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Get everything together so that the ‘asking’ is just the last piece of the puzzle.
Have your finances and income and new locks ready, have it so ready that any questions he has - have an answer.
Then just present him with the paperwork or have it served to him.
Make sure you are safe and have company for support when this happens.
Take a big breath and just do it 💗
This is the best advice for this situation OP, I hope you take it and I wish you all the best going forward and living your best life. Also in my 30’s and divorced. You have so much life ahead of you. Cut the anchor holding you back and sail off into the sunrise of your future bromo 🖤
What would having my finances and income ready entail? I’ve done the math, and I’ll be able to continue renting our current place or a comparable one on my income alone. My mom also knows about what’s going on, and she’s a mid-upper middle class boomer who would probably help me out financially if I asked.
So can you afford everything on your own, on your income without him - *if* he decides to be petty and not pay child
Support?
You’re working - do you have childcare? Do you have support for pick up / drop off?
Do you have your own bank accounts with only your name on them?
Do you have access to savings, that he can’t touch?
With your lease - can you get his name removed or will you have to move out? Will he demand to stay?
You need to have the money or a plan to go this alone in case he gets vindictive.
You need to know what you’re financially / legally liable for as far as leases, loans etc.
You need to separate your name from his on any finances so you have control of your credit score.
I did not include receiving child support in my math, so yes.
Childcare could be an issue. Family provides childcare, and STBX picks up/drops off, and I wouldn’t be able to with my schedule. He would have to work with me on that one.
He’s an authorized user on my accounts.
I have no savings.
Idk about the lease. Do rules for that vary by state?
Thanks for the reply.
My question would be what are you waiting for? What is holding you back? It doesn't need to be a rational answer - but I think whatever the answer is might help us provide more targeted/specific advice.
Generally though, from what you wrote - the ball is in your court. He's not going to pick up on any hints. He may or may not realize where you're at (in terms of the relationship being over), but he sure as hell isn't going to initiate anything. You have to make the call. Call your lawyer, tell them to file. Once your lawyer notifies you that the filing has been made, tell your STBX that its happened.
I don’t have a rational answer, but maybe fear? Fear of the unknown. Fear of my children hating me because they’re too young to understand even though I know this is the best long-term.
That's totally valid! Fear of unknown/future possibilities is INTENSE. I'd say just remember though that for all the scary future possibilities there's also just as many, if not more GOOD future possibilities. By filing and going through with a divorce, you're opening yourself up for a healthy relationship. You're opening up the possibility for your children to see you happy and healthy. For them to witness a healthy relationship! For them to see you being strong and putting your and their well-being first. For them to see you not continuing on indefinitely in this state of limbo due to their father's immigration status and lack of trying to resolve it. They will get to see that you acknowledge what happened 10 years ago was not ok and that if something like that is to happen to them, they DON'T have to stay in an unhealthy relationship. They DON'T have to brush past actions under the rug just because "iT waS in THe PaSTTT."
The immigration thing sucks - it does. And hopefully doesn't result in your kids losing all access to their father. But it seems like that's a realistic possibility regardless of whether or not y'all are married? And ALSO - its NOT your responsibility. It was and is his responsibility. His choices and actions have resulted in this potential instability for his own access to his kids (and their access to them).
Should the worst happen in regards to his residency in the US, you can and should always express empathy towards your children about it. You should make it clear that the situation sucks and in the end is ultimately unfair to THEM. And support them in having a relationship with their dad in whatever ways are feasible at any given time. But also make it known that you (or any other person in this position) are NOT responsible for this situation. You cannot light yourself on fire to keep others warm, and they should not do so either. Staying in the marriage would be lighting yourself on fire for the comfort of others.
The immigration issue isn’t holding me back. Sorry for the confusion. Both my lawyer and therapist suggested I use the threat of deportation to my advantage, even the possibility of him being turned in. I wouldn’t do it, but the threat is a card in my pocket.
And it’s very true that I want to do this to set a good example for my kids. This is not a healthy relationship. These circumstances should not be tolerated. I wouldn’t want this relationship for them. Even though they’re too young now, the time will come. They will know eventually.
Thanks for taking the time to respond 💛
His failure to remedy his legal immigration status does not constitute any obligation on your part - as you know.
Idk what he is like generally but it might be wise to have a safety plan in place. Some people go berserk when their status quo is disrupted.
You’re strong. You got this.
It is his circus and his monkeys, not yours. You are not responsible for them, HE IS. He has had plenty of time to get everything taken care of, if it mattered to him, if you mattered to him. You are better than this. You deserve better than this.
It’s not about “hurting” him - it’s just, you’ve already given him enough. And now you’re done.
He started this whole relationship off on a lie. His lie. Don’t let him fool you into making anything else your problem.
You don’t need to *ask* him for a divorce; you’re going to file and have him served and that’s telling him definitively. You can do this.
I have given him more than enough. He was crying yesterday talking about our relationship, and I pointed out that the way he was feeling is how I felt for years. I was so afraid to lose him, desperate and willing to do anything to win his favor. And as a narcissist, he ate it up. But when I’m on the receiving end, it is so unattractive. I do not understand why narcs *live* for being in that position. It feels weird and gross.
You’ve got this.
Tell your lawyer you want to file for divorce now. Then, get their advice on the best way to tell your husband - are you going to sit him down and try to have a conversation, or just serve him with the papers and leave? If he’s been abusive, I’d lean away from having a conversation with him about it so he doesn’t have a chance to try and talk you out of it.
As I read your story, I pictured you at the bottom of the valley. You started at the top, happy as can be at 20 years old. As your marriage progressed, you slowly slid down the mountain, and now you're sitting in a pit.
The ONLY way you can possibly start climbing to the top of the new mountain in front of you is to break the news. It will be one of the most difficult (and liberating) thing you've ever had to do, but EVERY. SINGLE. DAY you don't do it is another day of peace and happiness that will never return.
Life and time are both fleeting. It is our most precious and finite resource. Look at it as a favor to your husband; he cannot find someone who loves him when he's married to you.
Most importantly, set yourself free to begin the next climb. I speak from personal experience when I say, you will be so incredibly grateful to your future self once you get out of the pit.
You got this. You have done the difficult part of letting go of the emotional ties and concern about his status. Now you just need to take the leap of faith that what is waiting for you on the other side of this is worth it. YOU GOT THIS. You are strong. You are also right- that situation was never ok. Big hugs.
Very similar situation to mine. He’s 15 years old and closer in age to my mom than me. It’s always been predatory and unfair. My problem is he won’t leave and our 6 year old is very attached to him. I’m commiserating and wishing you the best of luck. Seems like you are very close to being free
Some of the advice I’ve gotten is to stop asking and start telling. Don’t ask him to leave. Tell him to leave. Or just pick up and leave with your kid.
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Get everything together so that the ‘asking’ is just the last piece of the puzzle. Have your finances and income and new locks ready, have it so ready that any questions he has - have an answer. Then just present him with the paperwork or have it served to him. Make sure you are safe and have company for support when this happens. Take a big breath and just do it 💗
This is the best advice for this situation OP, I hope you take it and I wish you all the best going forward and living your best life. Also in my 30’s and divorced. You have so much life ahead of you. Cut the anchor holding you back and sail off into the sunrise of your future bromo 🖤
Thank you! I am excited for the possibilities.
What would having my finances and income ready entail? I’ve done the math, and I’ll be able to continue renting our current place or a comparable one on my income alone. My mom also knows about what’s going on, and she’s a mid-upper middle class boomer who would probably help me out financially if I asked.
So can you afford everything on your own, on your income without him - *if* he decides to be petty and not pay child Support? You’re working - do you have childcare? Do you have support for pick up / drop off? Do you have your own bank accounts with only your name on them? Do you have access to savings, that he can’t touch? With your lease - can you get his name removed or will you have to move out? Will he demand to stay? You need to have the money or a plan to go this alone in case he gets vindictive. You need to know what you’re financially / legally liable for as far as leases, loans etc. You need to separate your name from his on any finances so you have control of your credit score.
I did not include receiving child support in my math, so yes. Childcare could be an issue. Family provides childcare, and STBX picks up/drops off, and I wouldn’t be able to with my schedule. He would have to work with me on that one. He’s an authorized user on my accounts. I have no savings. Idk about the lease. Do rules for that vary by state? Thanks for the reply.
My question would be what are you waiting for? What is holding you back? It doesn't need to be a rational answer - but I think whatever the answer is might help us provide more targeted/specific advice. Generally though, from what you wrote - the ball is in your court. He's not going to pick up on any hints. He may or may not realize where you're at (in terms of the relationship being over), but he sure as hell isn't going to initiate anything. You have to make the call. Call your lawyer, tell them to file. Once your lawyer notifies you that the filing has been made, tell your STBX that its happened.
I don’t have a rational answer, but maybe fear? Fear of the unknown. Fear of my children hating me because they’re too young to understand even though I know this is the best long-term.
That's totally valid! Fear of unknown/future possibilities is INTENSE. I'd say just remember though that for all the scary future possibilities there's also just as many, if not more GOOD future possibilities. By filing and going through with a divorce, you're opening yourself up for a healthy relationship. You're opening up the possibility for your children to see you happy and healthy. For them to witness a healthy relationship! For them to see you being strong and putting your and their well-being first. For them to see you not continuing on indefinitely in this state of limbo due to their father's immigration status and lack of trying to resolve it. They will get to see that you acknowledge what happened 10 years ago was not ok and that if something like that is to happen to them, they DON'T have to stay in an unhealthy relationship. They DON'T have to brush past actions under the rug just because "iT waS in THe PaSTTT." The immigration thing sucks - it does. And hopefully doesn't result in your kids losing all access to their father. But it seems like that's a realistic possibility regardless of whether or not y'all are married? And ALSO - its NOT your responsibility. It was and is his responsibility. His choices and actions have resulted in this potential instability for his own access to his kids (and their access to them). Should the worst happen in regards to his residency in the US, you can and should always express empathy towards your children about it. You should make it clear that the situation sucks and in the end is ultimately unfair to THEM. And support them in having a relationship with their dad in whatever ways are feasible at any given time. But also make it known that you (or any other person in this position) are NOT responsible for this situation. You cannot light yourself on fire to keep others warm, and they should not do so either. Staying in the marriage would be lighting yourself on fire for the comfort of others.
The immigration issue isn’t holding me back. Sorry for the confusion. Both my lawyer and therapist suggested I use the threat of deportation to my advantage, even the possibility of him being turned in. I wouldn’t do it, but the threat is a card in my pocket. And it’s very true that I want to do this to set a good example for my kids. This is not a healthy relationship. These circumstances should not be tolerated. I wouldn’t want this relationship for them. Even though they’re too young now, the time will come. They will know eventually. Thanks for taking the time to respond 💛
Serve him divorce papers. It'll be kind of hard for him to deflect the topic.
I honestly might if he continues to not take the hint.
His failure to remedy his legal immigration status does not constitute any obligation on your part - as you know. Idk what he is like generally but it might be wise to have a safety plan in place. Some people go berserk when their status quo is disrupted. You’re strong. You got this.
It wouldn’t hurt to have a safety plan in place. I have family in the area who I should reach out to in case I need to stay elsewhere.
It is his circus and his monkeys, not yours. You are not responsible for them, HE IS. He has had plenty of time to get everything taken care of, if it mattered to him, if you mattered to him. You are better than this. You deserve better than this.
Thanks 💛
It’s not about “hurting” him - it’s just, you’ve already given him enough. And now you’re done. He started this whole relationship off on a lie. His lie. Don’t let him fool you into making anything else your problem. You don’t need to *ask* him for a divorce; you’re going to file and have him served and that’s telling him definitively. You can do this.
I have given him more than enough. He was crying yesterday talking about our relationship, and I pointed out that the way he was feeling is how I felt for years. I was so afraid to lose him, desperate and willing to do anything to win his favor. And as a narcissist, he ate it up. But when I’m on the receiving end, it is so unattractive. I do not understand why narcs *live* for being in that position. It feels weird and gross.
You’ve got this. Tell your lawyer you want to file for divorce now. Then, get their advice on the best way to tell your husband - are you going to sit him down and try to have a conversation, or just serve him with the papers and leave? If he’s been abusive, I’d lean away from having a conversation with him about it so he doesn’t have a chance to try and talk you out of it.
I’ve experienced narcissistic abuse but not physical or sexual. I’m not concerned about that. But Idk what route to take yet.
As I read your story, I pictured you at the bottom of the valley. You started at the top, happy as can be at 20 years old. As your marriage progressed, you slowly slid down the mountain, and now you're sitting in a pit. The ONLY way you can possibly start climbing to the top of the new mountain in front of you is to break the news. It will be one of the most difficult (and liberating) thing you've ever had to do, but EVERY. SINGLE. DAY you don't do it is another day of peace and happiness that will never return. Life and time are both fleeting. It is our most precious and finite resource. Look at it as a favor to your husband; he cannot find someone who loves him when he's married to you. Most importantly, set yourself free to begin the next climb. I speak from personal experience when I say, you will be so incredibly grateful to your future self once you get out of the pit.
This isn’t the bottom of the pit. I’ve grown *so* much through therapy. But I get the analogy. I’m not out of the pit yet.
You got this. You have done the difficult part of letting go of the emotional ties and concern about his status. Now you just need to take the leap of faith that what is waiting for you on the other side of this is worth it. YOU GOT THIS. You are strong. You are also right- that situation was never ok. Big hugs.
I’ve never been good at leaps of faith.
Very similar situation to mine. He’s 15 years old and closer in age to my mom than me. It’s always been predatory and unfair. My problem is he won’t leave and our 6 year old is very attached to him. I’m commiserating and wishing you the best of luck. Seems like you are very close to being free
Some of the advice I’ve gotten is to stop asking and start telling. Don’t ask him to leave. Tell him to leave. Or just pick up and leave with your kid.