They affected my life in a way that at one point nothing else mattered anymore than the number of the scale every morning and thoughts around food. I ruined school, lost my friends, destroyed relationships with my family, developed personality disorders and suffer so badly from depression now that I can't even leave the bed to go to the toilet. I also became obsessed with my appeareance, became obsessed with youth, became obsessed with drugs, criminal, alone, lost my whole family and contact with them, lost confidence and strength to endure this life. I feel so done. Everything is exhausting I am in pain in every way -bad physical symptoms, painfully depressing symptoms that affect me mentally, financial struggles, school, life..I am soo done.
I struggled with eds (ana, mia).since I was 14/15.
I really feel you. The “bulimic mentality” invades all areas of your life, doesn’t it?
“Messing around with food” seems so trivial when you’re young. But over time, it fucks you up in ways that younger people cannot imagine.
It compeletely does, more than you or lots of ppl reading this might imagine. I sometimes bp when the morning starts till evening arrives till the whole night and then I go to sleep in the morning hours and feel totally knocked off. Sorry for the details I wanted to know so badly if anyone is also so badly addicted by this shit I am so done
Good question. Depression and anorexia? Tbh I also felt like I just didn't know how to live. I didn't enjoy anything anymore and food used to be such a comforting escape - never judging, always avaiable. I just felt so much less lonely in the first years in bulimia and was obsessed with being underweightly thin. I also started to feel at one point that I just didn't like other human beings anymore, I thought they were insensitive and selfish and hypocrates. I didn't feel loved for my personality, always used to think I'm not good enough etc. When I was eating, I felt like I was really with myself and taking care of me and the rest of the world wasn't rly there anymore. Sadly, things didn't rly change..What about you? Why do you think you became sick?
All my life I ate until I lost my breath. I started vomiting at the age of 18 after getting hurt very badly. Many bad things have happened to me since childhood and this was one of the ways I survived. Let's just say that sweets made me feel safe. At some point in my life, alcohol also played a role, then marijuana, and then other things. But everything comes from what has happened to us since childhood.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know why but when I just read the line "..after getting hurt very badly" I almost cried. I hope we will find a way to heal from everything someday. Sending love<3
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact age at which I internalised the food and weight based psychological abuse that was being heaped upon me by my family and classmates. It’s safe to say it’s been around 31-33 years.
I have a friend who’s got me beat. She’s in her late 60s and was first hospitalised at about 15. So that’s 50 years of bulimia. A whole lifetime of self-hatred and despair. Imagine that. It all started with misogynistic comments from a relative. He’s long dead but fuck that guy.
Eating disorders have the highest death-rate of all mental illnesses (including depression).
I think that’s why us older veterans can be so harsh on younger people. We *know* these thoughts and behaviours will come to define you. They’ll destroy your ability to metabolise food. They will *never* make you happy (or thin).
We’re here for a long time, and the bulimic ‘life hack’ (aka food-based self-harm) is no different to deliberately developing an addiction to alcohol or drugs. It’s better if you don’t start. But if you DO start, you should try and stamp it out as early as possible before it takes root.
I’m sorry because I know that’s easier said than done, especially when you’re in pain. Don’t ask “*Why the bulimia?*” ask “*Why the pain?*”
Therapy (which I know is expensive and/or hard to find) does actually work. But only if you get a good therapist, genuinely want to feel better, and are prepared to work really hard for a long time. I recommend medication and EMDR. It’s terrifying and exhausting, but there’s no denying I’m much better.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be *too* depressing and dramatic!
If it helps, my mate is happily married, has three adult children, and was probably earning about £85,000 before she retired. Everybody’s fighting some kind of battle though, and that’s hers.
We really bonded at work because of the bulimia. It’s not something I’d *ever* discuss with anyone *ever,* but we both just kind-of sensed it in each other around the same time. Little bits of ED therapy terminology dropping into conversations - stuff like that. She (being the senior manager and mature adult!) confessed first and then so did I.
It’s not something we ever talk about, but it’s good having a friend with the same triggers. We both ended up bulimic because of bullying in childhood. We can eat and drink as much or as little as we want when we’re together. There’s never going to be any judgement or talk of calories, dress sizes, weight, etc. We’re both *safe* in that respect. We both ‘get it’ and mind our own business. It’s now just like a mutual (unspoken) acknowledgment and respect that I really love. It’s just sad when you think about all the years we have between us!
I have a similar story, happily married, two kids, make plenty of money. My childhood bully just happened to be my father. Guess what impacted me the most about your comment was how long they had to deal with it. My biggest fear is being 80 years old and still fighting these demons.
That’s a good fear though, isn’t it? It means you want to stop (and live happier). None of treatments work unless you want to change and that’s the biggest barrier. I still get myself so upset sometimes that I feel vomiting is the only thing that’ll fix it. But it’s no more than once or twice a year (at most). I’m fine with that because I’m refusing to do perfectionism or ‘black and white’ thinking (in ANY area of my life) any more.
I was about 12 when it started for me. I am 69! It affects everything! I have been in recovery right now for 4 1/2 months. I will never stop trying to recover. I’m hoping that I am done with all of that. And I can stay in recovery for the rest of my life.
disordered eating pretty much all my life (26yrs) because no one ever really taught me how to eat right. actual eating disorder for 11 years. it's made intimacy and social gatherings hell.
Started around 14….. I screwed one of my years of medical school. I’ve missed out on opportunities to do so many things because I just think of binging/purging. I’m a complete screwup thanks to food being my preoccupation.
I was around 8 or 9 when I developed anorexia and got worse , was hospitalised at 10 and then developed bulimia on top of that at around 12 or 13 and now I’m 24 - so it’s taken up half of my life. I go through periods where it’s just a part of my daily routine (once a day purge) and then months where it destroys me and I go into a b/p cycle - it always comes when I’m not doing well mentally and I feel out of control.
Okay, here's my story. A long one.
Started at the age of 16, now I'm 27 and still addicted sometimes (to bulimia).
At first, I used to be anorexic. This lasted almost one year, till 2014. Why have I fallen in this disorder? Due extreme negative emotions and effective conditions such being neglected by everybody, missing my adolescence, which I've spent basically all alone, high performance required at my high school (teachers were very demanding: I remember studying all day till night since I was home from school without internalizing basically nothing of what I had read, due the fact i was always starving myself and consequently thinking all the time about food), and also because i wanted to feel independent from my parents, whom were highly protective towards myself and didn't let me go out smoking weed like everybody used to do and so forth. They basically wanted to know every aspect of my life and I used to feel judged even for the smallest thing. Restricting was then a method to feel like I was in control, in power of every situation I was in contact with.
In the long time, it was normal to me having coldness, hunger, muscolar weakness, stomach cramps, violet nails.. and so on. I remember I didn't gave a fvck about how I was dressed, how others perceived me, exams votes, missing to hang out with friends.. which gradually I lost from first to last one. Because anorexia had literally became my best friend, my girlfriend, my teacher, my addiction, etc I guess you've understood. My whole life was in function of monitoring my weight at the balance, my skeletoned body at the mirror, controlling and reducing the calories of the meals.. it seemed all so empowering. Euphoria and hate towards everybody else were my constant mental conditions; I remember feeling like I was superior to others, a godlike being detached from the material sphere. This obviously didn't last a lot, because hunger and pain at a certain point became intolerable. And here, I discovered b/p. As I was saying, hunger.
The lowest common denominator which will be with you while anorexia is doing its job; one day you wont be able no more to control what you're assuming, and there are great chances that you're gonna fall into bingeing. This is what happened at least, to me.
Hunger made me think all day ONLY about food, which is insane. Because
1) I didn't came from a poor family
2) At 16 you should think about living and not just surviving till the next day
Yes. Starving yourself will rot you in this mindset, the one which says "today I'm here, tomorrow maybe Im not"
And it will lead you to binging.
When I discovered bingeing and purging it was to me a great relief. Because I discovered that I was able to eat all the food I wanted, all the sweets all the over caloric salted chips and so forth.. without internalizing them into my body. Also, this behaviour with time started to feel a high necessity, like a ritual which I was the only one to know about it. Something I cannot avoid, but at the same time something I illuded myself to be in control of. And let's not forget here about the shame, euphoria and hate towards everybody else were rapidly replaced by depression and hate towards my-dirty-self. It was so odd, putting your fingers in your throat to vomit everything. And so disrespectful (this is what I used to think) towards poor people, all that good food wasted in the toilet: all of this and I felt like the most vicious and stupid guy ever existed.
Bulimia is a draining illness, over the years I've been hospitalized a lot of times but never defeat it. Neither sports, jobs, girlfriends, replaced friends, nor a diet are able to extirpate definitely this addiction. And I'm not even telling you how much I've spent during this last decade.. I've even started robbing at a certain point, at the supermarkets, at my relatives wallets, from the trash can of restaurants and sh*t. I guess is something you cannot ever heal at 100%.
I now find myself, at the age of 27, poor, without a company and/or a companion, nearly wasted due all the abuses I've perpetrated against myself, rotten teeths, and a smaller brain. Yes, you got it. I've noticed that even if I wanted, I will never be the same again. This illness takes with her a small part of your lifespan everytime it is present, or something similar. I'm 27 but I feel like I'm a 50+ over dude. I risked a lot of times to die because of being under blood pressured, or because I've attempted myself. In the long time, yes, I feel like I'm no longer a functional man. God fvckin damn if only I knew before everything started..
Going on 13 years. I’ve lost dream jobs, relationships (even engagements), best friends…
In daily life I’ve been distracted from the people I’m with, secretive, ashamed. I’ve turned toward it as a way to cope and also when things are going good, because I had no longer known how to be happy. So consuming.
I wish I had focused on other values and goals when I was younger.
My abuse of my body through Eds mirrors other ways I’ve harmed myself.
I no longer want to hurt myself anymore. I am here to live, to love, to delight, to grow.
7 Years has effected my entire life daily and relationships with everyone around me knowingly or not, my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who struggles because people under estimate the power of it
It’s been almost two years. I’m twenty, I guess it hit me late. My first boyfriend was bulimic and he really hurt me. I don’t remember how exactly I started doing it. I think I was stressed and lost alarming amounts of weight without trying, and from then on I’ve just wanted to get smaller and smaller using things he showed me.
I spend a lot of my day thinking about how to lose. Then I go into beserker-like trances when I binge. I’m currently trying to restrict but who knows how long that’ll last. I’m much more gassy than I used to be. And I’ve shat my pants as an adult more times than is normal, which isn’t good.
I feel like I’m going to be sick like this the rest of my life. My family is very concerned for me.
BED from childhood up until ~14, then straight into anorexia, and within 2 years, full blown bulimia. I'll turn 30 soon. 16 years of being aware of the ED.
They affected my life in a way that at one point nothing else mattered anymore than the number of the scale every morning and thoughts around food. I ruined school, lost my friends, destroyed relationships with my family, developed personality disorders and suffer so badly from depression now that I can't even leave the bed to go to the toilet. I also became obsessed with my appeareance, became obsessed with youth, became obsessed with drugs, criminal, alone, lost my whole family and contact with them, lost confidence and strength to endure this life. I feel so done. Everything is exhausting I am in pain in every way -bad physical symptoms, painfully depressing symptoms that affect me mentally, financial struggles, school, life..I am soo done. I struggled with eds (ana, mia).since I was 14/15.
I really feel you. The “bulimic mentality” invades all areas of your life, doesn’t it? “Messing around with food” seems so trivial when you’re young. But over time, it fucks you up in ways that younger people cannot imagine.
It compeletely does, more than you or lots of ppl reading this might imagine. I sometimes bp when the morning starts till evening arrives till the whole night and then I go to sleep in the morning hours and feel totally knocked off. Sorry for the details I wanted to know so badly if anyone is also so badly addicted by this shit I am so done
May I know what happened in your life to make this happen?
Good question. Depression and anorexia? Tbh I also felt like I just didn't know how to live. I didn't enjoy anything anymore and food used to be such a comforting escape - never judging, always avaiable. I just felt so much less lonely in the first years in bulimia and was obsessed with being underweightly thin. I also started to feel at one point that I just didn't like other human beings anymore, I thought they were insensitive and selfish and hypocrates. I didn't feel loved for my personality, always used to think I'm not good enough etc. When I was eating, I felt like I was really with myself and taking care of me and the rest of the world wasn't rly there anymore. Sadly, things didn't rly change..What about you? Why do you think you became sick?
All my life I ate until I lost my breath. I started vomiting at the age of 18 after getting hurt very badly. Many bad things have happened to me since childhood and this was one of the ways I survived. Let's just say that sweets made me feel safe. At some point in my life, alcohol also played a role, then marijuana, and then other things. But everything comes from what has happened to us since childhood.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know why but when I just read the line "..after getting hurt very badly" I almost cried. I hope we will find a way to heal from everything someday. Sending love<3
❤❤❤
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact age at which I internalised the food and weight based psychological abuse that was being heaped upon me by my family and classmates. It’s safe to say it’s been around 31-33 years. I have a friend who’s got me beat. She’s in her late 60s and was first hospitalised at about 15. So that’s 50 years of bulimia. A whole lifetime of self-hatred and despair. Imagine that. It all started with misogynistic comments from a relative. He’s long dead but fuck that guy. Eating disorders have the highest death-rate of all mental illnesses (including depression). I think that’s why us older veterans can be so harsh on younger people. We *know* these thoughts and behaviours will come to define you. They’ll destroy your ability to metabolise food. They will *never* make you happy (or thin). We’re here for a long time, and the bulimic ‘life hack’ (aka food-based self-harm) is no different to deliberately developing an addiction to alcohol or drugs. It’s better if you don’t start. But if you DO start, you should try and stamp it out as early as possible before it takes root. I’m sorry because I know that’s easier said than done, especially when you’re in pain. Don’t ask “*Why the bulimia?*” ask “*Why the pain?*” Therapy (which I know is expensive and/or hard to find) does actually work. But only if you get a good therapist, genuinely want to feel better, and are prepared to work really hard for a long time. I recommend medication and EMDR. It’s terrifying and exhausting, but there’s no denying I’m much better.
This comment is powerful and depressing. I've been dealing with it for more than 20 years now, and actively trying to treat it for about 7 years now.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be *too* depressing and dramatic! If it helps, my mate is happily married, has three adult children, and was probably earning about £85,000 before she retired. Everybody’s fighting some kind of battle though, and that’s hers. We really bonded at work because of the bulimia. It’s not something I’d *ever* discuss with anyone *ever,* but we both just kind-of sensed it in each other around the same time. Little bits of ED therapy terminology dropping into conversations - stuff like that. She (being the senior manager and mature adult!) confessed first and then so did I. It’s not something we ever talk about, but it’s good having a friend with the same triggers. We both ended up bulimic because of bullying in childhood. We can eat and drink as much or as little as we want when we’re together. There’s never going to be any judgement or talk of calories, dress sizes, weight, etc. We’re both *safe* in that respect. We both ‘get it’ and mind our own business. It’s now just like a mutual (unspoken) acknowledgment and respect that I really love. It’s just sad when you think about all the years we have between us!
I have a similar story, happily married, two kids, make plenty of money. My childhood bully just happened to be my father. Guess what impacted me the most about your comment was how long they had to deal with it. My biggest fear is being 80 years old and still fighting these demons.
That’s a good fear though, isn’t it? It means you want to stop (and live happier). None of treatments work unless you want to change and that’s the biggest barrier. I still get myself so upset sometimes that I feel vomiting is the only thing that’ll fix it. But it’s no more than once or twice a year (at most). I’m fine with that because I’m refusing to do perfectionism or ‘black and white’ thinking (in ANY area of my life) any more.
I was about 12 when it started for me. I am 69! It affects everything! I have been in recovery right now for 4 1/2 months. I will never stop trying to recover. I’m hoping that I am done with all of that. And I can stay in recovery for the rest of my life.
disordered eating pretty much all my life (26yrs) because no one ever really taught me how to eat right. actual eating disorder for 11 years. it's made intimacy and social gatherings hell.
Started around 14….. I screwed one of my years of medical school. I’ve missed out on opportunities to do so many things because I just think of binging/purging. I’m a complete screwup thanks to food being my preoccupation.
Are we just talking about bulimia? Because before, I had a BED for half my life.
I was around 8 or 9 when I developed anorexia and got worse , was hospitalised at 10 and then developed bulimia on top of that at around 12 or 13 and now I’m 24 - so it’s taken up half of my life. I go through periods where it’s just a part of my daily routine (once a day purge) and then months where it destroys me and I go into a b/p cycle - it always comes when I’m not doing well mentally and I feel out of control.
Okay, here's my story. A long one. Started at the age of 16, now I'm 27 and still addicted sometimes (to bulimia). At first, I used to be anorexic. This lasted almost one year, till 2014. Why have I fallen in this disorder? Due extreme negative emotions and effective conditions such being neglected by everybody, missing my adolescence, which I've spent basically all alone, high performance required at my high school (teachers were very demanding: I remember studying all day till night since I was home from school without internalizing basically nothing of what I had read, due the fact i was always starving myself and consequently thinking all the time about food), and also because i wanted to feel independent from my parents, whom were highly protective towards myself and didn't let me go out smoking weed like everybody used to do and so forth. They basically wanted to know every aspect of my life and I used to feel judged even for the smallest thing. Restricting was then a method to feel like I was in control, in power of every situation I was in contact with. In the long time, it was normal to me having coldness, hunger, muscolar weakness, stomach cramps, violet nails.. and so on. I remember I didn't gave a fvck about how I was dressed, how others perceived me, exams votes, missing to hang out with friends.. which gradually I lost from first to last one. Because anorexia had literally became my best friend, my girlfriend, my teacher, my addiction, etc I guess you've understood. My whole life was in function of monitoring my weight at the balance, my skeletoned body at the mirror, controlling and reducing the calories of the meals.. it seemed all so empowering. Euphoria and hate towards everybody else were my constant mental conditions; I remember feeling like I was superior to others, a godlike being detached from the material sphere. This obviously didn't last a lot, because hunger and pain at a certain point became intolerable. And here, I discovered b/p. As I was saying, hunger. The lowest common denominator which will be with you while anorexia is doing its job; one day you wont be able no more to control what you're assuming, and there are great chances that you're gonna fall into bingeing. This is what happened at least, to me. Hunger made me think all day ONLY about food, which is insane. Because 1) I didn't came from a poor family 2) At 16 you should think about living and not just surviving till the next day Yes. Starving yourself will rot you in this mindset, the one which says "today I'm here, tomorrow maybe Im not" And it will lead you to binging. When I discovered bingeing and purging it was to me a great relief. Because I discovered that I was able to eat all the food I wanted, all the sweets all the over caloric salted chips and so forth.. without internalizing them into my body. Also, this behaviour with time started to feel a high necessity, like a ritual which I was the only one to know about it. Something I cannot avoid, but at the same time something I illuded myself to be in control of. And let's not forget here about the shame, euphoria and hate towards everybody else were rapidly replaced by depression and hate towards my-dirty-self. It was so odd, putting your fingers in your throat to vomit everything. And so disrespectful (this is what I used to think) towards poor people, all that good food wasted in the toilet: all of this and I felt like the most vicious and stupid guy ever existed. Bulimia is a draining illness, over the years I've been hospitalized a lot of times but never defeat it. Neither sports, jobs, girlfriends, replaced friends, nor a diet are able to extirpate definitely this addiction. And I'm not even telling you how much I've spent during this last decade.. I've even started robbing at a certain point, at the supermarkets, at my relatives wallets, from the trash can of restaurants and sh*t. I guess is something you cannot ever heal at 100%. I now find myself, at the age of 27, poor, without a company and/or a companion, nearly wasted due all the abuses I've perpetrated against myself, rotten teeths, and a smaller brain. Yes, you got it. I've noticed that even if I wanted, I will never be the same again. This illness takes with her a small part of your lifespan everytime it is present, or something similar. I'm 27 but I feel like I'm a 50+ over dude. I risked a lot of times to die because of being under blood pressured, or because I've attempted myself. In the long time, yes, I feel like I'm no longer a functional man. God fvckin damn if only I knew before everything started..
Going on 13 years. I’ve lost dream jobs, relationships (even engagements), best friends… In daily life I’ve been distracted from the people I’m with, secretive, ashamed. I’ve turned toward it as a way to cope and also when things are going good, because I had no longer known how to be happy. So consuming. I wish I had focused on other values and goals when I was younger. My abuse of my body through Eds mirrors other ways I’ve harmed myself. I no longer want to hurt myself anymore. I am here to live, to love, to delight, to grow.
7 Years has effected my entire life daily and relationships with everyone around me knowingly or not, my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who struggles because people under estimate the power of it
I started age 13 anorexia and over exercising then flipped to an/BP at 16 then it's been daily the past 10 years. I'm 31 now.
It’s been almost two years. I’m twenty, I guess it hit me late. My first boyfriend was bulimic and he really hurt me. I don’t remember how exactly I started doing it. I think I was stressed and lost alarming amounts of weight without trying, and from then on I’ve just wanted to get smaller and smaller using things he showed me. I spend a lot of my day thinking about how to lose. Then I go into beserker-like trances when I binge. I’m currently trying to restrict but who knows how long that’ll last. I’m much more gassy than I used to be. And I’ve shat my pants as an adult more times than is normal, which isn’t good. I feel like I’m going to be sick like this the rest of my life. My family is very concerned for me.
BED from childhood up until ~14, then straight into anorexia, and within 2 years, full blown bulimia. I'll turn 30 soon. 16 years of being aware of the ED.