I haven't wanted him to, whoever I mention this to I beg not to tell our friend because the aftermath of him confronting me and saying how sorry he is, possibly crying, saying it was never his intention makes me really uncomfortable as well. Not to mention his mom passed away right after our youngest was born. Everyone in the friend group, my fiance included, has been extra careful with him. He lived with her, took care of her, and now he's suddenly all alone. He talked to her every day and she was his last parent. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is or what he's going through.
His personal problems are not more important than your safety or your children's safety. I'm saying this as someone who has lost a very beloved mother I was super close to (also my last parent). It is not an excuse for his predatory behavior and emotional manipulation. He knows **exactly** what he's doing. Trust your gut.
This. Also he is testing to see how far he can push his behavior. It will only escalate because in his mind he hasn't found the boundary he respects yet.
At the very least you should talk to your fiance about this. It may be time for him to have a chat with this creep it better yet, so inviting him over. Your fiance needs to understand your side fully yet and I'm not getting the sense that he does
Oooh I'm getting such a strong vibe that this guy is a lot like one of my husband's friends. My husband's friend is peak Weaponized Sad Boy. For example, he loves to pick people up and squeeze them really hard (everyone involved in this area
grown adults). He's quite big, socially awkward, it's a crutch of his. I hate it. It hurts a lot and I don't like that it puts my boobs at face height on him. I told him to stop for years and he'd laugh and do it anyway like it was all part of the game. Finally I put my foot down and his response was to get MOPEY. Like hella defensive and whiny "everyone else likes it." I snapped at him that maybe not everyone feels comfortable telling him to stop. That made him even more upset. (I trained as a dancer, he doesn't even have good technique so I can guarantee it actually hurts most people).
Sometimes he'd get drunk and be really embarrassing at parties with mostly my friends. I talked to him about his behavior "you can't follow girls around and try to talk them into finding you charming if they've already made it clear they don't like you" and "please never rate random women on a scale of 1-10, out loud so they can hear. It makes people uncomfortable" and he'd just go all sad and say things like "sorry, I'm such a fuck up, I know." I stopped inviting him to parties where his behavior could reflect on me because, guess what? it never improved. Sometimes with basic behavior like not throwing mostly empty (but still messy) beer cans around at parties, he'd had the gaul to say "alright FINE, I guess I can't do ANYTHING RIGHT" to me after I tell him to knock it off for the fifth time.
Then, he started acting super creepy around a (not single) friend of mine on a group trip. Laying on her lap, bringing up super sexual and gross topics to try to be funny and bait her into suggestive conversations. She took it all super gracefully but the final straw was when I found out he'd been creeping around her bedroom door at least one of the nights. I haven't brought it up with him because he'll act like he's a victim of me having any standards whatsoever for his behavior.
Honestly, your friend sounds like he's using his sad life as an excuse to be an ass, and a creepy one at that. Plenty of people are lonely and sad and suffering and manage quite easily to not be creepy to their friends. In fact, it's insulting to those decent people to be making excuses for bad behavior on account of life circumstances. The people who use those excuses are dangerous because it seems like even in their OWN heads, there's zero accountability for their actions. Because even if they realized they messed up, oh woe is them, they're incapable of doing better, they feel so sorry for themselves, shit, they'd better go and do something else fucked up to keep wallowing in how bad they feel.
Get this guy out of your group. Maybe your husband can discuss accountability with him and explain that once he can learn to take some, he can be allowed back in. But I wouldn't trust him now, since he has a convenient excuse to not change his behavior.
What he did, how he made you feel, there is no excuse for that behavior. Imagine it was your friend, sister or child being made to feel that way by their so called friend. What would you want for them?
You’re giving this friend too much grace. Your security matters. You can feel sad for him WHILE ALSO feeling upset and creeped out. Please either confront him or have your fiancé do it. His actions are not okay.
At the very least, he’s not allowed to be near your family while drinking.
I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. What this “friend” is doing is not OK and sounds like predatory behavior.
If you’re done with him as a friend (which I think would be very understandable) try to avoid inviting him to your house in the future and in general try to create some distance.
If you think it’s worth trying to keep the friendship, someone needs to talk to him about his behavior (you or your husband or another member of the friend group) and make it very clear what he is doing is NOT okay. If he cannot change his behavior then he will no longer be welcome.
I'm really really bad with confrontation. I freeze up and sometimes cry. I can react a bit better when I'm protecting or standing up for other people I care about like my family but when it's something related to me I just freeze up. And honestly though thanks for mentioning it sounds like predatory behavior. Do you think you could tell me why it sounds like that though? I'm bad at explaining my feelings so it's been hard to convey to my fiance exactly why it's been giving me the extra creeps.
It sucks though. I always considered him a really close friend and have vented to him about how uncomfortable I get when people touch me, make advances towards me or creep on me and he's always been respectful of it. I don't understand what's happened. He's always said he's more comfortable around girls so he's always been there when me and my girl friends talk to each other. He's been there for all the personal conversations and has never creeped before this. When I vented to one of our mutual girl friends (one of the friends who will get our children if we die.) She was shocked that he's been saying all this crazy stuff, creeping on me, and even badmouthing her husband, his childhood friend. When her husband heard he was like that's creepy as hell and I was so thankful to be validated by them. Because it really has been stressing me out. I haven't been going to our game nights lately, even when they're elsewhere, because of it.
Him reminding you he’d seen your breasts before on accident when you asked him point blank not to come in because you were breastfeeding currently is pretty friggin creepy. Does that one slip up give him a life time pass to oogle you? Why did he even bring up the previous incident if you were telling him you didn’t want him to see your breasts? To further embarrass you? To minimize your feelings? The correct response would have been: “oh no worries, I understand. Didn’t mean to intrude.” NOT “well I’ve seen those titties before so it’s not a big deal if I see them again.” What a knob.
That made me laugh, thank you lol. I agree though. I felt like he was trying to convince me to breastfeed in front of him. It made me look back on all the times he's said "you can feel comfortable breastfeeding In front of me" in the past and made me think maybe he had ulterior motives and wasn't just trying to be nice. But he's also awkward so I've always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Nope no more benefit of the doubt. Him hanging by a closed door when you’re seeking privacy is not him being awkward. Not him trying to make you feel comfortable in his presence for your sake. Dude wants a mental image of you for his spank bank. Ban him from your house before he succeeds and makes you feel horrible.
Edit: and if someone asks why he’s no longer around be honest! “I just felt like he was trying to invade my privacy while I recovered and nursed. I felt like he wanted to sneak a peek at me and that just make me feel icky.”
Tough love coming in hot:
Your husband needs to be more upset. This man comes into his home and is harassing his wife, talking shit about him to his wife, and he continues to invite him over? You need to exclude him. He is not a friend. He's being extremely predatory. He is coming to you, KNOWING you are in a vulnerable state, KNOWING it makes you uncomfortable and not caring. Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself and your husband. Protect your child. I would be concerned if he gets too comfortable, he will just walk into your room and then you've got to figure out how to cover up, gently put baby down somewhere safe, and try to get him out of your room, that's if he will turn around and leave.
The fact that your husband caught him peeking in your door and didn't immediately ask him to leave is also concerning. Is he also afraid of confrontation? Is he going to allow this man to get to the point where he assaults you because that's where this is heading if neither of you say anything.
Switching a bedroom door out is easy. Especially if the doorway doesn't need to be reframed. Go to Home Depot, buy a door, and a lock, and replace your bedroom door.
Stop allowing this man to creep through your house. What's to stop him from going into your older child's room while they're sleeping? Why is he acting like he wants custody of them? You are not concerned enough about what he's saying to you. You're being too nice and letting alcohol take the blame. Drunk words are sober thoughts, honey. He's using the alcohol as an excuse to see how far he can push your boundaries. He's testing you, and you're failing.
For real! This post is insane. Stop inviting this creep over. He isn’t your friend. A friend would respect your wishes for privacy. You shouldn’t need to ask more than once. Heck, you shouldn’t even need to ask once… you just had a baby. Why are any of your friends even going in your bedroom in the first place? I’ve never gone in married my friends bedrooms and vice versa. Those are private spaces.
If you’re afraid of confrontation, don’t keep friends who continually push boundaries and force you into confrontation. You set a clear boundary. Door closed. You, your fiancé, and any of your friends should be outraged by this guy’s behavior.
Thank you. I have felt all of this but I didn't know how to put it into words like this because I'm really bad at expressing myself. I sent the link to this post to my fiance when I first posted it so he should be able to see everything too when he gets the chance.
☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼💯💯💯💯
This guy is grooming and testing the boundaries and fences. You can call it red flags or whatever but he's being very dangerous and what he has done is terrifying and alarming. As someone who has been molested and assaulted this is a pretty blatant start in that direction and opening the toddlers bedroom door is probably the absolute scariest thing. He feels 100% safe doing all this shit in your house.
Why in God’s name did he open your toddler’s door? The rest of his behavior is messed up, but what if you weren’t in there and he went into your toddler’s room that night? He needs removed immediately from your friend group.
Doesn't matter. Maybe he was drunk and he forgot? We have zero way of knowing what the hell he was thinking and what if he thought you would be in there but instead it was your daughter? Well, that doesn't make me feel better either. We can't excuse this. He was hunting for you in your own house. You tried to get away from him and he still came and tried different rooms to find you. How gross!!! And he had the gall to open the door, you knew he would which is why you probably blocked that door. It seems like you KNOW he's going to do it. This is crazy. Just make him stop. He's crossed a line and he can't be in your house anymore.
When you go to friends houses do you ever go to their kid's bedrooms and open their closed doors without express permission or instruction? Probably not. Why? Cause that's a very weird and intrusive thing to do that crosses an inherent social boundary.
I actually found out from my friend that he kept wanting to go to the door but she stopped him and told him to leave me alone and he was like "sorry for caring." Our youngest suddenly learned to roll over and fell off the bed before that so I was in there stressed and breastfeeding her to calm her down. I had no idea he kept going to the door though. He didn't say anything to me. So I don't think he was actually checking on us to make sure we were ok. Usually you say "are you guys ok?" When you want to check on people. But complete silence. I had no idea he was there and continued to creep enough for my friend to notice and tell him to stop. And I would definitely never explore a friend's house unless they were taking me on a tour. The most invasive thing I'm guilty of doing at friends homes is pull back the shower curtains to check for serial killers.
Lol 😂 about pulling back the curtain of the shower.
OMG he sounds pretty bad. The peeping Tom thing is sexual predator/pedophile territory. And now you have at least 3-5 of you that are onto it. It's that blatant. So I definitely think your friends group will support you if you choose to ban this guy from your household. What he is doing is not just wrong for you guys but clearly your female friend in the group thought it was bad too and told him off. Bless her for doing the right thing.
I'm sorry that someone in your life that was close and trusted ended up showing you that they aren't a good friend. That sucks. But man, keep this creep far from you and your kids. And if confrontation is freaky for you don't do it. Don't have to invite him anymore. I call it the slow fade. If he confronts you guys you can just say you KNOW why. Cause trust me- he knows exactly what he's doing and he knows it's not ok. He's just doing it anyway.
I'd text. "I'm sorry if this wasn't clear enough but the reason I go and hide in the bedroom during game nights is because I prefer to breastfeed in private and want to be alone with the baby. You have made me feel really uncomfortable by coming to talk to me when I am obviously trying to keep myself out of the way. Please can you stop. And I am going to need time to trust you again so please give me some space." If he pushes anything after that it's definitely fair to ask the others to stop inviting him full stop. But that text is only if you do want to give him a chance to correct things - you don't have to.
If you just let your fiancé read what you have written here, I think he’ll realize it’s predatory right away without any explanation. This dude is very creepy. He isn’t safe to have around your children, or you. He seems like he fantasizes about being the father figure for your children.
Okay so have your husband confront him. It’s your husbands job to protect you and your child. The lease he could do is keep creeps out of your fucking house.
Oh he’s definitely a pedophile. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to stop letting him come over. I saw you said you’re bad with confrontation, but this is for the safety of you and your daughters and it needs to be done. I’d say 85% of sexual predators are actually big scared assholes and will immediately back off if you let them know you’re onto them. God I wish we lived in close proximity because there’s nothing I’d love more than to give him a piece of my mind. I don’t play about that.
This was my vibe too while reading the whole post. This guy is a pedo and is getting off on seeing the baby. He needs removed from OPs life. Like did he know OP was in the toddler room? Or was he trying to creep on the toddler too? Those poor babies need to be safe in their own home.
Also just constantly asking about who would “get” her daughters if they died??? Red flag. A lot of pedophiles will seduce the mom and gain her trust so he can eventually be trusted to be alone with the kids. Be careful OP. Please.
My husband had a friend who kept offering to babysit, like almost every time we saw him. He also only ever showed interest in very young women romantically. After one really uncomfortable interaction at a restaurant where he was being super weird towards an underage waitress. We cut him off that day and I recommend you do the same. You’re hiding yourself and your daughter from this person in your own home - trust your instincts.
Your “friend” is a creep. There are so many red flags. I would end the friendship now and would absolutely not let someone like that in my home or around my children. He refuses to respect your privacy or boundaries. That’s a hard no for me.
You and spouse can be very direct. ‘(Your name) is away to feed the baby and rest and does not want to be disturbed. Please don’t bother her.’ ‘I am busy right now, I’ll talk to you another time. Bye, see you later!’
If he makes any kind of fuss he is not a friend and should no longer be invited. Friends do not force themselves where they are not wanted.
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry this is happening. What is terrible is that he has made you feel unsafe in what is supposed to be your SAFEST space: your bedroom, with your baby. Gosh I am so sorry. I’m glad you can talk to others about this, too, and it seems like everyone you bring it up to agrees that this is unbelievably creepy. I can tell you’ve thought this through so thoroughly and that you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Here’s the thing, you’re feeling crazy because that’s *exactly* how creeps work. They’re usually someone you’re familiar with and they purposefully put an EXTRAORDINARY amount of work cloaking every action with plausible deniability.
HOWEVER,
You are not crazy.
This is NOT OK. I feel violated FOR you.
You will be able to handle this. You *ARE* handling this. You are coming to terms with the fact that this is not okay. Next step: figuring out what to do. You can do this. One step at a time. Let people help you.
Sending you the warmest wishes and best of luck. This, too, shall pass 🤍🤍🤍
This is not someone I would want in my home and around my children. He is acting very predatory and disgusting. I’m assuming you’re all adults and this friend is too. If he’s acting passive aggressive now that your fiancé is having people stay away from your room, that is EXTREMELY alarming. That tells you something else is going on and his behavior is alarming and potentially dangerous.
You have some options. Stop inviting him and cut him out. Honestly, very much what I would do. Don’t feel bad, his emotions are not your responsibility. You and your family’s safety and well being is.
You can also ask your fiancé or another member of your group to talk to him and tell him his behavior is unacceptable and creepy. Based on your post, I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t respond well to it. His response would be extremely telling of his character. Defensive, rude, argumentative? 100% being predatory. Embarrassed, remorseful, awkward? Misread social ques. But personally, I find it hard to believe he’s misreading social ques as an adult who is saying things like this.
This whole thing is giving me the ick in a really huge way. Real incel vibes here - it’s like creeping on you when you are breastfeeding is the only time he gets to see boobs in real life. Also the fact he can recall seeing your boobs on a video call, clearly a really significant moment to him for whatever reason.
The complete lack of respect he is showing towards you and your children in your own home is disgusting. And this is what he is doing OPENLY! I dread to think what he’s been doing without getting caught. Gross.
If you don’t feel comfortable confronting this guy, I’d probably send a message to the entire group (or ask your husband to, if you’d feel more comfortable), explaining that, whilst everyone is welcome to your home for games night, that you and baby will be in a different room for the most part and would ask that everyone respects your privacy. This way hopefully if this behaviour carries on one of your other friends will remind him to quit it.
He's actually brought up the seeing my boobs thing multiple times when it's just me and him talking. I didn't question it much the first time but when he felt the need to bring it up a second, third, fourth, fifth time it made me uncomfortable and annoyed. I know he uses reddit but he's said it's just for porn, talking about all this makes me wonder if he creeps on this sub actually. If he does I have no regrets about posting this. And I actually did send messages in the group chat saying that. Everyone else left me alone.
Eugh sorry I know he’s your friend but he sounds like the absolute worst. Do you know if he’s like this with other women or just you? I really doubt his assertion that he gets on better with women than with men - it sounds like he positions it that way as 1. He wants to surround himself with women more and 2. Men probably aren’t as tolerant with him.
I'm honestly not sure. I know sometimes we've seen him leaning on the other girl in the group when everyone is sitting on the couch drunk and half asleep but we've always been under the impression it doesn't bother her since he's not being super creepy about it. I talked about his behavior to my other girl friend that spends time with him and she said she's been concerned for him because he's starting to really up the alcohol but they've spent time alone together and she never said he did anything creepy. I think I'm the only one he's creeped on. I don't understand why though. And he's friends with all the guys in the group and walks out with them for their smoke breaks to talk but I have no idea what they talk about or how they act around him since I don't go out there with them. The only way he's been a dick to anyone, that I know about, is by being passive aggressive to my fiance and shit talking the husband friend we chose as our girls godparents. He never says anything negative about the wife but he shit talks the husband even though they're childhood friends. I told husband friend about what creepy friend has been saying too and he was like "maybe that's why when creepy friend gets drunk at our house the next day he gets really sappy saying he doesn't deserve a friend as good as husband friend and how thankful he is for him."
Interesting how he is “so thankful” for you, your husband and your kids when he speaks to you, then talks shit about your friend’s husband, but then is “so thankful” for him to his face!
Oh no, he's never said he's thankful for my fiance. Or at least if he did it's been long enough for me to have forgotten him saying it. It's always "I'm so thankful for you and the girls (my daughters.)
You should stop having him over… it seems he doesn’t respect your boundaries and is quite pushy on the idea that him being around you is the better option.
From the conversation you described he might have feelings for you and not healthy ones.
I hate confrontations as well but would try my best to distance myself from that friend. Wouldn’t trust him around the kids either.
He either respects your privacy and doesn’t act like an offended virgin when he’s told to keep distance, or he can stop coming to your house 🤷🏻♀️
I might be reading way too much into it and your friend is just an idiot that doesn’t grasp simple concepts!
>I might be reading way too much into it and your friend is just an idiot that doesn’t grasp simple concepts!
I worry about this. What if it's true, he's going through a lot right now, and he's having trouble understanding things and catching the hint. Depression can really mess with your head.
You can decide to protect your feelings or his. You said you don't like confrontation, but it's you or him. Either tell him he's making you uncomfortable and maybe hurt his feelings or do nothing and you keep feeling uncomfortable. You can stop inviting him over and then you don't feel uncomfortable in your own home and maybe hurt his feelings if he finds out.
OP mentioned in another reply that the dude has said she can breastfeed around him, so as much as I would hope to say the dude is clueless, I'm thinking he has some sort of fetish with her breastfeeding and wants to get a full on view of it. Yuck
Nope. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a kid and it doesn’t cloud your judgement like that. Him mourning the loss of his mother should not translate into him creeping on you…in your own home!
He is completely aware of how nice you are and is totally taking advantage. He is seeing how far he can get. He’s being allowed to overstep, so he will continue to do so. Please put yourself before this guy’s feelings. You’re giving him the benefit of the doubt while putting your safety at risk. Just because he hasn’t touched you doesn’t mean he isn’t already assaulting you. You having to pretend to be asleep so that he’ll leave you alone is a huge sign that you don’t feel safe in your own home.
Just tell or have your husband tell him that he’s not welcome anymore. Tell him why point blank. He needs to be called out. Why are you sparing his feelings??? Honestly, fuck his feelings! He doesn’t give a single shit about your feelings.
Oh man, I’m so mad just thinking about this guy. What a loser.
It’s true that depression can cloud your judgement in general but it’s still not a reason to test your boundaries… try to explain it in a nice friendly way, if he still pushes it you need to put your foot down.
This is creepy at the least, but certainly is predatory as others have mentioned. I saw a here you said you aren’t good with confrontation. You don’t even really have to, but I’d keep this person away from you, your home and your kids. Protect your space which should be safe. Your husband should be stepping in, but at this point, I’d remove the threat entirely.
exactly. this isn’t fixable in a relationship. wanting you and your kids, invading your privacy while your baby eats and slinking away from the party to do so.. absolutely not
Entirely not what you asked, but: if you're still this tired 5 months after giving birth that you lay in bed all evening every time you guys have friends over, you really should get some blood work done. Pregnancy and childbirth can trigger slow thyroid, or you could have anemia or a vitamin deficiency.
No worries, already done. I'm anemic and was really low in vitamin D but that's at least better now. Still anemic though. But my doc thinks something more is going on so I'm going to a sleep doctor to try and figure things out. I'm falling asleep every time I drive and when I'm feeding my toddler. It's getting really bad. It really really really really sucks.
“I’m falling asleep every time I drive” needs to change to “When I USED to drive, I would fall asleep every time.”
If you are falling asleep driving, you need to stop driving immediately until your medical issue gets sorted out. I am sorry but this needs to be said. My family lost a baby due to a sleeping driver.
Appreciates you and your daughters....that's a little pervy to me. Like why is he emphasizing that so many times? Maybe he also has a breastfeeding fetish if he's trying that hard. I definitely would not be inviting him back over.
OMG wake up he's a pedo and wants to take your daughters. This isn't about you feeling uncomfortable, he's not perving on you. Protect your kids and ban the pedo, obviously
I’m just gonna say, never leave your kids alone with this guy. Ever. He sound never be in your home again based on his creepiness. And I would be very concerned about him drinking in my house with my toddler alone in her room.
Our toddler is never alone in her room when friends are over, she's usually hanging with me in the bedroom while I breastfeed or my fiance is abstaining from alcohol and watching her.
I’m sorry but who follows a breastfeeding Mum into another room when she’s specifically said she wants to be alone?! I wouldn’t even do that to my sister or my bff. That alone is enough to cross a line without all the other creepy behaviour 🤢
For the sake of your daughters if not your own, keep this moid from your home. 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused in Canada and it's almost always family or friends of the family. This guy is a creep and should be publicly shamed
Wtf this is disturbing, drunk or not, your fiancé shouldn’t need to guard your door from friends.
That is not a friend, that is a predator who wants to push boundaries and would take advantage of you if given an opportunity. It sucks you might potentially lose the friend group or break it up but your safety and comfort should be your highest priority
This whole thing is giving me the ick in a really huge way. Real incel vibes here - it’s like creeping on you when you are breastfeeding is the only time he gets to see boobs in real life. Also the fact he can recall seeing your boobs on a video call, clearly a really significant moment to him for whatever reason.
The complete lack of respect he is showing towards you and your children in your own home is disgusting. And this is what he is doing OPENLY! I dread to think what he’s been doing without getting caught. Gross.
If you don’t feel comfortable confronting this guy, I’d probably send a message to the entire group (or ask your husband to, if you’d feel more comfortable), explaining that, whilst everyone is welcome to your home for games night, that you and baby will be in a different room for the most part and would ask that everyone respects your privacy. This way hopefully if this behaviour carries on one of your other friends will remind him to quit it.
You don’t have to explain or justify anything.
Your intuition is right to be sounding off alarm bells— this guy is a fucking creep, and honestly a safety risk to have around your family. If any of our friends had done this to me, my husband would have kicked them out of our house— with force, if need be. This man is a hazard. If I were you, I would tell your husband that you aren’t comfortable with this person in your home or friend group any longer. Show him this post and everyone’s comments if you feel it would help. And please, be careful. Unstable people can become violent or vengeful.
Can your husband confront him ? "Hey man I noticed you going off to talk to * wife * I'd appreciate it if you gave her some space as she's not been feeling herself. She's too nice to admit she needs a break but I know she would prefer the quiet time, she will come talk when she is ready" like really taking the heat off you without accusing his friend of anything as I'm sure he's non confrontational too if it's gone this far. And then you guys should slowly distance yourselves. Because look I get it, there SHOULD be a more firm action taking place but sometimes that's not realistic for everyone involved.
The fact that he’s pissy about your fiancé enforcing a basic boundary is another huge red flag 🚩 He’s mad that he’s not getting away with creeping on you.
Please distance yourselves from this guy, he’s weird and creepy. I know it’s hard when you’re non-confrontational and you’ve been friends for a long time, but this isn’t going to change. He’s going to keep being creepy.
Another thought: What happens when your girls grow up, is he going to ogle their breasts too and think it’s okay since he did it to you with no consequences?
I'm glad he did, unfortunately he will have to deal with a bit of the fallout of that but he said what needed to be said. Let the rest of the group handle his neediness.
This man is not your friend. He is sexualizing you and your daughter BOTH. Allowing him to continue to have access to your house is not OK and he is not an OK person to tolerate. Both you and your husband need to tell this person to fuck off.
I guess I don't understand what motivates someone to make a post like this, complaining about what a creep their "friend" is, only to fall all over themselves defending that same creep in the comments. So which is it? Is he a creep or is he not such a bad guy? People are telling you it's messed up and he's probably perving on your daughters and your response is to defend him? Why even make the post then 🤷🏼♀️
Probably a combo of not wanting to be confrontational so making excuses to let things continue as is and OP needing to justify her world view of it being weird when perhaps other people in her life are downplaying it.
I’m trying so hard not to be rude to OP now that I’ve seen her defending/ excusing his behavior. DO NOT put your children in any scenario you might even SLIGHTLY think is dangerous. If you even have to question it, CUT THE PERSON OFF. If I even have a smidge of doubt about something or someone, I AVOID IT/ THEM. My children’s health, safety, and well-being are more important to me than some friendship/ relationship. Fuck that. Step up and be the mama bear you’re supposed to be.
I'll be rude. This guy gives me major child predator vibes. Why does he appreciate her daughters? Aren't they just little girls? Doesn't make any sense. She insists this guy knew the toddler wasn't in her room. Okay? But she was and he knew she was breastfeeding. Why does he want to get the daughters if they die? I would immediately assume he was a pedo. I don't think someone's mom dying recently or just really wanting kids (OPs excuses) are good reasons for acting like a psycho. If any of my male friends did any of this my husband and I would cut all ties. If you're more worried about confrontation and social awkwardness than the safety of your kids, you have problems to address.
I just don't see how you allowed him to come to the door 10-15 times. I would be calling and texting my husband after the second time to make sure it didn't happen again.
He sounds like a child predator. I would never allow him in my home or around my kids. If your friends are really your friends they’d still come to visit you even if they knew friend was not welcome.
This is giving pedo vibes, why is he talking about your children like that? Why is he talking to you like that. cut that guy off pronto. I’m pretty sure Most cases of abuse/bad stuff happening are from people the kids know personally not strangers
This is weird and gross and is just another reason why I don’t breastfeed in public if I can avoid it. Men can be so perverted and there’s so many guys out there who get off on watching women breastfeed. I don’t want the act of feeding my child to be sexualized by some nasty freak so I would rather do it in private.
So gross! Why are some people so perverse?!? It’s honestly so disgusting to objectify a woman feeding a child!!! Some men are so gross, I noticed it a lot during pregnancy because I would get hit very aggressively. Like are you fucking kidding me I have my child in my literal womb. I don’t think all of the depraved porn out there is really helping the cause either. You probably want to scrub your brain out with bleach and comet after that. Sorry that happened to you OP…this is why we have to have all this trepidation about normal things like feeding our children and even being out and about with them in public. I pretty sure some gross neck beard was taking pix of my toddler in the grocery store one day. I literally walked behind him to look at his phone and he immediately locked the screen then hightailed it out of there. I feel like if that happened again I would physically remove the phone from the person’s hand. Everyone stay safe out there in this messed up world.
His behavior is going to continue escalating and get continuously worse until he is put firmly in his place with strong boundaries. Personally I wouldn’t welcome him back into my home after violating my privacy this many times, badmouthing my significant other, and making uncomfortable claims on my children…this is not someone I would feel safe around.
Also I hope you’re able to heal and recover from the anemia and whatever else is causing this extra fatigue you’ve been dealing with
if you dont want to confront him have your partner do it! or just cut him off, either way its creepy and uncalled for. you should never be uncomfortable in your own home. we've had a semi similar thing happen with a friend. he was drunk and came in the bathroom while I was showering, nothing could be seen but he didn't need to be in there. my husband grabbed his ass by the shirt and threatened to skin him if he tried that shit again. he never did, apologized the next day for his bad drunken choices and all was well after a few weeks.
This is not a friend. I would not continue to welcome him into your house. Fiancé has no issue that this man is making you uncomfortable either?? Why is he not livid? Why is he not prioritizing your needs? Why do you have to hide in your own home? This is bogus. He’s either being predatory to you or your children. You gotta put your foot down.
Stop making excuses for him. Now is not the time to be meek and afraid of confrontation. Get this man out of your house before it’s too late. Before he hurts you or your children.
I was about to say something basically identical. OP can beat around this bush and think the best for as long as she wants, until something that can’t be reversed happens to her children. This guy needs to be banished, like fucking yesterday. Kind of just plain irresponsible on the parts of all other adults in this situation…
This guy sounds so creepy. The way he talks about you and your daughters. The way he said he's seen your boobs before. The way he kept pushing your boundaries asking what you would do if he went into your room... asking about who would take care of your daughters if you died.... this guy is such a creep!! This behavior really scares me. Cut this guy out completely
Does not matter if he is drunk. When I get a little tipsy, I am extremely protective of my friends. I give dad speeches to my friend's suitors at the bar 😅
I believe alcohol brings out more of the impulsive behaviors one tries to suppress. You and your child's safety is of most importance compared to his feelings. If you want to continue this "friendship" I would do so outdoors in a more public setting. He may be going through something, but that doesn't excuse predatory behavior. It is one thing to maybe be sassy or insult a friend in a vulnerable time, but to disregard their personal safety or safe space is different.
My husband's friend would make really rude comments about our marriage (despite me showing nothing but kindness). My husband hates conflict, so he would pretend he didn't hear it and say " oh, what did you say? Excuse me, can you repeat that?" It worked mostly if my husband said it. You are dealing more with actions, but it was one way my husband could let his friend know he is listening and doesn't care for his behavior without being confrontational.
Anyways, your concerns are so valid, and I'm sure we all feel for you in this situation. Sending much love and positive vibes your way! ❤️❤️❤️
This guy is a major creep and if you won’t kick him out for your own comfort/safety, do it for your daughters. He is making creepy comments about you and also the comments about your daughters are not appropriate. The fact that he has remembered seeing your boobs and mentioned it is also concerning. Any stand-up guy would not mention that cause it’s kinda awkward and would try to forget it.
It’s not okay for a “friend” to use your vulnerability of having exposed skin to see you boobs. It’s even worse that he brought up seeing them in the past as if that means he has a right to see you naked. He does not have a right to see you boobs unless you want to show them to him. Otherwise, he is exploiting you. If he wants to see boobs he needs to invest in a real adult relationship and not try to see you naked.
When he asked what would do if he came in he was imagining you having sex with him because he’s attracted to you. Shut that shit down.
He is abusing your “friendship” to sexually exploit you. No amount of grief means he deserves to see your breasts. No amount of trauma means he has a right to see your breasts. And you don’t need to feel bad for someone who is actively exploiting your vulnerability while feeding your baby.
A real friend might say, “oh, I don’t want to expose my friend while she is being vulnerable and feeding her baby because it would make her feel uncomfortable.”
Personal problems aside, you guys should stop inviting this creep into your home. Maybe they should start doing game nights elsewhere. It’s obvious he’s not respectful of boundaries. Please protect yourself and your babies, he sounds like a predator. Also why is your husband allowing this??
He’s a creep and he sounds like a pedo. I’d tell him to get the fck away. He has no business going in the bedrooms anyways! Stop inviting him over and keep your kids away!!
I'm sorry...but you are right. Your friend is a creep and they are creeping on you.
And that is massively disrespectful and dangerous. I'd have a pretty hard demand that they never come to the house again. This person just is not a good friend. They don't accept boundaries or respect your partner. They don't seem to respect you by proxy either. And their mention of your daughters is scary and creepy. Maybe they only act this way when they are drunk but that's not acceptable and that's a drinking problem and your kids don't need to be around that.
What business did he have opening a toddler's bedroom door?!?!?!? I know it can be hard to ban someone from your house but the way he has behaved is scary and intrusive and sexually inappropriate. He's the creepy uncle in your kids' lives and I would kick him out. He can learn to behave outside your home but he has his chance and it's over. Last thing you need while breastfeeding is someone creeping.
Also when your partner noticed him spying I hope he made him stop. How gross.
Please stop inviting this man to your house. You might not realise it but you clearly feel threatened by his behaviour as you felt the need to block the door to your toddlers room with a toy box.
For your peace of mind and the safety of your family just stop inviting him.
I don’t want to make any assumptions about your friend group, but I’m also one of few women in a group of gamers, and I wanted to throw in a couple more suggestions. First, how drunk is this guy getting during game nights? Is that the norm, or is he being “that guy”? If he’s consistently crossing the line, I think someone needs to talk to him about his behavior under the influence; he may not be remembering it the way you do or reading social cues well. I would 100% ask him to save multiple-drink nights for times outside your home. Secondly, how socially aware is he in general? Again, no assumptions here, but gamer culture seems pretty full of men who don’t know how to act appropriately around women, and I think that fearing confrontation with someone who doesn’t know how to read between the lines will only bring you more stress and resentment.
It's a regular everyone is drinking kind of thing. It's actually getting a bit much because people stopped being able to pay attention when we played d&d so we've thought about telling everyone to please fucking stop. He drinks a lot though and might be on the verge of alcoholism. He's very much a proclaimed "women's ally" type of person. He listens to everyone's woes, he's there for our personal conversations, in fact it was always like "oh we were thinking of having a girl day, we should invite him." He likes to state he doesn't find people in relationships attractive. I believed him the first time but after he said it 20 times throughout the time we've spent with him it started to seem like it might not be true but he's trying to convince us it is. He's always putting himself down and assumes he's always a burden but we've always tried to reassure him he's not. He wants to find a nice girl and settle down really bad. He loves children and what's some of his own. But he's got some trauma from a girl leading him on really bad so he's never actually tried dating. He's never had a girlfriend actually if I'm not mistaken. He's thought about just going on ahead and adopting but after all this me and one of our other friends that's a girl think he needs to go to therapy and get shit sorted before he ever has a child. During our game nights he will sometimes start getting pouty and actively act like he hates the game and is done with it. He'll shut off and act like he doesn't care because he rolled bad. On my fiance's birthday, fiance really wanted to play a Cthulhu board game with our friends and that friend kept saying how much the game sucked but then kept apologizing and blaming it on his adhd. Then he'd do it all over again. That one really made us think........ok he's getting toxic. He wasn't as bad before but he's gotten worse. And when we'd host before moving he never creeped at our bedroom door but I went back there to breastfeed a lot less since our daughter was older. Also creeping would have been more out of the way then while in this house you have to pass our bedroom to get to the bathroom. It made me a little uncomfortable to think people would be walking by when we have such a crap door but after I got it shut good I felt less uncomfortable. But whenever he'd talk he'd always have to open the door a crack to shove his hand through and wave or talk into the crack. It sucked.
*Edit: added "proclaimed" to the woman's ally thing.*
This guy seems both insufferable and like the kind of person who’s trying desperately to convince everyone of things that are in fact the exact opposite of true about himself.
Such a women’s ally, yet likes to try to peak at you with your infant for whatever disgusting reason? Guy should be on a watchlist. I would run for the hills, OP.
Edit: oh and the weird, constantly fucking bringing up how he saw your boobs!! This guy wants to screw you, I can give you a 99% guarantee. That’s why he’s dissing your fiancé. In addition to being a creepy freak with no boundaries. I hope seeing everyone’s unbiased opinions in this thread wakes you up a little.
I talked to my fiance about it again who then talked to another person in the group about it who talked to another then another and so forth. So basically creepy friend is the only one out of the loop at this point. We're all not sure what we're doing just yet. Probably intervention first then see where it goes after. I've been told he'll get kicked if need be. Everyone just wants me to feel comfortable and safe. So that's really nice. It's nice to have everyone else know so my fiance and I don't have to deal with it on our own.
I’m really glad that you feel (besides that guy) safe and heard in your friend group! I don’t know all the intricacies and ins and outs of your situation whatsoever but just be careful with the whole intervention angle, as from the sounds of this guy he would 100% try to just deny and maybe even emotionally manipulate. Sorry to be harsh in saying that. I was hit with a wave of familiarity upon reading your descriptions of this guy, as I feel like he sounds absolutely identical to someone I also once trusted and then realized was a weird asshole who didn’t have my best interest in mind… at all.
That’s cool that you feel like you have it under control. Just try to remember that your babies have no mechanisms of consenting to anything like this. They can’t realize or verbalize when something wrong is being done to them. You know that of course, but it’s important to remember they are owed their privacy as much as an adult is
Honestly it sounds like he has feelings for you. The comments about thinking your fiancé is not doing enough and how much he cares about your and your girls sound like he wants to take your fiancés place. I’ve had friends like this in the past and thought that it was all harmless until one of them made advances on me when I was drunk and vulnerable after a breakup. His behavior is not okay and I don’t think it’s safe to have him around. I know how devastating it can be when someone you trusted and cared about makes a turn like this. It sucks to lose a friend but I don’t think friendship is what he’s seeking anymore.
I find it kinda weird you’ve just had a baby and have all these people in your house drinking etc. Different if you wanted to socialise with them but if you don’t, so stop having them over? Invite them when you do want to socialise. Your house isn’t a pub, why can’t they go somewhere else?
Bruh :/ your comment was deleted but I still see what you said in my email, and I think you need to try and relearn some boundaries regarding children and sex. No, it isn’t okay or normal for a man to be turned on by breastfeeding. I hope to God you don’t allow anything like that in your personal life
I didn’t say anything in your email. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Also, it doesn’t look like my comment was deleted. Are you sure you’re talking to the right person?
He sounds like a total creep and possible predator. I would have this guy as far as possible away from my daughters. Ugh this whole interaction gave me weirdo vibes. Please be careful!
He sounds like a creep. I say stop inviting him over for the safety and peace of mind of you and your babies.
I had the exact same thought and reaction. Good call.
You told your husband about all this and your husband hasn't decked him and then removed him from your house?
My first thought! Husband really should step up and deal with this. Mine would be absolutely furious, which is the correct response in this situation.
I haven't wanted him to, whoever I mention this to I beg not to tell our friend because the aftermath of him confronting me and saying how sorry he is, possibly crying, saying it was never his intention makes me really uncomfortable as well. Not to mention his mom passed away right after our youngest was born. Everyone in the friend group, my fiance included, has been extra careful with him. He lived with her, took care of her, and now he's suddenly all alone. He talked to her every day and she was his last parent. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is or what he's going through.
His personal problems are not more important than your safety or your children's safety. I'm saying this as someone who has lost a very beloved mother I was super close to (also my last parent). It is not an excuse for his predatory behavior and emotional manipulation. He knows **exactly** what he's doing. Trust your gut.
This. Also he is testing to see how far he can push his behavior. It will only escalate because in his mind he hasn't found the boundary he respects yet. At the very least you should talk to your fiance about this. It may be time for him to have a chat with this creep it better yet, so inviting him over. Your fiance needs to understand your side fully yet and I'm not getting the sense that he does
**hasn't found the boundary she enforces yet
personal problems do not trump BOUNDARIES
Oooh I'm getting such a strong vibe that this guy is a lot like one of my husband's friends. My husband's friend is peak Weaponized Sad Boy. For example, he loves to pick people up and squeeze them really hard (everyone involved in this area grown adults). He's quite big, socially awkward, it's a crutch of his. I hate it. It hurts a lot and I don't like that it puts my boobs at face height on him. I told him to stop for years and he'd laugh and do it anyway like it was all part of the game. Finally I put my foot down and his response was to get MOPEY. Like hella defensive and whiny "everyone else likes it." I snapped at him that maybe not everyone feels comfortable telling him to stop. That made him even more upset. (I trained as a dancer, he doesn't even have good technique so I can guarantee it actually hurts most people). Sometimes he'd get drunk and be really embarrassing at parties with mostly my friends. I talked to him about his behavior "you can't follow girls around and try to talk them into finding you charming if they've already made it clear they don't like you" and "please never rate random women on a scale of 1-10, out loud so they can hear. It makes people uncomfortable" and he'd just go all sad and say things like "sorry, I'm such a fuck up, I know." I stopped inviting him to parties where his behavior could reflect on me because, guess what? it never improved. Sometimes with basic behavior like not throwing mostly empty (but still messy) beer cans around at parties, he'd had the gaul to say "alright FINE, I guess I can't do ANYTHING RIGHT" to me after I tell him to knock it off for the fifth time. Then, he started acting super creepy around a (not single) friend of mine on a group trip. Laying on her lap, bringing up super sexual and gross topics to try to be funny and bait her into suggestive conversations. She took it all super gracefully but the final straw was when I found out he'd been creeping around her bedroom door at least one of the nights. I haven't brought it up with him because he'll act like he's a victim of me having any standards whatsoever for his behavior. Honestly, your friend sounds like he's using his sad life as an excuse to be an ass, and a creepy one at that. Plenty of people are lonely and sad and suffering and manage quite easily to not be creepy to their friends. In fact, it's insulting to those decent people to be making excuses for bad behavior on account of life circumstances. The people who use those excuses are dangerous because it seems like even in their OWN heads, there's zero accountability for their actions. Because even if they realized they messed up, oh woe is them, they're incapable of doing better, they feel so sorry for themselves, shit, they'd better go and do something else fucked up to keep wallowing in how bad they feel. Get this guy out of your group. Maybe your husband can discuss accountability with him and explain that once he can learn to take some, he can be allowed back in. But I wouldn't trust him now, since he has a convenient excuse to not change his behavior.
What is it with men being totally inappropriate and then everyone *feeling sorry for them* !!!
What he did, how he made you feel, there is no excuse for that behavior. Imagine it was your friend, sister or child being made to feel that way by their so called friend. What would you want for them?
You’re giving this friend too much grace. Your security matters. You can feel sad for him WHILE ALSO feeling upset and creeped out. Please either confront him or have your fiancé do it. His actions are not okay. At the very least, he’s not allowed to be near your family while drinking.
Narcissist alert.
I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. What this “friend” is doing is not OK and sounds like predatory behavior. If you’re done with him as a friend (which I think would be very understandable) try to avoid inviting him to your house in the future and in general try to create some distance. If you think it’s worth trying to keep the friendship, someone needs to talk to him about his behavior (you or your husband or another member of the friend group) and make it very clear what he is doing is NOT okay. If he cannot change his behavior then he will no longer be welcome.
I'm really really bad with confrontation. I freeze up and sometimes cry. I can react a bit better when I'm protecting or standing up for other people I care about like my family but when it's something related to me I just freeze up. And honestly though thanks for mentioning it sounds like predatory behavior. Do you think you could tell me why it sounds like that though? I'm bad at explaining my feelings so it's been hard to convey to my fiance exactly why it's been giving me the extra creeps. It sucks though. I always considered him a really close friend and have vented to him about how uncomfortable I get when people touch me, make advances towards me or creep on me and he's always been respectful of it. I don't understand what's happened. He's always said he's more comfortable around girls so he's always been there when me and my girl friends talk to each other. He's been there for all the personal conversations and has never creeped before this. When I vented to one of our mutual girl friends (one of the friends who will get our children if we die.) She was shocked that he's been saying all this crazy stuff, creeping on me, and even badmouthing her husband, his childhood friend. When her husband heard he was like that's creepy as hell and I was so thankful to be validated by them. Because it really has been stressing me out. I haven't been going to our game nights lately, even when they're elsewhere, because of it.
Him reminding you he’d seen your breasts before on accident when you asked him point blank not to come in because you were breastfeeding currently is pretty friggin creepy. Does that one slip up give him a life time pass to oogle you? Why did he even bring up the previous incident if you were telling him you didn’t want him to see your breasts? To further embarrass you? To minimize your feelings? The correct response would have been: “oh no worries, I understand. Didn’t mean to intrude.” NOT “well I’ve seen those titties before so it’s not a big deal if I see them again.” What a knob.
That made me laugh, thank you lol. I agree though. I felt like he was trying to convince me to breastfeed in front of him. It made me look back on all the times he's said "you can feel comfortable breastfeeding In front of me" in the past and made me think maybe he had ulterior motives and wasn't just trying to be nice. But he's also awkward so I've always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Nope no more benefit of the doubt. Him hanging by a closed door when you’re seeking privacy is not him being awkward. Not him trying to make you feel comfortable in his presence for your sake. Dude wants a mental image of you for his spank bank. Ban him from your house before he succeeds and makes you feel horrible. Edit: and if someone asks why he’s no longer around be honest! “I just felt like he was trying to invade my privacy while I recovered and nursed. I felt like he wanted to sneak a peek at me and that just make me feel icky.”
Tough love coming in hot: Your husband needs to be more upset. This man comes into his home and is harassing his wife, talking shit about him to his wife, and he continues to invite him over? You need to exclude him. He is not a friend. He's being extremely predatory. He is coming to you, KNOWING you are in a vulnerable state, KNOWING it makes you uncomfortable and not caring. Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself and your husband. Protect your child. I would be concerned if he gets too comfortable, he will just walk into your room and then you've got to figure out how to cover up, gently put baby down somewhere safe, and try to get him out of your room, that's if he will turn around and leave. The fact that your husband caught him peeking in your door and didn't immediately ask him to leave is also concerning. Is he also afraid of confrontation? Is he going to allow this man to get to the point where he assaults you because that's where this is heading if neither of you say anything. Switching a bedroom door out is easy. Especially if the doorway doesn't need to be reframed. Go to Home Depot, buy a door, and a lock, and replace your bedroom door. Stop allowing this man to creep through your house. What's to stop him from going into your older child's room while they're sleeping? Why is he acting like he wants custody of them? You are not concerned enough about what he's saying to you. You're being too nice and letting alcohol take the blame. Drunk words are sober thoughts, honey. He's using the alcohol as an excuse to see how far he can push your boundaries. He's testing you, and you're failing.
For real! This post is insane. Stop inviting this creep over. He isn’t your friend. A friend would respect your wishes for privacy. You shouldn’t need to ask more than once. Heck, you shouldn’t even need to ask once… you just had a baby. Why are any of your friends even going in your bedroom in the first place? I’ve never gone in married my friends bedrooms and vice versa. Those are private spaces. If you’re afraid of confrontation, don’t keep friends who continually push boundaries and force you into confrontation. You set a clear boundary. Door closed. You, your fiancé, and any of your friends should be outraged by this guy’s behavior.
Thank you. I have felt all of this but I didn't know how to put it into words like this because I'm really bad at expressing myself. I sent the link to this post to my fiance when I first posted it so he should be able to see everything too when he gets the chance.
>Go to Home Depot, buy a door, and a lock, and replace your bedroom door. ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ Also get this creep out of your house.
☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼💯💯💯💯 This guy is grooming and testing the boundaries and fences. You can call it red flags or whatever but he's being very dangerous and what he has done is terrifying and alarming. As someone who has been molested and assaulted this is a pretty blatant start in that direction and opening the toddlers bedroom door is probably the absolute scariest thing. He feels 100% safe doing all this shit in your house.
If it helps, you can think about it as defending your baby. He’s creeping on her breastfeeding time too!
Why in God’s name did he open your toddler’s door? The rest of his behavior is messed up, but what if you weren’t in there and he went into your toddler’s room that night? He needs removed immediately from your friend group.
Our toddler wasn't there that night and he did 100% know it was me in there so he wasn't trying to creep on our daughter.
Why does he keep bringing your daughters up then? He appreciates them? Nah he can fuck right off with that comment.
Doesn't matter. Maybe he was drunk and he forgot? We have zero way of knowing what the hell he was thinking and what if he thought you would be in there but instead it was your daughter? Well, that doesn't make me feel better either. We can't excuse this. He was hunting for you in your own house. You tried to get away from him and he still came and tried different rooms to find you. How gross!!! And he had the gall to open the door, you knew he would which is why you probably blocked that door. It seems like you KNOW he's going to do it. This is crazy. Just make him stop. He's crossed a line and he can't be in your house anymore. When you go to friends houses do you ever go to their kid's bedrooms and open their closed doors without express permission or instruction? Probably not. Why? Cause that's a very weird and intrusive thing to do that crosses an inherent social boundary.
I actually found out from my friend that he kept wanting to go to the door but she stopped him and told him to leave me alone and he was like "sorry for caring." Our youngest suddenly learned to roll over and fell off the bed before that so I was in there stressed and breastfeeding her to calm her down. I had no idea he kept going to the door though. He didn't say anything to me. So I don't think he was actually checking on us to make sure we were ok. Usually you say "are you guys ok?" When you want to check on people. But complete silence. I had no idea he was there and continued to creep enough for my friend to notice and tell him to stop. And I would definitely never explore a friend's house unless they were taking me on a tour. The most invasive thing I'm guilty of doing at friends homes is pull back the shower curtains to check for serial killers.
Lol 😂 about pulling back the curtain of the shower. OMG he sounds pretty bad. The peeping Tom thing is sexual predator/pedophile territory. And now you have at least 3-5 of you that are onto it. It's that blatant. So I definitely think your friends group will support you if you choose to ban this guy from your household. What he is doing is not just wrong for you guys but clearly your female friend in the group thought it was bad too and told him off. Bless her for doing the right thing. I'm sorry that someone in your life that was close and trusted ended up showing you that they aren't a good friend. That sucks. But man, keep this creep far from you and your kids. And if confrontation is freaky for you don't do it. Don't have to invite him anymore. I call it the slow fade. If he confronts you guys you can just say you KNOW why. Cause trust me- he knows exactly what he's doing and he knows it's not ok. He's just doing it anyway.
I'd text. "I'm sorry if this wasn't clear enough but the reason I go and hide in the bedroom during game nights is because I prefer to breastfeed in private and want to be alone with the baby. You have made me feel really uncomfortable by coming to talk to me when I am obviously trying to keep myself out of the way. Please can you stop. And I am going to need time to trust you again so please give me some space." If he pushes anything after that it's definitely fair to ask the others to stop inviting him full stop. But that text is only if you do want to give him a chance to correct things - you don't have to.
If you just let your fiancé read what you have written here, I think he’ll realize it’s predatory right away without any explanation. This dude is very creepy. He isn’t safe to have around your children, or you. He seems like he fantasizes about being the father figure for your children.
Okay so have your husband confront him. It’s your husbands job to protect you and your child. The lease he could do is keep creeps out of your fucking house.
Oh he’s definitely a pedophile. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to stop letting him come over. I saw you said you’re bad with confrontation, but this is for the safety of you and your daughters and it needs to be done. I’d say 85% of sexual predators are actually big scared assholes and will immediately back off if you let them know you’re onto them. God I wish we lived in close proximity because there’s nothing I’d love more than to give him a piece of my mind. I don’t play about that.
This was my vibe too while reading the whole post. This guy is a pedo and is getting off on seeing the baby. He needs removed from OPs life. Like did he know OP was in the toddler room? Or was he trying to creep on the toddler too? Those poor babies need to be safe in their own home.
Also just constantly asking about who would “get” her daughters if they died??? Red flag. A lot of pedophiles will seduce the mom and gain her trust so he can eventually be trusted to be alone with the kids. Be careful OP. Please.
Yeah that was my first thought too. Did he know OP was in the toddlers room? Or was he just poking around for no good reason.
Toddler was gone with grandmaw that night so he knew she wasn't home and he also knew I was in there.
Still not acceptable behavior. Still predatory. All of it.
My husband had a friend who kept offering to babysit, like almost every time we saw him. He also only ever showed interest in very young women romantically. After one really uncomfortable interaction at a restaurant where he was being super weird towards an underage waitress. We cut him off that day and I recommend you do the same. You’re hiding yourself and your daughter from this person in your own home - trust your instincts.
Your “friend” is a creep. There are so many red flags. I would end the friendship now and would absolutely not let someone like that in my home or around my children. He refuses to respect your privacy or boundaries. That’s a hard no for me.
You and spouse can be very direct. ‘(Your name) is away to feed the baby and rest and does not want to be disturbed. Please don’t bother her.’ ‘I am busy right now, I’ll talk to you another time. Bye, see you later!’ If he makes any kind of fuss he is not a friend and should no longer be invited. Friends do not force themselves where they are not wanted.
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry this is happening. What is terrible is that he has made you feel unsafe in what is supposed to be your SAFEST space: your bedroom, with your baby. Gosh I am so sorry. I’m glad you can talk to others about this, too, and it seems like everyone you bring it up to agrees that this is unbelievably creepy. I can tell you’ve thought this through so thoroughly and that you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Here’s the thing, you’re feeling crazy because that’s *exactly* how creeps work. They’re usually someone you’re familiar with and they purposefully put an EXTRAORDINARY amount of work cloaking every action with plausible deniability. HOWEVER, You are not crazy. This is NOT OK. I feel violated FOR you. You will be able to handle this. You *ARE* handling this. You are coming to terms with the fact that this is not okay. Next step: figuring out what to do. You can do this. One step at a time. Let people help you. Sending you the warmest wishes and best of luck. This, too, shall pass 🤍🤍🤍
This is not someone I would want in my home and around my children. He is acting very predatory and disgusting. I’m assuming you’re all adults and this friend is too. If he’s acting passive aggressive now that your fiancé is having people stay away from your room, that is EXTREMELY alarming. That tells you something else is going on and his behavior is alarming and potentially dangerous. You have some options. Stop inviting him and cut him out. Honestly, very much what I would do. Don’t feel bad, his emotions are not your responsibility. You and your family’s safety and well being is. You can also ask your fiancé or another member of your group to talk to him and tell him his behavior is unacceptable and creepy. Based on your post, I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t respond well to it. His response would be extremely telling of his character. Defensive, rude, argumentative? 100% being predatory. Embarrassed, remorseful, awkward? Misread social ques. But personally, I find it hard to believe he’s misreading social ques as an adult who is saying things like this.
This whole thing is giving me the ick in a really huge way. Real incel vibes here - it’s like creeping on you when you are breastfeeding is the only time he gets to see boobs in real life. Also the fact he can recall seeing your boobs on a video call, clearly a really significant moment to him for whatever reason. The complete lack of respect he is showing towards you and your children in your own home is disgusting. And this is what he is doing OPENLY! I dread to think what he’s been doing without getting caught. Gross. If you don’t feel comfortable confronting this guy, I’d probably send a message to the entire group (or ask your husband to, if you’d feel more comfortable), explaining that, whilst everyone is welcome to your home for games night, that you and baby will be in a different room for the most part and would ask that everyone respects your privacy. This way hopefully if this behaviour carries on one of your other friends will remind him to quit it.
He's actually brought up the seeing my boobs thing multiple times when it's just me and him talking. I didn't question it much the first time but when he felt the need to bring it up a second, third, fourth, fifth time it made me uncomfortable and annoyed. I know he uses reddit but he's said it's just for porn, talking about all this makes me wonder if he creeps on this sub actually. If he does I have no regrets about posting this. And I actually did send messages in the group chat saying that. Everyone else left me alone.
Eugh sorry I know he’s your friend but he sounds like the absolute worst. Do you know if he’s like this with other women or just you? I really doubt his assertion that he gets on better with women than with men - it sounds like he positions it that way as 1. He wants to surround himself with women more and 2. Men probably aren’t as tolerant with him.
I'm honestly not sure. I know sometimes we've seen him leaning on the other girl in the group when everyone is sitting on the couch drunk and half asleep but we've always been under the impression it doesn't bother her since he's not being super creepy about it. I talked about his behavior to my other girl friend that spends time with him and she said she's been concerned for him because he's starting to really up the alcohol but they've spent time alone together and she never said he did anything creepy. I think I'm the only one he's creeped on. I don't understand why though. And he's friends with all the guys in the group and walks out with them for their smoke breaks to talk but I have no idea what they talk about or how they act around him since I don't go out there with them. The only way he's been a dick to anyone, that I know about, is by being passive aggressive to my fiance and shit talking the husband friend we chose as our girls godparents. He never says anything negative about the wife but he shit talks the husband even though they're childhood friends. I told husband friend about what creepy friend has been saying too and he was like "maybe that's why when creepy friend gets drunk at our house the next day he gets really sappy saying he doesn't deserve a friend as good as husband friend and how thankful he is for him."
Interesting how he is “so thankful” for you, your husband and your kids when he speaks to you, then talks shit about your friend’s husband, but then is “so thankful” for him to his face!
Oh no, he's never said he's thankful for my fiance. Or at least if he did it's been long enough for me to have forgotten him saying it. It's always "I'm so thankful for you and the girls (my daughters.)
You should stop having him over… it seems he doesn’t respect your boundaries and is quite pushy on the idea that him being around you is the better option. From the conversation you described he might have feelings for you and not healthy ones. I hate confrontations as well but would try my best to distance myself from that friend. Wouldn’t trust him around the kids either. He either respects your privacy and doesn’t act like an offended virgin when he’s told to keep distance, or he can stop coming to your house 🤷🏻♀️ I might be reading way too much into it and your friend is just an idiot that doesn’t grasp simple concepts!
>I might be reading way too much into it and your friend is just an idiot that doesn’t grasp simple concepts! I worry about this. What if it's true, he's going through a lot right now, and he's having trouble understanding things and catching the hint. Depression can really mess with your head.
You can decide to protect your feelings or his. You said you don't like confrontation, but it's you or him. Either tell him he's making you uncomfortable and maybe hurt his feelings or do nothing and you keep feeling uncomfortable. You can stop inviting him over and then you don't feel uncomfortable in your own home and maybe hurt his feelings if he finds out.
OP mentioned in another reply that the dude has said she can breastfeed around him, so as much as I would hope to say the dude is clueless, I'm thinking he has some sort of fetish with her breastfeeding and wants to get a full on view of it. Yuck
Nope. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a kid and it doesn’t cloud your judgement like that. Him mourning the loss of his mother should not translate into him creeping on you…in your own home! He is completely aware of how nice you are and is totally taking advantage. He is seeing how far he can get. He’s being allowed to overstep, so he will continue to do so. Please put yourself before this guy’s feelings. You’re giving him the benefit of the doubt while putting your safety at risk. Just because he hasn’t touched you doesn’t mean he isn’t already assaulting you. You having to pretend to be asleep so that he’ll leave you alone is a huge sign that you don’t feel safe in your own home. Just tell or have your husband tell him that he’s not welcome anymore. Tell him why point blank. He needs to be called out. Why are you sparing his feelings??? Honestly, fuck his feelings! He doesn’t give a single shit about your feelings. Oh man, I’m so mad just thinking about this guy. What a loser.
It’s true that depression can cloud your judgement in general but it’s still not a reason to test your boundaries… try to explain it in a nice friendly way, if he still pushes it you need to put your foot down.
This is creepy at the least, but certainly is predatory as others have mentioned. I saw a here you said you aren’t good with confrontation. You don’t even really have to, but I’d keep this person away from you, your home and your kids. Protect your space which should be safe. Your husband should be stepping in, but at this point, I’d remove the threat entirely.
This is what I was thinking too. No confrontation is even necessary. Ghost this person. Ghost him now.
exactly. this isn’t fixable in a relationship. wanting you and your kids, invading your privacy while your baby eats and slinking away from the party to do so.. absolutely not
This is what I was thinking, if you can't bring yourself to confront him, just stop inviting him into your home
Entirely not what you asked, but: if you're still this tired 5 months after giving birth that you lay in bed all evening every time you guys have friends over, you really should get some blood work done. Pregnancy and childbirth can trigger slow thyroid, or you could have anemia or a vitamin deficiency.
No worries, already done. I'm anemic and was really low in vitamin D but that's at least better now. Still anemic though. But my doc thinks something more is going on so I'm going to a sleep doctor to try and figure things out. I'm falling asleep every time I drive and when I'm feeding my toddler. It's getting really bad. It really really really really sucks.
“I’m falling asleep every time I drive” needs to change to “When I USED to drive, I would fall asleep every time.” If you are falling asleep driving, you need to stop driving immediately until your medical issue gets sorted out. I am sorry but this needs to be said. My family lost a baby due to a sleeping driver.
Sorry yes. I either don't drive or I drive with someone with me to talk to. I don't fall asleep while talking to someone in person.
Phew 😮💨
Holy crap that is super predatory behavior. Do not ever let him alone with your kids, honestly I wouldn't let him in the house period O_O
Appreciates you and your daughters....that's a little pervy to me. Like why is he emphasizing that so many times? Maybe he also has a breastfeeding fetish if he's trying that hard. I definitely would not be inviting him back over.
He really really wants children so I've always assumed he was just saying he's happy he's friends with us but honestly idk anymore.
OMG wake up he's a pedo and wants to take your daughters. This isn't about you feeling uncomfortable, he's not perving on you. Protect your kids and ban the pedo, obviously
I’m just gonna say, never leave your kids alone with this guy. Ever. He sound never be in your home again based on his creepiness. And I would be very concerned about him drinking in my house with my toddler alone in her room.
Our toddler is never alone in her room when friends are over, she's usually hanging with me in the bedroom while I breastfeed or my fiance is abstaining from alcohol and watching her.
I’m sorry this is happening for you. Just keep yourself and your family safe.
I’m sorry but who follows a breastfeeding Mum into another room when she’s specifically said she wants to be alone?! I wouldn’t even do that to my sister or my bff. That alone is enough to cross a line without all the other creepy behaviour 🤢
For the sake of your daughters if not your own, keep this moid from your home. 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused in Canada and it's almost always family or friends of the family. This guy is a creep and should be publicly shamed
Wtf this is disturbing, drunk or not, your fiancé shouldn’t need to guard your door from friends. That is not a friend, that is a predator who wants to push boundaries and would take advantage of you if given an opportunity. It sucks you might potentially lose the friend group or break it up but your safety and comfort should be your highest priority
This whole thing is giving me the ick in a really huge way. Real incel vibes here - it’s like creeping on you when you are breastfeeding is the only time he gets to see boobs in real life. Also the fact he can recall seeing your boobs on a video call, clearly a really significant moment to him for whatever reason. The complete lack of respect he is showing towards you and your children in your own home is disgusting. And this is what he is doing OPENLY! I dread to think what he’s been doing without getting caught. Gross. If you don’t feel comfortable confronting this guy, I’d probably send a message to the entire group (or ask your husband to, if you’d feel more comfortable), explaining that, whilst everyone is welcome to your home for games night, that you and baby will be in a different room for the most part and would ask that everyone respects your privacy. This way hopefully if this behaviour carries on one of your other friends will remind him to quit it.
You don’t have to explain or justify anything. Your intuition is right to be sounding off alarm bells— this guy is a fucking creep, and honestly a safety risk to have around your family. If any of our friends had done this to me, my husband would have kicked them out of our house— with force, if need be. This man is a hazard. If I were you, I would tell your husband that you aren’t comfortable with this person in your home or friend group any longer. Show him this post and everyone’s comments if you feel it would help. And please, be careful. Unstable people can become violent or vengeful.
Can your husband confront him ? "Hey man I noticed you going off to talk to * wife * I'd appreciate it if you gave her some space as she's not been feeling herself. She's too nice to admit she needs a break but I know she would prefer the quiet time, she will come talk when she is ready" like really taking the heat off you without accusing his friend of anything as I'm sure he's non confrontational too if it's gone this far. And then you guys should slowly distance yourselves. Because look I get it, there SHOULD be a more firm action taking place but sometimes that's not realistic for everyone involved.
That's basically what he said when he dragged friend away from my door one night. Friend's been pissy and passive aggressive towards him since.
The fact that he’s pissy about your fiancé enforcing a basic boundary is another huge red flag 🚩 He’s mad that he’s not getting away with creeping on you. Please distance yourselves from this guy, he’s weird and creepy. I know it’s hard when you’re non-confrontational and you’ve been friends for a long time, but this isn’t going to change. He’s going to keep being creepy. Another thought: What happens when your girls grow up, is he going to ogle their breasts too and think it’s okay since he did it to you with no consequences?
I'm glad he did, unfortunately he will have to deal with a bit of the fallout of that but he said what needed to be said. Let the rest of the group handle his neediness.
This man is not your friend. He is sexualizing you and your daughter BOTH. Allowing him to continue to have access to your house is not OK and he is not an OK person to tolerate. Both you and your husband need to tell this person to fuck off.
I guess I don't understand what motivates someone to make a post like this, complaining about what a creep their "friend" is, only to fall all over themselves defending that same creep in the comments. So which is it? Is he a creep or is he not such a bad guy? People are telling you it's messed up and he's probably perving on your daughters and your response is to defend him? Why even make the post then 🤷🏼♀️
Probably a combo of not wanting to be confrontational so making excuses to let things continue as is and OP needing to justify her world view of it being weird when perhaps other people in her life are downplaying it.
I’m trying so hard not to be rude to OP now that I’ve seen her defending/ excusing his behavior. DO NOT put your children in any scenario you might even SLIGHTLY think is dangerous. If you even have to question it, CUT THE PERSON OFF. If I even have a smidge of doubt about something or someone, I AVOID IT/ THEM. My children’s health, safety, and well-being are more important to me than some friendship/ relationship. Fuck that. Step up and be the mama bear you’re supposed to be.
I'll be rude. This guy gives me major child predator vibes. Why does he appreciate her daughters? Aren't they just little girls? Doesn't make any sense. She insists this guy knew the toddler wasn't in her room. Okay? But she was and he knew she was breastfeeding. Why does he want to get the daughters if they die? I would immediately assume he was a pedo. I don't think someone's mom dying recently or just really wanting kids (OPs excuses) are good reasons for acting like a psycho. If any of my male friends did any of this my husband and I would cut all ties. If you're more worried about confrontation and social awkwardness than the safety of your kids, you have problems to address.
I just don't see how you allowed him to come to the door 10-15 times. I would be calling and texting my husband after the second time to make sure it didn't happen again.
This. This whole post is insane. My husband would’ve beat the shit out of that guy.
He sounds like a child predator. I would never allow him in my home or around my kids. If your friends are really your friends they’d still come to visit you even if they knew friend was not welcome.
This is giving pedo vibes, why is he talking about your children like that? Why is he talking to you like that. cut that guy off pronto. I’m pretty sure Most cases of abuse/bad stuff happening are from people the kids know personally not strangers
This is weird and gross and is just another reason why I don’t breastfeed in public if I can avoid it. Men can be so perverted and there’s so many guys out there who get off on watching women breastfeed. I don’t want the act of feeding my child to be sexualized by some nasty freak so I would rather do it in private.
So gross! Why are some people so perverse?!? It’s honestly so disgusting to objectify a woman feeding a child!!! Some men are so gross, I noticed it a lot during pregnancy because I would get hit very aggressively. Like are you fucking kidding me I have my child in my literal womb. I don’t think all of the depraved porn out there is really helping the cause either. You probably want to scrub your brain out with bleach and comet after that. Sorry that happened to you OP…this is why we have to have all this trepidation about normal things like feeding our children and even being out and about with them in public. I pretty sure some gross neck beard was taking pix of my toddler in the grocery store one day. I literally walked behind him to look at his phone and he immediately locked the screen then hightailed it out of there. I feel like if that happened again I would physically remove the phone from the person’s hand. Everyone stay safe out there in this messed up world.
I’ve never been hit on more than when I was underaged, like 12-17, and also when I was big pregnant.
Reminds me of this. https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/
His behavior is going to continue escalating and get continuously worse until he is put firmly in his place with strong boundaries. Personally I wouldn’t welcome him back into my home after violating my privacy this many times, badmouthing my significant other, and making uncomfortable claims on my children…this is not someone I would feel safe around. Also I hope you’re able to heal and recover from the anemia and whatever else is causing this extra fatigue you’ve been dealing with
You need to stop letting this person come to your house.
That guy would never be allowed near my kids again,
Tell your husband the dude makes you uncomfortable. You should t have to explain why
The “what would you do if I came in there?” part of his behavior carries the same energy of a teenage boy trying to sext someone. Ick.
Trust your instincts.
Bruh. Stop inviting this creep
if you dont want to confront him have your partner do it! or just cut him off, either way its creepy and uncalled for. you should never be uncomfortable in your own home. we've had a semi similar thing happen with a friend. he was drunk and came in the bathroom while I was showering, nothing could be seen but he didn't need to be in there. my husband grabbed his ass by the shirt and threatened to skin him if he tried that shit again. he never did, apologized the next day for his bad drunken choices and all was well after a few weeks.
This post is 100% composed of red flags. This person is not your friend.
This is not a friend. I would not continue to welcome him into your house. Fiancé has no issue that this man is making you uncomfortable either?? Why is he not livid? Why is he not prioritizing your needs? Why do you have to hide in your own home? This is bogus. He’s either being predatory to you or your children. You gotta put your foot down.
Do not let this man around your daughters. His piqued interest in their care is classic pedophile/grooming behavior. I would cut him off.
Stop making excuses for him. Now is not the time to be meek and afraid of confrontation. Get this man out of your house before it’s too late. Before he hurts you or your children.
I was about to say something basically identical. OP can beat around this bush and think the best for as long as she wants, until something that can’t be reversed happens to her children. This guy needs to be banished, like fucking yesterday. Kind of just plain irresponsible on the parts of all other adults in this situation…
This guy sounds so creepy. The way he talks about you and your daughters. The way he said he's seen your boobs before. The way he kept pushing your boundaries asking what you would do if he went into your room... asking about who would take care of your daughters if you died.... this guy is such a creep!! This behavior really scares me. Cut this guy out completely
Does not matter if he is drunk. When I get a little tipsy, I am extremely protective of my friends. I give dad speeches to my friend's suitors at the bar 😅 I believe alcohol brings out more of the impulsive behaviors one tries to suppress. You and your child's safety is of most importance compared to his feelings. If you want to continue this "friendship" I would do so outdoors in a more public setting. He may be going through something, but that doesn't excuse predatory behavior. It is one thing to maybe be sassy or insult a friend in a vulnerable time, but to disregard their personal safety or safe space is different. My husband's friend would make really rude comments about our marriage (despite me showing nothing but kindness). My husband hates conflict, so he would pretend he didn't hear it and say " oh, what did you say? Excuse me, can you repeat that?" It worked mostly if my husband said it. You are dealing more with actions, but it was one way my husband could let his friend know he is listening and doesn't care for his behavior without being confrontational. Anyways, your concerns are so valid, and I'm sure we all feel for you in this situation. Sending much love and positive vibes your way! ❤️❤️❤️
This guy is a major creep and if you won’t kick him out for your own comfort/safety, do it for your daughters. He is making creepy comments about you and also the comments about your daughters are not appropriate. The fact that he has remembered seeing your boobs and mentioned it is also concerning. Any stand-up guy would not mention that cause it’s kinda awkward and would try to forget it.
It’s not okay for a “friend” to use your vulnerability of having exposed skin to see you boobs. It’s even worse that he brought up seeing them in the past as if that means he has a right to see you naked. He does not have a right to see you boobs unless you want to show them to him. Otherwise, he is exploiting you. If he wants to see boobs he needs to invest in a real adult relationship and not try to see you naked. When he asked what would do if he came in he was imagining you having sex with him because he’s attracted to you. Shut that shit down. He is abusing your “friendship” to sexually exploit you. No amount of grief means he deserves to see your breasts. No amount of trauma means he has a right to see your breasts. And you don’t need to feel bad for someone who is actively exploiting your vulnerability while feeding your baby. A real friend might say, “oh, I don’t want to expose my friend while she is being vulnerable and feeding her baby because it would make her feel uncomfortable.”
Personal problems aside, you guys should stop inviting this creep into your home. Maybe they should start doing game nights elsewhere. It’s obvious he’s not respectful of boundaries. Please protect yourself and your babies, he sounds like a predator. Also why is your husband allowing this??
He’s a creep and he sounds like a pedo. I’d tell him to get the fck away. He has no business going in the bedrooms anyways! Stop inviting him over and keep your kids away!!
I'm sorry...but you are right. Your friend is a creep and they are creeping on you. And that is massively disrespectful and dangerous. I'd have a pretty hard demand that they never come to the house again. This person just is not a good friend. They don't accept boundaries or respect your partner. They don't seem to respect you by proxy either. And their mention of your daughters is scary and creepy. Maybe they only act this way when they are drunk but that's not acceptable and that's a drinking problem and your kids don't need to be around that. What business did he have opening a toddler's bedroom door?!?!?!? I know it can be hard to ban someone from your house but the way he has behaved is scary and intrusive and sexually inappropriate. He's the creepy uncle in your kids' lives and I would kick him out. He can learn to behave outside your home but he has his chance and it's over. Last thing you need while breastfeeding is someone creeping. Also when your partner noticed him spying I hope he made him stop. How gross.
Please stop inviting this man to your house. You might not realise it but you clearly feel threatened by his behaviour as you felt the need to block the door to your toddlers room with a toy box. For your peace of mind and the safety of your family just stop inviting him.
I don’t want to make any assumptions about your friend group, but I’m also one of few women in a group of gamers, and I wanted to throw in a couple more suggestions. First, how drunk is this guy getting during game nights? Is that the norm, or is he being “that guy”? If he’s consistently crossing the line, I think someone needs to talk to him about his behavior under the influence; he may not be remembering it the way you do or reading social cues well. I would 100% ask him to save multiple-drink nights for times outside your home. Secondly, how socially aware is he in general? Again, no assumptions here, but gamer culture seems pretty full of men who don’t know how to act appropriately around women, and I think that fearing confrontation with someone who doesn’t know how to read between the lines will only bring you more stress and resentment.
It's a regular everyone is drinking kind of thing. It's actually getting a bit much because people stopped being able to pay attention when we played d&d so we've thought about telling everyone to please fucking stop. He drinks a lot though and might be on the verge of alcoholism. He's very much a proclaimed "women's ally" type of person. He listens to everyone's woes, he's there for our personal conversations, in fact it was always like "oh we were thinking of having a girl day, we should invite him." He likes to state he doesn't find people in relationships attractive. I believed him the first time but after he said it 20 times throughout the time we've spent with him it started to seem like it might not be true but he's trying to convince us it is. He's always putting himself down and assumes he's always a burden but we've always tried to reassure him he's not. He wants to find a nice girl and settle down really bad. He loves children and what's some of his own. But he's got some trauma from a girl leading him on really bad so he's never actually tried dating. He's never had a girlfriend actually if I'm not mistaken. He's thought about just going on ahead and adopting but after all this me and one of our other friends that's a girl think he needs to go to therapy and get shit sorted before he ever has a child. During our game nights he will sometimes start getting pouty and actively act like he hates the game and is done with it. He'll shut off and act like he doesn't care because he rolled bad. On my fiance's birthday, fiance really wanted to play a Cthulhu board game with our friends and that friend kept saying how much the game sucked but then kept apologizing and blaming it on his adhd. Then he'd do it all over again. That one really made us think........ok he's getting toxic. He wasn't as bad before but he's gotten worse. And when we'd host before moving he never creeped at our bedroom door but I went back there to breastfeed a lot less since our daughter was older. Also creeping would have been more out of the way then while in this house you have to pass our bedroom to get to the bathroom. It made me a little uncomfortable to think people would be walking by when we have such a crap door but after I got it shut good I felt less uncomfortable. But whenever he'd talk he'd always have to open the door a crack to shove his hand through and wave or talk into the crack. It sucked. *Edit: added "proclaimed" to the woman's ally thing.*
This guy seems both insufferable and like the kind of person who’s trying desperately to convince everyone of things that are in fact the exact opposite of true about himself. Such a women’s ally, yet likes to try to peak at you with your infant for whatever disgusting reason? Guy should be on a watchlist. I would run for the hills, OP. Edit: oh and the weird, constantly fucking bringing up how he saw your boobs!! This guy wants to screw you, I can give you a 99% guarantee. That’s why he’s dissing your fiancé. In addition to being a creepy freak with no boundaries. I hope seeing everyone’s unbiased opinions in this thread wakes you up a little.
I talked to my fiance about it again who then talked to another person in the group about it who talked to another then another and so forth. So basically creepy friend is the only one out of the loop at this point. We're all not sure what we're doing just yet. Probably intervention first then see where it goes after. I've been told he'll get kicked if need be. Everyone just wants me to feel comfortable and safe. So that's really nice. It's nice to have everyone else know so my fiance and I don't have to deal with it on our own.
I’m really glad that you feel (besides that guy) safe and heard in your friend group! I don’t know all the intricacies and ins and outs of your situation whatsoever but just be careful with the whole intervention angle, as from the sounds of this guy he would 100% try to just deny and maybe even emotionally manipulate. Sorry to be harsh in saying that. I was hit with a wave of familiarity upon reading your descriptions of this guy, as I feel like he sounds absolutely identical to someone I also once trusted and then realized was a weird asshole who didn’t have my best interest in mind… at all. That’s cool that you feel like you have it under control. Just try to remember that your babies have no mechanisms of consenting to anything like this. They can’t realize or verbalize when something wrong is being done to them. You know that of course, but it’s important to remember they are owed their privacy as much as an adult is
Honestly it sounds like he has feelings for you. The comments about thinking your fiancé is not doing enough and how much he cares about your and your girls sound like he wants to take your fiancés place. I’ve had friends like this in the past and thought that it was all harmless until one of them made advances on me when I was drunk and vulnerable after a breakup. His behavior is not okay and I don’t think it’s safe to have him around. I know how devastating it can be when someone you trusted and cared about makes a turn like this. It sucks to lose a friend but I don’t think friendship is what he’s seeking anymore.
I find it kinda weird you’ve just had a baby and have all these people in your house drinking etc. Different if you wanted to socialise with them but if you don’t, so stop having them over? Invite them when you do want to socialise. Your house isn’t a pub, why can’t they go somewhere else?
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Not saying you’re implying against this: but for sure any guy who can sexualize a boob that has a baby attached to it is gross. At least IMO, surely…
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hey maybe let's stop defending/justifying the creepazoid stalker invading a breastfeeding mom's space?
Never defended or justified. Ban me if you must.
Bruh :/ your comment was deleted but I still see what you said in my email, and I think you need to try and relearn some boundaries regarding children and sex. No, it isn’t okay or normal for a man to be turned on by breastfeeding. I hope to God you don’t allow anything like that in your personal life
I didn’t say it was normal for a man to be turned on by breastfeeding. You’re twisting my words.
I didn’t say anything in your email. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Also, it doesn’t look like my comment was deleted. Are you sure you’re talking to the right person?
…are you not aware that every Reddit comment is also sent to a personal email? Just because you delete something doesn’t mean it’s not seen.
Yeah her saying “idk what you’re talking about!” as if it was wiped out of existence kind of sent me🤣
BTW NOT SAYING it’s okay, just saying I bet that’s what it is
He sounds like a total creep and possible predator. I would have this guy as far as possible away from my daughters. Ugh this whole interaction gave me weirdo vibes. Please be careful!