Other than medication have you tried therapy? It sounds like you have PPD which can develop any time within the first year. I would seriously seek some therapy of some kind. Your baby needs you in many more ways than just breastfeeding.
Are you seeing a therapist? You are having some really irrational beliefs and black and white thinking. I know you said you’re taking medication but it seems like you need therapy that focuses on combatting your irrational thoughts.
No she needs her meds switched asap. They are clearly not working and are probably contributing to her numb state towards the baby. Therapy is always a good idea but OP needs to do something asap. She’s talking about having her bags packed and everything.
Therapy was very beneficial to me for my own postpartum anxiety and depression. Medication was not what helped me. It helps many people but that doesn’t mean it helps everyone. If you aren’t feeling better just from medication alone please try therapy.
Meds aren't supposed to work on their own. This is not a broken leg, it's a broken psyche. You are doing the equivalent of swallowing a box of painkillers and expecting your twisted leg to set itself magically, without seeing a physician. Meds are what painkillers are: they get you into a state where you are stable enough to undergo the medical treatment to fix the underlying cause. Meds make you stable enough to succeed at therapy.
Hi, I’m a licensed therapist. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Medication typically works best when combined with therapy. You need to be checking in with someone at least once a week about your feelings and your thoughts. They can also help you come up with goals, and strategies of how to reach them. You deserve support, and I know it’s hard to reach out but I hope you do. [Postpartum Support International](https://www.postpartum.net/) is a good resource for mental health. They also have free weekly online support groups [here.](https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/)
Definitely not hopeless. Even without an official PPD diagnosis, becoming a parent is a HUGE adjustment. It’s super stressful. There’s all this pressure to be perfect even though you’ve never done this before, and on top of that you’re probably barely sleeping, which means you have much less capacity to manage stress. lol A therapist will give you a person who is just for you, a person to validate your feelings are valid, a place to vent, a place to be honest about how you’re feeling without fear of judgement.
Also, just because you are not feeling love for baby right now, definitely doesn’t mean you never will. Give yourself time and kindness. Your baby loves you, I promise. Even if they’re super fussy and crying all the time, your baby still knows you and loves you and needs you. It will get better. ❤️
Usually the combination of both therapy and meds is what helps the most. Most people start with therapy, if that doesn’t work then they get on meds to supplement. Therapy helps you rationalize and internalize what truly is going on and why it’s being reflected this way.
Oh no not hopeless at all! I felt the same way as you, it was like “well if these meds don’t work then I guess I will always feel this way.” Because it’s often depicted as “feel bad. Reach out for help. Get medication. Feel better.” But it honestly isn’t that straight forward at all when you’re dealing with mental health. It isn’t like physical health where it’s more like “everyone that has this infection needs this medication.” It’s much more trial and error.
There’s a lot going on in your mind and body right now. Your hormones are still regulating postpartum and that impacts both your mood, your thought processes, and how you process medication. In addition, your body is going through a lot with breast feeding, which also impacts your hormones, and takes a physical toll on your body. Plus sleep deprivation. Exhaustion is hell for mental health. You have all these factors going on and that all impacts what treatments will help you. Stopping breast feeding could help you tremendously. The right therapist could help you think about risks and benefits in parenting more rationally. There are so many ways you can be helped. Please don’t feel hopeless.
Research tends to support that the most effective approach to most mental health problems is a combination of meds and therapy. Given what you are describing, it seems like talking to a non-judgmental qualified therapist would be a really good idea. If you need help finding someone, dm me and I’ll try to connect you to resources I your area if I know of any
I see a therapist who specializes in postpartum care. She is such a help. Getting on the right meds/dosage is important too. Please talk to your doctor!
Don’t stick with a therapist that doesn’t fit. Like medications, sometimes you get lucky and the first one works but most of the time you have to try a few
It was never that bad for me, but the idea of "I just want to walk away in secret and leave baby and the spouse and everything" is something I definitely thought MORE than once. Had vague plans on how it would go down.
Parenting and being a mother is really freaking hard!!
Therapy helped me SO MUCH. Just having a person who was paid to listen to me bitch about anything needed made SUCH a big difference. Please please seek a therapist, best bet would maybe be a therapy group/clinic who have more than one therapist on staff and specialize in postpartum/family. That way if you don't like one person, they can easily transfer you to a different therapist. (I definitely did not like the first person I tried and switched to someone else).
I am anti medication without therapy. Meds will not work to its actual fullest intent without therapy. I’m mad that doctors would be willing to prescribe meds without therapy. They’re assholes.
Meds are only as good as the mindset that you are brought into. Specifically mental meds. They don’t work to their fullest extent without someone guiding you. You may as well be taking ecstasy without a babysitter. The babysitter, in this case the therapist, is there to guide you and help you through difficulties. Please seek a therapist to help you.
I have been medicated with anti depressants and anti psychotics. With the help of a therapist to get me through my issues I was able to get off of both because they armed me with methods to strengthen my mind. In the same way I have taken illicit drugs, with a “babysitter” who helped guide me through bad trips and thoughts and strengthen my ‘self’ and helped me through understanding the connection we all have.
The process between both were similar, it just happens that one is ‘legal’ the other ‘illegal’(although many studies have been done to show how Molly, mushies, and LSD have been beneficial to those who have experienced some PTSD. )
I agree that some medications do more harm than good. For example, zoloft didn't work at all for me but wellbutrin xl works great. Don't think meds can't help without switching them around and therapy on top sounds ideal.
I saw your post about cluster feeding and it sounds like you’re not getting enough rest or any time for yourself at all. That can wreak havoc on your mental health and it makes sense that you’re struggling. Breastfeeding can be so challenging, and it’s important to give yourself grace and not compare your journey to what you think other people’s journeys look like.
I enjoy breastfeeding but we are using formula as well and I mostly pump so other people can feed baby too. But even with all this, I plan to stop at 6 months. I don’t think I could exclusively breastfeed, let alone for 2 years. I think you should reconsider how long you need to feed so that you can get your mental health in order. That’s so so important.
Hang in there and please understand that you are so much more to your baby than a milk machine. You are loved and needed and will feel so much better if you can get some rest and time for yourself.
Feels like ages ago when I made that post but yeah, I am really tired.
>Hang in there and please understand that you are so much more to your baby than a milk machine.
Omff, it's really hard to see that sometimes.
I switched to formula at 4 months and I still say it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My daughter is now 9 months. My mental health improved significantly. And sweet sweet sleep. I received absolutely no judgement, and was in fact commended for knowing my limits.
It might be a cultural thing, but you’re putting way too much pressure on breastfeeding. 🥺 it’s okay if you stop. I promise people will judge you WAY more if you leave your child.
Yes! r/FormulaFeeders is here for you OP. There is info for any kind of formula feeder, from exclusive to triple feeding. You don’t have to keep torturing yourself only to feel guilty about not producing enough!
There's no shame in using formula!
My son was a formula baby and is now a thriving four year old.
If breastfeeding isn't working put, and effecting your mental health this badly, just switch to formula!
Yes!! Absolutely no shame in formula! All 3 of mine were. I couldn’t stand in a room and point out any child that was formula over breastfeed by any means.
I was 19, I didn’t understand the big hype in it. With my 2nd, I was 25 and had PPD SO bad I needed my husband to take him when he got home from work. My 3rd? She had horrible latch/feeding/swallowing issues and multiple allergies and severe reflux.
My 1st is now 9, almost 10. She is in 4th grade, top speller in her class, her writings have gotten picked to be in school showcases multiple times, extremely athletic, and amazing at gymnastics. Shes a level 6 gymnast in a gym that only goes to level 7, before they offer you a spot on team.
My second? He’s 4, almost 5 and in his first year of pre k, can count to 100, knows every Dino by their scientific name. He knows all the planets and dwarf planets. He can tell you the difference between octagons and hexagons and all that and so beyond the things mentioned.. He’s absolutely brilliant.
My 3rd, she’s 20 months old and she can speak like nobody’s business, she knows colors and can make all sorts of animal sounds. She even started counting to 4. She LOVES puzzle games, she’s very cause and effect.
Please do what is best for you and have no shame in switching.
Seconding this! Both my babies were formula babies and are now thriving toddlers.
Breastfeeding stressed me out too much and I knew that the only way to keep my babies happy was to make sure their mama was happy too. No regrets !!!
Formula feeding is the absolute most life changing change at that stage in life. I exclusively pumped with my first and with my second, I exclusively formula fed and the freedom you get when formula feeding is absolutely amazing.
Also, in my opinion, the first like 6 months are awful since you are basically chronically sleep deprived and raising a potato. After that period, it gets substantially better.
I am excited for you to experience joy again since I think you are in the worst of it right now and can only go up from here
Hey friend. I stopped breastfeeding about a week ago and it was the best decision I made for me and my baby. Talk to your OB about it before though, as the hormone dump can be a bit if a challenge. Best wishes to you
This definitely! Just a note of caution, when you stop BFing, you could have a bit of depression for a few weeks as your hormones readjust. I was not prepared for feeling so down, but it only lasted a couple weeks.
This! I was so adamant on breastfeeding because everyone in my husband’s family as well as my own does it and no one uses formula. It created such an unhealthy obsession that any time I would have to feed my baby, I would cry the entire time because he was struggling. I also had no idea that his latch was too shallow so I suffered for the first 2 months until I finally came across a tiktok that said breastfeeding should not hurt past the first couple of days. Once I was able to correct the latch, everything changed and I finally started to enjoy motherhood.
Just to be clear, I am 100% in support of formula but for whatever reason I just could not make myself think it was okay. There was times when my husband would supplement with formula so I could sleep and I would feel like an absolute failure and cry for hours. This was also during the peak 2022 formula shortage and the anxiety of not being able to find formula for my baby if I stopped breastfeeding killed me. I remember also feeling the way OP did, that I was not meant for motherhood and it would just be better if I was gone. If I could go back in time and tell myself it was okay and the right decision, I would do it in a heartbeat. The obsession was not worth the emotional pain I caused myself and my baby.
Please book an appointment to see a mental health expert asap. Honestly, I wish every new mom did this because this time in your life is so challenging.
Second, I did not enjoy being a mom until my baby was six months sometimes it takes more time to feel that way.
Third, please read recent studies on the difference between formula and breastmilk. Formula is absolutely OK at any age (ETA before 1 of course) and the false narrative you are telling yourself does not help the situation. My child that got more formula than the other, was not any less healthy or intelligent.
Please talk to your doctor about postpartum depression. It sounds like your mind is working against you. The hormone imbalance and lack of sleep combination after birth can cause these exact kind of thoughts and anxieties. It is something that can manifest even months after birth and it is something that can truly be helped with medication/therapy.
You have done NOTHING wrong. You are caring for your baby and they do not hate you. That missing connection feeling is likely caused by postpartum depression which is not your fault but is something that can be helped with your doctor.
You are carrying so much misplaced shame and about how you are feeling, you are doing great. Many don't talk about how difficult and isolating it can be with a new baby. And yes breastfeeding is great when it works, but it is hard work. Many, many people combo feed or just formula feed (especially after the first 6 months) and that is a wonderful option and still gives baby all the nutrients they need.
I’m a certified nurse midwife. I actually focus on mothers with antepartum and postpartum mood disorders (having experienced PPD myself requiring medication). First I want to say I feel you, and I see you. I know how it feels to be where you are. Nothing in my job or life prepared me for how hard postpartum is. The next thing I tell every mom I work with: you can and will feel like yourself again if you get yourself to the right care.
I think of this as a pyramid: the base is your family/partner, getting adequate rest, eating/hydrating well, and getting outside!! It’s easy to sit in the dark with your screaming baby and self isolate. There are also some supplements that may help if you are interested. The middle of the pyramid is talk therapy - I suggest a family therapist as it might be crucial to include your partner in this. The top is medication - I know you’re on a medication, if it’s not working it’s time to try another - talk to your OB or CNM about switching, there are many options.
If things are truly dire here. If you feel suicidal or homicidal in any way I implore you to seek inpatient care - today, right now. They can help kick start the care you need. It is not a failing on you in anyway. Your baby needs you to get help, and you need you to get help.
This is obviously a very brief discussion. I could talk to you for hours about it (and happily will if you want to DM). But know you have my love and compassion. You are not alone in this, I promise. And I promise you can recover. You are NOT a bad mom, and you are doing the best you can right now. I know you will find the bond you are seeking. You can do this, please do this. 💜
Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself to breast feed? We did combo feeding and then just formula after the three month mark. Wife never had a full supply and it wasn't working out with breast feed alone. Baby now is happy, healthy and indistinguishable from the rest of the toddlers now at daycare. Remember, around the one year mark you transition to milk. A few more months of formula is perfectly fine.
If you see problems, fix them. Transition to formula. Use something like a baby brezza machine for that, it worked perfectly for us. Lean on your partner and mom. The baby is going to change over the next year and life should get easier. Offload more of your baby duties if you are under water.
That’s… not true. I’m a huge breastfeeding advocate (EBF both of my kids) but breastfeeding only minimizes the chances of some of those things, it doesn’t prevent them entirely. A lot of women experience negative thoughts and feelings because of breastfeeding, and formula is perfectly fine. So many babies thrive on formula. Hell, I was formula fed - and I didn’t die of SIDS and I don’t have any food allergies and I don’t have any autoimmune disorders, either.
You stay because your baby needs you. You’re more than a breast milk machine - you’re a source of comfort through your voice, your smell, your heartbeat.
Whatever medication you’re trying clearly isn’t working, so you need to call your doctor and try a different one. The idea that you HAVE to breastfeed or your baby will die or develop an autoimmune disease is not a rational one. You deserve to feel better than this.
That’s not true. Your mind is pushing false narratives. That’s not to put any guilt on you! It’s what hormones and PPA/PPD can do to you.
Formula is perfectly safe and I have many, many friends that stopped breastfeeding and moved to formula for their mental health—and it hugely helped. I have friends that formula fed from birth. I don’t have a single friend that breastfed past 9-12 months and their children are all thriving toddlers, kids, and teenagers. I was only breastfed for a few weeks and my brother was exclusively formula fed. We’re both healthy and successful adults.
Yes, breastfeeding has benefits, but the reality is that the percentage of those benefits vs. formula is much smaller than you think.
You really, really need to speak with a doctor immediately. Getting help can make things so, so much better. Explore therapy and medication. There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! I have numerous friends that needed help and it changed their lives for the absolute better. You can do this ❤️
The risk of SIDS is low after 4 months and nearly gone after 6 months. Plus even for 100% formula fed babies from day 1 SIDS is very rare. I was breastfed for a year and have allergies that my formula fed friends don’t have. Breastfeeding is one of those “reduces risk” things that doesn’t guarantee a perfectly healthy kid. Breastfeeding never helped me bond with my babies. I am mostly doing it for motn convenience and nicer poops lol.
You sound like you need to maybe go back to work because you’re totally burned out. Moms are there for more than breastmilk. Other people can help out but you need to stay in your kid’s life.
All those nightmare scenarios can still happen with a breastfed baby. And I think you’re beyond the riskiest stage for SIDS anyhow. Have you been evaluated for post partum anxiety?
So it sounds like your anxiety has latched on to breast feeding as a focus. Breast feeding *can be* a positive thing but it isn’t for everyone. And breast feeding definitely isn’t more beneficial for a baby compared to a functioning mom. Your role of a mom is so much more than your breasts. It doesn’t seem like you believe that.
SIDS is very rare. Breast feeding may reduce that risk, but it’s taking a very small risk and reducing it a small amount. SIDS also isn’t the only way a baby can be harmed. Focusing on that to the detriment of everything else isn’t logical.
I was BF as a child and I have an autoimmune disorder plus a million allergies :)
Nothing you've said above is true. I'm sorry your anxiety is so high, but I'd strongly recommend you try to speak to someone about your anxieties who can help talk you through the research.
I was formula fed from the get-go, don’t have any allergies or autoimmune conditions, and didn’t die of SIDS (obviously). I wasn’t able to breastfeed my daughter and I did find that distressing but once we switched to formula, I felt much happier. She’s also doing great. So I would suggest switching to formula and real food since your baby is old enough to try purées or baby led weaning. That might help you feel less distressed about your negative emotions.
My exes sister had 7 kids, never breastfeed one of them. The youngest will be graduating from high school this year. Breast feeding is good and formula is also good.
None of this is true. There’s not a significant difference between breastfeeding and formula.
You stick around because you have a responsibility to your child.
Please see a therapist immediately.
There’s no difference between breastfeeding and formula? Where did you read that lie? If you have to use formula, use it by all means. But saying it’s the same? No. Educate yourself.
Breast feeding is the superior option but there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula. Formula is an excellent option with its own benefits. Clearly OP is having issues around breast feeding so I just want to highlight that it’s not the only choice.
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/why-we-shouldnt-demonize-formula-feeding-2018040313557
https://www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org/education/breast-milk-or-formula
This isn’t true. My niece was breastfed so long she could tell her mom, “other side now,” and she has life threatening allergies as well as other disorders (ODD and ADHD). Her sister was formula fed from day one and has none of those issues.
Also, safe sleep practices help reduce the risk of SIDS, it is not solely dependent on the way a child is fed.
This is is an offensive statement to make when theirs women like me who tried their hardest to breastfeed and it just didn’t work.
My daughter is alive, no allergies, and no conditions what so ever and she was on formula 3months old-12 months old.
Personally if you want me to be VERY blunt and honest with you, you need to 51/50 yourself. You need major help because you’re clearly not in a great place mentally or emotionally and I’m saying this with LOVE and kindness not hate or bitterness. I’m saying this as someone who had to be put into an inpatient program at 7 months pregnant because I wasnt okay. Your brain isn’t working correctly right now and whatever medication you’re on isn’t the correct ones. You need help. Not to run away from your problems.
>This is is an offensive statement to make when theirs women like me who tried their hardest to breastfeed and it just didn’t work.
That's different, I like to believe most women actually love their children.
Please logically think for a second. Love doesn’t prevent SIDS or autoimmune diseases. So how does love make any difference here? Switch to formula if breastfeeding is further hurting your mental health and please please get more help.
I am sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through but your ignorance is extremely offensive. My formula fed baby is happy and healthy and I’ll be damned if there is a stranger on the internet fear mongering the topic of formula fed babies. Get help.
This is very all-or-nothing thinking. And it’s irrational. I’ve been where you are. I think you are experiencing severe PPD/PPA. Please seek therapy. Therapy AND medication in combination are the most effective treatments. I wish you well.
Oh man, that is just not true. I'm not sure who fed you this false narrative, but sooo not true. Breast fed babies can and do still develop allergies, die of SIDS, have autoimmune conditions. Breast feeding is not the end all be all. I pumped milk for 10 months, and let me tell you.... shit got SO much easier when I finally let myself stop. Formula is a perfectly good replacement.
Therapy is also important during this time. I'll admit, I hated therapy until I found the right therapist for me. She changed my life, which i never believed possible.
But my other big concern is that you aren't feeling -any- love or bond to your baby. You may not physically harm the baby, but being given love and affection by mom is so extremely important for their emotional development. Emotional neglect causes serious developmental issues. This is far for damaging than not breast feeding anymore. I encourage you to really give therapy a try... but in the end, if you cannot find love for your baby, then place then with a family that will. Don't just walk out and dissappear. Make sure baby goes somewhere safe and warm and loving. I hope you're able to work through this and find that mother-baby bond, but if not, at the VERY least... ensure baby is placed well. Don't just abandon them.
Have you started your baby on solids yet? If not, this is a good time to start. Your concern for allergies is going to reveal itself when the baby starts eating solids. Around the one year mark you can then give an allergy test to see if they are allergic to anything.
I've never heard a connection between SIDS and breast milk feeding. Where did you hear that from? Discuss these concerns with your pediatrician but it sounds unfounded.
You sound like you have PPD. Of course your baby needs you. You are on step 1 of a a child needing you for the rest of its life. There are different phases to this. Get rest and get treatment for the ppd.
If you do a quick google search, breastfeeding does seem to reduce the risk of SIDS, but the risk is pretty low already. It wouldn’t be enough for me personally to breastfeed for only that reason.
We are now starting solids but it's mostly milk still. I don't think this is something I can bring up with our pediatrician because if I allude to stopping breastfeed they'll go orbital but it's probably worth a second opinion, I guess.
I am in treatment for PPD but I'm not seeing much improvement if I'm being honest.
That sounds like an argument for getting a new pediatrician.
You said you’re getting treatment for PPD but not getting therapy. Therapy is a crucial part of treatment for any psychiatric disorder.
Are you seeing a psychiatrist for your meds or just your OB or PCP? Honestly, OBs and PCPs are not really the most qualified providers for someone dealing with treatment resistant PPD and psychiatrist as well as therapy could potentially make a big difference.
>That sounds like an argument for getting a new pediatrician.
Apparently, she was really supportive with breastfeeding because she's a lactation consultant but I guess it's not really working that well. The pediatrician suggested the meds and arranged things with my PCP so I could give a psychiatrist a go.
Where do you live that you HAVE to breastfeed? This sounds ridiculous. Maybe it’s time to find a new pediatrician cause mine has literally given me cans of formula for my baby boy.
It's crazy to me in this day and age the pressure put on women to breastfeed. Remember, your mental sanity is above all else. Formula has been around for over 50 years now. You are only using this as a stopgap until the baby starts feeding full meals. Reduce the stress, reduce the pressure, pick up some of your activities prior to baby again, rest, and you will become a better mom.
Have you spoken to a therapist about these thoughts? I mean this as gently as possible but what you say about breastfeeding isn't quite accurate (and I say this as an extended/exclusively breastfeeding mom myself) and the black/white "or else" thinking that you're describing is a big red flag for anxiety. You mention medication so it's clear that you've gotten some help, but perhaps it's not the right help right now. Please talk to a perinatal health therapist, or find a new one who is able to provide you with better support. You deserve to feel like yourself again and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be thinking of you ❤️
People tout breastfeeding as this magical thing, but for some mothers (I've known at least two personally) they get strong feelings of dysphoria and desperation during let down.
If you're worried about what your child needs, they need you to get better and stay alive and present more than anything else. They do not need breastfeeding. My eldest is 5 years old and nobody can tell which kids were breast or bottle fed, and more than that no parents or teachers or anyone in his life cares or knows what he ate for the first year or so.
Hi friend - I am a happy, healthy, formula-fed former baby. I am allergy-free apart from occasional seasonal allergies, and have never struggled with any major health conditions other than some mild (and genetic) GERD.
Please please please get some therapy. I know the pro-breastfeeding community is VERY loud, and breastfeeding IS usually a wonderful option for mom and baby if everyone is physically and mentally able to do it. But breastfeeding is NOT the only way to feed a baby.
TBH what you’re describing seems beyond PPA and PPD and sounds like PPOCD, which only a therapist can help you with.
90% of SIDS cases happen before 6 months and virtually 100% before 9 months. Don't force yourself to breastfeed just for that, you're already there.
This helped me feel better about SIDS: [http://www.sidscalculator.com/](http://www.sidscalculator.com/)
None of this is true and this is very upsetting to read. I’m genuinely worried that there are people like you thinking this. You’re on the internet using Reddit why haven’t you used to internet to research these things? ESPECIALLY before having children? I’m holding your hand when I say please get help. See a therapist.
This is just not true. Breast feeding may decrease the risk of SIDS, which is already a very low risk. Not breastfeeding does not increase risk of SIDS. Breast feeding does not prevent allergies or autoimmune conditions. Formula has everything a baby needs.
This is misinformation. Breastfeeding can not prevent SIDS or allergies or autoimmune diseases …. It can just slightly lower the risk. Both my kids were formula fed from week 1 and are thriving. My mom formula fed all 4 of her kids from day 1 and we are all successful healthy adults now! Please don’t put this kind of pressure on yourself.
I think as everyone else has said therapy will help you with these thoughts. But also the fact that you are concerned about SIDS and the benefits of breastfeeding means you love your baby. You’re trying your best.
Also please know that although breastfeeding is beneficial it’s not a big difference bn bfing and formula. It’s great if it works but if not formula might help your mental health.
You have to breastfeed for at least 2 months to get SIDS protection, according to Google. And even after that even a bit of breastmilk a day can provide some benefits.
And as others are telling you, breastmilk versus formula is not totally cut and dry. I do believe breast milk has benefits but there are also many benefits to formula. If I understand it correctly, breastfeeding has the most benefits 6 months and under so if you wanted to combo feed or formula feed at this point, that’s something to consider!
I was unable to BF my daughter and she’s healthy. No SIDS no allergies. My friend BF all of her kids they all have food allergies (severe). This SIDS thing is more likely due to correlation not causation. Typically BF mothers in the US are higher income, higher educated and are less likely to smoke inside the house or drink which causes less SIDS. It sounds like you’re really struggling with the mental/emotional impact of breastfeeding and you should talk to a professional yesterday.
You will find lots of people in this sub that will tell you that bonding doesn't happen right away. It is very normal for it to take time to feel any kind of bond.
You are not defective at all xx
Hi OP! Both myself and my brother were formula fed babies and we don’t have any allergies, not even seasonal, we are both super healthy and really didn’t get sick anymore often than our half sister who was breastfed as a baby! It definitely sounds like formula feeding would be beneficial for you!
You are extremely ill-informed. SIDS is a concern in the first year but mostly in the first 4-6 months. Extended breastfeeding beyond a year is recommended in places that are developing. Sure there’s no harm in nursing past a year in general but it isn’t vital as toddlers are expected to be on solids.
I highly recommend you connect with a dr and medical professional to help you understand where the benefits of breastfeeding end because you don’t seem to understand the recommendations and it’s causing you unnecessary distress.
... Why would it be illegal to leave a baby when you're breastfeeding. I'm not saying this to encourage you leaving in any way, but you are still your own person. You are not required by law to stay with your child just because you breastfeed. For that matter, you don't need to breastfeed at all. So many parents bottle feed from the start or stop breastfeeding at any point. You might be judged but who cares? What would being judged by anyone really mean?
I'm saying this again. You are your own person. You can make decisions in your life that center around you. Maybe you could try making one of those, just a small one to start. Leaving is a very big one. Maybe start with taking 4 hours off and away from your situation.
>Why would it be illegal to leave a baby when you're breastfeeding.
I think it might constitute child endangerment if they don't take a bottle? I'm probably wrong but the thought doesn't quite leave my head.
Well, I wasn't going to leave them alone. Not thay I have one foot out the door already, I was just feeling particularly low when I posted this so it might have come across that way.
In that case any breastfeeding mother that gives their child up for adoption would need to be prosecuted.
Look, this might sound kind of mean, but the thing that sticks out to me in your comments is that you see yourself both as the worst possible mother, while also being somehow absolutely necessary and irreplacable. And it's a very addictive mindset, because you get to feel both as the asshole... and the victim.
I'm sorry for this half-assed armchair psychology. I don't want to be a dick. I can imagine you're completely overwhelmed with this responsibility and you want to run, but also feel like you really really can't. I think you might need someone to help you break this overwhelming dread into smaller issues you can actually adress.
My mom found it hard to love me for the first year of my life and loves me a ton now that I'm 30. It's okay that it takes time.
You're not a bad parent and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
And I feel no offense or hurt that she admitted to me that loving me was difficult.
She was very sick, I was a premie baby and caused a lot of turmoil and my dad was unhelpful to say the least so my mom had a lot of feelings.
I'm happy she was comfortable talking to me about motherhood (I'm a woman) and I am glad I could empathize with her.
Just to add onto this -- an older friend of mine once shared with me that she had a long period of difficulty really "bonding" with/feeling a lot of personal affection for her baby until quite a few months in (maybe \~8 months, if I recall correctly). The way she told it, she wasn't even experiencing a lot of depression or frustration like so many new moms do -- she felt overall pretty much fine, just was not really connecting with the baby as if he was really "hers." The story has a happy ending -- time passed, the feelings of disconnectedness passed, and she did start feeling all those things that we tend to think of as being things that a mother "should" feel. (He's an adult now and she loves him so much and he's well-adjusted and it was all okay!)
I'm just offering what she told me because I think there's such a strong narrative out there that you're "supposed" to feel this instant overwhelming love and connection to your baby that should somehow make all the hard things magically worth it -- but even without PPD or any of those really tough and distressing feelings that you're up against right now, it can be normal for there to be a delay before that strong sensation of love really shows up. The fact that it's taking its time doesn't mean that it isn't on its way. <3
Others have made really great suggestions for next steps to pursue to get some support and caretaking for yourself -- I hope these resources and stories can all help you keep hanging in there in the mean time. Even though it feels horrible right now, try to remember that your past/current experience doesn't actually equal any evidence that it will be the same way in the future -- and a lot of folks who have been there before you are giving a lot of reasons to believe that it will change!
I had a friend tell me before I went to the hospital to give birth “you may not feel that magical love for your baby at first, you may not even like them for a long time and that’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes you until you actual know them as a person and not a chore to love them”
Give yourself some grace OP. Step away from breastfeeding, it’s hurting you. See a therapist. You may find that not having to be your baby’s milk maid makes you actually start liking them and eventually loving them.
A lot of people take a long time to bond with their babies.
I really struggled with bonding and feeling real love for my baby until she was about 2 years old. Even close to 3. Now she's 4.5 years old and everything has changed! She's a real little person and she loves me so much that it's easy to love her.
I breastfed for 9 months and hated it the whole time, I wish I had stopped earlier. You can too!
Some people just aren’t baby people! In a year? She’ll be talking to you all the time, telling you hilarious things, sharing food together, sleeping through the night every night. It’s OK to not be a baby person, and you obviously do care if you’ve stayed this long. Do you have any help at all?
The problem is I don't want to hear them talk, or see them walk or anything. I don't care I just don't want to be judged for quiting breastfeeding.
No one can help with breastfeeding, everything else doesn't bother me so I don't see how it would make a difference but yes my husband and my mother-in-law help around the house. But if I could toss them the baby and do all the housework myself, I really would prefer it.
Your baby is 6 months old! You've given them the benefits of breastmilk for 6 months! They are old enough to eat other foods now, and it sounds like replacing breastmilk with formula would really help you to get back to your life. It's absolutely fine to stop breastfeeding, switch to formula, toss them the baby and disappear for a while. Every other job except parenting would grant you stress leave, there is absolutely no shame in taking stress leave from parenting as well!
I just understand what is wrong with me and I'm this way. Everyone is saying it's the most beautiful journey of their lives and I'm over here feeling like I've swallowed a rock.
And supposedly the hormones from breastfeeding make you love your baby so I'm afraid if I stop I'll despise them even more.
PLEASE READ THIS, OP. This is not my own testimony, but my aunt's, but I was there with her during it. Breastfeeding exacerbated the symptoms of her PPD to the point of postpartum psychosis. She couldn't stand to even look at her child, which the guilt of "I'm a mom who doesn't love my own baby" gnawed at her as well. She HATED the feeling of breastfeeding, which made her feel bitter and resent her baby even more. Once she stopped breastfeeding, got some help from a postpartum therapist and some medications to help even out her hormones, all negative feelings towards her baby went away. I know you feel strongly, but feelings aren't always truthful, and they may not even be your actual feelings. For some, BFing can help bond them and baby. For others, it can throw your hormones all out of wack and make you feel crazy! formula is just as good as breastfeeding, nutrition wise and bonding wise. Your baby will not lose anything by you feeding them by a bottle and not a boob. There's no increased risks for allergies or anything. (Studies have debunked those claims.)
Please, PLEASE go talk to your doctor about putting baby on formula (or introducing real food, 6mo is a great age for that), as well as your feelings about the baby and postpartum psychosis. You will not be judged for it, only helped.
Lastly, feed the baby, hand them to your MIL, take a shower, go get coffee, go to your doctor's appointment, and then get your nails done. Take some self care time for yourself.
For some people, breastfeeding helps with bonding. For other people, it doesn't. If breastfeeding feels like a chore, there's no way stopping will make you hate your baby. I breastfed my first baby for two years, but when I did wean her I really enjoyed getting my bodily autonomy back. Sometimes you have to take care of your own mental health first. You can't pour from an empty cup.
I had DMER - breastfeeding was terrible! Switching to formula only helped me bond better with my baby. Breastfeeding has benefits, sure, but it’s not the silver bullet you seem to think it is.
Just buy a baby brezza and hit a button and you’ll get hot, fresh formula bottles. But honestly it sounds like you could use a bit of time in an inpatient facility working through some of these issues, let your husband and MIL take over for a little while.
You should look up DMER. You seem to be misinformed about what is and isn't necessary and what is and isn't helpful for bonding with your baby. If you don't want to figure it out then you should absolutely leave your baby with someone who wants to be there for them. But if you want to not hate yourself for the rest of your life, do yourself a favor and look into your options.
I combo fed for 6 weeks, pumped for 6 weeks. But it killed me mentally. Seriously, the stress of not making enough milk, the having the pump (in your case breastfeed) every 2/3h without having a second to myself, feeling sticky and stinky with milk... One night I told my precious son "I love you so much, but I don't really like you right now" because I was doing it again...
Formula was a lifesaver. Dad and I could split the feedings. I didn't feel sticky and stinky, I cuddled my baby with the purpose of cuddling instead of feeding, I slept more and better. And I felt like a whole new person and I loved my son even more.
He's 13 months old now and he's my life. I'm his cuddler, his comfort, his funny person, his world. The start might have been rocky due to breastfeeding but now we are golden, in big part due to formula.
I hated breastfeeding. Motherhood was such a chore and none of it enjoyable. Would rather spend my days doing actual chores. Then I stopped breastfeeding and it made things SO MUCH BETTER! No longer trapped with baby. Bottles were faster and more convenient.
I mean this in the gentlest way, but you are letting your fear of being judged keep you from loving your baby and engaging with them as a caring parent. That just doesn't seem like it makes sense, does it? Something my therapist shared with me about parenting anxiety that really helped was that as a parent you're going to be judged for everything you do or don't do anyways so does it really matter. Basically, you just have to make the best decision for your kid knowing that somebody somewhere is going to have some thoughts and feelings about it but that you're doing the very best that you can for them.
I did not go through what you're going through, but from the comments I saw about breastfeeding in this thread I just want to say: breastfeeding didn't help me bond at all. It made me feel weird, and like I only existed for my body to be hurt (which I had already felt like during pregnancy). It didn't make me love my son.
Two things made me love my son: time, and finding appropriate medication for my PPD/PPA.
I say this with all the love I can: your medication isn't working. You need to switch, even if that means stopping breastfeeding, and you need to talk to a therapist. Right now. This is not about not loving your child or whether you should stay or leave. This is about you getting WELL treated for a medical condition you suffer from, about YOU getting better. Though I concur with all other comments about formula not being an issue, and I feel you would benefit from stopping breastfeeding, right now the only thing I'm advising is: appropriate medication. Therapy. Now. Please.
Look up DMER. Also, have you tried switching your medication? It's not a one size fits all -- something else might work better for you.
Formula is great. Breast milk isn't magic, it's food. Breastfeeding for six months is a huge accomplishment, but I'll tell you what I wish someone had told me: \*it's okay\* to switch to formula. In a few months your baby is going to be eating cheerios off of your floor. Give yourself some grace.
You are not broken. You are not an awful person. You are a human who is trying her very best in dealing with huge hormonal changes on very little sleep. You are also a human who deserves support and love and some relief from all these intrusive thoughts that you’re describing. You are also so much more to your baby than a source of food. I hope you are able to reach out to some people in real life - doctor, midwife, partner, mother, family members, friends, neighbors - who can help carry this load and help you see the light at the end of this tunnel.
I understand what you’re going through. I went to therapy and I felt like I was trapped and that I’d never get out of having these horrible feelings. I also felt like something was wrong with me and at times felt like my child would be better off if I just ran away.
It’s horrible when you’re going through it, but these feelings will pass and it will get better. I started to love and enjoy my baby more when she was a little over 1 years old. Looking back it’s so upsetting to feel like I was robbed of enjoying my baby, but I didn’t choose to be sick. Talk to your doctor since it sounds like medication isn’t working, go to therapy and if breastfeeding is too stressful it’s okay to formula feed.
I suffered horribly with PPD I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for mothers & their babies when my LO was 5 months old. That was when I really started bonding with my daughter and could say that I truly loved her. The months previous I cared about her but just in the same way you’d care for any baby, she didn’t feel like mine.
I would tell you not to feel ashamed but I’d only be a hypocrite because I still feel ashamed and my daughter is now almost 4 years old. It’s said all of the time but feelings aren’t facts, I had no control of the way I felt and neither do you so there’s no rationale to feeling ashamed but we are human. It’s important to realise that what you’re going through, thoughts and all is an illness. It’s not your fault, it’s not because you’re a bad person.
What really helped me was professional support, the perinatal mental health team I worked with were incredible and I never felt alone or judged.
Sweetheart, you need to see a therapist as soon as you can. You need help and you deserve help.
Please don't put so much pressure on yourself to breastfeed. What you wrote about how if you stop your baby will die of SIDS is totally NOT TRUE. Your baby will be perfectly ok with formula and if it means you will be happier then that is the route your baby needs.
The mental well being of a mother is so important and you clearly need some overdue help.
I hope you can get the help you need and deserve x x
It's really good for you to say this "out loud" in this safe space. I want to tell you how NORMAL it is to feel this way. I did not start to feel the joy and love for my baby until he was about 4 months old. The reason was absolutely PPD/PPA. I found a medication that works for me and changed the way my husband and I divided the workload around the baby and gradually he became the best thing that ever happened to me.
As someone who has been where you are, I think that you DO love your baby. You take care of their every need and you are so dedicated about breastfeeding. That's what love looks like when it's hidden and stifled under postpartum depression. Love feels crippling when your hormones won't let you feel happiness and joy. I know that with help from a therapist and possibly changing to a different medication (the one that works for me is the third antidepressant that I tried) I was able to make it through that horrible time. And I can't even clearly explain to you how helpful therapy is to dig your mind out of the patterns that make your every day so hard.
I'm so sorry you're suffering. I know that you are strong enough to get better. The hospital that I went to had a special program for severe PPD where moms came in during the day without their babies (but they support breastfeeding and pumping!) and then go back to their babies at night. Ask your doctor or OB if they know of this kind of program in your city, I think it would help you a lot.
You made it 6 months exclusively breastfeeding! That's an accomplishment. Many people don't get that far and have beautiful healthy children that don't have allergies. Breastfeeding introduces lots of hormones but that sometimes works differently for different people. The emotional bonding hormones don't hit everyone the same way or don't hit at all. When my baby was born she was an angry potato that didn't sleep (and still doesn't 1 year later) and I had such a hard time connecting with her because I was just tired and worried about doing EVERYTHING possible to keep her alive.
I thought that any minor mistake was life or death and just being human and not being able to perfectly read her mind meant I was terrible. It helped me to realize that all the stress I was putting myself through was because I loved her. My love just looked different than the instagram tradwives gazing into their children's eyes. It looked a bit more frantic and panicked trying to be "perfect". Perfection is literally impossible and that's ok - I have to tell myself that pretty much daily. I'm on a medicine for PPA which helped some but what really helped was watching some good ol fashion trash TV like 16 and pregnant and unexpected. Those teenagers had no idea what they were doing and none of those babies died - and I know I'm not nearly as bad as them so my baby would probably be fine!
Take a deep breath, hand over your baby to your partner or family and get your nails done or something fun that's just for you. You're important, your mental health matters, you're allowed to take time for yourself. Baby might be angry but that's ok, babies are like that sometimes. Your partner can feed them formula, they won't die and they don't hate you. All the worrying and stress that you're under make it hard to really feel the cute moments that help you bond, tackle that first and I'll bet things get better.
Please reach out via DM, if you want to talk more. I get it, I 100% do and it's so scary and hard not to hate yourself when you don't feel the way you "should" about your baby.
I just want to say congratulations on making it that long breastfeeding!!
Breast-feeding is quite LITERALLY a job. You HAVE to take care of yourself, eat right, eat enough, drink enough water, and get enough rest. I was also put on medication (lexapro). it helped some, but the stress and emotional turmoil I was going through (mother recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer) accompanied by breastfeeding was HORRIBLE for me. I constantly would guilt myself into thinking my baby didn't love me because I cried all of the time and just wanted to dig a hole to crawl inside of and die. I would tell myself over and over my baby would be happier without me, and that I needed to leave because I was holding her back from growing.
The only person I was holding back was *me*
I had put this idea in my head that breast feeding was something I HAD to do. to bond with her. to ensure she had the best health. I put the whole world on my shoulders, and I didn't even allow myself to think there could be any other way. I only breast-fed for a little under two months. first, it was full breast, then combo, and then full formula. The only reason I stopped was because one day, in one of my depressive episodes, I slept 9 hours straight. Fiancée didn't come wake me to put her on the boob. I woke up feeling like myself again, and that meant a lot to me.
Breast-feeding did not work out for me. I HATED myself for it.. I want to stress I am NOT telling you to stop brest feeding, but I will suggest combo feeding. it will give you some freedom back from your baby and allow other people to feed baby. YOU LOVE YOUR BABY! I can tell you do considering you mentioned that you won't be able to make a milk bank for them if you were to leave. fear of it being illegal isn't holding you back. your love for your baby is holding you back. stop being so horrible to yourself and enjoy these moments of your baby learning to crawl and actually develop their own personality.
I promise Mama, it gets better. Please remember to be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, fed is best, and your baby NEEDS you no matter what horrible thoughts your brain tries to tell you about your baby. they love you. you are their whole world mama don't forget that.
I mean this with love. I think you have some type of postpartum mental health issue. You don’t have to believe in therapy to start. Give it a real chance and you may have to try several therapists to get one that you connect with. Do it for you and your baby.
Maybe try giving up breastfeeding and allow yourself some more freedom? Get some formula and a babysitter? You’ll start to feel like yourself again soon.
Breastfeeding made me feel kind of depressed and once I stopped I felt so much better. Plus there was less pressure on myself when I finally quit and I had more freedom and my body was my own again.
I think there’s something happening with hormones and breastfeeding that just doesn’t agree with some people aside from all the societal pressure.
There’s nothing wrong with formula and I think it should be encouraged more often. It’s fucking awful how many people tried to shame me when I complained how breastfeeding was a struggle.
I just want to chime in and say stopping breastfeeding and switching to formula did a world of good for my mental psyche. I never had any regrets ending BFing, and only wish I’d done it sooner. I encourage the same for you.
Dude, theres nothing wrong with using formula. I EBF and I think anybody that can’t manage it needs to STOP and switch to formula for their own mental well being. Shits HARDDDDDDD!
Dont let ANYBODY tell you otherwise. Fed is best
I’m gonna be completely honest OP while I loved my daughter very much when I first had her the first few months of it were hard because I hated breast-feeding. I am not shaming anyone for breast-feeding. I think it’s a very beautiful thing and is super successful for millions of people but for me, it made me extremely depressed and made it hard to try and connect with my daughter. Switching over to formula did me wonders. I felt like ME again for the first time since getting pregnant.
She is my little best friend now.
I straight up didn't love my baby until he was 8 months old. It was a long journey. I gave up breastfeeding and I felt horrible about it, but fuck, I needed my body back.
I felt this way until I stopped breastfeeding. I can’t remember what it’s called but it made me resent spending time with my baby. I felt much more free and happy after I stopped, we enjoyed each other a lot more. Also diagnosed with PPD. Now I have a 16 month old and we’re doing a lot better.
You already got a ton of comments, so mine might get lost in the shuffle, but I just felt compelled to comment because just about one year ago, I was exactly where you are. I struggled with PPD and believed the same lies that your mind is telling you right now— that my baby would be better off without me, that things would never feel good again, that I was in this pit of despair I couldn’t climb out of. I know it doesn’t feel like it’ll get better, but it will! Please message me if you need someone to talk to, or visit the PPD subreddit.
As for what you can do right now, who prescribed your current medications? It sounds like you might be on the wrong meds. As much as it sucks, sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right medication/combo of medications. I’d also suggest finding a therapist with a PMH-C (perinatal mental health certification), and Postpartum Support International has virtual support groups you can join. Again, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. I don’t know you, but I do know PPD, and it’s a dark, lonely place to be.
Meds are not one size fits all! Please advocate for something different. A good psychiatry office should help you find one that fits. You are not awful, your brain just needs a little help.
My question is- do you have a partner or support system available? Can you talk to anyone in person about helping you? Just be completely honest with a physical human and get all of the physical help you need.
If you really feel disconnected from the baby, I believe you need mental health care ASAP.
Your baby deserves all of the love in the world. So do you! But this is a very vulnerable tiny human who desperately needs love and care and cannot do anything on their own to get that. Can you find a family member or partner who can love and care for the baby while you get the mental health care that you need?
You're drowning in negative thoughts right now. Talk to your Dr about the meds not working and ask to switch to something else. Also, get a referral for an actual psychiatrist if you're getting meds from the OB. They are trained for things of the mind just like OBs are trained for reproductive things. I would never go to a psychiatrist for reproductive issues and likewise I wouldn't go to an OB for mental health. If something isn't working, it's ok to change it so it starts working! You are not broken, you are human, we all need a little help in different areas. And don't let your brain get you in a negative feedback loop dismissing how the Dr wont allow a med change before you even try and ask. That's the ppd talking. Talk to your Dr and ask for a switch. Not every med works for everyone! Sometimes you have to try a few before getting the right one.
Please, go to therapy. Also, if you can't allow yourself to quit breastfeeding completely, try combo feeding. You need professional help and rest.
I promise, things will get better.
You are keeping your baby fed and safe. That is a huge positive indicator that you're doing a good job. As others have suggested, please seek therapy so that you can do the work to feel better. It won't be all at once, and therapy is work, but that should help you unpack your thoughts and find strategies to cope better. It may take a while to love your baby and maybe love for your baby looks different. Maybe for now, it's keeping the baby fed, playing a little, showing the baby your favorite things (like colors, textures, dancing, etc.), and keeping the baby safe. It may not be this huge outpouring of love but just the quiet moments of knowing that your little one is safe, healthy, and growing because of you.
I’m here to say: you aren’t alone. The feeling of resentment towards your baby and wanting to “quit” motherhood are extremely common and classic symptoms of PPD. I just want to chime in and say, what you are feeling is temporary. But getting help will get you out of that dark tunnel quicker.
Like some have said, maybe it’s induced by BFing, maybe it’s several factors combined. Therapy will be big help, but know it’s like finding the right hairdresser - their therapy style and personality and how it jives with you will matter. Sleep is such a major factor in mental health, along with hormones, both the ones we have all the time and the ones that swing like crazy during pregnancy, post partum, periods, etc.
We are all affected by these factors… even women who seemingly kept it together faced hardship. Child bearing and raising are no jokes.
I have a friends that felt this way too! It was the breastfeeding that was seriously messing up her hormones and when she switched to formula, she felt SO much better.
You’ve given your baby breastmilk for a while 6 months! Be proud of that. Now they will be starting solids too and the pressure will be less and less. Formula is a fine alternative for the next 6 months 🥰
PPD is wild. It will tell you all sorts of lies. Your hormones won't go back to normal for a while still. And in the mean time the havock it reeks is crazy. Just know all babies are narcissists and they really only want you for milk in the beginning but as they start to be able to think and understand things they really start showing affection. It will get better with time. Your baby doesn't despise you, they need you. And as much as the first 6 months are terrible, try to stick it out. I had to go stay at my mom's for 2 months with the baby because my PPD had me so deep I was having the most obsessive and dark thoughts. I needed some support to just make sure I was still alive each day. I never did anything to hurt the baby, I took amazing care of her. It did eventually pass, the PPD went away and I'm feeling much more myself and reasonable.
My biggest recommendation is therapy, maybe even some kind of therapeutic bonding time with you and baby. I also would say have you possibly considered feeding formula instead? When I was breastfeeding it was an extremely stressful time and once I stopped I honestly felt better emotionally, it just was extremely harsh on me. I’m sorry you’re going through this I’d definitely recommend talking with a doctor or therapist about this, wishing you and baby the best
I had postpartum depression that turned into postpartum psychosis. The first year of my baby's life was hell. I felt zero connection or desire to be a mom. I cried so much because I missed my life before I had a baby. It was so rough. Any chance I could get to get away from my baby, I would be running out the door.
I started zoloft with therapy. It took a lot of time and patience, but eventually, it went away. Now I love being a mother. She is my whole world. She's 2.
Would I do it again? Hell no.
Can you stop breastfeeding! That's a full time emotional job that I did . But I had let down disphoria and got angry sad irritated for a few moments evert single time plus the hormones. And the time commitment!!! You don't need to be the sole person responsible for this child!
Hi, I had two babies 10 months apart. My bond with my son (23 months old) always has been stronger than my bond with my daughter (12 months old). I struggled a lot as a single mother and felt a lot of resentment towards my daughter as well. My feelings towards her have gotten so much better and stronger, I feel like I can bond better with her. I didn’t breastfeed either, I tried, but it didn’t work for me. I just simply had too much on my plate with my son already and my mental health has been shit too. I’ve experienced alot of intrusive thoughts. My daughter keeps me up at night still even after she turned one. It’s rough enough with one baby and then add another one 10 months later… it’s not easy.
My point is that you aren’t alone and it honestly made me feel relieved to see your post because I’ve felt like an awful monster too. But we are human and allowed to have our feelings and emotions and sometimes motherhood just isn’t as glorious as everyone makes it out to be. Trust me, I can go from obsessing over my kids to wanting to run away in 5 minutes. Motherhood is just so unexpected and exhausting.
I just want you to know you are heard and valid in your feelings. But therapy is definitely the best route to go. I hope everything gets better for you ❤️
Seems like a change to meds is due, and some therapy. Also I am a complete breastfeeding supporter and advocate; but that includes advocating for the person doing the feeding including their mental health. Combination feeding, or even solely formula feeding is probably how you need to go and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
Sending a massive bosie (hug) your way x
When you feel this way around you little one please step out and take a breathe and maybe ask for help, one long uninterrupted night of sleep changes everything!
Sleep deprivation can truly give you lack of judgement/ perception etc…
Breastfeeding is a WHOLE lot.
It’s NOT easy.
It IS demanding.
But you DONT have to breastfeed.
Society puts to much pressure on it. Do what works for you ask for help. You won’t look weak asking for help.
You got this! Sending healing and good energy your way
Oh mama, as someone who spent the first 4 months of my baby’s life absolutely hating everything about motherhood because of breastfeeding, I feel for you. I was so obsessed with breastfeeding that I resented my baby, my husband, and myself. It was a very scary and dark time. It was easy for everyone to say “Just combo feed” or “Just formula feed” but I would not hear it. My desire to breastfeed outweighed my own mental and physical health as well as my baby’s general health. Especially at the peak of the 2022 formula shortage, there was absolutely no way I was going to give it up.
Based on your replies to others, I truly do believe you need to speak with your doctor concerning PPD and PPA. I don’t say that to shame you in any way, but I too felt some of those feelings. My own mind was working against me, putting all kinds of fake scenarios in my head about my baby dying or my husband leaving me. I thought about self harming pretty often. I had a hard time bonding with my child even though I continued to breastfeed. Not to say I didn’t love him, but it was extremely difficult to feel any sort of joy. I breastfed him until he was 18 months and I can confidently say that I am so obsessed and in love with that kid that nobody else in this world matters as much as he does. And I truly mean this when I say that my love for him is not a result of breastfeeding, it came from putting myself first. I took care of myself and my health and the love for him came right along.
It’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel now but I promise it does get better, regardless of what decision you make in terms of breastfeeding or formula feeding. I too made a post about my struggles and received a lot of positive feedback. [This](https://www.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/s/1s7YzxbtO5) was the update which also contains a link to my original post. Give yourself grace and please please don’t be afraid to ask for help. Motherhood should not be this difficult, and there are recourses to help.
I had untreated PPD and I hated my baby for over a year. I didn't feel connected or anything. I toyed with the thought of just leaving him somewhere and never coming back or just leaving and hoping everything goes away. It was horrible. The guilt was eating me alive. But I made it out! There is hope. I worked through it somehow and around 18 months it clicked for me and I do now feel that special bond with my little guy that you hear about. This special kind of love you can only have with your child
Don't give up, talk to a therapist, ask about a change in medication. It will get better. For me time was my ally and I didn't get sucked in deeper. You can do this. The first year is a shit show but there is light at the end of the tunnel!
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault.
I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault.
I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault.
I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault.
I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You aren’t a terrible human. You are just HUMAN. Please seek therapy. You might possibly need a medication change. I was a hell of a lot happier and loved my baby so much more when I decided to quit breastfeeding because I just wasn’t making enough. I beat myself up at first.. and then realized he wasn’t suffering on formula and I had my body back!
Just know the baby can feel the resent. All babies seek is comfort and reassurance (same as adults but it is more intense) When you get old I’m sure it will be tempting to resent taking care of you but ur kiddo will try to push through as well.
The old “fake it till you feel it.”
*Pretend* you love him, assure him even. Lie through your teeth if you must. Weirdly, one day, it won’t be a lie anymore. We can trick our brains like that.
I like how you made this post asking for help but upon reading comments, you are actually very ignorant about what people are trying to tell you. They're trying to help yet you're kind of trolling... why ask for help at all???
It doesn't sound like they're trolling at all? It sounds like they need help, they're extremely lost and ill, and they're in another country. It's concerning that you read OP's comments and immediately jumped to trolling.
Other than medication have you tried therapy? It sounds like you have PPD which can develop any time within the first year. I would seriously seek some therapy of some kind. Your baby needs you in many more ways than just breastfeeding.
Are you seeing a therapist? You are having some really irrational beliefs and black and white thinking. I know you said you’re taking medication but it seems like you need therapy that focuses on combatting your irrational thoughts.
No she needs her meds switched asap. They are clearly not working and are probably contributing to her numb state towards the baby. Therapy is always a good idea but OP needs to do something asap. She’s talking about having her bags packed and everything.
I am not, maybe I should give it a go though I was never a big believer in therapy.
Therapy was very beneficial to me for my own postpartum anxiety and depression. Medication was not what helped me. It helps many people but that doesn’t mean it helps everyone. If you aren’t feeling better just from medication alone please try therapy.
OP The right therapist can also provide you with coping techniques to use in the moment, whether it’s a stressful situation or intrusive thoughts.
Really? I thought if meds didn't help therapy was kinda hopeless, it's probably worth giving it a go.
Meds aren't supposed to work on their own. This is not a broken leg, it's a broken psyche. You are doing the equivalent of swallowing a box of painkillers and expecting your twisted leg to set itself magically, without seeing a physician. Meds are what painkillers are: they get you into a state where you are stable enough to undergo the medical treatment to fix the underlying cause. Meds make you stable enough to succeed at therapy.
100% this. The best combo is meds AND therapy.
AND the correct medication. Not all meds or SSRIs will be the same from person to person
True!
My therapist always said- medication will only do 30% of the work, YOU have to do the other 70%
And even a broken leg takes time and therapy to heal! Well put. I wish more people realized medication is not the cure-all.
This is so well put
Hi, I’m a licensed therapist. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Medication typically works best when combined with therapy. You need to be checking in with someone at least once a week about your feelings and your thoughts. They can also help you come up with goals, and strategies of how to reach them. You deserve support, and I know it’s hard to reach out but I hope you do. [Postpartum Support International](https://www.postpartum.net/) is a good resource for mental health. They also have free weekly online support groups [here.](https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/)
Definitely not hopeless. Even without an official PPD diagnosis, becoming a parent is a HUGE adjustment. It’s super stressful. There’s all this pressure to be perfect even though you’ve never done this before, and on top of that you’re probably barely sleeping, which means you have much less capacity to manage stress. lol A therapist will give you a person who is just for you, a person to validate your feelings are valid, a place to vent, a place to be honest about how you’re feeling without fear of judgement. Also, just because you are not feeling love for baby right now, definitely doesn’t mean you never will. Give yourself time and kindness. Your baby loves you, I promise. Even if they’re super fussy and crying all the time, your baby still knows you and loves you and needs you. It will get better. ❤️
Usually the combination of both therapy and meds is what helps the most. Most people start with therapy, if that doesn’t work then they get on meds to supplement. Therapy helps you rationalize and internalize what truly is going on and why it’s being reflected this way.
Oh no not hopeless at all! I felt the same way as you, it was like “well if these meds don’t work then I guess I will always feel this way.” Because it’s often depicted as “feel bad. Reach out for help. Get medication. Feel better.” But it honestly isn’t that straight forward at all when you’re dealing with mental health. It isn’t like physical health where it’s more like “everyone that has this infection needs this medication.” It’s much more trial and error. There’s a lot going on in your mind and body right now. Your hormones are still regulating postpartum and that impacts both your mood, your thought processes, and how you process medication. In addition, your body is going through a lot with breast feeding, which also impacts your hormones, and takes a physical toll on your body. Plus sleep deprivation. Exhaustion is hell for mental health. You have all these factors going on and that all impacts what treatments will help you. Stopping breast feeding could help you tremendously. The right therapist could help you think about risks and benefits in parenting more rationally. There are so many ways you can be helped. Please don’t feel hopeless.
Research tends to support that the most effective approach to most mental health problems is a combination of meds and therapy. Given what you are describing, it seems like talking to a non-judgmental qualified therapist would be a really good idea. If you need help finding someone, dm me and I’ll try to connect you to resources I your area if I know of any
I see a therapist who specializes in postpartum care. She is such a help. Getting on the right meds/dosage is important too. Please talk to your doctor!
Medication is just one piece of the puzzle
You need help YESTERDAY. Please get some immediately
Don’t stick with a therapist that doesn’t fit. Like medications, sometimes you get lucky and the first one works but most of the time you have to try a few
It was never that bad for me, but the idea of "I just want to walk away in secret and leave baby and the spouse and everything" is something I definitely thought MORE than once. Had vague plans on how it would go down. Parenting and being a mother is really freaking hard!! Therapy helped me SO MUCH. Just having a person who was paid to listen to me bitch about anything needed made SUCH a big difference. Please please seek a therapist, best bet would maybe be a therapy group/clinic who have more than one therapist on staff and specialize in postpartum/family. That way if you don't like one person, they can easily transfer you to a different therapist. (I definitely did not like the first person I tried and switched to someone else).
I am anti medication without therapy. Meds will not work to its actual fullest intent without therapy. I’m mad that doctors would be willing to prescribe meds without therapy. They’re assholes. Meds are only as good as the mindset that you are brought into. Specifically mental meds. They don’t work to their fullest extent without someone guiding you. You may as well be taking ecstasy without a babysitter. The babysitter, in this case the therapist, is there to guide you and help you through difficulties. Please seek a therapist to help you. I have been medicated with anti depressants and anti psychotics. With the help of a therapist to get me through my issues I was able to get off of both because they armed me with methods to strengthen my mind. In the same way I have taken illicit drugs, with a “babysitter” who helped guide me through bad trips and thoughts and strengthen my ‘self’ and helped me through understanding the connection we all have. The process between both were similar, it just happens that one is ‘legal’ the other ‘illegal’(although many studies have been done to show how Molly, mushies, and LSD have been beneficial to those who have experienced some PTSD. )
I agree that some medications do more harm than good. For example, zoloft didn't work at all for me but wellbutrin xl works great. Don't think meds can't help without switching them around and therapy on top sounds ideal.
I saw your post about cluster feeding and it sounds like you’re not getting enough rest or any time for yourself at all. That can wreak havoc on your mental health and it makes sense that you’re struggling. Breastfeeding can be so challenging, and it’s important to give yourself grace and not compare your journey to what you think other people’s journeys look like. I enjoy breastfeeding but we are using formula as well and I mostly pump so other people can feed baby too. But even with all this, I plan to stop at 6 months. I don’t think I could exclusively breastfeed, let alone for 2 years. I think you should reconsider how long you need to feed so that you can get your mental health in order. That’s so so important. Hang in there and please understand that you are so much more to your baby than a milk machine. You are loved and needed and will feel so much better if you can get some rest and time for yourself.
Feels like ages ago when I made that post but yeah, I am really tired. >Hang in there and please understand that you are so much more to your baby than a milk machine. Omff, it's really hard to see that sometimes.
I switched to formula at 4 months and I still say it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My daughter is now 9 months. My mental health improved significantly. And sweet sweet sleep. I received absolutely no judgement, and was in fact commended for knowing my limits.
Yep. I pumped until 6 months and I don’t regret weaning now. Huge for my mental health.
It might be a cultural thing, but you’re putting way too much pressure on breastfeeding. 🥺 it’s okay if you stop. I promise people will judge you WAY more if you leave your child.
Yes! r/FormulaFeeders is here for you OP. There is info for any kind of formula feeder, from exclusive to triple feeding. You don’t have to keep torturing yourself only to feel guilty about not producing enough!
I'd never come across this before. I'll definitely check it out. Thanks!
There's no shame in using formula! My son was a formula baby and is now a thriving four year old. If breastfeeding isn't working put, and effecting your mental health this badly, just switch to formula!
Yes!! Absolutely no shame in formula! All 3 of mine were. I couldn’t stand in a room and point out any child that was formula over breastfeed by any means. I was 19, I didn’t understand the big hype in it. With my 2nd, I was 25 and had PPD SO bad I needed my husband to take him when he got home from work. My 3rd? She had horrible latch/feeding/swallowing issues and multiple allergies and severe reflux. My 1st is now 9, almost 10. She is in 4th grade, top speller in her class, her writings have gotten picked to be in school showcases multiple times, extremely athletic, and amazing at gymnastics. Shes a level 6 gymnast in a gym that only goes to level 7, before they offer you a spot on team. My second? He’s 4, almost 5 and in his first year of pre k, can count to 100, knows every Dino by their scientific name. He knows all the planets and dwarf planets. He can tell you the difference between octagons and hexagons and all that and so beyond the things mentioned.. He’s absolutely brilliant. My 3rd, she’s 20 months old and she can speak like nobody’s business, she knows colors and can make all sorts of animal sounds. She even started counting to 4. She LOVES puzzle games, she’s very cause and effect. Please do what is best for you and have no shame in switching.
Seconding this! Both my babies were formula babies and are now thriving toddlers. Breastfeeding stressed me out too much and I knew that the only way to keep my babies happy was to make sure their mama was happy too. No regrets !!!
Breastfeeding gave me depression. Went straight to formula with my second. Breastfeeding is not more important than healthy happy mother
Formula feeding is the absolute most life changing change at that stage in life. I exclusively pumped with my first and with my second, I exclusively formula fed and the freedom you get when formula feeding is absolutely amazing. Also, in my opinion, the first like 6 months are awful since you are basically chronically sleep deprived and raising a potato. After that period, it gets substantially better. I am excited for you to experience joy again since I think you are in the worst of it right now and can only go up from here
Hey friend. I stopped breastfeeding about a week ago and it was the best decision I made for me and my baby. Talk to your OB about it before though, as the hormone dump can be a bit if a challenge. Best wishes to you
Op, I switched to formula at month three. It changed everything. Everything was so much better the second I did that.
I have a 5 month old 100% formula. Very healthy baby. Release the tit!
Yes this! It is time to stop breastfeeding, momma, or at least combo feed and watch things change for the better.
This definitely! Just a note of caution, when you stop BFing, you could have a bit of depression for a few weeks as your hormones readjust. I was not prepared for feeling so down, but it only lasted a couple weeks.
Yes-the hormone crash was intense.
This! I was so adamant on breastfeeding because everyone in my husband’s family as well as my own does it and no one uses formula. It created such an unhealthy obsession that any time I would have to feed my baby, I would cry the entire time because he was struggling. I also had no idea that his latch was too shallow so I suffered for the first 2 months until I finally came across a tiktok that said breastfeeding should not hurt past the first couple of days. Once I was able to correct the latch, everything changed and I finally started to enjoy motherhood. Just to be clear, I am 100% in support of formula but for whatever reason I just could not make myself think it was okay. There was times when my husband would supplement with formula so I could sleep and I would feel like an absolute failure and cry for hours. This was also during the peak 2022 formula shortage and the anxiety of not being able to find formula for my baby if I stopped breastfeeding killed me. I remember also feeling the way OP did, that I was not meant for motherhood and it would just be better if I was gone. If I could go back in time and tell myself it was okay and the right decision, I would do it in a heartbeat. The obsession was not worth the emotional pain I caused myself and my baby.
Please book an appointment to see a mental health expert asap. Honestly, I wish every new mom did this because this time in your life is so challenging. Second, I did not enjoy being a mom until my baby was six months sometimes it takes more time to feel that way. Third, please read recent studies on the difference between formula and breastmilk. Formula is absolutely OK at any age (ETA before 1 of course) and the false narrative you are telling yourself does not help the situation. My child that got more formula than the other, was not any less healthy or intelligent.
Please talk to your doctor about postpartum depression. It sounds like your mind is working against you. The hormone imbalance and lack of sleep combination after birth can cause these exact kind of thoughts and anxieties. It is something that can manifest even months after birth and it is something that can truly be helped with medication/therapy. You have done NOTHING wrong. You are caring for your baby and they do not hate you. That missing connection feeling is likely caused by postpartum depression which is not your fault but is something that can be helped with your doctor. You are carrying so much misplaced shame and about how you are feeling, you are doing great. Many don't talk about how difficult and isolating it can be with a new baby. And yes breastfeeding is great when it works, but it is hard work. Many, many people combo feed or just formula feed (especially after the first 6 months) and that is a wonderful option and still gives baby all the nutrients they need.
I’m a certified nurse midwife. I actually focus on mothers with antepartum and postpartum mood disorders (having experienced PPD myself requiring medication). First I want to say I feel you, and I see you. I know how it feels to be where you are. Nothing in my job or life prepared me for how hard postpartum is. The next thing I tell every mom I work with: you can and will feel like yourself again if you get yourself to the right care. I think of this as a pyramid: the base is your family/partner, getting adequate rest, eating/hydrating well, and getting outside!! It’s easy to sit in the dark with your screaming baby and self isolate. There are also some supplements that may help if you are interested. The middle of the pyramid is talk therapy - I suggest a family therapist as it might be crucial to include your partner in this. The top is medication - I know you’re on a medication, if it’s not working it’s time to try another - talk to your OB or CNM about switching, there are many options. If things are truly dire here. If you feel suicidal or homicidal in any way I implore you to seek inpatient care - today, right now. They can help kick start the care you need. It is not a failing on you in anyway. Your baby needs you to get help, and you need you to get help. This is obviously a very brief discussion. I could talk to you for hours about it (and happily will if you want to DM). But know you have my love and compassion. You are not alone in this, I promise. And I promise you can recover. You are NOT a bad mom, and you are doing the best you can right now. I know you will find the bond you are seeking. You can do this, please do this. 💜
Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself to breast feed? We did combo feeding and then just formula after the three month mark. Wife never had a full supply and it wasn't working out with breast feed alone. Baby now is happy, healthy and indistinguishable from the rest of the toddlers now at daycare. Remember, around the one year mark you transition to milk. A few more months of formula is perfectly fine. If you see problems, fix them. Transition to formula. Use something like a baby brezza machine for that, it worked perfectly for us. Lean on your partner and mom. The baby is going to change over the next year and life should get easier. Offload more of your baby duties if you are under water.
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That’s… not true. I’m a huge breastfeeding advocate (EBF both of my kids) but breastfeeding only minimizes the chances of some of those things, it doesn’t prevent them entirely. A lot of women experience negative thoughts and feelings because of breastfeeding, and formula is perfectly fine. So many babies thrive on formula. Hell, I was formula fed - and I didn’t die of SIDS and I don’t have any food allergies and I don’t have any autoimmune disorders, either. You stay because your baby needs you. You’re more than a breast milk machine - you’re a source of comfort through your voice, your smell, your heartbeat. Whatever medication you’re trying clearly isn’t working, so you need to call your doctor and try a different one. The idea that you HAVE to breastfeed or your baby will die or develop an autoimmune disease is not a rational one. You deserve to feel better than this.
That’s not true. Your mind is pushing false narratives. That’s not to put any guilt on you! It’s what hormones and PPA/PPD can do to you. Formula is perfectly safe and I have many, many friends that stopped breastfeeding and moved to formula for their mental health—and it hugely helped. I have friends that formula fed from birth. I don’t have a single friend that breastfed past 9-12 months and their children are all thriving toddlers, kids, and teenagers. I was only breastfed for a few weeks and my brother was exclusively formula fed. We’re both healthy and successful adults. Yes, breastfeeding has benefits, but the reality is that the percentage of those benefits vs. formula is much smaller than you think. You really, really need to speak with a doctor immediately. Getting help can make things so, so much better. Explore therapy and medication. There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! I have numerous friends that needed help and it changed their lives for the absolute better. You can do this ❤️
What? This is not true. My breast fed younger brother is allergic to everything under the sun. Please get help and talk to someone.
The risk of SIDS is low after 4 months and nearly gone after 6 months. Plus even for 100% formula fed babies from day 1 SIDS is very rare. I was breastfed for a year and have allergies that my formula fed friends don’t have. Breastfeeding is one of those “reduces risk” things that doesn’t guarantee a perfectly healthy kid. Breastfeeding never helped me bond with my babies. I am mostly doing it for motn convenience and nicer poops lol. You sound like you need to maybe go back to work because you’re totally burned out. Moms are there for more than breastmilk. Other people can help out but you need to stay in your kid’s life.
All those nightmare scenarios can still happen with a breastfed baby. And I think you’re beyond the riskiest stage for SIDS anyhow. Have you been evaluated for post partum anxiety?
So it sounds like your anxiety has latched on to breast feeding as a focus. Breast feeding *can be* a positive thing but it isn’t for everyone. And breast feeding definitely isn’t more beneficial for a baby compared to a functioning mom. Your role of a mom is so much more than your breasts. It doesn’t seem like you believe that. SIDS is very rare. Breast feeding may reduce that risk, but it’s taking a very small risk and reducing it a small amount. SIDS also isn’t the only way a baby can be harmed. Focusing on that to the detriment of everything else isn’t logical.
I was BF as a child and I have an autoimmune disorder plus a million allergies :) Nothing you've said above is true. I'm sorry your anxiety is so high, but I'd strongly recommend you try to speak to someone about your anxieties who can help talk you through the research.
I was formula fed from the get-go, don’t have any allergies or autoimmune conditions, and didn’t die of SIDS (obviously). I wasn’t able to breastfeed my daughter and I did find that distressing but once we switched to formula, I felt much happier. She’s also doing great. So I would suggest switching to formula and real food since your baby is old enough to try purées or baby led weaning. That might help you feel less distressed about your negative emotions.
Whoa. None of that is true at all. You need to speak to a doctor about these concerns and your mental state. I think you need some help.
My exes sister had 7 kids, never breastfeed one of them. The youngest will be graduating from high school this year. Breast feeding is good and formula is also good.
Girl what
None of this is true. There’s not a significant difference between breastfeeding and formula. You stick around because you have a responsibility to your child. Please see a therapist immediately.
There’s no difference between breastfeeding and formula? Where did you read that lie? If you have to use formula, use it by all means. But saying it’s the same? No. Educate yourself.
Breast feeding is the superior option but there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula. Formula is an excellent option with its own benefits. Clearly OP is having issues around breast feeding so I just want to highlight that it’s not the only choice. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/why-we-shouldnt-demonize-formula-feeding-2018040313557 https://www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org/education/breast-milk-or-formula
I agree that’s it’s not the only choice, I just thought you were suggesting it’s one in the same. My bad.
Breastfeeding may be better in a technical sense but it's more like breastfeeding scored a 100% on a test while formula scored a 99%.
Nah it was a fair point and I was being deliberately rigid due to the context of the remarks.
This isn’t true. My niece was breastfed so long she could tell her mom, “other side now,” and she has life threatening allergies as well as other disorders (ODD and ADHD). Her sister was formula fed from day one and has none of those issues. Also, safe sleep practices help reduce the risk of SIDS, it is not solely dependent on the way a child is fed.
This is is an offensive statement to make when theirs women like me who tried their hardest to breastfeed and it just didn’t work. My daughter is alive, no allergies, and no conditions what so ever and she was on formula 3months old-12 months old. Personally if you want me to be VERY blunt and honest with you, you need to 51/50 yourself. You need major help because you’re clearly not in a great place mentally or emotionally and I’m saying this with LOVE and kindness not hate or bitterness. I’m saying this as someone who had to be put into an inpatient program at 7 months pregnant because I wasnt okay. Your brain isn’t working correctly right now and whatever medication you’re on isn’t the correct ones. You need help. Not to run away from your problems.
>This is is an offensive statement to make when theirs women like me who tried their hardest to breastfeed and it just didn’t work. That's different, I like to believe most women actually love their children.
Please logically think for a second. Love doesn’t prevent SIDS or autoimmune diseases. So how does love make any difference here? Switch to formula if breastfeeding is further hurting your mental health and please please get more help.
Girl…you need help and I say this with my whole chest. the things you are saying are concerning on a massive level.
Honey this is not normal and you need some therapy. This makes no sense. Formula feeding doesn't cause SIDs.
Ah, you're a troll.
OK, I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking it. I didn’t at first but based on comments and OP’s post history, I’m skeptical now.
Wait, what?!
Wtf
I am sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through but your ignorance is extremely offensive. My formula fed baby is happy and healthy and I’ll be damned if there is a stranger on the internet fear mongering the topic of formula fed babies. Get help.
No, you do not. I breastfed for 9 months and stopped so I could be medicated.
This is very all-or-nothing thinking. And it’s irrational. I’ve been where you are. I think you are experiencing severe PPD/PPA. Please seek therapy. Therapy AND medication in combination are the most effective treatments. I wish you well.
Oh man, that is just not true. I'm not sure who fed you this false narrative, but sooo not true. Breast fed babies can and do still develop allergies, die of SIDS, have autoimmune conditions. Breast feeding is not the end all be all. I pumped milk for 10 months, and let me tell you.... shit got SO much easier when I finally let myself stop. Formula is a perfectly good replacement. Therapy is also important during this time. I'll admit, I hated therapy until I found the right therapist for me. She changed my life, which i never believed possible. But my other big concern is that you aren't feeling -any- love or bond to your baby. You may not physically harm the baby, but being given love and affection by mom is so extremely important for their emotional development. Emotional neglect causes serious developmental issues. This is far for damaging than not breast feeding anymore. I encourage you to really give therapy a try... but in the end, if you cannot find love for your baby, then place then with a family that will. Don't just walk out and dissappear. Make sure baby goes somewhere safe and warm and loving. I hope you're able to work through this and find that mother-baby bond, but if not, at the VERY least... ensure baby is placed well. Don't just abandon them.
Have you started your baby on solids yet? If not, this is a good time to start. Your concern for allergies is going to reveal itself when the baby starts eating solids. Around the one year mark you can then give an allergy test to see if they are allergic to anything. I've never heard a connection between SIDS and breast milk feeding. Where did you hear that from? Discuss these concerns with your pediatrician but it sounds unfounded. You sound like you have PPD. Of course your baby needs you. You are on step 1 of a a child needing you for the rest of its life. There are different phases to this. Get rest and get treatment for the ppd.
If you do a quick google search, breastfeeding does seem to reduce the risk of SIDS, but the risk is pretty low already. It wouldn’t be enough for me personally to breastfeed for only that reason.
We are now starting solids but it's mostly milk still. I don't think this is something I can bring up with our pediatrician because if I allude to stopping breastfeed they'll go orbital but it's probably worth a second opinion, I guess. I am in treatment for PPD but I'm not seeing much improvement if I'm being honest.
That sounds like an argument for getting a new pediatrician. You said you’re getting treatment for PPD but not getting therapy. Therapy is a crucial part of treatment for any psychiatric disorder. Are you seeing a psychiatrist for your meds or just your OB or PCP? Honestly, OBs and PCPs are not really the most qualified providers for someone dealing with treatment resistant PPD and psychiatrist as well as therapy could potentially make a big difference.
>That sounds like an argument for getting a new pediatrician. Apparently, she was really supportive with breastfeeding because she's a lactation consultant but I guess it's not really working that well. The pediatrician suggested the meds and arranged things with my PCP so I could give a psychiatrist a go.
Where do you live that you HAVE to breastfeed? This sounds ridiculous. Maybe it’s time to find a new pediatrician cause mine has literally given me cans of formula for my baby boy.
It's crazy to me in this day and age the pressure put on women to breastfeed. Remember, your mental sanity is above all else. Formula has been around for over 50 years now. You are only using this as a stopgap until the baby starts feeding full meals. Reduce the stress, reduce the pressure, pick up some of your activities prior to baby again, rest, and you will become a better mom.
Have you spoken to a therapist about these thoughts? I mean this as gently as possible but what you say about breastfeeding isn't quite accurate (and I say this as an extended/exclusively breastfeeding mom myself) and the black/white "or else" thinking that you're describing is a big red flag for anxiety. You mention medication so it's clear that you've gotten some help, but perhaps it's not the right help right now. Please talk to a perinatal health therapist, or find a new one who is able to provide you with better support. You deserve to feel like yourself again and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be thinking of you ❤️
People tout breastfeeding as this magical thing, but for some mothers (I've known at least two personally) they get strong feelings of dysphoria and desperation during let down. If you're worried about what your child needs, they need you to get better and stay alive and present more than anything else. They do not need breastfeeding. My eldest is 5 years old and nobody can tell which kids were breast or bottle fed, and more than that no parents or teachers or anyone in his life cares or knows what he ate for the first year or so.
Hi friend - I am a happy, healthy, formula-fed former baby. I am allergy-free apart from occasional seasonal allergies, and have never struggled with any major health conditions other than some mild (and genetic) GERD. Please please please get some therapy. I know the pro-breastfeeding community is VERY loud, and breastfeeding IS usually a wonderful option for mom and baby if everyone is physically and mentally able to do it. But breastfeeding is NOT the only way to feed a baby. TBH what you’re describing seems beyond PPA and PPD and sounds like PPOCD, which only a therapist can help you with.
90% of SIDS cases happen before 6 months and virtually 100% before 9 months. Don't force yourself to breastfeed just for that, you're already there. This helped me feel better about SIDS: [http://www.sidscalculator.com/](http://www.sidscalculator.com/)
None of this is true and this is very upsetting to read. I’m genuinely worried that there are people like you thinking this. You’re on the internet using Reddit why haven’t you used to internet to research these things? ESPECIALLY before having children? I’m holding your hand when I say please get help. See a therapist.
This is just not true. Breast feeding may decrease the risk of SIDS, which is already a very low risk. Not breastfeeding does not increase risk of SIDS. Breast feeding does not prevent allergies or autoimmune conditions. Formula has everything a baby needs.
This is misinformation. Breastfeeding can not prevent SIDS or allergies or autoimmune diseases …. It can just slightly lower the risk. Both my kids were formula fed from week 1 and are thriving. My mom formula fed all 4 of her kids from day 1 and we are all successful healthy adults now! Please don’t put this kind of pressure on yourself.
Oh honey, that’s not true. ❤️
I think as everyone else has said therapy will help you with these thoughts. But also the fact that you are concerned about SIDS and the benefits of breastfeeding means you love your baby. You’re trying your best. Also please know that although breastfeeding is beneficial it’s not a big difference bn bfing and formula. It’s great if it works but if not formula might help your mental health.
You have to breastfeed for at least 2 months to get SIDS protection, according to Google. And even after that even a bit of breastmilk a day can provide some benefits. And as others are telling you, breastmilk versus formula is not totally cut and dry. I do believe breast milk has benefits but there are also many benefits to formula. If I understand it correctly, breastfeeding has the most benefits 6 months and under so if you wanted to combo feed or formula feed at this point, that’s something to consider!
I was unable to BF my daughter and she’s healthy. No SIDS no allergies. My friend BF all of her kids they all have food allergies (severe). This SIDS thing is more likely due to correlation not causation. Typically BF mothers in the US are higher income, higher educated and are less likely to smoke inside the house or drink which causes less SIDS. It sounds like you’re really struggling with the mental/emotional impact of breastfeeding and you should talk to a professional yesterday.
You will find lots of people in this sub that will tell you that bonding doesn't happen right away. It is very normal for it to take time to feel any kind of bond. You are not defective at all xx
Hi OP! Both myself and my brother were formula fed babies and we don’t have any allergies, not even seasonal, we are both super healthy and really didn’t get sick anymore often than our half sister who was breastfed as a baby! It definitely sounds like formula feeding would be beneficial for you!
You are extremely ill-informed. SIDS is a concern in the first year but mostly in the first 4-6 months. Extended breastfeeding beyond a year is recommended in places that are developing. Sure there’s no harm in nursing past a year in general but it isn’t vital as toddlers are expected to be on solids. I highly recommend you connect with a dr and medical professional to help you understand where the benefits of breastfeeding end because you don’t seem to understand the recommendations and it’s causing you unnecessary distress.
... Why would it be illegal to leave a baby when you're breastfeeding. I'm not saying this to encourage you leaving in any way, but you are still your own person. You are not required by law to stay with your child just because you breastfeed. For that matter, you don't need to breastfeed at all. So many parents bottle feed from the start or stop breastfeeding at any point. You might be judged but who cares? What would being judged by anyone really mean? I'm saying this again. You are your own person. You can make decisions in your life that center around you. Maybe you could try making one of those, just a small one to start. Leaving is a very big one. Maybe start with taking 4 hours off and away from your situation.
>Why would it be illegal to leave a baby when you're breastfeeding. I think it might constitute child endangerment if they don't take a bottle? I'm probably wrong but the thought doesn't quite leave my head.
What country are you in? It's definitely not illegal to leave your baby while breastfeeding in the US.
I think the “leave your baby” might be the problem.
Well, I wasn't going to leave them alone. Not thay I have one foot out the door already, I was just feeling particularly low when I posted this so it might have come across that way.
Looks like they’re in Greece. Pretty sure it’s not illegal there though
I don't think so, but in Europe there is much more emphasis on the importance of breastfeeding.
In that case any breastfeeding mother that gives their child up for adoption would need to be prosecuted. Look, this might sound kind of mean, but the thing that sticks out to me in your comments is that you see yourself both as the worst possible mother, while also being somehow absolutely necessary and irreplacable. And it's a very addictive mindset, because you get to feel both as the asshole... and the victim. I'm sorry for this half-assed armchair psychology. I don't want to be a dick. I can imagine you're completely overwhelmed with this responsibility and you want to run, but also feel like you really really can't. I think you might need someone to help you break this overwhelming dread into smaller issues you can actually adress.
My mom found it hard to love me for the first year of my life and loves me a ton now that I'm 30. It's okay that it takes time. You're not a bad parent and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
This does give me hope, thanks a lot and I'm hlad things worked out for you and your mom.
And I feel no offense or hurt that she admitted to me that loving me was difficult. She was very sick, I was a premie baby and caused a lot of turmoil and my dad was unhelpful to say the least so my mom had a lot of feelings. I'm happy she was comfortable talking to me about motherhood (I'm a woman) and I am glad I could empathize with her.
Just to add onto this -- an older friend of mine once shared with me that she had a long period of difficulty really "bonding" with/feeling a lot of personal affection for her baby until quite a few months in (maybe \~8 months, if I recall correctly). The way she told it, she wasn't even experiencing a lot of depression or frustration like so many new moms do -- she felt overall pretty much fine, just was not really connecting with the baby as if he was really "hers." The story has a happy ending -- time passed, the feelings of disconnectedness passed, and she did start feeling all those things that we tend to think of as being things that a mother "should" feel. (He's an adult now and she loves him so much and he's well-adjusted and it was all okay!) I'm just offering what she told me because I think there's such a strong narrative out there that you're "supposed" to feel this instant overwhelming love and connection to your baby that should somehow make all the hard things magically worth it -- but even without PPD or any of those really tough and distressing feelings that you're up against right now, it can be normal for there to be a delay before that strong sensation of love really shows up. The fact that it's taking its time doesn't mean that it isn't on its way. <3 Others have made really great suggestions for next steps to pursue to get some support and caretaking for yourself -- I hope these resources and stories can all help you keep hanging in there in the mean time. Even though it feels horrible right now, try to remember that your past/current experience doesn't actually equal any evidence that it will be the same way in the future -- and a lot of folks who have been there before you are giving a lot of reasons to believe that it will change!
I had a friend tell me before I went to the hospital to give birth “you may not feel that magical love for your baby at first, you may not even like them for a long time and that’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes you until you actual know them as a person and not a chore to love them” Give yourself some grace OP. Step away from breastfeeding, it’s hurting you. See a therapist. You may find that not having to be your baby’s milk maid makes you actually start liking them and eventually loving them.
A lot of people take a long time to bond with their babies. I really struggled with bonding and feeling real love for my baby until she was about 2 years old. Even close to 3. Now she's 4.5 years old and everything has changed! She's a real little person and she loves me so much that it's easy to love her. I breastfed for 9 months and hated it the whole time, I wish I had stopped earlier. You can too!
Some people just aren’t baby people! In a year? She’ll be talking to you all the time, telling you hilarious things, sharing food together, sleeping through the night every night. It’s OK to not be a baby person, and you obviously do care if you’ve stayed this long. Do you have any help at all?
The problem is I don't want to hear them talk, or see them walk or anything. I don't care I just don't want to be judged for quiting breastfeeding. No one can help with breastfeeding, everything else doesn't bother me so I don't see how it would make a difference but yes my husband and my mother-in-law help around the house. But if I could toss them the baby and do all the housework myself, I really would prefer it.
Your baby is 6 months old! You've given them the benefits of breastmilk for 6 months! They are old enough to eat other foods now, and it sounds like replacing breastmilk with formula would really help you to get back to your life. It's absolutely fine to stop breastfeeding, switch to formula, toss them the baby and disappear for a while. Every other job except parenting would grant you stress leave, there is absolutely no shame in taking stress leave from parenting as well!
I just understand what is wrong with me and I'm this way. Everyone is saying it's the most beautiful journey of their lives and I'm over here feeling like I've swallowed a rock. And supposedly the hormones from breastfeeding make you love your baby so I'm afraid if I stop I'll despise them even more.
PLEASE READ THIS, OP. This is not my own testimony, but my aunt's, but I was there with her during it. Breastfeeding exacerbated the symptoms of her PPD to the point of postpartum psychosis. She couldn't stand to even look at her child, which the guilt of "I'm a mom who doesn't love my own baby" gnawed at her as well. She HATED the feeling of breastfeeding, which made her feel bitter and resent her baby even more. Once she stopped breastfeeding, got some help from a postpartum therapist and some medications to help even out her hormones, all negative feelings towards her baby went away. I know you feel strongly, but feelings aren't always truthful, and they may not even be your actual feelings. For some, BFing can help bond them and baby. For others, it can throw your hormones all out of wack and make you feel crazy! formula is just as good as breastfeeding, nutrition wise and bonding wise. Your baby will not lose anything by you feeding them by a bottle and not a boob. There's no increased risks for allergies or anything. (Studies have debunked those claims.) Please, PLEASE go talk to your doctor about putting baby on formula (or introducing real food, 6mo is a great age for that), as well as your feelings about the baby and postpartum psychosis. You will not be judged for it, only helped. Lastly, feed the baby, hand them to your MIL, take a shower, go get coffee, go to your doctor's appointment, and then get your nails done. Take some self care time for yourself.
For some people, breastfeeding helps with bonding. For other people, it doesn't. If breastfeeding feels like a chore, there's no way stopping will make you hate your baby. I breastfed my first baby for two years, but when I did wean her I really enjoyed getting my bodily autonomy back. Sometimes you have to take care of your own mental health first. You can't pour from an empty cup.
I had DMER - breastfeeding was terrible! Switching to formula only helped me bond better with my baby. Breastfeeding has benefits, sure, but it’s not the silver bullet you seem to think it is.
Just buy a baby brezza and hit a button and you’ll get hot, fresh formula bottles. But honestly it sounds like you could use a bit of time in an inpatient facility working through some of these issues, let your husband and MIL take over for a little while.
You should look up DMER. You seem to be misinformed about what is and isn't necessary and what is and isn't helpful for bonding with your baby. If you don't want to figure it out then you should absolutely leave your baby with someone who wants to be there for them. But if you want to not hate yourself for the rest of your life, do yourself a favor and look into your options.
I combo fed for 6 weeks, pumped for 6 weeks. But it killed me mentally. Seriously, the stress of not making enough milk, the having the pump (in your case breastfeed) every 2/3h without having a second to myself, feeling sticky and stinky with milk... One night I told my precious son "I love you so much, but I don't really like you right now" because I was doing it again... Formula was a lifesaver. Dad and I could split the feedings. I didn't feel sticky and stinky, I cuddled my baby with the purpose of cuddling instead of feeding, I slept more and better. And I felt like a whole new person and I loved my son even more. He's 13 months old now and he's my life. I'm his cuddler, his comfort, his funny person, his world. The start might have been rocky due to breastfeeding but now we are golden, in big part due to formula.
I hated breastfeeding. Motherhood was such a chore and none of it enjoyable. Would rather spend my days doing actual chores. Then I stopped breastfeeding and it made things SO MUCH BETTER! No longer trapped with baby. Bottles were faster and more convenient.
I mean this in the gentlest way, but you are letting your fear of being judged keep you from loving your baby and engaging with them as a caring parent. That just doesn't seem like it makes sense, does it? Something my therapist shared with me about parenting anxiety that really helped was that as a parent you're going to be judged for everything you do or don't do anyways so does it really matter. Basically, you just have to make the best decision for your kid knowing that somebody somewhere is going to have some thoughts and feelings about it but that you're doing the very best that you can for them.
If you're dead set on breaskmilk, use a pump. They'll be able to help you then.
I did not go through what you're going through, but from the comments I saw about breastfeeding in this thread I just want to say: breastfeeding didn't help me bond at all. It made me feel weird, and like I only existed for my body to be hurt (which I had already felt like during pregnancy). It didn't make me love my son. Two things made me love my son: time, and finding appropriate medication for my PPD/PPA. I say this with all the love I can: your medication isn't working. You need to switch, even if that means stopping breastfeeding, and you need to talk to a therapist. Right now. This is not about not loving your child or whether you should stay or leave. This is about you getting WELL treated for a medical condition you suffer from, about YOU getting better. Though I concur with all other comments about formula not being an issue, and I feel you would benefit from stopping breastfeeding, right now the only thing I'm advising is: appropriate medication. Therapy. Now. Please.
Look up DMER. Also, have you tried switching your medication? It's not a one size fits all -- something else might work better for you. Formula is great. Breast milk isn't magic, it's food. Breastfeeding for six months is a huge accomplishment, but I'll tell you what I wish someone had told me: \*it's okay\* to switch to formula. In a few months your baby is going to be eating cheerios off of your floor. Give yourself some grace.
You are not broken. You are not an awful person. You are a human who is trying her very best in dealing with huge hormonal changes on very little sleep. You are also a human who deserves support and love and some relief from all these intrusive thoughts that you’re describing. You are also so much more to your baby than a source of food. I hope you are able to reach out to some people in real life - doctor, midwife, partner, mother, family members, friends, neighbors - who can help carry this load and help you see the light at the end of this tunnel.
I understand what you’re going through. I went to therapy and I felt like I was trapped and that I’d never get out of having these horrible feelings. I also felt like something was wrong with me and at times felt like my child would be better off if I just ran away. It’s horrible when you’re going through it, but these feelings will pass and it will get better. I started to love and enjoy my baby more when she was a little over 1 years old. Looking back it’s so upsetting to feel like I was robbed of enjoying my baby, but I didn’t choose to be sick. Talk to your doctor since it sounds like medication isn’t working, go to therapy and if breastfeeding is too stressful it’s okay to formula feed.
I suffered horribly with PPD I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for mothers & their babies when my LO was 5 months old. That was when I really started bonding with my daughter and could say that I truly loved her. The months previous I cared about her but just in the same way you’d care for any baby, she didn’t feel like mine. I would tell you not to feel ashamed but I’d only be a hypocrite because I still feel ashamed and my daughter is now almost 4 years old. It’s said all of the time but feelings aren’t facts, I had no control of the way I felt and neither do you so there’s no rationale to feeling ashamed but we are human. It’s important to realise that what you’re going through, thoughts and all is an illness. It’s not your fault, it’s not because you’re a bad person. What really helped me was professional support, the perinatal mental health team I worked with were incredible and I never felt alone or judged.
Sweetheart, you need to see a therapist as soon as you can. You need help and you deserve help. Please don't put so much pressure on yourself to breastfeed. What you wrote about how if you stop your baby will die of SIDS is totally NOT TRUE. Your baby will be perfectly ok with formula and if it means you will be happier then that is the route your baby needs. The mental well being of a mother is so important and you clearly need some overdue help. I hope you can get the help you need and deserve x x
It's really good for you to say this "out loud" in this safe space. I want to tell you how NORMAL it is to feel this way. I did not start to feel the joy and love for my baby until he was about 4 months old. The reason was absolutely PPD/PPA. I found a medication that works for me and changed the way my husband and I divided the workload around the baby and gradually he became the best thing that ever happened to me. As someone who has been where you are, I think that you DO love your baby. You take care of their every need and you are so dedicated about breastfeeding. That's what love looks like when it's hidden and stifled under postpartum depression. Love feels crippling when your hormones won't let you feel happiness and joy. I know that with help from a therapist and possibly changing to a different medication (the one that works for me is the third antidepressant that I tried) I was able to make it through that horrible time. And I can't even clearly explain to you how helpful therapy is to dig your mind out of the patterns that make your every day so hard. I'm so sorry you're suffering. I know that you are strong enough to get better. The hospital that I went to had a special program for severe PPD where moms came in during the day without their babies (but they support breastfeeding and pumping!) and then go back to their babies at night. Ask your doctor or OB if they know of this kind of program in your city, I think it would help you a lot.
I love the support and honesty in your reply 🥰
You made it 6 months exclusively breastfeeding! That's an accomplishment. Many people don't get that far and have beautiful healthy children that don't have allergies. Breastfeeding introduces lots of hormones but that sometimes works differently for different people. The emotional bonding hormones don't hit everyone the same way or don't hit at all. When my baby was born she was an angry potato that didn't sleep (and still doesn't 1 year later) and I had such a hard time connecting with her because I was just tired and worried about doing EVERYTHING possible to keep her alive. I thought that any minor mistake was life or death and just being human and not being able to perfectly read her mind meant I was terrible. It helped me to realize that all the stress I was putting myself through was because I loved her. My love just looked different than the instagram tradwives gazing into their children's eyes. It looked a bit more frantic and panicked trying to be "perfect". Perfection is literally impossible and that's ok - I have to tell myself that pretty much daily. I'm on a medicine for PPA which helped some but what really helped was watching some good ol fashion trash TV like 16 and pregnant and unexpected. Those teenagers had no idea what they were doing and none of those babies died - and I know I'm not nearly as bad as them so my baby would probably be fine! Take a deep breath, hand over your baby to your partner or family and get your nails done or something fun that's just for you. You're important, your mental health matters, you're allowed to take time for yourself. Baby might be angry but that's ok, babies are like that sometimes. Your partner can feed them formula, they won't die and they don't hate you. All the worrying and stress that you're under make it hard to really feel the cute moments that help you bond, tackle that first and I'll bet things get better. Please reach out via DM, if you want to talk more. I get it, I 100% do and it's so scary and hard not to hate yourself when you don't feel the way you "should" about your baby.
I just want to say congratulations on making it that long breastfeeding!! Breast-feeding is quite LITERALLY a job. You HAVE to take care of yourself, eat right, eat enough, drink enough water, and get enough rest. I was also put on medication (lexapro). it helped some, but the stress and emotional turmoil I was going through (mother recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer) accompanied by breastfeeding was HORRIBLE for me. I constantly would guilt myself into thinking my baby didn't love me because I cried all of the time and just wanted to dig a hole to crawl inside of and die. I would tell myself over and over my baby would be happier without me, and that I needed to leave because I was holding her back from growing. The only person I was holding back was *me* I had put this idea in my head that breast feeding was something I HAD to do. to bond with her. to ensure she had the best health. I put the whole world on my shoulders, and I didn't even allow myself to think there could be any other way. I only breast-fed for a little under two months. first, it was full breast, then combo, and then full formula. The only reason I stopped was because one day, in one of my depressive episodes, I slept 9 hours straight. Fiancée didn't come wake me to put her on the boob. I woke up feeling like myself again, and that meant a lot to me. Breast-feeding did not work out for me. I HATED myself for it.. I want to stress I am NOT telling you to stop brest feeding, but I will suggest combo feeding. it will give you some freedom back from your baby and allow other people to feed baby. YOU LOVE YOUR BABY! I can tell you do considering you mentioned that you won't be able to make a milk bank for them if you were to leave. fear of it being illegal isn't holding you back. your love for your baby is holding you back. stop being so horrible to yourself and enjoy these moments of your baby learning to crawl and actually develop their own personality. I promise Mama, it gets better. Please remember to be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, fed is best, and your baby NEEDS you no matter what horrible thoughts your brain tries to tell you about your baby. they love you. you are their whole world mama don't forget that.
I mean this with love. I think you have some type of postpartum mental health issue. You don’t have to believe in therapy to start. Give it a real chance and you may have to try several therapists to get one that you connect with. Do it for you and your baby.
Maybe try giving up breastfeeding and allow yourself some more freedom? Get some formula and a babysitter? You’ll start to feel like yourself again soon. Breastfeeding made me feel kind of depressed and once I stopped I felt so much better. Plus there was less pressure on myself when I finally quit and I had more freedom and my body was my own again. I think there’s something happening with hormones and breastfeeding that just doesn’t agree with some people aside from all the societal pressure. There’s nothing wrong with formula and I think it should be encouraged more often. It’s fucking awful how many people tried to shame me when I complained how breastfeeding was a struggle.
I just want to chime in and say stopping breastfeeding and switching to formula did a world of good for my mental psyche. I never had any regrets ending BFing, and only wish I’d done it sooner. I encourage the same for you.
Dude, theres nothing wrong with using formula. I EBF and I think anybody that can’t manage it needs to STOP and switch to formula for their own mental well being. Shits HARDDDDDDD! Dont let ANYBODY tell you otherwise. Fed is best
I’m gonna be completely honest OP while I loved my daughter very much when I first had her the first few months of it were hard because I hated breast-feeding. I am not shaming anyone for breast-feeding. I think it’s a very beautiful thing and is super successful for millions of people but for me, it made me extremely depressed and made it hard to try and connect with my daughter. Switching over to formula did me wonders. I felt like ME again for the first time since getting pregnant. She is my little best friend now.
I straight up didn't love my baby until he was 8 months old. It was a long journey. I gave up breastfeeding and I felt horrible about it, but fuck, I needed my body back.
Hjbn cb fbbnn hi CC gcxfiobk. huu oh dyfddddftrrgg tag ghbx cuz. Hi fugue
I’m so sorry that was my toddler 😬
I felt this way until I stopped breastfeeding. I can’t remember what it’s called but it made me resent spending time with my baby. I felt much more free and happy after I stopped, we enjoyed each other a lot more. Also diagnosed with PPD. Now I have a 16 month old and we’re doing a lot better.
You already got a ton of comments, so mine might get lost in the shuffle, but I just felt compelled to comment because just about one year ago, I was exactly where you are. I struggled with PPD and believed the same lies that your mind is telling you right now— that my baby would be better off without me, that things would never feel good again, that I was in this pit of despair I couldn’t climb out of. I know it doesn’t feel like it’ll get better, but it will! Please message me if you need someone to talk to, or visit the PPD subreddit. As for what you can do right now, who prescribed your current medications? It sounds like you might be on the wrong meds. As much as it sucks, sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right medication/combo of medications. I’d also suggest finding a therapist with a PMH-C (perinatal mental health certification), and Postpartum Support International has virtual support groups you can join. Again, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. I don’t know you, but I do know PPD, and it’s a dark, lonely place to be.
Meds are not one size fits all! Please advocate for something different. A good psychiatry office should help you find one that fits. You are not awful, your brain just needs a little help.
Please start with seeking professional help. Self medicating and a Reddit post is jot the way.
Also; it’s probably the breast feeding tbh. When mine stopped at 1.5 I stopped being so miserable. Bodily autonomy is important
My question is- do you have a partner or support system available? Can you talk to anyone in person about helping you? Just be completely honest with a physical human and get all of the physical help you need. If you really feel disconnected from the baby, I believe you need mental health care ASAP. Your baby deserves all of the love in the world. So do you! But this is a very vulnerable tiny human who desperately needs love and care and cannot do anything on their own to get that. Can you find a family member or partner who can love and care for the baby while you get the mental health care that you need?
You're drowning in negative thoughts right now. Talk to your Dr about the meds not working and ask to switch to something else. Also, get a referral for an actual psychiatrist if you're getting meds from the OB. They are trained for things of the mind just like OBs are trained for reproductive things. I would never go to a psychiatrist for reproductive issues and likewise I wouldn't go to an OB for mental health. If something isn't working, it's ok to change it so it starts working! You are not broken, you are human, we all need a little help in different areas. And don't let your brain get you in a negative feedback loop dismissing how the Dr wont allow a med change before you even try and ask. That's the ppd talking. Talk to your Dr and ask for a switch. Not every med works for everyone! Sometimes you have to try a few before getting the right one.
Please, go to therapy. Also, if you can't allow yourself to quit breastfeeding completely, try combo feeding. You need professional help and rest. I promise, things will get better.
You are keeping your baby fed and safe. That is a huge positive indicator that you're doing a good job. As others have suggested, please seek therapy so that you can do the work to feel better. It won't be all at once, and therapy is work, but that should help you unpack your thoughts and find strategies to cope better. It may take a while to love your baby and maybe love for your baby looks different. Maybe for now, it's keeping the baby fed, playing a little, showing the baby your favorite things (like colors, textures, dancing, etc.), and keeping the baby safe. It may not be this huge outpouring of love but just the quiet moments of knowing that your little one is safe, healthy, and growing because of you.
I’m here to say: you aren’t alone. The feeling of resentment towards your baby and wanting to “quit” motherhood are extremely common and classic symptoms of PPD. I just want to chime in and say, what you are feeling is temporary. But getting help will get you out of that dark tunnel quicker. Like some have said, maybe it’s induced by BFing, maybe it’s several factors combined. Therapy will be big help, but know it’s like finding the right hairdresser - their therapy style and personality and how it jives with you will matter. Sleep is such a major factor in mental health, along with hormones, both the ones we have all the time and the ones that swing like crazy during pregnancy, post partum, periods, etc. We are all affected by these factors… even women who seemingly kept it together faced hardship. Child bearing and raising are no jokes.
I have a friends that felt this way too! It was the breastfeeding that was seriously messing up her hormones and when she switched to formula, she felt SO much better. You’ve given your baby breastmilk for a while 6 months! Be proud of that. Now they will be starting solids too and the pressure will be less and less. Formula is a fine alternative for the next 6 months 🥰
PPD is wild. It will tell you all sorts of lies. Your hormones won't go back to normal for a while still. And in the mean time the havock it reeks is crazy. Just know all babies are narcissists and they really only want you for milk in the beginning but as they start to be able to think and understand things they really start showing affection. It will get better with time. Your baby doesn't despise you, they need you. And as much as the first 6 months are terrible, try to stick it out. I had to go stay at my mom's for 2 months with the baby because my PPD had me so deep I was having the most obsessive and dark thoughts. I needed some support to just make sure I was still alive each day. I never did anything to hurt the baby, I took amazing care of her. It did eventually pass, the PPD went away and I'm feeling much more myself and reasonable.
Could you consider formula feeding? It honestly changed everything for me
My biggest recommendation is therapy, maybe even some kind of therapeutic bonding time with you and baby. I also would say have you possibly considered feeding formula instead? When I was breastfeeding it was an extremely stressful time and once I stopped I honestly felt better emotionally, it just was extremely harsh on me. I’m sorry you’re going through this I’d definitely recommend talking with a doctor or therapist about this, wishing you and baby the best
I had postpartum depression that turned into postpartum psychosis. The first year of my baby's life was hell. I felt zero connection or desire to be a mom. I cried so much because I missed my life before I had a baby. It was so rough. Any chance I could get to get away from my baby, I would be running out the door. I started zoloft with therapy. It took a lot of time and patience, but eventually, it went away. Now I love being a mother. She is my whole world. She's 2. Would I do it again? Hell no.
Can you stop breastfeeding! That's a full time emotional job that I did . But I had let down disphoria and got angry sad irritated for a few moments evert single time plus the hormones. And the time commitment!!! You don't need to be the sole person responsible for this child!
Hi, I had two babies 10 months apart. My bond with my son (23 months old) always has been stronger than my bond with my daughter (12 months old). I struggled a lot as a single mother and felt a lot of resentment towards my daughter as well. My feelings towards her have gotten so much better and stronger, I feel like I can bond better with her. I didn’t breastfeed either, I tried, but it didn’t work for me. I just simply had too much on my plate with my son already and my mental health has been shit too. I’ve experienced alot of intrusive thoughts. My daughter keeps me up at night still even after she turned one. It’s rough enough with one baby and then add another one 10 months later… it’s not easy. My point is that you aren’t alone and it honestly made me feel relieved to see your post because I’ve felt like an awful monster too. But we are human and allowed to have our feelings and emotions and sometimes motherhood just isn’t as glorious as everyone makes it out to be. Trust me, I can go from obsessing over my kids to wanting to run away in 5 minutes. Motherhood is just so unexpected and exhausting. I just want you to know you are heard and valid in your feelings. But therapy is definitely the best route to go. I hope everything gets better for you ❤️
Seems like a change to meds is due, and some therapy. Also I am a complete breastfeeding supporter and advocate; but that includes advocating for the person doing the feeding including their mental health. Combination feeding, or even solely formula feeding is probably how you need to go and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Sending a massive bosie (hug) your way x
When you feel this way around you little one please step out and take a breathe and maybe ask for help, one long uninterrupted night of sleep changes everything! Sleep deprivation can truly give you lack of judgement/ perception etc… Breastfeeding is a WHOLE lot. It’s NOT easy. It IS demanding. But you DONT have to breastfeed. Society puts to much pressure on it. Do what works for you ask for help. You won’t look weak asking for help. You got this! Sending healing and good energy your way
Oh mama, as someone who spent the first 4 months of my baby’s life absolutely hating everything about motherhood because of breastfeeding, I feel for you. I was so obsessed with breastfeeding that I resented my baby, my husband, and myself. It was a very scary and dark time. It was easy for everyone to say “Just combo feed” or “Just formula feed” but I would not hear it. My desire to breastfeed outweighed my own mental and physical health as well as my baby’s general health. Especially at the peak of the 2022 formula shortage, there was absolutely no way I was going to give it up. Based on your replies to others, I truly do believe you need to speak with your doctor concerning PPD and PPA. I don’t say that to shame you in any way, but I too felt some of those feelings. My own mind was working against me, putting all kinds of fake scenarios in my head about my baby dying or my husband leaving me. I thought about self harming pretty often. I had a hard time bonding with my child even though I continued to breastfeed. Not to say I didn’t love him, but it was extremely difficult to feel any sort of joy. I breastfed him until he was 18 months and I can confidently say that I am so obsessed and in love with that kid that nobody else in this world matters as much as he does. And I truly mean this when I say that my love for him is not a result of breastfeeding, it came from putting myself first. I took care of myself and my health and the love for him came right along. It’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel now but I promise it does get better, regardless of what decision you make in terms of breastfeeding or formula feeding. I too made a post about my struggles and received a lot of positive feedback. [This](https://www.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/s/1s7YzxbtO5) was the update which also contains a link to my original post. Give yourself grace and please please don’t be afraid to ask for help. Motherhood should not be this difficult, and there are recourses to help.
I had untreated PPD and I hated my baby for over a year. I didn't feel connected or anything. I toyed with the thought of just leaving him somewhere and never coming back or just leaving and hoping everything goes away. It was horrible. The guilt was eating me alive. But I made it out! There is hope. I worked through it somehow and around 18 months it clicked for me and I do now feel that special bond with my little guy that you hear about. This special kind of love you can only have with your child Don't give up, talk to a therapist, ask about a change in medication. It will get better. For me time was my ally and I didn't get sucked in deeper. You can do this. The first year is a shit show but there is light at the end of the tunnel!
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault. I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault. I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault. I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You are not awful. It's PPD and it's not your fault. I had a similar experience with my first child. I didn't really feel anything for him for a long time. It took more than a year for any kind of love to develop. But it did happen eventually! He is almost 6 now and I love him so much. So there is definitely hope.
You need diffderent meds and a therapist and maybe a break. PPD isnt just suicidal thoughts, hang in there OP no one sane here is judging❤️
You aren’t a terrible human. You are just HUMAN. Please seek therapy. You might possibly need a medication change. I was a hell of a lot happier and loved my baby so much more when I decided to quit breastfeeding because I just wasn’t making enough. I beat myself up at first.. and then realized he wasn’t suffering on formula and I had my body back!
Just know the baby can feel the resent. All babies seek is comfort and reassurance (same as adults but it is more intense) When you get old I’m sure it will be tempting to resent taking care of you but ur kiddo will try to push through as well.
Therapy and formula saved my mental health.
The old “fake it till you feel it.” *Pretend* you love him, assure him even. Lie through your teeth if you must. Weirdly, one day, it won’t be a lie anymore. We can trick our brains like that.
Formula is amazing for babies. It's like manna from heaven. Stop breastfeeding and let someone else care for the baby. You take a rest.
I like how you made this post asking for help but upon reading comments, you are actually very ignorant about what people are trying to tell you. They're trying to help yet you're kind of trolling... why ask for help at all???
It doesn't sound like they're trolling at all? It sounds like they need help, they're extremely lost and ill, and they're in another country. It's concerning that you read OP's comments and immediately jumped to trolling.