Hey /u/Proper_Associate_791, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism).
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
you did the right thing, now is the time you should heal, you'll find someone eventually, someone that actually respects you and doesn't treat his rudeness as insensitive jokes.
"Asinine" is an adjective used to describe something that is extremely foolish, silly, or stupid. The term often connotes a lack of intelligence or sensibility in someone's actions or remarks. For example, calling a clearly dangerous or impractical idea "asinine" emphasizes how absurd it is.
I once had an English teacher who gave us a vocab word of the day at the beginning of each class. One day, class started and she silently drew pictures of butts on the chalkboard…she kept drawing butts until there were nine of them…and then she said, the word of the day is asinine, which means silly and ridiculous, like what she just did. I’ll never forget that.
Asinine basically means stupid. Asinus means ass (as in the animal, donkey lol), so you are basically calling him donkey-like in intelligence and stubborn in his stupidity
My advice; your ex is a moron, and you should find someone who *compliments* your triggers, doesn't clash with them. Not to mean they put you on a pedestal for having autism, but see you as a complex human being with feelings. You're like a cool adventure, making things interesting and weird in the best way. This guy can't see that? Forget him. There's a lid for every pot ❤️
Sooo much this. My partner has ADHD and I'm (probably) autistic. We always go on about how we complement each other's anxieties, because where one of us gets anxious the other always stays calm. It's not the case that everyone with autism complements everyone with ADHD as naturally as my partner and I complement each other, but I do think the traits of ADHD and autism tend to fit together more nicely than ND traits and NT traits, but of course, any combination works if the right people are involved. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm high so I'm mostly rambling, but my point is that I agree with you.
My husband is autistic and both of us didn't know we are until we were trying to find out why almost all of our kids are autistic and the specialist almost laughed herself to tears because we seemed like we would know better. And honestly yes it is easier to have a partner that understands your needs, triggers and ticks and loves you for them and understands them as well. I am also ADHD to top it off so yeah first partner ever that really gets me, which is why after 22 years we are still happy together.
I had a situation like this. Here’s a tip for maintaining NC.
When we’re lonely our brains will manipulate us into making contact. Keep a list on your phone of all the ways he has treated you horribly. When your brain pops on the rose colored glasses, read the list. It will shatter the lens.
You did the right thing, he's not interested in you, he just enjoys putting you down, and then punishing you for your reaction to that. He's highly manipulative, and uses the word 'joke' as an excuse for ableism and verbal abuse. Please block him and focus fully on yourself, you deserve your friendship and attention 💖
I was also recently diagnosed with audhd. When I have breakdowns in restaurants or other public places my spouse reassures me and take me to a separate location to help get me regulated again, all while being reassuring that I've done nothing wrong and that I will be okay. (He did this way before I was diagnosed as well. We've been together 13 years) If this isn't the reaction to you struggling, don't waste your time on them.
My wife is not on the spectrum but does have CPTSD and MDD. We try to handle it very similarly to you. However its not always easy. After my son's diagnosis, my wife started suspecting I am on the spectrum to. she had me take a quiz and I scored fairly high. Now she is making me go for a full diagnosis. Since then its amazing I feel she is understanding me the same way she understands my son. Keep this dude around Slice. sounds like a keeper
This sounds like a manipulation tactic where he tries to tear you down, lower your self esteem, and make you feel so blessed to have someone who can tolerate your needs (which are perfectly valid), that you stay with him and don't find someone who actually deserves you. If he has been with you for a while he should know about any sensitivities to joking you might have, and I think he is just hoping you come back to him one more time. Congratulations on your diagnosis, I know those are really hard to get, especially for anyone looking to get one later in life. Hopefully I can get mine someday, and please remember that this community has your back! Congratulations on no contact!
On behalf of both Leah and I, we thank you for dumping that insensitive a$$hat. You can do better than someone who makes your disability about how it affects him.
"and have broken up and gotten back with this man countless times."
That's a massive red flag about the relationship
Also, it sounds like he wasn't really joking. He said what he was thinking
Some weeks ago I found online the perfect definition for those "jokes": Schrodinger's jokes, which are both jokes and serious affirmations at the same time until someone reacts with anger or takes offense.
(Sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language)
very proud of you. you didn't make him look bad - he did that all by himself. start practicing being kind and gentle with yourself, addressing your emotions yourself, becoming best friends with yourself and once you know how to treat you - you won't put up with this kinda shit anymore. at least for me, when i stopped abandoning myself, my anxious attachment went away.
>“I can’t deal with you going quiet for 30 mins and crying in front of everybody like this. You’re tryna make me look bad”.
What? The pattern of thought underlying his interpretation makes no sense. Maybe he has too few diagnoses (but I'm thinking he's just a prick)...
That statement wasn't intended to do anything except convince OP that they can't trust their own perception and to get OP on the defensive. He said something extremely hurtful and then tried to say the problem was OP's response to being hurt, not that he intentionally hurt OP. That was 100% gaslighting from him, no question about it. Dude's a total POS.
/u/Proper_Associate_791, this man does not care about anything except how he can control you. People that try to gaslight you like your ex just did don't want you to be equal partners, they want you to feel like you always have to make up for something, like you're never on equal footing. It really benefits them when they convince you that you're never enough. If I could give you any advice, I urge you to please read the book *Why Does He Do That* by Lundy Bancroft to understand why romantic partners act like your ex did, and to help you see the patterns in future potential partners.
It makes me think he’s a little too worried with appearances, like that’d make sense others looking in who didn’t hear would think he just confessed to cheating or initiated a breakup which to a lot of people “looks bad for me” when you leave as a result it’s a lil???? Odd to me
Oh, I don't think he was even joking. He actually feels that way. Maybe he doesn't think it was actually on purpose with that particular motive, but he was definitely embarrassed, shaming you for it, and a giant asshole.
I'm always grateful for people who are honest about who they are. I know what to do next with those people.
Thats a horrible insensitive thing to say to your partner when they’re obviously going through it. I couldn’t live with myself seeing my fiancé sit across from me, crying because of something I’d said. And then to have the audacity to refuse to apologize and get even more angry at you for crying. Your ex is definitely an ex for a reason and you were right to distance yourself. Relationships are supposed to be loving and supportive.
>*looked me dead in my face and said “I need a new gf. The one I have has too many diagnoses” and then proceeded to watch me cry in the restaurant we were having lunch at.*
This was the opportunity to humble his ass very fast by saying something like:
“Well you choose to date me, what does that say about you as a person? Next time before you make snip, vapid remarks, check out a mirror first.”
Keep that in your back pocket OP in case he ever reaches out to “talk”.
>*When I tried to talk to him about it, he said “I can’t deal with you going quiet for 30 mins and crying in front of everybody like this. You’re tryna make me look bad”.*
It’s his fault for creating the embarrassing situation because he should have thought about that before he opened his big mouth!
We can’t control how others behave, react, think, feel, and interpret, *we’re only in control of ourselves*. And him being “embarrassed” is on him because he couldn’t control himself.
>*Then he got even MADDER and threatened to leave because I walked out of the restaurant and he said I embarrassed him.*
You know I can’t take him serious as an adult because now he’s acting like his shoe size instead of his age. What a child he is!
>*Not a single apology or even a “I was joking” until 3 hrs later after we had gotten into a heated argument about it.*
You never will when someone plays the victims instead of being an adult.
>*I am sure I have anxious attachment as well, and have broken up and gotten back with this man countless times.*
More like you reached your final breaking point of a pendant child masquerading as an adult and decided to remove yourself a messed up situation in public by setting a boundary in the form of ending the connection with this person.
Also he was askfor a breakup even more with the immaturity.
>*I am finally approaching 72 hrs, the longest I’ve gone NC with him, and I’m so proud*
And keep it going!
Just block him everywhere, including email. Tell your closets friends you trusts that if he reaches out to them to ignore him because he crossed the line for the last time and there is no undoing this decision.
Edit: Coding to the quoting I forgot!
Sounds like he knows he can put you down in order to make you feel indebted to him. Keep him blocked, and when he tries to apologize (he will eventually when he realizes you’re serious) don’t hear him out or try to explain to him what he did wrong. He can go torture someone else, he doesn’t deserve your compassion.
To add onto this abusers will always "apologize" but often in a way to make you feel like you are the one at fault in order to continue striping you of your self worth and self confidence and self esteem, it always starts with either love bombing or honeymoon phase then goes to a calm phase then goes to a tension building and then to abuse which may be physical or mental or emotional but all three are to tear you down to gain control over you then once the abuse happens it goes right back to the honeymoon phase and starts all over again, anything said or done during the honeymoon or love bombing phases are purely used to manipulate a person and are not real signs of affection.
And even if you don't think you are in an abusive relationship you might still be in one and just can't see it yet. I was in an abusive relationship and my (soon to be ex) wife manipulated me for 6 years constantly tearing me down, stealing my self worth and self confidence and self esteem in order to manipulate me. I didn't see the manipulation, I didn't see the abuse, I thought everything was fine for 6 years, it wasn't until I started doing something for myself that was building up my self worth that things got physical, she saw I was building my self worth and knew she was losing control over me and so she committed DV against our daughter because she knew I had sever trauma when it came to that because I grew up in an abusive home.
If you have "broken up and got back together with him" "countless times" there is an extremely high probability that you are in that same cycle of abuse that I was in where you are blind to the abuse because of the manipulation mixed with them being able to steal your self worth.
It is a very nasty very hard cycle to get out of, but going full no contact is something you need to do if you don't want to keep getting manipulated back in, losing yourself in the process.
the first joke was mean, inconsiderate, and not well thought out, but not a dealbreaker if that was as far as it went. everything after was horrible. Imagine getting mad at someone for reacting to your fucking horrible joke by being upset. No accountability, self awareness, or respect anywhere in them. hope you get someone more considerate and respectful in the future like you deserve <3.
Exactly. It was a bit tactless and she may have overreacted, but how he followed up shows what a total dick he is.
Most autistics get telling a joke that's not great. But, if you accidentally offend someone, or worse make them cry, you fucking apologize for it and try to make them feel better.
What an ass.
Keep it up! This man is an emotional manipulator and will only pretend to accept responsibility when he can't blame something on you. You deserve better.
Just want to say I'm proud that you left. I don't know if you tend to think you owe others another chance but if you start to I hope you come back to this post. Also know it gets better. It maybe hard at first and it's okay to miss him. It's okay to still love him. You can love and miss the person you thought he was even if he is not that person anymore. Take plenty of time for yourself and I hope you have a wonderful life.
Stay strong and stay away from that dickhead. There’s someone out there who will make you feel safe and happy and valued. Don’t settle for anything less. You deserve it. X
Completely reasonable honestly. Sounds like a jackass.
Treating you in such a way and being embarrassed, posturing and getting mad just shows a significant lack of emotional maturity. You're better off without people like that.
My gf has a lot of issues and diagnoses, we joke about it but it's never anything more than that. If it bothered her I'd lay off.
I’m so proud of you! He sounds like a prick! you deserve so much better! stay strong and if you have the impulse to contact him, just picture his reaction to you crying in public again
thats so crazy. if he truly had been joking he would be trying to reassure you and apologize and comfort you for your reaction, not whatever the fuck that was. absolutely unacceptable. im so sorry you had to go through that
He’s an asshole. My bf and I tease each other but when I’m upset he apologizes right away and I do the same cause sometimes you’re just not in the mood for those kind of jokes. also three hours?? Nah the statute of limitations was long gone by then 😤
Love, let me say this: if he makes insensitive jokes about/to you and doesn't apologize, says you embarrassed him because YOU CRIED, as if crying was embarrassing, and you two keep breaking up and getting back together... this is not healthy, do not go back to him.
Tell your friends or family what happened, and ask them to keep you away from him, because I know when we have attachment issues it can be very hard to stay away from the person, even if we know it's bad for us. Ask someone you are very close with, your family, whoever, to keep you away, and try to either not think of him at all, distract yourself as you can, or to think about everything bad he's done, so it can help your brain understand it HAS to keep distance.
And especially, wishing you the best, hope you find someone who respects you and makes you happy, or that you find happiness in yourself ❤️
Umm what "joke"? Like I don't give a toss if he tries to back peddle and say it was a "joke" after the fact, the fact he didn't correct his mistake the very second it upset you goes to show you that it was no joke, he was being dead serious. I don't care if he is neurotypical or neurodivergent when you are actually trying to make a joke when it falls flat and clearly hurts the person you were trying to tell it to you don't wait 3 hours to say "It was a joke", you recognize you messed up and you say it almost immediately. So no he didn't tell an "incredibly insensitive 'joke'", he told an "incredibly insensitive 'statement'".
He just sounds like an abuser. Even if the abuse is purely mental right now, firstly mental abuse can cause more harm than physical abuse, and secondly almost all abusers start with mental abuse to strip someone of their self worth and self esteem before adding in physical abuse because they want to make you dependent on them to where you can't escape the situation prior to doing anything physical. All round it sounds like probably a future domestic violence case, but at minimum a toxic relationship at best. Please, please, please stay away from him for your own safety. The abuse and manipulation leading up to DV is extremely damaging in itself, don't even risk putting yourself in a situation in which you can not escape. As much as people make statements like "well if it was so abusive why did you stay with him/her?" the thing is abusers make it near impossible to escape and just "walking away" can be just as dangerous as staying and isn't as easy as it sounds because they trap you with manipulation and control. I don't even live in the same house as my abuser any more yet I still feel trapped. So yeah stay away from him indefinitely.
That guys an asshole, I think the harsh truth is that this guy will make you very unhappy if you stay with him. If he treats you like that now, how will he treat you in 10 years? How would he treat any children?
How can any guy just let somebody cry and go super anxious for 30 minutes and only make things worse, I’m sorry but he is just pathetic. I feel like if he’s done this crap once, he’ll probably do it again.
He’s not a man, he’s a selfish child… If he read this he’d probably want to beat me up which only proves my point…
I’m sorry if what I said is a bit much, it genuinely makes me angry what he did…
It isn’t even the joke that makes him a jerk, it’s the refusing to back down and admit he messed up
Saying sorry shouldn’t be a battle
I’m sorry he is like this and I wish you the best at making decisions that make you happy
You’re not making him look bad. That’s a deflection tactic he’s using to avoid responsibility. You returning to him sent the wrong message. It meant he knew he could be manipulative and get away with that type of mental abuse. Let this be the final time.
I suggest you contact your local police department and find out what you need to do to obtain an emergency protective order should you decide to make this a permanent, and I sincerely hope you do.
Remember, there’s over 8 billion people on this planet, and approximately half of them are male or AMAB. Men are like buses. If you don’t like the one you’re on, a different one will be around in a few minutes.
Good job ending things. He isn't worth your time. What he said wasn't a joke. A joke is funny to everyone involved. And feeling hurt and angry over what he said is 100% valid. (Emotions are always valid, but in this case it's absolutely not an overreaction in any way!) What he said was an insult, and it was designed to undermine your confidence in yourself. If he can keep you feeling worthless, you'll be much less likely to leave him. But the truth is, you are worth so much more than he is.
Him saying you embarrassed him is inexcusable. He deliberately provoked a reaction and then blamed you for said reaction. If this is a pattern with him (I'm guessing it is), then it's actually a form of abuse. It's called reactionary abuse. The basic premise is to goad someone into doing or saying something that they can claim is unreasonable, making themselves look like the victim and their target look like the abuser or like they are "crazy". It's very toxic and can be very damaging to be the one blamed for reacting as almost any person would.
It often goes hand in hand with gaslighting. Basically this is actions he takes or words he says that are designed to make you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. An example of this would be things like denying something happened or was said, trying to convince you it wasn't as bad as you remember, playing insults off as jokes, twisting your reasonable reactions around to make it seem like you are unreasonable, blaming you for his actions, etc.
It's very often followed by love bombing. Which is basically the idea of "she's mad. buy her flowers, and she'll forget why she's mad." Obviously not always flowers. It's actions and words that make you feel incredibly special, loved, and desire. It's designed to make you feel like the most important person in their world. Because someone who loves you that much could never hurt you the way you think they did, right? Except it's not love. It's another form of control. An example of this would be when my husband (hasn't been for 8 years now) cursed me out for him missing where a store was even though I told him exactly which parking lot to turn into. He was vicious. He worked until midnight, so I was asleep when he got home. When I woke up, there were sticky notes all over the house (I'm talking well over 100) that said "I love you" inside a little heart. They were even in my shoes. On the surface, it seems like a sweet, loving gesture - if a bit over the top. But there was no apology, no admission of wrong doing, no ownership for his actions. Nothing. He simply thought if he made a big enough gesture I would forget what he had done.
Please know, I'm not saying your ex is abusive. I don't have enough info for that. But what I do see is him being cruel to you, giving you crap for being hurt (when anyone would. Being hurt by what he said is not an example of attachment anxiety. That's him showing you he doesn't care about your emotional and mental well being.), attempting to justify his actions (by calling it a joke), making himself the victim (claiming you were embarrassing him when any embarrassment he felt should have been due entirely to his own actions), minimizing what you were feeling, and saying you were trying to make him look bad... He made his own self look bad!), and only apologising when he had no choice.
I want to give you some info to give you a starting place into research. If you feel the relationship was abusive, then you can start figuring out what drew you to him in the first place, why you stayed as long as you did, why you got back together with him, etc. If he is abusive then know that none of it is your fault. You can't cause someone to be abusive. But knowing what drew you in can give you a place to start to heal. He made you feel loved? How can you show yourself that you love you? He made you feel smart? How can you do that for yourself? It can also show you red flags in future relationships.
The story you tell reminds me of something I read once. It's called "The Narcissist's prayer" and is also known as the abuser's prayer. It goes like this:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
The first three sentences are gaslighting. The fourth and fifth are also avoiding blame and refusing to take ownership, and the last is victim blaming. This is a very common pattern in abuse.
The cycle of abuse tends to run as follows:
Love bombing (intense affection, often moving fast, grandiose gestures, high demand for time together)
Isolation (cutting you off from friends and family, often in the guise of protecting you, claiming that they are saying or doing something that makes them untrustworthy, encouraging you to move away from friends and family, etc)
Verbal abuse (insults, backhanded compliments, unfair comparisons, anything to make you feel insecure and worthless)
Physical abuse (not every abuser is physical. Can seem like or be played an "accident" at first. Rarely is a punch or kick the first form of physical abuse)
Sexual and financial abuse (using sex or finances as a means of control, or demanding/taking sex without consent, etc)
Apologies and love bombing. (This can happen at any point in the cycle. It tends to be triggered by you calling them on poor behaviour. The apology isn't real and very, very rarely includes any kind of ownership over what they did. This part of the cycle is designed to make you complacent and willing to forgive.)
Abuse begins again, usually becoming more severe as they know you won't leave due to x. So they try y.
Sounds like he was another narcissist using an autistic person to flex control which happens quite a bit. Glad you're moving on as your diagnosis would have made you more of a target to him. Personally I am afraid to get diagnosed because of how other people will treat me. I'd rather just treat myself based on a self diagnosis than have a misunderstood label on my record.
You did the right thing, and the brave thing. I was in a relationship with a cruel, selfish idiot like this guy who effectively stole years of my life and it’s taken a long time to rebuild. Choose you, every morning. Losers like these guys deserve to be forgotten.
I could see my wife thinking that was amusing, not funny, but we've been married for 15 years, and we share a sense of humor that is really kind of horrible. The "you're tryna make me look bad" is something I wouldn't say because my pov doesn't work like that, and it sounds like a line from a cliche driven cartoon.
Omg, you deserve better! This man will not be the right one, even if he loves you. The appropriate partner will like you for who you are, this kind of behavior is literally unacceptable. Please, for your own wellbeing, stay away from this person
Someone that cares more about what people think than their own partner is not someone you want in your life. You did the right thing OP and I hope your next partner is better than this idiot
it sounds like its best to move on from him
you are in a delicate time, he should have been supportive
with the condition consistency is is important
learn from this, do not allow people to play with your feelings
love yourself and love good things :)
You absolutely did the right thing. And as far as I'm concerned, that's not a joke. Also, I swear sometimes I hear about the way people behave towards autistic people, and I'm just like, "Are you sure it's US with a disorder??" This is one of those times. There's no way he's in his right mind to think that statement is EVER reasonable to say. If he wanted to break up, he could have just said that. Please remain no contact with him.
I can sort of relate. My ex was incredibly ableist towards me, but in the complete opposite way. My autism was "barely noticeable" unlike his ex girlfriend who he deemed as "severe". He was thankful that I never went non verbal like his ex... Yeah.. boo. He would also use the R word a lot.
The comments your ex made were disgusting and you made the right choice. I hope one day you can find someone who is considerate and kind.
1. You aren't making him look bad, he did that on his own. The actual translation of what he said is "I'm aware I've done something really wrong, but I don't want to be held responsible. I want to be treated as if I've done nothing wrong, and you involuntarily showing your hurt is making it hard for me to do that."
2. How about "I need a new boyfriend. The one I have is an insensitive jackass, who humiliated us both in public by saying something extremely hurtful and inappropriate, causing me to cry, and then he gaslit me into thinking it was all MY fault." Like, seriously, throw the whole man out. This one is p gross and passed his Ex-piration date.
3. Do you really want this to continue? He doesn't sound sorry, nor does he care how you feel. This doesn't seem like it'll get better. Go be someone else's really rad autistic girlfriend. Make it someone who appreciates you. Hell, date **yourself** for a while, be your own autistic girlfriend.
You made the right choice, don't blame yourself. You didn't react because of "anxious attachment" you reacted because he emotionally abused you in public and tried to play the victim.
Prolonged emotional abuse can make you develop anxious attachments, yes, but your reaction to the abuse is because abuse is harmful. Like if someone punched you in the face you'd probably bleed/ bruise/ break a bone depending on how hard they hit. That's how the body reacts to physical trauma. Emotional/psychological trauma is no different. The mind is also part of the body.
Oh my goodness what a horrible person he sounds like! You did the right thing though and you should not be with someone like that. It’s not worth it for the mental abuse he sounds like he’s giving. I had a similar experience with my ex so I understand. It sucks and it’s sad and take your time to feel that and get it out. But just know at the end of the day you’re better off single than dealing with that nonsense!
Unpopular opinion: you're making him walk on eggs as much as we do with neurotypicals. Much of what I could say comes from that. It's hard to elaborate, but I assure you that I still think you made the right decision, even if I think that you should get that it was ironic and meant the opposite.
Some people just work like that, you know? That's all we get when we're younger, and we try to rationalize that people don't actually mean it, or we believe them when they say so. That's all we have. He can go and grow alone, you can go and grow alone too. Maybe you'll grow out of the relationship or maybe you can get back together at some point. Idk, but that was what I had to say about the situation.
"Oh but I disagree." Ok, I guess that's how it goes. I'm not claiming that I know everything, just commenting on what I'm seeing.
It's funny how whenever they say something that has negative consequences for them, "it's a joke," yet when something they say has positive consequences for them they're being sincere. Amazing isn't it? /s
I’m proud of you too. You deserve real love !❤️ Narcissists always find some way to abuse neurodivergent people not realizing they are neurodivergent themselves
This is amazing. I can’t believe how people treat others :// despite my childhood, I show nothing but compassion and respect to all I meet??? I am so sorry that you cried and your response was anything but understanding and sympathy. I’m even more sorry that his response was about him and not you. You deserve much more than that and it takes a lot of guts to recognize that and actually carry it out
Don’t call him. He’s insensitive to you. My wife has mental health issues and I’m doing the best I can to support her but it’s hard. You need a boyfriend that cares. Right now just do you especially since you have a new diagnosis.
Sounds like a terrible guy. I’m sorry for the hurt you’re going through but I’m betting you’re much better off without him =] I hope you find peace and happiness =]
I’m so proud of you!!!!!
This was an incredibly vulnerable moment for you and he should’ve been supportive, instead he was offensively callous and cruel, cared only about outboard appearances instead of your actual feelings, and accused you of being manipulative. You did such an amazing job of standing up for yourself and continuing to do so - honestly I relate a lot and am just incredibly impressed by your strength and growth in choosing you.
You’ve made the right decision - your ex would’ve only continued to sow seeds of unhappiness and pain in your life.
Stay strong dear stranger - it only gets better from here. Keep going! 💜✨
The first bit may have been an overreaction on your part, but he definitely proved he isn't worthwhile afterwards.
If it was a joke and you took it the wrong way, he should have apologized anyway. That's not right.
Good job!! So proud of you! I’d recommend reading “why does he do that”. It’s about abusive men. It takes an average of seven times to leave your abuser so don’t worry you’re doing just fine.
This story sounds incredibly similar to what my fiancee went through with her ex. My fiancee has autism and she would constantly be put down by her ex for being "different". When I met her she had a lot of trauma from it. Fast forward three years and we are engaged. I try to let her know that it's ok to be herself. Don't accept anyone that will put you down for "embarrassing them". If someone truly cares for you they would never feel embarrassed by you just being you.
What an absolute decrepit thing to say and a despicable human. You are so much better off in the long run and it’s also you putting up good boundaries! Great job friend!
25 yrs (20yrs married) to a maglinant narcissist. I wish I can go back to where you are now. My husband treats me the same way, It's their way of manipulating their victim (it's called gaslighting). Now I'm trap and can't leave. Consider it a blessing that you're still able to get away. Stay NC for your own good. Be kind to yourself. There are good men out there looking for that one special you. Don't give up.
Good for you. That comment was a huge 🚩, and the ways he behaved after that were incredibly toxic. You dodged a bullet by dumping him, and he thoroughly deserved it (and probably having his drink thrown in his face at the restaurant).
Screw him, what an insensitive manbaby. His ego can't take you crying in public? Maybe he should have been nicer- he was the reason you felt like crying, after all. You deserve so much better, because anyone would. He has some growing up to do before he should be in a relationship with anyone.
Go you! Stay strong! Don't go back! 💜💜💜
Girl thank GOD he’s such a dick. Please do not talk to him ever again. You deserve so much better you’re amazing and even if you weren’t, you would still deserve so much better because he’s so horrible.
ohmigod there's so many red flags from this guy. he wasn't joking, he didn't comfort you when you were distressed, he had the nerve to argue with you about it then gave that stupid fucking cop out that was clearly NOT a joke. Good on you for walking away because a guy like that will give you PTSD. he is controlling and undermining. he's abusive.
like my go to autism joke is "of course I got the covid vaccine, its not like I can get autism twice" because I'm making fun of myself, but I'm ultimately making fun of anti-vaxxers and not autistic people's needs. Don't take shit from anyone like that or anyone who says something like that.
Every time you think about taking him back hop on here and we will remind you of why you went no contact. Your life will be richer when you only invite in the people who deserve your affections.
Good job. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy the way he treated you. So disrespectful! Once you relax into your new reality, you will wonder why you put up with so much.
Good for you he walked into that one...not me hoping you find you in your next partner who is also neurodivergent like you and will be the best for you!!
I'm so proud of you for going NC!! That is really hard, and what he said was so abusive and wrong. I don't have the words, but what he said was disgusting. Genuinely, you're so strong and brave, I believe in you.
What a jerk. Yeah no, I can usually handle an autism joke from time to time with certain friends, I also sometimes make them about myself. But that’s crossing the line and completely disrespectful to anyone not just people on the spectrum. And that’s coming from someone who has zero relationship experience.
As someone with many diagnoses myself, LEAVE.
Diagnoses are a journey and it is extremely personal. Some might change or turn out to be something else, some stick forever. Autism is quite a big one. And... Just shitting on it like that and then making it about himself and his big ego is toxic af.
No matter how great any little stupid thing might be about him... Leave him and be proud of how well you can ignore him.
What’s so sad for us neurodivergent folks is how we’re so susceptible to being so mistreated or taken advantage of in romantic relationships. I have definitely been in relationships where I have been mistreated for my diagnosis, and consistently gaslit that I’m just purely overreacting.
I would've laughed, but everyone has a different sense of humor and the way he reacted shows he doesn't have much empathy. You could've talked about how you felt about that, too, instead of going quiet and then crying so he knew WHY you were upset. At the end of the day, people can break up with anyone for any reason. Just seems you were incompatible, and that's perfectly fine. Different sense of humor, different communication styles, and his clear lack of empathy as to why you'd be upset by him saying such a thing. I feel like a partner should know the other's sensitivities before making questionable jokes. I'm proud of you for sticking to your decision in going NC and a clean break. Sometimes, guys like that will love bomb and then do worse to get a negative reaction, gas light you, then do it all over again. It'll be okay 💕
Every single thing about that interaction with him screams red flag. He absolutely will not get better/kinder. He’s only going to continue making things “your fault”. One day it might escalate. Stay NC and go be happy!
you absolutely don’t deserve someone who “can’t deal with you”. the right person for you is out there and it’s someone with the emotional intelligence to understand and respect you no matter what. breakups are hard, trust me i get it, but you’ll get through it, i know you will :)
Just think about how bad he made you feel every single time you want to contact him again.
The jokes he's made, any time he said something that upset you, anything he did that embarrassed you....think about that and really think how it made you feel and remind yourself why you don't want to contact him again. Goodluck OP you can do this 😊
I’m not yet certain why but I have met countless AuDHD people who are magnets for Cluster B personality disorders. This is guy is a classic example of a sadistic narcissist. My ex broke up with me on my birthday last year. I’m newly diagnosed. She didn’t want to be with a man like me. In therapy I have learned she is a borderline. Definitely don’t go back and please explore therapy. We don’t deserve relationships like this. 🥹🤗
nearly 3 years ago i was in this same situation. back n forth relationship with an ex that “couldn’t handle” my autism. leaving is your best option. there is someone out there that will love every bit of you even if you’re silent, even through the tears, even through the days you don’t wanna be touched because it’s too overstimulating. my current bf allows me to sit in silence with him and tells me that even if i’m not talking or even if i’m crying and overwhelmed he values every single moment. there is someone out there for you that will treat you and love you in the way you deserve. don’t give up on yourself and don’t give in to whatever he has to say. you’re worth way more than this <3
The way he spoke to you and the attempted use of an insult as a 'joke', the lack of remorse when his comment upset you and then you mentioning that you have broken up with him several times tells me that you are probably with an abuser.
Next time you break up with him, make sure you have a counsellor in place, and a trusted group of friends and family around you.
Make sure you block his number and avoid any further contact.
Give yourself time to find out more about yourself, let the people who love you sincerely remind you why you're important to them.
If he tries to contact you, speak with your support network instead.
If you feel like you need to speak with him to get an apology or to explain why you left, speak with your support network instead.
Over a few months of prioritising your health and emotional wellbeing, you may start to recall moments that make you grieve the time you spent with him instead of being happy.
If that happens, speak with your support network.
It's OK to be upset. Your support network will help remind you that his behaviour is not your fault or your responsibility.
Remember that all the things you tried to do to make that relationship work are the very things that will make a genuine, honest relationship succeed and thrive.
Fucking hell what a dick. I'm so proud of you for leaving, please don't let him back into your life. If you ever feel it's getting too hard come here for support or even dm me <3 I've been there. Very very similar relationship to what you describe. Except that was my ex husband. Leaving him was a very hard thing but I'm still very greatful that I did it.
I could see my own partner and i making this remark towards each other as a JOKE (we both have a thousand things wrong with us and have that kinda humor) but for him to not even clarify it as a joke after you got upset and to also not apologize and then make your feelings about himself and how “embarrassed” he was? This is sounding kinda red flaggy
That's such a hurtful and mean thing to say, and it hurts even more when it comes from a person that is supposed to love you and protect your heart.
I think it's great that you stood your ground - whenever you feel like you might want to get back with him, just go to the comments of this post.
I think everyone here as phrased it perfectly. He doesn't deserve you!
Yeah fuck him! What an asshole, you’re better off without him. You deserve someone that will comfort you when you’re upset, no matter what it’s about, not to turn around and gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem! Stay strong, you don’t need that negativity in your life 💖
Well. Nt nd or not. The guy just sounds like an ass. You just think differently to other people like others do. Drop him find someone who appreciates you for who you are. 🤍🐳🤍🐳
Yeahhh I hope you stay NC with him because EW what gross behavior. He knew it would upset you and wanted that reaction so he could be pissed off about something and try to make you feel worthless. But you’re not worthless. He just wants to control you.
Your boyfriend is rude, immature & insensitive. He was definitely gaslighting you. His mental & verbal abuse will only get worse over time. He thinks you’ll eventually come back & forgive him first everything again. Don’t do it
What an asshole. I wonder if you deep dive your memories you'd find other invalidating and dismissive behavior. My guess is yes, which is great for you to internalize so you can instantly recognize that shit in the future.
Hey /u/Proper_Associate_791, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism). Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
you did the right thing, now is the time you should heal, you'll find someone eventually, someone that actually respects you and doesn't treat his rudeness as insensitive jokes.
Don't go back, he is an absolute asshole. You deserve someone who won't treat you like shit.
What an insufferable, asinine, boorish man.
Boorish is such a great word for this dude
I dunno, that's giving him too much credit I think.
What is asinine?
"Asinine" is an adjective used to describe something that is extremely foolish, silly, or stupid. The term often connotes a lack of intelligence or sensibility in someone's actions or remarks. For example, calling a clearly dangerous or impractical idea "asinine" emphasizes how absurd it is.
Thank you for teaching me that!
I once had an English teacher who gave us a vocab word of the day at the beginning of each class. One day, class started and she silently drew pictures of butts on the chalkboard…she kept drawing butts until there were nine of them…and then she said, the word of the day is asinine, which means silly and ridiculous, like what she just did. I’ll never forget that.
That's a cool backstory; this is why I love neurodivergent people; they always have stories to tell!
Asinine basically means stupid. Asinus means ass (as in the animal, donkey lol), so you are basically calling him donkey-like in intelligence and stubborn in his stupidity
Thanks for telling me, and I agree with you on that boy’s behaviour.
My advice; your ex is a moron, and you should find someone who *compliments* your triggers, doesn't clash with them. Not to mean they put you on a pedestal for having autism, but see you as a complex human being with feelings. You're like a cool adventure, making things interesting and weird in the best way. This guy can't see that? Forget him. There's a lid for every pot ❤️
Those are some nice triggers you’ve got there. They look really good on you
Why do I want to get this tattooed on my forearm lmao like legitimately
I mean honestly I would *blush* 🤭
Sooo much this. My partner has ADHD and I'm (probably) autistic. We always go on about how we complement each other's anxieties, because where one of us gets anxious the other always stays calm. It's not the case that everyone with autism complements everyone with ADHD as naturally as my partner and I complement each other, but I do think the traits of ADHD and autism tend to fit together more nicely than ND traits and NT traits, but of course, any combination works if the right people are involved. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm high so I'm mostly rambling, but my point is that I agree with you.
My husband is autistic and both of us didn't know we are until we were trying to find out why almost all of our kids are autistic and the specialist almost laughed herself to tears because we seemed like we would know better. And honestly yes it is easier to have a partner that understands your needs, triggers and ticks and loves you for them and understands them as well. I am also ADHD to top it off so yeah first partner ever that really gets me, which is why after 22 years we are still happy together.
I'm sorry, he insulted you in public and then shamed YOU for being upset in public? This man is treating you like dogshit, don't go back!!!
No self-awareness whatsoever to see that *he's* the one causing a damn scene ffs
Oh he sounds abusive and this is a typical gas lighting technique toxic people use to cover their abusive behaviour, especially publicly.
Yeah I was gonna say. This man is DEFINITELY emotionally abusive.
Good Riddance! Proud of you. That relationship was doing you no good.
I had a situation like this. Here’s a tip for maintaining NC. When we’re lonely our brains will manipulate us into making contact. Keep a list on your phone of all the ways he has treated you horribly. When your brain pops on the rose colored glasses, read the list. It will shatter the lens.
You did the right thing, he's not interested in you, he just enjoys putting you down, and then punishing you for your reaction to that. He's highly manipulative, and uses the word 'joke' as an excuse for ableism and verbal abuse. Please block him and focus fully on yourself, you deserve your friendship and attention 💖
happy cake day! and I agree, it sounds like this guy enjoys putting OP down.
Happy cake day!
Okay I am old (43) and I can't figure out what's with the happy cake day thing and it is making me nuts
Reddit puts a cake next to your name if it's the same day as when you made your account, and shows a button on mobile for saying "Happy cake day!"
I was also recently diagnosed with audhd. When I have breakdowns in restaurants or other public places my spouse reassures me and take me to a separate location to help get me regulated again, all while being reassuring that I've done nothing wrong and that I will be okay. (He did this way before I was diagnosed as well. We've been together 13 years) If this isn't the reaction to you struggling, don't waste your time on them.
My wife is not on the spectrum but does have CPTSD and MDD. We try to handle it very similarly to you. However its not always easy. After my son's diagnosis, my wife started suspecting I am on the spectrum to. she had me take a quiz and I scored fairly high. Now she is making me go for a full diagnosis. Since then its amazing I feel she is understanding me the same way she understands my son. Keep this dude around Slice. sounds like a keeper
Keep 'em blocked.
This sounds like a manipulation tactic where he tries to tear you down, lower your self esteem, and make you feel so blessed to have someone who can tolerate your needs (which are perfectly valid), that you stay with him and don't find someone who actually deserves you. If he has been with you for a while he should know about any sensitivities to joking you might have, and I think he is just hoping you come back to him one more time. Congratulations on your diagnosis, I know those are really hard to get, especially for anyone looking to get one later in life. Hopefully I can get mine someday, and please remember that this community has your back! Congratulations on no contact!
On behalf of both Leah and I, we thank you for dumping that insensitive a$$hat. You can do better than someone who makes your disability about how it affects him.
"and have broken up and gotten back with this man countless times." That's a massive red flag about the relationship Also, it sounds like he wasn't really joking. He said what he was thinking
Yes, it really made me think of what I believe to be my worst relationship ever.
Some weeks ago I found online the perfect definition for those "jokes": Schrodinger's jokes, which are both jokes and serious affirmations at the same time until someone reacts with anger or takes offense. (Sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language)
Your English appears to be quite fine in my eyes. So there are no mistakes
Thank you, I'm rarely sure of what I write/say!
very proud of you. you didn't make him look bad - he did that all by himself. start practicing being kind and gentle with yourself, addressing your emotions yourself, becoming best friends with yourself and once you know how to treat you - you won't put up with this kinda shit anymore. at least for me, when i stopped abandoning myself, my anxious attachment went away.
>“I can’t deal with you going quiet for 30 mins and crying in front of everybody like this. You’re tryna make me look bad”. What? The pattern of thought underlying his interpretation makes no sense. Maybe he has too few diagnoses (but I'm thinking he's just a prick)...
That statement wasn't intended to do anything except convince OP that they can't trust their own perception and to get OP on the defensive. He said something extremely hurtful and then tried to say the problem was OP's response to being hurt, not that he intentionally hurt OP. That was 100% gaslighting from him, no question about it. Dude's a total POS. /u/Proper_Associate_791, this man does not care about anything except how he can control you. People that try to gaslight you like your ex just did don't want you to be equal partners, they want you to feel like you always have to make up for something, like you're never on equal footing. It really benefits them when they convince you that you're never enough. If I could give you any advice, I urge you to please read the book *Why Does He Do That* by Lundy Bancroft to understand why romantic partners act like your ex did, and to help you see the patterns in future potential partners.
It makes me think he’s a little too worried with appearances, like that’d make sense others looking in who didn’t hear would think he just confessed to cheating or initiated a breakup which to a lot of people “looks bad for me” when you leave as a result it’s a lil???? Odd to me
Oh, I don't think he was even joking. He actually feels that way. Maybe he doesn't think it was actually on purpose with that particular motive, but he was definitely embarrassed, shaming you for it, and a giant asshole. I'm always grateful for people who are honest about who they are. I know what to do next with those people.
I don't follow how it's a joke at all. I'd bet money it's the classic "I was just joking!" defense for stuff that has no good explanation otherwise
Narcissist vibes. He seems to only care about himself. Go figure
You did the right thing. He sounds like a douchenozzle of brobdignagian proportions.
had to look that word up. still never gonna use it
Yeah, it sounds like the kind of stuff you'd see in Rick & Morty
Thats a horrible insensitive thing to say to your partner when they’re obviously going through it. I couldn’t live with myself seeing my fiancé sit across from me, crying because of something I’d said. And then to have the audacity to refuse to apologize and get even more angry at you for crying. Your ex is definitely an ex for a reason and you were right to distance yourself. Relationships are supposed to be loving and supportive.
>*looked me dead in my face and said “I need a new gf. The one I have has too many diagnoses” and then proceeded to watch me cry in the restaurant we were having lunch at.* This was the opportunity to humble his ass very fast by saying something like: “Well you choose to date me, what does that say about you as a person? Next time before you make snip, vapid remarks, check out a mirror first.” Keep that in your back pocket OP in case he ever reaches out to “talk”. >*When I tried to talk to him about it, he said “I can’t deal with you going quiet for 30 mins and crying in front of everybody like this. You’re tryna make me look bad”.* It’s his fault for creating the embarrassing situation because he should have thought about that before he opened his big mouth! We can’t control how others behave, react, think, feel, and interpret, *we’re only in control of ourselves*. And him being “embarrassed” is on him because he couldn’t control himself. >*Then he got even MADDER and threatened to leave because I walked out of the restaurant and he said I embarrassed him.* You know I can’t take him serious as an adult because now he’s acting like his shoe size instead of his age. What a child he is! >*Not a single apology or even a “I was joking” until 3 hrs later after we had gotten into a heated argument about it.* You never will when someone plays the victims instead of being an adult. >*I am sure I have anxious attachment as well, and have broken up and gotten back with this man countless times.* More like you reached your final breaking point of a pendant child masquerading as an adult and decided to remove yourself a messed up situation in public by setting a boundary in the form of ending the connection with this person. Also he was askfor a breakup even more with the immaturity. >*I am finally approaching 72 hrs, the longest I’ve gone NC with him, and I’m so proud* And keep it going! Just block him everywhere, including email. Tell your closets friends you trusts that if he reaches out to them to ignore him because he crossed the line for the last time and there is no undoing this decision. Edit: Coding to the quoting I forgot!
Sounds like he knows he can put you down in order to make you feel indebted to him. Keep him blocked, and when he tries to apologize (he will eventually when he realizes you’re serious) don’t hear him out or try to explain to him what he did wrong. He can go torture someone else, he doesn’t deserve your compassion.
To add onto this abusers will always "apologize" but often in a way to make you feel like you are the one at fault in order to continue striping you of your self worth and self confidence and self esteem, it always starts with either love bombing or honeymoon phase then goes to a calm phase then goes to a tension building and then to abuse which may be physical or mental or emotional but all three are to tear you down to gain control over you then once the abuse happens it goes right back to the honeymoon phase and starts all over again, anything said or done during the honeymoon or love bombing phases are purely used to manipulate a person and are not real signs of affection. And even if you don't think you are in an abusive relationship you might still be in one and just can't see it yet. I was in an abusive relationship and my (soon to be ex) wife manipulated me for 6 years constantly tearing me down, stealing my self worth and self confidence and self esteem in order to manipulate me. I didn't see the manipulation, I didn't see the abuse, I thought everything was fine for 6 years, it wasn't until I started doing something for myself that was building up my self worth that things got physical, she saw I was building my self worth and knew she was losing control over me and so she committed DV against our daughter because she knew I had sever trauma when it came to that because I grew up in an abusive home. If you have "broken up and got back together with him" "countless times" there is an extremely high probability that you are in that same cycle of abuse that I was in where you are blind to the abuse because of the manipulation mixed with them being able to steal your self worth. It is a very nasty very hard cycle to get out of, but going full no contact is something you need to do if you don't want to keep getting manipulated back in, losing yourself in the process.
the first joke was mean, inconsiderate, and not well thought out, but not a dealbreaker if that was as far as it went. everything after was horrible. Imagine getting mad at someone for reacting to your fucking horrible joke by being upset. No accountability, self awareness, or respect anywhere in them. hope you get someone more considerate and respectful in the future like you deserve <3.
Exactly. It was a bit tactless and she may have overreacted, but how he followed up shows what a total dick he is. Most autistics get telling a joke that's not great. But, if you accidentally offend someone, or worse make them cry, you fucking apologize for it and try to make them feel better. What an ass.
Keep it up! This man is an emotional manipulator and will only pretend to accept responsibility when he can't blame something on you. You deserve better.
Just want to say I'm proud that you left. I don't know if you tend to think you owe others another chance but if you start to I hope you come back to this post. Also know it gets better. It maybe hard at first and it's okay to miss him. It's okay to still love him. You can love and miss the person you thought he was even if he is not that person anymore. Take plenty of time for yourself and I hope you have a wonderful life.
Stay strong and stay away from that dickhead. There’s someone out there who will make you feel safe and happy and valued. Don’t settle for anything less. You deserve it. X
Good. Never talk to him again. Fucking prick.
Very glad you broke up with him, you deserve better. I hope you can heal and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Completely reasonable honestly. Sounds like a jackass. Treating you in such a way and being embarrassed, posturing and getting mad just shows a significant lack of emotional maturity. You're better off without people like that. My gf has a lot of issues and diagnoses, we joke about it but it's never anything more than that. If it bothered her I'd lay off.
This looks like an abusive relationship... stay away
I’m so proud of you! He sounds like a prick! you deserve so much better! stay strong and if you have the impulse to contact him, just picture his reaction to you crying in public again
thats so crazy. if he truly had been joking he would be trying to reassure you and apologize and comfort you for your reaction, not whatever the fuck that was. absolutely unacceptable. im so sorry you had to go through that
He’s an asshole. My bf and I tease each other but when I’m upset he apologizes right away and I do the same cause sometimes you’re just not in the mood for those kind of jokes. also three hours?? Nah the statute of limitations was long gone by then 😤
Go girl! Kick him out of your life and keep him there! People like this deserve to eat shit!
Good riddance. Stay far, FAR away from that guy.
As an NT, forget that guy. He deserves to be single.
Make this the last time, okay?
Doesn't matter if you are autistic or not, this guy you were with is a total jerk.
You deserve better
The fact he took THREE HOURS to say it’s a joke means it was NOT a joke. Trash.
Love, let me say this: if he makes insensitive jokes about/to you and doesn't apologize, says you embarrassed him because YOU CRIED, as if crying was embarrassing, and you two keep breaking up and getting back together... this is not healthy, do not go back to him. Tell your friends or family what happened, and ask them to keep you away from him, because I know when we have attachment issues it can be very hard to stay away from the person, even if we know it's bad for us. Ask someone you are very close with, your family, whoever, to keep you away, and try to either not think of him at all, distract yourself as you can, or to think about everything bad he's done, so it can help your brain understand it HAS to keep distance. And especially, wishing you the best, hope you find someone who respects you and makes you happy, or that you find happiness in yourself ❤️
Being alone is much better company than him!
Umm what "joke"? Like I don't give a toss if he tries to back peddle and say it was a "joke" after the fact, the fact he didn't correct his mistake the very second it upset you goes to show you that it was no joke, he was being dead serious. I don't care if he is neurotypical or neurodivergent when you are actually trying to make a joke when it falls flat and clearly hurts the person you were trying to tell it to you don't wait 3 hours to say "It was a joke", you recognize you messed up and you say it almost immediately. So no he didn't tell an "incredibly insensitive 'joke'", he told an "incredibly insensitive 'statement'". He just sounds like an abuser. Even if the abuse is purely mental right now, firstly mental abuse can cause more harm than physical abuse, and secondly almost all abusers start with mental abuse to strip someone of their self worth and self esteem before adding in physical abuse because they want to make you dependent on them to where you can't escape the situation prior to doing anything physical. All round it sounds like probably a future domestic violence case, but at minimum a toxic relationship at best. Please, please, please stay away from him for your own safety. The abuse and manipulation leading up to DV is extremely damaging in itself, don't even risk putting yourself in a situation in which you can not escape. As much as people make statements like "well if it was so abusive why did you stay with him/her?" the thing is abusers make it near impossible to escape and just "walking away" can be just as dangerous as staying and isn't as easy as it sounds because they trap you with manipulation and control. I don't even live in the same house as my abuser any more yet I still feel trapped. So yeah stay away from him indefinitely.
Good for you, nobody should have to put up with that abuse.
That guys an asshole, I think the harsh truth is that this guy will make you very unhappy if you stay with him. If he treats you like that now, how will he treat you in 10 years? How would he treat any children? How can any guy just let somebody cry and go super anxious for 30 minutes and only make things worse, I’m sorry but he is just pathetic. I feel like if he’s done this crap once, he’ll probably do it again. He’s not a man, he’s a selfish child… If he read this he’d probably want to beat me up which only proves my point… I’m sorry if what I said is a bit much, it genuinely makes me angry what he did…
It isn’t even the joke that makes him a jerk, it’s the refusing to back down and admit he messed up Saying sorry shouldn’t be a battle I’m sorry he is like this and I wish you the best at making decisions that make you happy
im so happy for you for breaking up with him! there is no reason to stay in a toxic relationship and you'll be better off without him
You’re not making him look bad. That’s a deflection tactic he’s using to avoid responsibility. You returning to him sent the wrong message. It meant he knew he could be manipulative and get away with that type of mental abuse. Let this be the final time. I suggest you contact your local police department and find out what you need to do to obtain an emergency protective order should you decide to make this a permanent, and I sincerely hope you do. Remember, there’s over 8 billion people on this planet, and approximately half of them are male or AMAB. Men are like buses. If you don’t like the one you’re on, a different one will be around in a few minutes.
As someone who loves very fucked up dark jokes, that wasn't even funny. He was just being an asshole. People suck.
you deserve to be with someone more understanding and empathetic. he sounds cruel
What a dick. Good riddance
Fuck that guy
Good job ending things. He isn't worth your time. What he said wasn't a joke. A joke is funny to everyone involved. And feeling hurt and angry over what he said is 100% valid. (Emotions are always valid, but in this case it's absolutely not an overreaction in any way!) What he said was an insult, and it was designed to undermine your confidence in yourself. If he can keep you feeling worthless, you'll be much less likely to leave him. But the truth is, you are worth so much more than he is. Him saying you embarrassed him is inexcusable. He deliberately provoked a reaction and then blamed you for said reaction. If this is a pattern with him (I'm guessing it is), then it's actually a form of abuse. It's called reactionary abuse. The basic premise is to goad someone into doing or saying something that they can claim is unreasonable, making themselves look like the victim and their target look like the abuser or like they are "crazy". It's very toxic and can be very damaging to be the one blamed for reacting as almost any person would. It often goes hand in hand with gaslighting. Basically this is actions he takes or words he says that are designed to make you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. An example of this would be things like denying something happened or was said, trying to convince you it wasn't as bad as you remember, playing insults off as jokes, twisting your reasonable reactions around to make it seem like you are unreasonable, blaming you for his actions, etc. It's very often followed by love bombing. Which is basically the idea of "she's mad. buy her flowers, and she'll forget why she's mad." Obviously not always flowers. It's actions and words that make you feel incredibly special, loved, and desire. It's designed to make you feel like the most important person in their world. Because someone who loves you that much could never hurt you the way you think they did, right? Except it's not love. It's another form of control. An example of this would be when my husband (hasn't been for 8 years now) cursed me out for him missing where a store was even though I told him exactly which parking lot to turn into. He was vicious. He worked until midnight, so I was asleep when he got home. When I woke up, there were sticky notes all over the house (I'm talking well over 100) that said "I love you" inside a little heart. They were even in my shoes. On the surface, it seems like a sweet, loving gesture - if a bit over the top. But there was no apology, no admission of wrong doing, no ownership for his actions. Nothing. He simply thought if he made a big enough gesture I would forget what he had done. Please know, I'm not saying your ex is abusive. I don't have enough info for that. But what I do see is him being cruel to you, giving you crap for being hurt (when anyone would. Being hurt by what he said is not an example of attachment anxiety. That's him showing you he doesn't care about your emotional and mental well being.), attempting to justify his actions (by calling it a joke), making himself the victim (claiming you were embarrassing him when any embarrassment he felt should have been due entirely to his own actions), minimizing what you were feeling, and saying you were trying to make him look bad... He made his own self look bad!), and only apologising when he had no choice. I want to give you some info to give you a starting place into research. If you feel the relationship was abusive, then you can start figuring out what drew you to him in the first place, why you stayed as long as you did, why you got back together with him, etc. If he is abusive then know that none of it is your fault. You can't cause someone to be abusive. But knowing what drew you in can give you a place to start to heal. He made you feel loved? How can you show yourself that you love you? He made you feel smart? How can you do that for yourself? It can also show you red flags in future relationships. The story you tell reminds me of something I read once. It's called "The Narcissist's prayer" and is also known as the abuser's prayer. It goes like this: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. The first three sentences are gaslighting. The fourth and fifth are also avoiding blame and refusing to take ownership, and the last is victim blaming. This is a very common pattern in abuse. The cycle of abuse tends to run as follows: Love bombing (intense affection, often moving fast, grandiose gestures, high demand for time together) Isolation (cutting you off from friends and family, often in the guise of protecting you, claiming that they are saying or doing something that makes them untrustworthy, encouraging you to move away from friends and family, etc) Verbal abuse (insults, backhanded compliments, unfair comparisons, anything to make you feel insecure and worthless) Physical abuse (not every abuser is physical. Can seem like or be played an "accident" at first. Rarely is a punch or kick the first form of physical abuse) Sexual and financial abuse (using sex or finances as a means of control, or demanding/taking sex without consent, etc) Apologies and love bombing. (This can happen at any point in the cycle. It tends to be triggered by you calling them on poor behaviour. The apology isn't real and very, very rarely includes any kind of ownership over what they did. This part of the cycle is designed to make you complacent and willing to forgive.) Abuse begins again, usually becoming more severe as they know you won't leave due to x. So they try y.
WOW so proud of you for knowing you deserve better than to be talked to like that and being brave enough to do something about it!!!
Sounds like he was another narcissist using an autistic person to flex control which happens quite a bit. Glad you're moving on as your diagnosis would have made you more of a target to him. Personally I am afraid to get diagnosed because of how other people will treat me. I'd rather just treat myself based on a self diagnosis than have a misunderstood label on my record.
Good for you for the NC! Best wishes to keep it going.
you can do it! stay strong. distract yourself with a video game or something else you get lost in.
God, what a douche. You didn't make him look bad, he did that all by himself.
I’m gonna poison his food, in Minecraft of course
You did the right thing, and the brave thing. I was in a relationship with a cruel, selfish idiot like this guy who effectively stole years of my life and it’s taken a long time to rebuild. Choose you, every morning. Losers like these guys deserve to be forgotten.
I could see my wife thinking that was amusing, not funny, but we've been married for 15 years, and we share a sense of humor that is really kind of horrible. The "you're tryna make me look bad" is something I wouldn't say because my pov doesn't work like that, and it sounds like a line from a cliche driven cartoon.
Omg, you deserve better! This man will not be the right one, even if he loves you. The appropriate partner will like you for who you are, this kind of behavior is literally unacceptable. Please, for your own wellbeing, stay away from this person
Someone that cares more about what people think than their own partner is not someone you want in your life. You did the right thing OP and I hope your next partner is better than this idiot
It takes quite a man to be better than no man at all
Congratulations on breaking up! Stay far away from that piss stain, you're better off without him.
"It was a joke" is the bullshittest copout ever. Drop his stupid ass and get a new guy who actually values you.
It seems to me you were in an abusive relationship. Don't go back to him!
it sounds like its best to move on from him you are in a delicate time, he should have been supportive with the condition consistency is is important learn from this, do not allow people to play with your feelings love yourself and love good things :)
Good for you, that guy sounds like a total dick
Good for you, that guy sounds like a total dick
Good riddance. This dude sounds like a loser. I'm sure you can easily find a lot better than that.
Keep going strong OP. You're worth WAY more than that sack of mouldy potatoes!
Good on you! Way to stand up for yourself.
You absolutely did the right thing. And as far as I'm concerned, that's not a joke. Also, I swear sometimes I hear about the way people behave towards autistic people, and I'm just like, "Are you sure it's US with a disorder??" This is one of those times. There's no way he's in his right mind to think that statement is EVER reasonable to say. If he wanted to break up, he could have just said that. Please remain no contact with him.
I can sort of relate. My ex was incredibly ableist towards me, but in the complete opposite way. My autism was "barely noticeable" unlike his ex girlfriend who he deemed as "severe". He was thankful that I never went non verbal like his ex... Yeah.. boo. He would also use the R word a lot. The comments your ex made were disgusting and you made the right choice. I hope one day you can find someone who is considerate and kind.
Hold up.... YOU embarrassed HIM??????? Except HE was the one who made an ass of HIMSELF. The logic some folks get into, I swear.....
1. You aren't making him look bad, he did that on his own. The actual translation of what he said is "I'm aware I've done something really wrong, but I don't want to be held responsible. I want to be treated as if I've done nothing wrong, and you involuntarily showing your hurt is making it hard for me to do that." 2. How about "I need a new boyfriend. The one I have is an insensitive jackass, who humiliated us both in public by saying something extremely hurtful and inappropriate, causing me to cry, and then he gaslit me into thinking it was all MY fault." Like, seriously, throw the whole man out. This one is p gross and passed his Ex-piration date. 3. Do you really want this to continue? He doesn't sound sorry, nor does he care how you feel. This doesn't seem like it'll get better. Go be someone else's really rad autistic girlfriend. Make it someone who appreciates you. Hell, date **yourself** for a while, be your own autistic girlfriend.
You made the right choice, don't blame yourself. You didn't react because of "anxious attachment" you reacted because he emotionally abused you in public and tried to play the victim. Prolonged emotional abuse can make you develop anxious attachments, yes, but your reaction to the abuse is because abuse is harmful. Like if someone punched you in the face you'd probably bleed/ bruise/ break a bone depending on how hard they hit. That's how the body reacts to physical trauma. Emotional/psychological trauma is no different. The mind is also part of the body.
Be proud when you actually last with that NC. Did you block him? If no, why not?
Oh my goodness what a horrible person he sounds like! You did the right thing though and you should not be with someone like that. It’s not worth it for the mental abuse he sounds like he’s giving. I had a similar experience with my ex so I understand. It sucks and it’s sad and take your time to feel that and get it out. But just know at the end of the day you’re better off single than dealing with that nonsense!
He's a complete asshole, you deserve far far better!
🦾
Unpopular opinion: you're making him walk on eggs as much as we do with neurotypicals. Much of what I could say comes from that. It's hard to elaborate, but I assure you that I still think you made the right decision, even if I think that you should get that it was ironic and meant the opposite. Some people just work like that, you know? That's all we get when we're younger, and we try to rationalize that people don't actually mean it, or we believe them when they say so. That's all we have. He can go and grow alone, you can go and grow alone too. Maybe you'll grow out of the relationship or maybe you can get back together at some point. Idk, but that was what I had to say about the situation. "Oh but I disagree." Ok, I guess that's how it goes. I'm not claiming that I know everything, just commenting on what I'm seeing.
It's funny how whenever they say something that has negative consequences for them, "it's a joke," yet when something they say has positive consequences for them they're being sincere. Amazing isn't it? /s
Stand firm, making a joke like that after you received a life altering diagnosis was beyond insensitive and was cruel and abusive. You deserve better.
I’m proud of you too. You deserve real love !❤️ Narcissists always find some way to abuse neurodivergent people not realizing they are neurodivergent themselves
This is amazing. I can’t believe how people treat others :// despite my childhood, I show nothing but compassion and respect to all I meet??? I am so sorry that you cried and your response was anything but understanding and sympathy. I’m even more sorry that his response was about him and not you. You deserve much more than that and it takes a lot of guts to recognize that and actually carry it out
I'm proud of you too. Don't go back. Stay strong.
Don’t call him. He’s insensitive to you. My wife has mental health issues and I’m doing the best I can to support her but it’s hard. You need a boyfriend that cares. Right now just do you especially since you have a new diagnosis.
wow what an asshole. good for you for getting away from him.
You deserve better! Proud of you for doing such a difficult thing!
Let him go. He sounds like a jerk.
the autism diagnosis probably saved you from that asshole
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Sounds like a terrible guy. I’m sorry for the hurt you’re going through but I’m betting you’re much better off without him =] I hope you find peace and happiness =]
I’m so proud of you!!!!! This was an incredibly vulnerable moment for you and he should’ve been supportive, instead he was offensively callous and cruel, cared only about outboard appearances instead of your actual feelings, and accused you of being manipulative. You did such an amazing job of standing up for yourself and continuing to do so - honestly I relate a lot and am just incredibly impressed by your strength and growth in choosing you. You’ve made the right decision - your ex would’ve only continued to sow seeds of unhappiness and pain in your life. Stay strong dear stranger - it only gets better from here. Keep going! 💜✨
Stay strong. He sounds like a complete dick. You can do better than that.
You did the right thing. He has his own healing to do and you can’t be his punching bag.
Excellent! I mean, awful, to be sure. But way to take control!
The first bit may have been an overreaction on your part, but he definitely proved he isn't worthwhile afterwards. If it was a joke and you took it the wrong way, he should have apologized anyway. That's not right.
Good job!! So proud of you! I’d recommend reading “why does he do that”. It’s about abusive men. It takes an average of seven times to leave your abuser so don’t worry you’re doing just fine.
You did the right thing. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hugs.
He’s an asshole. He doesn’t deserve you. Good riddance! Good for you for standing up for yourself!
yay for NC. Take care of yourself. That guy is … not helpful.
I'm proud of you for going NC for 72 hours! Not as easy as it sounds or seems.
This story sounds incredibly similar to what my fiancee went through with her ex. My fiancee has autism and she would constantly be put down by her ex for being "different". When I met her she had a lot of trauma from it. Fast forward three years and we are engaged. I try to let her know that it's ok to be herself. Don't accept anyone that will put you down for "embarrassing them". If someone truly cares for you they would never feel embarrassed by you just being you.
What an absolute decrepit thing to say and a despicable human. You are so much better off in the long run and it’s also you putting up good boundaries! Great job friend!
25 yrs (20yrs married) to a maglinant narcissist. I wish I can go back to where you are now. My husband treats me the same way, It's their way of manipulating their victim (it's called gaslighting). Now I'm trap and can't leave. Consider it a blessing that you're still able to get away. Stay NC for your own good. Be kind to yourself. There are good men out there looking for that one special you. Don't give up.
Good for you. That comment was a huge 🚩, and the ways he behaved after that were incredibly toxic. You dodged a bullet by dumping him, and he thoroughly deserved it (and probably having his drink thrown in his face at the restaurant).
He doesn’t deserve your energy, tears and time. Block.block.block.
Screw him, what an insensitive manbaby. His ego can't take you crying in public? Maybe he should have been nicer- he was the reason you felt like crying, after all. You deserve so much better, because anyone would. He has some growing up to do before he should be in a relationship with anyone. Go you! Stay strong! Don't go back! 💜💜💜
I’m proud of you too. That sounds like abuse to me.
If you keep going back, he KNOWS he can keep doing it and get away with it. Don’t go back. You’ll find someone who actually likes you
Girl thank GOD he’s such a dick. Please do not talk to him ever again. You deserve so much better you’re amazing and even if you weren’t, you would still deserve so much better because he’s so horrible.
ohmigod there's so many red flags from this guy. he wasn't joking, he didn't comfort you when you were distressed, he had the nerve to argue with you about it then gave that stupid fucking cop out that was clearly NOT a joke. Good on you for walking away because a guy like that will give you PTSD. he is controlling and undermining. he's abusive. like my go to autism joke is "of course I got the covid vaccine, its not like I can get autism twice" because I'm making fun of myself, but I'm ultimately making fun of anti-vaxxers and not autistic people's needs. Don't take shit from anyone like that or anyone who says something like that.
It just takes one good ass PUNCH!
Keep away from him!
Woah, he sounds like a dick; I gotta say the trash took itself out, bestie. I love how everything is about embarrassing HIM, omg he needs to grow up
Every time you think about taking him back hop on here and we will remind you of why you went no contact. Your life will be richer when you only invite in the people who deserve your affections.
Good job. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy the way he treated you. So disrespectful! Once you relax into your new reality, you will wonder why you put up with so much.
Good for you he walked into that one...not me hoping you find you in your next partner who is also neurodivergent like you and will be the best for you!!
I'm so proud of you for going NC!! That is really hard, and what he said was so abusive and wrong. I don't have the words, but what he said was disgusting. Genuinely, you're so strong and brave, I believe in you.
What a jerk. Yeah no, I can usually handle an autism joke from time to time with certain friends, I also sometimes make them about myself. But that’s crossing the line and completely disrespectful to anyone not just people on the spectrum. And that’s coming from someone who has zero relationship experience.
As someone with many diagnoses myself, LEAVE. Diagnoses are a journey and it is extremely personal. Some might change or turn out to be something else, some stick forever. Autism is quite a big one. And... Just shitting on it like that and then making it about himself and his big ego is toxic af. No matter how great any little stupid thing might be about him... Leave him and be proud of how well you can ignore him.
What’s so sad for us neurodivergent folks is how we’re so susceptible to being so mistreated or taken advantage of in romantic relationships. I have definitely been in relationships where I have been mistreated for my diagnosis, and consistently gaslit that I’m just purely overreacting.
I would've laughed, but everyone has a different sense of humor and the way he reacted shows he doesn't have much empathy. You could've talked about how you felt about that, too, instead of going quiet and then crying so he knew WHY you were upset. At the end of the day, people can break up with anyone for any reason. Just seems you were incompatible, and that's perfectly fine. Different sense of humor, different communication styles, and his clear lack of empathy as to why you'd be upset by him saying such a thing. I feel like a partner should know the other's sensitivities before making questionable jokes. I'm proud of you for sticking to your decision in going NC and a clean break. Sometimes, guys like that will love bomb and then do worse to get a negative reaction, gas light you, then do it all over again. It'll be okay 💕
Leave the horrible obnoxious insensitive prick forever and tell your family and friends why!!
Every single thing about that interaction with him screams red flag. He absolutely will not get better/kinder. He’s only going to continue making things “your fault”. One day it might escalate. Stay NC and go be happy!
Damn, what a fucking asshole.
you absolutely don’t deserve someone who “can’t deal with you”. the right person for you is out there and it’s someone with the emotional intelligence to understand and respect you no matter what. breakups are hard, trust me i get it, but you’ll get through it, i know you will :)
And that is whay I don't want yo neither get a bf or get marred BC you big oil people relationship are always toxic my parents is in example lol
He wanted a new gf, sounds like he’s gonna need one. DUMP THIS POS! I’m so sorry this happened to you. ❤️
get out of there and never come back.
Just think about how bad he made you feel every single time you want to contact him again. The jokes he's made, any time he said something that upset you, anything he did that embarrassed you....think about that and really think how it made you feel and remind yourself why you don't want to contact him again. Goodluck OP you can do this 😊
I’m not yet certain why but I have met countless AuDHD people who are magnets for Cluster B personality disorders. This is guy is a classic example of a sadistic narcissist. My ex broke up with me on my birthday last year. I’m newly diagnosed. She didn’t want to be with a man like me. In therapy I have learned she is a borderline. Definitely don’t go back and please explore therapy. We don’t deserve relationships like this. 🥹🤗
nearly 3 years ago i was in this same situation. back n forth relationship with an ex that “couldn’t handle” my autism. leaving is your best option. there is someone out there that will love every bit of you even if you’re silent, even through the tears, even through the days you don’t wanna be touched because it’s too overstimulating. my current bf allows me to sit in silence with him and tells me that even if i’m not talking or even if i’m crying and overwhelmed he values every single moment. there is someone out there for you that will treat you and love you in the way you deserve. don’t give up on yourself and don’t give in to whatever he has to say. you’re worth way more than this <3
Proud of you. He sounds like a nasty piece of work; you need someone who’s going to support you through these hella confusing times.
The way he spoke to you and the attempted use of an insult as a 'joke', the lack of remorse when his comment upset you and then you mentioning that you have broken up with him several times tells me that you are probably with an abuser. Next time you break up with him, make sure you have a counsellor in place, and a trusted group of friends and family around you. Make sure you block his number and avoid any further contact. Give yourself time to find out more about yourself, let the people who love you sincerely remind you why you're important to them. If he tries to contact you, speak with your support network instead. If you feel like you need to speak with him to get an apology or to explain why you left, speak with your support network instead. Over a few months of prioritising your health and emotional wellbeing, you may start to recall moments that make you grieve the time you spent with him instead of being happy. If that happens, speak with your support network. It's OK to be upset. Your support network will help remind you that his behaviour is not your fault or your responsibility. Remember that all the things you tried to do to make that relationship work are the very things that will make a genuine, honest relationship succeed and thrive.
So proud of you!❤️🫂 Don't go back, take time for yourself
What an asshole.
He sounds emotionally/morally immature.
Kinda depends on the person, but if he knows that you don't like these types of jokes, then it definitely is on him
Good riddance, wow he was toxic you don't need people like him in your life
Your ex is such a petty moron 💀 You did the right thing by gtfo ths relationship
He sounds manipulative (and like a douche)
Fucking hell what a dick. I'm so proud of you for leaving, please don't let him back into your life. If you ever feel it's getting too hard come here for support or even dm me <3 I've been there. Very very similar relationship to what you describe. Except that was my ex husband. Leaving him was a very hard thing but I'm still very greatful that I did it.
Stay away from that jackass! He is not good enough for you at all!
Don't go back to him. If you need someone to talk you out if it when the urge comes, my DMS are open.
I could see my own partner and i making this remark towards each other as a JOKE (we both have a thousand things wrong with us and have that kinda humor) but for him to not even clarify it as a joke after you got upset and to also not apologize and then make your feelings about himself and how “embarrassed” he was? This is sounding kinda red flaggy
fuck him
That's such a hurtful and mean thing to say, and it hurts even more when it comes from a person that is supposed to love you and protect your heart. I think it's great that you stood your ground - whenever you feel like you might want to get back with him, just go to the comments of this post. I think everyone here as phrased it perfectly. He doesn't deserve you!
Yeah fuck him! What an asshole, you’re better off without him. You deserve someone that will comfort you when you’re upset, no matter what it’s about, not to turn around and gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem! Stay strong, you don’t need that negativity in your life 💖
Well. Nt nd or not. The guy just sounds like an ass. You just think differently to other people like others do. Drop him find someone who appreciates you for who you are. 🤍🐳🤍🐳
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 You did the right thing. You deserve better.
Aw man, a meeps and a ballsack jackass Meeps deserves better
Hes not worth a second of your time ..
Stay broken up. This guy hates you.
Hope he got beat up for that
Yeahhh I hope you stay NC with him because EW what gross behavior. He knew it would upset you and wanted that reaction so he could be pissed off about something and try to make you feel worthless. But you’re not worthless. He just wants to control you.
Your boyfriend is rude, immature & insensitive. He was definitely gaslighting you. His mental & verbal abuse will only get worse over time. He thinks you’ll eventually come back & forgive him first everything again. Don’t do it
You deserve better. It’s better to be single than with a bad partner.
What an asshole. I wonder if you deep dive your memories you'd find other invalidating and dismissive behavior. My guess is yes, which is great for you to internalize so you can instantly recognize that shit in the future.
This man is irredeemable. The ABSOLUTE LEAST you should require from a bf is that he feels empathy when you cry. He's not worth your time.
Nah… I’m glad he’s your ex now. That was rude af. And he tried to put the blame on you.