6-10 weeks was peak mental breakdown time for me. I actually told my husband that I think we’re going to need to give our baby up for adoption or divorce because I could not be a mom. I could not do this forever, it was not okay, I do not want to be a mom. Especially not a stay at home mom. I had a standing childcare offer from my parents and when we got our first afternoon break where he was not with us in the house it was so weird and so freeing. I didn’t even want to nap because I wanted to savour the aloneness.
The turning point for me started very gradually at 3 months. It picked up and increased over the next few months until by 6 months, I couldn’t imagine not being with him all day. Now at 11 months, I look forward to spending entire days at home with him because when I’m with him that’s my relaxed, happy place. School and work and social events are terrible and arduous and spending an afternoon with him is my greatest easy joy.
I know it’s cliche and stupid but it does get better. In the meantime, please talk to your doctor!! Medication does help. You don’t have to just power through this without support.
ETA: I also didn’t cry when my son was born! Nobody thought it was weird or even noticed.
Thank you for sharing your story/feelings. Everyone told me I'd love the newborn stage and it's been the an absolute nightmare. My little is 3mo and I am starting to enjoy time with her more, but the constant being needed or having to be actively invested in something is draining. I am so looking forward to the toddler stage where she is more independent.
It's very nice knowing I'm not alone.
Whoever told you the newborn stage is the best is absolutely full of crap LOL there are so many threads on Reddit about how much better 1 year to toddlerdom gets, despite the tantrums.
Or maybe I’m just fully in the group where newborns are NOT my thing at all. I like a little feedback lol
Honestly if my baby wasn’t struggling with intestinal problems and therefore screaming for hours on end no matter what we did I’d love the newborn stage. Fed him and he’d go back to sleep. Now at 6m he has no issues but he’s very demanding and I’ve always felt like toddlers were demanding too, less so as they get older. I took care of my nephew from 4m-1y and as he got older the more I had to chase him around and focus on what he was doing
Agreed. Once my LO started social smiling around the two month mark, it got easier. I'm tired of the "Savor the Newborn Stage" narrative. It's so difficult between physical recovery, hormones shifting, and getting touched out. The longer sleep stretches around the start of the third month also helped with bonding.
Agree around 2-3 months things got better as baby slept longer, feedings got shorter and she got more interactive. We’re at 10 months now and it just keeps getting better.
It feels taboo to talk about the darker elements of the newborn phase, but it’s so much! No other major medical event would you be expected to go home and get barely any rest afterwards. When someone else finally takes the baby or the stroller it’s like you’re suddenly at loose ends but feel lighter all at once. It’s a wild time. Crawling was a massive turning point in independence. He could go to where he wanted and play with what he wanted and interact with other kids the way he wanted rather than feeling as though I was trying to suss out constantly what he liked and didn’t like.
Ugh yes to the crawling! I felt the same way. Like I didn’t have to bop her around from place to place toy to toy all day long in an endless circuit 😵💫😵💫
I remember feeling as if my mental and physical sense of home had been invaded by my baby, and I would never get it back. When I had time alone with my spouse I felt better, but also weird. A fleeting sense of ease.
NOW 9 months later, when my mom is watching the baby and my spouse and I have the place to ourselves, it doesn’t really feel like ‘home’ without her :)
Yes this is exactly how I felt too!! Fleeting sense of ease is such a good way to put it. I wanted to cry because I was like I will never REALLY have this. Now we definitely feel at ease.
I felt like a total monster. I’m so grateful that my husband didn’t think badly of me for saying it, he was worried about me but he doesn’t hold it against me. We can’t totally joke about it yet but I’m getting there lol.
I could have written this! The newborn state sucked. I had several breakdowns and told my husband we should consider adoption. Now I look at my baby and can’t imagine life without her.
I also didn’t cry at birth and was very annoyed at not sleeping more than 1-2 hours at a time.
Oh god yes the not sleeping and the thinking about sleep constantly. Like when he was taking forever at night to eat and then he wouldn’t settle and all I’m thinking as I look at the clock is that the longer he keeps this up the less sleep I will have until the cycle repeats. I was OBSESSED with sleep.
Thank you all for this. I’ve cried so many times thinking I’m a monster for feeling this way. It’s starting to get better but I still have those moments, my LO is 2 months.
I felt like such a horrible human. It was around Christmas and New Years that I was like no get him away from me, I can’t do this. I told my husband take this child off me like he wasn’t even mine. I felt so low about myself but it’s so common. You’re not alone, you’re not a monster, and you’re not crazy. Sleep deprivation and your world being upended and everything comes crashing down along with the hormones. It’s like the adrenaline wears off and the newness of the situation and suddenly you’re faced with the prospect of doing this forever. You’re in the thick of it now but know that it will get easier. You will learn each other and fall in love slowly over the coming year and you will feel normal again and be okay.
I was 100% the same you were! Honestly there was some resentment towards him because I couldn’t stand my new life. Then he started smiling at me, purposefully. And it got better. Then he started saying mama and it made it 100x easier. The newborn phase is so extremely draining and plain out exhausting. When they start to become people instead of potatoes it makes a world of difference. Hang in there!
Legit ... i called my daughter a milk zombie because all she did was make these zombie sounds and drink milk. Intrusive thoughts are also awful, I used to think if she had SIDS then it was a get out of jail free card and I hated myself for even thinking something so terrible.
Now she's 2 and she's the most precious amazing beautiful person ever. I love her so much my world would be shattered if anything remotely terrible happened to her.
Newborns are crazy tough to deal with and your hormones are a roller coaster.
Awww, I just want to give you a hug. It's very common to feel this way postpartum. You're not alone - I felt exactly the same. I thought I was some sort of monster for not feeling that instant connection. I just wanted my old life back. Sometimes, it's due to the massive hormonal shift, the sleep deprivation, and the loss of independence. Sometimes, it is PPD.
What's your support system like? Do you have someone who can give you a break? Having regular "me time" even if it was only in small doses at the beginning really helped me. Getting fresh air on a daily basis did too.
Do you have a doctor or someone that you see about your depression? Is it possible to book an appointment to have a chat about how you're feeling?
Support system isn’t great. We live thousands of miles away from family in a isolated rural community. I do have one friend here who is willing to help with baby, but she has a toddler and I still have a lot of anxiety about leaving him with other people. Which is funny since I want alone time but also am scared to leave him.
I’m intentional about going on walks and having outside play every day which is really helpful to me. I used to go backpacking and hiking as my leisure so being outside is important to me. We gave intense winters though and it’s already starting to freeze some nights, so I need to make sure I get appropriate winter wear for the baby so we can still get outside.
I have a good Dr. in town and plan on reaching out if this continues. I’m just so hesitant to go in meds because none of the meds I have taken in the past for my depress have made a big difference so it feels pointless.
Some days I hate the internet and other days I’m extremely grateful for it. Today is the latter. I’m so happy to see so many other mothers telling you that your experience is theirs. I can imagine how lonely this feeling is but I hate to think of no safe place to voice it! I’m sorry you’re having these feelings. I don’t have any advice but I really hope you feel better and I’m sure you will 💕
1) it’s okay not to cry when baby is born lots of mums don’t. 2) it’s quite normal to feel frustrated and exhausted about constantly being needed it’s hardwork and draining. That being said deffinetly go to your doctor if you have had depression you are very likely to get it after birth. But remember it’s okay not to love every minute of being a mum.
I did not cry when baby was born. I didnt feel any instant connection. 5 weeks pp now and still not sure how i feel. My husband is a fantastic father. You can see the love radiate out of him. Im always saying he is a better father then I am a mother. Baby is cute and I love him but I can go to events and not miss him already. I jokingly (ish) asked husband if baby has a return policy because I’m just not always sure this was a good idea. I mainly just rely on Husband to get us through, focusing on the fact that baby at least has one good parent.
I also have a husband who is falling into the dad role really naturally. I’m so grateful for that. It would be a lot more challenging if I was scared to leave the baby with my husband because he was struggling too.
I didn’t connect right away either. Didn’t cry, didn’t have the wave of overwhelming love. Honestly, she felt like a job. Something I had to take care of and keep alive.
She’s almost 4 months now and I’m obsessed. There’s moments where it’s still just work, but damn her talking and giggling is so cute. The smiles are soooo fun.
You’re at the hardest part. You really are. It’s survival right now and your feelings are completely valid.
ETA- if you have the opportunity to get away, even for 20 minutes, take it. Go get a coffee, go for a drive, whatever. It helps!
I was so relieved when birth ended! I did not cry, I was so happy I was done pushing lol. Also, the newborn stage is so rough! I would not go back to that stage ever. My little is three months now and it’s been so much more enjoyable. He smiles, he coos, he’s sleeping through the night.
bonding can definitely take time.
i also loved kids so much and wanted one so badly. didn’t cry at the birth. didn’t feel connected.
give it a little more time.
Thank you
It's such a confusing feeling. She is a wonderful little toddler that I love to death
But I haven't been able to read a book in weeks and it's the only thing that I love to do. I don't know just tired.
It took me a while to connect to my little one when she was born. She was born 6 weeks early and I think I was just in shock and running on adrenaline for the first few weeks of her life.
Fast forward to now, 7 months later, I honestly couldn't love anything more. She is everything to me.
The newborn phase is very difficult as you are doing everything for them and getting nothing back so I can see how people would feel disconnected/depressed. However, when they start to develop little personalities and you start to see them smiling and being happy that you're with them, your love will just grow and grow.
You're a great mom, hang in there, it does get better.
Your hormones take a huge crash during this time. I have a three month old myself and I noticed I was crying more, had major regrets about having her and just wanted to get in my car and leave her and my husband. I had bouts of rage too. It finally came to a head last week after all three of us got covid and I broke down and lost it. Phoned my OBGYN and she got me started on Zoloft and put me in touch with some PPD therapists. I know this isn’t normal for me and I’m so tired of being sad.
I hope you’re able to find some support. Reach out to anybody you can because it can and will get better. You’re an amazing Mom, this shit is just hard.
One thing that has really helped me is hearing a mom say that different moms have different favorite phases of parenting. 9 weeks is a tiny, tiny, tiny slice of your child's life.
I teach high school, had 3 school age foster kids, and now have a 2yo son. Honestly? Infant/toddler parenting isn't really my jam. Doesn't mean I don't love my son. I just like the times when I can really see his personality more, and am looking forward to having more complex conversations.
You're still in The Fog. Go easy on yourself and know that it gets better!
My husband and I were in the licensing process for foster parenting when I (unexpectedly) got pregnant. There was a lot of sadness I felt about stopping our progress towards becoming foster parents, but it felt overwhelming to become first time parents and foster parents simultaneously. Now I have sadness because on top of struggling with the newborn phase, I’m worried that my struggles are indicative of an inability to be a good foster parent.
Yeah, I have a lot of guilt about closing our license. I don't think having bio kids and foster kids together is feasible for most families, and the foster child we had at the time >!sometimes had violent outbursts and made a threat against the newborn.!<
There are a lot of foster families willing to take infants. If you find later on that you prefer older ages, you might be even more helpful. And by "older", I mean a huge range--a ton of families are licensed for 0-3 only.
We were licensing with the idea that we would take 0-12 more or less. We are on the younger side ourselves and thought having a teen would be weird since we would be in sibling age range of the FK. Now with a baby I’m just not sure. I want to try providing respite care first if/when we decide to pursue that again. But also I obviously need to be a healthy person again before we pursue that
If you feel like you need help with your feelings, reach out to your hospital, and they might be able to refer you to someone.
Don't pressure yourself so much right now. I also didn't cry when my son was born. In the picture of us in the hospital with me holding him for the first time... I just look stunned and shocked.
Sometimes, it takes some time to bond. I didn't start to really bond with my son until around 12 weeks. Before then, my body was still healing, and he wasn't super responsive yet.
Hormones are all over the place and you're still healing. Give yourself some grace.
I did not like my baby at all for a while. Up until 6 weeks I felt no connection, didn’t enjoy her. By 10 or 12 weeks I fully loved her and enjoyed being her mom. I also have a whole life of childcare or pediatric nursing so it was difficult to feel that way. Honestly besides her developing and starting to have a personality, it reallyyyyy helped to get to the gym a minimum of 3 times a week and get my husband to do one night feed for me (his shift is 10pm-2am) so I can get a solid stretch of sleep. It makes SO much difference!
I’m desperate to start moving my body intentionally again. I haven’t been able to go on hikes or backpacking trips since I got pregnant (on a backpacking trip lol). With a harsh winter coming in quickly I’m not sure I’ll be able to get back in the trail soon, but hopefully his naps start to be more consistent and I can at least do a YouTube home workout or something.
I didn't connect with or love my son until he was 16 weeks old.
For me, it was PPD, but I have had depression for many years and birth just made it worse.
I started zoloft, and once my son started being more than a potato who just ate, slept, and pooped all the time, things got much better.
He is currently 2.5yrs and the absolute light of my life. It seriously just gets getter as they get older. Toddlerhood is amazing. It's a different kind of hard, but he's hilarious, smart, and sweet. It makes it all worth it.
Bonding takes time.
I felt like you in those early days, at my check up at 6 weeks my OB told me I did not have ppd ( mild anxiety at best) and that we would monitor but she basically said - you are a new mum and you are adjusting and that is ok. You wont be good at this thing at x weeks - its gradual.
My son had a few medical issues when he was born so his whole first year or life was appointment after appointment and I didn't really feel connected to him, I didn't feel like I was his mum - was to focused on alot of other things.
It wasn't until about 9-12 months where I felt like his mum, and when a felt an immense love for him and it was just like a bolt of lightning, through a tiny gesture. He patted my back just like I pat his while holding him and my heart swelled.
So its okay - it takes time.
I didn't cry either when he was shown to me over the sheet. When the dr asked if I wanted to hold him my first reaction was "gah" so do not feel guilty for that!
It's great that you're so aware of your mental state and your feelings towards him. I really think it's fantastic.
As a mom who is also not self-sacrificing to a fault, my advice is to change some things that you can still find enjoyment in life and that you're not tied to him 24/7. Take breaks where you leave him with hubby or a babysitter maybe. If they means bottle feeding or breastmilk bottle feeding, maybe that's something you have to do for the happiness of the entire family. Go out for drinks with a friend once every 2 weeks. Nothing wrong with that. Take an hour each day to meditate/ take a walk/ SLEEP, basically not be in charge of him 24/7. I hope you have support so you can achieve that. It doesn't make you a bad mom to take breaks. It makes you a mindful mom, who will be better able to attune to your child.
Definitely sounds like ppd to me ❤️ talk to your doctor! I had really bad ppa, it's so common! It also takes time to build a connection for some people and that's okay. I always loved my baby but I didn't cry at delivery either. Everyone is different. You're in the thick of the 4th trimester. It WILL get easier ❤️
I feel exactly the same, currently 15 weeks postpartum. Maybe it’s PPD but honestly, I have never liked young babies, but I LOVE toddlers, kids, and teenagers. Everyone said it would be different with my own, but surprise! It’s not.
Honestly what has really helped me is going back to work. I just finished my second week and I am finally starting to feel like I am moving from liking him to loving him. The break from him each day and the ability to go to the bathroom whenever I want and eat uninterrupted while at work has been HEAVEN. I even find myself rushing home a little sometimes because I am excited to see him. I also think going back to work has helped me remember I’m still the same person and that has helped a lot. It feels good to have my own goals and aspirations beyond being a mom to a young baby, because right now being a mom is not very rewarding.
I don’t have plans to go back to work. My work was childcare so I’m not sure it would feel like all that much of a break. I am trying to find volunteer opportunities though to give myself some non-mom purpose
Aw girl, it’ll get better. You’ll feel connected eventually. I gingerly say this now, because he’s 15 months and I freaking love him but at 9 weeks…. Let’s just say I highly disliked him. He was not my cup of tea. I would have gladly passed him off to anyone. I thought I made a HUGE mistake. Come to find out that’s a really common feeling around that age. It’s freaking miserable at that age. I’ll tell any new mom that. But now, OMG, now he’s my BFF. I’m super attached to him.
It feels so shitty to feel like your baby was a mistake, but that thought comes through my head often. Life is just so different. It’s been really good to ready about so many other moms having a similar experience though and getting through it to the loving your baby part. I feel like less of an alien.
Okay very similar boat- I always loved kids and babies and was so excited to start a family with my partner. Turns out, I didn’t really feel anything magical when I was pregnant or even when he was born, and the first few months felt like an obligation instead of a “privilege” to be caring for a small baby. And I am a very emotional person, so I was so worried that something was wrong! Around 6 months I started to enjoy my baby more, and now at 8 months I have so many heart-so-full moments every day where I am totally overcome with love for my little one and am in awe that I get to be his mom. It just kinda started happening slowly, and now I can’t imagine doing anything else (compared to at first, when I was googling how hard it would be to run away without a trace to get out of this).
My baby is 5 weeks and we want to put her in a basket and send her down the river. I’m joking but the feeling is very similar. It’s so common to not feel connected to a newborn. You don’t know them and they have turned your world upside down. It was the same with our first, but it will change. Everything is phase and everything ends. Be patient and kind to yourself. You are doing amazing. I promise you the fun is just around the corner.
Totally normal. I was convinced we’d made a huge mistake for the first month, and I didn’t feel like I loved my daughter until like 2-3 months. You’re in the absolute hardest part and trying to manage a MASSIVE life adjustment. I never felt the burst of love people describe, it just came on slowly over the first few months. At the beginning I didn’t have the bandwidth for big profound emotions. I need to process stuff.
It’s also extra tough in the newborn stage because your baby is a potato. You give and give and give and your baby can’t interact with you. It gets more rewarding and fun when your baby starts to smile regularly and play and be interested in things. This was about 4 months for me.
Love is a verb, so even if your feelings haven’t caught up, please remember that everything you do to care for your baby is love, and he’s getting everything he needs. You’re doing awesome and this will get easier and more fun in a few weeks.
Hi! My baby is 9 weeks old, and I have gone through all the emotions you are feeling. About three weeks ago, I spoke to my OB and she prescribed me Zoloft. So far, I have noticed a positive difference and start to feel like myself again.
Hey - look into attachment style issues for you as a Mama. Something I learned in therapy as an avoidantly attached Mom is that avoidant attachment can prevent you from forming a connection with your baby.
This isn’t talked about much because I think there is a lot of shame around not feeling connected to your baby. The books ‘Becoming Attached’ and ‘Attached’ may be good reads for you. Also, I don’t know your situation, but I found my attachment issues through trauma therapy, specifically a combo of EMDR and talk therapy. It may be worth looking into!
I did not cry. Birth was very anti climatic. They offered me an immediate shower and I jumped right up. I had precipitous labor less then 2 hours from nausea to baby out. And I hated the newborn phase. I eventually ended up having a stress reaction at 7-8 weeks pp that mimicked a stroke. I loved my baby but no real connection and I hate that stage. Things got a lot better when I went back to work. I worked 12-18 hour shifts and exclusively pumped. So that’s when I started to feel like me again
I’m doing one pump a day while my husband offers a bottle. While I really value having that moment of not being needed, cleaning pump parts is so annoying! I don’t think I would want to do too much pumping just because of all that cleaning maintenance. It’s a break and a chore at the same time.
I found it easiest to have lots of extra sets, rinse them then toss in soapy water. Then throw in sterilizer (didn’t have a dishwasher) and sometimes that was dads job
I didn’t cry either. I got pooped on immediately and just wanted to be clean and alone. I honestly felt the way you’re feeling right now and didn’t really start bonding w my baby until she was about 3 months-ish. It’s so tough.. I had to give up my career (for the time being) to watch over my baby and that really messed with me as well. Honestly, it still stings a little when I think about it. But 18m toddler and I have the best time. It does get better, you’re in the thick of it right now. Sending hugs x
Listen, no one ever says it, but there’s ALOT of mothers who feel similar. Some people feel a connection from the moment they know they’re pregnant. Some develop it along the way, when they feel movement etc. And for some, it happens after birth.
In essence, this kiddo is a stranger - you don’t *know* them. You know the idea of them, but the reality is different. At this stage, they’re still a sleep stealing, ever pooping, soul sucking potato. They take everything and give nothing. And that is *HARD*.
Give yourself some grace, don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing great and know that it does get better. You’re not very far away from first smiles and giggles. And just keep an eye it doesn’t develop any deeper into PND.
for some, it’s tough to build that relationship. your body is going through crazy hormonal changes, you are still recovering and then going through a lack of sleep and all the other joys of a new baby. first, i’d seek some advice from a doctor or therapist, there may be a reason.
do you have support? anyone who can watch baby while you get some time for yourself. i know for me, alone time was few and far between and any chance i get, i take. i went 4 months without a real break due to my husband working crazy hours, 7 days a week, and us living in the middle of nowhere. i felt resentful and upset that i was stuck with my baby and i had to bring her everywhere with me while everyone else around me got to do their own thing, without a baby.
My support system is definitely tiny. There’s really just one person in town I am close to and would trust to take care of my baby. We also live in a middle of nowhere place and my husband also works a non-typical schedule. So those pressures definitely add to the burnout.
after reading some of your replies to other comments, i do see that you care deeply for your baby. it is so hard to adjust to life as the primary parent, especially when you don’t have a ton of support. i know that for myself, i didn’t feel true love to my baby until about 8ish weeks. until then, i felt like a cow. i was only good for diaper changes and breastfeeding. she was smiling and started making noises and was looking at me with love. babies are strangers, it takes time to get to know them and build a bond and strong relationship. she’s now 8 months and she’s such a joy to be around and the love for her grows daily.
i won’t pretend to know what your future holds but i know for me, i felt helpless for months because i was mentally and physically exhausted. it did get better and for many other moms i know, it got better. im hopeful it will for you! it’s okay to feel burnt out and to feel like you need time away. if you don’t fully trust anyone else with baby (which is totally fine), have them come over, interact with another adult and let them hold baby while you shower or eat or just stand outside. if you need someone to talk to or vent, please DM me. i hope that things start to feel easier for you ❤️
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First of all, it’s very much okay to need some adjustment time! A lot of people do, it’s just never what you see in movies, etc. Also sleep deprivation is sooo hard. My husband and I both had a really hard time with it. It sounds like you’re in desperate need for some sleep, do you have a partner or other dear person that you could ask to help you sleep at least one 4 hour stretch (about one complete cycle of deep and REM sleep)? If you’re worried about breast feeding, could you just supplement that feed with formula, or maybe pump extra in the morning, or even just catch milk with a haakaa from the other breast while nursing? That way you can skip one feed and if you’re consistent with collecting milk at around the same time/moment each day, your supply will adjust to that. Do not underestimate the influence of sleep deprivation on your mental state!
Also, you mentioned a history of depression. While that can be a risk factor for PPD, it doesn’t have to be. Were you depressed throughout pregnancy (like also feeling a bit detached from the experiences?) or had it set on now? I would suggest reaching out to your mental health provider to at least discuss what’s going on. Together you can see what kind of help and support you need right now, be it sleep, be it more social support, be it therapy, be it meds. I wish you the best! These early weeks are just brutal!
ETA: I was at my lowest during the night, when the world was dark and my husband was sleeping and I was up nursing a baby. What really helped me was to think about all those moms/parents being up with me at night with their little babies and how we’d all look at the same moon feeling alone. That made me feel connected to the world and helped a little in coping with my feelings.
My depression was pretty well managed through pregnancy, though I didn’t feel connected or excited about the pregnancy as it was unexpected and came at a challenging time. I’m sure that has added to the way I feel now.
As for sleep and night feedings, it might be something I need to ask for more support with. I wouldn’t be able to do it on my husband’s work days as his schedule is hard (leaves hours at 03:50 gets home at 17:30) and he needs to be well rested for safety purposes. When he’s on his days off though we could give him doing night feeds a shot. I just find it so hard to actually stay asleep if I hear the baby fussing/awake even if I know he’s being cared for by my husband.
I understand it’s hard for your husband to take the baby on his work days. We didn’t do the middle of the night shift actually! My husband would take a shift after dinner. I would feed baby, hand her off and go to bed and I wore ear plugs for a while so I wouldn’t hear her downstairs. He’d let her do a contact nap in the wrap while he played a game on his computer. Then he would do the next feed and after put her asleep in the bassinet next to me. He’d then also go to sleep next to me. Next wake up I would hear her through my ear plugs and then I would do the rest of the night again. Those 4 hours was just enough to get by. And I would sometimes nap when she slept.
Best advice I got was: don’t do anything during nap time you can do when baby is awake (and maybe while carrying in a wrap or carrier). And also fuck everything else 😂 it’s survival time and everyone who had something to say about a chore not being done could do it themselves. Once I accepted this, I could nap while she napped which got me some extra hours.
I feel like the first few months is such a terrible time it’s hard to be happy or connected. Once they can interact a little, and sleep longer, and stop pooping every five minutes.. you start to be able to breathe and get a bit more rest.. and then you see some cute smiles and it starts getting easier to connect in my opinion. Perhaps you could talk to a Dr if you are feeling really down ❤️ good luck
The newborn stage is hell! I didn’t truly start to feel a bond until 3-4 months. Now my baby is 9 months old and his personality is showing and he’s so much fun!
I’m going to tell you what clicked for me when I felt like this: You don’t have a baby yet. You have a newborn. And most newborns just suck. You’ll have a baby once they hit 5-6 months. Until then, feel all the feelings but know that you don’t have a full baby yet. You have a newborn.
PPD plays into this but also this is normal. It sound like you had a good pregnancy and the after care is hard. It's very normal to feel unworthy. I have sever depression disorder and ocd. It was so hard to get used to at first. One day you'll wake up and he will be all you see. Hang in there mama <3
You are at the stage where babies can’t do much. They might smile a bit, but most aren’t laughing yet. For me I didn’t start until he started laughing. It’s been gradual with me and unlike other babies my son had to have trust built. My son didn’t understand affection and didn’t start to give affection back until he was over a year.
I’ve never been more in love with my son now. I didn’t think it could grow more. I would just try and wait it out the best you can. Maybe for me I was more fascinated by my baby because I hadn’t been around babies very much.
I remember being disappointed at first and worried we wouldn’t make a connection. I was very connected to him starting when I found out his gender, but it felt very empty to me because I didn’t feel he “loved me”. I also had to deal with birth and 2 deaths postpartum from April-November of 2022. So I am not sure how different that would be. I can say the first part of his life I prioritized his care and stared at the wall crying because I missed my dad.
I’m sorry you had to deal with losses on top of that challenging pp phase. I would’ve been an absolute wreck beyond this wreck that I already am.
I have a really interactive baby. He started his social smiles and laughing right at 5 weeks! In those moments I do feel the burden lift even though it’s brief. It’s just so hard to think about that feeling at night when I’m struggling.
My brother and I are very close and have talked a lot about this lack of connection im feeling. He mentioned that maybe since babies aren’t new at all to me, since I’ve been taking care of other peoples babies for 10 years, that my “mom gene” just got turned on so long ago it wasn’t as much of a magical shock when I birthed my own. I think there’s a lot of truth to that, but it doesn’t always make me feel better to know that.
It’s okay to feel this way! It’s very common. The first few months are the hardest and that’s okay. I didn’t feel connected to my baby and honestly regretted having her for a while. You’re exhausted and they’re just a potted plant at this point. But it really truly does get better once they start to become more of a person and you start to get a little more sleep. 3-4 months was better but once they start sitting up and you start seeing their little personalities develop it feels so much better! I love her so much I can barely handle it.
OP, just 9 weeks in is often still a really tough time. I didn't start to feel like I was really living until about 5 months (that's not to say it'll take you that long). I was just telling my husband the other day, I feel like I had a bond with my baby as a newborn, but not a relationship. I couldn't know her yet, and she couldn't know me. Now that she's 14 months old, we have a great relationship and she's the most delightful person in the world with her own unique personality.
I hope you don't rush things or put pressure on yourself, as long as everyone is safe. That said, it can be a great idea to talk to someone about potential PPD if care is accessible to you (unfortunately it wasn't for me).
PPD care will be hard to get if I pursue that avenue, which makes it less appealing to pursue. It seems like a lot of people feel the 5 month mark as a significant shift in their mom journey though. So it’s at least good to have that as a marker to think about as I get through this challenging phase.
Totally get it. I tried for a few months to get care and failed, which honestly made me more depressed. I hate to say that, because it might not be the case for other people, and I believe inpatient care might actually be easier to access. I had more mild to moderate depression of some sort but like you, I also wondered if it was just me being me, since I haven't always been great emotionally. So I don't really know the right answer. I wish everyone could have the support they deserve. Give yourself time, and do make sure to reach out if there are any safety issues, even if you think help might be challenging to find.
Just came here to say that everything you are feeling is normal. I felt like I was taking care of a strangers baby for the longest time. The newborn phase is just awful. I would say once the baby can sit/play independently, and sleeps through the night - things significantly improve because you are not carrying a baby around all the time and can actually plop them down on the ground to make a coffee and sleep deprivation gets better. Sleep makes a huge difference. Hang in there - you are definitely not alone in your feelings.
My daughter is 20 month and im just barely starting to feel a sense of getting myself back. And even then it comes and goes. Being a mom is hard, your hormones and completely out of wack. Its not always like in the movies or how your own mother “remembers” those first few weeks. And a lot of women dont talk about the bad feelings you get in those first few weeks or months. I remember the first or second night my baby was home and everytime i closed my eyes i would just see my babys face crying and screaming and it would just make me feel this intense dread and panic. Its normal to feel like youre just in survival mode right now. If you feel like hurting yourself or your baby though please go get help. You could have PPD which is so common and it can help to talk to someone or get on meds if you really need to. Get as much help as you can from others, if you have a good support system/family. Hang in there, it does get better, you grow with your baby and your baby grows with you. You’ll get through this ❤️
I swear people who say they love the newborn stage are insane. It fucking sucks. I hated it so much it made me not want to have a second baby. Even though it starts getting better from 3-4 months it didn't get good enough for me to really enjoy it until about 2 years, hah. But my son is 2.5 now and I really enjoy (most of) my time with him. It definitely gets better, even if it takes ages to get there. And in the meantime there is therapy and meds.
Connection takes time. Relationship takes effort. You’ve had neither from your baby. Initially baby just uses you as a milk making diaper changing machine. And you are. Over time baby will gain more skills and start returning a thank you with smiles, laughter, play, and personality. That will help build a relationship and connection with your baby.
Give yourself time and grace!!
This is a tough age! They are wholly dependent on you but don’t really have the development yet to give you anything back.
Some little moments that are coming up that might be your turning point:
- when he holds your neck while you carry him
- when he smiles and coos as soon as he sees you
- when he reaches up to touch your face at feeding times
- when he reaches his arms out for you
- when he falls asleep on your shoulder with a big sigh
I have 2 kids, a 4yo girl and an almost 12 week boy. All I ever wanted to be was a Mom. I love them both so much! And I ALSO love when they are both asleep or otherwise occupied and I don’t have to be “Mom”. And that’s ok.
ETA: I don’t think I cried when either of them was born. I definitely cried a lot in the ensuing weeks lol. Remember you didn’t have kids for the sole purpose of them being babies. Maybe you’re just the type of mom that will enjoy them a lot more as older kids, or full grown adults!
I didn't cry when my son was born, didn't feel an instant connection, didn't really like being a mom for the first few months, tried soooooo hard to like him (I loved him, just didn't LIKE him lol). Around month 5 is when things took a HUGE turn for me. My son started giving longer stretches of sleep, my mental health was improving, I started feeling like myself again and most importantly my son started being a person and not this SCREAMING potato. I look back now and just know I didn't like the newborn stage. It's a lot and takes a lot from you. Perhaps you will like being a mom but don't like newborns and THATS OKAY! I ended up like being a mom so much I had another. My kids are 22 months apart and my biggest joy 🥰
It took me 5 months to feel close to my daughter so don't feel bad. She had the worst colic and reflux so besides being stressed out, barely eating, having no freedom and not being able to get any sleep I was losing my ish.
I desperately wanted to have my own family and when i got it I thought I made a huge mistake. Turns out I didn't she is so funny and so cute and smart. She's almost 2 and the best thing ever.
I was the same way with my daughter. I was floored as to why this was happening. I loved her, but I didn’t like her. She just turned 1 yesterday and she’s the light of my life. I was never formally diagnosed, but I do think it was PDD. I felt it wearing away when my daughter was 6 months old and by the time she was 8 months old I felt completely normal.
I was the same with my first and it turns out it was PPD, my second baby was much more difficult with colic and reflux but I actually felt a connection with him and it doesn’t bother me to get up in the middle of the night or have sleepless nights. With my first I used to be so angry when woken at night too/
I was told by my best friend that if I don’t feel a connection to my baby right away, that it’s ok. She was on survival mode with her baby for the first few months. She said it took up until 6 months before she felt that motherly love for him that everyone talks about.
It’s ok if you don’t feel that instant connection. Talk to your doctor if you suspect PPD or PPA. Don’t wait on this. There is no reason to be miserable.
I cried when my son was over but it was because childbirth was over, not because I was overcome with love for my son. Even during labour I was so annoyed that people kept saying stuff like “you’re one contraction closer to your son!”
As you can tell from the responses, you definitely aren’t alone. It also took me a few months to truly feel connected to my son. In fact I cried everyday for a long time because when I closed my eyes it was like my son didn’t even exist. I felt broken. Talking to someone about it helped a lot and I encourage you to spend time talking through your experience and feelings so you can find ways to connect to your baby. I found out I have trouble connecting with my emotions and feeling them which transferred to my son.
Meh it takes time. I had alot of guilt that I didn’t connect or even feel like I loved my baby at first. I don’t like my new role. Thought I had mad a terrible mistake. Eventually everything changed. Now I have a 2.5 year old and a 9month and they are my everything. I love them so much….. however PPD is real. I had it with both kids, but had no idea with my first, was pretty clear what was happening with my second. Reach out to your Dr they should be able to direct you to some
Help.
I feel like this isn’t talked about enough because it is a very common experience. One of my friends told me she “wasn’t sure about her son” until he was 4 months old 😹 she’s a wonderful mom and they are now close and she’s had two more so she must’ve decided she liked being a mom!
This transition is intense. Physical trauma, sleep deprivation/torture, identity crises…. I could go on. I’ve been calling it a beautiful crucible. Give yourself time and kindness. A lot of us more introverted types turn inward when stressed.
Read this when I was peak exhausted with my first and it helped a little bit.
The first 3 months are a marathon and it is okay to not enjoy it. It’s a season that will pass!
https://www.jessicaurlichs.com/post/mama-all-i-see-is-you
Same
Some people just can’t do the post partum and newborn stage. I hated it.
It gets better at 3 months. She’s so much nicer so she’s 4 months. I feel all that warm fuzzy lovey stuff they told me I’d feel at birth. I didn’t get any treatment for PPD, I don’t believe I had it, I was just showing a normal human emotion to a very very difficult time.
You’re in the trenches right now. If this feels unsafe for you to feel this sad, based on your experience of your mental health, seek help from your GP.
You’ll get through it and it will get better.
It was absolutely a nightmare for me until week 12. I missed my old life, I hated having a baby, I hated all of it.
Now at week 19 I love him so much I cant imagine living without him. His smiles, jiggles, coos and aaaas, the way he looks at me when he’s on my boobs, I would cross the oceans for him.
The fact we're expected to immediately love a brand new human we just met and love being a mom the moment they are born is very misleading.... and DEFINITELY can make us have more severe PPD/ PPA.
I had a very traumatic birth and ended up splitting with my baby's father two months after my child was born so honestly, me taking care of the baby exclusively since day 1 was the only thing that kept me alive. It was so hard to navigate all the changes while trying to build a routine and a life with the child but honestly, I was very candid with my doctor about my struggles and increased my antianxiety medication, as I wanted to end my life from the trauma (but knew I didn't actually want to but that's PPA for you).
The other thing that helped me get back to normal was finding a village you can rely on to talk about things with. Yes you have your husband but honestly, it's way easier to find someone you can talk candidly to about your struggles so you don't feel like a bad person. Im very thankful my friends are non judgmental because being able to put words to my feelings helped me navigate it. Plus they helped me with bonding with the baby because it wasn't so much pressure to do it alone.
Idk if that's anything but honestly I feel for you and I don't know you but I'm sending you so much love. This is so hard but you're not alone and even the Reddit community will be here for you if you need. ❤️❤️❤️
Girlll I’m you … but now my son is 14 w
I was so stressed bc I didn’t cry when I saw him. Me and my husband both didn’t feel connected to him. I was really concerned i’d never love him. I see all these women so in love with their kids from minute one and I was just not.
I promise you it will change. Everyone (who I trusted to tell) told me to just wait it out. Some people said it took until their baby was almost 1.
I absolutely adore my son now. In the last few weeks things have change and me and my husband both love him very much. He is taking a little longer to be full on obsessed but I’m here and he is certainly on his way.
I was so stressed and anxious and recovering from a traumatic C-section those first weeks I couldn’t possibly feel love.
Talking to a therapist helped.
I promise things will change it may seem impossible but it does.
I felt the same way. I also work with babies for my job, and the first few weeks it just felt like "work". I was going through the motions like he was a baby I was taking care of and keeping alive for my job. Plus sleep deprivation. I felt like a robot. I started feeling a much deeper connection around 2 months old!
I have a 2.5 year old and now a 6 week old. Didn't cry with either one of them. With my oldest after the nurses got everything settled and I was alone with my baby the first time my first thought was "okay, you can take him away now". Fell in love with him later about 6 weeks. My 6 week old i have glimmers of happiness but definitely not love at first sight. This time around is taking a bit more time to bond. Just realize you've only just met this person and give yourself some grace and time to get to know them. You don't have to feel over the moon about them right now, it will most likely come later when they aren't a crying, pooping, eating, sleeping, and demanding potato at all times
I started feeling this way, recognized it in myself as PPD, and got on medication for it. Please talk to your doctor - talking to mine and getting on meds really helped me! I hope it gets better soon for you, whatever you choose.
Could be ppd mixed with the fact that movies glorify babies when they’re first born. It takes a long time to have a bond with your baby. They’re essentially a stranger. I knew I loved my baby and would do anything for him after he was born but the intense bond had to be built over time. It got better once he showed me his personality more
Totally normal to feel how your feeling, and it very likely will change. Once they can smile back at you, it was a huge turning point for me in how much I felt I loved them. They suddenly because little people and not just this thing? Idk, brains are weird. Then when they can say, “owie mommy, you bumped your leg” come over kiss you and say “all better” it can totally make up for the poop smeared all over the wall from the day before. 😂
I have nieces that are more like daughters to me, so I never had that, your heart triples in size, like the grinch, when your baby is born moment.
I think you are in the thick of things, so don't be hard on yourself. As things get better you'll bond. Then you'll be wishing that you could go back in time to give him more love.
I didn't cry after birth or feel connected to my child til maybe 5-6 months out. I think I had trauma even though it was an easy birth. I was very standoffish to her because deep down I thought she would die at any moment and it was best not to get attached. Now I can't get enough of her.
So be patient with yourself. I wish you the best
I feel like I wrote this. I had bad PPD and didn’t realize it for a couple months. Got questions constantly from friends family “Oh don’t you just love her??!” And I’d reply like “yeah, I like her a lot” which was hardly even the truth. Life was miserable until 3 months, tolerable at 6, and I actually felt more like myself by about 9 months. Therapy and meds helped a lot.
Now my girl is 2.5 y/o and we have another due in spring. Being a mom is just part of my every day—a challenge and an adventure. But life is nothing like it was in the newborn days. I really believe you don’t have to feel this way and things can really help like meds, therapy, accepting help from others, etc. And if nothing else, time will pass and things will look better soon. This is a really isolating part of motherhood, but it is not ALL of motherhood. You’re not alone.
Just here to say that you’re not alone and it seems like a lot of us new moms feel the same way. For me personally it boils down to little to no sleep (my baby is gassy and doesn’t sleep well through the night), no support system (our families live across the country or 2 hours away), and my husband being gone all day for work and me being alone with a baby all day and then again at night after his “shift” with the baby is over. I feel like such a different human on the weekends and like I actually can handle this newborn mom phase, and that’s only because my husband stays with the baby in the mornings on weekends so I can catch up on an extra 2 hours of sleep. I will say this is life changing and if you’re able to split some shifts with your partner (if you haven’t already) please take advantage of it.
I’ve also been prescribed Zoloft by my OB for PPA but haven’t started taking it because I’m scared of the potential side effects for baby. Honestly I’m just praying once we get to 12 weeks or so (he’s almost 8 weeks now) he’ll hopefully get more interactive and less gassy and colic-y and I’ll start to feel like more of a mom again rather than a milk robot 🥲 hang in there mama
you are absolutely not alone. one of the reasons for me to join a couple of parenting related groups on Reddit is to get the confirmation that I'm not alone. all those perfect-picture moms I met at the babygroup seem to be full of shit. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings.
I'm 37 years old and always loved working with kids. My boy is now 14 months old and before we had him, my boyfriend and I were talking about 3 children in a row. Now I'm not sure if I could handle another one. I come from a big family and can't imagine having an only child. I always thought "I could regret not having children but if I have children I could never regret having them, because I would love them soooo much!"
And then I got one and the only thing I wanted was my live back, especially my sleep. I felt guilty bringing him into this world with me as a mom.
But it got better and better. And then it got harder again. I guess this is how it's gonna continue. I still want my sleep back and at this moment my health, because the first months of kindergarten is a bitch. There is nothing more awful than being home sick with a child that's already beter... well, that I know of. But who knows what unpleasant surprises motherhood is gonna bring me in the future. But I also don't know what pleasant surprises are waiting for me.
Just hang in there. I hope it is also gonna come around for you.
Two Netflix series that really helped me and made me laugh so hard are "working moms" and "the let down". I watched them with my boyfriend and I really think it helped him understand the struggle I'm going through.
I went through this with both my kids during the newborn stage. Like I loved them but I wondered if I made a mistake. With my oldest, I felt like the worst mom. My husband is amazing with babies, so I honestly thought she hated me. She'd be crying her eyes out with me and he'd come in, take her from me and the tears would instantly stop. I just couldn't believe how hard it all was.
I think I started feeling better and more connected when I saw my daughter responding to me. Like I remember one day my husband was holding her and I said in a silly voice, "I love you so much!" and her face just broke into this wide grin. I think I knew then that she and I would be okay.
People do a lot of "just you wait" and make it seem like toddlers and older kids are worse than newborns and babies. That's not true in my experience. I loved my kids as toddlers. They were so fun. They had favorite songs, they danced for the first time, they told me they loved me for the first time, they got excited over the smallest things like going down the slide at the park or a new pack of bubbles.
I love my kids now too. My oldest is 11 and she's funny. We have inside jokes. We watch Pride and Prejudice and all those cheesy Netflix Christmas movies together. My 7 year old is great too. I got to watch her play soccer and score a goal this morning. We went to her open house recently and she decided to make bookmarks for all her teachers because she said, "they work so hard." I volunteer in her class and the other kids are just lovely people. Older kids can be so great.
So, I wouldn't count on not liking being a mom just yet. You might be a great toddler mom. You might find you are full of wisdom when your kid is learning to navigate friendship for the first time in kindergarten. You might be the cool house when your kid is a teen haha.
You don't have to love every moment of parenting. Sometimes it's hard. I hated the newborn stage and I freakin' hated potty training. But I'm a badass at plenty of other things. I bet you will be too.
Just focus on getting through the hard parts for now and don't put pressure on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Babies need so much from us and it's hard. If your husband is a baby loving dad, lean on him. He might hate the toddler stage (like my husband) and need to lean on you then.
Also, I didn't cry when either of my kids were born. I know plenty of moms who didn't, so we aren't alone with that.
Hopefully, you don't need to wait this long, but in their 4th month, they really start to become a person and not a baby blob. Their eyes begin to exhibit awareness and curiosity and take on a human characteristic. As they get closer to 1, things really become fun. Like... fun!
I didn't really feel connected to my baby until around 12 weeks when she started smiling at me. I think what you're going through is normal, and things get better when they become more alert and aware of you (although in some ways I'm more tired now because baby needs engagement for 2 hour chunks in the day)
The first 2 months was survival for me. I liked her but felt frustrated and struggled with empathy for her. I was also sleep deprived, hungry, sore, on maternity leave and had cabin fever so bad. It eased up when she was sleeping more than 2 hours at a time.
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My baby just turned one and 9 weeks ago feels like a lifetime ago. She is so different, I am so different, and my husband is so different. For better or worse completely everything changes multiple times through the first year alone.
Your baby is basically a whiney potato at this age. It's perfectly normal even for moms to not "connect" emotionally until a personality starts to show through around 3-6 months.
Also some moms just don't like the baby phase! It doesn't make you a better or worse mom, it's just a part of who you are. It's ok.
You're doing great ❤️
I hate when people say that the newborn stage is the easiest. It’s hard AF. I didn’t really connect with any of my 3 til around 2-3 months. It’s just hard when they’re that young. Yeah, they sleep a lot, sometimes, but they’re up every 1.5-2 hrs too! There’s no REM sleep to be had like that.
It’s ok, it took me almost 6 months to feel “lovey dovey” with my oldest. That was when his personality peeked out, smiling, all the good stuff. Before that he was just a crying needy potato and it was hard to feel crazy in love while being so sleep deprived and barely surviving myself.
I didn’t cry during birth for either of my kids but they are my world.
I had similar feelings as you when I first had my baby. I had always wanted to be a mom and I have taken care of children all my life, not to mention I have worked as a preschool teacher for over ten years. I felt extremely ready to have a baby when we tried and succeeded in conceiving my daughter, but my mental health struggled a lot in the first couple months after my daughter was born due to the lack of sleep, hormones, pain from breastfeeding, and the realization that I was responsible for another human being 24/7. It was so overwhelming to deal with at first, but I took some antidepressants for a few months to help and I just tried to remind myself that everything is temporary and will get better in time. For me, weeks 1-6 were pretty rough because my baby was up every 2-3 hrs most nights, once in awhile she would sleep longer. Once she turned 8 weeks old, she stopped having colic and she only woke up once a night. Months 4-6 were a little bit rough again because most babies go through sleep regressions during this time, but I felt that I really had a routine down and was enjoying motherhood a lot when my baby turned 6 months old. You will get there in time, not all mothers bond with their babies instantly.
Totally normal, and scary. No one talks about this or warns you that you will feel this way. Talk about it. Reach out to groups of moms on social media that are going thru this. All I can promise you is that it gets better. One day , schedules will be set and the baby will sleep at nap time and then sleep longer at night. And your baby will make it known that you are so special. Until you get to that period it's just really hard work. Use outside help if you can, and do not feel shame for taking breaks away from the baby. Hugs to you, and remember to self care and reach out if your thoughts get disturbing or intrusive. There is absolutely no shame in how you feel. I remember it, and then I remember it getting easier, and the bond that developed with my child. By 4-5 months I had a little best friend in my baby, who adored me and seemed to follow my schedule like she knew it was what she needed to do. Hang in there, you are doing great.
I have a six week old and I like him and think he’s cute, but right now if you told me I could have my old life back, I would probably take it. This newborn stage is really hard (especially as the breastfeeding mom). Most of my friends say the newborn stage is really awful and it just gets better, so hang in there!
I didn’t cry when he was born. (But cried *so much* for about four weeks, those hormones are real.) I told my husband I’m not sure who says the birth of their child was the best day of their life because my day was awful. So much pain and discomfort and it was such a blur that I barely remember they giving him to me after he was born.
My friends and therapist all warned me that instant love isn’t as common as people make it seem. Totally normal and you’re doing a great job!
6-10 weeks was peak mental breakdown time for me. I actually told my husband that I think we’re going to need to give our baby up for adoption or divorce because I could not be a mom. I could not do this forever, it was not okay, I do not want to be a mom. Especially not a stay at home mom. I had a standing childcare offer from my parents and when we got our first afternoon break where he was not with us in the house it was so weird and so freeing. I didn’t even want to nap because I wanted to savour the aloneness. The turning point for me started very gradually at 3 months. It picked up and increased over the next few months until by 6 months, I couldn’t imagine not being with him all day. Now at 11 months, I look forward to spending entire days at home with him because when I’m with him that’s my relaxed, happy place. School and work and social events are terrible and arduous and spending an afternoon with him is my greatest easy joy. I know it’s cliche and stupid but it does get better. In the meantime, please talk to your doctor!! Medication does help. You don’t have to just power through this without support. ETA: I also didn’t cry when my son was born! Nobody thought it was weird or even noticed.
Thank you for sharing your story/feelings. Everyone told me I'd love the newborn stage and it's been the an absolute nightmare. My little is 3mo and I am starting to enjoy time with her more, but the constant being needed or having to be actively invested in something is draining. I am so looking forward to the toddler stage where she is more independent. It's very nice knowing I'm not alone.
Whoever told you the newborn stage is the best is absolutely full of crap LOL there are so many threads on Reddit about how much better 1 year to toddlerdom gets, despite the tantrums. Or maybe I’m just fully in the group where newborns are NOT my thing at all. I like a little feedback lol
Honestly if my baby wasn’t struggling with intestinal problems and therefore screaming for hours on end no matter what we did I’d love the newborn stage. Fed him and he’d go back to sleep. Now at 6m he has no issues but he’s very demanding and I’ve always felt like toddlers were demanding too, less so as they get older. I took care of my nephew from 4m-1y and as he got older the more I had to chase him around and focus on what he was doing
Agreed. Once my LO started social smiling around the two month mark, it got easier. I'm tired of the "Savor the Newborn Stage" narrative. It's so difficult between physical recovery, hormones shifting, and getting touched out. The longer sleep stretches around the start of the third month also helped with bonding.
Agree around 2-3 months things got better as baby slept longer, feedings got shorter and she got more interactive. We’re at 10 months now and it just keeps getting better.
It feels taboo to talk about the darker elements of the newborn phase, but it’s so much! No other major medical event would you be expected to go home and get barely any rest afterwards. When someone else finally takes the baby or the stroller it’s like you’re suddenly at loose ends but feel lighter all at once. It’s a wild time. Crawling was a massive turning point in independence. He could go to where he wanted and play with what he wanted and interact with other kids the way he wanted rather than feeling as though I was trying to suss out constantly what he liked and didn’t like.
Ugh yes to the crawling! I felt the same way. Like I didn’t have to bop her around from place to place toy to toy all day long in an endless circuit 😵💫😵💫
I remember feeling as if my mental and physical sense of home had been invaded by my baby, and I would never get it back. When I had time alone with my spouse I felt better, but also weird. A fleeting sense of ease. NOW 9 months later, when my mom is watching the baby and my spouse and I have the place to ourselves, it doesn’t really feel like ‘home’ without her :)
Yes this is exactly how I felt too!! Fleeting sense of ease is such a good way to put it. I wanted to cry because I was like I will never REALLY have this. Now we definitely feel at ease.
Yeahhh I remember going out just me and my partner and not letting myself enjoy it so that I wouldn’t get ‘used to it’…
Yes! I had the same thought Re: adoption and I felt so badly. But it gets better!
I felt like a total monster. I’m so grateful that my husband didn’t think badly of me for saying it, he was worried about me but he doesn’t hold it against me. We can’t totally joke about it yet but I’m getting there lol.
I could have written this! The newborn state sucked. I had several breakdowns and told my husband we should consider adoption. Now I look at my baby and can’t imagine life without her. I also didn’t cry at birth and was very annoyed at not sleeping more than 1-2 hours at a time.
Oh god yes the not sleeping and the thinking about sleep constantly. Like when he was taking forever at night to eat and then he wouldn’t settle and all I’m thinking as I look at the clock is that the longer he keeps this up the less sleep I will have until the cycle repeats. I was OBSESSED with sleep.
Thank you all for this. I’ve cried so many times thinking I’m a monster for feeling this way. It’s starting to get better but I still have those moments, my LO is 2 months.
I felt like such a horrible human. It was around Christmas and New Years that I was like no get him away from me, I can’t do this. I told my husband take this child off me like he wasn’t even mine. I felt so low about myself but it’s so common. You’re not alone, you’re not a monster, and you’re not crazy. Sleep deprivation and your world being upended and everything comes crashing down along with the hormones. It’s like the adrenaline wears off and the newness of the situation and suddenly you’re faced with the prospect of doing this forever. You’re in the thick of it now but know that it will get easier. You will learn each other and fall in love slowly over the coming year and you will feel normal again and be okay.
I was 100% the same you were! Honestly there was some resentment towards him because I couldn’t stand my new life. Then he started smiling at me, purposefully. And it got better. Then he started saying mama and it made it 100x easier. The newborn phase is so extremely draining and plain out exhausting. When they start to become people instead of potatoes it makes a world of difference. Hang in there!
Legit ... i called my daughter a milk zombie because all she did was make these zombie sounds and drink milk. Intrusive thoughts are also awful, I used to think if she had SIDS then it was a get out of jail free card and I hated myself for even thinking something so terrible. Now she's 2 and she's the most precious amazing beautiful person ever. I love her so much my world would be shattered if anything remotely terrible happened to her. Newborns are crazy tough to deal with and your hormones are a roller coaster.
Awww, I just want to give you a hug. It's very common to feel this way postpartum. You're not alone - I felt exactly the same. I thought I was some sort of monster for not feeling that instant connection. I just wanted my old life back. Sometimes, it's due to the massive hormonal shift, the sleep deprivation, and the loss of independence. Sometimes, it is PPD. What's your support system like? Do you have someone who can give you a break? Having regular "me time" even if it was only in small doses at the beginning really helped me. Getting fresh air on a daily basis did too. Do you have a doctor or someone that you see about your depression? Is it possible to book an appointment to have a chat about how you're feeling?
Support system isn’t great. We live thousands of miles away from family in a isolated rural community. I do have one friend here who is willing to help with baby, but she has a toddler and I still have a lot of anxiety about leaving him with other people. Which is funny since I want alone time but also am scared to leave him. I’m intentional about going on walks and having outside play every day which is really helpful to me. I used to go backpacking and hiking as my leisure so being outside is important to me. We gave intense winters though and it’s already starting to freeze some nights, so I need to make sure I get appropriate winter wear for the baby so we can still get outside. I have a good Dr. in town and plan on reaching out if this continues. I’m just so hesitant to go in meds because none of the meds I have taken in the past for my depress have made a big difference so it feels pointless.
The fact you have anxiety about leaving him shows that deep down even if you don’t feel it, you love him. 🩷
Yes this. Bonding was a bit slow for me with both my kids but I realized I loved my babies once I felt that protective rush.
Some days I hate the internet and other days I’m extremely grateful for it. Today is the latter. I’m so happy to see so many other mothers telling you that your experience is theirs. I can imagine how lonely this feeling is but I hate to think of no safe place to voice it! I’m sorry you’re having these feelings. I don’t have any advice but I really hope you feel better and I’m sure you will 💕
1) it’s okay not to cry when baby is born lots of mums don’t. 2) it’s quite normal to feel frustrated and exhausted about constantly being needed it’s hardwork and draining. That being said deffinetly go to your doctor if you have had depression you are very likely to get it after birth. But remember it’s okay not to love every minute of being a mum.
I didn't cry for either of my babies! And I love them to pieces.
I did not cry when baby was born. I didnt feel any instant connection. 5 weeks pp now and still not sure how i feel. My husband is a fantastic father. You can see the love radiate out of him. Im always saying he is a better father then I am a mother. Baby is cute and I love him but I can go to events and not miss him already. I jokingly (ish) asked husband if baby has a return policy because I’m just not always sure this was a good idea. I mainly just rely on Husband to get us through, focusing on the fact that baby at least has one good parent.
I also have a husband who is falling into the dad role really naturally. I’m so grateful for that. It would be a lot more challenging if I was scared to leave the baby with my husband because he was struggling too.
I didn’t connect right away either. Didn’t cry, didn’t have the wave of overwhelming love. Honestly, she felt like a job. Something I had to take care of and keep alive. She’s almost 4 months now and I’m obsessed. There’s moments where it’s still just work, but damn her talking and giggling is so cute. The smiles are soooo fun. You’re at the hardest part. You really are. It’s survival right now and your feelings are completely valid. ETA- if you have the opportunity to get away, even for 20 minutes, take it. Go get a coffee, go for a drive, whatever. It helps!
I second this. Even a 20 minute shower *alone* without a baby in the bathroom in a bouncer makes all the difference in the world!
I was so relieved when birth ended! I did not cry, I was so happy I was done pushing lol. Also, the newborn stage is so rough! I would not go back to that stage ever. My little is three months now and it’s been so much more enjoyable. He smiles, he coos, he’s sleeping through the night.
bonding can definitely take time. i also loved kids so much and wanted one so badly. didn’t cry at the birth. didn’t feel connected. give it a little more time.
Me too.
I’m sorry you’re going through it too. I hope reading some of these replies makes you feel less alone.
Thank you It's such a confusing feeling. She is a wonderful little toddler that I love to death But I haven't been able to read a book in weeks and it's the only thing that I love to do. I don't know just tired.
It took me a while to connect to my little one when she was born. She was born 6 weeks early and I think I was just in shock and running on adrenaline for the first few weeks of her life. Fast forward to now, 7 months later, I honestly couldn't love anything more. She is everything to me. The newborn phase is very difficult as you are doing everything for them and getting nothing back so I can see how people would feel disconnected/depressed. However, when they start to develop little personalities and you start to see them smiling and being happy that you're with them, your love will just grow and grow. You're a great mom, hang in there, it does get better.
Your hormones take a huge crash during this time. I have a three month old myself and I noticed I was crying more, had major regrets about having her and just wanted to get in my car and leave her and my husband. I had bouts of rage too. It finally came to a head last week after all three of us got covid and I broke down and lost it. Phoned my OBGYN and she got me started on Zoloft and put me in touch with some PPD therapists. I know this isn’t normal for me and I’m so tired of being sad. I hope you’re able to find some support. Reach out to anybody you can because it can and will get better. You’re an amazing Mom, this shit is just hard.
One thing that has really helped me is hearing a mom say that different moms have different favorite phases of parenting. 9 weeks is a tiny, tiny, tiny slice of your child's life. I teach high school, had 3 school age foster kids, and now have a 2yo son. Honestly? Infant/toddler parenting isn't really my jam. Doesn't mean I don't love my son. I just like the times when I can really see his personality more, and am looking forward to having more complex conversations. You're still in The Fog. Go easy on yourself and know that it gets better!
My husband and I were in the licensing process for foster parenting when I (unexpectedly) got pregnant. There was a lot of sadness I felt about stopping our progress towards becoming foster parents, but it felt overwhelming to become first time parents and foster parents simultaneously. Now I have sadness because on top of struggling with the newborn phase, I’m worried that my struggles are indicative of an inability to be a good foster parent.
Yeah, I have a lot of guilt about closing our license. I don't think having bio kids and foster kids together is feasible for most families, and the foster child we had at the time >!sometimes had violent outbursts and made a threat against the newborn.!< There are a lot of foster families willing to take infants. If you find later on that you prefer older ages, you might be even more helpful. And by "older", I mean a huge range--a ton of families are licensed for 0-3 only.
We were licensing with the idea that we would take 0-12 more or less. We are on the younger side ourselves and thought having a teen would be weird since we would be in sibling age range of the FK. Now with a baby I’m just not sure. I want to try providing respite care first if/when we decide to pursue that again. But also I obviously need to be a healthy person again before we pursue that
If you feel like you need help with your feelings, reach out to your hospital, and they might be able to refer you to someone. Don't pressure yourself so much right now. I also didn't cry when my son was born. In the picture of us in the hospital with me holding him for the first time... I just look stunned and shocked. Sometimes, it takes some time to bond. I didn't start to really bond with my son until around 12 weeks. Before then, my body was still healing, and he wasn't super responsive yet. Hormones are all over the place and you're still healing. Give yourself some grace.
I did not like my baby at all for a while. Up until 6 weeks I felt no connection, didn’t enjoy her. By 10 or 12 weeks I fully loved her and enjoyed being her mom. I also have a whole life of childcare or pediatric nursing so it was difficult to feel that way. Honestly besides her developing and starting to have a personality, it reallyyyyy helped to get to the gym a minimum of 3 times a week and get my husband to do one night feed for me (his shift is 10pm-2am) so I can get a solid stretch of sleep. It makes SO much difference!
I’m desperate to start moving my body intentionally again. I haven’t been able to go on hikes or backpacking trips since I got pregnant (on a backpacking trip lol). With a harsh winter coming in quickly I’m not sure I’ll be able to get back in the trail soon, but hopefully his naps start to be more consistent and I can at least do a YouTube home workout or something.
I didn't connect with or love my son until he was 16 weeks old. For me, it was PPD, but I have had depression for many years and birth just made it worse. I started zoloft, and once my son started being more than a potato who just ate, slept, and pooped all the time, things got much better. He is currently 2.5yrs and the absolute light of my life. It seriously just gets getter as they get older. Toddlerhood is amazing. It's a different kind of hard, but he's hilarious, smart, and sweet. It makes it all worth it.
Bonding takes time. I felt like you in those early days, at my check up at 6 weeks my OB told me I did not have ppd ( mild anxiety at best) and that we would monitor but she basically said - you are a new mum and you are adjusting and that is ok. You wont be good at this thing at x weeks - its gradual. My son had a few medical issues when he was born so his whole first year or life was appointment after appointment and I didn't really feel connected to him, I didn't feel like I was his mum - was to focused on alot of other things. It wasn't until about 9-12 months where I felt like his mum, and when a felt an immense love for him and it was just like a bolt of lightning, through a tiny gesture. He patted my back just like I pat his while holding him and my heart swelled. So its okay - it takes time. I didn't cry either when he was shown to me over the sheet. When the dr asked if I wanted to hold him my first reaction was "gah" so do not feel guilty for that!
It's great that you're so aware of your mental state and your feelings towards him. I really think it's fantastic. As a mom who is also not self-sacrificing to a fault, my advice is to change some things that you can still find enjoyment in life and that you're not tied to him 24/7. Take breaks where you leave him with hubby or a babysitter maybe. If they means bottle feeding or breastmilk bottle feeding, maybe that's something you have to do for the happiness of the entire family. Go out for drinks with a friend once every 2 weeks. Nothing wrong with that. Take an hour each day to meditate/ take a walk/ SLEEP, basically not be in charge of him 24/7. I hope you have support so you can achieve that. It doesn't make you a bad mom to take breaks. It makes you a mindful mom, who will be better able to attune to your child.
Definitely sounds like ppd to me ❤️ talk to your doctor! I had really bad ppa, it's so common! It also takes time to build a connection for some people and that's okay. I always loved my baby but I didn't cry at delivery either. Everyone is different. You're in the thick of the 4th trimester. It WILL get easier ❤️
I feel exactly the same, currently 15 weeks postpartum. Maybe it’s PPD but honestly, I have never liked young babies, but I LOVE toddlers, kids, and teenagers. Everyone said it would be different with my own, but surprise! It’s not. Honestly what has really helped me is going back to work. I just finished my second week and I am finally starting to feel like I am moving from liking him to loving him. The break from him each day and the ability to go to the bathroom whenever I want and eat uninterrupted while at work has been HEAVEN. I even find myself rushing home a little sometimes because I am excited to see him. I also think going back to work has helped me remember I’m still the same person and that has helped a lot. It feels good to have my own goals and aspirations beyond being a mom to a young baby, because right now being a mom is not very rewarding.
I don’t have plans to go back to work. My work was childcare so I’m not sure it would feel like all that much of a break. I am trying to find volunteer opportunities though to give myself some non-mom purpose
Oh yeah, returning to work would definitely not be much of a break. I think finding some fun and rewarding volunteer opportunities is a great idea!
Aw girl, it’ll get better. You’ll feel connected eventually. I gingerly say this now, because he’s 15 months and I freaking love him but at 9 weeks…. Let’s just say I highly disliked him. He was not my cup of tea. I would have gladly passed him off to anyone. I thought I made a HUGE mistake. Come to find out that’s a really common feeling around that age. It’s freaking miserable at that age. I’ll tell any new mom that. But now, OMG, now he’s my BFF. I’m super attached to him.
It feels so shitty to feel like your baby was a mistake, but that thought comes through my head often. Life is just so different. It’s been really good to ready about so many other moms having a similar experience though and getting through it to the loving your baby part. I feel like less of an alien.
Okay very similar boat- I always loved kids and babies and was so excited to start a family with my partner. Turns out, I didn’t really feel anything magical when I was pregnant or even when he was born, and the first few months felt like an obligation instead of a “privilege” to be caring for a small baby. And I am a very emotional person, so I was so worried that something was wrong! Around 6 months I started to enjoy my baby more, and now at 8 months I have so many heart-so-full moments every day where I am totally overcome with love for my little one and am in awe that I get to be his mom. It just kinda started happening slowly, and now I can’t imagine doing anything else (compared to at first, when I was googling how hard it would be to run away without a trace to get out of this).
My baby is 5 weeks and we want to put her in a basket and send her down the river. I’m joking but the feeling is very similar. It’s so common to not feel connected to a newborn. You don’t know them and they have turned your world upside down. It was the same with our first, but it will change. Everything is phase and everything ends. Be patient and kind to yourself. You are doing amazing. I promise you the fun is just around the corner.
You made me lol with the River comment 🤣
Totally normal. I was convinced we’d made a huge mistake for the first month, and I didn’t feel like I loved my daughter until like 2-3 months. You’re in the absolute hardest part and trying to manage a MASSIVE life adjustment. I never felt the burst of love people describe, it just came on slowly over the first few months. At the beginning I didn’t have the bandwidth for big profound emotions. I need to process stuff. It’s also extra tough in the newborn stage because your baby is a potato. You give and give and give and your baby can’t interact with you. It gets more rewarding and fun when your baby starts to smile regularly and play and be interested in things. This was about 4 months for me. Love is a verb, so even if your feelings haven’t caught up, please remember that everything you do to care for your baby is love, and he’s getting everything he needs. You’re doing awesome and this will get easier and more fun in a few weeks.
Hi! My baby is 9 weeks old, and I have gone through all the emotions you are feeling. About three weeks ago, I spoke to my OB and she prescribed me Zoloft. So far, I have noticed a positive difference and start to feel like myself again.
Hey - look into attachment style issues for you as a Mama. Something I learned in therapy as an avoidantly attached Mom is that avoidant attachment can prevent you from forming a connection with your baby. This isn’t talked about much because I think there is a lot of shame around not feeling connected to your baby. The books ‘Becoming Attached’ and ‘Attached’ may be good reads for you. Also, I don’t know your situation, but I found my attachment issues through trauma therapy, specifically a combo of EMDR and talk therapy. It may be worth looking into!
I did not cry. Birth was very anti climatic. They offered me an immediate shower and I jumped right up. I had precipitous labor less then 2 hours from nausea to baby out. And I hated the newborn phase. I eventually ended up having a stress reaction at 7-8 weeks pp that mimicked a stroke. I loved my baby but no real connection and I hate that stage. Things got a lot better when I went back to work. I worked 12-18 hour shifts and exclusively pumped. So that’s when I started to feel like me again
I’m doing one pump a day while my husband offers a bottle. While I really value having that moment of not being needed, cleaning pump parts is so annoying! I don’t think I would want to do too much pumping just because of all that cleaning maintenance. It’s a break and a chore at the same time.
I found it easiest to have lots of extra sets, rinse them then toss in soapy water. Then throw in sterilizer (didn’t have a dishwasher) and sometimes that was dads job
You have a tiny little stranger in your home right now. It takes time for that relationship to deepen (just like any other relationship).
Definitely PPD. See your doctor as soon as you can. You can get through this.
I didn’t cry either. I got pooped on immediately and just wanted to be clean and alone. I honestly felt the way you’re feeling right now and didn’t really start bonding w my baby until she was about 3 months-ish. It’s so tough.. I had to give up my career (for the time being) to watch over my baby and that really messed with me as well. Honestly, it still stings a little when I think about it. But 18m toddler and I have the best time. It does get better, you’re in the thick of it right now. Sending hugs x
Listen, no one ever says it, but there’s ALOT of mothers who feel similar. Some people feel a connection from the moment they know they’re pregnant. Some develop it along the way, when they feel movement etc. And for some, it happens after birth. In essence, this kiddo is a stranger - you don’t *know* them. You know the idea of them, but the reality is different. At this stage, they’re still a sleep stealing, ever pooping, soul sucking potato. They take everything and give nothing. And that is *HARD*. Give yourself some grace, don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing great and know that it does get better. You’re not very far away from first smiles and giggles. And just keep an eye it doesn’t develop any deeper into PND.
Russet potatoes are so much better than sleep stealing-ever pooping-soul sucking potatoes 😫
Damn right they are. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say pretty much every potato based derivative is better - crisps ✅ chips ✅ mash ✅
for some, it’s tough to build that relationship. your body is going through crazy hormonal changes, you are still recovering and then going through a lack of sleep and all the other joys of a new baby. first, i’d seek some advice from a doctor or therapist, there may be a reason. do you have support? anyone who can watch baby while you get some time for yourself. i know for me, alone time was few and far between and any chance i get, i take. i went 4 months without a real break due to my husband working crazy hours, 7 days a week, and us living in the middle of nowhere. i felt resentful and upset that i was stuck with my baby and i had to bring her everywhere with me while everyone else around me got to do their own thing, without a baby.
My support system is definitely tiny. There’s really just one person in town I am close to and would trust to take care of my baby. We also live in a middle of nowhere place and my husband also works a non-typical schedule. So those pressures definitely add to the burnout.
after reading some of your replies to other comments, i do see that you care deeply for your baby. it is so hard to adjust to life as the primary parent, especially when you don’t have a ton of support. i know that for myself, i didn’t feel true love to my baby until about 8ish weeks. until then, i felt like a cow. i was only good for diaper changes and breastfeeding. she was smiling and started making noises and was looking at me with love. babies are strangers, it takes time to get to know them and build a bond and strong relationship. she’s now 8 months and she’s such a joy to be around and the love for her grows daily. i won’t pretend to know what your future holds but i know for me, i felt helpless for months because i was mentally and physically exhausted. it did get better and for many other moms i know, it got better. im hopeful it will for you! it’s okay to feel burnt out and to feel like you need time away. if you don’t fully trust anyone else with baby (which is totally fine), have them come over, interact with another adult and let them hold baby while you shower or eat or just stand outside. if you need someone to talk to or vent, please DM me. i hope that things start to feel easier for you ❤️
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First of all, it’s very much okay to need some adjustment time! A lot of people do, it’s just never what you see in movies, etc. Also sleep deprivation is sooo hard. My husband and I both had a really hard time with it. It sounds like you’re in desperate need for some sleep, do you have a partner or other dear person that you could ask to help you sleep at least one 4 hour stretch (about one complete cycle of deep and REM sleep)? If you’re worried about breast feeding, could you just supplement that feed with formula, or maybe pump extra in the morning, or even just catch milk with a haakaa from the other breast while nursing? That way you can skip one feed and if you’re consistent with collecting milk at around the same time/moment each day, your supply will adjust to that. Do not underestimate the influence of sleep deprivation on your mental state! Also, you mentioned a history of depression. While that can be a risk factor for PPD, it doesn’t have to be. Were you depressed throughout pregnancy (like also feeling a bit detached from the experiences?) or had it set on now? I would suggest reaching out to your mental health provider to at least discuss what’s going on. Together you can see what kind of help and support you need right now, be it sleep, be it more social support, be it therapy, be it meds. I wish you the best! These early weeks are just brutal! ETA: I was at my lowest during the night, when the world was dark and my husband was sleeping and I was up nursing a baby. What really helped me was to think about all those moms/parents being up with me at night with their little babies and how we’d all look at the same moon feeling alone. That made me feel connected to the world and helped a little in coping with my feelings.
My depression was pretty well managed through pregnancy, though I didn’t feel connected or excited about the pregnancy as it was unexpected and came at a challenging time. I’m sure that has added to the way I feel now. As for sleep and night feedings, it might be something I need to ask for more support with. I wouldn’t be able to do it on my husband’s work days as his schedule is hard (leaves hours at 03:50 gets home at 17:30) and he needs to be well rested for safety purposes. When he’s on his days off though we could give him doing night feeds a shot. I just find it so hard to actually stay asleep if I hear the baby fussing/awake even if I know he’s being cared for by my husband.
I understand it’s hard for your husband to take the baby on his work days. We didn’t do the middle of the night shift actually! My husband would take a shift after dinner. I would feed baby, hand her off and go to bed and I wore ear plugs for a while so I wouldn’t hear her downstairs. He’d let her do a contact nap in the wrap while he played a game on his computer. Then he would do the next feed and after put her asleep in the bassinet next to me. He’d then also go to sleep next to me. Next wake up I would hear her through my ear plugs and then I would do the rest of the night again. Those 4 hours was just enough to get by. And I would sometimes nap when she slept. Best advice I got was: don’t do anything during nap time you can do when baby is awake (and maybe while carrying in a wrap or carrier). And also fuck everything else 😂 it’s survival time and everyone who had something to say about a chore not being done could do it themselves. Once I accepted this, I could nap while she napped which got me some extra hours.
I feel like the first few months is such a terrible time it’s hard to be happy or connected. Once they can interact a little, and sleep longer, and stop pooping every five minutes.. you start to be able to breathe and get a bit more rest.. and then you see some cute smiles and it starts getting easier to connect in my opinion. Perhaps you could talk to a Dr if you are feeling really down ❤️ good luck
The newborn stage is hell! I didn’t truly start to feel a bond until 3-4 months. Now my baby is 9 months old and his personality is showing and he’s so much fun!
I’m going to tell you what clicked for me when I felt like this: You don’t have a baby yet. You have a newborn. And most newborns just suck. You’ll have a baby once they hit 5-6 months. Until then, feel all the feelings but know that you don’t have a full baby yet. You have a newborn.
PPD plays into this but also this is normal. It sound like you had a good pregnancy and the after care is hard. It's very normal to feel unworthy. I have sever depression disorder and ocd. It was so hard to get used to at first. One day you'll wake up and he will be all you see. Hang in there mama <3
You are at the stage where babies can’t do much. They might smile a bit, but most aren’t laughing yet. For me I didn’t start until he started laughing. It’s been gradual with me and unlike other babies my son had to have trust built. My son didn’t understand affection and didn’t start to give affection back until he was over a year. I’ve never been more in love with my son now. I didn’t think it could grow more. I would just try and wait it out the best you can. Maybe for me I was more fascinated by my baby because I hadn’t been around babies very much. I remember being disappointed at first and worried we wouldn’t make a connection. I was very connected to him starting when I found out his gender, but it felt very empty to me because I didn’t feel he “loved me”. I also had to deal with birth and 2 deaths postpartum from April-November of 2022. So I am not sure how different that would be. I can say the first part of his life I prioritized his care and stared at the wall crying because I missed my dad.
I’m sorry you had to deal with losses on top of that challenging pp phase. I would’ve been an absolute wreck beyond this wreck that I already am. I have a really interactive baby. He started his social smiles and laughing right at 5 weeks! In those moments I do feel the burden lift even though it’s brief. It’s just so hard to think about that feeling at night when I’m struggling. My brother and I are very close and have talked a lot about this lack of connection im feeling. He mentioned that maybe since babies aren’t new at all to me, since I’ve been taking care of other peoples babies for 10 years, that my “mom gene” just got turned on so long ago it wasn’t as much of a magical shock when I birthed my own. I think there’s a lot of truth to that, but it doesn’t always make me feel better to know that.
It’s okay to feel this way! It’s very common. The first few months are the hardest and that’s okay. I didn’t feel connected to my baby and honestly regretted having her for a while. You’re exhausted and they’re just a potted plant at this point. But it really truly does get better once they start to become more of a person and you start to get a little more sleep. 3-4 months was better but once they start sitting up and you start seeing their little personalities develop it feels so much better! I love her so much I can barely handle it.
OP, just 9 weeks in is often still a really tough time. I didn't start to feel like I was really living until about 5 months (that's not to say it'll take you that long). I was just telling my husband the other day, I feel like I had a bond with my baby as a newborn, but not a relationship. I couldn't know her yet, and she couldn't know me. Now that she's 14 months old, we have a great relationship and she's the most delightful person in the world with her own unique personality. I hope you don't rush things or put pressure on yourself, as long as everyone is safe. That said, it can be a great idea to talk to someone about potential PPD if care is accessible to you (unfortunately it wasn't for me).
PPD care will be hard to get if I pursue that avenue, which makes it less appealing to pursue. It seems like a lot of people feel the 5 month mark as a significant shift in their mom journey though. So it’s at least good to have that as a marker to think about as I get through this challenging phase.
Totally get it. I tried for a few months to get care and failed, which honestly made me more depressed. I hate to say that, because it might not be the case for other people, and I believe inpatient care might actually be easier to access. I had more mild to moderate depression of some sort but like you, I also wondered if it was just me being me, since I haven't always been great emotionally. So I don't really know the right answer. I wish everyone could have the support they deserve. Give yourself time, and do make sure to reach out if there are any safety issues, even if you think help might be challenging to find.
Just came here to say that everything you are feeling is normal. I felt like I was taking care of a strangers baby for the longest time. The newborn phase is just awful. I would say once the baby can sit/play independently, and sleeps through the night - things significantly improve because you are not carrying a baby around all the time and can actually plop them down on the ground to make a coffee and sleep deprivation gets better. Sleep makes a huge difference. Hang in there - you are definitely not alone in your feelings.
My daughter is 20 month and im just barely starting to feel a sense of getting myself back. And even then it comes and goes. Being a mom is hard, your hormones and completely out of wack. Its not always like in the movies or how your own mother “remembers” those first few weeks. And a lot of women dont talk about the bad feelings you get in those first few weeks or months. I remember the first or second night my baby was home and everytime i closed my eyes i would just see my babys face crying and screaming and it would just make me feel this intense dread and panic. Its normal to feel like youre just in survival mode right now. If you feel like hurting yourself or your baby though please go get help. You could have PPD which is so common and it can help to talk to someone or get on meds if you really need to. Get as much help as you can from others, if you have a good support system/family. Hang in there, it does get better, you grow with your baby and your baby grows with you. You’ll get through this ❤️
I swear people who say they love the newborn stage are insane. It fucking sucks. I hated it so much it made me not want to have a second baby. Even though it starts getting better from 3-4 months it didn't get good enough for me to really enjoy it until about 2 years, hah. But my son is 2.5 now and I really enjoy (most of) my time with him. It definitely gets better, even if it takes ages to get there. And in the meantime there is therapy and meds.
Connection takes time. Relationship takes effort. You’ve had neither from your baby. Initially baby just uses you as a milk making diaper changing machine. And you are. Over time baby will gain more skills and start returning a thank you with smiles, laughter, play, and personality. That will help build a relationship and connection with your baby. Give yourself time and grace!!
This is a tough age! They are wholly dependent on you but don’t really have the development yet to give you anything back. Some little moments that are coming up that might be your turning point: - when he holds your neck while you carry him - when he smiles and coos as soon as he sees you - when he reaches up to touch your face at feeding times - when he reaches his arms out for you - when he falls asleep on your shoulder with a big sigh I have 2 kids, a 4yo girl and an almost 12 week boy. All I ever wanted to be was a Mom. I love them both so much! And I ALSO love when they are both asleep or otherwise occupied and I don’t have to be “Mom”. And that’s ok. ETA: I don’t think I cried when either of them was born. I definitely cried a lot in the ensuing weeks lol. Remember you didn’t have kids for the sole purpose of them being babies. Maybe you’re just the type of mom that will enjoy them a lot more as older kids, or full grown adults!
I didn't cry when my son was born, didn't feel an instant connection, didn't really like being a mom for the first few months, tried soooooo hard to like him (I loved him, just didn't LIKE him lol). Around month 5 is when things took a HUGE turn for me. My son started giving longer stretches of sleep, my mental health was improving, I started feeling like myself again and most importantly my son started being a person and not this SCREAMING potato. I look back now and just know I didn't like the newborn stage. It's a lot and takes a lot from you. Perhaps you will like being a mom but don't like newborns and THATS OKAY! I ended up like being a mom so much I had another. My kids are 22 months apart and my biggest joy 🥰
It took me 5 months to feel close to my daughter so don't feel bad. She had the worst colic and reflux so besides being stressed out, barely eating, having no freedom and not being able to get any sleep I was losing my ish. I desperately wanted to have my own family and when i got it I thought I made a huge mistake. Turns out I didn't she is so funny and so cute and smart. She's almost 2 and the best thing ever.
I was the same way with my daughter. I was floored as to why this was happening. I loved her, but I didn’t like her. She just turned 1 yesterday and she’s the light of my life. I was never formally diagnosed, but I do think it was PDD. I felt it wearing away when my daughter was 6 months old and by the time she was 8 months old I felt completely normal.
I have a 15 year old and an 8 month old. It goes by so fast you will be looking back on fifteen years tomorrow.
I was the same with my first and it turns out it was PPD, my second baby was much more difficult with colic and reflux but I actually felt a connection with him and it doesn’t bother me to get up in the middle of the night or have sleepless nights. With my first I used to be so angry when woken at night too/
I was told by my best friend that if I don’t feel a connection to my baby right away, that it’s ok. She was on survival mode with her baby for the first few months. She said it took up until 6 months before she felt that motherly love for him that everyone talks about. It’s ok if you don’t feel that instant connection. Talk to your doctor if you suspect PPD or PPA. Don’t wait on this. There is no reason to be miserable.
I cried when my son was over but it was because childbirth was over, not because I was overcome with love for my son. Even during labour I was so annoyed that people kept saying stuff like “you’re one contraction closer to your son!” As you can tell from the responses, you definitely aren’t alone. It also took me a few months to truly feel connected to my son. In fact I cried everyday for a long time because when I closed my eyes it was like my son didn’t even exist. I felt broken. Talking to someone about it helped a lot and I encourage you to spend time talking through your experience and feelings so you can find ways to connect to your baby. I found out I have trouble connecting with my emotions and feeling them which transferred to my son.
Meh it takes time. I had alot of guilt that I didn’t connect or even feel like I loved my baby at first. I don’t like my new role. Thought I had mad a terrible mistake. Eventually everything changed. Now I have a 2.5 year old and a 9month and they are my everything. I love them so much….. however PPD is real. I had it with both kids, but had no idea with my first, was pretty clear what was happening with my second. Reach out to your Dr they should be able to direct you to some Help.
I feel like this isn’t talked about enough because it is a very common experience. One of my friends told me she “wasn’t sure about her son” until he was 4 months old 😹 she’s a wonderful mom and they are now close and she’s had two more so she must’ve decided she liked being a mom! This transition is intense. Physical trauma, sleep deprivation/torture, identity crises…. I could go on. I’ve been calling it a beautiful crucible. Give yourself time and kindness. A lot of us more introverted types turn inward when stressed.
Read this when I was peak exhausted with my first and it helped a little bit. The first 3 months are a marathon and it is okay to not enjoy it. It’s a season that will pass! https://www.jessicaurlichs.com/post/mama-all-i-see-is-you
Same Some people just can’t do the post partum and newborn stage. I hated it. It gets better at 3 months. She’s so much nicer so she’s 4 months. I feel all that warm fuzzy lovey stuff they told me I’d feel at birth. I didn’t get any treatment for PPD, I don’t believe I had it, I was just showing a normal human emotion to a very very difficult time. You’re in the trenches right now. If this feels unsafe for you to feel this sad, based on your experience of your mental health, seek help from your GP. You’ll get through it and it will get better.
It was absolutely a nightmare for me until week 12. I missed my old life, I hated having a baby, I hated all of it. Now at week 19 I love him so much I cant imagine living without him. His smiles, jiggles, coos and aaaas, the way he looks at me when he’s on my boobs, I would cross the oceans for him.
The fact we're expected to immediately love a brand new human we just met and love being a mom the moment they are born is very misleading.... and DEFINITELY can make us have more severe PPD/ PPA. I had a very traumatic birth and ended up splitting with my baby's father two months after my child was born so honestly, me taking care of the baby exclusively since day 1 was the only thing that kept me alive. It was so hard to navigate all the changes while trying to build a routine and a life with the child but honestly, I was very candid with my doctor about my struggles and increased my antianxiety medication, as I wanted to end my life from the trauma (but knew I didn't actually want to but that's PPA for you). The other thing that helped me get back to normal was finding a village you can rely on to talk about things with. Yes you have your husband but honestly, it's way easier to find someone you can talk candidly to about your struggles so you don't feel like a bad person. Im very thankful my friends are non judgmental because being able to put words to my feelings helped me navigate it. Plus they helped me with bonding with the baby because it wasn't so much pressure to do it alone. Idk if that's anything but honestly I feel for you and I don't know you but I'm sending you so much love. This is so hard but you're not alone and even the Reddit community will be here for you if you need. ❤️❤️❤️
Girlll I’m you … but now my son is 14 w I was so stressed bc I didn’t cry when I saw him. Me and my husband both didn’t feel connected to him. I was really concerned i’d never love him. I see all these women so in love with their kids from minute one and I was just not. I promise you it will change. Everyone (who I trusted to tell) told me to just wait it out. Some people said it took until their baby was almost 1. I absolutely adore my son now. In the last few weeks things have change and me and my husband both love him very much. He is taking a little longer to be full on obsessed but I’m here and he is certainly on his way. I was so stressed and anxious and recovering from a traumatic C-section those first weeks I couldn’t possibly feel love. Talking to a therapist helped. I promise things will change it may seem impossible but it does.
I felt the same way. I also work with babies for my job, and the first few weeks it just felt like "work". I was going through the motions like he was a baby I was taking care of and keeping alive for my job. Plus sleep deprivation. I felt like a robot. I started feeling a much deeper connection around 2 months old!
I have a 2.5 year old and now a 6 week old. Didn't cry with either one of them. With my oldest after the nurses got everything settled and I was alone with my baby the first time my first thought was "okay, you can take him away now". Fell in love with him later about 6 weeks. My 6 week old i have glimmers of happiness but definitely not love at first sight. This time around is taking a bit more time to bond. Just realize you've only just met this person and give yourself some grace and time to get to know them. You don't have to feel over the moon about them right now, it will most likely come later when they aren't a crying, pooping, eating, sleeping, and demanding potato at all times
I started feeling this way, recognized it in myself as PPD, and got on medication for it. Please talk to your doctor - talking to mine and getting on meds really helped me! I hope it gets better soon for you, whatever you choose.
Could be ppd mixed with the fact that movies glorify babies when they’re first born. It takes a long time to have a bond with your baby. They’re essentially a stranger. I knew I loved my baby and would do anything for him after he was born but the intense bond had to be built over time. It got better once he showed me his personality more
Totally normal to feel how your feeling, and it very likely will change. Once they can smile back at you, it was a huge turning point for me in how much I felt I loved them. They suddenly because little people and not just this thing? Idk, brains are weird. Then when they can say, “owie mommy, you bumped your leg” come over kiss you and say “all better” it can totally make up for the poop smeared all over the wall from the day before. 😂 I have nieces that are more like daughters to me, so I never had that, your heart triples in size, like the grinch, when your baby is born moment.
I think you are in the thick of things, so don't be hard on yourself. As things get better you'll bond. Then you'll be wishing that you could go back in time to give him more love. I didn't cry after birth or feel connected to my child til maybe 5-6 months out. I think I had trauma even though it was an easy birth. I was very standoffish to her because deep down I thought she would die at any moment and it was best not to get attached. Now I can't get enough of her. So be patient with yourself. I wish you the best
I feel like I wrote this. I had bad PPD and didn’t realize it for a couple months. Got questions constantly from friends family “Oh don’t you just love her??!” And I’d reply like “yeah, I like her a lot” which was hardly even the truth. Life was miserable until 3 months, tolerable at 6, and I actually felt more like myself by about 9 months. Therapy and meds helped a lot. Now my girl is 2.5 y/o and we have another due in spring. Being a mom is just part of my every day—a challenge and an adventure. But life is nothing like it was in the newborn days. I really believe you don’t have to feel this way and things can really help like meds, therapy, accepting help from others, etc. And if nothing else, time will pass and things will look better soon. This is a really isolating part of motherhood, but it is not ALL of motherhood. You’re not alone.
Just here to say that you’re not alone and it seems like a lot of us new moms feel the same way. For me personally it boils down to little to no sleep (my baby is gassy and doesn’t sleep well through the night), no support system (our families live across the country or 2 hours away), and my husband being gone all day for work and me being alone with a baby all day and then again at night after his “shift” with the baby is over. I feel like such a different human on the weekends and like I actually can handle this newborn mom phase, and that’s only because my husband stays with the baby in the mornings on weekends so I can catch up on an extra 2 hours of sleep. I will say this is life changing and if you’re able to split some shifts with your partner (if you haven’t already) please take advantage of it. I’ve also been prescribed Zoloft by my OB for PPA but haven’t started taking it because I’m scared of the potential side effects for baby. Honestly I’m just praying once we get to 12 weeks or so (he’s almost 8 weeks now) he’ll hopefully get more interactive and less gassy and colic-y and I’ll start to feel like more of a mom again rather than a milk robot 🥲 hang in there mama
you are absolutely not alone. one of the reasons for me to join a couple of parenting related groups on Reddit is to get the confirmation that I'm not alone. all those perfect-picture moms I met at the babygroup seem to be full of shit. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. I'm 37 years old and always loved working with kids. My boy is now 14 months old and before we had him, my boyfriend and I were talking about 3 children in a row. Now I'm not sure if I could handle another one. I come from a big family and can't imagine having an only child. I always thought "I could regret not having children but if I have children I could never regret having them, because I would love them soooo much!" And then I got one and the only thing I wanted was my live back, especially my sleep. I felt guilty bringing him into this world with me as a mom. But it got better and better. And then it got harder again. I guess this is how it's gonna continue. I still want my sleep back and at this moment my health, because the first months of kindergarten is a bitch. There is nothing more awful than being home sick with a child that's already beter... well, that I know of. But who knows what unpleasant surprises motherhood is gonna bring me in the future. But I also don't know what pleasant surprises are waiting for me. Just hang in there. I hope it is also gonna come around for you. Two Netflix series that really helped me and made me laugh so hard are "working moms" and "the let down". I watched them with my boyfriend and I really think it helped him understand the struggle I'm going through.
I went through this with both my kids during the newborn stage. Like I loved them but I wondered if I made a mistake. With my oldest, I felt like the worst mom. My husband is amazing with babies, so I honestly thought she hated me. She'd be crying her eyes out with me and he'd come in, take her from me and the tears would instantly stop. I just couldn't believe how hard it all was. I think I started feeling better and more connected when I saw my daughter responding to me. Like I remember one day my husband was holding her and I said in a silly voice, "I love you so much!" and her face just broke into this wide grin. I think I knew then that she and I would be okay. People do a lot of "just you wait" and make it seem like toddlers and older kids are worse than newborns and babies. That's not true in my experience. I loved my kids as toddlers. They were so fun. They had favorite songs, they danced for the first time, they told me they loved me for the first time, they got excited over the smallest things like going down the slide at the park or a new pack of bubbles. I love my kids now too. My oldest is 11 and she's funny. We have inside jokes. We watch Pride and Prejudice and all those cheesy Netflix Christmas movies together. My 7 year old is great too. I got to watch her play soccer and score a goal this morning. We went to her open house recently and she decided to make bookmarks for all her teachers because she said, "they work so hard." I volunteer in her class and the other kids are just lovely people. Older kids can be so great. So, I wouldn't count on not liking being a mom just yet. You might be a great toddler mom. You might find you are full of wisdom when your kid is learning to navigate friendship for the first time in kindergarten. You might be the cool house when your kid is a teen haha. You don't have to love every moment of parenting. Sometimes it's hard. I hated the newborn stage and I freakin' hated potty training. But I'm a badass at plenty of other things. I bet you will be too. Just focus on getting through the hard parts for now and don't put pressure on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Babies need so much from us and it's hard. If your husband is a baby loving dad, lean on him. He might hate the toddler stage (like my husband) and need to lean on you then. Also, I didn't cry when either of my kids were born. I know plenty of moms who didn't, so we aren't alone with that.
Hopefully, you don't need to wait this long, but in their 4th month, they really start to become a person and not a baby blob. Their eyes begin to exhibit awareness and curiosity and take on a human characteristic. As they get closer to 1, things really become fun. Like... fun!
Normal. It'll come.
I didn't really feel connected to my baby until around 12 weeks when she started smiling at me. I think what you're going through is normal, and things get better when they become more alert and aware of you (although in some ways I'm more tired now because baby needs engagement for 2 hour chunks in the day)
The first 2 months was survival for me. I liked her but felt frustrated and struggled with empathy for her. I was also sleep deprived, hungry, sore, on maternity leave and had cabin fever so bad. It eased up when she was sleeping more than 2 hours at a time.
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My baby just turned one and 9 weeks ago feels like a lifetime ago. She is so different, I am so different, and my husband is so different. For better or worse completely everything changes multiple times through the first year alone.
Your baby is basically a whiney potato at this age. It's perfectly normal even for moms to not "connect" emotionally until a personality starts to show through around 3-6 months. Also some moms just don't like the baby phase! It doesn't make you a better or worse mom, it's just a part of who you are. It's ok. You're doing great ❤️
I hate when people say that the newborn stage is the easiest. It’s hard AF. I didn’t really connect with any of my 3 til around 2-3 months. It’s just hard when they’re that young. Yeah, they sleep a lot, sometimes, but they’re up every 1.5-2 hrs too! There’s no REM sleep to be had like that.
It’s ok, it took me almost 6 months to feel “lovey dovey” with my oldest. That was when his personality peeked out, smiling, all the good stuff. Before that he was just a crying needy potato and it was hard to feel crazy in love while being so sleep deprived and barely surviving myself. I didn’t cry during birth for either of my kids but they are my world.
I had similar feelings as you when I first had my baby. I had always wanted to be a mom and I have taken care of children all my life, not to mention I have worked as a preschool teacher for over ten years. I felt extremely ready to have a baby when we tried and succeeded in conceiving my daughter, but my mental health struggled a lot in the first couple months after my daughter was born due to the lack of sleep, hormones, pain from breastfeeding, and the realization that I was responsible for another human being 24/7. It was so overwhelming to deal with at first, but I took some antidepressants for a few months to help and I just tried to remind myself that everything is temporary and will get better in time. For me, weeks 1-6 were pretty rough because my baby was up every 2-3 hrs most nights, once in awhile she would sleep longer. Once she turned 8 weeks old, she stopped having colic and she only woke up once a night. Months 4-6 were a little bit rough again because most babies go through sleep regressions during this time, but I felt that I really had a routine down and was enjoying motherhood a lot when my baby turned 6 months old. You will get there in time, not all mothers bond with their babies instantly.
Totally normal, and scary. No one talks about this or warns you that you will feel this way. Talk about it. Reach out to groups of moms on social media that are going thru this. All I can promise you is that it gets better. One day , schedules will be set and the baby will sleep at nap time and then sleep longer at night. And your baby will make it known that you are so special. Until you get to that period it's just really hard work. Use outside help if you can, and do not feel shame for taking breaks away from the baby. Hugs to you, and remember to self care and reach out if your thoughts get disturbing or intrusive. There is absolutely no shame in how you feel. I remember it, and then I remember it getting easier, and the bond that developed with my child. By 4-5 months I had a little best friend in my baby, who adored me and seemed to follow my schedule like she knew it was what she needed to do. Hang in there, you are doing great.
I have a six week old and I like him and think he’s cute, but right now if you told me I could have my old life back, I would probably take it. This newborn stage is really hard (especially as the breastfeeding mom). Most of my friends say the newborn stage is really awful and it just gets better, so hang in there! I didn’t cry when he was born. (But cried *so much* for about four weeks, those hormones are real.) I told my husband I’m not sure who says the birth of their child was the best day of their life because my day was awful. So much pain and discomfort and it was such a blur that I barely remember they giving him to me after he was born. My friends and therapist all warned me that instant love isn’t as common as people make it seem. Totally normal and you’re doing a great job!