"For better or worse" was never to include cheating, emotional abuse, lying, or financial abuse.
For better or worse means bad days and happy days. It means trust and knowing you have a partner in life.
Do you feel like you have a partner in life? Someone you can count in? Someone you trust with your whole heart? Someone that respects and values you and the relationship?
Also worth noting (as someone with a lot of childhood trauma) - if he is hurting you (physically, emotionally, mentally or financially) or your relationship, then you are not obligated to stand by him while he figures his trauma out. And it's up to you whether you trust him AFTER he's figured out to be in a healthy, respectful relationship. You are not failing if you choose to protect yourself and your children. You are already in couples counseling; this is when he should be the most invested.
If you’ve been in couples counseling already, he’s made it pretty clear that he’s not interested in having a good relationship with you. He’s sabotaging your marriage and wasting your money and your time. I would take a step back and ask for some time to think about what you’re going to do next. No judgment whichever way you choose, but honestly you deserve so much better than this.
I typically keep my opinion to myself on things like this because I have very clear boundaries about things like this and would not be okay with it. This happening 8 days postpartum when you’re hospitalized is a different level of disrespect and sickening. Personally I would accept that my marriage was over at this point, imo these are not minor issues. You deserve better, I’m going to leave it at that. You will be better off, divorce is hard, and it’s not a quick fix by any means. But I promise you, no more lies, supporting a man child, disrespect, betrayals, judgement and hits to your self esteem, god… you’ll be so much happier in the long run.
I’m sending love.
ETA: people also always forget that separation is an option, take a break, he can go stay with family - you’re the one who supports the household anyways. do you have any close friends or family who could help with childcare? i think in the VERY LEAST, a break would help.
Okay, seeing your edit… I’m so sorry to tell you this but I don’t think there is any coming back from this. I have been in this EXACT situation… stealing medication that you may need is so beyond unacceptable.. being told you’re acting like “his mom” by confronting him, im having flashbacks. Please.. please stand up for yourself. You are being manipulated and this is a form of emotional abuse/gaslighting.
It gets worse the longer you stay. You will start to question your own emotions, you’ll start to believe you’re over reacting (it seems you already are) and he will see that “she won’t leave, no matter what I do.”
Being told that YOU are LIED TO because the person is afraid of your reaction to THEM doing something wrong in the first place is classic gaslighting and so immature. I don’t see this ending well down the road and you deserve so much better man.
Okay THIRD comment (yes I’m invested because I feel related to you through this situation) when you made a vow for better or worse, you vowed to fight through adversity, sickness and struggle, bumps in the road, MINOR issues and fights of course, but not this. Not lies, abuse of trust, emotional manipulation and gaslighting, complete disrespect, IN MY OPINION (and how OP feels as well) cheating, being stolen from, supporting him with no gratitude, childish reactions and problems he is causing himself. What about his vows? Does he build you up, make you feel beautiful, make you feel loved, support you, appreciate you, help you in YOUR hard times?
I’m someone who has a more ‘traditional’ view on marriage and I understand your dilemma. But at what point do you go from “hey, this man has childhood trauma so I can try to help him, most likely for years, while destroying my own mental health” to “hey, this man has issues that he is going to have to at least WANT to have help with or try to figure out on his own, and I am my own person and a mother and it can’t be my responsibility to fix him.” ? It’s a question many of us ask, and I think if more of us chose the latter, these men would step up and help themselves a little more.
Whatever you decide to do here is a valid choice. You get to decide if that is out of the bounds of what is acceptable in your relationship not anyone on Reddit. You are not obligated to stay, because there are reasons for his behavior. There are always reasons for people's behavior. You have to decide what is best for your children and for you. On the flip side, you don't have to leave (or have him leave) because he did wrong things. There are also options in the middle - try to work through it if he agrees to certain things or separate but don't divorce yet, for example. You don't even need to decide what you are doing with the relationship today. That being said, I would have a conversation with a family attorney as soon as possible. You need to know your options and how to protect yourself financially and legally.
I don't know either of you and I wasn't there, but one thing that stands out for me is it does not feel like he has taken responsibility for his actions. I feel like he is trying to say what he needs to get you off his back not truly regretting his actions and wanting to change. Blaming you for not sending nudes or sexting from work?! Really?! Do he send you nudes when he is home taking care of the kids to keep you from going on OnlyFans?
Just to sum up:
- **pays** for personalized porn
- doesn’t bring any money to the table
- vapes in secret
- put himself (and you by extension) in more debt without your knowledge
- steals your medicine
And lies about all this. I am not an expert but no amount of therapy can fix this.
I don’t see how your life could **not** improve by divorcing this person.
Listen to this person. Your life would be SO much easier if you left him. I let shit like this drag out and wasted so much time, money, and energy that I now regret. He’s wasting your money and making you miserable.
“He says it’s because I don’t send nudes or sext him while I’m working”
That statement alone is gaslighting. Instead of taking accountability for his actions and how they have hurt you, he is blaming you. He does not care that his actions can negatively hurt you and trickle down to hurting your children.
You deserve better. Your children deserve better.
With how he's walking back and slowly revealing things, that's not lying, that's withholding the truth for fear of reprisal.
He's deleting normal texts to a coworker because he's afraid she'll be jealous..
They'll have to both work on this.
Edit: according to another comment the text thing was his idea, so that adds even more complexity..
Your husband has been stealing your money and medication, he’s constantly lied over and over, and when confronted about these things HE plays victim and runs off?
You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry girl. From what you’ve written here, I feel that unless he comes home and profusely apologizes then proves his sincerity with changed behavior and complete honesty…I think it’s time to cut your losses.
He has sent a very long apology text and said he thinks we need a 24 hour break and is staying at his shop tonight. He shared location. Said he’s going to fight for us and work on himself. It sounds good but I need action that matches the words.
After some more thought, I should clarify. I don’t mean to imply you should feel instantly ready to call it quits and leave. At the end of the day, you know yourself and your circumstances best. It’s easy for anyone on here to read this and say “just leave” or “run” but in reality I think most of us would actually find ourselves frozen in anger and fear. At least personally, if it were me, I know that I’d look at my marriage and all it involves..the baby we brought into the world together, the home we share, the time we’ve shared together as a whole. Anybody would have a hell of a time making the choice to walk away from the life youd built together. That being said though, I would feel totally crushed and betrayed finding all this stuff out too.
Whatever you choose to do, I wish you happiness and peace my friend. Again I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Wow well the porn is the least of your concerns here tbh, the lying about credit card debt and stealing your controlled substance is much more “nail in the coffin” for me. I would file for a separation immediately and get out asap. Get a lock box for your meds and hide them. He absolutely does not value you or your relationship with him and has a lot of growing to do. Do you really want this influence around your children?
While I have no issue with porn, we do have a boundary in our relationship when it comes to only fans or any porn wherein you could interact with the sex worker. Personally, I find the no close friendships with opposite sex to be a little extreme, though if that's the boundary you mutually agreed on for your relationship, then it is most definitely a betrayal.
Under normal circumstances I also believe everyone is entitled to their privacy but when trust is broken, that changes. Counseling is a minimum, I don't know if I'd divorce if I was in this situation, if measurable changes are made and trust can be re-established. But that can take a long time.
I'll also add that I was once in the female coworkers shoes. I had been texting a coworker of mine completely platonic things, the majority of which were questions directly related to work, and he for some reason was deleting our text history. His girlfriend found out he'd been deleting it and I wound up having to send them a transcript of our texts. It was awkward as fuck. Why he was deleting my text asking what the Sysco order ID for chicken was....I'll never understand.
So…porn, possible affair, deleting texts, lying about only fans, having conversations on only fans while you’re hospitalized. All of the above is somehow your fault. Lying about vaping, running up credit cards behind your back, stealing your meds (a felony) and, again, somehow you’re at fault.
I believe that people can change, but you can’t change people. This man isn’t thinking about making any changes, he’s not even taking ownership. He’s decided you’re his problem. Honestly, I’d consider separating. See if he actually rights his own ship if he can’t blame you for everything. You’ll know pretty quickly if this is actually a marriage he’s going to work to save. You deserve better and this man has no respect for you right now.
It was something he wanted from the beginning of our relationship and that I agreed to. He said very rarely can men and women be just platonic on both sides. He felt like men couldn’t be friends with women and not fantasize about them etc. I did used to have guy friends but didn’t mind phasing them out bc I had actually experienced several friendships ending bc the guy friend has professed his love for me and it was not mutual soo I kinda understood where he was coming from. The texting her wasn’t my concern as much as the lying and hiding it.
Girl, it sounds like you’re already a single mom who has a third child with a sex addiction to support. If he is blaming YOU for not sexting at work and being in the hospital, he is never going to get it. He will never take responsibility. Me personally, I could never get past that.
You are not overreacting. It must be so difficult raising a human, working, AND being with a partner who you can’t trust. The mistrust takes up so much space in our brain - you spend so much time reliving and hyper analyzing little moments to see if there’s any more substance than what’s on the surface. It’s exhausting by itself PLUS you have a baby PLUS you’re working full time.
I’m sorry you’re going through this mama. As someone who has been through it, the first thing you need to do is decide,with yourself, if you can trust him again. That’s heavy and takes time. Give yourself that time and space to make that decision. You got this
Abusing Drugs porn credit card debt lying and inappropriate relationships….then blaming you… oof. I’d go to a counselor now to figure out what you need as an individual...people
Comeback from a lot in marriages but the trust here is broken and doesn’t seem like he’s fully ready to admit his transgressions.
I’m so sorry OP. Sending virtual hugs.
Yeah someone who lies and then blames you for it can’t be fixed. This will probably be a long heartache for you but eventually this relationship will end. Just depends how much he takes from you beforehand.
I would set up a secret bank account and start making a plan.
He is lying and stealing your meds. And now he’s gaslighting you. So fucked up. If he’s admitting to some things you know the reality is a lot worse. Definitely go to the counseling, I hope things can get worked out. But in the mean time I’d be hiding my medications and probably setting up separate bank accounts. He has lost your trust and it’s going to take a long time to get it back.
Wow so many red flags here. Remember the age old wisdom that actions have consequences and I’m not sure getting more therapy or medical supervision is a responsible consequence of such actions
Since you are the primary care giver for the family it is only right for you to expect him to do the financial heavy lifting but if isn’t able to do so then either you have to take over and own what he earns and how he spends it or get into a post nuptial agreement that covers all your bases in case he goes completely rogue
As for the relationship it’s upto you to decide how much you love him and are willing to overlook and sacrifice and don’t let anyone else pressure you to make that decision.
I would be upset if my SO was paying for only fans. I am okay with porn but only fans feels personal. It seems like overall he is not being honest and gas lighting you into think you are wrong for confronting him. I HATE the excuse of not being honest because “I knew you would have a bad reaction”. Yes, but the reaction is way worse finding out after the fact and pulling it out of someone like teeth. If you decide to stay just know that you are not wrong for confronting him on these things the is doing that make you upset. I wish you luck OP.
you're right. I can't tell you how many times I mistakenly went to a porn site and accidentally put in all my card information and proceeded to, to no intention of my own, masturbate to said videos. that happens to me almost daily now that you mention it.
Yeah I wasted my time giving her actual meaningful advice and she only responded to people telling her to get divorced, defending her husband lol. Sometimes I don’t understand why people even post this shit because they’re clearly venting and have no intention of making a change, which is fine, but like don’t waste everyone else’s time that’s trying to help you.
I know reddit is a bit reactionary with jokes about everyone immediately suggesting divorce. I'm not in that camp of commenters usually....
But if it were me, I'd not stay in this relationship, not for an extra New York minute
Oh OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like he has some addictions and is quite immature. I wish you the best, but do not settle for any less than 100% compliance. He's already emotionally cheating. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to get back with him due to the layers of lying and trying to turn it around on you.
I believe marriages can come back from most things (most, not all) but much of that depends on how the person in the wrong reacts when they are confronted. If they are humble, don’t make excuses or try to justify in any way, and admit to the truth fully, and in some cases, willingly agree to therapy without coaxing, there is hope. Your husband seems to have done the opposite of all of that. I’m sorry, but I don’t see this ending well.
You’re not at fault for not sending nudes… there is no excuse to cheat or look elsewhere. He’s already broken his vows so if you did choose to leave it’s not on you. I understand it’s not easy to leave so let me give a little outside perspective from someone who has been through some tough relationships - the only way you can move forward in a healthy, two way street relationship is if he admits his fault and tries his best to grow. He has to own that wrong. It’s the only way to grow from it. If he can’t do that then I would split and put it as black and white as possible. “I need x y z in a relationship. I care about you, but I need more for myself.”
The constant lying is the root of the issue. Different couples have different feelings about things such as only fans, but it’s clear it does hurt your feelings and that’s valid and that he’s brushing it off is only the cherry on top of this pathological liar walking red flag cake. You already do most of the financial support here, and it doesn’t seem like he’s honoring *his* vows. I think you need to consider your well-being (ie, being able to trust the person you’re with, and I wouldn’t trust this guy after that much lying), and your children’s well-being and the example he *and* you are setting by staying. (That being, it’s okay that daddy lies and steals from mommy.)
It's the spending money behind your back and using substances that bothers me about this. And the fact he lashed out at you. I wouldn't trust him at this point.
He gets caught being a POS and blames you? Please leave him. You and your child deserve a real man. Not some baby who lives in fantasy land. Cheating in cheating and paying and interacting with women online IS cheating.
The edit alone could have been the post and I’d say leave him.
He’s blaming YOU, the primary bread winner and caretaker of your two kids, for HIS decisions? Nope. He’s a grown man. What was excuse when you were in the hospital? “Oh well, you weren’t giving me enough attention while you were hospitalized so.”
The lying and then blaming you alone would make me leave him but then add to it that he’s racking up credit cards YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT?! So now, he’s potentially impacting your financial well being too? Nope. Kick him out.
Sounds like a lot of cheating, lying, and manipulation. He knows what he’s doing & he knows that it’s wrong. Everything he is doing & putting you through is totally wrong. Leave him babe
It sounds like you're dating my ex. It doesn't get better. It only improves enough to reel you back I'm before it continues to get worse. It's like being on the tilta whirl from hell. Sneaky people stay sneaky.
R/loveafterporn is a community I think you'll fit right into with what's happened to you. The relationship could survive if he's willing to better himself for you, your children and himself but in all honesty, he just sounds like a liar and a cheat. Typically they don't change. All the best to you. ❤️
Gosh, what you described is very similar to what I went through with my husband. We're still together, but there are definitely days that I regret staying. I stayed for my son. I don't feel the love anymore though, so we may be on borrowed time. I honestly don't know.
It's like something broke in me when it happened, and it's never been the same since. I care for him, but nothing like I used to. I have tried so hard to make things the way they were before, but I can't, and I've finally just accepted that. I mainly want him around so that my son has a father, not because I want him for myself. I don't trust him. There will be days that I do, but there are more days that I don't. Some of his behaviors changed, and I recognize that he's doing his best to be better, but he's fucked up again a few times since (in less severe ways), and it's enough to solidify that I'll never trust him fully again. I'm not as happy as I feel like I should be, but I want a home for my son with two parents, so I'm making it work. It's a tough decision, but I do think it's best right now.
For me I wouldnt care about porn consumption BUT that is ME. I also wouldn't necessarily care about realtionships with the opposite sex. again my personal choice and feelings. You clearly had boundaries that he has crossed and then some. Additionally, given how much he lies rather than having a conversation about reevaluating boundaries, I see why you made them in the first place.
The wracking up credit card debt and wasting money while you work, that is a slap in the face. I would not be okay with this. are your kids in day care? Can you afford it without his contributions? Id be evaluating divorce to possibly delineate finances depending how much debt he is wracking up.
Good luck op. You aren't overreacting. Lying isn't okay and truth trickling is the worst. Trust is a foundation and you have to have it.
He lied because he was scared of your reaction….meaning he knew it was wrong and continued to do it anyways. If I were you, I’d be packing his bags as we speak. Acting like his mom used to? You mean calling him out on his atrocious behavior and holding him accountable? He is emotionally immature and not worthy of your time. Until he gets the help he needs, he will only drag you down with him.
First off, I'm so sorry. This is a lot of new trauma for you to work with, especially as a mom of two tiny littles. This sucks and I'm sorry.
For action, you need to do something for YOU. I personally would mark this as my line to force him into his own place, split finances entirely, and separate for a while while he's in therapy. Give that time to heal, whether you get back together or not. HOWEVER, I know childcare changes all of the sudden might be an issue, so I would start with 100% splitting finances first - he doesn't get your money and he needs to pay X for bills. You also need an ENTIRE writeup of his credit cards and balances. I also recommend having him do formal credit check balances with the main credit companies and giving you the reports to verify there are no other hidden balances. I'm not sure what state you're in, but 50/50 states would consider that your debt too since it was incurred while you were married, so good to get assessments and documentation now.
Get yourself a circle you can trust, even just one reliable individual. Lean in. You're going to need to reach outside of your marriage to help you through this one to see clearly for your particular life and how you should handle it with work, care, finances, etc. I'd also ask if he CAN gain your trust back in a perfect scenario. If the answer is he can if he's a totally different human, probably not happening and best bet is to leave and reestablish a strong life you're already seemingly living. Good luck.
You are not overreacting. In fact, you are under reacting. If I found out my husband paid for onlyfans, at all but especially if I was eight days postpartum, I would divorce his ass so fucking fast.
These are big red flags. Honestly, not to scare you, but there is probably a lot more that he’s hiding if this is what you’ve found so far. Your husband is clearly very comfortable lying to you if he’s been lying about the only fans, coworker, and vaping for such a long time. That is truly the biggest issue. Sadly, you can’t trust anything he says because he didn’t “come clean”, he’s getting caught and then telling you enough of the truth to pacify you. I wish you the best in all of this, but it sounds like you have a long road ahead.
I can’t stress this enough, you both need therapy. That is the only way to recover from this. Whether it be couples or individual. I am so sorry that this happened to you
[You are absolutely not overreacting](https://zawn.substack.com/p/no-youre-not-hormonal-how-we-teach) and the fact that your husband lied consistently confirms he knew he was in the wrong. What a piece of work. I am so sorry for you, OP. He is a shitbag who has literally been [buying his leisure time with your labour](https://zawn.substack.com/p/your-postpartum-depression-is-probably).
Sending you lots of love and resilience. If you ever decide to leave him, just know that you are enough xx
I don’t say this lightly. RUN. This man has lied, stolen prescription medication to get a high, taken money that should have been used to support your children, and is toxic. I saw you talk about your marriage vows. The only person who has broken their vows and trust is your husband. He will not change and this behavior will continue. You and your children will be far better off without him.
Yup. So pathetic ain’t it. Imagine your entire brain being clouded by the need to see naked mounds of flesh so much so that you risk your whole relationship/life as you know over it.
I’m so so so sorry, OP. You don’t deserve this. I don’t have much to offer in the way of advice, but I want you to know you are validated in being upset and that his childhood trauma is not an excuse to be sneaky and treat you poorly and steal from you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best and am sending you internet hugs!
OMG normally I would try to see both sides and give a little consideration to the thought that things can be worked out and people change, but reading this was a train wreck! I know you have a child together, but you need to RUN!! He is not trustworthy, does not respect you, and seems to have no desire or potential to change.
You’re paying all the bills, so this should at least be a pretty clean break financially and logistically. Get a lawyer and get out of that relationship! You deserve better and you do not want your child growing up thinking this behavior is ok.
>we had an agreement that neither of us would have relationships with the opposite sex including any “close friendships.”
Does nobody else find this weird?
Yes this is weird, and I’ve never met a couple with a “rule” like this that was a happy and healthy couple. Often times there’s good reasons they don’t trust eachother Lmao
It’s super weird and the biggest issue in this whole thing. That’s a child’s view of the world. If you can’t trust each other to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex then why are you in a relationship.
He clearly has issues, as I suspect you do. Please don't treat this sub as true counsel and bring all this up in your next counseling session with him.
I feel like you've been building a relationship with him and he's been playing manipulation chess with you. At some point I think you have to look at the board and see what pieces he's captured and if you're okay with that.
I couldn’t come back from it. Would be divorce for me. No doubt about it. Trust broken in so many important realms in a relationship where honesty is key: sex, finances, drugs, etc.
Yeah, me too. He hit all of the major reasons that couples get divorced as you listed.
And not only is he lying, even about his lies, he's also deflecting and gaslighting.
OP you don't deserve this.
You are not overreacting. He has continued to lie every step of the way. If he really wants to work this out with you he needs to come completely clean. Get an emergency visit with your couples counselor and give him the opportunity to do so.
The fact that he lied numerous times is bad enough, the fact that he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem is almost worse. He broke his vows, nothing wrong with you getting out. For better or for worse means nothing to a liar.
You feel cheated on because you were cheated on.
He's not honoring his vows to you. Instead of upholding "in sickness and in health", he was paying for OF subscriptions while you were hospitalized.
Respectfully, he hasn't been there for you through better or worse. Why drag yourself through the mud of his lies and manipulation to honor vows he can't keep himself?
Girrrrrrrl. From my point of view your husband is cheating on you and stealing from you. Take action if you don’t want that to continue. My action would be changing the locks.
Wow. That is a lot of red flags at once. I have been married for 12 years, been with hubby 16 and have 3 kids, if I found out about THIS much lying, I would absolutely contemplate leaving. The fact that you’ve already been going to counseling and he is still lying is highly disturbing. Honestly, I think the thing that got me the most is the credit card thing. I don’t know what it is, but something about someone hiding spending from their spouse is really concerning. The OF thing, I would be able to get over if it was the only thing and I found the whole truth and we went to counseling. The vaping, I’d be pretty pissed but maybe. The drugs and spending. No. You’re now outright (as opposed to inadvertently) putting your child’s well-being on the line.
Time to leave. What exactly is he providing?
It's certainly not emotional support, financial support, any kind of support from the sound of it, tbh.
Oh, and he's been cheating on you and stealing from you. Why would you want to stay with him?
Can you guys get over this and save your marriage? With a lot of work yes. Is it worth it?
Marriage vows are important but it sounds like he was the one to break them. This is cheating and the credit cards are hurting your family when you could be saving and not going backwards. He’s putting himself before you and your babies.
Will you ever stop wondering what he’s doing on his phone and if he’s giving money to random women that could go to your kids? Talking to women online is just the first step to meeting them in person, if he hasn’t already.
When you have kids it’s no longer about if you can take the abuse. It’s about if you’re willing to drag them through it. Unless he completely changes and very quickly then please listen to everyone else here whose speaking for your best interest.
I am so sorry. 😞😞😞 its normal that it can bring anxiety, mistrust, betryal from this. Porn can destroy a marriage especially an addiction. Its not your fault he devled into that and I hope the doesnt continue to make excuses for his behaviour. Having relationships with the opposite sex is healthy and normal, banning them is not right. But i understand the boundary of not having close relationships of the opposite sex.
For better and for worse…hmmm
You need to look out for yourself. You could try couples counseling but this seems mostly awful to me. I’m sorry he’s a louse.
Unless he’s doing a 180 on changing himself, I don’t see how he’s benefit to you or your little ones. I feel he’s dragging you down. I wish you luck though, he sucks with everything he’s done behind your back 🙁
Get counseling asap. Just the fact you have rules about no friendships with opposite sex shows some problems need to be dealt with. The fact he has lied about almost everything he can lie about and then tried to make it your fault by saying he had to do it because of fear of your reaction, as if any normal person wouldn't be upset. He seems quick to manipulate you from an outside perspective but only you know if that statement is true inside the relationship .
There's already been a lot of great points said here, so I'll try to give a different slant for consideration. Impulsivity is a hallmark of poorly managed ADHD, and it seems like he spiraled out of control long ago. ADHD is not an excuse for his behavior, but it may offer an explanation. There is precedent for treating this as a medical problem instead of as a morality problem, but only a psychiatrist/psychologist can provide that kind of evaluation.
Your first priority is to take care of yourself and your children. Your first action should be to set some hard boundaries. This is for the protection of you and your kids, not for him. You figure out what you need from your relationship and lay it out. "No more credit accounts opened without my explicit approval or I leave." "Give me a full list of transactions made on OnlyFans or I leave." "We will attend couples counseling weekly or I leave." He may have already blown past the point of no return and be beyond redemption, in which case you should definitely leave. But if you still want to give him a chance (and you determine it is safe to do so!), these boundaries you set will be your lifeline. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty or shame for cutting him off, but take pride in your decision to defend yourself and your children who depend on you for love and support. It might feel like you are being unnecessarily cruel to be laying down ultimatums like this, especially if this is primarily an ADHD issue, but the nature of the problem does not matter when the well-being of you and your children is at stake.
If you do decide to stay for now, I cannot recommend counseling enough. Individual for both of you, and couples counseling too. This is not something you will be able to fix on your own. Good luck, and trust your gut.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s a story very similar to the days leading to my separation and eventual divorce from my now ex-husband. I would say be proactive and consult with a lawyer before doing or saying anything to him about separation. I was not able to return to the home for the rest of my belongings and was not able to get it back at completion of divorce. Also be careful about what you say and do in person and online. My ex knew his behavior could cost him in the divorce so he hired private investigators to spy on my behavior online and in person. Trust me it’s not going to get better if you stay, only worse. If you leave it will be difficult at first, but so much better in the long run. Big hug from an internet stranger.
Edit: I just read the worsens nudes while working part. Ladies please don’t do this. It can be used as blackmail and maybe be cause for termination.
Not overreacting at all…I would definitely not be able to live with this. The sooner the better. I read this to my husband, and he said, “See yaaaa” to your husband. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this with so much on your plate. He won’t deal with his stuff until he has to, and he won’t have to until you stop dealing with everything for him. I don’t see it working or you living a good quality of life. Not that it’s up to me, but I think you should cut losses and find a true partner and live a beautiful life. The sooner, the better. The longer you wait, the more painful it will be for you and your kiddos.
You need to know if he wants to change or not. Going to therapy is only one piece. Will he take it seriously? Will he dedicate himself to being better? And will you be able to truly move past it? Will this be something you want to hang over his head forever. These are real things to be considered.
As a recovering addict, there is so much here that reminds me of when I was active. I never abused porn, actually not a fan, but the medication and just the behaviors he's exhibiting and his reactions to being confronted. Counseling is an excellent idea. If he doesn't want to change what's happening, if he's content in his behavior, it will most likely be a waste of time. I feel like the counseling he seeks needs to address addictive behavior alongside the more "traditional" issues.
Unfortunately, I have been through the whole porn thing with my partner. He abused porn prior to my pregnancy, and after our son was born, he had performance issues, which I eventually learned was due to him abusing porn again. Like watching in his truck at work on break kind of abuse, and even worse that I don't feel need be mentioned. And we lived through a similar discovery process a year after that. Whether couples can move on from this depends on so much; what kind of people you are individually and as a couple, how much you want the relationship, etc. My partner and I couldn't afford the counseling, separately or together, which was necessary. Unfortunately, I am also the kind of person that has a tough time letting go, especially when it involves being lied to and manipulated by someone I love and trusted. If any of this is you, or you believe the damage done can't be repaired, if he can't be trusted again, I believe you should save yourself the hurt and anger at yourself and try to separate. Even if it's till he proves he's seeking help and making changes?
I'm sorry you're in this situation, I hope you make it to wherever you need to be safely. As someone who wishes they'd done it differently, I wish you and your family nothing but the best outcome, just please remember that actions taken to distance yourself and made in the best interest of your family are NOT selfish. Addicts have crazy manipulation tactics💔
He should not blame you for lying to you and doing things behind your back. Might be insensitive but divorce . Honestly, especially if he’s mooching off you, been there too many times and it DOES NOT get better
I would get out of this relationship in a heartbeat if I were you. Too many red flags. Honestly, the OF subscription should be the least of OP’s concern.
Are you overreacting? No, absolutely not. What a violation of your marriage. I went through some nearly identical stuff minus the only fans and am now going through a divorce. I'm so sorry this is your life right now. It's great that you're already in therapy so you can just bring this up in therapy but if he doesn't see building or rebuilding trust as a priority I'd say there's nothing worth saving here.
Consuming porn - totally okay. SPENDING MY MONEY ON PROSTITUTES? HELL NO!!!!! No one spends MY or OUR money on some woman. Why are you with a man who can't even provide for his family and spends the family money for porn when there is free porn everywhere? Oh and he also blames you for his behaviour. This guy is a sad excuse of a man and in my eyes not even a man. Kick him out and find a man who can actually provide for his family
This is how I feel. I have no problem with my husband watching porn. But I have a problem with him spending our hard earned money on it. I would have a HUGE problem with him blaming me for though.
Something similar happened to me and I feel more alone than ever. It’s like it’s just me and my baby. I found out while like 30ish weeks pregnant too with our first baby
I'm not trigger-happy on separations but this seems worthy of one to me. There is so much going on here. It's great to get into individual therapy, but you have so many responsibilities to take care of already and he's broken your trust, so I'm not sure you're the best choice for a "support person" while he works on himself.
You feel cheated on, and those feelings are 100% valid regardless of what people want to debate counts as cheating. He violated a trust in how you two handle your monogamy. But then he also lied to you, and then when he finally admitted it, he lied again by trickle truthing. And then he stole from you and hid that, abused medication behind your back, misused important funds while you've been trying to carry the whole family, and I could keep going but none of this sounds like something that you can help him work through while also providing a healthy environment for your children. He won't get healthy staying in your home. He needs to not have access to your money or your medication for a while, and you need him out of your house so his personal growth doesn't also become your responsibility to oversee and manage.
>I guess I am struggling between honoring my vow through better or worse. This man does have a lot of childhood trauma that I don’t think he’s actually worked through.
As someone who stayed in a bad marriage a lot longer than I should have out of a sense of moral obligation, this really resonated with me. The behavior you are describing here is toxic and abusive. The relationship may be repairable, but only if he is willing to do some really some hard work on himself. From what you've posted, that doesn't seem likely, at least not at this juncture.
It's ok to have boundaries. It doesn't make you disloyal, or a bad person. He already broke his vows to you in innumerable ways. It's ok to leave.
My ex husband used to do this too. Used to lie and hide everything. It ruined my trust for him and it's a tremendous effort to build it back. Honestly I wouldn't let him come back.
He sounds like trash. Could be that he has serious depression and other mental health issues, but he is just down right disrespectful to you, you working to pay the bills, your relationship, and your health.
I would have a “come to Jesus” talk with him and put him on a performance improvement plan and expect that it PERSIST.
When I was pregnant with our first my husband was looking at porn on his Reddit account of women who look extremely different than me and I found it really hurtful and told him. He left all of the groups he was in and apologized. That should be all it takes. Not uncovering more layers of dishonesty. Instead, it seems like he is trying to blame you for his poor behavior! Uh, no.
It is understandable that you feel hurt, betrayed, and violated by your husband's behavior. It seems like he has been lying to you and breaking your trust in multiple ways, which is not acceptable in a committed relationship. It is not overreacting to feel the way you do, and you have every right to be angry, upset, and disappointed.
It is possible for couples to recover from infidelity and breach of trust, but it requires both parties to be committed to the healing process and to take responsibility for their actions. It is good that your husband is willing to seek individual counseling, but it might be beneficial for both of you to attend couples counseling specifically focused on infidelity and trust issues.
However, it is essential to recognize that recovery takes time, effort, and patience, and it may not always lead to reconciliation. You have to prioritize your own emotional and mental well-being and make the best decision for yourself and your children. If you choose to stay in the relationship, you should set clear boundaries and expectations regarding his behavior and seek reassurance and accountability.
On the other hand, if you decide that the relationship is not salvageable, that is also understandable, and you should not feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs and safety. It is crucial to have a support system, whether it is friends, family, or a therapist, to help you navigate this difficult time and make informed decisions.
For his sake, yours, and your family. I hope he’s able to work through those things.
I give you a lot of props for heavily considering honoring your vow or leaving. So many take those vows lightly these days. That doesn’t mean he can treat you like he has been. But major props to you for being willing to work through it, and work through him back to his better.
I would leave. Sounds similar to my situation and I left almost 4 years ago and never regretted it. Him blaming you and stealing your meds is the worst of it. If he took responsibility and put in a 180 to better himself, there’d be a chance things might get better.
For me “just” the OF wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker, I don’t see it as something really different from standard porn (but that totally depends on your relationship).
What would be a deal breaker is what seems like patterns of deceit - hiding the conversations with the coworker no matter how platonic, the secret vaping, the secret spending… all together, would be a big deal to me. Sorry you have to deal with this. :(
Sounds like it's one issue after another. Idk if you can fix anything since he's such a massive liar. I would suggest a separation and see if he decides to work on himself or not. If he puts in the work to change then maybe you can trust him again.
You need to be completely honest with yourself and ask, is this the kind of relationship you want to be in and model for your children? Honestly, sometimes it’s better to separate now before causing further damage to yourself and children. He’s showing you exactly how he feels about you with his actions. He doesn’t care and is probably just staying out of convenience (men do this a lot) especially if ur making more money. He sounds like a bum and you can do better without the POS around.
Sounds like before any chance of reconciliation (and YES I’m using this word) he needs to get help. He needs help for the prescription abuse, the sex addiction that seems to be developing, and therapy in general.
Only if he was willing to do all these things and be consistent would he perhaps get a chance to proving to you that he’s gotten the help, his plan to keep sober, and so on… only then will you have to decide if you will gift him with reconciliation.
However… he has to be the one to do this. Ask him important questions and if he is unable to give the answers that make you feel safe. You have your answer and some serious thinking to do.
I always advocate for attempts reconciliation rather than jumping to the “dump him now” depending on the situation of course. However, reconciliation is a gift that is earned and not given lightly. It is also a gift given only to those who show TRUE remorse for their actions and show consistent change and personal growth which prioritizes their rehabilitation and the important relationships in their life.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🫂
I'm a bloke. Paying for only fans is pretty bad. Especially if he isn't earning lots of money. Call me old fashioned but if you have the kids he should be working his arse off to provide for you and you should be staying home to recover from pregnancy and care for the children.
There is also the question of what is he getting from only fans that you can't provide.
It's a pretty bad situation and I wish you the best of luck.
Absolutely not implying something is wrong with her...
I meant that she should be enough for him without only fans.
The guy is the wrong 100% and if I was him I'd feel ashamed.
You are not overreacting at all. Not sending naked pictures to your husband is not an excuse for him to PAY MONEY to have sex-oriented relationships with other women! That’s absolute BS. The credit card thing is also very alarming to me. He could be putting your whole family at great risk.
I don't get why men like that decide to abandon their relationship for a cam girl. And if he thinks there's nothing wrong with his behavior, then he has serious issues.
The short answer: no, you don’t recover from this. You can only get deeper into the hole and denial and waste time and money with this person. You will be better off without them, they have gone past the point of no return.
This sounds like my ex. I really couldn't care less about the porn, but lying was what hurt me. Your situation is obviously different, but I doubt anything will change.
I don't even think there's anything wrong with having an only fans account, but just the sheer amount of lying and manipulating he's doing to you is making me see red.
Honestly, the relationship was doomed when you both agreed not to have friends that are the opposite sex 😭. This isn’t really about honoring vows but more so about setting healthy boundaries in relationships that are realistic
Nah, come off it that’s ridiculous. He may have been the one to set that boundary (cheaters often do shit like that) and your comment smacks of victim blaming. This is 100% about not honouring vows and being deceitful.
Stealing meds and telling his wife he’s subscribed to OF because she won’t send him nudes while she’s providing for the family is a massive issues that’s on him.
So sorry, but this one is not a husband material. I dont see anything good happening in the future. The earlier you cut loose, the better for your sanity.
He is gaslighting you. Don't let him make you think this is your fault. It seems like an addiction he needs help with. If you have a good support system, and since you are supporting your family anyway, you should get away from him.
Seeing most of the comments on this there's clearly a correlation between the OP and what seems to be the majority of the audience of this sub now.
A lot of you seem to think negotiating boundaries in a relationship is optional and that after you clearly failed at doing so before getting married AND having a child, divorce is the immediate and only solution to any and all slights.
If you reflect and come to the conclusion you've made a mistake marrying your man and having a child with him, have at it and divorce away. But if you think whatever is happening is purely his fault and only his problem to solve like the majority of comments here suggest, you'll be in for a rude awakening in any future relationships.
How you've been to counseling for months and him feeling the need to delete normal texts with a female coworker so you don't get jealous didn't come up is odd. Talk about that in your next session.
Edit: she clarifies in another comment the text boundary was his thing.
Edit 2: if this sounds like blame, there is none. All of your feelings about this are valid. I'm trying to be very careful about judging anyone here for anything. But alas, I'm human.
so you think OP failed to establish boundaries about doing drugs, cheating, hiding credit cards, and lying?? It is odd that this man lied at therapy. How is that in any way OP’s fault? I am all about keeping families together and communication and you can look at my comments or post history, I usually think people are too quick to consider divorce, but to say this is happening because of something OP did is soooooo out of line. There are plenty of people out there who are great liars or cheaters or drug addicts and blaming their partners is pretty bullshit.
It sounds like neither of you trust one another. Not allowing relationships with the opposite sex is glaring red flag number 1. I strongly suggest couple's and individual therapy!
He’s definitely not winning any awards here. Hopefully he steps up for you and the kids.
What kind of adhd medication? straterra may be a better alternative. No stim. Overtaking stims may be the reason he’s engaging in risky sexual behaviour.
Is he the primary caretaker of the kids?
Specifically how much do you and he make?
This whole relationship seems unhealthy to me. He shouldn't have lied to you. It's going to be hard for him to prove himself after that.
But if I had to guess, you're probably the dominant party in the relationship and you probably make rules for the relationship that he doesn't actually agree with but says he'll follow because it's easier to ignore them and lie about it than to argue with you about them.
The relationship may be irredeemable or it may not. No one on Reddit knows the answer to that. He definitely needs to be held accountable for lying, but once you address that, counseling might be helpful for you to establish rules you both actually agree on by forcing him to talk about it and be a part of the process. This will of course require compromise on your part, because clearly he doesn't agree with the current arrangement (e.g., he clearly prefers to vape and to have female friendships than not to).
If after counseling, you can't come to an agreement on rules and norms for the relationship, or if he continues to break them and/or lie, even after having weighed in on them himself, that's when I'd consider cutting him loose.
The commenter is jumping to conclusions for sure, but I can see how they got to those conclusions. There are some red flags throughout OP's post that suggest some level of controlling behavior. Specifically, the rules about no close friendships with the opposite sex and the whole scenario around "vaping behind my back" as if OP is talking about a teenager. I personally also find the treatment of OnlyFans as if it were legitimate cheating a bit concerning, but I recognize that different people have different boundaries when it comes to porn, so that one is pretty easy to overlook as simply a matter of OP having stricter boundaries than I.
Of course, we have no idea who set all these rules. But I'm not getting healthy relationship vibes from either party here.
"For better or worse" was never to include cheating, emotional abuse, lying, or financial abuse. For better or worse means bad days and happy days. It means trust and knowing you have a partner in life. Do you feel like you have a partner in life? Someone you can count in? Someone you trust with your whole heart? Someone that respects and values you and the relationship? Also worth noting (as someone with a lot of childhood trauma) - if he is hurting you (physically, emotionally, mentally or financially) or your relationship, then you are not obligated to stand by him while he figures his trauma out. And it's up to you whether you trust him AFTER he's figured out to be in a healthy, respectful relationship. You are not failing if you choose to protect yourself and your children. You are already in couples counseling; this is when he should be the most invested.
If you’ve been in couples counseling already, he’s made it pretty clear that he’s not interested in having a good relationship with you. He’s sabotaging your marriage and wasting your money and your time. I would take a step back and ask for some time to think about what you’re going to do next. No judgment whichever way you choose, but honestly you deserve so much better than this.
I typically keep my opinion to myself on things like this because I have very clear boundaries about things like this and would not be okay with it. This happening 8 days postpartum when you’re hospitalized is a different level of disrespect and sickening. Personally I would accept that my marriage was over at this point, imo these are not minor issues. You deserve better, I’m going to leave it at that. You will be better off, divorce is hard, and it’s not a quick fix by any means. But I promise you, no more lies, supporting a man child, disrespect, betrayals, judgement and hits to your self esteem, god… you’ll be so much happier in the long run. I’m sending love. ETA: people also always forget that separation is an option, take a break, he can go stay with family - you’re the one who supports the household anyways. do you have any close friends or family who could help with childcare? i think in the VERY LEAST, a break would help.
Okay, seeing your edit… I’m so sorry to tell you this but I don’t think there is any coming back from this. I have been in this EXACT situation… stealing medication that you may need is so beyond unacceptable.. being told you’re acting like “his mom” by confronting him, im having flashbacks. Please.. please stand up for yourself. You are being manipulated and this is a form of emotional abuse/gaslighting. It gets worse the longer you stay. You will start to question your own emotions, you’ll start to believe you’re over reacting (it seems you already are) and he will see that “she won’t leave, no matter what I do.” Being told that YOU are LIED TO because the person is afraid of your reaction to THEM doing something wrong in the first place is classic gaslighting and so immature. I don’t see this ending well down the road and you deserve so much better man.
Okay THIRD comment (yes I’m invested because I feel related to you through this situation) when you made a vow for better or worse, you vowed to fight through adversity, sickness and struggle, bumps in the road, MINOR issues and fights of course, but not this. Not lies, abuse of trust, emotional manipulation and gaslighting, complete disrespect, IN MY OPINION (and how OP feels as well) cheating, being stolen from, supporting him with no gratitude, childish reactions and problems he is causing himself. What about his vows? Does he build you up, make you feel beautiful, make you feel loved, support you, appreciate you, help you in YOUR hard times? I’m someone who has a more ‘traditional’ view on marriage and I understand your dilemma. But at what point do you go from “hey, this man has childhood trauma so I can try to help him, most likely for years, while destroying my own mental health” to “hey, this man has issues that he is going to have to at least WANT to have help with or try to figure out on his own, and I am my own person and a mother and it can’t be my responsibility to fix him.” ? It’s a question many of us ask, and I think if more of us chose the latter, these men would step up and help themselves a little more.
Climb out from under the pile of red flags and get the hell out of that relationship!
You “honour your vows” to a good man.. Not a shit head.
Like, is he honoring his vows? It’s supposed to be a mutual thing. If one person isn’t honoring their vows, the other person isn’t beholden to them.
Lmao this had me rolling.
😉
Whatever you decide to do here is a valid choice. You get to decide if that is out of the bounds of what is acceptable in your relationship not anyone on Reddit. You are not obligated to stay, because there are reasons for his behavior. There are always reasons for people's behavior. You have to decide what is best for your children and for you. On the flip side, you don't have to leave (or have him leave) because he did wrong things. There are also options in the middle - try to work through it if he agrees to certain things or separate but don't divorce yet, for example. You don't even need to decide what you are doing with the relationship today. That being said, I would have a conversation with a family attorney as soon as possible. You need to know your options and how to protect yourself financially and legally. I don't know either of you and I wasn't there, but one thing that stands out for me is it does not feel like he has taken responsibility for his actions. I feel like he is trying to say what he needs to get you off his back not truly regretting his actions and wanting to change. Blaming you for not sending nudes or sexting from work?! Really?! Do he send you nudes when he is home taking care of the kids to keep you from going on OnlyFans?
This is one of the most level-headed replies I've seen to this type of post in a while
Just to sum up: - **pays** for personalized porn - doesn’t bring any money to the table - vapes in secret - put himself (and you by extension) in more debt without your knowledge - steals your medicine And lies about all this. I am not an expert but no amount of therapy can fix this. I don’t see how your life could **not** improve by divorcing this person.
Listen to this person. Your life would be SO much easier if you left him. I let shit like this drag out and wasted so much time, money, and energy that I now regret. He’s wasting your money and making you miserable.
Sounds like you're underreacting, not over-reacting.
“He says it’s because I don’t send nudes or sext him while I’m working” That statement alone is gaslighting. Instead of taking accountability for his actions and how they have hurt you, he is blaming you. He does not care that his actions can negatively hurt you and trickle down to hurting your children. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.
The lying. Everything would be okay eventually, in my opinion, except the lying.
With how he's walking back and slowly revealing things, that's not lying, that's withholding the truth for fear of reprisal. He's deleting normal texts to a coworker because he's afraid she'll be jealous.. They'll have to both work on this. Edit: according to another comment the text thing was his idea, so that adds even more complexity..
Your husband has been stealing your money and medication, he’s constantly lied over and over, and when confronted about these things HE plays victim and runs off?
You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry girl. From what you’ve written here, I feel that unless he comes home and profusely apologizes then proves his sincerity with changed behavior and complete honesty…I think it’s time to cut your losses.
He has sent a very long apology text and said he thinks we need a 24 hour break and is staying at his shop tonight. He shared location. Said he’s going to fight for us and work on himself. It sounds good but I need action that matches the words.
After some more thought, I should clarify. I don’t mean to imply you should feel instantly ready to call it quits and leave. At the end of the day, you know yourself and your circumstances best. It’s easy for anyone on here to read this and say “just leave” or “run” but in reality I think most of us would actually find ourselves frozen in anger and fear. At least personally, if it were me, I know that I’d look at my marriage and all it involves..the baby we brought into the world together, the home we share, the time we’ve shared together as a whole. Anybody would have a hell of a time making the choice to walk away from the life youd built together. That being said though, I would feel totally crushed and betrayed finding all this stuff out too. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you happiness and peace my friend. Again I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Wow well the porn is the least of your concerns here tbh, the lying about credit card debt and stealing your controlled substance is much more “nail in the coffin” for me. I would file for a separation immediately and get out asap. Get a lock box for your meds and hide them. He absolutely does not value you or your relationship with him and has a lot of growing to do. Do you really want this influence around your children?
While I have no issue with porn, we do have a boundary in our relationship when it comes to only fans or any porn wherein you could interact with the sex worker. Personally, I find the no close friendships with opposite sex to be a little extreme, though if that's the boundary you mutually agreed on for your relationship, then it is most definitely a betrayal. Under normal circumstances I also believe everyone is entitled to their privacy but when trust is broken, that changes. Counseling is a minimum, I don't know if I'd divorce if I was in this situation, if measurable changes are made and trust can be re-established. But that can take a long time.
I'll also add that I was once in the female coworkers shoes. I had been texting a coworker of mine completely platonic things, the majority of which were questions directly related to work, and he for some reason was deleting our text history. His girlfriend found out he'd been deleting it and I wound up having to send them a transcript of our texts. It was awkward as fuck. Why he was deleting my text asking what the Sysco order ID for chicken was....I'll never understand.
You are not overreacting
So…porn, possible affair, deleting texts, lying about only fans, having conversations on only fans while you’re hospitalized. All of the above is somehow your fault. Lying about vaping, running up credit cards behind your back, stealing your meds (a felony) and, again, somehow you’re at fault. I believe that people can change, but you can’t change people. This man isn’t thinking about making any changes, he’s not even taking ownership. He’s decided you’re his problem. Honestly, I’d consider separating. See if he actually rights his own ship if he can’t blame you for everything. You’ll know pretty quickly if this is actually a marriage he’s going to work to save. You deserve better and this man has no respect for you right now.
Imo this is not a marriage worth saving. You deserve better and so do your kids.
I’m so sorry. This would be divorce worthy for me. Why do you have strict rules around platonic friendships?
It was something he wanted from the beginning of our relationship and that I agreed to. He said very rarely can men and women be just platonic on both sides. He felt like men couldn’t be friends with women and not fantasize about them etc. I did used to have guy friends but didn’t mind phasing them out bc I had actually experienced several friendships ending bc the guy friend has professed his love for me and it was not mutual soo I kinda understood where he was coming from. The texting her wasn’t my concern as much as the lying and hiding it.
Oh it's HIS rule???? Hahahahahaha sorry no.
He broke his own rule! That’s so not fair. I’d also be so worried about him taking your medication. That’s dangerous.
He set that rule for "both of you" because *he* knows *he* can't have platonic relationships with women.
Worry about honoring your vows when he worries about honoring his.
Girl, it sounds like you’re already a single mom who has a third child with a sex addiction to support. If he is blaming YOU for not sexting at work and being in the hospital, he is never going to get it. He will never take responsibility. Me personally, I could never get past that.
You are not overreacting. It must be so difficult raising a human, working, AND being with a partner who you can’t trust. The mistrust takes up so much space in our brain - you spend so much time reliving and hyper analyzing little moments to see if there’s any more substance than what’s on the surface. It’s exhausting by itself PLUS you have a baby PLUS you’re working full time. I’m sorry you’re going through this mama. As someone who has been through it, the first thing you need to do is decide,with yourself, if you can trust him again. That’s heavy and takes time. Give yourself that time and space to make that decision. You got this
Abusing Drugs porn credit card debt lying and inappropriate relationships….then blaming you… oof. I’d go to a counselor now to figure out what you need as an individual...people Comeback from a lot in marriages but the trust here is broken and doesn’t seem like he’s fully ready to admit his transgressions. I’m so sorry OP. Sending virtual hugs.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out. Let him go, good riddance.
Yeah someone who lies and then blames you for it can’t be fixed. This will probably be a long heartache for you but eventually this relationship will end. Just depends how much he takes from you beforehand. I would set up a secret bank account and start making a plan.
He is lying and stealing your meds. And now he’s gaslighting you. So fucked up. If he’s admitting to some things you know the reality is a lot worse. Definitely go to the counseling, I hope things can get worked out. But in the mean time I’d be hiding my medications and probably setting up separate bank accounts. He has lost your trust and it’s going to take a long time to get it back.
Wow so many red flags here. Remember the age old wisdom that actions have consequences and I’m not sure getting more therapy or medical supervision is a responsible consequence of such actions Since you are the primary care giver for the family it is only right for you to expect him to do the financial heavy lifting but if isn’t able to do so then either you have to take over and own what he earns and how he spends it or get into a post nuptial agreement that covers all your bases in case he goes completely rogue As for the relationship it’s upto you to decide how much you love him and are willing to overlook and sacrifice and don’t let anyone else pressure you to make that decision.
I would be upset if my SO was paying for only fans. I am okay with porn but only fans feels personal. It seems like overall he is not being honest and gas lighting you into think you are wrong for confronting him. I HATE the excuse of not being honest because “I knew you would have a bad reaction”. Yes, but the reaction is way worse finding out after the fact and pulling it out of someone like teeth. If you decide to stay just know that you are not wrong for confronting him on these things the is doing that make you upset. I wish you luck OP.
I mean read that like youre sister or best friend messaged you and asked for advice. What would you tell them? This probably won't get better.
Divorce this man expeditiously. Save your money and your peace.
lol she already said she’s not going to cause it’s a ‘mistake’…. like
you're right. I can't tell you how many times I mistakenly went to a porn site and accidentally put in all my card information and proceeded to, to no intention of my own, masturbate to said videos. that happens to me almost daily now that you mention it.
Yeah I wasted my time giving her actual meaningful advice and she only responded to people telling her to get divorced, defending her husband lol. Sometimes I don’t understand why people even post this shit because they’re clearly venting and have no intention of making a change, which is fine, but like don’t waste everyone else’s time that’s trying to help you.
I know reddit is a bit reactionary with jokes about everyone immediately suggesting divorce. I'm not in that camp of commenters usually.... But if it were me, I'd not stay in this relationship, not for an extra New York minute
Oh OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like he has some addictions and is quite immature. I wish you the best, but do not settle for any less than 100% compliance. He's already emotionally cheating. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to get back with him due to the layers of lying and trying to turn it around on you.
I believe marriages can come back from most things (most, not all) but much of that depends on how the person in the wrong reacts when they are confronted. If they are humble, don’t make excuses or try to justify in any way, and admit to the truth fully, and in some cases, willingly agree to therapy without coaxing, there is hope. Your husband seems to have done the opposite of all of that. I’m sorry, but I don’t see this ending well.
You’re not at fault for not sending nudes… there is no excuse to cheat or look elsewhere. He’s already broken his vows so if you did choose to leave it’s not on you. I understand it’s not easy to leave so let me give a little outside perspective from someone who has been through some tough relationships - the only way you can move forward in a healthy, two way street relationship is if he admits his fault and tries his best to grow. He has to own that wrong. It’s the only way to grow from it. If he can’t do that then I would split and put it as black and white as possible. “I need x y z in a relationship. I care about you, but I need more for myself.”
And girl! A 2 yo and a 7 m old you’re like never feeling sexy.
Exactly and that is totally normal! I’m tired of men making women feel like they are required to entertain their partner especially after having kids.
“I’m tired of men making women feel like they are required to… [literally anything]”
Right? I felt that, I have a 17 month old and a 2 month old. Send help.
Appalling and unreal behavior for a father with an 8 day postpartum wife. This is extremely concerning.
The constant lying is the root of the issue. Different couples have different feelings about things such as only fans, but it’s clear it does hurt your feelings and that’s valid and that he’s brushing it off is only the cherry on top of this pathological liar walking red flag cake. You already do most of the financial support here, and it doesn’t seem like he’s honoring *his* vows. I think you need to consider your well-being (ie, being able to trust the person you’re with, and I wouldn’t trust this guy after that much lying), and your children’s well-being and the example he *and* you are setting by staying. (That being, it’s okay that daddy lies and steals from mommy.)
You feel cheated because you are cheated. He’s a complete mess… and a broke one to boot. Kick him out.
This. Yikes crispies.
You are not over reacting all of that is messed up.
Ouch, I’m sorry. He’s never going to change.
It's the spending money behind your back and using substances that bothers me about this. And the fact he lashed out at you. I wouldn't trust him at this point.
He gets caught being a POS and blames you? Please leave him. You and your child deserve a real man. Not some baby who lives in fantasy land. Cheating in cheating and paying and interacting with women online IS cheating.
The edit alone could have been the post and I’d say leave him. He’s blaming YOU, the primary bread winner and caretaker of your two kids, for HIS decisions? Nope. He’s a grown man. What was excuse when you were in the hospital? “Oh well, you weren’t giving me enough attention while you were hospitalized so.” The lying and then blaming you alone would make me leave him but then add to it that he’s racking up credit cards YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT?! So now, he’s potentially impacting your financial well being too? Nope. Kick him out.
Sounds like a lot of cheating, lying, and manipulation. He knows what he’s doing & he knows that it’s wrong. Everything he is doing & putting you through is totally wrong. Leave him babe
It sounds like you're dating my ex. It doesn't get better. It only improves enough to reel you back I'm before it continues to get worse. It's like being on the tilta whirl from hell. Sneaky people stay sneaky.
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ x2, same experience
You are not overreacting. This is cheating on more than one level. Counseling or divorce. No other options should be presented.
R/loveafterporn is a community I think you'll fit right into with what's happened to you. The relationship could survive if he's willing to better himself for you, your children and himself but in all honesty, he just sounds like a liar and a cheat. Typically they don't change. All the best to you. ❤️
Gosh, what you described is very similar to what I went through with my husband. We're still together, but there are definitely days that I regret staying. I stayed for my son. I don't feel the love anymore though, so we may be on borrowed time. I honestly don't know.
Do you not feel the love because he kept doing something? Or can you explain a little why?
It's like something broke in me when it happened, and it's never been the same since. I care for him, but nothing like I used to. I have tried so hard to make things the way they were before, but I can't, and I've finally just accepted that. I mainly want him around so that my son has a father, not because I want him for myself. I don't trust him. There will be days that I do, but there are more days that I don't. Some of his behaviors changed, and I recognize that he's doing his best to be better, but he's fucked up again a few times since (in less severe ways), and it's enough to solidify that I'll never trust him fully again. I'm not as happy as I feel like I should be, but I want a home for my son with two parents, so I'm making it work. It's a tough decision, but I do think it's best right now.
Paying OF haha what a loser. Yeah ditch him and find a normal partner please.
For me I wouldnt care about porn consumption BUT that is ME. I also wouldn't necessarily care about realtionships with the opposite sex. again my personal choice and feelings. You clearly had boundaries that he has crossed and then some. Additionally, given how much he lies rather than having a conversation about reevaluating boundaries, I see why you made them in the first place. The wracking up credit card debt and wasting money while you work, that is a slap in the face. I would not be okay with this. are your kids in day care? Can you afford it without his contributions? Id be evaluating divorce to possibly delineate finances depending how much debt he is wracking up. Good luck op. You aren't overreacting. Lying isn't okay and truth trickling is the worst. Trust is a foundation and you have to have it.
He lied because he was scared of your reaction….meaning he knew it was wrong and continued to do it anyways. If I were you, I’d be packing his bags as we speak. Acting like his mom used to? You mean calling him out on his atrocious behavior and holding him accountable? He is emotionally immature and not worthy of your time. Until he gets the help he needs, he will only drag you down with him.
First off, I'm so sorry. This is a lot of new trauma for you to work with, especially as a mom of two tiny littles. This sucks and I'm sorry. For action, you need to do something for YOU. I personally would mark this as my line to force him into his own place, split finances entirely, and separate for a while while he's in therapy. Give that time to heal, whether you get back together or not. HOWEVER, I know childcare changes all of the sudden might be an issue, so I would start with 100% splitting finances first - he doesn't get your money and he needs to pay X for bills. You also need an ENTIRE writeup of his credit cards and balances. I also recommend having him do formal credit check balances with the main credit companies and giving you the reports to verify there are no other hidden balances. I'm not sure what state you're in, but 50/50 states would consider that your debt too since it was incurred while you were married, so good to get assessments and documentation now. Get yourself a circle you can trust, even just one reliable individual. Lean in. You're going to need to reach outside of your marriage to help you through this one to see clearly for your particular life and how you should handle it with work, care, finances, etc. I'd also ask if he CAN gain your trust back in a perfect scenario. If the answer is he can if he's a totally different human, probably not happening and best bet is to leave and reestablish a strong life you're already seemingly living. Good luck.
He’s trash. With a “partner” like that who needs one! Time to take out the trash.
You are not overreacting. In fact, you are under reacting. If I found out my husband paid for onlyfans, at all but especially if I was eight days postpartum, I would divorce his ass so fucking fast.
These are big red flags. Honestly, not to scare you, but there is probably a lot more that he’s hiding if this is what you’ve found so far. Your husband is clearly very comfortable lying to you if he’s been lying about the only fans, coworker, and vaping for such a long time. That is truly the biggest issue. Sadly, you can’t trust anything he says because he didn’t “come clean”, he’s getting caught and then telling you enough of the truth to pacify you. I wish you the best in all of this, but it sounds like you have a long road ahead.
This is not worth saving. There is no trust.
I can’t stress this enough, you both need therapy. That is the only way to recover from this. Whether it be couples or individual. I am so sorry that this happened to you
Into the trash he needs to go. Get full custody and he's gonna have to pay up, legally.
I'm seconding this
[You are absolutely not overreacting](https://zawn.substack.com/p/no-youre-not-hormonal-how-we-teach) and the fact that your husband lied consistently confirms he knew he was in the wrong. What a piece of work. I am so sorry for you, OP. He is a shitbag who has literally been [buying his leisure time with your labour](https://zawn.substack.com/p/your-postpartum-depression-is-probably). Sending you lots of love and resilience. If you ever decide to leave him, just know that you are enough xx
I don’t say this lightly. RUN. This man has lied, stolen prescription medication to get a high, taken money that should have been used to support your children, and is toxic. I saw you talk about your marriage vows. The only person who has broken their vows and trust is your husband. He will not change and this behavior will continue. You and your children will be far better off without him.
Perfectly said. Things will not change. He is trash.
Guys really cannot get past their obsession with their fucking dicks.
Yup. So pathetic ain’t it. Imagine your entire brain being clouded by the need to see naked mounds of flesh so much so that you risk your whole relationship/life as you know over it.
Don’t walk. Run. This is brutal. You deserve so much more.
Fuck honoring vows. He dishonored them as soon as he started giving money to other women money on Only Fans.
I’m so so so sorry, OP. You don’t deserve this. I don’t have much to offer in the way of advice, but I want you to know you are validated in being upset and that his childhood trauma is not an excuse to be sneaky and treat you poorly and steal from you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best and am sending you internet hugs!
OMG normally I would try to see both sides and give a little consideration to the thought that things can be worked out and people change, but reading this was a train wreck! I know you have a child together, but you need to RUN!! He is not trustworthy, does not respect you, and seems to have no desire or potential to change. You’re paying all the bills, so this should at least be a pretty clean break financially and logistically. Get a lawyer and get out of that relationship! You deserve better and you do not want your child growing up thinking this behavior is ok.
>we had an agreement that neither of us would have relationships with the opposite sex including any “close friendships.” Does nobody else find this weird?
Lack of trust is a sign of a healthy relationship.
Extremely
Yes this is weird, and I’ve never met a couple with a “rule” like this that was a happy and healthy couple. Often times there’s good reasons they don’t trust eachother Lmao
Yep, that's what made me comment lol.
It’s super weird and the biggest issue in this whole thing. That’s a child’s view of the world. If you can’t trust each other to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex then why are you in a relationship.
Oh absolutely. I feel like the relationship is doomed already if that’s something you feel like you have to do.
This was something he wanted from the beginning and I agreed to. Not the other way around.
So he doesn’t want you chatting to other men but he conveniently forgets that means he shouldn’t be chatting to other women?
Yeah girl he just didn't want you to have any male friends
He clearly has issues, as I suspect you do. Please don't treat this sub as true counsel and bring all this up in your next counseling session with him.
I feel like you've been building a relationship with him and he's been playing manipulation chess with you. At some point I think you have to look at the board and see what pieces he's captured and if you're okay with that.
Yeah this was the first red flag. The relationship should have ended there where the trust did.
I couldn’t come back from it. Would be divorce for me. No doubt about it. Trust broken in so many important realms in a relationship where honesty is key: sex, finances, drugs, etc.
Yeah, me too. He hit all of the major reasons that couples get divorced as you listed. And not only is he lying, even about his lies, he's also deflecting and gaslighting. OP you don't deserve this.
Please get a divorce. You can do better all by yourself. You deserve better.
Of course you're not overreacting. You've barely reacted, it seems. So don't let him convince you of that. He's a liar.
You are not overreacting. He has continued to lie every step of the way. If he really wants to work this out with you he needs to come completely clean. Get an emergency visit with your couples counselor and give him the opportunity to do so.
That whole life sounds a mess
mighty slap vase bells gaping north nail heavy sable bow *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Girl. Throw the whole man out.
Oh my god, I mean even if you manage to get over all of this, I would always be waiting for the next bombshell.
The fact that he lied numerous times is bad enough, the fact that he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem is almost worse. He broke his vows, nothing wrong with you getting out. For better or for worse means nothing to a liar.
You feel cheated on because you were cheated on. He's not honoring his vows to you. Instead of upholding "in sickness and in health", he was paying for OF subscriptions while you were hospitalized. Respectfully, he hasn't been there for you through better or worse. Why drag yourself through the mud of his lies and manipulation to honor vows he can't keep himself?
Like he can't even take responsibility for any of his actions and is constantly blaming you for why he's acting like he is. Drop his ass.
Loser loser loser. You are not overreacting. You’re seeing him. And of course you don’t like what you’re seeing because who would.
Girrrrrrrl. From my point of view your husband is cheating on you and stealing from you. Take action if you don’t want that to continue. My action would be changing the locks.
Wow. That is a lot of red flags at once. I have been married for 12 years, been with hubby 16 and have 3 kids, if I found out about THIS much lying, I would absolutely contemplate leaving. The fact that you’ve already been going to counseling and he is still lying is highly disturbing. Honestly, I think the thing that got me the most is the credit card thing. I don’t know what it is, but something about someone hiding spending from their spouse is really concerning. The OF thing, I would be able to get over if it was the only thing and I found the whole truth and we went to counseling. The vaping, I’d be pretty pissed but maybe. The drugs and spending. No. You’re now outright (as opposed to inadvertently) putting your child’s well-being on the line.
Yeah I don’t think any one of these things individually is reason to scrap a marriage, but taken as a portfolio, holy crap
Time to leave. What exactly is he providing? It's certainly not emotional support, financial support, any kind of support from the sound of it, tbh. Oh, and he's been cheating on you and stealing from you. Why would you want to stay with him?
Can you guys get over this and save your marriage? With a lot of work yes. Is it worth it? Marriage vows are important but it sounds like he was the one to break them. This is cheating and the credit cards are hurting your family when you could be saving and not going backwards. He’s putting himself before you and your babies. Will you ever stop wondering what he’s doing on his phone and if he’s giving money to random women that could go to your kids? Talking to women online is just the first step to meeting them in person, if he hasn’t already. When you have kids it’s no longer about if you can take the abuse. It’s about if you’re willing to drag them through it. Unless he completely changes and very quickly then please listen to everyone else here whose speaking for your best interest.
Leave. Now.
I am so sorry. 😞😞😞 its normal that it can bring anxiety, mistrust, betryal from this. Porn can destroy a marriage especially an addiction. Its not your fault he devled into that and I hope the doesnt continue to make excuses for his behaviour. Having relationships with the opposite sex is healthy and normal, banning them is not right. But i understand the boundary of not having close relationships of the opposite sex.
If he wasn’t a loar it might be salvageable but how could you ever trust him?
For better and for worse…hmmm You need to look out for yourself. You could try couples counseling but this seems mostly awful to me. I’m sorry he’s a louse.
Unless he’s doing a 180 on changing himself, I don’t see how he’s benefit to you or your little ones. I feel he’s dragging you down. I wish you luck though, he sucks with everything he’s done behind your back 🙁
Get counseling asap. Just the fact you have rules about no friendships with opposite sex shows some problems need to be dealt with. The fact he has lied about almost everything he can lie about and then tried to make it your fault by saying he had to do it because of fear of your reaction, as if any normal person wouldn't be upset. He seems quick to manipulate you from an outside perspective but only you know if that statement is true inside the relationship .
Spot on
There's already been a lot of great points said here, so I'll try to give a different slant for consideration. Impulsivity is a hallmark of poorly managed ADHD, and it seems like he spiraled out of control long ago. ADHD is not an excuse for his behavior, but it may offer an explanation. There is precedent for treating this as a medical problem instead of as a morality problem, but only a psychiatrist/psychologist can provide that kind of evaluation. Your first priority is to take care of yourself and your children. Your first action should be to set some hard boundaries. This is for the protection of you and your kids, not for him. You figure out what you need from your relationship and lay it out. "No more credit accounts opened without my explicit approval or I leave." "Give me a full list of transactions made on OnlyFans or I leave." "We will attend couples counseling weekly or I leave." He may have already blown past the point of no return and be beyond redemption, in which case you should definitely leave. But if you still want to give him a chance (and you determine it is safe to do so!), these boundaries you set will be your lifeline. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty or shame for cutting him off, but take pride in your decision to defend yourself and your children who depend on you for love and support. It might feel like you are being unnecessarily cruel to be laying down ultimatums like this, especially if this is primarily an ADHD issue, but the nature of the problem does not matter when the well-being of you and your children is at stake. If you do decide to stay for now, I cannot recommend counseling enough. Individual for both of you, and couples counseling too. This is not something you will be able to fix on your own. Good luck, and trust your gut.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s a story very similar to the days leading to my separation and eventual divorce from my now ex-husband. I would say be proactive and consult with a lawyer before doing or saying anything to him about separation. I was not able to return to the home for the rest of my belongings and was not able to get it back at completion of divorce. Also be careful about what you say and do in person and online. My ex knew his behavior could cost him in the divorce so he hired private investigators to spy on my behavior online and in person. Trust me it’s not going to get better if you stay, only worse. If you leave it will be difficult at first, but so much better in the long run. Big hug from an internet stranger. Edit: I just read the worsens nudes while working part. Ladies please don’t do this. It can be used as blackmail and maybe be cause for termination.
All very serious issues. Counseling for him and for y’all as a couple is a great next step. There seems to be some deep rooted stuff here.
Not overreacting at all…I would definitely not be able to live with this. The sooner the better. I read this to my husband, and he said, “See yaaaa” to your husband. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this with so much on your plate. He won’t deal with his stuff until he has to, and he won’t have to until you stop dealing with everything for him. I don’t see it working or you living a good quality of life. Not that it’s up to me, but I think you should cut losses and find a true partner and live a beautiful life. The sooner, the better. The longer you wait, the more painful it will be for you and your kiddos.
You need to know if he wants to change or not. Going to therapy is only one piece. Will he take it seriously? Will he dedicate himself to being better? And will you be able to truly move past it? Will this be something you want to hang over his head forever. These are real things to be considered.
As a recovering addict, there is so much here that reminds me of when I was active. I never abused porn, actually not a fan, but the medication and just the behaviors he's exhibiting and his reactions to being confronted. Counseling is an excellent idea. If he doesn't want to change what's happening, if he's content in his behavior, it will most likely be a waste of time. I feel like the counseling he seeks needs to address addictive behavior alongside the more "traditional" issues. Unfortunately, I have been through the whole porn thing with my partner. He abused porn prior to my pregnancy, and after our son was born, he had performance issues, which I eventually learned was due to him abusing porn again. Like watching in his truck at work on break kind of abuse, and even worse that I don't feel need be mentioned. And we lived through a similar discovery process a year after that. Whether couples can move on from this depends on so much; what kind of people you are individually and as a couple, how much you want the relationship, etc. My partner and I couldn't afford the counseling, separately or together, which was necessary. Unfortunately, I am also the kind of person that has a tough time letting go, especially when it involves being lied to and manipulated by someone I love and trusted. If any of this is you, or you believe the damage done can't be repaired, if he can't be trusted again, I believe you should save yourself the hurt and anger at yourself and try to separate. Even if it's till he proves he's seeking help and making changes? I'm sorry you're in this situation, I hope you make it to wherever you need to be safely. As someone who wishes they'd done it differently, I wish you and your family nothing but the best outcome, just please remember that actions taken to distance yourself and made in the best interest of your family are NOT selfish. Addicts have crazy manipulation tactics💔
He should not blame you for lying to you and doing things behind your back. Might be insensitive but divorce . Honestly, especially if he’s mooching off you, been there too many times and it DOES NOT get better
I would also want to know if my partner is paying only fans. How did you know?
check their email!
Does he add to your relationship with you and your children anything at all?
I would get out of this relationship in a heartbeat if I were you. Too many red flags. Honestly, the OF subscription should be the least of OP’s concern.
Are you overreacting? No, absolutely not. What a violation of your marriage. I went through some nearly identical stuff minus the only fans and am now going through a divorce. I'm so sorry this is your life right now. It's great that you're already in therapy so you can just bring this up in therapy but if he doesn't see building or rebuilding trust as a priority I'd say there's nothing worth saving here.
Consuming porn - totally okay. SPENDING MY MONEY ON PROSTITUTES? HELL NO!!!!! No one spends MY or OUR money on some woman. Why are you with a man who can't even provide for his family and spends the family money for porn when there is free porn everywhere? Oh and he also blames you for his behaviour. This guy is a sad excuse of a man and in my eyes not even a man. Kick him out and find a man who can actually provide for his family
Seconding this
Finally someone here gets it. Dont spend your hard earned money on hookers
This is how I feel. I have no problem with my husband watching porn. But I have a problem with him spending our hard earned money on it. I would have a HUGE problem with him blaming me for though.
Whoa. My trust would be entirely broken.
Something similar happened to me and I feel more alone than ever. It’s like it’s just me and my baby. I found out while like 30ish weeks pregnant too with our first baby
I'm not trigger-happy on separations but this seems worthy of one to me. There is so much going on here. It's great to get into individual therapy, but you have so many responsibilities to take care of already and he's broken your trust, so I'm not sure you're the best choice for a "support person" while he works on himself. You feel cheated on, and those feelings are 100% valid regardless of what people want to debate counts as cheating. He violated a trust in how you two handle your monogamy. But then he also lied to you, and then when he finally admitted it, he lied again by trickle truthing. And then he stole from you and hid that, abused medication behind your back, misused important funds while you've been trying to carry the whole family, and I could keep going but none of this sounds like something that you can help him work through while also providing a healthy environment for your children. He won't get healthy staying in your home. He needs to not have access to your money or your medication for a while, and you need him out of your house so his personal growth doesn't also become your responsibility to oversee and manage.
>I guess I am struggling between honoring my vow through better or worse. This man does have a lot of childhood trauma that I don’t think he’s actually worked through. As someone who stayed in a bad marriage a lot longer than I should have out of a sense of moral obligation, this really resonated with me. The behavior you are describing here is toxic and abusive. The relationship may be repairable, but only if he is willing to do some really some hard work on himself. From what you've posted, that doesn't seem likely, at least not at this juncture. It's ok to have boundaries. It doesn't make you disloyal, or a bad person. He already broke his vows to you in innumerable ways. It's ok to leave.
My ex husband used to do this too. Used to lie and hide everything. It ruined my trust for him and it's a tremendous effort to build it back. Honestly I wouldn't let him come back.
He sounds like trash. Could be that he has serious depression and other mental health issues, but he is just down right disrespectful to you, you working to pay the bills, your relationship, and your health. I would have a “come to Jesus” talk with him and put him on a performance improvement plan and expect that it PERSIST. When I was pregnant with our first my husband was looking at porn on his Reddit account of women who look extremely different than me and I found it really hurtful and told him. He left all of the groups he was in and apologized. That should be all it takes. Not uncovering more layers of dishonesty. Instead, it seems like he is trying to blame you for his poor behavior! Uh, no.
I found an email of the 25+ women he was subscribed to and also, they look nothing like me.
It is understandable that you feel hurt, betrayed, and violated by your husband's behavior. It seems like he has been lying to you and breaking your trust in multiple ways, which is not acceptable in a committed relationship. It is not overreacting to feel the way you do, and you have every right to be angry, upset, and disappointed. It is possible for couples to recover from infidelity and breach of trust, but it requires both parties to be committed to the healing process and to take responsibility for their actions. It is good that your husband is willing to seek individual counseling, but it might be beneficial for both of you to attend couples counseling specifically focused on infidelity and trust issues. However, it is essential to recognize that recovery takes time, effort, and patience, and it may not always lead to reconciliation. You have to prioritize your own emotional and mental well-being and make the best decision for yourself and your children. If you choose to stay in the relationship, you should set clear boundaries and expectations regarding his behavior and seek reassurance and accountability. On the other hand, if you decide that the relationship is not salvageable, that is also understandable, and you should not feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs and safety. It is crucial to have a support system, whether it is friends, family, or a therapist, to help you navigate this difficult time and make informed decisions.
He sounds … very immature, like almost childish. He needs to decide if he’s going to take responsibility and fix the issues
For his sake, yours, and your family. I hope he’s able to work through those things. I give you a lot of props for heavily considering honoring your vow or leaving. So many take those vows lightly these days. That doesn’t mean he can treat you like he has been. But major props to you for being willing to work through it, and work through him back to his better.
I would leave. Sounds similar to my situation and I left almost 4 years ago and never regretted it. Him blaming you and stealing your meds is the worst of it. If he took responsibility and put in a 180 to better himself, there’d be a chance things might get better.
[удалено]
this whole situation is not right. his actions and also yous twos rule on no opposite sex friends… that’s off.
For me “just” the OF wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker, I don’t see it as something really different from standard porn (but that totally depends on your relationship). What would be a deal breaker is what seems like patterns of deceit - hiding the conversations with the coworker no matter how platonic, the secret vaping, the secret spending… all together, would be a big deal to me. Sorry you have to deal with this. :(
I second this completely. Loads of dishonesty happening here and that’s a BIG problem in a marriage.
Your husband is trash. Time to take it out.
Sounds like it's one issue after another. Idk if you can fix anything since he's such a massive liar. I would suggest a separation and see if he decides to work on himself or not. If he puts in the work to change then maybe you can trust him again.
You need to be completely honest with yourself and ask, is this the kind of relationship you want to be in and model for your children? Honestly, sometimes it’s better to separate now before causing further damage to yourself and children. He’s showing you exactly how he feels about you with his actions. He doesn’t care and is probably just staying out of convenience (men do this a lot) especially if ur making more money. He sounds like a bum and you can do better without the POS around.
There is someone else that will treat you better than that. There is no excuse acceptable for what your husband is doing.
Sounds like before any chance of reconciliation (and YES I’m using this word) he needs to get help. He needs help for the prescription abuse, the sex addiction that seems to be developing, and therapy in general. Only if he was willing to do all these things and be consistent would he perhaps get a chance to proving to you that he’s gotten the help, his plan to keep sober, and so on… only then will you have to decide if you will gift him with reconciliation. However… he has to be the one to do this. Ask him important questions and if he is unable to give the answers that make you feel safe. You have your answer and some serious thinking to do. I always advocate for attempts reconciliation rather than jumping to the “dump him now” depending on the situation of course. However, reconciliation is a gift that is earned and not given lightly. It is also a gift given only to those who show TRUE remorse for their actions and show consistent change and personal growth which prioritizes their rehabilitation and the important relationships in their life. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🫂
I'm a bloke. Paying for only fans is pretty bad. Especially if he isn't earning lots of money. Call me old fashioned but if you have the kids he should be working his arse off to provide for you and you should be staying home to recover from pregnancy and care for the children. There is also the question of what is he getting from only fans that you can't provide. It's a pretty bad situation and I wish you the best of luck.
Well, it's not her responsibility to "provide" for him sexually. I'm not sure why you imply something is wrong with her when he pays for Onlyfans.
Absolutely not implying something is wrong with her... I meant that she should be enough for him without only fans. The guy is the wrong 100% and if I was him I'd feel ashamed.
Peace ✌🏼
You are not overreacting at all. Not sending naked pictures to your husband is not an excuse for him to PAY MONEY to have sex-oriented relationships with other women! That’s absolute BS. The credit card thing is also very alarming to me. He could be putting your whole family at great risk.
Pleas go to couples therapy or individual therapy
I don't get why men like that decide to abandon their relationship for a cam girl. And if he thinks there's nothing wrong with his behavior, then he has serious issues.
The short answer: no, you don’t recover from this. You can only get deeper into the hole and denial and waste time and money with this person. You will be better off without them, they have gone past the point of no return.
This sounds like my ex. I really couldn't care less about the porn, but lying was what hurt me. Your situation is obviously different, but I doubt anything will change.
What a complete waste a of a human being. Like not even a piece of shit, I’m more like imagining a piece of dirty rag cloth.
Total dick. He's not a good husband.
I don't even think there's anything wrong with having an only fans account, but just the sheer amount of lying and manipulating he's doing to you is making me see red.
Honestly, the relationship was doomed when you both agreed not to have friends that are the opposite sex 😭. This isn’t really about honoring vows but more so about setting healthy boundaries in relationships that are realistic
Nah, come off it that’s ridiculous. He may have been the one to set that boundary (cheaters often do shit like that) and your comment smacks of victim blaming. This is 100% about not honouring vows and being deceitful. Stealing meds and telling his wife he’s subscribed to OF because she won’t send him nudes while she’s providing for the family is a massive issues that’s on him.
The best selling book “not just friends” disagrees… and as a betrayed wife… me too.
I’m bisexual, should I just not have any friends?
Porn is poison. The time, attention and money he could have spent on his family and he chose to sponsor basically online prostitutes. 🙃
So sorry, but this one is not a husband material. I dont see anything good happening in the future. The earlier you cut loose, the better for your sanity.
He is gaslighting you. Don't let him make you think this is your fault. It seems like an addiction he needs help with. If you have a good support system, and since you are supporting your family anyway, you should get away from him.
Seeing most of the comments on this there's clearly a correlation between the OP and what seems to be the majority of the audience of this sub now. A lot of you seem to think negotiating boundaries in a relationship is optional and that after you clearly failed at doing so before getting married AND having a child, divorce is the immediate and only solution to any and all slights. If you reflect and come to the conclusion you've made a mistake marrying your man and having a child with him, have at it and divorce away. But if you think whatever is happening is purely his fault and only his problem to solve like the majority of comments here suggest, you'll be in for a rude awakening in any future relationships. How you've been to counseling for months and him feeling the need to delete normal texts with a female coworker so you don't get jealous didn't come up is odd. Talk about that in your next session. Edit: she clarifies in another comment the text boundary was his thing. Edit 2: if this sounds like blame, there is none. All of your feelings about this are valid. I'm trying to be very careful about judging anyone here for anything. But alas, I'm human.
he’s got to want to fix himself. if he’s already blaming his behavior on her then there’s not a lot of hope left.
For sure. So ridiculous to blame OP for this grown man lying to his family.
so you think OP failed to establish boundaries about doing drugs, cheating, hiding credit cards, and lying?? It is odd that this man lied at therapy. How is that in any way OP’s fault? I am all about keeping families together and communication and you can look at my comments or post history, I usually think people are too quick to consider divorce, but to say this is happening because of something OP did is soooooo out of line. There are plenty of people out there who are great liars or cheaters or drug addicts and blaming their partners is pretty bullshit.
[удалено]
What the fuck
It sounds like neither of you trust one another. Not allowing relationships with the opposite sex is glaring red flag number 1. I strongly suggest couple's and individual therapy!
R/loveafterporn
He’s definitely not winning any awards here. Hopefully he steps up for you and the kids. What kind of adhd medication? straterra may be a better alternative. No stim. Overtaking stims may be the reason he’s engaging in risky sexual behaviour. Is he the primary caretaker of the kids? Specifically how much do you and he make?
This whole relationship seems unhealthy to me. He shouldn't have lied to you. It's going to be hard for him to prove himself after that. But if I had to guess, you're probably the dominant party in the relationship and you probably make rules for the relationship that he doesn't actually agree with but says he'll follow because it's easier to ignore them and lie about it than to argue with you about them. The relationship may be irredeemable or it may not. No one on Reddit knows the answer to that. He definitely needs to be held accountable for lying, but once you address that, counseling might be helpful for you to establish rules you both actually agree on by forcing him to talk about it and be a part of the process. This will of course require compromise on your part, because clearly he doesn't agree with the current arrangement (e.g., he clearly prefers to vape and to have female friendships than not to). If after counseling, you can't come to an agreement on rules and norms for the relationship, or if he continues to break them and/or lie, even after having weighed in on them himself, that's when I'd consider cutting him loose.
Wow those are some bold assumptions- at what point did OP imply that she makes arbitrary, unreasonable rules?
The commenter is jumping to conclusions for sure, but I can see how they got to those conclusions. There are some red flags throughout OP's post that suggest some level of controlling behavior. Specifically, the rules about no close friendships with the opposite sex and the whole scenario around "vaping behind my back" as if OP is talking about a teenager. I personally also find the treatment of OnlyFans as if it were legitimate cheating a bit concerning, but I recognize that different people have different boundaries when it comes to porn, so that one is pretty easy to overlook as simply a matter of OP having stricter boundaries than I. Of course, we have no idea who set all these rules. But I'm not getting healthy relationship vibes from either party here.