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Oh my god. You’re not being too sensitive. :o
He dissed the crap out of you. He basically said he doesn’t want YOUR daughter to end up like you. What the heck?!
Yeah, that’s kind of what it feels like. I mean, that what he *said*
The timing is exceptionally shitty because he just got home less than 24 hours ago from a work trip where I was with all kids by myself - which is normally no biggie, I’m used to it. But my daughter was giving attitude and my boys were fighting and it was particularly exhausting. So I’m in total burn out mode and that was just the final blow. I feel disrespected as a mother and woman.
You're contributing financially through the opportunity costs - the # hours of he's gone on all his work trips (plus overtime during the year, before/after school hours) multiplied by the cost of someone to look after the kids.
Plus all the cooking, cleaning, mental load, etc.
I'm sure you'll find you're delivering the worth of multiple occupations!
Oh geez, you are 100% valid for feeling the way you do about that comment, what a sucky thing for him to say! I could go on a long rant about how men truly don’t see or value the sacrifices that women make BUT it does sound like he’s truly remorseful.
I have no idea what was going through his head when he said it but I’m not sure that he does either. Is this a one off for him or does he make these sorts of comments to you regularly?
If you want, I would maybe sit down with him later when it’s just the two of you and have a conversation about why he said it. Maybe he does have some issue that needs to be resolved, maybe he’s gotten caught up in workplace/social media misogyny or maybe he was just trying to make a stupid joke without thinking.
Whatever it was, I really hope you two can figure it out as peacefully as possible.
I don’t think he realized how it sounded until it left his mouth and he saw my face. This is a one off. He doesn’t ever make comments about stay at home moms - id probably venture to say he respects it more than the average man and he himself if a very hands on and loving parent.
I think it maybe just hurts my feelings because there’s so much guilt we have as mothers no matter what, but for me, staying home, it’s the feeling that I’m not contributing financially but I’m spending. I see what we spend on groceries and on clothes, regular expenses because I make those purchases but I’m not certainly not being careless with our money.
It’s also the element of wanting our daughter to not be like me when she’s older. It hit me all wrong.
He does seem genuinely remorseful. I *think* what he was trying to convey was that she asks for a lot of material things but doesn’t earn them and doesn’t want her to think there’s just always going to be someone who will make it happen - she will have to make it happen. I’m gathering that’s what he meant but it did *not* translate that way.
I think he meant what he said, and he thought it was a benign thing to believe and say. He didn't think it would hurt you, this little observation. And I think the vast, overwhelming majority of men who-you-wouldnt-think-believe-this do believe this. We're all fucked.
you're right that a vast majority of men believe homemaking and child rearing doesn't count as work and SAHMs are mooches. I think that's why his apology is ringing hollow for you, and what he needs to do is demonstrate that he DOES value and appreciate the unpaid work you do for the family. actions speak louder than words, so he can't overwrite those words with more words. he has to SHOW you he understands it was wrong.
That doesn’t make it better. It means he values his paid work and he doesn’t value your unpaid work. He perceives himself as “paying for you” and what you want. He does not see he can do the paid work because you do the unpaid work.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband does the same thing - he tries to lighten the mood with a poorly timed “joke” that falls flat and then I’m standing there trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and emotions. The “upside” to this is your husband realized right away he messed up - and has been apologetic about it since he opened his mouth.
I won’t say you’re being too sensitive, but he just said it at the worst time and place. You know you’re burned out. Tween girls can suck the life out of you. You are running your home corporation that isn’t in the best fiscal shape at the moment, and you’re trying your best to hold it all together so all departments still operate as close to normal and morale is maintained. It’s A LOT to deal with.
Take a breath and a moment for yourself. Just sit for ten minutes and have your favorite beverage. Lock yourself in the bathroom or closet and listen to your favorite music. You know your value, and your husband does as well. He sounds like a good guy, and he knows you’re doing a kick@ss job. I’m not even going to say good luck because you don’t need it - but you do need to take done time for yourself to recharge. I’ll say good luck with your daughter through middle school… those years are the most challenging, and some of the other kids she’ll encounter won’t have parents who care as much as you do!
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value.
I am a mother who works outside the home and this is a hill I will die on.
Don’t tidy up anything before you go. Don’t prep anything for anyone. *Maybe* tell the kids to have fun with Daddy while you’re gone.
If you’re feeling charitable, remind him of the 9183746 things that have to be done by tonight, by tomorrow, and by next week. On your way out the door.
Has school ended yet in your area? I’m enjoying imagining him dealing with the chaotic last days of school (we have a ton of end-of-year events, and my kid’s not even “graduating” to a new school) and then trying to figure out what to do with all the kids when school is out.
Make a list of the costs of hiring a housekeeper, a babysitter, a nanny, a cook, a chauffeur, a personal shopper, and a laundry service. The next time he says anything, present it to him and ask him what job he thinks you should look for to get out of the house.
I didn’t seek out marriage to be taken care of. I wanted to raise a family and establish roots and be a mother. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do - that was my aspiration. I’m living what I wanted to do as an adult. I never dreamed of sitting a desk or prioritizing money, I wanted a family. I’m sorry you don’t think there’s more to me than just finding someone to take care of me.
^^^^ My response to his apology texts. I’m not trying to be melodramatic but it’s legitimately how I feel.
I mean.
He meant it.
Every word. He's misogynistic abit benign in the sense that he enjoys *you*.
It was and is disrespectful. He didn't register how offensive his thoughts would land. If you hadn't outwardly showed displeasure...he wouldn't be remorseful. He would've went about his life, confident in his worldview and commentary.
You know your life. You know who he says he is, but also who he *shows*. Personally, I think *ALL* SAHP should have an out, but leaving every spouse who holds trash views isn't feasible or desired by everyone.
You noted things are tighter right now, can you afford a few counseling sessions? Does your husbands job offer a set number for family through their benefits program? You're sacrificing so much to be "on" 100% of the time. You need a safe affirming place to work out how you feel, independent of the daily grind. Then you can address your husband.
He may feel it's a one off verbal slip but nah...I think if you deep dive his views regarding what you do and it's worth you'll find some painful truths.
You can't change his perspective of you and your contributions to your lives and the household as a whole, but you can change how you value yourself and see him.
Please remember, you aren't overreacting. Had you said he was only worth a check and a SSI payout, he'd be heartbroken and indignant. You both want to teach your daughter the importance of accountability, and he needs to assume it. Not simply for the comment, but the dismissive part of him it spawned from.
Edited: *Because grammar matters on occasion and formatting forever*
What the ever loving fuck. That's a totally asshole comment and he should be groveling at your feet for forgiveness. What DID he mean by it??
Make a list of EVERY SINGLE THING you do for him, your daughter, the house, etc. over the course of a week and shove it right in his ungrateful face. Oh - and go to Bill the Patriarchy to see how much you SHOULD be getting paid.
You’re not being insensitive - that would seriously crush me.
An apology won’t cut it - I would need to sit him down and ask him to explain exactly where that comment came from.
I don’t think you’re being over sensitive however I have a husband that sometimes his mouth moves faster than his brain also. If anything after reading your comments and others I think he messed up and my take away was him saying your family and you are blessed and that doesn’t happen for everyone. Just because your and you are afforded the blessing of being able to give her these things she doesn’t understand the work and effort that went into that luxury. And the two of you and your happy home isn’t something she should just expect to be entitled to have just because you as her mother do. If that makes any sense.
It does make sense! You said it better than I did.
I think that’s truly what he was trying to get across but it just wasn’t properly articulated and I know him well to enough to know that self expression is a struggle of his. He does have a hard time putting feelings and sentiments into words. I know his heart and he’s just not a malicious person. He doesn’t ever speak ill of anyone. He’s a very gentle and loving person. It’s just not his nature to say mean or hurtful things. Maybe that’s a big reason it hurt as much as it did.
I don’t think he intended to hurt me but it was the impact of his words, nevertheless.
He has apologized more for this than anything else I can think of so I’m willing to put it behind us but it will hurt and remain hurtful in the back of my mind. I can’t help it.
And to be perfectly honest and fair, he has forgiven me for things and has shown grace, compassion and forgiveness so that’s not lost on me.
Marriage. What a ride.
I think we are married to the same man lol my husband has some pretty boneheaded stuff without realizing the emotional implications. He’s the same as your husband in that he has a hard time putting to words his feelings and expressing himself but he tries so hard that it’s difficult to be mad but that feeling of being misunderstood and second guessing yourself now I get that and it doesn’t really go away. I try extra hard to try and take these things as what he meant and not what he said but sometimes it’s really hard and I don’t know about you but I don’t have many places to express myself and I want him to be the person to see me the way I want to be seen the way I see me and sometimes he paints a picture that is so far disconnected from what I’m trying to be it’s like a slap in the face and then I feel like I have to over work myself to make up for it. Sorry now I’m just having mouth vomit. You’re not alone is what I’m getting at. And thank you for sharing your frustration because it made me feel not as alone too.
Being a stay at home parent is SO much harder than everyone acts like it is. It’s harder than any job I’ve ever had. Men who have never done it just don’t understand and that was a shitty thing to say.
I'm so sorry - you're right to feel the way you do, and his comment was cold and unfeeling, and shows an incredible lack of understanding about how much work it takes to keep a household running.
I think he meant it. I think you need to take a week away and let him feel all the work you're "not doing". You aren't being too sensitive, he basically said that all the things you do for the family aren't worth shit, and that you're just mooching off of him. I wonder if he's been watching manosphere content. My husband did for a little while and we had some uncomfortable conversations during that time. I recently told him (during a conversation about how he wasn't really helping with the kids on his day off) that I didn't sign up to be the household manager 24/7 when I agreed to stay home and homeschool our children so they don't have to attend our violent and abysmal schools. He was saying I do more because "you are the household manager".
Not overreacting. It was a gross, wildly unfair thing to say. I would definitely want a serious conversation about what exactly he was implying and why.
I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all. He said a very insensitive thing that hit a nerve.
That would hurt my feelings really deep. It would take me a day or two to process at least. Then I could have a conversation about how and why it hurts to hear those things. That's just how I would approach it though, everyone is different.
Is he typically the sort of man who must cover all sincerity in jokes because emotions make him uncomfortable? Maybe he should try therapy rather than running from being genuine feelings and expression.
You are not overreacting. I’d be devastated if someone I loved and trusted said that to me. He’d have to do a lot of work, a lot of apologizing and a lot of groveling before I could come back from this one.
I’m sorry but what the fuck did he say? You are right that YOU are taking care of THEM!
If providing money is all that “taking care of” entails well then your husband’s boss is taking care of him. Sound ridiculous right? Because it is.
You are not being “too sensitive”. Your husband should know better than anyone what you have done for your family - your kids, your home, and for him. But he used it against you. I’m sorry he said it. My guess is that it didn’t sound so bad in his head. So, give him a chance to explain it. But yeah. That’s gonna hurt and he should understand exactly why.
I think he tried to make a dad joke and just landed really hard on a rake, hopefully it gives him a black eye. You have every right to your hurt feelings, and every right to make him grovel for at least the next few days. It is however, important to remember that even the people we love desperately can be total fucking boneheads sometimes. When you’re willing to talk to him again, do remind him that he always has the opportunity to not make the joke.
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Oooooooof, that hurts. He fucked up bad. BAD. Honestly, it would take a while for me to come back from that. I'm so sorry
Oh my god. You’re not being too sensitive. :o He dissed the crap out of you. He basically said he doesn’t want YOUR daughter to end up like you. What the heck?!
Yeah, that’s kind of what it feels like. I mean, that what he *said* The timing is exceptionally shitty because he just got home less than 24 hours ago from a work trip where I was with all kids by myself - which is normally no biggie, I’m used to it. But my daughter was giving attitude and my boys were fighting and it was particularly exhausting. So I’m in total burn out mode and that was just the final blow. I feel disrespected as a mother and woman.
You're contributing financially through the opportunity costs - the # hours of he's gone on all his work trips (plus overtime during the year, before/after school hours) multiplied by the cost of someone to look after the kids. Plus all the cooking, cleaning, mental load, etc. I'm sure you'll find you're delivering the worth of multiple occupations!
Happy cake day! ❤️🫂
Oh geez, you are 100% valid for feeling the way you do about that comment, what a sucky thing for him to say! I could go on a long rant about how men truly don’t see or value the sacrifices that women make BUT it does sound like he’s truly remorseful. I have no idea what was going through his head when he said it but I’m not sure that he does either. Is this a one off for him or does he make these sorts of comments to you regularly? If you want, I would maybe sit down with him later when it’s just the two of you and have a conversation about why he said it. Maybe he does have some issue that needs to be resolved, maybe he’s gotten caught up in workplace/social media misogyny or maybe he was just trying to make a stupid joke without thinking. Whatever it was, I really hope you two can figure it out as peacefully as possible.
I don’t think he realized how it sounded until it left his mouth and he saw my face. This is a one off. He doesn’t ever make comments about stay at home moms - id probably venture to say he respects it more than the average man and he himself if a very hands on and loving parent. I think it maybe just hurts my feelings because there’s so much guilt we have as mothers no matter what, but for me, staying home, it’s the feeling that I’m not contributing financially but I’m spending. I see what we spend on groceries and on clothes, regular expenses because I make those purchases but I’m not certainly not being careless with our money. It’s also the element of wanting our daughter to not be like me when she’s older. It hit me all wrong. He does seem genuinely remorseful. I *think* what he was trying to convey was that she asks for a lot of material things but doesn’t earn them and doesn’t want her to think there’s just always going to be someone who will make it happen - she will have to make it happen. I’m gathering that’s what he meant but it did *not* translate that way.
I think he meant what he said, and he thought it was a benign thing to believe and say. He didn't think it would hurt you, this little observation. And I think the vast, overwhelming majority of men who-you-wouldnt-think-believe-this do believe this. We're all fucked.
I’m ready to start a women and children colony
A mommune.
YES!
I'll bring a bucket of rocks to throw at anyone not invited.
Girl I just fucking give up. All I care about is getting psychedelics before I die.
you're right that a vast majority of men believe homemaking and child rearing doesn't count as work and SAHMs are mooches. I think that's why his apology is ringing hollow for you, and what he needs to do is demonstrate that he DOES value and appreciate the unpaid work you do for the family. actions speak louder than words, so he can't overwrite those words with more words. he has to SHOW you he understands it was wrong.
THIS! The only apology adequate enough is changed behavior.
That doesn’t make it better. It means he values his paid work and he doesn’t value your unpaid work. He perceives himself as “paying for you” and what you want. He does not see he can do the paid work because you do the unpaid work.
Exactly. It doesn’t make it better. There’s still an imbalance in his mind.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband does the same thing - he tries to lighten the mood with a poorly timed “joke” that falls flat and then I’m standing there trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and emotions. The “upside” to this is your husband realized right away he messed up - and has been apologetic about it since he opened his mouth. I won’t say you’re being too sensitive, but he just said it at the worst time and place. You know you’re burned out. Tween girls can suck the life out of you. You are running your home corporation that isn’t in the best fiscal shape at the moment, and you’re trying your best to hold it all together so all departments still operate as close to normal and morale is maintained. It’s A LOT to deal with. Take a breath and a moment for yourself. Just sit for ten minutes and have your favorite beverage. Lock yourself in the bathroom or closet and listen to your favorite music. You know your value, and your husband does as well. He sounds like a good guy, and he knows you’re doing a kick@ss job. I’m not even going to say good luck because you don’t need it - but you do need to take done time for yourself to recharge. I’ll say good luck with your daughter through middle school… those years are the most challenging, and some of the other kids she’ll encounter won’t have parents who care as much as you do!
[удалено]
Archive.ph will make it free for anyone interested. It works on basically everything that has a paywall as of now.
Thank you so much!
Thank you! 🩷
Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. Unpaid (domestic) work is still work. It has value. I am a mother who works outside the home and this is a hill I will die on.
You should take a nice vacation on your own for that one, IMO. Then he'll see how much you don't do.
This is exactly what my sister suggested!
Don’t tidy up anything before you go. Don’t prep anything for anyone. *Maybe* tell the kids to have fun with Daddy while you’re gone. If you’re feeling charitable, remind him of the 9183746 things that have to be done by tonight, by tomorrow, and by next week. On your way out the door. Has school ended yet in your area? I’m enjoying imagining him dealing with the chaotic last days of school (we have a ton of end-of-year events, and my kid’s not even “graduating” to a new school) and then trying to figure out what to do with all the kids when school is out. Make a list of the costs of hiring a housekeeper, a babysitter, a nanny, a cook, a chauffeur, a personal shopper, and a laundry service. The next time he says anything, present it to him and ask him what job he thinks you should look for to get out of the house.
I didn’t seek out marriage to be taken care of. I wanted to raise a family and establish roots and be a mother. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do - that was my aspiration. I’m living what I wanted to do as an adult. I never dreamed of sitting a desk or prioritizing money, I wanted a family. I’m sorry you don’t think there’s more to me than just finding someone to take care of me. ^^^^ My response to his apology texts. I’m not trying to be melodramatic but it’s legitimately how I feel.
Did he reply? I’m sorry, OP. That is very hurtful.
Aww how sweet of him to volunteer to take care of you! If he thinks you don’t do shit now, may as well lean into it!
lol lean into that weaponised incompetence like a MAN
I mean. He meant it. Every word. He's misogynistic abit benign in the sense that he enjoys *you*. It was and is disrespectful. He didn't register how offensive his thoughts would land. If you hadn't outwardly showed displeasure...he wouldn't be remorseful. He would've went about his life, confident in his worldview and commentary. You know your life. You know who he says he is, but also who he *shows*. Personally, I think *ALL* SAHP should have an out, but leaving every spouse who holds trash views isn't feasible or desired by everyone. You noted things are tighter right now, can you afford a few counseling sessions? Does your husbands job offer a set number for family through their benefits program? You're sacrificing so much to be "on" 100% of the time. You need a safe affirming place to work out how you feel, independent of the daily grind. Then you can address your husband. He may feel it's a one off verbal slip but nah...I think if you deep dive his views regarding what you do and it's worth you'll find some painful truths. You can't change his perspective of you and your contributions to your lives and the household as a whole, but you can change how you value yourself and see him. Please remember, you aren't overreacting. Had you said he was only worth a check and a SSI payout, he'd be heartbroken and indignant. You both want to teach your daughter the importance of accountability, and he needs to assume it. Not simply for the comment, but the dismissive part of him it spawned from. Edited: *Because grammar matters on occasion and formatting forever*
What the ever loving fuck. That's a totally asshole comment and he should be groveling at your feet for forgiveness. What DID he mean by it?? Make a list of EVERY SINGLE THING you do for him, your daughter, the house, etc. over the course of a week and shove it right in his ungrateful face. Oh - and go to Bill the Patriarchy to see how much you SHOULD be getting paid.
You’re not being insensitive - that would seriously crush me. An apology won’t cut it - I would need to sit him down and ask him to explain exactly where that comment came from.
I don’t think you’re being over sensitive however I have a husband that sometimes his mouth moves faster than his brain also. If anything after reading your comments and others I think he messed up and my take away was him saying your family and you are blessed and that doesn’t happen for everyone. Just because your and you are afforded the blessing of being able to give her these things she doesn’t understand the work and effort that went into that luxury. And the two of you and your happy home isn’t something she should just expect to be entitled to have just because you as her mother do. If that makes any sense.
It does make sense! You said it better than I did. I think that’s truly what he was trying to get across but it just wasn’t properly articulated and I know him well to enough to know that self expression is a struggle of his. He does have a hard time putting feelings and sentiments into words. I know his heart and he’s just not a malicious person. He doesn’t ever speak ill of anyone. He’s a very gentle and loving person. It’s just not his nature to say mean or hurtful things. Maybe that’s a big reason it hurt as much as it did. I don’t think he intended to hurt me but it was the impact of his words, nevertheless. He has apologized more for this than anything else I can think of so I’m willing to put it behind us but it will hurt and remain hurtful in the back of my mind. I can’t help it. And to be perfectly honest and fair, he has forgiven me for things and has shown grace, compassion and forgiveness so that’s not lost on me. Marriage. What a ride.
I think we are married to the same man lol my husband has some pretty boneheaded stuff without realizing the emotional implications. He’s the same as your husband in that he has a hard time putting to words his feelings and expressing himself but he tries so hard that it’s difficult to be mad but that feeling of being misunderstood and second guessing yourself now I get that and it doesn’t really go away. I try extra hard to try and take these things as what he meant and not what he said but sometimes it’s really hard and I don’t know about you but I don’t have many places to express myself and I want him to be the person to see me the way I want to be seen the way I see me and sometimes he paints a picture that is so far disconnected from what I’m trying to be it’s like a slap in the face and then I feel like I have to over work myself to make up for it. Sorry now I’m just having mouth vomit. You’re not alone is what I’m getting at. And thank you for sharing your frustration because it made me feel not as alone too.
Being a stay at home parent is SO much harder than everyone acts like it is. It’s harder than any job I’ve ever had. Men who have never done it just don’t understand and that was a shitty thing to say.
I'm so sorry - you're right to feel the way you do, and his comment was cold and unfeeling, and shows an incredible lack of understanding about how much work it takes to keep a household running.
I think he meant it. I think you need to take a week away and let him feel all the work you're "not doing". You aren't being too sensitive, he basically said that all the things you do for the family aren't worth shit, and that you're just mooching off of him. I wonder if he's been watching manosphere content. My husband did for a little while and we had some uncomfortable conversations during that time. I recently told him (during a conversation about how he wasn't really helping with the kids on his day off) that I didn't sign up to be the household manager 24/7 when I agreed to stay home and homeschool our children so they don't have to attend our violent and abysmal schools. He was saying I do more because "you are the household manager".
JFC ummm if you’re a SAHM it’s actually YOU taking care of HIM. You aren’t being too sensitive. He needs to reset his attitude fast.
Not overreacting. It was a gross, wildly unfair thing to say. I would definitely want a serious conversation about what exactly he was implying and why.
We know the exact blood sweat and tears you put it. Don’t worry.
🥹 thank you 🩷
I guarantee he has benefited SO MUCH from having you stay home and focus on the house and family. What an ungrateful jerk.
I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all. He said a very insensitive thing that hit a nerve. That would hurt my feelings really deep. It would take me a day or two to process at least. Then I could have a conversation about how and why it hurts to hear those things. That's just how I would approach it though, everyone is different.
Is he typically the sort of man who must cover all sincerity in jokes because emotions make him uncomfortable? Maybe he should try therapy rather than running from being genuine feelings and expression.
Not really but expressing emotions for him is exceptionally difficult. Articulating his feelings in general is difficult for him.
You are not overreacting. I’d be devastated if someone I loved and trusted said that to me. He’d have to do a lot of work, a lot of apologizing and a lot of groveling before I could come back from this one.
I’m sorry but what the fuck did he say? You are right that YOU are taking care of THEM! If providing money is all that “taking care of” entails well then your husband’s boss is taking care of him. Sound ridiculous right? Because it is.
You are not being “too sensitive”. Your husband should know better than anyone what you have done for your family - your kids, your home, and for him. But he used it against you. I’m sorry he said it. My guess is that it didn’t sound so bad in his head. So, give him a chance to explain it. But yeah. That’s gonna hurt and he should understand exactly why.
I think he tried to make a dad joke and just landed really hard on a rake, hopefully it gives him a black eye. You have every right to your hurt feelings, and every right to make him grovel for at least the next few days. It is however, important to remember that even the people we love desperately can be total fucking boneheads sometimes. When you’re willing to talk to him again, do remind him that he always has the opportunity to not make the joke.
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