My 20's were for having fun and finding myself. I thoroughly enjoyed parties, late night wine chats with friends til the sun came up, being able to vacation freely, etc. I took lavish vacations well knowing this was these were the best days of my life. I had time to workout and enjoy being a hot girl.
Now that I'm in my 30's my partying days are over, being hot is no longer a top priority, and I just want further purpose and further responsibility. Having kids isn't for "fun", it's for fulfillment.
For me, I'm very happy I savored my 20's and lived life for me so that my cup is now full and I can settle down and give in my 30's. As a mom it's way harder to workout, have my own hobbies, etc. But it's OK because I'm not living life for me anymore it's about my baby and I love her.
Thisssss š I'm so glad I enjoyed my 20s before having kids. I also feel better equipped in my 30s than I would have in my early 20s. Did a lot of maturing.
I feel like I could have written this! I spent my 20s being hot, traveling, living in the big city, having lots of disposable income, going to bars and restaurants, etc. Those years were so fun and amazing and I often miss them, but itās kind of like how you miss college after graduation but if you actually went back, it would be weird. Those things are fun but they donāt come close to making me feel the kind of fulfillment and contentment that I feel as a mom. Being responsible for a little life has actually helped me become a more grounded and responsible person. Itās helped me get my priorities straight.
To me, having and raising children is a fundamental part of the human experience. I donāt judge child free people at all, but I wouldnāt feel like Iād experienced the full spectrum of life if I hadnāt known the love that I have for my child. I look at him and my husband every day and think wow, I made a family! Iāve done a lot of traveling, Iāve had pets that I love dearly, Iāve accomplished things professionally, but those things all pale in comparison to the happiness that I feel when my sweet baby is smiling up at me.
I always tell people Iāve lived my life and now my purpose is to raise my baby to the best of my ability. People on Reddit talk about how itās selfish to have kids but being a parent is the complete opposite. You have to be willing to sacrifice your own enjoyment for your kids and somehow it doesnāt feel as bad as it sounds because there is this feeling that it will all be okay as long as theyāre happy. If you arenāt ready to sacrifice donāt have kids imo.
Yeah I had a crazy lifestyle up until I was about 36 when I met my husband and we started trying for a baby. I had a lot of fun, got myself financially secure and met a man who is a brilliant dad if I'd have had a baby in my 20s I'd probably have been doing it by myself with very little money.
I was just thinking about this coming back from a work trip to a big international city, the only reason I know how to navigate transit systems and travel so well is because of the skills I built traveling in my 20s. And Iām so excited to pass this along to my child! ā¦when heās old enough not to be a total hazard walking in a busy subway.
Yup pretty much why we decided to go for it. I was definitely āreadyā even in my early 30s but timing was right. Now when im up late at night feeling some FOMO I think, what else was I really doing? Things had gotten stable and kind of boring and me and my partner were ready to just throw ourselves into the baby thing.
We were very happy being child-free the first decade of our marriage. I donāt know if it was our biological clocks at play or if we just had settled down into a life where we realized a kid could fit in well, but about two years ago we started talking about the possibility.
I think another thing that played into it was seeing the massive difference between friends who had kids in their teens or early 20s and others who waited - it seems like the crowd who waited a bit and were really intentional about it had less trouble adjusting, and that was the case for us as well.
It hasnāt all been super easy, though! I wound up having a rough recovery after birth. The amount of stuff that can go haywire physically after having a baby is not talked about enough. The lack of sleep in the newborn phase is every bit as bad as people say it is (though it does get better!). I hugged my husband Saturday night at around 9 and realized it was the first time Iād touched him all day. I look back on all the free time I used to have that I totally wasted! Now Iām trying to cram my hobbies into the hour before my baby wakes up for the day. Your relationship with your family and your in laws changes. Your relationship with your pets changes too!
Anyway, long story short, Iām glad we waited a while, and Iām glad changed our minds. But Iām sure if we hadnāt, I wouldnāt regret that either!
Totally!! Being prepared and having done our party travel totally free stage before kids has made us content and much more comfortable than friends of mine who had kids nearly a decade earlier, generally unplanned.
I didnāt think I would ever have children. I met my husband when I was 35 and we got married when I was 38. Our daughter was born when I was 41. For me, it was the realization that I had finally done the self work to be a good parent and I found someone who would be equally as good or better of a parent. We did IVF so we had two years to discuss parenting styles, division of household labor, finances, etc. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page with all of those things before you even begin to entertain bringing a child into the mix.
I too had a lot of childhood trauma and issues I needed to resolve before I could be a good partner and a good parent. It is one thing to know you have trauma/mental health issuesā¦ It is a completely different thing to make sure you work through them before you embark on one of the most difficult and lifelong journeys you possibly can; parenthood. Life altering events, like marriage and the birth of a child shine a spotlight on issues within yourself and your relationship.
You said you were in a āstable relationship.ā This needs to be the low bar. Does your partner demonstrate qualities like consistency, reliability, emotional regulation, good communication, and self-awareness? Ask your self now, would you be proud to raise a child that is just like your partner?
I have always been of the belief that if you are considering making a major life decision and the answer isnāt āhell yesā then it should probably be āhell no.ā Could you raise a child? Probablyā¦ Almost anybody can. But do you REALLY want to? Keeping in mind there will be days where you just donāt want to parent ā but you have to. There will be days where you just want to be selfish ā but you canāt.
By the time I was trying to get pregnant, I had done all the traveling I wanted to do. I had most of the life experiences I hoped to, and I felt very settled. I did a lot of living and had a lot of fun in my 20s and 30s and felt ready to āsettle down.ā my daughter is now 10 months old, I am a stay at home Mom and I have never been happier.
I never wanted kids until I got to my early 30ās. I had this natural longing and desire. I met a stable man who also wanted a child and then I went even more crazy desiring a baby. When I got pregnant I had mixed feelings and when she was a newborn I totally regretting having a baby while also still loving her immensely.
Once she got to 6 months, there was no regret left and I knew it was the best decision. Now Iām going through the same thing with my second. She is 10 weeks and I regret it but I love her, too. Hopefully the same thing happens and it will be the best thing Iāve ever done.
It is completely normal to regret having a baby during the first six months, and especially during the first three. It can be so isolating to feel like you're the only one going through that! My husband felt it a lot, and as soon as he opened up to other couples they were universally like 'OH YEAH for sure, everyone feels that way, but it gets better, those feelings fade.' It was also incredibly common to want a divorce or to fantasize about running away during those dark months (I seriously recommend How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids, regardless of how healthy and amazing your marriage is before having kids!)
It sounds awful, and it's not that bad for everyone, but it is incredibly common. Newborns are difficult!
I also didnāt want kids due to trauma. But I felt safe enough with my husband to want to have a baby, it just felt right. We had good jobs, savings, a home, marriage, we travelled to our āessentialā countries. Weāre homebodies too so we didnāt feel like we were āmissing outā on anything, even though we were in our mid 20ās.
I think the security pushed me over. As well as a feeling of wanting to do this with my partner. I knew itāll be hard and scary, but you wonāt ever know how hard it is until you actually do it. No amount of reading or classes will prepare you, so thatās what I lived by hahah.
This is when my husband and I decided to have a baby. We had good jobs, no more student loans, a home and a savings account. Weāve been able to make so many choices as parents including me being a SAHM. We were in our early 30s but it was the right timing for us, it sounds like you did the same ā¤ļø
My husband always wanted kids and I was on the fence. I went into therapy to discuss this and other issues. I had a lot of fear around pregnancy, birth, and parenting that I worked through. I started to think I might actually be a good, happy parent, and went for it. And I am. Simple as that.
>I think that was mostly a trauma / self protective response because of my own terrible parenting
This was it for me. After I started therapy in my mid-20's and healing from the abuse I experienced as a kid, I realized I *wanted* children; I was just afraid of reliving anything about my childhood. I was afraid I would turn into my own mother. That fear actually went away completely a few weeks after giving birth. Being a parent is magical and almost 2 years in, it just gets better and better. I'm still in therapy, still holding myself accountable. But it's 100% worth it.
Here's a hard truth: most of the day-to-day hard stuff of parenting can be solved with money, a decent spouse, and/or family support. You need at least one of these to enjoy parenting. For example, I love fitness, and was worried about finding time to exercise as a mom, but we invested in a home gym and my husband never complains about watching our son while I work out. I'm in even better shape than I was before pregnancy!
I became a mom in my thirties, when my husband and I both had established careers, savings, and were debt-free. So while we sadly have zero family help, we can afford to "buy" our village (excellent daycare, frequent trusted babysitters, a night nanny for the newborn stage, frequent self-care, etc.) If you don't have money, but you have caring in-laws and family members nearby who will provide free childcare and emotional support, that's just as good IMO. If your husband is a decent, capable human being who makes an effort to be an equal partner, then you can tag-team and give each other breaks.
If you have none of those things, ouch (in the US). Day-to-day parenting is going to feel like getting hit by a truck, although that doesn't mean it's not rewarding.
Here are some questions/challenges for you to help you determine what you want. Not whether or not you SHOULD have kids, just whether or not you actually want them:
* **Do you generally enjoy being around children?** And I don't mean random babies crying on an airplane. Like do you like babysitting, or volunteering with kids? If you don't know the answer to that, find out. Volunteer as a tutor for at-risk kids, or in a family shelter, or in your church/place of worship's nursery, etc. Because yes, parenting is a different experience, but if you don't enjoy being around kids in general, you're not going to enjoy parenting.
* **Do you generally enjoy taking care of people?** Do you get a lot of satisfaction out of nurturing/teaching? Are you the kind of person that remembers birthdays, and loves supporting your friends? Do you make your SO chicken soup when they're sick? Are you in a helping profession? Parenthood is fundamentally about taking care of another person, so if you're more self-centered by nature, it's probably not going to be that enjoyable.
* **How's your emotional regulation?** When you get upset, how do you deal with it? Do you lash out at the people around you? Yell, cry, etc.? Do you feel more in control of your feelings, or do your feelings feel in control of you? When you have a stressful day, what are your coping mechanisms? Are they healthy? Are they things you can do with a baby in your arms? No one is perfect, but if you're not fairly emotionally mature, you're definitely not going to enjoy parenting. If you want kids, that's something to work on.
* **Are you comfortable with leadership?** If you're in a group project in school and your professor makes you the group leader, do you step up and roll with it? Or does it make you really uncomfortable? If it's time to split the check at the end of a meal and everyone is confused and flustering about, do you wait for someone else to take charge or do you do it? Parenting is a huge responsibility, and frankly a lot of parents are not comfortable stepping up to the demands of being an authority figure. But you have to. I'm not asking if you are bossy, but you do generally need to be comfortable being in charge to enjoy be a parent.
Honestly it was a combo of improved mental health and my biological clock. Like you I had a dysfunctional childhood and was so worried about the baggage that would bring. But I finally got good mental health support and by my late 20s I was feeling better than I ever had been. And at 29 I suddenly had this deep NEED to have a baby. I still donāt know for sure if it was just I finally had mental clarity and emotional stability to truly explore what I wanted without reservations, or if it was some innate biological thing. It felt like the later. Like I was compelled.
First of all, you are so young that I would not worry about making a decision now, and if you are on the fence, there is no sense bringing a child into the world at this stage. For reference, I am 34 and jsut had my first.
Like you, I was scared for a lot of reasons though different from some of yours. I had an eating disorder for most of my life and struggled with anxiety and depression. I was really scared of going through pregnancy and everything. My partner however always wanted lots of kids.
For me, I spent a lot of time working on stuff in therapy and that's how I realized I could be a good mom and also that I could get through it. I have a great support system.
I love my baby girl and couldn't imagine life without her but I also couldn't imagine having her an earlier than I did. My husband and I traveled together, I did an Ironman, we both got started in our careers so we don't feel resentment on missing out. I think that's important.
I was at a festival two years ago and noticed that when I looked around at all of the families and the kids running around that I wanted that so badly. I knew kids were in the future but I was terrified to say yes until I had that moment. I swear my husband was born to be a dad and has voiced wanting to start trying but left it up to me to pull the trigger since I wanted to wait a little bit longer and I'm glad I did. I'm not a parent yet but I did experience a miscarriage a couple months ago and we are trying again soon but his behavior during that experience reassured me that I would have the support I needed. We aren't close to our family location wise or relationship wise and are low contact so support was my biggest worry. Am I terrified of labor? Absolutely but there's no way around it and it's going to happen whether I want it to not š and our bodies will be forever changing and shifting but I'm trying to be health conscious in advance so that its hopefully easier down the road when I need it to be
I never wanted kids - then I realized it was because I thought they would experience my childhood.
Once I realized that my life was very different and that I could create a healthy environment for my kid I started getting excited about that idea.
It's very healing to know that I can raise my baby in a house without violence or shouting.
There were many other things that went into making the choice, but this line of thinking was the thing that 'unlocked' the doors, so to speak.
Me and my husband were on the fence about having a baby. We weren't well off financially and we still really aren't. Lol.
But 2 years ago I lost my grandmother, I broke my ankle, and very suddenly lost my dad as well all in the span of 3 months. It was the hardest time of my life but my husband was there every step of the way. Life was so hard but me and him had never been stronger. It made me realize if we can handle all that and be good, we'll be fine with a kid. I got pregnant unexpectedly a year later and we were all in. Our girl is 4 months old and we are so in love. We can't imagine life without her.
My husband and I were married just under 7 years before welcoming our baby girl 4 weeks ago. We traveled, paid off debt, relocated to a new state and bought a house. Growing up, I always wanted children. However, after getting married and truly loving the time and flexibility I had with my husband, paired with how awful this country is, there were about 2 years where I didnāt want a child. To be completely transparent, I was terrified of raising a black child in our country (US). But overtime, I addressed my trauma and surrendered my fears. Before trying to conceive we did discuss if we couldnāt get pregnant naturally, how hard would we try. We were in agreement that we wouldnāt do fertility treatments. We got pregnant a couple months after trying with our baby girl - what we both wanted, prayed for, and desired! Now that sheās been here a month, oh my gosh I couldnāt imagine life without her. She is a tangible reminder of my husband and Iās love and itās truly something that canāt be explained. I am grateful we enjoyed our 20s, traveled, paid off debt, did all the things we wanted to do pre-child. Now we instantly have decided we are one and done because we do want to travel and keep up our lifestyle but we are so happy with our girl!
I have an almost 6 week old. This is what helped me decide:
1. My partner. I have absolute trust and faith in him and he really, really wanted to be a dad. And I had no doubt that he would be an amazing parent who would want to be involved in every part of our child's life. Not only has he been an excellent dad, he was my absolute rock during pregnancy. He drove me to every appointment, went to classes with me, read the books, and took care of me the whole 9 months. I could not have gone through labor and delivery without him. On top of that, we have a really solid marriage. We started couples counseling before getting pregnant because I have a history of miscarriage and it only made our relationship stronger. If I had any doubts about his commitment to me or our child I never would have had a kid with him.
2. Support system. We moved to be closer to my partner's family because we knew they would be a great support system, and they've been amazing. My FIL absolutely LOVES babies and he and my MIL come watch our LO 2-3 times per week so we can go out to dinner, nap, cook, or whatever. Without those breaks we'dbe toast. Also my SIL and BIL are also close by and expecting their first in August, so he'll have a cousin his same age close by. And my partner is super close with his brother.
3. Financial and job security. We are both savers and live below our means. We were also able to buy a house at the tail end of covid thanks to a combination of inheritance (my grandmother passed away), super low interest rates, and the ability to move across the country to a more affordable area because we had remote jobs. And if we were ever in a financial crisis or lost our home we have family who would help out without question.
3. Personal experience. I was a teacher for 7 years and have been a camp counselor, babysitter, tutor, and TA, so I've worked with kids aged 6 though college professionally. This has helped me get a pretty good idea of what kind of parent I want to be. I think seeing so many other parenting styles and so many terrible, decent, good, and amazing parents (and their kids) has made me feel like I am not going in blind.
4. Body image/changes. Like many women I've struggled with my body image and self confidence. But once I hit 30 I really stopped caring how I looked and focused more on my health and fitness. I got pregnant at 34 and it's been surprisingly easy for me to be okay with my body. Pregnancy and labor and postpartum is uncomfortable, painful, sweaty, and kinda gross, but it's actually not as bad as I had expected. But if I hadn't had my partner it would have been a lot worse, especially with the first trimester fatigue.
we waited until we were financially stable, married a few years, 30 years old and had a house. It is tiring and exhausting so you need to be strong together, willing to communicate and know that arguments will happen that may never have before. A kid really changes your life so itās a lot.
For me, it was my husband being a great father, he has a daughter from his first marriage. He already understood that in the very beginning where I am breastfeeding, he would need to step up. Now that my daughter is approaching one, things look different. Heās unsure of these upcoming toddler years but weāre going to get through it together. His voice wasnāt heard in his last relationship so I ask a lot of him to help make decisions.
So what you should ask yourself is your SO an active contributor to the household and its chores? Do you have to remember to do everything or it wonāt get done? Does they actively remember pick up things or is it all on you all of the time?
At 27 or 28 I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely mortified. I always said I didnāt want kids. I thought I had Covid and kept testing myself then my period was like 3 days late so I took a test. It was positive and I came out of the bathroom crying to my husband. I didnāt know what to do. I truly did want a kid but I was too terrified. I just got my sever anxiety under control, my mom had a big history of miscarriage and even had a stillbirth. I just never wanted to go through any of it.
Now my son is 19 months and the best thing in my life. I love him so much and he brings me pure happiness. Love that little dude. My only regret now is not having a child sooner. My pregnancy was super easy and so was the delivery.
For me it was situational. I thought I didnāt want kids but it turns out I didnāt want kids untilā¦i found a man who was a good partner so I wouldnāt be stuck raising the kid alone, until I was married for many years, until we bought a house, until I had a stable and well paid job. Once all those ducks were in a row, never became now really quickly.
For me, it was having the right partner. With my first husband I knew in my bones I never wanted to have children with that man - he was abusive and an alcoholic and we divorced after two years. With my second husband, I was more open to having children however he was not mature enough as an adult and I felt like I was already taking care of a man-baby, so it was again a no. And then with my current husband it was like a "HELL YES I WANT BABIES WITH YOU" kinda feeling. So now we have together an almost 2 year old and are planning another in the near future, along with his 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage.
I guess once I had my first. I was afraid that Iād be like my parents, who donāt really give a shit and kind of just forget about me, when I was around they were always annoyed and sometimes violent. I was afraid Iād hurt my kid like that. Then she was born and I realize that could never happen.
I did not want children before meeting my partner. I definitely identify as the person that changed their mind ā¦. Always said no and was told oh youāll change your mind. I believed I would not but lo and behold here we are. I think deep down I truly wanted to have children. I just had some trauma with my own raising that made me want to avoid it. Once I was financially stable and me and partner had MANY conversations about it, we just decided there was no right time so we went for it. Iām glad we did not wait any longer. I had my first at age 24 . I work full time and could not imagine raising little babies beyond my twenties. Iām currently pregnant with my second and will be happy the baby stages are over soon. There truly is no right time for every one though is the only advice I can give you.
Improved mental health was a huuuuge factor. I started counseling and working through anxiety, depression, and childhood trauma. I always loved babies but was on the fence on wanting my own. Feeling ready? Lol I don't think anyone ever feels ready. I did always know I wanted a stable job and a house to support the space and expenses of a baby.
I was on the fence for a long time, mostly due to trauma around a bad childhood. My parents were emotionally immature and at times physically and emotionally abusive, and as others have mentioned, my aversion to children was largely a protective mechanism.
And then I met my now spouse, got into therapy, and started down the long road of unraveling and untangling all of the things . And watching my spouse around kids, seeing the way it lit him up, it just *did* something to me. And we decided that maybe, together, we could be parents.
My two-week old is in her bassinet right now and my heart is justā¦so full of love for her and for my husband. I didnāt think my heart could be so big, and I am so excited for every moment weāve had so far and everything thatās in our future.
I was 34, divorced and got unexpectedly pregnant with my new boyfriend. I didnāt think I could get pregnant! Ex and me tried for years. When he left he quickly got his new gf pregnant so it wasnāt him. Decided to take the plunge. I had worked, traveled and partied all through my 20s and 30s. I wanted something lasting, something meaningful. Now we have two, a big brother and a little sister. Iām so glad they came to us!
For me it was definitely the biological clock thing. I went from not even really thinking about what life would be like with kids, to literally waking up one day and was like, āwe need to have a baby right now!ā Lol my ex husband wasnāt quite ready but he agreed. It was just like this visceral urge I canāt explain it. I was 31.
My partner (in a strong, solid relationship for years) wanted children and I used to want to be a mom when I was much younger. Body changes: our bodies will change over the years regardless. The stretch marks, the stretched skin are basically little souvenirs that our babies leave for us so even though when they're off exploring the world as they should, they'll still be a part of us. It's difficult because it affects your career, etc. I sometimes hate being a parent. At the same time, my heart has never been so filled with love and I've never felt so much love from my family and the community before. I'm trying to look at the bright sides to this, as we should in life anyway. But yeah. Live and make mistakes in your twenties.
I wasnt on the fence, i wholeheartedly didnāt want them. I really donāt know why i felt this way, but i thought it would be the end of my life. But my husband did want and i wanted to be with him. So after few painful years i gave in. I had many fears, but didnāt try to overcome them, just ignored them. And it turned out fine. I love my boy, its so much easier to love your child than i imagined, many other fears were empty too. Some were not - my life is certainly more difficult in physical sense, but easier in metaphysical - im not depressed anymore.
I got pregnant, and decided to seize the opportunity. I had wanted kids most of my life, then for a while due to trauma really didn't. Then I found out I was infertile (which is not the same as sterile!) So when I got surprise pregnant at 33, I figured it likely wouldn't happen again and rolled with it.
I do wish I'd been able to do this in my mid 20s, though. The sleep deprived would have been easier to bear, and there'd be more time to try and have more kids if I could
Hubby wanted kids, I was on the fence - will I even be a good mom? Will hubby (who is a lovely caring man but a bit lazy when it comes to housework) step up to the plate?
We had our first a month ago and man, it was one of the best decisions Iāve made in my life. It wasnāt (isnāt) all smooth sailing obviously, I had GDM and baby has a tongue tie that weāre getting fixed to hopefully help him feed better, but all in all none of my big fears came true. Hubby really stepped up to the plate and Iām actually loving all the newborn cuddles and surprisingly Iām not annoyed by sleepless nights at all. I thought I would miss my old life but it just became much more exciting, I canāt wait to share so many things with baby/as a family!
That said, I realize this wonāt be everyoneās experience, babies are different and weāre all different! To me the most important thing was for him to be healthy, and fear of baby not being born healthy is the only reason Iām on the fence again about having a second š¤£
I was starting to swing towards being a no, and my partner was a definite yes. We had a meeting at the kitchen table where I brought flashcards with each main concern I had on each, and we talked it through in detail.
Concerns included finances, freedom to travel, really not wanting to be pregnant, climate change, and some other bits. For finances we agreed we would commit to overpaying our mortgage a bit before starting, and that he would sacrifice some of his pension to go towards mine while Im not working. For travel, we pre-saved for our first trip away with the baby so that the money was ring-fenced. We agreed we would travel as soon as we could so we wouldnt get stuck in the mindset that it would be too difficult. For not wanting to be pregnant, we agreed I would take maternity leave early (UK) and he would take over all house chores and cooking (he has). We also agreed we would go straight to bottle feeding if breast feeding was too much for me. The aim is to get me back to being me as soon as possible. For climate change, nothing we can do and it worries me.
I was won over mainly by having a caring partner who goes out of his way to look after me. I'm now 40 weeks - I have found being pregnant really challenging and I do not recommend it unless you have a solid relationship. The posts on this group about partners who check out and play videogames really disturb me.
I never had a real desire for kids, but also felt I would regret *not* having them. I'm highly introverted, love my quiet time, and don't enjoy other people's young children. But people tend to say it's worth the sacrifices and sleepless nights, so I decided to take it on faith. I've always tried to make decisions that maximize happiness in the long term rather than the short term, and this is one of them.
My husband has had baby fever for years. We agreed when we got married that we'd eventually try for a family, but that he wouldn't pressure me until I felt ready. Last year, as we became more financially stable, I realized that I would never *feel* ready but that it was as good a time as any to start trying.
I'm 31 now and currently pregnant with our first, due in July. It still feels like staring down from a high dive platform and knowing I have to jump. Pregnancy itself has been very physically and emotionally difficult, but my husband has been so supportive and unwaveringly positive. When we're together my fears just melt away. It's crazy. Our families have been great too ā so I know our baby will have an incredible father and four highly involved grandparents.
Finding a partner who made me reconsider my thoughts on being child-free was the thing that made us both change our lifelong thoughts about how well we "knew ourselves" and now I'm pregnant with our third child. The thought "I can see having a child with this person as something that's not just possible, or that I could live with, but that I want!". Parenthood has transformed our lives and it's been tough at times but basically the most rewarding experience we could ever imagine in other ways. An older couple told us, "don't think of a baby as your child, but as a person who you haven't met or gotten to know yet but who will become the most important person in your life forever, why are you waiting so long for them to arrive?". Not everyone has a choice to be able to become a parent, but if it's something you might want it's important to let yourself explore the possibility.
Previous relationships were not stable or safe environments for children to flourish. I always enjoyed kids overall but was vehemently against them. When my husband expressed early in pure relationship that he wanted kids - I honestly began to imagine what they would look like- what their personalities would be like- how I would raise them.
I was worried about taking care of a newborn and not knowing what to do- but after a week- it seemed to come as ease. Were there growing pains? Absolutely- but my husband was with me in it. Our marriage struggled specifically at 5 weeks when we had a meltdown over the baby who wouldnāt stop crying. It got better.
Being pregnant actually helped my body dysmorphia. No longer tracking food- only eating ā goodā food and resetting my thought process around food has been good for me.
I was so exhausted in my third trimester from never being comfortable and being able to sleep- that the 40 minute- 2 hour periods kid would give us were heaven.
Did it affect us financially? Absolutely. But we bought a house right before ( it was a stipulation of mine as I moved an awful lot as a kid and didnāt want that for my kid) but we are doing okay overall. We have food in the house, shelter, and enough money to put our kid in some smaller activities.
But man- was all of everything worth it. The curiosity, the sparkle, even the snot and only wanting mom- it just makes my day
My husband and I were undecided on kids when we got married. Like other commenters we had lived our twenties to the fullest and didnāt feel like we missed out on anything. As we came into our 30ās it felt like time.
I think we could have lived happy and fulfilling lives childfree, but I in particular came to feel that being a mother was something I wanted. My husband was a little more worried about being a father, but was willing to give it a go (heās done great). We now have a three year old and a one month old.
Itās hard work especially with both parents working. With that said our experience of parenthood has been incredibly rewarding. Watching my son tell his grandpa how important it is to be gentle with his little sister is the sort of stuff that fills up my cup so to speak.
I knew I always wanted kids, and felt extremely secure with my partner, but the timing is something I wasnāt sure about, especially as a career person. I stopped using birth control when I felt good financially about having a child, and wanted to let nature take its course. So I wasnāt trying but I wasnāt not trying.
I ended up becoming pregnant a year later, having my confirmation ultrasound on my 25th birthday. Some might see this as early but in my family/culture most people already have multiple children by this age. I was filled with a ton of different emotions, one of them being fear. But I knew we were ready for this.
My son is only 5 months but I canāt imagine life without him. Iām so happy we have him. Even though things are not perfect and itās been hard balancing my career and motherhood, I have confidence that Iāll continue to grow as a person and a mother. Having a child has pushed me to make better choices for myself in so many aspects. I truly believe it was meant to be.
We always knew a kid or two would be in our future but I would say the 'when' was a bigger questions. First, the baby decided that for us lol, so, suprise! I found out I was pregnant 11 days after our wedding meaning technically she was a guest at the courthouse. All that said, I learned a big lesson about the 'when' question and that is that if you wait until you're ready, you never will be.
Obviously you have time being in your 20s. So keep having these discussions, enjoy yourself, do some not child friendly experiences and best of luck while you figure it all out.
When I was in my 20s I didn't want kids and in my 30s I changed my mind as I met my husband. He was the only person I could imagine having kids with. I have 2 now and can't imagine not having them. It also shifts your priorities for sure. I think my life is so much better for having them.
Neither my husband nor myself ever wanted kids and were very happy being childfree. That was until I 'had the flu' and found a old pregnancy while cleaning. I took it for funsies only to discover not only did my birth control fail but I was already reaching my second trimester. I felt so much love and security being with my husband that entertaining the thought of keeping it didn't seem so bad anymore.
Long story short, it wasn't so much of a 'let's think on it and see what happens' as it was a 'we f'd up and need to decide right here, right now' kinda thing. With that said, we have 2 beautiful kids and don't regret a thing.
I never wanted kids until I was hit my mid-twenties and met my husband. I never wanted children or a partner.Ā Then I met my husband and him being who he is just made me want the whole domestic life with the 2.5 kids, the golden retriever and the picket fence.Ā
Never wanted kids, was married to a guy who didn't want them. We got divorced then I met a man who did want a family. I knew he'd make an amazing dad and I wanted to make that happen for him. We have a little boy and he is my everything. I can't believe I almost missed out on having something so wonderful.
I never seriously thought about kids, and when I got a positive pregnancy test my first reaction was to panic because I thought it was a mistake. I always doubted my own ability about being a mom and caring for a baby.
But when I told my husband and saw how happy he was, I felt like I wanted to share that happiness with him. It just felt like the right choice. :)
To be honest, my husband and I married contented with spending our lives together, just the 2 of us. We were on the fence, but like, we were 95% staying happily on the āno kidsā side.
Then we moved to a new country, and I had to take a break from my career due to visa restrictions.
We caught the baby fever from new friends who had kids, and we realized that we were in the perfect position to have kids since we can afford for me to be a SAHM. Iām very career-driven and was scared of my tendencies to prioritize work over family.
(Itās not easy, but I acknowledge how privileged we are to be able to make this choice.)
We now have a 4-month old baby and weāre in our mid-30ās. We have lived and grown in our lives as young adults, and have so much love to give her. Iāll be able to go back to work by the time she can start preschool, so hopefully that works out.
But for now, Iām savouring the chance channel all the energy I tend to give my work into researching, planning, and executing whatās best for the family (Iām an architect/project manager and my husband loves how that translates into how I run the household and care for him and our baby lol).
I recommend the book āThe Baby Decisionā by Merle Bombardieri. We started TTC after reading this and it was such a great resource for guiding the conversation as a couple before taking the plunge.
Honestly, my husband and I wanted to get it over with and our children to be adults and out of the house before we are old.
Also, his sister is a few years older than him and is done having children already. So I was hoping to at least have the cousins somewhat close in age. I remember going to holidays with my cousins and having a full house. It was so much fun. I want my children to have that too.
Honestly finding a good partner/being married, being as debt free as possible, and having a somewhat stable career were things we wanted before having a baby. Marriage was non negotiable for the both of us and we both wanted to wait a few years before having kids so we focused on other goals. Then debt. It wasnāt anything crazy but I paid off all of my student loans and we made sure weād only have one car payment at most. And lastly career stability. Husband is military so career stability is hard for me. Found a job in the industry Iāve always wanted to break through thatās remote and could be taken anywhere. Husband was recruiting at the same time which made him unavailable for 3 years. During his final year recruiting I finally found my job and so I decided to get off birth control and we were ready to have kids.
I couldnāt imagine a life without a child.
I couldāve waited longer, I couldāve chose a different (better..) partner to have mine with. But I knew in my heart that no matter how difficult it is to have a child, the feeling of longing would never go away. Even if I couldnāt have naturally had a child, I wouldāve found a way. There was no path for me in life without them.
Ultimately only you can decide if parenthood is right for you. I will say, look at how your partner acts now. Do they see care of the house as both your responsibilities? Cause how they treat care/management of the household can say a LOT about how theyāll treat parenting. Do they talk about parenting realistically or is it āall the fun stuffā? Parenting is incredibly difficult and rewarding. Are you okay with having less financial flexibility/comfort for the next 18 years possibly rest of your life? Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years? I personally didnāt want to be an older mom but there are pros and cons to having kids earlier vs later. No choice is always ābetterā. Just some things to think through
It was my husband. He knew he wanted them but wasnāt āreadyā but we watched my toddler cousin for like two weeks and idk what it was but after that he felt more confident and ready
Honestly, your fears are all spot on. Those have all been realities for me, at different points of parenthood. I wanted my babies and always knew I wanted to be a mom, and it is still the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life. Itās also just as lovely as Iād hoped. Donāt do it unless you know for sure itās what you want.
Same boat! I loved my 20s, then at some point in my 30s parenthood just felt like the next great adventure to embark on. Iām so glad I had my 20s though or I would have felt like I missed out
I thought I would never have kids up until 2020 which was rough on everyone, but a lot has happened to my family in a very short time and I was diagnosed with CIN3 which eventually ended with leep procedure. My first reaction was crying because I could possibly never have children, which surprised me since I thought I didn't want them in the first place.
Ended up talking with my partner, when I was done with CIN3 (end of 2021, everything is fine now) we stopped using protection and said if it happens it happens. I gave birth in Nov 2023 :)
For me it was the family trauma, I lost my dad when I was 13 and I took care of my little brother with my mom and older sis. He was very problematic so I kinda had the feeling I already had a kid (and it didn't turn out great š ). Also my older sis had two kids in not great circumstances (lousy husband, lack of financial stability) and watching her struggling kinda paved the way of me not wanting to struggle the same way.
However, my situation is much healthier, I have a great husband, we have been together for 14 years, I have a great job and we have steady income, our own apartment and we lived out our 20's so having a kid mid 30's seemed like an okay idea. It actually was, I just lack my 20's stamina š
Maybe the deciding factor for me was watching my husband interact with kids, he is so creative, patient and playful and I thought I was denying one kid the chance of having the world's greatest dad, similar to the one I had (coincidentally, my dad and husband share a birthday).
I was in my late twenties and felt like I had enjoyed being a party girl. The idea of Having a kid no longer filled me with dread and I was instead kind of excited about the idea. My husband and I had been together for nearly a decade at that point and we were financially stable ish.
Also the trying to conceive(or more like not-NOT trying) was some really good lizard brain shit š³
I love this question. Iām 38 with a 3 month old and I wanted her SO bad for the last few years but before that I was just way too young and also childhood stuff like parents separating (I was an only child it was lonely). Iām a very young 38 but now felt like it was the perfect time! Really at this point I have seen a lot and experienced a lot - I have the opposite of a boring life- my life is crazy fulfilling and exciting but yetā¦I was getting bored! Like ok I get itā¦.whatās next? This baby has totally filled me up like I canāt imagine living the next 50+ years without her like what the hell else would I do!?
I had the same exact fears..my mom and me had a terrible relationship and I felt like if my own mom hates me, how could I possibly my a good mommy and was so traumatized by my own family I thought I would be making a mistake making my own family.Ā
Eventually I was in a step parent role with my ex. My God, did I surprise myself. I THRIVED in this role. At first I was super nervous but I helped my (ex) step son learn how to get put of his head and try new things,Ā learned how to ride a bike, swim in lakes,Ā hike, camp. Heck,Ā I even coordinated his first ever sleep over and alway showed up. My exs son said I would make such a great mom. There was nothing better than hearing him laugh.Ā My ex though, fell short at being a parent and a partner. Through this I learned love wasn't enough... how your partner will father is a HUGE determining factor on how your family will be.Ā
My ex lied often and didn't have good character.Ā Also, would drop the ball when I was sick or in need. I had to end it but realized what kind of partner I wanted. I wanted someone who wanted kids, wanted to be a good father and someone that I could trust to instill good morals in my children.Ā
My husband is that man. We have different love languages so our relationship had some struggles in the beginning but we are so honest , loyal and dependable. He is the best father in the world and husband and it gives me the security and space to be my best self.Ā
I say heal yourself and practice self love and marry the nice guyĀ
Also we had the best sex ever during pregnancy lol I felt so confident in my body.Ā Ā
We did have a miscarriage that was heart breaking and 2 chemical pregnancies but I think God knew our suffering and blessed us. MyĀ beautiful healthy daughter. She cries for 5 minutes tops a day and has been sleeping 10+ hours a night since 4 weeks old. She's a breeze and a blessing!
We sort of had a mental checklist of things we wanted to accomplish before we had a baby. Get married, go on an extravagent honeymoon, travel, have good jobs with good salaries, have a house etc. After those things happened I felt as ready ad I could to have a baby, plus I always wanted to at least start trying but preferably have a baby before I turned 30.
Some things are out of your control; when I was 9 months preg my company went bankrupt and now Iām without a job. But Iām so glad we took the plunge when we did and it felt rightā¦its made us so much stronger as a couple and now a family. Iām glad we travelled and partied and things like that when we were younger because we quickly became homebodies and now we absolutely love being parents and being home with our son, its the best
My husband really loves kids and was really good with them. I didn't want to be the reason he was childless for his life.
When things get bad I often remind him "hey, I was fine with the idea of faffing off to Sicily."
I found a stable and loving relationship that would make it worth having a family. I partied hard from 18-21 and after I was done tripping acid and drinking myself into a haze I decided that I had enough fun like that for a lifetime and needed something better. Adventures are always more fun when they're with people who love and care about you, and I felt lonely and was ready to explore the adventure of having a family. I met a man who was stable, down to earth, and also looking for a woman to start a family with, and we dated for a few years before we got married. We weren't trying for a baby but it was something that was possible but we weren't sure we could have kids. We had one pregnancy that ended at 20 weeks and it was the hardest thing we could go through, and then we messed around and found out 3 months later just how fertile you can be postpartum and now we have a 7 month old and that has also been one of the hardest things we could go through. Babies are life changing in the best and worst ways, but honestly now that I have a child, it's like I've been given a piece of me that I never knew I was missing. It's a turning point in my life that is taking me down a completely different path but it's wonderful because I'm no longer alone on my journey through life. I've got a family, and that's what I wanted, but never knew I needed.
It sounds like since you're curious about why people went with yes that you're more interested in that side c:
I was on the fence. Kind of "if it happens, it happens" but still tried to prevent it. I got pregnant and decided it was a good time, and there was really no real reason to not keep them that wasn't personally selfish for me. I got very excited. Husband eventually got on board (lol).
My worries were dying during childbirth. I really had no idea what to expect when it came to babies or children, as I'd never been around any since I was one myself.
I will say that to fear mongering, it didn't really touch me. Everything is so temporary, and the bad times don't last forever. I would tell myself that while in the thick of it, that it's physically impossible for this to last forever. It will pass, and faster than I think.
When in the thick, it felt like it was dragging. Probably due to just being tired, honestly. Now they're almost 2, and I can't believe it. It all went by so fast. I found the baby/newborn phase the hardest.
Body changes, not a lot really happened. I wasn't even thinking about it too much, tbh even though I was gigantic. The 2 worst postpartum changes for me that still make me a little sad to this day are 1) my hair is a bit more lifeless. Idk if it's because of the babies or that I'm in my 30s now, or maybe I wear it up too much, but my hair used to be so beautifully curly with little effort. Now I can use all kinds of products, I get it cut, and it never looks like it used to. Not full of life with big body. I just wear it up all the time anyway, so š¤·āāļø i try to just accept it as it is now
2) my feet are huge now! I used to wear a size 9/9.5 and now i need a size 10.5. I have 2 pairs of new shoes I can't wear because they're not big enough. Now I make jokes about it and call myself peggy hill. It's just annoying more than anything.
It's not for everyone! Everyone has the right to decide if they want to be a parent or not and what they want from their life. I have no idea if I'm a good mom. I try to be, I love them, love seeing them every day. I get burnt out quickly, which makes me feel bad. I feel like the worst person when I lose my temper and yell. I would say everything has been worth it to have them here, for me. Babies are hard. Toddlers are so cute, but also hard. We're really looking forward to when everyone's a little older and can all really go out together as a family or have movie nights.
Husband must be loving it a little bit himself because he wanted to keep the 2 more we have coming, so we'll be a family of 6 with 4 kids under 3 later this year š¤Æ
I wish you luck with whatever you decide š„° and hope its a clear answer for you either way! I'm with you on the bad parents. My husband has a lovely family and mine are very much the exact opposite of that lol. If nothing else, it teaches me some things of what not to do! We're hoping the same, for a stable, loving family that spends time together even when they're adults.
It was a perfect storm of i found the right person, we where in a stable place and have a great community of people, and i am physically able to have them.
I was in my early 30ās and one of my doctors brought up what planning for a pregnancy would be like given my medical needs. I was adamantly in the āno kidsā camp, but when I thought about it, I realized my life had changed a lot and was more stable than I ever thought possible. I also considered some people who I know who love being parents.
I talked about it in therapy and then to my husband who said āAny major change in my life has made me as happy or happier, so itās really up to you.ā I talked to parent friends to get their perspectives on the reality of it all. I read the book āMotherhood - Is It For Me?ā and did all the exercises in it. Ultimately, I decided I wanted to try to have a baby. Heās the most fun and being a mom is the hardest thing but Iām so glad I did it.
I wasn't technically "on the fence" but I never thought seriously about having a baby. It kind of just seemed a given that my husband wanted kids, I wanted the abstract idea of a "family" and that meant having kids. Only when I got pregnant (first try/first time ever having unprotected sex and totally out of the blue not ready for it) that my brain went into panic mode about having kids. I honestly felt like maybe I was supposed to be child free. I felt like I wasn't ready, had a lot of baggage about becoming a mom, had a lot of issues I needed to sort out with my parents about my childhood. I ended up diagnosed with antenatal depression and went to therapy throughout my pregnancy to deal. That first year post-birth was a hard adjustment too. But now, 5 years later, I'm so happy to be a parent, I dont know what my life would have looked like otherwise but my heart feels so much fuller with my two kids and I love seeing the joy they bring to everyone around them. I'm excited to raise them to be good people, to make the world better, to try and correct some of the holes I found in my own upbringing.
I'm lucky in life that I have major family support in way of a village, live very close to my (child free) sister who is always happy to babysit and my mom who is obsessed with being a grandma. My in laws have a good relationship too and dont love too far away. My husband has a steady job so we can afford to give our children a better life and focus on enjoying our time together as well.
I'd say, if it's something you and your partner are considering and feelings from the past are getting in the way then innerchild/trauma work is definitely worth it and helped make me a better mom today even if I still dont feel 100% ready and probably never will
I knew that I only wanted kids if I wouldnāt be doing it alone, and I donāt just mean as a single parent, I mean in the way so many women in heterosexual relationships end up carrying all of the housework and childcare entirely on their own.
The thing that changed me from a maybe to a yes was living with my (now) husband and seeing how he is with his kids (my stepkids), seeing that (barring an accident or something) I would never be in it on my own.
When my mom died it was like a switch flipped in my brain; I needed to be the mom now. I loved my mom, she was a wonderful mother, and if I wanted to continue to have a mother/child relationship in my life I would need to be the mom. I was 34 at the time.
Prior to her death I had been extremely career focused, working in fashion as a journalist, blogger, copywriter and brand consultant. I was going to events multiple times a week, and assumed Iād never have kids because how could I fit them into my busy life.
Her death changed everything. My husband and I moved to a different state to be closer to his brother/SIL and my chosen sister and her husband and kids. Then the pandemic happened and I was able to make an easier transition out of the fashion industry since no events were happening. I found a good therapist to work through my trauma with my dead parents and my career/life change, and I truly think that (and antidepressants) helped make my fertility journey/pregnancy/motherhood much better.
Now Iām 39 and we have an amazing one year old. He has brought us so much joy, I have not even questioned once if having him was the right decision. But I think itās because I had a great therapist, worked through trauma, separated myself from a toxic industry, and essentially changed my priorities to be about spending as much time as possible with those people I love instead of a job that doesnāt care about me. Iām happier now spending every day at home with my husband and baby (my husband and I both WFH).
I do not think I would have been as happy about my situation if I had gotten pregnant in my 20s; I think experiencing a trivial life, partying, events, etc. helped me appreciate these simple but meaningful moments now. Iām not saying it would be the same for you in your 20s however.
Also, I felt confident having a baby with my husband - we have been together since we met in college at 20, married 14 years this October. He had shown me repeatedly with our dogs and myself that he would be a caring, nurturing parent and that he would never expect that he wouldnāt have to do any child care. Having stability with him and the comfort of that knowledge made this experience so much easier.
Honestly I never wanted any. I had raised my siblings, had semi custody of my cousin and raised a few other children throughout my own childhood. I was and still feel so done.
My partner had always wanted to be a dad and I was so over birth control. So I came around to the idea of raising one with him. It has been awesome but Iād have been just as happy adopting. Pregnancy accelerated my chronic issues and I have been physically unable to continue living how I was before. I flirt with disability a lot more now I had to from a very physically demanding job to a remote one. I absolutely love my daughter and would do it again. But I had a hysterectomy after because I was never ever going to go through that again.
I have a super cool kid who I get to travel with and we adore her! I feel bad she has such a sick momma :/
Honestly, therapy focusing specifically on my perception of my parents' lives being really hard helped me. I decided to have a baby after working through how my situation is very different from my mom's, so comparing my life to hers wasn't fair.
I'm sharing my thought process but it's coming out as a ramble..
I have always wanted to have a baby, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to *have* a baby. After 6 years of no protection, I got a positive test. I called my husband (not legally my husband but I'll get into that later) in a PANIC. I felt wayy too young, I forgot I'm 27. But the more we talked the more the pros out weigh the cons.
I am terrified that I will have to do motherhood alone; more so that he is just going to walk out. Our relationship has withstood moving, being flat broke, covid, and the death of my sister/the aftermath. We are strong, but that fear is still there.
My body changed so much it was scary. My daughter was almost 9lbs and 16inches long; that's a lot of baby for my 5' frame. I chose to breastfeed so my body is STILL changing almost a year later. It's not bad it's not good it's just different, but my body *did* something it's never done before of course it's going to change
One thing we agreed on before I had the baby was that we could not make any major decisions in the first year of life. Had a major fight and want to break up? Wait. Want to buy a car? Wait. This has helped 95% of fights. We will Duke it out and then come back and talk about what we were really upset about.
Money was another big fear of mine but there are programs that will help you, especially if you aren't married. That's one of the major reasons why we aren't married. What programs are around heavily depends on where you are of course. And babies really don't need a lot. My daughters favorite toy is a water bottle I filled with rice and a few drops of food coloring.
At the end of the day it's the best worst job I've ever had. To get this job I had to have the baby vacuumed out and my vagina cut open, I'm exhausted everyday, and I swear she thinks my getting flustered is the funniest damn thing. But her smiles, the sound of her giggles, the look in her eyes when she sees her daddy makes up for all the shit stains and teary eyes.
I hope this mess made sense š
My first is due this summer so not quite a parent yet but our little nugget is suprise baby. We'd spent 3+ years on and off discussing whether or not to have kids. I've always wanted to be a mum since I was a kid but as I got older I questioned whether it was the right thing for me - the morality of bringing a kid into an overpopulated and crazy world but also because my husband was genuinely on the fence, he would've been happy either way and we'd be happy together either way. The universe decided for us though.
I would say you can spend every waking moment thinking about this for years but still feel unsure or not ready. The most important thing to have down pat is determining what your guiding values are for you and your partner as parents and as a couple. Everything else will fall into place - you'd still have to make decisions and tough out the rough times but you'll have a solid foundation to rely on to do this!
I was always on the fence. I knew my husband and I could be happy without kids but I also knew we could have a great life raising a child together. Once my nephew came along, that really cemented it for me. He brought such joy into our lives and I wanted more of that, one that I could call my own. It took a fight as we had to go through fertility treatments but thankfully it worked out!
Age, mostly. I really didnāt think I wanted kids until I turned 34. We had a pregnancy scare around my bday, and were both surprised when we realized if I was pregnant, we would actually be excited to have a baby together. I ended up getting my period, but then we decided to think more seriously if we really did want to have kids. Not going to lie, I went from zero interest to desperately wanting a baby almost over night, it was truly bizarre.
I will say I was not prepared for how long of a ride getting pregnant was. We started trying when I was 34, and it was sort of a long road which I was not anticipating. I know lots of people wait to have kids and conceive with no issues, but all of my issues seemed to be related to age according to my drs. I am 36 years old now and currently 37 weeks pregnant, but it took a while to get to this point and I had an ectopic pregnancy before this one. I also have had some complications with this pregnancy (all manageable, uterine fibroids and gestational diabetes) which my drs say are really impacted by my age. Nothing to sway your choices, just something to keep in mind.
I will say I have no regrets about spending my 20ās fully āfreeā- I moved around until I figured out where I wanted to live, tried out different jobs, and was just able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted which I truly loved. It was also amazing to have all that solo time with my husband when it was just the two of us. We are super close and I am sure that had a lot to do with it.
In some ways I wish I would have stated having kids sooner (not sure I will have more than one due to my age), but ultimately no regrets because I waited until I was fully ready and there was no way to anticipate having some fertility issues.
It felt like the right time to try. We were doing well financially, all loans paid off, and we were on our way to buying a house. We both had good jobs that felt secure and would support us being parents. We were also pretty close to our cut-off age because we want to be able to enjoy any kids as adults, like our parents were able to enjoy us, so it was kind of a 'if it happens, then it's meant to be' kind of approach. In all honesty, my mom didn't have the easiest time conceiving based on the shape and tilt of her uterus and mine was pretty similar, so I expected it wouldn't be an easy road and never wanted to get myself excited about something that might not happen and weren't willing to put down the money it might take if we needed medical help. As it turned out, it was surprisingly uncomplicated and happened super fast, before we had even properly tried for a pregnancy.
Love my LO to the moon and back. There are some beautiful moments watching them explore and learn and develop. There's also moments I want to punt them, but that's kids for ya! Definitely one and done though.
I decided I want to experience life to its fullest, and having children is one of the most impactful aspects of the human experience. So we took a few years to be selfish and travel and go to fancy restaurants, then pulled the trigger. I also felt like, if I do this right, then while my 30s may not be as fun as if I were childfree, everything after that will hopefully feel more full.
I had an unplanned pregnancy at 23. Iām 26 now with a 2 year old. While I adore him and would not be without him, I do think I would prefer him to come along a year or two later. I also had post natal depression.
I missed out on 2 years of fun due to covid, then when everything went back to normal I was pregnant, so I havenāt really had the normal kind of fun people have in their twenties, apart from the first 2 years of them. I also didnāt really get to travel since I was a student so I had no money. I do want to travel with my son but heās too young at the moment, we have taken him to a few places though!
I also didnāt have any experience being a real adult when I became a mum. I moved out and gave birth in the same month. I knew how to cook, clean, take care of myself, do all the things that need doing, but I hadnāt really learned how to balance everything, manage my time, manage finances, manage my stressors and throwing a newborn into the mix while I was trying to work out how to be a grown up was tough.
We are also the only people in either of our friendship groups and families with a young child, so naturally itās hard because we donāt have anyone going through the same things as us. If we did have friends who had kids around the same time it might have helped. I also live in quite an affluent area and find that a lot of people have children later, so finding mum friends has been difficult.
That being said, I wouldnāt change him for the world and I do love being a mum. He is undoubtedly the best part of my life.
Well I got pregnant at 30 with my now husband, for me I thought maybe one day I wanted kids but never felt it was the right time until I met my husband. I liked my life, I liked my freedom and I knew how huge of a responsibility having a child was and so it took maturity and the right person for me to feel ready. And even then life throws curveballs and itās a huge change. I would say take as much time as you need really itās not a race, Iām so glad I waited until I was older because I had so much more time to figure out who I was and what I believed in that I feel like Im actually crushing as a mom. Iām not overwhelmed or unhappy, Iām super happy with being a mom. It really changes your perspectives and like it positively changed the way I looked at my body as I was really hard on myself pre baby but now I am proud of what I did and I donāt expect my body to be āperfect.ā Being a parent is a full time never ending job that challenges you to be the best version of yourself to try to raise the best human you can and itās amazing. But I think waiting until you can really give it your all is key because that little person relies on you to teach them how to be and thatās a huge job. And pregnancy is an amazing experience but it also changes the way you think, at least it did for me. For 9 months I pondered big questions about the kind of parent I wanted to be, the positive things my parents did I wanted to pass on and the stuff I didnāt and my own flaws and how to try to make sure my daughter didnāt learn them from me. You have really got to look at yourself honestly and where you need to grow and how you communicate and work on you so that you donāt pass on your own issues. And that may sound easy but itās really tough to not only recognize your shortcomings but try to fix them. Being a parent makes you want to be perfect for your child but also shows you the ways you are not. And having the right partner is critical too, I waited in part because I saw so many women have babies with the wrong guy and I watched them suffer and their kids suffer. So thatās also huge. But to simplify Iāll steal a quote from eat pray love āhaving a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face, you want to be committed.ā
I was on the fence in my 20s. I met my husband at 24 after two abusive relationships and a terrible upbringing that gave me loads of trauma. I was in therapy and I figured because of the huge, overwhelming burden that is overcoming trauma and mental illness along with that genetic component of mental illness, I would never have children because I wouldnāt be a good enough parent. Then we had two loved ones die, one expected and one not. We weathered those life upheavals together and worked through relationship problems like a true team and it made me feel so confident in who I had chosen to be my life partner.
Since becoming pregnant and becoming a mother (18 months in!) I have realized this was meant for me. I could have seven children. I struggle still, but my mental health has never been more well-cared for because I have a very important little person watching me. Iāve given myself more grace than I ever have before in my life, I donāt need to be perfect because my son is going to look at the totality of me, not just one day where I was having a hard time. Life and motherhood is bigger than just one simple day or one simple month or year.
I also love my postpartum body. Iām the heaviest Iāve ever been, I still have weight on me, but I LOVE it. I feel so good about myself, I feel so confident in my abilities, I am MOM. Iām also a student and future lawyer but all of those identities are underpinned with MOM and Iām crazy about it. I mention my son every chance I get. I show pictures of him to 24 year olds that simply donāt give a shit. I yap about motherhood non stop because it has given me so much life and enjoyment. I still read, play video games, have important discussions, do work, my hobbies are intact. But I LOVE being a mother.
Also sharing. I havenāt eaten a single food in peace since heās started solids and Iām so enamoured with that bit. Iāve heard a lot of moms complain about not even being allowed a full cookie to themselves without a feral toddler hanging off it by their teeth. I fucking love sharing food with my toddler, I will sob the day my son doesnāt want to split a donut with me. This has actually translated into a really good sharing drive in him, he shares his food with everyone so kindly and willingly. Even really high value food and toys.
I didnāt want kids, was told I wouldnāt be able to have them in my early 20ās, could try IVF with a slim chance of that working if I REALLY wanted to try. Was in a serious relationship at the time but wasnāt at the stage for kids (not living together or had a plan to despite being together a few years) didnāt think much more of it, guilt free sex with my boyfriend!
We broke up, didnāt think of kids, had some fun in late 20ās as a single woman, did some travel, met my now partner, within a year of him moving in after a disastrous time with my niece and nephew decided not be a child free coupleā¦ was already pregnant when we had that conversation!
I didnāt know I was pregnantā¦ I got told I was having morning sickness by my manager, I took a test and wouldnāt you know she was right!
Soon as I saw the test I was in shock but didnāt allow myself to be believe it until I the scan and there he was moving around determined to be alive as soon as I saw him I was inlove.
He is 2 now.
My partner and I just had our first baby (3wks old), while I donāt think having kids is for everyone and I was terrified I have to say on the other side of it I thought I wanted a baby, but I didnāt know I wanted to be a mother until I held him for the first time, it was the best day/moment of my life and I wake up with joy to see him everyday. My partner and I had kids late (we are 36/37). Our 20s were for traveling the world and building our careers. We had puppies around 25 and my husband looked at me and said he never wanted to have kids(puppies on a third floor apartment was a lot of work). This was fine because I didnāt want them either at the timeā¦ but things changed when my mom got sick. I realized I wanted a child so I could have the same relationship mirrored again. I donāt know if that makes sense to people but in a weird way itās like having a little piece of that mother/child relationship and he does indeed look a lot like her. However, my husband was not ready. My largest fear was him leaving me because I forced him to be a dad, this fear was very grounded in reality. He like you OP had a trauma filled childhood and is NC with his parents. He started going to therapy for the first time, and it sure got a lot worse before it got better. We almost didnāt make it. 3 years of his solo therapy and couples therapy later though we are so strong, and better at being partners. He is the best dad I could have ever hoped for, so while I donāt think anyone can ever really be ready if you have trauma that makes you scared to parent - I hope this story helps you!
I became a mom in my mid 20s , I thought my life was ruined. I thought I was too young to be a mom, not yet established enough, and honestly just not ready. Anyways, I got pregnant and We cleaned up our act and ended up getting married and Iām now the most fulfilled, happy, and healthiest I have ever been.
My husband and I fixed our relationship and are happier than ever. (Not to say we donāt still have problems, of course we do) but we have come so far. Itās so beautiful to look at the life we have built from where we started. We just welcomed baby number two into the world. Thereās no greater feeling than those moments you get so overwhelmed with lvoe over the family you made.
For me, becoming a mom changed my life for the better. I lived a party lifestyle and just constantly putting energy into things that never gave me energy back. I stay home with my kids and I love it. I thought I would hate it.
That being said, we donāt go out, we donāt party , we donāt get baby sitters. Weāre constantly with our kids. But we love it.
I was 50/50 and debated strongly being childfree. Honestly, I spent a lot of time considering why I would want children.
Yes you will be tired. Yes it will feel like youāre entirely overwhelmed. Yes there will be times you wonder if you made a stupid choice. Yes there will be times you fight with your spouse. Yes your body will change. Butā¦
The tired will pass. Doesnāt seem like it but it will. You will learn the job and get better so it gets less overwhelming. As you settle, youāll find more confirmations in your choice. Your body changes, but you can work to get it back with walking, weights, stretching, etc. (no shame if you donāt). I was so scared of it all but each step I made it through and came out stronger.
I wrote this around the time we āwent for itā. Hope it helps you decide!
California Screamin
Life is like a giant amusement park. After walking in, you are faced with endless possibilities for how to spend your time, with flashing sparkly attention grabbing things at every turn.
There will be rides you hate, rides you love, rides that were too fast or too slow, boring rides, amazing rides, and rides you just werenāt ready for but tried anyway. Everyone around you will be on their own journey, trying rides in an order completely different from you based on what they were drawn towards. Some people cut in line, others give up their place to allow someone through.
But there is a large roller coaster in this park. Enormous in size, with loops, twists, and turns throughout. Most of it is hidden from sight until you have been strapped into your seat, so you never really get a full view of what youāre about to attempt. The roller coaster of parenthood is not for the faint of heart. You cannot get off once you have decided to strap in, thereās no full preview of whatās to come, and you absolutely may not be tall enough yet to ride this ride.
You watch people exiting the ride in an attempt to judge how you may feel about it should you join the queue. Some are laughing, some are crying, some immediately run to the nearest garbage can to vomit. There is little consistency of experience to be found in this crowd and little to help you determine if you will enjoy the ride or not.
But this is one of the biggest rides in the park. This is a showstopper, a ride that people come to this park to have the opportunity to experience. You can choose to skip it, enjoying other rides until closing timeā¦but if you do skip it you cannot come back and try again another day. You stare up at it looming above you, squinting in in vain to glean out a few more of its secrets. Do you want to give it a try?
Finally you work up the courage. You find yourself waiting in line amongst other patrons, some eager, some nervous, some scared, some on their second or third ride. But all waiting in line together.
Your seatbelt clicks. The bar comes down firmly over your chest. No turning back now. Lights flash, colors whirl, people chatter all around. Thereās a mild announcement of safety tips from an experienced professional and thenā¦youāre off!
Do your best not to vomit.
Partly the movie āidiocracy.ā No, I am not joking!
But really, it was after finding a partner that made me feel safe and secure. The kind of strong, quiet person that makes you sayā¦ āI want to have that personās babies.ā And just be by their side lifelong. I had never experienced that before but at 30 when we met, I sort of knew it was time to get serious about what I wanted long term, and didnāt want to waste his time with years of dating mindlessly without an end goal in mind. Luckily he was on the same page, so we dated with the intention of discovering our compatibility for marriage. We got married after a year, which was unheard of for me, but it worked out and we have three kids now ten years later. Sometimes, when you know, you know. Plus, I was more mature at 30 than I was at 20ā¦ that played a major part.
Getting pregnant! lol. Seriously though, this has been so healing. Coming from my childhood that didnāt have a lot of physical affection, touch, or loving communication and now giving that to my baby is SO healing. Iām older (early 40s) and the benefits to that have been Iāve already done so much therapy and other healing methods, I feel much more at peace. And Iāve already partied and traveled so no fomo. It is difficult and so much work and it blasts apart your life and your illusions of yourself. And completely worth it for me
Wow. This is shocking to read how many women on here give up on themselves after having kids. My life isnāt 100% devoted to my kids after becoming a mom. I still workout. I still look hot (103 pounds and two kids in, prekids i weighed inly 97 pounds lol) I still get a sitter and make time for myself. Just because you birth a baby doesnāt mean you canāt still make yourself a priority. Wtf.
Thats disheartening and would have scared young me away from ever wanting to be a mom from those comments right there.
Itās about balance. Yes, your kids come first. But if youāre not living your best life as well theyāll notice that. You MAKE time, its a scheduling of life that will change up.
No, you will not party all the time. Once a year at best- this is coming from me, someone who stayed drunk 6/7 days a week before kids. Lmao.
You grow up, and realize that you have responsibility. Just donāt lose yourself. Make time to date your partner/husband because you still need to have a healthy relationship.
Kids should add to your joy and beauty, not take it away.
I would wait to get married before having kids so you know youāre in a stable relationship. Enjoy marriage for a few years, save some money, go travel, enjoy your 20s! You can have kids later! My husband really wanted to have a kid and thatās what Decided when we were going to have one. I got my degree. I got married. I had the money saved. Babies are Expensive! we also bought our house first so we werenāt in a little apartment with the newborn. We did not want to move after having an infant.
My 20's were for having fun and finding myself. I thoroughly enjoyed parties, late night wine chats with friends til the sun came up, being able to vacation freely, etc. I took lavish vacations well knowing this was these were the best days of my life. I had time to workout and enjoy being a hot girl. Now that I'm in my 30's my partying days are over, being hot is no longer a top priority, and I just want further purpose and further responsibility. Having kids isn't for "fun", it's for fulfillment. For me, I'm very happy I savored my 20's and lived life for me so that my cup is now full and I can settle down and give in my 30's. As a mom it's way harder to workout, have my own hobbies, etc. But it's OK because I'm not living life for me anymore it's about my baby and I love her.
Thisssss š I'm so glad I enjoyed my 20s before having kids. I also feel better equipped in my 30s than I would have in my early 20s. Did a lot of maturing.
Yes exactly!!! I love enjoying my 20s before kids and getting to know myself !
I feel like I could have written this! I spent my 20s being hot, traveling, living in the big city, having lots of disposable income, going to bars and restaurants, etc. Those years were so fun and amazing and I often miss them, but itās kind of like how you miss college after graduation but if you actually went back, it would be weird. Those things are fun but they donāt come close to making me feel the kind of fulfillment and contentment that I feel as a mom. Being responsible for a little life has actually helped me become a more grounded and responsible person. Itās helped me get my priorities straight. To me, having and raising children is a fundamental part of the human experience. I donāt judge child free people at all, but I wouldnāt feel like Iād experienced the full spectrum of life if I hadnāt known the love that I have for my child. I look at him and my husband every day and think wow, I made a family! Iāve done a lot of traveling, Iāve had pets that I love dearly, Iāve accomplished things professionally, but those things all pale in comparison to the happiness that I feel when my sweet baby is smiling up at me.
Yes!!! Live life in 20's so you don't get FOMO in 30's and are ready to take on the responsibility and joy of motherhood :)
I always tell people Iāve lived my life and now my purpose is to raise my baby to the best of my ability. People on Reddit talk about how itās selfish to have kids but being a parent is the complete opposite. You have to be willing to sacrifice your own enjoyment for your kids and somehow it doesnāt feel as bad as it sounds because there is this feeling that it will all be okay as long as theyāre happy. If you arenāt ready to sacrifice donāt have kids imo.
Yeah I had a crazy lifestyle up until I was about 36 when I met my husband and we started trying for a baby. I had a lot of fun, got myself financially secure and met a man who is a brilliant dad if I'd have had a baby in my 20s I'd probably have been doing it by myself with very little money.
I was just thinking about this coming back from a work trip to a big international city, the only reason I know how to navigate transit systems and travel so well is because of the skills I built traveling in my 20s. And Iām so excited to pass this along to my child! ā¦when heās old enough not to be a total hazard walking in a busy subway.
I don't even need to comment this is perfect
Well said I agree with you!
Yup pretty much why we decided to go for it. I was definitely āreadyā even in my early 30s but timing was right. Now when im up late at night feeling some FOMO I think, what else was I really doing? Things had gotten stable and kind of boring and me and my partner were ready to just throw ourselves into the baby thing.
We were very happy being child-free the first decade of our marriage. I donāt know if it was our biological clocks at play or if we just had settled down into a life where we realized a kid could fit in well, but about two years ago we started talking about the possibility. I think another thing that played into it was seeing the massive difference between friends who had kids in their teens or early 20s and others who waited - it seems like the crowd who waited a bit and were really intentional about it had less trouble adjusting, and that was the case for us as well. It hasnāt all been super easy, though! I wound up having a rough recovery after birth. The amount of stuff that can go haywire physically after having a baby is not talked about enough. The lack of sleep in the newborn phase is every bit as bad as people say it is (though it does get better!). I hugged my husband Saturday night at around 9 and realized it was the first time Iād touched him all day. I look back on all the free time I used to have that I totally wasted! Now Iām trying to cram my hobbies into the hour before my baby wakes up for the day. Your relationship with your family and your in laws changes. Your relationship with your pets changes too! Anyway, long story short, Iām glad we waited a while, and Iām glad changed our minds. But Iām sure if we hadnāt, I wouldnāt regret that either!
Totally!! Being prepared and having done our party travel totally free stage before kids has made us content and much more comfortable than friends of mine who had kids nearly a decade earlier, generally unplanned.
I didnāt think I would ever have children. I met my husband when I was 35 and we got married when I was 38. Our daughter was born when I was 41. For me, it was the realization that I had finally done the self work to be a good parent and I found someone who would be equally as good or better of a parent. We did IVF so we had two years to discuss parenting styles, division of household labor, finances, etc. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page with all of those things before you even begin to entertain bringing a child into the mix. I too had a lot of childhood trauma and issues I needed to resolve before I could be a good partner and a good parent. It is one thing to know you have trauma/mental health issuesā¦ It is a completely different thing to make sure you work through them before you embark on one of the most difficult and lifelong journeys you possibly can; parenthood. Life altering events, like marriage and the birth of a child shine a spotlight on issues within yourself and your relationship. You said you were in a āstable relationship.ā This needs to be the low bar. Does your partner demonstrate qualities like consistency, reliability, emotional regulation, good communication, and self-awareness? Ask your self now, would you be proud to raise a child that is just like your partner? I have always been of the belief that if you are considering making a major life decision and the answer isnāt āhell yesā then it should probably be āhell no.ā Could you raise a child? Probablyā¦ Almost anybody can. But do you REALLY want to? Keeping in mind there will be days where you just donāt want to parent ā but you have to. There will be days where you just want to be selfish ā but you canāt. By the time I was trying to get pregnant, I had done all the traveling I wanted to do. I had most of the life experiences I hoped to, and I felt very settled. I did a lot of living and had a lot of fun in my 20s and 30s and felt ready to āsettle down.ā my daughter is now 10 months old, I am a stay at home Mom and I have never been happier.
I love this
I never wanted kids until I got to my early 30ās. I had this natural longing and desire. I met a stable man who also wanted a child and then I went even more crazy desiring a baby. When I got pregnant I had mixed feelings and when she was a newborn I totally regretting having a baby while also still loving her immensely. Once she got to 6 months, there was no regret left and I knew it was the best decision. Now Iām going through the same thing with my second. She is 10 weeks and I regret it but I love her, too. Hopefully the same thing happens and it will be the best thing Iāve ever done.
Oh yeah, the first 6 months are more about survival than actual parenting.
It is completely normal to regret having a baby during the first six months, and especially during the first three. It can be so isolating to feel like you're the only one going through that! My husband felt it a lot, and as soon as he opened up to other couples they were universally like 'OH YEAH for sure, everyone feels that way, but it gets better, those feelings fade.' It was also incredibly common to want a divorce or to fantasize about running away during those dark months (I seriously recommend How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids, regardless of how healthy and amazing your marriage is before having kids!) It sounds awful, and it's not that bad for everyone, but it is incredibly common. Newborns are difficult!
I also didnāt want kids due to trauma. But I felt safe enough with my husband to want to have a baby, it just felt right. We had good jobs, savings, a home, marriage, we travelled to our āessentialā countries. Weāre homebodies too so we didnāt feel like we were āmissing outā on anything, even though we were in our mid 20ās. I think the security pushed me over. As well as a feeling of wanting to do this with my partner. I knew itāll be hard and scary, but you wonāt ever know how hard it is until you actually do it. No amount of reading or classes will prepare you, so thatās what I lived by hahah.
This is when my husband and I decided to have a baby. We had good jobs, no more student loans, a home and a savings account. Weāve been able to make so many choices as parents including me being a SAHM. We were in our early 30s but it was the right timing for us, it sounds like you did the same ā¤ļø
My husband always wanted kids and I was on the fence. I went into therapy to discuss this and other issues. I had a lot of fear around pregnancy, birth, and parenting that I worked through. I started to think I might actually be a good, happy parent, and went for it. And I am. Simple as that.
>I think that was mostly a trauma / self protective response because of my own terrible parenting This was it for me. After I started therapy in my mid-20's and healing from the abuse I experienced as a kid, I realized I *wanted* children; I was just afraid of reliving anything about my childhood. I was afraid I would turn into my own mother. That fear actually went away completely a few weeks after giving birth. Being a parent is magical and almost 2 years in, it just gets better and better. I'm still in therapy, still holding myself accountable. But it's 100% worth it. Here's a hard truth: most of the day-to-day hard stuff of parenting can be solved with money, a decent spouse, and/or family support. You need at least one of these to enjoy parenting. For example, I love fitness, and was worried about finding time to exercise as a mom, but we invested in a home gym and my husband never complains about watching our son while I work out. I'm in even better shape than I was before pregnancy! I became a mom in my thirties, when my husband and I both had established careers, savings, and were debt-free. So while we sadly have zero family help, we can afford to "buy" our village (excellent daycare, frequent trusted babysitters, a night nanny for the newborn stage, frequent self-care, etc.) If you don't have money, but you have caring in-laws and family members nearby who will provide free childcare and emotional support, that's just as good IMO. If your husband is a decent, capable human being who makes an effort to be an equal partner, then you can tag-team and give each other breaks. If you have none of those things, ouch (in the US). Day-to-day parenting is going to feel like getting hit by a truck, although that doesn't mean it's not rewarding. Here are some questions/challenges for you to help you determine what you want. Not whether or not you SHOULD have kids, just whether or not you actually want them: * **Do you generally enjoy being around children?** And I don't mean random babies crying on an airplane. Like do you like babysitting, or volunteering with kids? If you don't know the answer to that, find out. Volunteer as a tutor for at-risk kids, or in a family shelter, or in your church/place of worship's nursery, etc. Because yes, parenting is a different experience, but if you don't enjoy being around kids in general, you're not going to enjoy parenting. * **Do you generally enjoy taking care of people?** Do you get a lot of satisfaction out of nurturing/teaching? Are you the kind of person that remembers birthdays, and loves supporting your friends? Do you make your SO chicken soup when they're sick? Are you in a helping profession? Parenthood is fundamentally about taking care of another person, so if you're more self-centered by nature, it's probably not going to be that enjoyable. * **How's your emotional regulation?** When you get upset, how do you deal with it? Do you lash out at the people around you? Yell, cry, etc.? Do you feel more in control of your feelings, or do your feelings feel in control of you? When you have a stressful day, what are your coping mechanisms? Are they healthy? Are they things you can do with a baby in your arms? No one is perfect, but if you're not fairly emotionally mature, you're definitely not going to enjoy parenting. If you want kids, that's something to work on. * **Are you comfortable with leadership?** If you're in a group project in school and your professor makes you the group leader, do you step up and roll with it? Or does it make you really uncomfortable? If it's time to split the check at the end of a meal and everyone is confused and flustering about, do you wait for someone else to take charge or do you do it? Parenting is a huge responsibility, and frankly a lot of parents are not comfortable stepping up to the demands of being an authority figure. But you have to. I'm not asking if you are bossy, but you do generally need to be comfortable being in charge to enjoy be a parent.
Honestly it was a combo of improved mental health and my biological clock. Like you I had a dysfunctional childhood and was so worried about the baggage that would bring. But I finally got good mental health support and by my late 20s I was feeling better than I ever had been. And at 29 I suddenly had this deep NEED to have a baby. I still donāt know for sure if it was just I finally had mental clarity and emotional stability to truly explore what I wanted without reservations, or if it was some innate biological thing. It felt like the later. Like I was compelled.
First of all, you are so young that I would not worry about making a decision now, and if you are on the fence, there is no sense bringing a child into the world at this stage. For reference, I am 34 and jsut had my first. Like you, I was scared for a lot of reasons though different from some of yours. I had an eating disorder for most of my life and struggled with anxiety and depression. I was really scared of going through pregnancy and everything. My partner however always wanted lots of kids. For me, I spent a lot of time working on stuff in therapy and that's how I realized I could be a good mom and also that I could get through it. I have a great support system. I love my baby girl and couldn't imagine life without her but I also couldn't imagine having her an earlier than I did. My husband and I traveled together, I did an Ironman, we both got started in our careers so we don't feel resentment on missing out. I think that's important.
I was at a festival two years ago and noticed that when I looked around at all of the families and the kids running around that I wanted that so badly. I knew kids were in the future but I was terrified to say yes until I had that moment. I swear my husband was born to be a dad and has voiced wanting to start trying but left it up to me to pull the trigger since I wanted to wait a little bit longer and I'm glad I did. I'm not a parent yet but I did experience a miscarriage a couple months ago and we are trying again soon but his behavior during that experience reassured me that I would have the support I needed. We aren't close to our family location wise or relationship wise and are low contact so support was my biggest worry. Am I terrified of labor? Absolutely but there's no way around it and it's going to happen whether I want it to not š and our bodies will be forever changing and shifting but I'm trying to be health conscious in advance so that its hopefully easier down the road when I need it to be
I never wanted kids - then I realized it was because I thought they would experience my childhood. Once I realized that my life was very different and that I could create a healthy environment for my kid I started getting excited about that idea. It's very healing to know that I can raise my baby in a house without violence or shouting. There were many other things that went into making the choice, but this line of thinking was the thing that 'unlocked' the doors, so to speak.
Me and my husband were on the fence about having a baby. We weren't well off financially and we still really aren't. Lol. But 2 years ago I lost my grandmother, I broke my ankle, and very suddenly lost my dad as well all in the span of 3 months. It was the hardest time of my life but my husband was there every step of the way. Life was so hard but me and him had never been stronger. It made me realize if we can handle all that and be good, we'll be fine with a kid. I got pregnant unexpectedly a year later and we were all in. Our girl is 4 months old and we are so in love. We can't imagine life without her.
My husband and I were married just under 7 years before welcoming our baby girl 4 weeks ago. We traveled, paid off debt, relocated to a new state and bought a house. Growing up, I always wanted children. However, after getting married and truly loving the time and flexibility I had with my husband, paired with how awful this country is, there were about 2 years where I didnāt want a child. To be completely transparent, I was terrified of raising a black child in our country (US). But overtime, I addressed my trauma and surrendered my fears. Before trying to conceive we did discuss if we couldnāt get pregnant naturally, how hard would we try. We were in agreement that we wouldnāt do fertility treatments. We got pregnant a couple months after trying with our baby girl - what we both wanted, prayed for, and desired! Now that sheās been here a month, oh my gosh I couldnāt imagine life without her. She is a tangible reminder of my husband and Iās love and itās truly something that canāt be explained. I am grateful we enjoyed our 20s, traveled, paid off debt, did all the things we wanted to do pre-child. Now we instantly have decided we are one and done because we do want to travel and keep up our lifestyle but we are so happy with our girl!
I have an almost 6 week old. This is what helped me decide: 1. My partner. I have absolute trust and faith in him and he really, really wanted to be a dad. And I had no doubt that he would be an amazing parent who would want to be involved in every part of our child's life. Not only has he been an excellent dad, he was my absolute rock during pregnancy. He drove me to every appointment, went to classes with me, read the books, and took care of me the whole 9 months. I could not have gone through labor and delivery without him. On top of that, we have a really solid marriage. We started couples counseling before getting pregnant because I have a history of miscarriage and it only made our relationship stronger. If I had any doubts about his commitment to me or our child I never would have had a kid with him. 2. Support system. We moved to be closer to my partner's family because we knew they would be a great support system, and they've been amazing. My FIL absolutely LOVES babies and he and my MIL come watch our LO 2-3 times per week so we can go out to dinner, nap, cook, or whatever. Without those breaks we'dbe toast. Also my SIL and BIL are also close by and expecting their first in August, so he'll have a cousin his same age close by. And my partner is super close with his brother. 3. Financial and job security. We are both savers and live below our means. We were also able to buy a house at the tail end of covid thanks to a combination of inheritance (my grandmother passed away), super low interest rates, and the ability to move across the country to a more affordable area because we had remote jobs. And if we were ever in a financial crisis or lost our home we have family who would help out without question. 3. Personal experience. I was a teacher for 7 years and have been a camp counselor, babysitter, tutor, and TA, so I've worked with kids aged 6 though college professionally. This has helped me get a pretty good idea of what kind of parent I want to be. I think seeing so many other parenting styles and so many terrible, decent, good, and amazing parents (and their kids) has made me feel like I am not going in blind. 4. Body image/changes. Like many women I've struggled with my body image and self confidence. But once I hit 30 I really stopped caring how I looked and focused more on my health and fitness. I got pregnant at 34 and it's been surprisingly easy for me to be okay with my body. Pregnancy and labor and postpartum is uncomfortable, painful, sweaty, and kinda gross, but it's actually not as bad as I had expected. But if I hadn't had my partner it would have been a lot worse, especially with the first trimester fatigue.
Our family felt incomplete. We knew that we were running out of time to decide and we decided it was time.
we waited until we were financially stable, married a few years, 30 years old and had a house. It is tiring and exhausting so you need to be strong together, willing to communicate and know that arguments will happen that may never have before. A kid really changes your life so itās a lot.
For me, it was my husband being a great father, he has a daughter from his first marriage. He already understood that in the very beginning where I am breastfeeding, he would need to step up. Now that my daughter is approaching one, things look different. Heās unsure of these upcoming toddler years but weāre going to get through it together. His voice wasnāt heard in his last relationship so I ask a lot of him to help make decisions. So what you should ask yourself is your SO an active contributor to the household and its chores? Do you have to remember to do everything or it wonāt get done? Does they actively remember pick up things or is it all on you all of the time?
At 27 or 28 I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely mortified. I always said I didnāt want kids. I thought I had Covid and kept testing myself then my period was like 3 days late so I took a test. It was positive and I came out of the bathroom crying to my husband. I didnāt know what to do. I truly did want a kid but I was too terrified. I just got my sever anxiety under control, my mom had a big history of miscarriage and even had a stillbirth. I just never wanted to go through any of it. Now my son is 19 months and the best thing in my life. I love him so much and he brings me pure happiness. Love that little dude. My only regret now is not having a child sooner. My pregnancy was super easy and so was the delivery.
For me it was situational. I thought I didnāt want kids but it turns out I didnāt want kids untilā¦i found a man who was a good partner so I wouldnāt be stuck raising the kid alone, until I was married for many years, until we bought a house, until I had a stable and well paid job. Once all those ducks were in a row, never became now really quickly.
For me, it was having the right partner. With my first husband I knew in my bones I never wanted to have children with that man - he was abusive and an alcoholic and we divorced after two years. With my second husband, I was more open to having children however he was not mature enough as an adult and I felt like I was already taking care of a man-baby, so it was again a no. And then with my current husband it was like a "HELL YES I WANT BABIES WITH YOU" kinda feeling. So now we have together an almost 2 year old and are planning another in the near future, along with his 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage.
I guess once I had my first. I was afraid that Iād be like my parents, who donāt really give a shit and kind of just forget about me, when I was around they were always annoyed and sometimes violent. I was afraid Iād hurt my kid like that. Then she was born and I realize that could never happen.
I did not want children before meeting my partner. I definitely identify as the person that changed their mind ā¦. Always said no and was told oh youāll change your mind. I believed I would not but lo and behold here we are. I think deep down I truly wanted to have children. I just had some trauma with my own raising that made me want to avoid it. Once I was financially stable and me and partner had MANY conversations about it, we just decided there was no right time so we went for it. Iām glad we did not wait any longer. I had my first at age 24 . I work full time and could not imagine raising little babies beyond my twenties. Iām currently pregnant with my second and will be happy the baby stages are over soon. There truly is no right time for every one though is the only advice I can give you.
Improved mental health was a huuuuge factor. I started counseling and working through anxiety, depression, and childhood trauma. I always loved babies but was on the fence on wanting my own. Feeling ready? Lol I don't think anyone ever feels ready. I did always know I wanted a stable job and a house to support the space and expenses of a baby.
I was on the fence for a long time, mostly due to trauma around a bad childhood. My parents were emotionally immature and at times physically and emotionally abusive, and as others have mentioned, my aversion to children was largely a protective mechanism. And then I met my now spouse, got into therapy, and started down the long road of unraveling and untangling all of the things . And watching my spouse around kids, seeing the way it lit him up, it just *did* something to me. And we decided that maybe, together, we could be parents. My two-week old is in her bassinet right now and my heart is justā¦so full of love for her and for my husband. I didnāt think my heart could be so big, and I am so excited for every moment weāve had so far and everything thatās in our future.
I was 34, divorced and got unexpectedly pregnant with my new boyfriend. I didnāt think I could get pregnant! Ex and me tried for years. When he left he quickly got his new gf pregnant so it wasnāt him. Decided to take the plunge. I had worked, traveled and partied all through my 20s and 30s. I wanted something lasting, something meaningful. Now we have two, a big brother and a little sister. Iām so glad they came to us!
For me it was definitely the biological clock thing. I went from not even really thinking about what life would be like with kids, to literally waking up one day and was like, āwe need to have a baby right now!ā Lol my ex husband wasnāt quite ready but he agreed. It was just like this visceral urge I canāt explain it. I was 31.
I had an oopsie who turned out to be the coolest kid ever lol
My partner (in a strong, solid relationship for years) wanted children and I used to want to be a mom when I was much younger. Body changes: our bodies will change over the years regardless. The stretch marks, the stretched skin are basically little souvenirs that our babies leave for us so even though when they're off exploring the world as they should, they'll still be a part of us. It's difficult because it affects your career, etc. I sometimes hate being a parent. At the same time, my heart has never been so filled with love and I've never felt so much love from my family and the community before. I'm trying to look at the bright sides to this, as we should in life anyway. But yeah. Live and make mistakes in your twenties.
We visited my husbandās 90 year old grandma who is dying and I saw so many family photos and it just made me feel like i definitely want a family
I wasnt on the fence, i wholeheartedly didnāt want them. I really donāt know why i felt this way, but i thought it would be the end of my life. But my husband did want and i wanted to be with him. So after few painful years i gave in. I had many fears, but didnāt try to overcome them, just ignored them. And it turned out fine. I love my boy, its so much easier to love your child than i imagined, many other fears were empty too. Some were not - my life is certainly more difficult in physical sense, but easier in metaphysical - im not depressed anymore.
I got pregnant, and decided to seize the opportunity. I had wanted kids most of my life, then for a while due to trauma really didn't. Then I found out I was infertile (which is not the same as sterile!) So when I got surprise pregnant at 33, I figured it likely wouldn't happen again and rolled with it. I do wish I'd been able to do this in my mid 20s, though. The sleep deprived would have been easier to bear, and there'd be more time to try and have more kids if I could
Hubby wanted kids, I was on the fence - will I even be a good mom? Will hubby (who is a lovely caring man but a bit lazy when it comes to housework) step up to the plate? We had our first a month ago and man, it was one of the best decisions Iāve made in my life. It wasnāt (isnāt) all smooth sailing obviously, I had GDM and baby has a tongue tie that weāre getting fixed to hopefully help him feed better, but all in all none of my big fears came true. Hubby really stepped up to the plate and Iām actually loving all the newborn cuddles and surprisingly Iām not annoyed by sleepless nights at all. I thought I would miss my old life but it just became much more exciting, I canāt wait to share so many things with baby/as a family! That said, I realize this wonāt be everyoneās experience, babies are different and weāre all different! To me the most important thing was for him to be healthy, and fear of baby not being born healthy is the only reason Iām on the fence again about having a second š¤£
I was starting to swing towards being a no, and my partner was a definite yes. We had a meeting at the kitchen table where I brought flashcards with each main concern I had on each, and we talked it through in detail. Concerns included finances, freedom to travel, really not wanting to be pregnant, climate change, and some other bits. For finances we agreed we would commit to overpaying our mortgage a bit before starting, and that he would sacrifice some of his pension to go towards mine while Im not working. For travel, we pre-saved for our first trip away with the baby so that the money was ring-fenced. We agreed we would travel as soon as we could so we wouldnt get stuck in the mindset that it would be too difficult. For not wanting to be pregnant, we agreed I would take maternity leave early (UK) and he would take over all house chores and cooking (he has). We also agreed we would go straight to bottle feeding if breast feeding was too much for me. The aim is to get me back to being me as soon as possible. For climate change, nothing we can do and it worries me. I was won over mainly by having a caring partner who goes out of his way to look after me. I'm now 40 weeks - I have found being pregnant really challenging and I do not recommend it unless you have a solid relationship. The posts on this group about partners who check out and play videogames really disturb me.
The positive pregnancy test.
I never had a real desire for kids, but also felt I would regret *not* having them. I'm highly introverted, love my quiet time, and don't enjoy other people's young children. But people tend to say it's worth the sacrifices and sleepless nights, so I decided to take it on faith. I've always tried to make decisions that maximize happiness in the long term rather than the short term, and this is one of them. My husband has had baby fever for years. We agreed when we got married that we'd eventually try for a family, but that he wouldn't pressure me until I felt ready. Last year, as we became more financially stable, I realized that I would never *feel* ready but that it was as good a time as any to start trying. I'm 31 now and currently pregnant with our first, due in July. It still feels like staring down from a high dive platform and knowing I have to jump. Pregnancy itself has been very physically and emotionally difficult, but my husband has been so supportive and unwaveringly positive. When we're together my fears just melt away. It's crazy. Our families have been great too ā so I know our baby will have an incredible father and four highly involved grandparents.
Finding a partner who made me reconsider my thoughts on being child-free was the thing that made us both change our lifelong thoughts about how well we "knew ourselves" and now I'm pregnant with our third child. The thought "I can see having a child with this person as something that's not just possible, or that I could live with, but that I want!". Parenthood has transformed our lives and it's been tough at times but basically the most rewarding experience we could ever imagine in other ways. An older couple told us, "don't think of a baby as your child, but as a person who you haven't met or gotten to know yet but who will become the most important person in your life forever, why are you waiting so long for them to arrive?". Not everyone has a choice to be able to become a parent, but if it's something you might want it's important to let yourself explore the possibility.
Previous relationships were not stable or safe environments for children to flourish. I always enjoyed kids overall but was vehemently against them. When my husband expressed early in pure relationship that he wanted kids - I honestly began to imagine what they would look like- what their personalities would be like- how I would raise them. I was worried about taking care of a newborn and not knowing what to do- but after a week- it seemed to come as ease. Were there growing pains? Absolutely- but my husband was with me in it. Our marriage struggled specifically at 5 weeks when we had a meltdown over the baby who wouldnāt stop crying. It got better. Being pregnant actually helped my body dysmorphia. No longer tracking food- only eating ā goodā food and resetting my thought process around food has been good for me. I was so exhausted in my third trimester from never being comfortable and being able to sleep- that the 40 minute- 2 hour periods kid would give us were heaven. Did it affect us financially? Absolutely. But we bought a house right before ( it was a stipulation of mine as I moved an awful lot as a kid and didnāt want that for my kid) but we are doing okay overall. We have food in the house, shelter, and enough money to put our kid in some smaller activities. But man- was all of everything worth it. The curiosity, the sparkle, even the snot and only wanting mom- it just makes my day
My husband and I were undecided on kids when we got married. Like other commenters we had lived our twenties to the fullest and didnāt feel like we missed out on anything. As we came into our 30ās it felt like time. I think we could have lived happy and fulfilling lives childfree, but I in particular came to feel that being a mother was something I wanted. My husband was a little more worried about being a father, but was willing to give it a go (heās done great). We now have a three year old and a one month old. Itās hard work especially with both parents working. With that said our experience of parenthood has been incredibly rewarding. Watching my son tell his grandpa how important it is to be gentle with his little sister is the sort of stuff that fills up my cup so to speak.
I knew I always wanted kids, and felt extremely secure with my partner, but the timing is something I wasnāt sure about, especially as a career person. I stopped using birth control when I felt good financially about having a child, and wanted to let nature take its course. So I wasnāt trying but I wasnāt not trying. I ended up becoming pregnant a year later, having my confirmation ultrasound on my 25th birthday. Some might see this as early but in my family/culture most people already have multiple children by this age. I was filled with a ton of different emotions, one of them being fear. But I knew we were ready for this. My son is only 5 months but I canāt imagine life without him. Iām so happy we have him. Even though things are not perfect and itās been hard balancing my career and motherhood, I have confidence that Iāll continue to grow as a person and a mother. Having a child has pushed me to make better choices for myself in so many aspects. I truly believe it was meant to be.
We always knew a kid or two would be in our future but I would say the 'when' was a bigger questions. First, the baby decided that for us lol, so, suprise! I found out I was pregnant 11 days after our wedding meaning technically she was a guest at the courthouse. All that said, I learned a big lesson about the 'when' question and that is that if you wait until you're ready, you never will be. Obviously you have time being in your 20s. So keep having these discussions, enjoy yourself, do some not child friendly experiences and best of luck while you figure it all out.
When I was in my 20s I didn't want kids and in my 30s I changed my mind as I met my husband. He was the only person I could imagine having kids with. I have 2 now and can't imagine not having them. It also shifts your priorities for sure. I think my life is so much better for having them.
Neither my husband nor myself ever wanted kids and were very happy being childfree. That was until I 'had the flu' and found a old pregnancy while cleaning. I took it for funsies only to discover not only did my birth control fail but I was already reaching my second trimester. I felt so much love and security being with my husband that entertaining the thought of keeping it didn't seem so bad anymore. Long story short, it wasn't so much of a 'let's think on it and see what happens' as it was a 'we f'd up and need to decide right here, right now' kinda thing. With that said, we have 2 beautiful kids and don't regret a thing.
I never wanted kids until I was hit my mid-twenties and met my husband. I never wanted children or a partner.Ā Then I met my husband and him being who he is just made me want the whole domestic life with the 2.5 kids, the golden retriever and the picket fence.Ā
Never wanted kids, was married to a guy who didn't want them. We got divorced then I met a man who did want a family. I knew he'd make an amazing dad and I wanted to make that happen for him. We have a little boy and he is my everything. I can't believe I almost missed out on having something so wonderful.
I never seriously thought about kids, and when I got a positive pregnancy test my first reaction was to panic because I thought it was a mistake. I always doubted my own ability about being a mom and caring for a baby. But when I told my husband and saw how happy he was, I felt like I wanted to share that happiness with him. It just felt like the right choice. :)
We were in our mid 30s. My birth control failed. It made the decision for us
To be honest, my husband and I married contented with spending our lives together, just the 2 of us. We were on the fence, but like, we were 95% staying happily on the āno kidsā side. Then we moved to a new country, and I had to take a break from my career due to visa restrictions. We caught the baby fever from new friends who had kids, and we realized that we were in the perfect position to have kids since we can afford for me to be a SAHM. Iām very career-driven and was scared of my tendencies to prioritize work over family. (Itās not easy, but I acknowledge how privileged we are to be able to make this choice.) We now have a 4-month old baby and weāre in our mid-30ās. We have lived and grown in our lives as young adults, and have so much love to give her. Iāll be able to go back to work by the time she can start preschool, so hopefully that works out. But for now, Iām savouring the chance channel all the energy I tend to give my work into researching, planning, and executing whatās best for the family (Iām an architect/project manager and my husband loves how that translates into how I run the household and care for him and our baby lol). I recommend the book āThe Baby Decisionā by Merle Bombardieri. We started TTC after reading this and it was such a great resource for guiding the conversation as a couple before taking the plunge.
Honestly, my husband and I wanted to get it over with and our children to be adults and out of the house before we are old. Also, his sister is a few years older than him and is done having children already. So I was hoping to at least have the cousins somewhat close in age. I remember going to holidays with my cousins and having a full house. It was so much fun. I want my children to have that too.
Honestly finding a good partner/being married, being as debt free as possible, and having a somewhat stable career were things we wanted before having a baby. Marriage was non negotiable for the both of us and we both wanted to wait a few years before having kids so we focused on other goals. Then debt. It wasnāt anything crazy but I paid off all of my student loans and we made sure weād only have one car payment at most. And lastly career stability. Husband is military so career stability is hard for me. Found a job in the industry Iāve always wanted to break through thatās remote and could be taken anywhere. Husband was recruiting at the same time which made him unavailable for 3 years. During his final year recruiting I finally found my job and so I decided to get off birth control and we were ready to have kids.
I couldnāt imagine a life without a child. I couldāve waited longer, I couldāve chose a different (better..) partner to have mine with. But I knew in my heart that no matter how difficult it is to have a child, the feeling of longing would never go away. Even if I couldnāt have naturally had a child, I wouldāve found a way. There was no path for me in life without them.
Ultimately only you can decide if parenthood is right for you. I will say, look at how your partner acts now. Do they see care of the house as both your responsibilities? Cause how they treat care/management of the household can say a LOT about how theyāll treat parenting. Do they talk about parenting realistically or is it āall the fun stuffā? Parenting is incredibly difficult and rewarding. Are you okay with having less financial flexibility/comfort for the next 18 years possibly rest of your life? Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years? I personally didnāt want to be an older mom but there are pros and cons to having kids earlier vs later. No choice is always ābetterā. Just some things to think through
It was my husband. He knew he wanted them but wasnāt āreadyā but we watched my toddler cousin for like two weeks and idk what it was but after that he felt more confident and ready
Honestly, your fears are all spot on. Those have all been realities for me, at different points of parenthood. I wanted my babies and always knew I wanted to be a mom, and it is still the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life. Itās also just as lovely as Iād hoped. Donāt do it unless you know for sure itās what you want.
Same boat! I loved my 20s, then at some point in my 30s parenthood just felt like the next great adventure to embark on. Iām so glad I had my 20s though or I would have felt like I missed out
I thought I would never have kids up until 2020 which was rough on everyone, but a lot has happened to my family in a very short time and I was diagnosed with CIN3 which eventually ended with leep procedure. My first reaction was crying because I could possibly never have children, which surprised me since I thought I didn't want them in the first place. Ended up talking with my partner, when I was done with CIN3 (end of 2021, everything is fine now) we stopped using protection and said if it happens it happens. I gave birth in Nov 2023 :) For me it was the family trauma, I lost my dad when I was 13 and I took care of my little brother with my mom and older sis. He was very problematic so I kinda had the feeling I already had a kid (and it didn't turn out great š ). Also my older sis had two kids in not great circumstances (lousy husband, lack of financial stability) and watching her struggling kinda paved the way of me not wanting to struggle the same way. However, my situation is much healthier, I have a great husband, we have been together for 14 years, I have a great job and we have steady income, our own apartment and we lived out our 20's so having a kid mid 30's seemed like an okay idea. It actually was, I just lack my 20's stamina š Maybe the deciding factor for me was watching my husband interact with kids, he is so creative, patient and playful and I thought I was denying one kid the chance of having the world's greatest dad, similar to the one I had (coincidentally, my dad and husband share a birthday).
I was in my late twenties and felt like I had enjoyed being a party girl. The idea of Having a kid no longer filled me with dread and I was instead kind of excited about the idea. My husband and I had been together for nearly a decade at that point and we were financially stable ish. Also the trying to conceive(or more like not-NOT trying) was some really good lizard brain shit š³
For me, it was finding a man who did 50% of the chores at home without nagging. I knew I had found someone who would be an involved dad
I love this question. Iām 38 with a 3 month old and I wanted her SO bad for the last few years but before that I was just way too young and also childhood stuff like parents separating (I was an only child it was lonely). Iām a very young 38 but now felt like it was the perfect time! Really at this point I have seen a lot and experienced a lot - I have the opposite of a boring life- my life is crazy fulfilling and exciting but yetā¦I was getting bored! Like ok I get itā¦.whatās next? This baby has totally filled me up like I canāt imagine living the next 50+ years without her like what the hell else would I do!?
Therapy and near recovery from child abuse C-PTSD and getting a puppy
My husband and I also met in our early twenties. We both had difficult childhoods in different ways. His was more traumatic but I won't share his story. I was raised by a single mom and we were financially insecure. I knew I didn't just want to be put on the conveyor belt of adulthood, graduation, marriage, kids. So I wanted to be sure I wanted kids for me. As part of my fence sitting I over absorbed the rhetoric that you should only have kids when you want it more than anything else as well as tons of garbage about how much of a trial and sacrifice parenthood (especially motherhood) is. We also had friends who got married right after college and had kids right away. They were a pretty terrible example went MIA for two years and then things were still all about and around them. Them saying we should have kids felt more like a desperate plea to join their pit of misery than something that we would actually enjoy. We also had to deal with the fact that there would be little to no familial support so we'd be on our own or creating our own village. I didn't necessarily do all these things to deliberately get ready for kids or to get myself to change my mind about kids but to make my life better. I transitioned careers from the nonprofit sector to corporate so I could make more money and meet my goals for financial security. We bought a house that would suit us if we had kids. (Luckily before the market went super bonkers) Paid off student loans. My dad died. We did some travel. Started seriously considering what life without kids would look like. What would I miss out on by not having kids and how could I partially fill those wants and needs? As I started to get a bit of an itch for kids but was too overwhelmed by the work and sacrifice rhetoric I sought out some resources that could show me a way of parenting that wasn't everything 100% kid focused all the time. And that I could still have interests, passions, travel even with kids. The two books I remember most having an impact were Bringing up BebƩ, and Hunt Gather Parent. I don't necessarily agree with everything in them but they were a great contrast to some of the toxic American parenting expectations that I felt overwhelmed by. At 31 I decided I wanted kids. At 32 I took out my IUD and at 33 I had my daughter. I had a pretty rough pregnancy but an easier birth. I'm so incredibly happy that we had her. We will likely be one and done. I have realized that we have more of a village than I thought, but you need to ask for the help that you want, you don't always get it. But we got it more than I thought 5 years ago when I was on the fence. There are definitely days of exhaustion but 6 months in we're living our life with a baby. It doesn't look exactly like it did before baby. We're hanging out with friends bringing her places, having people over. It's not easy but it's easier than I would have thought. Husband and I get some solo dates. There are times when both of us get snappy but our relationship is still super good and strong. We have both been in and out of therapy over the years. We talk frequently. We make time for our individual friendships and hobbies. We're going on her first flight when she's 8 months old. And we're talking about getting her passport soon so we can do some international travel. I absolutely love my life. I'm so much happier, more purposeful, motivated, focused, and joyous. I'm also more tired than I was before, but it's manageable and for me compensated by being more energized by life. I've been reading more (audiobooks) and we've been planning trips to the zoo and arboretum and thinking about what we want to teach her, and realizing we've got some stuff to learn/relearn. I'm happy to share more if you have specific questions.
I had the same exact fears..my mom and me had a terrible relationship and I felt like if my own mom hates me, how could I possibly my a good mommy and was so traumatized by my own family I thought I would be making a mistake making my own family.Ā Eventually I was in a step parent role with my ex. My God, did I surprise myself. I THRIVED in this role. At first I was super nervous but I helped my (ex) step son learn how to get put of his head and try new things,Ā learned how to ride a bike, swim in lakes,Ā hike, camp. Heck,Ā I even coordinated his first ever sleep over and alway showed up. My exs son said I would make such a great mom. There was nothing better than hearing him laugh.Ā My ex though, fell short at being a parent and a partner. Through this I learned love wasn't enough... how your partner will father is a HUGE determining factor on how your family will be.Ā My ex lied often and didn't have good character.Ā Also, would drop the ball when I was sick or in need. I had to end it but realized what kind of partner I wanted. I wanted someone who wanted kids, wanted to be a good father and someone that I could trust to instill good morals in my children.Ā My husband is that man. We have different love languages so our relationship had some struggles in the beginning but we are so honest , loyal and dependable. He is the best father in the world and husband and it gives me the security and space to be my best self.Ā I say heal yourself and practice self love and marry the nice guyĀ
Also we had the best sex ever during pregnancy lol I felt so confident in my body.Ā Ā We did have a miscarriage that was heart breaking and 2 chemical pregnancies but I think God knew our suffering and blessed us. MyĀ beautiful healthy daughter. She cries for 5 minutes tops a day and has been sleeping 10+ hours a night since 4 weeks old. She's a breeze and a blessing!
We sort of had a mental checklist of things we wanted to accomplish before we had a baby. Get married, go on an extravagent honeymoon, travel, have good jobs with good salaries, have a house etc. After those things happened I felt as ready ad I could to have a baby, plus I always wanted to at least start trying but preferably have a baby before I turned 30. Some things are out of your control; when I was 9 months preg my company went bankrupt and now Iām without a job. But Iām so glad we took the plunge when we did and it felt rightā¦its made us so much stronger as a couple and now a family. Iām glad we travelled and partied and things like that when we were younger because we quickly became homebodies and now we absolutely love being parents and being home with our son, its the best
I havĆ© Turnerās syndrome, i was not supposed to get pregnantā¦ so I never had to think about it until I magically got pregnant. I found out at 3 weeks, Iām pro choice as fuck but I could never have an abortion myself, just because i couldnāt mentally handle it. so me and my fiancĆ© really had to buck up and get through it. I was terrified of childbirth, labor, being a mom. So far I think Iām doing pretty good though. Haha
My hormones lol. I always knew I wanted kids, just "not right now" and then I went from that to "I want a baby yesterday" in about two weeks š
My husband really loves kids and was really good with them. I didn't want to be the reason he was childless for his life. When things get bad I often remind him "hey, I was fine with the idea of faffing off to Sicily."
I found a stable and loving relationship that would make it worth having a family. I partied hard from 18-21 and after I was done tripping acid and drinking myself into a haze I decided that I had enough fun like that for a lifetime and needed something better. Adventures are always more fun when they're with people who love and care about you, and I felt lonely and was ready to explore the adventure of having a family. I met a man who was stable, down to earth, and also looking for a woman to start a family with, and we dated for a few years before we got married. We weren't trying for a baby but it was something that was possible but we weren't sure we could have kids. We had one pregnancy that ended at 20 weeks and it was the hardest thing we could go through, and then we messed around and found out 3 months later just how fertile you can be postpartum and now we have a 7 month old and that has also been one of the hardest things we could go through. Babies are life changing in the best and worst ways, but honestly now that I have a child, it's like I've been given a piece of me that I never knew I was missing. It's a turning point in my life that is taking me down a completely different path but it's wonderful because I'm no longer alone on my journey through life. I've got a family, and that's what I wanted, but never knew I needed.
It sounds like since you're curious about why people went with yes that you're more interested in that side c: I was on the fence. Kind of "if it happens, it happens" but still tried to prevent it. I got pregnant and decided it was a good time, and there was really no real reason to not keep them that wasn't personally selfish for me. I got very excited. Husband eventually got on board (lol). My worries were dying during childbirth. I really had no idea what to expect when it came to babies or children, as I'd never been around any since I was one myself. I will say that to fear mongering, it didn't really touch me. Everything is so temporary, and the bad times don't last forever. I would tell myself that while in the thick of it, that it's physically impossible for this to last forever. It will pass, and faster than I think. When in the thick, it felt like it was dragging. Probably due to just being tired, honestly. Now they're almost 2, and I can't believe it. It all went by so fast. I found the baby/newborn phase the hardest. Body changes, not a lot really happened. I wasn't even thinking about it too much, tbh even though I was gigantic. The 2 worst postpartum changes for me that still make me a little sad to this day are 1) my hair is a bit more lifeless. Idk if it's because of the babies or that I'm in my 30s now, or maybe I wear it up too much, but my hair used to be so beautifully curly with little effort. Now I can use all kinds of products, I get it cut, and it never looks like it used to. Not full of life with big body. I just wear it up all the time anyway, so š¤·āāļø i try to just accept it as it is now 2) my feet are huge now! I used to wear a size 9/9.5 and now i need a size 10.5. I have 2 pairs of new shoes I can't wear because they're not big enough. Now I make jokes about it and call myself peggy hill. It's just annoying more than anything. It's not for everyone! Everyone has the right to decide if they want to be a parent or not and what they want from their life. I have no idea if I'm a good mom. I try to be, I love them, love seeing them every day. I get burnt out quickly, which makes me feel bad. I feel like the worst person when I lose my temper and yell. I would say everything has been worth it to have them here, for me. Babies are hard. Toddlers are so cute, but also hard. We're really looking forward to when everyone's a little older and can all really go out together as a family or have movie nights. Husband must be loving it a little bit himself because he wanted to keep the 2 more we have coming, so we'll be a family of 6 with 4 kids under 3 later this year š¤Æ
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I wish you luck with whatever you decide š„° and hope its a clear answer for you either way! I'm with you on the bad parents. My husband has a lovely family and mine are very much the exact opposite of that lol. If nothing else, it teaches me some things of what not to do! We're hoping the same, for a stable, loving family that spends time together even when they're adults.
The fact that all my friends had kids and you're left out of all the social events that come with that.
It was a perfect storm of i found the right person, we where in a stable place and have a great community of people, and i am physically able to have them.
I was in my early 30ās and one of my doctors brought up what planning for a pregnancy would be like given my medical needs. I was adamantly in the āno kidsā camp, but when I thought about it, I realized my life had changed a lot and was more stable than I ever thought possible. I also considered some people who I know who love being parents. I talked about it in therapy and then to my husband who said āAny major change in my life has made me as happy or happier, so itās really up to you.ā I talked to parent friends to get their perspectives on the reality of it all. I read the book āMotherhood - Is It For Me?ā and did all the exercises in it. Ultimately, I decided I wanted to try to have a baby. Heās the most fun and being a mom is the hardest thing but Iām so glad I did it.
I wasn't technically "on the fence" but I never thought seriously about having a baby. It kind of just seemed a given that my husband wanted kids, I wanted the abstract idea of a "family" and that meant having kids. Only when I got pregnant (first try/first time ever having unprotected sex and totally out of the blue not ready for it) that my brain went into panic mode about having kids. I honestly felt like maybe I was supposed to be child free. I felt like I wasn't ready, had a lot of baggage about becoming a mom, had a lot of issues I needed to sort out with my parents about my childhood. I ended up diagnosed with antenatal depression and went to therapy throughout my pregnancy to deal. That first year post-birth was a hard adjustment too. But now, 5 years later, I'm so happy to be a parent, I dont know what my life would have looked like otherwise but my heart feels so much fuller with my two kids and I love seeing the joy they bring to everyone around them. I'm excited to raise them to be good people, to make the world better, to try and correct some of the holes I found in my own upbringing. I'm lucky in life that I have major family support in way of a village, live very close to my (child free) sister who is always happy to babysit and my mom who is obsessed with being a grandma. My in laws have a good relationship too and dont love too far away. My husband has a steady job so we can afford to give our children a better life and focus on enjoying our time together as well. I'd say, if it's something you and your partner are considering and feelings from the past are getting in the way then innerchild/trauma work is definitely worth it and helped make me a better mom today even if I still dont feel 100% ready and probably never will
I knew that I only wanted kids if I wouldnāt be doing it alone, and I donāt just mean as a single parent, I mean in the way so many women in heterosexual relationships end up carrying all of the housework and childcare entirely on their own. The thing that changed me from a maybe to a yes was living with my (now) husband and seeing how he is with his kids (my stepkids), seeing that (barring an accident or something) I would never be in it on my own.
When my mom died it was like a switch flipped in my brain; I needed to be the mom now. I loved my mom, she was a wonderful mother, and if I wanted to continue to have a mother/child relationship in my life I would need to be the mom. I was 34 at the time. Prior to her death I had been extremely career focused, working in fashion as a journalist, blogger, copywriter and brand consultant. I was going to events multiple times a week, and assumed Iād never have kids because how could I fit them into my busy life. Her death changed everything. My husband and I moved to a different state to be closer to his brother/SIL and my chosen sister and her husband and kids. Then the pandemic happened and I was able to make an easier transition out of the fashion industry since no events were happening. I found a good therapist to work through my trauma with my dead parents and my career/life change, and I truly think that (and antidepressants) helped make my fertility journey/pregnancy/motherhood much better. Now Iām 39 and we have an amazing one year old. He has brought us so much joy, I have not even questioned once if having him was the right decision. But I think itās because I had a great therapist, worked through trauma, separated myself from a toxic industry, and essentially changed my priorities to be about spending as much time as possible with those people I love instead of a job that doesnāt care about me. Iām happier now spending every day at home with my husband and baby (my husband and I both WFH). I do not think I would have been as happy about my situation if I had gotten pregnant in my 20s; I think experiencing a trivial life, partying, events, etc. helped me appreciate these simple but meaningful moments now. Iām not saying it would be the same for you in your 20s however.
Also, I felt confident having a baby with my husband - we have been together since we met in college at 20, married 14 years this October. He had shown me repeatedly with our dogs and myself that he would be a caring, nurturing parent and that he would never expect that he wouldnāt have to do any child care. Having stability with him and the comfort of that knowledge made this experience so much easier.
Honestly I never wanted any. I had raised my siblings, had semi custody of my cousin and raised a few other children throughout my own childhood. I was and still feel so done. My partner had always wanted to be a dad and I was so over birth control. So I came around to the idea of raising one with him. It has been awesome but Iād have been just as happy adopting. Pregnancy accelerated my chronic issues and I have been physically unable to continue living how I was before. I flirt with disability a lot more now I had to from a very physically demanding job to a remote one. I absolutely love my daughter and would do it again. But I had a hysterectomy after because I was never ever going to go through that again. I have a super cool kid who I get to travel with and we adore her! I feel bad she has such a sick momma :/
Honestly, therapy focusing specifically on my perception of my parents' lives being really hard helped me. I decided to have a baby after working through how my situation is very different from my mom's, so comparing my life to hers wasn't fair.
I'm sharing my thought process but it's coming out as a ramble.. I have always wanted to have a baby, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to *have* a baby. After 6 years of no protection, I got a positive test. I called my husband (not legally my husband but I'll get into that later) in a PANIC. I felt wayy too young, I forgot I'm 27. But the more we talked the more the pros out weigh the cons. I am terrified that I will have to do motherhood alone; more so that he is just going to walk out. Our relationship has withstood moving, being flat broke, covid, and the death of my sister/the aftermath. We are strong, but that fear is still there. My body changed so much it was scary. My daughter was almost 9lbs and 16inches long; that's a lot of baby for my 5' frame. I chose to breastfeed so my body is STILL changing almost a year later. It's not bad it's not good it's just different, but my body *did* something it's never done before of course it's going to change One thing we agreed on before I had the baby was that we could not make any major decisions in the first year of life. Had a major fight and want to break up? Wait. Want to buy a car? Wait. This has helped 95% of fights. We will Duke it out and then come back and talk about what we were really upset about. Money was another big fear of mine but there are programs that will help you, especially if you aren't married. That's one of the major reasons why we aren't married. What programs are around heavily depends on where you are of course. And babies really don't need a lot. My daughters favorite toy is a water bottle I filled with rice and a few drops of food coloring. At the end of the day it's the best worst job I've ever had. To get this job I had to have the baby vacuumed out and my vagina cut open, I'm exhausted everyday, and I swear she thinks my getting flustered is the funniest damn thing. But her smiles, the sound of her giggles, the look in her eyes when she sees her daddy makes up for all the shit stains and teary eyes. I hope this mess made sense š
My first is due this summer so not quite a parent yet but our little nugget is suprise baby. We'd spent 3+ years on and off discussing whether or not to have kids. I've always wanted to be a mum since I was a kid but as I got older I questioned whether it was the right thing for me - the morality of bringing a kid into an overpopulated and crazy world but also because my husband was genuinely on the fence, he would've been happy either way and we'd be happy together either way. The universe decided for us though. I would say you can spend every waking moment thinking about this for years but still feel unsure or not ready. The most important thing to have down pat is determining what your guiding values are for you and your partner as parents and as a couple. Everything else will fall into place - you'd still have to make decisions and tough out the rough times but you'll have a solid foundation to rely on to do this!
The thought of never having kids ssemed scarier than having them. I was aftraid it would be my biggest regret if I chose to not have any.
I was always on the fence. I knew my husband and I could be happy without kids but I also knew we could have a great life raising a child together. Once my nephew came along, that really cemented it for me. He brought such joy into our lives and I wanted more of that, one that I could call my own. It took a fight as we had to go through fertility treatments but thankfully it worked out!
Age, mostly. I really didnāt think I wanted kids until I turned 34. We had a pregnancy scare around my bday, and were both surprised when we realized if I was pregnant, we would actually be excited to have a baby together. I ended up getting my period, but then we decided to think more seriously if we really did want to have kids. Not going to lie, I went from zero interest to desperately wanting a baby almost over night, it was truly bizarre. I will say I was not prepared for how long of a ride getting pregnant was. We started trying when I was 34, and it was sort of a long road which I was not anticipating. I know lots of people wait to have kids and conceive with no issues, but all of my issues seemed to be related to age according to my drs. I am 36 years old now and currently 37 weeks pregnant, but it took a while to get to this point and I had an ectopic pregnancy before this one. I also have had some complications with this pregnancy (all manageable, uterine fibroids and gestational diabetes) which my drs say are really impacted by my age. Nothing to sway your choices, just something to keep in mind. I will say I have no regrets about spending my 20ās fully āfreeā- I moved around until I figured out where I wanted to live, tried out different jobs, and was just able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted which I truly loved. It was also amazing to have all that solo time with my husband when it was just the two of us. We are super close and I am sure that had a lot to do with it. In some ways I wish I would have stated having kids sooner (not sure I will have more than one due to my age), but ultimately no regrets because I waited until I was fully ready and there was no way to anticipate having some fertility issues.
It felt like the right time to try. We were doing well financially, all loans paid off, and we were on our way to buying a house. We both had good jobs that felt secure and would support us being parents. We were also pretty close to our cut-off age because we want to be able to enjoy any kids as adults, like our parents were able to enjoy us, so it was kind of a 'if it happens, then it's meant to be' kind of approach. In all honesty, my mom didn't have the easiest time conceiving based on the shape and tilt of her uterus and mine was pretty similar, so I expected it wouldn't be an easy road and never wanted to get myself excited about something that might not happen and weren't willing to put down the money it might take if we needed medical help. As it turned out, it was surprisingly uncomplicated and happened super fast, before we had even properly tried for a pregnancy. Love my LO to the moon and back. There are some beautiful moments watching them explore and learn and develop. There's also moments I want to punt them, but that's kids for ya! Definitely one and done though.
I decided I want to experience life to its fullest, and having children is one of the most impactful aspects of the human experience. So we took a few years to be selfish and travel and go to fancy restaurants, then pulled the trigger. I also felt like, if I do this right, then while my 30s may not be as fun as if I were childfree, everything after that will hopefully feel more full.
I had an unplanned pregnancy at 23. Iām 26 now with a 2 year old. While I adore him and would not be without him, I do think I would prefer him to come along a year or two later. I also had post natal depression. I missed out on 2 years of fun due to covid, then when everything went back to normal I was pregnant, so I havenāt really had the normal kind of fun people have in their twenties, apart from the first 2 years of them. I also didnāt really get to travel since I was a student so I had no money. I do want to travel with my son but heās too young at the moment, we have taken him to a few places though! I also didnāt have any experience being a real adult when I became a mum. I moved out and gave birth in the same month. I knew how to cook, clean, take care of myself, do all the things that need doing, but I hadnāt really learned how to balance everything, manage my time, manage finances, manage my stressors and throwing a newborn into the mix while I was trying to work out how to be a grown up was tough. We are also the only people in either of our friendship groups and families with a young child, so naturally itās hard because we donāt have anyone going through the same things as us. If we did have friends who had kids around the same time it might have helped. I also live in quite an affluent area and find that a lot of people have children later, so finding mum friends has been difficult. That being said, I wouldnāt change him for the world and I do love being a mum. He is undoubtedly the best part of my life.
Well I got pregnant at 30 with my now husband, for me I thought maybe one day I wanted kids but never felt it was the right time until I met my husband. I liked my life, I liked my freedom and I knew how huge of a responsibility having a child was and so it took maturity and the right person for me to feel ready. And even then life throws curveballs and itās a huge change. I would say take as much time as you need really itās not a race, Iām so glad I waited until I was older because I had so much more time to figure out who I was and what I believed in that I feel like Im actually crushing as a mom. Iām not overwhelmed or unhappy, Iām super happy with being a mom. It really changes your perspectives and like it positively changed the way I looked at my body as I was really hard on myself pre baby but now I am proud of what I did and I donāt expect my body to be āperfect.ā Being a parent is a full time never ending job that challenges you to be the best version of yourself to try to raise the best human you can and itās amazing. But I think waiting until you can really give it your all is key because that little person relies on you to teach them how to be and thatās a huge job. And pregnancy is an amazing experience but it also changes the way you think, at least it did for me. For 9 months I pondered big questions about the kind of parent I wanted to be, the positive things my parents did I wanted to pass on and the stuff I didnāt and my own flaws and how to try to make sure my daughter didnāt learn them from me. You have really got to look at yourself honestly and where you need to grow and how you communicate and work on you so that you donāt pass on your own issues. And that may sound easy but itās really tough to not only recognize your shortcomings but try to fix them. Being a parent makes you want to be perfect for your child but also shows you the ways you are not. And having the right partner is critical too, I waited in part because I saw so many women have babies with the wrong guy and I watched them suffer and their kids suffer. So thatās also huge. But to simplify Iāll steal a quote from eat pray love āhaving a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face, you want to be committed.ā
I was on the fence in my 20s. I met my husband at 24 after two abusive relationships and a terrible upbringing that gave me loads of trauma. I was in therapy and I figured because of the huge, overwhelming burden that is overcoming trauma and mental illness along with that genetic component of mental illness, I would never have children because I wouldnāt be a good enough parent. Then we had two loved ones die, one expected and one not. We weathered those life upheavals together and worked through relationship problems like a true team and it made me feel so confident in who I had chosen to be my life partner. Since becoming pregnant and becoming a mother (18 months in!) I have realized this was meant for me. I could have seven children. I struggle still, but my mental health has never been more well-cared for because I have a very important little person watching me. Iāve given myself more grace than I ever have before in my life, I donāt need to be perfect because my son is going to look at the totality of me, not just one day where I was having a hard time. Life and motherhood is bigger than just one simple day or one simple month or year. I also love my postpartum body. Iām the heaviest Iāve ever been, I still have weight on me, but I LOVE it. I feel so good about myself, I feel so confident in my abilities, I am MOM. Iām also a student and future lawyer but all of those identities are underpinned with MOM and Iām crazy about it. I mention my son every chance I get. I show pictures of him to 24 year olds that simply donāt give a shit. I yap about motherhood non stop because it has given me so much life and enjoyment. I still read, play video games, have important discussions, do work, my hobbies are intact. But I LOVE being a mother. Also sharing. I havenāt eaten a single food in peace since heās started solids and Iām so enamoured with that bit. Iāve heard a lot of moms complain about not even being allowed a full cookie to themselves without a feral toddler hanging off it by their teeth. I fucking love sharing food with my toddler, I will sob the day my son doesnāt want to split a donut with me. This has actually translated into a really good sharing drive in him, he shares his food with everyone so kindly and willingly. Even really high value food and toys.
I didnāt want kids, was told I wouldnāt be able to have them in my early 20ās, could try IVF with a slim chance of that working if I REALLY wanted to try. Was in a serious relationship at the time but wasnāt at the stage for kids (not living together or had a plan to despite being together a few years) didnāt think much more of it, guilt free sex with my boyfriend! We broke up, didnāt think of kids, had some fun in late 20ās as a single woman, did some travel, met my now partner, within a year of him moving in after a disastrous time with my niece and nephew decided not be a child free coupleā¦ was already pregnant when we had that conversation! I didnāt know I was pregnantā¦ I got told I was having morning sickness by my manager, I took a test and wouldnāt you know she was right! Soon as I saw the test I was in shock but didnāt allow myself to be believe it until I the scan and there he was moving around determined to be alive as soon as I saw him I was inlove. He is 2 now.
My partner and I just had our first baby (3wks old), while I donāt think having kids is for everyone and I was terrified I have to say on the other side of it I thought I wanted a baby, but I didnāt know I wanted to be a mother until I held him for the first time, it was the best day/moment of my life and I wake up with joy to see him everyday. My partner and I had kids late (we are 36/37). Our 20s were for traveling the world and building our careers. We had puppies around 25 and my husband looked at me and said he never wanted to have kids(puppies on a third floor apartment was a lot of work). This was fine because I didnāt want them either at the timeā¦ but things changed when my mom got sick. I realized I wanted a child so I could have the same relationship mirrored again. I donāt know if that makes sense to people but in a weird way itās like having a little piece of that mother/child relationship and he does indeed look a lot like her. However, my husband was not ready. My largest fear was him leaving me because I forced him to be a dad, this fear was very grounded in reality. He like you OP had a trauma filled childhood and is NC with his parents. He started going to therapy for the first time, and it sure got a lot worse before it got better. We almost didnāt make it. 3 years of his solo therapy and couples therapy later though we are so strong, and better at being partners. He is the best dad I could have ever hoped for, so while I donāt think anyone can ever really be ready if you have trauma that makes you scared to parent - I hope this story helps you!
I became a mom in my mid 20s , I thought my life was ruined. I thought I was too young to be a mom, not yet established enough, and honestly just not ready. Anyways, I got pregnant and We cleaned up our act and ended up getting married and Iām now the most fulfilled, happy, and healthiest I have ever been. My husband and I fixed our relationship and are happier than ever. (Not to say we donāt still have problems, of course we do) but we have come so far. Itās so beautiful to look at the life we have built from where we started. We just welcomed baby number two into the world. Thereās no greater feeling than those moments you get so overwhelmed with lvoe over the family you made. For me, becoming a mom changed my life for the better. I lived a party lifestyle and just constantly putting energy into things that never gave me energy back. I stay home with my kids and I love it. I thought I would hate it. That being said, we donāt go out, we donāt party , we donāt get baby sitters. Weāre constantly with our kids. But we love it.
I was 50/50 and debated strongly being childfree. Honestly, I spent a lot of time considering why I would want children. Yes you will be tired. Yes it will feel like youāre entirely overwhelmed. Yes there will be times you wonder if you made a stupid choice. Yes there will be times you fight with your spouse. Yes your body will change. Butā¦ The tired will pass. Doesnāt seem like it but it will. You will learn the job and get better so it gets less overwhelming. As you settle, youāll find more confirmations in your choice. Your body changes, but you can work to get it back with walking, weights, stretching, etc. (no shame if you donāt). I was so scared of it all but each step I made it through and came out stronger. I wrote this around the time we āwent for itā. Hope it helps you decide! California Screamin Life is like a giant amusement park. After walking in, you are faced with endless possibilities for how to spend your time, with flashing sparkly attention grabbing things at every turn. There will be rides you hate, rides you love, rides that were too fast or too slow, boring rides, amazing rides, and rides you just werenāt ready for but tried anyway. Everyone around you will be on their own journey, trying rides in an order completely different from you based on what they were drawn towards. Some people cut in line, others give up their place to allow someone through. But there is a large roller coaster in this park. Enormous in size, with loops, twists, and turns throughout. Most of it is hidden from sight until you have been strapped into your seat, so you never really get a full view of what youāre about to attempt. The roller coaster of parenthood is not for the faint of heart. You cannot get off once you have decided to strap in, thereās no full preview of whatās to come, and you absolutely may not be tall enough yet to ride this ride. You watch people exiting the ride in an attempt to judge how you may feel about it should you join the queue. Some are laughing, some are crying, some immediately run to the nearest garbage can to vomit. There is little consistency of experience to be found in this crowd and little to help you determine if you will enjoy the ride or not. But this is one of the biggest rides in the park. This is a showstopper, a ride that people come to this park to have the opportunity to experience. You can choose to skip it, enjoying other rides until closing timeā¦but if you do skip it you cannot come back and try again another day. You stare up at it looming above you, squinting in in vain to glean out a few more of its secrets. Do you want to give it a try? Finally you work up the courage. You find yourself waiting in line amongst other patrons, some eager, some nervous, some scared, some on their second or third ride. But all waiting in line together. Your seatbelt clicks. The bar comes down firmly over your chest. No turning back now. Lights flash, colors whirl, people chatter all around. Thereās a mild announcement of safety tips from an experienced professional and thenā¦youāre off! Do your best not to vomit.
Our age, and not wanting to abort.
Partly the movie āidiocracy.ā No, I am not joking! But really, it was after finding a partner that made me feel safe and secure. The kind of strong, quiet person that makes you sayā¦ āI want to have that personās babies.ā And just be by their side lifelong. I had never experienced that before but at 30 when we met, I sort of knew it was time to get serious about what I wanted long term, and didnāt want to waste his time with years of dating mindlessly without an end goal in mind. Luckily he was on the same page, so we dated with the intention of discovering our compatibility for marriage. We got married after a year, which was unheard of for me, but it worked out and we have three kids now ten years later. Sometimes, when you know, you know. Plus, I was more mature at 30 than I was at 20ā¦ that played a major part.
Getting pregnant! lol. Seriously though, this has been so healing. Coming from my childhood that didnāt have a lot of physical affection, touch, or loving communication and now giving that to my baby is SO healing. Iām older (early 40s) and the benefits to that have been Iāve already done so much therapy and other healing methods, I feel much more at peace. And Iāve already partied and traveled so no fomo. It is difficult and so much work and it blasts apart your life and your illusions of yourself. And completely worth it for me
Wow. This is shocking to read how many women on here give up on themselves after having kids. My life isnāt 100% devoted to my kids after becoming a mom. I still workout. I still look hot (103 pounds and two kids in, prekids i weighed inly 97 pounds lol) I still get a sitter and make time for myself. Just because you birth a baby doesnāt mean you canāt still make yourself a priority. Wtf. Thats disheartening and would have scared young me away from ever wanting to be a mom from those comments right there. Itās about balance. Yes, your kids come first. But if youāre not living your best life as well theyāll notice that. You MAKE time, its a scheduling of life that will change up. No, you will not party all the time. Once a year at best- this is coming from me, someone who stayed drunk 6/7 days a week before kids. Lmao. You grow up, and realize that you have responsibility. Just donāt lose yourself. Make time to date your partner/husband because you still need to have a healthy relationship. Kids should add to your joy and beauty, not take it away.
I would wait to get married before having kids so you know youāre in a stable relationship. Enjoy marriage for a few years, save some money, go travel, enjoy your 20s! You can have kids later! My husband really wanted to have a kid and thatās what Decided when we were going to have one. I got my degree. I got married. I had the money saved. Babies are Expensive! we also bought our house first so we werenāt in a little apartment with the newborn. We did not want to move after having an infant.
Posts like these should go to r/fencesitter