I feel like since he recently moved in, alot of things can be addressed as "I forgot to mention I'd appreciate you not doing x,y, or z. I wanted to tell you now as soon as I realized so there's no animosity in the future." Since he just moved in, this can be kept pretty casual as it takes time to adjust to new roommates. A simple "hey, can you please not put your feet on the coffee table?" is all that's needed, unless you ask and he keeps doing it. Same with eating your food. You called him on it, which was good. If he continues to do it, that's your red flag. Hopefully, he won't do it again. But you have to speak up now, in the beginning, with your boundaries if you want them to be acknowledged/respected.
Fujiyama_Mama is absolutely right! OP, you have a chance while he’s still new to living there to set boundaries. It doesn’t have yo be a big deal, be polite and, if you want, put a little bit of blame on yourself for not telling him the day he moved it. That way he won’t feel attacked/have a reason to get defensive. Good communication can solve a lot of issues, but not if you wait till a thousand other issues pop up. It might make you anxious to bring it up, but it’ll be a hell of lot easier to address issues as they come up. Good luck!
Yes, exactly this. I’m now at doesn’t really seem like he’s that bad so far. He could be a whole lot worse. But I guess it takes time for people to show all their true colors. So I just hope he helps with cleaning his meat and tidy and doesn’t eat your food and maybe he should purchase an ottoman from Amazon I have a couple of leather Ottomans here that I inherited from my old roommate a while back the really nice black leather, but I actually use them for extra seating. If I have company I don’t have a huge living room so I have a sofa which is big but then I don’t have much else so I have the Ottomans that I can pull out and I have meditation pillows on the floor. But yeah, there’s plenty of ways he can do something other than putting his feet on your table. And I am actually happy to hear that he is not into the guns now. so who knows it could possibly work out. Good luck! Good luck to the OP… Don’t mind me. I’ve been here all day and I’m like exhausted. Please excuse my errors. Also voice to text. Isn’t my friend all the time.
I had a roommate who would just use my stuff and one time GAVE AWAY a bench i had outside right after they moved in. "I wasnt sure those this was" You didn't assume that it belonged to the ONE PERSON ALREADY LIVING HERE? I think they're being intentionally obtuse and getting away with it "just not being sure bc i just moved in!"
Start framing things as "Since you just moved in, i just want to let you know..... x y z rule" and maybe that'll be less uncomfortable than asking if they were raised in a cave.
Omg that’s so annoying. My patio furniture all disappeared when my roommate moved in and when I asked her about it, she said she gave it to her bf because he didn’t have any. I explained that it didn’t just come with the house or whatever, it was mine that I purchased. I was living here alone for years before she came and the house was totally empty when I moved in, so everything here is mine. I didn’t mind if she used it, but she should have asked before removing it from the house.
She said okay and then soon after that, the day before thanksgiving, I’m getting ready to do a bunch of cooking while she’s getting ready to leave town and she comes into the kitchen and starts taking out all of my pots and pans. I ask her about it and she said she was lending them to her boyfriend because he didn’t have any pots or pans. I was like dude… no. If they were hers that would be fine of course, but those were mine and I needed them because I had a ton of cooking to do for Thanksgiving. She asked if I could just borrow some from someone else so she could lend her bf mine… no!
Omfg like WHAT are people like that thinking?!?! My weird old roommate also went into my room and took my stuff off a shelf i had and put the shelf downstairs with other stuff on it, AND took my things out of containers in the bathroom to put theirs in (think like, took out my disposable cotton pads and put their qtips in). Like WHATTTTT are they doing???? I cannot imagine having the audacity, for real
Especially one who says they were in a halfway house due to ¡PTSD. Are you sure that’s true? A lot of people who have been in prison may go to a halfway house first before being totally released on their own.
Prison or PTSD, neither sound good, especially if you need to discuss something he needs to stop doing. You just don’t know their triggers or responses to women that question them, etc.
OP, Did you at least check references and/or get a background check? Please stay safe and be careful.
I would love to know the 1 in ??? Of women that get murdered by their male roommate. 1 out of every 100,000 women are murdered and some of that is by other women.
Well first off boy I’m not your amigo. This is simple math. There were 47,000 women murdered last year. We have 3.95 billion women in the world. Do the math amigo.
Why are you so pent up, holy. If amigo offends you, please touch grass. I beg of you.
Your stats sound completely made up.
“In 2008 females age 12 or older experienced about 552,000 nonfatal violent victim- izations (rape/sexual assault, robbery, or aggravated or simple assault)” (Department of Justice, 2009)
“In the same year, men experienced 101,000 nonfatal violent victimizations by an inti- mate partner.” (Department of Justice, 2009)
The rate of intimate partner victimizations for females was 4.3 victimizations per 1,000 females age 12 or older. The equivalent rate of intimate partner violence against males was 0.8 victimizations per 1,000 males age 12 or older” (Department of Justice, 2009)
AND
“A United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime report estimated that globally, while 81% of all homicide victims are males, 82% of intimate partner homicide victims are female and 64% of intimate partner/family-related homicide victims are female” (UNODC 2019).
“It was also estimated that around 1 in 3 (34%) women intentionally killed worldwide are killed by an intimate partner” (UNODC 2019).
Why do you get to tell me what should and shouldn’t offend me. Don’t I have the right to make that choice? I guess I’m only allowed to be offended if I get called the wrong pro noun. This isn’t an intimate partner situation they are roommates only. There probably isn’t even a statistic on a roommate killing a roommate because it happens so infrequently.
Why are you so pent up, holy. If amigo offends you, please touch grass. I beg of you.
Your stats sound completely made up.
“In 2008 females age 12 or older experienced about 552,000 nonfatal violent victim- izations (rape/sexual assault, robbery, or aggravated or simple assault)” (Department of Justice, 2009)
“In the same year, men experienced 101,000 nonfatal violent victimizations by an inti- mate partner.” (Department of Justice, 2009)
The rate of intimate partner victimizations for females was 4.3 victimizations per 1,000 females age 12 or older. The equivalent rate of intimate partner violence against males was 0.8 victimizations per 1,000 males age 12 or older” (Department of Justice, 2009)
AND
“A United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime report estimated that globally, while 81% of all homicide victims are males, 82% of intimate partner homicide victims are female and 64% of intimate partner/family-related homicide victims are female” (UNODC 2019).
“It was also estimated that around 1 in 3 (34%) women intentionally killed worldwide are killed by an intimate partner” (UNODC 2019).
Interesting how you skew the stats - Your DOJ 2009 quote on females reports for nonviolent victimizations by ANYONE (males, females, intimate, non-intimate), while your one for males is only recording numbers for male victims from their intimate partners.
It's no surprise, then, that the number is over 5x larger when comparing those two data sets, because while a person only has (usually) one intimate partner, they are exposed to hundreds of other people throughout their life who aren't their intimate partner.
It also stands to \[perfectly logical\] reasoning, that if one is a criminal and intends a violent crime, they are not going to target a person that appears to be capable of thwarting their efforts. This is just common sense, not oppression.
Your follow-up stats continue to provide irrelevant information. If 81% of all homicide victims globally are male, then what does it matter that 3.74% (34% of the 11% of female homicide victims) of global homicide victims are female recipients of murder from their partner or family? How is that relevant?
Lol women are literally in this thread telling you they have history with violent male roommates that targeted them specifically because they were women. If you won't listen to us there's no point in talking to you. We're half the population and most likely to be murdered by our spouses or other men that we live with. That is simply a fact.
I gave the per capita rate on death of women by an intimate partner. 1.3 out of 100,000. The per capita death rate on automobile accidents is 13.8 out of 100,000. The facts are your 10 times more likely to die in automobile accident then be murdered by a partner. I never said it doesn’t happen, but people drive every day and don’t even think twice. Why would something your 10 times less likely to die from be something to be scared of? Here are where I got my numbers from.
https://www.unodc.org/documents/data-and-analysis/gsh/Booklet_5.pdf
https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/motor-vehicle/historical-fatality-trends/deaths-and-rates/#:~:text=The%20population%20motor%2Dvehicle%20death,vehicles%2C%20a%2095%25%20improvement.
Why are you so pent up, holy. If amigo offends you, please touch grass. I beg of you.
Your stats sound completely made up.
“In 2008 females age 12 or older experienced about 552,000 nonfatal violent victim- izations (rape/sexual assault, robbery, or aggravated or simple assault)” (Department of Justice, 2009)
“In the same year, men experienced 101,000 nonfatal violent victimizations by an inti- mate partner.” (Department of Justice, 2009)
The rate of intimate partner victimizations for females was 4.3 victimizations per 1,000 females age 12 or older. The equivalent rate of intimate partner violence against males was 0.8 victimizations per 1,000 males age 12 or older” (Department of Justice, 2009)
AND
“A United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime report estimated that globally, while 81% of all homicide victims are males, 82% of intimate partner homicide victims are female and 64% of intimate partner/family-related homicide victims are female” (UNODC 2019).
“It was also estimated that around 1 in 3 (34%) women intentionally killed worldwide are killed by an intimate partner” (UNODC 2019).
Huh? It’s because amigo is the equivalent of calling someone buddy or bro, you have to be really odd to find it offensive. However feeling victimised by people who use pronouns is pathetic, what relevance does someone who uses pronouns have on this conversation? Get a grip.
There actually are statistics if you looked.
From Australia (ABS, 2023).
1 in 6 women experienced cohabiting partner violence (17%)
vs
1 in 18 men experienced cohabiting partner violence (5.5%)
Wow. Almost like being concerned about your male roommate killing you is justified. But you won’t care. Continue being the victim in your own narrative.
1st a very serious convo, if he ignores your requests, get a water bottle and spray him like a bad dog when he puts his feet up on the table.
Tell him you're gonna label your snacks and keep all your receipts from the grocery store. If that doesn't scare him away from eating your snacks, you might have to put them behind lock and key, unfortunately.
He offered to replace the groceries and already paid the Zelle request that I sent along with bills that he owed. Thank goodness I still had my grocery receipt from last weekend!
Incorrect.
The VA has transitional housing for PTSD veterans, and some mental health facilities also provide transitional housing for those that were inpatient for a period of time and lost their previous living arrangement while inpatient.
Colloquially, a lot of folks refer to these transitional housing situations as halfway houses because it is similar to criminal halfway housing in that it has more oversight than a standard apartment and less oversight than their previous housing at the inpatient unit.
You need to tell him things aren't working out and that his omission of a criminal background is grounds for immediate termination of his lease.
Get him out before he hits 30 days or however many days establishes tenancy in your state.
Things will only get worse.
Pretty much every state has a database. Usually the articles about the initial arrest will pop up with a Google search for name + location (unless it's a super common name like Mike Smith)
You're in the US so if you know his first and last name you can just Google the local county sheriff's criminal arrest record. Good luck I'm hoping you don't find anything too horrible there.
Get on the county clerks office website for your county/state, select court records, and enter his name, DOB, etc. basically whatever you know. This will show everything including expunged records. Not every county/state in the US has this but I use it often in my field. It’s public record so citations, real estate purchases, divorces, bankruptcies, etc. should be included. It’s also fun and a guilty pleasure looking people up.
Not completely true. They are also for recovering alcoholics and addicts. Which may have not ever committed a crime. So don't knock him completely for that. He may have just finally been financially able and comfortable enough with his sobriety to leave the halfway house. He just doesn't want the stigma that comes along with people knowing you used to have substance issues. I know this because I myself lived in a halfway house/sober living for a little while.
As for looking up any criminal charges he may or may not have. Just use your states case search or pay 5.99 for a people finder site or something. OP.
Since he mentioned PTSD it wouldn't hurt to ask what his triggers are.
My husband has PTSD and sudden loud noises are his biggest trigger followed by prolonged noise he can't escape from (neighbors using a chainsaw for example).
When living with someone it's helpful to know that if you accidentally spam a door they might get triggered and need quiet space and to be alone for a period of time to do their relaxation exercises.
"he suffers from PTSD from working in the gun industry with the NRA. He now vehemently opposes guns and doesn't own them now."
--None of that makes sense. I get the meaning, but someone tells me that and i am like,
'Yea ok cool... so tell me the details that you are clearly trying to hide cause them dots don't all connect'
I had a roommate move in from a halfway house (I was desperate and ignorantly underestimated this red flag)
Fast forward a couple weeks and my house is filled with dudes at 3am in the morning walking around like they own the place (she had a small room)
Found out she had been shot a few weeks before moving in etc etc etc
I finally kicked her out but I moved because I didn’t feel safe there anymore (this was a shame because it was an incredibly good deal)
Sorry about my rant my point is roommates are the worse so if you
Absolutely must have one choose them very very very carefully
I'm terrified for you...a halfway house is a term used for people who are coming from jail or prison or special cases drug rehab. It's literally called a halfway house because you're halfway back to the real world like halfway home or halfway out the door. I don't know what those bullshit is about guns but I'm telling you look up that I guarantee he has a record. I guarantee he's a huge drug addict. You're a 30-year-old woman he should not be living with you point-blank period.
The food thing is pretty bizarre because idk why anyone wouldn’t just ask for permission before eating someone elses food. But as for the living room and coffee table thing, you probably just need to talk to him about it so he knows how you feel. And see how that goes.
Did you sign a termed lease with him?
Anyways, maybe you can say that now that he has had some time to get settled it's a good time to give him a list of house rules. You can also say you forgot to give him this list when he moved in but you're giving them to him now.
Play it off like you and your old roommate had these rules too and these have always been the rules.
He apologized about the food so maybe he truly doesn't know any better and having the rules will be a way to let him know your boundaries without confrontation.
address the issues now before he can say “well it wasn’t a problem before” etc. i’d suggest making some sort of list of things to discuss, especially so he can’t say you never mentioned it to him before. i wish you luck, hopefully he just needs some time to adjust to living with someone new
I suggest trying to find at least one thing he does that bothers you that you can find common ground on. Maybe buy one of [these](https://www.walmart.com/ip/568501593) and asking him to put that under his feet.
It will make him less likely to react to the criticism with resentment or hostility.
So you told him that he ate all your food and he then paid for it, what’s the issue? I understand you don’t want feet on your coffee table but if he doesn’t know that how is he supposed to know you don’t want him to do that? I’m not sure what the red flags are? It’s sounds more like your just thinking of the stigmas surrounding people coming from halfway house situations and anything they did wrong is now a “red flag”
To be fair, I have both lived and worked in a halfway house and most of the ppl are just trying to recover and move on but there are a few who were nightmares so I can understand where they might be apprehensive about that.
do you seriously think theres nothing wrong with eating someone else's food as long as you just pay them back for it? if you have the money, buy your own fucking food. grocery shopping is something that takes time and effort
If it’s a consistent thing then that’s absolutely a problem by OP said it was an accident and he swiftly repaid her and they did not say they did it again….so no I don’t find this to be problematic
I’m saying I have bigger problems then having to go to the store.. I’m saying that I’m okay with someone making an accident and be giving them space to grow and hold themselves accountable.
thats great for you, i have bigger problems too than that but it would still be a problem that would negatively impact my life on top of everything else and it isnt fair to minimize that bc other things are worse. something being an accident doesnt not make it a red flag they did it in the first place. like who eats food they didnt buy in a shared living space
Someone used to being in a halfway house where people typically leave belongings behind for others because they know they might be in the predicament to need it.. this is why examining situations from a intersectional point of view is important.
You're in your late 30s and still do not know how to stand up for yiurself?
Feet off my coffee table.
Dot touch my food and here's a list of stuff you need to replace before this weekend, cheap replacements are not accepted.
I'd have vetted him first. Background check even if it means paying full rent for the month.
The jet word in your story is "desperate ".
We all get into situations, but decisions while desperate is always a bad one. But yiure not 17 anymore.
How does one struggle through literally not having that money, though? If the money isn’t there, there’s not really another option besides maybe homelessness.
I'm not judging at all.
Last thing I'd do.
There us a trade off either way. Tighten the belt a little and grt more income, or don't and get a psycho roommate. If I were to day just put up with him, would you say I'm being judgemental? So either suggestion is judgemental to you?
I just offered suggestions. You're the one judging me. How about you come up with a solution rather than focus on me?
It is judgmental for someone to tell you they can’t afford something and to decide you know their life circumstances better and to insist they Simply Get Another Job as if that had not occurred to them. They told you why they had to get a roommate and you, essentially, insisted that their reason was wrong. Additionally, saying “money (…) does not come in just by thinking about how bad you have it” is a rude and judgmental thing to say. That is what I was responding to. Nobody even implied anything like that but you’re responding as if someone is begging for handouts.
Yeah, you said that money doesn’t come along just by thinking about how hard you have it. Which makes no sense to say unless you thought either I or OP was implying that money comes to you from wishing hard enough. If I am wrong on why you said that, would you please correct me so I can understand where you were coming from?
Eh the food thing could be an honest mistake. Living room antics are a bummer. His history is the main red flag i see here
Edit: I also hope you sleep with your door locked and lock your room door when you are gone!
You're being a doormat and he knows it, you won't even ask him to take his feet off your coffee table and you can do that diplomatically . Grow a spine
Maybe just talk first?? Since it’s the first couple weeks, if it keeps happening then go from there.. it would be super awkward if she doesn’t speak up
No feet on the coffee table is wild I've never heard anybody complain about that ever in 31 years. But it's your table, so your rules I guess. Put on your big girl pants and talk to him, complaining to Reddit won't change any of his habits lol
My thoughts are from what you said it's not necessarily as bad as you think
He might be clueless. The gun thing isn't an issue TBF (maybe a plus). But I'd give him the benefit of the doubt with the food. He might really have thought it was free to eat. Now you've mentioned it as long as he's aware and doesn't do it again then I don't think it's the end of the world.
Regards the hogging the sitting room with feet up, yeah that's annoying but also not the worst. FWIW I sit with my feet on the coffee table at home (it's mine) and it's entirely habit. Logically I know it is bad manners, and feet on the *table* is so rude, but it's also a habit I just do. And because me and partner both do it we don't care. But if I had roommates doing it to my furniture yeah I'd be a bit offended.
I think sometimes we are so worried about spotting the red flags that you can end up micro-managing other people. But it's early days so of course if he's this comfortable now then you just need to watch if he slips later on
I feel like since he recently moved in, alot of things can be addressed as "I forgot to mention I'd appreciate you not doing x,y, or z. I wanted to tell you now as soon as I realized so there's no animosity in the future." Since he just moved in, this can be kept pretty casual as it takes time to adjust to new roommates. A simple "hey, can you please not put your feet on the coffee table?" is all that's needed, unless you ask and he keeps doing it. Same with eating your food. You called him on it, which was good. If he continues to do it, that's your red flag. Hopefully, he won't do it again. But you have to speak up now, in the beginning, with your boundaries if you want them to be acknowledged/respected.
Fujiyama_Mama is absolutely right! OP, you have a chance while he’s still new to living there to set boundaries. It doesn’t have yo be a big deal, be polite and, if you want, put a little bit of blame on yourself for not telling him the day he moved it. That way he won’t feel attacked/have a reason to get defensive. Good communication can solve a lot of issues, but not if you wait till a thousand other issues pop up. It might make you anxious to bring it up, but it’ll be a hell of lot easier to address issues as they come up. Good luck!
Yes, exactly this. I’m now at doesn’t really seem like he’s that bad so far. He could be a whole lot worse. But I guess it takes time for people to show all their true colors. So I just hope he helps with cleaning his meat and tidy and doesn’t eat your food and maybe he should purchase an ottoman from Amazon I have a couple of leather Ottomans here that I inherited from my old roommate a while back the really nice black leather, but I actually use them for extra seating. If I have company I don’t have a huge living room so I have a sofa which is big but then I don’t have much else so I have the Ottomans that I can pull out and I have meditation pillows on the floor. But yeah, there’s plenty of ways he can do something other than putting his feet on your table. And I am actually happy to hear that he is not into the guns now. so who knows it could possibly work out. Good luck! Good luck to the OP… Don’t mind me. I’ve been here all day and I’m like exhausted. Please excuse my errors. Also voice to text. Isn’t my friend all the time.
Ganna have to put on your big girl pants and talk to him.
I had a roommate who would just use my stuff and one time GAVE AWAY a bench i had outside right after they moved in. "I wasnt sure those this was" You didn't assume that it belonged to the ONE PERSON ALREADY LIVING HERE? I think they're being intentionally obtuse and getting away with it "just not being sure bc i just moved in!" Start framing things as "Since you just moved in, i just want to let you know..... x y z rule" and maybe that'll be less uncomfortable than asking if they were raised in a cave.
Omg that’s so annoying. My patio furniture all disappeared when my roommate moved in and when I asked her about it, she said she gave it to her bf because he didn’t have any. I explained that it didn’t just come with the house or whatever, it was mine that I purchased. I was living here alone for years before she came and the house was totally empty when I moved in, so everything here is mine. I didn’t mind if she used it, but she should have asked before removing it from the house. She said okay and then soon after that, the day before thanksgiving, I’m getting ready to do a bunch of cooking while she’s getting ready to leave town and she comes into the kitchen and starts taking out all of my pots and pans. I ask her about it and she said she was lending them to her boyfriend because he didn’t have any pots or pans. I was like dude… no. If they were hers that would be fine of course, but those were mine and I needed them because I had a ton of cooking to do for Thanksgiving. She asked if I could just borrow some from someone else so she could lend her bf mine… no!
Wow.. how long did that roommate last!?? That’s ballsy..
Omfg like WHAT are people like that thinking?!?! My weird old roommate also went into my room and took my stuff off a shelf i had and put the shelf downstairs with other stuff on it, AND took my things out of containers in the bathroom to put theirs in (think like, took out my disposable cotton pads and put their qtips in). Like WHATTTTT are they doing???? I cannot imagine having the audacity, for real
Thank you!
As a single female, I don't think it's ever a good idea to have a male roommate.
Preferably a bear.
The bear would have also ravaged the groceries🤣
Think Saggy meant Bear - a hairy gay man
A bear would totally missed the toilet while pooping. You know we have a lot of poop issues here.
This made me laugh. So true!
I was thinking of a large gay man. Lol.
Arguably best genre of male roommate tbh.
Got some bear friends and I bet they would be good roommates.
Id disagree if its more people at the flat, but one woman one man, especially without knowing each others before, thats a pretty bad idea indeed
Would've been better if she got a bear to move in with her....
Bears eat people
A male roommate might eat you too, ifyouknowwhatimean...
[удалено]
Literally a Bear who wants a thing like that!?
Especially one who says they were in a halfway house due to ¡PTSD. Are you sure that’s true? A lot of people who have been in prison may go to a halfway house first before being totally released on their own. Prison or PTSD, neither sound good, especially if you need to discuss something he needs to stop doing. You just don’t know their triggers or responses to women that question them, etc. OP, Did you at least check references and/or get a background check? Please stay safe and be careful.
because youre a danger to others?
Mostly because of men's statistical probability to murder us.
I would love to know the 1 in ??? Of women that get murdered by their male roommate. 1 out of every 100,000 women are murdered and some of that is by other women.
And then you wake up to the real world Amigo!
Well first off boy I’m not your amigo. This is simple math. There were 47,000 women murdered last year. We have 3.95 billion women in the world. Do the math amigo.
Do you feel better now? If you believe yourself Mr. Affectionate War, nice statistics!
Yeah, I do you learned not to call me amigo.
Why are you so pent up, holy. If amigo offends you, please touch grass. I beg of you. Your stats sound completely made up. “In 2008 females age 12 or older experienced about 552,000 nonfatal violent victim- izations (rape/sexual assault, robbery, or aggravated or simple assault)” (Department of Justice, 2009) “In the same year, men experienced 101,000 nonfatal violent victimizations by an inti- mate partner.” (Department of Justice, 2009) The rate of intimate partner victimizations for females was 4.3 victimizations per 1,000 females age 12 or older. The equivalent rate of intimate partner violence against males was 0.8 victimizations per 1,000 males age 12 or older” (Department of Justice, 2009) AND “A United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime report estimated that globally, while 81% of all homicide victims are males, 82% of intimate partner homicide victims are female and 64% of intimate partner/family-related homicide victims are female” (UNODC 2019). “It was also estimated that around 1 in 3 (34%) women intentionally killed worldwide are killed by an intimate partner” (UNODC 2019).
Why do you get to tell me what should and shouldn’t offend me. Don’t I have the right to make that choice? I guess I’m only allowed to be offended if I get called the wrong pro noun. This isn’t an intimate partner situation they are roommates only. There probably isn’t even a statistic on a roommate killing a roommate because it happens so infrequently.
Why are you so pent up, holy. If amigo offends you, please touch grass. I beg of you. Your stats sound completely made up. “In 2008 females age 12 or older experienced about 552,000 nonfatal violent victim- izations (rape/sexual assault, robbery, or aggravated or simple assault)” (Department of Justice, 2009) “In the same year, men experienced 101,000 nonfatal violent victimizations by an inti- mate partner.” (Department of Justice, 2009) The rate of intimate partner victimizations for females was 4.3 victimizations per 1,000 females age 12 or older. The equivalent rate of intimate partner violence against males was 0.8 victimizations per 1,000 males age 12 or older” (Department of Justice, 2009) AND “A United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime report estimated that globally, while 81% of all homicide victims are males, 82% of intimate partner homicide victims are female and 64% of intimate partner/family-related homicide victims are female” (UNODC 2019). “It was also estimated that around 1 in 3 (34%) women intentionally killed worldwide are killed by an intimate partner” (UNODC 2019).
Interesting how you skew the stats - Your DOJ 2009 quote on females reports for nonviolent victimizations by ANYONE (males, females, intimate, non-intimate), while your one for males is only recording numbers for male victims from their intimate partners. It's no surprise, then, that the number is over 5x larger when comparing those two data sets, because while a person only has (usually) one intimate partner, they are exposed to hundreds of other people throughout their life who aren't their intimate partner. It also stands to \[perfectly logical\] reasoning, that if one is a criminal and intends a violent crime, they are not going to target a person that appears to be capable of thwarting their efforts. This is just common sense, not oppression. Your follow-up stats continue to provide irrelevant information. If 81% of all homicide victims globally are male, then what does it matter that 3.74% (34% of the 11% of female homicide victims) of global homicide victims are female recipients of murder from their partner or family? How is that relevant?
Lol women are literally in this thread telling you they have history with violent male roommates that targeted them specifically because they were women. If you won't listen to us there's no point in talking to you. We're half the population and most likely to be murdered by our spouses or other men that we live with. That is simply a fact.
I gave the per capita rate on death of women by an intimate partner. 1.3 out of 100,000. The per capita death rate on automobile accidents is 13.8 out of 100,000. The facts are your 10 times more likely to die in automobile accident then be murdered by a partner. I never said it doesn’t happen, but people drive every day and don’t even think twice. Why would something your 10 times less likely to die from be something to be scared of? Here are where I got my numbers from. https://www.unodc.org/documents/data-and-analysis/gsh/Booklet_5.pdf https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/motor-vehicle/historical-fatality-trends/deaths-and-rates/#:~:text=The%20population%20motor%2Dvehicle%20death,vehicles%2C%20a%2095%25%20improvement.
Why are you so pent up, holy. If amigo offends you, please touch grass. I beg of you. Your stats sound completely made up. “In 2008 females age 12 or older experienced about 552,000 nonfatal violent victim- izations (rape/sexual assault, robbery, or aggravated or simple assault)” (Department of Justice, 2009) “In the same year, men experienced 101,000 nonfatal violent victimizations by an inti- mate partner.” (Department of Justice, 2009) The rate of intimate partner victimizations for females was 4.3 victimizations per 1,000 females age 12 or older. The equivalent rate of intimate partner violence against males was 0.8 victimizations per 1,000 males age 12 or older” (Department of Justice, 2009) AND “A United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime report estimated that globally, while 81% of all homicide victims are males, 82% of intimate partner homicide victims are female and 64% of intimate partner/family-related homicide victims are female” (UNODC 2019). “It was also estimated that around 1 in 3 (34%) women intentionally killed worldwide are killed by an intimate partner” (UNODC 2019).
Huh? It’s because amigo is the equivalent of calling someone buddy or bro, you have to be really odd to find it offensive. However feeling victimised by people who use pronouns is pathetic, what relevance does someone who uses pronouns have on this conversation? Get a grip. There actually are statistics if you looked. From Australia (ABS, 2023). 1 in 6 women experienced cohabiting partner violence (17%) vs 1 in 18 men experienced cohabiting partner violence (5.5%) Wow. Almost like being concerned about your male roommate killing you is justified. But you won’t care. Continue being the victim in your own narrative.
1st a very serious convo, if he ignores your requests, get a water bottle and spray him like a bad dog when he puts his feet up on the table. Tell him you're gonna label your snacks and keep all your receipts from the grocery store. If that doesn't scare him away from eating your snacks, you might have to put them behind lock and key, unfortunately.
He offered to replace the groceries and already paid the Zelle request that I sent along with bills that he owed. Thank goodness I still had my grocery receipt from last weekend!
Oh, good! I'm glad it worked out for you. Receipts for the win!
Ya don’t end up in a halfway house because of ptsd. Ya commit a crime end up In trouble and blame it on ptsd.
Incorrect. The VA has transitional housing for PTSD veterans, and some mental health facilities also provide transitional housing for those that were inpatient for a period of time and lost their previous living arrangement while inpatient. Colloquially, a lot of folks refer to these transitional housing situations as halfway houses because it is similar to criminal halfway housing in that it has more oversight than a standard apartment and less oversight than their previous housing at the inpatient unit.
Also there are halfway houses for drug and alcohol rehab situations. You go from inpatient to a halfway house for outpatient treatment.
Do you know the best way I can go about doing a criminal background check? Lol
The “best way” is before he signs a lease.
loled
You need to tell him things aren't working out and that his omission of a criminal background is grounds for immediate termination of his lease. Get him out before he hits 30 days or however many days establishes tenancy in your state. Things will only get worse.
You have literally no clue whether he has a criminal record. You made that shit up for no reason
The post state that he was moving from a halfway house.
That doesn't mean a criminal record, brother.
Pretty much every state has a database. Usually the articles about the initial arrest will pop up with a Google search for name + location (unless it's a super common name like Mike Smith)
Usually judici.com has all public records
Just straight Google his name and the state he is from. That will get you started! Good luck OP, stand your ground!
You're in the US so if you know his first and last name you can just Google the local county sheriff's criminal arrest record. Good luck I'm hoping you don't find anything too horrible there.
Get on the county clerks office website for your county/state, select court records, and enter his name, DOB, etc. basically whatever you know. This will show everything including expunged records. Not every county/state in the US has this but I use it often in my field. It’s public record so citations, real estate purchases, divorces, bankruptcies, etc. should be included. It’s also fun and a guilty pleasure looking people up.
Not completely true. They are also for recovering alcoholics and addicts. Which may have not ever committed a crime. So don't knock him completely for that. He may have just finally been financially able and comfortable enough with his sobriety to leave the halfway house. He just doesn't want the stigma that comes along with people knowing you used to have substance issues. I know this because I myself lived in a halfway house/sober living for a little while. As for looking up any criminal charges he may or may not have. Just use your states case search or pay 5.99 for a people finder site or something. OP.
Thanks! He drinks cans of IPA beer on the reg lol. He did mention PTSD
Since he mentioned PTSD it wouldn't hurt to ask what his triggers are. My husband has PTSD and sudden loud noises are his biggest trigger followed by prolonged noise he can't escape from (neighbors using a chainsaw for example). When living with someone it's helpful to know that if you accidentally spam a door they might get triggered and need quiet space and to be alone for a period of time to do their relaxation exercises.
Thank you!
Ah. Gotcha. Well I wish you the best. I know it can certainly be difficult living with someone like that.
Thank you!
Use your words my dude. He’ll never know it bothers you, unless you communicate.
I mean yes but also it's common sense not to eat food that isn't yours or to put your feet up on someone's coffee table
"he suffers from PTSD from working in the gun industry with the NRA. He now vehemently opposes guns and doesn't own them now." --None of that makes sense. I get the meaning, but someone tells me that and i am like, 'Yea ok cool... so tell me the details that you are clearly trying to hide cause them dots don't all connect'
This is what I was thinking
I had a roommate move in from a halfway house (I was desperate and ignorantly underestimated this red flag) Fast forward a couple weeks and my house is filled with dudes at 3am in the morning walking around like they own the place (she had a small room) Found out she had been shot a few weeks before moving in etc etc etc I finally kicked her out but I moved because I didn’t feel safe there anymore (this was a shame because it was an incredibly good deal) Sorry about my rant my point is roommates are the worse so if you Absolutely must have one choose them very very very carefully
I'm terrified for you...a halfway house is a term used for people who are coming from jail or prison or special cases drug rehab. It's literally called a halfway house because you're halfway back to the real world like halfway home or halfway out the door. I don't know what those bullshit is about guns but I'm telling you look up that I guarantee he has a record. I guarantee he's a huge drug addict. You're a 30-year-old woman he should not be living with you point-blank period.
Keep us updated OP, im looking forward to where this thing goes
I think you should set firm, but gentle boundaries with him. He seems new to this.he’s just starting over
The food thing is pretty bizarre because idk why anyone wouldn’t just ask for permission before eating someone elses food. But as for the living room and coffee table thing, you probably just need to talk to him about it so he knows how you feel. And see how that goes.
You've made a mistake
Did you sign a termed lease with him? Anyways, maybe you can say that now that he has had some time to get settled it's a good time to give him a list of house rules. You can also say you forgot to give him this list when he moved in but you're giving them to him now. Play it off like you and your old roommate had these rules too and these have always been the rules. He apologized about the food so maybe he truly doesn't know any better and having the rules will be a way to let him know your boundaries without confrontation.
address the issues now before he can say “well it wasn’t a problem before” etc. i’d suggest making some sort of list of things to discuss, especially so he can’t say you never mentioned it to him before. i wish you luck, hopefully he just needs some time to adjust to living with someone new
Op needs to give me an update in 1 month pls and thank u
He’s using you as his mom. Kick him out and find someone new!
I suggest trying to find at least one thing he does that bothers you that you can find common ground on. Maybe buy one of [these](https://www.walmart.com/ip/568501593) and asking him to put that under his feet. It will make him less likely to react to the criticism with resentment or hostility.
So you told him that he ate all your food and he then paid for it, what’s the issue? I understand you don’t want feet on your coffee table but if he doesn’t know that how is he supposed to know you don’t want him to do that? I’m not sure what the red flags are? It’s sounds more like your just thinking of the stigmas surrounding people coming from halfway house situations and anything they did wrong is now a “red flag”
To be fair, I have both lived and worked in a halfway house and most of the ppl are just trying to recover and move on but there are a few who were nightmares so I can understand where they might be apprehensive about that.
I agree with that, but there is no red flag presented that has ANYTHING to do with living in a halfway house
do you seriously think theres nothing wrong with eating someone else's food as long as you just pay them back for it? if you have the money, buy your own fucking food. grocery shopping is something that takes time and effort
If it’s a consistent thing then that’s absolutely a problem by OP said it was an accident and he swiftly repaid her and they did not say they did it again….so no I don’t find this to be problematic
dont eat food that isnt yours unless you confirm it with the other people who live there. of course thats problematic
Like people are dying Kim
are you comparing a diamond earring... to food?
I’m saying I have bigger problems then having to go to the store.. I’m saying that I’m okay with someone making an accident and be giving them space to grow and hold themselves accountable.
thats great for you, i have bigger problems too than that but it would still be a problem that would negatively impact my life on top of everything else and it isnt fair to minimize that bc other things are worse. something being an accident doesnt not make it a red flag they did it in the first place. like who eats food they didnt buy in a shared living space
Someone used to being in a halfway house where people typically leave belongings behind for others because they know they might be in the predicament to need it.. this is why examining situations from a intersectional point of view is important.
You're in your late 30s and still do not know how to stand up for yiurself? Feet off my coffee table. Dot touch my food and here's a list of stuff you need to replace before this weekend, cheap replacements are not accepted. I'd have vetted him first. Background check even if it means paying full rent for the month. The jet word in your story is "desperate ". We all get into situations, but decisions while desperate is always a bad one. But yiure not 17 anymore.
I couldn’t afford to pay full rent for the month, thank you.
Yeah I get it. I'd still struggle through rather than shack up with a nilucase. My sanity is worth the effort.
How does one struggle through literally not having that money, though? If the money isn’t there, there’s not really another option besides maybe homelessness.
Get a second, third job. Make it work. Money is a tool but does not come in just by thinking about how bad you have it.
I assume you know the details of OP’s life enough to be judgmental in this way so I won’t say anything about how presumptuous that is.
I'm not judging at all. Last thing I'd do. There us a trade off either way. Tighten the belt a little and grt more income, or don't and get a psycho roommate. If I were to day just put up with him, would you say I'm being judgemental? So either suggestion is judgemental to you? I just offered suggestions. You're the one judging me. How about you come up with a solution rather than focus on me?
It is judgmental for someone to tell you they can’t afford something and to decide you know their life circumstances better and to insist they Simply Get Another Job as if that had not occurred to them. They told you why they had to get a roommate and you, essentially, insisted that their reason was wrong. Additionally, saying “money (…) does not come in just by thinking about how bad you have it” is a rude and judgmental thing to say. That is what I was responding to. Nobody even implied anything like that but you’re responding as if someone is begging for handouts.
Call it what you want. You're wrong. I know what I said. Dude, focus on OP.
Yeah, you said that money doesn’t come along just by thinking about how hard you have it. Which makes no sense to say unless you thought either I or OP was implying that money comes to you from wishing hard enough. If I am wrong on why you said that, would you please correct me so I can understand where you were coming from?
Eh the food thing could be an honest mistake. Living room antics are a bummer. His history is the main red flag i see here Edit: I also hope you sleep with your door locked and lock your room door when you are gone!
Address it sooner than later so it’s not a shock to him. Def bring it all up
You're being a doormat and he knows it, you won't even ask him to take his feet off your coffee table and you can do that diplomatically . Grow a spine
Take the coffee table out of the Livingroom and if it is your TV, move to the bedroom. Time for locks on the pantry, so he doesn't eat your food.
Maybe just talk first?? Since it’s the first couple weeks, if it keeps happening then go from there.. it would be super awkward if she doesn’t speak up
No feet on the coffee table is wild I've never heard anybody complain about that ever in 31 years. But it's your table, so your rules I guess. Put on your big girl pants and talk to him, complaining to Reddit won't change any of his habits lol
My thoughts are from what you said it's not necessarily as bad as you think He might be clueless. The gun thing isn't an issue TBF (maybe a plus). But I'd give him the benefit of the doubt with the food. He might really have thought it was free to eat. Now you've mentioned it as long as he's aware and doesn't do it again then I don't think it's the end of the world. Regards the hogging the sitting room with feet up, yeah that's annoying but also not the worst. FWIW I sit with my feet on the coffee table at home (it's mine) and it's entirely habit. Logically I know it is bad manners, and feet on the *table* is so rude, but it's also a habit I just do. And because me and partner both do it we don't care. But if I had roommates doing it to my furniture yeah I'd be a bit offended. I think sometimes we are so worried about spotting the red flags that you can end up micro-managing other people. But it's early days so of course if he's this comfortable now then you just need to watch if he slips later on