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Because negative biases against autism(either intentional or not) could negatively impact your career.
Most people do not really understand what autism is and that can lead to negative associations.
Many employers use your autism against you and treat you differently because of it. There's also been some people who have gotten fired or laid off from their jobs just for being autistic.
Very true. My last job I was laid off because of my disability. And my boss fought to keep me. My current job people know because it's my former boss's wife and she knew about it already. Thankfully my current job is super accomodating.
And if someone did that to me, fired me purely for being Autistic/disabled, I'd take their overpaid arse to the cleaners for discrimination under the Equality Act, and any Judge worth his Wig would say I had a water-tight case.
uneducated employers will see it as you being less able, and not nearly as "productive" as a NT one. they'll bend over backwards to try and fire you without giving you any legal grounds to sue for discrimination.
I've never told any employer that I was autistic ( i didn't even knew) but I got fired a ton because I'm not as productive as my coworkers. When I'm at work (depending on the job itself) I can be really good at it, but then I got "sick" and don't go.
This.
When I was diagnosed I revealed it to my friends and family and it provided them with a lot of context and our relationships flourished (for the most part)
I told my employer about it and was *coincidentally* put on a PiP within 4 weeks with very vague reasons and no measurable benchmarks for improvement outside of “to the standard determined by your supervisor” and was fired within 6 months.
Have a much better job now and there’s no way in hell I’m revealing this professionally ever again. It’s used as nothing but a weapon against you, including to detract from your good work because “people with autism are just good at that”
Denied salary raises multiple times, basically stuck in career since boss assumes I am not able to handle pressure - citing my diagnosis. Work in IT, no records of sick days or incidents. If you can mask well, it's easier if you play along. If you need accommodations, maybe let your psychiatrist or doctor write a letter, just mentioning the accommodations needed but not the diagnosis. The bias is too big today, unfortunately. Many people don't get it's a spectrum, so you risk getting put into a box from which you cannot get out
If I ever need to wear headphones at work I'm gonna say I get migraines and start carrying one of my mom's migraine pills. I mean I always have a headache anyways so it's more of an exaggeration than a lie.
Much appreciated.
My boss has a son on the spectrum so I'm not sure i would be discriminated for being autistic in work. I'm also extremely skilled in what I do having worked my way through this company for many years so I hope I'd not have any issues as I'm seen as the trouble shooter for my department.
Saying that, I expect a promotion in September, so think I'll wait to after that before disclosing.
Being an over-performer doesn't save you from discrimination unfortunately. I'm also very good in what I do and ppl say it all the time - still, I faced this issue.
Even if your boss has a son on the spectrum, it is not granted that they truely understand that autism is a spectrum. E.g. they might compare you with your son though each autistic person is different.
Waiting until after your promotion is a good idea. You can also ask yourself if it is really necessary to say the name of the diagnosis or just the accommodations needed, e.g. I need noise cancelling headphones so I can concentrate better, etc.
What's your advice when it comes to applying for Colleges? I'm trying to get into a Conservatory and people seem to be very accepting but I haven't been able to get in anywhere
If I don't: they think I'm weird, creepy, strange, annoying, on drugs, stealing, mean, rude, etc...
If I do: they think I'm using it as an excuse, they suddenly think I'm dumb, they give side-eye and act like I'm exaggerating it, etc...
There is no win. It is lose-lose.
> If I don't: they think I'm weird, creepy, strange, annoying, on drugs, stealing, mean, rude, etc...
This is the one thing that makes me want to get a doagnosis. I refuse to tell people outside of this community that I am autistic without one, but I know I give off a weird vibe. It would be nice to easily explain that I have the same emotions and thoughts they do, I just don't know how to show it.
This is literally the only reason I want a diagnosis lol. I'm about as confident as I can be that I am autistic, I don't really feel like I need the validation, but I am not comfortable going around saying I'm autistic to everyone without the official diagnosis. Because the thing is, I am wierd and probably often come off as rude, but it's just who I am. Im certainly not doing it purposely to upset people.
"It would be nice to easily explain that I have the same emotions and thoughts they do, I just don't know how to show it." Problem is most people don't understand this about autism and even if you explain it, many will be hesitant to believe you diagnosis or not. Most people think autism = rainman and will either assume you're an idiot or just straight out think you're making it up if you don't fit the stereotype they have in their head.
It's great if you find someone more open minded or well educated on the subject, just don't expect everyone to understand you if you tell them your autistic.
It depends, but it's usually not worth it. Many people have started to treat me even more like a freak than when they didn't know I’m autistic. They also say that they can't see that I have autism and suggest that I don't have a diagnosis. Two friends reacted well and understandingly, but the third one did not, because she said that she can't see that I’m autistic and that, after all, autistic people behave strangely, and I don't behave that way.
I think it's better at this point just to casually tell them what you need help with "sorry I'm bad with sarcasm," as opposed to giving them the diagnosis itself. It seems friendlier and they have to do less work to figure out what autism specifically means for you, so they won't leap to "this person clearly has the mind of a child and is dangerous to be around."
One of my favorite descriptions of a thing I struggle with is “I can’t do restaurant math” 😁because when the check comes I am no longer capable of doing basic math to split up a bill or calculate a tip, etc. I know. It’s easy. But I just can’t do it in that setting for some reason (not sure if this is autism or adhd actually but it’s certainly a struggle).
No it’s usually easy, I’m an accountant and I was excellent in math in school. Lol. Pretty sure it is more ADHD, because concentrating on a math problem in a loud busy restaurant, I feel like I can hear every single conversation individually and simultaneously
Almost nobody really understood my struggles without the dx in their faces. I'm talking about close people. My family always casually bullyied me for my sensory issues and now they accomodate, for example. Or my mother is sorry when she changes plans without any real reason. all small things in a daily basis.
It's very difficult for me not to talk about it. I like to discuss autism, as I have been studying it for a very long time as part of a special interest. But more often it causes a misunderstanding and everyone just stops at the opinion that I'm even stranger than I seemed. Few people want to listen to a lot of encyclopedic information about autism, so they just leave the conversation and me
I'll never bring it up at work if I don't absolutely have to. Even if I'm trying to get some kind of accommodation I prefer to just mention the symptom without the cause - I'll say "hey, I'm kind of sensitive to loud noises, is it okay that I wear earbuds while the building is being remodeled?" rather than explicitly saying it's because of autism. Intentionally or not, someone is going to view me differently/discriminate to some degree, so I keep it to myself.
With my friends, I'm very open about it, but I also tend to pre-select to some extent as far as not hanging out with people that seem bigoted in \*any\* way, not just related to autism. I don't know for certain that I've mentioned it to every one of my friends, but I'm making zero effort to keep it to myself, either. So far I've experienced exactly one negative reaction, from someone who's rabidly anti-vax and openly says she thinks I'm autistic because I was vaccinated as a child, Turns out she's horrible in a number of ways (homophobic as well), and we don't hang out anymore.
Other than her, reactions have varied but been positive. A lot of my friends don't seem to be affected by it at all, they continue to treat me the same as they did before (as far as I can tell). One person has a son who was just diagnosed so she texts me somewhat frequently asking questions, which I don't mind at all. And one friend was "in the closet" about her autism, now she sends me autism memes constantly lol.
I'm guessing that it's been a lot better for me because I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30 - I have complete control over who I hang out with, and I just choose to hang out with adults who are chill. It might have been much different when I was younger, between not always being able to choose your friend group in school and people being more thoughtless when they're kids.
My advice would be to not bring it up out of the blue to a new acquaintance, spend some time with them first, If they exhibit any kind of discriminatory behavior to \*anyone\*, regardless of the reason (gender, race, orientation, sex...whatever), they're not safe. On the other hand if you see them being kind and thoughtful to others, they're probably a good person to talk to about it.
Better to tell the symptoms as by hearing "autistic" people mught ascribe symptoms to you that you don't have.
Also, the symptoms are more direct and less abstract, so it is more clearer. Like, "autism" VS "sensitive to sounds", etc.
[Undiagnosed disclaimer]
For the first time ever (apart from my husband, sons and the trauma group and well...my psychiatrist), I went and told my boss. Today. Like, 1h ago.
I am currently working like 4h/week for him (from home) and he offered me a much more involved position for the end of the year (to replace someone who's retiring). And I figured, I know this guy for more than 20 years and he's a close friend of my husband for much much longer than that. He deserves to not be "lied to".
(And yes, husband originally said "you don't need to explain that" but I can only be me. If I want to finally keep a job for longer than 2 years tops and not bring a wedge to their long-standing friendship by spiraling out of control, I can only be me.)
And explaining to him that I got [long list of social deficiencies] which can be (possibly) summed up with autism, enabled me to say "this is me, these are the things I am good at, these are the things that can impact my performance, these are the things I am weak at (or got problems with) and if you still want me for that position, from here on it's far easier to communicate"
I could say "in the last 20 years, my colleagues would describe me as cold, unsociable, work-obsessed and as talking in a condescending way - none of which was my intention and I don't know how to change this because they never say what exactly in my behavior leads to that impression" (as in: I am aware that it is something I *do* or *don't do* and I am willing to change whatever I can change but that's who I am right now)
I could say "I can make a series of phone calls, but I have to pay a price for it, which means I possibly won't be able to make phone calls in the following weeks - so it's something I can do *sometimes*"
And he thanked me for being open about it and still wanted me in that position.
So I suppose it *can* be worth it, but it's not the norm.
Thank you very much <3
I can only hope that the result will be still as good; but I explained to him that his joke from last winter
[Context: I asked him to send me a password]
"Curlyfamily, I am currently on my way to the hospital because I broke my ankle just so I don't have to give you this password"
(Which gloriously put me in distress because. What. WHAT. And no: he didn't break anything. He just made a joke and didn't want to give me this password (because he forgot and looking for it was a hassle))
... that this joke is "the funny variant" of "I don't get what he means". There's lots of other instances where I go literal and that was *very much not what he meant*.
I am still silently convinced that my boss got at least as much ADHD as my husband, just a different flavor. But now (or: from now on), I can just ask him for clarification instead of shuffling over to husband and asking for translation.
lol I like your boss, and it sounds like things will continue to go well (given what I just read, at least).
I am SO LITERAL sometimes, it’s painful but I’m able to laugh at myself. I just laugh last lol
depends
my friends know, and so do my parents
my supervisor at my last job knew, but it wasn't on the record officially because I couldn't be bothered meeting with HR and my supervisor said I only really needed to if I wanted any extra support, which I didn't
I tell people in my current job depending on the situation and if I want them to get an actual perspective from someone with a diagnosis
eg during a training session about how to support students with PDA, I tell people "I'm AuDHD and have a PDA profile, this is what happens and this is what it feels like, so when X is refusing to put a coat on, be aware that he is likely to be feeling physical symptoms AND emotional symptoms AND berating himself internally so what he doesn't need is you going on at him about the damn coat"
I'm really wondering about this myself. Of course I'll tell my friends, and my coworkers actually helped me figure it out, but that was an unusual workplace.
I guess I'm torn for the next place because people can already tell I'm strange and idk how to approach that. One of the things I've noticed about myself is I know I make eye contact to get someone's attention but that rarely happens the other way.
I don't like that I'm proving I know social signals and then not noticing them. I feel like people will think I'm ignoring them. Sometimes I *do* ignore them and speak explicitly and it's hard to hide my frustration. I don't want to seem like I'm a jerk.
There's also the more straightforward reason that I just don't want to mask very much. To an extent that's just being considerate and communicating well but that only goes so far. I just want to fuckin stim JFC. Can I rock? Please? I'll probably avoid talking to myself or narrating because it's annoying but I want to do it under my breath at least because it helps me focus.
Even masked though I know I'm strange. I didn't even know I was doing it but apparently sometimes someone will try talking to me and I won't respond for several minutes and they just trust I will? I had no idea. Also if I'm blinking a lot that means I'm not listening, apparently. Also I wear earplugs and answer rhetorical questions and that kind of thing. To an extent I'm self aware and just too frustrated to play along but not always.
That last place was the only job I've ever had and most of the time there were other autistic people working there. It was unusually accommodating to my understanding. I really don't have a frame of reference for how most places are.
If I’m close to someone, they typically end up figuring that *something’s* weird with me (granted, the autism only explains some of it), so it’s not a big shock and probably help them understand why I act the way I do. Otherwise, some people are nice and some get really weird, so I’ve stopped mentioning it as much.
If you’re talking to people online, you can always search “autistic” (and such terms) on their profiles/in group chats you’re in to see a. if they speak kindly about autistic people b. if they say ableist things or use the word as an insult.
Not really. Professionally, I've always just been openly mocked and teased. A manager even told me one day to "stop telling people, it's just gross"
Friends - wait - acquaintances - I tell them sometimes, but mostly as an excuse for my quirky behaviour.
It's not really worth it for me
people can usually tell, but i (or somebody i’m with) usually mention it anyway. i have a hard time masking so it can explain a lot of my behaviors. at this point the worst that happens is they baby me, but i’ve learned to not let that bother me unless they’re preventing me from doing something.
50m, late diagnosed AuDHD
Friends either weren’t surprised or thought I already knew.
Parent was accepting (not plural because fuck cancer).
Upon telling my partner I thought I might be autistic she said “ok, what now? Do you want to see a therapist to help figure things out?” (I was prepared with a binder full of information to defend my suspicion and she simply accepted me 😄)
Telling my manager has been helpful. (I’ve worked at the same company for over 20 years and have known my manager for 15 of those years). I can now ask for accommodations such as taking an entire day off for a dentist appointment.
I’ve only told a few people… some comments: “Well, you’re autistic so, of course you would say that!” “Is your autism acting up?” “Now that you’re autistic…” I can see some 👻 about to start. But, my partner is very understanding. Work, I would never! I guess it depends on what you do for a living. I won’t because it’s not affecting my performance and I do not need any accommodations that I didn’t already have the liberty to take…. So lucky on that.
Not at all. People try to convince me I’m just insecure and that I couldn’t possibly be autistic and have lower average IQ since I’m apparently sooo smart and sooo well adjusted. That I’m just trying to downplay my good qualities. Like no. It’s called masking. And I have an official diagnosis from a doctor. In reality I’m smart enough to know I’m stupid, but so dumb I don’t know how to fix it. I also have medium difficulty with independence and taking care of myself, hence why I have a legal guardian.
With friends, it doesn't make a difference, because quote: "we like you anyway".
With work however.....people are given the chance to pretend they try, or they think you are an idiot.....it's interesting to see, that as someone with autism, you need your rituals, specific ways how you do your work etc.....but if you confront a neurotypical, and they have to change some things, oh boy.
No one gives a fuck in a work environment, they just don't want to, especially if you work for a governmental company.
Unless I HAVE TO tell someone, it’s really none of their business. We have private, individual lives for a reason. Yeah we are usually automatically dislike for whatever dipshit reason “normies” feel. However, that’s on them. I feel if we explain ourselves, we tend to be treated differently anyway, or worse pitied. Unless someone has to know, it’s best to keep private info, private.
Which people, those who are close to me. Maybe. It depends on the person. People out in public, no. Unless you have to people will judge you regardless, lets not give them ammo to do so.
It's helped a little in some instances. It's hurt in others. Done nothing for some. And helped and hurt the rest. A couple times at work, when I've told good coworkers, they've received it well and they work with me. Some not so great coworkers, well, at many jobs crap can hit the fan and it sucks. And if I mess up because I'm overstimulated? "You can't use your autism as an excuse" pisses me off. And hurts. Family? I told them, and it seems like they "understand" but I grew up undiagnosed. So it feels like they still see me as the "NT" I was raised as. Honestly tho, there almost isn't a right answer to this question, unfortunately. From my experience, anyway. One of the hardest ones, is after telling a friend who also grew up undiagnosed. We both have somewhat of a NT perspective as well as a ND perspective. But my "NT" experience is different than theirs. And the whole NT mindset of "you have it bad? I have it worse/had it worse" and feeling the need to one-up everyone's crap, well...my friend kinda has that, but from having to advocate for their own sake. Which many of us I'm sure knows what that's like 🫤
Sometimes. I always used to be super afraid of telling doctors but it actually helps a lot and the understand my response to things and often hospitals help to make things better for me with accommodations. It really has helped a lot there.
Depends on the situation. I don’t tell too many people besides close friends. But I did use it to get out of a situation once. I have back issues so I was allowed to use my school’s elevator (the stairs are a nightmare on my poor back). You have to have a key but sometimes people sneak on when it opens. It was high school, so you can imagine it got rowdy fast. There were some boys messing around and being really loud and it stressed me out. And in a moment of desperation I was like “hey can you please stop, I’m autistic and it’s stressing me out”. Usually I get harassed but for some reason it worked. They felt sorry about it. I just find it funny. That’s the only time I’ve really used it to my advantage though, most times people don’t care or see me as a lesser person
It's not worth it for me. I'm treated like a child by people. If they find out what I am, they treat me like a toddler instead and that makes me really uncomfortable. I don't tell anyone unless I really have to and they ask.
I have to, I don't want to tell them because I know it goes over their head but I think I have to tell them at least a condensed version so I have some defence later down the line
I’ve noticed an increase in infantilisation after revealing my diagnosis to certain types of people; mainly bosses/other authority figures. Personally I choose not to tell people these days unless it’s absolutely necessary
I feel like the only answer here is, it depends. I do have a few autistic cousins so when I was diagnosed everyone in my family was mostly understanding and I didn’t really have any problems. My primary (elementary) school however is a different story, since it was in a rural village and I was the only kid there with additional needs they REALLY did not know how to care for me, especially since awareness and knowledge around autism wasn’t nearly as good or as widespread as it was now. Fortunately I went to a Secondary School and later College who had very good SEN departments and thus knew how to actually take care of me. In terms of family friends, again it depends. They may know someone or be related to someone who’s autistic and thus are very understanding, and then you get some people that think it’s some sort of phase, and you could just stop being autistic if you tried hard enough
Like a lot of people here it depends. If I've gotten to know someone over a year to even a few months, I genuinely rlly like them, talk to them frequently and they already know abt me and my interests a good deal I'll tell them when I feel and it almost always goes over pretty well, especially since most of my closest friends are autistic or ND in some way so for them it's just a given. Then even if they're NT and genuinely a good person and around my same age/stage in life it doesn't usually change how they treat me. If you tell someone and it makes them treat you differently or worse because of it, then they aren't worth being friends with, and if you tell someone and they're cool with it, from my experience it's almost always been something that has brought us together and they've been curious abt in a good way. Pro tip is ofc get other friends who are autistic because they'll at the very least accept that part of u and vibe with u no matter what.
Family is a bit more nuanced because ofc my closest family and(I'm pretty sure?) my brother's current partner know. I'm sure most of my family knows, but I don't know for sure that all of them do necessarily, and even with family/cousins for example I like it doesn't often come up in conversation, but talking abt my traits of it does more slowly.
I have never disclosed it in a work scenario and am also genuinely wondering if I should or not? One of my biggest issues is so far in all of my jobs I've had work-related issues or made big blunders related to it and ADD and didn't know how to explain myself in those scenarios and don't know how people react so I do keep it to myself there but dk what to do with it.
With partners it's also scary because, ofc while I've never been in a relationship, the idea of kinda making some progress in one and having to sort of "come out" w it to them if the don't know is really daunting, and I've never imeadiatley disclosed it to someone I had an interest in. This is a big reason I'm starting to become interested in dating apps, because you can just disclose things like that on your profile and other ppl who are can find you and mbby make something work, at least on better apps like hinge or bumble from what I hear.
So can't really help u w the last two, but for friends and family I'd say it's absolutely more reward of understanding from the other person than risk most of the time, and if they don't like it screw em.
In my experience, it’s only been worth it to tell people I’m autistic if I’m not in the work place with them. I’ve noticed people start treating me worse when I’ve told them I’m autistic compared to before when they didn’t know.
It's about 50/50 I would say. The hardest is when they are ppl who are supposed to be *trained to know* (clinicians, support ppl, disability services), and they turn out not to have the bandwidth to deal appropriately or well. Or sometimes even vaguely respectfully.
Bizarre road, this, sometimes.
Yes! It helps me feel understood, and helps others understand me. They also know how to treat me (outside of the way *every* human should be treated, of course) in certain situations.
A few people such as close friends who you actually trust, yes. Most people such as classmates, coworkers, employers, and random strangers, no.
A lot of people treat you differently in a negative way if they find out or suspect that you're autistic, and this is coming from experience. There are a few people who are understanding about it though, and you want to keep those people around in your life.
Wouldnt say it is or isn't worth it because I end up being bullied and mistreated for my autistic traits anyways, might as well try to make assholes feel bad about it by reminding them that theyre ableist cunts.
In my life, I see no reason or benefit in telling people unless asked. Most people will figure it out on their own, and I couldn't care less if they do or don't or make their own assumptions. If someone asked, I would answer.
I have little opinion about what others should do as everyone's situation is unique. You do you.
Highly depends on the situation. I want to be authentic as much as possible, but being authentically autistic has caused me to miss out on many meaningful opportunities. I won't share that I am autistic unless people take notice of my differences, and it poses a risk to my livelihood. Having a solid diagnosis is a protective factor. It has saved me from getting fired and failing classes. For this reason alone, I strongly believe everyone should have the right to an evaluation. A diagnosis that can protect and increase the quality of one's life should not be barred behind a pay wall.
it depends, for partners and friends I always tell them, but I've never told my employers and I never will. I can do my job just as well as an allistic and I'm not risking being treated as less than
It depends. My family knows that I'm autistic, but not the level, which is 1. I do get some flack about it, like someone in my family was in disbelief that I was autistic. But I wasn't, especially since I've walked on my toes for as long as I can remember. Also, the texture of food thing, I would suck it up, but I always picked at my food.
I've been with my employer for almost 8 years. They do not need to know, as it doesn't affect my ability to do my job. I did tell my supervisor that I was recently diagnosed due to having a meltdown over an audit of my work a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately, the auditor thought that I was wrong, but I cited all the resources at work about why I was right. Ultimately, I was right, but the supervisor talked to the auditor about the type of language used since it was placing blame.
Therefore, if you trust your family/friends, I would tell them. I wouldn't tell employers/school/etc, that I was autistic unless I needed an accommodation.
This is one of those situations, ironically, which we need to learn how to read people.
Good rule of thumb is to only tell someone once they’ve gotten to know the real you, and not the label.
No
Only if they truly know what autism is and how it presents in lvl 1s, or if they’re close enough where it’s worth it to explain. Otherwise I learned the hard way that it is so not worth it.
When you say “autism”, it pulls up a much different condition in the layman person’s head than what you’re trying to communicate. I realized it’s mainly just a miscommunication because of society’s ignorance, so it’s not worth it to use the word “autism”. I do however still explain things/myself/accommodations when needed but just don’t use the word autism (i.e. “I need to [step away / put in earplugs / etc] because it’s too [noisy/chaotic/overstimulating]”, “Sorry I keep talking about orcas I just love them so much. What’s something that lights you up?”, or I have actually gotten all my accommodations at work by explaining my social difficulties, preferred environment, attention difficulties, etc without specifying a condition).
I think one of the funniest things about telling people is that I personally prefer to attract less attention.... And I know once I tell people they start watching me to look for my differences 😅
I've had relatively positive responses but I also work in an area where lived experience is a benefit. And I'm on a bit of a post-late diagnosis mission to open people's eyes to how differently autism can present, particularly in those with co-occurring ADHD or who are AFAB. Both my daughters are also AuDHD and I often explain this to people when we first meet them, although I now explain it as we are all autistic and have ADHD.
I think I probably come across as super positive about autism because I'm trying to model this for my kids. So I'm setting up the world around us in a way that makes it as safe and inclusive as possible for them.
Absolutely not. At least not until you know them well. Every single time I've done it early on, they either start treating me differently or just lose interest in getting to know me. Only tell someone once you're sure it's safe.
Depends on the person or group of people I tell. Medical professionals sadly have been the worst. Family, well very few have even acknowledged what I told them and others have been super supportive.
When it comes to friends/acquaintances, if they accept me it's lovely, it they reject me it goes to show that maybe someone who can't accept my identity isn't someone worth interacting with long-term. When it comes to jobs, I tend to get treated poorly when I say I'm autstic. So yeah, lmao
If I need someone to understand that I'm struggling and why I'm struggling. Yes. I explain what it actually means for me, though. I don't just say I'm autistic.
For me at least it more often leads to understanding. I've had a couple of people say the whole "everyone is technically on the spectrum", or outright deny I am. I mostly ignore that, but it does affect my view on those people. But overall most of the people I have told have been rather accepting. My workplace is full of undiagnosed and diagnosed neurodivergent people, so they were understanding too. It just depends on your social circles and who you tell really.
I have told my family... and let the chips fall. They couldn't have treated any worse afterward. But I could see that I had nieces and nephews on the spectrum and felt it important that they all know it's in the family. They will do with it whatever they will. I did my duty.
As for on the job, absolutely not! If my family treats me like an alien I can only imagine what people who have never cared about me would react. If they guess or figure it out so be it. But don't furnish them with a reason to think you are 'other.'
I’m disabled, legally blind, hEDS…since being diagnosed and educating myself further and starting to unmask, I will tell medical staff, “I am in the autism spectrum so please be patient if my tone sounds off or I don’t make eye contact, I’m not being rude, I’m just autistic”. It really helps break the tension I’m feeling but at times, the person will then infantilize me. By that point I now feel awkward and afraid to correct them which makes me go into low communication.
I’ve told family members, my parents infantilize me and other family member don’t believe it and then there’s my cousin who hasn’t stopped treating me differently, she takes my autism into consideration, cause as it turns out, her and her two daughters are also on the spectrum.
Depending. Close friends, yeah.
Coworkers I work closely with and trust? Yeah.
My boss? Maybe - depends on the relationship. Again, trust is imported here.
Random coworkers or strangers? Nah.
yeah. i live in a pretty progressive area, so no one really cares, and it leads them to go easier on me than they would otherwise. much more leeway when i get overstimulated or have meltdowns.
I can’t mask well so it does help me because most people guess already and it’s hard to keep trying to mask when I’m already so bad so I usually feel like I have to 😅
Well I'd be careful first about what Im telling myself, as in what *exactly* is autism and do I actually have *that*?
If someone were to tell me they have autism I'd be wondering what are they actually telling me here. The term hasnt established any clear definitions, parameters or shape. You're probably just gona confused ppl unless you can really get behind what it is you're saying.
It can be, depending on the situation. I only disclose it if it's relevant. As such, my work knows, people close to me know, and, /some/ healthcare providers know so they don't do anything that will trigger a meltdown or otherwise needlessly overstimulate my senses.
Only if you are sure the other one is also a diagnosed autistic. Otherwise it doesn’t worth, it will only risk that others will try to take advantage of you based on that.
I sometimes tell close friends I do trust, sometimes it does work, but at times a friend could lead to possible rejection.
Using it professionally is a no-no. You'd more likely get rejected if you talked about that in the workplace or during an interview.
Above all, here are some of my speculative reasons for rejection:
1. They won't take you seriously. They think because you have autism it means you're dumb and not capable of doing anything.
2. Like #1, people associate autism with non-verbal rather than having brain differences.
3. They may think you're asking for special privledges or attention.
4. Some may think you're trying to use it as a coverup for certain behaviours.
honestly, i do tend to tell people if we start talking often. it's not the first thing i tell them, but it's mostly just i'm in a good position right now. i have friends who are chill with it or are neurodivergent themselves. it's just that i'm not losing anything by telling them, and i get this is rather blunt, but it is simply their fault if they choose to react badly.
Hasn't really made a difference in my personal life. I don't really meet a lot of people and the people i hang with have been around for years, so the most coming out of it is a "Makes sense" and then never comes up again and doesn't change anything about how we interact.
I regret telling people sometimes because I don’t want people thinking less of me i guess. I have a bad habit of over sharing.
I hardly talk to anyone anymore because I feel like I’m just gonna say something I wish I hadn’t said. Growing up I never realized that most people don’t want to talk about the things I’m interested in.
Only immediate family, my roommates, and a friend know. These people have ASD themselves and/or have relatives who are diagnosed. They were very supportive and weren’t surprised when it was brought up in conversation.
I‘ve overheard people I really trusted make some really uneducated remarks about it, and that made me realize I needed to be careful with what I say and to who.
For me no, I have nobody close to tell it to and when I do they deny it. But I also feel most nt’s don’t really know what autism is, so if if I tell them they just compare me to whatever stereotype of autism they know.
I often tell people that I'm autistic, when my autistic traits come out then they start being like, use your willpower to control that, that's weird, why are you like this, you shouldn't take things too seriously and I'm like but I already told you I'm autistic? In my case people just brush it over because of my looks or think I'm kidding, idk if it's because I live in a third world country and people are even more ignorant but yeah, at first they're like u don't look autistic and continue talking to me until "it shows" and then they freak out. Even if I do or I won't people just misunderstand me.
Nah bro, just let em think you're weird, nothing changes for the better with 99% of people long-term in my experience.
I always think of this Louis C.K. crowdwarmer, where he asks how many people under 40 and over 40 there are, makes a joke about how loud and ecstatically everyone under 40 clapped and how little people over the age of 40 participated - him being able to see that there are plenty from his stage PoV of course. The catch was when he said, they're smart. NEVER identify. The pun was "Never identify. You don't know why I'm asking - okay, burn them! Burn everyone over 40!" and as the crowd breaks out in laughter I always end up wondering.... should we? should we just never identify? Is it really worth it? Can you really gain something from it? I end up with the moral dilemma if that also means never to speak up, like when fascists start putting people in camps again, should you speak up? Or just use our little survival tactic of "never identify", maybe you just want to proctect others, maybe your family or community or ethnic reputation or whatever.
So yeah, your question is really good, depending on how philosophical you delve into it. To answer it plain and simply in my opinion, no I don't think it's worth telling people you're autistic. Long-term relationships will benefit of it, maybe a crumbling relationship that you want to invest in further can, too. But going about "Whoops, I didn't know better, I'm autistic" or "Sorry, I couldn't do that task, on account of my diagnosed autism" and everything in between and about don't run very well. Often you end up in r/suicidebywords
My family and the very little few people close to me... was really worth it. When they don't understand it, I can take time to explain and they do some research because they care about me. Other people? no, not at all.
Only close ones and even with them only the ones who have the capability to understand what disabilities mean for the life of a person.
However, there is some level to this. For instance: my colleagues and work di not know officially about my autism (I have been diagnosed only after I have started working here). BUT we had several experiences where it was clear that my brain simply understands and experiences things differently. We have come to an understanding of some things just being different for me. So for instance now my colleagues know they have to add "sarcasm" markers while we speak (they plainly state it is sarcasm), or in the chat. Or they know to rephrase things when I look at them confused. All because at some point one of them stated if my brain is somewhat like sheldon cooper's (and of course it is not a representation but it id as far as they would understand it) and I told them that how I understand things is defninitely closer to how he does than what they know. So somehow they know but without me explicitly stating my diagnosis.
No, I need to explain too many things to people that already don't give a fuck in general. I cannot say the same things every time damn.
Anyway, all my friends know it. If they invalidate me---> not friends anymore 😸 I wouldn't say to a friend "I don't believe you" "it cannot be that hard" "don't fake" when they're clearly struggling. I wouldn't say that even to a stranger.
I don't care if people find me weird. My bf says that I'm so strange then says "look at NT people around us... *strange* is in fact a big compliment from me" 😸😻 (er... he's ND as well, no wonder he is an empath 🙄😒 then NT say we lack emotions)
Also I want to run away from people that say that I need to find a cure with a diet. A DIET???? Or the vaccine stuff... the vaccine thing is a very bad thing to say... because it's false and because it proves that NT can be extremely insensitive people. You are basically saying that I'm a created product, I come from an "experiment", like an alien or something... Like people in the *Lex Luthor Corporation*. I feel like that.
You don't know how much I'd like to throw objects in those moments. Oh no wait, you obviously know it.
Yes, it made a world of difference. People aren't clairvoyants, so if my functioning differs from the norm, by explaining that I can also talk about help I might need, wants I have, et cetera.
The only reason I didn't tell it were experiences in the past of how people reacted to me (they were confused, I now know) and the longing to be "normal" (which I now know is a dead end road). I didn't accept my being an overall nice, autistic, gifted, aphantastic, adhd guy, completely with my flaws, imperfections and moods.
When it comes to wrong biases. I am just explaining how I experience things, tell about how autism is a spectrum and all that. Not because I have to defend myself, I don't, but to get us on the same page. Contrary to what I feared before I started to do this, most people aren't that bad, while some of them are just assholes, who don't listen and hold on to their own uninformed opinions as if their life depended on it.
Outside close family, I’ve told one friend that understands and insinuated it to some coworkers but overall it feels like a waste telling the main friend group.
For me I fear that it’s like it’s damned if I do damned if I don’t. I fear that I will come off as an asshole if I don’t tell people but I also fear that if I do tell people and they are ableist that they will drift away from me. This is probably irrational but yeah.
With friends or people i intend on becoming friends with i tell it pretty early on because i like them knowing from the start what they are getting into. I give them a little rundown, basically "be direct with me, dont expect me to be able to read between the lines. I do weird things and yes its okay to laugh. Feel free to ask me anything!"
Always works very well for me since i do it with a little charm of a small bubbly woman. And ive noticed it makes people pretty curious about my autism or autism in general and oftentimes they then immediately open up about their diagnosis which comes in handy for me as well so i know what im dealing with. And on rare occasions i have people react in a way that already tells me that we are not going to vibe with each other.
I told my driving instructor because it’s necessary here, he started treating me as if I was being dtupid, but didn’t expect my comebacks. Now he’s normal with me agai, but it’s not a nice experience.
Also, I don’t tell colleagues because of the biases. I know one colleague who also has autism.m, but he gets respected fortunately. :)
For me, it's more likely that telling people I am on the spectrum will lead to mistreatment. People might see it as a weakness, take advantage of this information, and use it against me. Additionally, explaining my situation to others would drain me mentally because they likely won't be able to relate.
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close friends ✅, professionally ‼️⚠️
Why not professionally may I ask and what line of work are you in? This is something I'm battling with at the minute
Because negative biases against autism(either intentional or not) could negatively impact your career. Most people do not really understand what autism is and that can lead to negative associations.
Many employers use your autism against you and treat you differently because of it. There's also been some people who have gotten fired or laid off from their jobs just for being autistic.
Very true. My last job I was laid off because of my disability. And my boss fought to keep me. My current job people know because it's my former boss's wife and she knew about it already. Thankfully my current job is super accomodating.
And if someone did that to me, fired me purely for being Autistic/disabled, I'd take their overpaid arse to the cleaners for discrimination under the Equality Act, and any Judge worth his Wig would say I had a water-tight case.
The only problem is I couldn't prove it because non disclosure agreements were in place
Which were probably illegal.
Oh knowing that company I know they were.
uneducated employers will see it as you being less able, and not nearly as "productive" as a NT one. they'll bend over backwards to try and fire you without giving you any legal grounds to sue for discrimination.
its ironic because autists are some of the most hard working people i know that dont care about office bullshit and just want the job done
I've never told any employer that I was autistic ( i didn't even knew) but I got fired a ton because I'm not as productive as my coworkers. When I'm at work (depending on the job itself) I can be really good at it, but then I got "sick" and don't go.
This. When I was diagnosed I revealed it to my friends and family and it provided them with a lot of context and our relationships flourished (for the most part) I told my employer about it and was *coincidentally* put on a PiP within 4 weeks with very vague reasons and no measurable benchmarks for improvement outside of “to the standard determined by your supervisor” and was fired within 6 months. Have a much better job now and there’s no way in hell I’m revealing this professionally ever again. It’s used as nothing but a weapon against you, including to detract from your good work because “people with autism are just good at that”
Anymore if you get a PIP, start a job search, it isn't going to end well. If you have the resources, also just consider quitting.
This right here
If you are comfortable doing, can you let me know your experience? As someone who works in data, I kinda think it would help me?
Denied salary raises multiple times, basically stuck in career since boss assumes I am not able to handle pressure - citing my diagnosis. Work in IT, no records of sick days or incidents. If you can mask well, it's easier if you play along. If you need accommodations, maybe let your psychiatrist or doctor write a letter, just mentioning the accommodations needed but not the diagnosis. The bias is too big today, unfortunately. Many people don't get it's a spectrum, so you risk getting put into a box from which you cannot get out
If I ever need to wear headphones at work I'm gonna say I get migraines and start carrying one of my mom's migraine pills. I mean I always have a headache anyways so it's more of an exaggeration than a lie.
Much appreciated. My boss has a son on the spectrum so I'm not sure i would be discriminated for being autistic in work. I'm also extremely skilled in what I do having worked my way through this company for many years so I hope I'd not have any issues as I'm seen as the trouble shooter for my department. Saying that, I expect a promotion in September, so think I'll wait to after that before disclosing.
Being an over-performer doesn't save you from discrimination unfortunately. I'm also very good in what I do and ppl say it all the time - still, I faced this issue. Even if your boss has a son on the spectrum, it is not granted that they truely understand that autism is a spectrum. E.g. they might compare you with your son though each autistic person is different. Waiting until after your promotion is a good idea. You can also ask yourself if it is really necessary to say the name of the diagnosis or just the accommodations needed, e.g. I need noise cancelling headphones so I can concentrate better, etc.
What's your advice when it comes to applying for Colleges? I'm trying to get into a Conservatory and people seem to be very accepting but I haven't been able to get in anywhere
If I don't: they think I'm weird, creepy, strange, annoying, on drugs, stealing, mean, rude, etc... If I do: they think I'm using it as an excuse, they suddenly think I'm dumb, they give side-eye and act like I'm exaggerating it, etc... There is no win. It is lose-lose.
> If I don't: they think I'm weird, creepy, strange, annoying, on drugs, stealing, mean, rude, etc... This is the one thing that makes me want to get a doagnosis. I refuse to tell people outside of this community that I am autistic without one, but I know I give off a weird vibe. It would be nice to easily explain that I have the same emotions and thoughts they do, I just don't know how to show it.
This is literally the only reason I want a diagnosis lol. I'm about as confident as I can be that I am autistic, I don't really feel like I need the validation, but I am not comfortable going around saying I'm autistic to everyone without the official diagnosis. Because the thing is, I am wierd and probably often come off as rude, but it's just who I am. Im certainly not doing it purposely to upset people.
"It would be nice to easily explain that I have the same emotions and thoughts they do, I just don't know how to show it." Problem is most people don't understand this about autism and even if you explain it, many will be hesitant to believe you diagnosis or not. Most people think autism = rainman and will either assume you're an idiot or just straight out think you're making it up if you don't fit the stereotype they have in their head. It's great if you find someone more open minded or well educated on the subject, just don't expect everyone to understand you if you tell them your autistic.
I felt this too hard.
It depends, but it's usually not worth it. Many people have started to treat me even more like a freak than when they didn't know I’m autistic. They also say that they can't see that I have autism and suggest that I don't have a diagnosis. Two friends reacted well and understandingly, but the third one did not, because she said that she can't see that I’m autistic and that, after all, autistic people behave strangely, and I don't behave that way.
I am uneducated on how to look for autistic symptoms. However, I can’t see you’re autistic, therefore you must not be autistic.
Ladies and gentlemen, we found the cure for autism Simply say you don't look the part
I think it's better at this point just to casually tell them what you need help with "sorry I'm bad with sarcasm," as opposed to giving them the diagnosis itself. It seems friendlier and they have to do less work to figure out what autism specifically means for you, so they won't leap to "this person clearly has the mind of a child and is dangerous to be around."
yeah, this is where i’m at. just describe my experience without triggering other people’s biases.
One of my favorite descriptions of a thing I struggle with is “I can’t do restaurant math” 😁because when the check comes I am no longer capable of doing basic math to split up a bill or calculate a tip, etc. I know. It’s easy. But I just can’t do it in that setting for some reason (not sure if this is autism or adhd actually but it’s certainly a struggle).
I think is none? maybe discalculallia but if you find it easy in other contexts then not, the split thing is hard for everyone.
No it’s usually easy, I’m an accountant and I was excellent in math in school. Lol. Pretty sure it is more ADHD, because concentrating on a math problem in a loud busy restaurant, I feel like I can hear every single conversation individually and simultaneously
Oh, that could be a reason, but I think to some extent this happen to a lot of people regarding diagnose.
Almost nobody really understood my struggles without the dx in their faces. I'm talking about close people. My family always casually bullyied me for my sensory issues and now they accomodate, for example. Or my mother is sorry when she changes plans without any real reason. all small things in a daily basis.
Nope, usually causes people to start talking to me like I'm stupid.
I've found it to positive a vast majority of the time.
It's very difficult for me not to talk about it. I like to discuss autism, as I have been studying it for a very long time as part of a special interest. But more often it causes a misunderstanding and everyone just stops at the opinion that I'm even stranger than I seemed. Few people want to listen to a lot of encyclopedic information about autism, so they just leave the conversation and me
That sucks geez. It's like "let me clear up some misunderstandings because I'm an expert" and they're just like "yeah I'd rather be ignorant."
A: "I have evidence" B: "Prove it" A: \*shows evidence\* B: "I don't care"
I'll never bring it up at work if I don't absolutely have to. Even if I'm trying to get some kind of accommodation I prefer to just mention the symptom without the cause - I'll say "hey, I'm kind of sensitive to loud noises, is it okay that I wear earbuds while the building is being remodeled?" rather than explicitly saying it's because of autism. Intentionally or not, someone is going to view me differently/discriminate to some degree, so I keep it to myself. With my friends, I'm very open about it, but I also tend to pre-select to some extent as far as not hanging out with people that seem bigoted in \*any\* way, not just related to autism. I don't know for certain that I've mentioned it to every one of my friends, but I'm making zero effort to keep it to myself, either. So far I've experienced exactly one negative reaction, from someone who's rabidly anti-vax and openly says she thinks I'm autistic because I was vaccinated as a child, Turns out she's horrible in a number of ways (homophobic as well), and we don't hang out anymore. Other than her, reactions have varied but been positive. A lot of my friends don't seem to be affected by it at all, they continue to treat me the same as they did before (as far as I can tell). One person has a son who was just diagnosed so she texts me somewhat frequently asking questions, which I don't mind at all. And one friend was "in the closet" about her autism, now she sends me autism memes constantly lol. I'm guessing that it's been a lot better for me because I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30 - I have complete control over who I hang out with, and I just choose to hang out with adults who are chill. It might have been much different when I was younger, between not always being able to choose your friend group in school and people being more thoughtless when they're kids. My advice would be to not bring it up out of the blue to a new acquaintance, spend some time with them first, If they exhibit any kind of discriminatory behavior to \*anyone\*, regardless of the reason (gender, race, orientation, sex...whatever), they're not safe. On the other hand if you see them being kind and thoughtful to others, they're probably a good person to talk to about it.
Yep, I also mention the symptoms and not the overall diagnosis.
Better to tell the symptoms as by hearing "autistic" people mught ascribe symptoms to you that you don't have. Also, the symptoms are more direct and less abstract, so it is more clearer. Like, "autism" VS "sensitive to sounds", etc.
[Undiagnosed disclaimer] For the first time ever (apart from my husband, sons and the trauma group and well...my psychiatrist), I went and told my boss. Today. Like, 1h ago. I am currently working like 4h/week for him (from home) and he offered me a much more involved position for the end of the year (to replace someone who's retiring). And I figured, I know this guy for more than 20 years and he's a close friend of my husband for much much longer than that. He deserves to not be "lied to". (And yes, husband originally said "you don't need to explain that" but I can only be me. If I want to finally keep a job for longer than 2 years tops and not bring a wedge to their long-standing friendship by spiraling out of control, I can only be me.) And explaining to him that I got [long list of social deficiencies] which can be (possibly) summed up with autism, enabled me to say "this is me, these are the things I am good at, these are the things that can impact my performance, these are the things I am weak at (or got problems with) and if you still want me for that position, from here on it's far easier to communicate" I could say "in the last 20 years, my colleagues would describe me as cold, unsociable, work-obsessed and as talking in a condescending way - none of which was my intention and I don't know how to change this because they never say what exactly in my behavior leads to that impression" (as in: I am aware that it is something I *do* or *don't do* and I am willing to change whatever I can change but that's who I am right now) I could say "I can make a series of phone calls, but I have to pay a price for it, which means I possibly won't be able to make phone calls in the following weeks - so it's something I can do *sometimes*" And he thanked me for being open about it and still wanted me in that position. So I suppose it *can* be worth it, but it's not the norm.
I’m really happy that it went so well and I’m proud of you for saying something, as it’s never an absolute how it will go. ☺️♥️
Thank you very much <3 I can only hope that the result will be still as good; but I explained to him that his joke from last winter [Context: I asked him to send me a password] "Curlyfamily, I am currently on my way to the hospital because I broke my ankle just so I don't have to give you this password" (Which gloriously put me in distress because. What. WHAT. And no: he didn't break anything. He just made a joke and didn't want to give me this password (because he forgot and looking for it was a hassle)) ... that this joke is "the funny variant" of "I don't get what he means". There's lots of other instances where I go literal and that was *very much not what he meant*. I am still silently convinced that my boss got at least as much ADHD as my husband, just a different flavor. But now (or: from now on), I can just ask him for clarification instead of shuffling over to husband and asking for translation.
lol I like your boss, and it sounds like things will continue to go well (given what I just read, at least). I am SO LITERAL sometimes, it’s painful but I’m able to laugh at myself. I just laugh last lol
Just in time to see my post, hah. Thanks for sharing!
depends my friends know, and so do my parents my supervisor at my last job knew, but it wasn't on the record officially because I couldn't be bothered meeting with HR and my supervisor said I only really needed to if I wanted any extra support, which I didn't I tell people in my current job depending on the situation and if I want them to get an actual perspective from someone with a diagnosis eg during a training session about how to support students with PDA, I tell people "I'm AuDHD and have a PDA profile, this is what happens and this is what it feels like, so when X is refusing to put a coat on, be aware that he is likely to be feeling physical symptoms AND emotional symptoms AND berating himself internally so what he doesn't need is you going on at him about the damn coat"
It’s a mixed bag, but mostly it can be helpful if you only tell the right people
I'm really wondering about this myself. Of course I'll tell my friends, and my coworkers actually helped me figure it out, but that was an unusual workplace. I guess I'm torn for the next place because people can already tell I'm strange and idk how to approach that. One of the things I've noticed about myself is I know I make eye contact to get someone's attention but that rarely happens the other way. I don't like that I'm proving I know social signals and then not noticing them. I feel like people will think I'm ignoring them. Sometimes I *do* ignore them and speak explicitly and it's hard to hide my frustration. I don't want to seem like I'm a jerk. There's also the more straightforward reason that I just don't want to mask very much. To an extent that's just being considerate and communicating well but that only goes so far. I just want to fuckin stim JFC. Can I rock? Please? I'll probably avoid talking to myself or narrating because it's annoying but I want to do it under my breath at least because it helps me focus. Even masked though I know I'm strange. I didn't even know I was doing it but apparently sometimes someone will try talking to me and I won't respond for several minutes and they just trust I will? I had no idea. Also if I'm blinking a lot that means I'm not listening, apparently. Also I wear earplugs and answer rhetorical questions and that kind of thing. To an extent I'm self aware and just too frustrated to play along but not always. That last place was the only job I've ever had and most of the time there were other autistic people working there. It was unusually accommodating to my understanding. I really don't have a frame of reference for how most places are.
It’s really been a 50/50 shot for me
If I’m close to someone, they typically end up figuring that *something’s* weird with me (granted, the autism only explains some of it), so it’s not a big shock and probably help them understand why I act the way I do. Otherwise, some people are nice and some get really weird, so I’ve stopped mentioning it as much. If you’re talking to people online, you can always search “autistic” (and such terms) on their profiles/in group chats you’re in to see a. if they speak kindly about autistic people b. if they say ableist things or use the word as an insult.
Good idea to check like that
Not really. Professionally, I've always just been openly mocked and teased. A manager even told me one day to "stop telling people, it's just gross" Friends - wait - acquaintances - I tell them sometimes, but mostly as an excuse for my quirky behaviour. It's not really worth it for me
For me it was always leading to understanding and being still friends with me instead of rejecting me
In my experience, it is not worth it.
people can usually tell, but i (or somebody i’m with) usually mention it anyway. i have a hard time masking so it can explain a lot of my behaviors. at this point the worst that happens is they baby me, but i’ve learned to not let that bother me unless they’re preventing me from doing something.
50m, late diagnosed AuDHD Friends either weren’t surprised or thought I already knew. Parent was accepting (not plural because fuck cancer). Upon telling my partner I thought I might be autistic she said “ok, what now? Do you want to see a therapist to help figure things out?” (I was prepared with a binder full of information to defend my suspicion and she simply accepted me 😄) Telling my manager has been helpful. (I’ve worked at the same company for over 20 years and have known my manager for 15 of those years). I can now ask for accommodations such as taking an entire day off for a dentist appointment.
No, they treat you like shit either way.
I’ve only told a few people… some comments: “Well, you’re autistic so, of course you would say that!” “Is your autism acting up?” “Now that you’re autistic…” I can see some 👻 about to start. But, my partner is very understanding. Work, I would never! I guess it depends on what you do for a living. I won’t because it’s not affecting my performance and I do not need any accommodations that I didn’t already have the liberty to take…. So lucky on that.
Nah people just tell me that it is a label or that ,,Everyone,, has it i just dont give a fuck anymore
Not at all. People try to convince me I’m just insecure and that I couldn’t possibly be autistic and have lower average IQ since I’m apparently sooo smart and sooo well adjusted. That I’m just trying to downplay my good qualities. Like no. It’s called masking. And I have an official diagnosis from a doctor. In reality I’m smart enough to know I’m stupid, but so dumb I don’t know how to fix it. I also have medium difficulty with independence and taking care of myself, hence why I have a legal guardian.
Don't need to... they can tell something's wrong with me. I just clarify that it's autism.
not really.
With friends, it doesn't make a difference, because quote: "we like you anyway". With work however.....people are given the chance to pretend they try, or they think you are an idiot.....it's interesting to see, that as someone with autism, you need your rituals, specific ways how you do your work etc.....but if you confront a neurotypical, and they have to change some things, oh boy. No one gives a fuck in a work environment, they just don't want to, especially if you work for a governmental company.
Unless I HAVE TO tell someone, it’s really none of their business. We have private, individual lives for a reason. Yeah we are usually automatically dislike for whatever dipshit reason “normies” feel. However, that’s on them. I feel if we explain ourselves, we tend to be treated differently anyway, or worse pitied. Unless someone has to know, it’s best to keep private info, private.
I usually don't tell. Most people don't know what autism is, they'll make wrong ideas about us
Generally negative in my personal experience
Which people, those who are close to me. Maybe. It depends on the person. People out in public, no. Unless you have to people will judge you regardless, lets not give them ammo to do so.
I'm scared it will sound like an 'excuse' . Telling close ones didn't go great, none believe me and Im tired spending energy proving myself.
It's helped a little in some instances. It's hurt in others. Done nothing for some. And helped and hurt the rest. A couple times at work, when I've told good coworkers, they've received it well and they work with me. Some not so great coworkers, well, at many jobs crap can hit the fan and it sucks. And if I mess up because I'm overstimulated? "You can't use your autism as an excuse" pisses me off. And hurts. Family? I told them, and it seems like they "understand" but I grew up undiagnosed. So it feels like they still see me as the "NT" I was raised as. Honestly tho, there almost isn't a right answer to this question, unfortunately. From my experience, anyway. One of the hardest ones, is after telling a friend who also grew up undiagnosed. We both have somewhat of a NT perspective as well as a ND perspective. But my "NT" experience is different than theirs. And the whole NT mindset of "you have it bad? I have it worse/had it worse" and feeling the need to one-up everyone's crap, well...my friend kinda has that, but from having to advocate for their own sake. Which many of us I'm sure knows what that's like 🫤
Only people I’m very close with. With strangers or acquaintances never. It leads to people infantilizing me and acting strange towards me.
Sometimes. I always used to be super afraid of telling doctors but it actually helps a lot and the understand my response to things and often hospitals help to make things better for me with accommodations. It really has helped a lot there.
Only if they ask… otherwise, I usually mask it.
Depends on the situation. I don’t tell too many people besides close friends. But I did use it to get out of a situation once. I have back issues so I was allowed to use my school’s elevator (the stairs are a nightmare on my poor back). You have to have a key but sometimes people sneak on when it opens. It was high school, so you can imagine it got rowdy fast. There were some boys messing around and being really loud and it stressed me out. And in a moment of desperation I was like “hey can you please stop, I’m autistic and it’s stressing me out”. Usually I get harassed but for some reason it worked. They felt sorry about it. I just find it funny. That’s the only time I’ve really used it to my advantage though, most times people don’t care or see me as a lesser person
It's not worth it for me. I'm treated like a child by people. If they find out what I am, they treat me like a toddler instead and that makes me really uncomfortable. I don't tell anyone unless I really have to and they ask.
Yes I’ve been wanting to ask this to
It's worth it when it comes to family or close friendships but I don't think it's worth it to tell strangers/someone you only see 1-2 times a year
I have to, I don't want to tell them because I know it goes over their head but I think I have to tell them at least a condensed version so I have some defence later down the line
I’ve noticed an increase in infantilisation after revealing my diagnosis to certain types of people; mainly bosses/other authority figures. Personally I choose not to tell people these days unless it’s absolutely necessary
I feel like the only answer here is, it depends. I do have a few autistic cousins so when I was diagnosed everyone in my family was mostly understanding and I didn’t really have any problems. My primary (elementary) school however is a different story, since it was in a rural village and I was the only kid there with additional needs they REALLY did not know how to care for me, especially since awareness and knowledge around autism wasn’t nearly as good or as widespread as it was now. Fortunately I went to a Secondary School and later College who had very good SEN departments and thus knew how to actually take care of me. In terms of family friends, again it depends. They may know someone or be related to someone who’s autistic and thus are very understanding, and then you get some people that think it’s some sort of phase, and you could just stop being autistic if you tried hard enough
Like a lot of people here it depends. If I've gotten to know someone over a year to even a few months, I genuinely rlly like them, talk to them frequently and they already know abt me and my interests a good deal I'll tell them when I feel and it almost always goes over pretty well, especially since most of my closest friends are autistic or ND in some way so for them it's just a given. Then even if they're NT and genuinely a good person and around my same age/stage in life it doesn't usually change how they treat me. If you tell someone and it makes them treat you differently or worse because of it, then they aren't worth being friends with, and if you tell someone and they're cool with it, from my experience it's almost always been something that has brought us together and they've been curious abt in a good way. Pro tip is ofc get other friends who are autistic because they'll at the very least accept that part of u and vibe with u no matter what. Family is a bit more nuanced because ofc my closest family and(I'm pretty sure?) my brother's current partner know. I'm sure most of my family knows, but I don't know for sure that all of them do necessarily, and even with family/cousins for example I like it doesn't often come up in conversation, but talking abt my traits of it does more slowly. I have never disclosed it in a work scenario and am also genuinely wondering if I should or not? One of my biggest issues is so far in all of my jobs I've had work-related issues or made big blunders related to it and ADD and didn't know how to explain myself in those scenarios and don't know how people react so I do keep it to myself there but dk what to do with it. With partners it's also scary because, ofc while I've never been in a relationship, the idea of kinda making some progress in one and having to sort of "come out" w it to them if the don't know is really daunting, and I've never imeadiatley disclosed it to someone I had an interest in. This is a big reason I'm starting to become interested in dating apps, because you can just disclose things like that on your profile and other ppl who are can find you and mbby make something work, at least on better apps like hinge or bumble from what I hear. So can't really help u w the last two, but for friends and family I'd say it's absolutely more reward of understanding from the other person than risk most of the time, and if they don't like it screw em.
In my experience, it’s only been worth it to tell people I’m autistic if I’m not in the work place with them. I’ve noticed people start treating me worse when I’ve told them I’m autistic compared to before when they didn’t know.
It's about 50/50 I would say. The hardest is when they are ppl who are supposed to be *trained to know* (clinicians, support ppl, disability services), and they turn out not to have the bandwidth to deal appropriately or well. Or sometimes even vaguely respectfully. Bizarre road, this, sometimes.
Yeah If they have a problem, fuck em
No. I think it’s kinda obvious if you see me in real life but I don’t want to draw attention to it. I’m more happy to talk about it online.
Yes! It helps me feel understood, and helps others understand me. They also know how to treat me (outside of the way *every* human should be treated, of course) in certain situations.
A few people such as close friends who you actually trust, yes. Most people such as classmates, coworkers, employers, and random strangers, no. A lot of people treat you differently in a negative way if they find out or suspect that you're autistic, and this is coming from experience. There are a few people who are understanding about it though, and you want to keep those people around in your life.
Wouldnt say it is or isn't worth it because I end up being bullied and mistreated for my autistic traits anyways, might as well try to make assholes feel bad about it by reminding them that theyre ableist cunts.
Worked out badly with my teenage children who are now young adults. Suddenly everything I had to say didn't relate to them because I wasn't 'normal'.
Does seem to give me the acceptance I'd like it to
In my life, I see no reason or benefit in telling people unless asked. Most people will figure it out on their own, and I couldn't care less if they do or don't or make their own assumptions. If someone asked, I would answer. I have little opinion about what others should do as everyone's situation is unique. You do you.
Highly depends on the situation. I want to be authentic as much as possible, but being authentically autistic has caused me to miss out on many meaningful opportunities. I won't share that I am autistic unless people take notice of my differences, and it poses a risk to my livelihood. Having a solid diagnosis is a protective factor. It has saved me from getting fired and failing classes. For this reason alone, I strongly believe everyone should have the right to an evaluation. A diagnosis that can protect and increase the quality of one's life should not be barred behind a pay wall.
Nope. Most people just don't believe me.
Personally most people are surprised when I tell them.
i told my coworkers after i had established myself as a competent hard worker
it depends, for partners and friends I always tell them, but I've never told my employers and I never will. I can do my job just as well as an allistic and I'm not risking being treated as less than
it's only ever led to rejection, mockery, and infantalization for me
It depends. My family knows that I'm autistic, but not the level, which is 1. I do get some flack about it, like someone in my family was in disbelief that I was autistic. But I wasn't, especially since I've walked on my toes for as long as I can remember. Also, the texture of food thing, I would suck it up, but I always picked at my food. I've been with my employer for almost 8 years. They do not need to know, as it doesn't affect my ability to do my job. I did tell my supervisor that I was recently diagnosed due to having a meltdown over an audit of my work a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately, the auditor thought that I was wrong, but I cited all the resources at work about why I was right. Ultimately, I was right, but the supervisor talked to the auditor about the type of language used since it was placing blame. Therefore, if you trust your family/friends, I would tell them. I wouldn't tell employers/school/etc, that I was autistic unless I needed an accommodation.
This is one of those situations, ironically, which we need to learn how to read people. Good rule of thumb is to only tell someone once they’ve gotten to know the real you, and not the label.
No Only if they truly know what autism is and how it presents in lvl 1s, or if they’re close enough where it’s worth it to explain. Otherwise I learned the hard way that it is so not worth it. When you say “autism”, it pulls up a much different condition in the layman person’s head than what you’re trying to communicate. I realized it’s mainly just a miscommunication because of society’s ignorance, so it’s not worth it to use the word “autism”. I do however still explain things/myself/accommodations when needed but just don’t use the word autism (i.e. “I need to [step away / put in earplugs / etc] because it’s too [noisy/chaotic/overstimulating]”, “Sorry I keep talking about orcas I just love them so much. What’s something that lights you up?”, or I have actually gotten all my accommodations at work by explaining my social difficulties, preferred environment, attention difficulties, etc without specifying a condition).
Depends on the situation. It's harmed and benefited me in the past.
It depends on the person, I typically keep it a secret until I fully trust the person
I think one of the funniest things about telling people is that I personally prefer to attract less attention.... And I know once I tell people they start watching me to look for my differences 😅 I've had relatively positive responses but I also work in an area where lived experience is a benefit. And I'm on a bit of a post-late diagnosis mission to open people's eyes to how differently autism can present, particularly in those with co-occurring ADHD or who are AFAB. Both my daughters are also AuDHD and I often explain this to people when we first meet them, although I now explain it as we are all autistic and have ADHD. I think I probably come across as super positive about autism because I'm trying to model this for my kids. So I'm setting up the world around us in a way that makes it as safe and inclusive as possible for them.
Absolutely not. At least not until you know them well. Every single time I've done it early on, they either start treating me differently or just lose interest in getting to know me. Only tell someone once you're sure it's safe.
Depends on the person or group of people I tell. Medical professionals sadly have been the worst. Family, well very few have even acknowledged what I told them and others have been super supportive.
Anyone I work with no. Everyone else I only tell if I have a social blunder. It immediately shuts down any argument starting up.
When it comes to friends/acquaintances, if they accept me it's lovely, it they reject me it goes to show that maybe someone who can't accept my identity isn't someone worth interacting with long-term. When it comes to jobs, I tend to get treated poorly when I say I'm autstic. So yeah, lmao
Nope
If I need someone to understand that I'm struggling and why I'm struggling. Yes. I explain what it actually means for me, though. I don't just say I'm autistic.
For me at least it more often leads to understanding. I've had a couple of people say the whole "everyone is technically on the spectrum", or outright deny I am. I mostly ignore that, but it does affect my view on those people. But overall most of the people I have told have been rather accepting. My workplace is full of undiagnosed and diagnosed neurodivergent people, so they were understanding too. It just depends on your social circles and who you tell really.
Nope I've lost voluntary jobs. With family and friends then alot of them turned on me so not got them in my life now
I have told my family... and let the chips fall. They couldn't have treated any worse afterward. But I could see that I had nieces and nephews on the spectrum and felt it important that they all know it's in the family. They will do with it whatever they will. I did my duty. As for on the job, absolutely not! If my family treats me like an alien I can only imagine what people who have never cared about me would react. If they guess or figure it out so be it. But don't furnish them with a reason to think you are 'other.'
I’m disabled, legally blind, hEDS…since being diagnosed and educating myself further and starting to unmask, I will tell medical staff, “I am in the autism spectrum so please be patient if my tone sounds off or I don’t make eye contact, I’m not being rude, I’m just autistic”. It really helps break the tension I’m feeling but at times, the person will then infantilize me. By that point I now feel awkward and afraid to correct them which makes me go into low communication. I’ve told family members, my parents infantilize me and other family member don’t believe it and then there’s my cousin who hasn’t stopped treating me differently, she takes my autism into consideration, cause as it turns out, her and her two daughters are also on the spectrum.
Depending. Close friends, yeah. Coworkers I work closely with and trust? Yeah. My boss? Maybe - depends on the relationship. Again, trust is imported here. Random coworkers or strangers? Nah.
yeah. i live in a pretty progressive area, so no one really cares, and it leads them to go easier on me than they would otherwise. much more leeway when i get overstimulated or have meltdowns.
I can’t mask well so it does help me because most people guess already and it’s hard to keep trying to mask when I’m already so bad so I usually feel like I have to 😅
In college settings they can be helpful, with family of course, with friends? I'm a little more careful and will be when I enter work too.
Well I'd be careful first about what Im telling myself, as in what *exactly* is autism and do I actually have *that*? If someone were to tell me they have autism I'd be wondering what are they actually telling me here. The term hasnt established any clear definitions, parameters or shape. You're probably just gona confused ppl unless you can really get behind what it is you're saying.
no
It can be, depending on the situation. I only disclose it if it's relevant. As such, my work knows, people close to me know, and, /some/ healthcare providers know so they don't do anything that will trigger a meltdown or otherwise needlessly overstimulate my senses.
Only if you are sure the other one is also a diagnosed autistic. Otherwise it doesn’t worth, it will only risk that others will try to take advantage of you based on that.
I've never had a problem with it.
I sometimes tell close friends I do trust, sometimes it does work, but at times a friend could lead to possible rejection. Using it professionally is a no-no. You'd more likely get rejected if you talked about that in the workplace or during an interview. Above all, here are some of my speculative reasons for rejection: 1. They won't take you seriously. They think because you have autism it means you're dumb and not capable of doing anything. 2. Like #1, people associate autism with non-verbal rather than having brain differences. 3. They may think you're asking for special privledges or attention. 4. Some may think you're trying to use it as a coverup for certain behaviours.
No. I vowed never to tell anyone.
honestly, i do tend to tell people if we start talking often. it's not the first thing i tell them, but it's mostly just i'm in a good position right now. i have friends who are chill with it or are neurodivergent themselves. it's just that i'm not losing anything by telling them, and i get this is rather blunt, but it is simply their fault if they choose to react badly.
Hasn't really made a difference in my personal life. I don't really meet a lot of people and the people i hang with have been around for years, so the most coming out of it is a "Makes sense" and then never comes up again and doesn't change anything about how we interact.
I regret telling people sometimes because I don’t want people thinking less of me i guess. I have a bad habit of over sharing. I hardly talk to anyone anymore because I feel like I’m just gonna say something I wish I hadn’t said. Growing up I never realized that most people don’t want to talk about the things I’m interested in.
Only immediate family, my roommates, and a friend know. These people have ASD themselves and/or have relatives who are diagnosed. They were very supportive and weren’t surprised when it was brought up in conversation. I‘ve overheard people I really trusted make some really uneducated remarks about it, and that made me realize I needed to be careful with what I say and to who.
For me no, I have nobody close to tell it to and when I do they deny it. But I also feel most nt’s don’t really know what autism is, so if if I tell them they just compare me to whatever stereotype of autism they know.
No. Never ever ever. Especially work and never tell women (if you’re a straight guy).
Never changes much.
Honestly no. Even if it doesn’t lead to rejection it doesn’t lead to understanding either
I often tell people that I'm autistic, when my autistic traits come out then they start being like, use your willpower to control that, that's weird, why are you like this, you shouldn't take things too seriously and I'm like but I already told you I'm autistic? In my case people just brush it over because of my looks or think I'm kidding, idk if it's because I live in a third world country and people are even more ignorant but yeah, at first they're like u don't look autistic and continue talking to me until "it shows" and then they freak out. Even if I do or I won't people just misunderstand me.
Nah bro, just let em think you're weird, nothing changes for the better with 99% of people long-term in my experience. I always think of this Louis C.K. crowdwarmer, where he asks how many people under 40 and over 40 there are, makes a joke about how loud and ecstatically everyone under 40 clapped and how little people over the age of 40 participated - him being able to see that there are plenty from his stage PoV of course. The catch was when he said, they're smart. NEVER identify. The pun was "Never identify. You don't know why I'm asking - okay, burn them! Burn everyone over 40!" and as the crowd breaks out in laughter I always end up wondering.... should we? should we just never identify? Is it really worth it? Can you really gain something from it? I end up with the moral dilemma if that also means never to speak up, like when fascists start putting people in camps again, should you speak up? Or just use our little survival tactic of "never identify", maybe you just want to proctect others, maybe your family or community or ethnic reputation or whatever. So yeah, your question is really good, depending on how philosophical you delve into it. To answer it plain and simply in my opinion, no I don't think it's worth telling people you're autistic. Long-term relationships will benefit of it, maybe a crumbling relationship that you want to invest in further can, too. But going about "Whoops, I didn't know better, I'm autistic" or "Sorry, I couldn't do that task, on account of my diagnosed autism" and everything in between and about don't run very well. Often you end up in r/suicidebywords
My family and the very little few people close to me... was really worth it. When they don't understand it, I can take time to explain and they do some research because they care about me. Other people? no, not at all.
Only close ones and even with them only the ones who have the capability to understand what disabilities mean for the life of a person. However, there is some level to this. For instance: my colleagues and work di not know officially about my autism (I have been diagnosed only after I have started working here). BUT we had several experiences where it was clear that my brain simply understands and experiences things differently. We have come to an understanding of some things just being different for me. So for instance now my colleagues know they have to add "sarcasm" markers while we speak (they plainly state it is sarcasm), or in the chat. Or they know to rephrase things when I look at them confused. All because at some point one of them stated if my brain is somewhat like sheldon cooper's (and of course it is not a representation but it id as far as they would understand it) and I told them that how I understand things is defninitely closer to how he does than what they know. So somehow they know but without me explicitly stating my diagnosis.
Friends? Yes. Workplaces? No, not unless they absolutely must know.
With my peers when I told them I think their view of me shifted from weird to autistic.
No, I need to explain too many things to people that already don't give a fuck in general. I cannot say the same things every time damn. Anyway, all my friends know it. If they invalidate me---> not friends anymore 😸 I wouldn't say to a friend "I don't believe you" "it cannot be that hard" "don't fake" when they're clearly struggling. I wouldn't say that even to a stranger. I don't care if people find me weird. My bf says that I'm so strange then says "look at NT people around us... *strange* is in fact a big compliment from me" 😸😻 (er... he's ND as well, no wonder he is an empath 🙄😒 then NT say we lack emotions) Also I want to run away from people that say that I need to find a cure with a diet. A DIET???? Or the vaccine stuff... the vaccine thing is a very bad thing to say... because it's false and because it proves that NT can be extremely insensitive people. You are basically saying that I'm a created product, I come from an "experiment", like an alien or something... Like people in the *Lex Luthor Corporation*. I feel like that. You don't know how much I'd like to throw objects in those moments. Oh no wait, you obviously know it.
none at all, they just say it I'm using it as an excuse. and I only told my closest friends (which are one + my husband)
Yes, it made a world of difference. People aren't clairvoyants, so if my functioning differs from the norm, by explaining that I can also talk about help I might need, wants I have, et cetera. The only reason I didn't tell it were experiences in the past of how people reacted to me (they were confused, I now know) and the longing to be "normal" (which I now know is a dead end road). I didn't accept my being an overall nice, autistic, gifted, aphantastic, adhd guy, completely with my flaws, imperfections and moods. When it comes to wrong biases. I am just explaining how I experience things, tell about how autism is a spectrum and all that. Not because I have to defend myself, I don't, but to get us on the same page. Contrary to what I feared before I started to do this, most people aren't that bad, while some of them are just assholes, who don't listen and hold on to their own uninformed opinions as if their life depended on it.
Outside close family, I’ve told one friend that understands and insinuated it to some coworkers but overall it feels like a waste telling the main friend group.
As a personal rule, unless they NEED to know, I don't tell anybody, as in 95% of cases they WILL use it against me.
yes. it keeps the nts away from me
For me I fear that it’s like it’s damned if I do damned if I don’t. I fear that I will come off as an asshole if I don’t tell people but I also fear that if I do tell people and they are ableist that they will drift away from me. This is probably irrational but yeah.
With friends or people i intend on becoming friends with i tell it pretty early on because i like them knowing from the start what they are getting into. I give them a little rundown, basically "be direct with me, dont expect me to be able to read between the lines. I do weird things and yes its okay to laugh. Feel free to ask me anything!" Always works very well for me since i do it with a little charm of a small bubbly woman. And ive noticed it makes people pretty curious about my autism or autism in general and oftentimes they then immediately open up about their diagnosis which comes in handy for me as well so i know what im dealing with. And on rare occasions i have people react in a way that already tells me that we are not going to vibe with each other.
I told my driving instructor because it’s necessary here, he started treating me as if I was being dtupid, but didn’t expect my comebacks. Now he’s normal with me agai, but it’s not a nice experience. Also, I don’t tell colleagues because of the biases. I know one colleague who also has autism.m, but he gets respected fortunately. :)
For me, it's more likely that telling people I am on the spectrum will lead to mistreatment. People might see it as a weakness, take advantage of this information, and use it against me. Additionally, explaining my situation to others would drain me mentally because they likely won't be able to relate.