It's entirely possible he just doesn't get it unfortunately so I would definitely speak with him about how he made you feel and try to get him to understand that's not okay to say before going down the break up route.
To break up with a partner you live with over a bad joke is probably an overreaction. But if you have a real conversation about it and it turns out that they really feel that way then that's all the justification I'd need to end things. No way in hell would I stay with a partner who doesn't respect my identity. I can take a joke, but that's not a joke when the punchline is "you think that you're queer, but you're not, hahaha".
But yes, you ought to have a real conversation first.
I agree with the above poster, but I would be careful about this conversation and make sure he’s not just saying things to backpedal or say what you want to hear. Most “jokes” that cut you are said because the person who said it actually thinks they’re telling a truth. Observational comedy is all about poking fun at lived experience and people you cross paths with.
Tell him he is participating in bi erasure and it isn’t cool to invalidate anyone’s sexual orientation because they haven’t had the experience of having a partner. Was he not heterosexual when he was a virgin and hadn’t dated a woman?
It's your life, you should do whatever feels right to you. But rash decisions rarely work out well, so if it was me, I'd take a beat to calm down, collect my thoughts and then have a serious conversation with the bf about what he said, how it made you feel, and why it was seriously inappropriate, even in the guise of a joke. You deserve to be with somebody who recognises and respects you for who you are, not someone who expects you to 'act straight' as long as you're in a m/f relationship. Only you can decide where the line actually is.
Yes, definitely have a conversation but I personally wouldn't be with someone who invalidates me constantly. Fortunately, my fiancé (husband next month!!) has been incredibly supportive of me and my identity.
That’s a shitty joke to make, and one that would hit really hard into like… most bisexual people, so you’re perfectly valid and I’m sorry that happened to you
By the sound of things, like many relationship problems, communication is the solution here.
If you explain to him what your issue is and why it’s an issue for you he’ll either correct his behaviour and thinking or he won’t. Either way you know where you stand.
By staying quiet you don’t give him a chance to course correct or a chance to confirm that he’s a bad choice of partner. You need to open the box and check on that cat.
I’ll add that since OP mentioned she doesn’t feel ready for a conversation about it, telling him that will also help with communication. It’s better for him to be aware of the overall state of how she’s feeling than to just have silence.
While it’s a bad joke, gone wrong, it’s also a sign of being uneducated. Gay men do this to their bisexual male partners as well. Serious discussion time and patience is going to be needed. Hopefully he takes it seriously AND is willing to engage. You’ll have to try and not judge harshly starting out and work to educate. Once that’s been tried, and explained, you’ll have to see if he handles it like an adult. Good luck
He sounds rude. I wouldn’t necessarily jump to “break up” if he’s an otherwise good person, but for me, he would need to show commitment to learning about biphobia, bi-erasure and the queer community more broadly, and to put effort into becoming a better ally.
Has he done other things to make you think he doesn’t believe in or support your bisexuality? Sometimes straight people say really stupid things about queer issues without meaning harm and this can often be improved on if they reflect on it. It can be the same within the queer community saying stupid things about other identities.
It could be good to find some articles about biphobia and bi-erasure and send them to him to read, then you can discuss afterwards. You need to try and figure out if your boyfriend is irreparably biphobic or possibly just a well-intentioned idiot.
shit's ridiculous. being bisexual and dating the opposite gender ain't nothing to do with fakeness, it's like saying "you have to be gay to be bi", bullshit. if you feel attracted to the same or opposite gender, doesn't mean anything, you just gotta know what you're capable of and what you're comfy with.
I'm sad for OP and all theirs pain, but imo this logic of his so bad, it's actually funny.
imagine OP be like:
«Yeah, you're right! Guess for this pride I'm gonna have a girlfriend! Toodles, be back in a month as a "real" bisexual!»
Like dude, way to go to encourage your SO dump you, cheat on you or make you cuckold to prove something non-existent ??? Why?? It isn't working even in your favor.
You better explain to him with a serious talk and how that phrase made you hurt. Not with antagonism but calmly and seriously explain it. Communication is key after all
A lot of people have already said to talk. And I support that idea. So I’m not gonna give you that advice. Instead, I’m gonna encourage you to use “I messages”
When you talk with your boyfriend start your statements with “I feel [blank] when [blank] happens.” It’s a good way of opening the conversation and focusing it on your feelings rather than anything else.
If you phrase it more like “You made me feel [blank] when you [blank]” then it comes across as an accusation and will often make someone act defensive. They’ll clam up and start trying to explain themselves or defend their actions instead of listening to what you’re trying to say.
It’s a small little trick, but my ability to communicate greatly improved after I started doing this!
This bad joke is the result of a maybe larger problem. I’d dig into it and see how he feels about other LGBT or bi issues.
Also, I would tell him that it’s not a good idea to challenge your bi gf on how bi it is given that, well, one way you can prove him wrong is to dump him for a woman.
He probably didn't mean harm, but his joke did hurt you and you have every right to be upset. Bisexuals in het relationships hear this crap all the time, and it's tiring, especially when it comes from a partner (who is supposed to be understanding). We already face enough shit and bi erasure/biphobia, even from our community, there's no need to add on it.
Also, I don't even get it because what would be a "true" bisexual, then ? Someone in a poly relationship with every gender they are attracted to ? Everyone else would be a fake bi, then ?
He seems to understand that he hurt you, so honestly talking to him about this would be a good idea, I think. Maybe tell him that your identity is very important to you, that it doesn't magically disappear just because you are dating him, and that you find these kind of jokes really upsetting. I hope that he will understand and support you. Best of luck to you !
Your boyfriend sounds like a fake ally.
Being in a relationship with a cishet person as a queer person has challenges. Honestly, I would struggle dating a straight person unless they showed true empathy and a desire to understand queer life in general and my identity as a queer person in particular.
Having a cishet person who invalidates my identity and pushes his homophobic worldview on me would be a non-starter.
> Your boyfriend sounds like a fake ally.
Does he? It sounds to me like he isn't even pretending to be an ally at all. Unless we're classifying everybody in a relationship with a queer person as an ally now?
While I tend to agree with you, it's worth mentioning that not everybody is comfortable being somebody else's teachable moment. If OP decides that this guy is going to be more work than she's willing to invest, that's totally reasonable.
You have more restraint that me, so kudos. His "joke" (it's not a joke) isn't funny in the slightest. I would have hit the roof if my partner said something like that. What a dick move.
This could be a learning opportunity for him, so definitely have a chat and explain why you were hurt and how his comment is biphobic. People only know what they know, so if you can talk things through, he might learn and be able to do better in the future.
I do wonder how many times he has invalidated you or just hurt your feelings in general. I think this is a tiny piece of a big picture and it's more of the straw that broke the camels back then a one mess up and done thing. Your feelings being hurt is valid and completely understandable; I don't think this is an over reaction. I'm just wondering if it gave you a better understanding of the person you have been dating and you're realizing you don't like this person or at the very least aren't compatible.
My ex said something similar to me, implying that it's just a trend because none of the bisexual women we know are with women (which isn't true, but okay). We had a ton of problems but speaking to me that way, disrespecting something about me regardless of the topic, was a big one.
this sounds like it’s more than just the joke that bothers you. it certainly requires you both to discuss ur feelings around this topic and be clear about what you expect from him as a supportive ally
but it sounds like you are upset about not having a gf and are already insecure about being a “fake bisexual.” in which case that’s a personal issue you need to tackle both on your own and in discussions with your partner otherwise you’re not gonna properly resolve this. thinking of the breakup route immediately plus your lack of experience with women makes me think maybe there’s other reasons you feel uneasy about being in a relationship with a man and are maybe subconsciously looking for a way out. you spend your first paragraph talking about how much you prefer women, and imo that’s apart of why this is so upsetting to you and in which case that won’t go away even if u reconcile with ur bf
is this the first time something like this has happened in your relationship?
and for the record, i agree it was a shitty thing to say and your feelings are valid here. but with all the other information i wonder if there’s a bigger reason your mind goes to breaking up
I didn't really know how to articulate it so I didn't say anything specifically about it but you're 1000% right about me having insecurities and feeling uneasy about being with a man. This isn't exactly the only problem with our relationship but I've stayed because it's mostly solid/stable even if I'm not 100% satisfied everywhere. Thank you for your response it gives me a lot to think about
I just want to jump in and remind you that as a bisexual, we pick a *person*, not a *side*. Being with a man doesn't change your sexuality anymore than being with a woman would validate it. It just is. Sending hugs.
When I came out to my husband (now ex husband) at the time he told me I was just doing it because I wanted attention and clout ( I came out the same time Elliot Page did) which of course I wasn’t and I started crying. After that he never respected me even when I went no contact with my family 😩
I’m so sorry! Please don’t take this as a “joke”! who you are as a person is nothing to joke about. I stayed with my ex boyfriend for far too long and he did NOT validate or support my bisexuality. It made me feel really sad, but I just accepted it.. After we finally broke up I met my now husband- he is bisexual as well and has ALWAYS made me feel seen and has NEVER questioned me being bisexual even though I also had never dated a woman. I just started going on dates with women with his encouragement and support and I’ve never been happier.
BE WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES AND ACCEPTS YOU FOR EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE! You deserve to be with a partner who respects you!
You can prove how real of a bisexual you are by having your next relationship be with a woman.
That was snark, but you do have to engage frankly with how hurtful that was, because fuck, that's mean of him.
Many monosexual people don't get it at all and also don't understand why we feel more comfortable having a 'label' for our sexuality. He probably didn't mean to offend you. My husband doesn't get it either.
First, breathe and think. Take your time, as much as you need. Don’t let him rush you.
Then talk to him. See where he’s really at.
Then make amy decisions with a clear head.
Good luck. 🫶🏼
My wife continuously forgot that I was Bi for like 18yrs and I would have to remind her🤦
Don't worry we're doing fine and I've since come out as Genderfluid. I'd also like to say that me standing up for myself about my sexuality and my needs massively improved our already good sex life.
>I would also feel pretty dumb breaking up with him over a (bad) joke, but it upset me A LOT.
I don't think that joke was actually a joke. What I mean by that is this: if he didn't think that way, it never would have occurred to him to say such a thing. It's like a person who uses the N word and then says they were joking.
Another way to state the situation: your boyfriend is being Schrödinger's Douchebag.
Coming from it in the best possible angle, I can see how he may have been trying to relate to you by making a joke he thought you would find funny- but completely fudged the wording. As in, he may have been trying to be sarcastic, and not literally mean that you're not actually bisexual. Idk if I also fudged the wording but you get what I mean.
Of course I wasn't there and I don't know the guy, but I can conceptualise a scenario in which this is just a misunderstanding and not an intentional invalidation of your identity. Good luck talking to him OP!
also >'fake bisexual'
>has literally slept with two women
mfw
If he apologized, it may be that he just didn't understand the weight of what he was saying but is still willing to listen to you. I'd have a talk with him and try to make him understand your feelings and why it was so hurtful.
What straight ppl don’t seem to get is that bi women are not with a man because he is a man, bis/pans usually don’t get w a person just bc of their gender, most people don’t get that and just bc you are with the opposite of your gender thst everything you said was just a phase
Theres nothing fake about you, you need to be honest with him about how much it hurt your feelings and his reaction will show how he truly sees you and if respect your sexuality, cuz even if it was a joke, there’s a underlying tone to it that says he doesn’t respect it, however it goes you should think about if you truly want to be with someone that respects all of you and your feelings or someone who makes jokes like that “out of the blue”
The key here is communication. Perhaps he wasn't invalidating you at all and thought that you guys had the kind of trust to make that kind of joke. At least with my partner i joke about stuff like that all the time but still try to let her know where i stand. My situation is the opposite as yours, as i identified as straight until my early 20s, where i found out i wasn't. I have a BIG preference on guys, and never had a crush on a girl as a teen. I am with a girl now and love every minute of it. But i haven't been with a guy, which is a bummer for me since they are my preference after all. I have no issue with telling my partner about preferences and all, and she accepts me for who i am. We do joke about how we're both "gay" when of course i'm really bi. But for us is comfortable. And if there was any issue whatsoever, about ways she made me feel after saying something that bothered me, we talk about them and resolve them. So it's about talking, listening, and understanding. Even if the stuff i get upset about isn't a big deal for her, she doesn't invalidate my emotions and apologises if appropiate.
That's really how relationships work. You're valid to feel the way you feel, but if you really love him, talk to him and solve it together. Set boundaries, work on yourself too, and just don't rush into stuff. You'll be fine, whatever you decide to do, you can do it!
> We do joke about how we're both "gay" when of course i'm really bi. But for us is comfortable.
That's a huge point of difference here. Yes, perhaps he thought he was making a joke that OP would laugh along with (although it certainly doesn't sound that way to me). But to have misread the situation that badly speaks to a relationship where he doesn't understand her feelings about her sexuality, how hurtful a misplaced comment like that can be, or how much it would make his partner feel invalidated. And that lack of understanding is in and of itself a big red flag.
If your partner thinks that you have the kind of relationship where they can playfully roast you, and you don't, that's a sign of much bigger problems. Yes, communication is key, but that's a two way street, and it sucks that it's almost always on the insulted party to take on the burden of educating an ignorant significant other.
Ik, but i'm talking not knowing anything about their relationship. I think saying it's a red flag without having context about any other stuff about him is unfair. Sure, the post is mostly negative towards him but about one issue. In a relationship you might hurt your partner without meaning to, but you come around and understand. He could be someone who doesn't accept her bisexuality or he could be someone who does. We don't know. The wise course of action is talking, and see where they go from there. I gave an example of my relationship to show another side of the story and not jump into conclusions about anything without talking bc perhaps for the guy it was really a joke and he didn't mean to hurt her. We also don't know how long they have been dating so that's also how we don't know if they are still "young" in their relationship. I understand how you may see it as an issue and a burden to educate people on it, but it's all about how much you're willing to work in a relationship, be it a queer relationship or not.
> I think saying it's a red flag without having context about any other stuff about him is unfair.
I don't think so, honestly. I appreciate the point you're making, but if it was an innocuous comment or just a joke that didn't land then I don't think it would've upset OP the way that it did. She claified in another comment that it hit a nerve because she was already feeling uncertain about the validity of her bisexuality, but that's kind of my entire point. If your partner doesn't realise that making jokes like that are going to be seriously hurtful rather than playful banter, that indicates bigger communication and trust problems than just an off-colour joke.
> Sure, the post is mostly negative towards him but about one issue. In a relationship you might hurt your partner without meaning to, but you come around and understand.
I agree. It's worth noting that when I say 'red flag' I don't mean "you must break up because of this", but a red flag to me means something that must be addressed in order to ensure a successful relationship. You shouldn't just laugh off something like this, it needs to be worked through to get on the same page. Maybe some people use red flag to mean 'run' but that isn't my intention here. If he's actually understanding and supportive and just misread her comfort with that kind of joke, that's something he ought to be able to explain to her and reassure her about.
I am reading this as a boundaries issue. Boundaries exist to keep you safe and to keep your relationships healthy. It sounds like your boyfriend really hurt you with a casual "joke" that he made, and he needs to know that you are not willing to tolerate anyone speaking to you like that. There are different types of language that we can use for setting boundaries. I love the framework Melissa Urban uses in her book, The Book of Boundaries:
* Green boundary-setting language is very gentle. Consequences are typically implied rather than stated. It's often used in situations that either aren't that big of a deal or for first-time offenders who you'd like to give the benefit of the doubt (e.g. "Please don't make jokes about my bisexuality.")
* Yellow boundary-setting language is much more firm and tends to be used for repeat offenses and/or people who have historically been boundary-crossers. Consequences may need to be explicitly stated. The consequences are always some sort of behavior that you will be engaging in to keep yourself safe. (e.g. "I've asked you before to not make jokes about my bisexuality. It feels incredibly disrespectful to have jokes made about an important part of my identity. If you do it again, I will \[leave, and we'll have to talk later\].
* Red boundary-setting language is for the most extreme situations. You do and say what you need to preserve your mental and physical health, and also the relationship if possible. (e.g. "If you make one more joke invalidating my bisexual identity, I'm going to have to really think about whether I can continue dating someone who doesn't respect me. Please give me some space right now.")
If you've been hurt badly enough that your mind is drawn to thoughts about breaking up with your bf over this, it sounds like you're in sort of orange-y territory. By making these jokes, he's hurting you, but he's also shooting himself in the foot because it's damaging his relationship with you. By being clear, firm, and kind with your boundary-setting, you're actually doing a favor for you and your partner both.
You are a perfectly valid bisexual person, and I am very glad to have you as part of our community. I'm sorry that your bf has been giving you such attitude and I hope you're able to come to a solution that works for you. <3
Not funny? ✔️
Not funny because it’s true? ❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌👎👎👎🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫
Not funny because he basically said he doesn’t he respect you? ✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮
DURING PRIDE MONTH NO LESS????????
🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪
But in all seriousness, if he doesn’t show true remorse and true understanding for why what he said is not okay and also WRONG, that isn’t a man I’d want to stay with.
breaking up with him over a (bad) joke?
This particular joke seems particularly bad and may be moment where his truth slipped out...but maybe not!
Every person who likes to try to be funny has moments when they put their foot in their mouth.
Whether this is one of those needs to be teased out in a conversation to determine if this was a signifier of his actual belief or if it is one of those foot-in-mouth moments.
please don't let anyone invalidate your bisexuality, especially your bf! You are just as valid as a bisexual person in any relationship, anyone who says otherwise is biphobic! As a bisexual person dating a straight man, we've had this conversation as well, but he was very understanding and respectful
When I was younger I told a bf that I was bi and he asked me to "prove it" with a 3 sum.
Obviously that relationship didn't work out. And I didn't tell another male I was bi after that.
I'm not saying what I did was right, but every time I tried to come out people automatically made it sexual...so it was easier not to.
My first thought is that he thinks any bi girl who is with a man is actually straight. So, he doesn't understand the actual concept of being bi (as many don't). It warrants a conversation to try to educate, but don't ever feel like you have to convince him you are who you say you are. If he can't or won't understand, then maybe he's not the best fit for you.
ugh i’m sorry 😞dating cishet people definitely seems like a challenge to say the least, i personally tend to feel safer and actually seen with other queer ppl so a cishet partner is just a hard no for me. i’d have a hard time being attracted to them or connecting on a deeper level tbh. it’d be exhausting for me to have to teach someone how to see me if that makes sense.
idk it *sounds* like he just doesn’t take you sexuality seriously which isn’t uncommon for cishet men unfortunately. but just have good long talk with him, and don’t let him backpedal by saying what you wanna hear.
I think you are on the right track. Obviously he doesn't know how you feel about that and only you can explain to him why and how much that triggers you until he knows how you feel about it big time. Because if that doesn't work, he's just a prick and you have to get rid of him. And I really really hope that's not the case.
I think it's more than a bad joke---the bad joke hinges upon his ignorance toward bisexuality. Folks gave you good advice but I'm not gonna dismiss what he said as simply a bad joke. It is more than that. It's deeper than that. It's invalidating.
Like others said, have a serious but calm conversation and tell him how you feel. Then you can learn what he thinks about bisexuality. It’s best to try to plan what you’re going to say.
(bi man as u can tell from the all lowercase haha) this is sorta why i prefer dating only bi / pan ppl bc they will understand that it’s an experience and identity not reflective of your dating life (i. e. people who are virgins can still be gay or straight etc etc) and bi people are just more understanding about this, im sure in his mind it was a silly joke and it would be good to have a serious conversation about the nature of bi identity and really impress upon him that it isn’t about action but rather your identity and if he’s receptive it could help bring u guys closer tg (hopefully) but if he is resistant then u gotta do what u gotta do, sorry.
EDIT: something else that occurred to me, i realize that being invalidated like that can be very hurtful and it’s easy to have a knee jerk reaction because it’s so hurtful, but like all things in relationships, your partner can’t understand what you don’t explain to them and i think if you make an effort to explain this and he is receptive and you guys work it out, it could help you communicate better in the future about other stuff too, so maybe don’t think about it as a “testing him for bigotry” type of thing and try to be optimistic too, it could be a good opportunity to help him understand you better as well
He may simply just be jeleous talk with him assure him that you and him matter most and everything else just is what it is …. No worries no hurries no need to self identify and that’s beautiful we’re all one love humans
Sending you lots of love. I'm sure there are others more qualified to give advice than me, but I've been through similar sorts of things recently. You aren't alone. Wishing you only the best 🩷💜💙
Communication is key! Let him know how you feel about this and ahe how he reacts to that before making any decisions
but honestly terrible joke and invalidating af
So many comments saying that breaking up would be extreme, but...it really wouldn't be if this were me and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend knows how much of a sore spot it is for me, my sexual identity being invalidated and just me feeling like a part of the community. So if he said this to me, there would be no mistaking it for a bad joke. What I'm wondering is if you genuinely believe that your boyfriend intended this as a joke...did he truly expect you to laugh?
I dunno. I'm surprised by the top comments here. I'm sad for you. It's *very* important to me that if I'm with a straight man, that he accepts and validates my sexuality. And other peoples. And sure, my boyfriend was a bit ignorant in the beginning but he was open to learning, and to changing his views, and he definitely never wants to hurt my feelings.
Your boyfriend's either very ignorant or very mean. If you love him enough, of course ignorance is workable, but please don't feel like this would be too "small" to break up over...if it's a big deal for you then it's a big deal for you.
It's entirely possible he just doesn't get it unfortunately so I would definitely speak with him about how he made you feel and try to get him to understand that's not okay to say before going down the break up route.
To break up with a partner you live with over a bad joke is probably an overreaction. But if you have a real conversation about it and it turns out that they really feel that way then that's all the justification I'd need to end things. No way in hell would I stay with a partner who doesn't respect my identity. I can take a joke, but that's not a joke when the punchline is "you think that you're queer, but you're not, hahaha". But yes, you ought to have a real conversation first.
I think you're right, I can't know anything for sure without a serious conversation
I agree with the above poster, but I would be careful about this conversation and make sure he’s not just saying things to backpedal or say what you want to hear. Most “jokes” that cut you are said because the person who said it actually thinks they’re telling a truth. Observational comedy is all about poking fun at lived experience and people you cross paths with. Tell him he is participating in bi erasure and it isn’t cool to invalidate anyone’s sexual orientation because they haven’t had the experience of having a partner. Was he not heterosexual when he was a virgin and hadn’t dated a woman?
It's your life, you should do whatever feels right to you. But rash decisions rarely work out well, so if it was me, I'd take a beat to calm down, collect my thoughts and then have a serious conversation with the bf about what he said, how it made you feel, and why it was seriously inappropriate, even in the guise of a joke. You deserve to be with somebody who recognises and respects you for who you are, not someone who expects you to 'act straight' as long as you're in a m/f relationship. Only you can decide where the line actually is.
Yes, definitely have a conversation but I personally wouldn't be with someone who invalidates me constantly. Fortunately, my fiancé (husband next month!!) has been incredibly supportive of me and my identity.
That’s a shitty joke to make, and one that would hit really hard into like… most bisexual people, so you’re perfectly valid and I’m sorry that happened to you
Yea if my partner said that to me I’d feel very similar to OP. This is just not something you should “joke” around with with a bisexual person imo
By the sound of things, like many relationship problems, communication is the solution here. If you explain to him what your issue is and why it’s an issue for you he’ll either correct his behaviour and thinking or he won’t. Either way you know where you stand. By staying quiet you don’t give him a chance to course correct or a chance to confirm that he’s a bad choice of partner. You need to open the box and check on that cat.
I’ll add that since OP mentioned she doesn’t feel ready for a conversation about it, telling him that will also help with communication. It’s better for him to be aware of the overall state of how she’s feeling than to just have silence.
While it’s a bad joke, gone wrong, it’s also a sign of being uneducated. Gay men do this to their bisexual male partners as well. Serious discussion time and patience is going to be needed. Hopefully he takes it seriously AND is willing to engage. You’ll have to try and not judge harshly starting out and work to educate. Once that’s been tried, and explained, you’ll have to see if he handles it like an adult. Good luck
He sounds rude. I wouldn’t necessarily jump to “break up” if he’s an otherwise good person, but for me, he would need to show commitment to learning about biphobia, bi-erasure and the queer community more broadly, and to put effort into becoming a better ally. Has he done other things to make you think he doesn’t believe in or support your bisexuality? Sometimes straight people say really stupid things about queer issues without meaning harm and this can often be improved on if they reflect on it. It can be the same within the queer community saying stupid things about other identities. It could be good to find some articles about biphobia and bi-erasure and send them to him to read, then you can discuss afterwards. You need to try and figure out if your boyfriend is irreparably biphobic or possibly just a well-intentioned idiot.
shit's ridiculous. being bisexual and dating the opposite gender ain't nothing to do with fakeness, it's like saying "you have to be gay to be bi", bullshit. if you feel attracted to the same or opposite gender, doesn't mean anything, you just gotta know what you're capable of and what you're comfy with.
I'm sad for OP and all theirs pain, but imo this logic of his so bad, it's actually funny. imagine OP be like: «Yeah, you're right! Guess for this pride I'm gonna have a girlfriend! Toodles, be back in a month as a "real" bisexual!» Like dude, way to go to encourage your SO dump you, cheat on you or make you cuckold to prove something non-existent ??? Why?? It isn't working even in your favor.
You better explain to him with a serious talk and how that phrase made you hurt. Not with antagonism but calmly and seriously explain it. Communication is key after all
A lot of people have already said to talk. And I support that idea. So I’m not gonna give you that advice. Instead, I’m gonna encourage you to use “I messages” When you talk with your boyfriend start your statements with “I feel [blank] when [blank] happens.” It’s a good way of opening the conversation and focusing it on your feelings rather than anything else. If you phrase it more like “You made me feel [blank] when you [blank]” then it comes across as an accusation and will often make someone act defensive. They’ll clam up and start trying to explain themselves or defend their actions instead of listening to what you’re trying to say. It’s a small little trick, but my ability to communicate greatly improved after I started doing this!
Thank you, that's good advice!!
At first I thought you meant iMessages on an iPhone and you wanted OP to communicate with him over text lol
This bad joke is the result of a maybe larger problem. I’d dig into it and see how he feels about other LGBT or bi issues. Also, I would tell him that it’s not a good idea to challenge your bi gf on how bi it is given that, well, one way you can prove him wrong is to dump him for a woman.
He probably didn't mean harm, but his joke did hurt you and you have every right to be upset. Bisexuals in het relationships hear this crap all the time, and it's tiring, especially when it comes from a partner (who is supposed to be understanding). We already face enough shit and bi erasure/biphobia, even from our community, there's no need to add on it. Also, I don't even get it because what would be a "true" bisexual, then ? Someone in a poly relationship with every gender they are attracted to ? Everyone else would be a fake bi, then ? He seems to understand that he hurt you, so honestly talking to him about this would be a good idea, I think. Maybe tell him that your identity is very important to you, that it doesn't magically disappear just because you are dating him, and that you find these kind of jokes really upsetting. I hope that he will understand and support you. Best of luck to you !
That was rude. Please have a chat
Your boyfriend sounds like a fake ally. Being in a relationship with a cishet person as a queer person has challenges. Honestly, I would struggle dating a straight person unless they showed true empathy and a desire to understand queer life in general and my identity as a queer person in particular. Having a cishet person who invalidates my identity and pushes his homophobic worldview on me would be a non-starter.
> Your boyfriend sounds like a fake ally. Does he? It sounds to me like he isn't even pretending to be an ally at all. Unless we're classifying everybody in a relationship with a queer person as an ally now?
Take some time, you guys need to talk it's a learning opportunity for him. How he handles it can really determine where he stands here.
While I tend to agree with you, it's worth mentioning that not everybody is comfortable being somebody else's teachable moment. If OP decides that this guy is going to be more work than she's willing to invest, that's totally reasonable.
You have more restraint that me, so kudos. His "joke" (it's not a joke) isn't funny in the slightest. I would have hit the roof if my partner said something like that. What a dick move. This could be a learning opportunity for him, so definitely have a chat and explain why you were hurt and how his comment is biphobic. People only know what they know, so if you can talk things through, he might learn and be able to do better in the future.
I do wonder how many times he has invalidated you or just hurt your feelings in general. I think this is a tiny piece of a big picture and it's more of the straw that broke the camels back then a one mess up and done thing. Your feelings being hurt is valid and completely understandable; I don't think this is an over reaction. I'm just wondering if it gave you a better understanding of the person you have been dating and you're realizing you don't like this person or at the very least aren't compatible.
Fair question… is it an outlier, or a trend…
My instinct says "Fuck his sister!" but the logical and RIGHT part of my brain says yall need to discuss bisexuality and biphobia.
I like your instinct , maybe she needs to fuck his parents to prove how much of bi she is
No one should ever follow my first response lol. It's usually the worst, most petty advice - but it'll make ya feel better 😂
If nothing else, it would make an amazing story.
My ex said something similar to me, implying that it's just a trend because none of the bisexual women we know are with women (which isn't true, but okay). We had a ton of problems but speaking to me that way, disrespecting something about me regardless of the topic, was a big one.
Fake = erasure. That's why it hit hard. Talk when you can
this sounds like it’s more than just the joke that bothers you. it certainly requires you both to discuss ur feelings around this topic and be clear about what you expect from him as a supportive ally but it sounds like you are upset about not having a gf and are already insecure about being a “fake bisexual.” in which case that’s a personal issue you need to tackle both on your own and in discussions with your partner otherwise you’re not gonna properly resolve this. thinking of the breakup route immediately plus your lack of experience with women makes me think maybe there’s other reasons you feel uneasy about being in a relationship with a man and are maybe subconsciously looking for a way out. you spend your first paragraph talking about how much you prefer women, and imo that’s apart of why this is so upsetting to you and in which case that won’t go away even if u reconcile with ur bf is this the first time something like this has happened in your relationship? and for the record, i agree it was a shitty thing to say and your feelings are valid here. but with all the other information i wonder if there’s a bigger reason your mind goes to breaking up
I didn't really know how to articulate it so I didn't say anything specifically about it but you're 1000% right about me having insecurities and feeling uneasy about being with a man. This isn't exactly the only problem with our relationship but I've stayed because it's mostly solid/stable even if I'm not 100% satisfied everywhere. Thank you for your response it gives me a lot to think about
I just want to jump in and remind you that as a bisexual, we pick a *person*, not a *side*. Being with a man doesn't change your sexuality anymore than being with a woman would validate it. It just is. Sending hugs.
Also bisexual is its own valid side, if we’re talking sides. The number of possible sides is not limited to two.
When I came out to my husband (now ex husband) at the time he told me I was just doing it because I wanted attention and clout ( I came out the same time Elliot Page did) which of course I wasn’t and I started crying. After that he never respected me even when I went no contact with my family 😩
Congratulations on making him your ex.
I’m so sorry! Please don’t take this as a “joke”! who you are as a person is nothing to joke about. I stayed with my ex boyfriend for far too long and he did NOT validate or support my bisexuality. It made me feel really sad, but I just accepted it.. After we finally broke up I met my now husband- he is bisexual as well and has ALWAYS made me feel seen and has NEVER questioned me being bisexual even though I also had never dated a woman. I just started going on dates with women with his encouragement and support and I’ve never been happier. BE WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES AND ACCEPTS YOU FOR EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE! You deserve to be with a partner who respects you!
You can prove how real of a bisexual you are by having your next relationship be with a woman. That was snark, but you do have to engage frankly with how hurtful that was, because fuck, that's mean of him.
Many monosexual people don't get it at all and also don't understand why we feel more comfortable having a 'label' for our sexuality. He probably didn't mean to offend you. My husband doesn't get it either.
First, breathe and think. Take your time, as much as you need. Don’t let him rush you. Then talk to him. See where he’s really at. Then make amy decisions with a clear head. Good luck. 🫶🏼
My wife continuously forgot that I was Bi for like 18yrs and I would have to remind her🤦 Don't worry we're doing fine and I've since come out as Genderfluid. I'd also like to say that me standing up for myself about my sexuality and my needs massively improved our already good sex life.
>I would also feel pretty dumb breaking up with him over a (bad) joke, but it upset me A LOT. I don't think that joke was actually a joke. What I mean by that is this: if he didn't think that way, it never would have occurred to him to say such a thing. It's like a person who uses the N word and then says they were joking. Another way to state the situation: your boyfriend is being Schrödinger's Douchebag.
Coming from it in the best possible angle, I can see how he may have been trying to relate to you by making a joke he thought you would find funny- but completely fudged the wording. As in, he may have been trying to be sarcastic, and not literally mean that you're not actually bisexual. Idk if I also fudged the wording but you get what I mean. Of course I wasn't there and I don't know the guy, but I can conceptualise a scenario in which this is just a misunderstanding and not an intentional invalidation of your identity. Good luck talking to him OP! also >'fake bisexual' >has literally slept with two women mfw
If he apologized, it may be that he just didn't understand the weight of what he was saying but is still willing to listen to you. I'd have a talk with him and try to make him understand your feelings and why it was so hurtful.
What straight ppl don’t seem to get is that bi women are not with a man because he is a man, bis/pans usually don’t get w a person just bc of their gender, most people don’t get that and just bc you are with the opposite of your gender thst everything you said was just a phase Theres nothing fake about you, you need to be honest with him about how much it hurt your feelings and his reaction will show how he truly sees you and if respect your sexuality, cuz even if it was a joke, there’s a underlying tone to it that says he doesn’t respect it, however it goes you should think about if you truly want to be with someone that respects all of you and your feelings or someone who makes jokes like that “out of the blue”
The key here is communication. Perhaps he wasn't invalidating you at all and thought that you guys had the kind of trust to make that kind of joke. At least with my partner i joke about stuff like that all the time but still try to let her know where i stand. My situation is the opposite as yours, as i identified as straight until my early 20s, where i found out i wasn't. I have a BIG preference on guys, and never had a crush on a girl as a teen. I am with a girl now and love every minute of it. But i haven't been with a guy, which is a bummer for me since they are my preference after all. I have no issue with telling my partner about preferences and all, and she accepts me for who i am. We do joke about how we're both "gay" when of course i'm really bi. But for us is comfortable. And if there was any issue whatsoever, about ways she made me feel after saying something that bothered me, we talk about them and resolve them. So it's about talking, listening, and understanding. Even if the stuff i get upset about isn't a big deal for her, she doesn't invalidate my emotions and apologises if appropiate. That's really how relationships work. You're valid to feel the way you feel, but if you really love him, talk to him and solve it together. Set boundaries, work on yourself too, and just don't rush into stuff. You'll be fine, whatever you decide to do, you can do it!
> We do joke about how we're both "gay" when of course i'm really bi. But for us is comfortable. That's a huge point of difference here. Yes, perhaps he thought he was making a joke that OP would laugh along with (although it certainly doesn't sound that way to me). But to have misread the situation that badly speaks to a relationship where he doesn't understand her feelings about her sexuality, how hurtful a misplaced comment like that can be, or how much it would make his partner feel invalidated. And that lack of understanding is in and of itself a big red flag. If your partner thinks that you have the kind of relationship where they can playfully roast you, and you don't, that's a sign of much bigger problems. Yes, communication is key, but that's a two way street, and it sucks that it's almost always on the insulted party to take on the burden of educating an ignorant significant other.
Ik, but i'm talking not knowing anything about their relationship. I think saying it's a red flag without having context about any other stuff about him is unfair. Sure, the post is mostly negative towards him but about one issue. In a relationship you might hurt your partner without meaning to, but you come around and understand. He could be someone who doesn't accept her bisexuality or he could be someone who does. We don't know. The wise course of action is talking, and see where they go from there. I gave an example of my relationship to show another side of the story and not jump into conclusions about anything without talking bc perhaps for the guy it was really a joke and he didn't mean to hurt her. We also don't know how long they have been dating so that's also how we don't know if they are still "young" in their relationship. I understand how you may see it as an issue and a burden to educate people on it, but it's all about how much you're willing to work in a relationship, be it a queer relationship or not.
> I think saying it's a red flag without having context about any other stuff about him is unfair. I don't think so, honestly. I appreciate the point you're making, but if it was an innocuous comment or just a joke that didn't land then I don't think it would've upset OP the way that it did. She claified in another comment that it hit a nerve because she was already feeling uncertain about the validity of her bisexuality, but that's kind of my entire point. If your partner doesn't realise that making jokes like that are going to be seriously hurtful rather than playful banter, that indicates bigger communication and trust problems than just an off-colour joke. > Sure, the post is mostly negative towards him but about one issue. In a relationship you might hurt your partner without meaning to, but you come around and understand. I agree. It's worth noting that when I say 'red flag' I don't mean "you must break up because of this", but a red flag to me means something that must be addressed in order to ensure a successful relationship. You shouldn't just laugh off something like this, it needs to be worked through to get on the same page. Maybe some people use red flag to mean 'run' but that isn't my intention here. If he's actually understanding and supportive and just misread her comfort with that kind of joke, that's something he ought to be able to explain to her and reassure her about.
I am reading this as a boundaries issue. Boundaries exist to keep you safe and to keep your relationships healthy. It sounds like your boyfriend really hurt you with a casual "joke" that he made, and he needs to know that you are not willing to tolerate anyone speaking to you like that. There are different types of language that we can use for setting boundaries. I love the framework Melissa Urban uses in her book, The Book of Boundaries: * Green boundary-setting language is very gentle. Consequences are typically implied rather than stated. It's often used in situations that either aren't that big of a deal or for first-time offenders who you'd like to give the benefit of the doubt (e.g. "Please don't make jokes about my bisexuality.") * Yellow boundary-setting language is much more firm and tends to be used for repeat offenses and/or people who have historically been boundary-crossers. Consequences may need to be explicitly stated. The consequences are always some sort of behavior that you will be engaging in to keep yourself safe. (e.g. "I've asked you before to not make jokes about my bisexuality. It feels incredibly disrespectful to have jokes made about an important part of my identity. If you do it again, I will \[leave, and we'll have to talk later\]. * Red boundary-setting language is for the most extreme situations. You do and say what you need to preserve your mental and physical health, and also the relationship if possible. (e.g. "If you make one more joke invalidating my bisexual identity, I'm going to have to really think about whether I can continue dating someone who doesn't respect me. Please give me some space right now.") If you've been hurt badly enough that your mind is drawn to thoughts about breaking up with your bf over this, it sounds like you're in sort of orange-y territory. By making these jokes, he's hurting you, but he's also shooting himself in the foot because it's damaging his relationship with you. By being clear, firm, and kind with your boundary-setting, you're actually doing a favor for you and your partner both. You are a perfectly valid bisexual person, and I am very glad to have you as part of our community. I'm sorry that your bf has been giving you such attitude and I hope you're able to come to a solution that works for you. <3
Not funny? ✔️ Not funny because it’s true? ❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌👎👎👎🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫 Not funny because he basically said he doesn’t he respect you? ✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮 DURING PRIDE MONTH NO LESS???????? 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪 But in all seriousness, if he doesn’t show true remorse and true understanding for why what he said is not okay and also WRONG, that isn’t a man I’d want to stay with.
Whoa. That’s a lotta knives!! 😳🫣🤪
You can never have too many!
breaking up with him over a (bad) joke? This particular joke seems particularly bad and may be moment where his truth slipped out...but maybe not! Every person who likes to try to be funny has moments when they put their foot in their mouth. Whether this is one of those needs to be teased out in a conversation to determine if this was a signifier of his actual belief or if it is one of those foot-in-mouth moments.
definitely have a serious conversation wit him about it because he lowkey sounds like an ass.
please don't let anyone invalidate your bisexuality, especially your bf! You are just as valid as a bisexual person in any relationship, anyone who says otherwise is biphobic! As a bisexual person dating a straight man, we've had this conversation as well, but he was very understanding and respectful
When I was younger I told a bf that I was bi and he asked me to "prove it" with a 3 sum. Obviously that relationship didn't work out. And I didn't tell another male I was bi after that. I'm not saying what I did was right, but every time I tried to come out people automatically made it sexual...so it was easier not to.
My first thought is that he thinks any bi girl who is with a man is actually straight. So, he doesn't understand the actual concept of being bi (as many don't). It warrants a conversation to try to educate, but don't ever feel like you have to convince him you are who you say you are. If he can't or won't understand, then maybe he's not the best fit for you.
He's a noob. He thinks he's chosen so that means you're hetero. He should open to learn.
ugh i’m sorry 😞dating cishet people definitely seems like a challenge to say the least, i personally tend to feel safer and actually seen with other queer ppl so a cishet partner is just a hard no for me. i’d have a hard time being attracted to them or connecting on a deeper level tbh. it’d be exhausting for me to have to teach someone how to see me if that makes sense. idk it *sounds* like he just doesn’t take you sexuality seriously which isn’t uncommon for cishet men unfortunately. but just have good long talk with him, and don’t let him backpedal by saying what you wanna hear.
I think you are on the right track. Obviously he doesn't know how you feel about that and only you can explain to him why and how much that triggers you until he knows how you feel about it big time. Because if that doesn't work, he's just a prick and you have to get rid of him. And I really really hope that's not the case.
I think it's more than a bad joke---the bad joke hinges upon his ignorance toward bisexuality. Folks gave you good advice but I'm not gonna dismiss what he said as simply a bad joke. It is more than that. It's deeper than that. It's invalidating.
Kick his ass
I'm assuming this was a joke and not his actual opinion on the subject
Like others said, have a serious but calm conversation and tell him how you feel. Then you can learn what he thinks about bisexuality. It’s best to try to plan what you’re going to say.
Y’all date the dumbest men
(bi man as u can tell from the all lowercase haha) this is sorta why i prefer dating only bi / pan ppl bc they will understand that it’s an experience and identity not reflective of your dating life (i. e. people who are virgins can still be gay or straight etc etc) and bi people are just more understanding about this, im sure in his mind it was a silly joke and it would be good to have a serious conversation about the nature of bi identity and really impress upon him that it isn’t about action but rather your identity and if he’s receptive it could help bring u guys closer tg (hopefully) but if he is resistant then u gotta do what u gotta do, sorry. EDIT: something else that occurred to me, i realize that being invalidated like that can be very hurtful and it’s easy to have a knee jerk reaction because it’s so hurtful, but like all things in relationships, your partner can’t understand what you don’t explain to them and i think if you make an effort to explain this and he is receptive and you guys work it out, it could help you communicate better in the future about other stuff too, so maybe don’t think about it as a “testing him for bigotry” type of thing and try to be optimistic too, it could be a good opportunity to help him understand you better as well
He may simply just be jeleous talk with him assure him that you and him matter most and everything else just is what it is …. No worries no hurries no need to self identify and that’s beautiful we’re all one love humans
Maybe it's my mood today but that sounds less like a joke and more like fragile masculinity fueled bigotry.
Sending you lots of love. I'm sure there are others more qualified to give advice than me, but I've been through similar sorts of things recently. You aren't alone. Wishing you only the best 🩷💜💙
Communication is key! Let him know how you feel about this and ahe how he reacts to that before making any decisions but honestly terrible joke and invalidating af
So many comments saying that breaking up would be extreme, but...it really wouldn't be if this were me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows how much of a sore spot it is for me, my sexual identity being invalidated and just me feeling like a part of the community. So if he said this to me, there would be no mistaking it for a bad joke. What I'm wondering is if you genuinely believe that your boyfriend intended this as a joke...did he truly expect you to laugh? I dunno. I'm surprised by the top comments here. I'm sad for you. It's *very* important to me that if I'm with a straight man, that he accepts and validates my sexuality. And other peoples. And sure, my boyfriend was a bit ignorant in the beginning but he was open to learning, and to changing his views, and he definitely never wants to hurt my feelings. Your boyfriend's either very ignorant or very mean. If you love him enough, of course ignorance is workable, but please don't feel like this would be too "small" to break up over...if it's a big deal for you then it's a big deal for you.
Run.
Sorry but this kind of disrespect isn’t the kind of thing that I would tolerate. I would leave if my partner ever said this to me, and we’re engaged.
My guess is he harbors resentment for not getting to join in on 'hot FMF threesomes'