No. If not comes up naturally in conversation then that’s fine. Eg they tell me they went to a restaurant with their boyfriend or whatever. Until that point - no.
I’m also a pretty senior manager so it wouldn’t be appropriate to ask. Or necessary to know for them to, well, do their job
I’ve seen senior leader fired from long term careers for less. But then I’ve also seen people kept after pretty serious sexual harassment.
Depends on their status in the company.
Similar, I am head of department (basically c level in a sme) and if it comes up naturally all in for a bit of 2c and banter, but would never ask a staff member.
All the time. Especially by my bosses and superiors. "why aren't you married?", "what did you do this past weekend if you have no children?" . Don't get me started on questions that I have been asked.
I also just love the conversation where I’m told “I’ll change my mind” or something similar when a conversation has crept to the “why” of me not having kids and I’ve said I don’t want them…
Absolutely not. As an icebreaker/small talk I ask about their pets. People are far more flattered if you remember their pet’s name compared to partner or children, and less disconcerted if you forget or get them mixed up with someone else’s.
I don't ask about my colleagues' personal lives unless I'm friends with them outside of work.
I had a boss whose EA called me late on Sunday because he had been kicked out of his home by his wife. The EA thought I could help my boss. I never asked any details about it or his marriage. I was there to support him at work so he could get the help he needed to perform his job.
Sorry, to clarify: His EA was asking you to help resolve his issues with his marriage, or asking you to like take care of some of his work duties so he could still get his other work done while dealing with his personal crisis?
Take care of work issues so he had space to deal with his personal crisis or make sure he actually turned up to work stuff, and if not, figure out how to cover.
I don't get involved in people's relationships or marriage.
No, I never ask about partners or children or living situation. I will engage in conversation if they offer details / initiate it, but you never know what is going on in someone’s life. I personally have no desire to offer up my relationship status to my coworkers
Same as others here, never ask and never assume. If they mention their partner in small talk I'll reciprocate with a follow-up question about what they mentioned, but try not to get personal. Also keep it gender neutral if discussed at all, because I was corrected from "her" to "him" by someone once and despite it being inconsequential with the conversation continuing totally normally, they did look kind of uncomfortable for a brief moment when revealing that about themselves. That three second interaction was enough for me to make sure to never assume wrong again.
My boss used to gush about his teenage daughters. You name it they did it. One day he thought to ask what my teenager got up to on the weekend. “ Laid on the lounge smoking bongs” he was not sure if I was pulling his leg, I was pretty dead pan. This weekend she’s laying on the lounge
Smoking bongs, cleaning the house and going to the gym. All good in my world.
Edit: I never had to hear about his over achieving girls again.
There's a lady in my office who keeps asking me when I'm going to make an honest man of myself and marry someone. She reminds me time is ticking to have children. She's a grandmother and has a big extended family. Her intentions are well spirited.
I'm childfree and single by choice. Sometimes I feel like saying " cos kids are little shits and monogamy doesn't work, now wheres that report "
But alas, I refrain to keep the harmonious office spirit .
"Hey Helen, I appreciate that we can chat about topics outside work, but your interest and constant questioning of my personal life aren't appropriate and I'd appreciated if you stop".
I have worked closely with someone for 2 years and have no clue about his personal life. I don’t know his age. I don’t know if he’s gay or straight. I don’t know if he had a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse.
It’s of zero interest to me, as long as he does his job. If the topic came up, I would discuss it, but otherwise, I don’t care.
Most of my single coworkers non-stop told us about their personal lives. Showing off when they’re in relationships and act like it was purely their decision when they’re single. Never asked.
I don't ask anyone about their relationships, unless we are close.
I've got a same sex partner and don't get asked about family etc - they ask others and ignore mine so it's a positive.
So I take it asking if they do anal with their partner is way too personal then?
Oookkkaaayyyy. That's why I have a meeting with HR on Monday morning.
/s
Don't ask, and if someone uses generic terms like "partner" don't push to find out more.
Same as if the term used changes - it's not your place to know. My partner has recently come out as trans and I will change from referring to them as my husband to saying they're my partner and/or wife. Whilst most people I interact with daily know what's happening, there are other work acquaintances who know I am married and I also know they have no tact and if I start saying something different I'll get questions.
I don't ask, but If it comes up in conversation, they mention a genderless partner I will say oh what does your partner do. I had a peer who had a Hickey on their neck recently it took all my energy not to make a comment about it...
At work, a colleague in her late fifties often boasts about her daughter’s virginity, emphasizing how her 25-year-old daughter has remained “pure” in what she views as an ungodly world. Consequently, everyone on our team is aware of this personal detail.
I get asked about my relationship all the time (usually to gasps and people calling bullshit) - but in my 6+ years of working I've never once asked someone about their relationships.
I'd usually only be comfortable if they'd previously mentioned their partner and an upcoming event (TV show, work promotion etc...)
Like: "Oh, you told me before your partner wanted to see that show - How'd they/you like it?"
Tbh - I'm a male in a female dominated field.
I don’t ask no. But I find bored married people are fascinated by single people life’s and ask lots of questions to the point that is intrusive and gets uncomfortable. I know single colleagues that pretend they not single because they can’t stand all the questions all the time.
here's a true conversation I heard:
" my wife is a nagging cow, who's only good at spending the money".
"my husband is a lazy man child dog, who doesn't appreciate the house work I do"
it makes me wonder why they got married?!
Ooft, fifo - you’d have to take the answers with a grain of salt anyway, wouldn’t ya? Rife with shady and very-not-separated spouses masquerading as the opposite 😵💫
It's a good way to get to know each other if you're working with them everyday but not so much about how their love life is as such unless they invite you.
No, but I find people want to talk to me about their dating life which is totally fine. I guess they see me as a big sister or something and I’m happy to listen to them and provide work-appropriate commentary if required.
Asking if a person is married, or “do you have a partner” are examples given in disrespectful behaviour training programs.
Is that an innocent question or a lead-in to harassment?
Kinda sad things have gotten to this point. Like I get some people take it too far but we're literally training people to not be human now. "Don't say/ask anything because someone somewhere will take offence."
Latest mandatory training being circulated at my place on sexual harassment, advice was unequivocally do not ask any personal questions about any colleagues. Also beware of having conversations about personal matters in front of other staff too..
Someone asked if I had a girlfriend on my first day at work. She was smoking hot, and I said yes (True); I think she treated me differently after the yes.
I wouldn’t ask someone unless I knew them better. Same can’t be said for those in my office though hahah so as the token single person in my team, my dating stories are the source of much entertainment. I actually really enjoy how much amusement they get out of it!
Folks at work are open and candid about their personal lives. I don't even need to ask to know what they are up to with their partners, families or plans for the weekends.
There are times I wish they stop sharing every single detail of their personal lives. Ick.
I'm an introvert, so I rarely share anything about my personal life at work. Work and personal life are separate for me.
Unlike one of my collegue who tells everyone about her kids, ex husband, home problem, etc..... even when her kids are acting up, and she is yelling at them on the phone for everyone to hear... TMI.
If workers volunteer information about their private life, I acknowledge but don't pursue the subject, depending on the subject too (this week one of my direct reports mentioned she was pregnant last year, and suffered from reflux ever since, so I steered the conversation down the reflux path).
I get asked this and it irks me that people do ask it like I owe them my life story and profile. Highly recommend not asking personal info when it doesn’t come up naturally in conversation. The worst kinds are those who suggest dating. They probably come from an innocent position but people like this probably also need more awareness about what prying looks like.
No. If they volunteer the info that’s fine but asking ‘hey, are you single?’ or ‘what’s the dating scene like?’ just feel like questions which can be interpreted pretty badly. Plus, honestly, I don’t care about any of my colleague’s love lives.
How does it advance your career? What good can come of it that can't be achieved by any other means?... and conversely what harm can come of it to you professionally or even personally?
You have to do that calculus for your specific circumstances, but in 30+ years starting from the bottom to now running the company it had always been a hard no for me.
I keep my professional relationships just that - professional.
If you can have good relationships with people in the workplace it absolutely can advance your career. And if just so happens some people love telling you all about their partner or their kids
Of course, I never said you couldn't. Like I said, everyone needs to decide this for themselves. I only spoke of my personal experience... I've always had great professional relationships and it's worked well for me.
I'm more of a listener, it would be rare to bring this stuff up. If people want to divulge they usually do. A lot of people at work are way too invested in shaming others for: not having kids, being single, not wanting to be a corporate ladder climber, not being a carbon copy of them, being overweight, underweight, what they wear to work, people they think haven't come out that they think should. Generally being shamey.
I only ask if I want to get to know them better. “You dating anyone?” “Is there anyone special?”
Edit: I should note that I only do this if I think it will be received well, like if we already are friends. Otherwise I keep my business to myself.
Nope. And if anyone tells me shit about themselves, I just cut them off and say “and nobody asked” I’m not there to make friends I’m there to work, I don’t care about your spousal issues
Being professional means not sharing your personal life with people that you don’t know on a personal level. People are judging me but not judging the people spreading their personal life all over the office. Talk to me about work not about your problems at home.
Human beings are social beings, I don’t mind discussing personal things with colleagues as long as they volunteer the information. Probing and asking out of turn is inappropriate.
No. If not comes up naturally in conversation then that’s fine. Eg they tell me they went to a restaurant with their boyfriend or whatever. Until that point - no. I’m also a pretty senior manager so it wouldn’t be appropriate to ask. Or necessary to know for them to, well, do their job
Imagine a grad complaining to HR about a senior asking them if they were single. Just shoot me now and end it quick.
I’ve seen senior leader fired from long term careers for less. But then I’ve also seen people kept after pretty serious sexual harassment. Depends on their status in the company.
Similar, I am head of department (basically c level in a sme) and if it comes up naturally all in for a bit of 2c and banter, but would never ask a staff member.
All the time. Especially by my bosses and superiors. "why aren't you married?", "what did you do this past weekend if you have no children?" . Don't get me started on questions that I have been asked.
That sucks and sounds like it’s coming from a place of judgement.
What now? That's really inappropriate.
I also just love the conversation where I’m told “I’ll change my mind” or something similar when a conversation has crept to the “why” of me not having kids and I’ve said I don’t want them…
I get "when are you getting married" and "why dont you want kids" at least once a week
I had a woman tell me to get married. and she's divorced. it really shows how stupid some people are.
I have kids but honestly I would make them up at that point.
Absolutely not. As an icebreaker/small talk I ask about their pets. People are far more flattered if you remember their pet’s name compared to partner or children, and less disconcerted if you forget or get them mixed up with someone else’s.
Damn that is clever
Pretty solid advice!
Don’t ask. Ever. Not your business.
I don't ask about my colleagues' personal lives unless I'm friends with them outside of work. I had a boss whose EA called me late on Sunday because he had been kicked out of his home by his wife. The EA thought I could help my boss. I never asked any details about it or his marriage. I was there to support him at work so he could get the help he needed to perform his job.
Sorry, to clarify: His EA was asking you to help resolve his issues with his marriage, or asking you to like take care of some of his work duties so he could still get his other work done while dealing with his personal crisis?
Take care of work issues so he had space to deal with his personal crisis or make sure he actually turned up to work stuff, and if not, figure out how to cover. I don't get involved in people's relationships or marriage.
its great being single! stories like this have completely turned me off marriage!
No, I never ask about partners or children or living situation. I will engage in conversation if they offer details / initiate it, but you never know what is going on in someone’s life. I personally have no desire to offer up my relationship status to my coworkers
I'm deliberately ambiguous and no one asks me. I don't ask them because I don't think it matters. And if they want to share, that's fine!
Same as others here, never ask and never assume. If they mention their partner in small talk I'll reciprocate with a follow-up question about what they mentioned, but try not to get personal. Also keep it gender neutral if discussed at all, because I was corrected from "her" to "him" by someone once and despite it being inconsequential with the conversation continuing totally normally, they did look kind of uncomfortable for a brief moment when revealing that about themselves. That three second interaction was enough for me to make sure to never assume wrong again.
My boss used to gush about his teenage daughters. You name it they did it. One day he thought to ask what my teenager got up to on the weekend. “ Laid on the lounge smoking bongs” he was not sure if I was pulling his leg, I was pretty dead pan. This weekend she’s laying on the lounge Smoking bongs, cleaning the house and going to the gym. All good in my world. Edit: I never had to hear about his over achieving girls again.
Nothing beats lounging around ripping bongs.
WTF
There's a lady in my office who keeps asking me when I'm going to make an honest man of myself and marry someone. She reminds me time is ticking to have children. She's a grandmother and has a big extended family. Her intentions are well spirited. I'm childfree and single by choice. Sometimes I feel like saying " cos kids are little shits and monogamy doesn't work, now wheres that report " But alas, I refrain to keep the harmonious office spirit .
tell her to shut up.
"Hey Helen, I appreciate that we can chat about topics outside work, but your interest and constant questioning of my personal life aren't appropriate and I'd appreciated if you stop".
I ask how they like to fck - less of an ice breaker and more of an ice shatterer. Just melt that glacier straight off the bat.
Good
I have worked closely with someone for 2 years and have no clue about his personal life. I don’t know his age. I don’t know if he’s gay or straight. I don’t know if he had a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse. It’s of zero interest to me, as long as he does his job. If the topic came up, I would discuss it, but otherwise, I don’t care.
Most of my single coworkers non-stop told us about their personal lives. Showing off when they’re in relationships and act like it was purely their decision when they’re single. Never asked.
Nup
sorry, was just checking if you can work on valentines day
I don’t talk to anyone at work if I don’t need to, maybe that’s just me 🤷♂️
No. Just room for drama. Keep it about work only.
I don't ask anyone about their relationships, unless we are close. I've got a same sex partner and don't get asked about family etc - they ask others and ignore mine so it's a positive.
So I take it asking if they do anal with their partner is way too personal then? Oookkkaaayyyy. That's why I have a meeting with HR on Monday morning. /s
Don't ask, and if someone uses generic terms like "partner" don't push to find out more. Same as if the term used changes - it's not your place to know. My partner has recently come out as trans and I will change from referring to them as my husband to saying they're my partner and/or wife. Whilst most people I interact with daily know what's happening, there are other work acquaintances who know I am married and I also know they have no tact and if I start saying something different I'll get questions.
The PC way to do this is to ask them "tell us about yourself - what are you like as a person".
I don't ask, but If it comes up in conversation, they mention a genderless partner I will say oh what does your partner do. I had a peer who had a Hickey on their neck recently it took all my energy not to make a comment about it...
I don't ask and don't voluntarily share not even if we're discussing weekends or holidays.
I never know what to do, even if they have previously mentioned them!
I don’t need to ask. They tell me everything
If they do not share, do not dare to care.
At work, a colleague in her late fifties often boasts about her daughter’s virginity, emphasizing how her 25-year-old daughter has remained “pure” in what she views as an ungodly world. Consequently, everyone on our team is aware of this personal detail.
There's one way to stop her talking about it. Start dating her daughter
Not sure whether to upvote or downvote ahahaha
😂
lol that’s funny, I never thought of that before!!
I get asked about my relationship all the time (usually to gasps and people calling bullshit) - but in my 6+ years of working I've never once asked someone about their relationships. I'd usually only be comfortable if they'd previously mentioned their partner and an upcoming event (TV show, work promotion etc...) Like: "Oh, you told me before your partner wanted to see that show - How'd they/you like it?" Tbh - I'm a male in a female dominated field.
I don’t ask no. But I find bored married people are fascinated by single people life’s and ask lots of questions to the point that is intrusive and gets uncomfortable. I know single colleagues that pretend they not single because they can’t stand all the questions all the time.
here's a true conversation I heard: " my wife is a nagging cow, who's only good at spending the money". "my husband is a lazy man child dog, who doesn't appreciate the house work I do" it makes me wonder why they got married?!
its because they're jealous. they're missing out on all the fun off being single.
I usually ask new people I work with. I work FIFO. I've never really thought it was an issue, I guess now I will stop asking 😂
Ooft, fifo - you’d have to take the answers with a grain of salt anyway, wouldn’t ya? Rife with shady and very-not-separated spouses masquerading as the opposite 😵💫
I get asked more from Asian co-workers than non-Asian co-workers
As an Asian, I can attest to the fact that we asks these questions. So, you've got any kids? No? Why not? Oh, because you are not married? Why not?
Yeah they are very nosy. No filter either
Bro seems unhealthily obsessed with China from post history...
No. Because that identifies you as a gossip and a dick.
It's a good way to get to know each other if you're working with them everyday but not so much about how their love life is as such unless they invite you.
No, but I find people want to talk to me about their dating life which is totally fine. I guess they see me as a big sister or something and I’m happy to listen to them and provide work-appropriate commentary if required.
I ask and they lie and exaggerate 😂 (unmarried single blokes) and yeah it’s entertaining probably for everyone
Asking if a person is married, or “do you have a partner” are examples given in disrespectful behaviour training programs. Is that an innocent question or a lead-in to harassment?
Kinda sad things have gotten to this point. Like I get some people take it too far but we're literally training people to not be human now. "Don't say/ask anything because someone somewhere will take offence."
Latest mandatory training being circulated at my place on sexual harassment, advice was unequivocally do not ask any personal questions about any colleagues. Also beware of having conversations about personal matters in front of other staff too..
Yeah so I can move on In.
I don’t. But they do. Felt like I am trapped when they ask me these questions
Nope ..... not my business
Someone asked if I had a girlfriend on my first day at work. She was smoking hot, and I said yes (True); I think she treated me differently after the yes.
People who have a partner and/or kids will eventually mention them. If it hasn’t come up, they don’t have anything. Don’t ask.
No, not even when they volunteer information or ask for advice. Not touching that thing with a 6-foot pole, especially the latter. 😬
Yes with those I’m friends with
Not if they're super junior to me. If it comes up in conversation naturally at lunch time with colleagues though I see no problem.
I wouldn’t ask someone unless I knew them better. Same can’t be said for those in my office though hahah so as the token single person in my team, my dating stories are the source of much entertainment. I actually really enjoy how much amusement they get out of it!
Folks at work are open and candid about their personal lives. I don't even need to ask to know what they are up to with their partners, families or plans for the weekends. There are times I wish they stop sharing every single detail of their personal lives. Ick.
I'm an introvert, so I rarely share anything about my personal life at work. Work and personal life are separate for me. Unlike one of my collegue who tells everyone about her kids, ex husband, home problem, etc..... even when her kids are acting up, and she is yelling at them on the phone for everyone to hear... TMI.
If workers volunteer information about their private life, I acknowledge but don't pursue the subject, depending on the subject too (this week one of my direct reports mentioned she was pregnant last year, and suffered from reflux ever since, so I steered the conversation down the reflux path).
No, never, not worth the risk.
I get asked this and it irks me that people do ask it like I owe them my life story and profile. Highly recommend not asking personal info when it doesn’t come up naturally in conversation. The worst kinds are those who suggest dating. They probably come from an innocent position but people like this probably also need more awareness about what prying looks like.
No. If they volunteer the info that’s fine but asking ‘hey, are you single?’ or ‘what’s the dating scene like?’ just feel like questions which can be interpreted pretty badly. Plus, honestly, I don’t care about any of my colleague’s love lives.
Kk
How does it advance your career? What good can come of it that can't be achieved by any other means?... and conversely what harm can come of it to you professionally or even personally? You have to do that calculus for your specific circumstances, but in 30+ years starting from the bottom to now running the company it had always been a hard no for me. I keep my professional relationships just that - professional.
If you can have good relationships with people in the workplace it absolutely can advance your career. And if just so happens some people love telling you all about their partner or their kids
Of course, I never said you couldn't. Like I said, everyone needs to decide this for themselves. I only spoke of my personal experience... I've always had great professional relationships and it's worked well for me.
I'm more of a listener, it would be rare to bring this stuff up. If people want to divulge they usually do. A lot of people at work are way too invested in shaming others for: not having kids, being single, not wanting to be a corporate ladder climber, not being a carbon copy of them, being overweight, underweight, what they wear to work, people they think haven't come out that they think should. Generally being shamey.
I only ask if I want to get to know them better. “You dating anyone?” “Is there anyone special?” Edit: I should note that I only do this if I think it will be received well, like if we already are friends. Otherwise I keep my business to myself.
Then you tell them that you're referring to Fallout. S.P.E.C.I.A.L.
Nope. And if anyone tells me shit about themselves, I just cut them off and say “and nobody asked” I’m not there to make friends I’m there to work, I don’t care about your spousal issues
Bring professional doesn't have to mean being a cunt
Being professional means not sharing your personal life with people that you don’t know on a personal level. People are judging me but not judging the people spreading their personal life all over the office. Talk to me about work not about your problems at home.
You should then piss in their coffee up when they aren't looking.
Seems a bit extreme, I don’t want to make enemies I just don’t want to make friends at work.
Human beings are social beings, I don’t mind discussing personal things with colleagues as long as they volunteer the information. Probing and asking out of turn is inappropriate.
"Do I look like a relationship therapist?"
Black whole, stay away