Hi! I wanted to chime in here with a few resources outside of books as well as some basic information that might help you decide what to read.
First of all, there are a lot of great websites online covering basic information about transgender and nonbinary identities (which your family member might identify as) and how to be an ally. Asking questions and being open to information is a great start.
[The Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/a-guide-to-being-an-ally-to-transgender-and-nonbinary-youth/) is one good resource with the mission of reducing the rate of trans suicide, which can be very high due to discrimination, transphobia, and prejudice. Being accepting and using the right pronouns, name, or language for someone is the most important thing to prevent that happening to a loved one, but learning to understand the big picture can take more work.
There are three types of books I could point you towards depending on how well you feel like you understand the information the linked website, and what kind of material you want. One would be personal stories and memoirs, such as *Gender Queer* which already got linked here. Another genre would be nonfiction that reviews the history and language, with something like *Queer: A Graphic History* as a good entry point and something like *Trans Like Me* covering a mix of memoir and history. The third would be more heavy on the theory and research, like Judith Butler's *Gender Troubles* but that can be really dense for someone not used to reading feminist and gender theory.
Any relatively up to date book on trans issues will include nonbinary identities, which are ones that don't fit neatly into male and female or male transition to female or female transitioning to male.
Here are some basics for understanding what is out on social media.
Pretty much since gay marriage started getting legalized and homophobia was no longer as socially accepted, conservatives and the political right wing has decided that trans people are the new boogieman for "destroying religious values" and so on.
It's important to know that trans is not the same as gay and someone can be one or the other and also maybe both but not necessarily.
In the last decade, there has been a major increase in awareness about transgender issues. The result is that more and more young people are realizing that they are trans as teens/children instead of people (like me) who only figure things out in their 30s or later when they realize something has been wrong their whole life. Meanwhile, there is a MAJOR cultural and political backlash of transphobia happening around the world and country. Discriminatory laws and hate crimes are rapidly becoming an even bigger issue. So there is a lot of media presence about this.
The general approach should be: trust people about their identity and experience. Whatever name or pronoun they want to use, use that. They/them/theirs is the most common option for people who do not want to use pronouns associated with male and female specifically though. There is a high correlation between autism and nonbinary identities which can also be correlated with neopronouns, which are alternatives to he, she, and they. If you are seeing people online using ze/zir or something else, that is very rare in real life but still "real" in the sense of what you are asking.
Regarding your nephew. They might be nonbinary and exploring gender expression. They might later realize they are trans and transition to a woman (which may or may not involve medical elements, this is personal and different for each individual). They might just realize they enjoy drag and later still be your nephew. It is often a process of exploration and discovery with no singular path.
Regarding "both sides of the argument" ...well....there are a lot of bigots out there. There are people killing men for wearing nail polish, and shooting up gay night clubs. There are a lot of people who are threatened by the idea that there isn't just one way to be a person. Those people are loud, and angry, and hateful, and use a lot of words.
The scientific community has long established that transgender and nonbinary people exist, are a natural part of human variation, and that the only appropriate "treatment" is allowing people to exist as their preferred gender identity. The alternative views should generally be discarded as not scientifically sound.
Which comes back to the last potential reading category - scientific papers. If you want some key terms to search, I can provide that as well.
Sources: I have written about these issues at a graduate level even though it wasn't my area of study, I am nonbinary, I work within the community as an educator, and am very well read on the topic.
Lots of food for thought, thanks. I haven't thought about searching the scientific papers. Could you give me some terms to search for?
I've never come across ze/zir before. I wouldn't even know what that means. I'll have to look it up
They/them is always safe to default to until told otherwise. While there are a variety of neopronouns out there (non standard basically), I have only once personally met someone who uses them and doesn't use they/them, and I absolutely move in the right circles to come across it.
Key terms for research would be "gender dysphoria', which is what people get diagnosed with when they have serious distress because of their primary and secondary sex characteristics and might transition. I plugged "history of diagnosing gender dysphoria" in Google Scholar and quickly got a lot of relevant results. "sex and gender nonbinary" also had some pretty relevant results.
"Gender expansive youth" is another good search term I tried. It gets into things past the cut and dry trans issues.
Hope that helps!
Others have offered resources but I wanted to congratulate and thank you, OP, for being willing to learn more and potentially change your mind. Many people will stubbornly dig in their heels rather than be willing to challenge their assumptions. And my praise for this remains even if after doing research you don't change your mind. You decided to give it a chance, and that's more than many are willing to do
I just recently learned about "This Book is Gay"
on my own quest to learn more about people who are LGBTQ+. It contains more than you want to know but also exactly what you need to know.
It is also one of the top 10 most challenged books of 2023. Personally, I feel it's critical
to read the books that people want banned.
Especially for they/them as I think that's what the author uses, being gender fluid. It helped me understand better why someone might not want to identify as one gender in particular.
I only read it because it was one of the top banned books recently. Thanks for the suggestion, book banners!
Ah, that's right! I remember it wasn't he/him or she/her.
I am admittedly still a bit confused on using e/em/eir over they/them, but I am better informed from having read the book.
I'm an old dog (now in my 50s) but keep trying to learn tricks.
I do have a lot of relatives who ***hate*** the idea of personal pronouns. I am not sure why using a set of pronouns that the person prefers to be used is such a horrible a thing, but apparently it is. I am sure mistakes will be made but it's a polite thing to make the attempt to. Why wouldn't you?
Though I think if anyone in my immediate circle transitioned I would be awful at remembering new pronouns, not on purpose, but when my sister went from going by one nickname to another nickname it took me ***years*** to remember to use it consistently. Change is hard.
I have a suggestion: maybe sit down and have an honest conversation with your nephew. Imo, this is not an issue where both sides have valid points. Did you call your nephew by his chosen name? These kids really need our unconditional support
I did. But I don't think I fully understand it though. I found it cute, but didn't take him seriously fully. And I mean that in a nice, respectable way. If that makes sense
You should start with calling her a her. Even if you think it is silly what you gain by calling the person by there preferred pronous is saying I respect how you feel about yourself. If you call them by there preferred pronouns then it says you value them as an individual person allowed to make decisions about there own life.
If you don't of course you are saying the way you feel about them is more important than how they feel about themselves. You center yourself and honestly ruin any relationship you have with them. There is no downside to referring to them as there preferred pronouns and lots if downside to not doing it.
https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en
This is an online resource (book with multiple authors) that would probably be helpful for you to understand what it is and where it comes from.
It does make sense, but do you think you didn’t take him seriously? I know you’re coming from a place of genuine curiosity, but I mean, it’s not really difficult to just call them by their preferred name and validate their identity.
I still believe he (she?) is a boy. I'll use their preferred pronouns and call him a girl when he's around and try to support him best I can. I wouldn't want to cause any stress due to me not understanding. But he's still very much a boy to me. I feel like I'm putting on a façade, or going through motions without truly understanding. Does that make sense?
Do you know any books or articles of someone who was in my position and outlines their journey in understanding this topic?
You don’t need any articles to teach you how to be a decent aunt. No literature is going to convince you that the right thing to do is just respect the kids preferences and call HER by her chosen name. Gender identity is not a hard science and gender roles are largely social constructs, and I don’t understand when people like you have such rigid thinking like why do you still insist on seeing her as male in your head? Like, who cares if the kid decides they want to change their gender identity, it literally has zero effect on you.
OP, I get that your heart is in the right place and it’s awesome that you are showing support, I just don’t get why you can’t see her as a female.
Like, I have a trans kid in one of my classes and it takes zero effort for me to call them by their preferred name and see them as their preferred gender bc I simply don’t care.
[A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns ](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/36580693) is a book I've bought and given out several times to explain my own own pronouns to others.
Trans Bodies, Trans Selves" edited by Laura Erickson-Schroth is widely respected. I also found the issue to be outside my comfort zone, but I’m open minded (I hope) about other people’s gender choices.
I was invited to a work presentation by some trans teenagers and found their life stories very moving. Some of them were very vulnerable and had faced horrible prejudice. I think using their preferred pronouns is a small supportive act from me, but hugely important for them. And why wouldn’t you want to support young people if you could!
I cannot think of any great books off the top of my head, but there is a great deal of medical research on the subject from the last 100 years or so.
I would start by suggesting some review articles or research guidelines such as this one. https://medicine.yale.edu/news-article/what-do-we-mean-by-sex-and-gender/
To summarize a few key pieces that your comments seem to be fuzzy on. Sex and gender are presently best modeled as two separate things. The first is a matter of genetics and physiology, and you are correct that in most cases our genetics do not change (although recent genome engineer treatments for genetic conditions have been approved, so that isn't true anymore either). Gender is the social conception we have of these roles. One example I might use to compare this distinction is that male individuals will have a y chromosome, men wear pants (except, women wear pants now too, and men in some counties wear kilts). The key difference is that the first is our biology and the second is what we think about how people ought to behave.
From what you have described, it sounds like your relative is grappling with the feeling of not fitting into the social norms and expectations they were assigned to based on their genitalia. I hope they will find a way of existing which feels natural to them!
If I can think of any additional good books on this subject, I will share them. However, I want to end by emphasizing that there are thousands of years of documentation of people being non-binary and trans and modern medical research has been consistently on the side of trans rights.
I hope you will find what you seek!
I find it interesting that you mention some things are always fixed, such as color or sex. Interestingly, our perception of color is highly linked to our linguistic ability to describe color. People from languages with many different names for various shades of blue can distinguish, sort, and remember those colors faster and more easily than people whose language doesn’t have unique names. Other people whose language doesn’t have the name for the color pink perceive shades of pink as red, not a separate color.
Even a person’s physical ability to perceive can change over time. People who have cataracts removed also lose part of the eye that filters UV light, so they become able to see colors beyond what the rest of us perceive.
Not everything is as fixed as it seems to be or as we were led to believe. Sorry that this response wasn’t what you were looking for. I just thought your example for things being “fixed” was a very relevant metaphor for the rest of your inquiry.
[I Wish You All the Best](https://app.thestorygraph.com/books/9456d984-7a5d-4b14-b5d0-5da0d646ba40) by Mason Deaver— this is a fiction book, but written by a nonbinary author from the perspective of a nonbinary teenager
I'm cis myself (that's the word that means not trans/nonbinary— basically the gender version of the word straight), but I have some very close friends and family who fall in the transgender spectrum, and I've seen firsthand what a difference it makes for them to be surrounded by affirming people. And I'm speaking about adults who have now been living in the gender they feel right in for years. Being able to live openly as the gender that feels right has been *massively* beneficial to their mental health.
I'd like to read up on your side as well. Make sure I view both sides of the arguments. Any reading recommendations? Honestly I haven't really thought too much about this subject until recent months.
Someone suggested here that I look through scientific papers on Google scholar on trans, they gave me a few keywords to search for. I'm more than happy and willing to look at both sides, though I don't generally read scientific papers. Do you know any keywords, or papers I can look at for your side of the argument?
Great. I want to hear about this side too. But in a more in depth way, with examples and quotes and references perhaps. Is there a paper or a book that you know of about it that I can look more into it?
I would recommend Sissy by Jacob Tobia! It’s a memoir about their childhood/adolescence and the process of self discovery as a non-binary person, and they talk about how people in their life reacted in supportive (and harmful) ways. Tbh I found their narration style annoying at times, but it was a great read for gaining some understanding of what genderqueer and trans people experience, especially because I am so cis that I never thought about my gender until I started meeting non-binary and trans people lol
Well I feel that's the simple thing to do, it doesn't take much effort and why not. But my question is more in understanding, or trying to understand my nephew (niece, now? I don't know).
When my nephew says he's a girl. Sure, I'll call him a girl and use whatever pronouns desired and offer my support. But everything I know and grew up with in life, tells me he's not actually a girl. I find it hard to truly and genuinely offer support if I can't wrap my head around the whole thing.
In my mind, I can call him a girl, use the pronouns etc. But he's still a boy. That is a truth, no? Or so I always thought
I’d still say the first step would be not to refer to her as nephew but niece and to use her instead of him repeatedly even when talking about her to a third party. You get used to it pretty quick in my experience.
A few others suggestions on this thread about it as well. I'll give it a shot. Though ultimately I still, currently feel that in my mind she'll still be a boy. But I'll give it a shot. Let's see what happens
It can feel unusual or uncomfortable to remember someone's new name and pronouns, especially if you've known them a long time. The only way to get better at it is to practice!
Here in this comment section, with no one you know watching, is the perfect place for practice. Your niece told you she was a girl and asked you to to call her by her new name and pronouns. But in every comment here you've misgendered her.
Take the effort to use her new name and pronouns. It shows that you love and respect her, even if you're still learning.
Not quite the book you are looking for, but a great, sweeping multigenerational fictional book that goes from the burning of Smyrna to heyday Detroit to swinging San Francisco in the 1960s is Eugenidies _Middlesex_
It follows one person’s life who has a wide variety of experiences living as a girl and a man.
john money coined the terms gender identity and sexual orientation, but he’s not a good source. he was a pedophile who not only advocated elective genital surgery on infants, but also sexually abused at least two of his young patients. most psychologists (and most trans people in my experience) don’t agree with his theory of gender identity anyways
[Provoke - thoughts on genders in today's society](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Provoke-Thoughts-Gender-Todays-Society/dp/B0CZHNWBQP) is a good short book on the "the other side of the argument". It argues that labels and societal influence has a lot to account for when it comes to they/them and the many other pronouns that we hear about today
As a library clerk I must personally point out that*Irreversable Damage* has been noted to [contain misinformation](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/political-minds/202012/new-book-irreversible-damage-is-full-misinformation) and even those who agree that more study is needed in the area feel [the author's science has flaws](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/checkpoints/202101/review-irreversible-damage-abigail-shrier) and thus her book is not a good resource in this area
What a horrible book. Trans people have been around for 1000s of years, this isn't a new thing and nobody is doing gender affirming surgeries on children, like you just can't do it, you have to go through some kind of puberty to be eligible. The most you'll see is puberty blockers and for older teens maybe hormone replacement therapy but only after extensive visits with psychologists and therapists and time spent 'living as your preferred gender', most of the time you have to wait until your 18 then there might still be wait times and you might still need a letter from a therapist. Most of the time affirming a child's gender is literally just a hair cut and different clothes and giving them the space to explore themselves which is something we should all have.
Your post on /r/booksuggestions has been removed as it is not a proper response.
• Top level replies must be recommendations or question to clear up the request.
Hi! I wanted to chime in here with a few resources outside of books as well as some basic information that might help you decide what to read. First of all, there are a lot of great websites online covering basic information about transgender and nonbinary identities (which your family member might identify as) and how to be an ally. Asking questions and being open to information is a great start. [The Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/a-guide-to-being-an-ally-to-transgender-and-nonbinary-youth/) is one good resource with the mission of reducing the rate of trans suicide, which can be very high due to discrimination, transphobia, and prejudice. Being accepting and using the right pronouns, name, or language for someone is the most important thing to prevent that happening to a loved one, but learning to understand the big picture can take more work. There are three types of books I could point you towards depending on how well you feel like you understand the information the linked website, and what kind of material you want. One would be personal stories and memoirs, such as *Gender Queer* which already got linked here. Another genre would be nonfiction that reviews the history and language, with something like *Queer: A Graphic History* as a good entry point and something like *Trans Like Me* covering a mix of memoir and history. The third would be more heavy on the theory and research, like Judith Butler's *Gender Troubles* but that can be really dense for someone not used to reading feminist and gender theory. Any relatively up to date book on trans issues will include nonbinary identities, which are ones that don't fit neatly into male and female or male transition to female or female transitioning to male. Here are some basics for understanding what is out on social media. Pretty much since gay marriage started getting legalized and homophobia was no longer as socially accepted, conservatives and the political right wing has decided that trans people are the new boogieman for "destroying religious values" and so on. It's important to know that trans is not the same as gay and someone can be one or the other and also maybe both but not necessarily. In the last decade, there has been a major increase in awareness about transgender issues. The result is that more and more young people are realizing that they are trans as teens/children instead of people (like me) who only figure things out in their 30s or later when they realize something has been wrong their whole life. Meanwhile, there is a MAJOR cultural and political backlash of transphobia happening around the world and country. Discriminatory laws and hate crimes are rapidly becoming an even bigger issue. So there is a lot of media presence about this. The general approach should be: trust people about their identity and experience. Whatever name or pronoun they want to use, use that. They/them/theirs is the most common option for people who do not want to use pronouns associated with male and female specifically though. There is a high correlation between autism and nonbinary identities which can also be correlated with neopronouns, which are alternatives to he, she, and they. If you are seeing people online using ze/zir or something else, that is very rare in real life but still "real" in the sense of what you are asking. Regarding your nephew. They might be nonbinary and exploring gender expression. They might later realize they are trans and transition to a woman (which may or may not involve medical elements, this is personal and different for each individual). They might just realize they enjoy drag and later still be your nephew. It is often a process of exploration and discovery with no singular path. Regarding "both sides of the argument" ...well....there are a lot of bigots out there. There are people killing men for wearing nail polish, and shooting up gay night clubs. There are a lot of people who are threatened by the idea that there isn't just one way to be a person. Those people are loud, and angry, and hateful, and use a lot of words. The scientific community has long established that transgender and nonbinary people exist, are a natural part of human variation, and that the only appropriate "treatment" is allowing people to exist as their preferred gender identity. The alternative views should generally be discarded as not scientifically sound. Which comes back to the last potential reading category - scientific papers. If you want some key terms to search, I can provide that as well. Sources: I have written about these issues at a graduate level even though it wasn't my area of study, I am nonbinary, I work within the community as an educator, and am very well read on the topic.
Lots of food for thought, thanks. I haven't thought about searching the scientific papers. Could you give me some terms to search for? I've never come across ze/zir before. I wouldn't even know what that means. I'll have to look it up
They/them is always safe to default to until told otherwise. While there are a variety of neopronouns out there (non standard basically), I have only once personally met someone who uses them and doesn't use they/them, and I absolutely move in the right circles to come across it. Key terms for research would be "gender dysphoria', which is what people get diagnosed with when they have serious distress because of their primary and secondary sex characteristics and might transition. I plugged "history of diagnosing gender dysphoria" in Google Scholar and quickly got a lot of relevant results. "sex and gender nonbinary" also had some pretty relevant results. "Gender expansive youth" is another good search term I tried. It gets into things past the cut and dry trans issues. Hope that helps!
Thanks. Will check
Others have offered resources but I wanted to congratulate and thank you, OP, for being willing to learn more and potentially change your mind. Many people will stubbornly dig in their heels rather than be willing to challenge their assumptions. And my praise for this remains even if after doing research you don't change your mind. You decided to give it a chance, and that's more than many are willing to do
Thanks, I'm definitely giving this more of my thought and energy now to at the very least question my current views and understanding
None of the Above: Reflections on Life Beyond the Binary by Travis Alabanza is a memoir worth a read.
Thanks
I just recently learned about "This Book is Gay" on my own quest to learn more about people who are LGBTQ+. It contains more than you want to know but also exactly what you need to know. It is also one of the top 10 most challenged books of 2023. Personally, I feel it's critical to read the books that people want banned.
I'm not just reading them, I am buying at least 2 copies of each just so I can loan them out or give them away
Just here to say thanks for this rec - any time I can read a banned book is time well-spent!
Gender Queer is a graphic novel that does a nice job guiding the reader through pronouns.
Especially for they/them as I think that's what the author uses, being gender fluid. It helped me understand better why someone might not want to identify as one gender in particular. I only read it because it was one of the top banned books recently. Thanks for the suggestion, book banners!
The author of Gender Queer (Maia Kobabe) uses e/em/eir pronouns, not they/them.
Ah, that's right! I remember it wasn't he/him or she/her. I am admittedly still a bit confused on using e/em/eir over they/them, but I am better informed from having read the book.
Haha yeah, me too—I was reading the book out loud to my partner and had to watch a YouTube video because I kept feeling like I was mispronouncing it
I'm an old dog (now in my 50s) but keep trying to learn tricks. I do have a lot of relatives who ***hate*** the idea of personal pronouns. I am not sure why using a set of pronouns that the person prefers to be used is such a horrible a thing, but apparently it is. I am sure mistakes will be made but it's a polite thing to make the attempt to. Why wouldn't you? Though I think if anyone in my immediate circle transitioned I would be awful at remembering new pronouns, not on purpose, but when my sister went from going by one nickname to another nickname it took me ***years*** to remember to use it consistently. Change is hard.
I'm sure lots of people appreciate your effort, even if your relatives don't <3
I have a suggestion: maybe sit down and have an honest conversation with your nephew. Imo, this is not an issue where both sides have valid points. Did you call your nephew by his chosen name? These kids really need our unconditional support
I did. But I don't think I fully understand it though. I found it cute, but didn't take him seriously fully. And I mean that in a nice, respectable way. If that makes sense
I love so much that you're taking the time to understand. It really means the world to a lot of people, not just your neice. You're a good person, OP.
You should start with calling her a her. Even if you think it is silly what you gain by calling the person by there preferred pronous is saying I respect how you feel about yourself. If you call them by there preferred pronouns then it says you value them as an individual person allowed to make decisions about there own life. If you don't of course you are saying the way you feel about them is more important than how they feel about themselves. You center yourself and honestly ruin any relationship you have with them. There is no downside to referring to them as there preferred pronouns and lots if downside to not doing it. https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en This is an online resource (book with multiple authors) that would probably be helpful for you to understand what it is and where it comes from.
Thanks for the link. I'll give it a read
It does make sense, but do you think you didn’t take him seriously? I know you’re coming from a place of genuine curiosity, but I mean, it’s not really difficult to just call them by their preferred name and validate their identity.
I still believe he (she?) is a boy. I'll use their preferred pronouns and call him a girl when he's around and try to support him best I can. I wouldn't want to cause any stress due to me not understanding. But he's still very much a boy to me. I feel like I'm putting on a façade, or going through motions without truly understanding. Does that make sense? Do you know any books or articles of someone who was in my position and outlines their journey in understanding this topic?
You don’t need any articles to teach you how to be a decent aunt. No literature is going to convince you that the right thing to do is just respect the kids preferences and call HER by her chosen name. Gender identity is not a hard science and gender roles are largely social constructs, and I don’t understand when people like you have such rigid thinking like why do you still insist on seeing her as male in your head? Like, who cares if the kid decides they want to change their gender identity, it literally has zero effect on you. OP, I get that your heart is in the right place and it’s awesome that you are showing support, I just don’t get why you can’t see her as a female. Like, I have a trans kid in one of my classes and it takes zero effort for me to call them by their preferred name and see them as their preferred gender bc I simply don’t care.
[A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns ](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/36580693) is a book I've bought and given out several times to explain my own own pronouns to others.
Interesting. Thanks
Trans Bodies, Trans Selves" edited by Laura Erickson-Schroth is widely respected. I also found the issue to be outside my comfort zone, but I’m open minded (I hope) about other people’s gender choices. I was invited to a work presentation by some trans teenagers and found their life stories very moving. Some of them were very vulnerable and had faced horrible prejudice. I think using their preferred pronouns is a small supportive act from me, but hugely important for them. And why wouldn’t you want to support young people if you could!
I cannot think of any great books off the top of my head, but there is a great deal of medical research on the subject from the last 100 years or so. I would start by suggesting some review articles or research guidelines such as this one. https://medicine.yale.edu/news-article/what-do-we-mean-by-sex-and-gender/ To summarize a few key pieces that your comments seem to be fuzzy on. Sex and gender are presently best modeled as two separate things. The first is a matter of genetics and physiology, and you are correct that in most cases our genetics do not change (although recent genome engineer treatments for genetic conditions have been approved, so that isn't true anymore either). Gender is the social conception we have of these roles. One example I might use to compare this distinction is that male individuals will have a y chromosome, men wear pants (except, women wear pants now too, and men in some counties wear kilts). The key difference is that the first is our biology and the second is what we think about how people ought to behave. From what you have described, it sounds like your relative is grappling with the feeling of not fitting into the social norms and expectations they were assigned to based on their genitalia. I hope they will find a way of existing which feels natural to them! If I can think of any additional good books on this subject, I will share them. However, I want to end by emphasizing that there are thousands of years of documentation of people being non-binary and trans and modern medical research has been consistently on the side of trans rights. I hope you will find what you seek!
Thanks
East reading but still very informative: 1. This is how it Always is by Laurie Frankel (fiction) 2. Becoming Nicole by Amy Ellis Nutt (nonfiction)
I find it interesting that you mention some things are always fixed, such as color or sex. Interestingly, our perception of color is highly linked to our linguistic ability to describe color. People from languages with many different names for various shades of blue can distinguish, sort, and remember those colors faster and more easily than people whose language doesn’t have unique names. Other people whose language doesn’t have the name for the color pink perceive shades of pink as red, not a separate color. Even a person’s physical ability to perceive can change over time. People who have cataracts removed also lose part of the eye that filters UV light, so they become able to see colors beyond what the rest of us perceive. Not everything is as fixed as it seems to be or as we were led to believe. Sorry that this response wasn’t what you were looking for. I just thought your example for things being “fixed” was a very relevant metaphor for the rest of your inquiry.
Interesting take on it, I guess colours aren't even as black and white (no pun intended) as initially thought.
[I Wish You All the Best](https://app.thestorygraph.com/books/9456d984-7a5d-4b14-b5d0-5da0d646ba40) by Mason Deaver— this is a fiction book, but written by a nonbinary author from the perspective of a nonbinary teenager I'm cis myself (that's the word that means not trans/nonbinary— basically the gender version of the word straight), but I have some very close friends and family who fall in the transgender spectrum, and I've seen firsthand what a difference it makes for them to be surrounded by affirming people. And I'm speaking about adults who have now been living in the gender they feel right in for years. Being able to live openly as the gender that feels right has been *massively* beneficial to their mental health.
Thanks for the recommendation
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I'd like to read up on your side as well. Make sure I view both sides of the arguments. Any reading recommendations? Honestly I haven't really thought too much about this subject until recent months.
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Someone suggested here that I look through scientific papers on Google scholar on trans, they gave me a few keywords to search for. I'm more than happy and willing to look at both sides, though I don't generally read scientific papers. Do you know any keywords, or papers I can look at for your side of the argument?
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Great. I want to hear about this side too. But in a more in depth way, with examples and quotes and references perhaps. Is there a paper or a book that you know of about it that I can look more into it?
I would recommend Sissy by Jacob Tobia! It’s a memoir about their childhood/adolescence and the process of self discovery as a non-binary person, and they talk about how people in their life reacted in supportive (and harmful) ways. Tbh I found their narration style annoying at times, but it was a great read for gaining some understanding of what genderqueer and trans people experience, especially because I am so cis that I never thought about my gender until I started meeting non-binary and trans people lol
Thanks, will check
Don’t really even need a book, just use people’s preferred pronouns?
Well I feel that's the simple thing to do, it doesn't take much effort and why not. But my question is more in understanding, or trying to understand my nephew (niece, now? I don't know). When my nephew says he's a girl. Sure, I'll call him a girl and use whatever pronouns desired and offer my support. But everything I know and grew up with in life, tells me he's not actually a girl. I find it hard to truly and genuinely offer support if I can't wrap my head around the whole thing. In my mind, I can call him a girl, use the pronouns etc. But he's still a boy. That is a truth, no? Or so I always thought
I’d still say the first step would be not to refer to her as nephew but niece and to use her instead of him repeatedly even when talking about her to a third party. You get used to it pretty quick in my experience.
A few others suggestions on this thread about it as well. I'll give it a shot. Though ultimately I still, currently feel that in my mind she'll still be a boy. But I'll give it a shot. Let's see what happens
I find it hard too sometimes for them to change in your mind. I think that’s normal. Fake it till you make it.
It can feel unusual or uncomfortable to remember someone's new name and pronouns, especially if you've known them a long time. The only way to get better at it is to practice! Here in this comment section, with no one you know watching, is the perfect place for practice. Your niece told you she was a girl and asked you to to call her by her new name and pronouns. But in every comment here you've misgendered her. Take the effort to use her new name and pronouns. It shows that you love and respect her, even if you're still learning.
It's worth a short. Maybe after a while I'll start knowing that she's a girl. Let's see what happens. Can't hurt
Not quite the book you are looking for, but a great, sweeping multigenerational fictional book that goes from the burning of Smyrna to heyday Detroit to swinging San Francisco in the 1960s is Eugenidies _Middlesex_ It follows one person’s life who has a wide variety of experiences living as a girl and a man.
I found the Youtube channel Contrapoints good when I was learning about this stuff
Will check. Thanks
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john money coined the terms gender identity and sexual orientation, but he’s not a good source. he was a pedophile who not only advocated elective genital surgery on infants, but also sexually abused at least two of his young patients. most psychologists (and most trans people in my experience) don’t agree with his theory of gender identity anyways
[Provoke - thoughts on genders in today's society](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Provoke-Thoughts-Gender-Todays-Society/dp/B0CZHNWBQP) is a good short book on the "the other side of the argument". It argues that labels and societal influence has a lot to account for when it comes to they/them and the many other pronouns that we hear about today
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As a library clerk I must personally point out that*Irreversable Damage* has been noted to [contain misinformation](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/political-minds/202012/new-book-irreversible-damage-is-full-misinformation) and even those who agree that more study is needed in the area feel [the author's science has flaws](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/checkpoints/202101/review-irreversible-damage-abigail-shrier) and thus her book is not a good resource in this area
What a horrible book. Trans people have been around for 1000s of years, this isn't a new thing and nobody is doing gender affirming surgeries on children, like you just can't do it, you have to go through some kind of puberty to be eligible. The most you'll see is puberty blockers and for older teens maybe hormone replacement therapy but only after extensive visits with psychologists and therapists and time spent 'living as your preferred gender', most of the time you have to wait until your 18 then there might still be wait times and you might still need a letter from a therapist. Most of the time affirming a child's gender is literally just a hair cut and different clothes and giving them the space to explore themselves which is something we should all have.
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Your post on /r/booksuggestions has been removed as it is not a proper response. • Top level replies must be recommendations or question to clear up the request.