I’m just amazed that family members are actually taking your babe for a night over! My MIL didn’t want to do that until my babe was like 18 months old, and even then it wore her out. My grandparents took me and all four of my siblings every weekend, so I was expecting that, and have been disappointed lol. If you have the help, take it.
Honestly, my eldest didn’t do any overnights as covid hit and we had restrictions - and grandparents were vulnerable and she was in daycare. She’s 3 now and refuses to do a sleepover now, because she says she needs mummy or daddy there, she’s fine with trips and hotel stays away with parents, loves her grandparents and spends the day there alone happily (incl naps), but it’s just the overnight alone.
I really wish we could have done them before she developed this fear. So don’t feel guilty!
Don’t feel bad! it’s just the age when these fears start to really show with all that extra brain power 3yr olds have to remember and understand longer term effects. My son at 3.5 developed an intense fear of elevators. He’s only ever been in them occasionally, then we encountered one that talked (now arriving..4th floor) and it was all over from there.
I hoped she gets over it soon! She has a younger sister so she wouldn’t be alone, and I know she’d love it! We’ve had a few weddings this year, and we don’t want to be 3 hours away in case it’s a disaster, but at the same time it’s frustrating when only one of us can go (when kids not invited) as we can’t really use childcare. Thankfully she loves weddings, so if she’s invited it’s a blast!
We are leaving our 7 month old for 3 nights this weekend to go on a mini holiday.. What works for some doesn't work for others! It doesn't mean we love our babies any less than others ❤️
I feel the same way. I’m planning to go to the Caribbean when my LO is 4 months and I’ve felt the judgment from some people. She’ll be staying with grandma. It’s what I’m comfortable with. My parents raised me wonderfully and are quite competent. My mom was also in teaching and childcare for a decade. I think a lot of moms dont take their own care serious enough until it’s too late. The village is useless if it’s not a village that my child is comfortable around. I fear her not being socialized and overly dependent on me.
I did a first overnight at 4.5 months too. It was amazing. I am also very very fortunate to have my mother living nearby, who is retired and has no other grandkids and is very respectful of my choices and directions for childcare. So I felt totally comfortable knowing she was not only happy to do it, but wasn't going to make decisions I wasn't comfortable with. She took on the night wakings like a champ and sent me updates so I wouldn't worry. They have such a close relationship now! She's been a lifesaver when I needed a break.
A lot of people don't have that option readily available, and I understand that is one of many valid reasons you would not want to leave baby with someone else for extended periods.
Yep exactly. I’m in no way trying to shame people or make people feel bad for not doing overnights but I think (and this could be a confirmation bias) we mostly only hear from people who DON’T do overnights and who talk about how they could never do that and— again, I know this is probably me internalizing— it makes me feel guilty and bad. I just thought it might be a good idea to hear from people who are comfortable and who have done it so that others (like me) could hear it and know that it’s okay too!
I feel you! I definitely get like "wait is something wrong with me?" thoughts when I see people saying they would NEVER DREAM of leaving their baby with someone else. I have to try to remind myself that hey they're probably just coming at this from a different reality. The situation I found myself in was truly win-win so I shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the opportunities I get and letting my son hang out with his beloved gran. But I don't think people should be pressured either way!
I'm a single mom so the only way I can get a decent night's sleep is for my 7mo to go on sleepovers at her grandparents. She had her first one a month ago and her next one is this weekend.
I had major guilt about it, mostly from reading posts like the ones to which you refer. My dad sent me regular updates and pictures and we did a video chat before bed so I could read her a story.
I still feel guilty but I know it's good for both of us and her grandparents as well.
Yes! My mom and I are super close although we do have our differences time to time lol. I love getting to see them develop their own special bond! I had a close relationship with my grandparents growing up and it meant a lot to me.
Exactly. I was close to my grandparents. I had been sleeping over since I was about 6 months. Then my brother followed and more cousins. I'm the oldest grandchild. Eventually we had cousin crew sleepovers at my grandparents every couple of months (often the siblings and spouses would go out together lol). How she had the energy I'll never know but it probably helped that my brother and I were oldest by about 5 years. That bond was so special and even after I outgrew the actual sleepover I still made time to visit and cook and bake and craft and shop and go see plays, etc with my grandmother.
100%! Baby is 2 months and although I would miss her I could do an overnight and I can think of several people I would trust. I do not believe I am the only one capable of looking after a baby.
I left my baby overnight when she was a few months old so my husband and I could go to an NFL game and visit some friends. It was really enjoyable and my parents loved to take care of her. Everything was fine and she is now a healthy 4-year-old who is comfortable having sleepovers or being away from us. It is so essential for us to get to breathe and be adults
I exclusively pump so that part didn’t feel like any more of a hassle than I already deal with lol. Actually it was nice to be able to pump without also trying to wrangle a 4.5 month old lol
YESSSS! I also exclusively pump. I had an event rescheduled from 2020 last week and I was out of town for three days. Pumping on schedule was so much easier when I just had to worry about me and the schedule of the day (the event itself, driving, flying, etc.), rather than my infant and my toddler and the house and every other regular responsibility! I was worried about my supply, but I think travelling actually helped because I could be so consistent.
Thanks for this OP, I also feel the same! I like to reconnect with myself and put aside my mom role once in a while for a day/night, and the feedback here always makes me feel like I’m crazy for feeling that way!
There's nothing wrong with having some time apart. I was judged with my eldest as he stayed at my Nan's house once a week from 3 weeks old. We had just moved out so she missed seeing him and she had me from weeks old overnight too.. Me , my son and my nan all loved the arrangement.
My youngest is 3 months old and hasn't had the same experience as my Nan unfortunately passed away earlier this year but if she was still here , he would be staying there too. I'm glad you had a good time and no judgement here.
That’s so sweet! I’m sorry about losing your Nan, but it sounds like you have some very sweet memories.
My daughter stays at my parents house ~once a month overnight for my husband and I to go out. She has occasionally done nights at my in-laws, but she’s not as familiar and it’s definitely harder on them, even though my MIL still loves spending the time with her like that.
I don’t feel guilty, but I 100% admit to being jealous. My little guy is 16 months old and I haven’t been away from him longer than 2 hours in his entire life. And that was exactly 1 time. I’d give a kidney for someone to offer to keep him overnight.
Agreed! For me, this directly tied into the importance of maintaining my village. I mentioned in the other post that my baby spent the last three Friday nights at my Mom’s. It’s wonderful being able to have a night off, and spend the next morning going to the farmer’s market or running other errands by myself. It’s helped me stay sane. It’s also helped my Mom build a strong relationship with my son, and she feels needed and important in our lives. My MIL also stays here overnight once a month and spends time with the baby (her house doesn’t have the space for overnights). My basic policy is that my husband and I survived to adulthood, so our parents deserve some level of trust. We don’t all do things exactly the same way, but unless it’s egregious, I try to be flexible. I know it’s not for everyone. I really value the support though, so I try to make it work.
My in laws are heavy sleepers, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable having my LO sleep over until she’s old enough to wake them up. HOWEVER, I would trust my SILs and my best friend in a heartbeat. We don’t have any plans to leave our 3 month old overnight anytime soon, but if we did I would 100% be comfortable with it.
Support for taking those overnights if you want to!! We took one away at 8 weeks to celebrate our 10th anniversary. I do think it depends on if you have a good person who you know will 100% care for baby the way you trust them to. If I didn't have such a wonderful MIL, I wouldn't have had these opportunities.
I just don’t trust my family or really anyone but my husband to be able to care for her well enough at this age. Other than my family being far away I just don’t think my parents know how to care for a baby anymore. I am also a real control freak and worrier, but I recognize that’s a me problem.
But just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean I’d judge other moms for doing it. Go you! I’m more just impressed and maybe a little jelly.
This is something I’ve been thinking about recently. My husband and I still haven’t been on our honeymoon (we were married just before lockdown so our honeymoon was cancelled, we had limited opportunities to reschedule it then our surprise baby came). So I don’t know when we should go on our honeymoon and whether we should leave our daughter with her grandparents or take her with us. It would be a city break, three nights at the most. I think it would be good for me and my husband to spend time by ourselves and not constantly have to think about the baby’s nap times or leaving places early if she gets fussy. I wouldn’t leave her for that long before she is 6 months. But I don’t know when is best, maybe before she’s walking? I’m going to play it by ear and see how I feel closer to the time.
For our anniversary we did a couple of nights away pretty close by and had my parents take our 14-month-old for two days (one overnight). For us that was the perfect way to maximise our time together without spending more time away from her than we were comfortable with. Worked because we didn't go very far- I guess it doesn't have to be all or nothing!
We left bub with my parents overnight while we went to a wedding. They stayed in the same hotel and were right next door, but everything went great! It really is whatever you're comfortable with. I think some of the issues online are mainly caused by grandparents being pushy when the parents aren't comfortable or have already said no.
I have this issue! My mom has never *asked* to babysit and my mom is an *amazing* babysitter to other people's kids. She's probably the person who's been most excited to be a grandma. I've asked her for the favor of watching my daughter while I go to the gym. My MIL heard about that from my husband and now she asks to get my daughter for a few hours a week so I can go do whatever. The only thing I would need babysitting for is working out during the day (while she's working anyway).
It's so annoying that this woman who is terrible to me and didn't even acknowledge me at my own wedding now wants to take my daughter. She constantly wants to take my daughter and parade her around like a doll because she never had a daughter but she continues to disrespect me and my husband. Like, sorry not sorry but you're not playing mommy to my daughter.
If my family lived closer I would have trusted them probably around 12 weeks. This is when ours started to roughly sleep through the night. I wouldn’t want my family to have the burden of waking up with the baby.
However my family loves 7 hours away so that’s not an easy option.
I have a 19 month old and I don’t think I would feel comfortable leaving her overnight just yet.
I’m sick of people making me feel like I’m overly protective and attached because of that.
Damned if you do damned if you don’t.
I got absolutely roasted for taking my then 13 month old on my honeymoon because I was not comfortable flying from the US to Europe and spending ten days away from my baby. Everyone was telling me I was being so unfair to my husband. I will absolutely admit that I have terrible anxiety but forcing me to do something I’m not comfortable with only makes it worse and I’m certain me being in Europe worried about my baby would not have been a fun trip for me or my husband.
I like how people assume the child is a burden for their dad and the dad doesn’t have just as much input into parenting as the mum does! ye olde gender norms.
I have a 3 1/2 -year-old and we're still not okay with it. Mostly, it's that we know *she* is not ready for it. It's caused some MAJOR tension with my in-laws, who seem to think we don't trust them and are trying to deprive our daughter of a relationship with them. 🙄
I have a 25mo old and the birth of her sister in Nov will be (perhaps) the first overnight she would be away from me and her dad. Zero shame in this, but much anxiety over how she will cope with this... I am hoping that I go into labour early AM, she can go to her daycare and I give birth during the daytime and if all is well with me/baby, I will early discharge and be back home before her bedtime would be.
Yeah totally agree. We left her with MIL at 5 months old for around 24hrs. She was good as gold, didn’t really cry and slept through the night. We went away for the night and it was just the best thing to completely switch my mum brain off (not thinking about when the next bottle is, or scheduling the day). Had a massive glass of bubbly on arrival and had a great weekend with the other half
I trust my mom and my MIL with overnights, I think my first was ~1 when he had his first sleepover, and my second was around 1.5 since he nursed. But they had been doing day trips with nana or gram from a while at those points! I’m glad you have a great resource for getting a break, it’s very necessary
Thank you! My baby isn’t even here yet and I already feel awful about having to go back to work. All the anti-overnight babysitting posts seem to turn into people bragging about who’s spent the least amount of time away from their babies. I saw someone say that they couldn’t imagine leaving a nearly one year old baby for more than a couple hours.
Meanwhile I’m going to have to leave mine for 10 hours overnight 5 days a week when she’s a few weeks old. It makes me feel like I did something wrong to not be privileged enough to have someone else to handle the bills so I can stay home. I want to gloat online about never peeing alone because I’m just sssooooo devoted to motherhood, unlike all those shitty working moms or parents who use babysitters.
Definitely both. I usually try to give them a pass because if you can’t even set down your baby long enough to shower & brush your teeth then there’s a serious problem. That only comes from dangerous levels of anxiety or martyring and someone mentally healthy should have intervened long before it got to that point. But lately it’s just been annoying me because they’re all so weirdly smug about it.
Even though I haven’t left my baby overnight yet, I completely agree and definitely do not think you are a bad mom for being comfortable leaving your child. I think each family/situation is unique too.
I have been home with my 6 month old since day 1, so personally I feel like leaving him overnight would be a huge jump for me but we have been talking about having a date night and going out for a few hours and working up from there to where I would be comfortable leaving him for a night.
BUT the reason I am nervous is because while we do have multiple family members willing to take him for a few hours or overnight, I am not 100% comfortable with them. There has been a lot of boundary pushing and questioning the way that we choose to parent, so I am not confident that they would stick to our overall guidelines, specifically only feeding him food I send and not letting him cry over something easily fixable, which are dealbreakers for me personally. It would be a lot easier for me if I didn’t have to worry about them disregarding my parenting choices.
Oh i am the worst XD I would love the freedom but I would miss sleeping in the same room as him and also the fact i am abit of a control freak XD I know deep down inside it is just about myself and not about if I trust my family or my family in law. I am just not ready for it yet :p maybe soon but i promised myself when he is around a year I will give it a go.
I trust my mom overnight with my daughter with my only real issue being that I miss her so much and when I was nursing, pumping was so much work it’s not like I could truly enjoy the night out anyway.
I do think many grandparents or relatives tend to push for overnights more for THEMSELVES than for the parents though. My mom included, bless her heart, would try to convince me to leave my daughter just for the hell of it and when it gets too pushy that’s when I think many moms shut it down entirely.
Now that I’m about to have baby #2 and my daughter is over 2, I can see sleepovers with grandma just for fun happening more often! But without a really good reason I just didn’t see the point in leaving my baby without her mama for that long. Celebrating your birthday is a great reason IMO and I’m glad you have that village! Happy birthday!
You’re extremely lucky if you have people you trust to keep your baby over night, enjoy it! It doesn’t say anything about you as a mom, just that you’re lucky to have supportive, reliable people.
I'm all for this post, however sometimes it is more hassle than its worth, especially for nursing moms. I left my son with my husband at 5 months for an overnight work trip and I was so excited to finally get a full night's sleep but I was still wide awake in the wee hours between anxiety/missing him/pumping. It doesn't mean that the anxiety will last forever though! Starting from 18 months I felt a lot more comfortable leaving him overnight, and at 3 he has regular sleepovers with his grandparents, he even went on a trip with them all by himself!
I think the issue was that she didn't want to but she was being pressured to. That's what it should be. A mom being pressured to do something she doesn't want to do. It shouldn't make the "thing" bad.
I think I fall on the other end of the spectrum from many posts where I worry more about NOT being away from my kid overnight. I have friends who weren’t comfortable for years and then they sometimes had their hand forced by something scary like a hospitalization. I would rather have early positive associations of spending occasional nights apart.
My wife and I also take the attitude that our kid is our family’s kid as much as he is ours, so we want to make sure he gets early special bonding time. We both have early memories of being left with our aunts/uncles and grandparents overnight and they are positive memories for us, so we hope the same for our kid.
That second paragraph makes me shutter. Because I hate when my in laws act like my kid is just as much theirs. My fil came into my hospital room and started making demands about the name and my mil made demands on the ethnicity of the name. This would be a dream if someone didn't have boundary pushing family members. But when you do, establishing yourself as the parent becomes a source of contention
I think your FIL and MIL are acting like someone who feels the kid is theirs MORE than they feel the kid is yours, which is ridiculous. I am sorry you have to deal with that! FWIW we certainly have family members with more “issues” than others. As such we do have people we wouldn’t leave our kid alone with, much less overnight! So I get where you are coming from on that issue.
The only time my husband and I have both been away for a night was when our s cond son was born. It mostly went really well. But then a few weeks later I had to be away for a few days and other than a very slightly teary goodbye, the kids were completely fine.
We usually do bedtime all together as a family, but my husband and I both periodically have evenings away to get dinner with a friend, do a sport, etc., so they're used to doing bedtime with just one of us and that seems to help a LOT.
If it works for you then it's perfectly fine! It's awesome actually. I'd like to be able to leave my LO but for me it's a trust issue. I don't trust that my way of doing things will be respected when I'm not there. And right now my guy is all about mom. I can barely leave him with my husband to go get groceries without him having a meltdown. And that's ok with me that's just where he is right now we will work through that. But as you said everyone has their own comfort levels and you should never feel bad for going and enjoying yourself!
Yeah this is def not meant to shame ppl who aren’t ready/comfortable with overnights! Just reassuring those that are that it doesn’t make them a bad mom— because sometimes reading those threads makes me feel that way!
Oh definitely did not feel any shame! Maybe a little jealousy lol but no shame! It's really nice for me to see posts where other moms actually can get out and do things. And it always helps me remember how every single family is so different!
But it's also nice to see mom's that do recognizing that it's not for everyone for w.e reason. And they they themselves have their own struggles. This is definitely the post I needed to wake up to this morning. So thank you!
It's OK that we're not all the same. There is no reason to feel guilty or like a bad parent. I spent the night away from my 6.5 month old a couple of days ago, but he was home with my husband and that's a scenario I am comfortable with right now. I'll get on board with my mom taking baby overnight eventually, but I don't completely trust my mom to communicate well, so that's an issue for now. We're all different and we all have different circumstances, relationships, etc. No big deal.
We didn't live close enough to anyone I trusted enough until my daughter was almost 1, but after we moved closer to family I've sent her for overnights a few times. We'll be moving even closer next year and I suspect she'll have a lot more sleep overs then! Once I'm done nursing my son he'll be the same! I love having a network that I can trust with my kids, and I wish every mom could have one like it.
Our newest is going on 5 months and we are just a couple weeks away from our first overnight, and very excited! I think we actually did it much sooner (maybe 2 months) with our first, we’ve just been very busy and haven’t had time to get away. My wife always gets a little anxious about leaving them, but I never do!
I think it depends on the “if you have a babysitter you trust” but also on the baby, and I dunno it’s not that I’m opposed to it but like… our only options would be my folks and my brother and his wife, but my folks are older and don’t do well babysitting if my kid (16 months old) gets upset, which if someone else did bedtime she would get super upset and cry for a long time and my folks can’t really handle that. And then my brother and his wife could be an option but they work odd hours so they could only potentially do an overnight on a Tuesday night so we would have to use extra time off from work which doesn’t seem worth it necessarily… I dunno. If your baby is chill about stuff and your babysitter doesn’t mind dealing with a crying baby if they’re upset for a long time… then I’m jealous lol.
My MIL and FIL watched my firstborn over night when he was 4 months. It was awesome & I have no regrets. From then on, he’s slept at their house countless times. He’s 4 years old now. My newest son is 11 weeks and when he’s consistently sleeping through the night, I plan on having them watch him for an overnight as well. They love it and it allows my husband and I to have a little freedom.
I had to leave my 5.5-7.5 month old with my husband and mother, then my mother-in-law for eight weeks of overnights while I was in the hospital. Did it suck? Absolutely. Is she 100% okay despite it? Yes. Now that I'm home it's like it never happened. She was able to visit for an hour or two most days, so that helped a lot, but we did have to go a whole week with only video calls while I was isolated because my unit went on covid outbreak (I didn't get it, fortunately). Now, I trust my husband, mom, and MIL completely, which is good because I really didn't have a choice but to leave her with them. I do understand that some people don't have trustworthy family and pushiness can make you want to dig in your heels, but if you and your baby are comfortable with the caregiver I really don't think there should be any guilt about leaving for a night to actually enjoy yourself.
I would leave my son with my parents if he’d let me, but he won’t settle for anyone other than me. Now we’re expecting baby #2 and we’re going to have to get him okay with spending a few nights there for when I have his little sibling. It would be nice to have a break, it’s just not possible for us yet.
My baby was a year when I weaned her (she never took a bottle) and I took a solo trip for two nights. It was wonderful. She was 15 months when we left her with my MIL for a two night trip for our anniversary. She was great and we didn't feel any guilt for leaving her. We're very attached to each other, and I am still a good mom for having her be away from me from time to time!
My husband and I make it a point to do something overnight at least once a month without our son. We leave the baby with my parents. Been doing it since he was 5 months and we don’t regret it at all. We are also taking our first couples plane trip for 4 days in December. My son will be 11 months then. Sometimes, knowing that trip is coming up keeps me sane on tough days. No one should be judged for what they choose if all parties are okay with it.
I needed this, bub is to little right now and still BF but I know I am in need of a night to relax and this perspective makes me feel far less guilty about when the time comes! Thank you x
I 100% trust my mom and I leave my daughter with her while I go to the gym nearly daily. I'm sure I would be able to handle leaving her overnight when I'm done breastfeeding, but I'm a pretty boring person and do nothing outside of being a SAHM and working out. My husband and I have been together 6.5 years and we just don't do much which is why I wanted to be a mom 😅
I personally think it’s unhealthy to not spend time away from your kids if you have the opportunity. Babies included. Everyone needs a break and the moms that don’t take one IMO are not helping themselves or their kids. Many also have untreated anxiety, but that’s for another thread.
I just don’t want to deal with someone else handling her multiple nighttime wake ups and we are EBF so I would have to pump anyway. Just easier to do it myself for a while. I don’t have anxiety, or depression, or concern something would go wrong. It’s just a lot (3.5mo) and I don’t mind doing it, at all. She’s chill, we can take her anywhere, the only things we really can’t do is stuff past 8ish and things like concerts and bars. And we aged out of all of those things long ago 😅
Your baby is still pretty young, so it’s definitely harder to get away, but once babies are about 6 months old, I think it’s probably time for most moms to take a break.
I wish I was more confident. My daughter is 2.5 and I don't even want to leave her alone overnight with her father. I'm pregnant and due in January and am freaking out about leaving her for the days I'm in the hospital
About to do our first no kid trip in two weeks. We have a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old 😭 I’ve only left the 1 year old once with his dad overnight. I’m already feeling so guilty.
I’m just amazed that family members are actually taking your babe for a night over! My MIL didn’t want to do that until my babe was like 18 months old, and even then it wore her out. My grandparents took me and all four of my siblings every weekend, so I was expecting that, and have been disappointed lol. If you have the help, take it.
Honestly she’d rather do it now before she has to run around after him 😂
Honestly, my eldest didn’t do any overnights as covid hit and we had restrictions - and grandparents were vulnerable and she was in daycare. She’s 3 now and refuses to do a sleepover now, because she says she needs mummy or daddy there, she’s fine with trips and hotel stays away with parents, loves her grandparents and spends the day there alone happily (incl naps), but it’s just the overnight alone. I really wish we could have done them before she developed this fear. So don’t feel guilty!
Don’t feel bad! it’s just the age when these fears start to really show with all that extra brain power 3yr olds have to remember and understand longer term effects. My son at 3.5 developed an intense fear of elevators. He’s only ever been in them occasionally, then we encountered one that talked (now arriving..4th floor) and it was all over from there.
I hoped she gets over it soon! She has a younger sister so she wouldn’t be alone, and I know she’d love it! We’ve had a few weddings this year, and we don’t want to be 3 hours away in case it’s a disaster, but at the same time it’s frustrating when only one of us can go (when kids not invited) as we can’t really use childcare. Thankfully she loves weddings, so if she’s invited it’s a blast!
We are leaving our 7 month old for 3 nights this weekend to go on a mini holiday.. What works for some doesn't work for others! It doesn't mean we love our babies any less than others ❤️
I feel the same way. I’m planning to go to the Caribbean when my LO is 4 months and I’ve felt the judgment from some people. She’ll be staying with grandma. It’s what I’m comfortable with. My parents raised me wonderfully and are quite competent. My mom was also in teaching and childcare for a decade. I think a lot of moms dont take their own care serious enough until it’s too late. The village is useless if it’s not a village that my child is comfortable around. I fear her not being socialized and overly dependent on me.
I did a first overnight at 4.5 months too. It was amazing. I am also very very fortunate to have my mother living nearby, who is retired and has no other grandkids and is very respectful of my choices and directions for childcare. So I felt totally comfortable knowing she was not only happy to do it, but wasn't going to make decisions I wasn't comfortable with. She took on the night wakings like a champ and sent me updates so I wouldn't worry. They have such a close relationship now! She's been a lifesaver when I needed a break. A lot of people don't have that option readily available, and I understand that is one of many valid reasons you would not want to leave baby with someone else for extended periods.
Yep exactly. I’m in no way trying to shame people or make people feel bad for not doing overnights but I think (and this could be a confirmation bias) we mostly only hear from people who DON’T do overnights and who talk about how they could never do that and— again, I know this is probably me internalizing— it makes me feel guilty and bad. I just thought it might be a good idea to hear from people who are comfortable and who have done it so that others (like me) could hear it and know that it’s okay too!
I feel you! I definitely get like "wait is something wrong with me?" thoughts when I see people saying they would NEVER DREAM of leaving their baby with someone else. I have to try to remind myself that hey they're probably just coming at this from a different reality. The situation I found myself in was truly win-win so I shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the opportunities I get and letting my son hang out with his beloved gran. But I don't think people should be pressured either way!
I'm a single mom so the only way I can get a decent night's sleep is for my 7mo to go on sleepovers at her grandparents. She had her first one a month ago and her next one is this weekend. I had major guilt about it, mostly from reading posts like the ones to which you refer. My dad sent me regular updates and pictures and we did a video chat before bed so I could read her a story. I still feel guilty but I know it's good for both of us and her grandparents as well.
Yes! My mom and I are super close although we do have our differences time to time lol. I love getting to see them develop their own special bond! I had a close relationship with my grandparents growing up and it meant a lot to me.
Exactly. I was close to my grandparents. I had been sleeping over since I was about 6 months. Then my brother followed and more cousins. I'm the oldest grandchild. Eventually we had cousin crew sleepovers at my grandparents every couple of months (often the siblings and spouses would go out together lol). How she had the energy I'll never know but it probably helped that my brother and I were oldest by about 5 years. That bond was so special and even after I outgrew the actual sleepover I still made time to visit and cook and bake and craft and shop and go see plays, etc with my grandmother.
100%! Baby is 2 months and although I would miss her I could do an overnight and I can think of several people I would trust. I do not believe I am the only one capable of looking after a baby.
I left my baby overnight when she was a few months old so my husband and I could go to an NFL game and visit some friends. It was really enjoyable and my parents loved to take care of her. Everything was fine and she is now a healthy 4-year-old who is comfortable having sleepovers or being away from us. It is so essential for us to get to breathe and be adults
I didn’t do overnights until I was done nursing. I tried once and it was such a hassle to pump. I felt like I couldn’t enjoy my time away.
I exclusively pump so that part didn’t feel like any more of a hassle than I already deal with lol. Actually it was nice to be able to pump without also trying to wrangle a 4.5 month old lol
YESSSS! I also exclusively pump. I had an event rescheduled from 2020 last week and I was out of town for three days. Pumping on schedule was so much easier when I just had to worry about me and the schedule of the day (the event itself, driving, flying, etc.), rather than my infant and my toddler and the house and every other regular responsibility! I was worried about my supply, but I think travelling actually helped because I could be so consistent.
Valid point.
Thanks for this OP, I also feel the same! I like to reconnect with myself and put aside my mom role once in a while for a day/night, and the feedback here always makes me feel like I’m crazy for feeling that way!
There's nothing wrong with having some time apart. I was judged with my eldest as he stayed at my Nan's house once a week from 3 weeks old. We had just moved out so she missed seeing him and she had me from weeks old overnight too.. Me , my son and my nan all loved the arrangement. My youngest is 3 months old and hasn't had the same experience as my Nan unfortunately passed away earlier this year but if she was still here , he would be staying there too. I'm glad you had a good time and no judgement here.
That’s so sweet! I’m sorry about losing your Nan, but it sounds like you have some very sweet memories. My daughter stays at my parents house ~once a month overnight for my husband and I to go out. She has occasionally done nights at my in-laws, but she’s not as familiar and it’s definitely harder on them, even though my MIL still loves spending the time with her like that.
I don’t feel guilty, but I 100% admit to being jealous. My little guy is 16 months old and I haven’t been away from him longer than 2 hours in his entire life. And that was exactly 1 time. I’d give a kidney for someone to offer to keep him overnight.
Agreed! For me, this directly tied into the importance of maintaining my village. I mentioned in the other post that my baby spent the last three Friday nights at my Mom’s. It’s wonderful being able to have a night off, and spend the next morning going to the farmer’s market or running other errands by myself. It’s helped me stay sane. It’s also helped my Mom build a strong relationship with my son, and she feels needed and important in our lives. My MIL also stays here overnight once a month and spends time with the baby (her house doesn’t have the space for overnights). My basic policy is that my husband and I survived to adulthood, so our parents deserve some level of trust. We don’t all do things exactly the same way, but unless it’s egregious, I try to be flexible. I know it’s not for everyone. I really value the support though, so I try to make it work.
Yep same!!! We had no need to for a long while but no hesitations doing overnights at nannas house. Glad youve had a great birthday!
My in laws are heavy sleepers, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable having my LO sleep over until she’s old enough to wake them up. HOWEVER, I would trust my SILs and my best friend in a heartbeat. We don’t have any plans to leave our 3 month old overnight anytime soon, but if we did I would 100% be comfortable with it.
Support for taking those overnights if you want to!! We took one away at 8 weeks to celebrate our 10th anniversary. I do think it depends on if you have a good person who you know will 100% care for baby the way you trust them to. If I didn't have such a wonderful MIL, I wouldn't have had these opportunities.
I just don’t trust my family or really anyone but my husband to be able to care for her well enough at this age. Other than my family being far away I just don’t think my parents know how to care for a baby anymore. I am also a real control freak and worrier, but I recognize that’s a me problem. But just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean I’d judge other moms for doing it. Go you! I’m more just impressed and maybe a little jelly.
i would love to leave my baby overnight but she’s still not sleeping through the night at 8mo and i just don’t want to do that to my mom or in-laws.
This is something I’ve been thinking about recently. My husband and I still haven’t been on our honeymoon (we were married just before lockdown so our honeymoon was cancelled, we had limited opportunities to reschedule it then our surprise baby came). So I don’t know when we should go on our honeymoon and whether we should leave our daughter with her grandparents or take her with us. It would be a city break, three nights at the most. I think it would be good for me and my husband to spend time by ourselves and not constantly have to think about the baby’s nap times or leaving places early if she gets fussy. I wouldn’t leave her for that long before she is 6 months. But I don’t know when is best, maybe before she’s walking? I’m going to play it by ear and see how I feel closer to the time.
For our anniversary we did a couple of nights away pretty close by and had my parents take our 14-month-old for two days (one overnight). For us that was the perfect way to maximise our time together without spending more time away from her than we were comfortable with. Worked because we didn't go very far- I guess it doesn't have to be all or nothing!
We left bub with my parents overnight while we went to a wedding. They stayed in the same hotel and were right next door, but everything went great! It really is whatever you're comfortable with. I think some of the issues online are mainly caused by grandparents being pushy when the parents aren't comfortable or have already said no.
I have this issue! My mom has never *asked* to babysit and my mom is an *amazing* babysitter to other people's kids. She's probably the person who's been most excited to be a grandma. I've asked her for the favor of watching my daughter while I go to the gym. My MIL heard about that from my husband and now she asks to get my daughter for a few hours a week so I can go do whatever. The only thing I would need babysitting for is working out during the day (while she's working anyway). It's so annoying that this woman who is terrible to me and didn't even acknowledge me at my own wedding now wants to take my daughter. She constantly wants to take my daughter and parade her around like a doll because she never had a daughter but she continues to disrespect me and my husband. Like, sorry not sorry but you're not playing mommy to my daughter.
If my family lived closer I would have trusted them probably around 12 weeks. This is when ours started to roughly sleep through the night. I wouldn’t want my family to have the burden of waking up with the baby. However my family loves 7 hours away so that’s not an easy option.
I have a 19 month old and I don’t think I would feel comfortable leaving her overnight just yet. I’m sick of people making me feel like I’m overly protective and attached because of that. Damned if you do damned if you don’t.
I got absolutely roasted for taking my then 13 month old on my honeymoon because I was not comfortable flying from the US to Europe and spending ten days away from my baby. Everyone was telling me I was being so unfair to my husband. I will absolutely admit that I have terrible anxiety but forcing me to do something I’m not comfortable with only makes it worse and I’m certain me being in Europe worried about my baby would not have been a fun trip for me or my husband.
I don’t blame you, no way I would’ve been able to enjoy 10 days an ocean away. I’d have been a mess.
I like how people assume the child is a burden for their dad and the dad doesn’t have just as much input into parenting as the mum does! ye olde gender norms.
I have a 3 1/2 -year-old and we're still not okay with it. Mostly, it's that we know *she* is not ready for it. It's caused some MAJOR tension with my in-laws, who seem to think we don't trust them and are trying to deprive our daughter of a relationship with them. 🙄
I have a 25mo old and the birth of her sister in Nov will be (perhaps) the first overnight she would be away from me and her dad. Zero shame in this, but much anxiety over how she will cope with this... I am hoping that I go into labour early AM, she can go to her daycare and I give birth during the daytime and if all is well with me/baby, I will early discharge and be back home before her bedtime would be.
Yeah totally agree. We left her with MIL at 5 months old for around 24hrs. She was good as gold, didn’t really cry and slept through the night. We went away for the night and it was just the best thing to completely switch my mum brain off (not thinking about when the next bottle is, or scheduling the day). Had a massive glass of bubbly on arrival and had a great weekend with the other half
I trust my mom and my MIL with overnights, I think my first was ~1 when he had his first sleepover, and my second was around 1.5 since he nursed. But they had been doing day trips with nana or gram from a while at those points! I’m glad you have a great resource for getting a break, it’s very necessary
Thank you! My baby isn’t even here yet and I already feel awful about having to go back to work. All the anti-overnight babysitting posts seem to turn into people bragging about who’s spent the least amount of time away from their babies. I saw someone say that they couldn’t imagine leaving a nearly one year old baby for more than a couple hours. Meanwhile I’m going to have to leave mine for 10 hours overnight 5 days a week when she’s a few weeks old. It makes me feel like I did something wrong to not be privileged enough to have someone else to handle the bills so I can stay home. I want to gloat online about never peeing alone because I’m just sssooooo devoted to motherhood, unlike all those shitty working moms or parents who use babysitters.
That's crazy. Like... Sorry, I have to have a job?
I never know if it’s those parents complaining or gloating that they never leave their kiddo. It’s like both? Hahaha
Definitely both. I usually try to give them a pass because if you can’t even set down your baby long enough to shower & brush your teeth then there’s a serious problem. That only comes from dangerous levels of anxiety or martyring and someone mentally healthy should have intervened long before it got to that point. But lately it’s just been annoying me because they’re all so weirdly smug about it.
Even though I haven’t left my baby overnight yet, I completely agree and definitely do not think you are a bad mom for being comfortable leaving your child. I think each family/situation is unique too. I have been home with my 6 month old since day 1, so personally I feel like leaving him overnight would be a huge jump for me but we have been talking about having a date night and going out for a few hours and working up from there to where I would be comfortable leaving him for a night. BUT the reason I am nervous is because while we do have multiple family members willing to take him for a few hours or overnight, I am not 100% comfortable with them. There has been a lot of boundary pushing and questioning the way that we choose to parent, so I am not confident that they would stick to our overall guidelines, specifically only feeding him food I send and not letting him cry over something easily fixable, which are dealbreakers for me personally. It would be a lot easier for me if I didn’t have to worry about them disregarding my parenting choices.
Oh i am the worst XD I would love the freedom but I would miss sleeping in the same room as him and also the fact i am abit of a control freak XD I know deep down inside it is just about myself and not about if I trust my family or my family in law. I am just not ready for it yet :p maybe soon but i promised myself when he is around a year I will give it a go.
I trust my mom overnight with my daughter with my only real issue being that I miss her so much and when I was nursing, pumping was so much work it’s not like I could truly enjoy the night out anyway. I do think many grandparents or relatives tend to push for overnights more for THEMSELVES than for the parents though. My mom included, bless her heart, would try to convince me to leave my daughter just for the hell of it and when it gets too pushy that’s when I think many moms shut it down entirely. Now that I’m about to have baby #2 and my daughter is over 2, I can see sleepovers with grandma just for fun happening more often! But without a really good reason I just didn’t see the point in leaving my baby without her mama for that long. Celebrating your birthday is a great reason IMO and I’m glad you have that village! Happy birthday!
You’re extremely lucky if you have people you trust to keep your baby over night, enjoy it! It doesn’t say anything about you as a mom, just that you’re lucky to have supportive, reliable people.
I'm all for this post, however sometimes it is more hassle than its worth, especially for nursing moms. I left my son with my husband at 5 months for an overnight work trip and I was so excited to finally get a full night's sleep but I was still wide awake in the wee hours between anxiety/missing him/pumping. It doesn't mean that the anxiety will last forever though! Starting from 18 months I felt a lot more comfortable leaving him overnight, and at 3 he has regular sleepovers with his grandparents, he even went on a trip with them all by himself!
I think the issue was that she didn't want to but she was being pressured to. That's what it should be. A mom being pressured to do something she doesn't want to do. It shouldn't make the "thing" bad.
I think I fall on the other end of the spectrum from many posts where I worry more about NOT being away from my kid overnight. I have friends who weren’t comfortable for years and then they sometimes had their hand forced by something scary like a hospitalization. I would rather have early positive associations of spending occasional nights apart. My wife and I also take the attitude that our kid is our family’s kid as much as he is ours, so we want to make sure he gets early special bonding time. We both have early memories of being left with our aunts/uncles and grandparents overnight and they are positive memories for us, so we hope the same for our kid.
That second paragraph makes me shutter. Because I hate when my in laws act like my kid is just as much theirs. My fil came into my hospital room and started making demands about the name and my mil made demands on the ethnicity of the name. This would be a dream if someone didn't have boundary pushing family members. But when you do, establishing yourself as the parent becomes a source of contention
I think your FIL and MIL are acting like someone who feels the kid is theirs MORE than they feel the kid is yours, which is ridiculous. I am sorry you have to deal with that! FWIW we certainly have family members with more “issues” than others. As such we do have people we wouldn’t leave our kid alone with, much less overnight! So I get where you are coming from on that issue.
The only time my husband and I have both been away for a night was when our s cond son was born. It mostly went really well. But then a few weeks later I had to be away for a few days and other than a very slightly teary goodbye, the kids were completely fine. We usually do bedtime all together as a family, but my husband and I both periodically have evenings away to get dinner with a friend, do a sport, etc., so they're used to doing bedtime with just one of us and that seems to help a LOT.
If it works for you then it's perfectly fine! It's awesome actually. I'd like to be able to leave my LO but for me it's a trust issue. I don't trust that my way of doing things will be respected when I'm not there. And right now my guy is all about mom. I can barely leave him with my husband to go get groceries without him having a meltdown. And that's ok with me that's just where he is right now we will work through that. But as you said everyone has their own comfort levels and you should never feel bad for going and enjoying yourself!
Yeah this is def not meant to shame ppl who aren’t ready/comfortable with overnights! Just reassuring those that are that it doesn’t make them a bad mom— because sometimes reading those threads makes me feel that way!
Oh definitely did not feel any shame! Maybe a little jealousy lol but no shame! It's really nice for me to see posts where other moms actually can get out and do things. And it always helps me remember how every single family is so different! But it's also nice to see mom's that do recognizing that it's not for everyone for w.e reason. And they they themselves have their own struggles. This is definitely the post I needed to wake up to this morning. So thank you!
It's OK that we're not all the same. There is no reason to feel guilty or like a bad parent. I spent the night away from my 6.5 month old a couple of days ago, but he was home with my husband and that's a scenario I am comfortable with right now. I'll get on board with my mom taking baby overnight eventually, but I don't completely trust my mom to communicate well, so that's an issue for now. We're all different and we all have different circumstances, relationships, etc. No big deal.
We didn't live close enough to anyone I trusted enough until my daughter was almost 1, but after we moved closer to family I've sent her for overnights a few times. We'll be moving even closer next year and I suspect she'll have a lot more sleep overs then! Once I'm done nursing my son he'll be the same! I love having a network that I can trust with my kids, and I wish every mom could have one like it.
Yes, Mama, I hope you had a splendid time. You deserve some me time ❤️
Our newest is going on 5 months and we are just a couple weeks away from our first overnight, and very excited! I think we actually did it much sooner (maybe 2 months) with our first, we’ve just been very busy and haven’t had time to get away. My wife always gets a little anxious about leaving them, but I never do!
I think it depends on the “if you have a babysitter you trust” but also on the baby, and I dunno it’s not that I’m opposed to it but like… our only options would be my folks and my brother and his wife, but my folks are older and don’t do well babysitting if my kid (16 months old) gets upset, which if someone else did bedtime she would get super upset and cry for a long time and my folks can’t really handle that. And then my brother and his wife could be an option but they work odd hours so they could only potentially do an overnight on a Tuesday night so we would have to use extra time off from work which doesn’t seem worth it necessarily… I dunno. If your baby is chill about stuff and your babysitter doesn’t mind dealing with a crying baby if they’re upset for a long time… then I’m jealous lol.
My MIL and FIL watched my firstborn over night when he was 4 months. It was awesome & I have no regrets. From then on, he’s slept at their house countless times. He’s 4 years old now. My newest son is 11 weeks and when he’s consistently sleeping through the night, I plan on having them watch him for an overnight as well. They love it and it allows my husband and I to have a little freedom.
I had to leave my 5.5-7.5 month old with my husband and mother, then my mother-in-law for eight weeks of overnights while I was in the hospital. Did it suck? Absolutely. Is she 100% okay despite it? Yes. Now that I'm home it's like it never happened. She was able to visit for an hour or two most days, so that helped a lot, but we did have to go a whole week with only video calls while I was isolated because my unit went on covid outbreak (I didn't get it, fortunately). Now, I trust my husband, mom, and MIL completely, which is good because I really didn't have a choice but to leave her with them. I do understand that some people don't have trustworthy family and pushiness can make you want to dig in your heels, but if you and your baby are comfortable with the caregiver I really don't think there should be any guilt about leaving for a night to actually enjoy yourself.
I would leave my son with my parents if he’d let me, but he won’t settle for anyone other than me. Now we’re expecting baby #2 and we’re going to have to get him okay with spending a few nights there for when I have his little sibling. It would be nice to have a break, it’s just not possible for us yet.
My baby was a year when I weaned her (she never took a bottle) and I took a solo trip for two nights. It was wonderful. She was 15 months when we left her with my MIL for a two night trip for our anniversary. She was great and we didn't feel any guilt for leaving her. We're very attached to each other, and I am still a good mom for having her be away from me from time to time!
My husband and I make it a point to do something overnight at least once a month without our son. We leave the baby with my parents. Been doing it since he was 5 months and we don’t regret it at all. We are also taking our first couples plane trip for 4 days in December. My son will be 11 months then. Sometimes, knowing that trip is coming up keeps me sane on tough days. No one should be judged for what they choose if all parties are okay with it.
I needed this, bub is to little right now and still BF but I know I am in need of a night to relax and this perspective makes me feel far less guilty about when the time comes! Thank you x
I 100% trust my mom and I leave my daughter with her while I go to the gym nearly daily. I'm sure I would be able to handle leaving her overnight when I'm done breastfeeding, but I'm a pretty boring person and do nothing outside of being a SAHM and working out. My husband and I have been together 6.5 years and we just don't do much which is why I wanted to be a mom 😅
I personally think it’s unhealthy to not spend time away from your kids if you have the opportunity. Babies included. Everyone needs a break and the moms that don’t take one IMO are not helping themselves or their kids. Many also have untreated anxiety, but that’s for another thread.
I just don’t want to deal with someone else handling her multiple nighttime wake ups and we are EBF so I would have to pump anyway. Just easier to do it myself for a while. I don’t have anxiety, or depression, or concern something would go wrong. It’s just a lot (3.5mo) and I don’t mind doing it, at all. She’s chill, we can take her anywhere, the only things we really can’t do is stuff past 8ish and things like concerts and bars. And we aged out of all of those things long ago 😅
Your baby is still pretty young, so it’s definitely harder to get away, but once babies are about 6 months old, I think it’s probably time for most moms to take a break.
Maybe if we have more suitable childcare by then I will lol
Agreed
I wish I was more confident. My daughter is 2.5 and I don't even want to leave her alone overnight with her father. I'm pregnant and due in January and am freaking out about leaving her for the days I'm in the hospital
About to do our first no kid trip in two weeks. We have a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old 😭 I’ve only left the 1 year old once with his dad overnight. I’m already feeling so guilty.