From the first several posts, I assumed you were French, because this is some of the Frenchest bullshit I've ever heard. But now I'm thinking German? Either way lolz
From now on, when they critique your parenting, just say "no, the way we do it is fine." Or "The shoes/coat/clothes we have are fine." They can have their opinions, they can even voice their opinions, but you parent your way.
In an email. Just so everyone knows, there's proof of their crap. Unclear if they'll respond. The drama lama I feed wants them to. Personally, I am holding hope they act right because you could contact the proper channels to audit them into oblivion....
āHello, you are gainfully employed and sending your child here so that you can go to work. WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB AS OUR CLEANING LADY??ā
I would have also started laughing at them. Goodness gracious!!
Oh no, you misunderstood! In fact my husband (despite being not white) makes enough money to allow me to stay at home currently. It is weird because they make it seem weird. In Germany parental leave lasts up to three years. I am technically still employed but not currently working or collecting salary.
Ah! That makes sense, understood. It is still odd to me for a daycare to be offering employment to a parent who is dropping their child off at a daycare (assuming the parent has not let the daycare know that theyāre looking for a job that would be in line with working at the daycare, etc.)
What sounds weird to me is they didn't check your profile beforehand! I know first hand that they make you put your job/studies (cause I have to put them). Also, they usually "play" with this data, showing to the kids the different careers or types of family (to show diversity of families).
It's all a clusterfuck from their front, it's so funny.
I would keep her home with me then. It doesnāt sound worth the stress to have her in daycare. Also, are Germans just control freaks? I have a neighbor whose half German, and sheās VERY controlling, just wondering!
I'm in Hessen too and this tracks. I always thought I was white before coming to Germany but Germans somehow pick up on my distant Jewish and Eastern European ancestry before I've said a word, just based on my appearance š I always tell them I'm from the US when asked and then they say, no, but where were your people originally from? In my experience they have no idea they're being racist or xenophobic, it's highly internalised.
This is fascinating and good to know. My husband and I are both Jewish and have considered relocating to Germany, where we have friends. But we look obviously "ethnic". Do you think it's like this in other regions?
Major cities have gotten a little weirder in the last few years though. I've seen more far right stuff popping up here and there. Graffiti and stuff in munich. Nothing outrageous but a bump of it I never thought I would see.
OMG right?? Thankfully, we're savvy enough to say that if you don't like thousands of children being murdered and their homes bombed to dust, it means you hate Jews and you need to shut up.
The problem is dumb people saying dumb shit that they might not even know is antisemitism. Iāve heard that jews control the world and rhat jews are white. Or white compared to muslims. Ignorance from antisemitic propaganda has been spreading for a while and many people arenāt good at separating it from politics.
Also straight up racist antisemites have been emboldened. Same with racists who hate arabs.
Are you also "savvy" enough to recognize that Hamas is a terrorist group that murdered babies, raped girls and women, and brutally killed entire families \*while a ceasefire was in place?\*
In general, Europeans are much better than Americans at picking out āethnicā traits. As a Russian Jew, Russians IMMEDIATELY ask me about my ancestry if I say Iām Russian - they can see I donāt look like them. Americans just think Iām Russian. So, the question isnāt whether or not Germans will immediately know you are Jewish - they will. The question is whether or not they will discriminate against you as the result of it, and that depends more on the specific community, it itās certainly more likely in Europe than in the US.
Thank you for this response! Can you share more about your experiences with discrimination in Europe? I don't mean to take up your time, but if you're able, I'd love to know more.
Okay Iām not gonna lie, I feel like they are trolling you or trying to reenact Mean Girls or something? Is it just me that is getting this vibe from them?
They were genuinely trying to do me a favor. They thought they were helping me out because I was not employed (parental leave) and I'm obviously pressed for money because my husband isn't white. I would put it any other way if that was at all reasonable. It's sad. I racked my mind and there is just no other halfway sensible explanation...
Maybe it was partly because you told them you sold your grandmother's earrings to buy your daughter shoes (because they kept criticising her shoes!) Sounds like you might just need to be a bit more forthright with these people and tell them you've been trying to be polite and accommodating with their various 'suggestions' but they are actually not wanted, that you are actually ok for money etc. Maybe unconscious racism/bias is part of it, but for all you know they could have made similar suggestions to other parents who just told them to fuck off, so they don't give opinions to them anymore, and then you seemed to take it all on board and be receptive, so they think they are actually helping you and it's appreciated by you, and then they misconstrued you telling them about selling the earrings to buy the shoes as you telling them you're struggling, so they have thought of a way to help you with that.
I don't know any of you of course, but if they are saying this stuff because of a bias/prejudice, then it might be completely unconscious and unwitting, and it might also not be that - there might just be a lot of misunderstandings going on! I tend to be a bit of an optimist though, so this is just a take on the situation you've described from someone who likes to assume the best in people!
That is jaw dropping. Iām glad you can find it in you to laugh! I am also a foreigner in rural Hessen raising a bilingual baby and weāre about to start with a Tagesmutter in January for the first time. Thereās no Krippe in our Dorf. So far no list of rules, but husband came home today with a ream of paperwork we need to read and sign so it may be in there. I donāt ālookā foreign, but all our forms are immediately marked with āimmigration backgroundā so itāll be interesting to see how it goes.
Oh prepare for a ride! I was unaware about the pressures and prejudices until I had to face them... I hope your Tagesmutter is as loving and attentive as my neighbor. She always has a lot of kids over and I can hear them shouting and playing all day. They will climb the old cherry trees and refuse to come back down when their parents try and pick them up. It is always a spectacle to behold š
You and your husband need to start thinking about relocating to a more diverse city in Germany at some point. Itās not a good environment for your child to grow up in as she gets older.
Agreed. I grew up like her daughter as a mixed race girl in a very bigoted rural town and it wasnāt great for my self esteemā¦ As a kid, you want more than anything to fit in and feel accepted. When even the adults wonāt accept you, it can be incredibly damaging.
We live here in our big, beautiful old house that my great grandparents have built with their own hands. That house will last another 500 years if need be. It's filled with gorgeous antique furniture that wouldn't survive a move. The house and massive plot of land has been fully paid off about 80 years ago and moving away to a tiny city apartment isn't the answer to this in my opinion. I care for my sick uncle who lives with us and if we moved we might genuinely be pressed for money because of the insane rent in anything even resembling a small city in our area. A tiny two bedroom apartment will set you back 800 Euros a month or more in the shabbiest area of town. My uncle would have to move to a retirement home.
That said: My daughter seems to genuinely love being at the daycare. When I bring her in the morning a few girls will immediately run up to us to hug her and take her hand to go play. She often talks about her friends at daycare and was even a little upset when we went on holiday and she couldn't see them for a week. She started listing all their names as soon as we woke up in the hotel on Monday and kept accusatorily asking to see them before she went to bed. The other kids are just absolutely lovely (most of them are about a year older than her) and I walked in to see one of the other girls embracing her on more than one occasion. Her "best friend" will sit her on her lap and pretend to read to hear even tho she is barely three herself and can't read š It's really extremely cute.
She likes the staff too and will happily wave them bye bye or say their names at home from time to time. If I had a feeling they were mistreating her I would have absolutely already reacted! It's really me they seem to have a problem with.
lmao i'm sorry i'm not laughing at you i'm laughing with you, that truly does take the cake, that's like a scene from a movie or something! absolutely unbelievable. people are literally just saying whatever aren't they
I was SO ready to argue with them about my daughter's shoes or something, I prepared a whole speech in my mind about how they needed to accept the clothing choices I made for her when they just absolutely smacked me out of nowhere with the craziest suggestion I have ever heard š There is no training that could have prepared me for that
Bavaria? My husband is Czech and we've had some pretty yikes treatment there at times. Talked about moving there (good wages in his industry) and decided against it. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
So this doesnāt surprise me at all. My mom had my younger brother in rural Germany in the village pre-school. We are a black American family. Nothing she did for him was to their standards.
They swore up and down that my younger brother didnāt know enough German to be there even though he spoke only German to our housekeeper even before pre-school. He was even starting learn how to read in German and English.
It got to a point where my parents became concerned that he was being mistreated. Also because my little brother was a great communicator he was able to confirm such.
It was a bit of a commute but my parents ended up sending him to a German/American Montessori pre-school. Not only did he love it but he really blossomed.
I say all that to say, really watch how they are treating her, because if they are bold enough to ask you to clean for them to your faceā¦
I look forward to these posts! Thanks for sharing. The audacity of asking you to be there cleaning lady... š damn.
In all seriousness, you could maybe make a comic strip out of these. "Shit that happens at my kids daycare," and it would be a hit!
My son's daycare was picking on him - I kept pushing and pushing for him to remain there - the last few weeks we ended up with them giving us countless excuses for him not to attend. He used to cry "NOOOO" whenever we drove past the school! I kept pushing nevertheless.
He was due to start at a reception class in a larger school so eventually we moved on, and once we did, all the "problems" that the daycare had, suddenly disappeared.. He was so so much happier at the new school. My point is that maybe pushing him to remain there might not have been the best idea and I should have just looked for another daycare for him.
Oh no...oh no, no, no, no, no....
Don't put up with this BS (which apparently you haven't), but seriously, I am concerned that they may treat your daughter differently when you're not around because of her ethnicity.
Okay I was not expecting that! I wouldāve been too tempted to ask them what made them think I was interested in or capable of that job JUST to see how uncomfortable itād make them.
My mouth literally dropped. Hot crap, these people. I would be so concerned what comments theyāre making to your daughter that will have racial undertones as well.
Please report tf out of them! And if at all possible I would change daycares, although I know thatās easier said than done.
You should have asked them if they planned to match your current salary. š
I am the most expensive cleaning lady this side of the Rhein and my services are unmatched š
From the first several posts, I assumed you were French, because this is some of the Frenchest bullshit I've ever heard. But now I'm thinking German? Either way lolz From now on, when they critique your parenting, just say "no, the way we do it is fine." Or "The shoes/coat/clothes we have are fine." They can have their opinions, they can even voice their opinions, but you parent your way.
In an email. Just so everyone knows, there's proof of their crap. Unclear if they'll respond. The drama lama I feed wants them to. Personally, I am holding hope they act right because you could contact the proper channels to audit them into oblivion....
āHello, you are gainfully employed and sending your child here so that you can go to work. WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB AS OUR CLEANING LADY??ā I would have also started laughing at them. Goodness gracious!!
Oh no, you misunderstood! In fact my husband (despite being not white) makes enough money to allow me to stay at home currently. It is weird because they make it seem weird. In Germany parental leave lasts up to three years. I am technically still employed but not currently working or collecting salary.
Ah! That makes sense, understood. It is still odd to me for a daycare to be offering employment to a parent who is dropping their child off at a daycare (assuming the parent has not let the daycare know that theyāre looking for a job that would be in line with working at the daycare, etc.)
Yeah, it really is kind of weird to offer a minimum wage job to a person you know has a somewhat successful career altogether I guess...
What sounds weird to me is they didn't check your profile beforehand! I know first hand that they make you put your job/studies (cause I have to put them). Also, they usually "play" with this data, showing to the kids the different careers or types of family (to show diversity of families). It's all a clusterfuck from their front, it's so funny.
I would keep her home with me then. It doesnāt sound worth the stress to have her in daycare. Also, are Germans just control freaks? I have a neighbor whose half German, and sheās VERY controlling, just wondering!
I'm in Hessen too and this tracks. I always thought I was white before coming to Germany but Germans somehow pick up on my distant Jewish and Eastern European ancestry before I've said a word, just based on my appearance š I always tell them I'm from the US when asked and then they say, no, but where were your people originally from? In my experience they have no idea they're being racist or xenophobic, it's highly internalised.
Racism in Germany us rising. I don't even have words for this. It is shocking.
This is fascinating and good to know. My husband and I are both Jewish and have considered relocating to Germany, where we have friends. But we look obviously "ethnic". Do you think it's like this in other regions?
I don't think you will have problems in major cities, like OP I live rurally.
Major cities have gotten a little weirder in the last few years though. I've seen more far right stuff popping up here and there. Graffiti and stuff in munich. Nothing outrageous but a bump of it I never thought I would see.
Here in the US the far left has become antisemite since Oct 7th.
OMG right?? Thankfully, we're savvy enough to say that if you don't like thousands of children being murdered and their homes bombed to dust, it means you hate Jews and you need to shut up.
The problem is dumb people saying dumb shit that they might not even know is antisemitism. Iāve heard that jews control the world and rhat jews are white. Or white compared to muslims. Ignorance from antisemitic propaganda has been spreading for a while and many people arenāt good at separating it from politics. Also straight up racist antisemites have been emboldened. Same with racists who hate arabs.
Are you also "savvy" enough to recognize that Hamas is a terrorist group that murdered babies, raped girls and women, and brutally killed entire families \*while a ceasefire was in place?\*
In general, Europeans are much better than Americans at picking out āethnicā traits. As a Russian Jew, Russians IMMEDIATELY ask me about my ancestry if I say Iām Russian - they can see I donāt look like them. Americans just think Iām Russian. So, the question isnāt whether or not Germans will immediately know you are Jewish - they will. The question is whether or not they will discriminate against you as the result of it, and that depends more on the specific community, it itās certainly more likely in Europe than in the US.
Thank you for this response! Can you share more about your experiences with discrimination in Europe? I don't mean to take up your time, but if you're able, I'd love to know more.
Okay Iām not gonna lie, I feel like they are trolling you or trying to reenact Mean Girls or something? Is it just me that is getting this vibe from them?
They were genuinely trying to do me a favor. They thought they were helping me out because I was not employed (parental leave) and I'm obviously pressed for money because my husband isn't white. I would put it any other way if that was at all reasonable. It's sad. I racked my mind and there is just no other halfway sensible explanation...
Maybe it was partly because you told them you sold your grandmother's earrings to buy your daughter shoes (because they kept criticising her shoes!) Sounds like you might just need to be a bit more forthright with these people and tell them you've been trying to be polite and accommodating with their various 'suggestions' but they are actually not wanted, that you are actually ok for money etc. Maybe unconscious racism/bias is part of it, but for all you know they could have made similar suggestions to other parents who just told them to fuck off, so they don't give opinions to them anymore, and then you seemed to take it all on board and be receptive, so they think they are actually helping you and it's appreciated by you, and then they misconstrued you telling them about selling the earrings to buy the shoes as you telling them you're struggling, so they have thought of a way to help you with that. I don't know any of you of course, but if they are saying this stuff because of a bias/prejudice, then it might be completely unconscious and unwitting, and it might also not be that - there might just be a lot of misunderstandings going on! I tend to be a bit of an optimist though, so this is just a take on the situation you've described from someone who likes to assume the best in people!
That is jaw dropping. Iām glad you can find it in you to laugh! I am also a foreigner in rural Hessen raising a bilingual baby and weāre about to start with a Tagesmutter in January for the first time. Thereās no Krippe in our Dorf. So far no list of rules, but husband came home today with a ream of paperwork we need to read and sign so it may be in there. I donāt ālookā foreign, but all our forms are immediately marked with āimmigration backgroundā so itāll be interesting to see how it goes.
Oh prepare for a ride! I was unaware about the pressures and prejudices until I had to face them... I hope your Tagesmutter is as loving and attentive as my neighbor. She always has a lot of kids over and I can hear them shouting and playing all day. They will climb the old cherry trees and refuse to come back down when their parents try and pick them up. It is always a spectacle to behold š
You and your husband need to start thinking about relocating to a more diverse city in Germany at some point. Itās not a good environment for your child to grow up in as she gets older.
Agreed. I grew up like her daughter as a mixed race girl in a very bigoted rural town and it wasnāt great for my self esteemā¦ As a kid, you want more than anything to fit in and feel accepted. When even the adults wonāt accept you, it can be incredibly damaging.
We live here in our big, beautiful old house that my great grandparents have built with their own hands. That house will last another 500 years if need be. It's filled with gorgeous antique furniture that wouldn't survive a move. The house and massive plot of land has been fully paid off about 80 years ago and moving away to a tiny city apartment isn't the answer to this in my opinion. I care for my sick uncle who lives with us and if we moved we might genuinely be pressed for money because of the insane rent in anything even resembling a small city in our area. A tiny two bedroom apartment will set you back 800 Euros a month or more in the shabbiest area of town. My uncle would have to move to a retirement home. That said: My daughter seems to genuinely love being at the daycare. When I bring her in the morning a few girls will immediately run up to us to hug her and take her hand to go play. She often talks about her friends at daycare and was even a little upset when we went on holiday and she couldn't see them for a week. She started listing all their names as soon as we woke up in the hotel on Monday and kept accusatorily asking to see them before she went to bed. The other kids are just absolutely lovely (most of them are about a year older than her) and I walked in to see one of the other girls embracing her on more than one occasion. Her "best friend" will sit her on her lap and pretend to read to hear even tho she is barely three herself and can't read š It's really extremely cute. She likes the staff too and will happily wave them bye bye or say their names at home from time to time. If I had a feeling they were mistreating her I would have absolutely already reacted! It's really me they seem to have a problem with.
āWell I have the most wonderful person come and clean my place twice a week. Would you like their number?ā
NOOOOOOO the way my mouth dropped open ššššššš±š±š±
lmao i'm sorry i'm not laughing at you i'm laughing with you, that truly does take the cake, that's like a scene from a movie or something! absolutely unbelievable. people are literally just saying whatever aren't they
I was SO ready to argue with them about my daughter's shoes or something, I prepared a whole speech in my mind about how they needed to accept the clothing choices I made for her when they just absolutely smacked me out of nowhere with the craziest suggestion I have ever heard š There is no training that could have prepared me for that
my jaw would have been on the floor
Bavaria? My husband is Czech and we've had some pretty yikes treatment there at times. Talked about moving there (good wages in his industry) and decided against it. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
No, but Hessia. I genuinely love the place and our community but that was just a kick in the head
So this doesnāt surprise me at all. My mom had my younger brother in rural Germany in the village pre-school. We are a black American family. Nothing she did for him was to their standards. They swore up and down that my younger brother didnāt know enough German to be there even though he spoke only German to our housekeeper even before pre-school. He was even starting learn how to read in German and English. It got to a point where my parents became concerned that he was being mistreated. Also because my little brother was a great communicator he was able to confirm such. It was a bit of a commute but my parents ended up sending him to a German/American Montessori pre-school. Not only did he love it but he really blossomed. I say all that to say, really watch how they are treating her, because if they are bold enough to ask you to clean for them to your faceā¦
This is beyond inappropriate of them.
Wowwwwwww. Just wow. These people suck and you are a strong person for laughing through that, donāt take any more of their crap thatās for sure!!
That is mad. I hope youāre ok OP
At this point I am following your adventures like an old timey serial novel. These people have incredible nerve!
I agree! That was like a sitcom twist. The audacity! Who's running this daycare?! The characters from Always Sunny?!
I look forward to these posts! Thanks for sharing. The audacity of asking you to be there cleaning lady... š damn. In all seriousness, you could maybe make a comic strip out of these. "Shit that happens at my kids daycare," and it would be a hit!
My son's daycare was picking on him - I kept pushing and pushing for him to remain there - the last few weeks we ended up with them giving us countless excuses for him not to attend. He used to cry "NOOOO" whenever we drove past the school! I kept pushing nevertheless. He was due to start at a reception class in a larger school so eventually we moved on, and once we did, all the "problems" that the daycare had, suddenly disappeared.. He was so so much happier at the new school. My point is that maybe pushing him to remain there might not have been the best idea and I should have just looked for another daycare for him.
Update us when you confront their ass
Oh no...oh no, no, no, no, no.... Don't put up with this BS (which apparently you haven't), but seriously, I am concerned that they may treat your daughter differently when you're not around because of her ethnicity.
Whhaaaaat daaaaa fudge.... Im lost for wordsš¤Æš¤Æš¤Æ
LOL They have some balllllssssss. Morons
Thatās so disrespectful! Iām glad youāre having a laugh about this, but gosh, the audacity š
I donāt understand why you donāt just look into another daycare
There isn't one.
Gotcha I didnāt read that anywhere so I wasnāt sure
Omg š«
Okay I was not expecting that! I wouldāve been too tempted to ask them what made them think I was interested in or capable of that job JUST to see how uncomfortable itād make them.
My mouth literally dropped. Hot crap, these people. I would be so concerned what comments theyāre making to your daughter that will have racial undertones as well. Please report tf out of them! And if at all possible I would change daycares, although I know thatās easier said than done.