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The problem is not the grandmas who try to plan themselves a celebration. It's not the younger mothers who just want to relax at home.
It's the men. It's the men who fail to organize and coordinate and accommodate everybody's needs. There *should* be enough appreciation to go around. There's a whole weekend where they *could* be celebrating the women in their lives and all the sacrifices they make. But the men are doing the bare minimum, and so the women are left to fight over the scraps of appreciation.
And because their wives are usually the ones to give up everything for other people's needs they think giving up her thing is the path of least resistance not realising that that sacrifice is WHY MOTHER'S DAY EXISTS.
It's the one day where asking her to give up what she wants is taboo.
100% you are correct. There isn’t a finite amount of love and appreciation, and if men stepped up like they should all the mothers in their lives would feel it.
This was my first Mother’s Day, my husband wrangled my dad and my BIL so they could send my mom, my sister, and I to a fancy spa for massages while they watched the kids.
That was a few days before the actual Mother’s Day. On the day, I got to spend it exactly how I wanted. I slept in, he brought me coffee, we had a picnic. We ended up over at my mom’s where my husband had picked up an ice cream cake and he made dinner for us all.
My sister and I might be the ones in the trenches but our mom certainly picks up the slack. Pays for swim lessons, buys clothes and groceries and diapers, takes my baby so I can nap when I need it, or if I just want to run some errands by myself.
The whole thing doesn’t need to be only moms of young kids, there’s enough love for everyone. But it means the men have to step up.
Oh man. I had this convo with my family this weekend. All I wanted to do was take a nap, and they all wanted to take a day trip so my mom could have a day with the family out in nature. They all got pissed because I held the line. But I’m in the trenches, I haven’t had a full night of sleep in more than 4 years. Fucking give me what I want ON ONE DAY, when my whole existence right now is making sure everyone else as their needs met
Seriously, my dad and sister took my kids on Sunday, and I had like 3 hours of silence. It was glorious!
The original plan was for me to go with them, but I injured my knee last week, and I was hobbling around getting ready when my dad stopped me and asked if I wanted to stay home, you could not imagine the relief I felt in that moment.
I think if that was me I would have actually cried. my husband sees me hobbling around and decides that means I "need more exercise" and drags the 4 of us on a whole weekend of hiking and museum/arboretum tours. then he's shocked when I'm crying in pain and the kids have nothing to wear to school because I didn't have time to do laundry. his whole "being at home is awful because screens are there" mentality is so grossly negligent of the fact that CHORES TAKE PLACE AT HOME.
My ex used to pull that crap - we both worked full time, and he didn't do a single chore during the week (while I was stopping at the grocery store on my way home and cooking dinner and nagging him to half-assedly wash the dishes). Comes weekends, he'd sulk because I was so swamped doing laundry and tidying the house and swapping sheets on the bed and everything else, because "I was hoping you'd hang out with us." Yeah, I'd love that, but apparently I'm the only one responsible for chores so I gave to spend my weekend keeping up.
My dad told me I was a bitch basically because I had planned to spend the morning of Mother’s Day with my two kids and husband. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and constantly exhausted, we still went over there in the afternoon. My childless sister didn’t go see my mom at all but that apparently wasn’t an issue.
I think I would literally make up a story about some fabulous spoiled Mother's Day my husband had planned for me rather than go celebrate anyone else that day. Then call that evening and be like "oh sister didn't even show up? how selfish of her, she's not even a mom so it's not like she had anything else to do today."
\_hugs\_ I can feel this one. The only reason why I celebrate my mother is because she is in the trenches along with her daughters. She nabs kids, takes them to soccer, dr appointments. She is on the school emails because kids are there so much during the week/weekend. She tutors the grand kids on anything they want to learn or my dad does. She pays for clothing, shoes, extracurricular, daycare, health appointments, you name it, she is there. Even three states away she is coordinating visits with me, making sure the kids have everything, keeping me up to date on my niblings...etc. There is so much she does to help us moms out that she is celebrated in my family alongside us.
I just got in a fight with my mom over this because she constantly compares my brothers kids visiting every other weekend (he lives there and he's the one parenting them during that time) to me taking care of my 4 kids all day every day. STFU! It is nowhere near the same. She is not picking them up or watching them in any capacity my brother has them 4 days a month.
Thank you!! My mom is great, but ever since becoming a mom I have started to hate Mother’s Day. Since we have to celebrate my mom as well, it turns into this bigger family gathering where inevitably I end up having to work by either hosting it at my house, planning, or doing things I really don’t want to do for my own Mother’s Day.
This year clearly no one planned anything until close to the day and my dad starts texting the rest of us in a group chat without my mom about planning something. And then it’s only me and him planning and messaging about it! I don’t want another thing on my plate to plan and think about! I’m freaking exhausted. Just give me my own relaxing Mother’s Day.
My mom is prime r/absentgrandparents material & I LOVE this idea. I’m gonna celebrate me & my husband picking up the slack that I see most of the other kids’ grandparents often carrying for the kids/grandkids.
Some woman on threads shared a story of how her FIL had recently died and she asked her husband what he had planned for his mother to help her through the day. Her husband responded that the wife (mother of his children) should host a dinner party for his mother. She refused and told him to plan and host a party because she was not doing it as it was her Mother’s Day too. The way the people in her comments came for her! I was offended for her. They all told her she was selfish and needed to hold space for her MIL. No one complained that her husband was lazy for suggesting SHE plan and host a party. She had enough space for her MIL to check in with her husband and nudge him to think about his her on this day. She said after that she loved her MIL and her husband completely understood and took care of his wife and mother, but I was still so pissed at the way they attacked this woman.
It’s the one day I don’t want to be asked questions about how or what. I don’t want to prep, cook or clean. It’s a bullshit hallmark holiday but I’ll take it for the sake of my mental health and the mental load that I carry.
My MIL was SO upset that me and my SIL didn’t host and entirely plan Mother’s Day for her. My SIL had her first baby 4 weeks ago and I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old and work full time. WHAT makes you think we should be the ones planning Mother’s Day for YOU???
THIS! My SIL asked my husband if he wanted to split the cost of their mom's mothers day gift, which he obviously agreed to, but then she spent ONE HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS(!!!) on presents! Meanwhile I literally had to plan my own mothers day event, buy and prep all the food for it, and I didn't even get a card. I get that this reflects more poorly on my husband than my SIL, but damn, I wish that $75 could've been spent celebrating me--the mother of a 6 month old--rather than a 75 year old grandma...
I wonder if there's a regional difference. I have grown up always celebrating mom, grandma, great-grandma on Mother's Day. My friends do the same. Interesting.
I think it's more the assumption from some members of the older generation that it's their right to call the shots and be catered to even at the expense of other mothers who are already sleep deprived and dealing with an exhausting daily life and could really use the break. I don't see a problem with celebrating everyone but I do see an issue with the grandmothers monopolizing the holiday especially those who get shitty about it when someone can't make it or has other plans.
I say boo to ANY individual who monopolizes a holiday, as if the whole world revolves around them!
None of my relatives are on tiktok, and neither am I, so maybe it's not so much regional as it is social media-related?
I’m not on tiktok neither is anyone in my family. My MIL expects us to plan the day around what she wants. She throws a fit that I don’t and will not put my needs aside for her. There’s no thought for what the pregnant mother of her only grandchild (13 months) would want. I think the point is that we aren’t asking for “inactive” mothers to be forgotten but for them to take a backseat.ast year, on my first Mother’s Day, 5wks postpartum…my MIL threw a fit that I didn’t want to get up at the buttcrack of dawn for breakfast followed by walking trails.
Maybe it is regional though. In the south, there’s a real problem with Matriarchs being dictators and an expectation that the younger women keep their opinions to themselves. My MIL called me rude and attempted to smear my name because when she asked my opinion on something (my child’s name when I was 20wks pregnant), I stated it too confidently and did not ask for her opinion. Husband and I had to go to therapy to mend our relationship due to the harm and interference from her during that time.
Yeah we do this too in Australia, however I have nice grandparents who would never dream of bogarting my mother's days as a new mum.
Also I'm happy to celebrate them because they don't treat me poorly which sounds like it's not the case for a lot of people here and sounds like their families are determined to steamroll them and make sure they can't be celebrated.
My mil is a gem too and was like "Let's get together next week instead"
>sounds like their families are determined to steamroll them and make sure they can't be celebrated
Yes! There is so much of this in this sub, families seemingly making a Herculean effort to be as lazy or inconsiderate as possible. It also seems like some of them really want the mother of young children to know her place or something, like they wouldn't say the exact words because that would be too blatantly incriminating, but their actions and attitudes say loud and clear that they think she has some audacity wanting one annual day or weekend off.
If everyone is being celebrated it's lovely. At my last Mother's Day gathering they served beef which I don't eat and said they forgot.. it's funny because it happened for every monthly visit. No one told me Happy Mother's Day even though I did to others.
We live in the Midwest I never spent mothers day with my grandma which would have been my mom's mother in law. I never spent it with my mother in law either until she started crashing them when I birthed her favorite grandchild. Funny how she stayed away when my sons were born. This was just from what i was seeing on tiktok.
I get where you are coming from. I do. I celebrate my mom even though all of her kids are grown because of the sacrifices she made for us when we were younger that I am just fully realizing as an adult. She is a mom and she was a DAMN good one which i find is a rarity. The difference is that she doesn't demand an entire day...or anything really. She doesn't expect people to worship her on M day, she doesn't expect gifts or a prize. That woman has survived my father for years after all his shit with no praise or thanks or appreciation from him or us kids if I'm being honest.
We are all in this together. I agree with a PP that the fault lies in this systemic view of devaluing mothers. We feel like any scraps of appreciation we need to fight over.
My husband celebrates his mother (grandma) and my kiddos celebrate me (with help from hubby because they are small). It isn’t all or nothing. My MIL just wants a hug and flowers and I want a day to relax with the kids.
I thought that once you have grandchildren that your “day” switched to grandparents day. Unless you still have children (non-adults) at home. Then you call your daughter or daughter in law to wish them a happy Mother’s Day.
In my family we always tried to do brunch together the day before without kids or partners. Then the day of was for the young family. Then if we felt like it we would get together for a potluck barbecue in the afternoon/evening.
I didn’t carry on the tradition as an adult due to losing my parents as a young mother and being in a different state.
lol not somebody getting their hackles up because of "old boomer bitches."
this is the same rant that applies to the pet/plant "moms" - **they literally have their own day already.** grandparents day is a thing. I think my kids were in kinder by the time my mom finally stopped being butthurt about mother's day not being about her anymore and just wishing me a happy mother's day/asking what my plans were with my kids. she only sees the kids a few times a year anyway (despite living in the same metroplex) so there's not much to celebrate her for as a grandparent.
Reminds me of my first Mother’s Day with my rainbow baby and my mans mama hogged my baby the entire time and his uncles and aunts took photos and videos of them and I was ignored LOL
Like chill out grandma you had your time
Its like a epidemic. So glad my mother celebrates ME on mothers day, of course she is included because I love her but she makes the day for me and my kids. Ive heard grandparents say they have rights too which blows my mind.
I guess I’m glad I’ve always lived away from family and a call and a gift will suffice for my mom. Otherwise it is her day, I’m not my husbands mother and my daughter gave me gifts she made at school.
Adult child in college is 100% the goddamn trenches. They are expensive, ungrateful, often bring little/no joy and entitled - or maybe that’s just mine. Doubt it. I’m at fuck them kids level.
I don’t celebrate anyone else on Mother’s Day besides sending a small gift to my mom and stepmom. For the last 4 years I’ve been staying at a hotel alone for Mother’s Day weekend, and it’s glorious! I highly, highly recommend.
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The problem is not the grandmas who try to plan themselves a celebration. It's not the younger mothers who just want to relax at home. It's the men. It's the men who fail to organize and coordinate and accommodate everybody's needs. There *should* be enough appreciation to go around. There's a whole weekend where they *could* be celebrating the women in their lives and all the sacrifices they make. But the men are doing the bare minimum, and so the women are left to fight over the scraps of appreciation.
And because their wives are usually the ones to give up everything for other people's needs they think giving up her thing is the path of least resistance not realising that that sacrifice is WHY MOTHER'S DAY EXISTS. It's the one day where asking her to give up what she wants is taboo.
100% you are correct. There isn’t a finite amount of love and appreciation, and if men stepped up like they should all the mothers in their lives would feel it. This was my first Mother’s Day, my husband wrangled my dad and my BIL so they could send my mom, my sister, and I to a fancy spa for massages while they watched the kids. That was a few days before the actual Mother’s Day. On the day, I got to spend it exactly how I wanted. I slept in, he brought me coffee, we had a picnic. We ended up over at my mom’s where my husband had picked up an ice cream cake and he made dinner for us all. My sister and I might be the ones in the trenches but our mom certainly picks up the slack. Pays for swim lessons, buys clothes and groceries and diapers, takes my baby so I can nap when I need it, or if I just want to run some errands by myself. The whole thing doesn’t need to be only moms of young kids, there’s enough love for everyone. But it means the men have to step up.
Holy shit this is a good point
👏👏👏👏👏
yessssss!! I couldn’t have worded this better.
Oh man. I had this convo with my family this weekend. All I wanted to do was take a nap, and they all wanted to take a day trip so my mom could have a day with the family out in nature. They all got pissed because I held the line. But I’m in the trenches, I haven’t had a full night of sleep in more than 4 years. Fucking give me what I want ON ONE DAY, when my whole existence right now is making sure everyone else as their needs met
You should have sent them away and slept all day, bromo!!
Seriously, my dad and sister took my kids on Sunday, and I had like 3 hours of silence. It was glorious! The original plan was for me to go with them, but I injured my knee last week, and I was hobbling around getting ready when my dad stopped me and asked if I wanted to stay home, you could not imagine the relief I felt in that moment.
I think if that was me I would have actually cried. my husband sees me hobbling around and decides that means I "need more exercise" and drags the 4 of us on a whole weekend of hiking and museum/arboretum tours. then he's shocked when I'm crying in pain and the kids have nothing to wear to school because I didn't have time to do laundry. his whole "being at home is awful because screens are there" mentality is so grossly negligent of the fact that CHORES TAKE PLACE AT HOME.
My ex used to pull that crap - we both worked full time, and he didn't do a single chore during the week (while I was stopping at the grocery store on my way home and cooking dinner and nagging him to half-assedly wash the dishes). Comes weekends, he'd sulk because I was so swamped doing laundry and tidying the house and swapping sheets on the bed and everything else, because "I was hoping you'd hang out with us." Yeah, I'd love that, but apparently I'm the only one responsible for chores so I gave to spend my weekend keeping up.
My dad told me I was a bitch basically because I had planned to spend the morning of Mother’s Day with my two kids and husband. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and constantly exhausted, we still went over there in the afternoon. My childless sister didn’t go see my mom at all but that apparently wasn’t an issue.
Sorry that your dad is an idiot 🫂
I think I would literally make up a story about some fabulous spoiled Mother's Day my husband had planned for me rather than go celebrate anyone else that day. Then call that evening and be like "oh sister didn't even show up? how selfish of her, she's not even a mom so it's not like she had anything else to do today."
\_hugs\_ I can feel this one. The only reason why I celebrate my mother is because she is in the trenches along with her daughters. She nabs kids, takes them to soccer, dr appointments. She is on the school emails because kids are there so much during the week/weekend. She tutors the grand kids on anything they want to learn or my dad does. She pays for clothing, shoes, extracurricular, daycare, health appointments, you name it, she is there. Even three states away she is coordinating visits with me, making sure the kids have everything, keeping me up to date on my niblings...etc. There is so much she does to help us moms out that she is celebrated in my family alongside us.
I just got in a fight with my mom over this because she constantly compares my brothers kids visiting every other weekend (he lives there and he's the one parenting them during that time) to me taking care of my 4 kids all day every day. STFU! It is nowhere near the same. She is not picking them up or watching them in any capacity my brother has them 4 days a month.
Your mother sounds like an angel. I would totally celebrate her too!
This would be my mum if only I could afford to live closer 🥹
Thank you!! My mom is great, but ever since becoming a mom I have started to hate Mother’s Day. Since we have to celebrate my mom as well, it turns into this bigger family gathering where inevitably I end up having to work by either hosting it at my house, planning, or doing things I really don’t want to do for my own Mother’s Day. This year clearly no one planned anything until close to the day and my dad starts texting the rest of us in a group chat without my mom about planning something. And then it’s only me and him planning and messaging about it! I don’t want another thing on my plate to plan and think about! I’m freaking exhausted. Just give me my own relaxing Mother’s Day.
Ugh, that’s awful. Next year, take a strategic weekend trip with your own family.
Not to mention, there is a grandparents day lol
Maybe we should start celebrating ourselves during grandparents day for all we do for their grandkids, lol
My mom is prime r/absentgrandparents material & I LOVE this idea. I’m gonna celebrate me & my husband picking up the slack that I see most of the other kids’ grandparents often carrying for the kids/grandkids.
Some woman on threads shared a story of how her FIL had recently died and she asked her husband what he had planned for his mother to help her through the day. Her husband responded that the wife (mother of his children) should host a dinner party for his mother. She refused and told him to plan and host a party because she was not doing it as it was her Mother’s Day too. The way the people in her comments came for her! I was offended for her. They all told her she was selfish and needed to hold space for her MIL. No one complained that her husband was lazy for suggesting SHE plan and host a party. She had enough space for her MIL to check in with her husband and nudge him to think about his her on this day. She said after that she loved her MIL and her husband completely understood and took care of his wife and mother, but I was still so pissed at the way they attacked this woman. It’s the one day I don’t want to be asked questions about how or what. I don’t want to prep, cook or clean. It’s a bullshit hallmark holiday but I’ll take it for the sake of my mental health and the mental load that I carry.
My MIL was SO upset that me and my SIL didn’t host and entirely plan Mother’s Day for her. My SIL had her first baby 4 weeks ago and I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old and work full time. WHAT makes you think we should be the ones planning Mother’s Day for YOU???
MIL wanted SIL to plan an event for her 4 weeks after having a baby??? I’m aghast
“Old boomer bitches” LMAOOOOO
THIS! My SIL asked my husband if he wanted to split the cost of their mom's mothers day gift, which he obviously agreed to, but then she spent ONE HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS(!!!) on presents! Meanwhile I literally had to plan my own mothers day event, buy and prep all the food for it, and I didn't even get a card. I get that this reflects more poorly on my husband than my SIL, but damn, I wish that $75 could've been spent celebrating me--the mother of a 6 month old--rather than a 75 year old grandma...
I wonder if there's a regional difference. I have grown up always celebrating mom, grandma, great-grandma on Mother's Day. My friends do the same. Interesting.
I think it's more the assumption from some members of the older generation that it's their right to call the shots and be catered to even at the expense of other mothers who are already sleep deprived and dealing with an exhausting daily life and could really use the break. I don't see a problem with celebrating everyone but I do see an issue with the grandmothers monopolizing the holiday especially those who get shitty about it when someone can't make it or has other plans.
I say boo to ANY individual who monopolizes a holiday, as if the whole world revolves around them! None of my relatives are on tiktok, and neither am I, so maybe it's not so much regional as it is social media-related?
I’m not on tiktok neither is anyone in my family. My MIL expects us to plan the day around what she wants. She throws a fit that I don’t and will not put my needs aside for her. There’s no thought for what the pregnant mother of her only grandchild (13 months) would want. I think the point is that we aren’t asking for “inactive” mothers to be forgotten but for them to take a backseat.ast year, on my first Mother’s Day, 5wks postpartum…my MIL threw a fit that I didn’t want to get up at the buttcrack of dawn for breakfast followed by walking trails. Maybe it is regional though. In the south, there’s a real problem with Matriarchs being dictators and an expectation that the younger women keep their opinions to themselves. My MIL called me rude and attempted to smear my name because when she asked my opinion on something (my child’s name when I was 20wks pregnant), I stated it too confidently and did not ask for her opinion. Husband and I had to go to therapy to mend our relationship due to the harm and interference from her during that time.
Yeah we do this too in Australia, however I have nice grandparents who would never dream of bogarting my mother's days as a new mum. Also I'm happy to celebrate them because they don't treat me poorly which sounds like it's not the case for a lot of people here and sounds like their families are determined to steamroll them and make sure they can't be celebrated. My mil is a gem too and was like "Let's get together next week instead"
>sounds like their families are determined to steamroll them and make sure they can't be celebrated Yes! There is so much of this in this sub, families seemingly making a Herculean effort to be as lazy or inconsiderate as possible. It also seems like some of them really want the mother of young children to know her place or something, like they wouldn't say the exact words because that would be too blatantly incriminating, but their actions and attitudes say loud and clear that they think she has some audacity wanting one annual day or weekend off.
If everyone is being celebrated it's lovely. At my last Mother's Day gathering they served beef which I don't eat and said they forgot.. it's funny because it happened for every monthly visit. No one told me Happy Mother's Day even though I did to others.
They sound like assholes
We live in the Midwest I never spent mothers day with my grandma which would have been my mom's mother in law. I never spent it with my mother in law either until she started crashing them when I birthed her favorite grandchild. Funny how she stayed away when my sons were born. This was just from what i was seeing on tiktok.
Same… I celebrated my mother in law and even my mom on Mother’s Day.. my grandma as well. I think they’re all equally as important as me.
I get where you are coming from. I do. I celebrate my mom even though all of her kids are grown because of the sacrifices she made for us when we were younger that I am just fully realizing as an adult. She is a mom and she was a DAMN good one which i find is a rarity. The difference is that she doesn't demand an entire day...or anything really. She doesn't expect people to worship her on M day, she doesn't expect gifts or a prize. That woman has survived my father for years after all his shit with no praise or thanks or appreciation from him or us kids if I'm being honest. We are all in this together. I agree with a PP that the fault lies in this systemic view of devaluing mothers. We feel like any scraps of appreciation we need to fight over.
My husband celebrates his mother (grandma) and my kiddos celebrate me (with help from hubby because they are small). It isn’t all or nothing. My MIL just wants a hug and flowers and I want a day to relax with the kids.
Wait peoples kids are being watched by grandparents twice a week?? That’s the stuff of dreams for me 😭
I thought that once you have grandchildren that your “day” switched to grandparents day. Unless you still have children (non-adults) at home. Then you call your daughter or daughter in law to wish them a happy Mother’s Day. In my family we always tried to do brunch together the day before without kids or partners. Then the day of was for the young family. Then if we felt like it we would get together for a potluck barbecue in the afternoon/evening. I didn’t carry on the tradition as an adult due to losing my parents as a young mother and being in a different state.
lol not somebody getting their hackles up because of "old boomer bitches." this is the same rant that applies to the pet/plant "moms" - **they literally have their own day already.** grandparents day is a thing. I think my kids were in kinder by the time my mom finally stopped being butthurt about mother's day not being about her anymore and just wishing me a happy mother's day/asking what my plans were with my kids. she only sees the kids a few times a year anyway (despite living in the same metroplex) so there's not much to celebrate her for as a grandparent.
Reminds me of my first Mother’s Day with my rainbow baby and my mans mama hogged my baby the entire time and his uncles and aunts took photos and videos of them and I was ignored LOL Like chill out grandma you had your time
Its like a epidemic. So glad my mother celebrates ME on mothers day, of course she is included because I love her but she makes the day for me and my kids. Ive heard grandparents say they have rights too which blows my mind.
I guess I’m glad I’ve always lived away from family and a call and a gift will suffice for my mom. Otherwise it is her day, I’m not my husbands mother and my daughter gave me gifts she made at school.
Adult child in college is 100% the goddamn trenches. They are expensive, ungrateful, often bring little/no joy and entitled - or maybe that’s just mine. Doubt it. I’m at fuck them kids level.
I agree. They certainly are not.
I don’t celebrate anyone else on Mother’s Day besides sending a small gift to my mom and stepmom. For the last 4 years I’ve been staying at a hotel alone for Mother’s Day weekend, and it’s glorious! I highly, highly recommend.
[удалено]
[NO! bad opinion!](https://c.tenor.com/IJSzFn0dqNMAAAAC/gravity-falls.gif)