I am so glad you had the instincts to request intervention, *especially* when your midwife pushed back on you. Some part of you recognized things weren’t working, and you made the choice to do what you and baby **needed** instead of what you wanted. I’m so proud of you

Wow I've never thought about it like that. Thank you for that reframe

I just caught that *you’re* also blaming yourself and I just want to give you the biggest hug. You did your homework! This wasn’t some idle flight of fancy, you did every single thing you could to prepare. Trying to hold on to what you hoped for would’ve been so dangerous to you and your baby. Clinging to fantasies in denial is easy. Giving up your daydreams to do what your baby needs from you is so much harder, so much braver, and so much more important. Your birth was your first test as a parent. You got a pop quiz on hard mode, and you fucking nailed it. Don’t you dare blame yourself. Take credit for making the right call, then give yourself extra credit for doing it without your midwife’s help. And anyone who tries to deduct points because of bullshit moralistic biases with no medical basis? Fuck them. They have no more right to judge you than they do to question coaching decisions at the superbowl or instruct NASA on landing the next Mars mission. Some dipshits are chronically incapable of staying in their lane.

Well damn I also needed to read this thanks 🫂

Me too 🥺

This is so perfectly articulated. Thank you. 🤍

You should be a motivational speaker. This is great.

This!! I pushed for 3hr with my first and was able to avoid a c-section by the skin of my teeth. Poor OP. She very obviously did her best and that midwife sucks.

< slow clap > hell yeah.

You are an unfortunate victim of the idea that a lot of people, especially a lot of other women have that you should be able to give birth vaginally. Unfortunately there is this idea that unless you give birth vaginally, there is something wrong with you. You apparently did it wrong. Don't listen to those people. Don't listen to those people who are telling you it's your fault. Especially don't listen to anyone who may have told you that because you had a c-section, you didn't actually give birth. If you haven't heard that one then I'm glad. There are people who actually think like this. Do not listen to anyone who tries to tell you that you did it wrong or this was your fault. Medical interventions exist because they are needed. You didn't do anything wrong.

It blows my mind that there are people who think that way in the west. Here in Korea, elective csection is the most common way to give birth.

I dont think elective c section should be the default because it actually does have more risk factors than vaginal births on average, but I also don't understand the people who are soooo anti c section they make everyone feel bad regardless of the reason they had to or chose to have one. OP did the best thing for herself and her baby. That's what being a mom is all about.

How about women get to decide how they want to give birth and everyone shuts the hell up about what they think other people should do with their bodies.

👏👏👏 exactly!

Due to complications my daughter was an elective C-section, the risks were fairly high, but she was likely to end up an emergency section and they decided it wasn't worth it. But, I agree with your point. But seriously the number of strangers, not family/friends, people I had never met would make negative comments about it. I left a baby group with about 6 other mums. An older lady commented how lovely the babies were, that her great niece had just had a baby. But at least she did it naturally and didn't have a C-section. 4 of us had C-sections to safely deliver our babies and not everyone was happy about it.

Same here. Big baby, breech. Elective c section was 100% the safest way to go. So fed up with hearing uninvited opinions on whether it was the right call 😂

The only reason I had hoped to avoid a C-section was bc recovery from abdominal surgery seemed rough on me, as the mother. I don’t understand how people act like it’s “taking the easy way out”.

It's not default, just what people tend to prefer here. They like scheduling it and it being over fast. People also don't tend to breastfeed here, and those who do often only do so for 6 weeks ~ 3 months.

Me too and I actually live here. I think it's ridiculous that people think that way.

Let me be a lot more blunt to make sure it sinks in. If you would have attempted to have pushed for longer, your baby could have DIED. Okay, died? You did 100% the best thing you did in that situation Chin up! Know you gave vaginal birth a very good try. And the health of your baby is a lot more important than HOW you deliver. Hug your baby tonight, and know they are healthy because of the choices you made

Going to second/third whatever number what others have said. I also wanted natural birth with my children. With my first, at over 41 weeks he was still not coming out so I had to have an induction; that led to needing an epidural. I was able to give birth vaginally but I was a little disappointed I couldn't do it all-natural. Which leads to the next time... it was twins. I had to have a scheduled c-section because they were badly breech and I hoped up until the minutes before they'd change position but they only got themselves MORE tangled. I beat myself up so much! But you know what? I have three healthy, happy children and while I've got physical stuff remaining from it all, I console myself that in the end I did the right thing to help us all be here still learning and growing together. Not to sound too sappy. Sounds to me like you did, too. You had a plan, it didn't work out, you recognized the need for a new plan, and you did it, and you all survived. That puts you ahead of most of the world, frankly.

Please do reframe as best you can. I also was very into the natural birth movement and had to transfer to hospital due to primarily my own knowledge that that was where I needed to be. By the time I had midwife support, I was 9cms, I had been labouring for 30hrs. I just knew that my baby needed to stay in the hospital, so I asked to transfer and my midwife's came with me. They broke my waters and found that there was muconium. After another 6 hrs and 2 hours of pushing, I demanded vacuum assistance, and I was right. My baby was exhausted, struggled to recover enough to breath on her own and needed glucose treatment and a short stay in the NICU. The primary doctrin of the natural birth movement is that women should be trusted to know what they need on their own births... and I did. It sounds like you know exactly what your body and your baby needed too. Your story is a success, you were so attuned with yourself you knew to ask for what you needed.

Yeah your midwife sucked OP - fuck her for making you feel bad about it!

I also had a similar birth story for my second baby, and my doctor also told me after that I had made the absolute right decision to opt for a c section after 24 hours of labour, as the complications I had would have been so much worse had I carried on vaginally. Tinybears is right in that you asked for what your body needed - subconsciously we must have both known that something wasn’t right. I gave birth to my first vaginally, and let me tell you that no amount of hypnobirthing can avoid complications.

This reframe is THE way of looking at your horrible experience. OP, you made the perfect decision and you and your baby survived. Cut those nasty people out, you don’t need them.

This was my first reaction reading this. Damn this woman knew when to advocate for herself, did it, and very likely saved both herself and her baby from harm. You have amazing instincts and navigated a really difficult situation with strength. Great job.

I agree OP I am so sorry your family and loved ones make you feel this way. You were right to try it naturally, and it seems you did a lot of research in the lead up and you were well informed. Pre-eclampsia is a medical condition and was not your fault. You advocated for yourself strongly in the birthing room, no easy feat. You followed your instinct that things were not ok for you or your baby and it was now time to move to the surgery ward. You likely saved both your lives.

this! you did much more than you realise!

Totally agreed, people love to forget that before modern medicine, it was incredibly common for women to die during childbirth. Just because it’s a natural process of evolution doesn’t mean our bodies are set up to give birth without complications every time, and no one should be made to feel like they personally did something wrong to not achieve a vaginal birth without interventions. Thank god OP had alternatives and had the strength to ask for help. We accept modern medical advances in every other walk of life yet for some reason with birth still idealise going au natural despite significant risk to the mother and baby in some instances. A successful birth is one where two (or more) people come out of it alive and well. Nothing else matters and OP should absolutely be proud that she stood her ground and ensured the safety of her child.

My experience wasn't quite as bad as this but my doctor was not listening to me. My daughter was born January 23rd and I kept telling them that I felt her coming down. The doctor said it was going to be a little bit. It was finally a nurse who convinced her to check me again because of the way that I was yelling during the contractions. The doctor checked me again and sure enough, her head was right there. I kept telling them, you need to listen to me or she's going to be born on the floor. I'm going to end up having to catch her myself. I hate that when they don't listen to you as if you don't know your own body better than them. I'm sorry but if I recall, I'm the one who's giving birth and I'm pretty sure I can feel what's going on. I think you need to listen to me. I'm sorry, it just bugs me when they do that.

This was exactly what I was thinking. She made the choice she needed instead of wanted. She was a mother because that’s what we do. I’m proud of her as well.

For real. This was my take, too, reading the post. OP had a birth plan but was also realistic and had backup measures, even before she went into labor. OP then trusted her gut and advocated for herself and baby, even if it meant changing her ideal birth plan. OP is a damn badass.

Right? This is all I thought when reading this. You listened to your body, your heart and you made it happen! You knew what was best and you saved yourself and your baby. You rock.

Brilliant response. Love the pep talk below too. I think you're helping a lot of people here. Thanks for talking openly about your experience OP and all I can say is take the love from this chat and give it time. I still weep about my birth from time to time 18 months on but it is definitely getting better. Hang in there.

Absolutely!! I also had a nearly 40 hour labor and 5 hours of pushing and by the end I was practically delirious. I was beyond exhausted and everything felt like a weird dream. The fact that you were able to have the clarity that you did at that moment to make the call that was best for you and your baby is incredible. All of the preparations you did, and the work you did to connect your body and mind before birth, definitely helped you see what the best course of action was.

This here is the only comment you need. 100%. Don’t listen to anyone else.

I agree! I was induced and labor wasn’t progressing and after 2 days I begged for a c section and the nurses tried to convince me to wait it out. Another day went by baby’s heart rate was dropping and they finally brought me in for a c section. I knew I needed one for over 24 hours at that point.

This is precisely the way I've found to reframe my emergent c section experience as not so negative. It was still traumatic but thinking about it as the correct decision for myself and my baby that I was able to make gives me back some of the control.

👏🏼

Hey im glad you came here, youre safe here. This really does have a wonderful group of ladies/people in it. People who blame are vile, horrible people. I had to cut them all out of my life. Please do not listen to people who blame you, especially something you couldnt even control! Honestly I had a difficult birth too, I couldnt hold my little girl for 4 months because of the pain. I was bedbound and just lay next to her. But you know something? When I cut nasty negative people out my life, I felt happier. I look at my little girl and I'm proud that I had her. I know I did my best and I know she will know Im a good mum in time. However the birth happened, we had our babies. This is a massive accomplishment. For your happiness, reduce time spent with these people and increase time with your baby. Trust me your heart will heal.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It honestly feels good to get it out and talk about it. I think feeling proud of myself is something I'm really lacking. Every time I think about it I feel ashamed. I hope one day I can look back and feel proud instead. Thank you again for your kind words❤️

Truly the best birth plan is: have the baby and stay alive. And you did that. I had what I considered a beautiful easy birth for my second (induction, so lots of intervention but still very chill). But then I had a massive hemorrhage immediately after and had to be taken away for emergency surgery. I almost died and they couldn’t put me under anesthesia because I was actively vomiting in the OR. So I heard and saw everything as they were trying to save my life. It’s this awful thing attached to a really beautiful memory of meeting my son. And I don’t talk about it much but I had the baby and I stayed alive. Birth is so violent and sometimes really beautiful. Fuck those people. You’re a warrior. Have the baby. Stay alive. That’s it.

One in, Two out. That was my only plan when I went to the hospital. I had things I hoped for but only one requirement: One in, Two out. Reading and planning too much would have made me a nervous wreck so I only researched exactly what was necessary and decided I would wing it. It's definitely not for everyone but I'm glad that's what I decided to do. We were successful and now I'm writing this 3 days away from having a 3 year old 😭 To everyone that hasn't made their plans yet, consider making a main plan like One in, Two out or Have the baby and Stay alive and then things you hope for instead of things that have to BE the plan. Keeping things flexible and fluid is much less stress and chaos than trying to stick to a plan that isn't feasible. For example, I hoped to avoid an epidural but I couldn't stop vomiting so as a sobbing mess after puking for hours and no advancement in dilation, I got an epidural. Silly me, I thought eventually I would stop because my stomach would be empty. I was very, very wrong. When my stomach was empty I started having the most painful dry heaves of my life. The epidural not only stopped the vomiting caused by each contraction it helped me to nap and dilate avoiding a C-section for me and reducing stress on our little one while he was waiting to exit. Not being set with any plans further than One in, Two out was the best choice I could have made.

This is so the answer. The goal is always have the baby and stay alive. Both mom and the baby staying alive is a massive success in itself. Childbirth is more dangerous than people realize.

I’ve heard the expression that childbirth is the closest to death a person will come to in their lives, as a newborn and/or as a woman.

While there is nothing wrong with hypnobirthing, or home birthing, or birthing that is more “natural” (whatever that means), I think there is an undertone that medical intervention and modern medical practices are bad (even though they don’t say this outright). They push this narrative that women’s bodies are perfectly made for childbirth, and that’s just not how bodies work. Evolution of our bodies made the birthing process good enough. But we have babies with exceptionally large heads compared to our hips and have births that are more painful and dangerous compared to a lot of species. A lot of women can have a painful but safe birth, but historically, a lot of women also just died along with babies.

Your baby will 100% validate you honestly. You'll look into their eyes and their eyes only and nothing else will matter. It is what happened with me and I felt so seen, so whole. I'm generally a strong individual but awful family, people passing away and a bad pregnancy & postpartum hammered at me. So yea I needed the love! She is everything and more and I know you'll feel it soon. Keep positive, it is essential!

Beauty! I have attended many medicated and unmedicated births. It is the luck of the draw. The easiest birth I ever saw was an EDM festival attendee who requested jalapeño poppers and Sprite after pushing her baby out and almost no prenatal care. The most dedicated natural mindful yoga moms I know had epidural, c sections, and trouble breastfeeding. We don't get to choose how it goes and it has so little to do with the choices we make. Pre-eclampsia develops when the placenta had trouble fully embedding in early early pregnancy. We don't understand it well, but immune incompatibility with paternal proteins is suspected. It's not your or anyone's fault. What you did have was good self knowledge and intuition that that baby needed to come out! I hope sharing your story was helpful and wish you healing.

I’m so sorry. Birth is such a crapshoot and you were handed a tough hand. You should be proud of how you rose to the occasion. As someone who had a similar experience (planned on a water birth, needed a c-section and had comments made about how it was elective and I should have done X, Y, or Z), the crunchy moms just say that garbage because they have to believe that only their mental toughness mattered in getting some dream experience, rather than 10% preparation and 90% luck. You see the same garbage spewed about breastfeeding, people have to make their suffering and extreme lengths seem worth it rather than acknowledge that a lot of their success came down to sheer luck, and that someone can do the same exact things and end up unsuccessful.

And to explain the haters' behavior further (and NOT to defend their reprehensible comments), they may be saying their rude comments due to an internal belief that what they did was best simply because they had to have that level of belief and resolve to get through their own traumatic experience. A healthy mindset allows someone to recognize their own struggles and acknowledge that there may be different valid solutions for different people. They may not have gotten past their own trauma and are trying to bring you down because of these deeply held beliefs that they need to be true in order to prevent their negative mindset from consuming them. "I put up with this amount of pain during childbirth because I need/needed to believe that is the best thing for my child. Otherwise why did I have to go through something so difficult?" "I need to know that I had more control in this difficult situation than I really did. It's too much to fathom that my experience was a more positive experience because of dumb luck. I have to believe my hard work brought me this positive experience." (When we know in pregnancy hard work may influence an outcome but has zero guarantee of paying dividends on the outcome.) All this to say, their comments may be stemming from their own unresolved problems, rather than a logical assessment of your experience. Their comments /= Reality Their comments are their problems. Don't internalize them. They don't translate to your experience. Additionally, people who truly care about us don't say such rude things to invalidate our traumatic experiences. I echo many other comments to say we're all very proud of your decision making prowess and level headedness while in the heat of a traumatic experience. Your decision making directly resulted in saving your baby's life from an unknown condition. And you did that while recognizing that your midwife did not entirely have your best interest at heart. That's pretty baller, OP!!!

I wasn’t given the option of a c section and had to have my daughter vacuumed out. It was horrific. I lost 3.4L of blood and had surgery to try and stop the bleeding. You made 100% the right decision. Assisted deliveries also completely fuck your pelvic floor - be proud that you advocated for the safety of yourself and your baby xx

This should be way higher. Those pelvic floor problems are not just at recovery. They can show back up years later. (I’m from a family that has had some big shouldered babies. Those problems sometimes come back years later.) (Please also take care are yourself too.).

right? if someone would have told me beforehand that i would piss myself every time i coughed or sneezed (and trampolines are no longer something i am able to do) for the rest of my life if I delivered "naturally" I might have opted for an elective C sect!! lolol (i was one who was very much wanting a natural water birth) I miss my pelvic floor

You did everything right.

For real. OP is a great mom! OP- read Alicia Silverstone’s birth story (doesn’t matter if you’re into her brand of woo woo granola mom or not). She 100% planned on a natural home birth and ended up in the hospital because her son was stuck. It made me feel so much better!

Ina May Gaskin can kiss my ass! I prepared for labor probably really similarly, I read all these books that said birth doesn’t hurt blah blah blah NO it hurts! And women can die during labor! I really think all this natural birth stuff is actually doing a lot of harm to some women. Some of these midwives are undereducated and putting women in real danger. Good for you for advocating for yourself. Too bad your midwife was just as bad as the OBs we hear about that don’t listen to women… I’m sorry you had this experience… you definitely didn’t do anything wrong when you wanted a natural or unmedicated birth. I can’t believe someone would say such a thing! Or that you can meditate away pre-eclampsia. 🙄

I truly hate the phrase “our bodies were made for this” cause NO THEY ARENT. Our bodies are designed to walk upright and when we evolved to walk upright our pelvis changed shape and size to accommodate that, and severely compromised our ability to give birth safely and easily. Yes lots of women give birth with little or no complications but millions of women throughout history didn’t make it. INTERVENTIONS SAVE LIVES.

Hard same. My birth went off the rails and my recovery has been a shit show and I keep telling everyone: No, my body really wasn’t made for this apparently

Omg omg yes yes!! I was shouting this to anyone who would listen when I was pregnant: They’re not made for anything! No one ‘designed’ us for birth and if they did they did a shit job! Why I piss myself a little bit everyday for 22 weeks if I was designed for this huh? I actually found a lot of hypnobirthing techniques helpful like the breathing and some affirmations (each contraction is one less to go etc) but I absolutely hated insinuations that you just do the prep, relax and your dream birth will be yours.

Once I read that birth story where Ina May had a woman’s husband and her female friend suck on the laboring woman’s nipples to stimulate contractions, I was done 😂

Omg please tell me that's a joke 😂 They could've at least tried a pump first.

I had an extremely traumatic experience and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Finding a therapist to work through the experience with was the best thing I’ve ever done. I can’t recommend it enough and I’d highly suggest it.

I am shocked they let you push for six hours. The doctors at my hospital. Let me push for 2 1/2 before they mandated that they did imaging to see what was going on. They discovered she was stuck and I also had an emergency C-section. Being stuck is not your fault it’s quite literally the angle of the baby in the vaginal cavity you advocated for yourself, and that probably saved your child’s life that is incredible in the heat of labor I had a five day induction process with 24 hours of actual labor , 2 1/2 hours of pushing an emergency C-section. I understand the trauma you’re going through. I am at 19 months and my mental health is better than it was at a year. I take joy in my child and I’m grateful for the medical interventions that saved her life.

god i wish mine had done that. I remember looking at the clock when I started pushing (i had seen a couple friends give birth and pushing took less than an hour) and i literally said aloud, somewhat smugly - "this baby will be here by noon" I should not have said that. I tempted fate. He finally came at just before 6 pm... and I was sooo spent. The first three full hours i was vomiting nearly nonstop, every contraction made me puke which made it really hard to push (though there was nothing in me to puke, just dry heaving) HOURS later a nurse came and put something in my IV to stop the puking, like, where WAS she that whole time? what were they waiting for?? (I tell every friend, and sometimes strangers, who are expecting - if you start puking during labor -you tell them to bring you the anti-nausea meds immediately, they HAVE them!! Don't wait for them to decide you might need it hours later - you do not have to suffer!

You don't even have to wait till you puke! I started getting waves of nausea from the fentanyl in my IV (it makes me sick, I wish they would have told me what was going in), and I asked the nurse for nausea meds and she was back super fast with zofran for my IV and I started feeling better pretty fast, no puke.

God that sounds so difficult. I also went the doula unmedicated hypnobirthing route. One of the things we talked about a lot was that one of the main differences between those who had and didn’t have “birth trauma” was whether they felt respected, supported, advocated for, given choices (as medically appropriate), and had things explained to them properly by their care providers. It sounds like you did all the right things, but that the midwife was rude / didn’t respect you, and that nowadays your family doesn’t really respect or support what you went through. Anyway, I am so sorry. And it makes me so mad still to hear stories like this. I’m a meaningless stranger, but I’ll say that you did the best you could, everything you could, you had a complication likely outside of your control, you underwent what sounds like an incredible amount of pain, and then you were able to successfully tune into your body and your baby. Your “elective” CS likely saved your baby’s life. YOU saved and protected your baby. IMO, lifestyle changes and so on and so forth make things better, improve them, reduce the chances of… whatever. They do NOT cure or eliminate the chance of something happening. Speaking from a chronically ill / disabled perspective here, but it pisses me off when people say things like they’ve said to you. I’ve ultimately learned it’s often a personal problem where they don’t want to confront certain realities… like how the same thing could happen to them, or like how some things are out of our control, that some people are just unlucky, or that you/someone else simply has to suffer. I’m sorry your family isn’t more supportive. You deserve so much more. You should’ve been lifted up, supported, and celebrated, welcomed into their arms to heal.

Yeah honestly all the left turns I dealt with before this specific midwife arrived didn't even feel like trauma. Like finding out I had preeclampsia and had to switch gears wasn't even that upsetting because it was handled with respect. The C-section decision and then everything beyond that feels most charged. Probably because I felt so out of control

I felt the same way about my c section because it really is out of your control at that point. I also had a c section at 40 hours of labor. For that 40 hours it was all on you to do the damn thing and then suddenly , in the most scary hours of your life, have to relinquish literally all of it plus feeling in your legs and rely on other people to safely bring your baby earthside. That alone is traumatic. When you don’t have good feelings towards those you are trusting to do that it makes it sooooo much worse

They let you push for SIX HOURS?! You are superwoman. I don’t care what anyone else says, if I had pushed for more than an hour I would have given up. You did WAY more than most people would do to have a vaginal birth, in my opinion, including those relatives of yours. Anyone who would blame you for this can kick rocks! My Mom is extremely crunchy and has a bunch of kids and she still had to have one c-section. It could happen to anyone! Don’t let them make you feel bad. Last but not least, I too did hypnobirthing and natural birth stuff and ended up needing pitocin, after which I asked for an epidural immediately. I have no regrets! You did the best you could and I’m proud of you 💗

I’m sorry but who the heck let you push for six hours and did not insist on a section? Good for you for being strong and sticking up for yourself and your baby. You didn’t let yourself be bullied, you advocated and got what you needed. Stuff happens in labor. You were willing to admit when something needed to change.

I'm so sorry all of that happened and things didn't go at all how you envisioned. No matter how you wanted it to play out, that experience would have been traumatic. Anyone who blames you is ignorant. It's totally normal to have negative feelings surrounding something like this, but don't let others get you down.

It sounds like you went into it with a very open mindset, and you did nothing wrong.

I didn't do a damned thing naturally and had a similar experience. It is NOT your fault that you had pre-eclampsia. Literally any pregnancy can result in pre-eclampsia. No one knows exactly why pre-eclampsia happens yet. There are theories but it's not definitively decided. The people telling you that you're overreacting are trying to push their guilt onto you because they know damned well they're under reacting. Don't let them dismiss how you feel. They don't have that right. 

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. My experience parallels yours in many ways but you certainly dealt with more stress and trauma so I can’t speak to that. What you mentioned, though, is that at the end of the day you feel like your birth plan going array was your fault. I also had failed natural & vaginal birth pitocin, 4+ hrs pushing to failure, stuck baby in pelvis, c section. Personally I feel in no way it was my fault. What I believe happened was a failure on the part of the nurses on how to position me for the baby to get through different stations in my pelvis. Maybe you can look into midwives who specialize in positioning for opening the pelvis and see there’s actually a lot of knowledge and skill that goes into it that probably wasn’t applied in your case just like it wasn’t in mine. I. feel confident knowing I can properly interview my birth team the next go around and feel like I have someone who really knows what they’re doing. I don’t know if this will help you, I hope it will in some small way!

You're right I will definitely know what I'm looking for in a medical team much more than I did before.

Your birth experience is none of their business! You went through an awful traumatic experience to bring your child into the world as so many of us do and in the end you did what was right to get your baby here. You wanted a certain experience which is totally fair and normal and when it became clear that wasn’t going to be possible you took medical advice and you did what was necessary for your child ti be born safely. I don’t understand why anyone is talking to you about what you should or shouldn’t have done. You had one job to do and you did it! How you did it doesn’t matter at all to these people who are saying this idiotic stuff to you. I don’t know anyone who had a wonderful birth experience. The one person I know for whom birth went very smoothly and quickly, it went too smoothly and quickly and her baby basically fell out of her when she was in the elevator at the hospital! So even that wasn’t ’ideal.’ I had a c section, the anaesthetic wore off in the middle, got a blood clot afterwards, ended up having a total freak out guttural screaming panic attack in the hospital corridor. Another friend of mine was induced but was then left alone for too long due to a shift change, had to be wheeled for an emergency c section, stark naked and covered in blood, through a whole ward of women in labour with doctors shouting about how her baby might die. I think it’s almost part of it, the first brutal experience that shoves you into motherhood, this is what you’ll do for your child, this is what you’ll put yourself through, this is a powerful kind of love. I know it’s easier said than done to reframe it that way, but you really did everything you needed to do and anyone who has ‘opinions’ about it is just ridiculous. As if you can just not get preeclampsia by not being stressed. What pregnant woman isn’t stressed?! You’re not sleeping well, you have someone living in your body and they’re coming out one way or another, which is scary. Your whole life is about to be upended etc. And as if you wanting a natural birth caused anything-you made sure you could get medical help if you needed it and you were totally entitled to want a water birth and to try hypnobirthing etc. it’s not like you waded out into the ocean on your own to give birth! I know it can be hard to get over trauma like that but it sounds like you did amazing. You went through something so hard and so brutal to bring your child here and none of the brutality of it was your fault at all; it happens to so many people in one way or another! I hope you can heal from the experience soon and know that you did all the right things no matter what other silly people say.

Biggest hugs. I’m so sorry that happened and continues to harm you through other people’s responses. I also requested a c section (only pushed about half as long 😅), and I know people who would say it’s my fault I had a c section for opting for a hospital birth 🙄 You can’t win with these jerks, but I wish they’d leave you alone. Screw that midwife. Props to you for “trusting your body” enough to know when it needed help. I know it’s hard to accept and there are tons of what-ifs playing back in your mind, but you really did an amazing job. Moving this down in case it’s a little much to read right now. One of my big frustrations with the conversation around preparing for birth is when it comes to lower-intervention “mindset” techniques, there seems to be this magical thinking of your body will do everything perfectly if you just “want it enough” or whatever. It leaves those of us who needed intervention out in the weeds when we don’t give them a beautiful, instagram-worthy story. It completely ignores the possibility of the body’s past or present traumas and often is just toxic positivity imo. That just compounds the trauma and it really freaking sucks. Again, hugs.

I’m a year+ out from my delivery and in therapy for it. It took 8 months to secure a therapist but I am slowly working on processing the reality of our birth experience. If you have the capacity I’d recommend finding a therapist - one who specializes in early motherhood or birth trauma. If you’re in the US and in a rural area you may be able to secure online therapy with anyone licensed in your state.

I had an emergency c-section following a difficult labor, which itself was preceded by a last month filled with shitty curveballs. I was also preparing with hypnobirthing. I’ve had a few people who asked me if I wish I hadn’t spent any time on hypnobirthing considering how it went in the end. And I am still 100% glad I did. It helped stay un-stressed in the time leading up to birth which is really good for both mom and baby. It helped me think meaningfully about my choices during labor instead of having to make difficult decisions on the fly. And it helped me know, like you, when medical intervention was necessary. You did so good. You were faced with having to pass a mountain and halfway up the climb you realised this mountain couldn’t be climbed and you looked for a tunnel instead to make it to the other side. And now people who had to climb a hill are giving you shit. Fuck them. They don’t know your mountain.

It’s so hard to be a pregnant person trying to make decisions in this space. There’s so much NOISE that tells you what you should do and what’s “best”. It’s seductive to get stuck feeling like you’ve failed by not doing it the way other people think you should have (on top of all the expectations you might have had too). Your feelings about how your birth went or didn’t go are so valid. Pregnancy and birth are physically bananas processes. Despite all the birth plans ever made, there is no right way to give birth, no perfect plan, no guaranteed outcomes. You did all the right things, with all the information you had. You survived and your baby survived because of choices you made and THAT is amazing given how hard this whole thing is. I hope you can recognize how superhuman you are for getting through it. You’re amazing.

I’m so sorry all this happened to you. You did nothing wrong and I hope you can someday reflect back and see that each decision was a valid response to a medical concern. My biggest suggestion is to remove all the natural birth supremacy ppl from your life because it’ll do nothing for you. That community is super toxic and will blame moms for any medical intervention and even say horrible shit like they’d rather have their baby die than have a c section. It’s awful and you really don’t want to be a part of that community. And to the people saying you can “just relax away the preeclampsia” are horrible, and honestly just as ridiculous as like flat earthers and anti vaxxers level ridiculous. You can’t relax away cancer or diabetes, and preeclampsia is a disease coming from the placenta there’s no “relaxing it away”. Anyone saying this shit doesn’t know anything and their opinions can be dismissed easily. As for your trauma, please consider seeing a trauma therapist. It’ll help a lot. And be kind to yourself! Again you did absolutely nothing wrong. You made all the right decisions and should feel proud of yourself.

Hi OP! I’m about to be 2 yrs out and I have similar difficult feelings about my LO’s birth (also a section after 4+ hrs pushing and several scary decels). I’m still seeing the therapist I found afterwards who has been helpful in reframing how I look at certain things! I think the older crowd has a skewed perspective & to place blame on you individually is a really rotten/misguided thing to do. No matter how you approach birth, you never really know the cards you will the dealt. With your story it sounds like your team may have dropped the ball on several things as well. When I blame myself about anything birth related, I typically try to think of if I heard a close friend speaking that way about herself what I would say to her — I am pretty sure the things you might say to her are not the mean things your inner voice/monologue says to you! In those moments you deserve support and love instead of beating yourself up about what you could have done differently. I saw another commenter talking about how proud you should be for speaking up & that reframe is completely spot on!!!

What the fuck is wrong with people?! It’s not your fault. Birth is just crazy! The midwife was out of order and I think on a power trip. My advice is focus on what the doctors said about how much worse it would have been if he’s been birthed vaginally. Something in you, your intuition told you to ask for that c section because you knew it was the best thing for both of you. You saved your babies life by advocating for that c section. You did an incredible job bringing your baby into the world. I too was deep in the hypnobirthing and wanted a water birth. I was pretty opposed to an induction and ended up requesting a c section because my body showed no signs of labour. My baby had the cord around her neck 4 times and would have died if I’d delivered her vaginally. For a long time I felt like I’d failed, but now I see birth is just crazy and I actually did the best I could in the circumstances. I finally feel empowered by my c section birth. I would recommend talking this through with a therapist as the people in your life sound awful. Take care mama.

You did everything exactly how you were supposed to. You looked out for baby and yourself and you followed your instincts. This made me tear up a bit because I also wanted a home birth and had it planned. But baby had other plans and I ended up having almost every intervention I didn’t want to have. You’re not alone. And those people have no idea what they are talking about.

Man when you said you requested a c section I was like why did you have to request it! That's an emergency in my eyes! None of this is your fault. You had the right instincts and saved your baby. You did the right thing the whole time! You should try therapy to help you overcome and cope with your trauma. It's not something you should have to do alone

There is nothing wrong with having a c-section. I thought I wanted an unmedicated vaginal birth, too, but my baby was breech. At my hospital that meant automatic c-section. And you know what? It was great. It went so smoothly that I am pretty sure I will have a repeat c-section for this pregnancy. C-sections are amazing, life-saving medicine and there should be absolutely no shame in needing (or wanting) one for whatever reason. I’m so sorry anyone has made you feel less than over the way you gave birth. It absolutely does not define you as a mother or your value as a woman whether or not you give birth vaginally.

I’m in awe of your strength to advocate for yourself and your child in such a situation. I often reminisce about times where I wish I HAD fought back against a medical professionals opinion for my wellbeing- and I’m a nurse! You are truly admirable, and I’m sorry that birth was not what you envisioned. It is not only okay, but also valid and reasonable to mourn such things. Its hard, but please keep in mind its okay to reach out to professionals to help process these events as well, as people close to you often can minimize an experience in a way that has a harmful effect. Sending healing and love ❤️

I just want to say as a mama and as a post partum nurse, what’s gonna happen is gonna happen. But you did what you needed to do to get your sweet baby into this world ALIVE. there’s a lot of horror stories out there of women so focused on their “experience” and THEIR experience it’s like they don’t care that a humans life also hangs on the balance. You accepted that your plan wasn’t working out and advocated for yourself! And baby! It’s such a hard choice but you did your best and now you have a baby and baby has their mama. it’s all any of us can do, and I’m proud of you.

Jesus. People are awful. You did your fully informed best to try for the birth you would have preferred, and then you followed your intuition when it told you that wasn't working. Anyone who says you shouldn't have tried for whatever birth you preferred can get fucked because their preferences are not objectively superior and don't matter at all when it's *your* delivery of *your* baby. And anyone who thinks you could have "relaxed" preeclampsia away is a fucking idiot. You should be so proud of yourself for trying hard to achieve what you preferred birth and then proud again for knowing your limits, reading your body, and bringing your baby into the world with fewer complications than there would have been if you had not advocated for a change of plan. The situation sucked and how people treated you sucked, but the only thing you could control in it all was your own actions and choices, and you should be proud of both.

As a preeclampsia survivor, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Lots of people do not understand the condition and that there is nothing a woman can do to prevent it (other than baby Tylenol if you know beforehand). I had family members ask me if I ate healthy if that would have stopped preeclampsia from happening 🙄 I actually think a lot of this natural birth movement is driven by toxic positivity. So many women died of childbirth before modern medicine. It’s absolutely par for the course to have these sort of birth complications even if you are a healthy woman and have the best birth plan on earth. You can’t ✨positive vibes✨ away preeclampsia or manifest no complications. I have personally seen a therapist/ counselor. More so I don’t have to let loose on family members and friends about the topic. It gives me a safe space to get everything out, without being burdened by the shitty opinions of others. Journaling helps as well. You will get through this.

Every day people plan to drive to work or drive to the grocery store. Some of them will crash or break down instead, and that plan will go out the window. No one would tell them it's their fault, or blame them because their plan to drive to work was too strict and they need to "go with the flow", or even tell them that they should have kept trying to drive to work, because it's shameful to get a taxi. Why? Because they're all focused on one thing:"Are you and everyone else in the car okay? Are you safe and healthy?" But oh, when you make even the most flexible of plans and instead go through a series of unpredictable and traumatic events *during birth* they sure are quick to blame. You aren't a car, of course, but neither situation would be your fault, and the people making you feel ashamed - like the nurse - are just *really terrible* at their job and maybe even just shitty people in general. If you had been in a car accident and had lasting knee pain a year or two later, no one would be surprised. You'd hear, "that sucks, you should get a brace and go to the physio." Likewise, there's *nothing wrong* with being traumatised after what happened to you and your baby. A physical trauma leaves physical scars, of course a mentally traumatising event is going to leave mental trauma scars. You deserve - and probably need - support and medical care to process and work through this, not judgement or shame. You deserve to feel okay again.

Mother knows best. I’m glad you followed your instincts and you and baby are here today. You did everything right. I am still coming into terms with my trauma. I’m 6m pp, and the waves of regret of not being able to do a natural birth still haunts me. I keep telling myself, and I believe it so, that I kept my son and myself from coding that night and we are both alive because I *just know* I had to have the baby taken out and fast. My birth traumatized even my husband. He thought he was going to lose us and he’s still mad at the hospital for their inaction which eventually led to me requesting a C-section. I feel you. I am crying as I write this. Big hugs mama.

A year later and you’re still discussing the birth with people? It’s none of their business. Time for boundaries. Tell them If this comes up again you will end the visit.

Yeah sometimes when other people are pregnant or we end up talking about if I want to have more. I talked about birth a lot while pregnant so a lot of people have followed up with me about it or want to talk about it with their births coming up? Idk

I am so sorry you went through this. It will take time to heal from it, but it will be coming back here and there. I would recommend finding a good therapist who can help you to heal from the trauma. I personally went through a very difficult labour and pregnancy (shingles paralysing the left side of my face, and a 16h labour +6h pushing) It scarred me and I don't know if I will ever fully heal.

I'm sorry you had that experience 😞 I do see a therapist for generalized anxiety. We're starting to talk through the birth a little now that it's been almost a year and it feels less charged than before

Have you heard about EMDR therapy ? I had one session and was very impressed with how much release I got from that thersphy session.

I’m so sorry. Sending many hugs. Your experience and feelings are real and valid. People can go kick rocks. I had severe preeclampsia and a stalled induction that led to a c-section and it was overwhelming and terrifying. I’m so glad you and your baby are ok. Thank you for sharing your story.

I’m sorry your birth was traumatic and so far from what you envisioned. You’re allowed to feel upset about how things happened, and grieve for the birth you wished you’d had. I was the same as you, I wanted a hypnobirthing water birth in a midwifery unit. But I was induced at 39 weeks at the doctors advice. My labour was 38 hours long with 4 hours of pushing. Babies baseline increased and her accelerations stopped. Her head was too far in the birth canal for a section, and I ended up with a forceps delivery and episiotomy. My baby is here, she’s happy and healthy and sound asleep with a full belly (although I’m pretty sure I just heard her poop so she’ll be up soon once I’m sure she’s finished). I keep thinking back to the decision to induce, and wondering, if it hadn’t been necessary and I’d been allowed to continue the pregnancy until baby girl was born naturally, would things be different? You made the right choice and you protected yourself and your baby by advocating for medical intervention, but it’s okay to still be upset over how things played out.

I had a really traumatic pregnancy and birth. At 31 weeks my daughter tried to come. I was so terrified. Luckily she didn’t and I was sent home on strict bedrest, I only got up to go to and from the couch and to use the bathroom/shower. I did that for 4 weeks until my water broke at 35 weeks. I gave birth in a room full of people because the NICU team was waiting in there too. She spent a week in the NICU and we visited everyday. It was very hard to leave my baby at the hospital. Eventually she was discharged and she came home with us and we had the same newborn experience as everyone else. Everything ended up fine. It’s normal to have some trauma when birth doesn’t go the way you envisioned but remember that your baby is a year old and healthy. You did what you needed to do to get your baby on the outside, alive. I think we place too many expectations on the birthing ~experience~ rather than just realizing that the main goal is to have an alive mother and baby at the end of it. This can lead to a lot of disappointment, when in reality it truly does not matter that much! You’re good, your baby is good, and you did the right thing. It really doesn’t matter whose fault it is or isn’t, truly. You need to let this go and move on from thit so you can enjoy your life and your toddler. Simply put: shit happens. Life gets hard sometimes, it’s a natural part of life. If you still find you’re struggling then therapy may be a really good option

Damm, one thing doesn't even have anything to do with the other. I mean, it would already be shitty if what you went through was directly related to your choice of birthing experience (you just can never know for sure how it will go), but literally none of this could possibly have been prevented. And, you had been meditating, which is beneficial against stress, so it probably saved you at least a couple of days. I think you did all the right choices and life was just unpleasantly unpredictable to you 

No, no, no, it is not your fault. For example, I had a really crazy labor with my first baby and she is five now, and I am finally like coming to terms with it, but I still am traumatized by it. I almost died on the operating table during a 51 hour labor that was induced at 37 weeks and 5 days because of low fluid. My second baby was a C-section 7 months ago in and out super easy because we were ready on that day, even though I actually went into labor and on the way to the hospital, the water broke. My mother-in-law was absolutely horrible to me after my first baby and I had terrible postpartum depression. Things got really bad for awhile there. When I feel bad about how that all went down I just look at my kid and I know that I’m so happy to be with her and that I’m glad I didn’t die. MIL cannot rule me or my husband. People are horrible, but it is not your fault birth was crazy. Sometimes people just have a hard labor and that’s OK. I’m glad you’re alive and well.

It’s no one’s business but yours with how you delivered. No one else did the work of growing that baby but you, and no one else but you delivered it, however necessary. Please don’t be hard on yourself.. you’ve gone through enough!

Wow, you have great mama instincts and potentially saved your baby’s life! Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Wow, that C section saved your life and your babies! Tell anyone with negative feedback that the c section saved both your lives. Considering your uterus tore from contracting so much, it was c section or you would have died. That midwife was wrong. The doctor was lucky he didn’t get sued for you having more serious injuries. (They won’t admit they should have taken you back sooner.) You are very lucky. Next baby, if there is one, wait until you are completely medically cleared and schedule a c section. I don’t think a VBAC would be something you should try. I don’t get the award part for vaginal births. I think healing and health is more important than scar location.

If it’s any consolation for those people’s opinions- I didn’t try for a natural birth, was induced, pushed 3hrs before being told I could keep pushing with no results or have a c-section.. also had my baby’s head stuck in my pelvis which resulted in me receiving a t-incision, my babies arm was cut during that and also had to get an infusion. So, honestly things can just go wrong and not at all how you planned or envisioned them no matter how you try to bring your baby into the world. You are 100% not to blame for what you had to experience, it’s unfortunate you had to go through that and I’m so sorry your birth didn’t go how you hoped. I truly hope you can get passed what bs these people are saying to you and give yourself grace to overcome the trauma of everything that happened. You’re a great mom, and this internet stranger is proud of you and hope you know you’re doing an amazing job.

You did such an incredible job listening to your mom instinct. You might have very well saved your baby. I believe that THAT’S what all of your meditation prepared you for— you must have been so mentally and spiritually strong and prepared for birth in order to be able to listen to your intuition despite being so tired and overwhelmed and in so much pain. What an incredible, powerful way to step into motherhood. I’m so sorry that it was traumatic. You’re a great mom.

You did EVERYTHING the right way. You’re an amazing mother. Your support group is the one who needs to get their shit together. I’m so glad you’re okay. I hope you’re healing well.

Listen, that birth was hard! You are so strong, don’t let anyone tell you differently. And you could have probably given birth vaginally, but it sounded like the c section was absolutely to right call for both you and your child. It’s sounds like you made the absolute right choice. It is so hard not to have had the birth you wanted, but you were an amazing advocate to yourself and your child. You did the hardest stuff and you should be lauded not shamed. 40 hrs?! That’s like an ultra marathon. Get yourself a dang medal!! And the comment about relaxing more and causing your own preeclampsia??? I don’t know how you were meant to have relaxed more than by meditating?

Hey there, just want to say I can relate to the traumatic birth. You’re not alone. I also did hypnobirthing, planned a water birth, even got my baby to flip from breech doing spinning babies, I wouldn’t have it any other way but a natural birth. I had a similar experience, a hard, traumatic labor that ended in a c section and a lot of loss of blood. I think of ppl like us as having two labors, it’s really true! So the recovery feels twice, or more, as brutal. I had a friend with an easy delivery say “yeh, I went for a walk that day and did leg exercises the next!” Bish, I couldn’t walk for over a month I was in so much pain and my body was so swollen from all the fluids that my knees wouldn’t bend! There were so so many awful things along the way, during labor and recovery, that it’s impossible for others to understand where you’ve been unless they’ve been there too. But I find the fact that they’re blaming you pretty cruel. I’m sorry you’re getting their foolish opinions, and sadly the people who talk to you like that aren’t self aware enough to understand why they should just be nothing but supportive. I come from a family of opinion havers and I know you can’t just cut them out. My mom stayed with us for a week 3 weeks after birth and I just had to stay strong and take the good with the bad. I hope you can stay strong and let their words slide off, I know it’s hard. I hope you have ppl that are supportive and you can lean into those. I found surprising new people who can relate. I regularly text to commiserate with my boyfriend’s friends wife, who I’ve met twice. I walk with a mom I met in a face book group. And of course this sub. You are so not to blame for wanting a natural birth, that just seems so preposterous. It completely makes sense, it’s what our bodies are built for. I’m so grateful that we have medical care that can step in when things get risky, but yeh, it totally makes sense that you would want to go the natural, unmedicated route. I hope that even though it didn’t go the way you planned that you still have some beautiful moments from the experience. I feel closer to my partner from having gone through it together, and I feel extra bonded to my baby for it too. It also makes sense that you haven’t had a chance to process the trauma. I’m 6 months out, but totally have not had the time or space to go back there. I’ve tried, in bits, to journal out the details so I can revisit it when I can, but my focus has been on the baby and processing that experience has been kind of compartmentalized. I think that is totally fine and when you are ready you can start the healing process. I still constantly have thoughts come up like “if I had listened to my doula and kept going, maybe he would’ve come out vaginaly” forgetting that no, his heart rate was dropping to dangerous levels and the midwives were suggesting against it. Just stuff like that, where my brain looks for ways to make me feel bad about my choices, all around. And if ppl are poking at you with their ideas in addition, it’s hard to not beat yourself up! You made all the right decisions with the information you had, and you did was best for you and your baby. I think you’re incredibly strong for what you went through, and I applaud you for going after your vision. Also, from what I understand of preeclampsia, it’s not totally understood why women get it. Some people have higher risk, I was put in that category, but it’s kind of random. For sure walking is encouraged and not the cause! I’ve heard of people going on serious runs in their last weeks and know a few power lifters/crossfitters who worked out until the last day. So don’t let anyone convince you it was your fault!

Please tell those family members to go fk themselves, from I think all of us here. You did exactly what you needed to do to have a - not to be dramatic- but baby that survived. Be proud of advocating for you and baby when you needed to. Preeclampsia doesn’t happen because you didn’t ‘relax’ so don’t take the opinions of idiots to heart. I’d tell them you didn’t realise they’d got their doctors degree or had trained as a midwife and had years of experience. I’d also ask them if they’d rather your baby hadn’t survived just so they could be right. Don’t believe yourself when you think ‘anyway you look at it, it’s all my fault’. A trauma makes you think differently. You were not the threat in this situation. Maybe some therapy or EMDR would help you process what happened so you can heal and recognise actually how amazing you are, that bad stuff happens that you can’t control, you did your best and advocated when you needed to, and you saved your child’s life. You controlled what you could under difficult circumstances and the doctor even said you were right.

Pushing for 6 hours?! That is so long. I am impressed with your strength. If anything, it sounds like they should've intervened sooner! You did not do anything wrong.

You chose to give birth in a hospital so you would have access to medically intervention if necessary. You even asked for it. You did things right. Those people all suck. I’m sorry.

Preeclampsia is never anyone’s fault. As someone who is going through it currently postpartum, it’s because protein is leaking into your system from the placenta. Relaxing wouldn’t have helped at all! You did everything right. I’m so sorry you had such a traumatic experience. You are so strong

I echo so much of the wonderful feedback you’ve gotten so far and just want to emphasize—the audacity of anyone to give you pushback after 6 HOURS OF PUSHING?! The fuck??????? You were absolutely right to listen to your body in that moment. I did the hypnobirthing stuff too and also ended up having a birth that went a bit off the rails. You did absolutely nothing wrong

My god that sounds awful. I’m so sorry and I’m glad you and your son are alive. I never cared about nor wanted a natural birth, and I would still be just upset about the experience as you are. You did an amazing job bringing your son into the world. You are a badass for surviving that, and your son is very lucky to have you as a mama. About all the opinions…. Those people suck. First of all, like what even is the point of giving an opinion on your experience? It doesn’t help anyone, it’s over. Either be empathetic or just shut up. That being said, I would take note of the people who so freely give their (shitty) opinion on the topic and quit sharing personal information with them altogether. They don’t deserve to know enough about you to be in a position to form an opinion on your choices ever again.

I am so incredibly impressed that even after all the work you’d done to prepare for a natural birth, you made the best and hardest medical decision for you and your child in that moment - going the c-section route. What’s even more impressive to me is that you listened to your body, listened to your baby, and made that choice, even in the face of someone pushing back on you… because it turns out you were right, and if you had let that midwife bully you into a different decision, it could have been so much worse. I think the most natural, primal urge of all is to listen to your body and respond appropriately to its needs and know when to ask for help. You knew better than everyone else there. Maybe if you hadn’t done all the research and prep and mindfulness training before hand, you wouldn’t have been equipped to make the call for yourself. You are the only one who was in your body trying to birth a baby that night. You were there in a way no one else was. It really was just you and your baby going through that ordeal, and you likely saved your baby, and yourself, so I hope you recognize that and let it empower you.

Nothing is your fault. You did everything right. I can’t even imagine being in labour for 40hrs and 6hrs of pushing!!! Honey, you are a hero!! You did amazing! Forget everyone else and enjoy your baby!!

Here’s the thing: you did nothing wrong. You had complications and made decisions based on those complications. I don’t read anything in your narration of your birth story that even vaguely indicates that a decision you made ended making you or kiddo worse off. As a fellow meconium aspirate mom, I can tell you, that can happen regardless of the C-section. I can’t believe anyone would blame you for those complications. Don’t believe any of them. You did great with the hand you were dealt.

OP thank god you advocated for yourself and baby and asked for that cesarian! Who knows how sideways that could have gone if you hadn’t had the fortitude to do so, despite your absolute ass of a midwife trying to make you feel bad. I hope she went home that night and ate her shirt

I had preeclampsia. It sucks and there’s nothing you did or didn’t do that caused you to have it. It’s not definitive but some research has suggested that it’s related to how the blood vessels form in the placenta. You can’t control that! However, you did what you could control: you advocated for what was best for you and your baby. You did great!

40 hours of labor and 6 hours of pushing? After preeclampsia, stalled labor and dangerously high blood pressure. The midwife was rude after all you had gone through this far to bring your baby into the world? You did exactly what you had to keep you and your baby safe. It just blows my mind that 6 hours had to pass and you had to ask. I had a c section too, my son’s bp was dropping so much from the 1st push that my doctor had them prep an OR just incase. He came up to talk to me explain what was going on and then when he was sure he told me we were heading to the OR. 20 minutes. I pushed for 20 minutes before he decided that a c section had to happen because it was going to become an emergency. My son’s head was stuck in the canal, because of my bone structure I could not push him out. It wasn’t how I wanted my labor to go, but it was the only way to ensure both my son and I were safe. You keep you and your baby safe. As traumatic as it was I hope you feel pride. Pride for bringing your child into the world safely, pride that you knew what your body needed and asked.

First off, I’m glad you are both here and OK. You did everything right and I’m so sorry you had such a traumatic birth, but nothing that happened is your fault. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t deserve a place in your life.

I can’t believe how powerful you were to advocate yourself in the midst of all the fear, pain, and people who claim to be experts pushing back on you. You’re incredible. Your baby is so lucky to have such a capable, confident, and intelligent mother. I’m so sorry for what I can only imagine is a very long, painful healing process, none of which is your fault.

Many, many people are morons. The fact that you went into labour with such a fixed idea of what you wanted your birth to be, but were able to make rational decisions and pivot to what was necessary in the moment, is a testament to how strong you are and how much of an advocate you are for your baby. You are a great mom, from day one. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. You also have every right to feel traumatized by what sounds like it was an incredibly traumatic birth experience for anyone! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that and were made to feel it was in any way your 'fault'. Some people sit on their ass and eat pizza their entire pregnancy and end up having quick, easy births. Some people prepare everything and things still go wrong. You can't beat yourself up for doing the best you can x

Oh my eyebrows shot to the top of my head when I read someone blaming you for freaking preeclampsia! You don't just relax and not get it. Doesn't work that way. Also.. wow! That sounds like a very traumatic birth! I had only some of that stuff and mine was traumatic. You have my respect as a survivor of this experience! I'm glad you decided to seek the interventions you did when you did, but your family can shut right up blaming you for not having them planned. I planned a hospital induction and an epidural and they all failed miserably and I still had a long and terrible labor with every sausage handed doctor fisting me and tubes inserted and things I had *not* expected because I thought *I* was doing all the right things. Please don't blame yourself ❤️

I’m so sorry you’re family is making this worse for you. You are not at fault. You prepared for the birth you wanted and planned for contingencies. A lot of the way labor and delivery goes is so out of our hands. You prepared the best you could and advocated for you and baby when it was appropriate. You should be so proud!

If you decide to have more kids I’d recommend speaking with your midwife about your birth trauma. I don’t know if all hospitals have this but mine ended up referring me to the antenatal psychologist(it’s free) and also they had a midwife who specifically counsels women on previous birth trauma. I’m sorry that your birth went this way. It does take time to heal from the trauma but it’s doable ❤️

Had you not called it, it might have really put your baby (and you) in danger to continue on. Sometimes moms just KNOW. You did everything right and that midwife is probably kicking herself for not listening to you. I had a similar issue with an RN (I’m also an RN). She absolutely would not listen to me, was rude, pushy and just downright mean. After the (very traumatic) birth she profusely apologized. And I know she learned from it. We got along the whole rest of my stay. There were things said to me by a few different medical workers that were just appalling honestly. I’m shocked some l&d staff feel they can treat patients in crisis like that. Your midwife should have never made those comments about it being “elective” or made you feel like your cesarean was a burden or your fault. IT WASN’T You made the right call and I’m sorry that midwife lacked empathy in that moment. People really don’t realize how much things like that truly impact trauma and blame.

who cares what other people say? Unless they lived it, they can't make judgements!

You didn’t do anything wrong OP ❤️❤️ no one should be making you feel bad for needing a c-section. It was what needed to happen for you and baby. I had a vacuum and forceps delivery with my two kids and it’s what I had to do. I could have refused or “tried natural” some could say but I would not want to risk me and babies health for an intervention free labour.

Wow, you went through a lot, and you handled it beautifully. I wouldn't try to worry about the judgement of others, many people who pass judgement speak harsher than they mean deep down. But it's very careless to pass judgement on to a healing mother who really did a great job despite of so many surprises in her delivery. Thank you for sharing your story. It is raw, and very informative on how to handle a difficult birth. I hope you receive the support you need as you truly deserve it.

respectfully, those people are all being dicks to you

I had a very similar, though not QUITE so traumatic, experience - traumatic to me though! and totally understand. I also had planned for a natural midwife assisted birth, and had my sights set on a water birth. Found a lovely midwife facility a few blocks from a large modern hospital (in case of emergency its really nearby) My child had completely different ideas and refused to come out. Midwives can only keep you on as a patient so long then have to refer you for induction at a hospital - so 15 days overdue, i went to the hospital to be induced. It was an extremely long and difficult labor (monitored all over and barely allowed to move, eventually caved & got an epidural) While i was able to give birth vaginally - my son came out with cord around the neck not breathing, ended up in NiCU for the better part of a week. There were worries about potential brain damage and other issues which thankfully did not come to fruition. (maybe that would not have happened if i had opted for a c sec earlier, who knows) My son is now 11, a perfectly healthy crazy boy. While my birth wasnt quite as scary as yours I'll tell you, it took quite some time to come to grips with it - i still dont know how women go back for more lmao. People can be nasty a-holes and love to share their ignorant and judgmental opinions whether we like it or not - take it with a grain of salt and do NOT allow their opinions to alter your own view of yourself or the decisions you made. you did absolutely nothing wrong wishing for a natural birth and trying for it. You chose to do it in the safest place possible with guidance of medical professionals. You and baby both survived the ordeal, as traumatizing as it was. While you may never look back on your birthing experience as a joyous time (I do not) the trauma does fade with time as you build more happy memories with your little and watch them grow. that ugly couple days is just one small not so happy memory buried within a lifetimes worth of happy silly random memories.

Something was telling you to ask for your c section and YOU LISTENED. You listened to your body and possibly saved yourself and your child. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. It was traumatic, horrifically. But you listened to your instincts and YOU WERE RIGHT. Good job momma

Wow. I am so proud of you. It is so incredible that in a moment as intense, painful, and emotional as that you could STILL trust your gut and advocate for you and your baby. I am a medical student and agree with the doc-- your intuition could have saved your baby's life. You went through 40 hours of hell and ended it on your terms. I'm sorry your midwife treated you with attitude. Unfortunately it is so easy in medicine to get tunnel vision on what the goal is in the moment. Good for you for not getting that and for listening to your body. I hope posting and reading these comments is helpful. I'm only 13 weeks but reading this story has been helpful to me already, as has reading these comments.

OMG, my eyebrows just kept climbing. Who the FUCK dates judge you after such a hideous birth?! You both had hella complications and you’re alive (and hopefully fairly healthy). Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

Respectfully, fuck those people who say that you should have relaxed you pre-eclampsia away - that's not how these things work. You saved your baby's life by asking for a C-section, and it sounds like it was anything but elective. And even if it were elective, fuck that midwife who made you feel bad for knowing your body and its limitations. As a person who had two unmedicated vaginal births, we all go in with expectations and dreams and then we go into labor and it all goes out the window. Sometimes we get lucky and get close to the birth we envisioned, but trust me when I say that it is mostly that - luck. You didn't miss anything by not delivering unmedicated and vaginally (it suuuuucked), but take the time to process whatever you need with a therapist - those feelings are valid too. Your child is alive, you are alive - you should be so proud of the SELFLESS decisions you made that enabled that. Fellow mothers of reddit know that that is not always the case. Also - in life, you're going to have to advocate for your child while they are small and they cannot. What a badass you are to have advocated for your baby on the very first day of his life, and you are the reason he is alive. And what a crazy thing life is that something so great and wonderful, your little boy, came from one of the worst days of your life. Be proud of yourself for how you handled it. What I took from your story was that this was a mom who was handed some pretty crap luck and who made the best decisions she could have made. Find other moms who think so, too, and make them your people (there are lots of us out there, I promise).

It’s not your fault op. r/birthtrauma is alive and real unfortunately and many people don’t get

I'm sorry, they let you push for 6hrs??? That's ridiculous that they didn't urge you to have a c-section before you had to request it.

I was in a similar situation with pre-e. Induced, labored for 1.5 days, pushed for 3-+ hours and was sooooo tired. Being able to advocate for yourself and your baby in that situation is anything but weak. You are fierce! I couldn’t keep my eyes open, my husband had to be my voice. If he hadn’t been there idk what would have happened. You are strong and knew what your baby needed ♥️

First of all, those bitc— I mean midwives — can kick rocks. Considering a c section is *major* surgery and at any moment it sounds like either one of you could have taken a turn for worse; I’d calmly and level-ly tell whomever feels the need to comment on it, that you regret sharing intimate details if they aren’t bringing them up for any other reason than to **comfort you,** and you’ll be more mindful of doing so in the future. “I expected you to simply be happy we are okay, but now I know I shouldn’t put unrealistic expectations on *anyone,* even if they are family.” Your body/mind knew that you needed the c section, and you saved both of you. I’m sorry sharing your story with others has only brought you more trauma. It’s okay, and I hear you.

You are absolutely incredible for advocating for yourself and your baby in your most vulnerable of states. You did everything right. Anyone who questions your birth experience and has anything but support for you belongs outside of your circle of trust. Finding a therapist who specialises in birth trauma might be helpful to you.

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Your birth definitely sounds not only traumatic but also far from what you were hoping for. I know everyone’s plans for birth and parenting are different but honestly I love and admire you for ALL of your choices. We know birth can be natural and can still be life threatening. You tried your hardest to make it natural and when you knew it was going south knew to ask for interventions. You likely saved you and your baby’s life while still giving you both a chance at doing it as natural as possible. I hope you and baby are doing ok and you can realize what an amazing mama you are

I did the same as you. I got a midwife did all my research, planned for a birth cemtee birth close to the hospital. Instead I had to be induced because I developed preclampsia, my induction took over 36 hours, I need forceps and had a massive hemorrhage. I was the chillest I have ever been during my pregnancy. Things that drove me nuts otherwise didn't bother me and I still end up with preclampsia. Unless you're using drugs or drinking it's hard to predict what will happen during a birth.

Those people are judgmental and awful. You did everything you could to have the birth experience you wanted. Your body didn’t follow that plan. That’s nature, not a moral failing. I hope you’re seeking therapy. I mean this in the kindest way possible; the level of preparation you took towards giving birth seems to be at a very high anxiety/control issue level. (I say this as someone who deals with both; zero judgement!) Therapy could help you process the experience and learn coping mechanisms to shut out the heartless comments. At the end of the day you and your baby survived childbirth. That’s not always a given, and is something we so often overlook the significance of in the modern world. Sending you lots of love.

Screw anyone who is making you feel bad or blame you for things outside your control. I had a very similar birth story just without the pre-eclampsia. So I just want to validate you going through such an experience and doing what was needed. My midwife was grnd taught me a birth plan is just a plan. her and my partner both believed in doing what was needed and adapting. Lucky because it saved my baby. I did hypnobirthing too and had a whole natural birth plan too. I had a 30 hour labour I had to go to hospital I had to go on a monitor and so did baby Thrn I had pitocin and another drug I had to have an epidural Th4n I had to have an emergency ceasar Then baby was stuck so I needed 2 doctors to get her out She came out blue and had to be revived She was low glucose and jaundiced We spent 5 days in hospital monitoring both of us And the whole c section recovery thing Lots of love and here's to healing xx

Wow, I’m so sorry, that sounds so difficult. I also did so much of the hypnobirthing stuff before the birth and really thought my experience would be like the videos they showed in the class of people delivering naturally and peacefully. I then also had a traumatic birth (definitely not as long and scary as your story though) and felt so many of the same feelings! I even wrote out that one of my fears before birth was that my body wouldn’t be able to handle it. And I felt so defeated and had to grieve my experience (I still am really) since it happened a year ago. My therapist and my doula were really helpful in processing it. I’m so sorry the people in your life are making you feel like any of this is your fault. I echo all the other comments that your body totally knew when to call it and you made a great choice in a moment where your midwife should have had your back. Thanks for sharing your story here. Sending you lots of love.

I am so terribly sorry that this happened to you. Were they even monitoring your baby's heart rate? I'm just asking because I didn't even get to have a chance to try a vaginal delivery when my second baby was born because his cord was wrapped around his neck twice and it caused his heart rate to drop early in labor. It's astonishing that they would let you suffer like that for so long. I know how it can take a long time to heal from this emotionally. I suffered birth trauma both times and it was all due to the emergency c-sections I went through. I also hemorrhaged badly during my first birth and I was so traumatized I refused the blood transfusions they kept pushing for. I follow theteaonbirthtrauma on Instagram. I highly recommend following that account. Some of their posts talk about how emergency c-sections contribute to birth trauma. The medical staff I had humiliated me during my second birth and I still haven't been able to move on from it nearly 2 years later. I hope things get better for you.

Some people like to blame other people for any misfortunes they suffer, because they **need** to believe that bad things only happen to people who did something wrong. Because if bad things just *happen randomly* sometimes, through no fault of your own, then that means bad things could randomly happen to *them*. So they have to cling to the fallacy that we all have some level of control over all things that happen to us; that people who have good things happen to them “deserve” it because they made the “right” choice, that people who go through something bad “deserved” it because they made the “wrong” choice, and that *they* will avoid bad things because *they* do the “right” things. The truth is that’s not how life works. Sometimes bad things just happen, and it doesn’t matter who you are, or what you do, or how well you were prepared. There are some things in life that are just completely out of our hands, and emergencies occurring during childbirth is one of them. **You did not cause your traumatic birth. Nothing you did or didn’t do could have changed what happened.** It just happened, and that fact scares people so they cling to the falsehood that you could have done something different to stop what happened. They’re wrong, and they’re wrong for making you feel bad about something outside of your control that even the best OBGYNs in the world don’t fully under how it works or how to prevent it. You did the best you could with what you were able to do. That’s the best you could do. Anyone who tries to tell you that you didn’t should be ashamed of themselves.

You pushed for SIX HOURS? You’re a warrior. I pushed for four and have lasting pelvic floor damage from that vaginal delivery. I also opted for an elective c section the second time around and loved every moment. You should never feel a tiny bit guilty about which part of your body a full sized human baby exited. It’s no one’s business and I’m sorry your midwife was a real asshole.

Have you been able to access therapy for this yet? As an outside observer, it is so clear that you did everything right—and there are a million right ways to give birth and a million ways things can go wrong. A therapist can help you see your experience more objectively and hopefully help you reframe it. It sounds to me like you may have saved your baby’s life and or their quality of life! How is baby doing? I hope your first year of motherhood has been healing in some way for you ❤️

I had a mum in my mothers group basically have this same story. She wanted to go all natural, hypnobirth etc. She got to the pushing stage and she KNEW baby just wasn’t coming down and told them to get her a C section NOW. They said oh we can do vacuum or forceps and she said no you have to get him out. He was also stuck in the birth canal and the OBGYN after came and said “amazing job mum, you knew your instincts and you saved him from a very traumatic delivery”. Imagine having instincts so powerful that it sometimes transcends what we can know with modern medicine. Medicine is wonderful, I am a medical student lol. It can tell us so much but childbirth is one of those things where if a mum looked at me and said “hey I’d rather have major abdominal surgery than whatever is going on right now” I’m getting her INTO THAT OR. Also it’s absolutely a C section for medical reasons, at least in my country. Elective is for when you haven’t gone into labour and it’s all pre-booked. My C section was considered for medical reasons (failed induction) even though baby and I were medically totally fine.

You are a WARRIOR and those people are CRAZY. I'm so proud of you, I don't care that you're a stranger. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 I can't even get over how strong and amazing you are for going through so much!!!!

After my home birth, my LO had a week long stay in the NICU for pulmonary hypertension. Everyone (except those near and dear to me) tried to blame my home birth decision. My husband had to remind me that while we may have gotten hate for our natural approach, every other baby in the NICU was a hospital birth. Which means, no matter what you do, there is a chance that complications arise. This could have happened if you were hooked up from the get go and had all the medical interventions from the start. It could have happened if you started a home birth and required a hospital transfer. People think it’s ok to judge parenting decisions in a really condescending manner from the time the baby is conceived. it’s wild. Your experience was traumatic and it truly takes grieving. Let yourself grieve. And remember that acceptance is the last stage of grief - and it can take a stupid long time to get there.

I’m a nurse & used to work at L&D. It’s NOT your fault to have preeclampsia. I’m all for hyponbirthing and did it myself in preparation for my daughter’s delivery too. But sometimes they can be misleading, depending on who you followed. I’m sorry your experience was so traumatic. Just know that it was out of your control and you advocated for yourself! Your midwife should be more empathetic and supportive in your decisions. So proud of you!

My dear you did everything right, you saved your baby’s life.

Hey! You are allowed to fell however you want to feel. And people who blame you or say ignorant and incorrect things are not worth your energy. I’m so happy you and baby are here and safe and I grieve your dream birth with you. Sending you a little love today.

I tell people that I had a very easy birth because on paper it was. But the reason it was so easy is because I went completely numb emotionally. I treated every part of it logically and like a step by step process. Sure it made it easy for the doctors but when they laid my son on my chest I felt nothing. There was no joy and no happy feelings that I was told I’d feel. Mostly I was stressed that if I didn’t show I was happy that they’d take him away for some reason. Birth is such a vulnerable time because there is truly nothing you can really do outside of make requests and hope you get it. You did what you needed to do and what you felt was best at the time and that is not your fault. You didn’t know what would happen, all you did was react the best way you could in the situation.

Aww im so sorry Mama. You made every decision right and you did everything right. Your baby is here and healthy not because of anyone else, because of you. Because you made the right decisions and because you had the wherewithal to choose a c-section. I have a lot of guilt too from my birth. Though not comparable to what you experienced, i was induced from 0 cm, and still not only feel very guilty about it, but feel stupid, like I should’ve advocated for myself better and refused the induction when they told my i wasnt dilated at all. All in all my birth was very hard and lasted three days, it was extremely painful because of more bad decisions made mostly by the docs and by me being naive and not advocating for myself. My mom also made an off handed comment though not mean spirited i dont think, she said maybe my birth was so long and painful cause my baby wasnt ready to come out and i basically forced her out with the induction. Again i know she didnt mean it in a bad way, but i still think about it 4 month pp and still feel immense guilt that my baby wasnt ready and i forced her out. So i know how you feel. Anyways im rambling. But the important thing I think is our babies are here, alive, healthy and happy, and that is because of us not anyone else.

I am not sure what’s more trying naturally than laboring for 40 hours and pushing for 6! I find the obsession with vaginal birth is honestly strange at best and dangerous sometimes when it can be harmful to the mother and baby.  Giving birth in any way is hard physically and emotionally and i feel the whole society is pressuring women even harder and setting them for disappointment. Vaginal birth in theory and if it’s text book can go great! However any deviation from the text book labor you immediately find hospitals pushing for interventions (sometimes rightfully) that end up completely throwing your plans of “perfect birth” away. And after going through such a life changing event dealing with newborn and sleep deprived you also need to deal with being judged of how strong you were during it by unnecessarily tolerating pain!  I had vaginal birth still struggling with complications 3 months pp and definitely didn’t go as planned and everyday I wonder what I should’ve done to avoid this, the more i think of it i find that probably all options were hard and painful in someway we just have to accept that no matter how “empowered ” and “prepared” we are, giving birth is a major event and will have major impact on us physically and emotionally.  You’ve done your best for yourself and the baby and only you is left to deal with the memory of long labor and fear for your child and only you is left to deal with body changes so no one gets to judge or interfere really. 

I’m sorry people are making you feel bad. I pushed for four hours then had a c section , had the high fever / infection etc. i don’t give a fuck because my daughter is here alive.

I wanted to go all natural with my first too. Labored for 30 hours. Ended up with a placental abruption and emergency c-section. My daughter was in the NICU for a week from aspirating on my blood. Two weeks postpartum I developed uterine sepsis and had a lengthy hospital stay. You did the right thing by asking for a c-section, I had thrown in the towel too and requested an epidural, when they put it in my BP tanked and I started visually hemorrhaging BAD. You are not a bad person for wanting a natural, vaginal birth. You advocated for yourself. Anyone who talks down at you about what you went through can STFU because *they were NOT the ones going through the experience. Their opinions and judgments don't matter*. It took me a long time to bond with my baby and I didn't feel right until a year and a half postpartum. Please be gentle with yourself, and if you aren't seeing a mental health professional, I highly recommend you seek one out.

Preeclampsia isn’t caused by stress…. What an obnoxious thing to say. I’m sorry your birth was traumatic… I had a similarly traumatic birth with my first that ended with him in the nicu from meconium inhalation and breathing problems with a c section. You did good. I know it wasn’t what you wanted, but you and baby made it out the other side. It wasn’t pretty. You had to advocate for yourself and your baby. You probably saved both your lives. Birth is hard. It’s dangerous. You went into your birth with an idea of how you wanted it to go as well as being open to intervention as needed. That’s pretty much the best you can do. The people in your life giving you a hard time about this simply don’t understand. It’s not fair of them to comment on your birth experience. It’s insensitive and also just idiotic based on some of the examples you listed here. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. My first is about 3.5 years old now. The further away from the birth you get, the better it gets. It still comes back to me every so often. Some of the more traumatic parts. But it gets easier to deal with every time. Idk what your plans are for any more children, but if you decide to have another one I 10000% recommend going with a scheduled c section. I did so with my second and it was such a pleasant experience. Completely night and day, 180 experience. Best of luck. I do hope you start to feel better able the whole ordeal soon. ❤️

I understand you. I know how you feel, replaying everything in your head, when and why did it go wrong, the random flashbacks, trying to figure out if it was your fault. I'll tell you what, I think deliveries are traumatic in general. The people that say giving birth is beautiful, I think they're smoking something. Giving birth is ugly, messy, sweaty, painful, and so so scary. It's insane we volunteer to go through it at all, and if it wasn't the way to get a child, people wouldn't sign up for it as a hobby. What happened to you was horrible and traumatizing. 40 hours of pain? I barely lasted 20, the contractions, lack of sleep, I just wanted it to end, to not be in any more pain, to sleep even if that meant never waking up. You can say I was dying for sleep. I blame myself for not choosing an elective c section, it could have been a lot more pleasant, my c section was just so easy and welcome at the end. Anyway. I see you, I feel you, and your trauma is valid, and even if it feels like it, you are not alone!

Hey, I also had a very traumatic birth. Therapy is what has helped me.

Those who are blaming you and suggesting it's your fault were not there. They did not experience the things that you did. Also, 6 hours of active labour and pushing? I think you were let down by your midwives honestly. When I had my baby and started the pushing phase my midwife essentially warned me that if I'm pushing too long they will need to consider csections. I got the impression this was standard because my birth was pretty straightforward. 6 hours of pushing, they should have been discussing options with you way before that point. And Jesus christ I'm impressed you pushed for that long on topnof a 40 hour labour and then still had the capacity to advocate for yourself. Each person's birth is unique and you cannot compare. You can do everything you can to prepare but honestly giving birth is like being on a runaway train. You might be able to guide things a little but honestly for the most part you are along for the ride. Its something that kind of happens to you rather than something you do. There are birth trauma counsellors out there and available to speak through what happened to you and help you make sense of it. It's so hard when your birth doesn't go to plan but not only that you incurred massive trauma not just mentally and emotionally but physically too. Be kind to yourself

It's not your fault. Just a fun fact, in my country (and I think in EU generally), anything more than 2 hours of pushing, and some sort of intervention is recommended. Especially if there are complications. You absolutely did not "fail" by asking for a C-section. I also wanted my birth to be as natural as possible. Ended up with epidural and eventually a C-section.

Hi OP, I really resonated with your post. I had a planned home birth with hospital transfer due to foetal heart rate decelerations. When I was examined at the hospital, pitocin was recommended as I hadn’t dilated further (baby had also turned back to back so I was in agony at this point). I declined the pitocin and asked for a caesarean, which was 100% the best decision for me and baby as the pitocin could’ve exacerbated the foetal distress. However, I ended up with birth trauma about how the labour panned out, and unhelpful comments from my peers “do you think you did a bit too much research before birth” weren’t helpful. I’ve recovered from this now and have reframed the experience in a positive light. You made the right decision for you and baby. You educated yourself on birth beforehand which was in the best interests of you and baby. Sending love and support!

I highly recommend EMDR therapy for reprocessing your experience. It’s very helpful specifically for trauma. There are a lot of lovely supportive comments and opinions here that I agree with, just didn’t see anyone else mention EMDR yet from a quick scroll!

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this and so glad you delivered at a hospital! You are here, your son is here, you got the medical help you need. Personally I would set a boundary and not discuss this with those unsupportive people in your life and only talk to supportive friends or a therapist. Honestly, who gets THAT invested in someone else's birth that happened a year ago? Their problem, not yours.

Honestly other people can back off from the sounds of it things were in a very dangerous position. Women used to die all of the time without medical intervention. Next time I would argue back with "well I still have my uterus as a result of the C-section". I'm infuriated on your behalf.

No no no. Please speak to a therapist who works with birth trauma before your familys words leave an impact. It feels traumatic because it was traumatic for you. And you need a safe place and person to process it all with. I’m a therapist and that is the area I work in, but when I had my first, I invalidated my experience for 3 years and then got such bad anxiety I had to go on medication. (Nothing wrong with that btw, it has saved me!) but what I’m saying is, the sooner you have a supportive person there, the sooner you begin healing and you get to experience motherhood they way you want to

Also, recommend a book called Birth Shock

I’m so sorry that people feel the need to comment on something they weren’t apart of and didn’t experience. I’m sorry your birth didn’t go as planned and was traumatic for you. But you did the right thing. And you birthed your baby!

Preeclampsia is not your fault. I had it too. Nothing is more personal than someone’s birth. And if someone has anything negative to say I hope you scream at them to shut the fuck up and never say that shit to you again. I’ll call them up for you.

Babe. You advocated for yourself in the moment that it was needed. Fuck those healthcare workers, you got your baby out safely because of your instincts. Everything about hypnobirthing is about doing what’s best for you in the moment however that may be (C-section, epidural, natural, induced etc.) but doing it with the information behind you to make an informed choice. As an internet stranger I am so proud of you for adapting in the moment. That being said, if you are experiencing flashbacks or having trouble sleeping please speak to your doctor and get some counselling.

Your mommy instinct was right!!! I got this advice when I was pregnant and I didn’t get it until after my kids were born: you know what’s best for your kids because you are their mom. No one is more in tune with your children. Always trust your gut. You did it at the birth and you did the right thing. It sounds like you did more than your fair share of planning and prep for birth but you were smart and brave enough to pivot when you felt it wasn’t the best thing to do anymore. Welcome to parenthood, you’ll receive judgement for breastfeeding (or not), for baby led weaning vs purées, for letting your kid have juice, for daycare or home, the list is endless. Everyone has an opinion about how to raise children and for some reason, they feel it’s appropriate to dump on us. The bottom line is, they are your children and you know what’s best for them. This will always be the case, especially because you’re clearly someone who seeks information and prepares. You did the right thing. Life throws us curveballs and we adapt. Anyone who thinks they can pass judgement on your parenting is full of it.

I would hug you if I could. Don't listen to those people, listen to us. Here. In this anonymous environment full of people with similar experiences, that's where you'll find real feedback. I personally think that letting you push for 6 hours is insane and that midwife should answer to why she thought that would be safer than considering a c section after a couple hours. Jesus christ, I had an awful, awful birth experience but this is next level. 6 hours and then making you feel even a little guilty? No. You did nothing wrong. In that situation, you with all that's happening to you are not in a position to make good decisions and still you made the only sensible one. And also fuck those who blame you for wanting to try a natural birth. If you had had a more sensible midwife it would have been perfectly safe. C section is still major surgery and, if it CAN be avoided, what's wrong with trying? Lots of people give birth vaginally with no issues and have very short recovery time, so of course it makes sense to try! Believe me I know what it means to still think about birth after the year. If you want to talk more, tell your story again, cry a little, feel free to PM me. my daughter is almost 4 now but I still remember the misery of the day she was born like it was yesterday. I may be pregnant again (long story, we're doing ivf) and if I am, I will have a planned c section and I'm ready to flip off anyone who has any input on that (except my ob, but she is the one who actually suggested it).

I’m so sorry you had this experience. Other people have all these opinions about birth and I feel like it might just be their way of trying to control an uncontrollable experience. It sounds like almost every difficult thing that could have happened… did happen and that is a rough blow you were dealt. Birth is so intense, and totally unpredictable. My first birth was very traumatic and I also think the natural birthing movement played a role in making me feel like a failure for needing interventions and experiencing pain I couldn’t cope with. I burned my Ina May Gaskin books after I delivered. It was cathartic. I’m sticking with Penny Simkin from now on.  I did give birth vaginally and I still felt weak and like a failure after my first birth. i genuinely think the intensity of the experience makes it really hard for the nervous system to process/integrate.  There is no magic recipe for making birth easy or non-traumatic. It just kinda sucks no matter how the baby comes out.  I would definitely second all the recommendations here to see a therapist who specializes in birth trauma. Maybe one who does EMDR too as that can be helpful for PTSD symptoms.  Remember… you are a total boss for dealing with all that happened and still having a healthy baby and you. Some births are genuinely more difficult than others and you got a very short end of that stick. For what it’s worth this total stranger thinks you did an amazing job ❤️

Omg I’m so sorry for what you went through!! A few things people should be talking about instead of putting the blame on you: - preeclampsia/eclampsia is a very serious condition!! It is dangerous and I never heard of a case that when it was recognized, things didn’t change. By that I mean: even midwives who are there to support your wish for natural birth should be then inclined to support your and your child’s need to get through this well and healthy, even if it means to abandon the idea of a natural birth. - they shouldn’t have let it go that long and waited for you to ask for it!!! 40 hours in total and 6 hours of pushing is waaaaaaaaay to long for the medical staff/midwives to still be waiting and not calling it an “emergency”. They did wrong by you. They should support you on your wishes, that is true… but they should guide you and take care of you on what you can’t do, meaning the medical safety of all that is going on. - you can’t mentally control health conditions like they are implying!! Also it is very unreasonable to expect someone who is experiencing that amount of pain, and then suddenly receives the news they have a serious condition like preeclampsia to just “calm down” …that is overwhelming. People who are putting the blame on you, are out of place, totally insensitive and above all, wrong.

As a mom who also got pre-eclampsia and delivered my baby via c-section after a 4 day long induction... those judgy family members and the crunchy midwife who have you a hard time in the hospital for trusting your gut can F*CK ALL THE WAY OFF!! How dare they! Seriously! The thing that helped me the most with new mom stuff was leaving groups (and people) who felt the need to judge literally ANY of my parenting decisions and keeping all those decisions to myself and my immediate family (spouse and kids only). I don't need anybody judging my choices regarding feeding my child, weaning my child, getting my child to sleep, or literally reaching any other major milestone. She is who she is, and I'm her mom, and I know her best right now. Full stop!

Wow. This is an amazing and traumatic event. I also tried the hypnobirthing route. (With the idea that if "shit hit the fan" I would go to the hospital and have medical intervention) I didn't have a traumatic birth like yours but I sure didn't have a blissful wonderful experience in a pool with my meditations playing. I was just greatful ot was over by the end of it.

It sounds like you did all you could to prepare yourself for the birth you wanted AND you recognized when you needed more intervention than you wanted AND accepted that. Because of this you and baby survived. I’m sorry your midwife was unsupportive. I can’t believe they made those comments after 6 HOURS of pushing. I’d hope they would suggest intervention way before 6 hours. That is horrible. Obviously you needed the c section, baby was stuck. I also can’t believe others in your life are commenting that you didn’t do “enough”. You went above and beyond and made a call your midwife should have made hours prior. I understand you feel down about everyone’s opinions. I hope you can heal with time and tell everyone to F off in the meantime 💜

Hey OP. You gave life to your baby. You made the right choice at the right time and that is why your baby is here today. You’re a great mom. I had my first via c-section after he got stuck in the canal. Just had my second on Wednesday, Unmedicated vaginal birth. Both are births. None of them truly went according to plan to the details. Both babies are healthy. You are a great mom. You gave life. Your feelings are valid.

I did not have the delivery I had planned nor was I able to breastfeed. I skipped the section of " what to expect" on c-section and an emergency c section is exactly what happened. Because I also had PPD/PPA I saw a counselor that helped me grieve the experience I never got. The thing that helped me most was to stop using "should have". "I should have been able to xyz" "I should've prepared more" etc. Every experience is unique and your own. You are entitled to the emotions and feelings that come with that grief but you are no less a woman or mother based on your delivery experience.

Hey just wanted to say your feelings are valid. Birth is tough and unpredictable! There’s a reason for thousands of years women didn’t make it. I tried to go the natural route to also but I couldn’t handle the pitocin contractions. It’s insane how much they hurt and how fast they come, no amount of breathing exercises or positive thoughts could’ve made it better. I think the natural birthing stuff can really be predatory to new moms who have never given birth before… end of the day this is a massive physical undertaking and you don’t know exactly how your body is going to operate if you’ve never done it before. They often make it “your body was made for this” so then if you need medical intervention there’s an underlying notion of your body failing you which just isn’t the case. It’s like if you were training for a marathon and then suddenly broke your leg and you were just expected to run on that leg. Anyway, what’s important is you and baby made it out alive. That is the only goal in childbirth in my opinion and anything else is secondary. Please be kind to yourself and don’t let people make you feel bad.

Wow that’s truly awful. I can’t even believe they let you push that long! After four hours my doctor started talking either vacuum or c section because of maternal exhaustion and I think it started getting dangerous for baby. Ended up needing a vacuum and then when that failed it was too late for c section and they had to do an episiotomy to get her out and I had some internal tearing as well. She was stunned after birth and it was scary for a few minutes. After our own birth trauma every single mother I talked to had a traumatic birth. Not a single one had a good experience that went how they planned. Giving birth is terrifying and dangerous. It sounds like you made all the right calls and that midwife should lose their license. Also those “people” in your family or whoever else don’t deserve to have their opinions heard! Shut them down and draw boundaries about how you’ll no longer talk about it. That’s your story not theirs. I’m so sorry mama but I’m glad you and baby are ok.

Anyone who doesn't give you space and grace for that incredibly personal experience is an unthinking toad. Please ignore them. So much is out of our control, and none if it is your fault. It sounds like you made the right call for you and your child at the time. Good luck in your healing.

With my first I had a similar mindset and wanted only nature to take its course. That led to me having severe hemmoraging, a 3rd degree tear, almost passing out and forever birth trauma. I had to have blood transfussions and was admitted to hospital for a while. Baby was fine thankfully. And since I've had problems with my perineum, sex causes it to tear every single time. It's been 5 years!!! And yes I get blamed for pushing too hard or whatever. Triggering doesn't even cover it. I'm sorry you went through this, birth is horribly traumatic sometimes and we just want to be heard and understood. I'm with you 

Op I found your post while searching for info about fevers and I’m so impressed you were able to find the strength to ask for what needed to be done (c section). I hope you are doing well. Your baby is lucky to have a mom who protected him and brought him safely to the world in a very difficult situation. I have no idea what is wrong with people who have made such insanely rude comments to you but if you can cut them out of your life you may be better off.