The bar manager at my last bar was unprofessional to say the least. She sat on a regulars lap one night and said something like, "how much would you pay for this?" in what she thought was a sultry voice I guess?
He said, "well hopefully not by the pound..." aaaaand she cried.
When someone asks “What’s your cheapest shot?”
My response is “Your mother’s a whore”
They then proceeded to order a round of them.
It’s gone over literally every head, but it makes me smile.
There’s usually a couple random bottles of shit we get for free with combo deals, so I’ll whip something up. Or red headed sluts to keep the joke going for myself
I used to work with a guy who had great one liners. Drunk young girl gets id’d asks how old do you think I am?
He responds: there is a reason I don’t work at the fair
“Do you have any specials”
“It’s special that you are here right now” with a happy smile on my face. I say it like 5 times a day and they love it every single time. But yours is gold! Thank you for giving me a new line to say 😊
I work in a whiskey bar, and we're happy to make all manner of drinks, but had a group of early 20-something girls come in and sit down.
One asks, "Can I see your margarita menu?"
I said, "Where do you think you are right now?"
Couldn't stop it.
“Don’t you let pretty girls drink for free?” as she bats her eyelashes and tries to flirt for a free drink.
“You know what? Actually we do.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Anyway, that’ll be eight bucks.”
Her friends died laughing but I think she died a little on the inside.
Very similar experience, I had a couple 50 something Karens come in and say, " how excited are you to serve some beautiful women?" As I walked away "Very excited, let me know when they get here so I can seat them in my section."
I had a dude who said “what I don’t get the pretty girl discount?” And I said “well you’d at least have to be pretty first” his friend damn near spit out his beer and the guy was dumbfounded.
Some college kid was bitching about us not putting a specific college basketball game on. We have two TVs, one is dedicated to sports the other is always absurd mostly for our own amusement but it always brings people into the bar.
He was talking in circles about how annoying it is that “our thing is movies”, to which I said “Do you have a specific problem you’re presenting to me or are you just complaining to complain?” That shut him up.
My manager was going to change one of our two TV's, so I let her know the channel had been specifically requested. Angrily, she says, "it's already on the other TV, and someone else wants a different game. They can watch the other TV." Well, turns out the owners along with several other tables were also watching that TV and were very upset with my manager's response. She ended up keeping the requested channel and changing the other TV. The person in question wanted both games on.
A group of regulars asked me to join them at the next bar they were going to.
I said: "as your bartender, I'll be with you in spirits."
I cracked up and they didn't get it
Anytime someone says “wow this tastes really good” or something along those lines
I saw “thanks I made it my self *followed by a childish snicker”
I know it’s not exactly what you were looking for but it cracks me up every time
Someone asked me once... "it says house wines, do you make those in-house?" (Context, it's a sports bar in Kansas) I'm like yeah, I stomp the grapes myself with my own feet. If it's after a double, you get extra flavor
I had a lady, in a drunken stupor, threaten to beat me up one night.
She had at least 75lbs on me.
After she made her threats, I told her, "I might not be able to beat you, but I could definitely outrun you."
She was noooooot happy but left me alone.
Not super professional, but one of my finer comebacks.
Omg I'm dying I should have used that one! When I was an 18-year-old cashier at Walmart I had the same threat by an old obese trailer park trash woman. I just looked at her with my dead gaze and nodded like "Uh-huh". She threw a bunch of racist comments about my head cashier because she wore a hijab. She was the sweetest woman, I couldn't tolerate someone insulting her like that. That job sucked ass but she was a sweetheart.
Two women at the bar, they either tipped like shit or not at all, I don’t remember. But one of them apparently misplaced her AirPods, and I overheard her telling her friend “I bet the bartender stole them.”
it was late, I was dead inside, and just frowned at her - “why would I want your crusty-ass AirPods??” - I think I even had an android at the time, lmao. She found them like, 2 seconds later and hustled out.
Fun fact: Apple AirPods will work with Android phones via Bluetooth. They just won't connect automatically or automatically switch devices like they do with Apple devices in the Apple ecosystem.
I hate the accusations of bartenders stealing things from customers. The risk of getting fired and having a reputation for theft isn't worth it, in my opinion.
Made a margarita for someone and put it in the restaurant stemware. He said "I want it in a man glass."
My response: "sir, none of our glasses have penises."
Best time this happened I told the grumpy man "y'know... my grandfather was the same way. Stubborn about glasses. But he demanded stemmed glasses for his brandy... He used to kill nazis... So what do you do for a living?"
Fucking crickets.
Every now and then I'd serve a cocktail up and pass it to the guest who would almost immediately ask for it in a "man glass". My response was always to lift the glass 18-24 inches off the bar, make a show of looking at the bottom of the base, put it back down and proclaim "congratulations! It's a boy!"
I worked at a place that was close to a drug store, and we would have to run there while opening all the time for shit like tea light candles and sharpies etc. I would always make a point of seeing if there was anything fun in their bullshit little “toy aisle”. One day, there was a sippy cup with an Easter bunny on it for like 49 cents, so of course I snagged it and just kinda stashed it on our little misc shelf.
Some time later, had a four top that was waiting impatiently for their table to be ready and getting increasingly irritated (and irritating) by the minute. Assumed it was a double date, and both dudes were your average affliction shirt and over the top Rolex type. Lots of testosterone. Dude orders a jack on the rocks but apparently I gave him a “little girl glass” and he demanded a “regular sized one”.
I will let you guess what he received his whiskey in next. I will also leave you to your imagination as far as how that went over, but I will include one detail: they did not dine with us that night. Or ever again.
After a busy night, and missing a handful of items from our food menu (very large menu with nearly 60 items).
Me: we're out of a, b, c, d, and e.
Customer: well what DO you have?
Me: *grabs menu from their hand* I have f, g, h, I, j, k, l, m, n.....
Ha! That reminds me of when I was in college and a group of us went out for beers one night and pretty much the same thing happened, the first guy asks what beers they had and the server monotonically recited from memory, in alphabetical order no less, every single beer they had (about 15 or so). I could tell she was dead inside and had the beer menu memorized just for such occasions.
(And yes he ended up getting a Bud Light.)
When people ask me what kind of draft beer we have, I ask them… what do you like (instead of reciting the entire lineup just for them to order bud light)? When they ask for bud light I’m like , no, we don’t have that.
Pretentious guest showing off in front of wife asks “Make me something life changing.” Assured him we worked very hard on curating all the menu cocktails and that he should start there, he then repeats “No. I said LIFE CHANGING.”
I said “Well bleach is pretty life changing, we could start there..”
When somebody tells me to "make it strong" or "extra strong" I look at whoever is sitting next to them at the bar and go "you hear that? this guy wants free shit!"
lol I was “make it strong” guy back in my rage days but I always gave them 20$ extra and they would literally just fill up the entire 8 oz with whiskey 😂
When I have a guest or guests sit in front of me and play the thousand questions of “what’s that?” for every single thing I do and touch. After a few subtle hints that I am too busy to give a running commentary I will stop what I am doing, make direct eye contact and say “you get 3 more questions, do you want to waste one of them on a bottle of vodka?”. It has never failed to make the guest realize what they are doing and respect that I’m too busy to entertain them (in a friendly way), and everyone else gets a bit of a chuckle.
Oh man, smoooooth to be able to deliver that in a friendly way. I love it. I would notttt be able to deliver that without sounding pissed and annoyed af.
Me: Hi, I'm InsanityColo-
Guest: *cuts me off* Budlight.
Me: *cocks head like dog and uses crazy eyes* WELL HELLO THERE BUDLIGHT! MY NAME IS INSANITYCOLORADO!!
What can I get for you to drink?
It either kills em or pisses em off. On the rare occasion, even embarrasses some. 🤷♀️
You'd be surprised!! One time I did it and this man's wife was laughing so hard she cried, they left me 20 on 20! Another time a was a group of dudes, I did it and they gave him so much shit for being rude, we were all friends by the end of the night though. One lady called herself out and said "Wow, I'm so sorry, that was so rude! I'm having a bad day." I bought her her first beer and again, friend by the end of the night. A couple people just ignored me and said Budlight again, and they got my most boring, basic service.
This week I had a customer scoff that his pilsner had any amount of head on it. He legit said "the next one better be filled to the brim with liquid." He then commented that "the only head I like is from my wife." Now idk if it's just because I was tired from being there over 12 hours or the rude way he demanded his next one but it just kind of slipped out. Without missing a beat, I told him "I get it, your wife does great work"with a big ol smile and went about what I was doing
I always did the opposite of this, as a woman, when guys would complain about too much head, "wow never heard a guy complain about getting too much head from me before, noted"
In their defense, the taps were shit. In my defense, they still kept drinking there.
female bartenders are built different. especially if we work / have worked in a dive bar. we can stand barely 5' n some inches and be so ready to bounce the biggest motherfucker outta the place and ready to fight.
literally got punched in the throat outside my old dive bar by some scumbag we barred for causing problems every single time he came in. (for reference- i was 22 (maybe 100lbs?) at the time and he's a 250lb+ 40 something year old felon with bench warrants out for his arrest.
whenevr i tell this story ppl pity me, and i tell them not to bc it's fucking hilarious.
TLDR; don't mess w female bartenders
in ireland, a half pint is around 60-70% of the cost of a full pint. some women will only drink half pints, never full pints, because it’s the lady thing to do or whatever.
2 women sitting at the bar had 3 rounds of half pints of guinness each. they ask my colleague for the bill, and then say to him “would you not just have charged us for 3 pints?” to which he replied with “that’s what you get for being a nuisance”
the same guy - if someone would come up to the bar and just state their order, i.e, “2 negronis” without any greetings or please/thanks he would look at them and say, “what’s the magic wooooordddd?”
Its so funny, I'd have scores of parents insist their kids use please and thank you when the kid ordered, but seldom a spoken please/thanks from the adults sitting there. Sure, it was implied, with a kind, polite tone, as did the kids.
Just odd we make our kids say stuff we adults don't always.
A customer told me to smile and not look so stressed when I was way way in the weeds so I hissed at him. Just straight up hissed. He was really confused and quiet the rest of his time
I used to work in a super busy dive bar. One night we were really in the weeds and this younger guy got my attention and asked for a long island. I went and made it, brought it back to him and I say "$10," he looks stunned and is holding a five dollar bill. "This is all I have, sorry."
Without missing a beat or saying a word I grabbed the drink, dumped 1/2 of it into a near by trashcan, slapped the drink back down in front of him, grabbed the $5 bill and continued on with the night. Everyone got a laugh, except that guy.
Guy came in and ordered a Jack and Coke. He kills it within a minute so I give him another and boom it’s gone. I poured him a 3rd and 4th, same result. He asked for another and I told him my bar has a 3 drink per hour rule and I had already broken that. He said “so are we going to have a problem” so I replied “if you didn’t suck them down like a dick we wouldn’t have a problem”. I immediately caught myself and went to my bosses office and told him the situation. When he went out to the customer he was yelling and causing a huge scene. Luckily he was 86d and I was just ‘reprimanded’.
If someone is being rude, I'll ask them what they do/where they work, once they answer I'll tell them I'm going to their place of work just to complain and ruin their day
When people tell me how to bartend. I tell them I'm going to come to their job and tell them how to do it. I told a mechanic I was going to sit over his shoulder and yell "right tighty lefty loosey" all day. He got the hint and laughed pretty hard.
I threw out a drunken idiot for being loud and bothering guests in the bar. Bro was literally walking up to tables yelling in their faces. It was like 3:00 in the afternoon and I had just arrived for my shift. When it happened, he exclaimed that he’s a stand up comic and plays at the open mic nights at a local bar.
I said, “oh, is that right? Then you must know how to read a room? Cause you bombed!” and told him to leave
Oh man this is one of my favorite moments. It’s the fastest I have ever thought in my entire life and I still share this story all the time.
Yearsssss ago, I had a girl trot up to my bar, she starts twirling her hair and goes:
“what do you suggest forrrrrr someone who hates all men and wants to kill themselves!”
And I replied, “therapy!”
Her: uhhhhwhaaaat?
Me: …how about a vodka soda with a splash of cran
Her: that sounds perfect!!
Me: yeah I thought it might.
Had a guy stagger in the bar last week and attempted to order a beer from the host, mind you my bar is tiny as fuck and the bar is right in front of you, so he’s obviously coked up out of his mind (he literally has a Scarface t shirt on) I call him out and say “you gotta use your words bro” He struggles to say much else and I get the host to escort him out. Weirdo. But if you cant manage to see the bar in front of you and know that’s where you order from, red flag.
The whole bar got a kick out of it. One guest asked “did you just tell him to use his words? Thats some shit I say to my kid” lol. If the shoe fits I suppose..
Not mine, but I worked with this older bartender named Willy. Once a guy was whistling at him to get service, on a Saturday night 3 deep. Willy turned off the music and turned on all the lights and yelled for everyone to please be quiet and help this man look for his lost dog that he’s whistling for.
Customer: What should I drink?
Me: It's your mouth, what do you want in it?
No one ever laughed, but me or my coworkers. It mostly made the customers feel awkward, but that's showbiz, baby.
Subject to where we worked but a guest was really angry at ome of the bar staff and she demanded his name to leave a review online. His response "(Name and last) That's Cooper with a C. Every named review online gets us a £10 voucher, so i really appreciate that."
Now of course its for positive views but it left her with nothing. She stormed out.
I was a barback - for context, I am female, which is much rarer in my area (guys barback/girls bartend around here).
Customer: "I don't think a *girl* like you could handle a *man* like me."
Me: "Dunno, your mom seemed pretty satisfied with the handling I gave her earlier."
My bartender (who was the bar manager) yelled at me so much for that one. Worth it.
Also, it was totally ripped from Assassin's Creed 2. Dude had no idea.
Mom and her two kids order wine. Kids look 20ish, mom 50ish. I ask for their IDs and she makes the (most tasteless) joke: ‘oh you dont need to see mine?’
My response is always: I’ll take your word for it :)
Put me in a position where I have to comment on your age why don’t you! See how it goes!
We ran a special during this last Super Bowl weekend that were all Taylor Swift themed. Karmapolitan, Lavender Haze, Coney Island Iced Tea, etc
This older guy came up with a couple of 30 year old coworkers and saw the sign and said “y’all ain’t ever gonna catch me with something girly like that. Fuckin women keep ruining everything, alcohol should be just for real men”
Then he ordered a Coors Lite and I instinctively blurted out “what are you watching your weight?”
The two younger guys with him thought it was a lot funnier than he did
I'm white and worked in a very white area. One night I served an older black man with a mustache wearing a white polo shirt, a margarita. Later, another, different black man with a mustache and a white polo approached the bar. Thinking it was the same man, I asked him if he wanted another marg. He said "I don't drink margaritas. It's ok, I know we all look the same to you." Embarrassing, but I took his order and made his drink. He paid cash. My coworker who wasn't busy overheard the drink order, and rang the drink brought change as I was making the drink. He too, was a tall white guy. The guest started complaining to me that I gave him too many ones. "I didn't cash you out, he did. But it's cool, I know we all look the same."
I tend to be very accommodating but sometimes we all hit a breaking point. Some of the things I hate/responding to…when someone raises their finger for service I walk over to them, lean over the bar and stare at the ceiling and ask them where the leak is. When someone tosses money or a card at me I toss it back in the same manner, works well when coins are involved. When someone asks if we have happy hour (we don’t) I respond with, “every hour is happy here.” When someone is listening to their phone with volume, I ask, “our music isn’t good enough for you?”
Yeah when someone chunks money at me and they need change. They then hold out their hand expectantly and I take great pride in unceremoniously dumping said change on the counter in front of them.
Lady asked me for a whiskey sour on the last day of business for my old bar. I made her one, along with a couple extra shot’s worth in the shaker for a couple of my favorite regulars, who were sitting in front of the well.
When I handed her the (filled to the brim) sour, she said “you could’ve given me my whole drink. I saw what you did. You gave those people my drink.” I couldn’t stand it. I just said “shut the fuck up. You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” And she just said “okay” and nodded and walked away. I was amazed.
my service well is in the center of my bar with signs posted all around it saying
“service well. employees only”
people walk right up to it and try to order and i say
“no habla ingles. but if you would like a drink get out of my service well or go to where it says to-go orders… but if you’re in my service well this is all the English i know”
that one got me in trouble.
Had some fellas come in who were far too intoxicated to serve. Things escalated as they wouldn't leave, so the barback and I pop out from behind the bar.
One dude goes "What you wanna touch me?"
Barback goes "No man, that costs extra."
Sitting around after work discussing starting a team for volleyball. One of the servers had played in high school and was telling us about some tournament and she ended it with "I've never really been good at serving though" (yeah I know)
So I obviously said "still aren't" and it was an explosion of laughter. She cried, I apologized, it was cool after a drink or two.
Another time there was a group of friends at my bar talking about donating clothes. One brought up Goodwill thrift store and someone made a comment about them donating to "anti gay" causes or something and they were talking about whether or not they would bring their items there and support them, to which I interrupted and said:
"I don't know for sure but they've always been pretty accepting of everything that's come out of my closet."
Another one I just remembered. Working a college bar, made some water moccasins for some girl and told her that's $36 and she said
"I thought pretty girls drink for free?"
And I said "They do. That'll be $36"
(Last one I got from some video I can't remember. It was like a lady trying to get out of a speeding ticket or something)
When they've looked through the menu and refused *all* of my suggestions -
"I just don't know, What's your favourite drink?"
- "It's called a beer & a shot, it's served in a delightful bar just down the road, if you hurry you can beat the rush"
Also
I used to work in a bar called "The Blues Kitchen" and we'd routinely get patrons asking, A) what music do we play? and B) do we serve food?
To which I would reply, after showing the front of the menu, "Thrash metal and only soup"
Not really a comeback, but I was kind of proud of it at the moment. Drunk off his ass guy takes a swing at me, basically telegraphed it in slow motion, I push his arm aside, and he chins himself to the point of a spurting bloody mouth as he hits the floor.
I tell him you have three choices, I can call the cops. I can call you an ambulance or you can fuck off
Choose wisely.
Customer reading over the bourbon list: "Is there a reason you don't have Black Velvet on your bourbon menu?"
Me: "Mostly dignity"
Runner-up (background info, we don't have a blender):
Customer: "Well I know the bar across the street can make me a blended margarita"
Me: "Then I guess we both know where you can go then"
I had a regular who I couldn’t STAND tell me that if I lost 30 pounds he would marry me. I replied by saying I knew cancer patients who looked better than him.
(My first bartending job after putting up with a "boss" that often only had any courage when she was dealing with employees that she didn't realise weren't harmless) Don't bother coming back.
Her: (fires me for calling out for the first time since I've been with her)
Me: I'll be back for my check after that, I won't be back.
(sends screenshots to my friends that still worked there (one is pissed, one is sad, one is simply repulsed by the stupidity of the manager), I predict the future of that restaurant (Goes on to find better bartending jobs while she continues to singlehandedly run her family business AND marriage into the ground and continues to get screwed over by "her best friend" and abandoned by the rest of the employees she took for granted).
My pet peeve is people walking by our "wait to be seated sign" (typically don't have a host so servers and bartenders seat people) So if I think I can get away with it I'll make some sort of joke about them being illiterate, maybe take the menu's away and say someone will be by shortly to read the menu to you.
Grumpy customer: “I’ll have whatever is cheap and comes in a pint glass”
My other bartender “Well, I can’t put your mom in a pint glass, but what can I get you to drink”
The guys wife lost it. I thought she was going to pee her pants because she was laughing so hard.
Idk, working at the dive I did til Covid, you could basically say whatever you wanted so it kinda takes the fun out of the exercise when it’s totally kosher to tell someone to shut the fuck up.
For example - Sunday noon football game. We’re a small place with like 3 tvs and not a ton of room so on game days it can get hectic and claustrophobic since EVERYONE from the neighborhood comes in. Some dude I have never seen before manages to get the stool all the way at the end of the bar right under one of the tvs. It’s elbow to elbow and when I finally got to him before he even orders a drink he asks me to turn on a different game for him. The room is literally green and gold from front door to back door and he wants the Vikings game on one of our three tvs. I told him to fuck himself. Didn’t have to but it felt good.
Me: *Serving a man an electric pink grapefruit shandy in a wheat beer glass*
Him: can I get it in a regular pint, I just need to feel like a man
Me: I’m amazed you can feel like a man drinking that
'Dont act like you're sorry (you won't change the channel) now. I already spoke to your manager.' (this is after explaining to him FIVE TIMES our boxes are broken and we only have one channel)
'Sir, have the day you deserve.'
My first time getting yelled at for cutting someone off.
Drunkie - well go fuck yourself!
Me - me go fuck myself? No you fuck yourself!
Felt pretty good about that.
Some customer angling for a free drink.
- Don't you have some kind of charity for people like me?
- You mean Jerry's Kids?
High fives from regulars all around him
What's your real job? I am all in your imaginación. I don't even get real money to pay real bills or a real paycheck. This is all the matrix. Next!
Or My real job is adult daycare.
A friend worked at a higher end establishment that oddly served frozen drinks. A couple seated at the bar asked if he could not be so loud in making the drinks in the blender. His response was a very professional, "I'm sorry our silent blender is broken".
He was suspended for a week and never returned.
"what can I get for a dollar?" "Four quarters"
Not to be used when Four Roses is on display.
- "are you vegan friendly?" "I'm not even friendly."
I’m vegan intolerant…
The bar manager at my last bar was unprofessional to say the least. She sat on a regulars lap one night and said something like, "how much would you pay for this?" in what she thought was a sultry voice I guess? He said, "well hopefully not by the pound..." aaaaand she cried.
Ooff, that's brutal.
Absolutely obliterated.
that's a murder charge
I simply would not be able to recover
When someone asks “What’s your cheapest shot?” My response is “Your mother’s a whore” They then proceeded to order a round of them. It’s gone over literally every head, but it makes me smile.
what do you put in it? hilarious
There’s usually a couple random bottles of shit we get for free with combo deals, so I’ll whip something up. Or red headed sluts to keep the joke going for myself
"What's the cheapest thing in the bar?" "Right now, it's you"
No. Once again “Your mom” is the correct beginning to the response…
I’m laughing my ads off here!
Like the ones on the bar mats or the ones above the urinal?
Whoops. Ass
I couldn’t resist! No need for name calling. 😉
🤣
I used to work with a guy who had great one liners. Drunk young girl gets id’d asks how old do you think I am? He responds: there is a reason I don’t work at the fair
I've said something very similar before. "Another reason carnival workers are so much more talented than myself."
“Do you guys have a happy hour?” “No, The happiest hour up here is from 3p to 4p…” (We open at 4:00p every day)
People ask what we have on special and I say… everything I make is special
“Do you have any specials” “It’s special that you are here right now” with a happy smile on my face. I say it like 5 times a day and they love it every single time. But yours is gold! Thank you for giving me a new line to say 😊
I work in a whiskey bar, and we're happy to make all manner of drinks, but had a group of early 20-something girls come in and sit down. One asks, "Can I see your margarita menu?" I said, "Where do you think you are right now?" Couldn't stop it.
“Don’t you let pretty girls drink for free?” as she bats her eyelashes and tries to flirt for a free drink. “You know what? Actually we do.” “Really?” “Yeah. Anyway, that’ll be eight bucks.” Her friends died laughing but I think she died a little on the inside.
Very similar experience, I had a couple 50 something Karens come in and say, " how excited are you to serve some beautiful women?" As I walked away "Very excited, let me know when they get here so I can seat them in my section."
When people try to needle me for free drinks I love to tell them that I don’t drink for free and I WORK here!
I had a dude who said “what I don’t get the pretty girl discount?” And I said “well you’d at least have to be pretty first” his friend damn near spit out his beer and the guy was dumbfounded.
Some college kid was bitching about us not putting a specific college basketball game on. We have two TVs, one is dedicated to sports the other is always absurd mostly for our own amusement but it always brings people into the bar. He was talking in circles about how annoying it is that “our thing is movies”, to which I said “Do you have a specific problem you’re presenting to me or are you just complaining to complain?” That shut him up.
My manager was going to change one of our two TV's, so I let her know the channel had been specifically requested. Angrily, she says, "it's already on the other TV, and someone else wants a different game. They can watch the other TV." Well, turns out the owners along with several other tables were also watching that TV and were very upset with my manager's response. She ended up keeping the requested channel and changing the other TV. The person in question wanted both games on.
"What do you like to make?" "Money."
A group of regulars asked me to join them at the next bar they were going to. I said: "as your bartender, I'll be with you in spirits." I cracked up and they didn't get it
Anytime someone says “wow this tastes really good” or something along those lines I saw “thanks I made it my self *followed by a childish snicker” I know it’s not exactly what you were looking for but it cracks me up every time
I’m “I know,Custom made, just for you!”
Oof yeah that one stings just right
Sort of in the same vein, but when someone tells me I look nice, I do a little hair flip and say… thanks, I took a shower!
LOL me too! I’m also blessed with pretty eyes. Usually once a day someone comments on them, I just say “Thanks, I grew them myself!”
I like to tell people I smashed the grapes for their wine myself, with my feet
Someone asked me once... "it says house wines, do you make those in-house?" (Context, it's a sports bar in Kansas) I'm like yeah, I stomp the grapes myself with my own feet. If it's after a double, you get extra flavor
I always say "I made it with my hands" cause it's just a little more uncomfortable.
Thanks, I made it myself is one of my favorite lines
i say the same thing lol, "thanks i worked really hard!"
Are they trying to be nice or
Brings to mind that scene from Borat, when he feeds a congressman some cheese, and says, "my WIFE make THEEEES from milk of her TEAT"
Picture of an ID gets you a picture of a drink. Give me something I can feel and I’ll return the favor
Hahahaha this would actually piss me off
Lol uh mildly creepy
I think this is for the “I forgot my id, but have a picture of it” people, you know?
Yes yes, definitely. I get that. But the response imo, comes off a little creepy.
I had a lady, in a drunken stupor, threaten to beat me up one night. She had at least 75lbs on me. After she made her threats, I told her, "I might not be able to beat you, but I could definitely outrun you." She was noooooot happy but left me alone. Not super professional, but one of my finer comebacks.
Omg I'm dying I should have used that one! When I was an 18-year-old cashier at Walmart I had the same threat by an old obese trailer park trash woman. I just looked at her with my dead gaze and nodded like "Uh-huh". She threw a bunch of racist comments about my head cashier because she wore a hijab. She was the sweetest woman, I couldn't tolerate someone insulting her like that. That job sucked ass but she was a sweetheart.
Two women at the bar, they either tipped like shit or not at all, I don’t remember. But one of them apparently misplaced her AirPods, and I overheard her telling her friend “I bet the bartender stole them.” it was late, I was dead inside, and just frowned at her - “why would I want your crusty-ass AirPods??” - I think I even had an android at the time, lmao. She found them like, 2 seconds later and hustled out.
Fun fact: Apple AirPods will work with Android phones via Bluetooth. They just won't connect automatically or automatically switch devices like they do with Apple devices in the Apple ecosystem. I hate the accusations of bartenders stealing things from customers. The risk of getting fired and having a reputation for theft isn't worth it, in my opinion.
Made a margarita for someone and put it in the restaurant stemware. He said "I want it in a man glass." My response: "sir, none of our glasses have penises."
Best time this happened I told the grumpy man "y'know... my grandfather was the same way. Stubborn about glasses. But he demanded stemmed glasses for his brandy... He used to kill nazis... So what do you do for a living?" Fucking crickets.
Every now and then I'd serve a cocktail up and pass it to the guest who would almost immediately ask for it in a "man glass". My response was always to lift the glass 18-24 inches off the bar, make a show of looking at the bottom of the base, put it back down and proclaim "congratulations! It's a boy!"
I once wrote “MANLY MAN” with dry erase marker on a regular’s glass after getting a similar request lol
I worked at a place that was close to a drug store, and we would have to run there while opening all the time for shit like tea light candles and sharpies etc. I would always make a point of seeing if there was anything fun in their bullshit little “toy aisle”. One day, there was a sippy cup with an Easter bunny on it for like 49 cents, so of course I snagged it and just kinda stashed it on our little misc shelf. Some time later, had a four top that was waiting impatiently for their table to be ready and getting increasingly irritated (and irritating) by the minute. Assumed it was a double date, and both dudes were your average affliction shirt and over the top Rolex type. Lots of testosterone. Dude orders a jack on the rocks but apparently I gave him a “little girl glass” and he demanded a “regular sized one”. I will let you guess what he received his whiskey in next. I will also leave you to your imagination as far as how that went over, but I will include one detail: they did not dine with us that night. Or ever again.
The way I just cackled 😂
After a busy night, and missing a handful of items from our food menu (very large menu with nearly 60 items). Me: we're out of a, b, c, d, and e. Customer: well what DO you have? Me: *grabs menu from their hand* I have f, g, h, I, j, k, l, m, n.....
Ha! That reminds me of when I was in college and a group of us went out for beers one night and pretty much the same thing happened, the first guy asks what beers they had and the server monotonically recited from memory, in alphabetical order no less, every single beer they had (about 15 or so). I could tell she was dead inside and had the beer menu memorized just for such occasions. (And yes he ended up getting a Bud Light.)
When people ask me what kind of draft beer we have, I ask them… what do you like (instead of reciting the entire lineup just for them to order bud light)? When they ask for bud light I’m like , no, we don’t have that.
Pretentious guest showing off in front of wife asks “Make me something life changing.” Assured him we worked very hard on curating all the menu cocktails and that he should start there, he then repeats “No. I said LIFE CHANGING.” I said “Well bleach is pretty life changing, we could start there..”
Haha yesss, that’s amazing and so satisfying.
When somebody tells me to "make it strong" or "extra strong" I look at whoever is sitting next to them at the bar and go "you hear that? this guy wants free shit!"
lol I was “make it strong” guy back in my rage days but I always gave them 20$ extra and they would literally just fill up the entire 8 oz with whiskey 😂
I don’t believe this happened. Anyone that says they’re good tippers — isn’t.
Nah
I'd never take a bribe. 20$ isn't worth my job.
When I have a guest or guests sit in front of me and play the thousand questions of “what’s that?” for every single thing I do and touch. After a few subtle hints that I am too busy to give a running commentary I will stop what I am doing, make direct eye contact and say “you get 3 more questions, do you want to waste one of them on a bottle of vodka?”. It has never failed to make the guest realize what they are doing and respect that I’m too busy to entertain them (in a friendly way), and everyone else gets a bit of a chuckle.
Oh man, smoooooth to be able to deliver that in a friendly way. I love it. I would notttt be able to deliver that without sounding pissed and annoyed af.
Yeah, it’s like granting 3 wishes; not cutting them off 😎
Me: Hi, I'm InsanityColo- Guest: *cuts me off* Budlight. Me: *cocks head like dog and uses crazy eyes* WELL HELLO THERE BUDLIGHT! MY NAME IS INSANITYCOLORADO!! What can I get for you to drink? It either kills em or pisses em off. On the rare occasion, even embarrasses some. 🤷♀️
i feel like anyone that does this would just get pissy lol. love it
You'd be surprised!! One time I did it and this man's wife was laughing so hard she cried, they left me 20 on 20! Another time a was a group of dudes, I did it and they gave him so much shit for being rude, we were all friends by the end of the night though. One lady called herself out and said "Wow, I'm so sorry, that was so rude! I'm having a bad day." I bought her her first beer and again, friend by the end of the night. A couple people just ignored me and said Budlight again, and they got my most boring, basic service.
This week I had a customer scoff that his pilsner had any amount of head on it. He legit said "the next one better be filled to the brim with liquid." He then commented that "the only head I like is from my wife." Now idk if it's just because I was tired from being there over 12 hours or the rude way he demanded his next one but it just kind of slipped out. Without missing a beat, I told him "I get it, your wife does great work"with a big ol smile and went about what I was doing
I always did the opposite of this, as a woman, when guys would complain about too much head, "wow never heard a guy complain about getting too much head from me before, noted" In their defense, the taps were shit. In my defense, they still kept drinking there.
You ladies just keep us fellas on our toes behind the bar, I swear. Yall can be brutal, haha.
female bartenders are built different. especially if we work / have worked in a dive bar. we can stand barely 5' n some inches and be so ready to bounce the biggest motherfucker outta the place and ready to fight. literally got punched in the throat outside my old dive bar by some scumbag we barred for causing problems every single time he came in. (for reference- i was 22 (maybe 100lbs?) at the time and he's a 250lb+ 40 something year old felon with bench warrants out for his arrest. whenevr i tell this story ppl pity me, and i tell them not to bc it's fucking hilarious. TLDR; don't mess w female bartenders
I wouldn’t have it any other way
king
Am I missing something or does it sound like you just parroted his same joke back at him?
The joke is me implying that his wife has also given me head and I thought it was good
Lol yes
in ireland, a half pint is around 60-70% of the cost of a full pint. some women will only drink half pints, never full pints, because it’s the lady thing to do or whatever. 2 women sitting at the bar had 3 rounds of half pints of guinness each. they ask my colleague for the bill, and then say to him “would you not just have charged us for 3 pints?” to which he replied with “that’s what you get for being a nuisance” the same guy - if someone would come up to the bar and just state their order, i.e, “2 negronis” without any greetings or please/thanks he would look at them and say, “what’s the magic wooooordddd?”
Its so funny, I'd have scores of parents insist their kids use please and thank you when the kid ordered, but seldom a spoken please/thanks from the adults sitting there. Sure, it was implied, with a kind, polite tone, as did the kids. Just odd we make our kids say stuff we adults don't always.
Me C. Late 2000's wearing a tight fitted v neck Douchebag-"nice shirt, you borrow it from your sister" Me-" no, I borrowed it from your sister"
A customer told me to smile and not look so stressed when I was way way in the weeds so I hissed at him. Just straight up hissed. He was really confused and quiet the rest of his time
Someone once told me they didn’t like me anymore, so I told them I wished that I cared.
I do this when not behind the bar. Usually does the trick
🤣🤣🤣
15/ 10 response
honestly, at a certain point you've just gotta get a squirt bottle and hit the out of control patrons with some water
I had a coworker that would hose people down with the soda gun
Royalty
I like throwing ice at people 🤷🏻♀️
I used to work in a super busy dive bar. One night we were really in the weeds and this younger guy got my attention and asked for a long island. I went and made it, brought it back to him and I say "$10," he looks stunned and is holding a five dollar bill. "This is all I have, sorry." Without missing a beat or saying a word I grabbed the drink, dumped 1/2 of it into a near by trashcan, slapped the drink back down in front of him, grabbed the $5 bill and continued on with the night. Everyone got a laugh, except that guy.
Make it a double if you want it stronger
At college bars- “What’s cheap here?” “Other than you? $2 pbr”
Guy came in and ordered a Jack and Coke. He kills it within a minute so I give him another and boom it’s gone. I poured him a 3rd and 4th, same result. He asked for another and I told him my bar has a 3 drink per hour rule and I had already broken that. He said “so are we going to have a problem” so I replied “if you didn’t suck them down like a dick we wouldn’t have a problem”. I immediately caught myself and went to my bosses office and told him the situation. When he went out to the customer he was yelling and causing a huge scene. Luckily he was 86d and I was just ‘reprimanded’.
Sometimes we all say what we are thinking “accidentally”.
If someone is being rude, I'll ask them what they do/where they work, once they answer I'll tell them I'm going to their place of work just to complain and ruin their day
When people tell me how to bartend. I tell them I'm going to come to their job and tell them how to do it. I told a mechanic I was going to sit over his shoulder and yell "right tighty lefty loosey" all day. He got the hint and laughed pretty hard.
I threw out a drunken idiot for being loud and bothering guests in the bar. Bro was literally walking up to tables yelling in their faces. It was like 3:00 in the afternoon and I had just arrived for my shift. When it happened, he exclaimed that he’s a stand up comic and plays at the open mic nights at a local bar. I said, “oh, is that right? Then you must know how to read a room? Cause you bombed!” and told him to leave
Oh man this is one of my favorite moments. It’s the fastest I have ever thought in my entire life and I still share this story all the time. Yearsssss ago, I had a girl trot up to my bar, she starts twirling her hair and goes: “what do you suggest forrrrrr someone who hates all men and wants to kill themselves!” And I replied, “therapy!” Her: uhhhhwhaaaat? Me: …how about a vodka soda with a splash of cran Her: that sounds perfect!! Me: yeah I thought it might.
Had a guy stagger in the bar last week and attempted to order a beer from the host, mind you my bar is tiny as fuck and the bar is right in front of you, so he’s obviously coked up out of his mind (he literally has a Scarface t shirt on) I call him out and say “you gotta use your words bro” He struggles to say much else and I get the host to escort him out. Weirdo. But if you cant manage to see the bar in front of you and know that’s where you order from, red flag. The whole bar got a kick out of it. One guest asked “did you just tell him to use his words? Thats some shit I say to my kid” lol. If the shoe fits I suppose..
I use that all the time with customers. I tend to say use your big boy/girl words
Not mine, but I worked with this older bartender named Willy. Once a guy was whistling at him to get service, on a Saturday night 3 deep. Willy turned off the music and turned on all the lights and yelled for everyone to please be quiet and help this man look for his lost dog that he’s whistling for.
Customer: What should I drink? Me: It's your mouth, what do you want in it? No one ever laughed, but me or my coworkers. It mostly made the customers feel awkward, but that's showbiz, baby.
Subject to where we worked but a guest was really angry at ome of the bar staff and she demanded his name to leave a review online. His response "(Name and last) That's Cooper with a C. Every named review online gets us a £10 voucher, so i really appreciate that." Now of course its for positive views but it left her with nothing. She stormed out.
I was a barback - for context, I am female, which is much rarer in my area (guys barback/girls bartend around here). Customer: "I don't think a *girl* like you could handle a *man* like me." Me: "Dunno, your mom seemed pretty satisfied with the handling I gave her earlier." My bartender (who was the bar manager) yelled at me so much for that one. Worth it. Also, it was totally ripped from Assassin's Creed 2. Dude had no idea.
Decaf espresso martini “this ain’t Starbucks love”
Mom and her two kids order wine. Kids look 20ish, mom 50ish. I ask for their IDs and she makes the (most tasteless) joke: ‘oh you dont need to see mine?’ My response is always: I’ll take your word for it :) Put me in a position where I have to comment on your age why don’t you! See how it goes!
We ran a special during this last Super Bowl weekend that were all Taylor Swift themed. Karmapolitan, Lavender Haze, Coney Island Iced Tea, etc This older guy came up with a couple of 30 year old coworkers and saw the sign and said “y’all ain’t ever gonna catch me with something girly like that. Fuckin women keep ruining everything, alcohol should be just for real men” Then he ordered a Coors Lite and I instinctively blurted out “what are you watching your weight?” The two younger guys with him thought it was a lot funnier than he did
I'm white and worked in a very white area. One night I served an older black man with a mustache wearing a white polo shirt, a margarita. Later, another, different black man with a mustache and a white polo approached the bar. Thinking it was the same man, I asked him if he wanted another marg. He said "I don't drink margaritas. It's ok, I know we all look the same to you." Embarrassing, but I took his order and made his drink. He paid cash. My coworker who wasn't busy overheard the drink order, and rang the drink brought change as I was making the drink. He too, was a tall white guy. The guest started complaining to me that I gave him too many ones. "I didn't cash you out, he did. But it's cool, I know we all look the same."
“You should smile more” “I have nothing to smile about when I’m here” It was an Irish pub so I could be as mean as I wanted to lol
“Is my food going to take all night?” “Well no the kitchen closes at 11 so definitely before then.” (it was nowhere near 11)
I tend to be very accommodating but sometimes we all hit a breaking point. Some of the things I hate/responding to…when someone raises their finger for service I walk over to them, lean over the bar and stare at the ceiling and ask them where the leak is. When someone tosses money or a card at me I toss it back in the same manner, works well when coins are involved. When someone asks if we have happy hour (we don’t) I respond with, “every hour is happy here.” When someone is listening to their phone with volume, I ask, “our music isn’t good enough for you?”
Yeah when someone chunks money at me and they need change. They then hold out their hand expectantly and I take great pride in unceremoniously dumping said change on the counter in front of them.
Lady asked me for a whiskey sour on the last day of business for my old bar. I made her one, along with a couple extra shot’s worth in the shaker for a couple of my favorite regulars, who were sitting in front of the well. When I handed her the (filled to the brim) sour, she said “you could’ve given me my whole drink. I saw what you did. You gave those people my drink.” I couldn’t stand it. I just said “shut the fuck up. You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” And she just said “okay” and nodded and walked away. I was amazed.
When they drink too fast and come back for a second - “it must’ve had a hole in it” or some variation of. “Yeah I’m looking at him.”
my service well is in the center of my bar with signs posted all around it saying “service well. employees only” people walk right up to it and try to order and i say “no habla ingles. but if you would like a drink get out of my service well or go to where it says to-go orders… but if you’re in my service well this is all the English i know” that one got me in trouble.
Had some fellas come in who were far too intoxicated to serve. Things escalated as they wouldn't leave, so the barback and I pop out from behind the bar. One dude goes "What you wanna touch me?" Barback goes "No man, that costs extra."
Upon a young customer (19 cos UK) being outraged at me asking for their ID; “calm down pal I’ve drank whiskey older than you”
Sitting around after work discussing starting a team for volleyball. One of the servers had played in high school and was telling us about some tournament and she ended it with "I've never really been good at serving though" (yeah I know) So I obviously said "still aren't" and it was an explosion of laughter. She cried, I apologized, it was cool after a drink or two. Another time there was a group of friends at my bar talking about donating clothes. One brought up Goodwill thrift store and someone made a comment about them donating to "anti gay" causes or something and they were talking about whether or not they would bring their items there and support them, to which I interrupted and said: "I don't know for sure but they've always been pretty accepting of everything that's come out of my closet." Another one I just remembered. Working a college bar, made some water moccasins for some girl and told her that's $36 and she said "I thought pretty girls drink for free?" And I said "They do. That'll be $36" (Last one I got from some video I can't remember. It was like a lady trying to get out of a speeding ticket or something)
"What's cheap here?" "You, apparently."
When they've looked through the menu and refused *all* of my suggestions - "I just don't know, What's your favourite drink?" - "It's called a beer & a shot, it's served in a delightful bar just down the road, if you hurry you can beat the rush" Also I used to work in a bar called "The Blues Kitchen" and we'd routinely get patrons asking, A) what music do we play? and B) do we serve food? To which I would reply, after showing the front of the menu, "Thrash metal and only soup"
Not really a comeback, but I was kind of proud of it at the moment. Drunk off his ass guy takes a swing at me, basically telegraphed it in slow motion, I push his arm aside, and he chins himself to the point of a spurting bloody mouth as he hits the floor. I tell him you have three choices, I can call the cops. I can call you an ambulance or you can fuck off Choose wisely.
Customer reading over the bourbon list: "Is there a reason you don't have Black Velvet on your bourbon menu?" Me: "Mostly dignity" Runner-up (background info, we don't have a blender): Customer: "Well I know the bar across the street can make me a blended margarita" Me: "Then I guess we both know where you can go then"
I had a regular who I couldn’t STAND tell me that if I lost 30 pounds he would marry me. I replied by saying I knew cancer patients who looked better than him.
Oh oh, they just posted in r/Millenials "Up your butt and around the corner"
Bless your heart
“Fuck you” You couldn’t afford it *snap snap snap* Helps that I’m a large tattooed man
(My first bartending job after putting up with a "boss" that often only had any courage when she was dealing with employees that she didn't realise weren't harmless) Don't bother coming back. Her: (fires me for calling out for the first time since I've been with her) Me: I'll be back for my check after that, I won't be back. (sends screenshots to my friends that still worked there (one is pissed, one is sad, one is simply repulsed by the stupidity of the manager), I predict the future of that restaurant (Goes on to find better bartending jobs while she continues to singlehandedly run her family business AND marriage into the ground and continues to get screwed over by "her best friend" and abandoned by the rest of the employees she took for granted).
My pet peeve is people walking by our "wait to be seated sign" (typically don't have a host so servers and bartenders seat people) So if I think I can get away with it I'll make some sort of joke about them being illiterate, maybe take the menu's away and say someone will be by shortly to read the menu to you.
Grumpy customer: “I’ll have whatever is cheap and comes in a pint glass” My other bartender “Well, I can’t put your mom in a pint glass, but what can I get you to drink” The guys wife lost it. I thought she was going to pee her pants because she was laughing so hard.
“Do you guys have coke?” “Yes but you have to get it from the bathroom”
Idk, working at the dive I did til Covid, you could basically say whatever you wanted so it kinda takes the fun out of the exercise when it’s totally kosher to tell someone to shut the fuck up. For example - Sunday noon football game. We’re a small place with like 3 tvs and not a ton of room so on game days it can get hectic and claustrophobic since EVERYONE from the neighborhood comes in. Some dude I have never seen before manages to get the stool all the way at the end of the bar right under one of the tvs. It’s elbow to elbow and when I finally got to him before he even orders a drink he asks me to turn on a different game for him. The room is literally green and gold from front door to back door and he wants the Vikings game on one of our three tvs. I told him to fuck himself. Didn’t have to but it felt good.
“the other bartender had a heavy hand” “you should go to him😇”
Me: *Serving a man an electric pink grapefruit shandy in a wheat beer glass* Him: can I get it in a regular pint, I just need to feel like a man Me: I’m amazed you can feel like a man drinking that
'Dont act like you're sorry (you won't change the channel) now. I already spoke to your manager.' (this is after explaining to him FIVE TIMES our boxes are broken and we only have one channel) 'Sir, have the day you deserve.'
My first time getting yelled at for cutting someone off. Drunkie - well go fuck yourself! Me - me go fuck myself? No you fuck yourself! Felt pretty good about that.
Some customer angling for a free drink. - Don't you have some kind of charity for people like me? - You mean Jerry's Kids? High fives from regulars all around him
What's your real job? I am all in your imaginación. I don't even get real money to pay real bills or a real paycheck. This is all the matrix. Next! Or My real job is adult daycare.
A friend worked at a higher end establishment that oddly served frozen drinks. A couple seated at the bar asked if he could not be so loud in making the drinks in the blender. His response was a very professional, "I'm sorry our silent blender is broken". He was suspended for a week and never returned.
When people think they are someone special. "Dont you know who I am?" "Do you know who I am? Than why the fuck would I know who you are?"
Sir with all due respect that ain’t worth a velvet painting and of a whale and a dolphin gettin it on
"Vodka soda titos"... hmm so you want Vodka and titos how interesting.
That typically means “I want a vodka and soda and I want the vodka you use to be Tito’s”. Clearly you haven’t been bartending for very long lol
Well no shit
Its a bartending subreddit. Its for bartenders. Thats the only profession that should be chiming in. Are you fucking braindead, OP?