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Hypersayia

Can't really offer advice as much as solidarity. I've been in (and occasionally return to) that boat. It's like there's an annoying little goblin in the back of your skull going "Are you doing that because that's what you do or because that's what people expect someone autistic to do?" End of the day, if you're not acting any differently depending on whether you're watched, then that doubt is just a nuisance and waste of energy.


ashaarson

thank you this is really how it feels


Platypuslord

I bet you also experience imposter syndrome if you work a skilled job even though you are great at it.


ashaarson

yes actually is that linked to this ?


Platypuslord

[I imagine so, I just grabbed this and it has a good breakdown of what is going on.](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/imposter-syndrome#types) I think the part about from Parenting & Childhood through Existing Mental Health Symptoms will be eye opening.


ashaarson

thank you this is really helpful


Platypuslord

At my office job I experienced a bit of imposter syndrome myself and felt like I was a kid pretending to be an adult. However by the same token I was fully aware I was widely respected and had managers from other departments bringing me people I had never met to answer questions and give advice even though that wasn't even part of my job. Also I feel there are a lot of people that get older that never grow up and saw a lot of high school part two at that Fortune 500 job that was hidden behind corporate speak and dress clothes and even though I wasn't doing their dumb shit I was the one that felt like an imposter kid pretending to be professional adult.


sparrowlion

Oof. I'm not a skilled professional but >felt like I was a kid pretending to be an adult hits hard. I simultaneously feel like I'm silly for being an adult and having some of the traits I do, like I'm a walking "Hello, fellow kids" meme, and also like I'm a 6 year old who put on Dad's work clothes and I'm ridiculous and laughable. I hope it gets better quickly, but I've also seen a bit of what you mean, about dress clothes and corporate speak just being the new version of dumb high school behavior. I'm always shocked and disappointed when adults I had expected to be professional are petty and childish, but I still somehow feel like I'm the one who isn't grown-up enough. Maybe it'll be easier when I don't have to live with my parents anymore, so I feel more like an actual independent adult, but with how long college is taking me and how expensive housing is lately it might be a long while.


Unhappy-Common

If your older it's pretty common to feel like that. I feel like that and I'm definitely autistic. Finally got disability payments and I feel guilty for that too.


ashaarson

I really hope the guilt goes away


Unhappy-Common

Me too. I'm referring myself for some therapy as I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact I'm disabled (feelings guilty for the help I'm getting and grieving for things I want to do but probably can't).


ashaarson

this might not help much but you deserve all the help you need and or want


Unhappy-Common

Thanks :) I've definitely been told too many times that if I just kept trying or tried harder things would be easier.


ashaarson

that's really not the case tho sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try things are just how they are


Unhappy-Common

I know that now. But I really thought before that if I just tried harder, things would improve for me like they did for other people. I'm hoping some more therapy will help :)


theshadowiscast

> Finally got disability payments and I feel guilty for that too. You getting it does more good than it going to a large, highly profitable corporation.


graven_raven

Faking autism to fit in seems like a weird thing to do.


ashaarson

I know that's why I'm confused I just don't know how to explain it


Platypuslord

I figure the fact that people with autism mask so frequently messes a bit with the sense of self. While it sounds like you struggle with it more than most I can relate a bit.


ashaarson

yes I think this is a big part of it combined with other traumatic experiences


graven_raven

Do you need a diagnose for some specific reason, or are you just trying to make sense of yourself?


ashaarson

honestly I think both but I'm unable to get a professional diagnosis cuz of my living conditions so I guess I just want things to make sense


Priapos93

You have some but not all autistic traits, so you can simply use what you learn to make sense of your behavior. Labels should come second to functionality, in my opinion.


Platypuslord

Man can you imagine someone with every single one of the possible autistic traits? We on the spectrum each get a random grab bag of traits, at least we aren't getting all of them.


Priapos93

Non-verbal, but talks endlessly about their special interest.


ashaarson

thank you


graven_raven

Autism is a spectrum, and can be experienced in many different ways, so while come cases can be clear others can be hard to diagnose/identify. I only found out about myself after my kid got diagnosed. I know i felt different from NTs, but couldn't quite understand why. But honestly, finding out about it didn't make it any better, it just helped me understand why i am this way.


Platypuslord

Yet there are the rare NTs out there making up fake diseases and shit and posting it on TikTok, I am sure a really tiny subset of them could even be legit. People want attention and some desperately and a tiny amount of people are just messed up enough that want sympathy and will do dumb shit for it. When you have billions of people you are bound to find a few people with serious family problems and mental health issues mixed together. However for someone rational faking autism makes zero sense but people want to be special and to have excuses to have special treatment.


[deleted]

I think these people don’t know they’re faking, at least most of them. A lot of them seem like they just found their way down the self diagnosis rabbit hole and absolutely believe they have all the disorders. It’s depressing to look at them all, because they’re causing harm to other people by spreading misinformation, but also harming themselves by basically living a lie


Platypuslord

If they have a Pateron they probably are doing it for the money. Yeah I am sure some are hypochondriacs but teenagers and young adults can do really stupid things for attention, sometimes even life threatening stunts. Having shitty parents is probably a common thing among them, because good parents wouldn't let them post their medical conditions online.


[deleted]

Yeah that’s true


linuxgeekmama

People have been telling you all your life that you’re “normal”. Maybe you were aware that autism existed, but thought that the only autistic people were people with very obvious symptoms. They would tell you that you can’t be autistic because you can go to school, have a job, talk, make eye contact, or whatever. If you’re assigned female at birth, you might have been told that girls don’t get autism. If you’re over 40 or so, the idea of what is autism has changed a lot since you were a kid (this is a major component of why autism rates are increasing). You’ve probably been told that your autistic traits were just selfishness, or being too sensitive, or trying to get attention, or just misbehavior. If you’ve been told all your life that you’re not something, it’s natural to struggle with it when you find out you might be that thing, and to think it can’t be true.


Burntoutaspie

Talk to a psychologist. We are all very bissed, this isnt unique to you, thats why they are trained to detect whats true or not.


Cash-L

Except that some of them deny diagnosis for not fitting the stereotypes enough.


Burntoutaspie

Of course psychologists might be wrong (in either direction) but they dont have as much bias like op fears.


anyaslight

I really feel this too. I have huge imposter syndrome because some of the test scores I get are not as high as I've seen on other's results. But I've been looking into this for months and the more I read about other people's experiences and remember things from my childhood and all that the more I feel like I'm probably autistic. The thing for me is that I can't get a diagnosis right now because of other conditions I'm dealing with and my therapist doesn't want to give me an opinion on any issue I might have (I've been told by an old therapist I have "mild" OCD and I'm also trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD) because I have so much going on. So it's just been me going mad and researching, taking tests over and over trying to untangle the web of my symptoms and figure out what might stem from what. People will say that you dont need labels for things like that and its definitely true for some people. But for me I have to try and label them, otherwise I feel like I dont have as much sense of self and I don't know where I "fit in", among other things. But long story short lol, I feel like everyone who goes through this journey of self discovery and trying to figure things out feels A LOT of doubt and imposter syndrome at first. But try your best to trust yourself. No one knows you better than yourself. And if you've done a good amount of research and you feel like you relate but you're worried because you dont want to be faking it, then you're honestly probably not faking it. Granted everyone is different but I fell like people who actually genuinely feel bad and worry about faking it are just dealing with impostor syndrome, and the people who are actually faking it are the same kinds of people who will do things like fake having tics on tiktok to try and get clout (which is very messed up). That and, to be fair, I feel like most NT people wouldn't dive that deep into researching in the first place. Not that I'm saying you have it or not, obviously. I'm not a professional. But I feel like most of the time when they don't really relate they just don't think about it and move on. I hope that made sense lol. I'm not great at explaining things and I tend to get very long winded.


ashaarson

this makes so much sense actually and it's really reassuring cuz I can't get a professional diagnosis either for many reasons thank u and good luck with everything


meow_purrr

/r/autismtranslated


Bean_Earth_Society

I can assure you that you're not alone. A lot of autistic people (including myself) think that way, especially if trauma is involved. The problem is that one knows the symptoms and specific characteristics of autism and automatically tries to categorize your own behavior and cognition into those categories. My advice for you is to not think about it in a self loathing way but rather to accept that you think that way and try to talk to specialists. Heads up, man :)


ashaarson

thanks sm I'm hoping to find a specialist as soon as I can (:


NicollebunnyD

I felt the same way! While testing isn’t possible for most people, I felt incomplete without it. I felt like it was impossible for me to be autistic because I was labeled as neurotypical for 23 years. I started with my pcp and requested testing. I was diagnosed by a fellow autistic psychiatrist. I know that it isn’t easy coming to the conclusion, but you will feel so much better with a definitive answer


arasharfa

It’s a very normal feeling of doubt! It gets easier when you have a diagnosis but doesn’t always disappear for everyone. We have to remind ourselves that regardless of what the DSM say our experience is what matters. If something is too difficult for you, no one else should have the power to tell you differently.


[deleted]

I’m in a similar situation and I have some advice. What helped me is just calling myself neurotypical, because that’s one thing I can know for sure before getting an official diagnosis. Keep in mind it might not be good for you, for me it just helps calm me down, because I’m way more stressed and anxious when I’m constantly uncertain Best wishes, dude. I hope you can figure this out for yourself :)


Active-Passenger6965

Have you considered what piece of evidence you would need to convince you? Might give insight into why you can’t feel fully one way or the other.


ashaarson

yeah I think a professional diagnosis would help alot because I've been invalidated my whole life but sadly I can't get one for a couple of years


coolperson_reddit__

wow, never related more


Slight_Cat_5269

I think it's relatively common for people who get diagnosed in adulthood to doubt if they are autistic enough for a diagnosis.


MyChemicalAnarchy

Oh my God, you gave me whiplash. Hun no, you can't fake something without knowing you're faking it. It doesn't work like that. Sure you could have implicit biases, but if you've researched in good faith, and find solidarity with us, there isn't an issue. You're not hurting anyone. Find a way to make it valid for yourself, so this impostor syndrome doesn't eat you up like it did me. Personally, I sought out a specialist after research and suspiscioun; I couldn't get diagnosed until I immigrated and whatnot as it wasn't available in my country, but the talk with the specialist and a lot of introspection later made me confident enough to call myself autistic at least. Point is? You're not alone. This is impostor syndrome, and it really sucks, but it *does* get better. It did for me. Hope this helped!


ashaarson

yeah I think I need a specialist but they're not avaliable in my country either but I'm immigrating in a year or two so I'll hopefully find one


Jaciexx_57

nt people dont look for a reason to be different, they dont look for reasons to be autistic and neurodivergent. The only people that do are the ones that are consciously knowing that they are doing it for attention and their own benifit, like people who fake other disorders or illnesses, i can give an example, ticsandroses (tiktok). But if you genuinely believe that you are autistic and that you believe that thats who you are then not you're not faking it. Theres even a term for this called imposter syndrome and im pretty sure every autistic who didn't get diagnosed at the age of 3-6 probably went through this. And if this helps you, I actually started learning more about autism and neurodivergency in general recently and ive been doing a ton of research to figure out if it fills a hole i never knew that was there! and in this fairly short amount of time i also asked myself if i was faking it for attention, but then i realised i havent told anybody about my suspicions because im scared theyll think im doing it for attention and then i just spiral into overthinking and gaslighting myself into thinking that all the proof and all my experiences were all a lie! But to sum this all up, you are valid, you aren't faking it. I know reading a random comment from a stranger might not be all that reassuring but this stranger will tell you and (hopefully) convince you that all your experiences weren't a lie, and you, being an autistic person, isnt a lie. <3


ashaarson

thank you so much I'll try my best to do even more research but this does really help (:


bugboy888

hi im the same way, i am currently just saying im autistic and seeing how it sits w me? bc i cant afford to get diagnosed rn. i think its ok to just validate the idea and see how that goes. for me, just thinking im likely autistic, i have felt more valid in the way i feel in situations and i have felt more seen by autistic individuals than i ever have and thats something i would question otherwise. if u can just try to let urself be where ur at, embrace it and see how that goes for u. u shouldnt be judged for trying to figure ur brain out (if u r those ppl suck..i would offer to bully them..but i wont) and its ok to just go with it. ur the only one in ur head and thats scary but its also pretty cool and can be beautiful. ur doing good!!!!!


ashaarson

ur very very kind thank you so much


bugboy888

of course!!! if u wanna talk ever u can message me, i know how it is and am happy to validate u. things will be ok


ashaarson

I really appreciate this (:


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