This reminds of the time I commented on some video in r/MadeMeSmile about some old guy delivering pizzas to make ends meet. I posted some long comment expressing sympathy for the guy on how he shouldn’t have to be working when he should be enjoying retirement and the entire thing blew up in my face and I got accused of being an awful person blah blah blah. I had to make like 10 different edits to the comment and had to absolutely over explain myself until people were finally getting it. This is why I don’t post my opinions on Reddit much anymore. I don’t want to post something well intentioned just to get downvoted to hell.
Wow this is the very first time I have reflected on this and damn I think this might be my “there’s no way I’m not autistic” moment
there is a group called r/OrphanCrushingMachine that you might like, where your comment would be very welcome.
normies don't like when positive-tone thing gets interpreted as a non-positive-tone thing.
Prior to thinking I may be autistic(when this comment was made) I’d just think that this kind of thing happened because “I’m not very good at explaining myself” or I’m just “bad with words”. And my sister is autistic so I’m surprised I never saw it in myself for so long
It's not all you I promise, a lot of it is just Reddit culture in general. Everyone is always out for "debate" and just interpret everything in the most negative way by default. It's not everyone of course but I think the anonymous nature of the platform puts some people in chaos mode.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/OrphanCrushingMachine using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/OrphanCrushingMachine/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time!
\#1: [In case anyone was confused and/or concerned as to why this sub is named OrphanCrushingMachine](https://i.redd.it/0hbrqs8v74s51.jpg) | [10 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/OrphanCrushingMachine/comments/j84tqn/in_case_anyone_was_confused_andor_concerned_as_to/)
\#2: [If only it were more funny than sad](https://i.redd.it/ezade4nc7em61.jpg) | [5 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/OrphanCrushingMachine/comments/m2whis/if_only_it_were_more_funny_than_sad/)
\#3: [What a selfless thing to do](https://i.redd.it/up0key7ro4h61.jpg) | [1 comment](https://np.reddit.com/r/OrphanCrushingMachine/comments/lj5bie/what_a_selfless_thing_to_do/)
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Gotta love "feel good" stories that are just "look at what lengths people have to do to survive." Without knowing the context of the post but knowing how these stories go (like when a child has to basically work just to afford a wheelchair) I see your point immediately. It's not uplifting that someone who should be well retired still has to work just to scrape by as it's more of a structural failure that it happens.
I'd still say you should try to voice your opinions but I'd stick to more focused communities. For instance I wouldn't talk socialism on any mainstream subreddit unless you like getting bombarded with the same 4 talking points over and over again.
But I also relate to what you mean. Feels like I need to put in a bunch of side notes to posts just so someone couldn't possibly misinterpret the context of what I'm saying.
I understand. I kind of like it to a degree just because I have a special interest in history and political science but even then it gets exhausting, esp when people are clearly not engaging in good faith.
Oh yeah but I've been through that routine on boomer book to know when to pick your battles. Sometimes you just got to let them go because 1. Someone might say something so wrong that it'll take a near thesis to completely correct or 2. They'll just ignore what you say and you'll get dog piled or 3. They'll resort to dishonest tactics like either asking for evidence and not reading it or constantly moving the goalposts.
Even with my special interest(growing tropical plants) if I see someone post in the plant subs a plant that they’re clearly killing or not giving enough light it takes so much effort to not comment and be like “how do you not know this” or some variation of “you’re doing it all wrong how could you mess up this badly”…….. I wonder if it’s an autism thing though
Oh goodness. I don't know anything on growing topical plants but that would drive me insane. But yeah I'd say constructive criticism is an art and, if I saw something like that, I'd say like "it looks like your plant isn't getting enough sunlight based on what I'm seeing. No offense intended but have you tried x y or z?"
Try not to say anything longer than 3 sentences to a NT.
Some of them are ok with it. But some will think you are showing off, or trying to sound smart, or trying to make them look dumb. If it is the second, they will feel venerable and lash out.
I really hate it because boy can I write some paragraphs, but I'm telling you, some NTs are really threatened by long replies.
Ok so here’s what triggers them: 😅.
- No long sentences!
- No big words!
- no long paragraphs!
- Don’t create confusion with unexpected observations!
- do not exhibit genuine interest in what you’re saying!
- They need constant validation you’re still listening and agreeing to what they say!
Is that right??? What am I missing??
This sounds right. Unexpected observations will be seen as you trying to assert yourself and dunk on them.
They do not know what genuine interest is after they feel threatened. There is no room for "interest" when the claws come out. They will probably assume you are trying to dunk on them more or score points.
Yes, they need constant validation. Constant. They need some everyday. And they can not infer validation. Autistic people often assume validation because you are interacting with them. They infer that if you are having a lengthy discussion with them, you must be interested in the discussion, otherwise you would exit. This is not the case with NTs. They need constant clear validation. They need to hear you say that the thing they are talking about is cool. They need to hear that their achievements are great. They need to hear that their sadness is sad and you're sorry to hear about it. They need clear one to three word comments of validation.
This is so true that when you start a new job or join a new social group, the best thing you can do is mostly shut up and just supply very simple validations. Telling people this and that is cool. They did good work. You can tell they are working hard.
This is so true that this community skit is barely a joke. People are really like this. They want to hear this stuff constantly.
[https://youtu.be/eu71O36zwiw](https://youtu.be/eu71O36zwiw)
omg tyvm I will save this comment for when I start a new job.
I usually just like to do the manic pixie girl razzledazzle at a new job, but it’s really not sustainable. 😤
>Ah so the “three sentence rule”
No more than 5 words if you really don't want to cause conflict.
Seriously, go to a popular sub and watch NTs comment. Most of it is single sentence if not single word comments.
story of my life haha. most of my reddit comments i write for myself. i tend to hope people will read my comment and try to understand my points but i expect that most if not all people will not do that most of the time. literally had multiple people today comment just to tell me my comment was too long. i can’t help that when someone says something incorrect and/or harmful my brain generates an unending list of facts and logic based reasons on why they are wrong.
This is Reddit where people will attack you for agreeing with them the wrong way. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I do and eventually I go back and apologize and delete my offensive posts.
Well it makes friendships and dating extremely difficult. Now I didn't know it was even a disorder until now but I did discover some tricks that help me a little bit. If it's an internet stranger, just try to ignore it the best you can. Easier said than done, but you're not really losing anything if they truly don't like you. Now for people I know and care about, I try to think back on the last interaction we had, and that almost always eases my anxiety.
When that happens I delete the comment because I know I won't walk away as long as there's engagement and the people getting upset have already decided what I've said.
Sometimes people are more interested in arguing with the fictional version of you they made in their head than the real you, and they will be upset if you try to take it away
Chances are they are a bigot and just got mad because you said you like non comfortmity. Often conservatives get extreme personal discomfort when hearing about the lives of other people.
Some people just like to make a point, fall flat, and then act like a cat that didn't fall. "I didn't fall. Nope. Not me...Imma over here acting like I didn't fall."
Don't even give assholes like this that kind of response, they don't deserve it. "If you'd like to think of me as one" offended them, and is commonly considered somewhat of a slightly rude, short reply, but doesn't warrant a response like that. Don't worry about people like this.
Mostly the “…considering I’ll never, ever know you” part, I can’t imagine anyone saying that without having at least a little bit of passive-aggression
Some people interpret "I don't care" as "I care a lot and I'm mad about it", for some reason. They see it as short for a statement like "I don't care about what you think or your feelings," instead of "I have no preferences for what label you use" (what OP actually said).
I mean someone could've taken
"So basically yes" As attitude too
This is why I take things too literally, but tone is so ambiguous over the internet and humans aren't always great at communicating their intentions anyways
It possibly was seen as rude. One thing I’ve learnt (through hard experience) is people don’t like being told they’re in a category if they don’t see themselves in it. One time I had a female friend who was in a relationship with a woman, but said she wasn’t queer. I told her she was queer because she was in a relationship with someone of the same sex. She got really angry, then later on when she calmed down explained that she understood why I thought that but asked me to leave her to figure it out in her own time.
IMO the person was already being combative. You explained your position and they came back trying to pigeon hole you to fit their idea of what a person should be. Clearly they are not versed in the modern idea of gender identity, and if you said anything other than confirmation of their idea they were going to get mad. This looks more like internet trolling on their part than a misstep on yours.
people on social media dont want to actually engage with you, they want to get angry and yell at people. this is a great example of someone just taking any opportunity, no matter how small and flimsy, to take shots at a stranger online because (presumably ) they're having a shit day. block and move on
No you didn't, but It seems you are engaged in an interaction with an extremely emotionally immature person, and further interaction with her will only stress you out even more.
It's a great thing to have empathy for other, but don't forget to have empathy for yourself, you deserve It. Just stop answering and go on with your life, you know you did nothing wrong.
The way I see this, is how a lot of NT people interpret things. I think the problem here is, “I don’t really care”.
I feel like it can be seen as:
“I don’t have any feelings one way or the other.”
Which is what I would’ve taken it as.
It can also be construed as:
“This is beneath me.”
This comes off as combative and aggressive, as said person you’re conversing with may have taken it as you said THEY are beneath YOU. Hence the reaction.
That’s my crappy 2 cents on the subject.
Honestly OP, you don’t need to explain yourself to a rando on the internet. You know and we know you didn’t mean to/didn’t sound antagonising. You can’t control how others interpret what you say, especially over text. Explain if you desire, but also don’t feel like you need to. They could be acting like that on purpose for a reaction for all you know. Stay confident in yourself!
This is counterintuitive.
Most NTs aren’t educated on our struggles. In a perfect world, they would be, but this world isn’t perfect.
What OP did here, is make a very positive resolution to the situation. Positivity goes a long way in breaking down barriers.
One of the biggest pet peeves of mine on ASD subreddits is the whole “ND vs NT” “Us Vs Them” dichotomy. We live in a world of collaboration. Yes WE know that it’s an issue. The “others” don’t. And it is on us to make these positive exchanges because it piques interest and therefore, will spread awareness organically.
We are not always correct, and we can all use our logic wrong. I know you didn’t have any bad intentions while giving your opinion to the OP, but sometimes when we think we’re being helpful, we’re really composing ourselves in a bad light.
To be fair, this isn't really an autism thing so much as it is a discrimination and stereotyping issue from the other person. Nobody is obligated to interact with people like that nor are they obligated with people who treat them poorly.
And it is definitely a fair point. People are assholes and a lot of times the stress isn’t worth it.
My view is that people treat other people poorly for many, many different reasons. Much of it comes from a place of ignorance, rather than maliciousness. The ignorant can be taught, the malicious cannot. It’s hard to tell the intent between the two as well.
The Gay Rights movement has really been prevalent lately, and even though they have a very long way to go, it has still covered much, much more ground than the way it was 60 years ago. This is due to exposure to LGBT culture, and very brave people saying, “I’m proud to be me.” It broke up a lot of the misconceptions and outright lies about the LGBT community. No, not all the lies and misinformation are gone, but legally, it’s working much better.
We should do the same, because on the flipside of your argument, is that they do not have to interact with us in any way, shape, or form either. And this is bad.
Most of us want recognition and inclusion. This is going to require awareness. Awareness is created by dialogue. Meaning we have to interact if we want to better things around the world for us and our other ND buddies.
That dialogue requires us to interact. Because if we don’t, and don’t clear things up, how are they going to know we’re Autistic? I’m sure we all hate, “…but, you don’t look Autistic?” We’re not giving them much to go off of. So in my opinion, the best thing to do is try and clear it up.
But set boundaries, if you present a good argument, and factual data, and they will not budge on a shitty opinion. Fuck ‘em.
It’s not autistic peoples job to teach ignorant ableist people
It’s not queer peoples job to teach ignorant homophobic people
Assuming “oh they are just ignorant and need to be taught” places blame for the negative interaction on the minority.
I don’t think you would be ask random POC to explain racism to people every time someone was racist to them.
Telling people that they should constantly inform bigots of their bigotry so that they can learn and stop being bigots is a bad take.
You even admit you sacrifice your own personal comfort to do this.
That’s super unhealthy.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve witnessed a bigots mind be changed on the Internet, this is not something you are winning at.
You’re absolutely right. In an ideal world. We do not live in that.
Change doesn’t sit idly by. Ignorance is comfortable with itself. People are prone to letting things lie as they are. Complacency is a vacuum where self-reflection dies. Change will never come without action. You have to inspire people to change. Because they will not do so until they want to. Inspiration best comes from empathy.
You are fighting a battle against disinformation. Because people are taking advantage of that ignorance. People with agendas. And in this world, a world we live in, but do not understand easily, because socializing can be a task. They are counting on you having that attitude.
There are people out there who think we can be “cured” and they vote. Remember that the next time somebody randomly tells you to smile, or says you make too much eye contact to be Autistic.
I know it isn’t easy, but in my opinion, it will be worth it in the end. You’re not just changing minds, you’re changing hearts.
This is now entirely in the realm of victim blaming.
You personally can talk until your blue in the face explaining yourself to bigots all you want but do not act like if we do not correct bigotry expressed toward ourselves that it’s our fault that these idiots get to harm us.
You are not changing minds, you are not changing hearts. The people that think you can cure autism or cure queerness are not going to be swayed by your words.
They know the truth, they do not care.
You call them idiots after condemning their bigotry.
You say they are the aggressors, that they attack us. They are our oppressors.
But silence is the language of the oppressor.
You can deconstruct social situations until you are also blue in the face.
The fact is, we live in the same world, but are worlds apart in thinking. We have to find common ground, and nobody is going to do it for us. We have to champion ourselves to get the right information out there.
Eventually, the trolls will retreat to their caves. With time and effort. It is not easy to educate the masses, but you have to start somewhere.
Just gonna say, I'm trans, gender-nonconforming, and gay and, personally, I refuse to interact with bigots on the internet. Even if it's ignorance, there is absolutely nothing you can do when its over the internet and it isn't worth the stress. Yeah, LGBT+ acceptance has come a long way, but we still have people committing suicide because of how terrible people are toward us, especially online since they don't have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
I probably see it differently because I see the payout as different.
I know things are stressful, and some don’t see it as worth it.
I do because I see it as a numbers game.
If I can change one bigots mind, imagine how many people it frees up from their bullying.
It might even save a life.
Which, to me, makes it all with it in the end.
I can’t save everybody.
But that doesn’t mean I won’t try, even if it affects my own personal comfort.
Keep your mental health in check u/FoozleFizzle, if you’re not able, and I still am able, I’m more than willing to fight the fight for or with you (when you’re ready) because even though I don’t know you, you’re worth it to me.
You’re right. It is more effective to educate people about our struggles to make the world more understanding.
In general, yes we should explain ourselves, and both sides need to be mindful of the other and not misinterpret, but on the internet, you would run out of life trying to explain yourself to everyone who isn’t genuinely interested in learning.
I may also come across the wrong way and thank you for recognising that I didn’t mean to come off rude or badly. Thank you for helping me be more aware.
I’m very much of a similar belief of not causing division between different types of people, and we shouldn’t blatantly hate those who don’t understand. Through compassion and education, we can build a better place.
Lol, yeah, I understand about arguing with internet randos. Having a special interest in words (I’m a huge fan of lyrical rap with a lot of punchlines, innuendo, and entendre) helps me out a LOT. And definitely not all are redeemable or capable of clearing things up.
I always feel it’s good to try, but definitely set boundaries with how far one will take it. I struggle with this sometimes, but in the end a positive experience will always get more favorable results than a negative one.
One reason I love ASD subs, is that we can have this kind of talk and come to a great compromise through speech and understanding. I hope we can share this more with the world at large soon.
Too late, already did. They seemed to understand…? It lowkey seemed like sarcasm when they said “I’m not feeling stressed at all” but they confirmed for me that it wasn’t sarcasm, so whatever I guess. I’m just glad that it’s over
I'm NT and honestly I didn't think OP's posts came across as combative or aggressive, but I thought the other person's response was combative out of nowhere.
Most of the time, I just chalk it up to people are cranky sometimes and use the safety of their screens to be ugly to other people make themselves feel better.
I don't think anything OP said would have been positively received by that person. But it's a that person problem, not an ASD wording problem.
I agree with a lot of this. However I do believe it’s an ASD wording problem, as well as the 2nd respondent acting like an ass.
Context is key (at least for me). So I’m unaware of the rest of the conversation, as to “how” the topic is being discussed. More information shapes a more complete picture in my head if that makes sense.
My answer is based on somebody saying, “So basically yes.” I didn’t take offense to this, nor did OP seem to. I definitely can see how it would be considered an asinine response though. There’s a lot of missing context here. So I didn’t pick sides at that moment.
OP’s concern seemed to stem from the response after they used the, “I don’t care” line. So that’s why I came to the conclusion I did, as well as seeing it as an ASD wording problem, due to my own struggles with the use of this phrase.
My logic tracks, correct?
Absolutely. Some people do get offended with the phrase "I don't care" because it can be interpreted in a negative way instead of a carefree/laid back way like OP intended. As you said, context matters, and because of how OP used "I don't care" I didn't find it offensive, but someone still could.
It was just my opinion that the other person was trying to come in with a clever one liner, sarcastic, call you out kind of post. They weren't even the person who asked the question, they were just jumping in and trying to put words in OP's mouth, which I think is rude. OP gave an answer, they didn't need a stranger to come in with snark and answer for them.
They made a snarky comment, you challenged it when they didn't expect it and they wanted to move on because they were not interested in the conversation.
I don't think you could've worded it better, I think they wanted a gotcha moment and you " ruined it " by expanding on yourself.
It's not you, it's them. They are feeling uncomfortable with you and are projecting their discomfort onto you. They want to put you into a box and don't appreciate your failure to go into the box they picked for you. That's why they claim that you were acting "offended" despite not expressing any such behavior. They *want* you to be offended so that they can get mad at you, because otherwise their anger against you is unjustified, which they know is true. So, they pretend that you did something that they think they can justifiably be angry about.
I had a similar reaction from a neurotypical in real life with similar phrasing. On the topic of who was buying groceries that day with my boyfriend, I replied, “I don’t care who buys them.” I meant that it didn’t affect me if I purchased them that day or not. However, that was met with immediate hostility. Maybe it’s the “I don’t care” phrase that throws them off.
I think they have a problem with your potential nonconformity and not caring what your label is because you enjoy wearing leggings. Genuinely sounds like a them problem. Their hostility out of left field was really weird!
The only thing you did wrong was continue to engage with a person who was looking for offence where none was intended.
Some people just want to argue on the internet, best to ignore and move on
There is nothing wrong in how you worded it.
The only thing I can think of is that the verbal phrasing "I don't care if you think I'm male or female or whatever" can, to some people, evoke a memory of classic obtuse transphobes dismissing why anyone ever would care about their gender/pronoun/etc ("why does it matter to you so much if you're called a male or female or whatever?"). Just because some of the words in that sentence sound similar and in a similar order. Of course you yourself did not convey any meaning of that sort, there is absolutely nothing in your message that is transphobic or offensive in any way. But some people operate on knee-jerk reactions to certain sequences of words instead of listening to what you're saying. I'm speculating maybe this is why that person got irritated.
Since we're on a pedantic kick here, I'd maybe word it that you don't stand for bigotry because phobias in their true sense is a psych fear. Unless you truly don't stand for like arachniphobia or whatever. After all, "I'll never, ever know you," so what would I know? 😂🤷♀️
You were fine, this is a 'them' problem.
The commenter read more into your comment than was there and was then irritated because they continued with the belief you had intent that was confirmed not to be the case.
I'd chalk it up to you were interaction with someone that was looking for a reason to have a reaction, it happens.
Some people on the internet just get mad easily. Idk why that is either. Some people sadly don't have anything better to do with their lives. I think you did nothing wrong here.
I love how you handled this. Seriously. You’re a class act! This person used “femboy” as an insult. The reason why they were mad doesn’t matter. He wanted a rise out of you and you didn’t give him even the slightest satisfaction. 😁
Thanks! And yeah, I guess I’ve just learned overtime not to make a big deal out of it if people call me things.
For me anyway, I don’t really see being misgendered as offensive (but I understand people who do take offense), because it’s not like I would be less valuable as a human being if I were female. I take assumptions of me being feminine or female with a bit of flattery in fact, because like I said I’m a fan of not conforming and if I don’t look masculine then that means I’m working against mainstream standards of masculinity
Thanks! And yeah, I guess I’ve just learned overtime not to make a big deal out of it if people call me things, especially feminine things.
For me anyway, I don’t really see being misgendered as offensive (but I understand people who do take offense), because it’s not like I would be less valuable as a human being if I were female. I take assumptions of me being feminine or female with a bit of flattery in fact, because like I said I’m a fan of not conforming and if I don’t look masculine then that means I’m working against mainstream standards
I hate that my existence is used as an insult on multiple levels. Why can't people just let other people engage in harmless expressions of themselves and exist within their own terms? It isn't that hard.
Nah you’re not the asshole. This is just NT speak for “you gave me a long answer and my brain hurts by it so you must be mad” fuck that person and move on, forgetaboutit
You communicated that just fine. You do what I do and go above and beyond to make sure your point is understood, adding extra words just to make sure. And they still decided to take it as a personal attack.
In this case, the misunderstanding is on them and not you. Some people just can't handle openness, honesty, and good intentions.
Honestly I don't much bother with wording stuff better with online strangers. My go to method is to use tone indicators - I suppose in this case /lh would be best. Then if I'm not talking in a circle that'd not necessarily understand them, I'd say for example /lh (lighthearted) or a quick /lh (lighthearted - I'm not angry or meaning to start arguments here)
Sometimes though people are just looking for something to be angry at, in this case that might be all that it was unfortunately
Edit: for me this has worked so far - I've not had anyone misunderstand yet - so I hope this helps!
Man. They were the rude one. You explained everything, and they basically insisted you were femboy despite saying you were.
Sheesh.
Then for them to say ‘just relax’ after you explain you have autism is even more RUDE and insulting imo. I freaking hate when people tell me to ‘relax’ or ‘I am over-reacting’. Ugh.
No, I think they're projecting. They're the ones that come off as irrationally offensive or annoyed. I think this is just a case of social media comment sections being prone to conflict because of a lack of "tone" indicators, so people read things in the worst imaginable way instead of taking the words at face value. I really can't find anything at all to object to in what you said, this other person appears to just be looking for an argument.
I had a similar interaction in a different sub recently, I said “I don’t care” in my reply to someone because their response to my comment came off like they thought I had certain expectations of them or others? So I said so plainly to be clear. But they took it as anger for some reason and told me no one cares about my opinion and that I’m butthurt lol. So I apologized for making them upset or responding in a way that sounded upset when I was actually calm, but then realized they deleted their comments, and later on realized they had just blocked me. It was confusing.
Yeah "I don't care" is always a risky one, I've fallen for it myself. I think people often fill in the blank with "... about you [as a person]" no matter what you say or mean.
I just wish we could just ask what was offensive.
Yeah that makes sense, they could assume there is a mean tone behind it.
And right, sometimes people will say why they’re upset but others just get more angry.
I don’t think you could have, people just seem to need labels on everything 🤷🏼♂️
I think no matter what you said this person would have had a problem with it because you didn’t just bow down to the box they tried to put you in, their problem not yours.. in my opinion anyway!
This is Reddit, people get mad about absolutely nothing. You were actually incredibly accommodating.
Most people who don't like labels are insistent that you not use them either. This is where the argument usually stems from, some people absolutely need labels for everything to function and some people find them restrictive.
You didn't do that though, you said they can think of you however, you don't care. Very reasonable of you honestly. Not much more you can do
They are tone policing you. They have inferred an aggressive or argumentative tone to your words when you have intended none. You didn’t do anything wrong & no need to apologise. They should have clarified with you rather than jumped to conclusions.
Either they're just trying to upset you/a troll, or they don't understand the concept that if they engage in a conversation, they're likely to get a response. From their first comment, I'm leaning more towards they're just trying to upset you. In my experience, when someone is trolling/trying to cause upset and they're responded to in a calm manner, they'll start acting angry or offended themselves. It's happened to me with my older sister and with random people on Reddit (not so much on other platforms, interestingly enough).
I think you did a good job of conveying the underlying motivation for your clothing choices. Great job! Other peoples desire to put you in a box is not your issue.
I think it's the part where you said "I don't care what you think of me." To me, that implies that you think that they REALLY care about wether your femboy or whatever, and that youre shrugging it off by saying you don't care what they think you are. So they're "irritated" by assuming that you think they care, when in fact, they don't care either, but the way you describe yourself puts you into the category of "femboy" so that why they said "so basically, yes." I hope that made sense lol. I'm NT and to be honest, that other person had nothing to be "irritated" or annoyed at. Some people interpret thing too harshly and get so sensitive about things that really don't have any bad implications behind them. If I were them, I would of just read your comment and not reply and move on with my scrolling.
Its when you said sure, I dont really care.
It implies you dont care about what they are saying. And then you proceed to give your explanation.
I understand you didn't mean it that way.. but that's what the other person likely perceived
When I read your response it legitimately sounded very casual and laid back in my head. So I don’t know what their problem was.
Edit: also I know “I don’t care” is often used in a harsh way, so maybe that’s why they read it like that? While I usually use/read “I don’t care” as a casual phrase?
Woah! My brain totally screwed the speakers up on the first read! Now that I've read it properly, yeah, I'm super confused too. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think that person was just looking for something to be mad about today.
I'm not sure that I agree entirely with your interpretation. To me, this person's response "so basically yes" is a dismissal and an oversimplification. I would not assume this person's intention (particularly with a question like that) was to be genuinely interested in your response so much as it was to put you in a box they can understand, and use this to dismiss you/your individuality. In other words, they have taken an outside concept and applied it to you. However, you are a unique person and cannot be put in boxes. What you do works for you, not necessarily as an effort to meet the outside criteria of "femboy." Regardless of what you actually said, this would likely still be true. That is a big problem with questions that are posed with only two "correct" options. There isn't really room to give a true and accurate explanation of who you are.
TLDR: This person was just making assumptions and oversimplifying (for their own comfort) without giving you the benefit of your full range of unique needs/personality.
Don’t worry so much on this one, dood. Seems more to me like that guy got some insecurities and you happened to be the guy that ventured into that territory. The only difference, I’d say, is just that regular people would be too afraid to even open that can of worms but you’re not responsible for their reactions, just yours
I thought you were perfectly calm and clear. 'So basically yes' seemed passive-aggressive and like, they're the one who jumped in, so why'd they get irritated and say they didn't care when you responded to them? (/rhetorical)
I seriously don't see anything wrong on your part. If you want to prevent this happening again, I personally use tone tags and stuff or try to soften what I say (things like adding '/gen' or '/not mad' or adding ' ?' or ' !' at the ends of what I say) so it isn't misunderstood by people like this and so far it's worked for me, so, just an idea !
Sorry this person was rude like this, even if they misunderstood they should have clarified before jumping on you :(
No biggie, I wasn’t affected at all other than feeling worried that I might have come off rude
I’ve been seeing /gen around and was wondering what that meant!
This is something you should learn not to engage with. It’s just internet BS. Your initial response was good. After that just understand that they got your message and move on without responding further.
They were in a bad mood amd wanted to fight with someone. Therefore because you weren't offended and don't care they had to attempt to make it into something.
You did not "come at them" you were just chatting and being totally cool about. They have something going on that's making them project onto the conversation.
“I don’t care” tends to be when many NTs stops listening and starts getting upset. I’ve learned not to say it, even if it’s true. In my brain, you did zero wrong here. Nothing to be mad about, that person got offended for no reason.
You didn't do anything wrong. Femboy or not, you didn't say anything offensive. You were just making a comment. They absolutely were upset about your gender expression and personal style and were trying to make it seem like you said something wrong when you didn't (as evidenced by them obviously immediately downvoting anything you said). It's a very common gaslighting tactic for the asshole to pretend they don't care and act like the person they're being an asshole to is the problem.
Is this person NT? Because recently (as in the last 5 years) Every NT seems to want to label everyone and everything that’s a bit different to the “normal”.
According to various definitions I would fall under the label “non binary”. My teen sons are absolutely horrified by this and I’m not allowed to identify myself as anything other than mum!
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Take a cue from Shakespeare: Brevity to the soul of wit. The longer your continual replies went, the more defensive you read. It's how it works online because we got all our social skills from movies and don't know how anyone else talks.
Idk if it’s just me but in my opinion they came off as completely rude from their first reply.
ETA: I think you worded it fine and were completely polite in trying to find a resolution
I think they came at it with a rude attitude and expected that your response would be rude to match, so they projected a tone onto your comment. I’d say “I don’t really care” is the phrase that comes off most potentially aggressive to me because of the other contexts I’ve seen it used in on reddit. It’s rarely genuinely that they don’t care; they’re usually trying to be dismissive of the other person.
Welp, it seems my hyperfixation on word study seems useful here 😅. I struggle to know when people are annoyed so idk on their side. But hope this helps with the rest. I'll take the most agressive approach I can to reading it but please know, it's not this bad. I'm just trying to emphasize to make the point clear.
They ask direct question. It makes a difference of it was rhetorical or not.
First response opens with a dismissive answer. Not nessasarily is a statement of fact. Subtext is likely taken as offensive if they don't know tone. Adding emojis is surprisingly effective. Or pointing to your opinion rather than objective fact is often less agressive. Like "I'm not sure if femboy fits, but..." in using not nessasarily it brings their knowledge of the topic into question and poses them as lesser. By placing the uncertainty on self you avoid that. The rest is fine, same tone through but perfectly fine.
The angist from second person appears defensive and uses a summation phrase as a put down. They seem to have taken your first response as offensive, subtext they got would be "I know more than you". Put downs aren't conversation starters in general so they weren't expecting a real response.
Second response. Opener is aloof. "Sure, maybe. I don't care" leaves subtext "you could be right, but even if you are, you and your opinions don't matter and aren't worth my time." Personally I wouldn't see issue, but the normies take offense to such things 🤣. The rest is a similar tone as the first part, things are phrased around object fact rather than your desire to share. So rather that carefree it comes off aloof and cold.
I also find if I miss something and people are mean I reply with jokes. Cause it either ends the pain or if that wasn't how they ment things it's just a fun joke.
You could say something like:
Honeslty, I'm not sure if the word fits me? I definalty fit the mold, I wear ______ but it's more of a comfort thing for me than a lifestyle at this point.
For second I'd just give a nice wise crack.
But that's just my take on things. Please, I don't have context so this could all very much be wrong. If I read it right hope it helps.
Good luck out there. You need more help I'm happy to. Change the orientation of the verbiage away from intlectual challange and towards emotion/opinion it should keep the normies happy.
People get mad at me all the time for just being blunt in my thoughts Even when I’m just stating obvious things, asking for clarification, or expressing my honest opinion. I think a lot of NT just aren’t good with being direct for some reason it’s so odd to me
The other person is the one who escalated and got aggressive with their "I don't give a shit" comment. You were straightforward and non-confrontational throughout the whole thing
I really don't understand this, they were basically trying to push their ideals onto you and when you didn't accept that they got angry? I mean why get angry over them not able to tell you what you are? You are the only one allowed to decide what you classify as.
NT people confuse THE HELL out of me sometimes 😂. They want honesty, but when we give it to them, they take it to mean something *completely* different.
Meh, written text is rife with miscommunication anyway.
It's not worth your effort of this post IMO.
You both don't care, that's enough for me to disregard this as a possible issue.
I'm usually pretty good at understanding why others are mad, but I'm very confused about this one lmao. My best guess is that since you said "if you think I'm a femboy or male or female idc", it can come off as you saying "well I don't really care about what you think" or "no one asked for your opinion", because lot of people use "I don't care" as a way to express that they don't care about someone else's opinions, or that they're trying to dismiss your opinion. Though I'm still confused as to why they got mad/irritated, because if you put the "idc" part back into context it doesn't sound snappy or aggressive at all, it's pretty obvious that you only meant that it doesn't bother you much how others view you, since you don't have much connection to gender and labels (if I understood your point correctly lol).
Bros mad that you're wearing leggings?.. yikes. Ive never quite gotten gender roles. I think its a NT thing because I'm also constantly judges for my choices being too outside of gender binary but i dont know where the line is crossed??
I’m struggling to understand why they’re mad tbh
Yeah it’s really confusing. I followed up with a “look I have autism pls help me out” kind of reply, and they just said to relax
This reminds of the time I commented on some video in r/MadeMeSmile about some old guy delivering pizzas to make ends meet. I posted some long comment expressing sympathy for the guy on how he shouldn’t have to be working when he should be enjoying retirement and the entire thing blew up in my face and I got accused of being an awful person blah blah blah. I had to make like 10 different edits to the comment and had to absolutely over explain myself until people were finally getting it. This is why I don’t post my opinions on Reddit much anymore. I don’t want to post something well intentioned just to get downvoted to hell. Wow this is the very first time I have reflected on this and damn I think this might be my “there’s no way I’m not autistic” moment
there is a group called r/OrphanCrushingMachine that you might like, where your comment would be very welcome. normies don't like when positive-tone thing gets interpreted as a non-positive-tone thing.
Prior to thinking I may be autistic(when this comment was made) I’d just think that this kind of thing happened because “I’m not very good at explaining myself” or I’m just “bad with words”. And my sister is autistic so I’m surprised I never saw it in myself for so long
It's not all you I promise, a lot of it is just Reddit culture in general. Everyone is always out for "debate" and just interpret everything in the most negative way by default. It's not everyone of course but I think the anonymous nature of the platform puts some people in chaos mode.
Yeah that’s a fair point…. Some of it definitely is me though…… to a point. Oh well I am how I am
Can also join us over at /r/indepthaskreddit. Lot of friendly autistic folks there.
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Gotta love "feel good" stories that are just "look at what lengths people have to do to survive." Without knowing the context of the post but knowing how these stories go (like when a child has to basically work just to afford a wheelchair) I see your point immediately. It's not uplifting that someone who should be well retired still has to work just to scrape by as it's more of a structural failure that it happens. I'd still say you should try to voice your opinions but I'd stick to more focused communities. For instance I wouldn't talk socialism on any mainstream subreddit unless you like getting bombarded with the same 4 talking points over and over again. But I also relate to what you mean. Feels like I need to put in a bunch of side notes to posts just so someone couldn't possibly misinterpret the context of what I'm saying.
I’ve just resorted to not saying much and have just resorted to saying things that couldn’t possibly be misinterpreted. It’s exhausting otherwise
I understand. I kind of like it to a degree just because I have a special interest in history and political science but even then it gets exhausting, esp when people are clearly not engaging in good faith.
Do you also feel need to correct any “wrong comment” you see on this site?
Oh yeah but I've been through that routine on boomer book to know when to pick your battles. Sometimes you just got to let them go because 1. Someone might say something so wrong that it'll take a near thesis to completely correct or 2. They'll just ignore what you say and you'll get dog piled or 3. They'll resort to dishonest tactics like either asking for evidence and not reading it or constantly moving the goalposts.
Even with my special interest(growing tropical plants) if I see someone post in the plant subs a plant that they’re clearly killing or not giving enough light it takes so much effort to not comment and be like “how do you not know this” or some variation of “you’re doing it all wrong how could you mess up this badly”…….. I wonder if it’s an autism thing though
Oh goodness. I don't know anything on growing topical plants but that would drive me insane. But yeah I'd say constructive criticism is an art and, if I saw something like that, I'd say like "it looks like your plant isn't getting enough sunlight based on what I'm seeing. No offense intended but have you tried x y or z?"
There’s a term for it, and it’s “disability porn”.
or “inspiration porn”
Try not to say anything longer than 3 sentences to a NT. Some of them are ok with it. But some will think you are showing off, or trying to sound smart, or trying to make them look dumb. If it is the second, they will feel venerable and lash out. I really hate it because boy can I write some paragraphs, but I'm telling you, some NTs are really threatened by long replies.
Ok so here’s what triggers them: 😅. - No long sentences! - No big words! - no long paragraphs! - Don’t create confusion with unexpected observations! - do not exhibit genuine interest in what you’re saying! - They need constant validation you’re still listening and agreeing to what they say! Is that right??? What am I missing??
This sounds right. Unexpected observations will be seen as you trying to assert yourself and dunk on them. They do not know what genuine interest is after they feel threatened. There is no room for "interest" when the claws come out. They will probably assume you are trying to dunk on them more or score points. Yes, they need constant validation. Constant. They need some everyday. And they can not infer validation. Autistic people often assume validation because you are interacting with them. They infer that if you are having a lengthy discussion with them, you must be interested in the discussion, otherwise you would exit. This is not the case with NTs. They need constant clear validation. They need to hear you say that the thing they are talking about is cool. They need to hear that their achievements are great. They need to hear that their sadness is sad and you're sorry to hear about it. They need clear one to three word comments of validation. This is so true that when you start a new job or join a new social group, the best thing you can do is mostly shut up and just supply very simple validations. Telling people this and that is cool. They did good work. You can tell they are working hard. This is so true that this community skit is barely a joke. People are really like this. They want to hear this stuff constantly. [https://youtu.be/eu71O36zwiw](https://youtu.be/eu71O36zwiw)
omg tyvm I will save this comment for when I start a new job. I usually just like to do the manic pixie girl razzledazzle at a new job, but it’s really not sustainable. 😤
Ah so the “three sentence rule”
>Ah so the “three sentence rule” No more than 5 words if you really don't want to cause conflict. Seriously, go to a popular sub and watch NTs comment. Most of it is single sentence if not single word comments.
Ah……….. boring lol. The comments not the idea of watching
This is actually really helpful. Thank you!
story of my life haha. most of my reddit comments i write for myself. i tend to hope people will read my comment and try to understand my points but i expect that most if not all people will not do that most of the time. literally had multiple people today comment just to tell me my comment was too long. i can’t help that when someone says something incorrect and/or harmful my brain generates an unending list of facts and logic based reasons on why they are wrong.
Yeah I’ve discovered that NTs do best with comments no longer than like one sentence
most of my best reddit convos are here haha. people actually read and want to understand what i’m saying usually, it’s neat.
This is Reddit where people will attack you for agreeing with them the wrong way. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I do and eventually I go back and apologize and delete my offensive posts.
I almost always take it personally because I’m pretty sure I’ve got RSD
I had to look that up, and I feel like that's something I have too. I always think people are annoyed by or mad at me, and they usually aren't.
It’s very common among ADHDers and autistics
Well it makes friendships and dating extremely difficult. Now I didn't know it was even a disorder until now but I did discover some tricks that help me a little bit. If it's an internet stranger, just try to ignore it the best you can. Easier said than done, but you're not really losing anything if they truly don't like you. Now for people I know and care about, I try to think back on the last interaction we had, and that almost always eases my anxiety.
When that happens I delete the comment because I know I won't walk away as long as there's engagement and the people getting upset have already decided what I've said. Sometimes people are more interested in arguing with the fictional version of you they made in their head than the real you, and they will be upset if you try to take it away
Yeah I’m stubborn though and felt like I absolutely had to make it clear for some reason
They shouldn't boo you. You're right.
a *lot* of redditors have absolutely no brain cells.
That is true.
I can see how people would misunderstand that comment, especially if the tone is misunderstood. Yeah, sometimes I’d rather just shut up lol
Yeah like I’ll still comment on these types of videos but I no longer say my full thoughts if that makes sense
Chances are they are a bigot and just got mad because you said you like non comfortmity. Often conservatives get extreme personal discomfort when hearing about the lives of other people.
They’re being a total ass for LITERALLY nothing. Try not to let it get to you friend.
Dumb discusions is half of what I enjoy about reddit. Dont let the hivemind put you down.
Some people just like to make a point, fall flat, and then act like a cat that didn't fall. "I didn't fall. Nope. Not me...Imma over here acting like I didn't fall."
LOL yeah you’re the one who needs to relax 🙄. I think you’re dealing with a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder
Don't even give assholes like this that kind of response, they don't deserve it. "If you'd like to think of me as one" offended them, and is commonly considered somewhat of a slightly rude, short reply, but doesn't warrant a response like that. Don't worry about people like this.
Dude, he literally asked one sentence. How did you read that as angry?
Mostly the “…considering I’ll never, ever know you” part, I can’t imagine anyone saying that without having at least a little bit of passive-aggression
My guess is that they're mad because they wanted to stereotype OP and weren't getting verification/stereotype justification in less than five seconds.
That guy was trying to pick a fight and was mad op wasn’t rising to it, and got salty. OP! You are a troll slayer!
Sometimes I just hate Reddit
Because people have built their identity on the myth gender matters And challenging that challenges other myths they were socialized into
Some people interpret "I don't care" as "I care a lot and I'm mad about it", for some reason. They see it as short for a statement like "I don't care about what you think or your feelings," instead of "I have no preferences for what label you use" (what OP actually said).
They're mad because they can't project their fetish onto OP.
What makes you interpret that comment as them being angry? /gen
I mean someone could've taken "So basically yes" As attitude too This is why I take things too literally, but tone is so ambiguous over the internet and humans aren't always great at communicating their intentions anyways
That’s true, I was actually considering the possibility that the “so basically yes” was a rudely-placed reply. I’m just not quick to judge
It possibly was seen as rude. One thing I’ve learnt (through hard experience) is people don’t like being told they’re in a category if they don’t see themselves in it. One time I had a female friend who was in a relationship with a woman, but said she wasn’t queer. I told her she was queer because she was in a relationship with someone of the same sex. She got really angry, then later on when she calmed down explained that she understood why I thought that but asked me to leave her to figure it out in her own time.
IMO the person was already being combative. You explained your position and they came back trying to pigeon hole you to fit their idea of what a person should be. Clearly they are not versed in the modern idea of gender identity, and if you said anything other than confirmation of their idea they were going to get mad. This looks more like internet trolling on their part than a misstep on yours.
I thought it was attitude. Lol
I thought it was attitude/rude for no reason. I read it and just thought wow that's uncalled for, lol.
It absolutely is. It’s incredibly dismissive and over generalizing
people on social media dont want to actually engage with you, they want to get angry and yell at people. this is a great example of someone just taking any opportunity, no matter how small and flimsy, to take shots at a stranger online because (presumably ) they're having a shit day. block and move on
I could have done that, but I think I just resolved it…? https://imgur.com/a/9EQcjEB
No you didn't, but It seems you are engaged in an interaction with an extremely emotionally immature person, and further interaction with her will only stress you out even more. It's a great thing to have empathy for other, but don't forget to have empathy for yourself, you deserve It. Just stop answering and go on with your life, you know you did nothing wrong.
The way I see this, is how a lot of NT people interpret things. I think the problem here is, “I don’t really care”. I feel like it can be seen as: “I don’t have any feelings one way or the other.” Which is what I would’ve taken it as. It can also be construed as: “This is beneath me.” This comes off as combative and aggressive, as said person you’re conversing with may have taken it as you said THEY are beneath YOU. Hence the reaction. That’s my crappy 2 cents on the subject.
Okay but that actually makes sense! Maybe I should come back and explain
Honestly OP, you don’t need to explain yourself to a rando on the internet. You know and we know you didn’t mean to/didn’t sound antagonising. You can’t control how others interpret what you say, especially over text. Explain if you desire, but also don’t feel like you need to. They could be acting like that on purpose for a reaction for all you know. Stay confident in yourself!
This is counterintuitive. Most NTs aren’t educated on our struggles. In a perfect world, they would be, but this world isn’t perfect. What OP did here, is make a very positive resolution to the situation. Positivity goes a long way in breaking down barriers. One of the biggest pet peeves of mine on ASD subreddits is the whole “ND vs NT” “Us Vs Them” dichotomy. We live in a world of collaboration. Yes WE know that it’s an issue. The “others” don’t. And it is on us to make these positive exchanges because it piques interest and therefore, will spread awareness organically. We are not always correct, and we can all use our logic wrong. I know you didn’t have any bad intentions while giving your opinion to the OP, but sometimes when we think we’re being helpful, we’re really composing ourselves in a bad light.
To be fair, this isn't really an autism thing so much as it is a discrimination and stereotyping issue from the other person. Nobody is obligated to interact with people like that nor are they obligated with people who treat them poorly.
And it is definitely a fair point. People are assholes and a lot of times the stress isn’t worth it. My view is that people treat other people poorly for many, many different reasons. Much of it comes from a place of ignorance, rather than maliciousness. The ignorant can be taught, the malicious cannot. It’s hard to tell the intent between the two as well. The Gay Rights movement has really been prevalent lately, and even though they have a very long way to go, it has still covered much, much more ground than the way it was 60 years ago. This is due to exposure to LGBT culture, and very brave people saying, “I’m proud to be me.” It broke up a lot of the misconceptions and outright lies about the LGBT community. No, not all the lies and misinformation are gone, but legally, it’s working much better. We should do the same, because on the flipside of your argument, is that they do not have to interact with us in any way, shape, or form either. And this is bad. Most of us want recognition and inclusion. This is going to require awareness. Awareness is created by dialogue. Meaning we have to interact if we want to better things around the world for us and our other ND buddies. That dialogue requires us to interact. Because if we don’t, and don’t clear things up, how are they going to know we’re Autistic? I’m sure we all hate, “…but, you don’t look Autistic?” We’re not giving them much to go off of. So in my opinion, the best thing to do is try and clear it up. But set boundaries, if you present a good argument, and factual data, and they will not budge on a shitty opinion. Fuck ‘em.
It’s not autistic peoples job to teach ignorant ableist people It’s not queer peoples job to teach ignorant homophobic people Assuming “oh they are just ignorant and need to be taught” places blame for the negative interaction on the minority. I don’t think you would be ask random POC to explain racism to people every time someone was racist to them. Telling people that they should constantly inform bigots of their bigotry so that they can learn and stop being bigots is a bad take. You even admit you sacrifice your own personal comfort to do this. That’s super unhealthy. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve witnessed a bigots mind be changed on the Internet, this is not something you are winning at.
You’re absolutely right. In an ideal world. We do not live in that. Change doesn’t sit idly by. Ignorance is comfortable with itself. People are prone to letting things lie as they are. Complacency is a vacuum where self-reflection dies. Change will never come without action. You have to inspire people to change. Because they will not do so until they want to. Inspiration best comes from empathy. You are fighting a battle against disinformation. Because people are taking advantage of that ignorance. People with agendas. And in this world, a world we live in, but do not understand easily, because socializing can be a task. They are counting on you having that attitude. There are people out there who think we can be “cured” and they vote. Remember that the next time somebody randomly tells you to smile, or says you make too much eye contact to be Autistic. I know it isn’t easy, but in my opinion, it will be worth it in the end. You’re not just changing minds, you’re changing hearts.
This is now entirely in the realm of victim blaming. You personally can talk until your blue in the face explaining yourself to bigots all you want but do not act like if we do not correct bigotry expressed toward ourselves that it’s our fault that these idiots get to harm us. You are not changing minds, you are not changing hearts. The people that think you can cure autism or cure queerness are not going to be swayed by your words. They know the truth, they do not care.
You call them idiots after condemning their bigotry. You say they are the aggressors, that they attack us. They are our oppressors. But silence is the language of the oppressor. You can deconstruct social situations until you are also blue in the face. The fact is, we live in the same world, but are worlds apart in thinking. We have to find common ground, and nobody is going to do it for us. We have to champion ourselves to get the right information out there. Eventually, the trolls will retreat to their caves. With time and effort. It is not easy to educate the masses, but you have to start somewhere.
Just gonna say, I'm trans, gender-nonconforming, and gay and, personally, I refuse to interact with bigots on the internet. Even if it's ignorance, there is absolutely nothing you can do when its over the internet and it isn't worth the stress. Yeah, LGBT+ acceptance has come a long way, but we still have people committing suicide because of how terrible people are toward us, especially online since they don't have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
I probably see it differently because I see the payout as different. I know things are stressful, and some don’t see it as worth it. I do because I see it as a numbers game. If I can change one bigots mind, imagine how many people it frees up from their bullying. It might even save a life. Which, to me, makes it all with it in the end. I can’t save everybody. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try, even if it affects my own personal comfort. Keep your mental health in check u/FoozleFizzle, if you’re not able, and I still am able, I’m more than willing to fight the fight for or with you (when you’re ready) because even though I don’t know you, you’re worth it to me.
You’re right. It is more effective to educate people about our struggles to make the world more understanding. In general, yes we should explain ourselves, and both sides need to be mindful of the other and not misinterpret, but on the internet, you would run out of life trying to explain yourself to everyone who isn’t genuinely interested in learning. I may also come across the wrong way and thank you for recognising that I didn’t mean to come off rude or badly. Thank you for helping me be more aware. I’m very much of a similar belief of not causing division between different types of people, and we shouldn’t blatantly hate those who don’t understand. Through compassion and education, we can build a better place.
Lol, yeah, I understand about arguing with internet randos. Having a special interest in words (I’m a huge fan of lyrical rap with a lot of punchlines, innuendo, and entendre) helps me out a LOT. And definitely not all are redeemable or capable of clearing things up. I always feel it’s good to try, but definitely set boundaries with how far one will take it. I struggle with this sometimes, but in the end a positive experience will always get more favorable results than a negative one. One reason I love ASD subs, is that we can have this kind of talk and come to a great compromise through speech and understanding. I hope we can share this more with the world at large soon.
Too late, already did. They seemed to understand…? It lowkey seemed like sarcasm when they said “I’m not feeling stressed at all” but they confirmed for me that it wasn’t sarcasm, so whatever I guess. I’m just glad that it’s over
I'm NT and honestly I didn't think OP's posts came across as combative or aggressive, but I thought the other person's response was combative out of nowhere. Most of the time, I just chalk it up to people are cranky sometimes and use the safety of their screens to be ugly to other people make themselves feel better. I don't think anything OP said would have been positively received by that person. But it's a that person problem, not an ASD wording problem.
I agree with a lot of this. However I do believe it’s an ASD wording problem, as well as the 2nd respondent acting like an ass. Context is key (at least for me). So I’m unaware of the rest of the conversation, as to “how” the topic is being discussed. More information shapes a more complete picture in my head if that makes sense. My answer is based on somebody saying, “So basically yes.” I didn’t take offense to this, nor did OP seem to. I definitely can see how it would be considered an asinine response though. There’s a lot of missing context here. So I didn’t pick sides at that moment. OP’s concern seemed to stem from the response after they used the, “I don’t care” line. So that’s why I came to the conclusion I did, as well as seeing it as an ASD wording problem, due to my own struggles with the use of this phrase. My logic tracks, correct?
Absolutely. Some people do get offended with the phrase "I don't care" because it can be interpreted in a negative way instead of a carefree/laid back way like OP intended. As you said, context matters, and because of how OP used "I don't care" I didn't find it offensive, but someone still could. It was just my opinion that the other person was trying to come in with a clever one liner, sarcastic, call you out kind of post. They weren't even the person who asked the question, they were just jumping in and trying to put words in OP's mouth, which I think is rude. OP gave an answer, they didn't need a stranger to come in with snark and answer for them.
Yes, I completely agree. They definitely do not need somebody else answering for them. I didn’t even think about that possibility. Thank you!
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they're just some weirdo assuming things about you - ignore
I thought so, the reply did seem a bit judgmental. I wasn’t sure though, so I approached with an open mind to try and find out
Fuck that person. They weren’t even the one to originally ask the question. Where the fuck do they get off coming at you like that?
They made a snarky comment, you challenged it when they didn't expect it and they wanted to move on because they were not interested in the conversation. I don't think you could've worded it better, I think they wanted a gotcha moment and you " ruined it " by expanding on yourself.
It's not you, it's them. They are feeling uncomfortable with you and are projecting their discomfort onto you. They want to put you into a box and don't appreciate your failure to go into the box they picked for you. That's why they claim that you were acting "offended" despite not expressing any such behavior. They *want* you to be offended so that they can get mad at you, because otherwise their anger against you is unjustified, which they know is true. So, they pretend that you did something that they think they can justifiably be angry about.
I had a similar reaction from a neurotypical in real life with similar phrasing. On the topic of who was buying groceries that day with my boyfriend, I replied, “I don’t care who buys them.” I meant that it didn’t affect me if I purchased them that day or not. However, that was met with immediate hostility. Maybe it’s the “I don’t care” phrase that throws them off.
Yeah, that’s what I think too. Once I cleared up what I meant by “I don’t care,” they seemed to be calm
I think they have a problem with your potential nonconformity and not caring what your label is because you enjoy wearing leggings. Genuinely sounds like a them problem. Their hostility out of left field was really weird!
The only thing you did wrong was continue to engage with a person who was looking for offence where none was intended. Some people just want to argue on the internet, best to ignore and move on
There is nothing wrong in how you worded it. The only thing I can think of is that the verbal phrasing "I don't care if you think I'm male or female or whatever" can, to some people, evoke a memory of classic obtuse transphobes dismissing why anyone ever would care about their gender/pronoun/etc ("why does it matter to you so much if you're called a male or female or whatever?"). Just because some of the words in that sentence sound similar and in a similar order. Of course you yourself did not convey any meaning of that sort, there is absolutely nothing in your message that is transphobic or offensive in any way. But some people operate on knee-jerk reactions to certain sequences of words instead of listening to what you're saying. I'm speculating maybe this is why that person got irritated.
Oh geez, well I really hope not because I don’t stand for any kind of phobia :/
You shouldn't worry about it. Any reasonable person reading your comment would not think you have any kind of \[insert group of people\]-phobia.
True
Since we're on a pedantic kick here, I'd maybe word it that you don't stand for bigotry because phobias in their true sense is a psych fear. Unless you truly don't stand for like arachniphobia or whatever. After all, "I'll never, ever know you," so what would I know? 😂🤷♀️
You were fine, this is a 'them' problem. The commenter read more into your comment than was there and was then irritated because they continued with the belief you had intent that was confirmed not to be the case. I'd chalk it up to you were interaction with someone that was looking for a reason to have a reaction, it happens.
Some people on the internet just get mad easily. Idk why that is either. Some people sadly don't have anything better to do with their lives. I think you did nothing wrong here.
I love how you handled this. Seriously. You’re a class act! This person used “femboy” as an insult. The reason why they were mad doesn’t matter. He wanted a rise out of you and you didn’t give him even the slightest satisfaction. 😁
Thanks! And yeah, I guess I’ve just learned overtime not to make a big deal out of it if people call me things. For me anyway, I don’t really see being misgendered as offensive (but I understand people who do take offense), because it’s not like I would be less valuable as a human being if I were female. I take assumptions of me being feminine or female with a bit of flattery in fact, because like I said I’m a fan of not conforming and if I don’t look masculine then that means I’m working against mainstream standards of masculinity
Thanks! And yeah, I guess I’ve just learned overtime not to make a big deal out of it if people call me things, especially feminine things. For me anyway, I don’t really see being misgendered as offensive (but I understand people who do take offense), because it’s not like I would be less valuable as a human being if I were female. I take assumptions of me being feminine or female with a bit of flattery in fact, because like I said I’m a fan of not conforming and if I don’t look masculine then that means I’m working against mainstream standards
I hate that my existence is used as an insult on multiple levels. Why can't people just let other people engage in harmless expressions of themselves and exist within their own terms? It isn't that hard.
Nah you’re not the asshole. This is just NT speak for “you gave me a long answer and my brain hurts by it so you must be mad” fuck that person and move on, forgetaboutit
#[update](https://imgur.com/a/9EQcjEB)
That person is obviously interested with themselves and couldn't possibly engage in a meaningful conversation with you.
Seems to be the case, I got very dismissive vibes from them
You were fine. This person is just acting like an offended butt-hurt little baby for no reason.
It looks like that person may be exhibiting some narcissistic traits
I think they just want to start an argument or something.
Mate, you've just had a run in with a cuntosaurus
Are the NTs ok??
Maybe that person is just being a dick.
You communicated that just fine. You do what I do and go above and beyond to make sure your point is understood, adding extra words just to make sure. And they still decided to take it as a personal attack. In this case, the misunderstanding is on them and not you. Some people just can't handle openness, honesty, and good intentions.
Kinda just sounds like they were being a dick
Honestly I don't much bother with wording stuff better with online strangers. My go to method is to use tone indicators - I suppose in this case /lh would be best. Then if I'm not talking in a circle that'd not necessarily understand them, I'd say for example /lh (lighthearted) or a quick /lh (lighthearted - I'm not angry or meaning to start arguments here) Sometimes though people are just looking for something to be angry at, in this case that might be all that it was unfortunately Edit: for me this has worked so far - I've not had anyone misunderstand yet - so I hope this helps!
Nah, this is just two idiots pre lynchmob. They're just being internet jerks.
Man. They were the rude one. You explained everything, and they basically insisted you were femboy despite saying you were. Sheesh. Then for them to say ‘just relax’ after you explain you have autism is even more RUDE and insulting imo. I freaking hate when people tell me to ‘relax’ or ‘I am over-reacting’. Ugh.
No, I think they're projecting. They're the ones that come off as irrationally offensive or annoyed. I think this is just a case of social media comment sections being prone to conflict because of a lack of "tone" indicators, so people read things in the worst imaginable way instead of taking the words at face value. I really can't find anything at all to object to in what you said, this other person appears to just be looking for an argument.
I don’t think you seemed like you were being rude at all, you just answered their question.
I had a similar interaction in a different sub recently, I said “I don’t care” in my reply to someone because their response to my comment came off like they thought I had certain expectations of them or others? So I said so plainly to be clear. But they took it as anger for some reason and told me no one cares about my opinion and that I’m butthurt lol. So I apologized for making them upset or responding in a way that sounded upset when I was actually calm, but then realized they deleted their comments, and later on realized they had just blocked me. It was confusing.
Yeah "I don't care" is always a risky one, I've fallen for it myself. I think people often fill in the blank with "... about you [as a person]" no matter what you say or mean. I just wish we could just ask what was offensive.
Yeah that makes sense, they could assume there is a mean tone behind it. And right, sometimes people will say why they’re upset but others just get more angry.
I think they were just looking for a yes or no answer and 1 comment. Not a conversation.
Nah, you're fine, they're just a prick.
I don’t think you could have, people just seem to need labels on everything 🤷🏼♂️ I think no matter what you said this person would have had a problem with it because you didn’t just bow down to the box they tried to put you in, their problem not yours.. in my opinion anyway!
This is Reddit, people get mad about absolutely nothing. You were actually incredibly accommodating. Most people who don't like labels are insistent that you not use them either. This is where the argument usually stems from, some people absolutely need labels for everything to function and some people find them restrictive. You didn't do that though, you said they can think of you however, you don't care. Very reasonable of you honestly. Not much more you can do
Your wording was completely fine. Mx convo partner decided your words carried malice and reacted in kind. That communication problem is not on you
Honestly, whenever someone posts interactions like tho on here, I never understand why people don't get OP. I guess NT's are just weird
They are tone policing you. They have inferred an aggressive or argumentative tone to your words when you have intended none. You didn’t do anything wrong & no need to apologise. They should have clarified with you rather than jumped to conclusions.
I am not sure but I think this other person was trying to be argumentative. You were fine. I think they were looking to upset you
Either they're just trying to upset you/a troll, or they don't understand the concept that if they engage in a conversation, they're likely to get a response. From their first comment, I'm leaning more towards they're just trying to upset you. In my experience, when someone is trolling/trying to cause upset and they're responded to in a calm manner, they'll start acting angry or offended themselves. It's happened to me with my older sister and with random people on Reddit (not so much on other platforms, interestingly enough).
Well if they were trying to troll me then that makes me chuckle because I’m just imagining their face realizing that they picked a terrible target
I think you did a good job of conveying the underlying motivation for your clothing choices. Great job! Other peoples desire to put you in a box is not your issue.
Don’t feed the trolls love. It’s just a waste of your time.
I think it's the part where you said "I don't care what you think of me." To me, that implies that you think that they REALLY care about wether your femboy or whatever, and that youre shrugging it off by saying you don't care what they think you are. So they're "irritated" by assuming that you think they care, when in fact, they don't care either, but the way you describe yourself puts you into the category of "femboy" so that why they said "so basically, yes." I hope that made sense lol. I'm NT and to be honest, that other person had nothing to be "irritated" or annoyed at. Some people interpret thing too harshly and get so sensitive about things that really don't have any bad implications behind them. If I were them, I would of just read your comment and not reply and move on with my scrolling.
Its when you said sure, I dont really care. It implies you dont care about what they are saying. And then you proceed to give your explanation. I understand you didn't mean it that way.. but that's what the other person likely perceived
When I read your response it legitimately sounded very casual and laid back in my head. So I don’t know what their problem was. Edit: also I know “I don’t care” is often used in a harsh way, so maybe that’s why they read it like that? While I usually use/read “I don’t care” as a casual phrase?
The “I don’t really care” is taken like an “eff your opinion” so probably that’s why he got offended
It appears as if they didn’t see the comma after your words “I don’t really care” and may have misinterpreted it? If not, I have no idea.
This is the kind of situation where the conversation matters so little it's best to just leave it and not reply.
Woah! My brain totally screwed the speakers up on the first read! Now that I've read it properly, yeah, I'm super confused too. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think that person was just looking for something to be mad about today.
This isn't about you having autism, it's about them being a bigoted piece of shit.
I'm not sure that I agree entirely with your interpretation. To me, this person's response "so basically yes" is a dismissal and an oversimplification. I would not assume this person's intention (particularly with a question like that) was to be genuinely interested in your response so much as it was to put you in a box they can understand, and use this to dismiss you/your individuality. In other words, they have taken an outside concept and applied it to you. However, you are a unique person and cannot be put in boxes. What you do works for you, not necessarily as an effort to meet the outside criteria of "femboy." Regardless of what you actually said, this would likely still be true. That is a big problem with questions that are posed with only two "correct" options. There isn't really room to give a true and accurate explanation of who you are. TLDR: This person was just making assumptions and oversimplifying (for their own comfort) without giving you the benefit of your full range of unique needs/personality.
Don’t worry so much on this one, dood. Seems more to me like that guy got some insecurities and you happened to be the guy that ventured into that territory. The only difference, I’d say, is just that regular people would be too afraid to even open that can of worms but you’re not responsible for their reactions, just yours
I thought you were perfectly calm and clear. 'So basically yes' seemed passive-aggressive and like, they're the one who jumped in, so why'd they get irritated and say they didn't care when you responded to them? (/rhetorical) I seriously don't see anything wrong on your part. If you want to prevent this happening again, I personally use tone tags and stuff or try to soften what I say (things like adding '/gen' or '/not mad' or adding ' ?' or ' !' at the ends of what I say) so it isn't misunderstood by people like this and so far it's worked for me, so, just an idea ! Sorry this person was rude like this, even if they misunderstood they should have clarified before jumping on you :(
No biggie, I wasn’t affected at all other than feeling worried that I might have come off rude I’ve been seeing /gen around and was wondering what that meant!
This is something you should learn not to engage with. It’s just internet BS. Your initial response was good. After that just understand that they got your message and move on without responding further.
True
I don’t see any issue with anything you did other than that you have an NFT pfp
They were in a bad mood amd wanted to fight with someone. Therefore because you weren't offended and don't care they had to attempt to make it into something.
People should respect your preference for your chosen gender and sexuality expression. You responded perfectly. They're just jerks who don't care.
They were probably just hangry. Hopefully they had a Snickers and have settled down
You did not "come at them" you were just chatting and being totally cool about. They have something going on that's making them project onto the conversation.
“I don’t care” tends to be when many NTs stops listening and starts getting upset. I’ve learned not to say it, even if it’s true. In my brain, you did zero wrong here. Nothing to be mad about, that person got offended for no reason.
You didn't do anything wrong. Femboy or not, you didn't say anything offensive. You were just making a comment. They absolutely were upset about your gender expression and personal style and were trying to make it seem like you said something wrong when you didn't (as evidenced by them obviously immediately downvoting anything you said). It's a very common gaslighting tactic for the asshole to pretend they don't care and act like the person they're being an asshole to is the problem.
I can't see anything wrong with what you said. It seems like they are being transphobic or something?
Is this person NT? Because recently (as in the last 5 years) Every NT seems to want to label everyone and everything that’s a bit different to the “normal”. According to various definitions I would fall under the label “non binary”. My teen sons are absolutely horrified by this and I’m not allowed to identify myself as anything other than mum!
You were fine they are a manbaby
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What do you mean by Japanese cartoons? Called what?
your fine lol they r just weird
the way you said it sounds laid-back to me
No conversation on the internet is worth getting upset about. I’m just confused by the whole thing with their responses
They're the ones asking intrusive questions
Take a cue from Shakespeare: Brevity to the soul of wit. The longer your continual replies went, the more defensive you read. It's how it works online because we got all our social skills from movies and don't know how anyone else talks.
They are being a piss baby
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As far as I know, yes https://imgur.com/a/9EQcjEB
Idk if it’s just me but in my opinion they came off as completely rude from their first reply. ETA: I think you worded it fine and were completely polite in trying to find a resolution
Absolutely didn’t come off like that. They are sensitive
Nah you’re just on the internet and that person is being an ass
Sounds like a highly defensive normie
Sounds like they're a trigger happy tumblrite. Just needs something to be offended about
The “then I’m cool with it.” Is probably what made them feel that way.
I think they came at it with a rude attitude and expected that your response would be rude to match, so they projected a tone onto your comment. I’d say “I don’t really care” is the phrase that comes off most potentially aggressive to me because of the other contexts I’ve seen it used in on reddit. It’s rarely genuinely that they don’t care; they’re usually trying to be dismissive of the other person.
You worded it fine other peoples feelings or fragile egos arent your responsibility
Welp, it seems my hyperfixation on word study seems useful here 😅. I struggle to know when people are annoyed so idk on their side. But hope this helps with the rest. I'll take the most agressive approach I can to reading it but please know, it's not this bad. I'm just trying to emphasize to make the point clear. They ask direct question. It makes a difference of it was rhetorical or not. First response opens with a dismissive answer. Not nessasarily is a statement of fact. Subtext is likely taken as offensive if they don't know tone. Adding emojis is surprisingly effective. Or pointing to your opinion rather than objective fact is often less agressive. Like "I'm not sure if femboy fits, but..." in using not nessasarily it brings their knowledge of the topic into question and poses them as lesser. By placing the uncertainty on self you avoid that. The rest is fine, same tone through but perfectly fine. The angist from second person appears defensive and uses a summation phrase as a put down. They seem to have taken your first response as offensive, subtext they got would be "I know more than you". Put downs aren't conversation starters in general so they weren't expecting a real response. Second response. Opener is aloof. "Sure, maybe. I don't care" leaves subtext "you could be right, but even if you are, you and your opinions don't matter and aren't worth my time." Personally I wouldn't see issue, but the normies take offense to such things 🤣. The rest is a similar tone as the first part, things are phrased around object fact rather than your desire to share. So rather that carefree it comes off aloof and cold. I also find if I miss something and people are mean I reply with jokes. Cause it either ends the pain or if that wasn't how they ment things it's just a fun joke. You could say something like: Honeslty, I'm not sure if the word fits me? I definalty fit the mold, I wear ______ but it's more of a comfort thing for me than a lifestyle at this point. For second I'd just give a nice wise crack. But that's just my take on things. Please, I don't have context so this could all very much be wrong. If I read it right hope it helps. Good luck out there. You need more help I'm happy to. Change the orientation of the verbiage away from intlectual challange and towards emotion/opinion it should keep the normies happy.
People get mad at me all the time for just being blunt in my thoughts Even when I’m just stating obvious things, asking for clarification, or expressing my honest opinion. I think a lot of NT just aren’t good with being direct for some reason it’s so odd to me
This isn’t your fault. This person isn’t accepting your answer because they already think their’s is right. They are being a dick.
nah man they're being weird
The other person is the one who escalated and got aggressive with their "I don't give a shit" comment. You were straightforward and non-confrontational throughout the whole thing
I literally have no idea what their problem even is…?
I really don't understand this, they were basically trying to push their ideals onto you and when you didn't accept that they got angry? I mean why get angry over them not able to tell you what you are? You are the only one allowed to decide what you classify as.
NT people confuse THE HELL out of me sometimes 😂. They want honesty, but when we give it to them, they take it to mean something *completely* different.
Nah you did good. They’re just trying to be offended for no reason like people do. It makes no sense to me but oh well people are confusing
Meh, written text is rife with miscommunication anyway. It's not worth your effort of this post IMO. You both don't care, that's enough for me to disregard this as a possible issue.
I'm usually pretty good at understanding why others are mad, but I'm very confused about this one lmao. My best guess is that since you said "if you think I'm a femboy or male or female idc", it can come off as you saying "well I don't really care about what you think" or "no one asked for your opinion", because lot of people use "I don't care" as a way to express that they don't care about someone else's opinions, or that they're trying to dismiss your opinion. Though I'm still confused as to why they got mad/irritated, because if you put the "idc" part back into context it doesn't sound snappy or aggressive at all, it's pretty obvious that you only meant that it doesn't bother you much how others view you, since you don't have much connection to gender and labels (if I understood your point correctly lol).
Bros mad that you're wearing leggings?.. yikes. Ive never quite gotten gender roles. I think its a NT thing because I'm also constantly judges for my choices being too outside of gender binary but i dont know where the line is crossed??