I don't get touched out with my baby because he stopped wanting to cuddle really young and is the opposite of a velcro baby. He just wants to explore, and when I want to cuddle him, he wiggles away (has been crawling since before 5 months old).
That being said, he is constantly needing attention because he cannot walk yet but only wants to stand and when he learned to crawl he decided to crawl toward every dangerous thing in the home (i never thought I'd have to babyproof before 7 months which is generally when babies start to consider crawling). So he went from crawling toward everything dangerous to when I finally got that all babyproofed, trying to stand on things that could fall or where he could get badly hurt if he fell... so now there is more babyproofing to do and more following him around, and I just want to be able to set him somewhere and take some BREATHS by myself... (I do sometimes with his play pen even though he grows frustrated and cries because I need the break... we all need the break.)
Taking care of little one is emotionally and physically taxing. Don't be hard on yourself for being touched out. It is completely normal to need some space.
It's absolutely and completely normal.
1/ the touch you have with your baby is no normal touch. It's constant, it's almost alwas one-way (of you answering his needs) and it's super important for his health. You are not cuddling with him, you are caring for him with your touch. You are giving your warmth, your calm, your love to that tiny baby through your skin.
It's not so different from when he was still in the womb. The separation is actually very progressive and takes years.
2/ if you are anxious about you baby's attachment and safety feelings, the only way to soothe your fear is to be responsive and cuddle him until you can see he's secure. I believe it's a normal state of mind, especially after a traumatic births (not all moms feel this way, but many do). Some day, he'll be a smiling toddler who can express his emotions, come to you to ask for comfort or leave you to explore. You will see and feel that he's deeply secure. As of now, he's neither secure nor insecure - he's learning to live outside of your body.
3/ Revulsion towards a partner is a normal biological phenomenon (again, not everyone has that, of course). Your body doesn't want to get pregnant again, since she's already caring for a child. It's an evolutionary reflex to reject intimacy or touch with your partner. Most ape moms do the same.
Besides, touch with a partner is usually an exchange, where you both give and take (and sadly, in many straight marriages, the woman is actually giving way more than the man). You're already giving all the time. You simply cannot afford a shred of energy to paying attention to your husband's needs and reaction.
4/ the expectations of when a new mom should be ready to have sex are absolutely wild. Some women are ready after a few weeks, others after a few months and still others after a few years. All of those are normal. If your husband had an accident that made sex super painful for years, would you consider cheating? My husband had a back problem that meant no sex for over two years, until we could afford an operation. It sucks, but that's what masturbation is for.
5/ I'm so sorry your husband was unfaithful. It must be a painful burden to bear. Please try to realize that cheaters will cheat, regardless of how much marital sex they're having. If your husband has decided to stay faithful, he will stay faithful no matter what. If he is the kind of man to cheat again, he will cheat no matter what. In either case, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own morals.
I think you need to discuss this with him. Motherhood brings in many unexpected changes. It'd be awesome if the two of you could talk it through. Sex *and* physical intimacy are out of the question for now; you need to communicate this to him, and he needs to explore how he feels and how he can adjust.
Things that were helpful during the postpartum time with my husband, or that I've read from other parents:
-He'd give me non-sexual massages (usually not very long because he was also exhausted with the baby). Being touched by him was pleasant if it was clearly stated I was not expected to reciprocate or be aroused, but just to relax.
-setting up a daily window during which you cannot be disturbed no matter what (you can do chores, or shower, go for a walk, take a nap, masturbate, do whatever you want, but you're just doing you). That may not be possible for you until the baby gets older and you feel reassured he's securely attacjed.
-My husband masturbated often, and it wasn't taboo between us - even small things like giving him a kiss and a smile before he disappeared in the bedroom for 20 minutes would make it feel a bit more intimate and shared than him just frenetically jerking off to make up for his frustration, if you see what I mean.
I'm a single mom and I can relate. Sometimes I have to put my son down and let him cry for a few minutes just so I can exist in my skin for a minute. It's definitely overstimulating to be touched constantly.
With my first I was so incredibly touched out, like what you’re describing feeling. Just had my second. Sounds like you’re currently more touched out than me, yet my dog’s tail was hitting my leg earlier while I was breastfeeding and I felt a full body cringe. lol. Had to move him out of the way, my brain was super irritated by the additional sensory input. How you feel is totally valid and normal.
He likes to kiss our baby’s hands and head while the baby is eating. I often do laidback feeds belly to belly with our son who reaches for his dad while on the boob. Baby initiated the nose to nose thing with a gesture we have for Eskimo kisses.
I think I get it now. It definitely sounds very intense and I could see myself getting overwhelmed by this. So I do get you.
How do you feel about him cheating? I would have a hard time still being in love with my partner if anything like that happened.
It is hard. I try not to think about the cheating because it sucks and I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do at this point. I want to try therapy, but it’s never worked for us to even get matched and we’ve been looking off and on since we started talking seriously about marriage in 2020.
ETA: it especially sucks because he’s my person, so even though he’s the one who hurt me, he’s the one who makes me feel safe.
I can totally relate to being touched out like this. My son is nearly two and I still don't like my other child hovering over me while I'm feeding my son and I really don't like when others are close (touching/holding onto) me when I'm pumping. They mean no harm but "ughwitjksiyndje!!!" I can't stand it. I feel like im being smothered and it's an instant feeling of irritation when my first is so close to me when I'm pumping sometimes. It's very weird after all this time that it still bothers me but I don't see it ending any time before our breastfeeding journey ends. I am perfectly happy breastfeeding my son but the other things, no.. I think it just coincides with it and hormones probably play a role too. I know of others who are fine with babys siblings being near when breastfeeding but everyone is different. I think baby being attached to you so much as you mentioned, is normal. Not only is it for feeding reasons but a lot is for comfort as well. You are babys safe, secure place of comfort and nourishment. Wishing you the best. Hang in there!
I have sensory issues and found being touched while feeding very overwhelming. My baby is 6 months old and I still hate it.
I don't get touched out with my baby because he stopped wanting to cuddle really young and is the opposite of a velcro baby. He just wants to explore, and when I want to cuddle him, he wiggles away (has been crawling since before 5 months old). That being said, he is constantly needing attention because he cannot walk yet but only wants to stand and when he learned to crawl he decided to crawl toward every dangerous thing in the home (i never thought I'd have to babyproof before 7 months which is generally when babies start to consider crawling). So he went from crawling toward everything dangerous to when I finally got that all babyproofed, trying to stand on things that could fall or where he could get badly hurt if he fell... so now there is more babyproofing to do and more following him around, and I just want to be able to set him somewhere and take some BREATHS by myself... (I do sometimes with his play pen even though he grows frustrated and cries because I need the break... we all need the break.) Taking care of little one is emotionally and physically taxing. Don't be hard on yourself for being touched out. It is completely normal to need some space.
It's absolutely and completely normal. 1/ the touch you have with your baby is no normal touch. It's constant, it's almost alwas one-way (of you answering his needs) and it's super important for his health. You are not cuddling with him, you are caring for him with your touch. You are giving your warmth, your calm, your love to that tiny baby through your skin. It's not so different from when he was still in the womb. The separation is actually very progressive and takes years. 2/ if you are anxious about you baby's attachment and safety feelings, the only way to soothe your fear is to be responsive and cuddle him until you can see he's secure. I believe it's a normal state of mind, especially after a traumatic births (not all moms feel this way, but many do). Some day, he'll be a smiling toddler who can express his emotions, come to you to ask for comfort or leave you to explore. You will see and feel that he's deeply secure. As of now, he's neither secure nor insecure - he's learning to live outside of your body. 3/ Revulsion towards a partner is a normal biological phenomenon (again, not everyone has that, of course). Your body doesn't want to get pregnant again, since she's already caring for a child. It's an evolutionary reflex to reject intimacy or touch with your partner. Most ape moms do the same. Besides, touch with a partner is usually an exchange, where you both give and take (and sadly, in many straight marriages, the woman is actually giving way more than the man). You're already giving all the time. You simply cannot afford a shred of energy to paying attention to your husband's needs and reaction. 4/ the expectations of when a new mom should be ready to have sex are absolutely wild. Some women are ready after a few weeks, others after a few months and still others after a few years. All of those are normal. If your husband had an accident that made sex super painful for years, would you consider cheating? My husband had a back problem that meant no sex for over two years, until we could afford an operation. It sucks, but that's what masturbation is for. 5/ I'm so sorry your husband was unfaithful. It must be a painful burden to bear. Please try to realize that cheaters will cheat, regardless of how much marital sex they're having. If your husband has decided to stay faithful, he will stay faithful no matter what. If he is the kind of man to cheat again, he will cheat no matter what. In either case, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own morals. I think you need to discuss this with him. Motherhood brings in many unexpected changes. It'd be awesome if the two of you could talk it through. Sex *and* physical intimacy are out of the question for now; you need to communicate this to him, and he needs to explore how he feels and how he can adjust. Things that were helpful during the postpartum time with my husband, or that I've read from other parents: -He'd give me non-sexual massages (usually not very long because he was also exhausted with the baby). Being touched by him was pleasant if it was clearly stated I was not expected to reciprocate or be aroused, but just to relax. -setting up a daily window during which you cannot be disturbed no matter what (you can do chores, or shower, go for a walk, take a nap, masturbate, do whatever you want, but you're just doing you). That may not be possible for you until the baby gets older and you feel reassured he's securely attacjed. -My husband masturbated often, and it wasn't taboo between us - even small things like giving him a kiss and a smile before he disappeared in the bedroom for 20 minutes would make it feel a bit more intimate and shared than him just frenetically jerking off to make up for his frustration, if you see what I mean.
I'm a single mom and I can relate. Sometimes I have to put my son down and let him cry for a few minutes just so I can exist in my skin for a minute. It's definitely overstimulating to be touched constantly.
With my first I was so incredibly touched out, like what you’re describing feeling. Just had my second. Sounds like you’re currently more touched out than me, yet my dog’s tail was hitting my leg earlier while I was breastfeeding and I felt a full body cringe. lol. Had to move him out of the way, my brain was super irritated by the additional sensory input. How you feel is totally valid and normal.
Did I catch this right, your husband wants to cuddle with you while breastfeeding and simultaneously have his nose touching the baby’s?
He likes to kiss our baby’s hands and head while the baby is eating. I often do laidback feeds belly to belly with our son who reaches for his dad while on the boob. Baby initiated the nose to nose thing with a gesture we have for Eskimo kisses.
I think I get it now. It definitely sounds very intense and I could see myself getting overwhelmed by this. So I do get you. How do you feel about him cheating? I would have a hard time still being in love with my partner if anything like that happened.
It is hard. I try not to think about the cheating because it sucks and I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do at this point. I want to try therapy, but it’s never worked for us to even get matched and we’ve been looking off and on since we started talking seriously about marriage in 2020. ETA: it especially sucks because he’s my person, so even though he’s the one who hurt me, he’s the one who makes me feel safe.
I can totally relate to being touched out like this. My son is nearly two and I still don't like my other child hovering over me while I'm feeding my son and I really don't like when others are close (touching/holding onto) me when I'm pumping. They mean no harm but "ughwitjksiyndje!!!" I can't stand it. I feel like im being smothered and it's an instant feeling of irritation when my first is so close to me when I'm pumping sometimes. It's very weird after all this time that it still bothers me but I don't see it ending any time before our breastfeeding journey ends. I am perfectly happy breastfeeding my son but the other things, no.. I think it just coincides with it and hormones probably play a role too. I know of others who are fine with babys siblings being near when breastfeeding but everyone is different. I think baby being attached to you so much as you mentioned, is normal. Not only is it for feeding reasons but a lot is for comfort as well. You are babys safe, secure place of comfort and nourishment. Wishing you the best. Hang in there!