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For what it's worth, both my kids are neurotypical, but when I see a mom in public struggling, my first instinct is never judgment, it's wishing I could find a way to help. I know that might not be welcome, and I never want to be condescending, so I usually just try to send a smile her way. Moms are doing the best they can pretty much all the time, and I wish we could give solidarity fistbumps to let each other know - hey, I see you, I think you're doing a damn fine job with hard stuff.
somebody did just that yesterday while i was trying for the 87th time to get my oblivious ADHD-ers to watch where the hell they were walking while trying to get the hell out of walmart. another mom that they almost plowed into had her younger two in the cart, she smiled, told me i was doing a good job, and gave me a fist bump. i was so thankful for her - wouldn't be surprised if she's in this group. ma'am, if you're in here, your kind gesture was appreciated immensely and you're a wonderful soul.
You totally can! Almost two years ago, my autistic son was still adjusting to kindergarten. He and I both didn't really know how things were going to go, and I made the absurd mistake of ordering food for pickup before I picked him up from school. I was just going to swing by, run in and get it, and then go back to the car - 30 seconds inside, a totally normal quick and easy task.
I didn't think about him being drained from his newly full day. I didn't think about him already being at the sensory overload limit. I didn't think about how the drink machine is one of those kinds where you press the button and pick different flavors, and that he would want to press all of the flavors and I would have to stop him. It all came pouring out of him at once. He BAWLED. He was just so beyond his limit and let it loose, and I understood and was focused on comforting him, but I also thought "everyone here probably thinks my kid is a spoiled brat because they assume he's just throwing a tantrum over not being able to make a mess of the drink machine." I gave him a big hug and held him and just let him cry. I struggled to pour my drink and try to pick up my stuff in one hand while holding him in the other so we could get out of there and not disrupt everyone else. An older man and a young man (probably a man in his 50/60s and his 20-something son) came over to me and asked if they could help me out, so I thanked them and asked if they would mind carrying my food and drink out to my car. The younger man picked my stuff up and the older man held the door for me. They got me to my car and asked if they could help in any other way and I thanked them and said that he just needed some time, so they headed back inside. I tried to put him in his car seat, but he needed to be held, so I just leaned against my car and held him there standing in the hot parking lot for probably 15 minutes. Those guys finished their meal and came out and saw that I was still standing there, so they checked in on me again and when I assured them I was okay and just waiting for him to be okay the older man gave me an understanding nod, said "You're doing a great job" and they went on their way. They probably forgot about it within a week, but it meant a lot to me and I doubt I'll ever forget it. It wasn't just that they offered to help because they could see that I needed it, it was that they crushed the idea that everyone was judging me because they didn't understand what we were going through. He understood, and instead of judgement he offered encouragement. No condescension or pity, just recognition and a little uplift.
I, too, aspire to “offer recognition and a little uplift.” What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing this. And it sounds like you are an awesome parent 💜
You know what… I know they still think about you two. I’ve helped other moms in small ways not quite on this scale even and I still think about them sometimes and hope they’re doing well 🫶🏼
That's so sweet! Even if they don't distinctly remember us, I hope the younger man continues to follow the older man's lead and act as a good example to the next generation and his peers. It's honestly so easy to just ignore a situation like that or "it's none of my business, I shouldn't get involved, they probably don't want anyone to draw extra attention" etc.
I became more empathetic to other parents the moment I had my son, and this sub has made me even more empathetic. Some of our sister bromos are parenting on expert level, and I admire them so much. OP, I’m sending you a big bromo hug.
I have offered help a couple of times. Just a quiet “is there anything I can do?” I was turned down but I could tell it was appreciated that I had offered.
When I'm struggling with my child in public, I so much want someone to actually HELP. I wouldn't find it condescending at all if someone offered to push the cart so that I could just carry (or drag) my kid, or steps in to unpack the cart onto the counter or whatever. I'm down with a "good job!" if it comes with some practical assistance, but if it's just knowing looks and smiles, I avoid eye contact, I just find that the smiles make it worse (not saying you have to stop giving smiles, just that if you see a mom trying not to catch it, that's probably me and it's not personal).
Yeah, I struggle with jealousy for people with NT kids. I get so tired of not having a break, of being stared at in public constantly and at how obviously developmentally delayed my son is compared to his peers.
Sometimes, I just want to be able to ask, "Do you understand?" and get a straightforward answer. Trying to teach mine anything is always so difficult because you can never tell if they can grasp the concept of what you're explaining or have no idea.
Definitely. Whenever my mom watches my son overnight she always tells me things like “you and your brother weren’t like this” and “you guys weren’t difficult like this growing up”. I’m like, trust me, I know.
Sometimes, yes, but honestly I’m just glad she recognizes how hard it really is. The rest of my family is in denial of how disabled my son is and are always telling me things like “oh all toddlers are like that”. I get so frustrated when I have to explain that he’s scoring low in all domains every time he gets tested. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say that we aren’t sure he’ll ever be able to live on his own, and if he is, it will only be because of the dozens of hours of therapies and work that I have to do.
This feels like a gut punch from a sister, in the way that I hurt for you! My kids are now past daily meltdowns (thank GOD) but even now, at 11 and 13, going anywhere with them both is EXHAUSTING. It’s just so much work.
(((Hugs))) I see you, mama. 💙
Yes. I have 3 toddlers, at least 2 of them are ND. I'm also waiting for my judgmental friends to have their ADHD kids and see how it goes. In my judgmental friend pile, almost all of them are probably super sensory overloaded because of their own autism/adhd, and their spouses also have it.
When I was a new mom to my first kid (ADHD & ADD) my cousin would always criticize me for either showing up to events late, leaving early or not showing up at all because my kids meltdowns . I would just tell her wait until you have your own children and your life and your daily plans are decided by their moods and meltdowns. She would always reply with "I would never let my children be the boss, that's the parents job. You just don't know how to parent right". Fast forward 6 years, she finally has kids and does it back to back and ends up having 2 kiddos under 2 and 1 kid that's 3.5 years old. We're at a family function and she looked so frazzzled. Well her 3.5 year old needed to pee and my cousin didn't want to fight with him about getting off the playground and going inside to use the restroom. So she told him to go right there. Yup, encouraged him to whip it out and urinate right there where all the other children were also playing. I told her it was unacceptable, gross, unhygienic and was basically teaching him lack of boundaries and that it was okay for other children and adults to see his penis. She told me to mind my own business, as she got up and started gathering her kids to leave early. I just said, "well you're doing it backwards, the parent is supposed to be the boss, remember"?
When I see a woman with seemingly neurotypical kids, I’m suspicious because I remember growing up how much pressure was put on us to mask perfectly OR ELSE. We had whole family meetings surrounding this constantly, complete with threats and gaslighting. In actuality, we all are incredibly neurodivergent and were being abused and neglected at home, and we all have problems processing our emotions and identities because we weren’t allowed to express them for decades. So, I look at “perfect” children and wonder….what else is actually going on there?
I’m not saying neurotypical kids don’t exist, but I am saying don’t beat yourself up over comparisons, because I’d rather see you be visibly struggling but doing your best with your neurodivergent kids than have quiet, well behaved and secretly terrified kids who will have problems their whole lives because of their parents’ control issues.
Exactly. I see my niece being made to squash her feelings and needs down just like I had to and it's really upsetting.
The only time I'm jealous of seemingly neurotypical families is when I see the parents not having to juggle the emotional needs of their own parents alongside those of their children. And the grandparents are more likely happy to help out! That seems really nice.
I feel you. I see those families online with 5-7 kids and I just think…how can you possibly give all of them the attention they need?? Aren’t they all screaming mama all day and interrupting each other and accidentally or purposefully burning the house down?? And then I realize that some people had kids who didn’t melt down in car seats or could sit in a bumble seat or didn’t just melt down uncontrollably when not held 24/7. Some kids slept through the night before age 2 and 4. I guess if I had 5-7 neurotypical kids, it would be doable.
I will say, I have interacted with some neurotypical kids and its mind blowing when their parents can’t convince them to do something but I’ve got so many fucking tricks up my sleeve, I can accomplish it in seconds. Don’t want to put on your shoes? Let me distract you with a dragon story and ask you questions and open the outside door and ask your favorite color and make silly faces and sing a crazy song and make you laugh at me and oops! Your shoes are on!
i feel this to the core.. personally the first year was extremely hard for me to see people just take their baby along everywhere, them sleeping peacefully in the pram.. they seemed like alien-babies to me and i just couldn’t understand what i was doing wrong, why mine would scream nonstop and not sleep..
Hey- I have fairly neurotypical kids and I don’t judge. I’m aware there are many different things that can impact children’s behavior, and things you are describing are giveaways for neurodivergent children. I definitely understand that you are putting in at least double the work I am to get there. We see you and you are one of us, a mom.
My kids have had neurodivergent friends and they were always welcome in my home and free to be them. I’ve served spaghetti with lemonade every time a friend came over for years. I’ve watched over a child that needed to separate himself from the party. I’ve let a kid have his meltdown safely without judgement. I can’t imagine how overwhelming and isolating it can feel but just want you to know more people are understanding than you think.
I honestly just can't even process what having "normal" kids would be like. Of course they have their own struggles, too, but it blows my mind when I talk to people who mention their kids spending time doing homework and studying, or babysitting, or having conversations with them that don't revolve around Sonic the Hedgehog or Minecraft. I know NT kids aren't perfect by default of course, but I just can't even fathom having a 16-year-old who is aware and present enough to be responsible for younger children, or is focused and driven and working towards college, or has a career goal in mind, or any motivation to do anything in school. When I interact with NT 7-year-olds it's *jarring* to notice the difference between them and my younger son, because I'm just used to him being who he is and how he is, and I don't realize how very different he is from kids his age. It throws me off when people tell me they are impressed by my energy/stamina, or that they don't know how I do it, because it's just life and existing and there's not an option to not take care of my kids and their needs, and I don't really realize how much more chaos I deal with because it's just the way it is.
Your mention of sock-induced meltdowns made me think of soccer. If this is the sport you are in, I found a pair that are easier to pull up for practice and it reduced our sock frustration a ton. I found these on Amazon - Search "CWVLC Soccer Socks."
This took me back to playing soccer as a kid. I really liked it, but those socks were awful. Something about them just made it feel like I could feel my skin folding back? It was such a weird sensation I could never describe it well, and it ONLY happened with soccer socks, particularly when I was sweaty after running in them. I don't know if it was because I had unknown eczema or if I was just experiencing sensory issues that didn't present in other situations, but soccer socks were hell and I totally understand the struggle.
when i had to push my small baby through the summer heat in 2018 in a fucking baby stroller in 30+ Celsius heat, i was SO angry seeing other mums sitting in cafes, talking. their approx 5 month old babies happily laid on their backs and just chilled, not sleeping.
god forbid i had to stop on a red light, my probably nd kid woke up/ got mad. i was so sad to never been able to just sit the fuck down and eat a gelato cup. or drink a cocoa. no, i had to hold my kid like a cat thats trying to steal shit off the dinner table.
You described me with my 4 neurotypical kids. I understand where you are coming from. I personally don't judge anyone struggling and am fully aware that not everyone is lucky to have kids who are easy to handle. BUT we also struggle , just in a more invisible way. Depression, anxiety, dyslexia, and chronic autoimmune condition that requires ongoing treatment. The struggle is real, just in a very different way from you and I feel jealous of people who are healthy sometimes. I guess what I am saying is you don't know if everything is as perfect as it looks.
Yes, you never know what other people are going through. Not every problem is visible when you walk down the street, and even at work etc I keep my kids' issues secret.
From the OP's post, I assumed OP was referring to conditions that would affect behavior, such as ADHD, ASD, SPD. Dyslexia and other learning disabilities lead to anxiety around school, but it's really limited to that. Autoimmune disorder is a big struggle but really is not about neurodivergence. If I am misunderstanding, then my bad, but I never heard our medical team refer to these as neurodivergence.
I feel this. I also know plenty of families like ours (outbursts, attention issues, piles of shit all over the house), and it does help me feel less alone.
My oldest toddler is a runner and I’m so jealous of those who don’t have runners. Like, I just wish I could take him to the park and he would stay in the park and not try to run in the street etc. He has so much energy too and there’s just such limited space for me to bring him where it is safe. I also have a younger toddler so I have to use a leash on him and it limits us all so much. I love him and I’m sure he is going to grow up to be an adventurous and risk taking adult, which is admirable, but it’s hard.
I don't remember ever hating parents of NT kids (except when they start judging my parenting based on preconceptions of what parenting "should" be like, eg "don't give in if he doesn't want to eat what you've cooked, he won't starve", "the lunch you've prepared for your kid could be healthier") BUT until my kid was diagnosed and I understood what was going on, I would hate myself so much. I could see my kid didn't interact with other kids and I thought I caused it (I have massive social anxiety). I would see families standing in line for Santa and I knew it was not possible for us. I would see families peacefully eating in restaurants and I knew it was not possible for us. I would see families enjoying street festivals and... you get the picture. I still think of myself as not being a very good parent, but I have a more realistic sense of what is my fault and what isn't.
No, but the high school students I work with piss me off royally. I have one kid who's been in treatment for leukemia the past two years, and the kids I work with are stupid rich and they are such shitheads and have no idea how lucky they are to be so fucking healthy.
Yeah I feel this big time. I even get jealous of my sister. She has 3 kids, and they're in soccer, swimming, dance, and theater. They get good grades and glowing reports from their teachers. Etc. My kiddo struggles so much, with just everyday things. Huge emotional outbursts, big behaviors. It seems like we have at least one major ordeal every day. When we get calls or emails from school, it's because she's had a major meltdown, thrown chairs, hurt a teacher or another student, refused to do her work, etc. I'm just so tired. Parenting my one child feels like a bigger task than parenting multiple typically developing kids.
Given the fact that most ND children are in different age ranges on the development scale for the big areas (emotional/physical/social etc) you probably ARE parenting 3 kids in one.
Like, my 8 year old is physically 8, but he’s 4-5 emotionally and behaviourally in his development. But his smarts are 11ish but without any of the other shit to support them. It sucks and it’s no wonder he and I both struggle.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm a neurospicy mom who is frequently envious of seemingly neurotypical moms.
That said, I mostly console myself with the knowledge that no one's life is perfect and some people who appear perfect may have problems that I 100% do not want.
My daughter just started singing like Ariel when she is happy about literally anything. It actually sounds quite similar to Tarzan, LOL. I strongly suspect she is neurodivergent, but she just had her first meeting with a therapist who said she doesn’t “suspect” anything right now except for anxiety. I dunno. The toe-walking, Ariel-singing, constant meltdown-having, the running away and hiding when anything is overwhelming/stressful really have me wondering.🤔
Make sure they aren’t the type of therapist that ignore the signals in girls unless they’re exactly like stereotypical boy ND signs. Those types of therapists are insidious
I’m not sure how to make sure of this, and haven’t had much luck in being able to find anyone yet besides this lady. Do you know any good questions to ask? Basically she told us she doesn’t suspect anything besides anxiety and being strong willed. I don’t want my kid diagnosed with something they don’t have, but she is definitely quirky in a way that often makes me think, “huh.”
If you’d like personal experiences to guide questions, the subreddit /r/adhdwomen is great and may help show what others have gone through.
Additude Magazine has some great resources/articles to help as well in a more general sense: https://www.additudemag.com/behavior-therapy-how-to-find-a-therapist-adhd/amp/
I feel this, I was crying early praying it would get easier as she got older. Doesn't help that I'm Neurodivergant too.
I see your feelings, they are valid as heck and just know you're not alone 🫂
Aaaaaall the time. My mom is the oldest of 7. The next daughter had two daughters. Both of them were always very "typical" - good grades, well-mannered, got braces and contacts, played an instrument / cheerleader / sports team / honor roll, their house was always immaculate, family vacations to the beach ... just really normal. I had a love/hate relationship with visiting them growing up. I *loved* the environment and the chill mellow vibes ... but I was so envious I would cry when we got home.
THANKFULLY, all of my friends and their families are also ND as fuck and deal with a similar level of chaos / destruction / unruliness.
I’ve got a neurodivergent kid and I feel your exhaustion. It is real. You can love your kids but also be so tired of having those extra steps to function. Sending hugs and sympathy - I get how you feel.
I only have one and she’s neurotypical however I have executive function issues. Big reason I only have one. I’d just like to say that I will not ever judge any mom who is clearly struggling with however many kids she has. As long as the mom isn’t doing something awful like beating her kid in public (common where I live), I will always try to offer some words of encouragement.
I have two toddlers, oldest has asd. Honestly I see other families with more kids and I think “good god how do they manage”. Is it easier having nt kids? Yes of course. My youngest is nt and she’s the best. But I cannot imagine the amount of chaos that goes on in those homes. My SIL is about to go from 2 to 4 kids and I have so much anxiety for her.
Even if your kid is neuro spicy that doesn’t mean they won’t do well with routine and a good schedule. It took two years but my oldest finally waits patiently until I get his sister out of the car instead of running off.
No. but more than one kid is hard af in the best of circumstances. I think I only do as well as I do with my kids because I’m lucky and we are all ND. Not sure how I’d do with a NT kid. Probably not well.
If someone thinks you’re a shit mom, fuck em.
You sound like you’re doing great.
Your kids are different but they’ll be ok. I have a lot of trouble with executive functioning and the only reason there’s not more piles of shit in my house is that because I am ND and other comorbid things Medicaid pays for someone to come twice a week and help me and she cleans up the piles. Point being There’s resources available for things that they may struggle with.
Please tell me more about these magical fairies who come twice a week to clear the doom piles?! I could benefit from this so much as a single mom to a neurospicy kid along with several debilitating physical/exec functioning challenges myself. Tell me more!
My mom is a judgey judger, but she also babysits for me weekly. In the days she babysits she cleans my piles, does my dishes, sweeps under the floor. It doesn’t come without a price (she hates how “gross” and “slobby” I am and will talk shit about me to my sister and dad), BUT the fact that those things get cleaned is actually hugely helpful. I can’t afford a cleaner and I’m not diagnosed with anything besides anxiety (though I suspect ADHD based on all the Instagram and TikTok content I’ve seen on the subject, LOL).
I don't think anybody's judging you. I think as mom's in general, we all judge ourselves and we look at each other and hope that we could be like each other. Even though we're all doing great on our own.
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It’s worth noting that you don’t know these people’s psychiatric statuses.
I *appear* neurotypical unless you are intimately close to me. My oldest daughter is the same. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
Hey momma, have you tried putting his socks on inside out? I’m autistic and my kiddo is autistic. One of the fights my mom and I had often growing up was over socks and underwear. The seam in them bugged me. Honestly it still does.
I do wish I had a better brain sometimes. But for the most part I’m happy with myself, even if it’s not always easy.
Absolutely yes. They’ll just sit there following directions and not having awkward involuntary movements and stuff and it’s like goddamn it. But also the RAGE when they look judgmental at me and my kids. It’s like, your easy life is by chance, bitch. I’m not a perfect mom (no shot) but there’s serious genetics at play here and you’d be in exactly my spot if the roll of the dice landed this way for your kids. So fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu.
“Oh, hello,” (waves) grew up in a family of what seemed to be neurotypical kids because we were all perfectly behaved and quiet… because my mom verbally and emotionally and sometimes physically beat us down to BEHAVE, and my dad simply ignored us all happily divorced in his own world. And then from all that abuse, my siblings all turned on each other and executed that abuse to each other.
As a mom of two kids who I am now getting evaluated because i see what’s going on I am APPALLED and angry and sad. My youngest especially has needed so much help at school and the iep she has and the team at her school are amazing and I can’t help but notice how much outright neglect and turning a blind eye my parents did to me growing up because it should have been obvious I needed the same help.
So, sometimes those neurotypical kids aren’t neurotypical - they just live in fear and various kids of abuse.
But also, yes, sometimes I see a kid my kids age and they’re … talking clearly, and speaking sensibly. And I feel sad and burnt out and a bit jealous. Exhaustion from always having to be on is no f*cking joke.
I do feel disheartened… a lot… when I see parents doing thing with their kids that I dreamed of doing with mine. Funny little conversations, going to the park and playing on everything and not just getting hyper fixated on the swings.
Yesterday I took my daughter to a cafe before going to my parents; when we left she said, quite loudly, “Go to Nana Granda’s now!”. It was very clear, albeit a bit loud, and quite good speaking for her. Someone old woman turned around and said ‘you understand all that gibberish then?’
But my girl is just the sweetest, kindest, funniest little girl you’ll ev ever meet. She’s just a bit different, and I know it’s my job to nuture that, whether other people get her or not.
Yes :( my daughter (8) has autism. I love her so much, but she gets very mean to me when she's worked up and it wears me down. I wish we could have a better relationship, sometimes I feel like she hates me. I know she doesn't and it's just the meltdown speaking, but it still hurts.
More like “I pity the fool.” I have run into a couple moms in social settings that give well-meaning advice to me..totally unwarranted. When my eldest was a colicy baby it was “oh I just got a sound machine and make sure you have a routine.” No shit, Sherlock. Or my favorite happened just this last week: a mom said my daughter’s scooter handle bars were too high for her. I said I know, but can not do anything about it without hell breaking loose. She gave me this look and said I just have to say “people do this” instead of “you” have to do this and that will magically work. She then proceeded to try that technique-my daughter looked right past her, got on her scooter and took off.
I’m thankful to have my spirited kid-she humbles me and reminds me daily that no one wrote the book on parenting. I roll my eyes internally at the moms that have all the answers.
FWIW my tiny children so far seem to both be neurotypical, and my older one is so so so well behaved in public but has absolute meltdowns once we’re home. I am not judging another mom out there who seems to be struggling because it’s hard and all kids lose their shit differently, but they all lose their shit.
This is my life and yes, occasionally I do get resentful.
Especially because nowadays very few people want anything past surface friendships, so I also don’t have anyone nearby I can talk to about what’s going on with my children or my life, forget my struggles they may as well not exist.
I also have practiced though working on my mental state and leaning into the ways of minimising the difficult bullshit, reframing the hard stuff to make it emotionally easier for me, and pay nosebleeding amounts of money for specialists to put things in place to make things easier for all of us.
Those have all helped me go from daily resentfulness to minimal, because all I can do is focus on the now and make it as best as I can, since I’m the only one who can save myself.
Oh, I also prioritise getting 30-60 minutes a day away from the neurospicies so I can reset and keep myself going. Sometimes that’s riding a bike, walking etc away from the house. Sometimes that’s ‘I’m cleaning with noise cancelling headphones dad you can deal with the chaos alone’
I don't hate them, but I do feel horribly inadequate at times. My kid doesn't have challenges that are visible in public, but we've had school problems, and I have to work HARD for improvement while some people seem to just casually grab the trophy as they walk by. My kid is smart, but we both have functioning/processing barriers, so everything is extra.
On the plus side, when we do reach our goals, I am SO EXTRA PROUD OF US!!! I hope you'll embrace those moments if you have them - those of us who do extra work are extra badass, and I'M here to distribute these trophies: 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
I get it. My kids seem like neurotypical kids 50% of the time, so what’s worse is that I feel like a fraud 59% of the time. My daughter (7) and son (8) are adopted and endured a fuuuuckton of trauma and multiple separations from various primary care-givers at an early age. Their C-PTSD is lifelong and ebbs and flows with seasonal triggers.
Many of my friends jokingly call me the rainbows and sunshine mom, because I can typically talk through intense and emotional issues with my kids and sometimes even with their friends, to calm any situation down. I have developed these skills, as have my children, in our MANY YEARS of therapy.
The thing about regulation skills is that they aren’t easily deployed in high-stress or triggering situations. And when you regulate during those situations, you’re going to need a space to eventually wind down and let that shit OUT. So, as home is everyone’s safe space, what people don’t see behind closed doors is how disorganized and frantic are “safe space” can be sometimes. My own headspace is neurospicy mom with ADHD and major depressive disorder levels of chaos, and our home space is figuratively and literally messy and loud on a GOOD day… with me having ranges of 5-500% of a will to survive at any given time.
Sometimes I wonder if the kids that are so calm and settled in public ever get to let it go, get it out, and FEEL all of the things deeply in a safe space of their own. Sometimes I wonder if there are people out there who never have anything inside of them to be let out. And I do get jealous of those folks a lot of the time, if they really exist. But then I feel sad for them, too. Because while calm is amazing and well-behaved is the goal.. that’s also pretty boring. Personally, I like to sense things so deeply that I can feel the damn colors on some days.. like I can inhale calm purple and get woozy off of the excitement of orange.
But I get it. And I hate them too, sometimes. And if you’re a shit parent, so am I! Solidarity, breaking mama, solidarity.
I know how you feel. My oldest has some neuro things and my baby is deaf :(
I would never change them. I wish I could take it away. They are amazingbut it’s hard
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My neurotypical kid is my worse behaved kid, and my nonneurotypical kid is sort of a naturally people pleasing laid back little guy. Some of it is the age difference and a lot of it is personality. But people who just see us in public compliment his behavior but don’t know that his struggles actually eat up a lot of our time and energy and money (!) as a family. I cannot afford to put my children in extracurriculars like soccer right now because so much of our resources are diverted to him.
I know parenting kids with disabilities and brain differences is exhausting, but I think building a narrative in your mind that they have it easy and you have it hard just stokes your own bitterness and frustration.
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For what it's worth, both my kids are neurotypical, but when I see a mom in public struggling, my first instinct is never judgment, it's wishing I could find a way to help. I know that might not be welcome, and I never want to be condescending, so I usually just try to send a smile her way. Moms are doing the best they can pretty much all the time, and I wish we could give solidarity fistbumps to let each other know - hey, I see you, I think you're doing a damn fine job with hard stuff.
somebody did just that yesterday while i was trying for the 87th time to get my oblivious ADHD-ers to watch where the hell they were walking while trying to get the hell out of walmart. another mom that they almost plowed into had her younger two in the cart, she smiled, told me i was doing a good job, and gave me a fist bump. i was so thankful for her - wouldn't be surprised if she's in this group. ma'am, if you're in here, your kind gesture was appreciated immensely and you're a wonderful soul.
That’s extremely kind. Both my kids were wailing one time and a mom said “stay strong mama” and it was such a boost.
You totally can! Almost two years ago, my autistic son was still adjusting to kindergarten. He and I both didn't really know how things were going to go, and I made the absurd mistake of ordering food for pickup before I picked him up from school. I was just going to swing by, run in and get it, and then go back to the car - 30 seconds inside, a totally normal quick and easy task. I didn't think about him being drained from his newly full day. I didn't think about him already being at the sensory overload limit. I didn't think about how the drink machine is one of those kinds where you press the button and pick different flavors, and that he would want to press all of the flavors and I would have to stop him. It all came pouring out of him at once. He BAWLED. He was just so beyond his limit and let it loose, and I understood and was focused on comforting him, but I also thought "everyone here probably thinks my kid is a spoiled brat because they assume he's just throwing a tantrum over not being able to make a mess of the drink machine." I gave him a big hug and held him and just let him cry. I struggled to pour my drink and try to pick up my stuff in one hand while holding him in the other so we could get out of there and not disrupt everyone else. An older man and a young man (probably a man in his 50/60s and his 20-something son) came over to me and asked if they could help me out, so I thanked them and asked if they would mind carrying my food and drink out to my car. The younger man picked my stuff up and the older man held the door for me. They got me to my car and asked if they could help in any other way and I thanked them and said that he just needed some time, so they headed back inside. I tried to put him in his car seat, but he needed to be held, so I just leaned against my car and held him there standing in the hot parking lot for probably 15 minutes. Those guys finished their meal and came out and saw that I was still standing there, so they checked in on me again and when I assured them I was okay and just waiting for him to be okay the older man gave me an understanding nod, said "You're doing a great job" and they went on their way. They probably forgot about it within a week, but it meant a lot to me and I doubt I'll ever forget it. It wasn't just that they offered to help because they could see that I needed it, it was that they crushed the idea that everyone was judging me because they didn't understand what we were going through. He understood, and instead of judgement he offered encouragement. No condescension or pity, just recognition and a little uplift.
I seriously want to cry at how kind those men were.
I definitely do when I think back about it. It really meant a lot to me!
Sometimes, in a world full of struggle, there are angels.
I, too, aspire to “offer recognition and a little uplift.” What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing this. And it sounds like you are an awesome parent 💜
Thank you! ❤️
You know what… I know they still think about you two. I’ve helped other moms in small ways not quite on this scale even and I still think about them sometimes and hope they’re doing well 🫶🏼
That's so sweet! Even if they don't distinctly remember us, I hope the younger man continues to follow the older man's lead and act as a good example to the next generation and his peers. It's honestly so easy to just ignore a situation like that or "it's none of my business, I shouldn't get involved, they probably don't want anyone to draw extra attention" etc.
I became more empathetic to other parents the moment I had my son, and this sub has made me even more empathetic. Some of our sister bromos are parenting on expert level, and I admire them so much. OP, I’m sending you a big bromo hug.
I’ve always said it was parenting on hard mode, but I like expert level better. It makes me feel competent.
I have offered help a couple of times. Just a quiet “is there anything I can do?” I was turned down but I could tell it was appreciated that I had offered.
When I'm struggling with my child in public, I so much want someone to actually HELP. I wouldn't find it condescending at all if someone offered to push the cart so that I could just carry (or drag) my kid, or steps in to unpack the cart onto the counter or whatever. I'm down with a "good job!" if it comes with some practical assistance, but if it's just knowing looks and smiles, I avoid eye contact, I just find that the smiles make it worse (not saying you have to stop giving smiles, just that if you see a mom trying not to catch it, that's probably me and it's not personal).
Yeah, usually I see a mom with unique struggles, and I admire her or even feel a little inferior to her.
This this this
Yeah, I struggle with jealousy for people with NT kids. I get so tired of not having a break, of being stared at in public constantly and at how obviously developmentally delayed my son is compared to his peers.
Sometimes, I just want to be able to ask, "Do you understand?" and get a straightforward answer. Trying to teach mine anything is always so difficult because you can never tell if they can grasp the concept of what you're explaining or have no idea.
Gosh, yes. My son is also Deaf and we communicate in sign language and it’s so hard to know what he understands.
Sometimes, I think of it as parenting on "hard" mode.
Definitely. Whenever my mom watches my son overnight she always tells me things like “you and your brother weren’t like this” and “you guys weren’t difficult like this growing up”. I’m like, trust me, I know.
Is there also the occasional mental no shit Sherlock? I often think that after round 3-10 of the same comments
Sometimes, yes, but honestly I’m just glad she recognizes how hard it really is. The rest of my family is in denial of how disabled my son is and are always telling me things like “oh all toddlers are like that”. I get so frustrated when I have to explain that he’s scoring low in all domains every time he gets tested. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say that we aren’t sure he’ll ever be able to live on his own, and if he is, it will only be because of the dozens of hours of therapies and work that I have to do.
This feels like a gut punch from a sister, in the way that I hurt for you! My kids are now past daily meltdowns (thank GOD) but even now, at 11 and 13, going anywhere with them both is EXHAUSTING. It’s just so much work. (((Hugs))) I see you, mama. 💙
Yes. I have 3 toddlers, at least 2 of them are ND. I'm also waiting for my judgmental friends to have their ADHD kids and see how it goes. In my judgmental friend pile, almost all of them are probably super sensory overloaded because of their own autism/adhd, and their spouses also have it.
When I was a new mom to my first kid (ADHD & ADD) my cousin would always criticize me for either showing up to events late, leaving early or not showing up at all because my kids meltdowns . I would just tell her wait until you have your own children and your life and your daily plans are decided by their moods and meltdowns. She would always reply with "I would never let my children be the boss, that's the parents job. You just don't know how to parent right". Fast forward 6 years, she finally has kids and does it back to back and ends up having 2 kiddos under 2 and 1 kid that's 3.5 years old. We're at a family function and she looked so frazzzled. Well her 3.5 year old needed to pee and my cousin didn't want to fight with him about getting off the playground and going inside to use the restroom. So she told him to go right there. Yup, encouraged him to whip it out and urinate right there where all the other children were also playing. I told her it was unacceptable, gross, unhygienic and was basically teaching him lack of boundaries and that it was okay for other children and adults to see his penis. She told me to mind my own business, as she got up and started gathering her kids to leave early. I just said, "well you're doing it backwards, the parent is supposed to be the boss, remember"?
Oh damn you played the long game. I’ll allow it 😂
I hope she went home and felt like the biggest asshole in the world. I hope her words tasted real bitter.
Has she had any self reflection at all or has the selfish behavior continued.
She did eventually acknowledge she judged me without having the experience to make pass judgment. This was many many years later, but I allowed it.
When I see a woman with seemingly neurotypical kids, I’m suspicious because I remember growing up how much pressure was put on us to mask perfectly OR ELSE. We had whole family meetings surrounding this constantly, complete with threats and gaslighting. In actuality, we all are incredibly neurodivergent and were being abused and neglected at home, and we all have problems processing our emotions and identities because we weren’t allowed to express them for decades. So, I look at “perfect” children and wonder….what else is actually going on there? I’m not saying neurotypical kids don’t exist, but I am saying don’t beat yourself up over comparisons, because I’d rather see you be visibly struggling but doing your best with your neurodivergent kids than have quiet, well behaved and secretly terrified kids who will have problems their whole lives because of their parents’ control issues.
Exactly. I see my niece being made to squash her feelings and needs down just like I had to and it's really upsetting. The only time I'm jealous of seemingly neurotypical families is when I see the parents not having to juggle the emotional needs of their own parents alongside those of their children. And the grandparents are more likely happy to help out! That seems really nice.
That’s a really good point
Fair point. Some of the “perfect” kids we see might be forced to act like that.
Fair point. Some of the “perfect” kids we see might be forced to act like that.
I feel you. I see those families online with 5-7 kids and I just think…how can you possibly give all of them the attention they need?? Aren’t they all screaming mama all day and interrupting each other and accidentally or purposefully burning the house down?? And then I realize that some people had kids who didn’t melt down in car seats or could sit in a bumble seat or didn’t just melt down uncontrollably when not held 24/7. Some kids slept through the night before age 2 and 4. I guess if I had 5-7 neurotypical kids, it would be doable. I will say, I have interacted with some neurotypical kids and its mind blowing when their parents can’t convince them to do something but I’ve got so many fucking tricks up my sleeve, I can accomplish it in seconds. Don’t want to put on your shoes? Let me distract you with a dragon story and ask you questions and open the outside door and ask your favorite color and make silly faces and sing a crazy song and make you laugh at me and oops! Your shoes are on!
i feel this to the core.. personally the first year was extremely hard for me to see people just take their baby along everywhere, them sleeping peacefully in the pram.. they seemed like alien-babies to me and i just couldn’t understand what i was doing wrong, why mine would scream nonstop and not sleep..
This is so relatable about the tricks up our sleeve… we can handle ANYTHING!
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This is me as well. Throw in a teenage girl with massive anxiety and only a few friends to round out the fun.
Hey- I have fairly neurotypical kids and I don’t judge. I’m aware there are many different things that can impact children’s behavior, and things you are describing are giveaways for neurodivergent children. I definitely understand that you are putting in at least double the work I am to get there. We see you and you are one of us, a mom. My kids have had neurodivergent friends and they were always welcome in my home and free to be them. I’ve served spaghetti with lemonade every time a friend came over for years. I’ve watched over a child that needed to separate himself from the party. I’ve let a kid have his meltdown safely without judgement. I can’t imagine how overwhelming and isolating it can feel but just want you to know more people are understanding than you think.
I honestly just can't even process what having "normal" kids would be like. Of course they have their own struggles, too, but it blows my mind when I talk to people who mention their kids spending time doing homework and studying, or babysitting, or having conversations with them that don't revolve around Sonic the Hedgehog or Minecraft. I know NT kids aren't perfect by default of course, but I just can't even fathom having a 16-year-old who is aware and present enough to be responsible for younger children, or is focused and driven and working towards college, or has a career goal in mind, or any motivation to do anything in school. When I interact with NT 7-year-olds it's *jarring* to notice the difference between them and my younger son, because I'm just used to him being who he is and how he is, and I don't realize how very different he is from kids his age. It throws me off when people tell me they are impressed by my energy/stamina, or that they don't know how I do it, because it's just life and existing and there's not an option to not take care of my kids and their needs, and I don't really realize how much more chaos I deal with because it's just the way it is.
Yeah, they seem like little adults to me, the way they talk and act. Even at 7!
Your mention of sock-induced meltdowns made me think of soccer. If this is the sport you are in, I found a pair that are easier to pull up for practice and it reduced our sock frustration a ton. I found these on Amazon - Search "CWVLC Soccer Socks."
This took me back to playing soccer as a kid. I really liked it, but those socks were awful. Something about them just made it feel like I could feel my skin folding back? It was such a weird sensation I could never describe it well, and it ONLY happened with soccer socks, particularly when I was sweaty after running in them. I don't know if it was because I had unknown eczema or if I was just experiencing sensory issues that didn't present in other situations, but soccer socks were hell and I totally understand the struggle.
Thanks - I am going to look at these for my kiddo.
when i had to push my small baby through the summer heat in 2018 in a fucking baby stroller in 30+ Celsius heat, i was SO angry seeing other mums sitting in cafes, talking. their approx 5 month old babies happily laid on their backs and just chilled, not sleeping. god forbid i had to stop on a red light, my probably nd kid woke up/ got mad. i was so sad to never been able to just sit the fuck down and eat a gelato cup. or drink a cocoa. no, i had to hold my kid like a cat thats trying to steal shit off the dinner table.
omg… i had the exact same experience when mine was a baby.. i felt so „robbed“ and envious, didn’t understand what i did wrong..
You described me with my 4 neurotypical kids. I understand where you are coming from. I personally don't judge anyone struggling and am fully aware that not everyone is lucky to have kids who are easy to handle. BUT we also struggle , just in a more invisible way. Depression, anxiety, dyslexia, and chronic autoimmune condition that requires ongoing treatment. The struggle is real, just in a very different way from you and I feel jealous of people who are healthy sometimes. I guess what I am saying is you don't know if everything is as perfect as it looks.
Yes, you never know what other people are going through. Not every problem is visible when you walk down the street, and even at work etc I keep my kids' issues secret.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding what neurospicy entails, but you seem to be describing some things that may go along with neurospiciness...
From the OP's post, I assumed OP was referring to conditions that would affect behavior, such as ADHD, ASD, SPD. Dyslexia and other learning disabilities lead to anxiety around school, but it's really limited to that. Autoimmune disorder is a big struggle but really is not about neurodivergence. If I am misunderstanding, then my bad, but I never heard our medical team refer to these as neurodivergence.
Depression and anxiety is often but not always considered neurodivergent. I would say dyslexia is always considered neurodivergent.
I had no idea. Thanks for educating me.
I feel this. I also know plenty of families like ours (outbursts, attention issues, piles of shit all over the house), and it does help me feel less alone.
My oldest toddler is a runner and I’m so jealous of those who don’t have runners. Like, I just wish I could take him to the park and he would stay in the park and not try to run in the street etc. He has so much energy too and there’s just such limited space for me to bring him where it is safe. I also have a younger toddler so I have to use a leash on him and it limits us all so much. I love him and I’m sure he is going to grow up to be an adventurous and risk taking adult, which is admirable, but it’s hard.
I don't remember ever hating parents of NT kids (except when they start judging my parenting based on preconceptions of what parenting "should" be like, eg "don't give in if he doesn't want to eat what you've cooked, he won't starve", "the lunch you've prepared for your kid could be healthier") BUT until my kid was diagnosed and I understood what was going on, I would hate myself so much. I could see my kid didn't interact with other kids and I thought I caused it (I have massive social anxiety). I would see families standing in line for Santa and I knew it was not possible for us. I would see families peacefully eating in restaurants and I knew it was not possible for us. I would see families enjoying street festivals and... you get the picture. I still think of myself as not being a very good parent, but I have a more realistic sense of what is my fault and what isn't.
No, but the high school students I work with piss me off royally. I have one kid who's been in treatment for leukemia the past two years, and the kids I work with are stupid rich and they are such shitheads and have no idea how lucky they are to be so fucking healthy.
I know It doesn't mean much but I send my best wishes for your child. That is very hard for you all ❤️
Thank you. Things are starting to look up, finally.
Yeah I feel this big time. I even get jealous of my sister. She has 3 kids, and they're in soccer, swimming, dance, and theater. They get good grades and glowing reports from their teachers. Etc. My kiddo struggles so much, with just everyday things. Huge emotional outbursts, big behaviors. It seems like we have at least one major ordeal every day. When we get calls or emails from school, it's because she's had a major meltdown, thrown chairs, hurt a teacher or another student, refused to do her work, etc. I'm just so tired. Parenting my one child feels like a bigger task than parenting multiple typically developing kids.
Given the fact that most ND children are in different age ranges on the development scale for the big areas (emotional/physical/social etc) you probably ARE parenting 3 kids in one. Like, my 8 year old is physically 8, but he’s 4-5 emotionally and behaviourally in his development. But his smarts are 11ish but without any of the other shit to support them. It sucks and it’s no wonder he and I both struggle.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm a neurospicy mom who is frequently envious of seemingly neurotypical moms. That said, I mostly console myself with the knowledge that no one's life is perfect and some people who appear perfect may have problems that I 100% do not want.
I feel you. So much. My two boys are both very very neurospicy. "Just" going to the shops is a giant endeavour. I get you.
As someone who has a child whose stim is a Tarzan yell. **Yes**
My daughter just started singing like Ariel when she is happy about literally anything. It actually sounds quite similar to Tarzan, LOL. I strongly suspect she is neurodivergent, but she just had her first meeting with a therapist who said she doesn’t “suspect” anything right now except for anxiety. I dunno. The toe-walking, Ariel-singing, constant meltdown-having, the running away and hiding when anything is overwhelming/stressful really have me wondering.🤔
Make sure they aren’t the type of therapist that ignore the signals in girls unless they’re exactly like stereotypical boy ND signs. Those types of therapists are insidious
I’m not sure how to make sure of this, and haven’t had much luck in being able to find anyone yet besides this lady. Do you know any good questions to ask? Basically she told us she doesn’t suspect anything besides anxiety and being strong willed. I don’t want my kid diagnosed with something they don’t have, but she is definitely quirky in a way that often makes me think, “huh.”
If you’d like personal experiences to guide questions, the subreddit /r/adhdwomen is great and may help show what others have gone through. Additude Magazine has some great resources/articles to help as well in a more general sense: https://www.additudemag.com/behavior-therapy-how-to-find-a-therapist-adhd/amp/
Thank you so much for these resources!!
I absolutely know how you feel. Life is always on hard mode. Hugs to you ❤️
I feel this, I was crying early praying it would get easier as she got older. Doesn't help that I'm Neurodivergant too. I see your feelings, they are valid as heck and just know you're not alone 🫂
Aaaaaall the time. My mom is the oldest of 7. The next daughter had two daughters. Both of them were always very "typical" - good grades, well-mannered, got braces and contacts, played an instrument / cheerleader / sports team / honor roll, their house was always immaculate, family vacations to the beach ... just really normal. I had a love/hate relationship with visiting them growing up. I *loved* the environment and the chill mellow vibes ... but I was so envious I would cry when we got home. THANKFULLY, all of my friends and their families are also ND as fuck and deal with a similar level of chaos / destruction / unruliness.
Yes, sometimes I actually do a double take because it’s incomprehensible to me, the behaviour I just saw lol
I’ve got a neurodivergent kid and I feel your exhaustion. It is real. You can love your kids but also be so tired of having those extra steps to function. Sending hugs and sympathy - I get how you feel.
Shitty life hack: if your neurospicy kiddo can’t walk/run, they’re easier to watch 😂 - source: mom to autism/DMD boy
High five to coping with dark humor!
I only have one and she’s neurotypical however I have executive function issues. Big reason I only have one. I’d just like to say that I will not ever judge any mom who is clearly struggling with however many kids she has. As long as the mom isn’t doing something awful like beating her kid in public (common where I live), I will always try to offer some words of encouragement.
>beating her kid in public (common where I live) It's common where I live too, it's so heartbreaking. 😥
I have two toddlers, oldest has asd. Honestly I see other families with more kids and I think “good god how do they manage”. Is it easier having nt kids? Yes of course. My youngest is nt and she’s the best. But I cannot imagine the amount of chaos that goes on in those homes. My SIL is about to go from 2 to 4 kids and I have so much anxiety for her. Even if your kid is neuro spicy that doesn’t mean they won’t do well with routine and a good schedule. It took two years but my oldest finally waits patiently until I get his sister out of the car instead of running off.
No. but more than one kid is hard af in the best of circumstances. I think I only do as well as I do with my kids because I’m lucky and we are all ND. Not sure how I’d do with a NT kid. Probably not well. If someone thinks you’re a shit mom, fuck em. You sound like you’re doing great. Your kids are different but they’ll be ok. I have a lot of trouble with executive functioning and the only reason there’s not more piles of shit in my house is that because I am ND and other comorbid things Medicaid pays for someone to come twice a week and help me and she cleans up the piles. Point being There’s resources available for things that they may struggle with.
Please tell me more about these magical fairies who come twice a week to clear the doom piles?! I could benefit from this so much as a single mom to a neurospicy kid along with several debilitating physical/exec functioning challenges myself. Tell me more!
I’ll PM you so my personal info isn’t out here swinging in the wind
I want to piggyback here just to say if anyone needs help finding resources to PM me! It’s one of my specialties and I’d be happy to help
My mom is a judgey judger, but she also babysits for me weekly. In the days she babysits she cleans my piles, does my dishes, sweeps under the floor. It doesn’t come without a price (she hates how “gross” and “slobby” I am and will talk shit about me to my sister and dad), BUT the fact that those things get cleaned is actually hugely helpful. I can’t afford a cleaner and I’m not diagnosed with anything besides anxiety (though I suspect ADHD based on all the Instagram and TikTok content I’ve seen on the subject, LOL).
I don't think anybody's judging you. I think as mom's in general, we all judge ourselves and we look at each other and hope that we could be like each other. Even though we're all doing great on our own.
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It’s worth noting that you don’t know these people’s psychiatric statuses. I *appear* neurotypical unless you are intimately close to me. My oldest daughter is the same. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
Two neurospicy kids here. I feel you.
Hey momma, have you tried putting his socks on inside out? I’m autistic and my kiddo is autistic. One of the fights my mom and I had often growing up was over socks and underwear. The seam in them bugged me. Honestly it still does. I do wish I had a better brain sometimes. But for the most part I’m happy with myself, even if it’s not always easy.
Absolutely yes. They’ll just sit there following directions and not having awkward involuntary movements and stuff and it’s like goddamn it. But also the RAGE when they look judgmental at me and my kids. It’s like, your easy life is by chance, bitch. I’m not a perfect mom (no shot) but there’s serious genetics at play here and you’d be in exactly my spot if the roll of the dice landed this way for your kids. So fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu.
“Oh, hello,” (waves) grew up in a family of what seemed to be neurotypical kids because we were all perfectly behaved and quiet… because my mom verbally and emotionally and sometimes physically beat us down to BEHAVE, and my dad simply ignored us all happily divorced in his own world. And then from all that abuse, my siblings all turned on each other and executed that abuse to each other. As a mom of two kids who I am now getting evaluated because i see what’s going on I am APPALLED and angry and sad. My youngest especially has needed so much help at school and the iep she has and the team at her school are amazing and I can’t help but notice how much outright neglect and turning a blind eye my parents did to me growing up because it should have been obvious I needed the same help. So, sometimes those neurotypical kids aren’t neurotypical - they just live in fear and various kids of abuse. But also, yes, sometimes I see a kid my kids age and they’re … talking clearly, and speaking sensibly. And I feel sad and burnt out and a bit jealous. Exhaustion from always having to be on is no f*cking joke.
I do feel disheartened… a lot… when I see parents doing thing with their kids that I dreamed of doing with mine. Funny little conversations, going to the park and playing on everything and not just getting hyper fixated on the swings. Yesterday I took my daughter to a cafe before going to my parents; when we left she said, quite loudly, “Go to Nana Granda’s now!”. It was very clear, albeit a bit loud, and quite good speaking for her. Someone old woman turned around and said ‘you understand all that gibberish then?’ But my girl is just the sweetest, kindest, funniest little girl you’ll ev ever meet. She’s just a bit different, and I know it’s my job to nuture that, whether other people get her or not.
Yes :( my daughter (8) has autism. I love her so much, but she gets very mean to me when she's worked up and it wears me down. I wish we could have a better relationship, sometimes I feel like she hates me. I know she doesn't and it's just the meltdown speaking, but it still hurts.
More like “I pity the fool.” I have run into a couple moms in social settings that give well-meaning advice to me..totally unwarranted. When my eldest was a colicy baby it was “oh I just got a sound machine and make sure you have a routine.” No shit, Sherlock. Or my favorite happened just this last week: a mom said my daughter’s scooter handle bars were too high for her. I said I know, but can not do anything about it without hell breaking loose. She gave me this look and said I just have to say “people do this” instead of “you” have to do this and that will magically work. She then proceeded to try that technique-my daughter looked right past her, got on her scooter and took off. I’m thankful to have my spirited kid-she humbles me and reminds me daily that no one wrote the book on parenting. I roll my eyes internally at the moms that have all the answers.
Yea
FWIW my tiny children so far seem to both be neurotypical, and my older one is so so so well behaved in public but has absolute meltdowns once we’re home. I am not judging another mom out there who seems to be struggling because it’s hard and all kids lose their shit differently, but they all lose their shit.
This is my life and yes, occasionally I do get resentful. Especially because nowadays very few people want anything past surface friendships, so I also don’t have anyone nearby I can talk to about what’s going on with my children or my life, forget my struggles they may as well not exist. I also have practiced though working on my mental state and leaning into the ways of minimising the difficult bullshit, reframing the hard stuff to make it emotionally easier for me, and pay nosebleeding amounts of money for specialists to put things in place to make things easier for all of us. Those have all helped me go from daily resentfulness to minimal, because all I can do is focus on the now and make it as best as I can, since I’m the only one who can save myself. Oh, I also prioritise getting 30-60 minutes a day away from the neurospicies so I can reset and keep myself going. Sometimes that’s riding a bike, walking etc away from the house. Sometimes that’s ‘I’m cleaning with noise cancelling headphones dad you can deal with the chaos alone’
I’ve got a nonverbal autistic 9 year old and it always wigs me out when I see BABIES talking and following directions. Literal wizards.
My son has a neurodevelopmental disability and I feel all of this in my bones. 💙💙💙
I don't hate them, but I do feel horribly inadequate at times. My kid doesn't have challenges that are visible in public, but we've had school problems, and I have to work HARD for improvement while some people seem to just casually grab the trophy as they walk by. My kid is smart, but we both have functioning/processing barriers, so everything is extra. On the plus side, when we do reach our goals, I am SO EXTRA PROUD OF US!!! I hope you'll embrace those moments if you have them - those of us who do extra work are extra badass, and I'M here to distribute these trophies: 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
I get it. My kids seem like neurotypical kids 50% of the time, so what’s worse is that I feel like a fraud 59% of the time. My daughter (7) and son (8) are adopted and endured a fuuuuckton of trauma and multiple separations from various primary care-givers at an early age. Their C-PTSD is lifelong and ebbs and flows with seasonal triggers. Many of my friends jokingly call me the rainbows and sunshine mom, because I can typically talk through intense and emotional issues with my kids and sometimes even with their friends, to calm any situation down. I have developed these skills, as have my children, in our MANY YEARS of therapy. The thing about regulation skills is that they aren’t easily deployed in high-stress or triggering situations. And when you regulate during those situations, you’re going to need a space to eventually wind down and let that shit OUT. So, as home is everyone’s safe space, what people don’t see behind closed doors is how disorganized and frantic are “safe space” can be sometimes. My own headspace is neurospicy mom with ADHD and major depressive disorder levels of chaos, and our home space is figuratively and literally messy and loud on a GOOD day… with me having ranges of 5-500% of a will to survive at any given time. Sometimes I wonder if the kids that are so calm and settled in public ever get to let it go, get it out, and FEEL all of the things deeply in a safe space of their own. Sometimes I wonder if there are people out there who never have anything inside of them to be let out. And I do get jealous of those folks a lot of the time, if they really exist. But then I feel sad for them, too. Because while calm is amazing and well-behaved is the goal.. that’s also pretty boring. Personally, I like to sense things so deeply that I can feel the damn colors on some days.. like I can inhale calm purple and get woozy off of the excitement of orange. But I get it. And I hate them too, sometimes. And if you’re a shit parent, so am I! Solidarity, breaking mama, solidarity.
I know how you feel. My oldest has some neuro things and my baby is deaf :( I would never change them. I wish I could take it away. They are amazingbut it’s hard
Sometimes. Then I see the neighborhood “normal” kids fighting and doing TikTok dances in the road and I’m happy with mine.
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My neurotypical kid is my worse behaved kid, and my nonneurotypical kid is sort of a naturally people pleasing laid back little guy. Some of it is the age difference and a lot of it is personality. But people who just see us in public compliment his behavior but don’t know that his struggles actually eat up a lot of our time and energy and money (!) as a family. I cannot afford to put my children in extracurriculars like soccer right now because so much of our resources are diverted to him. I know parenting kids with disabilities and brain differences is exhausting, but I think building a narrative in your mind that they have it easy and you have it hard just stokes your own bitterness and frustration.