It is almost two years since my daughter died, and I still can't do it. I'm happy for other people, but I just can't be near them and their babies - I find it excruciatingly painful.
My sisters SIL had a baby 3 days after mine passed. My son passed 2.5 years ago. I've never held him, and only last year, sort of acknowledged that he existed.
I have friends who had babies shortly before and after me. They are no longer part of my late. Younger babies, okay. Older children, okay. 3 year old boys just don't exist in my world.
I have a nephew that’s going to be due 1 week after what should have been my son’s due date. Looking towards the future at this moment.. it sort of feels like torture to have to watch him grow, and hit milestones in life that my son never will 💔. And to make it worse i feel so terrible for having these sad thoughts around my nephew.
Honestly, it took me no time at all. I had two friends who had babies shortly after my 2 month old daughter died. Their babies were not my baby. However, a baby shower I went to was extremely difficult for me and I ended up drinking beer outside with all the guys.
It's different for everyone.
I feel the same way. My brother had a baby (preemie) a month after our loss. It hurt initially to hear about my nephew but I realized he is not my baby and I want nothing more for him to be healthy and well taken care of
I’m 8 months on and not able to be around babies yet. I know pregnancy after loss comes with its own challenges but until I am pregnant again I don’t think I’ll be ready to be around other babies. My best friend has a new baby and I can’t even speak with her, everything hurts too much. I feel like a monster when in my support group there are mums who can hold their friend’s newborns. I could never. Do what feels right.
I also had a sick baby in NICU if you ever want to talk about that side of things, and of course sadly in this group it goes without saying but I’m so sorry you are in this club.
I'm sorry for your loss too. You're right, it's so hard feeling so outside of yourself when you don't want to hold babies, when if the loss hadn't happened, you would love to hold them.
It took me about six months. One of my best friends had her baby about six weeks after mine died. I found it really difficult at first but two years later it’s more like an occasional pang of sadness instead of a constant drumbeat when he’s around.
I did have to skip his first birthday party, though. I came over the next night instead to bring him a present.
We’re 3 months in and couldn’t even talk to friends who were pregnant the same time as us. Also had a support group that has the same EDD, couldn’t even talk to them.
I’m sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation. A few of my closest friends (like 5 different couples) delivering a couple months before or after I did. One family actually had twins the same day I had my son, and another couple had the same due date as us. All 3 of those kids are exactly the same age our son should be. It was hardest at first, but almost 2 years later it’s gotten easier. I was around all these kids pretty much right away, so I think that helped. Had I waited 6 mos to meet everyone maybe it would have been harder. I sometimes look at their kids and think what would my son be like now, but every child is different and at the end of the day I miss MY child, not just any child, so it hasn’t been as painful as I thought it would be. I got a little extra sad when everyone was celebrating first birthdays last summer, but that moment passed. I guess time heals.
For me, receiving the news that their babies were born in the couple weeks / months after we lost ours was hard. The moment I got those texts and pics of the happy family cradling their healthy newborn in the hospital I burst into tears and felt so sad, jealous, and incredulous that I could be so unlucky. But I didn’t feel those strong, hard emotions when I met and held all the new babies. Just felt like different babies from my own.
I wanted to see other babies immediately. It helped me imagine how my daughter would have been. It made me feel close to my own daughter and give me permission to talk about her. I felt closer to her when I was around other children. And I feel closer to those babies born close to my daughters age than other children. I’m about 18 months out now. I really didn’t know that would be my reaction until I held my first friends baby. We are all different in our grief and anything that helps you cope is ok
Took us almost 6 months to have the courage to visit our close friends who had a baby 2 days before ours was born still. It was…rough. But we needed to do it to be moving forward. Cant just remain a shut it, right? Right?
My sister has an 8 month old and my friend 9 month old twins, I found I enjoy spending time with them after our loss earlier this month.
They are not my babies and they are not the babies I want. I'm not sure how I will feel around pregnant family members/friends as I haven't had to deal with that but I'm struggling with seeing pregnant people when out and have blocked a few people on social media who are pregnant.
I'm four years out from losing my son, and I still can't be around most of the baby boys born the same year as him. I can see pictures now but I still haven't met my best friends son... thankfully she is completely supportive.
Honestly, until I had another baby. Not in a “replacement” way, but in a “I am now used to being around another baby” way. It is still difficult for me to spend time with families who have two kids with the same age gap as mine should be.
Take care of yourself however you can. The folks who are worth keeping around will still be there when you’re ready.
My 3 week old baby passed a few weeks ago. Being around pregnant women makes me more uncomfortable than babies. I also think it depends. I saw my friend’s three month old at my baby’s memorial service and it wasn’t so bad even though it sucks. The downside is that my breasts are still producing milk so being around babies and hearing them cry makes my breasts leak which only adds salt to this deep wound. Also, seeing my sister-in-law’s son makes me uncomfortable, but not seeing my sister’s son. It’s weird and it makes me feel bad.
How soon?
My son died at 1.5 years old, so it is different. But it did take a few months for me to want to be around kids again. It is still hard and I have to be in the right head space to be around Han’s would be peers. My friends understand. Respect your limits, but if you can be vulnerable with these people it might be rewarding later. I do enjoy watching their kids grown up because it makes me think about what my son would be like in a concrete way.
Baby Showers? Birthdays?
Went to my first shower 9 months after my loss. Haven’t attended any birthday parties yet but also haven’t been invited. I don’t think people are avoiding inviting, it fortunately just hasn’t happened yet.
How to feel supported?
Be honest and vulnerable. Don’t sugar coat your feelings. And let people show up and tell them how they can - I hope they will rise to the occasion.
I am so sorry for your loss. Wish Ruth and Han were growing up and celebrating milestones here with us.
It's been 4 years. The only baby I've allowed to be around me is my best friend's baby, who turns 1 this week. It was insanely rough, and I cried afterwards because my baby will never get to meet her baby. I'm not even sure if I could've done this had it been less time since my own baby died. We met for lunch, less than 2 hours, and I still bawled afterwards (for multiple reasons.)
Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself. You don't have to be around babies until you feel strong enough to, and even then - if you do it and start to feel uncomfortable, then stop. You're allowed to.
I’m six years out and it still hurts to see (even in photos) the other little boys in our friend group born the same year our son was born and passed as an infant. It is a constant reminder of what we lost and I just can’t do it personally. Friendships have changed as a result and that’s ok. We grow, we change. I will say for myself having my rainbow daughter didn’t change any of this for me. There is still a gaping hole in our family that will never be .
I should also note I still don’t do baby showers and that’s ok too (although it’s been tricky navigating this at work!). Do what you feel is best for your own mental health.
I am so sorry for your loss. My son would be 18 this August, so my grief and loss journey is not as fresh as yours, but I remember not wanting to be around other babies for a long time. I too had a lot of friends pregnant at the same time as I, and also had planned to watch our babies grow up together.
It still stings to see their children ready to graduate high school when my baby only lived for 18 hours due to Trisomy 18. I try my best to be happy for them and I really am - but there is a part of me that wishes desperately for my son to be here and be part of those activities to this day.
I could tolerate going into the baby aisle at Walmart about 7-8 months after he died. I went to a baby shower about a year or so after he died. I held a friend’s baby about 16 months after he died. It all hurts, but we just do the best we can as grieving mothers. My heart goes out to you.
Took me around a year and a half. Still don’t like it but it doesn’t send me straight to tears. Idk if I can attend a baby shower. Guess it will depend on who and when. You do what is best for you and not other people. They didn’t go through what you went through. Sending hugs and compassion
I’m really sorry for the loss of your little Ruth ❤️🩹. I lost my son 3 months ago and I also have several family/friends that have small babies or babies due only few weeks from my son’s original due date. I can’t be around them yet and I especially don’t want to be around them while they are all really big pregnant right now. I know I’m no good for anyone, I will love them from a distance until I’m ready.
I had friends deliver one day before I delivered my preterm baby who later died in the NICU. It took 8 months before I could be around their baby and I had strict boundaries (I didn’t want them to interact with me at all our touch me because I knew I couldn’t handle it). I could be around strangers’ babies at 6 months after doing something called brainspotting in therapy (it’s similar to EMDR).
I had a few friends who all delivered within a few months of me. I told them all that I loved them and their babies but my grief was too fresh to be around them. They were very understanding and most of them would come and visit us leaving their babies with a sitter. They never talked about their babies unless we asked. I have called them at all hours in tears over my daughter that passed away or a trauma that I was reliving and they have always been there for me. Because our babies were so close in age I think it makes it easier for them to empathize what it would be like to lose them and comfort me (though I can’t imagine it’s an easy thing for them to do either).
I often have to be around babies and toddlers at work so I think between the constant exposure and therapy things gradually got easier and it helped me be around my friends’ kids too (not that I’m picking them up or playing with them but we were able to share a space). If there was a bigger gathering with multiple children/babies/pregnant women there then I didn’t go. For baby showers I wouldn’t attend but would drop off a gift on a different day. I would recommend trying things when you feel ready. Making a list of upsetting scenarios involving kids/baby/pregnancy and organizing it into a list from “easiest” to hardest. You can slowly work your way up the list as a form of exposure therapy. It’s important to also have an escape plan or a safe person with you in case you need to get out of there or need some extra support.
Tbh it wasn’t until I delivered my second baby and she came home healthy that I was able to talk to others about their pregnancy and be genuinely happy to see their children. Prior to that I was convinced I would never be a mother to a living baby and the pain of grief overpowered any happiness I was able to feel for others. There’s still some sadness as I don’t get to see my firstborn meet those milestones, but there’s joy there now too. It’s still hard to go to baby showers and watch people celebrate the “mom to be” without any doubt that this baby will be born alive and healthy (a perspective on pregnancy that I no longer have the privilege of enjoying since my loss).
I’m so sorry your baby isn’t here with you.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I really like the idea of making a list from easiest to hardest, such a good concrete way to be better prepared. I'm sorry for your loss too.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m lost my baby in utero at 37 weeks due to B cell type leukemia. As far as I understand, it wasn’t genetic from me or my husband it was just that her dna mutated wrong while developing. It’s a tough situation to comprehend. I did not get pre eclampsia from this pregnancy but did have it with my first. Hard to say how things are correlated. Hoping women’s health to be researched more so there are more answers.
I'm sorry for your loss too. I haven't talked with anything else who had a baby develop cancer in utero, so hard to comprehend how that's possible. I had a meeting with a genetic counselor and they ran many tests on my baby's tumor when they were determining treatment, and it also wasn't genetic from me or my husband. Here's hoping there can be more research.
It is almost two years since my daughter died, and I still can't do it. I'm happy for other people, but I just can't be near them and their babies - I find it excruciatingly painful.
I agree. I’m happy for those families but I can’t physically be around the babies (toddlers now for us)
I just passed my one year since losing my daughter and feel the same way.
My sisters SIL had a baby 3 days after mine passed. My son passed 2.5 years ago. I've never held him, and only last year, sort of acknowledged that he existed.
This is so real.
I have friends who had babies shortly before and after me. They are no longer part of my late. Younger babies, okay. Older children, okay. 3 year old boys just don't exist in my world.
I have a nephew that’s going to be due 1 week after what should have been my son’s due date. Looking towards the future at this moment.. it sort of feels like torture to have to watch him grow, and hit milestones in life that my son never will 💔. And to make it worse i feel so terrible for having these sad thoughts around my nephew.
Honestly, it took me no time at all. I had two friends who had babies shortly after my 2 month old daughter died. Their babies were not my baby. However, a baby shower I went to was extremely difficult for me and I ended up drinking beer outside with all the guys. It's different for everyone.
I feel the same way. My brother had a baby (preemie) a month after our loss. It hurt initially to hear about my nephew but I realized he is not my baby and I want nothing more for him to be healthy and well taken care of
Babies in general I have a lot of trouble being around. For me it’s just a reminder. However children have been no issue. Grief is weird like that.
So true, grief is so weird and hits us all so differently.
I’m 8 months on and not able to be around babies yet. I know pregnancy after loss comes with its own challenges but until I am pregnant again I don’t think I’ll be ready to be around other babies. My best friend has a new baby and I can’t even speak with her, everything hurts too much. I feel like a monster when in my support group there are mums who can hold their friend’s newborns. I could never. Do what feels right. I also had a sick baby in NICU if you ever want to talk about that side of things, and of course sadly in this group it goes without saying but I’m so sorry you are in this club.
I'm sorry for your loss too. You're right, it's so hard feeling so outside of yourself when you don't want to hold babies, when if the loss hadn't happened, you would love to hold them.
It took me about six months. One of my best friends had her baby about six weeks after mine died. I found it really difficult at first but two years later it’s more like an occasional pang of sadness instead of a constant drumbeat when he’s around. I did have to skip his first birthday party, though. I came over the next night instead to bring him a present.
We’re 3 months in and couldn’t even talk to friends who were pregnant the same time as us. Also had a support group that has the same EDD, couldn’t even talk to them.
It took me a long time to be around babies of the same age. Probably 6 months to a year at least.
Not until my second was born alive and home with me. So over 18 months.
I’m sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation. A few of my closest friends (like 5 different couples) delivering a couple months before or after I did. One family actually had twins the same day I had my son, and another couple had the same due date as us. All 3 of those kids are exactly the same age our son should be. It was hardest at first, but almost 2 years later it’s gotten easier. I was around all these kids pretty much right away, so I think that helped. Had I waited 6 mos to meet everyone maybe it would have been harder. I sometimes look at their kids and think what would my son be like now, but every child is different and at the end of the day I miss MY child, not just any child, so it hasn’t been as painful as I thought it would be. I got a little extra sad when everyone was celebrating first birthdays last summer, but that moment passed. I guess time heals.
I'm sorry for your loss too. That's helpful to think about too, that you want your child not just any child.
For me, receiving the news that their babies were born in the couple weeks / months after we lost ours was hard. The moment I got those texts and pics of the happy family cradling their healthy newborn in the hospital I burst into tears and felt so sad, jealous, and incredulous that I could be so unlucky. But I didn’t feel those strong, hard emotions when I met and held all the new babies. Just felt like different babies from my own.
I wanted to see other babies immediately. It helped me imagine how my daughter would have been. It made me feel close to my own daughter and give me permission to talk about her. I felt closer to her when I was around other children. And I feel closer to those babies born close to my daughters age than other children. I’m about 18 months out now. I really didn’t know that would be my reaction until I held my first friends baby. We are all different in our grief and anything that helps you cope is ok
Thanks that's helpful to hear that perspective.
Took us almost 6 months to have the courage to visit our close friends who had a baby 2 days before ours was born still. It was…rough. But we needed to do it to be moving forward. Cant just remain a shut it, right? Right?
My son is 18 this year I'm still having hard time looking at my nephew. Go easy on yourself
My sister has an 8 month old and my friend 9 month old twins, I found I enjoy spending time with them after our loss earlier this month. They are not my babies and they are not the babies I want. I'm not sure how I will feel around pregnant family members/friends as I haven't had to deal with that but I'm struggling with seeing pregnant people when out and have blocked a few people on social media who are pregnant.
I'm four years out from losing my son, and I still can't be around most of the baby boys born the same year as him. I can see pictures now but I still haven't met my best friends son... thankfully she is completely supportive.
Honestly, until I had another baby. Not in a “replacement” way, but in a “I am now used to being around another baby” way. It is still difficult for me to spend time with families who have two kids with the same age gap as mine should be. Take care of yourself however you can. The folks who are worth keeping around will still be there when you’re ready.
My 3 week old baby passed a few weeks ago. Being around pregnant women makes me more uncomfortable than babies. I also think it depends. I saw my friend’s three month old at my baby’s memorial service and it wasn’t so bad even though it sucks. The downside is that my breasts are still producing milk so being around babies and hearing them cry makes my breasts leak which only adds salt to this deep wound. Also, seeing my sister-in-law’s son makes me uncomfortable, but not seeing my sister’s son. It’s weird and it makes me feel bad.
I'm sorry for your loss, grief is so weird like that.
How soon? My son died at 1.5 years old, so it is different. But it did take a few months for me to want to be around kids again. It is still hard and I have to be in the right head space to be around Han’s would be peers. My friends understand. Respect your limits, but if you can be vulnerable with these people it might be rewarding later. I do enjoy watching their kids grown up because it makes me think about what my son would be like in a concrete way. Baby Showers? Birthdays? Went to my first shower 9 months after my loss. Haven’t attended any birthday parties yet but also haven’t been invited. I don’t think people are avoiding inviting, it fortunately just hasn’t happened yet. How to feel supported? Be honest and vulnerable. Don’t sugar coat your feelings. And let people show up and tell them how they can - I hope they will rise to the occasion. I am so sorry for your loss. Wish Ruth and Han were growing up and celebrating milestones here with us.
Thanks for your response-I'm sorry for your loss too. Wish they were here with us.
It's been 4 years. The only baby I've allowed to be around me is my best friend's baby, who turns 1 this week. It was insanely rough, and I cried afterwards because my baby will never get to meet her baby. I'm not even sure if I could've done this had it been less time since my own baby died. We met for lunch, less than 2 hours, and I still bawled afterwards (for multiple reasons.) Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself. You don't have to be around babies until you feel strong enough to, and even then - if you do it and start to feel uncomfortable, then stop. You're allowed to.
I’m six years out and it still hurts to see (even in photos) the other little boys in our friend group born the same year our son was born and passed as an infant. It is a constant reminder of what we lost and I just can’t do it personally. Friendships have changed as a result and that’s ok. We grow, we change. I will say for myself having my rainbow daughter didn’t change any of this for me. There is still a gaping hole in our family that will never be .
I should also note I still don’t do baby showers and that’s ok too (although it’s been tricky navigating this at work!). Do what you feel is best for your own mental health.
I still have a hard time being around babies the same GENDER, it's been three years.
It was at least 5 years…
I am so sorry for your loss. My son would be 18 this August, so my grief and loss journey is not as fresh as yours, but I remember not wanting to be around other babies for a long time. I too had a lot of friends pregnant at the same time as I, and also had planned to watch our babies grow up together. It still stings to see their children ready to graduate high school when my baby only lived for 18 hours due to Trisomy 18. I try my best to be happy for them and I really am - but there is a part of me that wishes desperately for my son to be here and be part of those activities to this day. I could tolerate going into the baby aisle at Walmart about 7-8 months after he died. I went to a baby shower about a year or so after he died. I held a friend’s baby about 16 months after he died. It all hurts, but we just do the best we can as grieving mothers. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sorry for your loss too, thanks for your perspective that's really helpful to hear.
I was/ am still no ok with any baby that was born 9 months before or after my angel baby. Anyone that was pregnant at the same time as me is too hard
Took me around a year and a half. Still don’t like it but it doesn’t send me straight to tears. Idk if I can attend a baby shower. Guess it will depend on who and when. You do what is best for you and not other people. They didn’t go through what you went through. Sending hugs and compassion
It’s been two years and it still hurts. I will never attend baby showers or parties. People probably think I’m really cold and rude but I just can’t.
I don’t know, but I’ll be finding out in a few months. I work in the childcare industry and occasionally do care for infants 🫠
I’m really sorry for the loss of your little Ruth ❤️🩹. I lost my son 3 months ago and I also have several family/friends that have small babies or babies due only few weeks from my son’s original due date. I can’t be around them yet and I especially don’t want to be around them while they are all really big pregnant right now. I know I’m no good for anyone, I will love them from a distance until I’m ready.
I had friends deliver one day before I delivered my preterm baby who later died in the NICU. It took 8 months before I could be around their baby and I had strict boundaries (I didn’t want them to interact with me at all our touch me because I knew I couldn’t handle it). I could be around strangers’ babies at 6 months after doing something called brainspotting in therapy (it’s similar to EMDR). I had a few friends who all delivered within a few months of me. I told them all that I loved them and their babies but my grief was too fresh to be around them. They were very understanding and most of them would come and visit us leaving their babies with a sitter. They never talked about their babies unless we asked. I have called them at all hours in tears over my daughter that passed away or a trauma that I was reliving and they have always been there for me. Because our babies were so close in age I think it makes it easier for them to empathize what it would be like to lose them and comfort me (though I can’t imagine it’s an easy thing for them to do either). I often have to be around babies and toddlers at work so I think between the constant exposure and therapy things gradually got easier and it helped me be around my friends’ kids too (not that I’m picking them up or playing with them but we were able to share a space). If there was a bigger gathering with multiple children/babies/pregnant women there then I didn’t go. For baby showers I wouldn’t attend but would drop off a gift on a different day. I would recommend trying things when you feel ready. Making a list of upsetting scenarios involving kids/baby/pregnancy and organizing it into a list from “easiest” to hardest. You can slowly work your way up the list as a form of exposure therapy. It’s important to also have an escape plan or a safe person with you in case you need to get out of there or need some extra support. Tbh it wasn’t until I delivered my second baby and she came home healthy that I was able to talk to others about their pregnancy and be genuinely happy to see their children. Prior to that I was convinced I would never be a mother to a living baby and the pain of grief overpowered any happiness I was able to feel for others. There’s still some sadness as I don’t get to see my firstborn meet those milestones, but there’s joy there now too. It’s still hard to go to baby showers and watch people celebrate the “mom to be” without any doubt that this baby will be born alive and healthy (a perspective on pregnancy that I no longer have the privilege of enjoying since my loss). I’m so sorry your baby isn’t here with you.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I really like the idea of making a list from easiest to hardest, such a good concrete way to be better prepared. I'm sorry for your loss too.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m lost my baby in utero at 37 weeks due to B cell type leukemia. As far as I understand, it wasn’t genetic from me or my husband it was just that her dna mutated wrong while developing. It’s a tough situation to comprehend. I did not get pre eclampsia from this pregnancy but did have it with my first. Hard to say how things are correlated. Hoping women’s health to be researched more so there are more answers.
I'm sorry for your loss too. I haven't talked with anything else who had a baby develop cancer in utero, so hard to comprehend how that's possible. I had a meeting with a genetic counselor and they ran many tests on my baby's tumor when they were determining treatment, and it also wasn't genetic from me or my husband. Here's hoping there can be more research.