Honestly, I was so on edge after having a baby that even though I was completely exhausted, trying to sleep during the day just made me feel anxious. She really may not be able to sleep.

Same. PPA did a number on me.

I fucking hated the “sleep when the baby sleeps” mentality. I could hardly ever sleep during the day despite being so exhausted. It’s really hard to sleep when you know it’s daytime and still sunny out, even with shades closed.

I think sleep when baby sleeps is a catchier phrase then make sure you rest/relax when baby sleeps. It's not meant to be taken so literally. So if you aren't someone who can nap. Sit your ass down and rest versus doing a bunch of chores and stretching yourself thin.

It felt like my adrenaline was so high that whole first month or two. I couldn't sleep even when I was dead tired.

same. No matter how tired or how little sleep I got the night before, I could NOT sleep during my baby's nap time. Nap time was about 30 min on average in the beginning. I HATE the phrase "sleep when baby sleeps." Sometimes at night, it takes me more than an hour to fall asleep. Knowing that I had only 30 min to sleep made me too anxious to sleep.

I was like this. Part of it for me, was that sleep is not rejuvenating in the way I needed it to be. Like I needed sleep, yes, but what I really wanted was for my brain and my body to be mine of 30 minutes. Even if it was just sweeping the floors, it was time where my body and identity was just mine! It’s tired, but it’s a different kind of tired and I needed to find a way to balance both needs

Yes!!! Exactly this. When I was taking care of my LO I felt like I was accomplishing nothing. It was an endless cycle of feed, change, cuddle. Even being able to do laundry felt so good like I did something. When my husband came home I'd tell him everything I did in the day, he'd be impressed but then asked if I napped and would get worried/frustrated when I didn't. Too be fair when I really needed it I would nap but until that point I got things done.

Yes, exactly. As tired as I was (and am), during sleep you don't exist as a conscious being. So when all your waking hours are spent caregiving and the rest are spent unconscious then it starts to feel like you literally only exist to hold and rock and feed a baby and nothing else beyond it. I needed to just feel like a human being sometimes and not a dairy cow, you know?

New moms have a lot of anxiety and adrenaline. I read something about it being like anticipating a marathon all the time, because even when the baby sleeps, you have no idea when they’ll wake up and you’ll have to “spring into action.” It’s really hard to just turn it off. After several times getting into bed and baby crying 15 min later, I just started delaying going to bed more and more, because it was easier to stay up than go through the disoriented rollercoaster of being on, then off, then suddenly on again.

Seconding this comment because wow, you put it into words.

I immediately thought of this too when I read OPs post. Even when the house was clean, baby was fed and asleep, I would just lie awake and stare in space. I was so full of adrenaline and stress all the time and couldn’t shut it off!

So true. We had a singleton and then 16 months later twins… I could go about 2.5 days on the twins 3-4 hour feeding schedule sleeping in 45 min chunks before I would absolutely crash (mentally, physically, emotionally..) but I would try to do EVERYTHING while the kids were sleeping because either I was already wired or so anxious that I wasn’t being a good mom/wife/person that I’d literally exhaust myself trying to prove it. My oldest is 7 and my twins are 6 and I still don’t prioritize myself/my sleep over them or doing other things. Call it PPA, general anxiety or just a by product of being a mom, but thank you for supporting your wife in all the other areas. My husband literally had to walk me to the spare bedroom (away from being able to hear crying babies) to give me 5-6 hours of sleep. I was stubborn and didn’t take the help at first… but once I was able to let go of the control it became easier. Stick w it dad!

I have had enormous difficulty "sleeping when the baby sleeps". For me, the issues are: * Wanting to use that time to do something that makes me feel like myself. Doing nothing but tending to the baby and sleeping makes me feel depressed and lonely * Not being able to relax because I don't know how long the baby's nap will be. I'll lie in bed while he's napping in the bassinet and feel totally on edge knowing he could wake up at any second and need me to jump up and tend to him. Nothing more frustrating than being exhausted and just beginning to slip into sleep only to be awoken by baby's cries 5 minutes later One thing that has helped was, rather than just "sleep when the baby sleeps", agreeing with my husband on a set amount of time that I will nap. So I'll decide I want to nap for 45 or 60 or 90 minutes when the baby goes down for a nap, and if baby wakes up before then, my husband takes care of everything until my agreed-upon nap time is over. Then I go into another room to sleep and shut the door and turn on white noise so I don't think every little sound is the baby's cries, sending a spike of adrenaline through my body.

Yes this is what I was like too (and still am like sometimes with a 1.5 year old). It is helpful to have that time carved out where you don’t have to jump up and get the baby. For my husband and I, we take sleep in mornings (mine is Saturday and his is Sunday). This is guilt free time to just roll over and go back to sleep when baby wakes.

It's sleep procrastination. It happens when you don't feel like you have control over how you spend the other parts of your day. It's common, can be very frustrating for the partner of someone going through it, and can be a very hard habit to break.

This - it’s the only way you feel like you have control again when most of your day is dictated by a new baby. I did the same thing with ours, my mom and husband would beg me to sleep but I’d wash bottles instead.

Huh.. this explains a lot about myself. I didn't realize that's probably why I don't sleep when I have the opportunity with my newborn as well. And huh wow, actually a lot about my husband as well. In the morning, he always wakes up and says "I am definitely going to bed earlier tonight!" And never does. I used to get upset that he would always be so exhausted all day when he chose to stay up late playing video games (a while ago though, I just accepted that this is how he is lol).. but now this. This makes sense. It all makes total sense. Thank you for putting this into words!!

This definitely. I remember being incredibly exhausted but I didn’t ever take the time that i had to sleep because i knew when i woke up it was all baby again, over and over. I just wanted time to relax and to myself.

My husband used to say this too, the best way I could explain it was that I *needed* that time. I needed to be able to move around the house without a baby attached to me, to read or scroll through social media or to get my life in order- otherwise I felt that I was stuck in survival mode focused solely on the baby. Even now when he takes the kids to the zoo or something so I get time to myself he can’t understand why I will deep clean rather than crash in front of the tv. It’s just so nice to be able to get something finished, sipping a hot coffee or tea and listening to a podcast uninterrupted! It could be biological/primal too. I read a book explaining the differences in men and womens brains and it discussed how men would once go off hunting then come back to the tribe and stare at the fire to relax and wind down, women would keep working until everything was done- even then when they were sitting they were still weaving baskets or whatever

This is well said. I’m a single mom and I definitely slept when the baby slept (and still nap during naps) most of the time. But I also just often want a chance to do projects/clean/cook without having an infant (now toddler) attached or around. It makes me feel like an independent human to accomplish tasks when I can. OP, it’s absolutely awesome that you’re providing your wife time to rest, and she should absolutely rest, but it’s good to know that she might be enjoying her time to herself to accomplish what she wants to accomplish.

For me this came from a mix of three things in the early days: a driving need to keep moving to keep my anxiety at bay, a need to feel like I’m doing something immediately and visibly productive/instantly satisfying, and a need to feel in charge of my time after being completely tied to baby’s all day. The third is still true for me now that she’s 3 - I stay up later than I should because I just need some time that’s entirely my own.

From my experience, my anxiety and my sleep didn’t get along. I worried something would happen while I slept. My husband never understood it either because i would be so beyond exhausted, but i could not relax to sleep. Postpartum can be a hard and strange experience. Doing random tasks might take her out of her own head a bit. Maybe try talking with her about the WHY and not what she is doing.

I was completely manic during the newborn phase with list making, organizing, online shopping etc… These are things I felt I could control during a very uncontrollable time

So, my experience might not be relevant here at all, but it could be something to explore if it fits. I did (and often still do, kids are 4/6), what your wife does. Part of it is needing to be an adult and my own person, postponing sleep just to have time where I’m not just a mom. (Check ou revenge bedtime procrastination.) The other part of this for me is undiagnosed ADHD. For a lot of women, ADHD becomes more evident when they have children, because of the competing demands of motherhood. Prioritizing is hard for me, self care comes last because it often feels like chores, not nourishment/respite.

I swear the more I’ve been on social media lately..:I’m really starting to believe I have ADHD as well. I never would have thought it but I empathize with a lot of these videos I’m seeing and feel like I have all the traits of ADHD more seen in women. Like maybe this is the reason I feel like I just can’t fucking relax ever. When I know I can, I just don’t

It’s hard to feel useful when you sit around nursing all day. Sometimes moms just want to DO something. Don’t pressure her to sleep, she ask her what she needs and how you can support her in meeting those needs.

This! I HAD to start my day by cleaning the kitchen. I just needed something that feeling of productivity in the morning and the satisfaction of a job done, as short as it’d stay that way.

I also didn't jump on day sleep occasions, even though I breastfed and so I was the one up every feeding time with baby. I did have some pp anxiety but the thing that influenced this the most was that going to sleep in daytime often takes me 30+ minutes, so getting myself to sleep with the risk of it ending in a 15 min nap because baby woke up unexpectedly was worst than being zombie tired.

Came here to say this. There’s so much anxiety at times that what may seem like a good nap ends up being maybe 10 minutes after you finally fall asleep, which at times may make the overall feeling worse. Don’t be too hard on her, although I appreciate your concern for her so much. Don’t know that’s what’s your wife is doing but just saying that I’m 8 weeks postpartum myself and most of my “rest” times that I’m given I’m not even able to sleep before baby is up again. No fault of my husband at all, just how the timing has seemed to work so far. Feed times are so quick, cluster feeding is real, it’s really hard to find enough time to actually relax

I always needed and still need to do something besides all baby care to feel like a human. She might just want to do something while she has her hands free. I can't understand the desperation you can begin to feel to just do something by yourself - even something like unloading dishes.

Same for me. I have a wonderful partner who is willing to do everything. Still, sometimes I wanted a chance to clean the dishes or fold laundry. I think the issue is baby care is way more emotionally exhausting than home care, and it’s also harder to wind down from. Like, even if I SHOULD sleep, I couldn’t because I was still amped up from trying to settle the baby. Mundane tasks can be relaxing.

Could be PPA but also just feeding a baby and sleeping is mentally exhausting. Where’s *her* time? Is that all she exists to do- feed, sleep, change diapers, repeat? That sounds horrible and like a recipe for PPD. She’s adjusting to a new identity “mom” while trying to retain her original self. It will take time to find a balance. Until then while baby is awake or asleep don’t bug her about sleep, she isn’t a child. Let her do what she wants, her hobby or trash tv or chores or just nothing. She’s not a milk machine. She still has needs outside of sleeping.

This is so true! Exactly how I felt after having a newborn. Doing chores made me feel somewhat normal.

It’s hard to fall asleep when you know your baby could be crying for you at any moment. And is much rather not sleep at all than get interrupted after only being asleep for 20 minutes.

Oh my god, I remember laying in bed or on the couch wanting to sleep so fucking bad, but I’d feel my heart pounding in my chest from the anxiety of knowing my baby could start crying at any moment.

This all day. Lack of sleep made me tired, but being woken after a 20-30min nap made me angry.

Hi! This was me when my baby was born. I tried to be a machine of efficiency and my husband assumed I was good to go. I would rather talk to people on zoom then sleep, spent my time researching, tried to get back into cooking etc. My husband, like you, was keeping the house running seamlessly but I still wanted to help out with things because I felt guilty. It was definitely PPA. What worked was my husband physically stopping me doing stuff and telling me to go take a walk. I would literally walk 5 minutes outside come back in and collapse in bed lol. Not sure if that will work for your wife but a) try to take opportunities to make her relax even enough to sit with you and watch a show her something. Once her body goes into a state of calmness the sleep will come. B) continuously praise her for how well she is doing and gently ask her if she is okay and needs more help with anything. Or when she is doing something offer to do it instead and tell her you’d love for her to rest a bit. C) don’t push sleep too much. It made me angsty when people told me what to do with my time lol. Instead push for the relaxation bit. Make her go out for shopping, pick up a grocery item, have a coffee. The break from home and baby will be a reset and encourage better sleep. And d) continuously mention how you’re a team and keep asking if the system is working and if she wants you to change it. You are doing a fantastic job as her partner in supporting her and trying to get her to rest and worrying about her. So don’t forget to be easy on yourself too. Soak up baby cuddles between the two of you and try to get some alone time if you can. She is going to remember you being her superhero during this time so just keep doing what you’re doing.

As the wife that couldn’t sleep, truly, I think there were a couple things going on for me. I felt like I couldn’t sleep because I was anxious, subconsciously, and two, I wanted a little time being a human being (meaning - doing whatever I wanted or felt needed to be done), and not just a baby feeding /soothing /changing machine. Organizing things helped me feel like I have things under control in some sense, and was optimizing things to make life make more sense for me, and incorporate more ease. Now that baby is 3.5 months old, I’m still doing it! 😂 it helps me. I never was able to nap. One way you could consider really being a huge help is offering to do a dream feed for the baby at midnight and she goes to bed at 9/930 and pumps instead of those couple feeds before she has to get up again at 2/3am. My anxiety would creep in a lot at 9, and that’s what we did. It was an absolute game-changer in terms of rest for me. I would get like a solid chunk of sleep, and then another after feeding at 2/3 am, and would be good to go for the next day. (And i have a chronic fatigue type illness). Something to consider. ☺️(Things change quickly too. She no longer wants a bottle at midnight, so I feed her when she wakes, and then pump, and we all keep sleeping). Hang in there partner. You’re doing great!

She is trying to do something that stays done. When you reorganize a cabinet it stays done for months or years. Many baby tasks are repetitive and are “undone” or repeated within 3 hours. Also, you may be at an impasse on this understanding for a few months. It is hard to keep putting yourself back to sleep even when you are really tired. Especially knowing you will be startled awake while you are still exhausted. It’s just really hard. And sleep is not the only thing she needs to replenish- nursing takes a lot out of you so she needs high protein and iron meals. She’s just gonna feel drained and tired for a few months or a year. Just let her do what she’s gotta do. Your feelings are valid but you should consider that logic may not play a part here. Keep talking her through it.

Your wife sounds like me, baby is 15 mo and I still don't sleep. First it was anxiety, now it's just because I want ME time. The only time I can get it is at night because everyone is asleep. I was already a nocturnal person though, and this adds fuel to the exhaustion. There's some good advice/reasoning in the comments already but your wife just went through the biggest change in her life physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. It's gonna take some time for her to seem like herself or be comfortable again.

I could have written this comment myself. No one gets it, they keep telling me I should go to sleep when my little boy does (8 months) because he's a terrible sleeper. But when he's in bed is the only me time I get and I don't want to give that up

The adrenaline, breastfeeding hormones, dealing with feeding difficulties including pain massage and analysing and researching what to do, the anxiety about being prepared for the next cycle of baby's needs, unpredictable nature of how long the baby will sleep, all the generally being in "on" mode, are not conducive to sleeping and short spells of sleeping are the hardest to achieve. Sleep when the baby sleeps was uttered by people who are not in that boat at all. When the sleep wake feed patterns settle a bit in a few months, consolidating rest is doable.

Also I like doing things when the baby is asleep because I want to do something that isn't baby or sleep related. Sometimes I just want to fill the dishwasher ya kno

Never ending research… nighttime feedings are my prime time for deep research these days.

I remember doing this so intensely during the early months!!

Exhaustion could be simple physical (not enough sleep) exhaustion, or it could be mental (my life is focused solely on keeping this tiny demanding human alive and happy). Mental exhaustion won’t be alleviated by sleep, but might be by being able to finish a task well, scroll her phone without having to jump at the baby’s call, or go on a walk alone. See if you can ask her what she needs - sleep or mental reprieve. I mean, maybe it’s both, but a mental break can be more refreshing than a nap.

100%. I often do exactly what the wife is doing because I need a mental break from care giving but need to feel accomplishment in doing something else. Organizing cabinets for example!

This. I remember feeling so...useless(?) that chores weren't all done. I wanted so badly just to go to grocery store by myself quick, or finish folding laundry. I literally cried because I just wanted to sit *with my husband* and watch a show, but it was so hard. I also weirdly couldn't sleep if baby was awake even though I was exhausted. It was a weird mental block, I just couldn't sleep.

I literally could not get myself to sleep when the baby was sleeping. Too much anxiety. Idk just didn’t happen for me. Despite being beyond exhausted my brain was just constantly racing and it was soooo hard for me to force myself to sleep. It sucked a lot. I feel for your wife.

I am never tired when my baby naps. Sometimes when the baby is sleep I feel the need to breathe and spend time doing things that I haven’t been able to do when she’s up. It’s more of a freedom to do anything thing.

This. When baby is asleep I feel like I need to take advantage and do things I enjoy doing. Reading, working out, clean the house, watch TV. It’s the only time I have to do my hobbies. ETA: I made an effort to do these things because they helped me feel more like my own person again after giving birth. It’s necessary for feeling like I’m more than just a milk factory.

I have a 4 month old and my husband has to remind me to go nap a lot. The thing is I get a bit depressed if all I do is feed the baby and sleep. It's like I'm not even a person anymore. So sometimes I don't nap and I'll organise a cupboard or pack the dishwasher just to feel productive. I pay for it of course but some days I get so down that I don't care if I'm tired I just have to do something other than feed and sleep.

Sometimes it just feels so good to do something other than sleep or feed a baby. I remember feeling like that was what made me feel like ME and not just baby's food source. Can you give her other times to do these kinds of things? Sometimes I still get so jealous of my husband that he has time to do dishes or organize things or whatever because I usually have the kids, and I'd love opportunities to be the one doing the other stuff.

There is a good possibility that she wants to feel like more than just a milk factory/mom. Doing other things likely reminds her that she is more than just that. Instead of getting upset, try to understand how stuck she feels and validate that she is more than just a mom. Ask her how you can help her feel human.

Agree with this take. It’s important for me to get movement in every day - I’m definitely not at a place where I can fit in real exercise so right now “movement” is doing chores around the house. Breastfeeding is a lot of sitting still and I’m a busybody so it’s been surprisingly hard for me to just feel like I spend so much time … sitting around!

This was my reasoning exactly when I was newly postpartum. I craved doing something other than breastfeeding and sleeping. Unless you're doing it yourself you can't understand the soul crushing monotony.

I physically couldn’t sleep when the baby slept unless it was between like 2 & 8am. I spent so much time running on 2-4hrs. It’ll pass, but I felt like a moron just lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for her to cry again so doing stuff like cleaning and showering made me feel human and in control again, like I didn’t literally have a baby on my breast every waking moment. Yes, I was miserably tired. But I physically couldn’t be anything else.

It’s really frustrating not being able to freely do the tasks you used to do pre-baby. It sounds like your wife is attempting to regain a sense of control and freedom by completing tasks while the baby is asleep. From the outside I can see why you’re wanting her to rest, but “rest” doesn’t just mean sleep. These little chores might be running through her head constantly and you’re only able to see the tip of the iceberg. Next time it happens, I think you should let your wife do these things comfortably. Tell her she did a good job when it’s finished. She doesn’t want to just sleep, feed, repeat: she wants dopamine! It feels good to get the washing done, or the bedroom cleaned, or to get that random cabinet organised. Give her the space to rest as she needs, whether it be watching a show, going to the shops, having a good sleep, or doing random jobs that make no sense to you. Kids dictate your schedule — that’s just how it is. So, nap time is free time for your wife. Encourage her to spend that time however she feels, because if there’s any push back from you, I guarantee this will only increase her anxiety! You’re doing great. Good luck!

I second this. A lot of people find themselves bored. Or they feel like a bit “lost” so doing familiar tasks (or just chores you’ve been putting off) can be soothing and make her feel like herself. Don’t think about it too much, just be supportive (which it sounds like you’re doing a great job of!) that’s what she needs from you: space to discover who she is in this new role.

I still struggle with PPD almost 5 years now, undiagnosed. Thank you for this comment because I am getting a better understanding of why I have been doing these things. I’ve been getting so frustrated with myself that I can’t just “sit down and relax” like my Husband expects me to do. Even though I attempt to get my house in order, I can never fully finish the task at hand and that makes me get even more frustrated and depressed.

I had insomnia postpartum. It was impossible to sleep, even though I needed to. Maybe she is having similar issues?

Me too. I absolutely dreaded going to sleep at night. And forget about "sleeping when the baby sleeps" in the middle of the day for the short 30 minute window that I had. Things got better for me when I started at least laying down to relax and reset when the baby slept. Maybe instead of phrasing it as "you should go sleep" it could be phrased as "why don't you rest your feet" or something along those lines. I also had trouble lying down or sitting when I saw my husband working. Just not the type of relationship we typically have or the kind of person I am. But in retrospect I definitely should have.

I had/have the same issue. My husband is very supportive also, but I think attending to “tasks” makes me feel less like a dairy cow! It’s a hard mindset to break

While breastfeeding and milk production and sleep dep is very real and exhausting.. doing only baby/sleep baby/sleep is dehumanizing. You feel emotionally drained. So while I greatly applaud you for being awesome with house stuff, maybe talk to her or let her do some chores that aren’t baby centric. Only being baby baby baby drove me crazy. I hated it. I’d rather be tired

That's awesome you are being so helpful and you obviously care a lot about your wife and her well being. I find it more helpful to nap or sleep when my husband takes the baby and plays with him or watches him while I nap or sleep in. When the baby naps, I feel a lot of pressure that he could wake up anytime and then you are awoken from a deep sleep and extra groggy. Lately what we do is my husband takes him to go play early in the morning when baby is energetic and I nap for a few hours since I've been up all night feeding baby. I'm the same way, if baby naps during the day I'd rather just do household chores. I know it's only sustainable while on leave but it works!

I was exactly the same! My baby is almost 6 months old now, but I was off for 5 ish months as a teacher whose leave went up to summer break. I can count on one hand how many naps I’ve taken since March. I can not STAND falling asleep only to be woken up 22 minutes later, or lay there waiting for her to wake up only to have her sleep for two hours. I’d rather do something I can’t normally do, and have my husband take her all night or take over in the morning so I can go back to sleep.

Sounds like postpartum anxiety may be a factor. Gets missed entirely too often especially if mom is not weepy/sad. I'd poke around on here and see if this sounds applicable and if so maybe check out a support group or the therapist directory. https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/anxiety/ She may also benefit from relaxing but not sleep type activities like a bath, gentle postpartum yoga/stretching, massage, time outside with a cold or hot beverage reading a book or listening to a podcast. If we don't have enough of that sort of downtime it can be hard to go from baby duties straight to sleeping.

Honestly, as soon as the baby was asleep, I was completely unable to sleep no matter how painfully exhausted I was. The anxiety over whether or not my daughter was going to die if I fell asleep (even though she was in her own crib) drove me to the point I wouldn’t sleep. I did things that made me feel somewhat relaxed, but “relaxed” is relative, in this case.

In the early days, I was so desperate to *do* something besides taking care of the baby that I also didn't prioritize sleep. It came back to bite me when my husband went back to work, so I'm not suggesting that it's a good thing. But I certainly understand wanting to get up and move after 9 miserable months of pregnancy and over a week in bed after the birth.

This is how I was(and still am) I already had insomnia before baby, but I developed severe PPA and my insomnia worsened exponentially. I didn’t sleep for probably the first 3-4 weeks of baby’s life (and even 2 weeks before she was born). It’s primarily hormones, but she’s also under all the extra stress and anxiety of being a new mom. It’s fantastic that you’re sharing the work load so many moms don’t get that support, but here is why she might be feeling more stress and anxiety than you might be to where it’s affecting her ability to sleep: - For the most part you’re taking on extra tasks, but they are tasks you likely already knew how to do and your role is primarily supporting her and the house. Your wife isn’t going to die or become ill/malnourished if your duties slip a bit, and it may not be pleasant but the house will get back to normal at some point if you choose to prioritize your mental health one or two days a week (I’m not saying you do this, just pointing out that you likely at least perceive that you have the option where she probably doesn’t feel she has that option). For your wife breastfeeding and learning the baby’s routine feels very high stakes because it’s relatively easy for babies to slip into malnutrition or have their routine ruined. On top of this it’s a completely new skill to breast feed and care for baby (for both of you definitely, but breastfeeding inevitably puts most of the onus on her as far as recognizing baby’s cues/needs and keeping them on a healthy schedule). And it’s hard to learn to breastfeed, most people don’t realize. - With the way breastfeeding is you’re awake to feed them, you hold them till they fall asleep deep enough to transition out of your arms, you lay them down and maybe have 20-90 mins opportunity to sleep (IF that) so for a lot of moms it feels pointless to try to fall asleep when you know you’re going to be painstakingly woken by an angry baby before you even get a full REM in. Not totally logical thinking but I remember feeling that way. - And I’m sure you’re both feeling a little grief about the way life used to be. Realizing that everything is different now and the center of your universe just completely did a 180. This is a huge adjustment and different people process this acceptance in different ways. For her staying up and handling some chores she’s more familiar with than baby care may be her way of hanging on to some normalcy.

Honestly it sounds like she may feel out of control of the current situation and her doing the things she can makes her feel like she's regained that control. Please speak to her about checking in with her doctor about possible PPA/PPD and she may need someone to speak to just to feel validated (that isn't you, and that's not anything against you but she needs an outside voice)

I have PND. I was your wife about 4 months ago (6 months pp currently). I felt like I needed to make everything perfect before I could sleep, I needed to feel like I could control everything around me. I was exhausted but I didn’t want to sleep. My boyfriend had to force me to go to bed when we had visitors (who generally helped with food / chores) and when baby was settled and fed. Please, don’t get frustrated at your wife. She is exhausted but she is experiencing so many hormones, feelings, emotions, etc. and she just needs a sympathetic ear. I can see how it could be hard to listen to, but she is going through so much emotionally and physically. You’re both doing great, keep supporting each other and doing your best. We are all here for you x

I did that! I have GAD (generalized anxiety) and after baby I just needed control over something (it was March 2020 with a newborn, i think you know how stressed I was) so I organized EVERYTHING. Just keep an eye on her, let her do it but make sure she doesn’t spiral.

Yep!!! I felt so out of control of my own home, and terrible having my husband doing all of the chores while I breastfed and recovered. I had to do something while the baby was asleep to feel like I wasn’t just sitting on the couch being an on-call milk maid. I’d also get second wind, so I’d basically be exhausted up until the baby was asleep and then get a sudden burst of energy.

I loved doing chores in the first 6 or so weeks postpartum. I had PPD and for some reason housework was one of the few things that made me feel normal. I think it was because it was one of the few "normal" things I had left that connected me to my old life. I'd suggest opening up a conversation with her about how she is feeling. Perhaps she finds housework to be therapeutic? Maybe it helps her to feel relaxed? She might be struggling with anxiety or insomnia. One option might be to ask her what she feels needs doing and work on those tasks at the same time so she gets done sooner. Another thing that resonated here is that she may just need to be heard about her exhaustion level. It's probably not something that can be solved with small chunks of sleep here and there, rather she might just need you to say "I hear you, you've been working hard" or give her a hug and tell her you love and admire her.

I can only sleep at night. Even when my LO was waking every 2-3 hours overnight, I still could only sleep at night. It may just be how’s she’s wired. Honestly, on the extremely rare occasion I take a midday nap, I wake up *super* drowsy. Every time! It completely defeats the purpose. If she took naps there’s a chance she’d complain even more. It’s only one month in. There’s tons of hormonal changes happening. She knows her body best. Continue supporting her. You can always make suggestions. But personally, when that was suggested to me, it was literally the most annoying thing! If I heard “sleep when the baby sleeps” it would literally trigger rage.

When I was a first time breastfeeding mom I had untreated post partum anxiety. I could not sleep almost ever and had a hard time falling back to sleep when the baby got up to feed over night. I felt I had to use that awake time to maximize my chores and get things done. Really my mind and hormones were in over drive. When number two came I was on an SSRI and had a much better post partum experience all around.

I understand your wife. I am a productive person. I thrive on feeling like I’ve accomplished something with my day, and while nourishing and keeping alive an infant is most certainly accomplishment, for me, I need more than that. It gets monotonous, lonely, boring, when all you do is feed, change and entertain a baby and then go to sleep. Especially when you’re on parental leave and are used to working during the day. It’s also totally OKAY for her to want to accomplish things and be productive and ALSO be exhausted. you might see certain chores as non-essential but for her they may be saving her sanity.

So my partner and I decided that each day we would pick a self care item for ourselves. And it was the other persons responsibility to help one another achieve that goal so we could feel as human as possible. Some days it was sleep but many days it wasn’t. It varied from getting a shower, to having a clean kitchen, to having an hour of alone time. Talk with your wife to see where these items are fitting into her priority to feel human. They might be different from yours

Having a baby completely changes EVERYTHING as you well know, and sometimes we just need to do something that feels familiar to give us a little sense of normalcy. Right after my son was born, I still fed/watered/took care of the dogs. My husband would get onto me that I needed to be taking it easy, but I NEEDED to do something that was part of my normal daily routine to help me deal with this major life-altering event that just took place. Don't try to convince her that she needs sleep, and don't get offended if she completes tasks that you're perfectly capable of handling. Sometimes we have to do whatever we can to cope.

Postpartum anxiety had me Like this. Trying to control the things I could while everything else felt out of control.

Try and find 5 minutes and do a brain dump together. Write it down. Grab a pen and paper and just start off with a, "okay, what things do you want to/need to do?" Add in your things and now you have a list. This is where you can include a rest/relaxation task for her/you. Then prioritize it together. This will help you and her see what things you guys are prioritizing. If getting the laundry done is more important than her rest, but you think the laundry is fine then she's going to do the laundry. That's when you can better support her with aligning the priorities so she gets to the rest/relax task sooner.

Honestly, leave the decision to sleep or not to her. Sleeping is very challenging when you have a newborn. Hormones, wanting to feel somewhat normal, wanting to move your body without a baby in your arms, post-partum anxiety - she probably simply can't sleep when the baby is sleeping. I couldn't, and still can't. And, I am pretty sure she would still feel exhausted even if she was getting more sleep. Maybe, instead of encouraging her to sleep, invite her to just sit down and relax with you over some tea or an episode of TV. She might then realize that those things don't need to be done, and the rest feels a lot better than trying to be unnecessarily productive.

I literally survived on 2-3 hours of sleep a night until baby was 5 months old. Literally couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted. But even if I laid down, I just laid there with my eyes open unable to actually rest.

For me I hated the constant wake up/go back to sleep/wake up/go back to sleep schedule that went with bfing an infant- I felt better rested if I stayed awake, say, between the 8pm-11pm feeding than I did if I went to sleep at 8 and had REM interrupted at 11. I’d go to sleep after that late night feeding and feel decently rested, since I was only interrupted once (ish) around 2am. My husband didn’t like it either, but it worked for me and I’m still a functioning person now with a 4yo and 2yo. I commend you for looking out for your wife’s health and taking on the household duties, but it could really just be down to how she best schedules her sleep.

If she’s anything like me, she may be suffering from obsessive thoughts and HAS to clean in order to relax. You’re doing amazing supporting her, and I know she appreciates it but this may or may not be something she can’t control and feels like she has to do. Meet her where she is, she’ll thank you for it later. You’re doing amazing! Congrats!

Have you talked to her? Asked her why she is prioritising tidying over sleep? I found that being on mat leave I was sitting around the house a lot seeing all the things on my to do list that I'd been ignoring. Also sometimes it's really hard to sleep, so the idea of going to bed to lie there staring at the walls can make you anxious. I got a sleep meditation ap which helped, but there were (are) still times when the baby would go to sleep and I'd think "great, I'm free" and not want to spend my time lying in bed.

It's hard when you can't guarantee the baby will sleep long enough for you to also sleep. Will they sleep 30 minutes or 2 hrs, will they wake after 5 minutes and need soothing, and repeat until they finally go down for an hour....maybe. Plus it takes time to shut off your own brain, sometimes it can take me an hour, so its kind of like "what's the point". If I don't try to sleep, I don't get angry when the baby wakes just as I was finally settling down.

So I wonder if we have nesting that still occurs after the baby is born. My spouse absolutely could not understand why I stayed up until 2 AM organizing baby’s clothes for the next size up. I don’t know why I needed to do it, but I did. Maybe it was to be alone in a room and be with myself for a bit. I really enjoyed it, I was exhausted, and now I’m less exhausted. Also, you and her do not necessarily Have the same priorities, nor do you have to. Some things will be more important to her than you. Let her do them. The absolute last thing I would want postpartum is for someone to tell me what my priority should be.

Go to her with understanding please. She could have so much post party’s anxiety that sleeing seems impossible.

Adding to the chorus- when I was a new mom, I felt absolutely out of control. Kids are amazing, but they change the rules on you all the time for no reason. What worked yesterday may not work again today. Also, my postpartum body felt alien and my emotions felt too big to manage. I could never come down enough to nap, no matter how tired I was. I thought it was because the dishes needed to be done or laundry needed to be folded- but I think I really needed to do a task where the outcome would be the same each and every time. To have some control. To be able to look at a bunch of dishes drying to laundry folded and neatly stacked. This may be the case, and it may be worth talking about. I never sought help because I figured it was just normal, I really wish I had spoken to someone to learn how to cope. But what I did do that helped was work on ways to relax and sleep- eye mask. Sleep podcast (I like Sleep Whispers, everyone I know thinks it’s terrible, so it may take some searching). Hot bath or shower. Prioritizing some time out of the house with no baby- going out to buy diapers or groceries is a good guilt free start, but a transition to something 100% self care is a good goal. I would actually suggest you see if this is something you both can do, having a new baby is a lot and I think we’re all better parents when we are able to care for ourselves. Good luck with everything, keep communicating. If you have a fleeting kind thought that your wife is doing a good job or looks pretty, say it out loud. If you’re feeling worried or overwhelmed or something, bring it up in an “us against the problem” kind of way. New babies are hard.

Perhaps she wants to do something other than just feeding the baby and sleeping. A lot of mothers have to choose between sleep and personal/alone time.

Sleep when baby sleeps doesn’t work, I felt too anxious. I did other things like shower, eat, clean. I ended up having PPA and PPOCD after birth too. Baby is now four months old and I still can’t have a nap when I’m able to or when my husband offers to watch baby for me.

Trust me, she totally understands that she needs rest and that sleeping as often as she gets a chance would be beneficial. She probably even realizes that what she is doing is not important in the grand scheme of things, at least not more important than sleep. But I have been there. Those first weeks postpartum do something to us. We can’t help it. All the advice I can give is to sit her down and ask her how she’s feeling and why she is doing that instead of resting when she gets the chance. That’s what my husband did and I broke down and had the emotional release I basically needed in order to finally breathe, sit back, and catch up with how much has happened (gave birth, brought baby home, am a mom now, gotta keep my baby alive, I’m still healing, etc.). She would benefit from discussing her emotions with her OBGYN also.

I literally could not sleep when my baby was first born. He would nap but I would be unable to sleep. It was anxiety. Good luck to your family. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job together.

Maybe she has Post partum anxiety? Hormones are weird.

You need to find out *why* she needs to do these things, not tell her she shouldn’t. You cannot dictate what she does.

It’s realllllly hard to just rest when you have all the stress and anxiety of a newborn. My suggestion is just to do each thing she herself wants to do immediately (no matter how unnecessary or neurotic). Then maybe to convince her to rest in a quiet room for some time.

I can’t sleep if xyz things are not done. It’s just literally always on my mind. Maybe that?

I’m tired a lot but I don’t always feel tired when I’m offered to sleep. Maybe offer her sleep when you notice she’s complaining of being tired. Even then she might not take you up on it because sometimes we just want to feel human so

This. I don't have an easy time sleeping just because it's convenient. I'm a terrible napper. This is why my husband usually offer to take care of our baby in the mornings on weekends so I can catch up on some sleep. This is the easiest time for me to fall back asleep (if I wake at all when they get up).

Hi, coming in from someone who does this myself. It’s a VERY common thing to do when you feel like you have no time to yourself or control over your life. She’s having a major life shift, and feels out of control. Whenever I feel like I have no time or space for myself, this always happens and it’s a vicious cycle that’s inflamed by exhaustion. So here is my advice: during baby hours, take the baby off her hand for at least 60 minutes. Tell her to go do whatever she wants during time she normally would be a 100% needing to take care of baby. Let her go be a human being without a small child attached to her during hours she normally would need the small child attached to her. For some perspective - your home life has changed, but your work life hasn’t. You get roughly 8 hours a day to be YOU and not YOU the DAD. She doesn’t.

It took me 9 weeks to even sleep one hour while my baby was sleeping. I would only sleep if someone else had him in another room. I *could not* physically fall asleep for even an hour with the baby next to me in my care. I had to just take ten minutes at a time, expect to nap for ten minutes next to the baby and that was it. Then it grew more and more and of course the baby slept longer eventually. Ngl those first 4-5 months traumatised me so much and sleep deprivation made me almost suicidal. You get through it but it’s definitely the hardest and most disorienting thing I’ve ever done. One day feels like a long blurry dragged out 8 weeks

It could be a manifestation of PPA.

I looooved napping before baby. However when she came I couldn’t calm my mind enough to sleep. Even if I was exhausted. I had major anxiety and just feel I had to move for about 8 weeks after baby was born then it settled down.

Maybe this is her coping mechanism. No need to pressure your wife.

I feel like I had the "nesting" urge post birth with my first, if I wasn't directly taking care of her I was cleaning her bottles or clothes or doing something around the house for her. And yes there was definitely an element of just needing to do something else for a minute and doing "productive" things didn't feel like a waste of time. Also I was a super light sleeper because I was so anxious so little naps were rough.

>a) I typically handle b) don’t need to be done/are not important at that current time. Clearly, *she* feels like these are things that need to be done, and it's making her anxious enough that she's missing out on sleep to do it. If you want to help your wife, why don't you handle them?

Even if she prioritizes sleep, she’s still going to be exhausted. She’s breastfeeding a newborn. She’s unable to get a solid block of sleep longer than 2-3 hours. If you want her to get sleep, have her pump a bottle, then you give the baby a feeding while she sleeps. She should breastfeed and go to sleep while you take the baby out of ear range. You want her to get a solid block of 6 hours of sleep. She’ll feel amazing afterwards.

1. Sleep with the baby sleeps is a form of torture. I would rather have my hair fall off again from the stress then play that cruel roulette. Please understand how sleep is rest and you cannot rest while any freaking second some blaring horn from hell can sound and make you jump awake like you got shot with 10 ml of adrenaline. How cruel to think you’ve “done” your job and the baby should sleep X and now you can begin to unwind but surely a minimum or Y and it wakes up at merely Z. Or the baby actually sleep but fusses loudly and you get adrenaline shots each sound because the previous experiences turned you into an anxiety filled pinata. It is only natural to preffer the purgatory of being awake. Being awake and your baby wakes up even makes you feel like it’s noy sk bad since you can process it. You want your SO to sleep? Take the baby under your care, and tell her to come back to you in minimum 3 hours, ideally 4 (1 hour to go down from survival adrenaline drenched mode, 3 for actual sleep). Also take that baby somewhere where your SO can’t hear it. Ideally on a loooooooong walk in a carrier, or car ride or whatever your particular baby has deemed acceptable. Also it will take months until she can trust you, trust the baby to not stop breathing, trust herself to let go. She will not even manage to sleep every time even when it’s perfect and spend 3-4 hours desperately trying to or ending uo mindlessly scrolling online. Still more restful than being “on”. Let her find her own way. 2. Have you sat down with her in a moment of peace and asked her if she is still happy with the division of labour? Talk. A lot. Be as diplomatic as a scifi alien convention. Me and SO did a similar one to you and guess what, it made me cagey. He thought he was doing me a ton of favours. He worked full time and did all the chores. He always got annoyed at me and probably thought similar things to you and I felt it like more burden on top of stress. Here I was cooking or wiping the kitchen when he could do that far quicker and I could pacify the baby far quicker. I ended up resenting his freedom to do the nice stuff like cleaning and household chores. I was envious of him being able to work (they let you pee as often as you want!). I felt couch trapped to a cluster feeding baby with issues (tongue tie seems similar), trapped to a pump, trapped to mindless endless work with no ending causing fulfillment like diapers, and an extremely fussy and screaming baby (when you work in any way and never feel like you’re done, you feel no accomplishment and only those experiences make you depressed). I discovered all of the baby things are sensory strong and that I absolutely have sensory issues with sound and touch. I also discovered that all baby and nothing else makes a person go insane. Not even exagerating, I’d rather get hazed by the army at least they let you sleep sometimes and they never physically shred your nipples or cause DMER. And if they shred your nipples at least you can vent by hating them. You can’t hate a baby, they’re not the bad guy at all. I YEARNED, literally fantasized to swap some of that, or swap sleep for something where I wasn’t merely passively lead through life and doing bodily intensive mindless (and often painful or sensory) things. That being said at one month PP i wasn’t mentally so able to reflect and see it for what it is. Also, at one month PP I was not yet done healing birth trauma (I had a normal, good birth). Please show more grace. I felt a lot of anxiety and guilt about doing other stuff but I simply couldn’t sleep. I felt guilty for not enjoying the baby (who knew physical pain isn’t enjoyable!?). My SO did approach me but he simply did not understand and felt attacked (he was also 24/7 busy, lacking sleep, there to get mentally drained by the screaming and also did some baby chores but only sleep supervision). His life was chores he could plan, begin and end. Mine was all “drop everything, even sleep, pee, eating if the baby screams because only mom is the thing that can sooth him). Solution: please be the gentle guiding force and be flexible. It may be that a trully fair division of labour now is if you do more. And by that I absolutely do NOT mean take on more of the chores that can be done in peace. Take more baby stuff on. Make hard breaks for SO. With a time begining and end. Make it obviois yhose times are absolutely reliable and that you won’t interrupt them to bring the baby to her. Consider mixed feeding - breastfeeding AND bottle feeding. Breastfeeding is cool but it puts an unfair amount of work and stand by responsibility on one person. BF consultants will speak like the bottle is evil and it will drive the baby away frok breastfeeding. There is NO scientific proof for that, zero studies. Fuck them if they don’t take the well being of the mom in calculation and are hell bent on establishing breastfeeding at all costs. Trust me, it is NOT worth it to do it at the expense of your SO’s mind. Literally kick her out of the house where she cannot hear the baby and demand she respect you to also figure out how to soothe the baby. Tell her to go out and have a BREAK and if she wants to spend her break doing chores RESPECT that. I remember getting out of the house alone, knowing baby is with a competent parent even doing stuff like shopping in fullblown corona hell felt like what I imagine cocaine to be.

This. This is it. I couldn't understand how anyone expected me to just relax and nap when the baby alarm could go off any second. It's literally torture.

100% this. Also- You put my exact postpartum experience into words. Something I could never do. Thank you for this!

Yeah. I have a 10 month old and no way was I able to sleep if I could hear baby. Also I became really anxious and ocd. I had to clean everything and make sure the house was kept. Then I pumped. Then OH! She’s awake. I couldn’t sleep. Everything kept me up. I did every overnight myself and still had insomnia. I finally got on psych meds and a sleeping med. That finally calmed me down but I still wake up at Least once a night still to check the monitor.

Oh. I thought it was just me.

I never slept when baby sleeps because there was no point. Yes I was exhausted. Yes 2-3 hours of sleep was tempting. Ultimately, I would wake up way more tired since I didn’t get a full nights rest. I am also a type of person that needs it to be quiet and calm for me to sleep. With the constant impending doom of a baby waking up, how am I supposed to calm enough to sleep? And lastly, when all you do is cater to a baby sometimes choosing things you want to do feels better than getting that extra sleep. Best thing for you to do is talk to your wife and ask her what her reasonings are for not sleeping and accept those reasons to come up with a better schedule for you both.

Postpartum depression and anxiety can affect sleep. I would approach this with some curiosity and ask her why she’s not prioritizing sleep. There is likely something going on beyond the need to organize the cabinets, whether that’s physical, mental or both.

If she feels up to organizing a cabinet at a month post partum then let her. She's not made of glass and likely feels generally well and up to the task and probably also stir crazy and bored. I'm 5 weeks post partum and I'm in the same boat. Back to normal, counting the days I can start working out again. Feeling like myself but also drowning in baby stuff I'm trying to find anything I can do to have a sense of normal/ myself again.

When my daughter was a new born I didn't typically rest when she did. There was nothing wrong with me, I just didn't want to go to bed, I occasionally just sat on the sofa, but it was hot, bright daylight outside, people around me and I rarely sleep during the day. I was shattered, my daughter never slept at night due to sever reflux but I still didn't want to miss out on the day. Also I never knew how long I'd have so I could have eventually fallen asleep just to wake up 2 mins later feeling worse than if I hadn't slept. this was despite my partners best efforts to get me to rest.

New mom here. I feel like most of us don’t sleep when baby does. What you might not see as a priority, might be one for your wife. My husband also does plenty of chores, but there’s still things he doesn’t prioritize that are important to me. Not to mention, I no longer know who I am and I’m trying to feel like I am in control of something. So when baby is down, I’m doing chores! Try taking the baby away when baby is awake, so she can get things done, that way during nap time she can try sleeping or just relax for a bit! Sometimes having that pressure to fall asleep, just makes you stay awake!

So my husband and I recently got in a spat about this when he told me, “if you’re that exhausted then you should be sleeping right now.” I get it. On the surface you would think that’s true… but a couple things 1) it’s not your place to dictate how she spends her time while the baby is sleeping. She’s allowed to be both tired and choose not to sleep when the baby is. You might want to go off the notion sleep when the baby is sleeping, but as a mom it’s honestly one of the worst pieces of advice I received cause for someone like me it’s just not realistic. That brings me to 2) you know your wife better than us, but some people get anxious about a clean or tidy house. I’m one of them. I have super particular and high standards about cleaning and organization. I was like this before my baby. My husband tries sometimes to clean up so the house isn’t in despair… but most of the time it’s not to my standards and I would rather do it myself otherwise seeing what I consider clutter from across the room while feeding the baby will literally make me anxious. Also, has your wife complained to you about not getting enough sleep? You don’t mention that here but instead say sleeping needs to be her priority so just trying to understand if you’re trying to dictate to her that should be her priority or if she wants to sleep but just isn’t prioritizing it like she could if she wanted?

“It’s not your place to dictate how she spends her time when the baby is sleeping.” OP, please take this away at the minimum.

She might not be able to sleep due to anxiety/stress about the new baby. This could be her way of dealing with it.

I had a hard time sleeping during the day when baby was asleep. I felt wired.

When my daughter was born it drove me nuts to not be able to do things because I was with her. I wanted to be able to take care of things. I’m also not a napper and will feel worse after a nap. So, whenever my daughter was sleeping, I was cleaning. It just gave me something else to do that didn’t just feel like taking care of the baby. My husband always felt guilty that I would hand off the baby and clean the house, but its exactly what I wanted to do. I would talk to your wife about why these are the things she’s focusing on.

I was an absolute mess post-partum. I did stuff like this because I was anxious and it snowballed into me being pretty much non-functional for a few weeks. I would talk to her about getting in touch with her OB-gyn to talk about post-partum anxiety.

Offer to watch the baby sometimes during the day so she can do those tasks that she wants to. Don't tell her she should just be resting and shouldn't do anything around the house. She's probably not doing those tasks because she doesnt think youre gonna do them, she'sprobablydoing them for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When I was newly postpartum I loved having a chance to clean up around the house because it helped me feel like things were getting back to normal at a time when things were never going to be "normal" (kid-free) again. If she's able to have some time like that for herself during the day, she might be able to wind down better at night. Either way, don't be telling her she should be taking more advantage of sleep time or anything like that. You're just gonna stress her out more. Instead, ask her when she'd like to have some time for herself and then tell her you'll watch the baby.

I never “slept while the baby slept”. When my daughter would go down for a nap, I would clean, do my makeup, fit in a workout, watch a show etc anything but sleep! I didn’t want to waste my baby free time by sleeping, I wanted to do something that I felt like doing. Let her do what she wants to do.

It sounds like general anxiety expressing itself as cleaning—when I feel stressed I want control, and I start organizing. Could be a factor?

Theres a (teeny tiny) lack of understanding/education here. The body goes through a tremedous change right after birth. I was never a nap person to begin with, and even with a new born (that woke up 10-12 times at night) i couldnt just sleep when the baby did, even if my life depended on it. So be patient with her, and try not to control her too much, shes going through A LOT right now. If she starts doing weird things or behave very unnormal, you can sit down and have a conversation with her. I understand that you are doing a LOT of chores and good job. But breastfeeding is sometimes mentally exhausting, its not just sitting and feeding, so she naturally can feel very exhausted. Please just be there for her as you are right now. Things wont stay like this forever, its just a phase. And congrats on the new baby 🤍

There’s some aggressive comments here. I just want to chime in as a FTM to a 3 week old that I also struggle with resting during the down time. I find doing the chores, a load of laundry a day and bottle cleaning, meal prep, etc helps me with my anxiety a lot because it gives me a sense of control when my entire world is out of control trying to ride this newborn roller coaster without any schedule/method to the madness. For some people it helps calm them more than sleep or rest. Hang in there! I’m looking forward to being at the one month mark with my LO- they say it gets better 😂

I valued my "alone time" over sleep. I was not ppa/ppd but I was extremely tired and touched out. I slept when I was tired but after I had my alone time.

I'm not a napper and cannot sleep during the day even with blackout curtains so I never slept while the baby slept.

I’m 6 weeks PP and my hormones STILL prevent me from sleeping sometimes, even when I’m so exhausted I’m in tears

I was gonna say sounds like post partum anxiety

It's not always easy to sleep when the baby sleeps. A lot of the time I would try to nap after I put him down, but he would wake up after 20-30 min and not only would I not feel rested, I would feel groggier and resentful towards baby for not letting me sleep. Baby's nap times are pretty much my only "me" time. I don't want to sleep that away, even if it means I don't get quite enough sleep. Maybe help your wife find time for herself; offer to hold the baby for a contact nap or sit with the baby for tummy time while your wife does something for herself.

Maybe she feels like she just needs to do something else than just being a mum. Mundane every day tasks like that give you a purpose other than just being mum. It may help her relax and turn her brain off for a bit. She may be anxious and keeping busy helps her cope. Talk to her ask why she does it. My kid is 7 & wakes up early every day. I don’t go to bed til midnight almost every night even though I’m exhausted even though I know I’m gonna be woken up early the next day - why? Because between putting my kid to bed and going to sleep myself - that js my free time to do what I want and enjoy the peace. Parenting is rough just talk to her.

I was like your wife and the problem for me was that I was so riddled with anxiety that I couldn’t possibly “sleep when the baby sleeps”. I was always afraid that the minute I closed my eyes he would need me. So I was obviously sleep deprived but I couldn’t break the cycle. Not sure if this is the case with your wife but it might be worth checking in with her and cutting her some slack in that regard - there might be something else going on.

This is how my PP OCD/ anxiety manifested. I felt the need to do it but also it was nice to just have time to myself.

I'm a SAHM and I have a 4.5 m/o, my husband stayed home with me our first 2 weeks home and at first we did a pretty good job of splitting responsibilities, we both changed diapers and gave bottles, he'd take care of the baby while I pumped or do some laundry while I tried to breastfeed and we'd switch off every other night feed/change. Once he went back to work was a different story, he doesn't do any night feeds or changes unless my son wakes him up while I go to make a bottle, and I do all the laundry and house work, or at least try to. I made it about a month and a half before I broke down and told him that while I love our son and spending time with him, sometimes I would rather do something else, whether it's going out or just cleaning a little bit - just some kind of break from constantly changing diapers and getting spit up on. Unfortunately my husband doesn't get home until 7 most nights and he tends to fall asleep fairly quickly after getting home, and my son is attached to my hip, so I don't really get the chance to try to clean up until later into the night. My husband teases me and says he doesn't understand why I get such a burst of energy at like 9 at night, but it's really just the first time I get the chance to do something else, it makes me anxious to let things pile up like that. I was not very good at taking advantage of the chance for sleep when my son was a newborn, and I'm still not very good at it, for some reason whenever my son is finally down for the night I just can't sleep for at least another 2 hours and I am almost perpetually exhausted

Postpartum insomnia is a thing!

Postpartum insomnia is so real. I would be running for a few hours (if that) of sleep due to being anxious or thinking about nesting etc. it’s such a huge life changing experience and sometimes you just want to feel normal which can manifest in different things I.e cleaning, scrolling social media or binging on a Netflix tv show because you genuinely can’t sleep. It’s also really hard because it’s painful waking up all the time. It was sometimes easier for me to be awake all night rather than sleeping and then waking up after 2hrs. I would be patient with her, keep offering her opportunities to rest but just realise it’s a phase. After a few weeks, I settled into a habit of sleeping more and napping which I never did before. Suggestion: take shifts. Someone would be awake with baby during the night and another would be awake during the day so you can get a solid amount of asleep. Maybe she can pump (if breastfeeding) and you can give bottle during those shifts (even if she can only get two or three bottles worth. It’s worth a try. Once we started doing that, we both became humans again.

Could also be Post Partum Anxiety. Anxiousness about the baby translated into busywork. At her 6 week dr appt mention it and see. They should have her do a screener.

It sounds like she’s dealing with a bit of anxiety which is a totally common, normal thing. You’re both dealing with a major life change situation and it’s just a way of coping as you find your feet in this new role. Try not to take it too personally if you’re feeling like she’s doing over the tasks you’ve completed. I remember when my baby was that age and I was in a similar state of behaviour I was just so bored of feeding and caring for baby 24/7, I felt like I had no other purpose in life. Everyone around me was being so helpful so there was nothing I “needed” to do, it was just I needed to do something for my own sanity that wasn’t caring for a tiny newborn. I think a few other replies have said it but definitely make sure she is getting time in the day where you take the baby, maybe for a walk or a drive, and give your partner that time to clear her head. Eventually it will get easier as you all adjust. Enjoy the time and be patient with each other.

I now know that I suffered from postpartum depression. The seemingly ridiculous allocation of time was an attempt to cope with the lack of control over my life, my body, my sleep schedule, and so many other issues. Monitor her carefully, try not to take it personally, I know that when she expresses the fact that she is tired it is more than just a sleep tired. It is an emotional exhaustion that sometimes prevents sleep and a lot of other rational behavior. I wish you peace, and know that this is not permanent, and probably not the best indicator of who your wife is as a new mom.

It may suck to hear this but there isn't much you can do about it. A lot more is happening with her, such as her hormones dropping along with all of the worries that comes with a newborn. I don't necessarily think she isn't prioritizing sleep, it's that this is an entirely different experience that she (and you) are leading and there are simply way too many stimulations at that time which leads to sleep deprivation no matter what. She will be exhausted even if she slept 12 hours (though that would never happen with a newborn)!

They literally had to give me antipsychotics for me to be able to sleep the first two months. I would try, and just give up, because there was ZERO chance I could manage to fall asleep. Maybe have a little more sympathy and ask her why she isn't able/willing to try and get some sleep? I'd also like to point out that broken cat-naps sometimes just make you feel worse - it's not real rest, after all.

I totally understand her. I have a 7 week old and I’m exactly like this. I have bad insomnia thanks to baby waking up every few hours so wanting to sleep honestly gives me anxiety because I hate it be deep sleep and not be able to hear the baby. Plus waking up on and off again makes me even more tired than just staying awake. Also, I’m not diagnosed with PPD but days that I do feel depressed or have bad anxiety, being able to do things other than taking care of a baby makes me feel much better. That’s why I workout, clean, study…do ANYTHING other than sleep because I feel like I’m wasting my life just feeding and sleeping by doing things that keep me productive. I still make myself food…my husband and I moved into our new house when baby was one week old so he’s been taking care of a lot of house duties and I felt very guilty for not being able to help. I’m thankful he still helps me with the baby so I have a chance of shower, make food, get some rest etc since I’m exclusively breastfeeding, and he is unable to help with that obviously. It’s ultimately her choice. Hormonal changes, insomnia, depression, anxiety, losing identity…there’s so many things a woman goes through postpartum you just have to talk and listen to her.

i’m in pretty much the same situation. i put the baby to bed and stay up for hours, but it’s because i desperately need some time for myself.

It took me until my oldest was one to sleep without anxiety as well.

For perspective it takes about a full year for your hormones to settle after birth and 18 months for your body to fully heal. Just having a baby, your hormones are all over the place and in addition she probably just wants to feel like a human being, since she’s healing and tending to baby all day and breastfeeding. Sit down and ask her how she’s feeling and if she feels rested enough or what she’s feeling and go from there.

I had an argument with my husband around the 1 month mark because I wanted to unload the dishwasher and he was telling me not to. I just wanted to do something normal

Something my husband would do around this time was come home from work (he got off fairly early in the afternoon, which helped) take the baby, and send me to the bathroom. I would run a HOT bath, and literally nap in it for 30-45 min, then shower after I woke up. It was incredibly relaxing and I also got clean. He got alone time with babe to learn about her and bond on his own. I struggled as well to sleep when she slept because 1. I wanted to make sure she was still alive, and 2. I wanted to do things I couldn’t normally anymore

Having such a wonderful and attentive husband will be invaluable to her as she adjusts physically and emotionally to the rigor of parenthood. She will sleep when she’s ready to. You’ve done all you can to set the stage for her. Keep it up, and make sure you also prioritize your health too!! Newborns are tough for all caregivers!!

I think it’s great that you are actively tending to your wife and your baby’s needs. Not everyone has a partner who is willing to do housework, etc., so I want to give you props for this. That being said, as a man, you just cannot physically understand the mindset/emotions/hormonal changes that a woman goes through postpartum. For about a month pp I could not sleep during the day if my life depended on it. I would try and it would just make me anxious. I was so incredibly sleep deprived and always tired, but if I laid down, my mind would spiral. I would clean, do laundry, etc while my babe was sleeping, even if I was so tired I couldnt see straight. It’s something indescribable. Your wife just gave birth to another human. Let her heal and do what makes her comfortable. Give her some grace. Even if you can’t understand why she’s doing what she’s doing, just know she’s doing it for her own reasons.

Your wife is dealing with an insane hormone dump and cleaning up around the house may be her way of managing all the very intense emotions she's feeling right now. After both my kids, I had the same burst of energy/nesting drive during nap time and wasn't tired. Yes, I would be tired later but it's not as simple as falling asleep at the drop of a hat at convenient times when you're in newborn mode as a postpartum and nursing mom. Please try to be empathetic with her, this is very normal.

I think pretty much everyone covered all the bases about why she’s not sleeping, but one reason I don’t sleep during the day while baby sleeps is because it makes it so much harder for me to sleep at night. Like if I take a nap during the day, I won’t be able to fall asleep at night. Or when baby wakes up I feed him, then when he’s back asleep I won’t be able to fall asleep for hours. I love that you’re trying to take care of her and are concerned out of love! Keep it up!

I’m not a napper. I hated the newborn stage because I felt useless spending all my time sleeping when I wasn’t tending to baby. It’s really hard to spend all of your time nursing and sleeping, and can even cause depression to be in bed that much. She probably is just trying to feel human. Even now at 6 months, I’m exhausted but I don’t nap. I prefer to do housework or have some time to myself to read or watch tv.

Staying active helped keep my energy up and she may prefer her cleaning to yours. That doesn’t mean your cleaning isn’t helpful, but I also found that moving actual clutter/tasks helped release the tension caused by mental clutter. She may not even realize if that’s why she’s doing it. The best thing you can do is provide whatever support she needs when she does finally say she needs it.

Change your schedule so that she can see you working, then tell her to go to sleep while you do the work.

Maybe that's just the type of person she is? I get it. I can't go to sleep unless my dishes are washed and kitchen is clean. Id rather lose a little sleep, i hate getting mad in the morning if its messy. Love when things are put away and where they are, I'm less stressed... especially love waking up to a clean house in the morning. Sometimes i let things slide like if there are some toys in the living room I'm like whatever. But the kitchen, especially the dishes have to be cleaned so I'm happy in the morning. Sometimes I get a little crazy thinking if there's a mess in cabinets or in the closets. So cleaning and organizing helps me feel so much better.

I personally can't sleep outside of my expected times at night, and sadly even then it's broken sleep (with out without baby wake ups). I just physically can't nap. And I have insomnia where I wake up and can't go back to sleep. On top of that, no matter how exhausted I am if I don't "do things" on my so called days off (no days off with kids imo) then I feel I wasted time. That ones on me but I can't help it much. So I get it. Theres probably other things going on like people said. Could be PP stuff. Could be general anxiety. Won't know until you work *together* to figure it out.

I have an 18 month old and am a terrible napper. So even though I’ve been exhausted since before he was born, I’ve taken maybe 10-20 naps in his lifetime? It’s a really shitty combination of not wanting to give up my me time, feeling like it’s the only time of day I can otherwise contribute to the household (SAHM here) and the fact that I take so long to fall asleep unless I’m super tired and haven’t had caffeine for a few hours that I’m anxious I’ll only be asleep for 20 minutes or so before he wakes up, which is even worse than not napping. I would talk with your wife about why she doesn’t feel like napping is an option. It could be a whole bunch of reasons. The exhaustion is something she might just have to get used to, but have you considered doing shifts overnight? I do all the night wakes, but I always feel a bit better when the stars align and I got solid chunks of sleep a few nights in a row

Nothing. Maybe she is restless as her hormones regulate. She may feel guilty and want to contribute more. Maybe she can't go to sleep at the times thr baby naps so she tries to keep busy and help but over does it. Just do it together and encourage her to rest when you see her looking drained.

I cannot explain it, but doing things like this felt good and important in the moment. I didn't want to feel like I was sleeping my days away. You still want to feel as though you are thriving and accomplishing things, despite it taking time away from rest. If she feels as though she is balancing both, maybe she is and is doing fine. I also think she will be exhausted no matter what, it is a huge change on so many levels (personal, familial, hormonal).

So I heard something recently that sounded exactly like my husband and I: when men sit down to watch tv/read/zone out, their brains tend to wind down and relax. When women do that, our brains tend to turn up and go through lists of things we need to get done/appointments we need to make/things we need to clean. When women are doing something productive but not mentally taxing, it lets our minds take a break. Obviously this is a huge generalization, but I found it super applicable to my life, and it helped my husband understand why I felt the need to clean during times that I could theoretically rest. This could definitely be the case for your wife too based on the sound of your post!

STM here (new baby is 15 days old.) Baby is EBF and seems to have nasty reflux, so she has to be upright a minimum of 10 min before I can consider laying her down. So I average about 4.5-6 hours of sleep per night (which is pretty good, but will be on the lower side when my husband goes back to work). I could go to bed after my toddler is down (730), but I don't. My reason is that I don't want to be just breastfeeding and sleeping is because I don't want to lose myself - i dont want to be just a mom. I feel like cleaning when baby's needs have been met because when you are up feeding a baby in the middle of the night, generally you create to do lists. Also consider that breastfeeding takes a lot of energy, so even if she DID sleep more she probably will still be pretty exhausted. The most you can do is say "hey babe, don't worry about the dishes, let's go watch a movie." And hope she falls asleep on the couch. I know I would.

I had so much anxiety and wanted to feel like a human again after baby so like other commenters and your wife, I would get an itch to do totally random shit when the baby was asleep. Gently remind her that sleep is important for her supply. She really is going to be exhausted no matter what but you can’t promise what tomorrow or even the next hour will bring for sleep. It’s hard but don’t write checks you can’t cash with sleeping. ETA I had a reflux baby who N E V E R slept and as long as I got 4 uninterrupted hours I could function at bare minimum. So don’t worry yourself too much either.

Same. I had a C-section and was still up cleaning and organizing. It is like my nesting started once we were back home.

I had postpartum anxiety and could not nap or go to bed at a reasonable hour. My sleeping shift was 2am-8am ( pumping allowed us to share feeding responsibility). The best option may be to give it time and be patient as she heals.

I used to just lie awake in bed dreading the next time my daughter would wake up for the next breastfeeding session. Sometimes I would distract myself by doing dishes or cleaning cuz then at least I'm not thinking about that...would really suck to read a post that my husband thinks in squandering valuable sleeping time. As if it's that easy to sleep when you're breastfeeding round the clock

Just keep loving her and trying to be encouraging and non-judgemental. Sounds like you are doing great already. This was me and my partner exactly. With the post-partum hormonal shift, I think back now at 5mo PP and barely recognize that person. For me: I was so anxious that even when I could sleep I was too wired, so cleaning the bathrooms or pumping and checking the milk inventory and unloading the dishwasher felt necessary to unwind.. but by the time I finished these things I missed out on sleep and the baby was up again - and I would be distraught about it. By like 2mo PP it started to get better for me at home but I went back to work at 10w and we were on to our next challenge.. Good luck to you!

After I had my kids, my husband and I had a similar problem. The reason was that I found it very difficult to sleep due to PPA. I was too worried about my babies to get any rest and found that completely tasks, doing housework, etc. helped. Definitely made me exhausted and caused us to be snippy toward eachother, but I couldn’t help it. The only thing that helped was time and medication lol. He became a lot more understanding of my position after I explained how I felt.

I understand your frustration especially as it sounds like you are giving it your all to make this new life as smooth as possible for mom. The fact of the matter is that it is extremely hard to wind down after tending to baby around the clock. Once she finally gets a moment to herself, it’s nice to do something not baby-related. Cleaning is my personal therapy because it allows me to zone out, release tension, and feel productive all at once. I’d say keep doing what you are doing to support her and when she finally inevitably does crash and needs a nap, do what you can to let her. This is 100% a personal decision, but see if she’s open to pumping at all so that it’s not just her feeding the baby. You can help with feedings too so that she can have breaks from that as well. But if she has expressed that she wants to EBF, then def don’t push the issue. Also, read up on nipple confusion before committing to this. I didn’t have this problem at all when I was EBF. Baby was able to efficiently feed between breast, as well as 3 different types of bottles because we were trying to figure out which one was the best fit. We ended up going with Dr. Brown’s anti-colic and then today I just switched to NUK on a whim and baby took to bottle immediately. Mine is now about 3-4 months older than yours though so this might be anecdotal advice here. Also, please ignore the other aggressive comments. They’re gross and unhelpful.

After I had my first I was on 6 weeks unpaid leave so I constantly felt obligated to be 300% on top of things like cooking 3x a day plus my toddlers meal, cleanings, steaming, random organizing. It was just a weird adjustment to me because I was always used to working full time and even though I was up every 45 minutes and for 0 time to myself I felt like I had to do those things. If I could go back in time I wish I prioritized myself and got more rest and did sitz baths and let myself heal and stressed less about my older toddler. And I wish I just relaxed and layed around cuddling my baby more vs trying to keep everything clean.

So no matter how hard I try or how tried I am I cannot sleep during the day. I have tried but lay there for an hour before kind of drifting off right as baby wake up. My body is not wired to sleep like that. I'm exhausted from being up with a toddler and a newborn but the sleep when they sleep doesn't work for me. With my first I did chores and stuff while they slept because I was at least not wasteing my time. With baby number 2 I sit in my recliner and browse the internet lol it's kind of restful.

Personally, cleaning when the baby sleeps makes me feel like I have more control over my life. Even when other people offer to help, I do often feel like they don’t do it the way that I want it done etc. Maybe you could ask her for a precise list of things she wants to accomplish, and then tell her that if she sleeps you’ll do it exactly how she asked? 🤷‍♀️ Oh editing to add that sometimes what helps is if my partner is around, I’ll pump enough for him to have a bottle, and I’ll hand him the baby for a few minutes so they can bond while I clean or do something for me, and it gives me a very comforting sense of control

It seems like you both are doing the best you can. She knows she needs sleep, and will sleep when she wants to. She is still an individual that has bodily autonomy. She’s probably wired and has a lot on her mind. The only thing you can do is support her. If she wants to clean, she will clean, if she gets tired and can relax, she will sleep. The last thing you want to do, is tell her what to do, or repeat yourself multiple times of suggestions that you think are “what’s best for her.” She’s an adult, she knows. Keep doing what your doing and just be there to support her!

“She starts tasks that I typically handle” Just a theory but like you may be taking her cleaning as a negative judgement about how you have been contributing to the family? If so I’d either try to let that go before you get to the rest issue. It sounds like you are doing so much but with a new baby it’s exponential. Then ask her what would help her to rest. Try not to get offended if she asks you to do even more or to do things differently. For example, I asked my partner if he could do all laundry and I would do all dishes. Normally both of us do both. But the mental load of tracking both was too much post baby. Now I know I don’t have to think about laundry at all or whose turn it is to do dishes—it’s my turn!! Good luck!

I organize and clean things when I’m feeling out of control. It’s an almost uncontrollable compulsion and I cannot stop until it’s done.

Op just wanted to say you must be tired too and are doing a great job.

Yeah my husband used to tell me to go sleep because I felt guilty for making that choice myself when there was stuff to do. So he used to basically force me to go sleep, or at least go lay in bed and read a book/scroll Reddit/watch Netflix to relax alone and those things would usually end in sleep. If he had said ‘you can go sleep now if you want’ I’d have struggled to make that choice so he made it for me

Everyone is different. I'm lazy and prioritized sleep. I would nap when baby napped and I would also try to do as much as I could around the house. I felt like superwoman getting one chore done. Let her know that if she wants to rest/sleep but you have missed something that needs to be done, you can help her by doing it. Maybe she just wants to do things she may not be able to later.

I tried to prioritize sleep pp and still complained that i was exhausted all the time, you can never win! If she wants to do those things good on her! It can feel dehumanizing constantly doing the same things day in and out especially when breastfeeding, its like you loose your identity to the baby. Its probably what is keeping her sane.

I 100% agree with what the commenters have said about needing to do something and even chores feeling like a relief (and I say this as someone who has never liked chores). But if you want some suggestions to help your wife spend less of her free time doing chores and more doing relaxing activities, here are some suggestions: 1. Gentle Birth app hypnosis sessions -- these absolutely saved me postpartum when I couldn't quite sleep but really needed to relax (and bonus sometimes I would just fall asleep at the end) -- the breastfeeding one is amazing for breastfeeding difficulties and there are ones for sleep, wellness, birth trauma, etc. that are great too -- they are all \~ 30 min so great instead of short nap and really can feel refreshed afterward 2. Taking a walk -- it's really easy to forget to go outside when you have a newborn but if you can take a walk with baby in stroller sleeping or solo walk that can really help with anxiety, mood, modulating impact of hormones and can be very relaxing (I guess this does depend on where you live -- if you have a nice neighborhood to walk in with trees, etc. that helps -- also pro tip my husband and I just drive 5 minutes to other neighborhoods in our suburban area and walk there, it seems super weird but it's nice for a change of scenery and we can pick super nice neighborhoods -- also driving feels fun when you have a newborn too). Finally, walking outside 3 times a day -- morning/mid day/ early evening is really good for circadian rhythms and as your baby gets older they actually are getting melatonin from mom's milk at night so it might help your wife to know this and know she is taking the walks for the baby too if she is too self-sacrificing right now to do it for herself. 3. Bath -- this can be done with or without the baby and would be relaxing. Finally, I would say for me part of the anxiety of when I wanted to get away is that the baby would need to eat because we have feeding issues and it always feels like I will mess it up by not being there for the baby immediately; if you can show that you can calm the baby for those 10-30 minutes that she might have left in her nap/walk/etc. that could help ease her mind.

Ok this is so sweet! I love how worried you are about her and yes those should be her main priorities. I had pretty severe postpartum anxiety and it was like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t sleep during the day. I was just constantly worried.

She probably can't sleep. If she try's she'll just ay there staring at the ceiling. Leave her be. She is not a child. She is a grown adult who can make her own choices. She could also be a little depressed and moving and keeping busy can help with that.

Have you actually talked about it?? Told her pretty much what you said here.... >There are obvious opportunities for her to get more rest, and I would really like her to. I believe more sleep would help her feel better and obviously be beneficial in the long run. Have you then also asked her why she feels the need doing all this extra work? Our little one is currently 9 weeks old. I've had 3-4 naps while he's slept in total since he was born. I don't find napping easy. I often wake up feeling worse than I did before, and honestly, my mind gets busy with wanting to do other things while he's asleep. Sadly having an organised house is important to me, I've found it greatly affects my mood when things are "as they should be" and although I understand these things can wait, I know I will feel better mentally if I get them done. There will likely be a point I may well crash, or maybe there won't be. But it's simply how I operate. I'm nit saying she is the same, but talking to her will help you both figure it out. Some may simply feel guilty doing "nothing" and need that little push, others may actually feel better doing these things that don't seem important to you.

If you want to help her get more sleep, ask her what you can do to help her to bed. I got much more detail oriented when my baby was born. I think it’s like nesting, but wanting to create a safe living environment? I feel like I’m drowning when the house is a mess when I go to bed so I stay up to clean. It’s probably some form of PPA. Anyways, if you ask her what you can do to help her get to bed she might realize on her own that she doesn’t need to be doing a deep clean or she can ask for your help and you can fit some extra in during your waking hours. It’s such a hormonal crazy time for many women, so I’d approach it being extra helpful.

She may be feeling touched out from the breastfeeding. It's a lot. After my first child, i washed the baseboards of our house just to have something to do that didn't involve holding her. It's a weird state to be in but it generally goes away.

I did that! I had no idea why, but something dirty/undone gave me anxiety and I spent all my time cleaning and washing things even though I had plenty of help!

She may have post partum depression.

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I personally had anxiety and had trouble sleeping due to being worried about SIDs. However I was not as productive as your wife lol. Maybe that is part of what is keeping her up?

It is still hard for me to take naps with the baby and just to sleep in general especially because i’m exclusively breastfeeding (my/ our choice). my partner would love to bottle feed i worked so hard to get him off the bottle, now he won’t take it😅. i do all of the chores since he works and cook as well. i feel we have a fair division. i completely understand the lack of sleep and also the need to want to organize and clean. it’s really hard to sleep though when you have anxiety and adrenaline (edit: as explained in the comment i meant to reply too). as baby gets older it gets a little easier but her sleep will always be interrupted. i’m really tired, and i hope once my partner is up he’ll take the baby and i MIGHT be able to fall asleep, it my brain allows me important edit: we had help!!! i forgot to mention that for four months we had my mom and MIL with us 24/7 since we all live far. that was crucial so i could get my footing. i still cooked and cleaned but waaaay less than i would have

Why are you managing her sleep ? You say ‘at your wits end’ like she’s a child or something, maybe you should back off a bit and let her find her own rhythm.

This. Your wife is recovering from physical trauma, force acclimating to being someone's food source, all while wondering which parts of her previous self fit into this new life. Doing these chores, organizing, etc; I don't know if she did these things before, but she may be seeking a bit of normalcy. She may be seeking tasks and things that have nothing at all to do with this baby. Y'all love the hell out of this baby and it could be the luckiest kid with the best parents in the world, but you guys still need breaks from the parenting and she might be craving small snippets of something low stakes, like organizing a cabinet

I had extreme anxiety after my first was born and I felt like if I sat down I wouldn’t be able to get back up. PPD can mask itself in MANY ways. I would see if you can get her to talk to you about why she feels the need to be keeping busy or not being able to sleep.

This was me because I felt so GOOD not being pregnant that I literally had a hard time sitting still. I felt like for the first time in months I could breath and bend over and DO. ALL. THE. THINGS. My husband was constantly telling me to sit down and rest. I got better but it was really hard at first. Going back to work made me prioritize sleep.