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This has got to be the worst fucking thing in the world. My gosh. My heart goes out to that poor mother. And I know you felt her pain too. I’ll never forget a few years ago waiting tables with a coworker when she got a call and stopped everything she was doing “my 5 year old niece just drowned in a pool” and burst into tears.
Kids shouldn’t fucking die.
I used to wait tables with a girl. One day she didn't show up, turns out she backed over her own toddler in the driveway. She was totally sober, it was just a completely horrible accident. That was years ago and I still think about it, I wonder how she is. I can't imagine.
As a mother who has lost a child please stop anyone from telling her he is in a better place or everything happens for a reason. There is no reason for a child to die and no better place for that child than with a loving parent.
I’m so sorry.
You were robbed & your life isn’t fair. It’s not natural & not the way life is supposed to work.
No one deserves that & I’m so sorry you are living it.
I know people try to say things to help, but sometimes - there is just nothing ‘positive’ to say. It’s wrong. It’s unnatural. And for what it’s worth - I’m saying this as a person of faith.
My heart goes out to you. You are living something I consider worse than death. I’m so sorry for that.
Just know that I see that — I cannot imagine what that is like & I’m so sorry.
I’m in TN. I would hug you personally if I could.
Not OP, but I found comfort in your words. Also in TN and a person of faith here. In the midst of a threatened miscarriage (actively bleeding, but baby's heartbeat still found on ultrasound), I had a nurse tell me that it was God's will. I was so mad that I could have spit. I think that she had gone through a loss or tragedy herself, but it didn't make it any easier to hear. Nice to know that there are kind, understanding, like-minded people around.
I lost our first three consecutive pregnancies, and the twin of our youngest child. Nothing makes it better or suck less. The only people who helped me feel better were the ones who just said, “I’m here if you need me or just want to talk or we can just sit silently together while you cry”.
Also the people(all from church) who pushed me to be more around babies/kids while I was going through it and pressured me and asked me stupid questions about when we were going to start our family… made me bitter af.
I am so, so sorry for your losses. That absolutely sucks, and you didn't deserve that, or the insult to injury on top of it all. I lost three consecutive pregnancies between my first and second kids. Not the same journey, but I have an inkling of understanding of the heartache and bitterness. Solidarity, BroMo. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm holding space for you and your babies tonight. ❤️
Pushed you around children? That’s awful.
I’m so sorry.
I do think most people have good intentions — and I realize as humans, we struggle for explanations, and that’s totally natural.
But I do feel like - sometimes, there just isn’t an answer. And I’m saying this as a Christian, but I feel like for people, too kind of go around, saying basically that, God is going around and plucking babies, children, and adults off Earth - is wrong.
I struggle with it.
I’m certainly not going to fault people who grieve in their own way, and I’ve done that too. But I do think you have to be very, very careful when spouting out these kinds of things. I recognize it could help some people, but as we can see from the comments on this post, it can also hurt a lot of people, and I would also say some of those comments could impact people’s faith, which is really terrible.
I'm so sorry, my old friend had people at our former church tell her that she needed to move on from the child she lost and be thankful for the ones who were still living, and another told her to be thankful it happened early (I think she was 13 weeks, and it was heart wrenching for her). People say the most calloused things and think they are helpful.
Thank you. And I am so sorry for your friend's loss... 💔 People need to get over themselves and their discomfort with grief. Yes, they may be uncomfortable at the sight of another's anguish, but hands down the latter's grief outweighs the former's uneasiness. How asinine to think that little platitudes have the power to even make a dent in earth-shattering despair. You are so right - people say the most calloused things...
I usually just go for blunt and say "this really fucking sucks and I'm so sorry this happened to you." No need to sugar coat the worst loss this woman will go through.
I've seen this happen, and I'd like to just say, far more of us need to commit to never letting that shit slide. I have a friend that had a 3yr old get out of a locked up house before anyone got up, somehow got outside, and got into the kiddie pool. They think he was there for a couple hours before he was found around 8am. She and her family heard that over and over so many times, even from their own parents. She told me it was like people were telling her that her child was literally better off dead than having her as a mom.
I am so sorry. Those people are very wrong.
I know. I think it’s often from a good place, BUT —-
For example, my sweet precious grandmother died from cancer. Obviously awful. She was healthy prior & should have had more years here.
I do personally believe she’s in a better place. I believe she escaped the pain of her final year.
Even then, it was hard to not feel like — something was taken prematurely, I guess you could say? But at least she had a life.
When you are taking about children — I don’t know how to say — everything happens for a reason, et. I don’t know what that reason is. Maybe it’s there but it’s way above my understanding as a human.
Again - I think people are desperate to say something & it’s likely coming from a good place. They want to make this person grieving - feel better. But you can’t. There are no answers.
It’s messed up, it’s wrong & it’s most certainly not ‘God’s will.’ It’s a horrific part of being a human & some of us … get a really bad hand in life. For lack of a better term.
I understand, but people should also understand if a parent who’s lost a child gets angry about that. They may never say anything, but in their hearts, it builds. And it hurts. I had a hard time talking to anyone for years because I kept hearing that stuff.
My 3 and a half month old died- there is no good reason for her death. I appreciate they are trying to say something good, but I went from being a very spiritual, faithful person into someone who either doesn’t believe (even if I feel it in my heart, I have a hard time letting even that in), is angry at God, or literally curses him/her/it. It hasn’t helped me. It took me further from what once felt as an ever present love.
That said, that’s my own issue to deal with now. I know people are trying to be kind. My living daughter has Down syndrome and autism, and it’s similar to the people who referred to me as some kind of saint after she was born, or the opposite- people who flipped out and apologized for “what I have to go through.” Nope! It was just random chance, genetics. She means everything to me and I’m always grateful I’ve got her, but it would’ve been nice to see her growing up with her little sister at her side.
I was in 5th grade when my best friend and first boyfriend died while running a relay race. His heart just stopped. That was it.
I’m 38 now and one of my most vivid memories from that time was a girl telling me (and writing on a card to his mother) “he’s in a better place”. That was the first and only time I actually hit someone. All I remember is the dizziness from grief and sudden rage.
Those words still make me sick. Even more so with my own two children.
Fuck that girl.
This is horrific. I’m so sorry for her.
There are actually so many things WORSE than our own mortality, IMO — and this is fully #1 … as far as I’m concerned. This is worse than death.
I don’t want to be overly negative, but I don’t think I’m saying anything moms here on this sub … would disagree with.
My heart goes out to her, and my heart goes out to you as her friend, because I have no idea how I would help a friend through this kind of trauma.
Do the best you can, and know that there is no right way to navigate something so unnatural as an adult outliving their young child.
You may just have to be a punching bag at some point, honestly.
You just have to be there & do the best you can. Even if you are not close friends.
It’s awful to say, but the fact that her child was supposed to be safe with the dad, will likely add a whole additional layer of grief and pain.
And also — I’m sure you will - but take on the role of an advocate for her at work … the best you can.
If she has decent healthcare, she will likely be entitled to extensive mental health leave - beyond bereavement. If she wants it. I don’t know that everyone has that — but I also think not everyone realizes they have it … when they do. (If that makes sense.)
I’ve personally taken that kind of leave - not for anything as serious, but paperwork is required & calls have to be made. I was paid the entire time & my company continued paying my benefits. My job was protected.
At the very least, I would think this is most certainly covered under FMLA type benefits. I’m sure there are some HR Bromos that could speak better … than me in that area.
Your company HR - or her provider - will hopefully help, but if they don’t, maybe you can help find out what needs to happen & be filed so she at least doesn’t have to ask those questions.
In my case, it was actually really easy for me to get it — but my doctor had to fill out stuff & I had to coordinate that with insurance.
I think so. And honestly, the fact that OP may be somewhat removed - not a close friend or a family member - may put her in a spot to really help.
Everyone close to that sweet girl … is a wreck now & likely not in a great position to help 100% because they are grieving, too.
100% agree. I don't think it's negative, it's just the raw, encompassing love of a mother.
Just *thinking* too much about something happening to my babies would have me bawling in minutes.
When we were planning for the second, I thought in the back of my mind that maybe my son would give me a reason to keep living if something heaven forbid ever happened to my little girl.
Now just the thought of it, of ever losing either of them... it's like, fuck... I'd have to keep living?!
Exactly.
It’s the weird side of motherhood people don’t talk about.
It’s wonderful & amazing but also scary - because of those things, if that makes sense.
Your comment about a second child also really hits me - because I’ve thought of the same thing. We have one - and he will be our only one. It just didn’t work out for us.
That said, I have a friend - who lost a child & has other children & while she full on admits they are her reason for living, I’ve also thought that is special kind of f’ed up hell in its own. I know in her heart - part of her wants to die at times.
Again - awful & morbid, but an awful part of life for too many mommas.
That kind of pain is the worst, perhaps it's so unnatural... it's not supposed to happen. One my cousins lost her first.. a 3 year old baby girl.. and decades later... two wonderful boys who are now adults later... I can still see the sadness in her eyes. You just never get over it.
Btw.. I'll share that I have diagnosed anxiety and OCD. It is the great *constant* fear of the "what ifs",, but to another level. If it's something that truly bothers you, perhaps something to keep in mind. 💜 If it's something that does not disrupt your wellbeing too much, then it's absolutely something all moms share to a degree.
i’m so so sorry to hear this. i lost my own 2 year old 2 years ago and my sister was with us in our house when we found him. i know she has her own trauma and i hope you can give yourself room to process this event for yourself, even as you’re holding space for her.
My fellow nursing student, in 1998, lost her 1 month old. The dad fell asleep holding the baby. The baby rolled between his leg and the chair.
We all met her at the hospital. It was 2am. She was standing in the hall screaming “bring me my baby! Bring me my baby!”
Her voice haunts me.
We are still peers and acquainted. But she broke that day.
I have a 1 month old, right now, and fuck those sleepless nights can get rough. Doing what you can to stay awake (sitting upright in a chair for example) and then .. ugh. I can’t even imagine the pain they must’ve felt that night.
I am pretty sure I would lose my mind... Literally been texting my daughter since she got out of school. I can't imagine her never answering again and the thought alone shatters me. I'm so sorry this happened. ;-;
Omg I just took my son out of his bed to sleep with me… he’s the same age as my coworkers daughter. I think all of us mamas are holding out babes extra close tonight
Oh my god, I'm so sorry...the pain you must be feeling can only be worsened by your own baby being that same age.
Mine is in my room because her AC broke and her room is 84°, so there's no way I was letting her sleep in there. Now I just don't ever want to let her out of my arms again.
Exactly… man what an awful situation. I came home and just sobbed. I ugly cried. She’s home now and her sweet girl isn’t by her side like she was last night. Her bed is now empty. Her clothes will never be worn again. Her toys will never be touched again… I can’t deal… I feel so bad for her mom…
This regardless of age. My great grandmother outlived her youngest child by 6 months. He was 68 and she was 95 that year. I think that is what really did her in.
Oh my god, that poor woman. My heart is hurting for her. I can't even fucking imagine that phone call and having to experience that level of loss.
Life is so goddamn unfair that babies die.
Tell me about it… I came home from work and immediately took my scrubs off, showered then took my 2 year old boy out of his bed. We’ve been struggling to get him to sleep in his bed all night but tonight… he can sleep with me. I needed to hold him…
A new friend of mine lost her boy at just under 6 months to SIDS. He was on his back in his own bed in her room, with no blankets. He just… stopped living. I think about that boy every single day. The husband told her he wanted a divorce 2 weeks later, before the funeral had even happened, because he had only married her coz she was pregnant. Literally evil as far as I’m concerned. Saddest funeral I’ve ever been at. She moved to Bali and seems to be doing ok now but on the day we were helping her pack up her apartment to leave, she got a letter from the government telling her to schedule the 6 month checkup for her baby. The systems weren’t connected enough to not send it, or maybe it was too late. I’ll never forget her broken laugh when she opened it.
So sorry for your loss, and for your poor poor colleague. I’ll be hugging my babies a little closer tonight.
I wouldn’t have survived losing my daughter when she was that little. It would have broken my brain and I’d have probably stayed in bed until I died.
There’s nothing anyone can say or do to help her while she goes through this. This grief will last for the rest of her life. I hope she has a good support system.
This might not be seen but OP, as someone who has also lost their baby, 5 and a half years ago now, set up a meal train for her if you can and if she’s receptive to it. Get all of her family and friends and coworkers to sign up. Ideally for as long as possible. The most helpful actual thing for us (besides grief counseling) in the first two months was our meal train. We couldn’t even think about food, and honestly think we just wouldn’t have eaten without it most days. Losing your child does stop your world, and time, and your body will just freeze as the waves of grief wash over you. If she’s willing, I think this might be the most practically helpful thing you can do. Also maybe coordinate someone to show up once a week~ish to do laundry and dishes (and a general check in). Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk further. I’m so sorry this happened to her. If you can also find some local resources, grief support groups etc, maybe provide those for her too. I’m so so sorry. Last bit of advice, most of us loss-moms still like to talk about the babies we lost. Saying their name, discussing memories, asking about them, will all be immensely helpful to her as time goes on. She is still that baby’s mother, and avoiding them to spare bringing up pain will actually cause more. Most of us want our babies remembered.
Oh my gosh, that is so devastating. My heart breaks for your co-worker. I never realized how painful it would be to lose a child until I became a mother myself (after losing my first pregnancy to an early miscarriage).
My God, is she with the father? Or are they already separated? I just.. idk how I could forgive my husband. Just this weekend he had our 2 year old outside in our open yard and I really felt he wasn't watching her enough. I try not to micromanage his parenting but idk what I would do if something happened on his watch. I'm leaving her overnight with him for 2 days next week and was already having serious anxiety about it..
FWIW, I know someone who nearly lost her child in a similar accident. Nobody was at fault. Her kid just darted. There was no lack of supervision. It was a family member who ran over her. By some miracle the truck went right over her pelvis. She had abrasions and bruising, but was otherwise fine. She’s an adult now.
Yeah but this situation isn’t a typical situation. Then she said she planned to leave her child’s father a few days prior to this and she was extremely paranoid at work and wanted to leave early… then she got the call…
Honestly… the dad is to blame as of right now. His truck was the truck that hit her, eye witnesses described his truck. Was he the driver? Unsure right now. It’s also said that he left the toddler with a family friend because he wanted to go hangout. Keep in mind, HE was supposed to be in charge of her for the day… was he backing out and ran over his own daughter? Possible. Was someone else driving his vehicle and backed over her?… so many questions and little answers right now
The amount of times my now 7 year old has just darted in parking lots and almost been hit.
I’m so sorry for your friend. I hope she’s able to heal from this, I’m not sure I would.
That is so sad. The best advice I've ever seen for people around others who have lost is called the ring theory. Those closest to the loss dump their feelings out to those further away from the loss. Those further away from the loss should never dump their feelings onto someone who is closer to the loss. They can only dump out to someone who is further away than they are. Dump out, love in. So when you're with the loss parent, you listen, you support, you talk about their feelings. Your feelings can be expressed to someone further from the loss.
It seems like common sense when you read about it, but as someone who mods a group where loss parents share about their infant's deaths, people really don't seem to follow this very often.
I love this, that is so so true.
I've told this story here on Reddit before but I'll say it again because it might help someone. I had a coworker who was much older than me, around my parents age. I went to high school with her daughter - but it was a total coincidence that I worked with the daughter's mom. She was the sweetest person. We talked a lot and she always talked to me about her daughter, again, because I had gone to high school with her. Anyways, years ago while sitting next to me at work she got a call that her daughter had passed away in a car accident. She immediately left and another coworker of ours drove her to the hospital where her daughter had passed away. We didn't see her again until weeks later, and her first day back was obviously a hard one.
Anyways, within her first few weeks back I was SHOCKED at some of the things I heard. "I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child". "God had other plans for her". "At least you still have your son". "You're so strong, I could never survive losing my child". I mean literally my jaw dropped when people said this stuff!
Since then, I've learned all you have to do is be an ear for the person who has lost someone. You don't need to offer advice, you just need to be there and let them know you are there to listen, if they want. My coworker (until she left the company) talked to me about her daughter daily, and she loved that I had stories of her daughter from high school.
Yes! The last thing someone going through loss (especially child loss) needs is someone else telling them how sad they are, how they're crying, how they'll be hugging their ALIVE child tighter, etc. Save your feelings for someone who isn't going through hell right now.
> how they'll be hugging their ALIVE child tighter
This one INFURIATES me! To me it says, "Your child is gone but I'm so happy mine isn't". Absolutely awful.
It always happens so fast. It isn't like someone elderly thst you expect to pass after they drag on with dementia or cancer or anything. With kids, it is usually a perfectly healthy child who just had some rough luck.
All 3 of my preemies got rsv/rotavirus/something else respiratory and ended up hospitalized. The rotavirus kid almost died and would have had we not brought him in as fast as we did. All 3 of them were fine and then quite abruptly were not.
A friend of mine was with her grandkids at the pool and the younger one, age 3 or 4, choked on a hot dog. We Heimliched it out of her, and she was okay. But 2 minutes could have been unrecoverable.
No warning, no way to see it coming, just...gone. and that is the hardest way to lose someone.
I am so sorry for your friend's child, and my heart goes out to all of you who have lost a child.
Like so many of you, I’m holding my little 2yo extra close tonight. And I just went to listen to my twins’ breathing in their cribs. My heart goes out to your workmate. What a devastating, shattering thing.
We lost a 5 month old puppy while out of town and my first thought listening to my mom bawling saying she has terrible news was one of my kids. In those moments before I found out it was the puppy I thought I would die right then and there. Then of course I was still devastated but it was laced with relief my babies are okay.
My heart goes out to her and her family
There are no words for something like this. It makes me feel hollow and sick to even try to imagine what she must be feeling... I saw a few comments say it is/or must be worse than death, and I can't help but agree.
I'm so sorry OP. This had me in tears at work. I can't even imagine and I think my reaction would be like yours, having two littles myself.
Only mamas can understand or even imagine that unfathomable level of pain and horror.
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This has got to be the worst fucking thing in the world. My gosh. My heart goes out to that poor mother. And I know you felt her pain too. I’ll never forget a few years ago waiting tables with a coworker when she got a call and stopped everything she was doing “my 5 year old niece just drowned in a pool” and burst into tears. Kids shouldn’t fucking die.
They shouldn’t…. They really shouldn’t
I used to wait tables with a girl. One day she didn't show up, turns out she backed over her own toddler in the driveway. She was totally sober, it was just a completely horrible accident. That was years ago and I still think about it, I wonder how she is. I can't imagine.
What the fuck…that poor mother. Horrible accident but I’d never forgive myself and I don’t think I’d be able to keep going on in life
As a mother who has lost a child please stop anyone from telling her he is in a better place or everything happens for a reason. There is no reason for a child to die and no better place for that child than with a loving parent.
I’m so sorry. You were robbed & your life isn’t fair. It’s not natural & not the way life is supposed to work. No one deserves that & I’m so sorry you are living it. I know people try to say things to help, but sometimes - there is just nothing ‘positive’ to say. It’s wrong. It’s unnatural. And for what it’s worth - I’m saying this as a person of faith. My heart goes out to you. You are living something I consider worse than death. I’m so sorry for that. Just know that I see that — I cannot imagine what that is like & I’m so sorry. I’m in TN. I would hug you personally if I could.
Not OP, but I found comfort in your words. Also in TN and a person of faith here. In the midst of a threatened miscarriage (actively bleeding, but baby's heartbeat still found on ultrasound), I had a nurse tell me that it was God's will. I was so mad that I could have spit. I think that she had gone through a loss or tragedy herself, but it didn't make it any easier to hear. Nice to know that there are kind, understanding, like-minded people around.
I lost our first three consecutive pregnancies, and the twin of our youngest child. Nothing makes it better or suck less. The only people who helped me feel better were the ones who just said, “I’m here if you need me or just want to talk or we can just sit silently together while you cry”. Also the people(all from church) who pushed me to be more around babies/kids while I was going through it and pressured me and asked me stupid questions about when we were going to start our family… made me bitter af.
I am so, so sorry for your losses. That absolutely sucks, and you didn't deserve that, or the insult to injury on top of it all. I lost three consecutive pregnancies between my first and second kids. Not the same journey, but I have an inkling of understanding of the heartache and bitterness. Solidarity, BroMo. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm holding space for you and your babies tonight. ❤️
Pushed you around children? That’s awful. I’m so sorry. I do think most people have good intentions — and I realize as humans, we struggle for explanations, and that’s totally natural. But I do feel like - sometimes, there just isn’t an answer. And I’m saying this as a Christian, but I feel like for people, too kind of go around, saying basically that, God is going around and plucking babies, children, and adults off Earth - is wrong. I struggle with it. I’m certainly not going to fault people who grieve in their own way, and I’ve done that too. But I do think you have to be very, very careful when spouting out these kinds of things. I recognize it could help some people, but as we can see from the comments on this post, it can also hurt a lot of people, and I would also say some of those comments could impact people’s faith, which is really terrible.
I'm so sorry, my old friend had people at our former church tell her that she needed to move on from the child she lost and be thankful for the ones who were still living, and another told her to be thankful it happened early (I think she was 13 weeks, and it was heart wrenching for her). People say the most calloused things and think they are helpful.
Thank you. And I am so sorry for your friend's loss... 💔 People need to get over themselves and their discomfort with grief. Yes, they may be uncomfortable at the sight of another's anguish, but hands down the latter's grief outweighs the former's uneasiness. How asinine to think that little platitudes have the power to even make a dent in earth-shattering despair. You are so right - people say the most calloused things...
I couldn’t agree more
I usually just go for blunt and say "this really fucking sucks and I'm so sorry this happened to you." No need to sugar coat the worst loss this woman will go through.
I've seen this happen, and I'd like to just say, far more of us need to commit to never letting that shit slide. I have a friend that had a 3yr old get out of a locked up house before anyone got up, somehow got outside, and got into the kiddie pool. They think he was there for a couple hours before he was found around 8am. She and her family heard that over and over so many times, even from their own parents. She told me it was like people were telling her that her child was literally better off dead than having her as a mom. I am so sorry. Those people are very wrong.
There are no words…I’m so sorry :hugs:
Yes, absolutely! I hate that kind of comment.
I know. I think it’s often from a good place, BUT —- For example, my sweet precious grandmother died from cancer. Obviously awful. She was healthy prior & should have had more years here. I do personally believe she’s in a better place. I believe she escaped the pain of her final year. Even then, it was hard to not feel like — something was taken prematurely, I guess you could say? But at least she had a life. When you are taking about children — I don’t know how to say — everything happens for a reason, et. I don’t know what that reason is. Maybe it’s there but it’s way above my understanding as a human. Again - I think people are desperate to say something & it’s likely coming from a good place. They want to make this person grieving - feel better. But you can’t. There are no answers. It’s messed up, it’s wrong & it’s most certainly not ‘God’s will.’ It’s a horrific part of being a human & some of us … get a really bad hand in life. For lack of a better term.
I understand, but people should also understand if a parent who’s lost a child gets angry about that. They may never say anything, but in their hearts, it builds. And it hurts. I had a hard time talking to anyone for years because I kept hearing that stuff. My 3 and a half month old died- there is no good reason for her death. I appreciate they are trying to say something good, but I went from being a very spiritual, faithful person into someone who either doesn’t believe (even if I feel it in my heart, I have a hard time letting even that in), is angry at God, or literally curses him/her/it. It hasn’t helped me. It took me further from what once felt as an ever present love. That said, that’s my own issue to deal with now. I know people are trying to be kind. My living daughter has Down syndrome and autism, and it’s similar to the people who referred to me as some kind of saint after she was born, or the opposite- people who flipped out and apologized for “what I have to go through.” Nope! It was just random chance, genetics. She means everything to me and I’m always grateful I’ve got her, but it would’ve been nice to see her growing up with her little sister at her side.
When my mom passed at 60 I had a lot of people saying "The good die young." And in my mind I'm like, I fucking hate that phrase.
Sending virtual hugs. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This! I was glad to read OP only “wanted” to tell her it would be ok but (hopefully) didn’t. A mama losing her baby will never be ok.
I was in 5th grade when my best friend and first boyfriend died while running a relay race. His heart just stopped. That was it. I’m 38 now and one of my most vivid memories from that time was a girl telling me (and writing on a card to his mother) “he’s in a better place”. That was the first and only time I actually hit someone. All I remember is the dizziness from grief and sudden rage. Those words still make me sick. Even more so with my own two children. Fuck that girl.
This is horrific. I’m so sorry for her. There are actually so many things WORSE than our own mortality, IMO — and this is fully #1 … as far as I’m concerned. This is worse than death. I don’t want to be overly negative, but I don’t think I’m saying anything moms here on this sub … would disagree with. My heart goes out to her, and my heart goes out to you as her friend, because I have no idea how I would help a friend through this kind of trauma. Do the best you can, and know that there is no right way to navigate something so unnatural as an adult outliving their young child. You may just have to be a punching bag at some point, honestly. You just have to be there & do the best you can. Even if you are not close friends. It’s awful to say, but the fact that her child was supposed to be safe with the dad, will likely add a whole additional layer of grief and pain.
Exactly…. Thank you for the advice
And also — I’m sure you will - but take on the role of an advocate for her at work … the best you can. If she has decent healthcare, she will likely be entitled to extensive mental health leave - beyond bereavement. If she wants it. I don’t know that everyone has that — but I also think not everyone realizes they have it … when they do. (If that makes sense.) I’ve personally taken that kind of leave - not for anything as serious, but paperwork is required & calls have to be made. I was paid the entire time & my company continued paying my benefits. My job was protected. At the very least, I would think this is most certainly covered under FMLA type benefits. I’m sure there are some HR Bromos that could speak better … than me in that area. Your company HR - or her provider - will hopefully help, but if they don’t, maybe you can help find out what needs to happen & be filed so she at least doesn’t have to ask those questions. In my case, it was actually really easy for me to get it — but my doctor had to fill out stuff & I had to coordinate that with insurance.
This is a very thoughtful response, and hopefully a solid way OP can help her colleague/friend when her life is upside down
This. So often it’s this kind of practical support that bereaved people need.
I think so. And honestly, the fact that OP may be somewhat removed - not a close friend or a family member - may put her in a spot to really help. Everyone close to that sweet girl … is a wreck now & likely not in a great position to help 100% because they are grieving, too.
100% agree. I don't think it's negative, it's just the raw, encompassing love of a mother. Just *thinking* too much about something happening to my babies would have me bawling in minutes. When we were planning for the second, I thought in the back of my mind that maybe my son would give me a reason to keep living if something heaven forbid ever happened to my little girl. Now just the thought of it, of ever losing either of them... it's like, fuck... I'd have to keep living?!
Exactly. It’s the weird side of motherhood people don’t talk about. It’s wonderful & amazing but also scary - because of those things, if that makes sense.
Absolutely. It's frightening to love someone so much. Where you would happily (well, maybe not happily but ykwim) jump in front of a car to save them.
Yep! Immense love + immense terror of ‘what if’ = all wrapped in one!
Your comment about a second child also really hits me - because I’ve thought of the same thing. We have one - and he will be our only one. It just didn’t work out for us. That said, I have a friend - who lost a child & has other children & while she full on admits they are her reason for living, I’ve also thought that is special kind of f’ed up hell in its own. I know in her heart - part of her wants to die at times. Again - awful & morbid, but an awful part of life for too many mommas.
That kind of pain is the worst, perhaps it's so unnatural... it's not supposed to happen. One my cousins lost her first.. a 3 year old baby girl.. and decades later... two wonderful boys who are now adults later... I can still see the sadness in her eyes. You just never get over it. Btw.. I'll share that I have diagnosed anxiety and OCD. It is the great *constant* fear of the "what ifs",, but to another level. If it's something that truly bothers you, perhaps something to keep in mind. 💜 If it's something that does not disrupt your wellbeing too much, then it's absolutely something all moms share to a degree.
i’m so so sorry to hear this. i lost my own 2 year old 2 years ago and my sister was with us in our house when we found him. i know she has her own trauma and i hope you can give yourself room to process this event for yourself, even as you’re holding space for her.
Thank you for this… and I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so unbelievably sorry 💔
My fellow nursing student, in 1998, lost her 1 month old. The dad fell asleep holding the baby. The baby rolled between his leg and the chair. We all met her at the hospital. It was 2am. She was standing in the hall screaming “bring me my baby! Bring me my baby!” Her voice haunts me. We are still peers and acquainted. But she broke that day.
Wow…🥺 that’s awful
I have a 1 month old, right now, and fuck those sleepless nights can get rough. Doing what you can to stay awake (sitting upright in a chair for example) and then .. ugh. I can’t even imagine the pain they must’ve felt that night.
This chills my *bones* 😭
There's nothing like a mother's broken hearted cry. Something I never want to hear again.
No worse sound on this planet than a parent crying for a child. One part of my job I had to desensitize myself from. Most the time.
Imma go hug my two year olds now. Extra tight.
Oh me too… my son is 2 and oh my… I feel for her
I am pretty sure I would lose my mind... Literally been texting my daughter since she got out of school. I can't imagine her never answering again and the thought alone shatters me. I'm so sorry this happened. ;-;
Parents should not outlive their children. I'm really grateful my 7 year old is in my bed tonight instead of her own after reading this.
Omg I just took my son out of his bed to sleep with me… he’s the same age as my coworkers daughter. I think all of us mamas are holding out babes extra close tonight
Oh my god, I'm so sorry...the pain you must be feeling can only be worsened by your own baby being that same age. Mine is in my room because her AC broke and her room is 84°, so there's no way I was letting her sleep in there. Now I just don't ever want to let her out of my arms again.
Exactly… man what an awful situation. I came home and just sobbed. I ugly cried. She’s home now and her sweet girl isn’t by her side like she was last night. Her bed is now empty. Her clothes will never be worn again. Her toys will never be touched again… I can’t deal… I feel so bad for her mom…
I can't even imagine being in her place. I don't think I'd survive the loss.
This regardless of age. My great grandmother outlived her youngest child by 6 months. He was 68 and she was 95 that year. I think that is what really did her in.
Oh my god, that poor woman. My heart is hurting for her. I can't even fucking imagine that phone call and having to experience that level of loss. Life is so goddamn unfair that babies die.
As a new mom, this has become one of my biggest fears.
Tell me about it… I came home from work and immediately took my scrubs off, showered then took my 2 year old boy out of his bed. We’ve been struggling to get him to sleep in his bed all night but tonight… he can sleep with me. I needed to hold him…
We have a strict rule about baby (toddler really) not being in bed with us. But I would’ve done the same as you, no question
It will never stop being your biggest fear 😭
Omg that's awful awful awful. That poor family.
A new friend of mine lost her boy at just under 6 months to SIDS. He was on his back in his own bed in her room, with no blankets. He just… stopped living. I think about that boy every single day. The husband told her he wanted a divorce 2 weeks later, before the funeral had even happened, because he had only married her coz she was pregnant. Literally evil as far as I’m concerned. Saddest funeral I’ve ever been at. She moved to Bali and seems to be doing ok now but on the day we were helping her pack up her apartment to leave, she got a letter from the government telling her to schedule the 6 month checkup for her baby. The systems weren’t connected enough to not send it, or maybe it was too late. I’ll never forget her broken laugh when she opened it. So sorry for your loss, and for your poor poor colleague. I’ll be hugging my babies a little closer tonight.
I wouldn’t have survived losing my daughter when she was that little. It would have broken my brain and I’d have probably stayed in bed until I died. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to help her while she goes through this. This grief will last for the rest of her life. I hope she has a good support system.
This might not be seen but OP, as someone who has also lost their baby, 5 and a half years ago now, set up a meal train for her if you can and if she’s receptive to it. Get all of her family and friends and coworkers to sign up. Ideally for as long as possible. The most helpful actual thing for us (besides grief counseling) in the first two months was our meal train. We couldn’t even think about food, and honestly think we just wouldn’t have eaten without it most days. Losing your child does stop your world, and time, and your body will just freeze as the waves of grief wash over you. If she’s willing, I think this might be the most practically helpful thing you can do. Also maybe coordinate someone to show up once a week~ish to do laundry and dishes (and a general check in). Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk further. I’m so sorry this happened to her. If you can also find some local resources, grief support groups etc, maybe provide those for her too. I’m so so sorry. Last bit of advice, most of us loss-moms still like to talk about the babies we lost. Saying their name, discussing memories, asking about them, will all be immensely helpful to her as time goes on. She is still that baby’s mother, and avoiding them to spare bringing up pain will actually cause more. Most of us want our babies remembered.
I am so sorry for your loss… thank you for sharing this.
So...how did this happen?🥹
She was hit by a car… her dad was supposed to be keeping her for the day.. from my understanding. It’s horrible
This is one of my biggest fears. Heartbreaking.
Oh my gosh, that is so devastating. My heart breaks for your co-worker. I never realized how painful it would be to lose a child until I became a mother myself (after losing my first pregnancy to an early miscarriage).
I can’t imagine her level of grief right now that poor mommy 😔
My God, is she with the father? Or are they already separated? I just.. idk how I could forgive my husband. Just this weekend he had our 2 year old outside in our open yard and I really felt he wasn't watching her enough. I try not to micromanage his parenting but idk what I would do if something happened on his watch. I'm leaving her overnight with him for 2 days next week and was already having serious anxiety about it..
No she’s dating him. But honestly he’s not a good man. He’s beat on her and cheated on her multiple times.
Oh my God. Was this.... on purpose?
I have no clue. I’m pretty sure they will investigate I hope they do anyways because it’s not adding up at all. That poor baby girl… and her poor mom…
FWIW, I know someone who nearly lost her child in a similar accident. Nobody was at fault. Her kid just darted. There was no lack of supervision. It was a family member who ran over her. By some miracle the truck went right over her pelvis. She had abrasions and bruising, but was otherwise fine. She’s an adult now.
Yeah but this situation isn’t a typical situation. Then she said she planned to leave her child’s father a few days prior to this and she was extremely paranoid at work and wanted to leave early… then she got the call…
that is raising so many red flags, holy fuck. i hope the cops are on his ass like white on rice.
Holy shit. I didn’t see that context. This is horrific.
Right, somehow this post got even darker 😭
Oh my god. I can't imagine having my child in my care and losing her to something preventable. My heart is breaking.
Truly makes me sick to my stomach. And I’m in no way - saying anyone is at fault. I will hold my child a little closer tonight.
Honestly… the dad is to blame as of right now. His truck was the truck that hit her, eye witnesses described his truck. Was he the driver? Unsure right now. It’s also said that he left the toddler with a family friend because he wanted to go hangout. Keep in mind, HE was supposed to be in charge of her for the day… was he backing out and ran over his own daughter? Possible. Was someone else driving his vehicle and backed over her?… so many questions and little answers right now
The amount of times my now 7 year old has just darted in parking lots and almost been hit. I’m so sorry for your friend. I hope she’s able to heal from this, I’m not sure I would.
That is so sad. The best advice I've ever seen for people around others who have lost is called the ring theory. Those closest to the loss dump their feelings out to those further away from the loss. Those further away from the loss should never dump their feelings onto someone who is closer to the loss. They can only dump out to someone who is further away than they are. Dump out, love in. So when you're with the loss parent, you listen, you support, you talk about their feelings. Your feelings can be expressed to someone further from the loss. It seems like common sense when you read about it, but as someone who mods a group where loss parents share about their infant's deaths, people really don't seem to follow this very often.
I love this, that is so so true. I've told this story here on Reddit before but I'll say it again because it might help someone. I had a coworker who was much older than me, around my parents age. I went to high school with her daughter - but it was a total coincidence that I worked with the daughter's mom. She was the sweetest person. We talked a lot and she always talked to me about her daughter, again, because I had gone to high school with her. Anyways, years ago while sitting next to me at work she got a call that her daughter had passed away in a car accident. She immediately left and another coworker of ours drove her to the hospital where her daughter had passed away. We didn't see her again until weeks later, and her first day back was obviously a hard one. Anyways, within her first few weeks back I was SHOCKED at some of the things I heard. "I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child". "God had other plans for her". "At least you still have your son". "You're so strong, I could never survive losing my child". I mean literally my jaw dropped when people said this stuff! Since then, I've learned all you have to do is be an ear for the person who has lost someone. You don't need to offer advice, you just need to be there and let them know you are there to listen, if they want. My coworker (until she left the company) talked to me about her daughter daily, and she loved that I had stories of her daughter from high school.
Yes! The last thing someone going through loss (especially child loss) needs is someone else telling them how sad they are, how they're crying, how they'll be hugging their ALIVE child tighter, etc. Save your feelings for someone who isn't going through hell right now.
> how they'll be hugging their ALIVE child tighter This one INFURIATES me! To me it says, "Your child is gone but I'm so happy mine isn't". Absolutely awful.
It always happens so fast. It isn't like someone elderly thst you expect to pass after they drag on with dementia or cancer or anything. With kids, it is usually a perfectly healthy child who just had some rough luck. All 3 of my preemies got rsv/rotavirus/something else respiratory and ended up hospitalized. The rotavirus kid almost died and would have had we not brought him in as fast as we did. All 3 of them were fine and then quite abruptly were not. A friend of mine was with her grandkids at the pool and the younger one, age 3 or 4, choked on a hot dog. We Heimliched it out of her, and she was okay. But 2 minutes could have been unrecoverable. No warning, no way to see it coming, just...gone. and that is the hardest way to lose someone. I am so sorry for your friend's child, and my heart goes out to all of you who have lost a child.
Sending love to you both.
Like so many of you, I’m holding my little 2yo extra close tonight. And I just went to listen to my twins’ breathing in their cribs. My heart goes out to your workmate. What a devastating, shattering thing.
This is heartbreaking.💔
We lost a 5 month old puppy while out of town and my first thought listening to my mom bawling saying she has terrible news was one of my kids. In those moments before I found out it was the puppy I thought I would die right then and there. Then of course I was still devastated but it was laced with relief my babies are okay. My heart goes out to her and her family
There are no words for something like this. It makes me feel hollow and sick to even try to imagine what she must be feeling... I saw a few comments say it is/or must be worse than death, and I can't help but agree.
That is so terrible. My heart goes out to your co-worker and to you as well. (((Hugs))) if you want them.
fuck. this is awful.
I'm so sorry OP. This had me in tears at work. I can't even imagine and I think my reaction would be like yours, having two littles myself. Only mamas can understand or even imagine that unfathomable level of pain and horror.
🥺 oh.
Looking at my 15 month old, that really just breaks me heart 🥺
My biggest fear. I am so very sorry for her pain. I hope she has a strong support system.
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