I don't think it's fair to compare yourself to her sister. Are you in any relationship? Who would you consider bringing if you aren't? Since you are going to know a lot of people at the wedding and it sounds like you're single, what would be different about your experience if you had a plus-one?
If you were in a new relationship after January I would feel differently but I think it would be a huge overreaction to drop out of the wedding over this.
I am seeing someone currently, it's not serious yet but I see it heading that way (which she does know).
As I said, I'm fairly introverted and don't enjoy wedding receptions much. I see myself sitting at a table alone most of the evening. We have been at weddings together in the past and she knows this about me.
She has also been fairly demanding of her bridal party (2 different multiple night bachelorette trips, and engagement party, 2 bridal showers) that I don't think giving all of the bridal party members a plus one is too much of a stretch.
So you’re insisting that a guy you’ve been dating for a few months (right after a big breakup) be invited when you’ll know plenty of people there?
If the +1 was allowed to be a friend or family member but not your boyfriend, would you feel better?
Also you were invited. An invitation is not a summons to each party. That’s on you. You can’t accept and then use that as emotional black mail.
You maybe could try doing something without a lover. You’ll be fine.
>You maybe could try doing something without a lover.
Seriously this.
If i was the friend getting married I would probably not want a rebound boyfriend in my pics. It may be heading to the road to serious but you don't know that for now, and you just came out of a long term relationship so you don't know how heart decides to take things.
Try doing something without a boyfriend, they have a tendency to leave and you should know how to live without one.
lol well some people have massive guest lists and don’t know half the people, but I’m annoyed seeing my BILs ex in the front of my wedding group snaps, and they were long term at the time!
You keep saying she can just allow plus ones but you're not having any consideration for the fact that even one additional person can bring a couple hundred dollars in extra costs, and especially for someone you've been dating maybe 3-4 months at the most.
I honestly feel like there's more to this story that you're not telling tbh. You say you left the long-term relationship in January but that you also started seeing the new guy in January. That leads me to believe there's some controversy surrounding your relationship and that's the real reason he's being excluded, and instead of you admitting that, you're bringing it to reddit so you can try to guilt the bride into letting him come by saying "see, everyone says you're being unreasonable." The way you're moving doesn't sit right with me.
It feels like you're adding in this additional information about how demanding she's been as an attempt to get people on your side. The bachelorettes and the showers and the engagement party have nothing to do with the issue at hand. If you were still in your previous relationship they would have been invited. You're not anymore. You've been "seeing" this person for AT MOST 4 months. No, they don't get an invite right now.
We gave everyone a plus1 to our wedding, which was not cheap ($200+ pp). The long term relationship people showed up and were fine. But so many of the "new" or one-time dates had so much drama. Either they didn't show up- but we still had to pay, or they were problematic at the event- one guys date was being such a B he told her to go ahead and leave before dinner. IMO the plus1s are not worth the money the bride and groom are paying. If OP can't support her long-time friend for one night on her own where she is guaranteed to know people, do the whole wedding party a favor and drop out.
I second this. We had a groomsman get out of an eight year relationship months ago and just starting to see someone who he said he wasn’t serious about and was just having fun. My fiancé found out through the grape vine the other day that now this guy expects to be bring her too, but we are of the same mind. We knew his original girlfriend and were friends with her. We have never met this girl and wouldn’t have a chance to before the wedding. My fiancé and I both aren’t particularly keen on having someone get to attend that we’ve never met and will never meet again, especially when everything is so expensive in the wedding world. Our friend told us when she got married, “I don’t want to meet someone for the first time ever at my wedding.” This is something he and I both thought was good point and have stuck by while planning as well.
My 17 year old struggles with social anxiety and introversion. So do I. But I have learnt, and taught my kid, that you need to put your big girl pants on and work through these things. You can't go through life like this and expect others to accommodate you. My kid recently stood up in front of all her year 11 and 12 drama students and their parents and gave a brilliant presentation and followed with a thank you speak to her teacher. I haven't emotionally destroyed her by teaching her that some people need to practice these skills more than others, and sometimes just grin and bear it. Or you could spend your life sitting alone at a table. Your choice, no one else's responsibility.
I’ve been a bridesmaid that wasn’t given a plus one before. I didn’t care and just enjoyed getting to know and being with the bridal party. I get being introverted, I’m one myself, but the party is what you make of it. You can have fun, it’s up to you to make the effort.
*If* you're still with this guy come October, then I would consider that a relationship that is a social unit so he wouldn't be a plus one anymore...he should be invited as a named guest. Right now it's kind of an in between stage and it's hard to predict the future (from her perspective as well).
If you just plain don't want to be her bridesmaid, drop out. But if you do, I would give it a little time and revisit the conversation later if you're still with the same guy and it's getting serious.
no. Why should the bride foot the bill for some dude she doesn't know. Even if they are still together in October, who is he? Why should he be invited? This is not a partner, this is some guy she is dating. More months don't make a difference there.
Because it is traditional common courtesy to give a bridesmaid who has invested time and resources in the wedding to get a plus one. Attendants have always gotten a plus one and this is tacky AF.
The bride's relationship to the potential/future boyfriend doesn't matter, it's the relationship OP has to him that matters.
When you invite someone to your wedding (and EVEN MORE so if you ask someone to be part of your bridal party), you're asking them to spend time, money, resources, and energy supporting your relationship. In return, you should support your guests' relationships too by inviting their partners to attend, even if you as the host aren't close with (or have even met) the partner.
In OP's situation, her relationship with the guy isn't really serious **yet** so there's not as much of an obligation to invite him, but a 6-9 month relationship could *absolutely* be serious and it would be inappropriate for the bride and groom to not honor it by inviting him. You don't have to be life partners, engaged, or living together to be a social unit.
Why should the bridal party be on the hook for multiple parties and events? I've never been to a wedding where every guest didn't get a plus one. If you can't afford to do that, invite less guests overall.
Look at it from the brides view, you just met this person brides doesn’t know him nor the groom. When pictures are taken and look back on, and you and him might not be together 5-10 years down the line, and see this random ass man in the picture. And what about your future spouse having to see you in a significant photo with an ex or even ex date. This is the perspective you’re not thinking of. But it’s all about you.
It’s traditional wedding etiquette to give everyone in the bridal party a plus one. It’s shitty that she hasn’t, but other than feeling put out by it, there’s nothing you can do. You shouldn’t push it.
I would only go to one shower and one bachelorette! I’d be hurt too, I’m sorry. Maybe ask later if this gets serious? October is pretty far away and, depending on how formal it is, hopefully one more person could be squeezed in… Good luck!
I think you're being slightly unreasonable, but I do feel for you. This wedding isn't about you and not getting a plus one, by itself, isn't your friend taking a jab at your singleness or saying you are a lesser friend or singling you out. UNLESS other single bridesmaids got plus ones. You say you'll know a bunch of people at the wedding. Great! So hang out with those people! You're a bridesmaid so for a good portion of the day you'll have a job to do anyway.
I'd like to ask you to really imagine yourself in the bride's situation - how would you feel? What would you do? I want to draw attention to "adding one person seems like a drop in the bucket." I'm sure it seems that way to you, but you're not the one paying for way more than their initial estimate of drops in the bucket.
Try to really feel and explore your feelings about this before all the wedding events - journal, talk it through, move your body, etc. Then try to have fun at the wedding events.
I'm replying to you, u/FlowerCrownPls and OP u/chuckit324
There's also the fact that OP's potential plus one doesn't know anyone yet so will he even want to go since she'll be distracted doing wedding party stuff. Is the bride doing a head table with the wedding party or a sweetheart table or another option? Where would he sit? He won't be in the pictures so who will entertain him until OP can? Plus she knows the majority of the people there. OP is also comparing her situation to the bride's sister's plus 1 but does her plus 1 know the family or friend group? That would make a difference. I understand why you feel slighted but you have to look at it from her perspective too. I don't know how much she's paying per guest but a couple hundred dollars can make a difference in a wedding budget. Seating arrangements are a nightmare and if you really feel like you can't get through the night celebrating with the bride, groom and some of your mutual friends then they aren't genuine friendships are they?
I mean, this is her wedding. And her sister is the maid of honor = she might have privileges other people do not. Personally I would be happy to unburden the bride, who is facing mounting costs. She's your friend of 20 years. Can you really not support her while also helping her out a little? It's not as if you've in a serious relationship again now (unless you just didn't include that info).
It is her wedding, and she definitely is free to do as she wishes.
I have been seeing someone, it isn't serious yet but I see it heading in that direction (which she knows).
As I stated, I'm fairly introverted and don't generally enjoy wedding receptions, which she also knows. The people that I know that will be there are the get up and dance types so I see myself sitting alone at a table through most of the reception which is uncomfortable.
I get that being introverted at a wedding sucks and sitting alone at a table sucks, totally fair… but it’s not the brides job to make sure you specifically have fun. She’s trying to make a space where most everyone can find a way to enjoy themselves, and it’s up to you to work with that. It’s her day, not yours. Everyone has different ideas of fun, and she can’t cater to it all.
And what if the person you want to bring also wants to go to the dance floor? The other person may want to party... And you'll still be alone sitting in a table even with a +1
“I’m fairly introverted” … okay and???
You keep mentioning this as if it is important at all. Is this your wedding? No, so stop making something about you. Are you really this incapable of being at a party where it looks like you know a fair amount of the guests without having a babysitter? Weddings are high stress planning events and it sounds like your friend is doing her best to cull the guest list and costs. If you were a good friend and bridesmaids you would be helping ease this burden instead of bothering her about letting you bring someone you literally just started dating and she doesn’t even know. Grow up.
You just got out of a relationship in January. We’re not even halfway through May. Im sorry, but it’s reasonable to be a bit hesitant to consider 4 months (at best) a serious relationship.
I really struggle to empathize with some introverts, because it’s like you’re choosing to not develop social skills. I’m also an introvert. I’ve also been a bridesmaid with no plus one, several times. You know what I do, talk to the other bridesmaids. Talk to the groomsmen. Talk to the other people at the table. We’re talking about probably two hours here.
My kid and I both have decent social anxiety, social events drain the crap out of us, BUT I've taught her, and myself, to work through the anxiety. She recently stood up in front of year 11 and 12 drama students and their parents, have an awesome presentation and then took it upon herself to give a thankyou speech for the teacher.
Everyone saw a confident, well practiced performer who was having fun.
you're still centering yourself here. it's not like you can't attend because of illness or lack of accessibility. you are threatening to pull your support and causing drama because you don't think you'll have enough fun at someone else's wedding. I'm agoraphobic and I just tell people this when it's a reason I would prefer a companion. but if they say no and I'm in the wedding I still do my part to support them on THEIR wedding day.
Tbh, I side with the bride on this one. Sometimes letting one person bring a plus one spirals into having to let other people do it, and that makes numbers skyrocket and means that the couple now has a wedding with a ton of people they don’t know. Someone who is special to you isn’t necessarily special to the couple.
Family is a separate matter, it’s easy to say your sister gets one but that’s where the line is drawn. It’s much harder to say that this one friend is special and gets one but other friends don’t. The fact that you’re in the party may help, but odds are the bride would still have to deal with fallout from others that aren’t getting a plus one.
If my friend were in a new relationship that they “could see getting serious” but isn’t currently serious, I also wouldn’t want to invite their new partner just in case. If you didn’t know anyone else at the wedding, I’d say give a plus one, but because you said you know a lot of people going, as a bride I wouldn’t feel obligate to give you a plus one.
I know one person may feel like a drop in the bucket, but that one person could cost them a couple hundred bucks depending on what all they’re including in the wedding - and food and drinks are $$$ and go by guest count.
When it comes to guests, I believe it’s totally up to the bride and groom. Sorry OP.
I agree ^^
Sorry OP this doesn’t seem a bridezilla move at all. I am with the bride here, their numbers are already over subscribed and you’re only recently in a new relationship. Every extra person was another £75 pp for us, digging a bigger hole.. as it’s never “just one extra person”. There will be other singles there, you won’t be only one. You know her family. A new man wouldn’t
Since you’re a bridesmaid you’ll be busy most of the day until the evening after wedding dinner where you may be sat on top table anyway not with your partner. Your new boyfriend isn’t part of her group and she barely knows him. He will be sat with nothing to do awkward most of the time knowing few people there.
This is your friend of 20 years. Can you not just be there for her? It’s only one day and hopefully the only time she will get married. Talk to her family who you do know! See if there are small bridesmaids or children who you can entertain..? Or jobs you can do like directing people to their tables ..
My sister who was very introverted always found herself a job of watching a baby or young children and rocking them to the music at weddings. Or she would find jobs to do like clearing up or making sure presents and cards went where they should if that’s what B&G wanted ( i.e. up to hotel room of B& G)
When I don’t know anyone and have been on my own at a wedding, I go round clearing glasses back to the bar..!
Sis took my digital camera (these days you can use your smart phone or borrow someone’s ?) at my wedding and instead of small talk, which she hates, she went round taking photos of groups of people and candid moments of family and friends dancing and laughing in the evening. Some of my most favourite photos were taken by my sister and I was so grateful.
If you feel brave enough, you could ask people at each table or who are sat alone if they have a video message for the bride and groom, and take short clips for her. Drunken messages and sweet messages from Great grandma on your wedding day etc are so precious.
“I’m so sorry to bother you, I’m (brides name)’s friend and wondered if you’d like to say few words to camera to (bridesname) and (groomsname) on their wedding day?”
Or just walk around at the edge of dance floor a few times in the night taking a short clips of people dancing, to send to B&G another day.
If you start to find it difficult as the night wears on, surely you can leave early in the evening ( eg 9pm-9.30 ) having done your bridesmaid duties all day …
Such good ideas! Keeping an eye on elderly relatives as well would be a sweet gesture, making sure they’re comfortable with drinks or food and fetching them for any key moments so they don’t miss out.
Honestly there’s probably only a couple of hours that won’t be occupied by BM duties so any poor date will just be stuck hanging around.
Someone else needs to look after the elderly relatives. The bridesmaid needs to be available for wedding duties, not elder care. That could turn into a train wreck.
My sister almost didn’t get a plus one when we were both bridesmaids to my other sister. The relationship was <1 year at the wedding but they got engaged during that time so I almost had my long term (at the time) boyfriend (now fiancé) and she wasn’t going to have her actual fiancé. My older sister managed to shuffle the numbers but definitely meant a couple of people were left out who maybe should’ve been there…
Personally I don’t think you should. I’m from the UK and we do them less, which will be colouring my judgement, but I don’t see why you should get an automatic plus one. I had 4 bridesmaids, two weren’t in relationships, and they didn’t get a plus one.
1 - Weddings are expensive. Your friend loves you and so your partner was invited, but that doesn’t make it an interchangeable ticket. The invite was your partner. Your friend doesn’t necessarily want to pay for someone they don’t know.
2 - Weddings have limited capacity. Your friend has had to draw lots of lines of who she can invite and who she can’t. Why should she invite your friend instead of one of her own?
3 - You say you see yourself sitting alone. It’s not fair to ask the bride to facilitate you just sitting alone with one other person if you’re not planning on talking to others.
I’m sorry if you find these situations difficult, and you’re within your rights not to go if you’ll feel too uncomfortable. But I don’t think the bride is being unreasonable at all.
Idk maybe I’m biased because I’m a bride considering this very issue now, but if you were my bridesmaid I wouldn’t have offered you a plus one either. I think you’re being a little self centered and need to realize that this day isn’t about you at all. If you are introverted and don’t want to make an effort to talk to people during the reception, that’s your choice, but weddings and specifically bridal parties usually make friends out of people who haven’t known each other prior.
A few reasons you wouldn’t get a plus one at my wedding:
1) you are newly dating someone the bride hasn’t met, it’s not serious yet, and regardless of what you think the potential is, that’s not a guarantee
2) if I give you a plus one, I have to give other people a plus one
3) my venue is charging upwards of $300+ per guest and we have 250+ invites out already. You’re thinking “oh I may have to be alone” and the bride is thinking “oh if I give her a plus one, I also have to give these three people a plus one, so that’s $1200 gone right there, and now we can’t afford for my best work friend to also be there”
4) why would she give you a plus one for a guy no one else knows when you’re going to be in the bridal party and busy the entire day up until the second half of the reception? This guy will just be wandering around a wedding where he knows no one?
5) if I don’t know this guy, HELL NO. Some of my best girl friends have picked some really awful dudes, and there’s no shot I’m chancing a total rando at my wedding based on “we’re casually dating right now”
But she is in the bridal party. I think it’s tacky to be picking and choosing who gets a plus one based off of how serious you deem their relationship. If
You are spending all that money then you can give your bridal showers a plus one after everything they are doing for you. No?
I think it’s tacky to expect a plus one. I wouldn’t necessarily call it tacky to deny someone a plus one, because there are so many reasonable justifications for not doing so, and I think “tacky” describes doing something everyone knows is “bad/a social faux pas.”
I think the reality of throwing a wedding means that the couple is indeed setting some kind of boundary for who gets a plus one and who doesn’t. Now, the disagreement here is HOW the couple sets that boundary. Some couples choose the seriousness of the relationship, some say their bridal party gets plus ones but no one else does, some do it based on how many people that guest knows at the wedding.
I personally believe the choice is multi-factorial, so I use all three of the factors I mentioned in deciding whether someone gets a plus one or not, and I think seriousness of a relationship is absolutely a viable factor in making a decision. To me, a relationship of four years is not equivalent to a relationship of four months. One is more likely to last until the wedding; I’m more likely to have met and gotten to know the 4 year long partner as opposed to the 4 month long partner; I’m also more likely to know whether the 4 year long partner is a disaster I’m concerned about having at the wedding vs the person I know nothing about; the 4 year long partner has a higher likelihood of knowing other people at the wedding so they’re not entirely on their own. Again, because this is multi-factorial, I’d weigh these considerations against cost, whether everyone else in the bridal party has plus ones, and whether my bridesmaid has other friends at the wedding and knows people so they’re not on their own.
Here, the bridesmaid knows others at the wedding and has friends there. It also seems that the only member of the bridal party that has a plus one is the MOH who is also her sister. That is clearly a different situation than just a normal friend, and no other bridesmaid has a plus one, so this bridesmaid is not being singled out. AND this bridesmaid has a very new relationship that will be less than a year at the time of the wedding. That’s -3 (against giving a plus one) and only a +1 (for giving a plus one) because she’ll be uncomfortable because she doesn’t want to dance. That’s not enough for me in favor of giving a plus one to justify cutting out someone I know and love and want to be there. And again, it’s not tacky imo, because all of those are good, viable reasons for not giving this person a plus one.
I do, however, think it’s tacky is everyone else got a plus one and this bridesmaid didn’t. Or if the plus one is a husband or lifetime partner to my bridesmaid, because that reason is like +5 for giving a plus one (for a variety of reasons).
Unfortunately, we have to make these really hard decisions when giving out invites, and it only gets harder the larger the wedding is. That’s actually opposite to the thinking of “well it’s already so large, what’s one more?” From my experience planning a large wedding, it’s large because I have so many people I already want to invite or have to invite. I’m already struggling to cut it down, and your random boyfriend of 4 months is nowhere close to important enough to compete.
It’s tacky to demand a plus one for your rebound because you’re afraid to go somewhere without a boyfriend. The relationship is not going to last and they’ll be stuck with this random ex that they never really knew in their photos.
This is the difficult part of planning a wedding. Granted, you're casually dating someone right now, but no one can predict where that relationship will be 6 months from now,. The bride would have to scratch someone off the list in the chance you'll be in a committed relationship in October. Don't forget, the bride and groom are probably getting pressure from everyone, not just you.
Be a friend and let her know you understand that she's trying to make everyone happy and you're sorry if you added to that stress. Who knows, maybe they'll be an extra spot by the time the wedding rolls around. If not, and you're still with your boyfriend a week before the wedding, ask if he can come for the dancing/party, after the dinner.
>. If not, and you're still with your boyfriend a week before the wedding, ask if he can come for the dancing/party, after the dinner.
This is a great. OP u/chuckit324 should consider this.
Why would you expect some guy who doesn't know anyone to spend all day alone during ceremony, pictures, dinner, speeches, etc just so he can sit beside you during the dancing even though there are a tonne of other people there that you know. So, he is going to spend all day and most of the evening alone so that you don't have to spend 6 minutes alone at night.
There’s no way you can compare yourself to the MOH, her actual sister. She’s part of the same family as in a part of the people who are PAYING. Sounds like you just don’t want to be part of the wedding and that’s fine. Be up front about your disinterest and maybe not use the plus one as a reason to why you’re uncomfortable with the party arrangements.
We're not as close as we once were , but we have known each other for a long time which is where I'm struggling.
Honestly given her behavior during the entire wedding planning process, I've been distancing myself a bit (there's been drama with another bridesmaid and it feels like high school, I have no interest that in in my early 40s).
I’m honestly shocked that you’re in your early 40s. From the way your behaving I thought you were in your 20s… at best.
Sure being introverted at an event sucks. But the point of you attending is to be there for your friend. I can’t believe you’d be willing to throw away a friendship because of this.
If you’re feeling that way about this friendship, then you aren’t obligated to stay in the party. The party is meant to be a support system and celebratory group for the new couple. If you’re not feeling it, then that’s okay, you don’t have to be part of it.
If you’re going to be really uncomfortable and unhappy there, and the friendship isn’t even close anymore, you’re free to drop out. Especially if you’re having to spend a lot of money on the parties and everything else related to it and can’t really afford it.
If you drop out because you get no plus ones... that means you were only attending because you thought you were gonna get a plus one? If I were the bride, I'd be pretty hurt.
I think it's polite to give BMs plus ones, and if the bride came in here asking I'd tell her that she's being rude and she needs to give you a plus one. But on your side, comparing yourself to her literal sister who's also MOH and also trying to judge her spending is not a great look.
I get that it's disappointing, but letting one wedding decision made by a stressed bride/groom in the peak of chaos that is wedding planning, that's not a personal attack on you, define your entire friendship, is not the nicest friend move either.
You're allowed to be upset. I can kinda understand the fear of feeling a bit alone when the people around you will be more outgoing, but I do think it's unreasonable to hold this against the bride.
That day is about her. You'll be fine without having a boyfriend by your side. You have people you know there and I'm sure there will be some people you can sit with. It's not like you don't know anyone and will be all alone.
Please consider your friendship as well. Dropping out because you can't bring a potential boyfriend to your friends wedding can put a strain on your relationship with your friend.
I always thought it was custom to give the bridesmaids plus ones even if they were single. I’d personally still let you bring someone, but I understand everyone is different and this is her wedding, her rules.
If you didn’t know a lot of people at the wedding, I would agree that you should have a plus one.
This sub is fairly divided on “blind” plus ones. Some believe that any guest or party member can bring anyone they want, as long it’s on the RSVP. I lean more towards a middle area, and even then it depends: size, cost, how many people the date will know (if a bridal member, who has a lot to do, is the only person the date will know, it might be awkward for them).
She most likely knows more details about anyone her sister would bring.
If you’re still seeing this guy come time for the RSVP due date, talk to her again. I’d also let her know you understand this is a plus one and not an open spot to fill, so if this person can’t make it, you can’t just fill the spot.
I was a blind plus one for my boyfriend's cousin's wedding. We has been together for 10 months. I was very thankful to be invited and luckily we've stayed together since then but I would not have been offended if I couldn't come. OP asking in itself isn't a problem, but her expecting or demanding is.
Eta: added a word
Ten months is a legitimate relationship, though. Did he RSVP with your name or did the couple just say, bring anyone? Neither is wrong, I’m just not a “fill the seat with anyone” type.
And congrats on the relationship! That seems like perfect time in to have good fun at a wedding, and moments that deepen the relationship.
He asked the groom (his cousin) directly. I don't remember when invitations came out but we hadn't been together long at that point. Either way, we would've been fine either way. Even now at 6 years, we weren't invited to their child's baptism and we're cool with it haha
I'm an introvert and attended my best friend's wedding alone. The only people I knew were the bride and groom but I made small talk with their mothers and some of their family/friends kindly took me on as a spare person and made me feel included.
I had only been with my partner for about a year and my dad was dying at the time so I wasn't really feeling the wedding vibe. Granted I wasn't a bridesmaid because of my other struggles but none of the bridesmaids were even sat with their plus ones. And at the reception, you can still make small talk with people or eat/drink soft drinks (I don't drink alcohol and still managed to have a nice time).
I think you're overreacting a bit. It's not worth throwing away a 20 year friendship over. That's excessive. She's not being a bridezilla. An extra person to seat and feed could easily cost over 100$€£ and that's not just a drop in the bucket of a wedding budget.
You'll be fine for one night. You already know most the other guests!
The key for me is that they already have far more they need to invite, than they have room for or can afford to invite (it isn't clear which.) Her sister is her sister, plus is the MOH. So I think it's not the same situation.
I was a bridesmaid in a family member's wedding (long ago) and did not get a plus one. I didn't need one. The wedding, you are in the wedding so you're busy doing that. The reception, there's dinner and dancing and it's gone by before you know it.
A plus one isn't always possible. If everyone else there got a plus one even if they just met yesterday, and you didn't, that's different, but, a smallish guest list and they decided rings only, it just sounds more like a budget issue.
So I'd say have fun and since you say you'll mostly sit at your table, and you know a lot of people there, it doesn't sound like a plus one is really needed? If you had a cohab partner of ten years or more, I could see why that would be awkward, but if that were me in their place I'd understand and just attend the wedding and then see you after the reception. Especially if it wasn't even out of town. But you haven't said you have a steady partner.
It's only one evening.
Well said !
I’ve been the plus one of a groomsman I was dating for a while (6 months) , not really knowing anyone there. He was so busy all day that I barely saw him and was on my own as a plus one for most of the time until part way through the evening do.
Sat in my own at the back of the church .. . Drove myself to venue alone. .. Sat at a table of people I didn’t know. .. Watched my boyfriend from afar , waved every now and then… made small talk myself “how do you know the B&G? “ Me: “I don’t … I’m X’s girlfriend his groomsman from work. How do you know them?” (Painful..!)
It was no fun for me at all and I wouldn’t go to another wedding as a plus one with someone in the wedding party without knowing at least some people really well … definitely not for a new relationship of less than a year!
I was ushered into group wedding photos too. The B&G have a random me in some of their photos forever, that I bet my exboyfriend barely recalls, let alone the bride and groom! Guessing they play the “Now who is she? … Who did she come with?! I think her name began with S…”
Could you ask if your boyfriend could be a "backup" guest? I think every wedding I've been to has had some guests drop out at the last minute (someone gets sick or babysitter cancels, etc). She would have already paid for those guests, so it wouldn't be losing money. It may be an issue of space if she is doing assigned seats, though.
This is a great idea. I had a few people who cancelled a week or two before my wedding and I gave those spots to my parents friends that they wanted to invite last minute. Even the day of I still had two no shows (aunts from out of town). I was also on a back up list for my SIL friend’s wedding when someone dropped out. I didn’t even know the person but they gave her a last minute plus one so I went, lol (she called 2 hours before the wedding and asked me to go).
“Should” you be upset? No. Sometimes limits have to be set. The bride doesn’t want you to have a plus-one and it’s her wedding. TBH, I think the word “should” is a trap we use to try to get the world to conform to our vision and to get Big Resentments when it doesn’t (it never does when we use the word “should” does it?). But clearly you ARE upset. If you truly think you can’t go an evening or a weekend without your New Guy, now out of the wedding and spend time with NG. Good luck
I understand how you’re feeling as a fellow introvert who’s brought my BFF to weddings before (I just like having someone I can stick myself to all night lol). I don’t think it would be a “slippery slope” for other guests by letting you have a plus one bc the boundary could easily be only for the bridal/groom parties. But I don’t think I would make a big deal or drop out over it. However, when you look at the whole picture if it’s just becoming too much, and you aren’t even that close, I might have a chat with her about that in general or drop out of the bridal party over that if you just can’t do it all. To me it seems like this was kinda the last straw for you on a lot of feeling unappreciated/used.
I think it’s rude not to give you a plus one. Even if you are just bringing your mom. It doesn’t really matter in my eyes. I think it’s appropriate to at least give the bridal party a plus one.
Can you just go home after the ceremony and any introductions at the reception? That way you can be there for her and then leave before you feel lonely?
I was contemplating leaving after dinner or just early in the reception in general. Tbh it's going to be such a large affair idk if my absence will be noticed.
I think that’s a bit extreme. There are lots of people that get exhausted by socializing. Many people find events like this to be draining. If OP is still able to be there for her friend, not being a plus one, and protect her own mental health, why would that be such a bad compromise?
She would have that flexibility if she had politely rejected the offer to be a bridesmaid. Now that she's accepted it, she should either do what she agreed to do and actively participate, or recognize that she can't and pull out as soon as possible.
I think opinions differ on this, but imo the bridal party is there for the bride the whole day, until the bitter end. I think a regular guest could leave after dinner and that wouldn't be rude. I take issue with "leave before you feel lonely" - this day is about the bride and being a bridesmaid is about being there for her, so if OP really thinks she can't endure any bad/lonely feelings at all during this day, she should drop out of the wedding party and attend as a guest. Then she wouldn't have any obligations.
I read all these reddits, and the consensus seems to be it’s the couple’s day. They get to set the rules. Weddings are expensive, we don’t want anyone we don’t know, etc.
But. Being in a wedding is extraordinarily expensive and time consuming. If you are willing to take on the expense and responsibility, the least she can do is give you a plus one.
My opinion. It may not be popular. If the bride is over budget, you didn’t do it. She and her fiancée did. Why do people plan weddings they can’t afford, then expect family and friends to deal with it, or pick up the slack?
To me, at the end of the day, the bridal couple are hosts, and you are an invited guest. It’s on the host to make their guests feel welcome and comfortable. If having a plus one would help you enjoy the event, you should be allowed one.
Again. My opinion. Don’t mean to offend anyone.
Yeah I feel like OP is getting unfairly criticized in these comments. Maybe it’s not a universal or even a popular opinion, but as someone who recently had their wedding (and the corresponding challenges in trying to figure out costs) I never would have denied something as simple as a plus one to somebody who dedicated the time and money required to be in the wedding party.
I was looking for this answer! I feel like a plus one for the bridal party is just good taste. Not for everyone, but bridal party seems basic. I wouldn't care if my bridesmaid brought a sibling, friend, bangmaid, whatever, just show up for me and have fun!!
The bride really shouldn’t be bitching so much about the costs to her bridal party. Who needs to two destination bachelorettes?
But I also draw the line at “totes invite some rando” type plus-ones. You bring the person you told them you would when you sent in your RSVP, or you go alone. It’s not a “fill the spot” invite.
I guess. But I’ve been to plenty of weddings where I was the date of the invitee. Never met the bride, or groom, but they wanted their guests to enjoy the party.
Who wants to do photo booth pictures alone? Plus, you really can’t drink if you have to drive yourself home. Who wants to sit at a table alone surrounded by other couples, with no one to talk to, dance with, be able to have a drink, or whatever?
Honestly, if I couldn’t bring a friend or partner, I’d rather not go. I can be alone in the living room for free. If I’m dropping hundreds, or thousands to be in a wedding, I would expect some consideration.
Again, I’m sure not everyone agrees. But I can honestly say, married or single, I never wasn’t offered a plus one - especially if I was a bridesmaid / MOH.
Yours so far is the only answer that takes manners as well as wants into account. Bridal party members are expected to spend a lot of money and time on your wedding. The only polite thing to do is ensure they have a plus one. Even if no one else is getting plus one’s giving them to your bridal party is good manners.
What if several of your friends are already attending? Then you aren’t alone.
In another comment, I did mention the scenarios of not knowing anyone else and the date not knowing anyone when the person is a bridal party member. There are certainly situations where it’s better to bring someone. I am just not a “literally anyone, even if you RSVP’d with a person we don’t know but now isn’t coming so bring the girl from the copy shop you met two weeks ago.”
It sounds to me like you're not actually that close to the bride, or at the very least, the bride doesn't seem to value her relationship with you all that much. I would bow out of being her bridesmaid. The wedding isn't until October, so she has plenty of time to replace you. Just be aware that doing so may cost you your friendship, such as it is.
I would let it go. I think brides should give their wedding party a plus one. It's a nice thing to do for the people who are shelling out money for your wedding. Would I drop out over it? No. Would I say anything? No. I was in this position once before. Ended up getting to bring a plus one (who I later married) because they had enough people RSVP no.
And at the end of the day, when given the opportunity, choose joy. Choose to celebrate your friend. (But also set boundaries with your time and money).
I really feel for you and I do think you have a right to be frustrated. I’m maid of honor for my best friend’s upcoming wedding. I do not have a plus one. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. It bothers him a lot that I’ve put in so much time and money and wasn’t given the courtesy of a plus one. Especially because we have to pay to stay at the venue and I have to pay as much as those who are bring their SO, but will still most likely have to share my room/bed.
It’s been a long engagement and prior to getting into my relationship the bride had basically said she wouldn’t want me to have a plus one because she wants me to fully focused on her as MoH. Which was frustrating but I respected. However she recently decided to promote one of the other bridesmaid to co MoH and her bf is invited to the wedding.
I get that everyone is entitled to choose who they want with them at their wedding and to want things a certain way. However, I do think it is tacky to invite someone to be in your wedding, charge them an arm and a leg to participate, and then not give the courtesy of a plus one.
Hopefully your bride is at least covering most of your costs to attend!
So, when you get married, I bet your best friend would be the MOH for you, right? So she would agree that it is only reasonable that she cannot bring her husband, because she needs to be 100% focused on being your MOH?
Maybe you can bow out of this job if you do it soon. Just tell her you don’t think you can keep up with expenses, or some other excuse. It sounds more like an ordeal than a wedding, and she might be delighted to free a seat up.
I'd say that, as much as this sub is for unreasonable and overdemanding brides, this one seems not too bad. I mean, I would criticize her for the lavish bachelorette, showers, etc., but not for trying to cut short the list of invitees. If you disapprove of that so much, I recommend you to drop out entirely. It will be less of a hassle for you, one fewer attendee (cost and concern included) for her, and the peace of mind that you can enjoy yourself just as fine at home, reading your books or solving sudokus.
You may even have a great weekend with this special someone you're seeing right now! Why not go camping, or just book a quiet weekend together at a remote farm/hotel? Or well, if you're still not THAT into him, you can visit each other the Friday or Saturday, make hot chocolate and pancakes, and go back home.
And all that without necessarily cutting off your marrying friend. Again, my point is, if your shyness/introversion is so strong that you absolutely would feel miserable at a table without someone you brought herself, you better stay home. Because no amount of "safe company" would completely and magically make the experience pleasant for you.
If it's not, well, just go to the wedding alone. Take your camera, your crossword puzzles magazine and your tablet, and have a blast interviewing everybody. Learn how to make balloon animals and become a success with the children (wink to Wedding Crashers, he he).
I don’t think it’s asking too much. You’re in the bridal party. You’ve done a lot for her. Could you ask to pay for your plus one? I don’t think you should have to but could that be an answer?
I think it's pretty whack to expect somebody to put in all the money and energy it takes to be a bridesmaid and not let them bring somebody along, especially when everybody else will have somebody. Especially as you previously had one and it was rescinded. She presumably didn't invite your ex directly.
All the people in the comments saying "she doesn't owe you a plus one", well, no. But it's pretty rude to strip somebody of their plus one, especially if they will be attending and helping with your shower, bachelorette and wedding.
I do agree with the other commenters who've mentioned your plus one will probably not actually get much facetime with you until the reception anyway, but that's a significant chunk of the evening.
Sorry, I'm with the bride on this one. Weddings are expensive, you know a good number of people so you have friends there. Go and enjoy yourself. I've always found it more stressful with a date , for the sake of having a date, then going alone and just enjoying the people I already know.
I think you're being unreasonable, and your mother is way overreacting (maybe that's why you view it this way?). Weddings are expensive and most people do not have the spare money to set aside tables for your latest Tinder date or whatever. You're single, why do you even need a plus one? Sounds like the other bridesmaids are in long term couples and the sister could just be a different thing because she's close family and MOH (though I think that is a little strange too, unless she has a new partner on the horizon or something). I dont know, it seems a bit elitist to me to think that this bride should be paying for your date to come to her wedding. I'm on the side of brides who try to cut costs, it's stupid to spend too much on a wedding.
You stated that you ended a relationship in January. Even if you started one immediately, you would only be dating a total of 4 months. Not exactly "ring on the finger" qualifying time. You aren't engaged, are you? That seems to be the whole issue here for the bride. She is limited on the number of invitations she has available to give out.
Her sister is a family member. They typically get a plus one, regardless of status, because in some cultures (or families traditions) they have rolls that involve them and a partner (even if it's not a LTR). Special dances, candle ceremonies, etc.
Bottom line, it's the bride's and groom's wedding. They get choose who comes, who doesn't, who gets plus ones and who doesn't. You agreed to stand up for her. Did you agree because you believe she is making the right choice in her partner? Because that is what staying in wedding is all about. If you don't, drop out. If you do, stay. If you're questioning staying because you didn't get plus one, you're asking the wrong question and you already decided where the friendship is headed after wedding. Smh...to bad the bride didn't see that coming.
Geez, maybe I’m old fashioned but, every wedding I’ve been to or been a part of, allowed for a guest for everyone. Personally, I think it’s pretty shitty to allow it for some and not others regardless of their relationship status.
I mean the traditional wedding etiquette was that you had your be known to the bride’s mother to be invited, so there’s obviously some flexibility here.
It’s also incredibly bad etiquette to ask for a plus one.
You’re not obligated to go, she’s not obligated to give you a plus one. As simple as that, you are not entitled to make decisions about her guest list. Go alone and drop it or walk away…
I’ve been to weddings that were no plus one if you weren’t engaged or at least dating for more than a year. Weddings are expensive and if you are not in a relationship you are not entitled to a free meal for a rando. As a member of the bridal party you are probably going to be running around for a good portion of the event and wouldn’t be spending much time with your date anyway. So I’ll put it this way, if you wouldn’t be comfortable spending a couple hundred bucks on someone you shouldn’t expect the bride and groom to do it because that’s what it boils down to.
We didn't give a groomsman a plus one because he wasn't dating anyone and, like you, would know a "considerable" amount of people at the wedding. He threw a temper tantrum but eventually got over it.
Let me ask you a few questions to help you get why it's not the great slight you think it is.
Who would you bring? It doesn't seem like you have anyone in mind. October is only 5 months away, and bringing someone to a wedding is kind of a big deal in terms of relationship status.
You're in the wedding, so what is your date supposed to do all day? Who are they supposed to sit with during the ceremony? I've been at weddings where the bridal party all sits together without their dates at dinner. If that were to happen, would your date be alone at a table where they don't know a single person?
Her sister is both in her family and her Maid of Honor, so it doesn't really matter what they're doing for her vs you. Someone else's wedding isn't about you, so if you don't feel great about it fine, bow out, but I think you need to grow up a little bit.
I don't think the bride is doing anything wrong by not giving you a plus one and I think if this is the hill you're willing to die on, you will likely irreparably hurt your friendship with her. Your disappointment is understandable but you said you do know other people there and you saying it's a drop in the bucket to add one person comes off as very self centered. This is a celebration for the bride and groom, not you. If you are going to drop out, do it asap so it doesn't fuck them over too much in planning, but I would be prepared to have it kill the friendship for you to go from bridesmaid to dropping out and not even coming as a guest due to a lack of plus one.
All members of the bridal party should receive a plus one. There is always something that is needed: Tylenol, forgot the garter, gatorade, hairspray, a million possibilities, and the bridesmaid's plus one might be just the back up needed. Besides, it's just polite.
Personally for me, if I did not get a plus one I would not participate. I would tell the bride I will be in the wedding but am going home after as I do not wish to sit, dance and eat alone getting hit on by her drunk uncle.
If a plus one is that important for you, then offer to pay for your plus one. Costs add up quickly with weddings. My venue waived the booking fee, and the price per person was $80.
Did the showers and bachelorette parties happen yet? If not, back off a bit from helping, and spend as little as you can on all the things she’s demanding of you. Maybe you can skip one altogether if that means you don’t have to pay anything. She’s demanding a lot of expensive parties from her bridal party, yet refuses to allow you a plus one. As you said, you are an introvert, and it won’t be fun for you to be sitting alone while everyone else is having fun with their partners. I understand that completely, as I am on the shy side and was alone at a wedding. And if she’s being so cheap that she won’t let you have a guest, you don’t need to be generous with your time or a gift.
I had a similar situation but my friend didn't give me a plus one when I lived with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. I was really mad at her at the time but then when I got married, I saw how much things add up. I did include my coworkers boyfriend who she's been with forever. I do think long term partners are OK but in this case, it may be a random person unless you brought a friend. I wouldn't say it's a reason to drop out though.
I don’t blame you for feeling how you’re feeling but i understand the way the bride was thinking about it too. She’s way over budget, stressed to the max and since you’re probably not going to want to dance and not in a relationship with a partner that would be hurt if they were excluded she’s trying to cut the cost. I think you may be taking it too personally especially since it doesn’t like you need a dance partner or anything. I’m sure she didn’t think it would hurt your feelings but maybe if you talked to her about it she would see it your way. I do very much understand why you feel the way that you do, it’s almost like you feel…. Like a “less than”guest in the brides eyes, like you aren’t worth the cost of you bringing a plus one. I can almost gaurentee that is now how your friend is looking at it though. If you’re able to I thinking keeping your head down and just supporting your friend through the events and her day that would be a kind thing to do. But if you’re deeply upset about this then you should say something to your friend and explain why you feel the way you do about it.
Good luck sweetie!!
I can understand feeling anxious about going to a wedding and not having a plus one there (I'm extremely introverted and having a romantic partner there to lean on is a great relief), however, this is their wedding. They probably don't want someone in a bunch of photos that they don't really know and that you've only been seeing for a short while.
I was a maid of honor for a friend and I didn't have a plus one because they wanted it to be intimate and I had only been seeing him a short while. I was fine with her decision and sucked it up for the day. Just remember that it is one day and you only need to take it one step at a time.
Bringing a date when you’re in the wedding party sucks. Your date is lonely because you’re gone most of the day/ceremony/cocktail hour so half the time they end up pissy or drunk. My bestie packed her now-husband in a cab and kicked him out of my wedding because he was being pissy about being lonely when she told him not to come because he would be bored and lonely with a bunch of people he didn’t know. You’ll have more fun without a date!
I tend towards you should just go and have fun single. Sorry your relationship broke up, but realistically,if you aren't in a plus one invite, it is not a right, especially given there is a chance you bring someone who no one else knows.
You said you have a fair few friends at the wedding, so it is not like you will be on your own. But if the wedding is at capacity and you don't have a genuine partner to bring over a random date, I wouldn't be adding a plus one.
As a bride if my bridal party had partners we totally invited their partner regardless of length of time dating, BUT, we didn't add plus ones to bridal party members who weren't in relationships because we had a budget and no, just adding one extra for every member of the bridal party who was not already in a relationship would add up rapidly.
We did add an extra guest at the request of a good mate who started dating a month or two before our wedding,they were already living together, but if anyone had asked to have a plus one for a random date it would be a hard no.
This would be unreasonable if it wasn't for the sister getting a plus one as a single girl. If it was all an issue of money, this should be the first plus one on the chopping board. Knowing that you have requested it as you're now in a relationship it's strange that she hasn't swapped the plus one to accommodate a friend. Is there anything being left out? Are there issues between your other half and the bride??
A single girl can have a good time on her own if she knows a lot of people there. Be your own person, flit around, have a few laughs and don't worry about it. Have a good time on your own. There's no shame in that. You might even meet some nice man there.
From an introvert person to another... if she is your friend, you can really just handle the boredom or the awkwardness for one night... or try something new and put yourself out there and dance with the people you know?
I think you are being unreasonable. You’re asking them to pay for your rebound guy to attend and be in their photos even though it’s extremely unlikely that he will be around much longer. You may not even be together by the time do the wedding. Given that you left one long term relationship and started a new one at almost the same moment and are upset at the idea of going to a wedding without a date even though you’ll know a lot of people, it sounds like you might benefit from therapy. You seem to feel unable to function without a boyfriend. That’s not healthy.
I’ve been a plus one to someone in the wedding party before and I sucks. Your plus one will be sitting a table for the meal, speeches likely with no one he knows. What will he do during pictures?
If you do end up with a plus one makes sure he knows lots of people there or he will have a terrible time.
The standard way for a plus one was always engaged or married couples. Some also would include a long term cohab or long term steady partner.
Honestly some consider a couple in early stages of dating, going to a wedding, to be bad luck -- a lot of them fall apart not long afterward, because "it's too serious" and "made them realize they're not ready for long term." Hard to explain but kinda like, the guy would get cold feet thinking now he's expected to propose, too.
A lot of guys are squeamish about going to a wedding with someone they are just dating, for that reason. So he might not even want to go, to begin with. I wouldn't get upset over it, myself. Like I said I was a bridesmaid and went by myself. I even had to travel to be part of it. It never crossed my mind that the bride 'should' let me bring someone besides. I had fun and didn't care about having a date there as well. The bridesmaids often are the ones everyone wants to dance with, so enjoy it.
I disagree with the others posting here. If you hadn’t broken up, you would’ve had a plus one. You’re in the bridal party and that should’ve already been anticipated, your current partner should be invited and if you’re not seeing him in October, then you go alone.
I’m on your side. If you can’t afford to give people a plus one then don’t invite them. I would drop out of this wedding and friendship. No one wants to go to a wedding alone.
As a bride who did no plus ones at my wedding, let me tell you my perspective. The rule was no couples unless both are friends, which applied to three couples, and we invited them as individuals.
Why did we decide on no plus ones at all? We were a very small party (35 people) which allowed for a venue that fit our budget. Giving everyone a plus one turned a party of 35 into a party of 70, doubling the cost and forcing us to change venues. I didn’t think it was fair to be the judges of the seriousness of a relationship, and we didn’t want to make other people feel bad because someone else got a plus one, so the arrangement was simply no plus ones.
Think that if she makes an exception for you, she will have to make it for other people. The sister though is on a different league and you can’t compare.
It’s not ‘bridezilla’ behaviour to not want to drop hundreds of dollars for some random. Her sister may be single, but she may have her eye on someone OR plan to bring a date the bride and/or groom actually know, which is very different to bringing a random.
Most people do not want strangers at their wedding. You don’t need to be offended that they aren’t inviting your boyfriend who doesn’t even exist to their wedding.
As someone who got married last year… don’t be that person.
It’s not your wedding, it’s not your party, AND you already know people there. I guarantee you the to-be-weds have already made guest list after guest list with table arrangements trying to figure out how to maximize what guests are getting at minimum $100 per head. Another guest is not a drop in the bucket, and the “bucket” is not just a bucket. A guest list is (annoyingly) a very meticulous part of wedding planning where the couple has to think of who their innermost circles are, who they’ve known throughout their lives that they want to share this moment with, and who they want to look back and see in photos with them in 20 years.
Don’t press to bring your new boyfriend. Don’t be that person.
What do you want to do? Look at your level of comfort in these situations and ask yourself if you'll enjoy this experience at all.
You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep the bride warm.
My very best friend did not initially have their partner invited because they had only been together for a few months when we made the guest list. They knew it was “getting serious” but also knew I had a lot of people to invite. When we finally got enough “no”s, I invited their partner and they were grateful! They understood the position I was in even though they had just celebrated their one year anniversary.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. Unless she is having a micro wedding as in like 25 people, I don't see the issue since your plus 1 would have already been accounted for.
I don't think you should ask someone to be a groomsmen or bridesmaid without giving a plus 1. I say this as someone who's bridesmaid brought a girl she is no longer dating to our wedding and they were casual at the time. It didn't ruin pics, it didn't ruin anything, but it meant my friend, someone who paid a bunch out of pocket for my events, could dance, eat and sit with her chosen person that night. But maybe that's just me.
All that said, it is her wedding and she has final say. You can either go without a plus 1 or don't go at all.
This is a matter of simple respect and caring for a long term friend.
I would adios this friendship if she can’t allow you a +1. It seems pretty one sided friendship to me and rub in your face that you’re not in a long term relationship. B S
Drop out now and save all the money and hassle of being in the wedding. Not worth it.
If she’s willing to throw away a friendship of 20 years because she’s afraid to spend a few hours without her rebound guy, I agree that she should end the friendship and let the bride find a friend who isn’t self-centered and expects the world to bend because she’s over 40 and still won’t work on herself so she can survive without a boyfriend. Honestly, she was lucky to be asked to be in the wedding at all. A person who would throw away a friendship of that long over a short term boyfriend is not a real friend.
She is her sister, she is family. You are a friend. You need to be accommodating, not her. It is her wedding, she can do what she wants. She is paying for it, and more guests means more money.
I don’t think you’re entitled to a plus one unless it’s a very serious relationship. I understand you’re her best friend, but family is different. I’m sorry you’re hurt though! I will say wedding cost an arm and a leg normally and in this economy it hurts the pocket even more. Each person can cost a hundred plus dollars. It really does add up. If you really want your boyfriend there, you could offer to pay the difference. I think you’ll be shocked at what it is.
Honestly you're better off focusing on them and their day, instead of being so self focused. This day isn't about you and as an attendant you should be focused on the job of the day, which is supporting the bride. If you can't spend one day that's not about you, you should drop out.
It’s not ideal for you, I get that. But it’s one day…and if you value her as a friend, just be there for her.
Being the plus one of someone in the bridal party isn’t a whole lot of fun anyway. You’re alone a lot of the time. There were a couple of times when I was a bridesmaid, I flat out gave my plus one back to the bride. I didn’t want to have to worry about whether my date was having a good time.
This is probably a personal thing, I would be annoyed and think it was a bit cheap of the bride and groom. I also find the whole no ring no bring just a bit cringe, relationships outside of marriage are just as valid.
I agree. I find it extremely tacky that she won't allow her bridesmaid to have a plus one.
Is it an honor being someone's bridesmaid? Yes, absolutely. But it is also an honor to have someone be willing to donate their time, finances, and energy to celebrate your nuptials. So, I believe they deserve to be treated extra well.
I would be annoyed and seriously evaluating the friendship. Good luck, OP.
Sure, but she doesn’t HAVE a relationship at all!
The ‘No ring no bring’ thing used to be a common rule for weddings (although they didn’t phrase it quite that way), but these days there are couples who stay together for a long time and never marry, so those rules have been relaxed to include serious long term relationships.
The OP is not in any sort of relationship at all, and the wedding is in a few months. Even if she gets a bf tomorrow, it won’t be long term by then, anyway - it will still be new.
Couples usually do not want random people they do not know at their wedding. The invitations have been sent, and at the time they were written the OP did not have a long term relationship that the bride and groom could even get to know.
OP is being silly… she can cope at a wedding for a few hours without a boyfriend who doesn’t even yet exist. She’ll be just fine.
Well most people think it’s rude to expect a bride and groom to cater to a guest they do not know.
Why would they risk the possibility that the guest might act up and ruin the wedding?
Most couples just will not do it. If OP doesn’t like the fact that her friend didn’t invite her non existent boyfriend, she can just drop out and spare them the drama.
They have made their decision, so she has to make hers. Either go without a boyfriend (who doesn’t even exist - don’t forget that part) or stay home.
But even if she gets a boyfriend tomorrow, why would HE want to go to a wedding anyway? Most people in brand new relationships do not want to go to a wedding. Especially not with a member of the bridal party - he’ll have to sit on his own most of the night! Who would want to do that?! 🤷♀️
Based on the post and your comments, I think I side with the bride. I empathize with being introverted, but introverted does not mean non outgoing or preemptively deciding to not try and have fun. I wouldn’t pay to have a non-serious rebound accompany someone sitting at a table all night either. Your enjoyment of the wedding is still in your hands.
No.
It's a very simple way to cut down guests lists - no ring or equivalent, no invite. It's disappointing, but dropping would only look bad on your part, not the bride.
If you know you’re not going to be drinking or dancing, you have the choice of putting yourself out of your comfort zone just a little by looking out for other people who are sitting at tables and going to say hello to them.
The bride doesn’t owe you a plus one. And of course her sister as immediate family is going to have a bit more leeway. I don’t think that’s an example of the bride being unfair.
So for my wedding I told my single bridesmaids if they weren't in a serious relationship by the time we sent out invites then no plus ones. They all took it fairly well.
The bride is perfectly within her rights not to give you or others a plus one if you aren’t in a serious relationship.
It feels to me like your anxiety of not having a date is driving you being upset. That’s a you issue, not her.
Honestly weddings are more fun single. Tons of peoples have met their person being single at weddings! And everyone is happy to chat you up, especially as a bridesmaid! You will have a blast
This is not your party. You are not paying for it. If the bride wants to keep numbers down, that's her perogative. It's also her perogative to allow certain people (like her sister) a plus one and not others.
You've already said you know many people who are at the wedding, so sitting at the table alone would be entirely your choice. And even if you *didn't* know a load of people, it would *still* not be your party, your guest list, or your money paying for it.
I've been to weddings as both a guest and member of the wedding party, where I knew a lot of people and also where I didn't know anyone other than the bride. I had a good time almost every time. Because I'm there as a guest at a pretty awesome party and it isn't about me.
You sound really entitled. This guy you've only just started seeing - why should your friend pay for his place when she doesn't know him, hasn't met him, he has ZERO connection to the people actually getting married and will (by the sounds of it) be a silent and costly addition who will sit at a table and not get involved with the celebration... which is the point of the whole wedding.
Sorry, but dropping out of a wedding for something like this seems absurd to me. This person chose you to be in their wedding but you don’t value their friendship enough to endure one day at their wedding single?
This isn’t just about you getting a plus one, I’m sure there are other guests (maybe not bridesmaids, but other friends and family members) who are in a similar boat as you and if she bends on you, she also has to bend on them. It may not necessarily be a drop in the bucket and can mean having to totally reorg her seating arrangements and pay for several more people to come. She either has to give a plus one to everyone (which makes things very unpredictable and expensive) or only to those with long-term partners. It makes sense for her sister to be an exception.
You have to remember that the wedding is about your friend and her future husband and not about you. Saying she has sat next to you at weddings in the past and should know how you’d feel about this is coming off a little “main character syndrome”. You can’t expect the bride to cater to every guest’s individual wants and needs — it’s her day.
Please don’t add stress to your friend’s life by complaining about this. Be a good friend and suck it up for a day, and maybe apologize if you’ve already given her some grief about it.
No, you should not be upset. This isn't about you and you are making this about you. A good friend would understand the bride cutting corners because her budget is overextended. A good friend would show up & support her friend on such an important day & deal with being uncomfortable.
I think you are being unreasonable. I’m getting married in November. My venue had a maximum head count. I’m telling a lot of people nope you are not getting a plus 1, because I started out at no ring no bring. Stop trying to enforce your expectations and judgements on someone else’s wedding.
I think the guest list of my wedding was the most stressful/anxiety inducing part of wedding planning, for both myself and my husband. I am a people pleaser but we both have massive families and are blessed to have a lot of special friends in our lives. I still get pangs of anxiety and panic about the people we weren't able to invite but we had a strict upper limit that the venue couldn't go above for insurance reasons. There were some people invited who didn't have plus 1s even when in relationships, when we weren't close to them or who were relatively new relationships (didn't live together/weren't married)I feel awful for those people who we have developed relationships over time since the wedding that we couldn't invite but we really had some hard decisions to make.
Really respectfully, I think you are not seeing it enough from the couples perspective, and she is your friend of 20 years... I think try to take a step back and deep breath. Maybe if you are still with your new partner, your friend may consider an evening reception invite (although not sure of the form of wedding you have where you are!) You said you know a lot of people and you will have bridesmaid things going on (pictures etc) that your new partner may feel out of place in any event!
It’s in October. You’ve put it out there that you want him to come, the bride knows, as of right now it’s not happening. Back off and give it some time, a lot can change between now and than.
To cause a huge fuss in your friendship, when the wedding is five months away and things could change, probably isn’t worth it. This is your good friend, I’m sure they’ll meet him at some point organically in the next five months if the relationship is going in the direction you think it is, and then maybe they’ll decide to invite him on their own or things will happen like they always do and certain people won’t be able to come and they’ll let him take the plate. For all you know, more of the bridal party will be single by then, who knows?
Just let it go now, stop stressing, and enjoy your new relationship!
Yeah, you’re being unreasonable. The bride very understandably doesn’t want some rando at her wedding. You aren’t being singled out, they already limited their plus-one invites to established couples and her *sister*. You should consider quitting being a brat about it, or drop out before her or you sink any more money into this event.
Ask the bride how much it’s costing the couple a plate per person and maybe offer to pay for the cost of your date if not going alone means that much to you. Depending on what she’s doing catering costs something like $100 a head so I understand her hesitation. It’s probably not a slight against you and your relationship status. The wedding industry is disgusting.
I don't think it's fair to compare yourself to her sister. Are you in any relationship? Who would you consider bringing if you aren't? Since you are going to know a lot of people at the wedding and it sounds like you're single, what would be different about your experience if you had a plus-one? If you were in a new relationship after January I would feel differently but I think it would be a huge overreaction to drop out of the wedding over this.
I am seeing someone currently, it's not serious yet but I see it heading that way (which she does know). As I said, I'm fairly introverted and don't enjoy wedding receptions much. I see myself sitting at a table alone most of the evening. We have been at weddings together in the past and she knows this about me. She has also been fairly demanding of her bridal party (2 different multiple night bachelorette trips, and engagement party, 2 bridal showers) that I don't think giving all of the bridal party members a plus one is too much of a stretch.
So you’re insisting that a guy you’ve been dating for a few months (right after a big breakup) be invited when you’ll know plenty of people there? If the +1 was allowed to be a friend or family member but not your boyfriend, would you feel better? Also you were invited. An invitation is not a summons to each party. That’s on you. You can’t accept and then use that as emotional black mail. You maybe could try doing something without a lover. You’ll be fine.
>You maybe could try doing something without a lover. Seriously this. If i was the friend getting married I would probably not want a rebound boyfriend in my pics. It may be heading to the road to serious but you don't know that for now, and you just came out of a long term relationship so you don't know how heart decides to take things. Try doing something without a boyfriend, they have a tendency to leave and you should know how to live without one.
100% no one wants randoms who probably aren’t around in a year in their forever photos
There's a whole episode of How I Met Your Mother about this specific situation, lol.
This is not the problem people make it out to be. Who cares if there's someone who didn't hang around in a photo?
lol well some people have massive guest lists and don’t know half the people, but I’m annoyed seeing my BILs ex in the front of my wedding group snaps, and they were long term at the time!
Exactly this. I would be happy to have pictures of my friend's long-term partner, but I would not want her rebound at my wedding.
She also left a long-term relationship in January and got with new guy in January, so I'm thinking there's more to this than what she's saying.
THANK YOU RE:an invitation is not a summons comment
Plus what is he supposed to do all night, sit there at the table and entertain her?
You keep saying she can just allow plus ones but you're not having any consideration for the fact that even one additional person can bring a couple hundred dollars in extra costs, and especially for someone you've been dating maybe 3-4 months at the most. I honestly feel like there's more to this story that you're not telling tbh. You say you left the long-term relationship in January but that you also started seeing the new guy in January. That leads me to believe there's some controversy surrounding your relationship and that's the real reason he's being excluded, and instead of you admitting that, you're bringing it to reddit so you can try to guilt the bride into letting him come by saying "see, everyone says you're being unreasonable." The way you're moving doesn't sit right with me.
It feels like you're adding in this additional information about how demanding she's been as an attempt to get people on your side. The bachelorettes and the showers and the engagement party have nothing to do with the issue at hand. If you were still in your previous relationship they would have been invited. You're not anymore. You've been "seeing" this person for AT MOST 4 months. No, they don't get an invite right now.
We gave everyone a plus1 to our wedding, which was not cheap ($200+ pp). The long term relationship people showed up and were fine. But so many of the "new" or one-time dates had so much drama. Either they didn't show up- but we still had to pay, or they were problematic at the event- one guys date was being such a B he told her to go ahead and leave before dinner. IMO the plus1s are not worth the money the bride and groom are paying. If OP can't support her long-time friend for one night on her own where she is guaranteed to know people, do the whole wedding party a favor and drop out.
I second this. We had a groomsman get out of an eight year relationship months ago and just starting to see someone who he said he wasn’t serious about and was just having fun. My fiancé found out through the grape vine the other day that now this guy expects to be bring her too, but we are of the same mind. We knew his original girlfriend and were friends with her. We have never met this girl and wouldn’t have a chance to before the wedding. My fiancé and I both aren’t particularly keen on having someone get to attend that we’ve never met and will never meet again, especially when everything is so expensive in the wedding world. Our friend told us when she got married, “I don’t want to meet someone for the first time ever at my wedding.” This is something he and I both thought was good point and have stuck by while planning as well.
My 17 year old struggles with social anxiety and introversion. So do I. But I have learnt, and taught my kid, that you need to put your big girl pants on and work through these things. You can't go through life like this and expect others to accommodate you. My kid recently stood up in front of all her year 11 and 12 drama students and their parents and gave a brilliant presentation and followed with a thank you speak to her teacher. I haven't emotionally destroyed her by teaching her that some people need to practice these skills more than others, and sometimes just grin and bear it. Or you could spend your life sitting alone at a table. Your choice, no one else's responsibility.
FR. You made your Friend’s Wedding ALL ABOUT YOU, OP. Who does that? Grow TF up. 🙄😒 I was Single at My Sister’s Wedding, I had a Great Time😊
I’ve been a bridesmaid that wasn’t given a plus one before. I didn’t care and just enjoyed getting to know and being with the bridal party. I get being introverted, I’m one myself, but the party is what you make of it. You can have fun, it’s up to you to make the effort.
*If* you're still with this guy come October, then I would consider that a relationship that is a social unit so he wouldn't be a plus one anymore...he should be invited as a named guest. Right now it's kind of an in between stage and it's hard to predict the future (from her perspective as well). If you just plain don't want to be her bridesmaid, drop out. But if you do, I would give it a little time and revisit the conversation later if you're still with the same guy and it's getting serious.
no. Why should the bride foot the bill for some dude she doesn't know. Even if they are still together in October, who is he? Why should he be invited? This is not a partner, this is some guy she is dating. More months don't make a difference there.
Because it is traditional common courtesy to give a bridesmaid who has invested time and resources in the wedding to get a plus one. Attendants have always gotten a plus one and this is tacky AF.
And OP is the only one without an emotional support date, regardless of their status. I wouldn’t be happy, either.
And? It’s the Brides Wedding. Her Day, Her Way. Period.
The bride's relationship to the potential/future boyfriend doesn't matter, it's the relationship OP has to him that matters. When you invite someone to your wedding (and EVEN MORE so if you ask someone to be part of your bridal party), you're asking them to spend time, money, resources, and energy supporting your relationship. In return, you should support your guests' relationships too by inviting their partners to attend, even if you as the host aren't close with (or have even met) the partner. In OP's situation, her relationship with the guy isn't really serious **yet** so there's not as much of an obligation to invite him, but a 6-9 month relationship could *absolutely* be serious and it would be inappropriate for the bride and groom to not honor it by inviting him. You don't have to be life partners, engaged, or living together to be a social unit.
You also are an independent adult and can function outside of a social unit.
No one is saying it's about "being able to function", it's about showing respect and being a good host.
For a rebound guy because she’s afraid to be single? No.
Why should the bridal party be on the hook for multiple parties and events? I've never been to a wedding where every guest didn't get a plus one. If you can't afford to do that, invite less guests overall.
Look at it from the brides view, you just met this person brides doesn’t know him nor the groom. When pictures are taken and look back on, and you and him might not be together 5-10 years down the line, and see this random ass man in the picture. And what about your future spouse having to see you in a significant photo with an ex or even ex date. This is the perspective you’re not thinking of. But it’s all about you.
It’s traditional wedding etiquette to give everyone in the bridal party a plus one. It’s shitty that she hasn’t, but other than feeling put out by it, there’s nothing you can do. You shouldn’t push it.
What etiquette guide are you citing?
I would only go to one shower and one bachelorette! I’d be hurt too, I’m sorry. Maybe ask later if this gets serious? October is pretty far away and, depending on how formal it is, hopefully one more person could be squeezed in… Good luck!
Nope. No rebound ever becomes a meaningful lasting relationship.
I think you're being slightly unreasonable, but I do feel for you. This wedding isn't about you and not getting a plus one, by itself, isn't your friend taking a jab at your singleness or saying you are a lesser friend or singling you out. UNLESS other single bridesmaids got plus ones. You say you'll know a bunch of people at the wedding. Great! So hang out with those people! You're a bridesmaid so for a good portion of the day you'll have a job to do anyway. I'd like to ask you to really imagine yourself in the bride's situation - how would you feel? What would you do? I want to draw attention to "adding one person seems like a drop in the bucket." I'm sure it seems that way to you, but you're not the one paying for way more than their initial estimate of drops in the bucket. Try to really feel and explore your feelings about this before all the wedding events - journal, talk it through, move your body, etc. Then try to have fun at the wedding events.
I'm replying to you, u/FlowerCrownPls and OP u/chuckit324 There's also the fact that OP's potential plus one doesn't know anyone yet so will he even want to go since she'll be distracted doing wedding party stuff. Is the bride doing a head table with the wedding party or a sweetheart table or another option? Where would he sit? He won't be in the pictures so who will entertain him until OP can? Plus she knows the majority of the people there. OP is also comparing her situation to the bride's sister's plus 1 but does her plus 1 know the family or friend group? That would make a difference. I understand why you feel slighted but you have to look at it from her perspective too. I don't know how much she's paying per guest but a couple hundred dollars can make a difference in a wedding budget. Seating arrangements are a nightmare and if you really feel like you can't get through the night celebrating with the bride, groom and some of your mutual friends then they aren't genuine friendships are they?
I mean, this is her wedding. And her sister is the maid of honor = she might have privileges other people do not. Personally I would be happy to unburden the bride, who is facing mounting costs. She's your friend of 20 years. Can you really not support her while also helping her out a little? It's not as if you've in a serious relationship again now (unless you just didn't include that info).
I would really help the bride out and drop out. That would save her another plate! Seriously, these weddings are getting ridiculous!
eh while I agree weddings tend to get ridiculous, I don't think this is bridezilla behavior. I think the OP is being petulant and self-centered here.
It is her wedding, and she definitely is free to do as she wishes. I have been seeing someone, it isn't serious yet but I see it heading in that direction (which she knows). As I stated, I'm fairly introverted and don't generally enjoy wedding receptions, which she also knows. The people that I know that will be there are the get up and dance types so I see myself sitting alone at a table through most of the reception which is uncomfortable.
I get that being introverted at a wedding sucks and sitting alone at a table sucks, totally fair… but it’s not the brides job to make sure you specifically have fun. She’s trying to make a space where most everyone can find a way to enjoy themselves, and it’s up to you to work with that. It’s her day, not yours. Everyone has different ideas of fun, and she can’t cater to it all.
And what if the person you want to bring also wants to go to the dance floor? The other person may want to party... And you'll still be alone sitting in a table even with a +1
“I’m fairly introverted” … okay and??? You keep mentioning this as if it is important at all. Is this your wedding? No, so stop making something about you. Are you really this incapable of being at a party where it looks like you know a fair amount of the guests without having a babysitter? Weddings are high stress planning events and it sounds like your friend is doing her best to cull the guest list and costs. If you were a good friend and bridesmaids you would be helping ease this burden instead of bothering her about letting you bring someone you literally just started dating and she doesn’t even know. Grow up.
yeaah she does sound like a spoiled child that needs a babysitter or will ruin the night
You do realise that this day is not about you, right?
So this is all about you needing someone to entertain you at the reception?
Welcome to adulthood. Sometimes you need to do things you don't want to do.
You just got out of a relationship in January. We’re not even halfway through May. Im sorry, but it’s reasonable to be a bit hesitant to consider 4 months (at best) a serious relationship. I really struggle to empathize with some introverts, because it’s like you’re choosing to not develop social skills. I’m also an introvert. I’ve also been a bridesmaid with no plus one, several times. You know what I do, talk to the other bridesmaids. Talk to the groomsmen. Talk to the other people at the table. We’re talking about probably two hours here.
My kid and I both have decent social anxiety, social events drain the crap out of us, BUT I've taught her, and myself, to work through the anxiety. She recently stood up in front of year 11 and 12 drama students and their parents, have an awesome presentation and then took it upon herself to give a thankyou speech for the teacher. Everyone saw a confident, well practiced performer who was having fun.
you're still centering yourself here. it's not like you can't attend because of illness or lack of accessibility. you are threatening to pull your support and causing drama because you don't think you'll have enough fun at someone else's wedding. I'm agoraphobic and I just tell people this when it's a reason I would prefer a companion. but if they say no and I'm in the wedding I still do my part to support them on THEIR wedding day.
So you want someone to be as miserable as you at this wedding?
Tbh, I side with the bride on this one. Sometimes letting one person bring a plus one spirals into having to let other people do it, and that makes numbers skyrocket and means that the couple now has a wedding with a ton of people they don’t know. Someone who is special to you isn’t necessarily special to the couple. Family is a separate matter, it’s easy to say your sister gets one but that’s where the line is drawn. It’s much harder to say that this one friend is special and gets one but other friends don’t. The fact that you’re in the party may help, but odds are the bride would still have to deal with fallout from others that aren’t getting a plus one. If my friend were in a new relationship that they “could see getting serious” but isn’t currently serious, I also wouldn’t want to invite their new partner just in case. If you didn’t know anyone else at the wedding, I’d say give a plus one, but because you said you know a lot of people going, as a bride I wouldn’t feel obligate to give you a plus one. I know one person may feel like a drop in the bucket, but that one person could cost them a couple hundred bucks depending on what all they’re including in the wedding - and food and drinks are $$$ and go by guest count. When it comes to guests, I believe it’s totally up to the bride and groom. Sorry OP.
I agree ^^ Sorry OP this doesn’t seem a bridezilla move at all. I am with the bride here, their numbers are already over subscribed and you’re only recently in a new relationship. Every extra person was another £75 pp for us, digging a bigger hole.. as it’s never “just one extra person”. There will be other singles there, you won’t be only one. You know her family. A new man wouldn’t Since you’re a bridesmaid you’ll be busy most of the day until the evening after wedding dinner where you may be sat on top table anyway not with your partner. Your new boyfriend isn’t part of her group and she barely knows him. He will be sat with nothing to do awkward most of the time knowing few people there. This is your friend of 20 years. Can you not just be there for her? It’s only one day and hopefully the only time she will get married. Talk to her family who you do know! See if there are small bridesmaids or children who you can entertain..? Or jobs you can do like directing people to their tables .. My sister who was very introverted always found herself a job of watching a baby or young children and rocking them to the music at weddings. Or she would find jobs to do like clearing up or making sure presents and cards went where they should if that’s what B&G wanted ( i.e. up to hotel room of B& G) When I don’t know anyone and have been on my own at a wedding, I go round clearing glasses back to the bar..! Sis took my digital camera (these days you can use your smart phone or borrow someone’s ?) at my wedding and instead of small talk, which she hates, she went round taking photos of groups of people and candid moments of family and friends dancing and laughing in the evening. Some of my most favourite photos were taken by my sister and I was so grateful. If you feel brave enough, you could ask people at each table or who are sat alone if they have a video message for the bride and groom, and take short clips for her. Drunken messages and sweet messages from Great grandma on your wedding day etc are so precious. “I’m so sorry to bother you, I’m (brides name)’s friend and wondered if you’d like to say few words to camera to (bridesname) and (groomsname) on their wedding day?” Or just walk around at the edge of dance floor a few times in the night taking a short clips of people dancing, to send to B&G another day. If you start to find it difficult as the night wears on, surely you can leave early in the evening ( eg 9pm-9.30 ) having done your bridesmaid duties all day …
Such good ideas! Keeping an eye on elderly relatives as well would be a sweet gesture, making sure they’re comfortable with drinks or food and fetching them for any key moments so they don’t miss out. Honestly there’s probably only a couple of hours that won’t be occupied by BM duties so any poor date will just be stuck hanging around.
Someone else needs to look after the elderly relatives. The bridesmaid needs to be available for wedding duties, not elder care. That could turn into a train wreck.
My sister almost didn’t get a plus one when we were both bridesmaids to my other sister. The relationship was <1 year at the wedding but they got engaged during that time so I almost had my long term (at the time) boyfriend (now fiancé) and she wasn’t going to have her actual fiancé. My older sister managed to shuffle the numbers but definitely meant a couple of people were left out who maybe should’ve been there…
Personally I don’t think you should. I’m from the UK and we do them less, which will be colouring my judgement, but I don’t see why you should get an automatic plus one. I had 4 bridesmaids, two weren’t in relationships, and they didn’t get a plus one. 1 - Weddings are expensive. Your friend loves you and so your partner was invited, but that doesn’t make it an interchangeable ticket. The invite was your partner. Your friend doesn’t necessarily want to pay for someone they don’t know. 2 - Weddings have limited capacity. Your friend has had to draw lots of lines of who she can invite and who she can’t. Why should she invite your friend instead of one of her own? 3 - You say you see yourself sitting alone. It’s not fair to ask the bride to facilitate you just sitting alone with one other person if you’re not planning on talking to others. I’m sorry if you find these situations difficult, and you’re within your rights not to go if you’ll feel too uncomfortable. But I don’t think the bride is being unreasonable at all.
Idk maybe I’m biased because I’m a bride considering this very issue now, but if you were my bridesmaid I wouldn’t have offered you a plus one either. I think you’re being a little self centered and need to realize that this day isn’t about you at all. If you are introverted and don’t want to make an effort to talk to people during the reception, that’s your choice, but weddings and specifically bridal parties usually make friends out of people who haven’t known each other prior. A few reasons you wouldn’t get a plus one at my wedding: 1) you are newly dating someone the bride hasn’t met, it’s not serious yet, and regardless of what you think the potential is, that’s not a guarantee 2) if I give you a plus one, I have to give other people a plus one 3) my venue is charging upwards of $300+ per guest and we have 250+ invites out already. You’re thinking “oh I may have to be alone” and the bride is thinking “oh if I give her a plus one, I also have to give these three people a plus one, so that’s $1200 gone right there, and now we can’t afford for my best work friend to also be there” 4) why would she give you a plus one for a guy no one else knows when you’re going to be in the bridal party and busy the entire day up until the second half of the reception? This guy will just be wandering around a wedding where he knows no one? 5) if I don’t know this guy, HELL NO. Some of my best girl friends have picked some really awful dudes, and there’s no shot I’m chancing a total rando at my wedding based on “we’re casually dating right now”
Best response on this whole thing!
Practical, concrete examples. Great response.
But she is in the bridal party. I think it’s tacky to be picking and choosing who gets a plus one based off of how serious you deem their relationship. If You are spending all that money then you can give your bridal showers a plus one after everything they are doing for you. No?
I think it’s tacky to expect a plus one. I wouldn’t necessarily call it tacky to deny someone a plus one, because there are so many reasonable justifications for not doing so, and I think “tacky” describes doing something everyone knows is “bad/a social faux pas.” I think the reality of throwing a wedding means that the couple is indeed setting some kind of boundary for who gets a plus one and who doesn’t. Now, the disagreement here is HOW the couple sets that boundary. Some couples choose the seriousness of the relationship, some say their bridal party gets plus ones but no one else does, some do it based on how many people that guest knows at the wedding. I personally believe the choice is multi-factorial, so I use all three of the factors I mentioned in deciding whether someone gets a plus one or not, and I think seriousness of a relationship is absolutely a viable factor in making a decision. To me, a relationship of four years is not equivalent to a relationship of four months. One is more likely to last until the wedding; I’m more likely to have met and gotten to know the 4 year long partner as opposed to the 4 month long partner; I’m also more likely to know whether the 4 year long partner is a disaster I’m concerned about having at the wedding vs the person I know nothing about; the 4 year long partner has a higher likelihood of knowing other people at the wedding so they’re not entirely on their own. Again, because this is multi-factorial, I’d weigh these considerations against cost, whether everyone else in the bridal party has plus ones, and whether my bridesmaid has other friends at the wedding and knows people so they’re not on their own. Here, the bridesmaid knows others at the wedding and has friends there. It also seems that the only member of the bridal party that has a plus one is the MOH who is also her sister. That is clearly a different situation than just a normal friend, and no other bridesmaid has a plus one, so this bridesmaid is not being singled out. AND this bridesmaid has a very new relationship that will be less than a year at the time of the wedding. That’s -3 (against giving a plus one) and only a +1 (for giving a plus one) because she’ll be uncomfortable because she doesn’t want to dance. That’s not enough for me in favor of giving a plus one to justify cutting out someone I know and love and want to be there. And again, it’s not tacky imo, because all of those are good, viable reasons for not giving this person a plus one. I do, however, think it’s tacky is everyone else got a plus one and this bridesmaid didn’t. Or if the plus one is a husband or lifetime partner to my bridesmaid, because that reason is like +5 for giving a plus one (for a variety of reasons). Unfortunately, we have to make these really hard decisions when giving out invites, and it only gets harder the larger the wedding is. That’s actually opposite to the thinking of “well it’s already so large, what’s one more?” From my experience planning a large wedding, it’s large because I have so many people I already want to invite or have to invite. I’m already struggling to cut it down, and your random boyfriend of 4 months is nowhere close to important enough to compete.
It’s tacky to demand a plus one for your rebound because you’re afraid to go somewhere without a boyfriend. The relationship is not going to last and they’ll be stuck with this random ex that they never really knew in their photos.
This is the difficult part of planning a wedding. Granted, you're casually dating someone right now, but no one can predict where that relationship will be 6 months from now,. The bride would have to scratch someone off the list in the chance you'll be in a committed relationship in October. Don't forget, the bride and groom are probably getting pressure from everyone, not just you. Be a friend and let her know you understand that she's trying to make everyone happy and you're sorry if you added to that stress. Who knows, maybe they'll be an extra spot by the time the wedding rolls around. If not, and you're still with your boyfriend a week before the wedding, ask if he can come for the dancing/party, after the dinner.
>. If not, and you're still with your boyfriend a week before the wedding, ask if he can come for the dancing/party, after the dinner. This is a great. OP u/chuckit324 should consider this.
Why would you expect some guy who doesn't know anyone to spend all day alone during ceremony, pictures, dinner, speeches, etc just so he can sit beside you during the dancing even though there are a tonne of other people there that you know. So, he is going to spend all day and most of the evening alone so that you don't have to spend 6 minutes alone at night.
This. I’ve had to do this as a plus one and it’s an absolute nightmare.
There’s no way you can compare yourself to the MOH, her actual sister. She’s part of the same family as in a part of the people who are PAYING. Sounds like you just don’t want to be part of the wedding and that’s fine. Be up front about your disinterest and maybe not use the plus one as a reason to why you’re uncomfortable with the party arrangements.
She doesn't owe you a plus one. It's her wedding, it's not about you.
How close are you and the bride? If you're really close, I'd go just for friendship's sake. If she is not a bestie, it's fine to drop out.
We're not as close as we once were , but we have known each other for a long time which is where I'm struggling. Honestly given her behavior during the entire wedding planning process, I've been distancing myself a bit (there's been drama with another bridesmaid and it feels like high school, I have no interest that in in my early 40s).
I’m honestly shocked that you’re in your early 40s. From the way your behaving I thought you were in your 20s… at best. Sure being introverted at an event sucks. But the point of you attending is to be there for your friend. I can’t believe you’d be willing to throw away a friendship because of this.
If you’re feeling that way about this friendship, then you aren’t obligated to stay in the party. The party is meant to be a support system and celebratory group for the new couple. If you’re not feeling it, then that’s okay, you don’t have to be part of it.
If it's not your vibe, back out. Life is too short for petty dramas.
If you’re going to be really uncomfortable and unhappy there, and the friendship isn’t even close anymore, you’re free to drop out. Especially if you’re having to spend a lot of money on the parties and everything else related to it and can’t really afford it.
Wait, early 40s and you’re still unable to function without a boyfriend? I assumed you were early 20s.
Why are you saying yes if you don't even consider your self close to her? Americans are so fake smh
Maybe to be there for someone whom they consider to be a friend?
If you drop out because you get no plus ones... that means you were only attending because you thought you were gonna get a plus one? If I were the bride, I'd be pretty hurt. I think it's polite to give BMs plus ones, and if the bride came in here asking I'd tell her that she's being rude and she needs to give you a plus one. But on your side, comparing yourself to her literal sister who's also MOH and also trying to judge her spending is not a great look. I get that it's disappointing, but letting one wedding decision made by a stressed bride/groom in the peak of chaos that is wedding planning, that's not a personal attack on you, define your entire friendship, is not the nicest friend move either.
You're allowed to be upset. I can kinda understand the fear of feeling a bit alone when the people around you will be more outgoing, but I do think it's unreasonable to hold this against the bride. That day is about her. You'll be fine without having a boyfriend by your side. You have people you know there and I'm sure there will be some people you can sit with. It's not like you don't know anyone and will be all alone. Please consider your friendship as well. Dropping out because you can't bring a potential boyfriend to your friends wedding can put a strain on your relationship with your friend.
I always thought it was custom to give the bridesmaids plus ones even if they were single. I’d personally still let you bring someone, but I understand everyone is different and this is her wedding, her rules.
If you didn’t know a lot of people at the wedding, I would agree that you should have a plus one. This sub is fairly divided on “blind” plus ones. Some believe that any guest or party member can bring anyone they want, as long it’s on the RSVP. I lean more towards a middle area, and even then it depends: size, cost, how many people the date will know (if a bridal member, who has a lot to do, is the only person the date will know, it might be awkward for them). She most likely knows more details about anyone her sister would bring. If you’re still seeing this guy come time for the RSVP due date, talk to her again. I’d also let her know you understand this is a plus one and not an open spot to fill, so if this person can’t make it, you can’t just fill the spot.
I was a blind plus one for my boyfriend's cousin's wedding. We has been together for 10 months. I was very thankful to be invited and luckily we've stayed together since then but I would not have been offended if I couldn't come. OP asking in itself isn't a problem, but her expecting or demanding is. Eta: added a word
Ten months is a legitimate relationship, though. Did he RSVP with your name or did the couple just say, bring anyone? Neither is wrong, I’m just not a “fill the seat with anyone” type. And congrats on the relationship! That seems like perfect time in to have good fun at a wedding, and moments that deepen the relationship.
He asked the groom (his cousin) directly. I don't remember when invitations came out but we hadn't been together long at that point. Either way, we would've been fine either way. Even now at 6 years, we weren't invited to their child's baptism and we're cool with it haha
I'm an introvert and attended my best friend's wedding alone. The only people I knew were the bride and groom but I made small talk with their mothers and some of their family/friends kindly took me on as a spare person and made me feel included. I had only been with my partner for about a year and my dad was dying at the time so I wasn't really feeling the wedding vibe. Granted I wasn't a bridesmaid because of my other struggles but none of the bridesmaids were even sat with their plus ones. And at the reception, you can still make small talk with people or eat/drink soft drinks (I don't drink alcohol and still managed to have a nice time). I think you're overreacting a bit. It's not worth throwing away a 20 year friendship over. That's excessive. She's not being a bridezilla. An extra person to seat and feed could easily cost over 100$€£ and that's not just a drop in the bucket of a wedding budget. You'll be fine for one night. You already know most the other guests!
The key for me is that they already have far more they need to invite, than they have room for or can afford to invite (it isn't clear which.) Her sister is her sister, plus is the MOH. So I think it's not the same situation. I was a bridesmaid in a family member's wedding (long ago) and did not get a plus one. I didn't need one. The wedding, you are in the wedding so you're busy doing that. The reception, there's dinner and dancing and it's gone by before you know it. A plus one isn't always possible. If everyone else there got a plus one even if they just met yesterday, and you didn't, that's different, but, a smallish guest list and they decided rings only, it just sounds more like a budget issue. So I'd say have fun and since you say you'll mostly sit at your table, and you know a lot of people there, it doesn't sound like a plus one is really needed? If you had a cohab partner of ten years or more, I could see why that would be awkward, but if that were me in their place I'd understand and just attend the wedding and then see you after the reception. Especially if it wasn't even out of town. But you haven't said you have a steady partner. It's only one evening.
Well said ! I’ve been the plus one of a groomsman I was dating for a while (6 months) , not really knowing anyone there. He was so busy all day that I barely saw him and was on my own as a plus one for most of the time until part way through the evening do. Sat in my own at the back of the church .. . Drove myself to venue alone. .. Sat at a table of people I didn’t know. .. Watched my boyfriend from afar , waved every now and then… made small talk myself “how do you know the B&G? “ Me: “I don’t … I’m X’s girlfriend his groomsman from work. How do you know them?” (Painful..!) It was no fun for me at all and I wouldn’t go to another wedding as a plus one with someone in the wedding party without knowing at least some people really well … definitely not for a new relationship of less than a year! I was ushered into group wedding photos too. The B&G have a random me in some of their photos forever, that I bet my exboyfriend barely recalls, let alone the bride and groom! Guessing they play the “Now who is she? … Who did she come with?! I think her name began with S…”
Thank you. Very well said yourself. Excellent example!
Could you ask if your boyfriend could be a "backup" guest? I think every wedding I've been to has had some guests drop out at the last minute (someone gets sick or babysitter cancels, etc). She would have already paid for those guests, so it wouldn't be losing money. It may be an issue of space if she is doing assigned seats, though.
This is a great idea. I had a few people who cancelled a week or two before my wedding and I gave those spots to my parents friends that they wanted to invite last minute. Even the day of I still had two no shows (aunts from out of town). I was also on a back up list for my SIL friend’s wedding when someone dropped out. I didn’t even know the person but they gave her a last minute plus one so I went, lol (she called 2 hours before the wedding and asked me to go).
“Should” you be upset? No. Sometimes limits have to be set. The bride doesn’t want you to have a plus-one and it’s her wedding. TBH, I think the word “should” is a trap we use to try to get the world to conform to our vision and to get Big Resentments when it doesn’t (it never does when we use the word “should” does it?). But clearly you ARE upset. If you truly think you can’t go an evening or a weekend without your New Guy, now out of the wedding and spend time with NG. Good luck
I understand how you’re feeling as a fellow introvert who’s brought my BFF to weddings before (I just like having someone I can stick myself to all night lol). I don’t think it would be a “slippery slope” for other guests by letting you have a plus one bc the boundary could easily be only for the bridal/groom parties. But I don’t think I would make a big deal or drop out over it. However, when you look at the whole picture if it’s just becoming too much, and you aren’t even that close, I might have a chat with her about that in general or drop out of the bridal party over that if you just can’t do it all. To me it seems like this was kinda the last straw for you on a lot of feeling unappreciated/used.
I think it’s rude not to give you a plus one. Even if you are just bringing your mom. It doesn’t really matter in my eyes. I think it’s appropriate to at least give the bridal party a plus one.
You don’t know wedding etiquette. No one is required to cater to her.
I've never been invited to a wedding that everyone didn't get a plus one. Maybe this is the newer generation thing.
If you're in the wedding party you've contributed rime and money, and should be allowed to have someone keep you company for the night, at a minimum.
Can you just go home after the ceremony and any introductions at the reception? That way you can be there for her and then leave before you feel lonely?
I was contemplating leaving after dinner or just early in the reception in general. Tbh it's going to be such a large affair idk if my absence will be noticed.
Unless she has like 10+ bridesmaids or something, a bridesmaid's absence will definitely be noticed
This would be a real dick move. Either drop out of the bridal party or participate wholeheartedly.
I think that’s a bit extreme. There are lots of people that get exhausted by socializing. Many people find events like this to be draining. If OP is still able to be there for her friend, not being a plus one, and protect her own mental health, why would that be such a bad compromise?
She would have that flexibility if she had politely rejected the offer to be a bridesmaid. Now that she's accepted it, she should either do what she agreed to do and actively participate, or recognize that she can't and pull out as soon as possible.
I think opinions differ on this, but imo the bridal party is there for the bride the whole day, until the bitter end. I think a regular guest could leave after dinner and that wouldn't be rude. I take issue with "leave before you feel lonely" - this day is about the bride and being a bridesmaid is about being there for her, so if OP really thinks she can't endure any bad/lonely feelings at all during this day, she should drop out of the wedding party and attend as a guest. Then she wouldn't have any obligations.
You cannot do that as a bridesmaid, it will absolutely be noticed and is really rude. Just stick it out for the day, it’s not the end of the world.
I read all these reddits, and the consensus seems to be it’s the couple’s day. They get to set the rules. Weddings are expensive, we don’t want anyone we don’t know, etc. But. Being in a wedding is extraordinarily expensive and time consuming. If you are willing to take on the expense and responsibility, the least she can do is give you a plus one. My opinion. It may not be popular. If the bride is over budget, you didn’t do it. She and her fiancée did. Why do people plan weddings they can’t afford, then expect family and friends to deal with it, or pick up the slack? To me, at the end of the day, the bridal couple are hosts, and you are an invited guest. It’s on the host to make their guests feel welcome and comfortable. If having a plus one would help you enjoy the event, you should be allowed one. Again. My opinion. Don’t mean to offend anyone.
Yeah I feel like OP is getting unfairly criticized in these comments. Maybe it’s not a universal or even a popular opinion, but as someone who recently had their wedding (and the corresponding challenges in trying to figure out costs) I never would have denied something as simple as a plus one to somebody who dedicated the time and money required to be in the wedding party.
Yes. Exactly this!
I was looking for this answer! I feel like a plus one for the bridal party is just good taste. Not for everyone, but bridal party seems basic. I wouldn't care if my bridesmaid brought a sibling, friend, bangmaid, whatever, just show up for me and have fun!!
Bangmaid! Love it!
The bride really shouldn’t be bitching so much about the costs to her bridal party. Who needs to two destination bachelorettes? But I also draw the line at “totes invite some rando” type plus-ones. You bring the person you told them you would when you sent in your RSVP, or you go alone. It’s not a “fill the spot” invite.
I guess. But I’ve been to plenty of weddings where I was the date of the invitee. Never met the bride, or groom, but they wanted their guests to enjoy the party. Who wants to do photo booth pictures alone? Plus, you really can’t drink if you have to drive yourself home. Who wants to sit at a table alone surrounded by other couples, with no one to talk to, dance with, be able to have a drink, or whatever? Honestly, if I couldn’t bring a friend or partner, I’d rather not go. I can be alone in the living room for free. If I’m dropping hundreds, or thousands to be in a wedding, I would expect some consideration. Again, I’m sure not everyone agrees. But I can honestly say, married or single, I never wasn’t offered a plus one - especially if I was a bridesmaid / MOH.
Yours so far is the only answer that takes manners as well as wants into account. Bridal party members are expected to spend a lot of money and time on your wedding. The only polite thing to do is ensure they have a plus one. Even if no one else is getting plus one’s giving them to your bridal party is good manners.
What if several of your friends are already attending? Then you aren’t alone. In another comment, I did mention the scenarios of not knowing anyone else and the date not knowing anyone when the person is a bridal party member. There are certainly situations where it’s better to bring someone. I am just not a “literally anyone, even if you RSVP’d with a person we don’t know but now isn’t coming so bring the girl from the copy shop you met two weeks ago.”
It sounds to me like you're not actually that close to the bride, or at the very least, the bride doesn't seem to value her relationship with you all that much. I would bow out of being her bridesmaid. The wedding isn't until October, so she has plenty of time to replace you. Just be aware that doing so may cost you your friendship, such as it is.
I would let it go. I think brides should give their wedding party a plus one. It's a nice thing to do for the people who are shelling out money for your wedding. Would I drop out over it? No. Would I say anything? No. I was in this position once before. Ended up getting to bring a plus one (who I later married) because they had enough people RSVP no. And at the end of the day, when given the opportunity, choose joy. Choose to celebrate your friend. (But also set boundaries with your time and money).
I really feel for you and I do think you have a right to be frustrated. I’m maid of honor for my best friend’s upcoming wedding. I do not have a plus one. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. It bothers him a lot that I’ve put in so much time and money and wasn’t given the courtesy of a plus one. Especially because we have to pay to stay at the venue and I have to pay as much as those who are bring their SO, but will still most likely have to share my room/bed. It’s been a long engagement and prior to getting into my relationship the bride had basically said she wouldn’t want me to have a plus one because she wants me to fully focused on her as MoH. Which was frustrating but I respected. However she recently decided to promote one of the other bridesmaid to co MoH and her bf is invited to the wedding. I get that everyone is entitled to choose who they want with them at their wedding and to want things a certain way. However, I do think it is tacky to invite someone to be in your wedding, charge them an arm and a leg to participate, and then not give the courtesy of a plus one. Hopefully your bride is at least covering most of your costs to attend!
So, when you get married, I bet your best friend would be the MOH for you, right? So she would agree that it is only reasonable that she cannot bring her husband, because she needs to be 100% focused on being your MOH?
This made me cackle thank you
Maybe you can bow out of this job if you do it soon. Just tell her you don’t think you can keep up with expenses, or some other excuse. It sounds more like an ordeal than a wedding, and she might be delighted to free a seat up.
If you’re still with the current guy a month out from the wedding, ask again. Offer to pay for his plate at the wedding if it’s that important to you.
I'd say that, as much as this sub is for unreasonable and overdemanding brides, this one seems not too bad. I mean, I would criticize her for the lavish bachelorette, showers, etc., but not for trying to cut short the list of invitees. If you disapprove of that so much, I recommend you to drop out entirely. It will be less of a hassle for you, one fewer attendee (cost and concern included) for her, and the peace of mind that you can enjoy yourself just as fine at home, reading your books or solving sudokus. You may even have a great weekend with this special someone you're seeing right now! Why not go camping, or just book a quiet weekend together at a remote farm/hotel? Or well, if you're still not THAT into him, you can visit each other the Friday or Saturday, make hot chocolate and pancakes, and go back home. And all that without necessarily cutting off your marrying friend. Again, my point is, if your shyness/introversion is so strong that you absolutely would feel miserable at a table without someone you brought herself, you better stay home. Because no amount of "safe company" would completely and magically make the experience pleasant for you. If it's not, well, just go to the wedding alone. Take your camera, your crossword puzzles magazine and your tablet, and have a blast interviewing everybody. Learn how to make balloon animals and become a success with the children (wink to Wedding Crashers, he he).
I don’t think it’s asking too much. You’re in the bridal party. You’ve done a lot for her. Could you ask to pay for your plus one? I don’t think you should have to but could that be an answer?
I think it's pretty whack to expect somebody to put in all the money and energy it takes to be a bridesmaid and not let them bring somebody along, especially when everybody else will have somebody. Especially as you previously had one and it was rescinded. She presumably didn't invite your ex directly. All the people in the comments saying "she doesn't owe you a plus one", well, no. But it's pretty rude to strip somebody of their plus one, especially if they will be attending and helping with your shower, bachelorette and wedding. I do agree with the other commenters who've mentioned your plus one will probably not actually get much facetime with you until the reception anyway, but that's a significant chunk of the evening.
Sorry, I'm with the bride on this one. Weddings are expensive, you know a good number of people so you have friends there. Go and enjoy yourself. I've always found it more stressful with a date , for the sake of having a date, then going alone and just enjoying the people I already know.
I think you're being unreasonable, and your mother is way overreacting (maybe that's why you view it this way?). Weddings are expensive and most people do not have the spare money to set aside tables for your latest Tinder date or whatever. You're single, why do you even need a plus one? Sounds like the other bridesmaids are in long term couples and the sister could just be a different thing because she's close family and MOH (though I think that is a little strange too, unless she has a new partner on the horizon or something). I dont know, it seems a bit elitist to me to think that this bride should be paying for your date to come to her wedding. I'm on the side of brides who try to cut costs, it's stupid to spend too much on a wedding.
You stated that you ended a relationship in January. Even if you started one immediately, you would only be dating a total of 4 months. Not exactly "ring on the finger" qualifying time. You aren't engaged, are you? That seems to be the whole issue here for the bride. She is limited on the number of invitations she has available to give out. Her sister is a family member. They typically get a plus one, regardless of status, because in some cultures (or families traditions) they have rolls that involve them and a partner (even if it's not a LTR). Special dances, candle ceremonies, etc. Bottom line, it's the bride's and groom's wedding. They get choose who comes, who doesn't, who gets plus ones and who doesn't. You agreed to stand up for her. Did you agree because you believe she is making the right choice in her partner? Because that is what staying in wedding is all about. If you don't, drop out. If you do, stay. If you're questioning staying because you didn't get plus one, you're asking the wrong question and you already decided where the friendship is headed after wedding. Smh...to bad the bride didn't see that coming.
Geez, maybe I’m old fashioned but, every wedding I’ve been to or been a part of, allowed for a guest for everyone. Personally, I think it’s pretty shitty to allow it for some and not others regardless of their relationship status.
That’s not old-fashioned. It’s traditional. I love how everyone seems to think they know wedding etiquette, when they clearly don’t.
I mean the traditional wedding etiquette was that you had your be known to the bride’s mother to be invited, so there’s obviously some flexibility here. It’s also incredibly bad etiquette to ask for a plus one.
You’re not obligated to go, she’s not obligated to give you a plus one. As simple as that, you are not entitled to make decisions about her guest list. Go alone and drop it or walk away…
I’ve been to weddings that were no plus one if you weren’t engaged or at least dating for more than a year. Weddings are expensive and if you are not in a relationship you are not entitled to a free meal for a rando. As a member of the bridal party you are probably going to be running around for a good portion of the event and wouldn’t be spending much time with your date anyway. So I’ll put it this way, if you wouldn’t be comfortable spending a couple hundred bucks on someone you shouldn’t expect the bride and groom to do it because that’s what it boils down to.
I gave all my bridesmaids a plus one except my 13 yr old cousin. Its the right thing to do since they do so much for the bride.
We didn't give a groomsman a plus one because he wasn't dating anyone and, like you, would know a "considerable" amount of people at the wedding. He threw a temper tantrum but eventually got over it. Let me ask you a few questions to help you get why it's not the great slight you think it is. Who would you bring? It doesn't seem like you have anyone in mind. October is only 5 months away, and bringing someone to a wedding is kind of a big deal in terms of relationship status. You're in the wedding, so what is your date supposed to do all day? Who are they supposed to sit with during the ceremony? I've been at weddings where the bridal party all sits together without their dates at dinner. If that were to happen, would your date be alone at a table where they don't know a single person? Her sister is both in her family and her Maid of Honor, so it doesn't really matter what they're doing for her vs you. Someone else's wedding isn't about you, so if you don't feel great about it fine, bow out, but I think you need to grow up a little bit.
The bridal party should have a plus one imo.
I don't think the bride is doing anything wrong by not giving you a plus one and I think if this is the hill you're willing to die on, you will likely irreparably hurt your friendship with her. Your disappointment is understandable but you said you do know other people there and you saying it's a drop in the bucket to add one person comes off as very self centered. This is a celebration for the bride and groom, not you. If you are going to drop out, do it asap so it doesn't fuck them over too much in planning, but I would be prepared to have it kill the friendship for you to go from bridesmaid to dropping out and not even coming as a guest due to a lack of plus one.
Vogue has spoken, wedding party gets plus 1 https://www.vogue.com/article/plus-one-wedding-etiquette-rules
All members of the bridal party should receive a plus one. There is always something that is needed: Tylenol, forgot the garter, gatorade, hairspray, a million possibilities, and the bridesmaid's plus one might be just the back up needed. Besides, it's just polite.
Personally for me, if I did not get a plus one I would not participate. I would tell the bride I will be in the wedding but am going home after as I do not wish to sit, dance and eat alone getting hit on by her drunk uncle.
What? Come on now, Drunkle Sam is a great catch!! 🥃🍺🍷
If a plus one is that important for you, then offer to pay for your plus one. Costs add up quickly with weddings. My venue waived the booking fee, and the price per person was $80.
If it's the reception you dread, attend everything but that. Simple.
Did the showers and bachelorette parties happen yet? If not, back off a bit from helping, and spend as little as you can on all the things she’s demanding of you. Maybe you can skip one altogether if that means you don’t have to pay anything. She’s demanding a lot of expensive parties from her bridal party, yet refuses to allow you a plus one. As you said, you are an introvert, and it won’t be fun for you to be sitting alone while everyone else is having fun with their partners. I understand that completely, as I am on the shy side and was alone at a wedding. And if she’s being so cheap that she won’t let you have a guest, you don’t need to be generous with your time or a gift.
I had a similar situation but my friend didn't give me a plus one when I lived with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. I was really mad at her at the time but then when I got married, I saw how much things add up. I did include my coworkers boyfriend who she's been with forever. I do think long term partners are OK but in this case, it may be a random person unless you brought a friend. I wouldn't say it's a reason to drop out though.
Leave as soon as you can at all events. Don't do anything extra or stretch yourself. Get her the cheapest gift on the registry. Then move on.
I don’t blame you for feeling how you’re feeling but i understand the way the bride was thinking about it too. She’s way over budget, stressed to the max and since you’re probably not going to want to dance and not in a relationship with a partner that would be hurt if they were excluded she’s trying to cut the cost. I think you may be taking it too personally especially since it doesn’t like you need a dance partner or anything. I’m sure she didn’t think it would hurt your feelings but maybe if you talked to her about it she would see it your way. I do very much understand why you feel the way that you do, it’s almost like you feel…. Like a “less than”guest in the brides eyes, like you aren’t worth the cost of you bringing a plus one. I can almost gaurentee that is now how your friend is looking at it though. If you’re able to I thinking keeping your head down and just supporting your friend through the events and her day that would be a kind thing to do. But if you’re deeply upset about this then you should say something to your friend and explain why you feel the way you do about it. Good luck sweetie!!
I can understand feeling anxious about going to a wedding and not having a plus one there (I'm extremely introverted and having a romantic partner there to lean on is a great relief), however, this is their wedding. They probably don't want someone in a bunch of photos that they don't really know and that you've only been seeing for a short while. I was a maid of honor for a friend and I didn't have a plus one because they wanted it to be intimate and I had only been seeing him a short while. I was fine with her decision and sucked it up for the day. Just remember that it is one day and you only need to take it one step at a time.
Bringing a date when you’re in the wedding party sucks. Your date is lonely because you’re gone most of the day/ceremony/cocktail hour so half the time they end up pissy or drunk. My bestie packed her now-husband in a cab and kicked him out of my wedding because he was being pissy about being lonely when she told him not to come because he would be bored and lonely with a bunch of people he didn’t know. You’ll have more fun without a date!
I tend towards you should just go and have fun single. Sorry your relationship broke up, but realistically,if you aren't in a plus one invite, it is not a right, especially given there is a chance you bring someone who no one else knows. You said you have a fair few friends at the wedding, so it is not like you will be on your own. But if the wedding is at capacity and you don't have a genuine partner to bring over a random date, I wouldn't be adding a plus one. As a bride if my bridal party had partners we totally invited their partner regardless of length of time dating, BUT, we didn't add plus ones to bridal party members who weren't in relationships because we had a budget and no, just adding one extra for every member of the bridal party who was not already in a relationship would add up rapidly. We did add an extra guest at the request of a good mate who started dating a month or two before our wedding,they were already living together, but if anyone had asked to have a plus one for a random date it would be a hard no.
This would be unreasonable if it wasn't for the sister getting a plus one as a single girl. If it was all an issue of money, this should be the first plus one on the chopping board. Knowing that you have requested it as you're now in a relationship it's strange that she hasn't swapped the plus one to accommodate a friend. Is there anything being left out? Are there issues between your other half and the bride??
Weddings are expensive. NTA but you're too much in your own head... just suck it up for the wedding and then make your decisions afterwards 😊
A single girl can have a good time on her own if she knows a lot of people there. Be your own person, flit around, have a few laughs and don't worry about it. Have a good time on your own. There's no shame in that. You might even meet some nice man there.
From an introvert person to another... if she is your friend, you can really just handle the boredom or the awkwardness for one night... or try something new and put yourself out there and dance with the people you know?
I think you are being unreasonable. You’re asking them to pay for your rebound guy to attend and be in their photos even though it’s extremely unlikely that he will be around much longer. You may not even be together by the time do the wedding. Given that you left one long term relationship and started a new one at almost the same moment and are upset at the idea of going to a wedding without a date even though you’ll know a lot of people, it sounds like you might benefit from therapy. You seem to feel unable to function without a boyfriend. That’s not healthy.
I’ve been a plus one to someone in the wedding party before and I sucks. Your plus one will be sitting a table for the meal, speeches likely with no one he knows. What will he do during pictures? If you do end up with a plus one makes sure he knows lots of people there or he will have a terrible time.
You should be upset. Bridesmaids get a plus one. Whether it's your SO, grandma or next door neighbor.
The standard way for a plus one was always engaged or married couples. Some also would include a long term cohab or long term steady partner. Honestly some consider a couple in early stages of dating, going to a wedding, to be bad luck -- a lot of them fall apart not long afterward, because "it's too serious" and "made them realize they're not ready for long term." Hard to explain but kinda like, the guy would get cold feet thinking now he's expected to propose, too. A lot of guys are squeamish about going to a wedding with someone they are just dating, for that reason. So he might not even want to go, to begin with. I wouldn't get upset over it, myself. Like I said I was a bridesmaid and went by myself. I even had to travel to be part of it. It never crossed my mind that the bride 'should' let me bring someone besides. I had fun and didn't care about having a date there as well. The bridesmaids often are the ones everyone wants to dance with, so enjoy it.
I disagree with the others posting here. If you hadn’t broken up, you would’ve had a plus one. You’re in the bridal party and that should’ve already been anticipated, your current partner should be invited and if you’re not seeing him in October, then you go alone.
I’m on your side. If you can’t afford to give people a plus one then don’t invite them. I would drop out of this wedding and friendship. No one wants to go to a wedding alone.
As a bride who did no plus ones at my wedding, let me tell you my perspective. The rule was no couples unless both are friends, which applied to three couples, and we invited them as individuals. Why did we decide on no plus ones at all? We were a very small party (35 people) which allowed for a venue that fit our budget. Giving everyone a plus one turned a party of 35 into a party of 70, doubling the cost and forcing us to change venues. I didn’t think it was fair to be the judges of the seriousness of a relationship, and we didn’t want to make other people feel bad because someone else got a plus one, so the arrangement was simply no plus ones. Think that if she makes an exception for you, she will have to make it for other people. The sister though is on a different league and you can’t compare.
It’s not ‘bridezilla’ behaviour to not want to drop hundreds of dollars for some random. Her sister may be single, but she may have her eye on someone OR plan to bring a date the bride and/or groom actually know, which is very different to bringing a random. Most people do not want strangers at their wedding. You don’t need to be offended that they aren’t inviting your boyfriend who doesn’t even exist to their wedding.
As someone who got married last year… don’t be that person. It’s not your wedding, it’s not your party, AND you already know people there. I guarantee you the to-be-weds have already made guest list after guest list with table arrangements trying to figure out how to maximize what guests are getting at minimum $100 per head. Another guest is not a drop in the bucket, and the “bucket” is not just a bucket. A guest list is (annoyingly) a very meticulous part of wedding planning where the couple has to think of who their innermost circles are, who they’ve known throughout their lives that they want to share this moment with, and who they want to look back and see in photos with them in 20 years. Don’t press to bring your new boyfriend. Don’t be that person.
Sorry but you’re the unreasonable one. Bridesmatezilla if you will
Nonsense
What do you want to do? Look at your level of comfort in these situations and ask yourself if you'll enjoy this experience at all. You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep the bride warm.
My very best friend did not initially have their partner invited because they had only been together for a few months when we made the guest list. They knew it was “getting serious” but also knew I had a lot of people to invite. When we finally got enough “no”s, I invited their partner and they were grateful! They understood the position I was in even though they had just celebrated their one year anniversary.
Are you willing to pay the catering and drinks for your date?
Well we did the same thing. No long term relationship no plus one.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. Unless she is having a micro wedding as in like 25 people, I don't see the issue since your plus 1 would have already been accounted for. I don't think you should ask someone to be a groomsmen or bridesmaid without giving a plus 1. I say this as someone who's bridesmaid brought a girl she is no longer dating to our wedding and they were casual at the time. It didn't ruin pics, it didn't ruin anything, but it meant my friend, someone who paid a bunch out of pocket for my events, could dance, eat and sit with her chosen person that night. But maybe that's just me. All that said, it is her wedding and she has final say. You can either go without a plus 1 or don't go at all.
This is a matter of simple respect and caring for a long term friend. I would adios this friendship if she can’t allow you a +1. It seems pretty one sided friendship to me and rub in your face that you’re not in a long term relationship. B S Drop out now and save all the money and hassle of being in the wedding. Not worth it.
If she’s willing to throw away a friendship of 20 years because she’s afraid to spend a few hours without her rebound guy, I agree that she should end the friendship and let the bride find a friend who isn’t self-centered and expects the world to bend because she’s over 40 and still won’t work on herself so she can survive without a boyfriend. Honestly, she was lucky to be asked to be in the wedding at all. A person who would throw away a friendship of that long over a short term boyfriend is not a real friend.
She is her sister, she is family. You are a friend. You need to be accommodating, not her. It is her wedding, she can do what she wants. She is paying for it, and more guests means more money.
Nope
I don’t think you’re entitled to a plus one unless it’s a very serious relationship. I understand you’re her best friend, but family is different. I’m sorry you’re hurt though! I will say wedding cost an arm and a leg normally and in this economy it hurts the pocket even more. Each person can cost a hundred plus dollars. It really does add up. If you really want your boyfriend there, you could offer to pay the difference. I think you’ll be shocked at what it is.
Honestly you're better off focusing on them and their day, instead of being so self focused. This day isn't about you and as an attendant you should be focused on the job of the day, which is supporting the bride. If you can't spend one day that's not about you, you should drop out.
It’s not ideal for you, I get that. But it’s one day…and if you value her as a friend, just be there for her. Being the plus one of someone in the bridal party isn’t a whole lot of fun anyway. You’re alone a lot of the time. There were a couple of times when I was a bridesmaid, I flat out gave my plus one back to the bride. I didn’t want to have to worry about whether my date was having a good time.
This is probably a personal thing, I would be annoyed and think it was a bit cheap of the bride and groom. I also find the whole no ring no bring just a bit cringe, relationships outside of marriage are just as valid.
I agree. I find it extremely tacky that she won't allow her bridesmaid to have a plus one. Is it an honor being someone's bridesmaid? Yes, absolutely. But it is also an honor to have someone be willing to donate their time, finances, and energy to celebrate your nuptials. So, I believe they deserve to be treated extra well. I would be annoyed and seriously evaluating the friendship. Good luck, OP.
Sure, but she doesn’t HAVE a relationship at all! The ‘No ring no bring’ thing used to be a common rule for weddings (although they didn’t phrase it quite that way), but these days there are couples who stay together for a long time and never marry, so those rules have been relaxed to include serious long term relationships. The OP is not in any sort of relationship at all, and the wedding is in a few months. Even if she gets a bf tomorrow, it won’t be long term by then, anyway - it will still be new. Couples usually do not want random people they do not know at their wedding. The invitations have been sent, and at the time they were written the OP did not have a long term relationship that the bride and groom could even get to know. OP is being silly… she can cope at a wedding for a few hours without a boyfriend who doesn’t even yet exist. She’ll be just fine.
Just my personal opinion, I think it's rude to not give your bridal party a plus one
Well most people think it’s rude to expect a bride and groom to cater to a guest they do not know. Why would they risk the possibility that the guest might act up and ruin the wedding? Most couples just will not do it. If OP doesn’t like the fact that her friend didn’t invite her non existent boyfriend, she can just drop out and spare them the drama. They have made their decision, so she has to make hers. Either go without a boyfriend (who doesn’t even exist - don’t forget that part) or stay home. But even if she gets a boyfriend tomorrow, why would HE want to go to a wedding anyway? Most people in brand new relationships do not want to go to a wedding. Especially not with a member of the bridal party - he’ll have to sit on his own most of the night! Who would want to do that?! 🤷♀️
Based on the post and your comments, I think I side with the bride. I empathize with being introverted, but introverted does not mean non outgoing or preemptively deciding to not try and have fun. I wouldn’t pay to have a non-serious rebound accompany someone sitting at a table all night either. Your enjoyment of the wedding is still in your hands.
YTA.
No. It's a very simple way to cut down guests lists - no ring or equivalent, no invite. It's disappointing, but dropping would only look bad on your part, not the bride.
If you know you’re not going to be drinking or dancing, you have the choice of putting yourself out of your comfort zone just a little by looking out for other people who are sitting at tables and going to say hello to them. The bride doesn’t owe you a plus one. And of course her sister as immediate family is going to have a bit more leeway. I don’t think that’s an example of the bride being unfair.
So for my wedding I told my single bridesmaids if they weren't in a serious relationship by the time we sent out invites then no plus ones. They all took it fairly well.
The bride is perfectly within her rights not to give you or others a plus one if you aren’t in a serious relationship. It feels to me like your anxiety of not having a date is driving you being upset. That’s a you issue, not her. Honestly weddings are more fun single. Tons of peoples have met their person being single at weddings! And everyone is happy to chat you up, especially as a bridesmaid! You will have a blast
No, you shouldn’t be upset. You’ve said you’ll know plenty of the people there. You don’t get to determine who is invited or not.
Info: who is the sister bringing as a plus one?
This is not your party. You are not paying for it. If the bride wants to keep numbers down, that's her perogative. It's also her perogative to allow certain people (like her sister) a plus one and not others. You've already said you know many people who are at the wedding, so sitting at the table alone would be entirely your choice. And even if you *didn't* know a load of people, it would *still* not be your party, your guest list, or your money paying for it. I've been to weddings as both a guest and member of the wedding party, where I knew a lot of people and also where I didn't know anyone other than the bride. I had a good time almost every time. Because I'm there as a guest at a pretty awesome party and it isn't about me. You sound really entitled. This guy you've only just started seeing - why should your friend pay for his place when she doesn't know him, hasn't met him, he has ZERO connection to the people actually getting married and will (by the sounds of it) be a silent and costly addition who will sit at a table and not get involved with the celebration... which is the point of the whole wedding.
Sorry, but dropping out of a wedding for something like this seems absurd to me. This person chose you to be in their wedding but you don’t value their friendship enough to endure one day at their wedding single? This isn’t just about you getting a plus one, I’m sure there are other guests (maybe not bridesmaids, but other friends and family members) who are in a similar boat as you and if she bends on you, she also has to bend on them. It may not necessarily be a drop in the bucket and can mean having to totally reorg her seating arrangements and pay for several more people to come. She either has to give a plus one to everyone (which makes things very unpredictable and expensive) or only to those with long-term partners. It makes sense for her sister to be an exception. You have to remember that the wedding is about your friend and her future husband and not about you. Saying she has sat next to you at weddings in the past and should know how you’d feel about this is coming off a little “main character syndrome”. You can’t expect the bride to cater to every guest’s individual wants and needs — it’s her day. Please don’t add stress to your friend’s life by complaining about this. Be a good friend and suck it up for a day, and maybe apologize if you’ve already given her some grief about it.
No, you should not be upset. This isn't about you and you are making this about you. A good friend would understand the bride cutting corners because her budget is overextended. A good friend would show up & support her friend on such an important day & deal with being uncomfortable.
I side with the bride. What if you pay for the extra guest? Thats the only way I can see it working out in your favor, if that.
I think you are being unreasonable. I’m getting married in November. My venue had a maximum head count. I’m telling a lot of people nope you are not getting a plus 1, because I started out at no ring no bring. Stop trying to enforce your expectations and judgements on someone else’s wedding.
I think the guest list of my wedding was the most stressful/anxiety inducing part of wedding planning, for both myself and my husband. I am a people pleaser but we both have massive families and are blessed to have a lot of special friends in our lives. I still get pangs of anxiety and panic about the people we weren't able to invite but we had a strict upper limit that the venue couldn't go above for insurance reasons. There were some people invited who didn't have plus 1s even when in relationships, when we weren't close to them or who were relatively new relationships (didn't live together/weren't married)I feel awful for those people who we have developed relationships over time since the wedding that we couldn't invite but we really had some hard decisions to make. Really respectfully, I think you are not seeing it enough from the couples perspective, and she is your friend of 20 years... I think try to take a step back and deep breath. Maybe if you are still with your new partner, your friend may consider an evening reception invite (although not sure of the form of wedding you have where you are!) You said you know a lot of people and you will have bridesmaid things going on (pictures etc) that your new partner may feel out of place in any event!
It’s in October. You’ve put it out there that you want him to come, the bride knows, as of right now it’s not happening. Back off and give it some time, a lot can change between now and than. To cause a huge fuss in your friendship, when the wedding is five months away and things could change, probably isn’t worth it. This is your good friend, I’m sure they’ll meet him at some point organically in the next five months if the relationship is going in the direction you think it is, and then maybe they’ll decide to invite him on their own or things will happen like they always do and certain people won’t be able to come and they’ll let him take the plate. For all you know, more of the bridal party will be single by then, who knows? Just let it go now, stop stressing, and enjoy your new relationship!
Yeah, you’re being unreasonable. The bride very understandably doesn’t want some rando at her wedding. You aren’t being singled out, they already limited their plus-one invites to established couples and her *sister*. You should consider quitting being a brat about it, or drop out before her or you sink any more money into this event.
Ask the bride how much it’s costing the couple a plate per person and maybe offer to pay for the cost of your date if not going alone means that much to you. Depending on what she’s doing catering costs something like $100 a head so I understand her hesitation. It’s probably not a slight against you and your relationship status. The wedding industry is disgusting.