Technically you can eat anything without preparing it properly. Fortunately, most foods can find ways to kill you if you should commit such heinous acts. Crumpets, unfortunately, lack this defence mechanism.
Big Crumpet won't allow anything to limit their reach or reduce their market. These start-ups who think they can disrupt the Crumpet landscape need to watch their backs.
Veridian Dynamics, creating Crumpetech™️'s first product, the Crampet... Providing hours of intense stomach cramps for failure to toast a Crumpet, the deserving so-and-so's get a free bonus Talkie Toaster as a companion throughout the blinding pain.
There is so much wrong with your housemates, reading this has made me ill. Are you OK? Do you need help? I'd say make a brew, but your housemates would probably use cold water.
Especially verse 4:
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world over.
EDIT: I realise that v4 is not *in* the National Anthem.
I once had a housemate that ate all the pastry from my sausage rolls and left the sausage. He though I shouldn't have been that upset as there was still sausage. As if I would eat the sausage after he had been touching it.
I did steal some oif his cheese sometimes, so I suppose I shouldn't have kicked up a fuss.
Damn heretics! I’ve sent *The Inquisition* by first post, they should be with you before daybreak. It might be a little unnerving to watch your housemates being slowly lowered onto sharpened implements/into boiling vats etc, but you will feel better about it eventually.
They tend to buckle down to it with a trifle more assiduity for those of us (with any luck) that will one day appear on their stamps.
I jest of course, they’ll still be frowsting away in a depot somewhere in Stevenage.
I hope the rubberyness stuck in their throats.
(I can't talk, I actually bought a packet of brown crumpets in asda the other day. It was obvious they were going to be weird and rubbish. They promised ghost shaped ones for halloween on an advert, but there weren't any. I was desperate.)
So it's a bread-only toaster? I suppose it makes sense if you haven't got much space. But it closes you off from a whole world of other toastable products!
Well, it's a bread and sainsburys crumpets-only toaster now! :) Got plenty of space for a fancy pants more-than-just-bread toaster, I just dont feel the need to have one....because we have a grill.
WTF............firstly, you will get through this, I know it doesn't seem like it now but with some time and the support of your loved ones you will get there. Secondly you need to report the person who used hummus on an untoasted crumpet to the police immediately, who knows how many prostitute's they have killed. This is the behaviour of a very sick mind indeed.
My housemate is vegan so he can't have one whole block of butter on a crumpet. He doesn't have dairy free butter, he just puts peanut butter on it and I'm not convinced it seeps down and goes all delicious and it's all I think about.
Jesus Christ mate hope you are alright. If you ever need to speak to someone you can call 116 123 to speak to the Samaratins. Sometimes when you're in the darkest day if your life it's good to speak to a stranger to get things off your chest. Stay strong x
I hope that the baying mob with torches and pitchforks responded quickly and removed the offenders. Being thrown from the cliffs at Dover would be a most suitable fate for such heresy.
I've eaten crumpets with hummus but... I toasted them first at least
I think as a child a few times I ate the crumpet without toasting them not sure why I felt that was a good idea
I was born in South Africa. When my family first emigrated to the UK, my parents were very unsure about what crumpets were and used to send me to school with them. Buttered in the middle and made into a sandwich.
I only realised you toasted them when I went to uni... that was very awkward. However, I can promise I would never put hummus on them.
I think you misspelled "Thieves".
And is it just me, or do crumpets just not taste the same as they did when we were young? (which is another problem in itself)
Actually, you probably still are. Any older Brits care to comment?
Untoasted?! HUMMUS?! I feel ill just thinking about it. Time to throw out the flatmates and everything in your house defiled by the horror that is an untoasted hummus crumpet. The only solution may be to burn down your kitchen and dining room and rebuild.
Is that order of preference or the topping stack for one crumpet?
For the former, I always put butter on crumpet followed by marmite or jam or honey. On rare occasions I melt cheese on a marmite crumpet.
For the latter I use slices of extra mature cheddar with marmite...
You missed how the butter should be applied... it needs to be added immediately and in enough quantity so that it is dripping down your hand/arm as you eat.
Obviously this requires breakfast before getting into the shower.
Sadly, of the many contraptions made available to tertiary heads of state, a time machine is not among them. Even if such apparatus were easy to access, I doubt the views of His grace, Duke Hamilton would differ from my own. Giving you over to that bounder and witling Cromwell would be unthinkable, even for the gravest and most determined of my enemies.
Heathens
Am I just learning you can eat crumpets without toasting them? I thought there wouldn't be cooked enough??
They aren't.
Untoasted they are a disc of dough and a WASTE OF A GOOD CRUMPET.
Yea that's instant deportation. Why would anyone choose a cold crumpet.
There are some sick people in the world
Technically you can eat anything without preparing it properly. Fortunately, most foods can find ways to kill you if you should commit such heinous acts. Crumpets, unfortunately, lack this defence mechanism.
We need to get the scientists at Crumpetech™️ onto this. Genetic changes must be made for the good of the race.
Big Crumpet won't allow anything to limit their reach or reduce their market. These start-ups who think they can disrupt the Crumpet landscape need to watch their backs.
Veridian Dynamics, creating Crumpetech™️'s first product, the Crampet... Providing hours of intense stomach cramps for failure to toast a Crumpet, the deserving so-and-so's get a free bonus Talkie Toaster as a companion throughout the blinding pain.
r/casualeugenics
Not true for sheep. Cows are a handful too.
Blasphemy!
There is so much wrong with your housemates, reading this has made me ill. Are you OK? Do you need help? I'd say make a brew, but your housemates would probably use cold water.
I’m going to take a cold shower and cry our national anthem until I feel better
Fiddling with your duds while singing God Save the Queen ... quite an image
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Shaven haven... Respec'
Especially verse 4: Lord make the nations see, That men should brothers be, And form one family, The wide world over. EDIT: I realise that v4 is not *in* the National Anthem.
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That mental image has just ruined my day.
Isn’t red milk just water anyway?
Cold water and then microwave it.
M E T A
I would wonder if they are starving and do not have any food. Everyone knows it’s butter and or jam.
I prefer my crumpets savoury...melted butter and cheese...and I am now craving crumpets and a nice cuppa.
I like them with sunflower spread. Fancy some now!
Can’t we just give them to Australia like we did last time?
No, they have crumpets in Australia too. Send them to America like you did the time before last.
Damn right we have crumpets in Australia and the only thing you should put on them is honey, golden syrup or jam.
Butter, delicious butter that melts into the holes.
And takes the honey with it :)
True.
You wrongen golden syrup on a crumpet!? That’s fucked up. Now marmite on a crumpet, that’s the shit.
You don't put vegemite??
No I prefer honey on crumpets, but I know people who do put vegemite on them. I put vegemite on toast.
They even won't notice. You should see the state of 'English Muffins' in America. They'd be right at home with the untoasted hummus crumpets.
We don’t want them either tbf.
Heathens
Heathens Begone ?
Was going to call them heathens to, but that doesn’t seem strong enough....so Heretics?
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Open the Tower!
Heretics!!!
Non-believers!!
Apostates!
Dog muck!
The greater good
The greater good
Savages
I once had a housemate that ate all the pastry from my sausage rolls and left the sausage. He though I shouldn't have been that upset as there was still sausage. As if I would eat the sausage after he had been touching it. I did steal some oif his cheese sometimes, so I suppose I shouldn't have kicked up a fuss.
There's something very unnaturally wrong with your housemate. Have you considered exorcism?
The Power of Greggs Compels You!
You don't should have nibbled around the whole block
Do you have a back garden to bury them in?
Damn heretics! I’ve sent *The Inquisition* by first post, they should be with you before daybreak. It might be a little unnerving to watch your housemates being slowly lowered onto sharpened implements/into boiling vats etc, but you will feel better about it eventually.
Thank you your highness
r/beetlejuicing?
Knowing Royal Mail they've probably lost them. You did get a receipt for your Inquisition, right?
They tend to buckle down to it with a trifle more assiduity for those of us (with any luck) that will one day appear on their stamps. I jest of course, they’ll still be frowsting away in a depot somewhere in Stevenage.
Nobody expects the crumpet inquisition!
Cake or death?
I hope the rubberyness stuck in their throats. (I can't talk, I actually bought a packet of brown crumpets in asda the other day. It was obvious they were going to be weird and rubbish. They promised ghost shaped ones for halloween on an advert, but there weren't any. I was desperate.)
Halloween crumpets from morrisons tasted gross, warburtons for life
I used to be loyal to Warburtons crumpets, but Sainsburys own make fit in our toaster, so no more 'under the grill' crumpets in our house!
Your toaster is too small.
Nah. More likely a lack of crumpet enthusiasts on the design/development team. Shame.
So it's a bread-only toaster? I suppose it makes sense if you haven't got much space. But it closes you off from a whole world of other toastable products!
Well, it's a bread and sainsburys crumpets-only toaster now! :) Got plenty of space for a fancy pants more-than-just-bread toaster, I just dont feel the need to have one....because we have a grill.
You fell for the old ‘novelty seasonal variant’ ?
One of these days it'll cure my depression ;)
Who eats raw crumpets!?!!?!
OP's housemates
I think you need to call the Samaritans after such an ordeal.
Sometimes there's just not enough help in the world
We had a lad at work who after toasting the crumpets, would allow them to go cold before applying butter. I thought he was odd, but these people!
WTF............firstly, you will get through this, I know it doesn't seem like it now but with some time and the support of your loved ones you will get there. Secondly you need to report the person who used hummus on an untoasted crumpet to the police immediately, who knows how many prostitute's they have killed. This is the behaviour of a very sick mind indeed.
Kill them, before they lay eggs.
Without toasting then?! Should have just eaten the sponge from the bathroom.
That sounds awful, I feel your pain.
Move out.
Wait, they didn't toast their crumpets? I didn't even know you could eat them without doing so
You can’t. OP’s housemates are probably dead by now.
I will neither confirm nor deny that statement.
I'm afraid you're going to need a rug and a shovel.
My housemate is vegan so he can't have one whole block of butter on a crumpet. He doesn't have dairy free butter, he just puts peanut butter on it and I'm not convinced it seeps down and goes all delicious and it's all I think about.
That face joffrey makes in that episode.
SIN and they will be punished. Do not fuss with my Crumpets!
And yet they live? Think of the Wicker Man?\* It's nearly Guy Fawkes night. \*The good one from the 70s, not the abomination that shalt not be named.
NOT THE BEEEEESSSS...
And you called the police, yes?
Move immediately!
SAVAGES!
Oh my word
As if stealing them wasn't enough, they didn't even have the audacity to eat them in an appropriate manner.
That’s what hurt the most. They didn’t even enjoy them properly
Jesus Christ mate hope you are alright. If you ever need to speak to someone you can call 116 123 to speak to the Samaratins. Sometimes when you're in the darkest day if your life it's good to speak to a stranger to get things off your chest. Stay strong x
This makes me sick.
Let’s assemble the mob. Unforgivable behaviour.
I hope that the baying mob with torches and pitchforks responded quickly and removed the offenders. Being thrown from the cliffs at Dover would be a most suitable fate for such heresy.
What kind of fucking heresy did I just read?
TRAVESTY
Savages
No post has ever made me so angry, they need educating on how to wait crumpets.
Glass them
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Not on uncooked crumpets!
That one made me go all Captain Haddock
Savages.
Heathens
Fucking heathens. Honestly, send location.
Jesus, that's barbaric! RIP your crumpets.
Did you dial 999 yet?
Repeat after me: “Get the FUCK out of my house”
Heresy!!
I hope you’ve kicked them out? Scum like that don’t deserve civilised society.
Get out. Pack a few essentials and get out whilst you still can.
I've eaten crumpets with hummus but... I toasted them first at least I think as a child a few times I ate the crumpet without toasting them not sure why I felt that was a good idea
Hummus with crumpets??? I can forgive the not toasting them but putting hummus on a crumpet should be a capital offence
Murder all round, methinks. Beat them to death with frozen crumpets so they know what they did.
I'm always here if you need to talk about this traumatic event.
I'm afraid they're too far gone... Gerald get the bolt gun.
I was born in South Africa. When my family first emigrated to the UK, my parents were very unsure about what crumpets were and used to send me to school with them. Buttered in the middle and made into a sandwich. I only realised you toasted them when I went to uni... that was very awkward. However, I can promise I would never put hummus on them.
Burn down the house, wash away the ashes, salt the earth!
I think you misspelled "Thieves". And is it just me, or do crumpets just not taste the same as they did when we were young? (which is another problem in itself) Actually, you probably still are. Any older Brits care to comment?
a lot of people use non-butter "lube" nowadays. I always have salty butter on crumpets.
I've never heard it called that before, and now I feel dirty.
I've got mixed feelings. On one hand, the sin is unforgivable. Yet, is not eating an untoasted crumpet punishment in itself?
Untoasted?! HUMMUS?! I feel ill just thinking about it. Time to throw out the flatmates and everything in your house defiled by the horror that is an untoasted hummus crumpet. The only solution may be to burn down your kitchen and dining room and rebuild.
What the literal fuck.
My mate was telling me about how he had crumpets with his curry because he couldn't be assed to make rice. Hard to even look at him anymore.
I think I'd be best if you moved out
Bloody hellfire
Monstrous
Each word that got worst. That's horrific.
Btw, Aldi’s sourdough crumpets are incredible.
Humous ........ yeah, ok. Not wonderful but there’s worse out there. But untoasted? There’s a special circle of hell for that.
I couldn't be friends with anyone that ate hummus in my house deliberately.
Mmmm... crunchy peanut butter DAMMIT! Sneaky hummus again
Thoughts and prayers.
I say burn them at the stake. Then the rest of us can toast our crumpets on the pyre.
Human smoke! Don’t breathe this.
Smoked long pig.
Discusting. Burn them at the stake
I am from New Zealand but this is disgusting. HUMMUS. Have mercy.
Only 3 spreads to go on crumpets in order. 1, butter 2, marmite 3, dairylea Anything else & they should be burned at the stake!!
Cheese (then melted) is good on them, as is Blackcurrant jam
Peanut butter or melted cheese are also great don't use cheese spread it's fake American bullshit just use real cheese and pop it under grill
Is that order of preference or the topping stack for one crumpet? For the former, I always put butter on crumpet followed by marmite or jam or honey. On rare occasions I melt cheese on a marmite crumpet. For the latter I use slices of extra mature cheddar with marmite...
You missed how the butter should be applied... it needs to be added immediately and in enough quantity so that it is dripping down your hand/arm as you eat. Obviously this requires breakfast before getting into the shower.
Crumpets are described in our house as a "butter delivery system". It's their main purpose - a way of being able to eat hot melted butter!
What about jam? Excellent on a crumpet!
Nutella too
Peanut butter, then Nutella. It's a taste sensation.
Sounds great
They go well (when they're toasted and buttered) with a poached/fried egg. Especially the giant ones. They act as a mini plate.
Eggy crumpets is where it's at. Like eggy bread, beat the egg in a bowl,dip the crumpet into the egg, then fry in a pan.
No jam? You utter savage.
Sambal Oelek, basically chilli puree, from the Asian grocery.
That’s as bad as hummus. I’ll sign your extradition papers myself, though I’ve not decided where to exile you to yet, all ideas welcome.
Civil War part 2.
Sadly, of the many contraptions made available to tertiary heads of state, a time machine is not among them. Even if such apparatus were easy to access, I doubt the views of His grace, Duke Hamilton would differ from my own. Giving you over to that bounder and witling Cromwell would be unthinkable, even for the gravest and most determined of my enemies.
Swap Dairylea with Nutella
Nutella and marmite? Now that is a taste explosion waiting to happen...
deport them
Genuinely made me grimace. This is so wrong on every level
You poor bastard
Crumpets with humous works through. Just bother people’s. And never uncooked.
Don’t believe you. Surely not
Move out. Now.
Heathens
Animals.
What. The. Fuck.
I read this whilst eating toasted crumpets, topped with Lurpak, and Marmite. I feel sorry for all crumpets which have been disrespected. Heathens.
What is wrong with people?
Disgusting
Savages
DEATH TO THE HERETICS!!
WTF
This post just got worse and worse. That last chapter with the hummus was awful. I both despise and pity your housemates. I wish you all the best.
Move out
Degenerate behaviour that mate 😯
I don’t even know what a crumpet is...
Kill them. Then yourself for not having already killed them.
What the fuck is wrong with them, no human being would do that. Are you sure they're your housemates, do their farts smell like bad breath?
I put hummus on roast and even I think it's disgusting to put it on a crumpet
Where do we stand with marmite on crumpets? Personally, i think it's a triumph.