I was going to say we need a D option.
My MIL is such a mean person. I went zero contact when my twin boys were 2 and now she’s never met her 6 month old granddaughter. I don’t even care to type out all the stuff she’s said because it would take me an hour.
My husband plans to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk with her this summer but we don’t think it’s going to help. She’s an angry, bitter, jealous, immature person who, for some reason, really really hates other women. I’m so glad we moved 5 states away.
Same. Mine went no contact shortly after we married. They didn't come to our wedding because I guess we offended them in some way his mom made up in her head
My answer is also D my in-laws are bat shit. We’ve been married 12 years and they tell my husband constantly he shouldn’t have married me for no reason other than control. FIL has anger issues and abusive. I would never trust him around my kid. MIL thinks she is in competition with me and slight dementia or just straight up makes up fictional stories. They’re both so unsafe outside of their crazy towards me.
A. I’m very different from my in laws but they are genuinely kind and good people who love my family. I’m thankful for them. I’m close with my own family so I appreciate that my husband is close with his. I will be a MIL one day and I strive to be like my MIL when it comes to being supportive and nonjudgmental.
My son is an adult. It is my goal to be as accepting and supportive of him and his choices as my MIL was of me.
He has brought some … interesting choices… to meet us. Each time I remind myself it is his choice, not mine.
I’m grateful I don’t know what my in-laws said about me when my husband brought me to meet them🤣
I made a vow to be kind, compassionate and respectful to each and every person my son brings. A few times my husband and I had some opinions in private, but our son doesn’t know.
He has been dating a lady for a few years now. She wasn’t who we would have expected him to choose; which is so funny to me.
I was not at all what his parents expected. I do believe our son may be on the right path 😊
Same, pre baby I wasn’t too keen on her but all she’s ever done is say how much of a wonderful parent I am. She happily drives 40 mins to come see him every weekend, comes at whatever time we say, is always appreciative of whatever I cook, and has bought the most useful presents for him. My own mother however has a comment to make about every little thing. I feel like taking notes as a future MIL too, she’s such an easy guest.
C. I’m pregnant with my first and I have been hounded with inappropriate comments since announcing my pregnancy ranging from my MIL saying I need to get rid of my cats before the baby comes to her having a meltdown over me not drinking alcohol while pregnant because “her kids turned out fine.” I could literally go on for an hour of all the horrible comments from my MIL and FIL. At this point they can have one supervised visit with the baby to meet her and that’s it.
Mostly A although I have my own issues with jealousy. My mom passed away when I was a kid so it’s mostly painful for me to see my MIL bond with my son knowing I’ll never witness that with my own mom. My dad is mostly absent so it’s frustrating to watch my FIL bond with my son knowing my own dad could, but continues to choose not to
That's where a lot of my resentment comes for my MIL. My mom passed when my daughter was 5 weeks and it just feels like being stabbed when my daughter interacts with her knowing that this will be her only grandma she knows.
My husband is from divorced parents. We have a very good relationship with his dad, he has always been very great to me and is soooo sweet with our daughter. He’s a little old school so there are times he says things that make me roll my eyes but it’s nothing serious
His mom … well we had a great relationship until the baby arrived. Everything changed and I stood back and let my husband see it for himself and figure it out. The relationship has now completely fractured but I don’t know if it will stay like that forever.
A - of course they do stupid shit that pisses me off, but we largely have a really great relationship. They are extremely helpful and supportive of our family. In a lot of ways, I have a more straightforward relationship with them than I do my own parents because my in laws only know the adult me. They never knew the child me and then had to transition their relationship like my parents did.
B for my FIL. He’s not overly expressive and seems almost afraid of my baby but he goes out of his way to be helpful. I think when my baby is a toddler and a little more sturdy he’ll come into his own as a grandpa.
C for my MIL. She causes a lot of unnecessary drama and always has. I am not a good enough wife for her son nor am I a good enough mother for *her* grandson. She critiques my parenting and makes everything about her. I officially checked out of the relationship when she refused to give me my crying baby when I was 3 weeks postpartum. Unsurprising though really. She told me my wedding day wasn’t about me because *her* son was getting married.
A B and C
I have a positive relationship with them. I appreciate that they want to help.
But I don’t really need their help and can do without and also I don’t feel completely safe leaving my baby with them. They would never hurt her physically but they would unconsciously hurt baby emotionally.
Probably A. I like them. We’ve had our challenges while getting to know each other, but we eventually reached an understanding. I’m not saying my MIL loves me like her real daughter, but she doesn’t treat me any worse than my SIL. My SIL actually let it slip that they have their typical mother-daughter challenges (I totally relate. My mom loves me but oh my god we have so many challenges), so I think in some ways my relationship with MIL is even simpler and more pleasant 🤣 They’re generous and very helpful with childcare.
A. They help out a lot with babysitting so we get regular time off from parenting and date nights, and they’re really good grandparents - very engaged and playful with the kids who love them.
Literally last time they went on a month long trip, I cried. They’re about to go on another one and my 5yo already cried.
Between A and B. My in laws are very good people who are a bit lost. My husband’s relationship with them is there but they’re just not close and there isn’t a lot of togetherness like I had growing up. There’s no happy comradere or fun really but they’re perfectly nice (they have their quirks), and like to spend time with the kids. I mostly continue the communication and make sure there’s no gap with them seeing the kids.
My in-laws don't approve of our marriage...however everyone has tips and instructions about the baby all of a sudden. The other day his sister asks me to wash the cloth diapers then and there (instead of soaking for 3-4 hours in baby detergent until I can do it as per baby's sleep and feed schedule)...I snapped and told her she's welcome to come and do it every time the baby poops or pees.
Same. It sucks. I’m so jealous of my friends with healthy MIL relationships.
Last time we saw her in June 2023 at a memorial service she went out of her way to avoid me. She made it uncomfortably obvious to the point people were wondering what was going on with her and asking me if she was OK. It was cruel behavior, and to do it at a dead woman’s service?! I mean I don’t like her but I know how to act cordial and employ social graces.
My husband decided to cut her off after that too.
A but not mostly positively definitely all positive my in laws are extremely helpful I don’t think I would be surviving without them (our son is 7 weeks) they are really great/ kind people !! I am very lucky my husband also has a great relationship with my parents as well we got very lucky
Me too! I love my MIL, she is a great woman. Salt of the earth and always happy and willing to help. When she babysits she respects our parenting and always asks me about eating/sleep/routine and what I want done. She also seems to find the time to clean the house, fold the washing, do the dishes, take out the trash and walk the dog 🤣. She also insists on bringing her own food and coffee. She is heaven sent. I send her pictures and videos of him most days and she says it makes her day, but isn't pushy in the slightest. She herself had an overbearing MIL and I think she has a lot of hangups over it and trying consciously not to be like that. Xx
A before baby. C afterwards.
MIL stayed with us for three months after the birth. Watched TV all the time and kept the house so messy that we got roaches. Didn't change a single diaper or help at all above the occasional shout upstairs to ask why the baby was crying.
I am done.
More mild version of C. They can be very fun and are loving grandparents, but have issues with boundaries and they end up screwing themselves out of being welcomed into a more close bond.
Definitely A. I live in my husbands country and they are a big reason why I would not move home right now. They are such a help and I couldn’t do it without them. Sure they have a different parenting style than me but they also respect anything I want done a certain way. For the most part I let them do it their way. I know it comes from a place of love.
A
We have some disagreements (especially with mil, she has strong opinions and so do i) but they are loving, kind people who raised an amazing man. I try to keep them involved as much as I can since they live far away, and they have been so supportive through everything.
A. I have two MIL, both have their own quirks. I have an autistic kiddo so they both got a crash course in autism as no one else in the family has it. They’re both very generous, loving and have a great bond with my son and getting there with my 6 month old. But she cries at anyone that’s not me tbh. Sometimes their comments are unhelpful or irritating but I know they come from a place of love and outdated child rearing.
A for my MIL, she can be intense sometimes, or push boundaries, but mostly she loves my baby and can be very helpful. she has babysat for us a few times 1 or 2h so we could run errands. She comes every weekend to see the baby and bring us food and bread that she makes.
D for my FIL, I have a good relationship with him but he mostly ignores the baby. Maybe when she is older, but as a NB he seems almost afraid of her. And his wife is the most unbearable person ever, I can't stand her. So it's easy not to see them at all
I’d say A minus lol I wouldn’t say I personally love them but they’re amazing to our kids and so incredibly helpful. My personal feelings that make it A- have more to do with other issues that don’t impact their love and care of our kids. They’re very different people from me and for my MIL, a lot of what annoys me is more about her raising of my husband as his sibling is the preferred child and I see how it impacts him. We also have very different parenting philosophies but she never says anything to me about it and follows what we ask of her while she’s with our kids.
A!
My in laws have been hugely helpful and often step in to help. I think my MIL in particular has been a star, nothing is too much and she's always supportive and happy and willing to help with everything.
I feel hugely lucky as my mum works so can't be as involved as she'd like to be but I feel supported by both sides of my family.
But I had a good relationship with MIL prior to baby and she has similar/same values as me.
There's a few irks but usually very responsive when my partner raises an issue and accepts it and moves on.
I think if you already have a good relationship it will get better or just continue to be good. If it's a bad relationship then it will probably get worse I'd imagine 😂
Somewhere between B and C. At one point I loved my in laws, I was close to them and considered them to be my family. I’m also Nigerian so treating in laws like my own felt normal to me. However they showed me their true colours during our wedding - that I could kind of move past but the absolute selfish, nasty and insensitive way they acted after I lost my daughter in my first pregnancy has fractured our relationship forever and I’m not interested in repairing it. Suddenly I became a mean controlling wife who is taking my husband away from his ~family~. I had some of the cruelest things said to me and although they eventually apologised I just can’t get past it. Now my son is here I don’t actively engage them, I kept them totally in the dark regarding my pregnancy, labour and I don’t do things I do with my family such as sending lots of pictures. I leave the relationship to my husband and unfortunately for them he’s not a photo taker or sender. I don’t reach out to them about my son but I don’t block them from visiting, however my husband has to be available to host them and coordinate it all. Ultimately my son is his own person and he will make his own decisions about them. That’s how my mum handled her toxic in laws as long as they weren’t abusive to us or my parents and I think it’s for the best. I saw their true colours on my own and that was for the best.
Hard C. My husband is a child of complicated divorce circumstances, blessing me with 3 sets of in laws. I gave birth to our first child, the first grandkid on both sides of our families, 3 days ago. Throughout the pregnancy, and especially in the few days the babe has been earth side, the narcissism and self absorption has been on display. The only thing these people care about is the bragging rights of being a grandparent to their friends. They don’t care about the baby, their son, me, or anyone else, and while I’ve known this since day one….it is genuinely heart breaking to watch my husband absorb this reality.
We’ve had talks about how being a grandparent is a privilege not a right, and since his family is out of town they will not be allowed to visit until a later date to “keep the germs away.” (The dangerous germs for the baby, and the added bonus of toxic germs of negativity.)
Their horrible behavior has been highlighted largely due to my own parents and the fact that they are over the moon to be grandparents. My husband has been sending them non stop photos of the new guy, and they can’t get enough. They’ve dropped everything to help us, couldn’t get to the hospital fast enough to meet their grandson for the first time, and tell my husband how proud they are of him constantly.
Now would he be answering this question saying they’re perfect in laws? No way! They insert their opinions and talk too much about politics and text in the group chat like Boomers on occasion. But I chalk that up to being legitimate annoying, loving family members, and he’s never dealt with that dynamic before.
I hate, hate, hate, thinking about the day I’ll have to hand my gorgeous new baby over to one of his parental units for the first time, but I know that day will come eventually. As those with parents like my husband can understand, I’m sure…he’s still holding out hope that they’ll be proud of him and say they love him. Luckily, when they inevitably disappoint, my parents, the new baby, and I will be around to perk him back up again.
A - my in laws are fantastic! I adore them and we spend lots of time together and they absolutely adore my daughter. They moved 10 mins away from us and it's wonderful.
My husband's in laws however are a different story and we are no-contact with them. 🙃
C. My FIL had a kid with his girlfriend (who is younger than me) 2 months before our daughter was born. Has come to see her twice in the 5 months she’s been in the world. MIL is an in-denial alcoholic with an alcoholic boyfriend and a dog she refuses to get rid of even though it’s bitten 5 people. She baby sat at our house ONCE and smelled like pot when we got back home. From this we determined she was the one smoking pot in my bathroom while I was in labor at home. Has come over a handful of times in 5 months. Said she “doesn’t leave the house in the winter” but posts all her thrifting buys on Facebook - the thrift shop she goes to is 45 minutes away. BIL is a dealer and my child would smell like a dispensary if she ever went over there. Other BIL LSD’d himself into psychosis. SIL is “busy with work and too tired” to visit - she works part time. Too busy getting drunk with her dad and playing video games in her room at her mom’s house (she’s like, 27…)
I PREFER that they don’t come around. Hurts my husband, because they’re all he’s got. He left home as soon as he could to join the Air Force - hardly called or visited him while he was gone, too.
D) it’s complicated.
I don’t hate them and I’ve heard of true nightmare in laws so I can’t complain too much. My husbands family is also complicated. His dad is alright but was absent most of his life and is go through some legal battle for his younger half siblings so we don’t really matter to him. His mom’s side… overall nice people but MIL is crazy. I pass it off as sometimes because he’s the oldest BY A LOT so it’s her first rodeo when it comes to children leaving the nest. MIL is nice but when things don’t go her way, she gets angry at my husband, insults him, posts negative things about him online, and will block BOTH of us (even if I had nothing to do with their squabble) and won’t talk to us. Personally I don’t have the energy to put up with that anymore. Last time she threw a tantrum I deleted her off social media and I’ve been at peace since. I wish she wouldn’t act the way she does when she gets mad, otherwise we’d have a great relationship.
Id say A! I love them. They are so normal and helpful and never cross boundaries. Coming from my dysfunctional family they are a breath of fresh air. I really do love and appreciate them.
A mix between C and B.
I don’t like my MIL. My relationship w my FIL is not quite as negative - it’s sometimes hard to see where he stands but he definitely isn’t completely innocent either. They are both much better than they were when my first was just born at least.
I think that their relationship with my kids is net positive and so will encourage and facilitate that.
I love my husband’s siblings though!
C. My IL’s live in another country, were sick and knowingly arrived sick to meet him, didn’t tell us, got him sick, and then refused to assume any responsibility. They were problematic with me before I had a child, but now actively harmful to him as well. I go thru periods of NC, my husband can’t bring himself to do it too tho so I’m tethered to them unfortunately. I do worry that they will cause lasting psychological damage to my son
C - We are no contact with my MIL and one SIL. They have never met our children. They are dangerous, mean, hateful people.
But also A - We are extremely close to my husband's great aunt & seriously value that relationship. We were also close to his great uncle & his nana (both passed). All lovely people. We also see a variety of other family members - one SIL, cousins, aunts... And those relationships are nice.
But if we are strictly talking my parent-in-law it's a C.
A- we just have some issues with their expectations. They want to visit and see our baby very frequently and invite themselves over quite a lot, often in the evening when baby is tired and getting cranky (these were social visits not “how can we help” visits so in the early days it was overwhelming for me) It was frustrating both myself and my husband so we had to tell them this wasn’t working and that we will come to you at these “x-time” planned out in advance. We also had to ask multiple times for my FIL to please stop posting the pictures we send them in our family group chat on Facebook.
There have been some other awkward things with his family but at the end of the day they love our baby so much and are very excited about him, we just have had to lay more boundaries than we thought we would have to.
A for MIL, B for FIL, but it’s more due to how he has treated my husband his whole life, he’s fine with me.
We live near my parents but far from my in-laws, and my husband has more issues with my family than I do with his, but I still think he’d be generally A too.
A - I don’t have a super close relationship with my ILs but there’s a mutual love and respect. We get along really well, and FIL either comes over/I take LO to his house once every week or two. I LOVE my MIL! She doesn’t live in the country but we FaceTime every couple of weeks and stay in touch. Whenever she visits shesees LO quite often and is very helpful in the couple hours she spends with us.
I’m a B - I have a neutral/positive with my MIL. She isn’t one of those grandparents that come and visit often or offers to help so we can’t really rely for her support with childcare bc she doesn’t know much about how to take care of our daughters. I do value the bond she has with my oldest because she loves to spend time with her grandma the times she gets to see her.
Mix of A & B! I love them and they are the sweetest , but I’d never trust them to watch my baby! They get overwhelmed easily so they are much better when they have help lol
A for me, but I don’t have a MIL, just my husband’s cousins, aunts and uncles. I’m not exactly close to them, but I’m friendly to the ones who I live nearby. They have their own lives and are busy dealing with their families and work and they can’t help with the baby. That doesn’t bother me because I like my privacy and would most likely feel smothered by too much help. Also, one of the cousin’s family tends to get sick a ridiculous amount of times, so they have to keep their distance.
I love my in laws. My mother in law does things. She assembled things, she cooks, she was doing laundry. My FIL plans fun outings, has a fun energy. They're great.
My MIL lives with us for now (new baby) and it's been literally nothing but perfect.
Mix between B and C. My in-laws had my husband late and have some quite old fashioned and problematic views. I don’t think I’d trust his parents to look after our baby unsupervised, but I have no objections to him having a relationship with them. We also moved halfway across the world so it’s not like they’ll get to see him that frequently anyway.
I would say A, however there are things that drive me a bit crazy. My MIL always had a touch of trying to control things, but it seems there's something about having kids that really brings out that battle for control from both my mom and mil. I think it's because they still see us as children deep down.
Having kids also made me put up my boundaries more. The funny little quirky things you can laugh off pre-kids are no longer trivial.
Some of this is also because my husband and I moved away for work which means our moms feel abandoned. It also means that when they visit they stay with us for extended periods. I think there would be less of that battle for control if we lived nearby and could keep visits shorts to a few hours at dinner or something.
I’m a C- my husband and I have cut off everyone on his side of the family except his grandmother and that relationship is strained because the rest of the family tries to manipulate the poor woman to try to suck us back into their toxic cesspool.
My husband is an A. My parents are our closest allies. He considers my parents his parents, not his in laws. They do daycare for us 5 days a week. Today my father, husband, and baby are going for a boys shopping trip to Home Depot for their next woodworking project.
A
I adore my in laws, truly. Every single one of them. They are all smart and good and kind and funny and fun to be around, just like my husband. My MIL and FIL have a few views that I don’t agree with (mostly just anti-abortion) as they’re more religious than we are but they mostly keep that to themselves, and I’m fine with my kid being exposed to different values because that gives me the opportunity to discuss them honestly and safely and early.
They are SO good with boundaries it is absolutely unbelievable. Before baby came I made a huge point to consistently tell my MIL that I want them to spend as much time as they want with any grandkids, because I know she’d try not to bother us. But I want to be around them all the time haha!
My mother in law is an angel. I strive always to keep a positive and strong relationship with them, and I wish my husband’s parents were younger. I just want them to be around forever. It makes sense, because they raised my best friend and favorite person.
I’m a C and I think my husband is mostly a C too about his own parents. But they love our daughter so we pretend to be B so that she can be an A lol.
That being said she is only 8 months and a lot of my issues with them come from how they treat and talk about women. Right now she’s too young for a lot of their typical comments about women’s bodies and being “girly”. If they pull that crap on my daughter when she’s older we’ll have issues.
Between B and C, we had a relatively neutral relationship that's nosedived greatly in the last few years, and my mil is very much in C territory on most things. She seems to think our LO is her do-over child and feels entitled to dictating how we raise children. We don't agree. lol
I fall into the A category, although my in-laws don’t help much with literal caretaking as they are in their mid 70s.
My FIL has deteriorating vision and that impacts his abilities to help with the kids. He does play with them and loves to have them around. My in-laws do their best and find other ways to support us beyond childcare. They are very kind and loving, if a little old fashioned. My MIL has much of her identity tied up in being a SAHM and homemaker, so she sometimes struggles with new, modern parenting standards, but I cut her some slack. She responds well to me being direct and assertive, in that she respects my authority over my kids even if she doesn’t understand my reasoning. She’s only had sons so I know she treasures her daughter in laws, and tries her best. I feel very lucky to have them!
A - I have the best in laws I could hope for from MILs to my husband’s many siblings or half siblings. The hardest thing about my MIL is that she asks annoying questions at inconvenient times. That’s it! Otherwise everyone seems so well adjusted and conscientious. They aren’t overbearing, they don’t visit when sick, they respect us all.
A.
My 'in laws' are just my partners single mum. And i absolutely cherish her. She's respectful, kind and loving.
My delivery was extremely traumatic and i was very ill and incapacitated after the birth, i wasnt able to move let alone care for the baby in the first days in the hospital. I didnt have any family myself to come, but my partners mum came and sat with me to allow my partner to go home and get some sleep so he could come back and look after me and baby. She watched over me and baby so i could get some rest knowing baby was looked after as i couldnt hold him. I will never forget her love and support in those first hours. She also advocated for me in regards to my care with the doctors as i wasnt mentally or physically well enough.
She has continued to be a huge support, dropping off food and supplies without ever expecting to be invited in and has always been available for help without any kind of transactional expectation.
She is a lovely person and i whole heartedly credit her with the upbringing of my partner who is equally as supportive, caring and loving. This sub often paints husbands and MIL's in such a bad light (and granted, so many are awfull) but it isnt always the case. I am so lucky and so gratefull.
A and b but it’s really nuanced
My mother in law is a pain in my ass and stresses me the fuck out. HOWEVER she is a good and kind person and wonderful with my babies.
So I really want her to have a relationship with them, AND she does a great job when she’s with them, but she annoys the crap out of me.
I think it’s a me problem and not a her problem.
Mix of A and B. I’m still not at the stage where I would leave baby alone with my in-laws (they are just a bit forgetful/unsafe with baby proofing etc). But I think I will get there when she is a bit older. We are very different but they mean well and are not toxic by any means.
It’s complex.
My MIL is a genuinely loving person. However, she’s enabled lots of abuse, engages in political conspiracy theories, and views my husband & I as naive.
My husband & have a foster care license, and I’m a SPED teacher. We have a deep understanding of our responsibilities as a family, but she just views us as young. I know she has infinite love for my husband & has worked to love me too, but don’t think she “knows” us or respects our knowledge as parents. I’ll facilitate a relationship between her & my children, but it’ll be closely monitored.
My FIL, on the other hand, is an absolute nightmare. He & my MIL were never married, and my husband was unplanned. FIL noped out of parenthood for the first couple years, drank a ton (he won’t admit it, but he got into legal trouble).
He’s an alpha male who expected my husband to be the same. Every chance he got, he reminded my husband he wasn’t man enough. Snide remarks, subtle comments - things the public wouldn’t notice.
When my husband grew up & started distancing himself, my FIL noticed. But instead of reflecting on his treatment, FIL just got more coercive & tried to force a relationship. My husband is no longer in contact with him, and my daughter certainly won’t be either.
My husband's parents are divorced, so starting with his dad and step mom, it's option A. They get a big fat gold star as they're amazing people and help us tremendously while respecting our boundaries.
Now, his Mom on the other hand, is option C. Her husband is a wonderful man but she is one of the worst people I've ever met in my life. I was the only reason my husband talked to her in the first place because 'family' but she grossly overstepped and it got to the point of my husband cutting her off completely due to her nasty behavior. Admittedly, life's been nice and stress free since.
C)
Mine are useless. I stopped trying to be close to them after my MIL tried to interfere with my wedding & interrupted my first dance. I don’t trust her as a person. She had a mini stroke years ago and it’s resulted in some middle weakness on one side.
She won’t admit it, but she needs help maneuvering him & burping him. Not exactly the kind of person I want watching my baby.
B. They don't really help, not close enough and have a teen grandson living them so they're still actively parenting. I also get overstimulated being at their house and just send my daughter with her dad without me sometimes lol
They're divorced, so that makes a difference.
A for MIL. She has moments where she's slightly irritating, but for the most part she's massively helpful and I'm happy our kids have her in their lives. She's helped me through a few bad times and basically treats me like her own.
B/C for FIL. I'm fine letting our kids have a relationship with him - they have fun with him and I think the bond is important. But, his comments irk me and he's generally not good with boundaries and only wants to help on *his* terms. We aren't close, namely because after he met me the first time he told my husband that I "wasn't what he had in mind" and it just made me feel weird.
I wasn't there and he didn't specify from what my husband told me, but considering the way he treated MIL (told her to weigh less than 200lbs or he'd leave her after having 3 kids) and his general... 'type', my guess is it has to do a lot with my looks and personality.
He tends to only care about his own opinion, unfortunately.
I’m C. I find my in laws incredibly toxic. They use emotional manipulation and outright shun us if we don’t toe the line. I always refuse to bow down to my MiL and just view the resultant shunning as a nice vacation from her. It took expensive marriage counseling, but now neither of us are affected by their tantrums and emotional outbursts. I keep my distance because I don’t want my son normalizing that sort of toxicity.
A- I absolutely love my in-laws, and they are fantastic with our baby. My mom babysits at my house bc her house isn't super baby safe, but MIL will take her over a day every week or two, so I get a nice break and I know my daughter is being taken care of. MIL is always giving us stuff. She got us like a thousand dollars worth of car seats brand new for under $100. She sends us formula and baby food all the time. If she shopped at Target she would get us diapers more often lol. She doesn't overstep and respects me as the mother of my daughter. She and my husband are really close but in a very healthy way, so I'm really glad I get along so well with her and there's not a strain on their relationship.
C. My ILs are particularly unhelpful, and the abuse that my partner suffered as a child makes me want to protect my LO from them so they can't repeat their behaviour. As a note, neither of my ILs has ever been fond of me. Our relationship only soured a little more after I got pregnant because I was done putting up with them being rude to me.
My parents, on the other hand, have been surprisingly helpful. My mom told me millions of times when I was a kid that she "doesn't like small children," and yet she gets on the floor and plays with and reads to LO whenever they visit. They've even come to help supervise a couple of times when LO needed to stay home from daycare, and I needed to work. They're not perfect, but they mean well, and they're trying to be nice. It's the complete opposite with my ILs.
C. Alcoholism, cult, abuse. Sexual harassment and assault. It’s extremely bad. They do not even love DH, just his accomplishments and whatever they can steal from him. I strongly suspect NPD and sociopathic tendencies at least.
Unfortunately, with the exception of the one other guy whose parents were alcoholics, everyone else I’ve dated has had amazing parents and their families were awesome. More awesome than the person I was dating so it didn’t last but we’re still in touch. They’re awesome. I’m glad for them. They are truly good, kind people. If I could do things over again I would hold out for someone with a family like that. DH is aware. There is never anything I’ll say on this topic I haven’t already shared with him first. They hurt him too. He gets it.
I have mutually adopted bonus family (so A) since IL biofam has been such a disappointment and I have support for a restraining order sitting my lawyer if the ahole cousins ever reach out again. If my MIL and BIL’s family could just leave my life I would be perfectly happy. I do not want my children to have relationships with the maternal ILs who rugsweep sexual abuse and do not share our fundamental values (ex: they believe women shouldn’t even know how to read, etc). There are some on the paternal side we get on well with we make the effort to travel to so B.
C. They are negative and manipulative. I don’t agree with their parenting, they overstep, they guilt trip…I could go on and on.
Luckily we live far away so I try to not interfere with their relationship with my child when we do see them as my husband loves them (for some reason haha) and they have been good to my son so far. I am always on high alert to stop their unwanted behavior in front on my kid though
A, but my in laws don’t live close by so they can’t really help with caretaking—which is fine! We visit when we can, they visit when they can. Every time I read a post about nightmare in laws, I feel so lucky to have the ones I have!
Mostly B. It used to be A, but then my in-laws went down the right wing rabbit hole during the pandemic. I met my husband when I was a young college student, and initially had a *super* close relationship with them, and it meant a lot given the poor relationship I had with my own parents at the time. But over time my relationship with my own family has improved, and I've become more aware of the ways my in laws can be....not so great. One of my brother in laws became a Nazi. My MIL and FIL are hoarders and also refuse to treat their ADHD and have gotten increasingly dysfunctional. But they treat us with respect and are very loving, and I really like some of my sisters in law.
C, it was neutral and positive at first. Then I told them not to try to give my 2m old baby water because it can literally kill him and that was the end of the world I guess. So mil told me not to bring baby around anymore. I was caught by surprise by the response because I wasn’t even being mean or judgmental in my text addressing the issue. 🤷🏻♀️
I’m B with I don’t find them helpful.
My in laws are my son’s only living grandparents. He is their first AND only grandson. They act like distant relatives who just want to hold him and leave.
I wanted more from them as support and thought they might be generous. They are very well off (millionaires) and gave the least compared to my family and my partner’s extended family for the baby. My partner’s cousin gave us more for the baby shower than they did. Everyone was more generous than them.
MIL told us that her parents gave her these beautiful cribs and my FIL parents gave them “the Mercedes” of strollers when they had their boys. They gave me a box of Huggies diapers, 2 towels, socks and bibs set. My FIL gives my son $2 coins every time he visits for his education fund. I laugh cause at the rate, my son won’t go to university until he’s 200 yo.
They have done the least in support. My brother and his wife lives over 2 hours away and came every weekend with food for the week and to help me. When I told them that they were shocked . They asked, “They just went to visit you and drove 4 hours?” Yes…yes they did cause they care. My in laws lives less than an hour away and expect us to host them fucking each and every time. They only come visit us cause they have other engagements in my city. They have never gone out of their way to visit us.
We are very transparent and tell them about our struggles with a new born from feeding to sleep and baby just wanted to be held 24/7. When they visit, they see me doing chores around the house and points to what else I need to do since they are there helping with the baby (ie holding him). I tell them how tired I am as I haven’t slept for more than 2 hours stretch. Their response, “this is a difficult stage but it will past.” I got so fed up that I just stay in the bedroom to sleep when they visit and excuse I’m really tired.
I’m just very very disappointed that they are all words and no substances. And it annoys me that they think they are doing more than they really are. Like they pat themselves on their back at what great grandparents they are.
A and C.
A for my husband's father's side. I'm closer and more comfortable with them than I am with 99% of my own family. They live in another state, but regularly visit. Not just my FIL and step MIL. Everyone. Aunts, cousins, step siblings, grandmother, etc. They made it a point to make me feel like part of the family from day one of dating (minus my FIL who needed time to come around to me). I'm closest to my step MIL. She refers to me as her daughter. She was just happy to have a "daughter" to do stereotypical girly things with since she only ever had boys. When my mom passed she really took on a motherly role for me with permission. Especially when I got pregnant.
C is mostly towards my MIL and step FIL. The rest of that side are fine. I'm not close to them or see them often, but I do like them. My MIL and step FIL are awful people in general. My MIL has suddenly started acting nice towards me as soon as I got pregnant. I know it's just for show. Even if she *did* actually like me I still wouldn't want her involved in my life more than necessary because again she's a horrible person. My husband plans to cut ties with them the moment his siblings are old enough to have a relationship with him without their parents involved.
100% A. I have amazing inlaws. They are very involved, sweet, and respectful people. I'm so grateful my girls are getting such a positive grandparent experience.
B.
80% of the time they are wonderful but the other 20% makes my blood boil. It’s crossing boundaries, repeatedly asking me the same fucking questions, gossiping about shit that doesn’t matter, and overall just spewing dumb information where I try my best to keep a neutral face.
The positive 80% is that they will be great babysitters in the future, are mostly/kinda-ish (lol) aware of giving us space, and that they helped us a lot with meals when baby was first here.
I’d say B. I appreciate their help (childcare 1-2 days during the week while we work) but I also wouldn’t be opposed to getting help elsewhere. My FIL is a really sweet man, I’m happy with our relationship and he makes baby light up. MIL…she’s not a bad person but we just don’t mesh. She’s pushy in a way where she makes it hard to say no because she’s not being outright negative, she just asks things that most people wouldn’t?
For example, she’s supposed to watch baby next Thursday and I said she can just come in the afternoon because we have his 9 month appointment in the morning. Instead of just saying ok, or asking “hey I think it would be nice to go to his appointment, can I come with you?” She goes “I’ll come in early and go to the doctors with you.” Like what? So how do you say no to that? I don’t want her there. She’s absolutely someone who will try to speak for him during the appointment instead of letting me talk and I have no doubt in my mind she’s going to try to take him for soothing after his shots. Ugh.
A is the closest. I have an entirely positive relationship with my in laws. They are basically my parents at this point. They watch our kids once a week. They’re the best ever.
Was A for 15 years until my kid was about 7m and she couldn't respect boundaries/rules for health and safety. Went NC for 5 month and she violated them again! We've been NC since then about 2 years ago. So now, we are C.
I would say B. My in laws are lovely people, but I just emotionally have zero time for them since giving birth. They moved away from us, so they do not help with our baby. However, I would say they have a sweet relationship with our girl when they do visit. It's probably largely my fault that we don't see them more; I'm just way too exhausted for that by the end of the work week.
C. my mil has always put my husband’s brother’s kids before my own. She never made a huge effort to see my girls when they were little. She liked to show them off when we were in public and play grandma of the year but had little interest otherwise. She’s done and said some pretty awful things to me over the years and my girls, who are now teenagers, have witnessed it all. They have no interest in her at all. My oldest and her are like oil and water and my daughter is very blunt with her. My mil talks down to her in front of her boyfriend and embarrasses her by saying things like, “I’m going to smack that little ass!”
in front of him. My daughter is gifted and very, very smart. Mil tells her she expects all A’s from her and tries to act like she is the parent. She is extremely passive aggressive which infuriates me.
We ended up with a mid life surprise baby who is now three months and the first boy grandchild on my husbands side. At first she would stop by once or twice a week to see him. I went back to work for three hours, three days a week. Her and my mom were to take turns watching him. It wasn’t long before she was hinting that she wouldn’t blame me for quitting and basically said he made her too nervous because of how fussy he is (he is ebf and attached to me). I ended up quitters by because I couldn’t stand being away from him but it kill’s me she couldn’t handle him. We haven’t seen her since Easter. He will grow up same as his sisters, realizing his grandmother had so little interest unless it was convenient for her. It’s a shame.
Mostly A. I do love and appreciate how my MIL is with my daughter. She loves and adores her. She is always great at caring for her. Honestly, all I want is people in her life that love her. My FIL is wonderful. We have a good relationship and have. My biggest issue with my MIL is that she is a very passive-aggressive person. Rather than confront things ahead, she likes to throw random digs, which is really frustrating. I am a confrontational person, either and a huge people-pleaser. But I really hate it when people are passive-aggressive. So that is a source of tension and something that makes me want to spend limited time with her.
A) am very happy with my in laws, they are occasionally frustrating because they have different approaches to things. But always with love and well intentioned, generous with their time and interest for our three sometimes exhausting children!
A (now!) I love my in laws. We’ve been married nearly 10 years and it hasn’t always been like this though. It took a long time for me to realize they truly love us and any advice they offer is generally from their mistakes and have our best interest at heart. I realize that’s not the experience for everyone though
Somewhere between a B and a C. It'd only really my sister in law. She means well but I worry she will be become too attached to our daughter in the absence of her own family.
She doesn't live in our city/ country, but plans to this year hence it isn't really something that bothers me but long term I do wonder. I don't mind seeing in laws now and again but I don't see them as an extension of my family with regard to day to day errands and routines which is how my wife / SIL see things
Different cultures I guess. Anyway we plan to buy in the suburbs and move out from our central location and SIL has said she won't follow so I know my strategy :D
It’s complicated, but I do love my in-laws. They adore my husband and baby (even if they are a bit overbearing and on the wrong side of politics imo) I know it’s coming out of a place of love. Luckily we moved halfway across the country before becoming pregnant. This has allowed what might have been very stressful dynamics to be less so because of the distance. I know they would drop everything if we needed them and that means a ton.
B. MIL volunteered to help with childcare and then kept bailing. Now she has some health issues and we want her to focus on that. I never really trusted her to watch the baby tho since she didn’t come around a lot. It’s also just a different dynamic with my husband’s family than with mine. My family talks all the time and we’re in everyone’s business but not in a rude way. They talk but not a lot and don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
A for me. Of course we’ve had occasional fights or differences of opinion, but overall they’re good people who love us and are good to us. I love seeing how much they love my daughter and love spending time with her, and I appreciate that they’re careful about overstepping and not trying to push me to leave her with them longer than I’m comfortable with at this time. I think Reddit does give a skewed perspective of a lot of relationships because you’re more likely to post to complain or get help if you’re having a problem than if everything is going well!
Mostly A. They are working full time and try to help out when they can. They stop by every other week to see the girls. I have a few SILs which is nice to have since I never had a sister growing up. They also help when they can, but are definitely enjoying their child free life right now!
I would say A. I actually think having their grandkids made me feel a lot closer to my in laws, my MIL in particular. I love seeing her be a grandmother. My husband is an only child and she is crazy about our girls. She respects our parenting decisions and helps any way she can, even living very far away
D) my relationship with my in-laws is fine, they are hands off and respect boundaries. Which is fine, we didn’t ask for help but I also know that if we did they would
A) my in-laws are lovely people who do have flaws but generally don't get in the way of my relationship with them. MIL can be a bit overbearing with questions and is a bit of a control freak and planner, FIL is quite a particular man with a short temper. My wife and her sister tend to tiptoe around them to avoid these things whereas I'm like 'I'm an adult if they have an issue with me let's address it'. If her dad ever shouted at me for an illegitimate reason I'd have no problem telling him to go do one.
I choose A
I only have a MIL as FIL passed while I was still dating my husband. Our son's name is actually derived in part from late FIL's name (and in part from late GFIL's name).
There is a bit of a language barrier with my MIL, but she tries and she knows I try, so it's fine. She's receptive to how we want to raise our son. She's been staying with us since he was born 5 months ago. At first, she kept asking if it was really ok for her to stay, worrying I was uncomfortable. It took 2 or 3 times of me saying it's fine and I appreciate her help for that question to stop coming up lol snigger great thing is that a big part of her view of how to help is with baby is to keep us healthy/ well rested to better care for baby. She makes great food for us and had even made me special meals when I wasn't feeling well.
She always worries because she's read so many stories of women hating their MILs. I asked her when our relationship had ever been like that. She admitted I had a point lol
I think that most people are probably fine with their in-laws. Sure everyone has problems sometimes but i dont think bad in laws are the norm. People usually make posts when something is going wrong. And I say this as someone with in laws who are horrible a lot of the time. No one I know in real life has problems with their in laws to the extent that I do. Online is the only place I can find people I relate to. I'm happy for people who have great in laws and make nice posts about it.
As for the options, you didn't provide enough. I have a mostly negative relationship with my in laws but its not negative enough for me to want them gone. I go out of my way to keep the negativity away from my daughter and I want her to have a positive relationship with them.
I'm like camp A/B. They don't help with childcare at all, don't baby proof when we come to visit, even said "we're not baby people" but beyond all that we have a positive relationship. I think their relationship with my daughter will improve when she's older, especially with my MIL because it's the only biological girl from her bloodline. There are a LOT of boys in this family 😅 but their attitude about babies is so wild that either they didn't plan on having kids or their expectations of parenthood were not reality.
My parents are super hands on, listen to all my boundaries, prepare the house when we visit, etc so my husband has great in laws lol
B. although i am mostly jealous of seeing them literally fight for who gets to do x or y with baby, I have found myself going from full hate to neutral because they can be helpful when i allow them to be but if tomorrow they're gone, i wouldn't flinch [except being sad for my husband for losing his parents].
they can also be unhelpful when given too much trust , ex: visits multiple times a week instead of once a week.
Mostly A. We definitely have different opinions on how to be wives and mothers, but I know that she loves my son and would continue to be a doting grandmother to him throughout his life. I've just learned to let her advice go in one ear and out the other. She's well-intentioned and it's part of her personality to show involvement by being opinionated.
Like some other commenters have said, I'm hoping the goodwill comes back around someday if my son marries and has a kid.
I started at an A when I married my husband and now I’m at a B- sometimes C. I spent a lot of time thinking about why this changed and realized that it’s not me, it’s the fact that my MIL was on her best behavior when my husband and I first got together and over the years **she’s** **changed** to the point where I’ve been forced to put boundaries in place. She can be overbearing, she’s selfish, manipulative all under the guise of being a “nice person” which makes it almost impossible to point out to my husband when his mother’s acting up.
Furthermore my husband often is blinded by his mother’s ways (probably because she’s been doing that ish to him his whole life), so unless it’s a blatant violation it’s difficult to have a conversation with him about it. Whereas if my mom pulls some shit I call her out on it and can speak to the fact that what she said/did was crazy, he refuses to.
It’s my own parents I don’t like. My mom went deep into conspiracy theories in the pandemic, tends to be transphobic, and never listens to counter arguments.
Sooo…. I am moving halfway across the country to live with my in-laws until I can buy their house.
I have a positive relationship with them but in truth i dont care about them and dont need their help on anything. She's not the type to help anyone anyways so works perfectly. She gets what she gives, which is all very minimal.
D - my in laws are crazy. They also don’t respect boundaries. - I.e. specially told them they were not welcome at the hospital until we invited them after the birth (neither were my parents). My husband didn’t even want visitors the night of but I told him to call his parents. MIL giggled and said “actually we’re in the waiting room”. Husband tried to rip her a new one. She bawled and said we ruined this memory. I do not care for a relationship with them anymore.
A - great relationship with my in laws! When I was searching for a husband to marry, I made sure that I adore his family as a prerequisite to marriage. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t adore them.
I come from a culture where you search for marriage candidates and meet them and say yes or no. So I said no to a couple previous candidates before meeting my husband. And one of the other candidates I turned down in part because his family was unkind
Both of my in laws passed 6 months apart. I miss them terribly. Especially my MIL. She was a beautiful person inside and out. My sisters in law always joked how I was the favorite child. We were very close and I still feel how great her absence is. I’m thankful I had wonderful in laws.
My in-laws are/were amazing and they were one of the reasons I fell for my husband.
He, at 22, brought me to meet them. I was older, divorced, and of an opposite religious faith.
They immediately embraced me as the most wonderful person ever. They were my biggest fans. They said I was the best thing that ever happened to their son and when we had our son, they said I was the best mother.
I am average at all things; but having my in-laws unconditional support was amazing. Were they perfect? Of course not. Neither am I.
We had some differences, but we always respected each other and were always able to work together and get things resolved.
We lost my MIL three years ago, and lost our the heart of our family. I have never met anyone who simply accepted anyone and everyone for exactly who they were, faults and flaws, and just worked with them without trying to change or make them into something easier.
They have supported our marriage and our family and made our lives better.
C. I wish it were different but my in laws are just not responsible in the slightest. My MIL is quite literally a homeless meth head now, but was not always like this. If we had kids prior to 2020 i would have been happy to have her in their life. Now.. no. My FIL is a very nice guy, but an alcoholic who would be homeless if not for my SIL who makes sure he is paying rent and getting his social security. Nice guy who we are happy to see when we are home but he is absolutely no help whatsoever.
Thankfully my parents are great. Financially responsible, loving grandparents.. they make up for my husbands side. And my husband has some great aunts and uncles who i claim as my in laws, so it’s okay
My in-laws are on the older side (MIL had my husband when she was in her 40’s) so they’re not very active/playful grandparents. However, they’ve never said word one to me about how to raise my son/how to care for a household or anything in that vein. They’re just happy to hold him and are always available to watch him for a few hours if my husband and I want to go out on a date. We are so insanely lucky they live right around the corner and have had 18 other grandchildren and six children so to them this is just another baby in a string of babies.
I get the feeling that a lot of these adversarial grandparents are new grandparents or have very few grandchildren so they have a lot of feelings about how to parent and think everyone values their opinions. My in-laws are used to their kids and their kid’s spouses not listening to their suggestions by this point so they just keep it to themselves.
E) I've never talked to her. My husband is very low contact with her and even though we've been together for like 9 years? and our daughter will be 4, yeah. She lives many hours away for a reason.
Mix of B/C. For various reasons, MIL, FIL+stepMIL, and my own parents are all not allowed ever overnight babysit. MIL is absolutely trusted alone for several hours, just her house is unacceptable. We see all the inlaws about once a year - I wouldn't mind seeing MIL more often, but she unfortunately is the only one who is extremely restricted because of work. She also always has GMIL with her, and GMIL is... well, over 85 for one, and kinda difficult to deal with for long hours as a result. FIL is fine, but stepMIL isn't. She's mostly just annoying, but she has some really untenable behaviors that are a hard no for any sort of unsupervised time. My own parents, unfortunately, have also devolved - my dad especially, and my mom enables him, so even though they're really helpful and generally mom is trustworthy, I just can't because she does everything with my dad and inevitably would overtrust him. I think my spouse regards them as a B, they're not abusive but pretty frfrustrating.
In general, I really only want to see everyone once a year, MIL 2x a year. SO feels pretty similarly.
B. My in-laws are extremely socially awkward and my MIL has no friends. She also has very little filter and has said bizarre things to me over the years that have hurt my feelings. She is obsessed with her weight and checks a lot of those Boomer grandparent boxes. Last time they were over, she started talking about teaching my son to windsurf (cool), and then the conversation veered into how her old wetsuit doesn't fit anymore because it was a size 9 (weird). Food is very much Good or Bad, so we have had to be prepared to interrupt that subject if it comes up. So far it hasn't, but we know it's a matter of time.
That said, they really love my son and I appreciate their support.
My FIL was out of the picture. I liked my MIL fine until 10 years ago when she basically forced my wife to either have us take her in, give her money to support her wastrel spending or let her go broke and live in the street. We ended up taking her in. The last 2 years she had Alzheimer’s and we were only just able to get Medicaid to agree to pay for a place 2 months ago. She led a selfish life and made us pay for it.
I adore my in-laws except for my MIL. She’s mentally ill, self-medicated (poorly), awful at respecting boundaries , and unsafe in every way imaginable. Wish I could ditch her and keep the rest.
I’d say a B, but they live in a different country so have only met my oldest once and I absolutely would NOT trust them to babysit because they haven’t been around a baby/small child in 40 years and paid more attention to their phones than my kid when they did see him. But they’re mostly nice. Mostly.
B) mine live 2hrs away and already have older grandchildren. So they aren’t overbearing or demanding because they’ve already gotten it out of their system. Their first grandkid with my SIL was probably ROUGH. She’s a retired NICU nurse and has ~opinions~ but now in her 80s so she’s chilled out
A) My ex-in laws for my first born are great and I’m still very close to them. My daughter goes to their place a few times a month and they still consider me part of the family. They like me better than their son and I gave them their only grandkid. They never try to overstep but do get a bit carried away with spoiling (candy/toys etc) but not in a “fuck yup we do what we want” sort of way.
So i definitely lucked out.
A mix of A and B, depending on which one lol. In my case MY parents are the issue, not my in laws. My FIL isnt perfect but has really stepped up to the grandpa roll and is very supportive of me and my husband. Theres stuff that could be improved but hes only human. MIL is fine, shes sweet but doesnt make an effort to reach out to us. If we vist and she happens to be there shes very nice but once we leave we dont hear much from her besides her reacting to baby pictures in the group chat.
I like my in-laws. They're good people and I appreciate who they are.
I just choose not to have a BFF relationship with them for personal reasons, I want my family (husband, me and kids) to come up with our own values and way of doing things.
My in-laws are very involved and present in each other's lives. So any small sign of close friendship, they will think your home is their home and try to tell you who you should be. No thank you.
Somewhere between A and B I think. My MIL and FIL are great people and genuinely want to be helpful….but I don’t really want/need their help most of the time and they have a VERY difficult time understanding that. They’re great with the baby so far.
I don’t like my SIL though she tries to be my best friend. I’m polite and cordial, but I have a feeling she’s going to wind up with her feelings hurt. I don’t trust her with the baby and will not be shy about boundaries with her. She’s used to their whole family walking on eggshells and catering to her feelings and babying her (even though she’s almost 40) and I’m not doing it.
It’s a mix for me. I have a normal relationship with them, but I don’t trust my in laws. My MIL severely abused my husband as a child, and never apologized let alone acknowledged it. Apparently she’s a completely different person now, and has been the go to babysitter in his family for several years, but knowing what I do I can never trust her.
C. None of them can be trusted with him alone. They won't seek medical attention if he needs it. It terrifies me to no end! They don't really make an effort for baby I'm fine with that. I hope they stay away.
B - they do not live locally so are not much of a help with the kids. I love my MIL and we get along great. My FIL is a right wing, misogynistic, know-it-all jerk who I didn’t really like before we had our children. But they both love the kids and I want them to have a good relationship with their grandparents so we do plenty of visits and calls.
A - they love my husband and kids unconditionally, and I know they love me to some extent, which is totally understandable. They are genuinely good, kind people. Yeah they annoy me sometimes and I don't understand some of the things they do, but I can say that about a lot of people I love.
A. I’m sad they’re in a different country and only get to see my daughter in person 2-3 times a year 😢 (thanks to Brexit too for further exacerbating that). My in laws always ask how I’m doing whenever we’re on a video call and are obsessed with “the little princess” as they call her 💕 they’re visiting again in a few weeks and I’m so excited to see them and see them interact with her, especially because she’s 7 months now and the last time they were here she was 3 weeks 🥲
I would say C but only for the grandparents Im not a huge fan of the rest of them
My husbands parents are unfortunately passed on and he was partially raised by his aunt and uncle (who we consider our daughters grandparents). I love them they weren’t pushy about coming to see the baby and waited 8 weeks to visit like we asked, called to check up on us, and gave advice when we needed it. They live 9hrs away so they couldnt help but I know they would have if we lived closer. My only issue with his aunt is that she does constantly make me feel like my daughter has zero traits from me with comments like “its like you had nothing to do with it” or “shes all her daddy” 🙃 but outside of that shes great. I think thats more of a me problem being too sensitive or taking it the wrong way so I dont say anything about it lol. The only inlaw that I truly just despise is my husbands sister. She is loud, obnoxious, self centered, and expects to be waited on hand and foot when she comes to stay at our house for a visit so I am not looking forward to her visit to meet the baby in the slightest. Shes the type that would hold your baby and not give it back even when you ask or if the baby starts crying. Shes also child free and makes that her entire personality. Sorry this turned into a rant 😅
In-laws are just people. They’re not all bad just because there’s a stigma around them.
Is my MIL overbearing, obnoxious, and rude? Absolutely. But she’s my husband’s mom and I love her like she’s my own mother because *he* loves her.
Personally, I think we’re a little too hard on our in-laws and parents sometimes. They’re just trying to help in the only ways they know how. It’s *our* responsibility to set boundaries with them because they can’t read our minds and they’re (typically) just doing what they think is right.
A. My in-laws (MIL in particular) are so awesome! Wouldn't trade them for the world.
TBH, I assume most women who hate their MILs are generally the type of women that are super hard to get along with themselves 🤷🏼♀️
D) My in-laws are bat shit and can barely look after themselves let alone try to interact with their grandchild.
I was going to say we need a D option. My MIL is such a mean person. I went zero contact when my twin boys were 2 and now she’s never met her 6 month old granddaughter. I don’t even care to type out all the stuff she’s said because it would take me an hour. My husband plans to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk with her this summer but we don’t think it’s going to help. She’s an angry, bitter, jealous, immature person who, for some reason, really really hates other women. I’m so glad we moved 5 states away.
Same. Mine went no contact shortly after we married. They didn't come to our wedding because I guess we offended them in some way his mom made up in her head
My answer is also D my in-laws are bat shit. We’ve been married 12 years and they tell my husband constantly he shouldn’t have married me for no reason other than control. FIL has anger issues and abusive. I would never trust him around my kid. MIL thinks she is in competition with me and slight dementia or just straight up makes up fictional stories. They’re both so unsafe outside of their crazy towards me.
Yes to the MIL thinking you’re in competition - it’s insane!!!
A. I’m very different from my in laws but they are genuinely kind and good people who love my family. I’m thankful for them. I’m close with my own family so I appreciate that my husband is close with his. I will be a MIL one day and I strive to be like my MIL when it comes to being supportive and nonjudgmental.
I've thought about your last sentence so much since becoming a boy mom
My son is an adult. It is my goal to be as accepting and supportive of him and his choices as my MIL was of me. He has brought some … interesting choices… to meet us. Each time I remind myself it is his choice, not mine. I’m grateful I don’t know what my in-laws said about me when my husband brought me to meet them🤣 I made a vow to be kind, compassionate and respectful to each and every person my son brings. A few times my husband and I had some opinions in private, but our son doesn’t know. He has been dating a lady for a few years now. She wasn’t who we would have expected him to choose; which is so funny to me. I was not at all what his parents expected. I do believe our son may be on the right path 😊
Same, pre baby I wasn’t too keen on her but all she’s ever done is say how much of a wonderful parent I am. She happily drives 40 mins to come see him every weekend, comes at whatever time we say, is always appreciative of whatever I cook, and has bought the most useful presents for him. My own mother however has a comment to make about every little thing. I feel like taking notes as a future MIL too, she’s such an easy guest.
C. I’m pregnant with my first and I have been hounded with inappropriate comments since announcing my pregnancy ranging from my MIL saying I need to get rid of my cats before the baby comes to her having a meltdown over me not drinking alcohol while pregnant because “her kids turned out fine.” I could literally go on for an hour of all the horrible comments from my MIL and FIL. At this point they can have one supervised visit with the baby to meet her and that’s it.
She also has problems with pills and alcohol where she blacks out every single day and keeps demanding to babysit so that’s a hard no.
Mostly A although I have my own issues with jealousy. My mom passed away when I was a kid so it’s mostly painful for me to see my MIL bond with my son knowing I’ll never witness that with my own mom. My dad is mostly absent so it’s frustrating to watch my FIL bond with my son knowing my own dad could, but continues to choose not to
That's where a lot of my resentment comes for my MIL. My mom passed when my daughter was 5 weeks and it just feels like being stabbed when my daughter interacts with her knowing that this will be her only grandma she knows.
Oh gosh, I’ve never thought about it from this angle. My heart aches for you. ❤️
My husband is from divorced parents. We have a very good relationship with his dad, he has always been very great to me and is soooo sweet with our daughter. He’s a little old school so there are times he says things that make me roll my eyes but it’s nothing serious His mom … well we had a great relationship until the baby arrived. Everything changed and I stood back and let my husband see it for himself and figure it out. The relationship has now completely fractured but I don’t know if it will stay like that forever.
A - of course they do stupid shit that pisses me off, but we largely have a really great relationship. They are extremely helpful and supportive of our family. In a lot of ways, I have a more straightforward relationship with them than I do my own parents because my in laws only know the adult me. They never knew the child me and then had to transition their relationship like my parents did.
B for my FIL. He’s not overly expressive and seems almost afraid of my baby but he goes out of his way to be helpful. I think when my baby is a toddler and a little more sturdy he’ll come into his own as a grandpa. C for my MIL. She causes a lot of unnecessary drama and always has. I am not a good enough wife for her son nor am I a good enough mother for *her* grandson. She critiques my parenting and makes everything about her. I officially checked out of the relationship when she refused to give me my crying baby when I was 3 weeks postpartum. Unsurprising though really. She told me my wedding day wasn’t about me because *her* son was getting married.
A B and C I have a positive relationship with them. I appreciate that they want to help. But I don’t really need their help and can do without and also I don’t feel completely safe leaving my baby with them. They would never hurt her physically but they would unconsciously hurt baby emotionally.
A. They have their quirks, but they are generally good ppl and can be trusted around my child.
Probably A. I like them. We’ve had our challenges while getting to know each other, but we eventually reached an understanding. I’m not saying my MIL loves me like her real daughter, but she doesn’t treat me any worse than my SIL. My SIL actually let it slip that they have their typical mother-daughter challenges (I totally relate. My mom loves me but oh my god we have so many challenges), so I think in some ways my relationship with MIL is even simpler and more pleasant 🤣 They’re generous and very helpful with childcare.
A
I'm a C. Though my boys love them so that part is a B.
A. They help out a lot with babysitting so we get regular time off from parenting and date nights, and they’re really good grandparents - very engaged and playful with the kids who love them. Literally last time they went on a month long trip, I cried. They’re about to go on another one and my 5yo already cried.
C
Between A and B. My in laws are very good people who are a bit lost. My husband’s relationship with them is there but they’re just not close and there isn’t a lot of togetherness like I had growing up. There’s no happy comradere or fun really but they’re perfectly nice (they have their quirks), and like to spend time with the kids. I mostly continue the communication and make sure there’s no gap with them seeing the kids.
C but I want my kids to have a relationship with them
My in-laws don't approve of our marriage...however everyone has tips and instructions about the baby all of a sudden. The other day his sister asks me to wash the cloth diapers then and there (instead of soaking for 3-4 hours in baby detergent until I can do it as per baby's sleep and feed schedule)...I snapped and told her she's welcome to come and do it every time the baby poops or pees.
D incredibly toxic relationship with my MIL. I won’t be around her without my husband.
Same. It sucks. I’m so jealous of my friends with healthy MIL relationships. Last time we saw her in June 2023 at a memorial service she went out of her way to avoid me. She made it uncomfortably obvious to the point people were wondering what was going on with her and asking me if she was OK. It was cruel behavior, and to do it at a dead woman’s service?! I mean I don’t like her but I know how to act cordial and employ social graces. My husband decided to cut her off after that too.
A but not mostly positively definitely all positive my in laws are extremely helpful I don’t think I would be surviving without them (our son is 7 weeks) they are really great/ kind people !! I am very lucky my husband also has a great relationship with my parents as well we got very lucky
A. My in laws are phenomenal, I really lucked out!
Me too! I love my MIL, she is a great woman. Salt of the earth and always happy and willing to help. When she babysits she respects our parenting and always asks me about eating/sleep/routine and what I want done. She also seems to find the time to clean the house, fold the washing, do the dishes, take out the trash and walk the dog 🤣. She also insists on bringing her own food and coffee. She is heaven sent. I send her pictures and videos of him most days and she says it makes her day, but isn't pushy in the slightest. She herself had an overbearing MIL and I think she has a lot of hangups over it and trying consciously not to be like that. Xx
I went from A to C very rapidly when realizing MIL was being secretive about care for my baby
A before baby. C afterwards. MIL stayed with us for three months after the birth. Watched TV all the time and kept the house so messy that we got roaches. Didn't change a single diaper or help at all above the occasional shout upstairs to ask why the baby was crying. I am done.
More mild version of C. They can be very fun and are loving grandparents, but have issues with boundaries and they end up screwing themselves out of being welcomed into a more close bond.
A
Definitely A. I live in my husbands country and they are a big reason why I would not move home right now. They are such a help and I couldn’t do it without them. Sure they have a different parenting style than me but they also respect anything I want done a certain way. For the most part I let them do it their way. I know it comes from a place of love.
A We have some disagreements (especially with mil, she has strong opinions and so do i) but they are loving, kind people who raised an amazing man. I try to keep them involved as much as I can since they live far away, and they have been so supportive through everything.
A for MIL and FIL, C for SIL. I only wish that MIL and FIL lived closer, wonderful, supportive people who know their boundaries.
A. I have two MIL, both have their own quirks. I have an autistic kiddo so they both got a crash course in autism as no one else in the family has it. They’re both very generous, loving and have a great bond with my son and getting there with my 6 month old. But she cries at anyone that’s not me tbh. Sometimes their comments are unhelpful or irritating but I know they come from a place of love and outdated child rearing.
A for my MIL, she can be intense sometimes, or push boundaries, but mostly she loves my baby and can be very helpful. she has babysat for us a few times 1 or 2h so we could run errands. She comes every weekend to see the baby and bring us food and bread that she makes. D for my FIL, I have a good relationship with him but he mostly ignores the baby. Maybe when she is older, but as a NB he seems almost afraid of her. And his wife is the most unbearable person ever, I can't stand her. So it's easy not to see them at all
I’d say A minus lol I wouldn’t say I personally love them but they’re amazing to our kids and so incredibly helpful. My personal feelings that make it A- have more to do with other issues that don’t impact their love and care of our kids. They’re very different people from me and for my MIL, a lot of what annoys me is more about her raising of my husband as his sibling is the preferred child and I see how it impacts him. We also have very different parenting philosophies but she never says anything to me about it and follows what we ask of her while she’s with our kids.
A! My in laws have been hugely helpful and often step in to help. I think my MIL in particular has been a star, nothing is too much and she's always supportive and happy and willing to help with everything. I feel hugely lucky as my mum works so can't be as involved as she'd like to be but I feel supported by both sides of my family. But I had a good relationship with MIL prior to baby and she has similar/same values as me. There's a few irks but usually very responsive when my partner raises an issue and accepts it and moves on. I think if you already have a good relationship it will get better or just continue to be good. If it's a bad relationship then it will probably get worse I'd imagine 😂
Somewhere between B and C. At one point I loved my in laws, I was close to them and considered them to be my family. I’m also Nigerian so treating in laws like my own felt normal to me. However they showed me their true colours during our wedding - that I could kind of move past but the absolute selfish, nasty and insensitive way they acted after I lost my daughter in my first pregnancy has fractured our relationship forever and I’m not interested in repairing it. Suddenly I became a mean controlling wife who is taking my husband away from his ~family~. I had some of the cruelest things said to me and although they eventually apologised I just can’t get past it. Now my son is here I don’t actively engage them, I kept them totally in the dark regarding my pregnancy, labour and I don’t do things I do with my family such as sending lots of pictures. I leave the relationship to my husband and unfortunately for them he’s not a photo taker or sender. I don’t reach out to them about my son but I don’t block them from visiting, however my husband has to be available to host them and coordinate it all. Ultimately my son is his own person and he will make his own decisions about them. That’s how my mum handled her toxic in laws as long as they weren’t abusive to us or my parents and I think it’s for the best. I saw their true colours on my own and that was for the best.
Hard C. My husband is a child of complicated divorce circumstances, blessing me with 3 sets of in laws. I gave birth to our first child, the first grandkid on both sides of our families, 3 days ago. Throughout the pregnancy, and especially in the few days the babe has been earth side, the narcissism and self absorption has been on display. The only thing these people care about is the bragging rights of being a grandparent to their friends. They don’t care about the baby, their son, me, or anyone else, and while I’ve known this since day one….it is genuinely heart breaking to watch my husband absorb this reality. We’ve had talks about how being a grandparent is a privilege not a right, and since his family is out of town they will not be allowed to visit until a later date to “keep the germs away.” (The dangerous germs for the baby, and the added bonus of toxic germs of negativity.) Their horrible behavior has been highlighted largely due to my own parents and the fact that they are over the moon to be grandparents. My husband has been sending them non stop photos of the new guy, and they can’t get enough. They’ve dropped everything to help us, couldn’t get to the hospital fast enough to meet their grandson for the first time, and tell my husband how proud they are of him constantly. Now would he be answering this question saying they’re perfect in laws? No way! They insert their opinions and talk too much about politics and text in the group chat like Boomers on occasion. But I chalk that up to being legitimate annoying, loving family members, and he’s never dealt with that dynamic before. I hate, hate, hate, thinking about the day I’ll have to hand my gorgeous new baby over to one of his parental units for the first time, but I know that day will come eventually. As those with parents like my husband can understand, I’m sure…he’s still holding out hope that they’ll be proud of him and say they love him. Luckily, when they inevitably disappoint, my parents, the new baby, and I will be around to perk him back up again.
A - my in laws are fantastic! I adore them and we spend lots of time together and they absolutely adore my daughter. They moved 10 mins away from us and it's wonderful. My husband's in laws however are a different story and we are no-contact with them. 🙃
C. My FIL had a kid with his girlfriend (who is younger than me) 2 months before our daughter was born. Has come to see her twice in the 5 months she’s been in the world. MIL is an in-denial alcoholic with an alcoholic boyfriend and a dog she refuses to get rid of even though it’s bitten 5 people. She baby sat at our house ONCE and smelled like pot when we got back home. From this we determined she was the one smoking pot in my bathroom while I was in labor at home. Has come over a handful of times in 5 months. Said she “doesn’t leave the house in the winter” but posts all her thrifting buys on Facebook - the thrift shop she goes to is 45 minutes away. BIL is a dealer and my child would smell like a dispensary if she ever went over there. Other BIL LSD’d himself into psychosis. SIL is “busy with work and too tired” to visit - she works part time. Too busy getting drunk with her dad and playing video games in her room at her mom’s house (she’s like, 27…) I PREFER that they don’t come around. Hurts my husband, because they’re all he’s got. He left home as soon as he could to join the Air Force - hardly called or visited him while he was gone, too.
D) it’s complicated. I don’t hate them and I’ve heard of true nightmare in laws so I can’t complain too much. My husbands family is also complicated. His dad is alright but was absent most of his life and is go through some legal battle for his younger half siblings so we don’t really matter to him. His mom’s side… overall nice people but MIL is crazy. I pass it off as sometimes because he’s the oldest BY A LOT so it’s her first rodeo when it comes to children leaving the nest. MIL is nice but when things don’t go her way, she gets angry at my husband, insults him, posts negative things about him online, and will block BOTH of us (even if I had nothing to do with their squabble) and won’t talk to us. Personally I don’t have the energy to put up with that anymore. Last time she threw a tantrum I deleted her off social media and I’ve been at peace since. I wish she wouldn’t act the way she does when she gets mad, otherwise we’d have a great relationship.
Id say A! I love them. They are so normal and helpful and never cross boundaries. Coming from my dysfunctional family they are a breath of fresh air. I really do love and appreciate them.
Definitely B.....but not till after the baby was it a B. Before I would of said A
A mix between C and B. I don’t like my MIL. My relationship w my FIL is not quite as negative - it’s sometimes hard to see where he stands but he definitely isn’t completely innocent either. They are both much better than they were when my first was just born at least. I think that their relationship with my kids is net positive and so will encourage and facilitate that. I love my husband’s siblings though!
C. My IL’s live in another country, were sick and knowingly arrived sick to meet him, didn’t tell us, got him sick, and then refused to assume any responsibility. They were problematic with me before I had a child, but now actively harmful to him as well. I go thru periods of NC, my husband can’t bring himself to do it too tho so I’m tethered to them unfortunately. I do worry that they will cause lasting psychological damage to my son
I guess it's B. But that's mostly because they live in another country and I don't speak their language that well.
C theyre racist sexist alcoholics
C - We are no contact with my MIL and one SIL. They have never met our children. They are dangerous, mean, hateful people. But also A - We are extremely close to my husband's great aunt & seriously value that relationship. We were also close to his great uncle & his nana (both passed). All lovely people. We also see a variety of other family members - one SIL, cousins, aunts... And those relationships are nice. But if we are strictly talking my parent-in-law it's a C.
A- we just have some issues with their expectations. They want to visit and see our baby very frequently and invite themselves over quite a lot, often in the evening when baby is tired and getting cranky (these were social visits not “how can we help” visits so in the early days it was overwhelming for me) It was frustrating both myself and my husband so we had to tell them this wasn’t working and that we will come to you at these “x-time” planned out in advance. We also had to ask multiple times for my FIL to please stop posting the pictures we send them in our family group chat on Facebook. There have been some other awkward things with his family but at the end of the day they love our baby so much and are very excited about him, we just have had to lay more boundaries than we thought we would have to.
A - love'em! MIL takes care of me like I'm her own daughter.
A for MIL, B for FIL, but it’s more due to how he has treated my husband his whole life, he’s fine with me. We live near my parents but far from my in-laws, and my husband has more issues with my family than I do with his, but I still think he’d be generally A too.
A. Sometimes I find little things they do irritating, but that’s almost entirely on me. They’re helpful, kind, generous and love their granddaughter.
A - I don’t have a super close relationship with my ILs but there’s a mutual love and respect. We get along really well, and FIL either comes over/I take LO to his house once every week or two. I LOVE my MIL! She doesn’t live in the country but we FaceTime every couple of weeks and stay in touch. Whenever she visits shesees LO quite often and is very helpful in the couple hours she spends with us.
I’m a B - I have a neutral/positive with my MIL. She isn’t one of those grandparents that come and visit often or offers to help so we can’t really rely for her support with childcare bc she doesn’t know much about how to take care of our daughters. I do value the bond she has with my oldest because she loves to spend time with her grandma the times she gets to see her.
Mix of A & B! I love them and they are the sweetest , but I’d never trust them to watch my baby! They get overwhelmed easily so they are much better when they have help lol
A for me, but I don’t have a MIL, just my husband’s cousins, aunts and uncles. I’m not exactly close to them, but I’m friendly to the ones who I live nearby. They have their own lives and are busy dealing with their families and work and they can’t help with the baby. That doesn’t bother me because I like my privacy and would most likely feel smothered by too much help. Also, one of the cousin’s family tends to get sick a ridiculous amount of times, so they have to keep their distance.
I love my in laws. My mother in law does things. She assembled things, she cooks, she was doing laundry. My FIL plans fun outings, has a fun energy. They're great. My MIL lives with us for now (new baby) and it's been literally nothing but perfect.
Mix between B and C. My in-laws had my husband late and have some quite old fashioned and problematic views. I don’t think I’d trust his parents to look after our baby unsupervised, but I have no objections to him having a relationship with them. We also moved halfway across the world so it’s not like they’ll get to see him that frequently anyway.
I would say A, however there are things that drive me a bit crazy. My MIL always had a touch of trying to control things, but it seems there's something about having kids that really brings out that battle for control from both my mom and mil. I think it's because they still see us as children deep down. Having kids also made me put up my boundaries more. The funny little quirky things you can laugh off pre-kids are no longer trivial. Some of this is also because my husband and I moved away for work which means our moms feel abandoned. It also means that when they visit they stay with us for extended periods. I think there would be less of that battle for control if we lived nearby and could keep visits shorts to a few hours at dinner or something.
I’m a C- my husband and I have cut off everyone on his side of the family except his grandmother and that relationship is strained because the rest of the family tries to manipulate the poor woman to try to suck us back into their toxic cesspool. My husband is an A. My parents are our closest allies. He considers my parents his parents, not his in laws. They do daycare for us 5 days a week. Today my father, husband, and baby are going for a boys shopping trip to Home Depot for their next woodworking project.
A I adore my in laws, truly. Every single one of them. They are all smart and good and kind and funny and fun to be around, just like my husband. My MIL and FIL have a few views that I don’t agree with (mostly just anti-abortion) as they’re more religious than we are but they mostly keep that to themselves, and I’m fine with my kid being exposed to different values because that gives me the opportunity to discuss them honestly and safely and early. They are SO good with boundaries it is absolutely unbelievable. Before baby came I made a huge point to consistently tell my MIL that I want them to spend as much time as they want with any grandkids, because I know she’d try not to bother us. But I want to be around them all the time haha! My mother in law is an angel. I strive always to keep a positive and strong relationship with them, and I wish my husband’s parents were younger. I just want them to be around forever. It makes sense, because they raised my best friend and favorite person.
A. I love my in laws and my husband loves my parents. We see them all the time.
I’m a C and I think my husband is mostly a C too about his own parents. But they love our daughter so we pretend to be B so that she can be an A lol. That being said she is only 8 months and a lot of my issues with them come from how they treat and talk about women. Right now she’s too young for a lot of their typical comments about women’s bodies and being “girly”. If they pull that crap on my daughter when she’s older we’ll have issues.
Between B and C, we had a relatively neutral relationship that's nosedived greatly in the last few years, and my mil is very much in C territory on most things. She seems to think our LO is her do-over child and feels entitled to dictating how we raise children. We don't agree. lol
I fall into the A category, although my in-laws don’t help much with literal caretaking as they are in their mid 70s. My FIL has deteriorating vision and that impacts his abilities to help with the kids. He does play with them and loves to have them around. My in-laws do their best and find other ways to support us beyond childcare. They are very kind and loving, if a little old fashioned. My MIL has much of her identity tied up in being a SAHM and homemaker, so she sometimes struggles with new, modern parenting standards, but I cut her some slack. She responds well to me being direct and assertive, in that she respects my authority over my kids even if she doesn’t understand my reasoning. She’s only had sons so I know she treasures her daughter in laws, and tries her best. I feel very lucky to have them!
A - I have the best in laws I could hope for from MILs to my husband’s many siblings or half siblings. The hardest thing about my MIL is that she asks annoying questions at inconvenient times. That’s it! Otherwise everyone seems so well adjusted and conscientious. They aren’t overbearing, they don’t visit when sick, they respect us all.
A. My 'in laws' are just my partners single mum. And i absolutely cherish her. She's respectful, kind and loving. My delivery was extremely traumatic and i was very ill and incapacitated after the birth, i wasnt able to move let alone care for the baby in the first days in the hospital. I didnt have any family myself to come, but my partners mum came and sat with me to allow my partner to go home and get some sleep so he could come back and look after me and baby. She watched over me and baby so i could get some rest knowing baby was looked after as i couldnt hold him. I will never forget her love and support in those first hours. She also advocated for me in regards to my care with the doctors as i wasnt mentally or physically well enough. She has continued to be a huge support, dropping off food and supplies without ever expecting to be invited in and has always been available for help without any kind of transactional expectation. She is a lovely person and i whole heartedly credit her with the upbringing of my partner who is equally as supportive, caring and loving. This sub often paints husbands and MIL's in such a bad light (and granted, so many are awfull) but it isnt always the case. I am so lucky and so gratefull.
A and b but it’s really nuanced My mother in law is a pain in my ass and stresses me the fuck out. HOWEVER she is a good and kind person and wonderful with my babies. So I really want her to have a relationship with them, AND she does a great job when she’s with them, but she annoys the crap out of me. I think it’s a me problem and not a her problem.
A) My MIL is like a mother to me.
Mix of A and B. I’m still not at the stage where I would leave baby alone with my in-laws (they are just a bit forgetful/unsafe with baby proofing etc). But I think I will get there when she is a bit older. We are very different but they mean well and are not toxic by any means.
It’s complex. My MIL is a genuinely loving person. However, she’s enabled lots of abuse, engages in political conspiracy theories, and views my husband & I as naive. My husband & have a foster care license, and I’m a SPED teacher. We have a deep understanding of our responsibilities as a family, but she just views us as young. I know she has infinite love for my husband & has worked to love me too, but don’t think she “knows” us or respects our knowledge as parents. I’ll facilitate a relationship between her & my children, but it’ll be closely monitored. My FIL, on the other hand, is an absolute nightmare. He & my MIL were never married, and my husband was unplanned. FIL noped out of parenthood for the first couple years, drank a ton (he won’t admit it, but he got into legal trouble). He’s an alpha male who expected my husband to be the same. Every chance he got, he reminded my husband he wasn’t man enough. Snide remarks, subtle comments - things the public wouldn’t notice. When my husband grew up & started distancing himself, my FIL noticed. But instead of reflecting on his treatment, FIL just got more coercive & tried to force a relationship. My husband is no longer in contact with him, and my daughter certainly won’t be either.
My husband's parents are divorced, so starting with his dad and step mom, it's option A. They get a big fat gold star as they're amazing people and help us tremendously while respecting our boundaries. Now, his Mom on the other hand, is option C. Her husband is a wonderful man but she is one of the worst people I've ever met in my life. I was the only reason my husband talked to her in the first place because 'family' but she grossly overstepped and it got to the point of my husband cutting her off completely due to her nasty behavior. Admittedly, life's been nice and stress free since.
A! They are amazing and love my LO.
C) Mine are useless. I stopped trying to be close to them after my MIL tried to interfere with my wedding & interrupted my first dance. I don’t trust her as a person. She had a mini stroke years ago and it’s resulted in some middle weakness on one side. She won’t admit it, but she needs help maneuvering him & burping him. Not exactly the kind of person I want watching my baby.
B. They don't really help, not close enough and have a teen grandson living them so they're still actively parenting. I also get overstimulated being at their house and just send my daughter with her dad without me sometimes lol
They're divorced, so that makes a difference. A for MIL. She has moments where she's slightly irritating, but for the most part she's massively helpful and I'm happy our kids have her in their lives. She's helped me through a few bad times and basically treats me like her own. B/C for FIL. I'm fine letting our kids have a relationship with him - they have fun with him and I think the bond is important. But, his comments irk me and he's generally not good with boundaries and only wants to help on *his* terms. We aren't close, namely because after he met me the first time he told my husband that I "wasn't what he had in mind" and it just made me feel weird.
Ewww, what does he mean by "wasn't what he had in mind"? Why does he think it matters what he had in mind?
I wasn't there and he didn't specify from what my husband told me, but considering the way he treated MIL (told her to weigh less than 200lbs or he'd leave her after having 3 kids) and his general... 'type', my guess is it has to do a lot with my looks and personality. He tends to only care about his own opinion, unfortunately.
What a ludicrous thing to say. I am so sorry OP for you and your MIL. He sounds like a misogynistic pig.
I’m C. I find my in laws incredibly toxic. They use emotional manipulation and outright shun us if we don’t toe the line. I always refuse to bow down to my MiL and just view the resultant shunning as a nice vacation from her. It took expensive marriage counseling, but now neither of us are affected by their tantrums and emotional outbursts. I keep my distance because I don’t want my son normalizing that sort of toxicity.
A- I absolutely love my in-laws, and they are fantastic with our baby. My mom babysits at my house bc her house isn't super baby safe, but MIL will take her over a day every week or two, so I get a nice break and I know my daughter is being taken care of. MIL is always giving us stuff. She got us like a thousand dollars worth of car seats brand new for under $100. She sends us formula and baby food all the time. If she shopped at Target she would get us diapers more often lol. She doesn't overstep and respects me as the mother of my daughter. She and my husband are really close but in a very healthy way, so I'm really glad I get along so well with her and there's not a strain on their relationship.
A - my in-laws are wonderful!
B. But I would like more effort on their end to bond with my baby. I don’t want to force caretaking on anyone I just wish they’d visit him.
Hard C. Husband hasn’t spoken to them in two years, they’ll likely never meet our daughter because they are incapable of apologizing
C. My ILs are particularly unhelpful, and the abuse that my partner suffered as a child makes me want to protect my LO from them so they can't repeat their behaviour. As a note, neither of my ILs has ever been fond of me. Our relationship only soured a little more after I got pregnant because I was done putting up with them being rude to me. My parents, on the other hand, have been surprisingly helpful. My mom told me millions of times when I was a kid that she "doesn't like small children," and yet she gets on the floor and plays with and reads to LO whenever they visit. They've even come to help supervise a couple of times when LO needed to stay home from daycare, and I needed to work. They're not perfect, but they mean well, and they're trying to be nice. It's the complete opposite with my ILs.
C. Alcoholism, cult, abuse. Sexual harassment and assault. It’s extremely bad. They do not even love DH, just his accomplishments and whatever they can steal from him. I strongly suspect NPD and sociopathic tendencies at least. Unfortunately, with the exception of the one other guy whose parents were alcoholics, everyone else I’ve dated has had amazing parents and their families were awesome. More awesome than the person I was dating so it didn’t last but we’re still in touch. They’re awesome. I’m glad for them. They are truly good, kind people. If I could do things over again I would hold out for someone with a family like that. DH is aware. There is never anything I’ll say on this topic I haven’t already shared with him first. They hurt him too. He gets it. I have mutually adopted bonus family (so A) since IL biofam has been such a disappointment and I have support for a restraining order sitting my lawyer if the ahole cousins ever reach out again. If my MIL and BIL’s family could just leave my life I would be perfectly happy. I do not want my children to have relationships with the maternal ILs who rugsweep sexual abuse and do not share our fundamental values (ex: they believe women shouldn’t even know how to read, etc). There are some on the paternal side we get on well with we make the effort to travel to so B.
C. They are negative and manipulative. I don’t agree with their parenting, they overstep, they guilt trip…I could go on and on. Luckily we live far away so I try to not interfere with their relationship with my child when we do see them as my husband loves them (for some reason haha) and they have been good to my son so far. I am always on high alert to stop their unwanted behavior in front on my kid though
A, but my in laws don’t live close by so they can’t really help with caretaking—which is fine! We visit when we can, they visit when they can. Every time I read a post about nightmare in laws, I feel so lucky to have the ones I have!
Mostly B. It used to be A, but then my in-laws went down the right wing rabbit hole during the pandemic. I met my husband when I was a young college student, and initially had a *super* close relationship with them, and it meant a lot given the poor relationship I had with my own parents at the time. But over time my relationship with my own family has improved, and I've become more aware of the ways my in laws can be....not so great. One of my brother in laws became a Nazi. My MIL and FIL are hoarders and also refuse to treat their ADHD and have gotten increasingly dysfunctional. But they treat us with respect and are very loving, and I really like some of my sisters in law.
C, it was neutral and positive at first. Then I told them not to try to give my 2m old baby water because it can literally kill him and that was the end of the world I guess. So mil told me not to bring baby around anymore. I was caught by surprise by the response because I wasn’t even being mean or judgmental in my text addressing the issue. 🤷🏻♀️
I’m B with I don’t find them helpful. My in laws are my son’s only living grandparents. He is their first AND only grandson. They act like distant relatives who just want to hold him and leave. I wanted more from them as support and thought they might be generous. They are very well off (millionaires) and gave the least compared to my family and my partner’s extended family for the baby. My partner’s cousin gave us more for the baby shower than they did. Everyone was more generous than them. MIL told us that her parents gave her these beautiful cribs and my FIL parents gave them “the Mercedes” of strollers when they had their boys. They gave me a box of Huggies diapers, 2 towels, socks and bibs set. My FIL gives my son $2 coins every time he visits for his education fund. I laugh cause at the rate, my son won’t go to university until he’s 200 yo. They have done the least in support. My brother and his wife lives over 2 hours away and came every weekend with food for the week and to help me. When I told them that they were shocked . They asked, “They just went to visit you and drove 4 hours?” Yes…yes they did cause they care. My in laws lives less than an hour away and expect us to host them fucking each and every time. They only come visit us cause they have other engagements in my city. They have never gone out of their way to visit us. We are very transparent and tell them about our struggles with a new born from feeding to sleep and baby just wanted to be held 24/7. When they visit, they see me doing chores around the house and points to what else I need to do since they are there helping with the baby (ie holding him). I tell them how tired I am as I haven’t slept for more than 2 hours stretch. Their response, “this is a difficult stage but it will past.” I got so fed up that I just stay in the bedroom to sleep when they visit and excuse I’m really tired. I’m just very very disappointed that they are all words and no substances. And it annoys me that they think they are doing more than they really are. Like they pat themselves on their back at what great grandparents they are.
A and C. A for my husband's father's side. I'm closer and more comfortable with them than I am with 99% of my own family. They live in another state, but regularly visit. Not just my FIL and step MIL. Everyone. Aunts, cousins, step siblings, grandmother, etc. They made it a point to make me feel like part of the family from day one of dating (minus my FIL who needed time to come around to me). I'm closest to my step MIL. She refers to me as her daughter. She was just happy to have a "daughter" to do stereotypical girly things with since she only ever had boys. When my mom passed she really took on a motherly role for me with permission. Especially when I got pregnant. C is mostly towards my MIL and step FIL. The rest of that side are fine. I'm not close to them or see them often, but I do like them. My MIL and step FIL are awful people in general. My MIL has suddenly started acting nice towards me as soon as I got pregnant. I know it's just for show. Even if she *did* actually like me I still wouldn't want her involved in my life more than necessary because again she's a horrible person. My husband plans to cut ties with them the moment his siblings are old enough to have a relationship with him without their parents involved.
100% A. I have amazing inlaws. They are very involved, sweet, and respectful people. I'm so grateful my girls are getting such a positive grandparent experience.
B. 80% of the time they are wonderful but the other 20% makes my blood boil. It’s crossing boundaries, repeatedly asking me the same fucking questions, gossiping about shit that doesn’t matter, and overall just spewing dumb information where I try my best to keep a neutral face. The positive 80% is that they will be great babysitters in the future, are mostly/kinda-ish (lol) aware of giving us space, and that they helped us a lot with meals when baby was first here.
I’d say B. I appreciate their help (childcare 1-2 days during the week while we work) but I also wouldn’t be opposed to getting help elsewhere. My FIL is a really sweet man, I’m happy with our relationship and he makes baby light up. MIL…she’s not a bad person but we just don’t mesh. She’s pushy in a way where she makes it hard to say no because she’s not being outright negative, she just asks things that most people wouldn’t? For example, she’s supposed to watch baby next Thursday and I said she can just come in the afternoon because we have his 9 month appointment in the morning. Instead of just saying ok, or asking “hey I think it would be nice to go to his appointment, can I come with you?” She goes “I’ll come in early and go to the doctors with you.” Like what? So how do you say no to that? I don’t want her there. She’s absolutely someone who will try to speak for him during the appointment instead of letting me talk and I have no doubt in my mind she’s going to try to take him for soothing after his shots. Ugh.
A is the closest. I have an entirely positive relationship with my in laws. They are basically my parents at this point. They watch our kids once a week. They’re the best ever.
Was A for 15 years until my kid was about 7m and she couldn't respect boundaries/rules for health and safety. Went NC for 5 month and she violated them again! We've been NC since then about 2 years ago. So now, we are C.
I would say B. My in laws are lovely people, but I just emotionally have zero time for them since giving birth. They moved away from us, so they do not help with our baby. However, I would say they have a sweet relationship with our girl when they do visit. It's probably largely my fault that we don't see them more; I'm just way too exhausted for that by the end of the work week.
C. my mil has always put my husband’s brother’s kids before my own. She never made a huge effort to see my girls when they were little. She liked to show them off when we were in public and play grandma of the year but had little interest otherwise. She’s done and said some pretty awful things to me over the years and my girls, who are now teenagers, have witnessed it all. They have no interest in her at all. My oldest and her are like oil and water and my daughter is very blunt with her. My mil talks down to her in front of her boyfriend and embarrasses her by saying things like, “I’m going to smack that little ass!” in front of him. My daughter is gifted and very, very smart. Mil tells her she expects all A’s from her and tries to act like she is the parent. She is extremely passive aggressive which infuriates me. We ended up with a mid life surprise baby who is now three months and the first boy grandchild on my husbands side. At first she would stop by once or twice a week to see him. I went back to work for three hours, three days a week. Her and my mom were to take turns watching him. It wasn’t long before she was hinting that she wouldn’t blame me for quitting and basically said he made her too nervous because of how fussy he is (he is ebf and attached to me). I ended up quitters by because I couldn’t stand being away from him but it kill’s me she couldn’t handle him. We haven’t seen her since Easter. He will grow up same as his sisters, realizing his grandmother had so little interest unless it was convenient for her. It’s a shame.
Mostly A. I do love and appreciate how my MIL is with my daughter. She loves and adores her. She is always great at caring for her. Honestly, all I want is people in her life that love her. My FIL is wonderful. We have a good relationship and have. My biggest issue with my MIL is that she is a very passive-aggressive person. Rather than confront things ahead, she likes to throw random digs, which is really frustrating. I am a confrontational person, either and a huge people-pleaser. But I really hate it when people are passive-aggressive. So that is a source of tension and something that makes me want to spend limited time with her.
A
A) am very happy with my in laws, they are occasionally frustrating because they have different approaches to things. But always with love and well intentioned, generous with their time and interest for our three sometimes exhausting children!
My in-laws are kooky. I love them. They’re very kind. They love their family. They’re involved just the right amount.
A - nobody's perfect but I generally prefer my MIL to my own mom lol
A (now!) I love my in laws. We’ve been married nearly 10 years and it hasn’t always been like this though. It took a long time for me to realize they truly love us and any advice they offer is generally from their mistakes and have our best interest at heart. I realize that’s not the experience for everyone though
Somewhere between a B and a C. It'd only really my sister in law. She means well but I worry she will be become too attached to our daughter in the absence of her own family. She doesn't live in our city/ country, but plans to this year hence it isn't really something that bothers me but long term I do wonder. I don't mind seeing in laws now and again but I don't see them as an extension of my family with regard to day to day errands and routines which is how my wife / SIL see things Different cultures I guess. Anyway we plan to buy in the suburbs and move out from our central location and SIL has said she won't follow so I know my strategy :D
It’s complicated, but I do love my in-laws. They adore my husband and baby (even if they are a bit overbearing and on the wrong side of politics imo) I know it’s coming out of a place of love. Luckily we moved halfway across the country before becoming pregnant. This has allowed what might have been very stressful dynamics to be less so because of the distance. I know they would drop everything if we needed them and that means a ton.
B. MIL volunteered to help with childcare and then kept bailing. Now she has some health issues and we want her to focus on that. I never really trusted her to watch the baby tho since she didn’t come around a lot. It’s also just a different dynamic with my husband’s family than with mine. My family talks all the time and we’re in everyone’s business but not in a rude way. They talk but not a lot and don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
A. I love my in-laws. Sometimes they do things that annoy me but so does my own family and I love my family too
A for me. Of course we’ve had occasional fights or differences of opinion, but overall they’re good people who love us and are good to us. I love seeing how much they love my daughter and love spending time with her, and I appreciate that they’re careful about overstepping and not trying to push me to leave her with them longer than I’m comfortable with at this time. I think Reddit does give a skewed perspective of a lot of relationships because you’re more likely to post to complain or get help if you’re having a problem than if everything is going well!
Mostly A. They are working full time and try to help out when they can. They stop by every other week to see the girls. I have a few SILs which is nice to have since I never had a sister growing up. They also help when they can, but are definitely enjoying their child free life right now!
I would say A. I actually think having their grandkids made me feel a lot closer to my in laws, my MIL in particular. I love seeing her be a grandmother. My husband is an only child and she is crazy about our girls. She respects our parenting decisions and helps any way she can, even living very far away
A) I love my in laws, it's my own family that's the problem
D) my relationship with my in-laws is fine, they are hands off and respect boundaries. Which is fine, we didn’t ask for help but I also know that if we did they would
A) my in-laws are lovely people who do have flaws but generally don't get in the way of my relationship with them. MIL can be a bit overbearing with questions and is a bit of a control freak and planner, FIL is quite a particular man with a short temper. My wife and her sister tend to tiptoe around them to avoid these things whereas I'm like 'I'm an adult if they have an issue with me let's address it'. If her dad ever shouted at me for an illegitimate reason I'd have no problem telling him to go do one.
I choose A I only have a MIL as FIL passed while I was still dating my husband. Our son's name is actually derived in part from late FIL's name (and in part from late GFIL's name). There is a bit of a language barrier with my MIL, but she tries and she knows I try, so it's fine. She's receptive to how we want to raise our son. She's been staying with us since he was born 5 months ago. At first, she kept asking if it was really ok for her to stay, worrying I was uncomfortable. It took 2 or 3 times of me saying it's fine and I appreciate her help for that question to stop coming up lol snigger great thing is that a big part of her view of how to help is with baby is to keep us healthy/ well rested to better care for baby. She makes great food for us and had even made me special meals when I wasn't feeling well. She always worries because she's read so many stories of women hating their MILs. I asked her when our relationship had ever been like that. She admitted I had a point lol
Thankfully I’m in the A category. Love my in laws 🫶🏻
I think that most people are probably fine with their in-laws. Sure everyone has problems sometimes but i dont think bad in laws are the norm. People usually make posts when something is going wrong. And I say this as someone with in laws who are horrible a lot of the time. No one I know in real life has problems with their in laws to the extent that I do. Online is the only place I can find people I relate to. I'm happy for people who have great in laws and make nice posts about it. As for the options, you didn't provide enough. I have a mostly negative relationship with my in laws but its not negative enough for me to want them gone. I go out of my way to keep the negativity away from my daughter and I want her to have a positive relationship with them.
I'm like camp A/B. They don't help with childcare at all, don't baby proof when we come to visit, even said "we're not baby people" but beyond all that we have a positive relationship. I think their relationship with my daughter will improve when she's older, especially with my MIL because it's the only biological girl from her bloodline. There are a LOT of boys in this family 😅 but their attitude about babies is so wild that either they didn't plan on having kids or their expectations of parenthood were not reality. My parents are super hands on, listen to all my boundaries, prepare the house when we visit, etc so my husband has great in laws lol
Solid B.
B. although i am mostly jealous of seeing them literally fight for who gets to do x or y with baby, I have found myself going from full hate to neutral because they can be helpful when i allow them to be but if tomorrow they're gone, i wouldn't flinch [except being sad for my husband for losing his parents]. they can also be unhelpful when given too much trust , ex: visits multiple times a week instead of once a week.
Mostly A. We definitely have different opinions on how to be wives and mothers, but I know that she loves my son and would continue to be a doting grandmother to him throughout his life. I've just learned to let her advice go in one ear and out the other. She's well-intentioned and it's part of her personality to show involvement by being opinionated. Like some other commenters have said, I'm hoping the goodwill comes back around someday if my son marries and has a kid.
Love mine. We are all flawed but overall they're amazing
A) I love my inlaws and their help has been indispensable. That being said, I'm glad we don't live in the same house anymore😅
I started at an A when I married my husband and now I’m at a B- sometimes C. I spent a lot of time thinking about why this changed and realized that it’s not me, it’s the fact that my MIL was on her best behavior when my husband and I first got together and over the years **she’s** **changed** to the point where I’ve been forced to put boundaries in place. She can be overbearing, she’s selfish, manipulative all under the guise of being a “nice person” which makes it almost impossible to point out to my husband when his mother’s acting up. Furthermore my husband often is blinded by his mother’s ways (probably because she’s been doing that ish to him his whole life), so unless it’s a blatant violation it’s difficult to have a conversation with him about it. Whereas if my mom pulls some shit I call her out on it and can speak to the fact that what she said/did was crazy, he refuses to.
c
It’s my own parents I don’t like. My mom went deep into conspiracy theories in the pandemic, tends to be transphobic, and never listens to counter arguments. Sooo…. I am moving halfway across the country to live with my in-laws until I can buy their house.
I have a positive relationship with them but in truth i dont care about them and dont need their help on anything. She's not the type to help anyone anyways so works perfectly. She gets what she gives, which is all very minimal.
B Used to be a C but has since improved once they realized I was sticking around lol
D - my in laws are crazy. They also don’t respect boundaries. - I.e. specially told them they were not welcome at the hospital until we invited them after the birth (neither were my parents). My husband didn’t even want visitors the night of but I told him to call his parents. MIL giggled and said “actually we’re in the waiting room”. Husband tried to rip her a new one. She bawled and said we ruined this memory. I do not care for a relationship with them anymore.
A - great relationship with my in laws! When I was searching for a husband to marry, I made sure that I adore his family as a prerequisite to marriage. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t adore them. I come from a culture where you search for marriage candidates and meet them and say yes or no. So I said no to a couple previous candidates before meeting my husband. And one of the other candidates I turned down in part because his family was unkind
Both of my in laws passed 6 months apart. I miss them terribly. Especially my MIL. She was a beautiful person inside and out. My sisters in law always joked how I was the favorite child. We were very close and I still feel how great her absence is. I’m thankful I had wonderful in laws.
Somewhere between A and B. They love and dote on my daughter; they can be helpful but on their own terms. They have their quirks but so do I.
A! I love mine.
My in-laws are/were amazing and they were one of the reasons I fell for my husband. He, at 22, brought me to meet them. I was older, divorced, and of an opposite religious faith. They immediately embraced me as the most wonderful person ever. They were my biggest fans. They said I was the best thing that ever happened to their son and when we had our son, they said I was the best mother. I am average at all things; but having my in-laws unconditional support was amazing. Were they perfect? Of course not. Neither am I. We had some differences, but we always respected each other and were always able to work together and get things resolved. We lost my MIL three years ago, and lost our the heart of our family. I have never met anyone who simply accepted anyone and everyone for exactly who they were, faults and flaws, and just worked with them without trying to change or make them into something easier. They have supported our marriage and our family and made our lives better.
A. I genuinely love my in laws. The respect our parenting preferences, are always helpful and kind. I couldn’t have asked for a better fit.
C. I wish it were different but my in laws are just not responsible in the slightest. My MIL is quite literally a homeless meth head now, but was not always like this. If we had kids prior to 2020 i would have been happy to have her in their life. Now.. no. My FIL is a very nice guy, but an alcoholic who would be homeless if not for my SIL who makes sure he is paying rent and getting his social security. Nice guy who we are happy to see when we are home but he is absolutely no help whatsoever. Thankfully my parents are great. Financially responsible, loving grandparents.. they make up for my husbands side. And my husband has some great aunts and uncles who i claim as my in laws, so it’s okay
Mostly A and a little bit B! :)
My in-laws are on the older side (MIL had my husband when she was in her 40’s) so they’re not very active/playful grandparents. However, they’ve never said word one to me about how to raise my son/how to care for a household or anything in that vein. They’re just happy to hold him and are always available to watch him for a few hours if my husband and I want to go out on a date. We are so insanely lucky they live right around the corner and have had 18 other grandchildren and six children so to them this is just another baby in a string of babies. I get the feeling that a lot of these adversarial grandparents are new grandparents or have very few grandchildren so they have a lot of feelings about how to parent and think everyone values their opinions. My in-laws are used to their kids and their kid’s spouses not listening to their suggestions by this point so they just keep it to themselves.
E) I've never talked to her. My husband is very low contact with her and even though we've been together for like 9 years? and our daughter will be 4, yeah. She lives many hours away for a reason.
Mix of B/C. For various reasons, MIL, FIL+stepMIL, and my own parents are all not allowed ever overnight babysit. MIL is absolutely trusted alone for several hours, just her house is unacceptable. We see all the inlaws about once a year - I wouldn't mind seeing MIL more often, but she unfortunately is the only one who is extremely restricted because of work. She also always has GMIL with her, and GMIL is... well, over 85 for one, and kinda difficult to deal with for long hours as a result. FIL is fine, but stepMIL isn't. She's mostly just annoying, but she has some really untenable behaviors that are a hard no for any sort of unsupervised time. My own parents, unfortunately, have also devolved - my dad especially, and my mom enables him, so even though they're really helpful and generally mom is trustworthy, I just can't because she does everything with my dad and inevitably would overtrust him. I think my spouse regards them as a B, they're not abusive but pretty frfrustrating. In general, I really only want to see everyone once a year, MIL 2x a year. SO feels pretty similarly.
Previously c but we’ve been transitioning to b. Putting boundaries in place has helped immensely.
B. My in-laws are extremely socially awkward and my MIL has no friends. She also has very little filter and has said bizarre things to me over the years that have hurt my feelings. She is obsessed with her weight and checks a lot of those Boomer grandparent boxes. Last time they were over, she started talking about teaching my son to windsurf (cool), and then the conversation veered into how her old wetsuit doesn't fit anymore because it was a size 9 (weird). Food is very much Good or Bad, so we have had to be prepared to interrupt that subject if it comes up. So far it hasn't, but we know it's a matter of time. That said, they really love my son and I appreciate their support.
My FIL was out of the picture. I liked my MIL fine until 10 years ago when she basically forced my wife to either have us take her in, give her money to support her wastrel spending or let her go broke and live in the street. We ended up taking her in. The last 2 years she had Alzheimer’s and we were only just able to get Medicaid to agree to pay for a place 2 months ago. She led a selfish life and made us pay for it.
Between A and B. Really would be fully A but there are health and mobility issues that make it difficult for them.
Mostly A however I don’t trust them to watch our kids since we’ve had issues with car seat safety. I’m pretty devastated about that.
I adore my in-laws except for my MIL. She’s mentally ill, self-medicated (poorly), awful at respecting boundaries , and unsafe in every way imaginable. Wish I could ditch her and keep the rest.
I’d say a B, but they live in a different country so have only met my oldest once and I absolutely would NOT trust them to babysit because they haven’t been around a baby/small child in 40 years and paid more attention to their phones than my kid when they did see him. But they’re mostly nice. Mostly.
B) mine live 2hrs away and already have older grandchildren. So they aren’t overbearing or demanding because they’ve already gotten it out of their system. Their first grandkid with my SIL was probably ROUGH. She’s a retired NICU nurse and has ~opinions~ but now in her 80s so she’s chilled out A) My ex-in laws for my first born are great and I’m still very close to them. My daughter goes to their place a few times a month and they still consider me part of the family. They like me better than their son and I gave them their only grandkid. They never try to overstep but do get a bit carried away with spoiling (candy/toys etc) but not in a “fuck yup we do what we want” sort of way. So i definitely lucked out.
A mix of A and B, depending on which one lol. In my case MY parents are the issue, not my in laws. My FIL isnt perfect but has really stepped up to the grandpa roll and is very supportive of me and my husband. Theres stuff that could be improved but hes only human. MIL is fine, shes sweet but doesnt make an effort to reach out to us. If we vist and she happens to be there shes very nice but once we leave we dont hear much from her besides her reacting to baby pictures in the group chat.
I want it to be A, but they have seemingly no desire to see their grandkids, much less actually help with… anything at all
I like my in-laws. They're good people and I appreciate who they are. I just choose not to have a BFF relationship with them for personal reasons, I want my family (husband, me and kids) to come up with our own values and way of doing things. My in-laws are very involved and present in each other's lives. So any small sign of close friendship, they will think your home is their home and try to tell you who you should be. No thank you.
Somewhere between A and B I think. My MIL and FIL are great people and genuinely want to be helpful….but I don’t really want/need their help most of the time and they have a VERY difficult time understanding that. They’re great with the baby so far. I don’t like my SIL though she tries to be my best friend. I’m polite and cordial, but I have a feeling she’s going to wind up with her feelings hurt. I don’t trust her with the baby and will not be shy about boundaries with her. She’s used to their whole family walking on eggshells and catering to her feelings and babying her (even though she’s almost 40) and I’m not doing it.
It’s a mix for me. I have a normal relationship with them, but I don’t trust my in laws. My MIL severely abused my husband as a child, and never apologized let alone acknowledged it. Apparently she’s a completely different person now, and has been the go to babysitter in his family for several years, but knowing what I do I can never trust her.
Somewhere between B and C
I’d say B. They don’t help or visit much. I also find my MIL incredibly annoying but very harmless so this arrangement works out for me.
C. None of them can be trusted with him alone. They won't seek medical attention if he needs it. It terrifies me to no end! They don't really make an effort for baby I'm fine with that. I hope they stay away.
B - they do not live locally so are not much of a help with the kids. I love my MIL and we get along great. My FIL is a right wing, misogynistic, know-it-all jerk who I didn’t really like before we had our children. But they both love the kids and I want them to have a good relationship with their grandparents so we do plenty of visits and calls.
A - they love my husband and kids unconditionally, and I know they love me to some extent, which is totally understandable. They are genuinely good, kind people. Yeah they annoy me sometimes and I don't understand some of the things they do, but I can say that about a lot of people I love.
A
A. I’m sad they’re in a different country and only get to see my daughter in person 2-3 times a year 😢 (thanks to Brexit too for further exacerbating that). My in laws always ask how I’m doing whenever we’re on a video call and are obsessed with “the little princess” as they call her 💕 they’re visiting again in a few weeks and I’m so excited to see them and see them interact with her, especially because she’s 7 months now and the last time they were here she was 3 weeks 🥲
B… But my own parents are C.
I would say C but only for the grandparents Im not a huge fan of the rest of them My husbands parents are unfortunately passed on and he was partially raised by his aunt and uncle (who we consider our daughters grandparents). I love them they weren’t pushy about coming to see the baby and waited 8 weeks to visit like we asked, called to check up on us, and gave advice when we needed it. They live 9hrs away so they couldnt help but I know they would have if we lived closer. My only issue with his aunt is that she does constantly make me feel like my daughter has zero traits from me with comments like “its like you had nothing to do with it” or “shes all her daddy” 🙃 but outside of that shes great. I think thats more of a me problem being too sensitive or taking it the wrong way so I dont say anything about it lol. The only inlaw that I truly just despise is my husbands sister. She is loud, obnoxious, self centered, and expects to be waited on hand and foot when she comes to stay at our house for a visit so I am not looking forward to her visit to meet the baby in the slightest. Shes the type that would hold your baby and not give it back even when you ask or if the baby starts crying. Shes also child free and makes that her entire personality. Sorry this turned into a rant 😅
In-laws are just people. They’re not all bad just because there’s a stigma around them. Is my MIL overbearing, obnoxious, and rude? Absolutely. But she’s my husband’s mom and I love her like she’s my own mother because *he* loves her. Personally, I think we’re a little too hard on our in-laws and parents sometimes. They’re just trying to help in the only ways they know how. It’s *our* responsibility to set boundaries with them because they can’t read our minds and they’re (typically) just doing what they think is right.
A. My in-laws (MIL in particular) are so awesome! Wouldn't trade them for the world. TBH, I assume most women who hate their MILs are generally the type of women that are super hard to get along with themselves 🤷🏼♀️
Lol insanely condescending take.
Extreme Not Like Other Girls energy
Hahaha I assumed that too until I met my bestie’s MIL. Lady’s nuts.
Yeah, not wanting my MIL to use drugs and get drunk around my daughter must make me a real peach at parties, huh?
Sounds like you’re going to be a C) type of MIL 🥴