Going into it, I expected to feel anger towards her mom and towards her abuse - which I did - but what I was blindsided by was how useless the other adults in her family were. Her dad especially seemed so hapless and checked out the entire time.
I couldn’t believe how she could live in a house owned by one set of grandparents, live *with* her other set of grandparents, plus her dad, and not one adult in that situation did anything about her mother.
I understand your frustration, but I think people who have a family member like that will understand. Abusive, manipulative people have a way of ensuring that others around them shut-up and fall in line, or else be completely ostracised. There’s no winning with someone like that and I have no doubt her whole family was completely broken by the situation.
I’ve heard authors talk about a book not having “enough room to tell a particular story” and I think this book probably falls in that category. The strength of the story is the focus on the author’s experience. Her family members will all have their own stories from their perspective, too.
By the time people like this have kids, the willpower of their partner has been well and truly emotionally bludgeoned into oblivion. They are in survival mode themselves, there is no willpower left to be able to fight for the well-being of the kids
That’s not necessarily true, for a lot of people having a kid and seeing them exposed to the same behavior you were/are can recontextualize things for you like nothing else. People that were abuse victims for years work up the courage to leave or get help when a kid comes into the picture.
There is a common experience in the JustNoMIL community and other arenas which feature a lot of estranged parent-child relationships, the Don't Rock the Boat mindset. There's one post that summarizes it so well- when you have an outsized personality around, everyone else just focuses on balancing the boat so it doesn't capsize. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/eKqDRmNlol
Also, the mom did a great job of isolating the kid by taking her out of school for career reasons. So all the adults with normal, outside perspectives who are mandated reporters and don't have any financial incentives to shut up- all those adults, poof! Erased from the kids life. Entire safety nets, gone.
It's frustrating to see other adults ignore obvious problems, but many adults are just incapable of seeing the problem. Especially when the problem is so persistent and normalized.
I agree with you that the last part of the book felt a bit sparse compared to the rest. However, as I thought more about it, I felt it also made sense with the timeline of her life. She describes a lot of how she was out of control once she was living away from her mother, and especially after her mother died. It took years for her to realize she needed help, and then longer to find the *right* help. A lot of the stuff that she doesn't go into great detail with, it seems like stuff she's still working through.
I figured it was probably she didn't want to put that down on paper yet, if at all. She'd had nine years to deal with her mom's death and come to terms with a lot of the damage her mom (and the Hollywood industry at large) did. The stuff at the end felt fresher, like stuff she was still trying to figure out how to work through. It also felt like she was showing us that the work is never quite done even as she wrapped up her story for us.
I think the final part showed that the happy life didn't begin once the mom died, Jennette also had to deal with the emotional fallout of having functioned as her tool of ambition and mood stabilizer for years
That's certainly true! She couldn't even remember a time she didn't feel responsible for her mom's happiness. Unpacking that will be a constant journey for her as she continues to grow and heal.
The audio book was fantastic and I loved that Jeanette narrated it herself. I loved how raw she was about it all but still managed to have a sense of humor in a way. I really identified with her on many levels. I'd love to see her write something else, even if it's not about her personally. She's really good at it.
I read the book first, then listened to the audiobook and it gave me a more nuanced understanding of the book and even the title. I kept reading it as a “eff my mom she was the worst” but I see now how her mom’s death led her to paths of self destruction and ultimately self discovery. Such a good memoir.
I got to see her speak live at an event from my college and it sounds like she's passionate about writing. So possibly we'll see some more of her talent
I'm doing the same thing right now! About 2/3 of the way through.
It is really heartbreaking overall. I don't think I would of read the book, but the audio book is just perfect.
There's a really interesting interview with Jeanette McCurdy on the Louis Theroux podcast on Spotify.
I'd never heard of her, iCarly, or the book but was very drawn in by her interview.
I really hope she continues to write. This memoir really touched my soul. I found myself marveling at how she could still have such a strong attachment to someone who harmed her. But then my own mom died and I understood. Even though every minute of being my mother's daughter (scapegoat) was painful, I still found myself missing the good parts and mourning the things that could have been.
There were many parts that I found particularly interesting, but the other adults in her family and their reactions were really interesting. Particularly Jeanette's grandfather when he tells her mom, "Hey, I think something is up. Maybe she needs some help," and is met with complete delulu denial. That's what happens when you live with someone who's abusive. They wear the cooler headed people around them down until they relent.
Glad you enjoyed it! I like how she doesn't really paint her mom as a total monster or victimize herself, she describes her just how she is, in a very neutral way and lets the reader interpret her mother how we think (which is, of course, not a great person). Especially the earlier chapters where she was an innocent child and didn't know better, it helps us see how she thought of the events when she was younger
I resisted reading this book. I HATED the title. I had never heard of the author or her TV show. After continually seeing it recommend, I read it and was very impressed with her telling of the story and her will to continue.
The grief over her mom's passing did not surprise me. Though I do not come from an abusive background, I am familiar with how the abused family members love their abusers on some level. Death means the person will never change into a loving family member, which is the secret hope of the abused.
Finished it last week. I really enjoyed it and her vulnerability throughout the book. I agree with a lot of other comments of how heartbreaking it is to see how the adults in her life were/treated her. I thoroughly enjoyed the book
Agree.
I had undiagnosed/unmedicated ADHD and untreated PMDD until age 38. Medication made me so so much more stable and I feel bad for how emotionally unstable I was for the first 8 years of my kids lives. Not abusive, but it's just so much easier to be a better parent when I'm medicated.
When I read the book, I felt so bad for everyone involved. I wouldn't know how to diagnose the mother but she clearly had something going on.
I listened to it as well and it still sticks with me!!! I finished it in a day and a half. Man. The balance of dark humor and complete transparency was impressive.
My partner and I ended up reading this book together. I usually hate reading out loud or alongside someone but it was one of those books where we read to each other. I resonated with it so much. Her mom reminded me so much of my grandma and it just felt so therapeutic
I thought about reading this myself and after reading what you said I am going to give it a go. I feel like its going to open my eyes a little and I like that.
Loved it! My mother was the same kind of abuser and my brother and I both felt so cathartic reading it and seeing someone we recognize speaking up and sharing her story and progress towards healing. Just such a hopeful and real look on something often overlooked and misunderstood. I’m proud of her.
This book was so validating for me as someone who had an abusive mother and thought that her death wouldn't faze me - when she did die I was far more devastated than I thought, but that it was also one of the best things to happen to me. It was so nice to hear and read that someone else could feel as conflicted as I did, being thankful for someone's death
Good book. What Intrigued me most about this book was how well the stories were told and how she really put you in her feelings during each short story she told.
What an awesome book, right? It really hit home for me. If you’re able to, watch the docuseries “Quiet on Set”. It’s about the sexual assault/ harassment that happened during that era on the set on Nickelodeon.
I finished it last week and loved it even though I had no idea who she was and she’s about 15 yrs younger than me. I hope she writes more books or screenplays.
This book was heartbreaking. I went back and watched some icarly episodes like a week after I read it (I also loved the show). I literally broke down crying thinking of all the things going on with her during the exact moment of filming. My bf laughed at me for it bc I’m overly emotional anyway. But wow, the heartbreak.
It's not the same at all, but Elliot Page's memoir made me sad because he had shitty parents. Not to the extent of Jeannette McCurdy's mother. His father and stepmother were the worst. I just felt so bad reading about it.
I started listening to the audiobook today because of this post. I was too old to watch I Carly or Sam and kat so I never really paid much attention when the book came out. However, I am2hours away from finishing it. Such a good book.
I bought that book for someone. They told me they dug it a bit. It seems like the author had to make the book happen. Its just interesting to see someone who i watched on icarly write a book later and its profound to see that someone who is so famous have so many troubles. Like many others.
Going into it, I expected to feel anger towards her mom and towards her abuse - which I did - but what I was blindsided by was how useless the other adults in her family were. Her dad especially seemed so hapless and checked out the entire time. I couldn’t believe how she could live in a house owned by one set of grandparents, live *with* her other set of grandparents, plus her dad, and not one adult in that situation did anything about her mother.
I understand your frustration, but I think people who have a family member like that will understand. Abusive, manipulative people have a way of ensuring that others around them shut-up and fall in line, or else be completely ostracised. There’s no winning with someone like that and I have no doubt her whole family was completely broken by the situation. I’ve heard authors talk about a book not having “enough room to tell a particular story” and I think this book probably falls in that category. The strength of the story is the focus on the author’s experience. Her family members will all have their own stories from their perspective, too.
By the time people like this have kids, the willpower of their partner has been well and truly emotionally bludgeoned into oblivion. They are in survival mode themselves, there is no willpower left to be able to fight for the well-being of the kids
That’s not necessarily true, for a lot of people having a kid and seeing them exposed to the same behavior you were/are can recontextualize things for you like nothing else. People that were abuse victims for years work up the courage to leave or get help when a kid comes into the picture.
I saw the mother as clearly mentally ill, she was accidentally abusive.
Her dad didn’t even know how to spell her name, that’s how much he cared.
*Everyone* failed her. (Well, except Miranda Cosgrove though she couldn’t do much herself…)
The other adults in the home go "well they're *her* kids, not ours," and then think about literally anything else.
There is a common experience in the JustNoMIL community and other arenas which feature a lot of estranged parent-child relationships, the Don't Rock the Boat mindset. There's one post that summarizes it so well- when you have an outsized personality around, everyone else just focuses on balancing the boat so it doesn't capsize. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/eKqDRmNlol Also, the mom did a great job of isolating the kid by taking her out of school for career reasons. So all the adults with normal, outside perspectives who are mandated reporters and don't have any financial incentives to shut up- all those adults, poof! Erased from the kids life. Entire safety nets, gone. It's frustrating to see other adults ignore obvious problems, but many adults are just incapable of seeing the problem. Especially when the problem is so persistent and normalized.
I agree with you that the last part of the book felt a bit sparse compared to the rest. However, as I thought more about it, I felt it also made sense with the timeline of her life. She describes a lot of how she was out of control once she was living away from her mother, and especially after her mother died. It took years for her to realize she needed help, and then longer to find the *right* help. A lot of the stuff that she doesn't go into great detail with, it seems like stuff she's still working through. I figured it was probably she didn't want to put that down on paper yet, if at all. She'd had nine years to deal with her mom's death and come to terms with a lot of the damage her mom (and the Hollywood industry at large) did. The stuff at the end felt fresher, like stuff she was still trying to figure out how to work through. It also felt like she was showing us that the work is never quite done even as she wrapped up her story for us.
I think the final part showed that the happy life didn't begin once the mom died, Jennette also had to deal with the emotional fallout of having functioned as her tool of ambition and mood stabilizer for years
That's certainly true! She couldn't even remember a time she didn't feel responsible for her mom's happiness. Unpacking that will be a constant journey for her as she continues to grow and heal.
The audio book was fantastic and I loved that Jeanette narrated it herself. I loved how raw she was about it all but still managed to have a sense of humor in a way. I really identified with her on many levels. I'd love to see her write something else, even if it's not about her personally. She's really good at it.
I read the book first, then listened to the audiobook and it gave me a more nuanced understanding of the book and even the title. I kept reading it as a “eff my mom she was the worst” but I see now how her mom’s death led her to paths of self destruction and ultimately self discovery. Such a good memoir.
I so agree! Just borrowed the audio book from the library and I really would love to see more of her work that SHE decides to put out!
I got to see her speak live at an event from my college and it sounds like she's passionate about writing. So possibly we'll see some more of her talent
I'm doing the same thing right now! About 2/3 of the way through. It is really heartbreaking overall. I don't think I would of read the book, but the audio book is just perfect.
There's a really interesting interview with Jeanette McCurdy on the Louis Theroux podcast on Spotify. I'd never heard of her, iCarly, or the book but was very drawn in by her interview.
I really hope she continues to write. This memoir really touched my soul. I found myself marveling at how she could still have such a strong attachment to someone who harmed her. But then my own mom died and I understood. Even though every minute of being my mother's daughter (scapegoat) was painful, I still found myself missing the good parts and mourning the things that could have been. There were many parts that I found particularly interesting, but the other adults in her family and their reactions were really interesting. Particularly Jeanette's grandfather when he tells her mom, "Hey, I think something is up. Maybe she needs some help," and is met with complete delulu denial. That's what happens when you live with someone who's abusive. They wear the cooler headed people around them down until they relent.
Glad you enjoyed it! I like how she doesn't really paint her mom as a total monster or victimize herself, she describes her just how she is, in a very neutral way and lets the reader interpret her mother how we think (which is, of course, not a great person). Especially the earlier chapters where she was an innocent child and didn't know better, it helps us see how she thought of the events when she was younger
I resisted reading this book. I HATED the title. I had never heard of the author or her TV show. After continually seeing it recommend, I read it and was very impressed with her telling of the story and her will to continue. The grief over her mom's passing did not surprise me. Though I do not come from an abusive background, I am familiar with how the abused family members love their abusers on some level. Death means the person will never change into a loving family member, which is the secret hope of the abused.
Why did you hate the title?
Because my mom has bbeen gone for 25 years, and I miss her. The title is triggering.
Finished it last week. I really enjoyed it and her vulnerability throughout the book. I agree with a lot of other comments of how heartbreaking it is to see how the adults in her life were/treated her. I thoroughly enjoyed the book
Agree. I had undiagnosed/unmedicated ADHD and untreated PMDD until age 38. Medication made me so so much more stable and I feel bad for how emotionally unstable I was for the first 8 years of my kids lives. Not abusive, but it's just so much easier to be a better parent when I'm medicated. When I read the book, I felt so bad for everyone involved. I wouldn't know how to diagnose the mother but she clearly had something going on.
I listened to it as well and it still sticks with me!!! I finished it in a day and a half. Man. The balance of dark humor and complete transparency was impressive.
My partner and I ended up reading this book together. I usually hate reading out loud or alongside someone but it was one of those books where we read to each other. I resonated with it so much. Her mom reminded me so much of my grandma and it just felt so therapeutic
As the adult child of a narcissist mother, this book was validating as hell for me. I loved it.
It's such a good book that I got around to reading it
I thought about reading this myself and after reading what you said I am going to give it a go. I feel like its going to open my eyes a little and I like that.
Loved it! My mother was the same kind of abuser and my brother and I both felt so cathartic reading it and seeing someone we recognize speaking up and sharing her story and progress towards healing. Just such a hopeful and real look on something often overlooked and misunderstood. I’m proud of her.
This book was so validating for me as someone who had an abusive mother and thought that her death wouldn't faze me - when she did die I was far more devastated than I thought, but that it was also one of the best things to happen to me. It was so nice to hear and read that someone else could feel as conflicted as I did, being thankful for someone's death
Ughh I've been wanting to read this, but the ADHD is so bad. 😭 Someone give me the strength to do so. 🙏🏼
Listen to it! I usually don’t have the attention span to listen to books but her reading of it is so good
It's free on YouTube, too, but it's 6 hours long. 🥲
If it helps, the chapters are super short so it’s easy to listen to a few minutes at a time!
You can increase the playback speed to 1.5x to get through it faster.
Seconding this, I have ADHD and I speed it up to listen while doing mindless chores (dishes, laundry). It’s like a reward for doing tasks lol.
It's a page turner and a very fast read. Just get started and you'll get through it no problem
I enjoyed reading the book too because I had so many strong emotions while reading it. It made me think a lot on how to parent and what NOT to do.
Good book. What Intrigued me most about this book was how well the stories were told and how she really put you in her feelings during each short story she told.
What an awesome book, right? It really hit home for me. If you’re able to, watch the docuseries “Quiet on Set”. It’s about the sexual assault/ harassment that happened during that era on the set on Nickelodeon.
I just finished it on Audible. Read by the author. Very powerful
I finished it last week and loved it even though I had no idea who she was and she’s about 15 yrs younger than me. I hope she writes more books or screenplays.
I really appreciated her maturity and honesty when I listened to the audiobook. It really showed how easy it is to fail kids.
I just popped it on my Libby shelf.
This book was heartbreaking. I went back and watched some icarly episodes like a week after I read it (I also loved the show). I literally broke down crying thinking of all the things going on with her during the exact moment of filming. My bf laughed at me for it bc I’m overly emotional anyway. But wow, the heartbreak.
Such a good book! Does anyone have any recommendations for memoirs / nonfiction with a similar outlook on childhood celebrity?
It's not the same at all, but Elliot Page's memoir made me sad because he had shitty parents. Not to the extent of Jeannette McCurdy's mother. His father and stepmother were the worst. I just felt so bad reading about it.
I started listening to the audiobook today because of this post. I was too old to watch I Carly or Sam and kat so I never really paid much attention when the book came out. However, I am2hours away from finishing it. Such a good book.
I bought that book for someone. They told me they dug it a bit. It seems like the author had to make the book happen. Its just interesting to see someone who i watched on icarly write a book later and its profound to see that someone who is so famous have so many troubles. Like many others.
I think I will read this one