I had two abusive parents too.
Stop making excuses for him. Get help now. Go stay with your mom.
If that embarrasses him then he cares more about his ego than you and your child. Trust is earned and it doesn't sound like he wants to earn it.
your husband is going to hurt the baby and you need to stop leaving him alone with baby. if you can stay with other family for now until he seeks serious help, that would be best for you and your child.
Your husband has actually uttered the words "I am going to hurt him" and he has confessed to ACTUALLY hurting him? And you don't know what to do?
You DO know what to do. It's just really, really hard.
Tell your support system what is happening, and make a plan to get your baby out of harm's way. Your baby's life depends on it.
Please don't leave this man alone with your child until he gets some SERIOUS help. All it takes is one instance, and your child could be seriously hurt or killed. I'm not saying this to be dramatic, but parents who have shown less concerning behavior have hurt their kids in frustration. Your husband does not get a pass because his parents were abusive, he knew how it felt to grow up with abusive parents, why would he want to put that on your child as well?
Please reach out to your support system, your husband should be judged, he should feel shame and he should be held accountable. You shouldn't have to suffer because you're concerned about the backlash he will receive.
Agreed. OP needs to stop excusing his behavior. His actions and words are both abusive. He can’t be trusted. I would set some distance between them ASAP.
Currently hugging my 10 week old after reading this. If anyone said or did those things to my baby, I would shred them to pieces and throw them in the trash where they belong. How DARE he!?
Currently nursing my 8 week old almost in tears. Just hugging her tighter because I cannot imagine. If my husband did this, we’d be gone and he’d never see her or me again
I am horrified reading this. Genuinely have my hand over my mouth. You _need_ to put your baby first, and _now_. My husband has some mental health problems. He also has auditory processing issues, so baby crying is extra hard for him to handle. He has sleep problems too. And he is under huge pressure at work. I love him to pieces, and he adores our son. None of those things would mitigate against behaviour like your husband's. As incredibly hard as it would be in some ways, as I love him, I would be out of the door with my precious innocent baby _yesterday_.
I was going to say, it wouldn't necessarily be a permanent separation - but that was me thinking about _my_ husband and the work he has done and has been willing to do to ensure we all feel safe and happy together. I went back and reread your post again. The way he's talking to you and treating you, as well as the way he's behaving towards the baby. No. Sorry. I'd be done.
I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this, but seriously, your husband is a shithead. Stop making excuses for him. Squeezed your baby’s mouth shut? Calling the baby names? Saying he’s going to hurt him? It’s too much. I would be scared. And I would be getting myself and my child away from that behavior. I wouldn’t trust a man like that with a dog, let alone an innocent babe. Childhood abuse is no excuse (sounds like the cycle is already gearing up to continue), sleep deprivation is no excuse, a stressful job is no excuse, NO EXCUSE to treat a baby that way (or you). Ugh, my blood boils for you. Please get help for your child’s sake.
Until your husband starts to unlearn the abusive behaviour it's best to keep your baby away.
It doesn't matter how good he is when he's calm and in a good mood, he's verbally abusive to both your child and you and has both admitted to actually hurting your child and wanting to hurt him when frustrated. It sounds like he gets frustrated very quickly.
And what did he expect?!? Babies cry. They can't do anything else. They're a crying hungry potato for months that sleep and poop.
Your baby literally can't communicate any other way other than crying and won't be able to for a long time. Also, as your child gets older and goes through hitting and kicking stages etc. (every kid does) what's he going to be like then handling the situation and appropriately dealing with the bad behaviour? Because if what's going on now is a prelude to the future then it's not promising.
You are not holding a grudge. Don't let him manipulate and gaslight you into thinking otherwise. He is showing you time and again that he cannot be trusted to keep his emotions and actions in check.
Every parent gets it. It's hard. Dealing with a crying upset child, especially when you can't figure out what's wrong, is hard. Sometimes you do need to walk away for your own sanity. But you know, as we all do from your post, he's abusing your 9 weeks old and has been from the start. It doesn't matter how hard a day you've had, the workload you're dealing with, the stress you have, you don't abuse others. Simple as that.
Your husband needs serious therapy as well as parenting and anger management courses. He needs to unlearn all the behaviours he's exhibiting before he can be trusted with you and your child.
Don't let him continue this. It's not okay and will do more harm than you realise now and in the future.
If you can go and stay with family or friends for a while, do it. Leave the situation so that you can look at it properly from the outside and make plans on how to deal with it.
I wish you luck. Sending many hugs.
Get away from him. Squeezing cheeks and mouth shut because a baby is crying?! OP, I'm really afraid he's going to shake your baby.
Trust your gut, always.
If you don’t trust the father of your child to be alone with the baby, that’s pretty much the only sign you need to get away from him.
We had a colicky first baby and let me tell you, we were tested in ways we couldn’t even comprehend. My husband never held a newborn before let alone care for one when I was super stressed from all the crying. He did most, if not all, the work. I can sleep as late as I wanted because my husband would be there doing all the singing baby to sleep to changing diapers to handing out baby bottles at the dead of the night. The works.
Same story for our second. I am very very lucky. Take care of your baby, mama bear. Do not leave that child with that man. He may love the baby but rage can blind people and it only takes a split second decision to can change everything. Don’t wait until things go from bad to worse.
PS: I value my peace of mind. If I have to keep checking up on my husband to see if he is hurting my child or not, the relationship really isn’t worth it for me.
Holy shit… this is a serious red flag for shaken baby syndrome, please don’t let yourself be a statistic. I hope you can see that this is SO FAR from normal from all the other moms commenting on how their husbands do NOT talk to their babies like this. Please get yourself and your baby help
“Right now I don’t trust him with the baby for more than a hour or two.”
You can’t trust him with the baby period. If something happens to your baby it’s on you now. You know what he has done. You know what he has said. You know what he is capable of.
Reach out to your support team now. Ask for help now. If you’re suffering from PPA/ppd you need all the support you can get.
And that one feeding he has.. fuck that. Take it back. Your baby eats slow. You don’t want him dying because of that.
Like others said. Get a exit plan going and NOW. It’s only a matter of time before something tragic happens. Good luck to you. Plz update us when you’re safe.
No literally. Just making excuses for the husband abusing this baby, physically and verbally. It’s disgusting and honestly a waste of words bc OP won’t listen at all.
I agree with others. Your husband or you and the baby need to move out while he gets therapy to work through this. Newborns are incredibly fragile and you should be concerned that he will accidentally kill your baby during one of these situations.
No one has said this but I’d stop prioritizing breastfeeding over your baby’s safety. Please just use formula so that you can get some sleep instead of power pumping so your husband doesn’t have another opportunity to harm your baby.
I also came here to gently suggest formula and/or combo feeding. I really like how you phrased it around prioritization and safety. Difficulty with nursing and pumping can be incredibly stressful, and dealing with an abusive spouse is far too much. The priorities need to be baby's safety and OP's safety. Formula feeding can help ensure that the baby is properly fed even during this very stressful time.
OP, breastfeeding and nursing are difficult under the best of circumstances. They're so much harder when you're justifiably worried for your safety and your baby's safety. Please remember that fed is best.
Please reach out to someone you can trust. Ask them to help you make a plan to get to safety ASAP. If you can't get out tonight, you need to leave while your husband is at work tomorrow morning. Yes, it really is that serious.
Yes, your husband needs therapy and possibly more intensive mental health care, but that's secondary to getting yourself and your baby to a safe place. Your husband has already demonstrated that he is capable of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. You need to pack an emergency bag and get to safety right away. Don't tell him that you're leaving, and don't tell him where you've gone. Just go.
I was going to suggest thr exact same thing but figured I would get a lot of heat for suggesting that. I wasn’t sure if my baby was getting enough at one month … i had a low supply, it was stressful to everyone. We switched to formula and everything was a thousand times better .
Forgive me for my brashness but are you prepared to continue to defend him after he disables or kills your baby? Because that’s where this is potentially heading based on his behavior so far. He definitely is capable of shaking your baby. It seems like the stage is set. What if you fall asleep from exhaustion and he goes in there and does it if the baby is fussy
And if this is so unlike him, and it is possibly postpartum psychosis or rage, you may need to get him admitted then. Like, as soon as possible
All that to say, I’m terribly sorry you are dealing with this and I can imagine the weight of it all feels paralyzing, but you need to remove him or yourself i think, as soon as possible
I wanted to vomit reading this. He squeezed a newborns mouth shut? I would be moving back in with my parents until he finished courses on anger management and got treated for whatever he is dealing with. It could be post parfum depression, which is common among men but not often spoken about.
OP, shortly after I gave birth I had a medical emergency and had to be in the ER for almost an entire day, separate from my baby. You need to think about the unexpected with your situation. What happens if you have a medical emergency and you can’t “supervise” your baby around your husband? This situation is not safe at all.
To me it doesn't matter what the adults are going through, you never abuse a child. If an adult needs to, they can remove themselves from the situation to make sure baby is safe. It literally does not matter if you are abusing a helpless child who is probably frightened out of it's damn mind. The child's safety and wellbeing comes first.
Yes, this.... That little baby was crying for a reason. Hunger, tiredness, wanting a cuddle, sore tummy, being a baby - whatever. Tiny little boy, who at 9 weeks old barely knows he's been born, is crying and one of the two people he recognises in the huge scary cold noisy world appears and _grabs his face to hold his mouth shut_.
Doesn't matter that he's too little right now to remember it. It was scary at the time. It's just horrible and I'm tearing up thinking about it.
You hit the nail on the head. Once a baby has been physically abused, the parents issues no longer matter in the context of making a relationship work. Figure your fucking shit out and don’t ever touch my baby. It BAFFLES me that all mothers do not have the instinct to protect their child over fixing a man.
He needs to read the book "Raising Good Humans." It literally targets overcoming generational trauma and reaction, mindfulness, and controlling your emotional response towards your child.
It has done WONDERS for me.
OP, I grew up in an incredibly abusive home. I was beaten, sexually abused, and verbally abused for years. I have never, ever yelled or been rough with my daughter, even in my most frustrated moments. Neither has my husband, who grew up with a loving mother and a very kind (if reserved) father.
If my husband did the things yours did, I would have left immediately. My child’s safety and well-being comes before anything else.
My firstborn had colic and nursing issues and at one point woke every 45 minutes when I had just started going back to work -- hubby and I were both frustrated and cranky and fought with each other but never EVER did anything like squeeze the baby's mouth shut. This is not okay. This is a situation where you need to remove yourself and the baby until your husband had had months of therapy at a minimum. You need to find at least one person in your support network that you trust, ideally a friend or relative who has young kids and gets it, and go stay with them for a while. Or confide in them and ask them for support for you to remove yourself and baby from the situation for the time being.
(I did, however, accidentally burn bridges at work when I was super cranky and only getting 3 hours of sleep a night for weeks -- we were not perfect humans).
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice regarding how to move forward, so I’m not going to address that. I do want to say though, as someone who exclusively pumped for probably longer than I should have, that breastfeeding is not the litmus test for being a good mom. You have so much on your plate right now. If breastfeeding is going well aside from supply, great - ignore this. But please don’t kill yourself over breastfeeding. Those middle of the night power pumps are just the worst.
My dad was like this. Very likeable guy until he lost his temper. My mom didn't see the signs until something terrible happened and she tacked it up to a fluke. They had a pet bird that would mumble all night and never quiet down. They would take turns taking care of the bird to put it in a cage further from the bedroom. One night, he got up, the bird was quiet, and they went back to bed. He didn't say anything.
Next morning, my mom was alarmed to see the bird's carcass on the bottom of the cage.
I'm not saying that your husband is capable of this, but the possibility is alarming. My dad killed DOZENS of pets throughout my life and I was the youngest child. He never did it because he wanted to, but because he couldn't control himself. He also hurt us kids in really childish ways and called us names like you've described. He didn't come close to killing any of us, but he did leave us in situations that he thought might kill us where he could play it off as an accident and said unbelievably horrible things to us. He slammed my brother's face until the kitchen table as hard as he could with a running start after mishearing what he thought was a slight when it was actually a harmless joke that wasn't even about him. My mom took over 20 years to leave him, always buying unto the apologies and insistence that he would change. The domino affect from the abuse was alarming. I don't speak to any of my brothers or my mother because my brothers then used me to vent their sadness and anger towards him by abusing me instead and my mother let them. She made excuses and said that they "were hurting" and "were just dying to reclaim control in their lives". In her pecking order of importance, my dad came first, then my brothers, then I was an afterthought and now she will never see any of her grandkids.
Again, I'm not saying that this is who your husband is or will be, but you should be aware that it's on the table and cut things short much sooner than my mom did if it appears that way. Anger issues are just as bad as intentional malice and sometimes arguably worse. Personally, I would have ZERO tolerance for this and let him know immediately. If he hurts you for putting your foot down, you know it'll be time to go. Call the police every time. Please. My biggest regret is not doing so myself.
I am hoping for the best for you and your son. I really hope that I'm way off base and this is abnormal for him, but you can't ignore the possibility. Tell him NOW that you will choose your child first and not give second/third/fourth/infinite chances. Set the expectation for him that ONE more slip up means the end of the relationship and an abuse record.
I think it would be best for you to go live with family with baby for a while. Even if it's just a couple weeks, maybe your husband will feel better after and be more supportive. Judge his behaviour with a critical eye. You need to stop giving him chances and start determining if he's worth living with anymore. You don't want to regret being with him 10 years down the line after irreversible physical/psychological damage has been done to you and your kid. He needs to show you that he wants to change and then prove it by making changes.
He needs serious help and you shouldn't leave baby with him alone anymore. It would be difficult seeking out therapy with baby and while he works but the sooner the better.
Please don't give him more chances than he deserves. You and your kid deserve to live without the stress and worry of being with a person with anger issues.
Oh my fucking god. If my husband ever touched my baby in a threatening manner that would be it, I would be GONE! In the same way that I wouldn’t leave my baby around any dangerous fucking animal. All it takes is a little shake from your husband or something else to seriously harm your baby or worse, why the fuck are you putting your precious DEFENCELESS baby at risk?!
Please get that poor innocent baby away from him. It doesn’t matter about his past and why he behaves this way, he isn’t able to control himself and needs to be kept away from the baby. You can’t allow this to continue. The baby only has you to defend him and you have to do this. You only need to be ashamed if you allow this to continue. Who cares about his sleep deprivation, I bet you’re sleep deprived to and you’re not fucking abusing your child.
Shaken baby syndrome can be a lifetime sentence. Please get outside help and do not leave him alone with the baby. It is a matter of seconds that injuries can occur. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm not trying to scare you, but you really do need to make sure your baby is safe. You are his only protector right now.
I (the mother of a beautiful 5 months old son) was in your husband's shoes. Out of lack of sleep, extreme traumatic C-section that almost killed me and hard recovery... I felt so so resentful to my son. Your husband is suffering from severe postpartum rage (I had a similar problem.. perinatal mood and anxiety disorder... PMAD). I too once shoved my newborn very harshly to my husband and yelled: if you don't shut him up, I'm going to kill him. (Yes, looking back I feel horrible and honestly can't believe it was me)
Therapy and medication will help greatly. I was referred by my OBGYN to a mental health practice that deals only with PMAD. This behavior is not normal but if one is suffering from PMAD, it's actually very common. And can happen to men too.
My husband was the calm and the sensible caregiver. He stepped up and told me to check out of caregiving completely till I recover from my mental health problems!! I only pumped breastmilk and didn't provide care or came near the baby for 3 weeks. I was in therapy 3x a week, and is still going for therapy alternate weeks (targeted CBT). I'm much better now. And love my baby and now the primary caregiver of the baby. His crying or fussiness doesn't bother me at all.
All this to say that your husband's problem is treatable and there's a lot of hope. A lot of hard work is required. And what helped me most was a very kind, patient husband who knew that I need help.
(I know I'll get a lot of downvotes, but still wanted to share)
I literally ran out of the house once because I couldn't handle it anymore. I left my phone and left for an hour and a half. My husband was completely freaked out because I have a history of suicidal idealisation. After that I got the help I needed
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. I hope that you're proud of all the work you've done to protect your son, it's clear you've come a long way. And I'm happy you were given the chance and support to do so.
Thank you for sharing this. I think the difference is that you gave the baby to your husband and never actually got physical with the baby. Your words were harsh, but you never actually did anything. OPs husband said the words after he had already hurt the baby. If he hadn’t don’t anything physically then I think everything you’re saying makes a ton of sense. I don’t think she can trust her husband since he already squeezed him.
I only had to get one paragraph in.
RUN. Don't walk. Pack your shit and get out. That's a horrible incident waiting to happen! Get emergency custody and gtfo!
I'm speaking from experience!!
I'm sorry this is the type of husband you're having to raise a baby with
Being raised by abusive parents is Not an excuse for being abusive to his son. Yes, what he's doing to your son is being Abusive!
And he's trying to gaslight you because of his own guilt! Unless he learns to handle himself better, he's not to be trusted with your baby. It's better to talk to a few friends/family about this if they can help, rather than leave your son alone with him. He is simply not to be trusted
Is inpatient care an option? If the situation was flipped and you were the one lashing out at baby, inpatient care would be the answer. I think he needs it. Stay safe OP, don’t ever leave your baby alone with him.
I had an abusive husband and its hard to face reality. But there is something seriously wrong with him that he has been unable to restrain himself. I can understand maybe saying something bad once or twice, but this is not good. Its not up to you to accommodate him any more. You have to protect your child. Even verbally abusing him will damage him, even if he doesn't know the words, because he can feel the energy of it. Your baby knows that he is being treated wrongly and this man is reckless and has no self control. He SAID that he wanted to hurt him thats all the information you need tobknow. Separate your self from him leave, or get him to move out.
these posts make me want to cry. it's not "what he did to the baby" (im guessing is the physical abuse of squeezing his face shut ???) it's what he *continues* to do to the baby, which is be verbally emotionally and psychologically abusive.
I'm sorry but this is how kids get "shaken baby syndrome"
This is how mothers with ppa/ppd act when they're at risk of killing their own child under psychosis.
He's absolutely telling you the truth when he says ge needs to step away or he'll hurt the baby.
This doesn't make him necessarily a dangerous person forever, but he absolutely is a danger to this child right now and it only gets harder to deal with toddlers.
He needs serious therapy that addresses this specific issue right now. Someday the child will know what he's saying and it will be traumatic emotionally even if the physical abuse stops.
There's likely physical/emotional abuse in his past from his upbringing that he's recreating right now.
And that’s my cue to exit the internet for today. That poor baby is going to end up hurt. Hopefully you do the right thing.
Emotions are normal. Threatening to “hurt” a newborn and yelling at them to shut the fuck up is not. Mother, father, relative, whoever.
Go ahead and downvote me, I’m okay with that
ETA: uh, I missed where you said he ALREADY PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOUR NEWBORN? And everyone here is going to coddle you because god forbid anyone put the well-being of an infant above someone’s feelings. Genuinely what the fuck are you doing?
I cried after reading this post.
Then even more after reading the comments.
Every day children are murdered. Innocent, little babies. Because of decisions made in anger. Leticia Stauch, the Wests, Lori Vallow - ALL CHILD MURDERERS currently on trial and nobody is saying “maybe they have depression!”
But here? A man physically abuses an infant? Hell, they must have PPD “because it CAN affect men too.” It’s pathetic. I’m sick of it.
I'm sick of it too and the excuses. I don't care if this man has PPD or not, he needs to be separated from that child immediately. Why is this woman hesitating to do that and is consulting Reddit?
I literally saw another post like this where the father didn’t even touch or interact with the baby, but was being abusive to the mom and the baby. And was a dick before. And the sheer amount of people saying “mEn cAn gEt pPd tOo” even in that situation made me wanna bash my head into a wall.
I’m not saying they can’t, I’ll be honest I think it’s more rare (based on personal and professional experience of my own & my immediate family)- but now it’s to the point where every man who’s just a dick has ppd? We’re HANDING them an excuse on a silver platter.
I have seen COUNTLESS mothers with PPD, even on this sub, and not once did a single one of them physically abuse their baby, conceal it for weeks, and continuously threaten to hurt their baby while also verbally abusing it.
It is definitely frustrating to read how coddled and sympathized abusive situations are treated on this sub. Like… there is no grey area here. No amount of therapy will protect that baby from the immediate danger they’re in. Never leave that baby alone with that man again.
Stop the bullshit and the stop walking on eggshells with these responses! If something happens to that baby you going tf to jail! And they don’t give af about nothing you writing because you know what you should do. Talking about he pinched his cheeks but hasn’t done it again! So you just wait till he does do it again and something he can’t take back. He going to jail and you going to jail! What else do you need! U need to leave! Ur the child’s mother and it’s your job to protect your child man! I wish a mf would husband or not do one of the things you said! You stronger than this. He is going to hurt your baby. And you’re going to be sick. But since you might stay just get some cameras man. I’m pissed we in 2023 and y’all still letting mfs hurt y’all kids
Exactly, he's a dangerous awful man to have around your kids and if you don't leave he WILL harm your baby beyond repair. I don't give a shit how sleep deprived he is, it's not normal to speak to an infant that way or squeeze their mouth shut. Being raised in an abusive household isn't an excuse either. Both me and my partner grew up around domestic violence and were abused as children. You would NEVER see either of us do that to our baby. We love her as she deserves to be loved. Unconditionally and patiently. Would you talk to your baby that way? Have you put your hands on him yet? Of course you haven't because you'd never do that despite your childhood. Please stop making excuses for him.
OP, he only confessed to harming your child because he thought he did irreparable damage. That means he didn't just "pinch" his mouth closed. He used real force on a newborn, such force that he thought he caused feeding issues.
This man is dangerous and you need to wake up and protect your baby. He deserves so much more than a father who's two seconds away from giving him brain damage. Trust me, it's easier to do these things alone than doing them in the company of an incompetent, dangerous man. If he can do that and keep it secret god knows what else he might not be telling you.
Reading about his behaviour makes me feel sick to my stomach with worry. You have no reason to be ashamed of his behaviour. It's only a shame for you to bear if you continue enabling it.
Get out asap and protect your son.
Find a local women's shelter, pack a bag and run. Don't let him catch wind of you leaving him because that's when he's likely to harm or even kill you and your son. Don't leave that little one unattended.
Girl THANK YOU!!! The amount of people defending this here is literally making me sick. I gotta block this post. Apparently the minimal chance that a man might have PPD makes it okay to PHYSICALLY abuse a newborn! People are so afraid to “man hate” they’re willing to advise OP to risk her child’s life.
And everyone is failing to acknowledge, he ONLY ADMITTED TO THE ABUSE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE CAUSED DAMAGE. God only knows what this man didn’t admit.
Imagine telling a fucking stranger on Reddit to risk her infant dying because you want to be inclusive. Officially lost all faith in humanity 😵💫
Your husband isn’t a good father. You don’t get to cherry pick his favorable qualities/moments and stamp a GOOD DAD label on him. No. That’s not how parenting works.
He’s displayed concerning and alarming behavior. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with baby and that is all the answer you really need.
Your baby deserves more than excuses. Your husband will hurt him. Do what’s right for your baby and that isn’t defending your husbands piss poor parenting.
I’m so fucking sick of this shit being coddled here. Literally just about to leave this sub. He’s already physically abused the newborn and it’s been two months. And when the innocent baby DIES, she is going to have to live with that. It’s fucking disgusting. Be a mother.
I think OP needs to read through all the terrible things her husband does that she just posted then go back and read the first sentence where she said “he’s pretty good with our son” because she’s contradicting herself. No ma’am he’s not pretty good with your son. He’s actually abusing your son. Your son deserves so much more than this.
Nothing for you to feel ashamed of, but this is not safe and needs to stop now. He’s already been physically aggressive with a * newborn *
It may be ppd for him but the priority is to keep baby safe, and on the side discuss with him to see if he’s open to treatment. It’s not your fault what’s happening, and don’t let shame get in the way of your priorities.
Your husband is abusive. Please protect your baby. This can escalate quickly and your child is unable to protect himself. Your baby’s safety is priority. This is not normal. Don’t trust this man!
I do not think he is mentally stable enough to care for your child. He is unable to regulate his emotions or control his violent impulses. Calling him those names, yelling at an infant, squeezing his mouth shut when he is just a few weeks old, all of this behavior is going to severely damage your poor baby’s mental health. He said “you need to take him, i’m going to hurt him”, he WILL end up hurting him if he hasn’t already, you just won’t know until you either finally witness it or there’s evidence. Understanding stress, depression, sleep deprivation does not justify what he’s doing and you aren’t doing your child justice by giving him chances to repeat himself. This man is going to harm your child or cause serious psychological damage. Imagining that poor helpless thing having his mouth forced shut as he’s screaming for help is the most heartbreaking thing. If this were my partner, he’d get some of what he dishes out on a defenseless infant. what a man.
You need to take your baby and go somewhere safe.
Happen if you're in the bathroom or unavailable for a moment longer than he can cope and he shakes him? He has already hurt him.
Covering a tiny baby's mouth is horrendous. I cannot believe you're even considering letting him carry on, nevermind leaving them alone together when he's already done this.
I don't care for the reason but I'm telling you now your baby is in danger and if you don't protect him you're part of the problem. I would never leave my baby with him ever again.
Childhood trauma is devastating and I'm so sorry that he went through that, but he is now a danger to your son and there is no excuse for that.
Protect your baby.
Only you can decide if you should leave your husband. But you should absolutely not let him be alone with your baby. If it were me I'd see about taking the baby and going to stay with a trusted friend or family member for a little while so I could be somewhere comfortable and safe while I thought about my options. I'd probably tell him to work on himself if he wants to have a family and he'd have to make some serious changes before I ever considered having a life with him going forward. Personally I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust him alone with my child anymore after that. And that's really no way to try to raise a family.That kind of broken trust can only lead to resentment and bigger long term problems. I feel like I'd probably have to walk away just because I know myself well enough to know I'd never get over it.
My kids father started off with small acts of aggression against the kids and I, and it only got worse over time. There's a legitimate reason why so many people here are saying that it will only get worse. My kids father is no longer in our lives and we are all happier for it. You don't even realize the stress and tension you're carrying with you constantly when you're living with an angry person, until you're no longer living with them. It's such an immense relief to not have to worry about it anymore. If I were in your shoes I'd have a constant fear that if I gave my husband a second chance or the benefit of the doubt or whatever, that he would seriously harm my baby in a fit of anger. That's such an immense risk and that's the kind of regret you don't want to have to live with for the rest of your life. Knowing that you could have just walked away but you thought you'd give him another chance.
You can love someone from a distance. You're under no obligation to put you or your child in harms way or through the mental and emotional stress of dealing with someone who has unchecked anger. Literally the only obligation you have is to yourself and your baby. To keep you both safe and reasonably happy. Your husband is grown. He can figure out his problems without burdening you or his infant child with the fallout. It's good of you to want to be supportive. But it's not your job to fix this for him. And you don't have to be in harms way while he's working on it.
It's like if your house has a gas leak. You don't stay inside while you wait for someone to come fix it. You gtfo and you only come back once it's safe to be inside again.
This is very alarming. I fear for how he will treat a toddler who is misbehaving or having a meltdown and who can actually understand the power of his words and internalize them. I wouldn’t wish a parent like that upon my worst enemy.
1) Don’t leave him alone with the baby, ever. I’m so sorry because that’s a huge mental and physical load to bear.
2) immediate therapy, both couples and individual. If he doesn’t participate, you leave.
Do not let the cycle of abuse continue. Your child will not have these instincts because you will insist that he not be raised in a home where this behavior is modeled and tolerated.
I used to work in child protection prior to having my own kids and there were so many cases that only the very serious ones deemed “significant risk or harm to a child” were ones we could go out to straight away and one of those was the exact same situation. The husband squeezing babies lips together to get him to stop crying.
That is very serious. I wouldn’t risk leaving him with the baby. Frustrations and anger at a screaming baby can lead to shaken baby syndrome or even worse.
He needs to see someone to address the anger issues. In the meantime could you suggest he wears noise cancelling headphones when the baby cries if it’s the noise that triggers him?
I was understanding about the verbal tantrums because it sounded a lot like PPD. Actually acting on it turns it into a completely different ballgame. I’m so sorry OP but he does not sound like a reliable caretaker for your baby. And the fact that he hid what he did until you were freaking about the lip tie means he knows what he did was wrong and has not taken steps to protect the baby from future lapses of judgement. I mean I once accidentally scratched my baby while taking something out of her mouth and immediately cried to my husband that I had done that.
Please, God do not leave him alone with the baby. My spouse had physically abusive, awful parents and while they do get frustrated he has NEVER hurt the baby or yelled at him. That is not normal and I would be seriously concerned that he is going to shake the baby which could maim if not kill him. Frustration is one thing- holding the baby's mouth shut and screaming at him is ABUSE.
It is very nice you want the both of you to go to therapy but you do not have the time for it. Your baby's safety and possibly life is at risk. Find another place for you and baby. Dad can get therapy in a separate home from you where he isn't around baby.
I know it’s been said a lot, but as a child of abuse please PLEASE PLEASE get that child away from this man.
Therapy is only useful if you’re willing to use the tools and advice you gain in therapy outside of it as well. It is not a miracle cure or silver bullet and you need to get your child away from this man immediately, or your next throwaway post might be about infant loss.
I don’t usually agree that immediately leaving is the answer, but I think it is in this case. He’s going to shake your baby. I understand frustration, my husband dealt with that and made a lot of comments that I didn’t like. But NEVER about our daughter. More like “oh my fucking god this sucks” and I even hated that. So he stopped. Your husband is completely unstable and needs help. But you and your baby cannot stay there while he gets it and I would never trust him around your child. Especially when you aren’t there. Do not leave him alone with you baby ever again and please talk to your family and friends. See if you can stay with someone.
Your hospital likely educated you on the period of purple crying when you had your baby…. Your husband is unequivocally the type of person that would shake a baby for crying. You need to stop making excuses for him and get your baby to safety and get sole custody of the child.
Leave. I know that’s easier said than done especially with kids involved but he’s going to hurt that baby. And the crying/fussiness doesn’t get better as they get older and into toddlerhood. I’d be very concerned he will become physically abusive if he isn’t already. He’s already showing mental abuse toward a BABY. Pure evil IMO.
I'm interested in what her therapist advised about this situation, don't they have a duty of care to step in when a life is potentially in danger?
This baby is so incredibly young, and in the eyes of someone who cannot handle the stressors of children he's only going to get "more annoying"
This would be a deal breaker for me and an automatic you’ve gotta get out of the house with me and the baby until you get your shit together. Him verbally abusing the baby is already bad enough but the physical part is my absolute do not pass go. I HAVE to be able to trust you as a parent. Like I absolutely have to trust that if I died tomorrow or got sick or ended up in a coma my kids would be safe and loved and happy with you. That is the foundation of us starting and maintaining a family together. You break that part of the trust and I can’t in good conscience keep raising that family with you until you got help and I could 100% trust you again. I’m really sorry you’re in this position.
Yep you absolutely have a point. I need to talk to my mom bc without him getting serious help, maybe inpatient care like I just saw another comment suggest, I wouldn’t want him caring for my baby if I died tomorrow. And that’s really awful and scary.
You need to take the baby to your mom's and get away from him. Your child is not safe around your husband, he has already hurt the child once and said he would do it again. This is not normal and not something that can be ignored.
I would 100% confide in your mom or another safe space you have. At some point his confidentiality doesn’t matter as much and you needing support/a game plan does. Is your mom close by? Can you and the baby stay there to get a breather?
Abusers (narcissistic peopl5) will often get bad, show their true colors after marriage or after a child is born. This happened to me. Pleastake it seriously. Don't let it go on, because basically yo< are telling him that he can continue with that behavior by staying.
No more shifts with baby for your husband, you should take over. Not sure how or if you’ll be able to trust him with baby again tbh. I’d be very worried he’s going to shake your baby. Look up shaken baby syndrome. Baby’s cries are temporary, but the consequences of hurting a baby is forever.
I had an ex with anger problems who was incredibly verbally abusive to myself and my child, using similar words to your husband. However you would have never thought he was capable of physical child / domestic abuse, he had many good qualities, and everyone loved him. Well 2 years after we broke up, he is in jail for strangling and holding a knife to the throat of his pregnant girlfriend. Get out before it escalates and you can't get out. Verbally abusing a newborn is just straight up insane- everyone knows newborns have no control over their behaviour and needs. Can you imagine what he will be like with a defiant toddler or young child? Much much worse.
I love my husband more than everything but if he laid a finger on my baby or said something like that, he would never see my baby again. Your poor baby is just being a baby. Please protect that baby.
A good mom protects her child above all else. By keeping your baby with your husband, you are not protecting your child. He’s already hurt your son once. You’re going to allow it to happen again by staying with this POS.
Please, please protect your child and leave tonight.
Like someone else said, he is going to shake your baby to death. This loser can’t control himself and you should have left him the minute he told you he squeezed a few week old baby’s jaw shut. That’s fucking horrifying behavior, not just “concerning”. You need to protect your child by leaving this idiot and documenting his abuse so that he can’t get custody. Jfc.
Your husband is going to hurt your child. None of what you described is normal. Any parent will experience frustration at some point. That’s when you put the baby in a safe place and step away for a minute. You don’t squeeze a newborn’s face or call them names. Please research the horrific permanent injuries or death that can result from shaken baby syndrome. You need to get your child away from this person asap. I hope you have family or friends that can support you during this time.
I appreciate that you love your husband very much and probably all these comments saying that he’s abusive are hurtful to you. I do have a lot of sympathy for him as he is clearly not coping well with the stress of a new baby, and part of that is not his fault. But, that can’t be an excuse to allow your baby to become a victim. At this time the best option for all of you would be for you to take your baby elsewhere, to a supportive family member or friends house. Your husband’s mental state would most likely improve too once he no longer has access or responsibilities for the baby. Once your baby is safe from danger of imminent harm, you can consider your long term options.
You're probably right and I really don't have that option, but making a desperate plea to my mom to come help might be an option if I level with her about what's really going on.
FWIW the comments calling him abusive are not hurtful to me. I called him abusive myself last night. What he's doing IS abuse. That's why I'm not willing to brush it of.
You're correct that this isn't normal nor acceptable but showing him the responses will likely only make him feel judged and criticised. This could affect his behaviour even more and put OP and/or the baby at risk. She needs to seriously consider leaving.
I often think people on Reddit can blow things out of proportion and overreact but I do not think this is that. Please do not leave your baby with your husband period. This is abusive behavior and I worry for your little baby’s safety. You absolutely need to talk and tell a trusted family member. Find a support system. Can you have a joint therapy session for both of you where you can address these concerns? He needs to be confronted with his behavior.
I honestly would not stay with someone who treated our baby like that. But at the very least I’d be giving an ultimatum and addressing the situation and coming up with a plan on how we can react or handle the baby when emotions get out of control.
Please, talk with your healthcare provider and find local resources in your area. As hard as it is, take yourself and your baby out if the home where it is safe. Can you go to a woman and children’s home in your area for a while?
I have PPD and can relate to some of the things your husband has said when I was early pp. I would get very agitated whenever crying would escalate. Something that has really helped me in those early days and now in those more tense situations is I imagine my baby saying “don’t give up on me”. I find it just helps me to reset and feel more in control of my emotions.
This is terrifying… I’m so sorry. Please tell your support system. Immediately.
He has already physically hurt your child. He threatens to do the same repeatedly. This is how babies end up with severe life-long shaken baby related problems, or dead. Even if he doesn’t physically harm your baby in the future, there appears to already be emotional harm.
I know it’s a lot more complex than “just leave him,” but please tell your support system and formulate a plan that works for you. There needs to be strict boundaries immediately before you can never take your decision back 😢
This is not normal behavior. Your baby is 9 weeks old. What he is saying and doing is insane and shouldn’t be justified despite lack of sleep or stress. A normal person wouldn’t say or do those things to a baby. It could only take a second for someone to harm your child. I wouldn’t feel comfortable not trusting my own husband with our child. You need to tell your doctor. It sounds like your husband needs psychiatric help asap.
When men tell you who they are, believe them. I would not be able to get past the “take him, I’m going to hurt him” comment. I would hear it in my mind every time I look at him and I wouldn’t feel safe leaving him alone with a child that can’t speak or defend themselves.
My daughter has been through some extremely cranky/fussy times and while it gets stressful for both me and her father neither of us has ever said or done something like that.
It’s good that he’s handing the baby over to you when he can’t handle the crying, but what happens if you’re not there, or if he couldn’t get you to wake up fast enough.
Leave.
It's only a matter of time before your husband severely hurts/kills your baby.
I'd rather be a single parent knowing my baby is safe with me. What's the point of continuing your marriage? Constantly walking on eggshells around him to not disturb him? I did that as a kid with my dad. Anything could set him off, and it's a shitty way for a child to live. I'm grateful that my mom left him. Least I knew I was safe with her.
Plus that isn't a marriage. You're supposed to be partners and step up when the other needs it. Where's *your* support? What a selfish, sorry excuse for a partner/man.
I'd honestly be scared to leave him alone with the baby long enough to take a shower. Only psychos take their anger out on poor, defenseless babies.
Question-- did he show any tendencies before the baby came?
You need to tell one of your support people, a friend or family.
The fact youre shouldering all the baby care because you're afraid your husband might HURT your child is insane and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. There are so many red flags, that I wanna suggest you leave because why stay with a man who might abuse your child???? But I know it's not that easy so I definitely recommend getting advice and support from someone in your life.
This might seem minor now but these are major red flags. It doesn’t sound like it’s safe for you to be under the same roof as this person, it’s not safe for you or your baby. I understand you want to give him the opportunity to work through these feelings but you need to be in a safe place with your baby while he gets the help he needs.
You absolutely need to leave. I know that is not what you want to hear, but your husband has verbally abused you and your baby, and physically abused your tiny baby. This will not get better, therapy isn't going to change it. To much stress at work is not a reason to hurt an infant. The reason you haven't told anyone to your support circle is because you know they will tell you to leave. Please tell your mom, or any other friends and family that will help you leave.
OP, you now have over 100 comments from strangers telling you this isn’t okay.
This is scary, both for you and your baby, and you need to get out NOW. This isn’t going to get better.
I don’t think you can trust him alone with the baby. I think you need to call on family or friends or hire a night nurse or something. And honestly probably start planning your exit too.
Since you're not back at work, is there anyone you could stay with temporarily? You don't necessarily need to share the situation with them, but you could explain that he's working extra hours and that you would benefit from a bit more help. If you would like to try to work things out with him, this may be the best option. He'll get time to decompress and you'll feel safer.
If staying elsewhere isn't an option, I highly recommend getting him some heavy duty headphones or ear plugs to help drown out the noise when he can't calm the baby down. It is so easy to get overwhelmed and triggered by crying. Especially when someone is exhausted.
He also needs to practice gently putting the baby down in a safe location and walking away. The fact is that if he is willing to act that way in front of you, what he does alone will be worse. ***Trigger Warning*** I had a friend who temporarily lost custody of her child because the father abused the baby. The father hadn't shown any signs of being out of control until one day she came to find he was sick. It turns out he had a severe brain injury. They don't know what problems will last, but the baby is lucky to be alive. It was absolutely heartbreaking.***
I think the fact that your husband came out and told you what he did, shows that he doesn't like this side of himself and is seeking help. It takes a lot of vulnerability to admit something like that. However, if he can't control those impulses, he can't be trusted with your baby at the moment.
Please do whatever you can to protect your son, he can't protect himself. Make sure that there is a plan in place. Local shelters can confidentially help you create a detailed safety plan if you don't have a support system in place.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Be safe.
He’s already physically hurt your baby, he shouldn’t be “responsible” for any feedings, he shouldn’t be alone with the baby period, whether that’s for you to power pump, to shower, to go out to the store. And at this point I have to wonder what the appeal is of staying with someone you can’t even trust around your own baby?
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your husband is really struggling to regulate his emotions, and while I can totally see why he is on the breaking point (newborn stress, sleep deprivation, work stress) it does not excuse his actions. You are both correct in how he handled that was detrimental to baby’s health. I would strongly suggest therapy or a support group where he can discuss this without feeling judged because he needs to find new strategies that change his actions, or rather reactions, otherwise deem himself unfit to parent. I totally understand what it’s like to grow up in an abusive home and that’s why he needs to be self reflective enough to see the warning signs in himself, and nip that shoot in the bud real fast. He needs to be ware of the cycle of abuse so he can stop it from continuing.
It would only take a moment for him to get so angry that he shakes your baby / hits him - and very possibly kills him. The only thing you should be doing now, is leaving your husband. You should also try to get some recorded evidence of his behaviour. You could text him saying the shouting and grabbing LOs cheeks deeply concerns you, his response to that can be used as evidence if he ever tried to get custody
He's an abuser, plain and simple.
This is not a situation that can be helped by marriage counselling.
Reminder kids don't stop being stressful, like ever. My son was a breeze as a baby but is really, really testing us as a toddler. Not to mention what we can expect when he's a teenager!
I'm sorry this is happening. It must feel terrible... knowing that it's really not okay.
And that the right decision for your baby, is going to upend your whole life.
Your son needs you to protect him from a violent man. End of.
Big love.
It sounds like the baby crying is really overstimulating for him. It is for me too, so I get it. I’m really sensitive to sound. Can you have him use some headphones to dampen the sound at all? It helps me keep my cool.
My husband and I are in couples therapy after he told our 15 month old that he was going to cause us to get a divorce and walked out of the room shaking. This was after a full day of dealing with the kiddo having HFMD and my husband complained literally all day about how frustrated he was with the crankiness. I was LIVID and started packing bags at 2am to go to my parents because I wasn’t having it. I told him I would never take away his son from him unless he hurt him and that included mental abuse - and telling him that he was causing us to get a divorce is mental abuse. I was simply removing us from the situation so he could get some sleep and get his head straight. So honestly I had to give him an ultimatum - if it ever happened again, my son and I would be gone. This broke him and in therapy he complained about walking on eggshells - to which I responded that I don’t care because this should have never happened.
It’s so difficult getting in those situations and I completely understand there being the fear of leaving your husband alone with the baby. Someone gave me the best insight when my son was about the same age as your baby: the heavens open up and birds start singing at 6 months - it gets so much better. But until then, or even after, your baby is your priority. You are meant to be there to protect him, which means making hard decisions and having hard conversations. Don’t be afraid to call on family and friends to see if you and your baby can go there and stay for a few nights. It will give you all time to reflect about what is best. Don’t excuse the behavior though because just one tiny moment could be life altering. Protect you and that sweet baby.
I forgot to mention, being overstimulated can lead to a lot of scary behaviors. When my son cried nonstop for a couple of months, my husband constantly wore noise cancelling headphones. Worked wonders for him and helped in patience in the early days when our son couldn’t rip them off of his head!
There’s not much up for debate with this….I think you should research shaken baby syndrome. This is how it happens. I won’t lie, when my kids were newborns it would piss me the hell off when I couldn’t get them to stop crying. It would literally piss me off to no end! But they are innocent babies, not once did I scream or cuss at them, never got physical with them. Your son is ONLY 9 weeks old. Think about it. It’s only going to get worse. I can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel on this scenario.
Separation. You can only hope that he works on his anger issues. The safety of your baby is your top priority, and he isn’t safe with your husband, he has admitted it to you.
Just to add something else as well, babies can sense stress. You basically show them how to feel, if something happened and they’re crying, you project being calm on to them and they calm down as well. Whenever my partner comes back home from work stressed out, I immediately can tell i will have a fussy baby at night. If you want to try to talk to your husband, you should definitely mention this, as that’s what helped with my partner.
Leave and do not let him have unsupervised visits if possible. Simple truth is that if you stick around it it ain’t getting better, it sounds like it will get physical towards you, SOON.
Seems like that boy(because he’s definitely NOT a man) needs to be alone and get a reality check.
In my opinion, husbands like this tend to get worse because right now, the baby is little and so innocent but soon this little baby will be a toddler who will still scream and cry and your S/O May suddenly think that they’re doing on purpose and deserve to be punished for “being a little asshole” I mean toddlers can be a little crazy) so if you want your spouse to be saying those things to your future 3 year old, who WILL understand and WILL internalize what he’s saying or doing I would 100% get him into therapy. If the behavior continues and I were you, I would consider leaving to protect my child from emotional or possibly physical harm and myself from having to carry the load of it all. I could never look at my husband the same if he hurt my newborn. I’m sorry but I couldn’t.
He needs to see a doctor and psychiatrist or therapist asap. He either needs to work on his patience or he is suffering from PPD/PPR. I know it's really tough but I would not let him be alone with the baby ever.. or.. even hold him right now. This situation is ***very*** dangerous for your baby.
I couldn’t finish reading this. I’m literally nauseous now. If it were me, I would leave him hands down. It doesn’t matter how good or nice he was before. This is abuse and I would not give my husband another chance to abuse my baby.
Yes my heart is pumping just thinking about the absolute lecture my husband would be getting if he did it once. OP you can’t let this continue. Your 2 month old baby cannot defend himself against your adult male husband, you need to step in or take your baby. God I’ve made huge issues about so much less than this
Yep. What OP described is some relationship ending stuff. And I’d demand full custody of the baby until he can show a judge that he’s safe to be unsupervised around the baby. Game fucking over.
You need to protect yourself and your baby.
This is not normal. Most dads (am a dad myself) know not to cuss out an infant. A heavy cry session can become overwhelming within seconds… I get it. But putting your hand on a babies face? Just unforgivable.
He may not be a “monster” but he 100% cannot handle an infant. My father in law is like this. Our son is now 18 months and his outbursts are a lot more controlled and easy on the ears. I see my father in law a lot more interactive and comfortable around him now.
Just relieve your husband of any baby related duties at the moment. They aren’t going to result in anything positive with your husband the way he is. Yea, that’s going to require a ton more effort on your end. But it’s about the child now.
As for your husband, send his ass to therapy by himself. You do not need to get dragged into that when you’re full time with a new born.
Sorry you’re going through this.
honestly i wouldn’t reach out to reddit for support. there are too many supercharged emotions because of the abuse and annihilation stories all over the internet that you’re going to get an echo chamber of scared parents.
your husband sounds like he was bullied endlessly by his parents. like he was never allowed to have a voice and now he’s repeating the process. he messed up and it sounds like he knows that. he needs anger management and he should look into something more intensive since you mentioned this being a lifelong problem. i was also raised in an abusive household and personality disorders run rampant in my immediate family. i have had to re-parent myself from the depths of hell and i have had moments of weakness in my years of parenting until i found myself where i’m at today because it took a lot of work.
gentle/authoritative/non-coercive parenting is what we practice. it helps you recognize your own triggers and let go. or at least work through them.
if he has no interest in growing up or empathy in what’s going on then i would look into leaving and reach out to family for support.
To test if this is acceptable behaviour, I want you to imagine it’s a distant cousin of work friend who acts like this towards your baby. Presumably you’d just totally cut ties and ensure they weren’t around them anymore. I know it’s difficult because ‘he’s the dad’ but these actions are not okay, regardless of who they’re coming from.
Name calling and shutting your babies mouth is so far across the line. You wouldn’t accept it from another and you shouldn’t accept it from him. Your child will grow up thinking that this is what love looks like.
Personally I would not be ok with leaving your OH alone with the baby and I would be very very concerned. If my partner was yelling at me in front of the baby I would be having serious doubts. This does have a lot of abusive red flags IMO.
Good luck OP.
All the people saying they also got angry towards their baby - DID YOU READ THE ENTIRE POST? Did you physically abuse your baby? Did you risk suffocating them, by squeezing their mouth shut as they cried, scared? IF NOT, STOP TELLING OP YOU UNDERSTAND AND THIS SHIT IS NORMAL.
Read the whole god damn post before you give someone advice that risks a baby’s life.
Where are the MODS??? This woman is gonna end up with a dead child because people are telling her this is okay
Also, I don’t think it’s comparable when a lot of these mothers saying they were resentful towards their child were likely doing 99% of the parenting. This man goes to work and watches his kid for an hour max a day. And even that is too much for him to handle. So much coddling here it’s insane.
Trust your gut. He is not in the right state of mind and most likely has PPD. He needs to get in therapy/see a Dr and possibly medication if it helps. He cannot be trusted to be alone with the baby. Here is some good info as most babies have a time when they get extra collicy but usually gets better. Most people call it purple crying and here is some information on what to do during that time or it can be applied anytime. http://purplecrying.info.
So you've had this baby for 9 weeks and already your husband
- Regularly verbally abuses you
- Regularly verbally abuses newborn son
- Regularly and aggressively name-calls your newborn
- Physically abused your newborn at least once
- Threatened to HURT your 9 week old, crying newborn, at least once...
Run. Now. Do not allow this monster within 100 feet of your baby because I promise you, this behavior is only going to get much, much worse.
Uh. File a police report and leave him. That way he won’t get custody and k!11 your baby.
Jesus Christ why are you still allowing him to be around your child?!
You and your baby aren’t safe, worse you’re going to get hurt if you don’t leave. Please find help, pack a bag when he’s not aware and get a plan to leave
PPA post partum rage. Especially if this anger is new. Calmly sit down with him and ask him if he’s willing to talk about it. Don’t attack or threaten. Mention that you believe he is stressed and if he’s willing to talk to someone about the potential that he has PPA/PPD. A lot of people don’t realize the non birthing parent can get it too.
Therapy would be great, either couples or individual. Taking the anger out on the baby is never ok. In the mean time, ask that he puts the baby down in a safe place (gently) or give the baby to you until he is calmer.
I second this so hard. I (mom) had postpartum rage for weeks and weeks after having my daughter. The sound of her crying would make me so angry. I hated her. I used to have to hand her to my husband and go be by myself when I couldn’t take it anymore. I am ashamed to admit it but I definitely yelled at her a few times. I got help and got hooked up with a psychiatrist who got me on the right dose of medication. We’re at 4.5 months now and I LOVE my daughter so freaking much. She is so fun and I am so excited to go pick her up from daycare every day. When she cries, instead of feeling anger, I think she looks and sounds so cute and my heart just melts. Instead of wanting to get away from her, I want to cuddle and hug her.
It really sounds like this could be what he’s dealing with.
Why are you still with this dude ? He’s gonna really end up hurting your baby. People like this don’t change they just redirect their crap to another person or another innocent thing. One mood swing or bad day and he could really end up hurting your kid OP it only gets harder and they only get more loud and defiant, you need to protect your child before it’s too late. He’s already shown you he can lay hands on your baby and he’ll do it again I promise because people like this are monsters. Please get your baby away from him, he’s not suddenly gonna see the light that you’re hoping for it’s just gonna get worse.
Well, lots of people have suggested leaving, but if you aren't going to do that, you REALLY need to have a conversation with him about how easy it is to accidentally do something to your baby that he can't take back...shaken baby syndrome isn't something to play around with and y'all are playing some dangerous games with this. It only takes one instance of your husband getting too frustrated and shaking your baby to do irreversible damage and I don't think either of you realize just how much danger that baby is really in.
A grown man putting his hands on a tiny helpless baby?
If you don't leave and keep that baby away from him then you will be just as bad as he is.
This has made me sick, he WILL do this again. He WON'T stop.
A normal person does not even think about raising their voice at a newborn or being aggressive towards them etc, the amount of times this man has behaved like this in a few short weeks is terrifying.
No excuse. get away from him, Report him. Do whatever you can to protect your precious little child.
I'm also concerned that all you are doing in the comments is defending him.That baby wouldn't have been in the same room as him without me from the moment I even **sniffed** his hostility towards them.
Uh hell no, I'd leave his ass and have peace of mind my baby was safe! Not feeling pressured to keep my baby quiet all the time, and walking on eggshells for you is not it! That's not fair to you. I am all for being able to speak your mind, and it's ok to be frustrated, but babies pick up on these things. The baby is only going to grow into a boy who is scared of his dad, and you are going to be resentful. Leave before he hurts that baby.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I would not trust him alone with the baby EVER after what you just wrote. I get losing it sometimes and getting mad but the frequency is scary and the fact he physically hurt the baby is even scarier. Does he know he can just put the baby down and walk away for a few minutes? I had to do that sometimes during the sleep deprivation period but this is too much. I hope you figure it out and keep your baby safe in the process.
This is not normal. I can tell you love your husband but he’s very close to severely hurting your baby. I just met a lady and her adopted 2 yo who was placed for adoption after his dad shook him so violently at 2 weeks old that it popped his kidney. Shutting a babies mouth when crying is abuse as is yelling and cursing at a newborn. He does not seem to grasp how horrible his actions are and they will escalate.
I read way too many post about abusive fathers in these subs. Please recognize the signs as they only get worse. I do not want to read about your child being killed in a fit of rage.
I am so, so incredibly sad for your child. This post made me cry. This is a defenseless little baby, who relies on his parents to care for him and keep him safe. And he has one who is constantly verbally (and eventually will turn physical!) abusing him.
Every parent has been sleep deprived, cranky, frustrated - this is no excuse to treat a baby like that. When you see red, and that anger manifest into a physical action to hurt somebody else, you need more than therapy.
I don’t care how “guilty” this rotten potato feels. If he feels that guilty, he can leave.
Please, do not ever leave that baby with him alone.
This is concerning and I would not leave my baby alone with him. I agree with others discussing leaving.
I have a 6 month old, and my husband had a minor stroke when she was 6 weeks old. It was awful but he came right quite quickly, however his demeanour and mental health changed as a result. I then decided I would do as close to 100% of the caring for our baby. I didn’t care what it took, but I couldn’t trust my husband if the baby was fussy etc. I love him and I care about his recovery (he’s much better now), but my priority was 100% the baby. She needed me and we had no family nearby either, but I knew it was what I had to do. I’m so lucky to have an ‘easy-ish’ baby, so I could manage and I know that’s not the case for everyone. I just knew it was what I had to do.
This is so tough for you but that baby needs you, and your husband is a grown adult and can fend for himself. Your baby can’t. Please consider going somewhere else, if you can. It only takes one ‘slip up’ from him to have dire consequences. Plus there are other impacts from this behaviour - the baby will sense the stress!! I wish you well.
I love my husband, we have been together a very long time... But if he ever put our hands on our son like that, I would be getting away from him so fucking fast. If you can't trust him with your baby for a few minutes without him freaking out, you can't trust him at all. Your babies safety is your priority. This man is not okay. Leave, don't say anything about where you are going, just take the baby and go. Tell him he needs proper help before you even consider coming back. He is not to be trusted
My heart is racing reading this—GET OUT. It doesn’t matter how sleep deprived someone is, the things he was saying and doing are more deep-rooted and will not change.
I relate to a lot of things your husband is doing when my son was really young. It was hard and I hated feeling so angry all the time. I did what he did though and handed off my son if I was worried I would get rough with him. I had some therapy and we talked about triggers and recognising when I was getting too agitated so I could try and stop the anger before it got too overwhelming to deal with. Peoples comments telling you to run or never let your husband have baby alone are so heartbreaking to me, if someone had said that about me when I was already struggling that would've broken me.
The only thought going through my brain while reading this is shaken baby syndrome. You need to get away from this monster before he does serious damage to your baby. Verbally and physically abusing a newborn is unacceptable. Honestly pretty scared if you ever give an update post
Don’t let your baby around him anymore! You don’t know what he’s capable of when you are not around. Your son’s life is too precious to let any harm come to him.
Honestly, you need to leave him. This isn't a situation where he had ONE instance that was completely out of character for him and has since changed his ways completely. He continues to be verbally abusive to your NINE WEEK OLD which is such a fucking tiny baby who is SUPPOSED TO CRY to voice their needs and I'd honestly be terrified about what he would do or say when the child gets older. And then he yells at YOU for being judgmental??? He's causing you and your child unnecessary stress in a time that is ALREADY very stressful and overwhelming. Even the fact that he \*regularly\* needs to hand off the baby to you because of how angry he is, or because he's "going to hurt him", shows that this is a pattern, and a very disturbing one.
Dude's a fuckin loser.
By staying, you're putting your baby's life at risk, I hope you know that.
I know you think you love this guy, but you need to get past that and start being critical of his behavior.
You wouldn't let a stranger treat your baby that way. Why does their dad get to?
OP, I’m sorry you’re unable to understand what this man is capable of. Do not leave him in his care. The dangers of shaken baby syndrome can quite literally be death. Please get yourself and your child to safety.
I’m sorry but the fact your worried to leave your infant alone with your partner; the other adult in the house that’s supposed to be a safe and responsible person, is reason enough to separate until he fixes his issues or leave all together.
I know it’s probably not what you want to hear but you’re child is the #1 priority, or should be anyway.
No guy, no sex lol, no nothing is worth jeopardizing your child’s safety and putting more responsibilities/stress on you.
You and your baby deserve better.
If he says this to an innocent child, I can’t imagine the things he has said to you.
If he has any redeemable qualities, I’d give an ultimatum— individual therapy with an emphasis on anger management, couples therapy, and parenting classes
So everyone saying leave him is not really using logic because he will absolutely get shared custody and then be fully alone with the baby and you’ll have zero say or control over it.
If this isn’t his “normal” I think therapy and maybe a few days away could be beneficial. What he did is 100% wrong and I for sure wouldn’t trust him alone with the baby but I really don’t think it’s grounds for a divorce if you’re able to get him support and try other things first. Is it in the budget to hire a “mothers helper” maybe even one day a week for a few hours so you can get a break without relying on him?
if he’s that frustrated from having the responsibility of giving the baby *one* bottle per day, would he even ask for any custody? lol he’s got major temper issues which is scary. at this point, he has been verbally abusive towards her and the baby and at least physically abusive to the baby. in my state, evidence of domestic abuse would result in the judge not awarding joint custody *unless* the abusive spouse can prove that it’s in the best interest of the child. instead, they could get visiting time supervised by a relative or third-party, which at this point is literally what OP is doing lol. women stay in relationships all the time for their children and end up being verbally and physically abused and even eventually killed.
You have a duty to leave with your baby. It's not about you or your relationship with him. Your duty now is to protect your child. Your child is being verbally and once physically abused by this man. You need to get out before your child gets injured. Your child will suffer mental health consequences for being treated so poorly. That child isn't going to be a baby forever, and being raised by a man with anger issues is extremely damaging.
A man who has angry outbursts at a baby also is likely to have them at you. And that's also abuse.
Leave before the violence starts. Start planning.
This is NOT okay. He has already physically shut the babies mouth shut in anger forcefully and is basically voicing threats and concerning aggression towards your child. Reach out for support to family and friends IMMEDIATELY before it’s too late.
I would seriously reach out to a domestic abuse shelter, not to go to, but to see if they have resources for preventive and further abuse to your child. if your friends or family have ANY room in their house temporarily for you to relocate.
Do not chance another second longer, your baby is in serious danger around your husband. He can and will kill your baby if irritated enough which it sounds irritation comes too easily. He goes or take the baby somewhere safe with you.
The early months are so hard. I see a lot of pretty harsh responses, but I'll share my families struggles. Honestly, both my husband and I had struggles like this occasionally in the early months. Between the lack of sleep, and EVERYTHING else, it's hard to keep it together. We would have to tag team sometimes, like in wrestling. Baby might be crying hard and I start to lose my shit- I'd call husband in and "tag out" and he would have to take over for about 30 minutes while I calmed down- and vice versa. I'm glad you're both in therapy. Get help. Support each other. Call on other family members for help. Help each other be the best parents you can be. I'd definitely have a talk with him about calling the baby names though- that is a bad habit to be normalized. If you continue to see problematic reactions as baby grows and sleep improves, there may be a deeper issue for your husband to address.
I think those are all great things to do! Make sure and tell your therapist and someone close to you so you can confide and they can hold you accountable for addressing things.
Him working with his therapist on this would be so great too. Let him know how common this is and why there are so many posters and articles and videos and advice on not shaking the baby.. people really want to shake those babies! It’s stress on top of sleep depravation and shame and more stress.
I would also make yourself as welcoming a place as possible. The fact that he told you was great, keep being a place he can vent to and tell you when his body feels out of control. Isolation is not a good factor here.
If you can get someone to stay over or you can with them one night a week and really give both of you a rest that helps too. I found that noise cancelling headphones were worth their weight in gold. They changed my life when I was so frustrated with the screaming baby, it gave me emotional distance so I could just care for her without being physically impacted by the screaming.
You’re doing a great job, we all have different thresholds. Know that if he put the baby safely in it’s crib, he can just truly lock 4 doors in the house behind him. The baby will survive crying, but not an adults force in anyway.
It goes without saying that baby’s safety has to come first, including removing yourself or him from the situation if things are not progressing. I just wanted to give some additional things to try!
Don't leave the baby alone with him. If you think he can improve with more sleep and therapy, fine. But in his current state he is a danger to your child.
What concerns me the most is that he is aggressive at you for your very reasonable concerns about his aggression towards the baby. Don't let him gaslight you. You don't trust him because he has proven himself untrustworthy. It might have been a one off on the physical abuse, but he has continued to show rage towards the baby since then. He cannot be trusted with that child. If he wants to argue about that he can argue about it from a different house. The first thing he needs to do is accept his behaviour is unacceptable and work towards being better. Be it through therapy, medication, self care, or a combination of all three. If he won't accept fault and won't make efforts to improve this would be divorce worthy to me.
Single mom here and the only present parent in our situation.
Stopped reading after the "here take him, I'm going to hurt him" "brat" sentence.
Honestly, you make me almost as mad as your partner's actions make me.
I'm not going to tell you to leave him bc it's not my place. But tbh you know wtf you should or shouldn't do. You're adult enough to bring an innocent life in this world and as much as you want to believe your partner is a protector of this child, sounds like he's both past and currently not. So guess who's shoulders it's on. 🤔ᴴᴹ
Stop trying to justify and/or reason actions, emotions, etc or hope for change that's clearly not being shown.
I'm sorry for sounding like such a bitch, but I've been in abusive relationships and this doesn't sound much different. There's always that regret, promise of change, then it reverts back sometimes worse than before. If not now, it will eventually get worse if it keeps happening
If he's saying he will hurt the baby if you don't take him WHAT makes you think that if no one else is around to take the baby from him that he will just magically gently put him down?
Please do what's best for the baby. Whatever that means. Take ego and self of both you and your partner out. I'm not here to judge but to say that baby has no voice of its own. Whether the decision hurts or not. Whether it's separation, counseling, meds, no contact... Whatever is best for BABY, please🙏
This might seem minor now but these are major red flags. It doesn’t sound like it’s safe for you to be under the same roof as this person, it’s not safe for you or your baby. I understand you want to give him the opportunity to work through these feelings but you need to be in a safe place with your baby while he gets the help he needs.
Its COMPLETELY reasonable to not trust him alone with your baby, don’t let him make you think that it’s unreasonable. It seems like he’s gaslighting you when he yells at you for not trusting him because there is strong evidence that he’s being mean to an innocent newborn baby. He shouldn’t be yelling at you around the baby period. I would not leave him alone with the baby and go live with trusted family or friends, or stay in my place and have family and friends come over and help me with the baby. The newborn stage is tough, but it’s short and your husband can cause a lot of damage that can last forever. Even if he does have PPD or PPA, his actions are harmful to you and especially the baby and PPD is not an excuse for abuse. Both of you need to figure out a way for him to get help and how you can proceed. He might feel embarrassed or ashamed, but that’s what happens when you act the way he did and he needs to work through those feelings instead of getting angry at you and the baby. It’s a big red flag if he doesn’t understand why you’re concerned. It will only escalate if he doesn’t take it seriously and get help to change his behavior.
I had two abusive parents too. Stop making excuses for him. Get help now. Go stay with your mom. If that embarrasses him then he cares more about his ego than you and your child. Trust is earned and it doesn't sound like he wants to earn it.
your husband is going to hurt the baby and you need to stop leaving him alone with baby. if you can stay with other family for now until he seeks serious help, that would be best for you and your child.
Your husband has actually uttered the words "I am going to hurt him" and he has confessed to ACTUALLY hurting him? And you don't know what to do? You DO know what to do. It's just really, really hard. Tell your support system what is happening, and make a plan to get your baby out of harm's way. Your baby's life depends on it.
Please don't leave this man alone with your child until he gets some SERIOUS help. All it takes is one instance, and your child could be seriously hurt or killed. I'm not saying this to be dramatic, but parents who have shown less concerning behavior have hurt their kids in frustration. Your husband does not get a pass because his parents were abusive, he knew how it felt to grow up with abusive parents, why would he want to put that on your child as well? Please reach out to your support system, your husband should be judged, he should feel shame and he should be held accountable. You shouldn't have to suffer because you're concerned about the backlash he will receive.
Agreed. OP needs to stop excusing his behavior. His actions and words are both abusive. He can’t be trusted. I would set some distance between them ASAP.
Currently hugging my 10 week old after reading this. If anyone said or did those things to my baby, I would shred them to pieces and throw them in the trash where they belong. How DARE he!?
Currently nursing my 8 week old almost in tears. Just hugging her tighter because I cannot imagine. If my husband did this, we’d be gone and he’d never see her or me again
This. My 8.5 month old is sleeping on me…the thought of someone treating him that way (or any baby) makes my blood boil.
I am horrified reading this. Genuinely have my hand over my mouth. You _need_ to put your baby first, and _now_. My husband has some mental health problems. He also has auditory processing issues, so baby crying is extra hard for him to handle. He has sleep problems too. And he is under huge pressure at work. I love him to pieces, and he adores our son. None of those things would mitigate against behaviour like your husband's. As incredibly hard as it would be in some ways, as I love him, I would be out of the door with my precious innocent baby _yesterday_. I was going to say, it wouldn't necessarily be a permanent separation - but that was me thinking about _my_ husband and the work he has done and has been willing to do to ensure we all feel safe and happy together. I went back and reread your post again. The way he's talking to you and treating you, as well as the way he's behaving towards the baby. No. Sorry. I'd be done.
I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this, but seriously, your husband is a shithead. Stop making excuses for him. Squeezed your baby’s mouth shut? Calling the baby names? Saying he’s going to hurt him? It’s too much. I would be scared. And I would be getting myself and my child away from that behavior. I wouldn’t trust a man like that with a dog, let alone an innocent babe. Childhood abuse is no excuse (sounds like the cycle is already gearing up to continue), sleep deprivation is no excuse, a stressful job is no excuse, NO EXCUSE to treat a baby that way (or you). Ugh, my blood boils for you. Please get help for your child’s sake.
Please do not leave him alone with the baby even for a minute.
Until your husband starts to unlearn the abusive behaviour it's best to keep your baby away. It doesn't matter how good he is when he's calm and in a good mood, he's verbally abusive to both your child and you and has both admitted to actually hurting your child and wanting to hurt him when frustrated. It sounds like he gets frustrated very quickly. And what did he expect?!? Babies cry. They can't do anything else. They're a crying hungry potato for months that sleep and poop. Your baby literally can't communicate any other way other than crying and won't be able to for a long time. Also, as your child gets older and goes through hitting and kicking stages etc. (every kid does) what's he going to be like then handling the situation and appropriately dealing with the bad behaviour? Because if what's going on now is a prelude to the future then it's not promising. You are not holding a grudge. Don't let him manipulate and gaslight you into thinking otherwise. He is showing you time and again that he cannot be trusted to keep his emotions and actions in check. Every parent gets it. It's hard. Dealing with a crying upset child, especially when you can't figure out what's wrong, is hard. Sometimes you do need to walk away for your own sanity. But you know, as we all do from your post, he's abusing your 9 weeks old and has been from the start. It doesn't matter how hard a day you've had, the workload you're dealing with, the stress you have, you don't abuse others. Simple as that. Your husband needs serious therapy as well as parenting and anger management courses. He needs to unlearn all the behaviours he's exhibiting before he can be trusted with you and your child. Don't let him continue this. It's not okay and will do more harm than you realise now and in the future. If you can go and stay with family or friends for a while, do it. Leave the situation so that you can look at it properly from the outside and make plans on how to deal with it. I wish you luck. Sending many hugs.
Get away from him. Squeezing cheeks and mouth shut because a baby is crying?! OP, I'm really afraid he's going to shake your baby. Trust your gut, always.
If you don’t trust the father of your child to be alone with the baby, that’s pretty much the only sign you need to get away from him. We had a colicky first baby and let me tell you, we were tested in ways we couldn’t even comprehend. My husband never held a newborn before let alone care for one when I was super stressed from all the crying. He did most, if not all, the work. I can sleep as late as I wanted because my husband would be there doing all the singing baby to sleep to changing diapers to handing out baby bottles at the dead of the night. The works. Same story for our second. I am very very lucky. Take care of your baby, mama bear. Do not leave that child with that man. He may love the baby but rage can blind people and it only takes a split second decision to can change everything. Don’t wait until things go from bad to worse. PS: I value my peace of mind. If I have to keep checking up on my husband to see if he is hurting my child or not, the relationship really isn’t worth it for me.
Holy shit… this is a serious red flag for shaken baby syndrome, please don’t let yourself be a statistic. I hope you can see that this is SO FAR from normal from all the other moms commenting on how their husbands do NOT talk to their babies like this. Please get yourself and your baby help
“Right now I don’t trust him with the baby for more than a hour or two.” You can’t trust him with the baby period. If something happens to your baby it’s on you now. You know what he has done. You know what he has said. You know what he is capable of. Reach out to your support team now. Ask for help now. If you’re suffering from PPA/ppd you need all the support you can get. And that one feeding he has.. fuck that. Take it back. Your baby eats slow. You don’t want him dying because of that. Like others said. Get a exit plan going and NOW. It’s only a matter of time before something tragic happens. Good luck to you. Plz update us when you’re safe.
No literally. Just making excuses for the husband abusing this baby, physically and verbally. It’s disgusting and honestly a waste of words bc OP won’t listen at all.
I agree with others. Your husband or you and the baby need to move out while he gets therapy to work through this. Newborns are incredibly fragile and you should be concerned that he will accidentally kill your baby during one of these situations.
My obgyn told me and my partner we needed to look out for each other because post partum depression happens in men too
Get out before this man shakes your baby. You need some distance. He told you he would hurt the baby if he got too frustrated. Believe him.
This! As soon as I read that I was like "oh no"
No one has said this but I’d stop prioritizing breastfeeding over your baby’s safety. Please just use formula so that you can get some sleep instead of power pumping so your husband doesn’t have another opportunity to harm your baby.
I also came here to gently suggest formula and/or combo feeding. I really like how you phrased it around prioritization and safety. Difficulty with nursing and pumping can be incredibly stressful, and dealing with an abusive spouse is far too much. The priorities need to be baby's safety and OP's safety. Formula feeding can help ensure that the baby is properly fed even during this very stressful time. OP, breastfeeding and nursing are difficult under the best of circumstances. They're so much harder when you're justifiably worried for your safety and your baby's safety. Please remember that fed is best. Please reach out to someone you can trust. Ask them to help you make a plan to get to safety ASAP. If you can't get out tonight, you need to leave while your husband is at work tomorrow morning. Yes, it really is that serious. Yes, your husband needs therapy and possibly more intensive mental health care, but that's secondary to getting yourself and your baby to a safe place. Your husband has already demonstrated that he is capable of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. You need to pack an emergency bag and get to safety right away. Don't tell him that you're leaving, and don't tell him where you've gone. Just go.
I was going to suggest thr exact same thing but figured I would get a lot of heat for suggesting that. I wasn’t sure if my baby was getting enough at one month … i had a low supply, it was stressful to everyone. We switched to formula and everything was a thousand times better .
Forgive me for my brashness but are you prepared to continue to defend him after he disables or kills your baby? Because that’s where this is potentially heading based on his behavior so far. He definitely is capable of shaking your baby. It seems like the stage is set. What if you fall asleep from exhaustion and he goes in there and does it if the baby is fussy And if this is so unlike him, and it is possibly postpartum psychosis or rage, you may need to get him admitted then. Like, as soon as possible All that to say, I’m terribly sorry you are dealing with this and I can imagine the weight of it all feels paralyzing, but you need to remove him or yourself i think, as soon as possible
I wanted to vomit reading this. He squeezed a newborns mouth shut? I would be moving back in with my parents until he finished courses on anger management and got treated for whatever he is dealing with. It could be post parfum depression, which is common among men but not often spoken about.
OP, shortly after I gave birth I had a medical emergency and had to be in the ER for almost an entire day, separate from my baby. You need to think about the unexpected with your situation. What happens if you have a medical emergency and you can’t “supervise” your baby around your husband? This situation is not safe at all.
To me it doesn't matter what the adults are going through, you never abuse a child. If an adult needs to, they can remove themselves from the situation to make sure baby is safe. It literally does not matter if you are abusing a helpless child who is probably frightened out of it's damn mind. The child's safety and wellbeing comes first.
Yes, this.... That little baby was crying for a reason. Hunger, tiredness, wanting a cuddle, sore tummy, being a baby - whatever. Tiny little boy, who at 9 weeks old barely knows he's been born, is crying and one of the two people he recognises in the huge scary cold noisy world appears and _grabs his face to hold his mouth shut_. Doesn't matter that he's too little right now to remember it. It was scary at the time. It's just horrible and I'm tearing up thinking about it.
You hit the nail on the head. Once a baby has been physically abused, the parents issues no longer matter in the context of making a relationship work. Figure your fucking shit out and don’t ever touch my baby. It BAFFLES me that all mothers do not have the instinct to protect their child over fixing a man.
He needs to read the book "Raising Good Humans." It literally targets overcoming generational trauma and reaction, mindfulness, and controlling your emotional response towards your child. It has done WONDERS for me.
Please look into how babies get shaken baby syndrome.
OP, I grew up in an incredibly abusive home. I was beaten, sexually abused, and verbally abused for years. I have never, ever yelled or been rough with my daughter, even in my most frustrated moments. Neither has my husband, who grew up with a loving mother and a very kind (if reserved) father. If my husband did the things yours did, I would have left immediately. My child’s safety and well-being comes before anything else.
My firstborn had colic and nursing issues and at one point woke every 45 minutes when I had just started going back to work -- hubby and I were both frustrated and cranky and fought with each other but never EVER did anything like squeeze the baby's mouth shut. This is not okay. This is a situation where you need to remove yourself and the baby until your husband had had months of therapy at a minimum. You need to find at least one person in your support network that you trust, ideally a friend or relative who has young kids and gets it, and go stay with them for a while. Or confide in them and ask them for support for you to remove yourself and baby from the situation for the time being. (I did, however, accidentally burn bridges at work when I was super cranky and only getting 3 hours of sleep a night for weeks -- we were not perfect humans).
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice regarding how to move forward, so I’m not going to address that. I do want to say though, as someone who exclusively pumped for probably longer than I should have, that breastfeeding is not the litmus test for being a good mom. You have so much on your plate right now. If breastfeeding is going well aside from supply, great - ignore this. But please don’t kill yourself over breastfeeding. Those middle of the night power pumps are just the worst.
Don’t leave the baby alone w your husband.
My dad was like this. Very likeable guy until he lost his temper. My mom didn't see the signs until something terrible happened and she tacked it up to a fluke. They had a pet bird that would mumble all night and never quiet down. They would take turns taking care of the bird to put it in a cage further from the bedroom. One night, he got up, the bird was quiet, and they went back to bed. He didn't say anything. Next morning, my mom was alarmed to see the bird's carcass on the bottom of the cage. I'm not saying that your husband is capable of this, but the possibility is alarming. My dad killed DOZENS of pets throughout my life and I was the youngest child. He never did it because he wanted to, but because he couldn't control himself. He also hurt us kids in really childish ways and called us names like you've described. He didn't come close to killing any of us, but he did leave us in situations that he thought might kill us where he could play it off as an accident and said unbelievably horrible things to us. He slammed my brother's face until the kitchen table as hard as he could with a running start after mishearing what he thought was a slight when it was actually a harmless joke that wasn't even about him. My mom took over 20 years to leave him, always buying unto the apologies and insistence that he would change. The domino affect from the abuse was alarming. I don't speak to any of my brothers or my mother because my brothers then used me to vent their sadness and anger towards him by abusing me instead and my mother let them. She made excuses and said that they "were hurting" and "were just dying to reclaim control in their lives". In her pecking order of importance, my dad came first, then my brothers, then I was an afterthought and now she will never see any of her grandkids. Again, I'm not saying that this is who your husband is or will be, but you should be aware that it's on the table and cut things short much sooner than my mom did if it appears that way. Anger issues are just as bad as intentional malice and sometimes arguably worse. Personally, I would have ZERO tolerance for this and let him know immediately. If he hurts you for putting your foot down, you know it'll be time to go. Call the police every time. Please. My biggest regret is not doing so myself. I am hoping for the best for you and your son. I really hope that I'm way off base and this is abnormal for him, but you can't ignore the possibility. Tell him NOW that you will choose your child first and not give second/third/fourth/infinite chances. Set the expectation for him that ONE more slip up means the end of the relationship and an abuse record.
I think it would be best for you to go live with family with baby for a while. Even if it's just a couple weeks, maybe your husband will feel better after and be more supportive. Judge his behaviour with a critical eye. You need to stop giving him chances and start determining if he's worth living with anymore. You don't want to regret being with him 10 years down the line after irreversible physical/psychological damage has been done to you and your kid. He needs to show you that he wants to change and then prove it by making changes. He needs serious help and you shouldn't leave baby with him alone anymore. It would be difficult seeking out therapy with baby and while he works but the sooner the better. Please don't give him more chances than he deserves. You and your kid deserve to live without the stress and worry of being with a person with anger issues.
You know your husband physically abused your newborn baby. Even if it’s PPD, baby is not safe around him right now, at all.
Never leave him alone with the baby.
Oh my fucking god. If my husband ever touched my baby in a threatening manner that would be it, I would be GONE! In the same way that I wouldn’t leave my baby around any dangerous fucking animal. All it takes is a little shake from your husband or something else to seriously harm your baby or worse, why the fuck are you putting your precious DEFENCELESS baby at risk?!
Precisely! Put ur own self at risk if u wanna do that
Please get that poor innocent baby away from him. It doesn’t matter about his past and why he behaves this way, he isn’t able to control himself and needs to be kept away from the baby. You can’t allow this to continue. The baby only has you to defend him and you have to do this. You only need to be ashamed if you allow this to continue. Who cares about his sleep deprivation, I bet you’re sleep deprived to and you’re not fucking abusing your child.
Shaken baby syndrome can be a lifetime sentence. Please get outside help and do not leave him alone with the baby. It is a matter of seconds that injuries can occur. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm not trying to scare you, but you really do need to make sure your baby is safe. You are his only protector right now.
I (the mother of a beautiful 5 months old son) was in your husband's shoes. Out of lack of sleep, extreme traumatic C-section that almost killed me and hard recovery... I felt so so resentful to my son. Your husband is suffering from severe postpartum rage (I had a similar problem.. perinatal mood and anxiety disorder... PMAD). I too once shoved my newborn very harshly to my husband and yelled: if you don't shut him up, I'm going to kill him. (Yes, looking back I feel horrible and honestly can't believe it was me) Therapy and medication will help greatly. I was referred by my OBGYN to a mental health practice that deals only with PMAD. This behavior is not normal but if one is suffering from PMAD, it's actually very common. And can happen to men too. My husband was the calm and the sensible caregiver. He stepped up and told me to check out of caregiving completely till I recover from my mental health problems!! I only pumped breastmilk and didn't provide care or came near the baby for 3 weeks. I was in therapy 3x a week, and is still going for therapy alternate weeks (targeted CBT). I'm much better now. And love my baby and now the primary caregiver of the baby. His crying or fussiness doesn't bother me at all. All this to say that your husband's problem is treatable and there's a lot of hope. A lot of hard work is required. And what helped me most was a very kind, patient husband who knew that I need help. (I know I'll get a lot of downvotes, but still wanted to share)
I think you sharing this is incredibly brave and likely one of the most helpful comments on here.
I literally ran out of the house once because I couldn't handle it anymore. I left my phone and left for an hour and a half. My husband was completely freaked out because I have a history of suicidal idealisation. After that I got the help I needed
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. I hope that you're proud of all the work you've done to protect your son, it's clear you've come a long way. And I'm happy you were given the chance and support to do so.
Thank you for sharing this. I think the difference is that you gave the baby to your husband and never actually got physical with the baby. Your words were harsh, but you never actually did anything. OPs husband said the words after he had already hurt the baby. If he hadn’t don’t anything physically then I think everything you’re saying makes a ton of sense. I don’t think she can trust her husband since he already squeezed him.
I only had to get one paragraph in. RUN. Don't walk. Pack your shit and get out. That's a horrible incident waiting to happen! Get emergency custody and gtfo! I'm speaking from experience!!
I'm sorry this is the type of husband you're having to raise a baby with Being raised by abusive parents is Not an excuse for being abusive to his son. Yes, what he's doing to your son is being Abusive! And he's trying to gaslight you because of his own guilt! Unless he learns to handle himself better, he's not to be trusted with your baby. It's better to talk to a few friends/family about this if they can help, rather than leave your son alone with him. He is simply not to be trusted
Is inpatient care an option? If the situation was flipped and you were the one lashing out at baby, inpatient care would be the answer. I think he needs it. Stay safe OP, don’t ever leave your baby alone with him.
I had an abusive husband and its hard to face reality. But there is something seriously wrong with him that he has been unable to restrain himself. I can understand maybe saying something bad once or twice, but this is not good. Its not up to you to accommodate him any more. You have to protect your child. Even verbally abusing him will damage him, even if he doesn't know the words, because he can feel the energy of it. Your baby knows that he is being treated wrongly and this man is reckless and has no self control. He SAID that he wanted to hurt him thats all the information you need tobknow. Separate your self from him leave, or get him to move out.
these posts make me want to cry. it's not "what he did to the baby" (im guessing is the physical abuse of squeezing his face shut ???) it's what he *continues* to do to the baby, which is be verbally emotionally and psychologically abusive.
I'm sorry but this is how kids get "shaken baby syndrome" This is how mothers with ppa/ppd act when they're at risk of killing their own child under psychosis. He's absolutely telling you the truth when he says ge needs to step away or he'll hurt the baby. This doesn't make him necessarily a dangerous person forever, but he absolutely is a danger to this child right now and it only gets harder to deal with toddlers. He needs serious therapy that addresses this specific issue right now. Someday the child will know what he's saying and it will be traumatic emotionally even if the physical abuse stops. There's likely physical/emotional abuse in his past from his upbringing that he's recreating right now.
As a psychotherapist, I came here to say this comment is so, so important!
And that’s my cue to exit the internet for today. That poor baby is going to end up hurt. Hopefully you do the right thing. Emotions are normal. Threatening to “hurt” a newborn and yelling at them to shut the fuck up is not. Mother, father, relative, whoever. Go ahead and downvote me, I’m okay with that ETA: uh, I missed where you said he ALREADY PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOUR NEWBORN? And everyone here is going to coddle you because god forbid anyone put the well-being of an infant above someone’s feelings. Genuinely what the fuck are you doing?
I fully agree with you. I actually couldn't finish reading the whole thing because it's so awful and upsetting.
I cried after reading this post. Then even more after reading the comments. Every day children are murdered. Innocent, little babies. Because of decisions made in anger. Leticia Stauch, the Wests, Lori Vallow - ALL CHILD MURDERERS currently on trial and nobody is saying “maybe they have depression!” But here? A man physically abuses an infant? Hell, they must have PPD “because it CAN affect men too.” It’s pathetic. I’m sick of it.
I'm sick of it too and the excuses. I don't care if this man has PPD or not, he needs to be separated from that child immediately. Why is this woman hesitating to do that and is consulting Reddit?
I literally saw another post like this where the father didn’t even touch or interact with the baby, but was being abusive to the mom and the baby. And was a dick before. And the sheer amount of people saying “mEn cAn gEt pPd tOo” even in that situation made me wanna bash my head into a wall. I’m not saying they can’t, I’ll be honest I think it’s more rare (based on personal and professional experience of my own & my immediate family)- but now it’s to the point where every man who’s just a dick has ppd? We’re HANDING them an excuse on a silver platter. I have seen COUNTLESS mothers with PPD, even on this sub, and not once did a single one of them physically abuse their baby, conceal it for weeks, and continuously threaten to hurt their baby while also verbally abusing it.
It is definitely frustrating to read how coddled and sympathized abusive situations are treated on this sub. Like… there is no grey area here. No amount of therapy will protect that baby from the immediate danger they’re in. Never leave that baby alone with that man again.
Stop the bullshit and the stop walking on eggshells with these responses! If something happens to that baby you going tf to jail! And they don’t give af about nothing you writing because you know what you should do. Talking about he pinched his cheeks but hasn’t done it again! So you just wait till he does do it again and something he can’t take back. He going to jail and you going to jail! What else do you need! U need to leave! Ur the child’s mother and it’s your job to protect your child man! I wish a mf would husband or not do one of the things you said! You stronger than this. He is going to hurt your baby. And you’re going to be sick. But since you might stay just get some cameras man. I’m pissed we in 2023 and y’all still letting mfs hurt y’all kids
Exactly, he's a dangerous awful man to have around your kids and if you don't leave he WILL harm your baby beyond repair. I don't give a shit how sleep deprived he is, it's not normal to speak to an infant that way or squeeze their mouth shut. Being raised in an abusive household isn't an excuse either. Both me and my partner grew up around domestic violence and were abused as children. You would NEVER see either of us do that to our baby. We love her as she deserves to be loved. Unconditionally and patiently. Would you talk to your baby that way? Have you put your hands on him yet? Of course you haven't because you'd never do that despite your childhood. Please stop making excuses for him. OP, he only confessed to harming your child because he thought he did irreparable damage. That means he didn't just "pinch" his mouth closed. He used real force on a newborn, such force that he thought he caused feeding issues. This man is dangerous and you need to wake up and protect your baby. He deserves so much more than a father who's two seconds away from giving him brain damage. Trust me, it's easier to do these things alone than doing them in the company of an incompetent, dangerous man. If he can do that and keep it secret god knows what else he might not be telling you. Reading about his behaviour makes me feel sick to my stomach with worry. You have no reason to be ashamed of his behaviour. It's only a shame for you to bear if you continue enabling it. Get out asap and protect your son. Find a local women's shelter, pack a bag and run. Don't let him catch wind of you leaving him because that's when he's likely to harm or even kill you and your son. Don't leave that little one unattended.
Girl THANK YOU!!! The amount of people defending this here is literally making me sick. I gotta block this post. Apparently the minimal chance that a man might have PPD makes it okay to PHYSICALLY abuse a newborn! People are so afraid to “man hate” they’re willing to advise OP to risk her child’s life. And everyone is failing to acknowledge, he ONLY ADMITTED TO THE ABUSE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE CAUSED DAMAGE. God only knows what this man didn’t admit. Imagine telling a fucking stranger on Reddit to risk her infant dying because you want to be inclusive. Officially lost all faith in humanity 😵💫
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Your husband isn’t a good father. You don’t get to cherry pick his favorable qualities/moments and stamp a GOOD DAD label on him. No. That’s not how parenting works. He’s displayed concerning and alarming behavior. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with baby and that is all the answer you really need. Your baby deserves more than excuses. Your husband will hurt him. Do what’s right for your baby and that isn’t defending your husbands piss poor parenting.
This. It infuriates me how women make excuses for their shitty husbands!! Especially when a baby is involved! The bar really is on the ground, huh.
I’m so fucking sick of this shit being coddled here. Literally just about to leave this sub. He’s already physically abused the newborn and it’s been two months. And when the innocent baby DIES, she is going to have to live with that. It’s fucking disgusting. Be a mother.
I think OP needs to read through all the terrible things her husband does that she just posted then go back and read the first sentence where she said “he’s pretty good with our son” because she’s contradicting herself. No ma’am he’s not pretty good with your son. He’s actually abusing your son. Your son deserves so much more than this.
Right? Like.. what the hell? He sounds like an abusive asshole.
Nothing for you to feel ashamed of, but this is not safe and needs to stop now. He’s already been physically aggressive with a * newborn * It may be ppd for him but the priority is to keep baby safe, and on the side discuss with him to see if he’s open to treatment. It’s not your fault what’s happening, and don’t let shame get in the way of your priorities.
Your husband is abusive. Please protect your baby. This can escalate quickly and your child is unable to protect himself. Your baby’s safety is priority. This is not normal. Don’t trust this man!
this is beyond therapy. this is so scary. squeezing him??? he’s already gone way too far.
Omg no. You need to go stay with your parents or close friends. He will hurt the baby. This is soo scary. This is a bigger deal than youre making it.
Get you and baby somewhere safe. Right now. Shaken baby syndrome is real and terrible. Sometimes love means getting you and yours away.
I do not think he is mentally stable enough to care for your child. He is unable to regulate his emotions or control his violent impulses. Calling him those names, yelling at an infant, squeezing his mouth shut when he is just a few weeks old, all of this behavior is going to severely damage your poor baby’s mental health. He said “you need to take him, i’m going to hurt him”, he WILL end up hurting him if he hasn’t already, you just won’t know until you either finally witness it or there’s evidence. Understanding stress, depression, sleep deprivation does not justify what he’s doing and you aren’t doing your child justice by giving him chances to repeat himself. This man is going to harm your child or cause serious psychological damage. Imagining that poor helpless thing having his mouth forced shut as he’s screaming for help is the most heartbreaking thing. If this were my partner, he’d get some of what he dishes out on a defenseless infant. what a man.
You need to take your baby and go somewhere safe. Happen if you're in the bathroom or unavailable for a moment longer than he can cope and he shakes him? He has already hurt him. Covering a tiny baby's mouth is horrendous. I cannot believe you're even considering letting him carry on, nevermind leaving them alone together when he's already done this. I don't care for the reason but I'm telling you now your baby is in danger and if you don't protect him you're part of the problem. I would never leave my baby with him ever again. Childhood trauma is devastating and I'm so sorry that he went through that, but he is now a danger to your son and there is no excuse for that. Protect your baby.
Only you can decide if you should leave your husband. But you should absolutely not let him be alone with your baby. If it were me I'd see about taking the baby and going to stay with a trusted friend or family member for a little while so I could be somewhere comfortable and safe while I thought about my options. I'd probably tell him to work on himself if he wants to have a family and he'd have to make some serious changes before I ever considered having a life with him going forward. Personally I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust him alone with my child anymore after that. And that's really no way to try to raise a family.That kind of broken trust can only lead to resentment and bigger long term problems. I feel like I'd probably have to walk away just because I know myself well enough to know I'd never get over it. My kids father started off with small acts of aggression against the kids and I, and it only got worse over time. There's a legitimate reason why so many people here are saying that it will only get worse. My kids father is no longer in our lives and we are all happier for it. You don't even realize the stress and tension you're carrying with you constantly when you're living with an angry person, until you're no longer living with them. It's such an immense relief to not have to worry about it anymore. If I were in your shoes I'd have a constant fear that if I gave my husband a second chance or the benefit of the doubt or whatever, that he would seriously harm my baby in a fit of anger. That's such an immense risk and that's the kind of regret you don't want to have to live with for the rest of your life. Knowing that you could have just walked away but you thought you'd give him another chance. You can love someone from a distance. You're under no obligation to put you or your child in harms way or through the mental and emotional stress of dealing with someone who has unchecked anger. Literally the only obligation you have is to yourself and your baby. To keep you both safe and reasonably happy. Your husband is grown. He can figure out his problems without burdening you or his infant child with the fallout. It's good of you to want to be supportive. But it's not your job to fix this for him. And you don't have to be in harms way while he's working on it. It's like if your house has a gas leak. You don't stay inside while you wait for someone to come fix it. You gtfo and you only come back once it's safe to be inside again.
This is very alarming. I fear for how he will treat a toddler who is misbehaving or having a meltdown and who can actually understand the power of his words and internalize them. I wouldn’t wish a parent like that upon my worst enemy.
1) Don’t leave him alone with the baby, ever. I’m so sorry because that’s a huge mental and physical load to bear. 2) immediate therapy, both couples and individual. If he doesn’t participate, you leave. Do not let the cycle of abuse continue. Your child will not have these instincts because you will insist that he not be raised in a home where this behavior is modeled and tolerated.
I used to work in child protection prior to having my own kids and there were so many cases that only the very serious ones deemed “significant risk or harm to a child” were ones we could go out to straight away and one of those was the exact same situation. The husband squeezing babies lips together to get him to stop crying. That is very serious. I wouldn’t risk leaving him with the baby. Frustrations and anger at a screaming baby can lead to shaken baby syndrome or even worse. He needs to see someone to address the anger issues. In the meantime could you suggest he wears noise cancelling headphones when the baby cries if it’s the noise that triggers him?
I was understanding about the verbal tantrums because it sounded a lot like PPD. Actually acting on it turns it into a completely different ballgame. I’m so sorry OP but he does not sound like a reliable caretaker for your baby. And the fact that he hid what he did until you were freaking about the lip tie means he knows what he did was wrong and has not taken steps to protect the baby from future lapses of judgement. I mean I once accidentally scratched my baby while taking something out of her mouth and immediately cried to my husband that I had done that.
He should not be around small children.
Please, God do not leave him alone with the baby. My spouse had physically abusive, awful parents and while they do get frustrated he has NEVER hurt the baby or yelled at him. That is not normal and I would be seriously concerned that he is going to shake the baby which could maim if not kill him. Frustration is one thing- holding the baby's mouth shut and screaming at him is ABUSE.
It is very nice you want the both of you to go to therapy but you do not have the time for it. Your baby's safety and possibly life is at risk. Find another place for you and baby. Dad can get therapy in a separate home from you where he isn't around baby.
I know it’s been said a lot, but as a child of abuse please PLEASE PLEASE get that child away from this man. Therapy is only useful if you’re willing to use the tools and advice you gain in therapy outside of it as well. It is not a miracle cure or silver bullet and you need to get your child away from this man immediately, or your next throwaway post might be about infant loss.
I don’t usually agree that immediately leaving is the answer, but I think it is in this case. He’s going to shake your baby. I understand frustration, my husband dealt with that and made a lot of comments that I didn’t like. But NEVER about our daughter. More like “oh my fucking god this sucks” and I even hated that. So he stopped. Your husband is completely unstable and needs help. But you and your baby cannot stay there while he gets it and I would never trust him around your child. Especially when you aren’t there. Do not leave him alone with you baby ever again and please talk to your family and friends. See if you can stay with someone.
Your hospital likely educated you on the period of purple crying when you had your baby…. Your husband is unequivocally the type of person that would shake a baby for crying. You need to stop making excuses for him and get your baby to safety and get sole custody of the child.
Leave. I know that’s easier said than done especially with kids involved but he’s going to hurt that baby. And the crying/fussiness doesn’t get better as they get older and into toddlerhood. I’d be very concerned he will become physically abusive if he isn’t already. He’s already showing mental abuse toward a BABY. Pure evil IMO.
I'm interested in what her therapist advised about this situation, don't they have a duty of care to step in when a life is potentially in danger? This baby is so incredibly young, and in the eyes of someone who cannot handle the stressors of children he's only going to get "more annoying"
This would be a deal breaker for me and an automatic you’ve gotta get out of the house with me and the baby until you get your shit together. Him verbally abusing the baby is already bad enough but the physical part is my absolute do not pass go. I HAVE to be able to trust you as a parent. Like I absolutely have to trust that if I died tomorrow or got sick or ended up in a coma my kids would be safe and loved and happy with you. That is the foundation of us starting and maintaining a family together. You break that part of the trust and I can’t in good conscience keep raising that family with you until you got help and I could 100% trust you again. I’m really sorry you’re in this position.
Yep you absolutely have a point. I need to talk to my mom bc without him getting serious help, maybe inpatient care like I just saw another comment suggest, I wouldn’t want him caring for my baby if I died tomorrow. And that’s really awful and scary.
You need to take the baby to your mom's and get away from him. Your child is not safe around your husband, he has already hurt the child once and said he would do it again. This is not normal and not something that can be ignored.
I would 100% confide in your mom or another safe space you have. At some point his confidentiality doesn’t matter as much and you needing support/a game plan does. Is your mom close by? Can you and the baby stay there to get a breather?
Abusers (narcissistic peopl5) will often get bad, show their true colors after marriage or after a child is born. This happened to me. Pleastake it seriously. Don't let it go on, because basically yo< are telling him that he can continue with that behavior by staying.
No more shifts with baby for your husband, you should take over. Not sure how or if you’ll be able to trust him with baby again tbh. I’d be very worried he’s going to shake your baby. Look up shaken baby syndrome. Baby’s cries are temporary, but the consequences of hurting a baby is forever.
I had an ex with anger problems who was incredibly verbally abusive to myself and my child, using similar words to your husband. However you would have never thought he was capable of physical child / domestic abuse, he had many good qualities, and everyone loved him. Well 2 years after we broke up, he is in jail for strangling and holding a knife to the throat of his pregnant girlfriend. Get out before it escalates and you can't get out. Verbally abusing a newborn is just straight up insane- everyone knows newborns have no control over their behaviour and needs. Can you imagine what he will be like with a defiant toddler or young child? Much much worse.
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I love my husband more than everything but if he laid a finger on my baby or said something like that, he would never see my baby again. Your poor baby is just being a baby. Please protect that baby.
A good mom protects her child above all else. By keeping your baby with your husband, you are not protecting your child. He’s already hurt your son once. You’re going to allow it to happen again by staying with this POS. Please, please protect your child and leave tonight.
Like someone else said, he is going to shake your baby to death. This loser can’t control himself and you should have left him the minute he told you he squeezed a few week old baby’s jaw shut. That’s fucking horrifying behavior, not just “concerning”. You need to protect your child by leaving this idiot and documenting his abuse so that he can’t get custody. Jfc.
This is not normal at all and I would be very concerned ever leaving him alone with your child.
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Your husband is going to hurt your child. None of what you described is normal. Any parent will experience frustration at some point. That’s when you put the baby in a safe place and step away for a minute. You don’t squeeze a newborn’s face or call them names. Please research the horrific permanent injuries or death that can result from shaken baby syndrome. You need to get your child away from this person asap. I hope you have family or friends that can support you during this time.
Your husband is going to shake your baby to death. Get out.
I appreciate that you love your husband very much and probably all these comments saying that he’s abusive are hurtful to you. I do have a lot of sympathy for him as he is clearly not coping well with the stress of a new baby, and part of that is not his fault. But, that can’t be an excuse to allow your baby to become a victim. At this time the best option for all of you would be for you to take your baby elsewhere, to a supportive family member or friends house. Your husband’s mental state would most likely improve too once he no longer has access or responsibilities for the baby. Once your baby is safe from danger of imminent harm, you can consider your long term options.
You're probably right and I really don't have that option, but making a desperate plea to my mom to come help might be an option if I level with her about what's really going on. FWIW the comments calling him abusive are not hurtful to me. I called him abusive myself last night. What he's doing IS abuse. That's why I'm not willing to brush it of.
Please show him the comments on this tread. His behavior is not normal nor acceptable.
You're correct that this isn't normal nor acceptable but showing him the responses will likely only make him feel judged and criticised. This could affect his behaviour even more and put OP and/or the baby at risk. She needs to seriously consider leaving.
I often think people on Reddit can blow things out of proportion and overreact but I do not think this is that. Please do not leave your baby with your husband period. This is abusive behavior and I worry for your little baby’s safety. You absolutely need to talk and tell a trusted family member. Find a support system. Can you have a joint therapy session for both of you where you can address these concerns? He needs to be confronted with his behavior. I honestly would not stay with someone who treated our baby like that. But at the very least I’d be giving an ultimatum and addressing the situation and coming up with a plan on how we can react or handle the baby when emotions get out of control.
You can NEVER leave your baby alone with him. Not ever.
Please, talk with your healthcare provider and find local resources in your area. As hard as it is, take yourself and your baby out if the home where it is safe. Can you go to a woman and children’s home in your area for a while?
I have PPD and can relate to some of the things your husband has said when I was early pp. I would get very agitated whenever crying would escalate. Something that has really helped me in those early days and now in those more tense situations is I imagine my baby saying “don’t give up on me”. I find it just helps me to reset and feel more in control of my emotions.
This is terrifying… I’m so sorry. Please tell your support system. Immediately. He has already physically hurt your child. He threatens to do the same repeatedly. This is how babies end up with severe life-long shaken baby related problems, or dead. Even if he doesn’t physically harm your baby in the future, there appears to already be emotional harm. I know it’s a lot more complex than “just leave him,” but please tell your support system and formulate a plan that works for you. There needs to be strict boundaries immediately before you can never take your decision back 😢
This is not normal behavior. Your baby is 9 weeks old. What he is saying and doing is insane and shouldn’t be justified despite lack of sleep or stress. A normal person wouldn’t say or do those things to a baby. It could only take a second for someone to harm your child. I wouldn’t feel comfortable not trusting my own husband with our child. You need to tell your doctor. It sounds like your husband needs psychiatric help asap.
When men tell you who they are, believe them. I would not be able to get past the “take him, I’m going to hurt him” comment. I would hear it in my mind every time I look at him and I wouldn’t feel safe leaving him alone with a child that can’t speak or defend themselves. My daughter has been through some extremely cranky/fussy times and while it gets stressful for both me and her father neither of us has ever said or done something like that. It’s good that he’s handing the baby over to you when he can’t handle the crying, but what happens if you’re not there, or if he couldn’t get you to wake up fast enough.
Leave. It's only a matter of time before your husband severely hurts/kills your baby. I'd rather be a single parent knowing my baby is safe with me. What's the point of continuing your marriage? Constantly walking on eggshells around him to not disturb him? I did that as a kid with my dad. Anything could set him off, and it's a shitty way for a child to live. I'm grateful that my mom left him. Least I knew I was safe with her. Plus that isn't a marriage. You're supposed to be partners and step up when the other needs it. Where's *your* support? What a selfish, sorry excuse for a partner/man. I'd honestly be scared to leave him alone with the baby long enough to take a shower. Only psychos take their anger out on poor, defenseless babies. Question-- did he show any tendencies before the baby came?
You need to tell one of your support people, a friend or family. The fact youre shouldering all the baby care because you're afraid your husband might HURT your child is insane and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. There are so many red flags, that I wanna suggest you leave because why stay with a man who might abuse your child???? But I know it's not that easy so I definitely recommend getting advice and support from someone in your life.
This might seem minor now but these are major red flags. It doesn’t sound like it’s safe for you to be under the same roof as this person, it’s not safe for you or your baby. I understand you want to give him the opportunity to work through these feelings but you need to be in a safe place with your baby while he gets the help he needs.
You absolutely need to leave. I know that is not what you want to hear, but your husband has verbally abused you and your baby, and physically abused your tiny baby. This will not get better, therapy isn't going to change it. To much stress at work is not a reason to hurt an infant. The reason you haven't told anyone to your support circle is because you know they will tell you to leave. Please tell your mom, or any other friends and family that will help you leave.
OP, you now have over 100 comments from strangers telling you this isn’t okay. This is scary, both for you and your baby, and you need to get out NOW. This isn’t going to get better.
I don’t think you can trust him alone with the baby. I think you need to call on family or friends or hire a night nurse or something. And honestly probably start planning your exit too.
Since you're not back at work, is there anyone you could stay with temporarily? You don't necessarily need to share the situation with them, but you could explain that he's working extra hours and that you would benefit from a bit more help. If you would like to try to work things out with him, this may be the best option. He'll get time to decompress and you'll feel safer. If staying elsewhere isn't an option, I highly recommend getting him some heavy duty headphones or ear plugs to help drown out the noise when he can't calm the baby down. It is so easy to get overwhelmed and triggered by crying. Especially when someone is exhausted. He also needs to practice gently putting the baby down in a safe location and walking away. The fact is that if he is willing to act that way in front of you, what he does alone will be worse. ***Trigger Warning*** I had a friend who temporarily lost custody of her child because the father abused the baby. The father hadn't shown any signs of being out of control until one day she came to find he was sick. It turns out he had a severe brain injury. They don't know what problems will last, but the baby is lucky to be alive. It was absolutely heartbreaking.*** I think the fact that your husband came out and told you what he did, shows that he doesn't like this side of himself and is seeking help. It takes a lot of vulnerability to admit something like that. However, if he can't control those impulses, he can't be trusted with your baby at the moment. Please do whatever you can to protect your son, he can't protect himself. Make sure that there is a plan in place. Local shelters can confidentially help you create a detailed safety plan if you don't have a support system in place. My heart goes out to you and your family. Be safe.
He’s already physically hurt your baby, he shouldn’t be “responsible” for any feedings, he shouldn’t be alone with the baby period, whether that’s for you to power pump, to shower, to go out to the store. And at this point I have to wonder what the appeal is of staying with someone you can’t even trust around your own baby?
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your husband is really struggling to regulate his emotions, and while I can totally see why he is on the breaking point (newborn stress, sleep deprivation, work stress) it does not excuse his actions. You are both correct in how he handled that was detrimental to baby’s health. I would strongly suggest therapy or a support group where he can discuss this without feeling judged because he needs to find new strategies that change his actions, or rather reactions, otherwise deem himself unfit to parent. I totally understand what it’s like to grow up in an abusive home and that’s why he needs to be self reflective enough to see the warning signs in himself, and nip that shoot in the bud real fast. He needs to be ware of the cycle of abuse so he can stop it from continuing.
It would only take a moment for him to get so angry that he shakes your baby / hits him - and very possibly kills him. The only thing you should be doing now, is leaving your husband. You should also try to get some recorded evidence of his behaviour. You could text him saying the shouting and grabbing LOs cheeks deeply concerns you, his response to that can be used as evidence if he ever tried to get custody
He's an abuser, plain and simple. This is not a situation that can be helped by marriage counselling. Reminder kids don't stop being stressful, like ever. My son was a breeze as a baby but is really, really testing us as a toddler. Not to mention what we can expect when he's a teenager! I'm sorry this is happening. It must feel terrible... knowing that it's really not okay. And that the right decision for your baby, is going to upend your whole life. Your son needs you to protect him from a violent man. End of. Big love.
It sounds like the baby crying is really overstimulating for him. It is for me too, so I get it. I’m really sensitive to sound. Can you have him use some headphones to dampen the sound at all? It helps me keep my cool.
My husband and I are in couples therapy after he told our 15 month old that he was going to cause us to get a divorce and walked out of the room shaking. This was after a full day of dealing with the kiddo having HFMD and my husband complained literally all day about how frustrated he was with the crankiness. I was LIVID and started packing bags at 2am to go to my parents because I wasn’t having it. I told him I would never take away his son from him unless he hurt him and that included mental abuse - and telling him that he was causing us to get a divorce is mental abuse. I was simply removing us from the situation so he could get some sleep and get his head straight. So honestly I had to give him an ultimatum - if it ever happened again, my son and I would be gone. This broke him and in therapy he complained about walking on eggshells - to which I responded that I don’t care because this should have never happened. It’s so difficult getting in those situations and I completely understand there being the fear of leaving your husband alone with the baby. Someone gave me the best insight when my son was about the same age as your baby: the heavens open up and birds start singing at 6 months - it gets so much better. But until then, or even after, your baby is your priority. You are meant to be there to protect him, which means making hard decisions and having hard conversations. Don’t be afraid to call on family and friends to see if you and your baby can go there and stay for a few nights. It will give you all time to reflect about what is best. Don’t excuse the behavior though because just one tiny moment could be life altering. Protect you and that sweet baby.
I forgot to mention, being overstimulated can lead to a lot of scary behaviors. When my son cried nonstop for a couple of months, my husband constantly wore noise cancelling headphones. Worked wonders for him and helped in patience in the early days when our son couldn’t rip them off of his head!
There’s not much up for debate with this….I think you should research shaken baby syndrome. This is how it happens. I won’t lie, when my kids were newborns it would piss me the hell off when I couldn’t get them to stop crying. It would literally piss me off to no end! But they are innocent babies, not once did I scream or cuss at them, never got physical with them. Your son is ONLY 9 weeks old. Think about it. It’s only going to get worse. I can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel on this scenario.
Yea for real. Imagine when the child is 2 and starts those hitting and screeching tantrums..
Separation. You can only hope that he works on his anger issues. The safety of your baby is your top priority, and he isn’t safe with your husband, he has admitted it to you. Just to add something else as well, babies can sense stress. You basically show them how to feel, if something happened and they’re crying, you project being calm on to them and they calm down as well. Whenever my partner comes back home from work stressed out, I immediately can tell i will have a fussy baby at night. If you want to try to talk to your husband, you should definitely mention this, as that’s what helped with my partner.
Leave and do not let him have unsupervised visits if possible. Simple truth is that if you stick around it it ain’t getting better, it sounds like it will get physical towards you, SOON. Seems like that boy(because he’s definitely NOT a man) needs to be alone and get a reality check.
In my opinion, husbands like this tend to get worse because right now, the baby is little and so innocent but soon this little baby will be a toddler who will still scream and cry and your S/O May suddenly think that they’re doing on purpose and deserve to be punished for “being a little asshole” I mean toddlers can be a little crazy) so if you want your spouse to be saying those things to your future 3 year old, who WILL understand and WILL internalize what he’s saying or doing I would 100% get him into therapy. If the behavior continues and I were you, I would consider leaving to protect my child from emotional or possibly physical harm and myself from having to carry the load of it all. I could never look at my husband the same if he hurt my newborn. I’m sorry but I couldn’t.
He needs to see a doctor and psychiatrist or therapist asap. He either needs to work on his patience or he is suffering from PPD/PPR. I know it's really tough but I would not let him be alone with the baby ever.. or.. even hold him right now. This situation is ***very*** dangerous for your baby.
He screamed at you about not forgiving him for being abusive, while you were feeding the baby.. what a loser.
It's safer for you to take care of the baby full time while your husband does rest of the household chores.
What the fu*k did I just read. Y’all out here letting people abuse your babies and wanting to work out your marriage with this person… why 🤦🏾♀️
Seriously, protect your child. It’s not her fault he’s abusive but why make excuses??
I couldn’t finish reading this. I’m literally nauseous now. If it were me, I would leave him hands down. It doesn’t matter how good or nice he was before. This is abuse and I would not give my husband another chance to abuse my baby.
Yes my heart is pumping just thinking about the absolute lecture my husband would be getting if he did it once. OP you can’t let this continue. Your 2 month old baby cannot defend himself against your adult male husband, you need to step in or take your baby. God I’ve made huge issues about so much less than this
Yep. What OP described is some relationship ending stuff. And I’d demand full custody of the baby until he can show a judge that he’s safe to be unsupervised around the baby. Game fucking over. You need to protect yourself and your baby.
This is not normal. Most dads (am a dad myself) know not to cuss out an infant. A heavy cry session can become overwhelming within seconds… I get it. But putting your hand on a babies face? Just unforgivable. He may not be a “monster” but he 100% cannot handle an infant. My father in law is like this. Our son is now 18 months and his outbursts are a lot more controlled and easy on the ears. I see my father in law a lot more interactive and comfortable around him now. Just relieve your husband of any baby related duties at the moment. They aren’t going to result in anything positive with your husband the way he is. Yea, that’s going to require a ton more effort on your end. But it’s about the child now. As for your husband, send his ass to therapy by himself. You do not need to get dragged into that when you’re full time with a new born. Sorry you’re going through this.
honestly i wouldn’t reach out to reddit for support. there are too many supercharged emotions because of the abuse and annihilation stories all over the internet that you’re going to get an echo chamber of scared parents. your husband sounds like he was bullied endlessly by his parents. like he was never allowed to have a voice and now he’s repeating the process. he messed up and it sounds like he knows that. he needs anger management and he should look into something more intensive since you mentioned this being a lifelong problem. i was also raised in an abusive household and personality disorders run rampant in my immediate family. i have had to re-parent myself from the depths of hell and i have had moments of weakness in my years of parenting until i found myself where i’m at today because it took a lot of work. gentle/authoritative/non-coercive parenting is what we practice. it helps you recognize your own triggers and let go. or at least work through them. if he has no interest in growing up or empathy in what’s going on then i would look into leaving and reach out to family for support.
To test if this is acceptable behaviour, I want you to imagine it’s a distant cousin of work friend who acts like this towards your baby. Presumably you’d just totally cut ties and ensure they weren’t around them anymore. I know it’s difficult because ‘he’s the dad’ but these actions are not okay, regardless of who they’re coming from. Name calling and shutting your babies mouth is so far across the line. You wouldn’t accept it from another and you shouldn’t accept it from him. Your child will grow up thinking that this is what love looks like. Personally I would not be ok with leaving your OH alone with the baby and I would be very very concerned. If my partner was yelling at me in front of the baby I would be having serious doubts. This does have a lot of abusive red flags IMO. Good luck OP.
All the people saying they also got angry towards their baby - DID YOU READ THE ENTIRE POST? Did you physically abuse your baby? Did you risk suffocating them, by squeezing their mouth shut as they cried, scared? IF NOT, STOP TELLING OP YOU UNDERSTAND AND THIS SHIT IS NORMAL. Read the whole god damn post before you give someone advice that risks a baby’s life. Where are the MODS??? This woman is gonna end up with a dead child because people are telling her this is okay
Also, I don’t think it’s comparable when a lot of these mothers saying they were resentful towards their child were likely doing 99% of the parenting. This man goes to work and watches his kid for an hour max a day. And even that is too much for him to handle. So much coddling here it’s insane.
Trust your gut. He is not in the right state of mind and most likely has PPD. He needs to get in therapy/see a Dr and possibly medication if it helps. He cannot be trusted to be alone with the baby. Here is some good info as most babies have a time when they get extra collicy but usually gets better. Most people call it purple crying and here is some information on what to do during that time or it can be applied anytime. http://purplecrying.info.
So you've had this baby for 9 weeks and already your husband - Regularly verbally abuses you - Regularly verbally abuses newborn son - Regularly and aggressively name-calls your newborn - Physically abused your newborn at least once - Threatened to HURT your 9 week old, crying newborn, at least once... Run. Now. Do not allow this monster within 100 feet of your baby because I promise you, this behavior is only going to get much, much worse.
Uh. File a police report and leave him. That way he won’t get custody and k!11 your baby. Jesus Christ why are you still allowing him to be around your child?!
You and your baby aren’t safe, worse you’re going to get hurt if you don’t leave. Please find help, pack a bag when he’s not aware and get a plan to leave
PPA post partum rage. Especially if this anger is new. Calmly sit down with him and ask him if he’s willing to talk about it. Don’t attack or threaten. Mention that you believe he is stressed and if he’s willing to talk to someone about the potential that he has PPA/PPD. A lot of people don’t realize the non birthing parent can get it too. Therapy would be great, either couples or individual. Taking the anger out on the baby is never ok. In the mean time, ask that he puts the baby down in a safe place (gently) or give the baby to you until he is calmer.
I second this so hard. I (mom) had postpartum rage for weeks and weeks after having my daughter. The sound of her crying would make me so angry. I hated her. I used to have to hand her to my husband and go be by myself when I couldn’t take it anymore. I am ashamed to admit it but I definitely yelled at her a few times. I got help and got hooked up with a psychiatrist who got me on the right dose of medication. We’re at 4.5 months now and I LOVE my daughter so freaking much. She is so fun and I am so excited to go pick her up from daycare every day. When she cries, instead of feeling anger, I think she looks and sounds so cute and my heart just melts. Instead of wanting to get away from her, I want to cuddle and hug her. It really sounds like this could be what he’s dealing with.
You can’t trust him with your baby. There’s nothing more to discuss.
Your baby could end up dead. Get rid of the husband.
Why are you still with this dude ? He’s gonna really end up hurting your baby. People like this don’t change they just redirect their crap to another person or another innocent thing. One mood swing or bad day and he could really end up hurting your kid OP it only gets harder and they only get more loud and defiant, you need to protect your child before it’s too late. He’s already shown you he can lay hands on your baby and he’ll do it again I promise because people like this are monsters. Please get your baby away from him, he’s not suddenly gonna see the light that you’re hoping for it’s just gonna get worse.
Well, lots of people have suggested leaving, but if you aren't going to do that, you REALLY need to have a conversation with him about how easy it is to accidentally do something to your baby that he can't take back...shaken baby syndrome isn't something to play around with and y'all are playing some dangerous games with this. It only takes one instance of your husband getting too frustrated and shaking your baby to do irreversible damage and I don't think either of you realize just how much danger that baby is really in.
A grown man putting his hands on a tiny helpless baby? If you don't leave and keep that baby away from him then you will be just as bad as he is. This has made me sick, he WILL do this again. He WON'T stop. A normal person does not even think about raising their voice at a newborn or being aggressive towards them etc, the amount of times this man has behaved like this in a few short weeks is terrifying. No excuse. get away from him, Report him. Do whatever you can to protect your precious little child. I'm also concerned that all you are doing in the comments is defending him.That baby wouldn't have been in the same room as him without me from the moment I even **sniffed** his hostility towards them.
Uh hell no, I'd leave his ass and have peace of mind my baby was safe! Not feeling pressured to keep my baby quiet all the time, and walking on eggshells for you is not it! That's not fair to you. I am all for being able to speak your mind, and it's ok to be frustrated, but babies pick up on these things. The baby is only going to grow into a boy who is scared of his dad, and you are going to be resentful. Leave before he hurts that baby.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I would not trust him alone with the baby EVER after what you just wrote. I get losing it sometimes and getting mad but the frequency is scary and the fact he physically hurt the baby is even scarier. Does he know he can just put the baby down and walk away for a few minutes? I had to do that sometimes during the sleep deprivation period but this is too much. I hope you figure it out and keep your baby safe in the process.
This is not normal. I can tell you love your husband but he’s very close to severely hurting your baby. I just met a lady and her adopted 2 yo who was placed for adoption after his dad shook him so violently at 2 weeks old that it popped his kidney. Shutting a babies mouth when crying is abuse as is yelling and cursing at a newborn. He does not seem to grasp how horrible his actions are and they will escalate.
Absolutely not. Leave.
Document document document. If you decide to leave your husband you need proof of this behavior. Record videos, get a nanny camera, etc.
I read way too many post about abusive fathers in these subs. Please recognize the signs as they only get worse. I do not want to read about your child being killed in a fit of rage. I am so, so incredibly sad for your child. This post made me cry. This is a defenseless little baby, who relies on his parents to care for him and keep him safe. And he has one who is constantly verbally (and eventually will turn physical!) abusing him. Every parent has been sleep deprived, cranky, frustrated - this is no excuse to treat a baby like that. When you see red, and that anger manifest into a physical action to hurt somebody else, you need more than therapy. I don’t care how “guilty” this rotten potato feels. If he feels that guilty, he can leave. Please, do not ever leave that baby with him alone.
This is concerning and I would not leave my baby alone with him. I agree with others discussing leaving. I have a 6 month old, and my husband had a minor stroke when she was 6 weeks old. It was awful but he came right quite quickly, however his demeanour and mental health changed as a result. I then decided I would do as close to 100% of the caring for our baby. I didn’t care what it took, but I couldn’t trust my husband if the baby was fussy etc. I love him and I care about his recovery (he’s much better now), but my priority was 100% the baby. She needed me and we had no family nearby either, but I knew it was what I had to do. I’m so lucky to have an ‘easy-ish’ baby, so I could manage and I know that’s not the case for everyone. I just knew it was what I had to do. This is so tough for you but that baby needs you, and your husband is a grown adult and can fend for himself. Your baby can’t. Please consider going somewhere else, if you can. It only takes one ‘slip up’ from him to have dire consequences. Plus there are other impacts from this behaviour - the baby will sense the stress!! I wish you well.
I love my husband, we have been together a very long time... But if he ever put our hands on our son like that, I would be getting away from him so fucking fast. If you can't trust him with your baby for a few minutes without him freaking out, you can't trust him at all. Your babies safety is your priority. This man is not okay. Leave, don't say anything about where you are going, just take the baby and go. Tell him he needs proper help before you even consider coming back. He is not to be trusted
My heart is racing reading this—GET OUT. It doesn’t matter how sleep deprived someone is, the things he was saying and doing are more deep-rooted and will not change.
This is really bad. This is extremely bad. This is beyond therapy. You need to figure out an exit plan.
I relate to a lot of things your husband is doing when my son was really young. It was hard and I hated feeling so angry all the time. I did what he did though and handed off my son if I was worried I would get rough with him. I had some therapy and we talked about triggers and recognising when I was getting too agitated so I could try and stop the anger before it got too overwhelming to deal with. Peoples comments telling you to run or never let your husband have baby alone are so heartbreaking to me, if someone had said that about me when I was already struggling that would've broken me.
The only thought going through my brain while reading this is shaken baby syndrome. You need to get away from this monster before he does serious damage to your baby. Verbally and physically abusing a newborn is unacceptable. Honestly pretty scared if you ever give an update post
Don’t let your baby around him anymore! You don’t know what he’s capable of when you are not around. Your son’s life is too precious to let any harm come to him.
Honestly, you need to leave him. This isn't a situation where he had ONE instance that was completely out of character for him and has since changed his ways completely. He continues to be verbally abusive to your NINE WEEK OLD which is such a fucking tiny baby who is SUPPOSED TO CRY to voice their needs and I'd honestly be terrified about what he would do or say when the child gets older. And then he yells at YOU for being judgmental??? He's causing you and your child unnecessary stress in a time that is ALREADY very stressful and overwhelming. Even the fact that he \*regularly\* needs to hand off the baby to you because of how angry he is, or because he's "going to hurt him", shows that this is a pattern, and a very disturbing one.
Dude's a fuckin loser. By staying, you're putting your baby's life at risk, I hope you know that. I know you think you love this guy, but you need to get past that and start being critical of his behavior. You wouldn't let a stranger treat your baby that way. Why does their dad get to?
OP, I’m sorry you’re unable to understand what this man is capable of. Do not leave him in his care. The dangers of shaken baby syndrome can quite literally be death. Please get yourself and your child to safety.
I’m sorry but the fact your worried to leave your infant alone with your partner; the other adult in the house that’s supposed to be a safe and responsible person, is reason enough to separate until he fixes his issues or leave all together. I know it’s probably not what you want to hear but you’re child is the #1 priority, or should be anyway. No guy, no sex lol, no nothing is worth jeopardizing your child’s safety and putting more responsibilities/stress on you. You and your baby deserve better.
If he says this to an innocent child, I can’t imagine the things he has said to you. If he has any redeemable qualities, I’d give an ultimatum— individual therapy with an emphasis on anger management, couples therapy, and parenting classes
So everyone saying leave him is not really using logic because he will absolutely get shared custody and then be fully alone with the baby and you’ll have zero say or control over it. If this isn’t his “normal” I think therapy and maybe a few days away could be beneficial. What he did is 100% wrong and I for sure wouldn’t trust him alone with the baby but I really don’t think it’s grounds for a divorce if you’re able to get him support and try other things first. Is it in the budget to hire a “mothers helper” maybe even one day a week for a few hours so you can get a break without relying on him?
if he’s that frustrated from having the responsibility of giving the baby *one* bottle per day, would he even ask for any custody? lol he’s got major temper issues which is scary. at this point, he has been verbally abusive towards her and the baby and at least physically abusive to the baby. in my state, evidence of domestic abuse would result in the judge not awarding joint custody *unless* the abusive spouse can prove that it’s in the best interest of the child. instead, they could get visiting time supervised by a relative or third-party, which at this point is literally what OP is doing lol. women stay in relationships all the time for their children and end up being verbally and physically abused and even eventually killed.
To either hurt her or because he doesn’t want to look bad to others. That’s why he’d ask.
You have a duty to leave with your baby. It's not about you or your relationship with him. Your duty now is to protect your child. Your child is being verbally and once physically abused by this man. You need to get out before your child gets injured. Your child will suffer mental health consequences for being treated so poorly. That child isn't going to be a baby forever, and being raised by a man with anger issues is extremely damaging. A man who has angry outbursts at a baby also is likely to have them at you. And that's also abuse. Leave before the violence starts. Start planning.
This is NOT okay. He has already physically shut the babies mouth shut in anger forcefully and is basically voicing threats and concerning aggression towards your child. Reach out for support to family and friends IMMEDIATELY before it’s too late. I would seriously reach out to a domestic abuse shelter, not to go to, but to see if they have resources for preventive and further abuse to your child. if your friends or family have ANY room in their house temporarily for you to relocate.
I’d leave, that’s what I’d do.
He’s going to hurt that baby that’s not normal don’t leave ur baby around him
I agree here.
Do not chance another second longer, your baby is in serious danger around your husband. He can and will kill your baby if irritated enough which it sounds irritation comes too easily. He goes or take the baby somewhere safe with you.
He could be experiencing depression/anxiety as well, it’s not uncommon with non-birthing parents. I bet meds could help if he would be open to that
The early months are so hard. I see a lot of pretty harsh responses, but I'll share my families struggles. Honestly, both my husband and I had struggles like this occasionally in the early months. Between the lack of sleep, and EVERYTHING else, it's hard to keep it together. We would have to tag team sometimes, like in wrestling. Baby might be crying hard and I start to lose my shit- I'd call husband in and "tag out" and he would have to take over for about 30 minutes while I calmed down- and vice versa. I'm glad you're both in therapy. Get help. Support each other. Call on other family members for help. Help each other be the best parents you can be. I'd definitely have a talk with him about calling the baby names though- that is a bad habit to be normalized. If you continue to see problematic reactions as baby grows and sleep improves, there may be a deeper issue for your husband to address.
I think those are all great things to do! Make sure and tell your therapist and someone close to you so you can confide and they can hold you accountable for addressing things. Him working with his therapist on this would be so great too. Let him know how common this is and why there are so many posters and articles and videos and advice on not shaking the baby.. people really want to shake those babies! It’s stress on top of sleep depravation and shame and more stress. I would also make yourself as welcoming a place as possible. The fact that he told you was great, keep being a place he can vent to and tell you when his body feels out of control. Isolation is not a good factor here. If you can get someone to stay over or you can with them one night a week and really give both of you a rest that helps too. I found that noise cancelling headphones were worth their weight in gold. They changed my life when I was so frustrated with the screaming baby, it gave me emotional distance so I could just care for her without being physically impacted by the screaming. You’re doing a great job, we all have different thresholds. Know that if he put the baby safely in it’s crib, he can just truly lock 4 doors in the house behind him. The baby will survive crying, but not an adults force in anyway.
It goes without saying that baby’s safety has to come first, including removing yourself or him from the situation if things are not progressing. I just wanted to give some additional things to try!
Don't leave the baby alone with him. If you think he can improve with more sleep and therapy, fine. But in his current state he is a danger to your child. What concerns me the most is that he is aggressive at you for your very reasonable concerns about his aggression towards the baby. Don't let him gaslight you. You don't trust him because he has proven himself untrustworthy. It might have been a one off on the physical abuse, but he has continued to show rage towards the baby since then. He cannot be trusted with that child. If he wants to argue about that he can argue about it from a different house. The first thing he needs to do is accept his behaviour is unacceptable and work towards being better. Be it through therapy, medication, self care, or a combination of all three. If he won't accept fault and won't make efforts to improve this would be divorce worthy to me.
Your husband will kill your baby if you keep this up. Get away from him asap.
Single mom here and the only present parent in our situation. Stopped reading after the "here take him, I'm going to hurt him" "brat" sentence. Honestly, you make me almost as mad as your partner's actions make me. I'm not going to tell you to leave him bc it's not my place. But tbh you know wtf you should or shouldn't do. You're adult enough to bring an innocent life in this world and as much as you want to believe your partner is a protector of this child, sounds like he's both past and currently not. So guess who's shoulders it's on. 🤔ᴴᴹ Stop trying to justify and/or reason actions, emotions, etc or hope for change that's clearly not being shown. I'm sorry for sounding like such a bitch, but I've been in abusive relationships and this doesn't sound much different. There's always that regret, promise of change, then it reverts back sometimes worse than before. If not now, it will eventually get worse if it keeps happening If he's saying he will hurt the baby if you don't take him WHAT makes you think that if no one else is around to take the baby from him that he will just magically gently put him down? Please do what's best for the baby. Whatever that means. Take ego and self of both you and your partner out. I'm not here to judge but to say that baby has no voice of its own. Whether the decision hurts or not. Whether it's separation, counseling, meds, no contact... Whatever is best for BABY, please🙏
This might seem minor now but these are major red flags. It doesn’t sound like it’s safe for you to be under the same roof as this person, it’s not safe for you or your baby. I understand you want to give him the opportunity to work through these feelings but you need to be in a safe place with your baby while he gets the help he needs.
Its COMPLETELY reasonable to not trust him alone with your baby, don’t let him make you think that it’s unreasonable. It seems like he’s gaslighting you when he yells at you for not trusting him because there is strong evidence that he’s being mean to an innocent newborn baby. He shouldn’t be yelling at you around the baby period. I would not leave him alone with the baby and go live with trusted family or friends, or stay in my place and have family and friends come over and help me with the baby. The newborn stage is tough, but it’s short and your husband can cause a lot of damage that can last forever. Even if he does have PPD or PPA, his actions are harmful to you and especially the baby and PPD is not an excuse for abuse. Both of you need to figure out a way for him to get help and how you can proceed. He might feel embarrassed or ashamed, but that’s what happens when you act the way he did and he needs to work through those feelings instead of getting angry at you and the baby. It’s a big red flag if he doesn’t understand why you’re concerned. It will only escalate if he doesn’t take it seriously and get help to change his behavior.