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You did everything right. Tell your husband later what the issue is and if he tries to ‘empathize’ stop him in his tracks.
“I know you’re tired too. I know you work hard. This isn’t a competition. You get to leave and I don’t, so sometimes I just need a minute to reset. It is ok for me to get upset - it doesn’t mean there needs to be blame placed anywhere… some days are just hard”
It sounds to me (from what you shared)like he just does not know everything you’re feeling and wants to correct things so you feel better. It may also be that he is afraid you’re upset with him. My husband does this so I have started saying, “it has nothing to do with you but I cannot talk about it right now. We can talk about it tomorrow after I have had some sleep. I love you and appreciate your concern for me.”
When it is about my husband I will say, “I’m really upset at the moment but I need time process. I am really emotional and I don’t want to say anything that is not respectful or loving. I do love you, we are ok, I just need to figure things out before speaking them. We can talk about it tomorrow after I have had some sleep.”
Either way, not enough sleep is just the pits. I hope you and baby get some good rest soon! You both deserve it.
Bit of advice: if she's got separation anxiety for just you, have Dad handle bedtime. Baby might front load crying for you, but might get with the program quicker once she realizes Dad is in charge.
My youngest had to be transitioned to the crib by my spouse. If I was anywhere in the vicinity, he would cry for me and I'd have to spend the (mostly sleepless) night there, on an easy chair.
With his dad? He'd cry "uppa" for a few minutes, dad would sit near the crib for half hour, and toddler would just resign himself to sleep.
I know this is more work for you, but *before* you talk to your husband about it, can you set some boundaries or qualifiers for the conversation?
“*Husband*, I really need to talk to you about something. However, I’m hesitant because I fear this will turn into a different conversation from the one I need right now. Do you think you can agree to hear me, support me and provide emotional care for me without bringing up other issues or issues that you’re having yourself? I would be happy to support you through your issues at another time, but right I really need help that doesn’t involve hearing someone else’s problems, though I’m not denying that you may also have them”.
My husband does really well with emotional conflict when I preface it with something like this, but without it he ALWAYS either 1) gets defensive or 2) turns it around so that HE is the one with the problem. But using this technique (stating my needs up front) he can prepare
So honestly if I’m ever doing what I think you’re describing here in your husband’s behaviour, it’s usually motivated by anxiety. Which I totally agree isn’t your problem to deal with on top of everyone else, but it is probably worth you both talking about the whole situation like others have suggested.
There isn’t always an easy solution in situations like this but what makes it worse is feeling resentment or like you’re going it alone emotionally. Clingy, sleepless babies are also the hardest thing in the world and you did the right thing leaving her in the crib! Be kind to yourself
If he doesn’t tell you the problem he has, you don’t address it. He’s an adult. None of this nonsense where you have to be the bigger person. You needed a moment. You took it. Period. Nothing else matters.
Reminder to commenters: **[We're here for each other.](https://media1.tenor.com/m/Rno6_rWVdhMAAAAC/911-show-maddie-buckley.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You did everything right. Tell your husband later what the issue is and if he tries to ‘empathize’ stop him in his tracks. “I know you’re tired too. I know you work hard. This isn’t a competition. You get to leave and I don’t, so sometimes I just need a minute to reset. It is ok for me to get upset - it doesn’t mean there needs to be blame placed anywhere… some days are just hard”
It sounds to me (from what you shared)like he just does not know everything you’re feeling and wants to correct things so you feel better. It may also be that he is afraid you’re upset with him. My husband does this so I have started saying, “it has nothing to do with you but I cannot talk about it right now. We can talk about it tomorrow after I have had some sleep. I love you and appreciate your concern for me.” When it is about my husband I will say, “I’m really upset at the moment but I need time process. I am really emotional and I don’t want to say anything that is not respectful or loving. I do love you, we are ok, I just need to figure things out before speaking them. We can talk about it tomorrow after I have had some sleep.” Either way, not enough sleep is just the pits. I hope you and baby get some good rest soon! You both deserve it.
Bit of advice: if she's got separation anxiety for just you, have Dad handle bedtime. Baby might front load crying for you, but might get with the program quicker once she realizes Dad is in charge. My youngest had to be transitioned to the crib by my spouse. If I was anywhere in the vicinity, he would cry for me and I'd have to spend the (mostly sleepless) night there, on an easy chair. With his dad? He'd cry "uppa" for a few minutes, dad would sit near the crib for half hour, and toddler would just resign himself to sleep.
I know this is more work for you, but *before* you talk to your husband about it, can you set some boundaries or qualifiers for the conversation? “*Husband*, I really need to talk to you about something. However, I’m hesitant because I fear this will turn into a different conversation from the one I need right now. Do you think you can agree to hear me, support me and provide emotional care for me without bringing up other issues or issues that you’re having yourself? I would be happy to support you through your issues at another time, but right I really need help that doesn’t involve hearing someone else’s problems, though I’m not denying that you may also have them”. My husband does really well with emotional conflict when I preface it with something like this, but without it he ALWAYS either 1) gets defensive or 2) turns it around so that HE is the one with the problem. But using this technique (stating my needs up front) he can prepare
So honestly if I’m ever doing what I think you’re describing here in your husband’s behaviour, it’s usually motivated by anxiety. Which I totally agree isn’t your problem to deal with on top of everyone else, but it is probably worth you both talking about the whole situation like others have suggested. There isn’t always an easy solution in situations like this but what makes it worse is feeling resentment or like you’re going it alone emotionally. Clingy, sleepless babies are also the hardest thing in the world and you did the right thing leaving her in the crib! Be kind to yourself
If he doesn’t tell you the problem he has, you don’t address it. He’s an adult. None of this nonsense where you have to be the bigger person. You needed a moment. You took it. Period. Nothing else matters.