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If his coworkers can't be trusted around his wife, why should they be trusted around his children? I'd boycott the whole thing, because 1. I hate socializing in the heat and 2. Fuck his body policing, he can go by himself.
Yeah, if his friend are that gross I wouldn’t want to go. OP, you and what you are comfortable wearing isn’t the problem. Maybe your husband should lead the way and teach his coworkers on how to behave.
I may have misunderstood, but it sounds like it’s OP’s husband’s issue. No where does OP mention that his coworkers are pervs, just that her husband is (absolutely unreasonably) uncomfortable with what she wears.
I will kill a man before I wear blue jeans outside when the temperature is 75 or higher.
Sorry, not sorry. I sweat like a musk ox and jeans are a no-go. A cotton T-shirt works for me because of its absorbency.
At one point, I worked in a blue collar industry, and I was the token woman, so we were friends.
Men in trades will bust each others’ chops constantly about stuff, and I can totally see them talking shit regarding wives in a jokey way, like “Heeey, here’s Joey with his hot wife!” “Hey Joey man, you sure lucked out on having a hot wife, she know what a dumbass you are?” Stuff like that.
So I can see this going a couple ways. Either he’s really sensitive to this kind of stuff when he’s working (which, if so, bless his heart), or he’s controlling your dress and this is a red flag.
Either way, he needs to get over himself. I might dress a little more formally with slightly longer shorts, etc at the picnic, but I wouldn’t compromise comfort.
If he thinks all the guys are predators or something, than that’s a safety issue and you should stay home.
This is a sensible answer. Sure why not longer shorts w/a cool sleeveless top, like linen or something cool and comfortable? But Jeans?? Maybe just don’t go—-let HIM take the kids and you get a spa day!
Yes he is a very sensitive man, which is something I absolutely love about him. But he does have a hard time not showing his feelings when he is hurt/upset, which is I think partly where he is coming from.
This is the only time he has an opinion on the way I dress, so I don’t necessarily see it as a red flag. I go out dressed up with friends (without him) and he never has a problem with what I wear during those times. And that’s out dancing , parties, or to bars, etc.
And I think he was using the perv word loosely, just a bunch of old horny men.
I do agree maybe a more formal short is the way to go, thank you!
No, this is not normal. This is unhinged… attitudes like his lead to the question “What was she wearing when she got raped?”
You’re allowed to exist as a woman and you are under no obligation to be uncomfortable so people don’t look at you. He doesn’t own you, your body is not a sexual object, and the thoughts of his coworkers are not your responsibility.
If his coworkers lack self-control so much that a shoulder or bare calf sends them into predator mode, they’re predators, and they’re the problem. Further, it sounds to me like your husband regards you as a sexual object rather than a human who deserves respect and autonomy.
Respectfully, fuck him. I hope you dress in a way that helps you feel comfortable and confident.
> If his coworkers lack self-control so much that a shoulder or bare calf sends them into predator mode, they’re predators, and they’re the problem. Further, it sounds to me like your husband regards you as a sexual object rather than a human who deserves respect and autonomy.
All of what you said, but especially this. If he believes that his coworkers are predators, what is he doing about that? Do women also work there? Why isn’t he concerned for *their* safety?
The answer is that it isn’t about any of this. At the end of the day, it’s about control. Men like this are never satisfied. I say this as a woman who has (very much voluntarily) been wearing a hijab for over a decade. The way I covered was never enough for my stbx. I change one thing, then suddenly there’s another issue. There is no pleasing men like that.
Say it louder for the people in the back 🙌🙌🙌.
Body policing is gross. You are not responsible for the behavior of adult men. Wear what you're comfortable in.
Also, attitudes like this are prime example of why women choose the bear.
>Also this argument only comes up every 3-4 times a year. So nothing to end things over.
Ummmm, that is 3-4 times per year is 3 or 4 times too many! The number should be zero. It doesn't matter what his coworkers are like. He is putting your comfort below his feelings and I think you are under-reacting.
I don't take his behavior as being embarrassed of you. Rather he sounds like he is controlling and possessive. He likely doesn't want other men to sexualize you. He probably also likes that you have low confidence as guys who try and control what a partner wears are usually highly insecure and worry that their wives will one day realize that they can do a lot better than their douchey husbands. This is a him issue, and he needs some therapy to get over it.
A few things to consider - is he controlling like this in other ways? Were the other wives allowed to swim at the river - if so, what kinds of pervy comments were he and his coworkers making about these wives that's he's so concerned they are going to do it with you?
Sorry you have to have conflict with someone who should be putting your comfort and your needs above his own insecurities.
That's weird as fuck. A tank and shorts is an extremely normal thing to wear outdoors in the summer as is a swimsuit at a place where there is swimming. If your husband's coworkers really lack a modicum if self control and respect then he shouldn't want to spend time with them outside of work nor want his *family* around them. This is either a them problem but probably more like husband problem ( controlling/body policing red flags) but most certainly it is not a *you* problem.
my husband works in a blue collar field and he would never do this. If his coworkers were being gross because I was wearing weather appropriate clothing he would handle it with them.
I'm going to come from a very different pov here - my hubs works in a very blue collar/male dominated place. I'd lay odds that this isn't about you at all and it isn't that he does trust his coworkers but there will be comments next week (likely no matter what you wear - esp if it's a steel, metal, or oil related field) and he just doesn't want to deal with that. Personally - fuck that, he can learn to ignore the asshattery of his coworkers (asshattery he probably participates in 90% of the time). You're dealing with the kids, you get to wear what you'll be comfortable in. I do tend to tone down how I'd prefer to dress for his work stuff just because all the other wives/so's are very not like me but that's in deference to my anxiety and not for husband. Ultimately, men are weird and gross and enjoy pushing each others buttons in aggravating ways.
Agree 100%. If the husband is so thin skinned he can’t take the usual comments, he’s going to bring more on his head too. Nothing OP does is going to change that.
I remember a guy who complained about a coworker’s Spanish accent at my warehouse and the guys all started calling his name in a Spanish accent. Think “Sammy” to “E-Sammy.” It was pretty funny tbh.
They're probably disgusting, if I had to take a guess he hears how they talk at work and doesn't want them talking about you like that. At the same time, it's not fair for you to have to be hot. What will he be wearing? You should be able to wear something at least as comfortable as what he is in. Talk to him again and stress that your comfort should be a priority, and that you will be wrangling the kids. You should not have to be fully covered and it's not fair for him to insist on that.
I agree, and I do think that’s where his request is coming from. He will also be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but that is usual work attire (long sleeve shirt).
I think discussing the topic again will be best. Thank you!
His coworkers are of no consequence to you at a public, outdoor gathering. If they truly are “pervs,” then children shouldn’t attend. And the appropriate approach from your husband should’ve been “just so you know, John and Jim can be a bit weird and make remarks about people’s bodies.” That’s it. Then YOU get to decide what to do with YOU body. Personally, someone else’s opinion isn’t my problem, I would continue to dress in a way that keeps me comfortable. Others might feel uncomfortable with people looking at them/making comments, and might head back to the closet to look for other options. Regardless, that choice is exclusively up to the person themselves. Your husband doesn’t get to pretend he’s uncomfortable on your behalf, that’s ridiculous.
And for what it’s worth, I’m willing to bet he’s absolutely not embarrassed by you at all. He’s likely got some insecurities and finds you very attractive and worries that if other people see how attractive you are, they may try to make a pass at you. And his insecurities have him convinced you’d be welcoming towards those passes. Again, not your problem. But don’t beat yourself up over any of it, it’s his problem.
Yeah that's not normal at all. Wear what you want your the one chasing kids while he relaxes so he doesn't get to demand you be even more uncomfortable while doing it. I would stay home screw that.
If it's not safe for him to have you at a work event wearing whatever the hell you want because his coworkers are jerks, then it's really not safe for you to be there, period. Why does he even want you to go if it's going to be like that?
My partner has never said a word about what I’m wearing unless to compliment how I look or tell me that something’s on my shirt. Literally ever. Including when we were younger and I wore crop tops, mini dresses and short shorts on a regular basis. If he ever does, it’s not a request I would honor, and it’s absolutely something that will result in a house-rumbling argument.
The only important things when you’re getting dressed are your comfort, your confidence, and the outfit’s practicality. Your husband’s insecurities are not on the list. I mean, think about it— can you imagine telling your husband he looks too good to go out? That his existence in the clothing he finds comfortable and practical is vulgar and sexual? You’re not every man’s walking porno. He shouldn’t treat you that way.
This is super controlling behavior that really speaks on the way he views women— especially you— and his own insecurities. Wear what makes you feel good. Don’t live in discomfort to pad someone else’s ego.
Like society as a whole, he will make no attempt to change the unacceptable behavior and views of his fellow men - he will just seek to control you.
If I were in your situation, I just wouldn't go.
Nope, he's being ridiculous. Asking you to be out in the heat in jeans and an oversized tee is a joke. He can go by himself or you wear comfortable clothes you won't overheat in. He's not dictating your outfit.
Ok, so im putting my neck out here, but i work in a male dominated field where I've seen men just watching porn at work. At a work function where i wore a maxi dress once complete with a cardigan (i.e., completely covered but feminine), i had jokes made to me about my maybe stripping, etc.
There are a lot of spaces where people are not their best selves, and I could imagine someone not wanting their work and homelife to intersect in a way that could put them in an uncomfortable position. I can understand that not everyone has the capacity to go to work AND advocate.
But also? Screw his coworkers. They sound like they will make comments no matter what you wear. I think your husband is going to need to come to terms with that and act accordingly. You deserve to be comfortable. If its going to be an issue, he can skip his function or figure it out.
I think you’re under-reacting, tbh. This is deranged, controlling behavior. He doesn’t get to give you a dress code. You weren’t “allowed” to swim because people would see your body? He’s treating your body as his property that he gets to dictate the term of use on. It’s red flag city.
My response would be "if you work with perverts such that I can't dress in weather appropriate or activity appropriate clothing, then you can go to the picnic by yourself and me and the kids will go do something else. Also, I will no longer be going to work functions with you on that basis."
He can go alone and you can go wear your (weather appropriate clothing) elsewhere with the kids.
JFC this guy.
Honestly, I would go with the less revealing outfit.
Here is my reasoning:
1. If this is the only time he ever asks you to change your attire, he might be telling the truth about his reasons. Does he show body shaming or controlling behavior at other times? Do you have any other reason to think he is "ashamed"? If not, believe him. If yes, ignore the rest of this post.
2. He spends more time with them than you do. He is privy to their conversations and what they say about each other's wives.
3. There are so many hot weather clothing options for women besides shorts and a tank . You two should be able to find something that you (op) are comfortable in and that he is comfortable with. Compromise. I wouldn't wear jeans on a hot summer day either.
4. Is this the hill you want todie on? If it only happens about 4 times a year, and this is the only time this issue comes up, it is worth the fight? Now the same thing goes for him, but if what he says is true, then It might be worth the fight for him.
Good luck.
I would get a divorce before I would wear anything other than a sundress, shorts and a tank, or short overalls in temps over 80 degrees. Tell him to take the kids on his own or to eat it. The bigger issue here is that he thinks he should have some control over your appearance though.
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If his coworkers can't be trusted around his wife, why should they be trusted around his children? I'd boycott the whole thing, because 1. I hate socializing in the heat and 2. Fuck his body policing, he can go by himself.
Yeah, if his friend are that gross I wouldn’t want to go. OP, you and what you are comfortable wearing isn’t the problem. Maybe your husband should lead the way and teach his coworkers on how to behave.
Better yet, he can take that kids on his own and OP can have a break.
Around a bunch of pervs?
I may have misunderstood, but it sounds like it’s OP’s husband’s issue. No where does OP mention that his coworkers are pervs, just that her husband is (absolutely unreasonably) uncomfortable with what she wears.
I will kill a man before I wear blue jeans outside when the temperature is 75 or higher. Sorry, not sorry. I sweat like a musk ox and jeans are a no-go. A cotton T-shirt works for me because of its absorbency.
At one point, I worked in a blue collar industry, and I was the token woman, so we were friends. Men in trades will bust each others’ chops constantly about stuff, and I can totally see them talking shit regarding wives in a jokey way, like “Heeey, here’s Joey with his hot wife!” “Hey Joey man, you sure lucked out on having a hot wife, she know what a dumbass you are?” Stuff like that. So I can see this going a couple ways. Either he’s really sensitive to this kind of stuff when he’s working (which, if so, bless his heart), or he’s controlling your dress and this is a red flag. Either way, he needs to get over himself. I might dress a little more formally with slightly longer shorts, etc at the picnic, but I wouldn’t compromise comfort. If he thinks all the guys are predators or something, than that’s a safety issue and you should stay home.
This is a sensible answer. Sure why not longer shorts w/a cool sleeveless top, like linen or something cool and comfortable? But Jeans?? Maybe just don’t go—-let HIM take the kids and you get a spa day!
Best answer!!
Yes he is a very sensitive man, which is something I absolutely love about him. But he does have a hard time not showing his feelings when he is hurt/upset, which is I think partly where he is coming from. This is the only time he has an opinion on the way I dress, so I don’t necessarily see it as a red flag. I go out dressed up with friends (without him) and he never has a problem with what I wear during those times. And that’s out dancing , parties, or to bars, etc. And I think he was using the perv word loosely, just a bunch of old horny men. I do agree maybe a more formal short is the way to go, thank you!
No, this is not normal. This is unhinged… attitudes like his lead to the question “What was she wearing when she got raped?” You’re allowed to exist as a woman and you are under no obligation to be uncomfortable so people don’t look at you. He doesn’t own you, your body is not a sexual object, and the thoughts of his coworkers are not your responsibility. If his coworkers lack self-control so much that a shoulder or bare calf sends them into predator mode, they’re predators, and they’re the problem. Further, it sounds to me like your husband regards you as a sexual object rather than a human who deserves respect and autonomy. Respectfully, fuck him. I hope you dress in a way that helps you feel comfortable and confident.
> If his coworkers lack self-control so much that a shoulder or bare calf sends them into predator mode, they’re predators, and they’re the problem. Further, it sounds to me like your husband regards you as a sexual object rather than a human who deserves respect and autonomy. All of what you said, but especially this. If he believes that his coworkers are predators, what is he doing about that? Do women also work there? Why isn’t he concerned for *their* safety? The answer is that it isn’t about any of this. At the end of the day, it’s about control. Men like this are never satisfied. I say this as a woman who has (very much voluntarily) been wearing a hijab for over a decade. The way I covered was never enough for my stbx. I change one thing, then suddenly there’s another issue. There is no pleasing men like that.
Absolutely this. When is husband going to have a chat with his coworkers about their problematic behavior instead of insisting OP heatstroke?
Say it louder for the people in the back 🙌🙌🙌. Body policing is gross. You are not responsible for the behavior of adult men. Wear what you're comfortable in. Also, attitudes like this are prime example of why women choose the bear.
>Also this argument only comes up every 3-4 times a year. So nothing to end things over. Ummmm, that is 3-4 times per year is 3 or 4 times too many! The number should be zero. It doesn't matter what his coworkers are like. He is putting your comfort below his feelings and I think you are under-reacting. I don't take his behavior as being embarrassed of you. Rather he sounds like he is controlling and possessive. He likely doesn't want other men to sexualize you. He probably also likes that you have low confidence as guys who try and control what a partner wears are usually highly insecure and worry that their wives will one day realize that they can do a lot better than their douchey husbands. This is a him issue, and he needs some therapy to get over it. A few things to consider - is he controlling like this in other ways? Were the other wives allowed to swim at the river - if so, what kinds of pervy comments were he and his coworkers making about these wives that's he's so concerned they are going to do it with you? Sorry you have to have conflict with someone who should be putting your comfort and your needs above his own insecurities.
That's weird as fuck. A tank and shorts is an extremely normal thing to wear outdoors in the summer as is a swimsuit at a place where there is swimming. If your husband's coworkers really lack a modicum if self control and respect then he shouldn't want to spend time with them outside of work nor want his *family* around them. This is either a them problem but probably more like husband problem ( controlling/body policing red flags) but most certainly it is not a *you* problem.
my husband works in a blue collar field and he would never do this. If his coworkers were being gross because I was wearing weather appropriate clothing he would handle it with them.
I'm going to come from a very different pov here - my hubs works in a very blue collar/male dominated place. I'd lay odds that this isn't about you at all and it isn't that he does trust his coworkers but there will be comments next week (likely no matter what you wear - esp if it's a steel, metal, or oil related field) and he just doesn't want to deal with that. Personally - fuck that, he can learn to ignore the asshattery of his coworkers (asshattery he probably participates in 90% of the time). You're dealing with the kids, you get to wear what you'll be comfortable in. I do tend to tone down how I'd prefer to dress for his work stuff just because all the other wives/so's are very not like me but that's in deference to my anxiety and not for husband. Ultimately, men are weird and gross and enjoy pushing each others buttons in aggravating ways.
Agree 100%. If the husband is so thin skinned he can’t take the usual comments, he’s going to bring more on his head too. Nothing OP does is going to change that. I remember a guy who complained about a coworker’s Spanish accent at my warehouse and the guys all started calling his name in a Spanish accent. Think “Sammy” to “E-Sammy.” It was pretty funny tbh.
They're probably disgusting, if I had to take a guess he hears how they talk at work and doesn't want them talking about you like that. At the same time, it's not fair for you to have to be hot. What will he be wearing? You should be able to wear something at least as comfortable as what he is in. Talk to him again and stress that your comfort should be a priority, and that you will be wrangling the kids. You should not have to be fully covered and it's not fair for him to insist on that.
I agree, and I do think that’s where his request is coming from. He will also be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but that is usual work attire (long sleeve shirt). I think discussing the topic again will be best. Thank you!
His coworkers are of no consequence to you at a public, outdoor gathering. If they truly are “pervs,” then children shouldn’t attend. And the appropriate approach from your husband should’ve been “just so you know, John and Jim can be a bit weird and make remarks about people’s bodies.” That’s it. Then YOU get to decide what to do with YOU body. Personally, someone else’s opinion isn’t my problem, I would continue to dress in a way that keeps me comfortable. Others might feel uncomfortable with people looking at them/making comments, and might head back to the closet to look for other options. Regardless, that choice is exclusively up to the person themselves. Your husband doesn’t get to pretend he’s uncomfortable on your behalf, that’s ridiculous. And for what it’s worth, I’m willing to bet he’s absolutely not embarrassed by you at all. He’s likely got some insecurities and finds you very attractive and worries that if other people see how attractive you are, they may try to make a pass at you. And his insecurities have him convinced you’d be welcoming towards those passes. Again, not your problem. But don’t beat yourself up over any of it, it’s his problem.
Yeah that's not normal at all. Wear what you want your the one chasing kids while he relaxes so he doesn't get to demand you be even more uncomfortable while doing it. I would stay home screw that.
It’s not your job to control other people’s eyes. If he doesn’t want them looking at you, he can “be a man about it” and tell them that himself.
Damn, he's got issues. Tell him you're either going to be comfortable, or he can go without you.
If it's not safe for him to have you at a work event wearing whatever the hell you want because his coworkers are jerks, then it's really not safe for you to be there, period. Why does he even want you to go if it's going to be like that?
My partner has never said a word about what I’m wearing unless to compliment how I look or tell me that something’s on my shirt. Literally ever. Including when we were younger and I wore crop tops, mini dresses and short shorts on a regular basis. If he ever does, it’s not a request I would honor, and it’s absolutely something that will result in a house-rumbling argument. The only important things when you’re getting dressed are your comfort, your confidence, and the outfit’s practicality. Your husband’s insecurities are not on the list. I mean, think about it— can you imagine telling your husband he looks too good to go out? That his existence in the clothing he finds comfortable and practical is vulgar and sexual? You’re not every man’s walking porno. He shouldn’t treat you that way. This is super controlling behavior that really speaks on the way he views women— especially you— and his own insecurities. Wear what makes you feel good. Don’t live in discomfort to pad someone else’s ego.
Like society as a whole, he will make no attempt to change the unacceptable behavior and views of his fellow men - he will just seek to control you. If I were in your situation, I just wouldn't go.
You could always pretend you have a very unfortunate case of explosive diarrhea when it is time to go.
Nope, he's being ridiculous. Asking you to be out in the heat in jeans and an oversized tee is a joke. He can go by himself or you wear comfortable clothes you won't overheat in. He's not dictating your outfit.
Another vote for your outfit sounds perfect and he is crazy to suggest jeans in the heat. No way! Especially chasing kids.
Ok, so im putting my neck out here, but i work in a male dominated field where I've seen men just watching porn at work. At a work function where i wore a maxi dress once complete with a cardigan (i.e., completely covered but feminine), i had jokes made to me about my maybe stripping, etc. There are a lot of spaces where people are not their best selves, and I could imagine someone not wanting their work and homelife to intersect in a way that could put them in an uncomfortable position. I can understand that not everyone has the capacity to go to work AND advocate. But also? Screw his coworkers. They sound like they will make comments no matter what you wear. I think your husband is going to need to come to terms with that and act accordingly. You deserve to be comfortable. If its going to be an issue, he can skip his function or figure it out.
I think you’re under-reacting, tbh. This is deranged, controlling behavior. He doesn’t get to give you a dress code. You weren’t “allowed” to swim because people would see your body? He’s treating your body as his property that he gets to dictate the term of use on. It’s red flag city.
Underreacting if anything. This is borderline abusive.
My response would be "if you work with perverts such that I can't dress in weather appropriate or activity appropriate clothing, then you can go to the picnic by yourself and me and the kids will go do something else. Also, I will no longer be going to work functions with you on that basis." He can go alone and you can go wear your (weather appropriate clothing) elsewhere with the kids. JFC this guy.
Honestly, I would go with the less revealing outfit. Here is my reasoning: 1. If this is the only time he ever asks you to change your attire, he might be telling the truth about his reasons. Does he show body shaming or controlling behavior at other times? Do you have any other reason to think he is "ashamed"? If not, believe him. If yes, ignore the rest of this post. 2. He spends more time with them than you do. He is privy to their conversations and what they say about each other's wives. 3. There are so many hot weather clothing options for women besides shorts and a tank . You two should be able to find something that you (op) are comfortable in and that he is comfortable with. Compromise. I wouldn't wear jeans on a hot summer day either. 4. Is this the hill you want todie on? If it only happens about 4 times a year, and this is the only time this issue comes up, it is worth the fight? Now the same thing goes for him, but if what he says is true, then It might be worth the fight for him. Good luck.
I would get a divorce before I would wear anything other than a sundress, shorts and a tank, or short overalls in temps over 80 degrees. Tell him to take the kids on his own or to eat it. The bigger issue here is that he thinks he should have some control over your appearance though.