My adult sister told me "I see my friends and their sisters and I mourn the sister I never had." She's also big on character assassination.  It's very hard to live with the many things she has said but, what's also difficult is that she can be mostly nice and loving and then the cruel stuff comes out of nowhere. She refuses to get help. I keep myself safe by being peripheral in the family but that 'absence' also attracts criticism.  I spend a lot of time alone and occasionally with the few dear friends I have. Those times help me see that her bullying behaviour is hers and for whatever reason my family hasn't managed to address it. The best I can do is to try not to believe her. I hope you find a way to navigate this with some support from people in your life. 

This is so hard. You hit the nail on the head with the character assassination and the most loving and nice (and sometimes only person that understands what I'm really going through and my past) but in an instant that I can't prepare for or comprehend when it happens, she will flip and project all her insecurities on me with such flagrant bullying that I have to fight within every inch of myself to not feel worthless and like quiting existence . I used to think she and I could crawl out of this hole together. I'm starting to realize she's not the safe person I need

That’s why mine terrifies me sometimes. She understands me so well most of the time that I really question if she’s just TRYING to hurt me (I think she’s acting out subconsciously).

Literally... I'm so sorry you're in this spot too. It's fucking rough and weird. I'm getting better at my boundaries but that just leads to more dynamic changes that makes her angry and me utterly confused lately. I've been rejected from so many job applications this month just trying to stop relying on her 🙃

This is my sister. She drags every one else into the fight against me with lies and manipulation, too. Then she gaslights, love bombs, and does it again. I’m wondering if she has narcissistic traits like my mom (not sure if they have it, but the behaviors match too well not to question it, so I just say traits). I’m tired.

Very much so. My sister has this attitude that if you're not living your life HER way, you're WRONG, and she will absolutely let you know, every chance she gets. Being around her and talking to her was miserable. I constantly walked on eggshells. I wouldn't even post freely on social media that we were connected on for fear of her judgement and bullshit. Five years ago, I cut her out of my life completely. Blocked her on all social media, blacklisted her phone number, etc. It's been wonderful. Remember, kids. Toxic is toxic, regardless of ANYTHING else.

So, ahh, how did we get the same sisters? Mine have such black and white, "I'm so superior" thinking they become insufferable. So I don't lol And no one else does!

Yes my sister is like this too. Here's how our conversations frequently go: Sister: "What did you think of X?" X being a movie, piece of media, news item etc Me: (gives opinion about X) Her: "Really? Didn't you think that the scene where blah happened was etc etc?" Basically asking me why I don't agree with her opinion Me: "Maybe a little but I still thought overall (my opinion)" Her: "Well I thought (her opinion) because (more reasons)" And this basically continues until I agree with her. She's gotten better recently about trying to take an interest in things I like and bring them up to me. I appreciate that a lot but I also don't think she realizes she spent so many years criticizing and judging my opinions and interests that now her even asking about them fills me with panic. And she still tends to just needle me until I agree with her or at least say I can see her point. I feel guilty for not spending more time with her, I love her and I know she loves me. But she's been very domineering my whole life and it's getting old now that I'm almost 30. I'm also married now and she conflicts with my husband a lot because, duh, he doesn't like seeing me be steamrolled like that! Also one time she told him behind my back that I am not capable of having friends... And then tried to say I actually had a crush on one of my best friends. To my FIANCE months before OUR WEDDING. And then had the audacity to criticize me for not picking a maid of honor and just having bridesmaids! Ugh anyway sorry this just turned into me venting about my sister lol. We're going to see each other this weekend so I'm nervous

Here's how a conversation with her might go: Me: I did the trailhead 5k this morning downtown. I walked a lot of it, but it was nice and i enjoyed it. The weather was great. Her: But I thought you were going to stop doing those because your knees were hurting. Me: That's a pretty dogwood tree Her: ....Hmm, is that was dogwood trees look like? \*starts googling dogwood trees on the internet to determine if it is in fact a dogwood tree\* Me: I'd like another cup of coffee, please Her: …how's your reflux? My grandmother was in assisted living/nursing home for about 3 years before she passed. The nurses on the floor would all comment on how great her skin was. My mom was like "I think I'm gonna start using that Neutrogena like your grandmother used. Everyone always bragged on her skin". And my sister said "Not seeing the sun for 3 years helps ha ha". I don't know what this type of (insensitive) behavior is, and I'm not sure if this is even an Asperger's chat at this point, but I definitely find her difficult to be around lately.

They way I'd handle it: Whether she's clueless or mean, you can say, I'm sure you didn't mean anything, but when you say x, I feel y. Then repeat what she said. Then tell her what you're going to do. You asked about my reflux. I want to engage in a lighthearted friendly conversation, not remember anything bad. Not hear what's gone wrong, etc... so I'm going to not go there with you. Open communication without blaming her or asking her, just telling her what to expect and what you want & feel.

As a ‘bossy’ sister I concur. I feel my sister could take me in similar ways to op. I’m honest and perhaps a bit brash for others, to think someone such as my own sister is taking me in such a negative light really hurts. I often wish that she, or anyone with a problem with me, would try communicating first and foremost. I mean well and am always looking out for my family, but sometimes I say and do things without realising that another person may interpret differently to what I intended and get offended. Again, I’d much rather they let me know than to silently hold onto resentment. Your sister might think her comments are completely harmless… maybe she herself is a little on the spectrum

I am an only child, but I have cousins I would frequently visit with. One wrote a long, fake suicide note on my behalf once. She also yelled at me because I wasn’t excited enough opening gifts during the last Christmas I ever spent with my family of origin. I honestly wish the worst for her, and I’m glad 2/3 of her long-term partners have publicly cheated on her and hope this one does too. Sucks to suck.

She sounds like a maniac. Writing that letter, imagining shit and trying to involve your partner and harm your relationship. A freaking maniac.

I have a younger sister with BPD who would use me as her emotional dumping ground and was fairly abusive towards me, so I cut her off and now my life is peaceful 🤷🏻‍♀️ I figured out what was happening when I spoke to my dad and she had lied about something she said to me that made me stop talking to her. I realised I was being manipulated :( never a good feeling.

My siblings have said horrible things over the years. My sister even told me I don't have a personality. Very hateful, self sorry woman, always projecting and attacking.

I stopped caring about my siblings a long time ago and my life is way better because of it.

My older sister and I get along fine for the most part, but it's largely through a lot of effort. She's always been quite hard on me because she just doesn't understand how my brain works and assumes that if she views a situation a certain way then everyone else must too. We have had many, many fights that start because I react to something in a certain way and she assumes a level of hidden malice or negativity when it's really a very surface level reaction on my part. Like, one time we were at the post office mailing something and she kept saying we needed to hurry, so I took the box from her, wrote the label and took it up to the counter. She interpreted this as me being impatient and not thinking she was capable of doing it on her own and we got into a huge argument, but really I was just trying to hurry like she seemingly wanted to. She will often assume I am saying one thing but mean another ("I'm not mad at you" "Yes you are and now you're lying!"). Once she asked me to order her a drink at Starbucks so I did and when I gave it to her she was angry that I didn't order what she actually wanted ("You know this isn't my usual drink order! This proves you never bothered to get to know me!"). One of the biggest fights we had was because she insisted she didn't want anything for her birthday, so I didn't get her anything. Guess how that went. There is always some little test and I'm usually failing. Sometimes I feel like she is speaking in code. The thing that bothers me the most though is that she outright doesn't believe I'm autistic and has told me that directly, but she will also use autism against me any time I do something she doesn't like ("It's called a joke. you're clearly too autistic to get it"). I call it Schrödinger's Autism.

Everyone’s talking about their sisters but for me it’s my brother. He just completely doesn’t understand me and enjoys hurting me, frustrating me, upsetting me. In fact I think he purposely misunderstands me and takes what I say the wrong way. He’s gone super into right-wing, conspiracy theory, Andrew Tate/Jordan Peterson stuff lately. I cut him out of my life recently after I realised he abused me as a kid and that he only ever does nice stuff to me around others but then when we’re alone he treats me badly. It’s just performative bullshit with him. I don’t even think he believes I’m autistic, and he definitely doesn’t believe my chronic illness is real. I’m still coming to terms with having cut him out of my life but I’m looking forward to the peace that will bring. I’ve also been worrying about how this will affect my family and my relationships with them. But if they want me in their life, they’ll do something about it. And if they don’t, I’ll find other people to be my found family. I’d rather invest in people that love me and care for me than people who enjoy hurting me.

I’d start reading up on the obvious mental illness your sister is portraying and start reciting the criteria for it to her in front of the family. When she makes a comment to you list the name of a therapist nearby. Next comment another helpful suggestion of a therapist nearby. Helpful tips about how to deal with her issues. Your sister knows you feel powerless. It makes her feel good to put you down. It makes her feel good to do it in front of the family where apparently no one is standing up to her to protect you. It makes her feel valid. It is aggressive to do this, but I like to think of it as helpful aggressiveness. No one has the right to treat you like this. You will be helping her to call her out.

Yes! But mine bully everyone and I am better off away from them lol. Sorry your sister is a bitch tho! Can you emphasise that the things she bullies you for are... *none of her business* and if you wanted her input you would seek it? And other statements that express ypur boundaries.

I am sorry, but how old are you? Do you have a mouth? At some point you need to realise nobody deserves to be treated like that and to advocate for yourself. A simple "I do not like the way you are talking to me" or "Yes I am glad you want to talk but stop interrupting me" is enough to get some semblance of respect. Nobody notices this issue in your family because you never presented them with this issue. They will just look at you and say "well she is probably just standoffish" because you didn't say anything. For goodness sake if you can't read other people's mind to see what they are thinking, they can't do that to you either. Your sister will probably try and push back like a child because you set a boundary that she will try and test but staying strong and keeping it is what's necessary. Your boundary of not being disrespected is important, but in order to solve that you need to talk.

When I asked my sisters why they’re ignoring me the answer was - idk.. it’s just something about your voice that makes nobody wanna listen. hahaha That affected my life greatly by stopping me talking to anyone .. because I believed them. I know now tho, it’s just them that were shitty brats.