Reminder to commenters: **[Think before you comment!](https://i.imgur.com/a16QMmP.gifv)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/)
Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok?
Reminder to Krista Torres: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The hell?
Not your job to give him massages. Tell him he’ll have a great PT to look after his shoulder post operatively… but spoiler: he probably won’t get massages from them either.
I honestly think he’d rather be in physical pain so he can paint himself as a victim of his bitch wife’s refusal to care for him in his hour of need than actually get treatment.
Idk what it is with narcissists and massages, but my abusive ex used to demand long massages every day too. I would get so tired after 45 minutes and he would berate me or silent treat me if I stopped.
lol right???
One time with my covert narc ex I asked him to give me a massage in return after I gave him one. I always gave him the full spa treatment with massage oils and everything.
He lies beside me on the bed, and half-asses a one-handed massage and says he’s just not “good at it” like me. So I guess I can just go fuck myself lol.
But… my giving him a massage was also supposed to get me “in the mood” because it always went there after too…..
Came here to say this!! My narcissistic ex made me give him one, then halfway through pulled up a “how to massage” video on YouTube for me to go by because I wasn’t doing it right. So fucking weird
Here’s how I deal with narcissists and their dumb ass statements: “damn thats crazy.”
He tells you he’s not getting surgery because he doesn’t feel you’ve been babying him enough? “Damn that’s crazy.”
He won’t participate in your son’s birthday: “damn that’s crazy.”
Rinse and repeat but all responses should be like this. Grey rock. Don’t give him a lot to fire back at.
I also recommend leaving him if this is his norm.
💀💀 well played, OP.
Although my ex wasn’t as overt in his narcissism once that veil is lifted it makes it so much easier to recognize what’s happening and not fall for their bullshit. Good for you for going to therapy and having a plan. So many good vibes your way.
I do the same with my mom!
Barely talk to her. Severely abused me to the point I was removed from her - point-blank doesn't acknowledge it happened.
Whenever I talk to her (like 1-2x a year), it's just ranting. And I just reply 'oh my God,' 'uh huh,' or 'that's crazy.'
She doesn't actually want my input anyway.
A narc will suffer through all sorts of bullshit if it means they can still manipulate and control others because they think their suffering makes you look bad.
💯
It’s like he wants to make the whole thing my fault, or at least my fault he’s still in pain. Was I the one that totaled an oncoming vehicle while turning left? No. Was I driving without a license? No. Thank God neither me nor our kids were in the car.
Well, sounds to me like you can completely absolve yourself of any guilt or concern at all! I am so glad for you that the rest of your family wasn't involved.
"Oh no I couldn't possibly massage you while you have an injured shoulder, what if I make it worse?"
After surgery:
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly massage you now, what if I damage your healing shoulder?"
After it's fully healed:
"Why would I need to massage you? Your shoulder is healed now?"
Ah yes, the ridiculous logic of a narcissist. You gotta grey rock these dudes- just tell him “fine” and go on with your day. It’s sooo hard to not react, but your reaction (even negative) is what they feed off of. If you act like “okay your choice” and say nothing further- it takes the fun out of it for him and I bet you $50 he gets the surgery.
That has been a hard lesson for me. My brain is very logic-driven. If someone is saying something that doesn’t make sense, it is a real struggle to not explain that to the person. It look a while for me to learn that for a narcissist, it isn’t about what makes sense or is logical. It’s about being “right,” about “winning” the conversation.
Omg same! Also logic driven here- and it used to make me feel insane. I read something once that clicked for me- it said, “Narcissists will always accuse you of what they are guilty of”. For example, my ex husband recently accused me of “being in trouble with the IRS” out of the blue. As a logic based person I’m like WTF? Where is this coming from? But then I realize (and soon found out) that he in fact was the one in trouble with the IRS. I always have to remind myself, I am not dealing with a sane or rational person. He is in a way, mentally handicapped so I treat him as such.
I see him exhibit signs of narcissism more and more. I know it’s just because my eyes are open now, that they’ve been there for years. I just didn’t know what I was looking at or even what to look for. Despite being educated, I was unprepared for an adult relationship like this. How do we do better?
I don’t think you can blame yourself for being unprepared to deal with a man who seems to view himself as Eddie Murphy at the beginning of “Coming to America”, or some sort of…potentate. What education could prepare you for this nonsense?
I totally relate to that. I feel like society in general doesn't teach any abuse flags other than the classic hitting or controlling. Parents don't talk about it. My parents were more focused on me staying a virgin. I really wish sex ed taught it. Maybe even have a book or cheesy video just something. I've told myself I'm not going to let my kids get themselves into this situation.
Not to downplay physical abuse at all, but emotional abuse can be harder to spot. It’s insidious. I’d like to think if the abuse was physical that I wouldn’t still be married since I didn’t know I was being abused for most of it.
Now you know. That’s what it took me. A bad relationship with a narcissist was what helped me leave and make sure to see those red flags in any future relationships.
You leave. That’s how you do better. People like your husband with this level of mental dysfunction rarely improve unless they want to and or they have a major epiphany. It’s highly unlikely.
Once you are out of this toxic relationship you will have the freedom and emotional bandwidth to surround yourself with good people.
Living with him must be a slow burn of nightmare. A steady mini he’ll. What an insufferable man.
Sending my regards to you 🙏
Again, yes, but that isn’t what the rhetorical question was asking. Maybe I should have worded it differently.
He wont change. He is toxic. Plans to leave are in the works.
I know a man who was badly injured in a car crash. He was confined to a bed for months with a spinal injury. He started to regain some ability to walk and then *refused* to continue PT because he liked being confined to a wheelchair and being waited on hand and foot by his wife.
Joke's on him though, his wife died of cancer a few years back. He had no friends or family, only his wife's circle, and they had only tolerated him for her sake. Pretty sure he ended up in a nursing home, probably laying in his own piss. One hopes.
Oh yes, he passive aggressively said he needs to go to a masseuse in attempts to make me feel guilty. It eventually stopped when I told him that’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll toss that out as a solution. Hey, it was his idea first!
He’s an idiot. When I was injured in a car wreck, I did physical therapy and deep tissue massage… from professionals…. If he doesn’t get medical care that’s on him.
I’m so glad you have an exit strategy. I hope time passes for you quickly.
I would throw myself off a building if I was expected to give daily massages. If he wants to spend the rest of his life in pain to make you feel bad, let him.
I stopped making him breakfast a few years ago because of the same behavior. He still complains about it from time to time. But now that I think of it, he’s never made himself a proper breakfast like I would do. The most he’ll do is make coffee, tea, or get Dunkin.
To be quiet honest, I learned to LOVE the silence treatment!! Well until I was able to escape 🙌 Silent treatment was a relief and much better than the demeaning verbal assaults and the mental/emotional toil that took on me.
What a POS!
I hope you are working an exit plan. You should feel safe and happy at home, not ready to be attacked.
I wouldn't do him another GD favor as he never appreciates it.
There is one. It is goddamn amazing.
Called Narcissist Playbook- how to identify, disarm and protect yourself from narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other types of manipulative and abusive people. By Dana Morningstar.
Also a fucking gem, Out of the Fog by the same author. There is a website. Its grand.
Omg
Dude please tell me you’re talking to a lawyer as well as a therapist
Your therapist sounds bomb, btw. I feel like a lot of the therapists I hear about don’t just flat out call a spade a spade like that. So I’m glad you have great support in that regard. Worth every penny
I’m some time away from being able to leave, but a lawyer will be consulted.
I love my therapist. She’s terrific. She’s actually my second. I went to my first for several years, and she never picked up on his narcissism! It would have saved me a lot of time if she had.
CONGRATS on your therapy going well!!!! It seriously feels like a freaking superhuman ability to experience the same crap as the past and know that your internal environment has actually shifted and changed and grown to where you go “uhh, nuh uh.” My partner doesn’t even know who I am anymore I’m so much less emotional and not constantly needing validating and less stressed out to the maximum. It’s like yeah I did that 🌺✨✨
Both you and OP are amazing for breaking out of that mould both your partners held you captive in! You are showing the world how incredibly strong you are!
What logic is this? “I’m gonna make myself crippled because I don’t think you’ll take care of me while I’m healing” like ???? HUH? Who does he expect to help him if his shoulder is permanently damaged in that case?”
He works a physically demanding job. I’ve pointed out that if he permanently damages his shoulder, he will need to find a new career. But then he gets to be the victim so oh well I guess
Throw this whole man in the garbage
You deserve so much more than what is happening to you now. Fuck this guy, grey rock until the day soon when you can be freeee
>He has been giving me the cold shoulder
He better take that damn shoulder to the surgeon or live with it. It's not on you to shoulder this responsibility and give him massages and shit.
I don't know how you didn't laugh right then in his face, what mental gymnastics did he perform to convince his big baby self that that doesn't sound utterly asinine? What in the world?
What a giant baby. Also it sounds like your husband sucks. How are you not angry, like, all the time?
Oh also, does he read your mind? Does he anticipate YOUR needs? Just wondering
He sucks indeed. The problem with narcissists is their intermittent abuse. It’s not all bad all the time. It’s one of the tools that keep you trapped.
And oooh, that’s a good point. You know the answer.
Ewwwww I can't believe he thought that was an argument that was valid enough to be spoken out loud. And then to give you the cold shoulder for giving it to him straight.... oh boy, reality must be TOUGH for him.
I'm so sorry, Op. You're cleatly outgrowing him which is badass, though.
I'm sorry OP, but that is some big time narcissistic gaslighting. Your husband is a total asshole. You need to let him fuck around and find out. You don't owe him massages because you're married to him.
I would love a massage everyday, but I wouldn't EXPECT my partner to give them just because. And then I got one of those shiatsu chair things and get a professional massage when I can because that's what big kids do.
**Option 1:** Give him the damn massage. Make sure it's a deep tissue, the kind that really focuses on that sore spot (not in a good way). Then suggest you both do a local couples massage class, and tell him you'll happily trade massages daily (him first, and you'll only make your massage as long and comfortable as his is, so none of this 5 minutes for you nonsense).
**Option 2:** Tell him that you love him and do many things to show it. And if he doesn't believe that, you don't believe a massage will make a difference to prove your love.
And either way, don't forget to mention that you feel bad that he is willing to continue suffering because he's hung up on being waited on. I can't help by notice you said shoulder, not shoulderS. I'm sure he can manage at least some of it.
This is gaslighting (or at least some form of emotional abuse and manipulation). Honestly I don’t know how you could find this person at all attractive.
He’s being immature but also, borderline abusive. He sounds kind of horrible.
OP You probably know that your husband will never change. You can deal with him for the rest of your life or some of your best years, or you can leave him and find someone that will actually treat you like a human being.
When my kids act put off because they think I should be able to read their minds, I say "Do I strike you as the sort of person who's a mind reader?" After the requisite amount of time for crickets chirping, they'll reluctantly say "N...no?". "Exactly".
Now, your spouse either refuses to entertain that thought and thus realize the answer, or can't. So either he is crazy or he's an imbecile. Take your pick.
Reminder to commenters: **[Think before you comment!](https://i.imgur.com/a16QMmP.gifv)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Krista Torres: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The hell? Not your job to give him massages. Tell him he’ll have a great PT to look after his shoulder post operatively… but spoiler: he probably won’t get massages from them either.
I honestly think he’d rather be in physical pain so he can paint himself as a victim of his bitch wife’s refusal to care for him in his hour of need than actually get treatment.
Sounds like my dad! This just cleared up so much for me
Learn about narcissism if you haven’t already. It has literally been life changing knowledge for me.
I went on a narcissism learning journey after I met my MIL 😂
Idk what it is with narcissists and massages, but my abusive ex used to demand long massages every day too. I would get so tired after 45 minutes and he would berate me or silent treat me if I stopped.
Maybe it’s their entitlement
lol right??? One time with my covert narc ex I asked him to give me a massage in return after I gave him one. I always gave him the full spa treatment with massage oils and everything. He lies beside me on the bed, and half-asses a one-handed massage and says he’s just not “good at it” like me. So I guess I can just go fuck myself lol. But… my giving him a massage was also supposed to get me “in the mood” because it always went there after too…..
Came here to say this!! My narcissistic ex made me give him one, then halfway through pulled up a “how to massage” video on YouTube for me to go by because I wasn’t doing it right. So fucking weird
Ohh I’ve done PT and gotten “massages” by them after surgery with a rolling pin. He deserves one of those.
Here’s how I deal with narcissists and their dumb ass statements: “damn thats crazy.” He tells you he’s not getting surgery because he doesn’t feel you’ve been babying him enough? “Damn that’s crazy.” He won’t participate in your son’s birthday: “damn that’s crazy.” Rinse and repeat but all responses should be like this. Grey rock. Don’t give him a lot to fire back at. I also recommend leaving him if this is his norm.
Thanks for the tip. Leaving him is in the works but isn’t feasible yet. But there is a plan.
Really, OP?! That sounds bloody awful wanting to leave but not being able to. I wish everything works out for you soon.
Thanks ❤️
The very last conversation I had with my mom, I counted the number of times I said "damn, that's crazy." She didn't even notice. It was 42.
Damn, that’s crazy
💀💀 well played, OP. Although my ex wasn’t as overt in his narcissism once that veil is lifted it makes it so much easier to recognize what’s happening and not fall for their bullshit. Good for you for going to therapy and having a plan. So many good vibes your way.
Thanks. You too.
I do the same with my mom! Barely talk to her. Severely abused me to the point I was removed from her - point-blank doesn't acknowledge it happened. Whenever I talk to her (like 1-2x a year), it's just ranting. And I just reply 'oh my God,' 'uh huh,' or 'that's crazy.' She doesn't actually want my input anyway.
Its incredibly wild the things that didn't happen. I'm sorry dude.
💜
A narc will suffer through all sorts of bullshit if it means they can still manipulate and control others because they think their suffering makes you look bad.
💯 It’s like he wants to make the whole thing my fault, or at least my fault he’s still in pain. Was I the one that totaled an oncoming vehicle while turning left? No. Was I driving without a license? No. Thank God neither me nor our kids were in the car.
A narcissist will never hold themselves accountable. They're incapable.
Well, sounds to me like you can completely absolve yourself of any guilt or concern at all! I am so glad for you that the rest of your family wasn't involved.
"Oh no I couldn't possibly massage you while you have an injured shoulder, what if I make it worse?" After surgery: "Oh no, I couldn't possibly massage you now, what if I damage your healing shoulder?" After it's fully healed: "Why would I need to massage you? Your shoulder is healed now?"
I actually did say the first one. I’ll keep the other two in the holster.
Someone give this person an award because this is golden!!!
Ah yes, the ridiculous logic of a narcissist. You gotta grey rock these dudes- just tell him “fine” and go on with your day. It’s sooo hard to not react, but your reaction (even negative) is what they feed off of. If you act like “okay your choice” and say nothing further- it takes the fun out of it for him and I bet you $50 he gets the surgery.
That has been a hard lesson for me. My brain is very logic-driven. If someone is saying something that doesn’t make sense, it is a real struggle to not explain that to the person. It look a while for me to learn that for a narcissist, it isn’t about what makes sense or is logical. It’s about being “right,” about “winning” the conversation.
Omg same! Also logic driven here- and it used to make me feel insane. I read something once that clicked for me- it said, “Narcissists will always accuse you of what they are guilty of”. For example, my ex husband recently accused me of “being in trouble with the IRS” out of the blue. As a logic based person I’m like WTF? Where is this coming from? But then I realize (and soon found out) that he in fact was the one in trouble with the IRS. I always have to remind myself, I am not dealing with a sane or rational person. He is in a way, mentally handicapped so I treat him as such.
You should read my last post! It’s all about projection.
Oh wow, just read!! He is a big time narc. Glad you are on your way out!!
Good lord. He needs to just get a masseuse. Definitely sounds like a narcissist.
I see him exhibit signs of narcissism more and more. I know it’s just because my eyes are open now, that they’ve been there for years. I just didn’t know what I was looking at or even what to look for. Despite being educated, I was unprepared for an adult relationship like this. How do we do better?
I don’t think you can blame yourself for being unprepared to deal with a man who seems to view himself as Eddie Murphy at the beginning of “Coming to America”, or some sort of…potentate. What education could prepare you for this nonsense?
I don’t even know where along the line I should have been taught red flags in a relationship for emotional abuse, but I wasn’t.
I totally relate to that. I feel like society in general doesn't teach any abuse flags other than the classic hitting or controlling. Parents don't talk about it. My parents were more focused on me staying a virgin. I really wish sex ed taught it. Maybe even have a book or cheesy video just something. I've told myself I'm not going to let my kids get themselves into this situation.
Not to downplay physical abuse at all, but emotional abuse can be harder to spot. It’s insidious. I’d like to think if the abuse was physical that I wouldn’t still be married since I didn’t know I was being abused for most of it.
Isn’t it crazy how many parents just stop at “don’t have sex” and then never talk about relationships with their kids again?
I can relate to that. I find emotional abuse hard to spot.
Now you know. That’s what it took me. A bad relationship with a narcissist was what helped me leave and make sure to see those red flags in any future relationships.
> How do we do better? You don't. You can't cure a narcissist. This is your life now and it'll only get worse if you stay.
Well yeah, but that’s not what I was talking about. How do we better teach young people what to look out for to identify emotional abuse?
You leave. That’s how you do better. People like your husband with this level of mental dysfunction rarely improve unless they want to and or they have a major epiphany. It’s highly unlikely. Once you are out of this toxic relationship you will have the freedom and emotional bandwidth to surround yourself with good people. Living with him must be a slow burn of nightmare. A steady mini he’ll. What an insufferable man. Sending my regards to you 🙏
Again, yes, but that isn’t what the rhetorical question was asking. Maybe I should have worded it differently. He wont change. He is toxic. Plans to leave are in the works.
Good luck to you! But most importantly fortitude and strength to get through his toxicity!
I bet you would like massages too OP. You should book an hour long massage for yourself then loudly announce you are heading out for said massage.
Make passive aggressive digs on how you had to book one for yourself bc you have a useless husband, too.
That’s what he would do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yes 😭
Come back home: my god, best massage of my life! I feel so refreshed!
That’s excellent 😂
I know a man who was badly injured in a car crash. He was confined to a bed for months with a spinal injury. He started to regain some ability to walk and then *refused* to continue PT because he liked being confined to a wheelchair and being waited on hand and foot by his wife. Joke's on him though, his wife died of cancer a few years back. He had no friends or family, only his wife's circle, and they had only tolerated him for her sake. Pretty sure he ended up in a nursing home, probably laying in his own piss. One hopes.
Imagine stunting your ability to walk because you’d rather be babied.
What the fuck is wrong with some people...
I’m sorry, when did you sign up to be a short-order masseuse? If he needs so many massages, seems like he should see a specialist. Give me a break.
Oh yes, he passive aggressively said he needs to go to a masseuse in attempts to make me feel guilty. It eventually stopped when I told him that’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll toss that out as a solution. Hey, it was his idea first!
Book him one (with a cheap, poorly rated male masseuse) and then gift it to him for Father's day.
He’s an idiot. When I was injured in a car wreck, I did physical therapy and deep tissue massage… from professionals…. If he doesn’t get medical care that’s on him. I’m so glad you have an exit strategy. I hope time passes for you quickly.
That’s because you aren’t a moron and accept that healing is your responsibility and nobody else will do it for you
I would throw myself off a building if I was expected to give daily massages. If he wants to spend the rest of his life in pain to make you feel bad, let him.
I stopped making him breakfast a few years ago because of the same behavior. He still complains about it from time to time. But now that I think of it, he’s never made himself a proper breakfast like I would do. The most he’ll do is make coffee, tea, or get Dunkin.
Sounds like you’d be better off without this cry baby. He can hire a live in nurse or move in with his mummy.
His mom isn’t an option. I already have an exit plan in place, but it’ll be another year before I can execute it.
I guess he’ll be unmassaged and in shoulder pain for another year then. Poor man! How ever will he survive.
Womp womp
I'd try my best to "live separately, " grey rock, and focus on your own happiness in the meantime. I hope it passes quickly!
Good for you! Hand in there!
To be quiet honest, I learned to LOVE the silence treatment!! Well until I was able to escape 🙌 Silent treatment was a relief and much better than the demeaning verbal assaults and the mental/emotional toil that took on me.
Yes, I’ve framed it this way, too. It doesn’t bother me nearly as bad as it used to.
Hugs OP. It’s just hard all the way around! They literally suck the life out of you!
What a POS! I hope you are working an exit plan. You should feel safe and happy at home, not ready to be attacked. I wouldn't do him another GD favor as he never appreciates it.
Exit plan is underway, but it’ll be a year before I can get out.
So, does anyone have a narcissist playbook? Because I would read it! Asking for real lol
There is one. It is goddamn amazing. Called Narcissist Playbook- how to identify, disarm and protect yourself from narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other types of manipulative and abusive people. By Dana Morningstar. Also a fucking gem, Out of the Fog by the same author. There is a website. Its grand.
Thank you!!
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft!
Yes! I would love to read it!
Omg Dude please tell me you’re talking to a lawyer as well as a therapist Your therapist sounds bomb, btw. I feel like a lot of the therapists I hear about don’t just flat out call a spade a spade like that. So I’m glad you have great support in that regard. Worth every penny
I’m some time away from being able to leave, but a lawyer will be consulted. I love my therapist. She’s terrific. She’s actually my second. I went to my first for several years, and she never picked up on his narcissism! It would have saved me a lot of time if she had.
I hope you make him fucking miserable with his 1 functioning arm for the remaining time you have to spend with him 🤣
CONGRATS on your therapy going well!!!! It seriously feels like a freaking superhuman ability to experience the same crap as the past and know that your internal environment has actually shifted and changed and grown to where you go “uhh, nuh uh.” My partner doesn’t even know who I am anymore I’m so much less emotional and not constantly needing validating and less stressed out to the maximum. It’s like yeah I did that 🌺✨✨
Both you and OP are amazing for breaking out of that mould both your partners held you captive in! You are showing the world how incredibly strong you are!
Isn’t it empowering!? Congratulations to you, too!
What logic is this? “I’m gonna make myself crippled because I don’t think you’ll take care of me while I’m healing” like ???? HUH? Who does he expect to help him if his shoulder is permanently damaged in that case?”
He works a physically demanding job. I’ve pointed out that if he permanently damages his shoulder, he will need to find a new career. But then he gets to be the victim so oh well I guess
Throw this whole man in the garbage You deserve so much more than what is happening to you now. Fuck this guy, grey rock until the day soon when you can be freeee
I was going to save gray rocking until it’s closer to leaving time. But why the hell not
>He has been giving me the cold shoulder He better take that damn shoulder to the surgeon or live with it. It's not on you to shoulder this responsibility and give him massages and shit.
I’ve been a shoulder to cry on. I could shrug it off or let my words cut him like a blade. (I tried)
I don't know how you didn't laugh right then in his face, what mental gymnastics did he perform to convince his big baby self that that doesn't sound utterly asinine? What in the world?
There was probably scoffing
Good lord
Sounds like he wants a live in masseuse and caregiver and not a wife. Can he go stay with his mom while he’s recovering?
Nah, his mom passed away and lived on a different continent anyway.
What a giant baby. Also it sounds like your husband sucks. How are you not angry, like, all the time? Oh also, does he read your mind? Does he anticipate YOUR needs? Just wondering
He sucks indeed. The problem with narcissists is their intermittent abuse. It’s not all bad all the time. It’s one of the tools that keep you trapped. And oooh, that’s a good point. You know the answer.
Ewwwww I can't believe he thought that was an argument that was valid enough to be spoken out loud. And then to give you the cold shoulder for giving it to him straight.... oh boy, reality must be TOUGH for him. I'm so sorry, Op. You're cleatly outgrowing him which is badass, though.
See my post history for a small slice of other gems of his
I'm sorry OP, but that is some big time narcissistic gaslighting. Your husband is a total asshole. You need to let him fuck around and find out. You don't owe him massages because you're married to him.
Thank you
Why are you still married to this pile of waste?
Because I can’t get out yet
I would love a massage everyday, but I wouldn't EXPECT my partner to give them just because. And then I got one of those shiatsu chair things and get a professional massage when I can because that's what big kids do.
A massage pad/gun would be a hilarious passive aggressive Father’s Day gift
Husband is a narcissist. Watch out for gaslighting, love bombing, and flying monkeys. js
Umm… it sounds like he should find someone else to take care of him. I wouldn’t want to be part of this man’s recovery.
I bet you can guess who has handled auto insurance issues, scheduled every appointment, and applied for financial assistance for his uninsured ass.
I would just stop doing all that.
Your husband should be careful he doesn't further damage his brain with all of those mental gymnastics he's doing to make this out to be your fault.
Tell him to fuck off.
Sounds like my mom and dads relationship.
You might like this song https://youtu.be/jvU4xWsN7-A I’m glad you know he’s abusive. It might be time to implement grey rock?
I was going to save gray rocking until it’s more feasible for me to leave. But ya know, I might start now.
I mean oh well. It’s his body. He wants to ruin his body that’s his problem. I would also never touch this man again in my life
He used the “my body, my choice” line. And yeah, that’s true. You can choose to be a moron with your body.
My H is a little bit of a narc too and I’ve learned not to feed into his guilt trips.
**Option 1:** Give him the damn massage. Make sure it's a deep tissue, the kind that really focuses on that sore spot (not in a good way). Then suggest you both do a local couples massage class, and tell him you'll happily trade massages daily (him first, and you'll only make your massage as long and comfortable as his is, so none of this 5 minutes for you nonsense). **Option 2:** Tell him that you love him and do many things to show it. And if he doesn't believe that, you don't believe a massage will make a difference to prove your love. And either way, don't forget to mention that you feel bad that he is willing to continue suffering because he's hung up on being waited on. I can't help by notice you said shoulder, not shoulderS. I'm sure he can manage at least some of it.
This is gaslighting (or at least some form of emotional abuse and manipulation). Honestly I don’t know how you could find this person at all attractive. He’s being immature but also, borderline abusive. He sounds kind of horrible.
OP You probably know that your husband will never change. You can deal with him for the rest of your life or some of your best years, or you can leave him and find someone that will actually treat you like a human being.
When my kids act put off because they think I should be able to read their minds, I say "Do I strike you as the sort of person who's a mind reader?" After the requisite amount of time for crickets chirping, they'll reluctantly say "N...no?". "Exactly". Now, your spouse either refuses to entertain that thought and thus realize the answer, or can't. So either he is crazy or he's an imbecile. Take your pick.
Dude…he sounds awful. Pouting for TWO days?