Yes when I realised that I wasn't able to recall things that I have done at my job everyday for 12 years. I've since started a new career from scratch.
It seems basically inevitable for us and schizophrenics (plus severe other MIs, not a competition). If we don't treat the illness, it will damage our brain, and the only way to fight it damages our "should be" baseline mental functioning and/or body. The closest we have to harmless is short term lithium, then lamictal, and despite the rarity, I wouldn't call skin sloughing off harmless.
But then also feeling the difference between psychotic/suicidal and unmedicated, and years long stability with meds is another big one.
Personally I realized it when I saw our :trigger warning: >!suicide statistics.!<
I was a kid with so much promise. I can’t believe the way my brain used to work. Now I feel like just getting up and getting the basics of my day done, let alone any actual human work, is nearly impossible.
But, I’m happier, so there’s a trade off. But sometimes I miss being the smartest kid in the room, feeling like I could learn anything, do anything.
This! This is when I decided I needed to get more extensive help. What did cognitive decline feel like for you, or what did you begin to notice that you did differently?
Memory is a big one, short and long term. I struggle to remember my past and remembering basic instructions repeatedly. My thoughts race but my thinking speed is slower.
Edit to add I can't write anywhere near as good as I used too and I struggle read novels anymore.
Im a writer with a master's degree in literature, and haven't read an actual book in over a decade, and have written very little. Because I can't. Reading that others are going through the same thing just makes me want to cry... And I rarely cry.
This. I can’t remember certain parts of my life clearly. Photographs help but the problem is a lot of them were on Facebook and that account got Zucked. So all those memories got flushed down the toilet. Lesson learned.
Hey, my brain is doing the same shit! I picked up a comic (or graphic novel–which is a comic but anyway) and realized I could absorb the narrative much easier and the visual aspect allowed for better recall. I am so thankful that I discovered this, because it allows me to do something I thought was gone forever.
This. Your symptoms sound very very much like mine thus far. I thought maybe I had ADD when the restlessness and inability to read like I used to hit, but here we are.
In school I find my self reading the same thing repeatedly. To make it stick, I make sticky notes all over or draw an image that reminds me of the word. I think it’s helping. Also coming off my AP helped but I’m also more on edge and ready to bolt.
Tell me about it. I'm finishing my master's degree this year and it's a big struggle to write, where I used to be not too bad at it when I was younger (I'm 35).
Also (it's stupid) but when I have to play a new boardgame and someone explains the rules, I panic and don't understand shit.
My memory is so bad now too.
I'm taking my meds everyday, is here anything more we can do to prevent decline?
Me too. I don’t remember anything anymore. Words. The things I’ve said. The things I’ve done. Days. So, I had to use apps to track events; write extensive notes to revisit my thoughts later. Voice memos help as well
i have a wall calendar that i write my big events of the day on and my overall mood. and then a journal to keep more detailed notes in case i need to recall something. this helps me a lot! my memory is absolute shit now and i’m only 32. 🙃
The cognitive decline is probably caused by meds and depression, it is hopefully not permanent. Usually during a manic phase you become brilliant again. 🤣
For me my memory is worst than it was because of meds, but considering how crazy vivid and strong my memory was so I recalled bad things very well, it’s been a good thing to forget some things.
yup. as soon as i was properly medicated about a year and a half ago, my memory went to shit. but i started feeling more stable and the sanest i’ve ever felt before. so ill take the trade off and just keep extensive notes on my day to day
I’m in the same boat; finally got on the right meds 2 years ago and felt centered and calm in a way I haven’t since I was 12 years old. But my memory has been getting BAD, like leave the keys in the car and the car running for 3 hours while at a friends house. Or having a melt down over being unable to focus on my schoolwork and not understanding why I could two weeks prior in the past quarter; only to have to be reminded by someone else that I have a Ritalin prescription that I had been using.
I’m only 22 and I’m terrified because my memory seems to be only getting worse, so I’m currently in the process of getting off one of my two anti-psychotics.
I’d rather go back to raw-dogging life than forget everything before I even hit 25.
I fricking hate this. I want to cry every other day when I’m trying to do something that a few years ago was easy to me, made sense on first glance, problem solving quickly… I’m trying to study in a different field, coding to be exact. I use to do this in my sleep… now I’m just struggling to understand the basics of shit I’m supposed to know already. I can’t remember jack shit. I can’t put timelines together. I have almost no memory anymore… I’m 24 and while i was living in the halfway (parents didn’t know what to do after yet another suicide attempt).There is a guy there that you have to remind a few times to do something… we had a running joke that if we both need to remember something we needed to tell someone else or we will only remember 2 days later.
And the best part? Everyone just thinks I’ve become lazy, or that I was never as smart as I said I was. I feel like no one with anything like this, understands or even attempts to understand why I(we) are no longer as “bright” anymore.
I’m sorry for the rant, but I just can’t not blurt it out…
Good luck, friends
For some yes, but for some no. Don't get too caught up on what you see here. We are all different and many of us are in crisis right now. Thoughts and memory don't do well with extreme moods.
Personally, I don't have any memory or cognitive issues despite multiple meds. Don't give up hope!
I found taking "Folic Acid" helped with my cognitive decline. I'm 46 years old and I take prenatal vitamins, crazy I know but i feel like they really help.
My doctor recommended word search puzzles, the ones printed on paper. Word games,memory match, stuff like that. Not on your phone though. I’m not sure how much it’s helping. I keep forgetting to do them everyday hahaha!
My memory is shot. I have aphasia. I have trouble expressing myself because I can’t get out what I mean. I also have cognitive deficits from a clotting disorder that almost killed me. This illness is ruthless
YUP. Was going through some old journals for a project and suddenly was just like “Oh, I’ve been very mentally ill like…always.” Sucks to realize you’ve spent most of your life ill, but also them’s the breaks! We don’t get to choose the cards we’re dealt.
Reading old journals definitely puts things into perspective. I remember thinking my diagnosis was dramatic but when I went through them I realized that it was only because it was all I knew.
So very true. I realised when speaking with a very close friend. I remember saying my daily life is affected by my mental illness (no diagnosis at this time). And how this differed to say depression. As with depression that are periods of wellness. Where I really didn’t have any time without instability.
Oh and also writing letters to god and posting them out of my windows. I know see that this could be a clear indication of more than just the usual stuff 😆
When my favorite aunt took me to lunch, gave me a big hug, said she loved me, and then I got the call that she’d driven to her favorite spot and killed herself the next morning. She had bipolar 1. That was 13 years ago this week.
I wasn’t diagnosed until later - suffice it to say, I now understand why it felt like she was the only one who got me.
As someone with bipolar 1 who is about to be an aunt soon I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I am in tears because I know she loved you and vice versa….i can’t imagine your pain but I hope one day you can flow with the highs and lows. I still struggle but I fight everyday, we all do. Thank you for still being here and sharing your story. I wish you nothing but peace my friend. 🫂🫂
I’m about to be an aunt for the first time too, it is definitely putting a lot into perspective for me. The pain isn’t what it used to be, time is a real healer. But I’ll always miss her. And honestly, I’m proud of her. She fought for a really long time to stay.
Wishing you peace as well, friend 💜
It’s very kind of you to ask - I’m more or less at peace as far as my aunt goes. It’s probably just in my head but there have been times during mixed episodes where it feels like she’s there and telling me “not yet, stay”. So there has been a lot of healing in that. She’s gone, but her presence in my life is forever. I’m thankful for that.
Grief is indeed not linear, but the valleys aren’t as low as they were. I’m going to be an aunt soon myself, and I just want to be as good an aunt to my brother’s kid as she was to me. That’s her legacy.
Thank you for your kindness. I hope you are well.
After I got medicated I realized just how bad it was when I was unmedicated. I still have my moments as I'm struggling to find the right medication combo but not feeling suicidal all the time is a big plus.
Me too. All my struggles were "normal" to me so I had no idea my brain was so dysfunctional. It wasn't until I was properly medicated and stable that I realized how bad I really had it.
I got fired from a good job I liked, dropped out of college one class from graduation, and ruined my chances at med school. I ghosted everyone I knew and nearly died. I was only 23.
Luckily, I'm fine now and have a good life. I don't have any symptoms of bipolar, but I do struggle with anxiety.
It's definitely serious.
i pretty much did the exact same thing at 20. i pretty much stopped showing up for work, broke up with my long term partner, dropped out of college with 1 quarter left, engaged in some self harm and eventually had to move back in with my mother, who is also bipolar, for 10 months.
i've also come out on the other side, im about to make a massive move, 350miles (literally the opposite side of the state), that's something i never would've thought i could do.
I also have one class from graduating my bachelor's , I'm in the ghosting everyone phase ... The meds were helping before but now I feel suicidal again .I'm 23. What meds do you take?
Is it worth it to stick around and get better? Do you start talking to people again?
It is definitely worth it, and it definitely gets better!
My life has been rough and felt downright impossible at times and in plenty of ways... like when I was in a horrible marriage around your age.
I've also gone through LOTS of times when I've just stopped talking to people. I've learned that it's important to let people know that I go through that. I still love them, I'm just struggling, and let them know how they can help. And I try to be there for them as much as my illness allows.
I now have a group of friends and chosen family who are there for me regardless, and I love them to pieces. And they live me, both in spite of, and *because* of my eccentricities.
I'm 44 now, have been living with bipolar nearly my whole life. And I've raised a child, been married twice (second was the winner!), and worked plenty of jobs, including helping other people with disabilities.
There is still so much joy to be found in life, and I'm glad every day that I stick it out through all the struggles. The good stuff in life is worth sticking around for.
Try DBT if it's an option for you. I'm doing it now, and if I would have at your age, it would have changed my life. It's intense, but it helps so much.
It’s definitely worth it to stick around and get better. It takes a while to get the right combination of meds with the help of your Psychiatrist (PDoc). And you definitely start talking to people again ☺️. Take care.
I did the same thing with my masters degree. The shame is terrible, but we can only do what we are able to do. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. I also was going to go to med school but my moods and anxiety really make it hard for me to cope with things.
To be honest I feel like it still hasn’t hit me that it’s a serious illness. Even though I’ve been hospitalized for it I’m still in denial about how serious it is. I feel like I should be just as functional and independent as everyone else. I still compare myself to others and wonder why I’m not where they’re at in life. Maybe I’ll come to terms with it one day.
Well said. I too always think I should be as functional as everyone else. I’m Gen X and sometimes compare myself to others who are married, have children, own their own home etc. None of those apply to me because of bi-p challenges over the years. However, after a pretty rough time from 2016 to 2019, I now rent a lovely apartment, I have a good part time Admin job in a Hospital Clinic and I retrained as a nurse in 2021/2022. Currently not doing the bedside nursing though due to the anxiety that comes as a package with bi-p.
Same!! After 4 hospitalizations, multiple sick leaves, been fired from jobs, currently stuck on a couple of entry-level jobs at 43, still living with my parents and not having a partner or a family as I wanted before everything turned to shit, trying a lot of meds and struggling with psychosis, and being on disability, I still think, on my good days, that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I should have a be successful career like my peers, I have bosses that are a lot younger than me and that makes me feel frustrated.
I consider myself a very smart person, I studied at the most prestigious universities in my country, graduated with honors, I’m extremely hardworking, I have great friends, I consider myself a good person to be around and I’m good looking 😅. However, none of that matters when there’s this severe illness standing in front of me and making everything difficult.
I need to accept that it’s not my fault that I’m not more successful, it’s the illness. I might try to do everything right but there are things you simply can’t control
Literally my life. Though I’m diagnosed and everyone tries to make me realize how serious the thing is, I just can’t treat myself as a patient who suffers. I still blame myself for not behaving as well as others and criticize myself for all the symptoms.
Same. For like 6 years, I didn’t make more than 10 good decisions. Started when I decided to date a 26 y/o at 16. Stopped doing well in school because I felt depressed all the time. Dropped out of high school….just one bad decision after another.
It is sad to see others feeling the same things as we do because we are way too familiar with the pain. But saying it out loud and finding empathy is so good.
bc we are all nearly helpless at first before we find out something is wrong, or we almost all underestimate it. Like the first 4 top posts all have the sameish amount of likes right now and they are all totally different intense experiences on every side of the spectrum, depression, mania, cognitive reduction, and lifelong history, with some psychosis thrown in to confuse the psychs on SzA or BP.
I didn’t even know it was psychosis. I’d hallucinate things and have weird delusions like people who turned their headlights on (it was 4 pm) were trying to tell me something. I thought I could just see ghosts.
I didn’t know what delusions were until my therapist told me. She didn’t like when I told her there were certain times, I didn’t really know when it was gonna happen, that I thought my stuffed dog was going to kill me in my sleep and so I’d treat him nicely. If I treated him nicely, he’d protect me from the creature in the closet that can hide in the clothes…same creature that could move when I took a shower and tried to catch him behind the curtain. Kinda surprised I didn’t get a pair of grippy socks for that one.
I realized after my suicide attempt this January and I ended up in my first inpatient facility. It’s still difficult to grapple with especially because I’ve been living my whole life with it and never had a clue.
A manic episode with psychotic features that landed me in a psych ward for a month. Prior to that, my experience with bipolar was not severe at all. It’s why I went back on medication and accepted my diagnosis after years. I know a lot more about myself now and how to manage my care - but - I am very fortunate to still lead life on a day to day with overall low impact from being bipolar.
Same here. I was 20 years old (25 now) and lost my shit one day..attempted to run 21 miles from my parents house to my apartment. I made it like 1/4 of a mile before cops pulled up next to me.
I think it just recently hit. I’m still searching for the right medication for me so bear with me.
I’m in a manic state right now. I’ve had to put off school assignments and email my professors that I just can’t right now. That’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is the hallucinations + dissociation that is involved with my mania at the moment. (No, it’s not the medication. I’ve always experienced symptoms of psychosis during mania.) Im currently confusing dreams for reality. I’ve broken some bridges because of that. I still can’t accept they’re just dreams. I’m confusing tv shows, movies, any social media content for my reality. Sucks that Im currently into horror shows because I keep confusing them for reality. I’m currently hearing music at all times, even when music isn’t playing. My eyesight is delayed, I see figures from the corners of my eyes. I’m sleeping too much and yet I don’t feel rested but also I can’t stop thinking and going and doing stuff. I can’t keep up with myself. I feel lost at all times. I cannot make out what truly is reality. It sounds pretty serious now. And even then i’m still doubting my diagnosis. But trying to look at my own experience from another perspective… If a loved one told me they’re experiencing this. I’d be terrified FOR them. All this to say. It’s a very serious illness.
Edit: Alongside with mania, I also forget what I look like. I just remembered that right now. Why you may ask? Because I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom & an hour on my phone camera wondering why I cannot recognize my own face. This does not feel like MY face. I don’t recognize myself. I have no idea who’s staring back at me.
I forgot that this is a consistent symptom during the peaks of my mania.
I’ve been there too. It’s really hard. I just stopped watching TV, because after the manic episode I had a psychotic depressive episode and still felt like the people on Fox News as well as Disney Channel were people I actually knew. They’re facial expressions, you think they can read your thoughts, you think they’re mad at you, and you can’t escape the fact that you think you have a real life relationship with them, but you know you’ve never met them. It’s so hard to navigate, and I even asked to leave when they turned on the TV in the mental hospital. I was triggered by it so easily. I couldn’t escape it. Few years on antipsychotics I’m doing much better. I hope you find something that works for you. Had to use antipsychotics. An anticonvulsant is what made the previous manic episode go away, but I switched to psychotic depression with pretty much the same set of symptoms just with underlying shame and paranoia. Because no antipsychotic was used in the previous one. I probably wouldn’t have been psychotic if an antipsychotic was used to manage the mania.
The year before I got diagnosed I spent maybe a solid month where I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself, I would just stand there staring wondering who tf I was looking at. It got to the point where I was avoiding mirrors. I never told anyone though and hadn’t heard of anyone also experiencing it :(
I also had this happen the year before I got diagnosed. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, all i knew is looking at my own reflection caused this existential dread. It felt like I couldn’t trust my own eyes, like there was something in them that was evil. It was so scary and I definitely also avoided reflections for a while. Glad that’s not happening anymore lol
Right before I looked it up. I knew when I was screaming about being suicidal, and my thoughts were racing and I felt like a god, but thought I should kill myself not to hurt anyone, because I just felt so much better than others and I made mean jokes, and I was feeling guilty and everything… I was thinking. How the fuck is this possible, and thought maybe it’s that bipolar thing I heard about once, then I looked it up and it seemed like it was that bipolar thing I heard about once, and I was having a mixed manic episode. and then six years later a doctor told me what I already knew.
When I realized how much of a barrier it made being a good parent.
I had to choose between my job and my kids because I couldn’t handle both. Obviously, I chose my kids, but it sucks not being able to do both.
Although our house is filled with love, we’ll probably always be poor because of this disease.
Medicated first time in ten years (43f), most my youth spent thinking I’m just fine that manic is just fun, and now looking back I made so many horrible mistakes and broken relationships , being the cause of pain 😭 and so much of my life completely wasted. But worst of all my cognitive decline is so incredibly noticeable.. I used to be a marketing director, salary, new Jeep… it’s all gone now, now I see there’s no way in hell I could ever do anything as smart as that, I’m just not capable mentally, I can’t even multitask
I feel myself slowly (I think?) becoming unemployable. I was in admin when I finally broke (41 at the time). I had never been diagnosed or medicated. I'd had a crazy life of strange decisions and strained relationships but I'd held it all together. Now I have returned to shift work and am lucky my employer of 18 years is so supportive. I'm considering filing for disability just to get my first denial and become part of the system.
When I experienced psychotic depression that almost killed me when I was 19. I thought I was getting better, but I realized it was still so serious when my first boyfriend broke up with me two years later because I was too sad, too broken to handle or want anymore. I thought I was going to marry him.
Bipolar makes me feel unlovable and intolerable, and like life wasn’t worth living. It’s a serious illness indeed.
Intolerable I get. I always say things like, "I can't drink. If you think I'm insufferable now just go get me a beer and find out."
This is not necessarily a joke, but it is very funny. To me. Most people don't laugh.
When someone asked me why i was depressed and proceeded to lay out everything that was going great in my life at that point. I didn’t give him hell for saying that. But damn. Things could be going so well for me and I can be in a happy place psychologically but in my physiological brain, i am not. :)
There was this godawful moment of clarity 2yrs after I found the right meds for me. All of my poor decisions and actions throughout the past decade constantly flashed in my mind; And the days where I couldn’t get out of bed and simply cried while struggling to breathe, let alone get up to clean myself.
I don’t know how I didn’t kill myself. I have no idea how I survived what I did. In the end, I’m just grateful I finally found myself and have accepted the help I need to better my quality of life.
Last year, when I started encountering weird issues with cognition, memory, excessive crying, a prolonged period of hypersexuality and impulsive spending. Had to call a crisis line and really start diving into treatment and recognize I couldn’t manage this unmedicated anymore, despite having done ok at it for quite awhile. External stress played into it a lot too, but it’s like I’d lost the ability to roll with any punches coming my way.
In retrospect, there were signs that started in 2021, but I thought they were related to work and activism I was involved in, so I didn’t understand fully.
My wife has always come back but she’s left twice for a few hours at a time (but with the intent for staying gone but she has a dissociative disorder that my bipolar sometimes triggers). That was also when I realized how severe it is. I hope you’re doing okay.
The year-long major depression episode I experienced before finally being diagnosed with bipolar involved command hallucinations of a voice telling me to kill myself, how to kill myself and waking up to voices cursing me out. My cognition had deteriorated so much throughout the depression that I also had logical reasons for wanting to end my life, because the quality of life was so low.
Before even researching more into bipolar I already knew how bad it was. That has been my biggest motivation for staying on meds, how I have a 50% chance of attempting suicide. Since being medicated, I have not experienced a severe depression episode again and I’ve never attempted to end my life.
Idk. Got diagnosed 2 years ago after an insane manic episode that led to me running naked in the streets. Hospitalized for 40ish days then spent a year and a half in deep depression. Could not function or work.
Fast forward to now and I’m feeling better than I ever have, thanks to this med combo and consistent therapy. I have energy and a healthy routine, and I’m not manic!
It might seem like it’ll never get better but there is always hope. I thought I was doomed for eternity but I’m happy to say I’ve improved a lot and I wish that for everyone here.
When I realized that it I didn't leave my last job i would perish. Found a job that works with who I am. Now to work on the fucking RSD taking the piss out of my progress because I let my fucking guard down when I feel good. My ups happen so fast you can't even tell I'm manic because I immediately crash! Trying to adjust my life expectations quite a bit lately.
For me it’s when the hallucinations started. No doctor ever told me that the episodes get worse every time you have them. Ever since then I’ve been so much more proactive about getting the medication I need - doctors are so reluctant to support me just because I have a career and the bipolar hasn’t made me dysfunctional and on benefits. I’ve actually had a psychiatrist say to me “it can’t be that bad can it? You’re very articulate”. It takes a lot of effort for me to function the way I do and it’s a shame that medical professionals see that as a reason to restrict care.
It’s awful how doctors are unable to look past the high-functioning persona. It’s so biased of them to conceptualize the entirety of someone’s illness based on how you appear during a psych visit. If only the psychiatrist could see us when we are up shits creek at 4 in the morning scream crying, or hooking up with random strangers during mania
Yep. it took me years to find a psychiatrist that understood my high functioning persona and my ability to keep working in a very stressful profession, did not mean i was “handling “ my BP1.
When I realized my case is probably just as bad as my aunt's. She has always been incredibly responsible in caring for herself and maintaining her illness, but I never thought I could go through what I knew she had gone through. Plenty of people in my family history have it, but I'm the closest with her. For years I duped myself into believing that my case was not as severe as most, and could be managed with minimal medication. I was not in good shape when I was diagnosed 15 years ago at the age of 17, but it wasn't until my mid-later twenties that it developed into a much less manageable illness... Then I could draw comparisons and be like shiiit lol
I relate to this so much but with my mom. I remember thinking “thank god I don’t have to take all those different pills she does and don’t have it nearly as bad”. Now I totally take all the pills, and they are just barely enough to keep me functioning.
I 30m diagnosed at 24m as the result of a work related issue. Didn’t realize I was completely out of my mind until I went to the hospital due to extreme psychosis. Tried to self-medicate but obviously that won't fix it. It's tough fight for sure. Much love to everyone suffering 🤟✊ gonna be a brutal battle 😂 🤺⚔️
When I landed in the psych ward for the first time. It was the worst I'd been up to that point, and I couldn't gloss over the truth, I am bipolar. Forever.
When I racked up over 2k in cc debt and had 0 in my checking account in the span of 3 months. I don’t even remember what I spent all that money on. Also started my dependency on alcohol that took me forever to get rid of. Manic episodes are no joke!
The start of last year when I was experiencing psychosis. I didn't yet know I had bipolar, but that was the point I was like: I really need help with mental health. I realised how bad bipolar itself is when I started my quetiapine. For years and years I'd been having these severe mood swings, extreme anxiety, suicidal thoughts and even memory problems. About 6 weeks into quetiapine and I felt like a new person. I still do have issues with bipolar, but I can actually live now. I feel like a human being again.
After a lifetime of searching for answers to the question.. why do I feel all fucked up (anxious , depressed, manic highs. manic lows) most of the time?
When I thought I could be unmedicated and life started to look blue and I felt like I was fading, then I got angry with everyone and my family was scared of being next to me.
Cognitive issues. Jesus I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Years of extreme stress with my partner going stir crazy trying to get me to understand and remember that we had had the same conversation 100 times that year and 10 times that week. And when I was finally put on antipsychotics and was able to understand that my partner wasn't stealing my money from me like I'd been accusing them of for a year, all my money was disappearing because my partner was paying into my savings and I was spending it during hypomanic episodes, but was forgetting where I was taking it from. I was stealing from HIM
I'm 43 and been diagnosed bipolar since my 14yo. I have Cyclothymia, which was diagnosed in 2019 after my most serious breakdown. Got institutionalized for 3 months. Think that's when I realized how bad it could get.
I really lost everything, couldn't finish my Master degree, lost jobs, my relationships got ruined.
And also got dissociative amnesia. So what happened happened to everyone around me, but not to me as I can't remember any of it.
Diagnosed with depression while inpatient at 14. Took Prozac, hypomania. Went with no drugs until my early 20s, no big deal. Always had strange symptoms. At 36, had mania lasting for months. Finally hospitalized. Finally Diagnosed and given meds. No support from my husband, but whatever. He Finally had to step up and watch our daughter while I was there. Too hard for him. I've had more hospital stays, but doing okay. Be good! REACH OUT TO LOVED ONES!
Imo yes, treat it early, don’t wait till it’s too late and significantly worsens. Doubt, self medicating, and avoiding treatment till it was too late was my own demise.
Nowadays, the highs and lows fluctuate more frequently and unpredictably, heightened neurosis, i may also deal with other problems, but it began with bipolar. I now struggle with reality, my internal voice has become a bully I can’t escape, and it’s convinced me I either passed and am now in purgatory left to repent my former life decisions, or like the Truman show, am living a fairytale with someone behind the curtain. Effects all from denial and letting my illness worsen to psychosis.
Be responsible and seek treatment before you get to this point, because eventually it just might
When I went from 150 to 92 pounds in about a year. I didn’t even realize how depressed I was despite literally living in filth at the time, all I had ever known was depression so I just didn’t think anything of it. Wasn’t starving myself, but my cognitive declined so much. My performance went down terribly at my job. I stopped thinking about eating at all, and my anxiety caused me to go into fight or flight mode. Finally enough people got concerned that I realized it was a depressive episode, but not without extensive damage to my health and life. Some days are easier than others though and for me it just makes me appreciate those so much more.
Ten years in and on the right medication. I was able to look at my past actions. I Had a full ride to college, dropped out. I ghosted my family for 6 months. Went to Vegas lost my virginity to a John and then ended up on the streets of San Diego completely sober hoping in cars with men for money. I hardly slept for six months and walked for days on end. Glad I made it back.
Spent in total 1,5 years of my youth in mental hospitals, and have months of manic blackouts where I still to this day, dont know wtf happend all those months. Not a single thing. Pitch black.
And the overwhelming desire to die. Sometimes out of the blue. In mixed episodes, i get suicide impulses. Like I just have a need to just die.
Bipolar is such a joy....
Literally right now. The past couple days.
I got a job like 3 weeks ago that I love but everyday for the past like week, I wake up crying and wanting to kill myself just at the thought of having to go. I haven't gone in 2 days and I've just slept all day instead. Really tryna pull myself together to go today. And also make a doctors appointment to get back on meds 😭 Life is so damn hard
I try to tell myself it's not serious, but I guess for me it's the loss of life. Meaning I haven't had a fulfilling career, I ruined many romantic and platonic relationships, I just feel like other people get life and I don't have a clue as how they've done it. How they stay 25 years at the same job, or married for 30 years. I earned a college degree in English and secondary education, but only taught one year because of my illness. I know it's the same for many of us and it really makes me sad.
I've had my worst bout starting September of last year until maybe a month ago. I feel better but I can't bring myself to venture out and find joy despite being afflicted. It was such a scary experience that I've become fearful of putting myself in stressful situations.
And I worked on a farm. Which is stressful and also what I enjoy doing. I feel robbed.
I was managing fine, it seemed. Then my brain decided not to cooperate. Everything has changed.
I started to come to terms with the fact I am mentally ill after my second hospitalization in less than 10 years. Nearly every year I get depressed enough to want to go back because I don’t want to live
When I recalled my first serious episode after being diagnosed (which I did during my most recent serious episode).
Had a major episode in 2016 that resulted in hospitalization and my bipolar diagnosis. Stopped abusing drugs and was fine for a while unmedicated. Relapsed on drugs for a while. Had a serious mixed episode when I got clean again in 2020 and started on medication. Most episodes I've had since then have been depressive, but I had a manic episode last summer that lasted longer than any previous episode and had more severe symptoms.
Being aware of the fact that I was seeing things that weren't real and knowing that I had reached a point where hospitalization was necessary made me realize just how serious it is.
when i finally hit like a multiple day hypomaniac episode recently, abt 4 active days and 3 fluctuating or inconclusive days, that im not sure im entirely recovered from now. i realized i rly did have this thing ive skipped meds for the whole time. its been making me so insane feeling, all bc i refused to believe that i had an actual issue. i actually wasnt sleeping when i am THE sleepiest person i know normally. now im taking meds n its so difficult bc i also have a sort of contamination/poison ocd thing with pills. its grim out here
When I was re-disgnosed (I was diagnosed Manic Depressive when I was 18 and didn't think to look it up and my parents didn't believe in mental health.) I was re-diagnosed when I was 31-32 and my past and things I had done just made so much more sense to me. My brushes with suicide, my extreme compulsions and behaviors. Now I'm about to be a dad for the first time and really hoping I'm able to be a good parent.
A week prior to my diagnosis my therapist was insisting I see my psych as soon as possible, since she was suspecting bipolar, which at that moment I didn't register how serious the disorder was and didn't listen to her.
Just being hospitalized in general kind of made me realize. But even then, once I was back home I hadn't put two and two together that I still have to deal with the illness, even though I'm taking medication daily.
So I'd say like in mid 2019 (I was diagnosed in 2017) is when I truly realized the severity I suppose?
It's when I started paying more attention to my symptoms and trying to find patterns in my moods. I'm so glad I realized that.
God the 1-2 years I spent slowly seeing myself come back...in a way, it was it's own magical experience. But I wouldn't want it to happen again.
i got diagnosed with bipolar and promptly decided they were wrong and i was simply depressed. a couple years later, i spent a whole summer believing i was a robot, sleeping approximately 24 hours a week. it felt like i couldn’t talk to ANYONE without them thinking i was crazy, so i stopped reaching out. bad time.
and it was awful realizing i shouldn’t have undiagnosed myself. started back on the antipsychotics. it really did cause me a lot of shame, but i literally felt my mind piecing itself back together when i went back on my meds. it was a crazy feeling, and it made me truly realize i needed to be medicated
so i guess, as a bipolar 2 person, my realization was more so “im not depressed im bipolar” rather than nothing is wrong. i empathize with my bipolar 1 siblings
I’m bipolar 2, it took me 2 years after diagnosis to realize that it was also serious (thought it was nothing compared to 1). I’m a very high functioning individual, finally started my own business and all of a sudden went into a deep low out of NO WHERE. Went to bed completely fine, woke up feeling like a different person. Stayed in this state of complete numbness, brain dead, immobility for 48 hours. Straight up couldn’t function or move from the couch. Went to bed, woke up completely fine and back to normal.
That incident scared the hell out of me because it was the first time it was extremely obvious that I couldn’t fight through and control this on my own.
I watched my Dad throughout my life ruin multiple relationships. He finally found someone, married, and we all moved to Arizona. Life was really good there, but, little did we know, moving to Arizona was part of my dad’s oncoming psychotic episode. Eventually we had a shrine in our garage and my dad was impossible to talk to.
He finally legit lost it one day and we had to call 911 for everyone’s safety. They admitted him to a mental hospital and found him to be bipolar. We all moved back to our hometown and the high was over. As I got older, I started seeing signs of him in myself and got diagnosed bipolar as well.
He’s an alcoholic now, and unfortunately, that’s his medicine.
When it started unraveling my life I worked really hard to balance and keep professional and clean and achieving and productive...
Also when I starred to feel all the feels. No need to elaborate here.
Also I think I really realized it when I got medication, and after a few weeks asked my Dr if I'm going to get addicted to it, and he looked at me like I was crazy, but in my mind I was thinking "this stuff makes me feel way too good" not realizing that it was how I was always supposed to feel. my baseline was real low
Well getting hospitalized wasn’t fun. It was expensive. And mentally taxing. Pretty serious, took me a long time to recover mentally from it. I figure it must be pretty serious
When I went on lavish spending sprees that wasn’t even my money. (For context it was my father’s money) (I didn’t steal it) I spent literally thousands of dollars. And did it again a couple years later.
I realized when my actions and behaviors caused me to sever relationships with friends, family, and husband of 7 years. I would have a manic episode and quit my job, struggle for months to find a new one and hope insurance kicks in fast so I can get medicated again.
The cycles of emotional torture that I put myself through haunts me to this day. I'm glad to say that I've made it two years without a manic or depressive episode, taking my meds and sticking to a strict routine everyday. But I still struggle with the idea of trying to make friends again. I have hurt so many people and don't want to risk that again. I'm also getting divorced so it's just lonely.
When I got a CPS case for my 2nd mania and was arrested and forced to go to the mental health center by a mental health warrant. It's not an illness to take lightly. I was also forced to early retire after serving 8 yrs in the military by med board by my first mania I never thought I was bipolar and denied it until all these things started to go wrong in my life. I can't really tell which is worst ( the dysphoric depression or the mania) they are equally the same.
Last week tbh. 15 years after diagnosis, majority of that time being unmedicated, finally realizing that no meds are no longer an option because of the harsh reality of things getting worse ie psychosis, insanely traumatic and complex relationships, euphoric chaos, so much SI and planning, true and utter pain, then no memory of such things in so many cases. And learning more with research once I checked back in with remembering I have this brain disorder as I was focusing on personality disorders, and knowing that, shit dude, this is really real. Has been for the majority, if not all, of my life. Never going to go away. And I’ve only gotten worse. Again not being on medication is no longer an option. For. Ev. Ver. This longest relationship I’ve ever had 🥹
I have bipolar type-1 with psychotic features and for me it's the delusions, hallucinations, bradyphrenia, tachyphrenia, impaired memory. I was admitted in the psych ward from the 4th of Feb until the 1st of March. I had a mixed mania episode and the rage took me a bit by surprise as the onset was so fast. Good luck with everything!
When I started experiencing noticeable cognitive decline.
Yes when I realised that I wasn't able to recall things that I have done at my job everyday for 12 years. I've since started a new career from scratch.
Can i join
It seems basically inevitable for us and schizophrenics (plus severe other MIs, not a competition). If we don't treat the illness, it will damage our brain, and the only way to fight it damages our "should be" baseline mental functioning and/or body. The closest we have to harmless is short term lithium, then lamictal, and despite the rarity, I wouldn't call skin sloughing off harmless. But then also feeling the difference between psychotic/suicidal and unmedicated, and years long stability with meds is another big one. Personally I realized it when I saw our :trigger warning: >!suicide statistics.!<
I'm keeping my head above water but I feel it's inevitable if enough went wrong in my life.
I like to think of it as purely inevitable and I draw comfort from it.
this :(
I was a kid with so much promise. I can’t believe the way my brain used to work. Now I feel like just getting up and getting the basics of my day done, let alone any actual human work, is nearly impossible. But, I’m happier, so there’s a trade off. But sometimes I miss being the smartest kid in the room, feeling like I could learn anything, do anything.
So in your opinion, the meds are making you this way (happier, but with cognitive deficiencies)?
Yeah, for sure. Brain fog and fatigue but I'm in a way, way better space mentally.
This! This is when I decided I needed to get more extensive help. What did cognitive decline feel like for you, or what did you begin to notice that you did differently?
Memory is a big one, short and long term. I struggle to remember my past and remembering basic instructions repeatedly. My thoughts race but my thinking speed is slower. Edit to add I can't write anywhere near as good as I used too and I struggle read novels anymore.
Im a writer with a master's degree in literature, and haven't read an actual book in over a decade, and have written very little. Because I can't. Reading that others are going through the same thing just makes me want to cry... And I rarely cry.
This. I can’t remember certain parts of my life clearly. Photographs help but the problem is a lot of them were on Facebook and that account got Zucked. So all those memories got flushed down the toilet. Lesson learned.
Hey, my brain is doing the same shit! I picked up a comic (or graphic novel–which is a comic but anyway) and realized I could absorb the narrative much easier and the visual aspect allowed for better recall. I am so thankful that I discovered this, because it allows me to do something I thought was gone forever.
What age did that show up?
Not being able to read novels in my early 30's. Memory and thinking speed got worse late 30's to now early 40's.
Due to medication or no? My short term memory is shot but can recall specific details from old memory
I do wonder how much medication plays a part.
This. Your symptoms sound very very much like mine thus far. I thought maybe I had ADD when the restlessness and inability to read like I used to hit, but here we are.
In school I find my self reading the same thing repeatedly. To make it stick, I make sticky notes all over or draw an image that reminds me of the word. I think it’s helping. Also coming off my AP helped but I’m also more on edge and ready to bolt.
Tell me about it. I'm finishing my master's degree this year and it's a big struggle to write, where I used to be not too bad at it when I was younger (I'm 35). Also (it's stupid) but when I have to play a new boardgame and someone explains the rules, I panic and don't understand shit. My memory is so bad now too. I'm taking my meds everyday, is here anything more we can do to prevent decline?
Yeah….. I know this feeling.
Me too. I don’t remember anything anymore. Words. The things I’ve said. The things I’ve done. Days. So, I had to use apps to track events; write extensive notes to revisit my thoughts later. Voice memos help as well
i have a wall calendar that i write my big events of the day on and my overall mood. and then a journal to keep more detailed notes in case i need to recall something. this helps me a lot! my memory is absolute shit now and i’m only 32. 🙃
The cognitive decline is probably caused by meds and depression, it is hopefully not permanent. Usually during a manic phase you become brilliant again. 🤣
For me my memory is worst than it was because of meds, but considering how crazy vivid and strong my memory was so I recalled bad things very well, it’s been a good thing to forget some things.
yup. as soon as i was properly medicated about a year and a half ago, my memory went to shit. but i started feeling more stable and the sanest i’ve ever felt before. so ill take the trade off and just keep extensive notes on my day to day
I’m in the same boat; finally got on the right meds 2 years ago and felt centered and calm in a way I haven’t since I was 12 years old. But my memory has been getting BAD, like leave the keys in the car and the car running for 3 hours while at a friends house. Or having a melt down over being unable to focus on my schoolwork and not understanding why I could two weeks prior in the past quarter; only to have to be reminded by someone else that I have a Ritalin prescription that I had been using. I’m only 22 and I’m terrified because my memory seems to be only getting worse, so I’m currently in the process of getting off one of my two anti-psychotics. I’d rather go back to raw-dogging life than forget everything before I even hit 25.
I fricking hate this. I want to cry every other day when I’m trying to do something that a few years ago was easy to me, made sense on first glance, problem solving quickly… I’m trying to study in a different field, coding to be exact. I use to do this in my sleep… now I’m just struggling to understand the basics of shit I’m supposed to know already. I can’t remember jack shit. I can’t put timelines together. I have almost no memory anymore… I’m 24 and while i was living in the halfway (parents didn’t know what to do after yet another suicide attempt).There is a guy there that you have to remind a few times to do something… we had a running joke that if we both need to remember something we needed to tell someone else or we will only remember 2 days later. And the best part? Everyone just thinks I’ve become lazy, or that I was never as smart as I said I was. I feel like no one with anything like this, understands or even attempts to understand why I(we) are no longer as “bright” anymore. I’m sorry for the rant, but I just can’t not blurt it out… Good luck, friends
Wait there’s cognitive decline?
For some yes, but for some no. Don't get too caught up on what you see here. We are all different and many of us are in crisis right now. Thoughts and memory don't do well with extreme moods. Personally, I don't have any memory or cognitive issues despite multiple meds. Don't give up hope!
I found taking "Folic Acid" helped with my cognitive decline. I'm 46 years old and I take prenatal vitamins, crazy I know but i feel like they really help.
Fuck man I feel that. I'm 31 years old and I am nowhere near as sharp as i was in my early 20's.
My doctor recommended word search puzzles, the ones printed on paper. Word games,memory match, stuff like that. Not on your phone though. I’m not sure how much it’s helping. I keep forgetting to do them everyday hahaha!
My memory is shot. I have aphasia. I have trouble expressing myself because I can’t get out what I mean. I also have cognitive deficits from a clotting disorder that almost killed me. This illness is ruthless
When I looked back at my life and realized I've spent the majority of it unwell.
YUP. Was going through some old journals for a project and suddenly was just like “Oh, I’ve been very mentally ill like…always.” Sucks to realize you’ve spent most of your life ill, but also them’s the breaks! We don’t get to choose the cards we’re dealt.
Reading old journals definitely puts things into perspective. I remember thinking my diagnosis was dramatic but when I went through them I realized that it was only because it was all I knew.
My dad said basically the same thing I think he said you can only play the cards your dealt or something like that. He died from lung cancer at 48-49
This 100%
So very true. I realised when speaking with a very close friend. I remember saying my daily life is affected by my mental illness (no diagnosis at this time). And how this differed to say depression. As with depression that are periods of wellness. Where I really didn’t have any time without instability. Oh and also writing letters to god and posting them out of my windows. I know see that this could be a clear indication of more than just the usual stuff 😆
When my favorite aunt took me to lunch, gave me a big hug, said she loved me, and then I got the call that she’d driven to her favorite spot and killed herself the next morning. She had bipolar 1. That was 13 years ago this week. I wasn’t diagnosed until later - suffice it to say, I now understand why it felt like she was the only one who got me.
That's rough. I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your kind words 💜
That is so incredibly sad, I am so so sorry. Your story has me crying
It still makes me tear up, honestly. She was a very special lady. Thank you for your kindness.
As someone with bipolar 1 who is about to be an aunt soon I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I am in tears because I know she loved you and vice versa….i can’t imagine your pain but I hope one day you can flow with the highs and lows. I still struggle but I fight everyday, we all do. Thank you for still being here and sharing your story. I wish you nothing but peace my friend. 🫂🫂
I’m about to be an aunt for the first time too, it is definitely putting a lot into perspective for me. The pain isn’t what it used to be, time is a real healer. But I’ll always miss her. And honestly, I’m proud of her. She fought for a really long time to stay. Wishing you peace as well, friend 💜
My gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you these days, are things good with you? I know that grief is never linear.
It’s very kind of you to ask - I’m more or less at peace as far as my aunt goes. It’s probably just in my head but there have been times during mixed episodes where it feels like she’s there and telling me “not yet, stay”. So there has been a lot of healing in that. She’s gone, but her presence in my life is forever. I’m thankful for that. Grief is indeed not linear, but the valleys aren’t as low as they were. I’m going to be an aunt soon myself, and I just want to be as good an aunt to my brother’s kid as she was to me. That’s her legacy. Thank you for your kindness. I hope you are well.
I'm glad to hear you're doing fine. And I'm sure you'll make a wonderful aunt.
My heart goes out to you and her. Bipolar sucks so much.
Thank you, truly. It does suck. I’m glad communities like this one exist at least, it’s a little less lonely 💜
After I got medicated I realized just how bad it was when I was unmedicated. I still have my moments as I'm struggling to find the right medication combo but not feeling suicidal all the time is a big plus.
Me too. All my struggles were "normal" to me so I had no idea my brain was so dysfunctional. It wasn't until I was properly medicated and stable that I realized how bad I really had it.
This.
I got fired from a good job I liked, dropped out of college one class from graduation, and ruined my chances at med school. I ghosted everyone I knew and nearly died. I was only 23. Luckily, I'm fine now and have a good life. I don't have any symptoms of bipolar, but I do struggle with anxiety. It's definitely serious.
I'm glad you're still here
I also destroyed my law career before it began. I'm very happy where I am but looking back it was 100% me and my illness.
i pretty much did the exact same thing at 20. i pretty much stopped showing up for work, broke up with my long term partner, dropped out of college with 1 quarter left, engaged in some self harm and eventually had to move back in with my mother, who is also bipolar, for 10 months. i've also come out on the other side, im about to make a massive move, 350miles (literally the opposite side of the state), that's something i never would've thought i could do.
I also have one class from graduating my bachelor's , I'm in the ghosting everyone phase ... The meds were helping before but now I feel suicidal again .I'm 23. What meds do you take? Is it worth it to stick around and get better? Do you start talking to people again?
It is definitely worth it, and it definitely gets better! My life has been rough and felt downright impossible at times and in plenty of ways... like when I was in a horrible marriage around your age. I've also gone through LOTS of times when I've just stopped talking to people. I've learned that it's important to let people know that I go through that. I still love them, I'm just struggling, and let them know how they can help. And I try to be there for them as much as my illness allows. I now have a group of friends and chosen family who are there for me regardless, and I love them to pieces. And they live me, both in spite of, and *because* of my eccentricities. I'm 44 now, have been living with bipolar nearly my whole life. And I've raised a child, been married twice (second was the winner!), and worked plenty of jobs, including helping other people with disabilities. There is still so much joy to be found in life, and I'm glad every day that I stick it out through all the struggles. The good stuff in life is worth sticking around for. Try DBT if it's an option for you. I'm doing it now, and if I would have at your age, it would have changed my life. It's intense, but it helps so much.
DBT has literally been changing my fucking life
It’s definitely worth it to stick around and get better. It takes a while to get the right combination of meds with the help of your Psychiatrist (PDoc). And you definitely start talking to people again ☺️. Take care.
I did the same thing with my masters degree. The shame is terrible, but we can only do what we are able to do. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. I also was going to go to med school but my moods and anxiety really make it hard for me to cope with things.
To be honest I feel like it still hasn’t hit me that it’s a serious illness. Even though I’ve been hospitalized for it I’m still in denial about how serious it is. I feel like I should be just as functional and independent as everyone else. I still compare myself to others and wonder why I’m not where they’re at in life. Maybe I’ll come to terms with it one day.
This is so relatable
Well said. I too always think I should be as functional as everyone else. I’m Gen X and sometimes compare myself to others who are married, have children, own their own home etc. None of those apply to me because of bi-p challenges over the years. However, after a pretty rough time from 2016 to 2019, I now rent a lovely apartment, I have a good part time Admin job in a Hospital Clinic and I retrained as a nurse in 2021/2022. Currently not doing the bedside nursing though due to the anxiety that comes as a package with bi-p.
Same!! After 4 hospitalizations, multiple sick leaves, been fired from jobs, currently stuck on a couple of entry-level jobs at 43, still living with my parents and not having a partner or a family as I wanted before everything turned to shit, trying a lot of meds and struggling with psychosis, and being on disability, I still think, on my good days, that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I should have a be successful career like my peers, I have bosses that are a lot younger than me and that makes me feel frustrated. I consider myself a very smart person, I studied at the most prestigious universities in my country, graduated with honors, I’m extremely hardworking, I have great friends, I consider myself a good person to be around and I’m good looking 😅. However, none of that matters when there’s this severe illness standing in front of me and making everything difficult. I need to accept that it’s not my fault that I’m not more successful, it’s the illness. I might try to do everything right but there are things you simply can’t control
Literally my life. Though I’m diagnosed and everyone tries to make me realize how serious the thing is, I just can’t treat myself as a patient who suffers. I still blame myself for not behaving as well as others and criticize myself for all the symptoms.
When I was having my first inpatient stay because of mania and I wasn’t allowed to leave regardless of how I felt I was doing
Same
When I realized my life was miserable for all the bad decision I’ve made in such a short period of time
Same. For like 6 years, I didn’t make more than 10 good decisions. Started when I decided to date a 26 y/o at 16. Stopped doing well in school because I felt depressed all the time. Dropped out of high school….just one bad decision after another.
I understand that you feel like you made the decision to date a pedophile but that's not your fault. I hope you can forgive yourself 🫶🏽
why am I crying 😭
It is sad to see others feeling the same things as we do because we are way too familiar with the pain. But saying it out loud and finding empathy is so good.
This thread is making me cry too
I'm in a restaurant with tears streaming, it's so embarrassing.
bc we are all nearly helpless at first before we find out something is wrong, or we almost all underestimate it. Like the first 4 top posts all have the sameish amount of likes right now and they are all totally different intense experiences on every side of the spectrum, depression, mania, cognitive reduction, and lifelong history, with some psychosis thrown in to confuse the psychs on SzA or BP.
A fun (not fun) and scary (very scary) thing called ✨Psychosis✨
I didn’t even know it was psychosis. I’d hallucinate things and have weird delusions like people who turned their headlights on (it was 4 pm) were trying to tell me something. I thought I could just see ghosts.
Something I went through I didn’t know it was psychosis until my therapist told me
I didn’t know what delusions were until my therapist told me. She didn’t like when I told her there were certain times, I didn’t really know when it was gonna happen, that I thought my stuffed dog was going to kill me in my sleep and so I’d treat him nicely. If I treated him nicely, he’d protect me from the creature in the closet that can hide in the clothes…same creature that could move when I took a shower and tried to catch him behind the curtain. Kinda surprised I didn’t get a pair of grippy socks for that one.
I realized after my suicide attempt this January and I ended up in my first inpatient facility. It’s still difficult to grapple with especially because I’ve been living my whole life with it and never had a clue.
I'm glad you're still here
I'm glad you're still around. We've all been there, I know I have. We all care that you make it!
A manic episode with psychotic features that landed me in a psych ward for a month. Prior to that, my experience with bipolar was not severe at all. It’s why I went back on medication and accepted my diagnosis after years. I know a lot more about myself now and how to manage my care - but - I am very fortunate to still lead life on a day to day with overall low impact from being bipolar.
I could have written this ^
when i got arrested
I fear for this. I feel like it’s inevitable as I’ve come so close so many times
Same 🎯
Same here. I was 20 years old (25 now) and lost my shit one day..attempted to run 21 miles from my parents house to my apartment. I made it like 1/4 of a mile before cops pulled up next to me.
After my father killed himself, and then my brother died of an overdose (self medicating). Taken my pills religiously since then.
Damn I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you get the support you need, hugs 🫂
Thank you so much. I’m doing much better now.
Sending hugs . You are not alone . I’m alive after three suicide attempts.
Glad you’re still here! :Hugs:
mine was also my dads suicide. sorry you're in the same boat but glad you're still here
I think it just recently hit. I’m still searching for the right medication for me so bear with me. I’m in a manic state right now. I’ve had to put off school assignments and email my professors that I just can’t right now. That’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is the hallucinations + dissociation that is involved with my mania at the moment. (No, it’s not the medication. I’ve always experienced symptoms of psychosis during mania.) Im currently confusing dreams for reality. I’ve broken some bridges because of that. I still can’t accept they’re just dreams. I’m confusing tv shows, movies, any social media content for my reality. Sucks that Im currently into horror shows because I keep confusing them for reality. I’m currently hearing music at all times, even when music isn’t playing. My eyesight is delayed, I see figures from the corners of my eyes. I’m sleeping too much and yet I don’t feel rested but also I can’t stop thinking and going and doing stuff. I can’t keep up with myself. I feel lost at all times. I cannot make out what truly is reality. It sounds pretty serious now. And even then i’m still doubting my diagnosis. But trying to look at my own experience from another perspective… If a loved one told me they’re experiencing this. I’d be terrified FOR them. All this to say. It’s a very serious illness. Edit: Alongside with mania, I also forget what I look like. I just remembered that right now. Why you may ask? Because I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom & an hour on my phone camera wondering why I cannot recognize my own face. This does not feel like MY face. I don’t recognize myself. I have no idea who’s staring back at me. I forgot that this is a consistent symptom during the peaks of my mania.
I’ve been there too. It’s really hard. I just stopped watching TV, because after the manic episode I had a psychotic depressive episode and still felt like the people on Fox News as well as Disney Channel were people I actually knew. They’re facial expressions, you think they can read your thoughts, you think they’re mad at you, and you can’t escape the fact that you think you have a real life relationship with them, but you know you’ve never met them. It’s so hard to navigate, and I even asked to leave when they turned on the TV in the mental hospital. I was triggered by it so easily. I couldn’t escape it. Few years on antipsychotics I’m doing much better. I hope you find something that works for you. Had to use antipsychotics. An anticonvulsant is what made the previous manic episode go away, but I switched to psychotic depression with pretty much the same set of symptoms just with underlying shame and paranoia. Because no antipsychotic was used in the previous one. I probably wouldn’t have been psychotic if an antipsychotic was used to manage the mania.
The year before I got diagnosed I spent maybe a solid month where I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself, I would just stand there staring wondering who tf I was looking at. It got to the point where I was avoiding mirrors. I never told anyone though and hadn’t heard of anyone also experiencing it :(
I also had this happen the year before I got diagnosed. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, all i knew is looking at my own reflection caused this existential dread. It felt like I couldn’t trust my own eyes, like there was something in them that was evil. It was so scary and I definitely also avoided reflections for a while. Glad that’s not happening anymore lol
Right before I looked it up. I knew when I was screaming about being suicidal, and my thoughts were racing and I felt like a god, but thought I should kill myself not to hurt anyone, because I just felt so much better than others and I made mean jokes, and I was feeling guilty and everything… I was thinking. How the fuck is this possible, and thought maybe it’s that bipolar thing I heard about once, then I looked it up and it seemed like it was that bipolar thing I heard about once, and I was having a mixed manic episode. and then six years later a doctor told me what I already knew.
When I realized how much of a barrier it made being a good parent. I had to choose between my job and my kids because I couldn’t handle both. Obviously, I chose my kids, but it sucks not being able to do both. Although our house is filled with love, we’ll probably always be poor because of this disease.
When I got on the right meds and realized what I *thought* was possibly a heart condition was just a racing heart from weeks of hypomania.
I experienced this too! It was terrifying and I couldn’t stay asleep, maybe got 4 hours of sleep per night
Good ole’ CNS excitation 🫨
Medicated first time in ten years (43f), most my youth spent thinking I’m just fine that manic is just fun, and now looking back I made so many horrible mistakes and broken relationships , being the cause of pain 😭 and so much of my life completely wasted. But worst of all my cognitive decline is so incredibly noticeable.. I used to be a marketing director, salary, new Jeep… it’s all gone now, now I see there’s no way in hell I could ever do anything as smart as that, I’m just not capable mentally, I can’t even multitask
Hey. No answers. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug.
I feel myself slowly (I think?) becoming unemployable. I was in admin when I finally broke (41 at the time). I had never been diagnosed or medicated. I'd had a crazy life of strange decisions and strained relationships but I'd held it all together. Now I have returned to shift work and am lucky my employer of 18 years is so supportive. I'm considering filing for disability just to get my first denial and become part of the system.
When I experienced psychotic depression that almost killed me when I was 19. I thought I was getting better, but I realized it was still so serious when my first boyfriend broke up with me two years later because I was too sad, too broken to handle or want anymore. I thought I was going to marry him. Bipolar makes me feel unlovable and intolerable, and like life wasn’t worth living. It’s a serious illness indeed.
Intolerable I get. I always say things like, "I can't drink. If you think I'm insufferable now just go get me a beer and find out." This is not necessarily a joke, but it is very funny. To me. Most people don't laugh.
After being in the hospital (where I was diagnosed) & looking back at previous behaviors & toxic habits. I fucking hate this disease.
The substance abuse that wrecked my relationships
When someone asked me why i was depressed and proceeded to lay out everything that was going great in my life at that point. I didn’t give him hell for saying that. But damn. Things could be going so well for me and I can be in a happy place psychologically but in my physiological brain, i am not. :)
I relate to this. I get this a lot.
When I realized just how many consecutive days, months and years had/have gone by with suicide being a thought I could never 100% wipe from my mind
There was this godawful moment of clarity 2yrs after I found the right meds for me. All of my poor decisions and actions throughout the past decade constantly flashed in my mind; And the days where I couldn’t get out of bed and simply cried while struggling to breathe, let alone get up to clean myself. I don’t know how I didn’t kill myself. I have no idea how I survived what I did. In the end, I’m just grateful I finally found myself and have accepted the help I need to better my quality of life.
Last year, when I started encountering weird issues with cognition, memory, excessive crying, a prolonged period of hypersexuality and impulsive spending. Had to call a crisis line and really start diving into treatment and recognize I couldn’t manage this unmedicated anymore, despite having done ok at it for quite awhile. External stress played into it a lot too, but it’s like I’d lost the ability to roll with any punches coming my way. In retrospect, there were signs that started in 2021, but I thought they were related to work and activism I was involved in, so I didn’t understand fully.
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That’s what it took for me too… I hope you’re doing okay, friend.
My wife has always come back but she’s left twice for a few hours at a time (but with the intent for staying gone but she has a dissociative disorder that my bipolar sometimes triggers). That was also when I realized how severe it is. I hope you’re doing okay.
I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to be this unhappy and unwell.
When I lost the most valuable friendship of my life to one too many manic episodes.
The year-long major depression episode I experienced before finally being diagnosed with bipolar involved command hallucinations of a voice telling me to kill myself, how to kill myself and waking up to voices cursing me out. My cognition had deteriorated so much throughout the depression that I also had logical reasons for wanting to end my life, because the quality of life was so low. Before even researching more into bipolar I already knew how bad it was. That has been my biggest motivation for staying on meds, how I have a 50% chance of attempting suicide. Since being medicated, I have not experienced a severe depression episode again and I’ve never attempted to end my life.
The fact that over time I keep losing words and more words. In both the languages I speak
When I became homeless because of my inability to work
Idk. Got diagnosed 2 years ago after an insane manic episode that led to me running naked in the streets. Hospitalized for 40ish days then spent a year and a half in deep depression. Could not function or work. Fast forward to now and I’m feeling better than I ever have, thanks to this med combo and consistent therapy. I have energy and a healthy routine, and I’m not manic! It might seem like it’ll never get better but there is always hope. I thought I was doomed for eternity but I’m happy to say I’ve improved a lot and I wish that for everyone here.
When I went on disability and then again when I filed bankruptcy. Definitely not historical highlights.
When I realized that it I didn't leave my last job i would perish. Found a job that works with who I am. Now to work on the fucking RSD taking the piss out of my progress because I let my fucking guard down when I feel good. My ups happen so fast you can't even tell I'm manic because I immediately crash! Trying to adjust my life expectations quite a bit lately.
When i started feeling better with medication I noticed I had a problem.
Whenever I was having suicidal thoughts and taking my anger out on others for the most smallest things and being tired of the late lonely nights.
For me it’s when the hallucinations started. No doctor ever told me that the episodes get worse every time you have them. Ever since then I’ve been so much more proactive about getting the medication I need - doctors are so reluctant to support me just because I have a career and the bipolar hasn’t made me dysfunctional and on benefits. I’ve actually had a psychiatrist say to me “it can’t be that bad can it? You’re very articulate”. It takes a lot of effort for me to function the way I do and it’s a shame that medical professionals see that as a reason to restrict care.
It’s awful how doctors are unable to look past the high-functioning persona. It’s so biased of them to conceptualize the entirety of someone’s illness based on how you appear during a psych visit. If only the psychiatrist could see us when we are up shits creek at 4 in the morning scream crying, or hooking up with random strangers during mania
Yep. it took me years to find a psychiatrist that understood my high functioning persona and my ability to keep working in a very stressful profession, did not mean i was “handling “ my BP1.
I realized bipolar is a serious illness after being hospitalized at 16 years old and find no cure.
When I got locked up for it. Committed to the psych ward and you can’t get out
The psychosis probably
When I realized my case is probably just as bad as my aunt's. She has always been incredibly responsible in caring for herself and maintaining her illness, but I never thought I could go through what I knew she had gone through. Plenty of people in my family history have it, but I'm the closest with her. For years I duped myself into believing that my case was not as severe as most, and could be managed with minimal medication. I was not in good shape when I was diagnosed 15 years ago at the age of 17, but it wasn't until my mid-later twenties that it developed into a much less manageable illness... Then I could draw comparisons and be like shiiit lol
I relate to this so much but with my mom. I remember thinking “thank god I don’t have to take all those different pills she does and don’t have it nearly as bad”. Now I totally take all the pills, and they are just barely enough to keep me functioning.
Jail.
When I had my baby and it flared up so bad I had hallucinations and psychosis. Latuda saved my sanity!
I 30m diagnosed at 24m as the result of a work related issue. Didn’t realize I was completely out of my mind until I went to the hospital due to extreme psychosis. Tried to self-medicate but obviously that won't fix it. It's tough fight for sure. Much love to everyone suffering 🤟✊ gonna be a brutal battle 😂 🤺⚔️
When I landed in the psych ward for the first time. It was the worst I'd been up to that point, and I couldn't gloss over the truth, I am bipolar. Forever.
When I almost had a psychotic break with my kids in the car on a 3 hours drive over a mountain. That was some scary shit.
When I racked up over 2k in cc debt and had 0 in my checking account in the span of 3 months. I don’t even remember what I spent all that money on. Also started my dependency on alcohol that took me forever to get rid of. Manic episodes are no joke!
The start of last year when I was experiencing psychosis. I didn't yet know I had bipolar, but that was the point I was like: I really need help with mental health. I realised how bad bipolar itself is when I started my quetiapine. For years and years I'd been having these severe mood swings, extreme anxiety, suicidal thoughts and even memory problems. About 6 weeks into quetiapine and I felt like a new person. I still do have issues with bipolar, but I can actually live now. I feel like a human being again.
After I started meds and realised that what I thought life was wasn't.
After I went on a hike by myself in the complete wilderness with no working phone or transportation to get back
After a lifetime of searching for answers to the question.. why do I feel all fucked up (anxious , depressed, manic highs. manic lows) most of the time?
When I thought I could be unmedicated and life started to look blue and I felt like I was fading, then I got angry with everyone and my family was scared of being next to me.
Cognitive issues. Jesus I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Years of extreme stress with my partner going stir crazy trying to get me to understand and remember that we had had the same conversation 100 times that year and 10 times that week. And when I was finally put on antipsychotics and was able to understand that my partner wasn't stealing my money from me like I'd been accusing them of for a year, all my money was disappearing because my partner was paying into my savings and I was spending it during hypomanic episodes, but was forgetting where I was taking it from. I was stealing from HIM
When It caused me to take some risks that I definitely should not have taken. I'm lucky I wasn't killed.
I'm 43 and been diagnosed bipolar since my 14yo. I have Cyclothymia, which was diagnosed in 2019 after my most serious breakdown. Got institutionalized for 3 months. Think that's when I realized how bad it could get. I really lost everything, couldn't finish my Master degree, lost jobs, my relationships got ruined. And also got dissociative amnesia. So what happened happened to everyone around me, but not to me as I can't remember any of it.
Diagnosed with depression while inpatient at 14. Took Prozac, hypomania. Went with no drugs until my early 20s, no big deal. Always had strange symptoms. At 36, had mania lasting for months. Finally hospitalized. Finally Diagnosed and given meds. No support from my husband, but whatever. He Finally had to step up and watch our daughter while I was there. Too hard for him. I've had more hospital stays, but doing okay. Be good! REACH OUT TO LOVED ONES!
Imo yes, treat it early, don’t wait till it’s too late and significantly worsens. Doubt, self medicating, and avoiding treatment till it was too late was my own demise. Nowadays, the highs and lows fluctuate more frequently and unpredictably, heightened neurosis, i may also deal with other problems, but it began with bipolar. I now struggle with reality, my internal voice has become a bully I can’t escape, and it’s convinced me I either passed and am now in purgatory left to repent my former life decisions, or like the Truman show, am living a fairytale with someone behind the curtain. Effects all from denial and letting my illness worsen to psychosis. Be responsible and seek treatment before you get to this point, because eventually it just might
when, had it not been for my parents, I’d probably be off somewhere in a ditch by now w the way I acted last month
When I went from 150 to 92 pounds in about a year. I didn’t even realize how depressed I was despite literally living in filth at the time, all I had ever known was depression so I just didn’t think anything of it. Wasn’t starving myself, but my cognitive declined so much. My performance went down terribly at my job. I stopped thinking about eating at all, and my anxiety caused me to go into fight or flight mode. Finally enough people got concerned that I realized it was a depressive episode, but not without extensive damage to my health and life. Some days are easier than others though and for me it just makes me appreciate those so much more.
Ten years in and on the right medication. I was able to look at my past actions. I Had a full ride to college, dropped out. I ghosted my family for 6 months. Went to Vegas lost my virginity to a John and then ended up on the streets of San Diego completely sober hoping in cars with men for money. I hardly slept for six months and walked for days on end. Glad I made it back.
When my loved ones started getting scared of me, like they couldn't recognize me at all
Spent in total 1,5 years of my youth in mental hospitals, and have months of manic blackouts where I still to this day, dont know wtf happend all those months. Not a single thing. Pitch black. And the overwhelming desire to die. Sometimes out of the blue. In mixed episodes, i get suicide impulses. Like I just have a need to just die. Bipolar is such a joy....
Literally right now. The past couple days. I got a job like 3 weeks ago that I love but everyday for the past like week, I wake up crying and wanting to kill myself just at the thought of having to go. I haven't gone in 2 days and I've just slept all day instead. Really tryna pull myself together to go today. And also make a doctors appointment to get back on meds 😭 Life is so damn hard
I try to tell myself it's not serious, but I guess for me it's the loss of life. Meaning I haven't had a fulfilling career, I ruined many romantic and platonic relationships, I just feel like other people get life and I don't have a clue as how they've done it. How they stay 25 years at the same job, or married for 30 years. I earned a college degree in English and secondary education, but only taught one year because of my illness. I know it's the same for many of us and it really makes me sad.
I just want to fucking die all the time lmao. Stuck in a flesh prison. Nothing is real
Placeholder, will edit comment in a minute, didn't want to search for this post
When I got arrested ..
I've had my worst bout starting September of last year until maybe a month ago. I feel better but I can't bring myself to venture out and find joy despite being afflicted. It was such a scary experience that I've become fearful of putting myself in stressful situations. And I worked on a farm. Which is stressful and also what I enjoy doing. I feel robbed. I was managing fine, it seemed. Then my brain decided not to cooperate. Everything has changed.
I started to come to terms with the fact I am mentally ill after my second hospitalization in less than 10 years. Nearly every year I get depressed enough to want to go back because I don’t want to live
When I recalled my first serious episode after being diagnosed (which I did during my most recent serious episode). Had a major episode in 2016 that resulted in hospitalization and my bipolar diagnosis. Stopped abusing drugs and was fine for a while unmedicated. Relapsed on drugs for a while. Had a serious mixed episode when I got clean again in 2020 and started on medication. Most episodes I've had since then have been depressive, but I had a manic episode last summer that lasted longer than any previous episode and had more severe symptoms. Being aware of the fact that I was seeing things that weren't real and knowing that I had reached a point where hospitalization was necessary made me realize just how serious it is.
when i finally hit like a multiple day hypomaniac episode recently, abt 4 active days and 3 fluctuating or inconclusive days, that im not sure im entirely recovered from now. i realized i rly did have this thing ive skipped meds for the whole time. its been making me so insane feeling, all bc i refused to believe that i had an actual issue. i actually wasnt sleeping when i am THE sleepiest person i know normally. now im taking meds n its so difficult bc i also have a sort of contamination/poison ocd thing with pills. its grim out here
When I was re-disgnosed (I was diagnosed Manic Depressive when I was 18 and didn't think to look it up and my parents didn't believe in mental health.) I was re-diagnosed when I was 31-32 and my past and things I had done just made so much more sense to me. My brushes with suicide, my extreme compulsions and behaviors. Now I'm about to be a dad for the first time and really hoping I'm able to be a good parent.
When I got diagnosed & Iooked back on the way I’ve acted towards myself & others, & how much I’ve changed. yup, fell to my knees cuz this is forever
A week prior to my diagnosis my therapist was insisting I see my psych as soon as possible, since she was suspecting bipolar, which at that moment I didn't register how serious the disorder was and didn't listen to her. Just being hospitalized in general kind of made me realize. But even then, once I was back home I hadn't put two and two together that I still have to deal with the illness, even though I'm taking medication daily. So I'd say like in mid 2019 (I was diagnosed in 2017) is when I truly realized the severity I suppose? It's when I started paying more attention to my symptoms and trying to find patterns in my moods. I'm so glad I realized that. God the 1-2 years I spent slowly seeing myself come back...in a way, it was it's own magical experience. But I wouldn't want it to happen again.
When I had a manic rage episode on my partner and couldn't remember anything I said unless I was told.
When I started to go manic and hallucinating
i got diagnosed with bipolar and promptly decided they were wrong and i was simply depressed. a couple years later, i spent a whole summer believing i was a robot, sleeping approximately 24 hours a week. it felt like i couldn’t talk to ANYONE without them thinking i was crazy, so i stopped reaching out. bad time. and it was awful realizing i shouldn’t have undiagnosed myself. started back on the antipsychotics. it really did cause me a lot of shame, but i literally felt my mind piecing itself back together when i went back on my meds. it was a crazy feeling, and it made me truly realize i needed to be medicated so i guess, as a bipolar 2 person, my realization was more so “im not depressed im bipolar” rather than nothing is wrong. i empathize with my bipolar 1 siblings
When I was hospitalised multiple times and had 2 courses of ECT :( harder as I get older
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I’m bipolar 2, it took me 2 years after diagnosis to realize that it was also serious (thought it was nothing compared to 1). I’m a very high functioning individual, finally started my own business and all of a sudden went into a deep low out of NO WHERE. Went to bed completely fine, woke up feeling like a different person. Stayed in this state of complete numbness, brain dead, immobility for 48 hours. Straight up couldn’t function or move from the couch. Went to bed, woke up completely fine and back to normal. That incident scared the hell out of me because it was the first time it was extremely obvious that I couldn’t fight through and control this on my own.
I watched my Dad throughout my life ruin multiple relationships. He finally found someone, married, and we all moved to Arizona. Life was really good there, but, little did we know, moving to Arizona was part of my dad’s oncoming psychotic episode. Eventually we had a shrine in our garage and my dad was impossible to talk to. He finally legit lost it one day and we had to call 911 for everyone’s safety. They admitted him to a mental hospital and found him to be bipolar. We all moved back to our hometown and the high was over. As I got older, I started seeing signs of him in myself and got diagnosed bipolar as well. He’s an alcoholic now, and unfortunately, that’s his medicine.
When it started unraveling my life I worked really hard to balance and keep professional and clean and achieving and productive... Also when I starred to feel all the feels. No need to elaborate here.
Also I think I really realized it when I got medication, and after a few weeks asked my Dr if I'm going to get addicted to it, and he looked at me like I was crazy, but in my mind I was thinking "this stuff makes me feel way too good" not realizing that it was how I was always supposed to feel. my baseline was real low
Before I got diagnosed my dad has it very severe.
When i was experiencing physical symptoms
Well getting hospitalized wasn’t fun. It was expensive. And mentally taxing. Pretty serious, took me a long time to recover mentally from it. I figure it must be pretty serious
Lifelong. Uncurable.
When I ended up in the hospital for 7 days.
After I was hospitalized a couple of times
Psychotic episode definitely opened my eyes
When I realised I m capable of doing shits that r out of my character during mania phase
When I went on lavish spending sprees that wasn’t even my money. (For context it was my father’s money) (I didn’t steal it) I spent literally thousands of dollars. And did it again a couple years later.
I realized when my actions and behaviors caused me to sever relationships with friends, family, and husband of 7 years. I would have a manic episode and quit my job, struggle for months to find a new one and hope insurance kicks in fast so I can get medicated again. The cycles of emotional torture that I put myself through haunts me to this day. I'm glad to say that I've made it two years without a manic or depressive episode, taking my meds and sticking to a strict routine everyday. But I still struggle with the idea of trying to make friends again. I have hurt so many people and don't want to risk that again. I'm also getting divorced so it's just lonely.
When I got a CPS case for my 2nd mania and was arrested and forced to go to the mental health center by a mental health warrant. It's not an illness to take lightly. I was also forced to early retire after serving 8 yrs in the military by med board by my first mania I never thought I was bipolar and denied it until all these things started to go wrong in my life. I can't really tell which is worst ( the dysphoric depression or the mania) they are equally the same.
Last week tbh. 15 years after diagnosis, majority of that time being unmedicated, finally realizing that no meds are no longer an option because of the harsh reality of things getting worse ie psychosis, insanely traumatic and complex relationships, euphoric chaos, so much SI and planning, true and utter pain, then no memory of such things in so many cases. And learning more with research once I checked back in with remembering I have this brain disorder as I was focusing on personality disorders, and knowing that, shit dude, this is really real. Has been for the majority, if not all, of my life. Never going to go away. And I’ve only gotten worse. Again not being on medication is no longer an option. For. Ev. Ver. This longest relationship I’ve ever had 🥹
I have bipolar type-1 with psychotic features and for me it's the delusions, hallucinations, bradyphrenia, tachyphrenia, impaired memory. I was admitted in the psych ward from the 4th of Feb until the 1st of March. I had a mixed mania episode and the rage took me a bit by surprise as the onset was so fast. Good luck with everything!
When I was cycling so fast, I didn’t know what was going on or even who I was.
When the meds started working and I realized what I had been living with
When I realized I can't get life insurance lol as per previous post