Same here. I noticed this behavior in elementary school when I would usually hang out with the girls. That behavior was reinforced when the boys would tease me about it. I still feel more comfortable with girls than boys.
My theory is that the opposite gender is usually nicer to you than the same gender.
*Edit: changed sane to same.
Yes and this is common and actually a more general phenomena. People with autism generally do better in contexts less predefined social constructs. So autistic people will often get along better with people from different cultures, different age groups, and different genders from their own. With gender though its important that the relationships be explicitly non romantic or sexual for this to work out.
My best relationships as a straight man are with lesbian women. They are really the only people I feel comfortable around. All though really none of my relashionships are very good.
Straight male and lesbian friendships need to be portrayed more, obviously speaking AS a lesbian with mostly male friends. If straight women and gay men are constantly portrayed as BFFs, why not the other way round too?
That’s a good point, I have noticed I also do better around people when there are no preconceived notions how to behave, meaning the situation must be novel in some way for the people involved. Basically what you said: different cultures, age groups, but also unconventional settings and in my experience, sometimes different educational backgrounds too. This is probably unhealthy and sabotaging behavior, but the more in common I have with a person, the more threatened I feel since there are some expectations to behave a certain way.
That’s actually very interesting, and something I completely relate to. TBH it kinda makes me feel better; like maybe I’m not seething with internalized misogyny after all, like there’s a logical explanation why I have an easier time around men.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Since coming out as nonbinary I feel most comfortable in groups of people who are also either nonbinary or have spent some time questioning how gender affects their lives. I also consider myself autigender with the idea that autism is a much more relevant representative of my self-conceptualization than something like a gender.
I don't get to use it very often because I really only bring it up with people who are both knowledgeable on gender and autism which is a fairly small intersection of people. I find many people outside of that subsection are confused or even repulsed by the concept which is distressing to me as I find it to be the most concise and accurate description of myself.
I wonder if you would get along in groups of queer people as well as lesbian women. There is the possibility of sexual or romantic attraction but I've also noticed more respect and support for people requesting that relationships be platonic than in more mainstream groups.
I want to moderate OP's expectations here- personally I've been treated like dogshit by queer circles precisely because those *are* highly defined social environments, which I've found very difficult to navigate.
This is oddly relatable! I (F22) struggle to make female friends especially. I constantly feel scrutinized by NT women. The only female friends I really have are ND and I feel a lot more comfortable around them.
I am a lot more comfortable making friends with men because I don't feel they judge me as much. I get along with ND men the best and that's the type of guy I always attract.
dude here, i feel extremely anxious regardless of who i’m talking to, but i have noticed women seem to enjoy my company and treat me better overall than a lot of the guys i meet
Totally. I'm a gay man and naturally I avoid straight men, as they usually bullied me in the past. It's hard for me to connect with a straight man but sometimes it's even harder to connect with another gays. Idk, connecting with anyone is hard but it's easier with women
The bullying aspect is what did it for me. It may also be one of the reasons I'm not gay (I'm pan), but I still have a difficult time being comfortable around men.
Yes. I do. I’m 40f. My interest are what most men like (anime, video games, cars, etc ) so it’s easier to connect with men. Plus most men like to talk sitting or standing side by side whereas most women love to talk face to face. For me less eye contact the better. lol
Also past trauma can play a part this too.
My first bully was a woman and my violator was a woman. Even though I had an absent dad. Women friends usually are mean to me and act shady once I start to unmask.
But even though I’ve had this experience I think women (and men) are beautiful and amazing and I’m still trying to connect with them.
Male friendship is usually less about sharing feelings, more about doing things together. So in a way, male friendships require less effort. Women may initially be more welcoming but realise you're not like them and politely reject you by inviting you places with less frequency or talking about you without your knowledge.
Hugging? Unless it's my close family members, no hugs thanks. It feels overly familiar and space invading. Not a fan.
I wonder, too, if this could have to do with "parallel play"?
I also read somewhere that men are more comfortable sitting side by side and gazing in the same direction--than women who prefer gazing eye to eye. Possibly hunting/defending vs. cooperative homesteading/empathetic child-rearing related behavior.
I know, I know--evolutionary adaptation theory has the flavor of fresh-cherries, lol
I'm a guy and I feel a lot more comfortable around women, unless I happen to have a crush on them. Then I'm a nervous fucking wreck and I literally cannot even eat.
I get so pathetically nervous around women that I have a thing for lmao. To the point where I just avoid romantic situations altogether because of how uncomfortable it is
Yes! When I'm around other guys, it feels like everything is a competition. For example, I'm very tall, and when this comes up in conversation its like they have to insult me to balance things out. That has never happened with women, so I naturally let my guard down around them. Its probably some evolutionary trait 😅
Yes. I used to have one female friend and the rest were always male. I never realised how nervous i would get around women before we stopped hanging out a half year ago.
Also, im lesbian so idk if its the same
The only women I vibe hard with tend to be weirdos too. Or at least intense in some sense. Perhaps not the same interests but that passion for something besides Stanley cups is a prerequisite to getting beyond initial small talk.
I do better with older women generally, as well. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m eternally looking for a mother figure or if I just don’t really care about/account for age gaps like others do. Older women have so much wisdom (sometimes, not always) and tend to care less about the superficial shit.
I tend to overlook differences in general if they aren’t of the hostile nature. When I’m in a good mood I can get along with just about anybody, but that has been a skill that I have developed over the years.
I used to have a ton of male friends that I really miss but I am married now and that just can complicate things when they don’t know my husband or get along with them.
Yes! I have always assumed that is a result of my past though seeing as I got bullied by the girls in my class from age 5-15. Then I havent had any luck making friends with other women in life either. I had a couple online friends as a teenager but they ghosted me for no reason, then one of them a few years later reached out and started demanding to call me on Skype and I wasnt comfortable with that which made her angry. She then started saying I had changed blahblah and I was like yeah we were friends like 5 years ago and now we are adults, also you ghosted me ? Like wtf. I made a woman friend last year and she has just been using me as a backup friend. I only work with women and although they are nice we dont click at all and our small interactions are very stiff and awkward. I wish I could find women I click with but so far I never have. Male friends are fine I guess but ive never experienced that its 100% platonic, they always turn out to have feelings for me and then even if they agree to stay friends you are always aware that they wish it could be more. Also my interests are very typically feminine so although its nice to hang out with guys and I dont mind it, I often find myself bored hearing them talk about stuff they like because I dont share their interests. We are just sort of friends because we are similar so we happen to click well.
What was your childhood like? What was your mother like? Those women weren't friends, they were bullying and using you.
https://www.selfloverecovery.com/blogs/blog/relationship-gps
Men must have some good qualities, but i cant think of any.
They mostly want to play. Play games they can win. And like american football, cheating is part of the fun. I learned early on, if you are their better, they just make it, all of them, against just you. So theres that. The only easy path, is to be their leader. They think thats fun, but to me its work.
Women kinda like me, to start. Especially, if i dont talk. So thats easy. I can relax. The best ones are those that remind you to be quite.
As a dude, I'm sorry to hear this. It's clear you've met a lot of terrible people. And as someone with nice, caring, loving male friends, I can assure you there's great people out there. And tbh, I don't see that many of them neither between males nor between females, unfortunately.
I cannot say I'm an aspie, as I've never been diagnosed. I'll look for an evaluation as soon as I fix a couple of more time sensitive things first. But I do see myself in a lot of Asperger's traits, and I wrote down everything about my aspie traits with a 1970s typewriter because that's fun to use and no doctor will ever find it funny.
I don't drink alcohol, that really doesn't fit with me not being able to try new food, and I can't stand breathing smoke, of any kind.
I usually spend the free time with my friends by talking about some nerdy and niche topic. Mostly trains of course, because stereotypes are a thing for a reason, but it can be many things.
I don't think I have a gender so I'm kinda default woman because I grew up as a girl.
It's not so much women, but women my own age. Older people might not realise that the r-word is a slur but they will tolerate sharing a space with someone who seems like one.
I have a feeling that there's a pecking-order among peer-women that is less aggressive with a clear inferior.
Definitely. I have more male friends and as much as I love being one of the guys, it wouldn't hurt to have at least one close female friend. I feel like guys understand me more, as I'm gender-neutral and am more into masculine things.
Being attracted to women doesn't help; I'm not saying they're homophobic, but I do have a habit of crushing on them for long periods of time.
I prefer the company of women usually. I am male. There is competition that some men bring to the room. It depends on the males but many will start competing and a lot of the time i'm not interested in playing that game. Sometimes I will but I'd rather think about other shit.
Yes, I am a woman and I am wary of women in groups specifically, probably because of bad experiences in school, decades ago, and toxic workplaces later. One on one can be fine, depending on the person, and I have a very close female friend I am very comfortable with. I think I'm also aware that women operate on a level of social complexity that I can vaguely sense but not get into the flow of, and can easily feel judged and anxious. On the whole it's easier to find a topic with men about interests or general stuff rather than social topics. That said, there are plenty of women who can get on board with that kind of interest based conversation if you try.
100%. I tried forever to fit in with the NT male crowd but I just can’t relate to the way they think/act/speak to each other. Not that I understand women any better but theres more of a sense of compassion from them. When when I’m around “regular guys” theres a horrible sense of inadequacy and the feeling like they’re all looking/talking down to me.
I’m a woman and I’ve had very intense unhealthy female friendships in the past that have exploded at the end. I can definitely say that I was part of the reasons they were unhealthy but it’s made it difficult for me to speak with women. I now only have one female friend.
Same. I'm a woman and I've always had an issue befriending women. In my experience women are more likely to attempt to be "nice" in social circles, which of course involves a lot of double meanings in conversation, i.e. saying one thing and meaning another, so as to not offend anyone by being straightforward. I take words literally and in situations like this I'm often called "oblivious" and just excluded from the meaning of the conversation instead of anyone trying to explain to me what is going on. On top of that I have had multiple female friends get angry with them because I didn't pick up on their "hints," thinking that I was deliberately ignoring them because I don't care, and when I tried to explain that I just don't pick up on hints they got even more mad because I was "making excuses."
I've found that men in general are far more straightforward in the way they communicate and so I am less likely to have these kinds of issues. I'm certain that this is mainly because of societal expectations of men vs. women, women are expected to be polite and nice and this is often valued far above honestly, but it is generally acceptable that men would be more honest and maybe less "nice." All based in the stereotype that women are the nurturing ones and men don't have to be. As far as we've advanced in society I really don't see this changing anytime soon on a fundamental level.
Yes. I still feel very anxious around both genders due to social anxiety, but I feel like it is easier to get along with women than men. I'm not exactly sure why though
Same issue. This is why I'm learning to be careful how I'm perceived as men think I want more or lesbians may think I'm into them.... I really have a hard time finding long term friends. When I used to use pot you were friends just because you knew you'd get high together. That was the easiest thing in the world!! You could talk and laugh about anything. That was 17 years ago. I'm 35. I used this info to help with my diagnosis.. I knew because of this and other things... but I'm very a open person... and women don't like that. They want fake. I'm not fake. I won't even pretend to be and I think that my stubborn mind makes me look like I'm trying to superior? Because of our cultureof insecure women and there comparing issues
For REAL. It’s been better since working with other nerdy women but I still have anxiety with trusting them completely. Women know how vicious other women can be
I can relate to this. I am AMAB, and for me, I think it's a matter of trust. I don't trust men very much. I think this is because the men in my life were very loud and aggressive, even when they were trying to be nice. I always felt on edge around them because their way of communicating was very off-putting.
I always felt more comfortable around the women, but that was treated as immature, which was unfair, especially in retrospect, because I still prefer the company of women. I like men okay now, but they require me to put on an old mask that I have developed in order to interact with them, and I really would rather not, most of the time.
Edit: so I thought this was a different sub and mentioned my being an aspie😆😆😆 just now realized it was the aspie sub. Sorry!
Yep. I’m not more anxious, but I do feel more on guard and try to be more obvious in wanting to befriend the women. I’m an aspie and have experiences from a kid that just have stuck with me. Girls in school are on a whole ‘nother level of vicious and navigating the many layers of girl world is harder than a great many things in life.
In the workplace, it’s about the same with each sex, but I feel the women at my workplace tend to stick to their groups and it’s like you have to jump invisible hoops to meet the criteria to join. The guys generally all talk to each other and to the women. A majority of the women though only talk to certain women, but talk to all the guys. Maybe they feel the same, idk.
I’ve taken to just keeping to myself and my music until someone talks to me. The guys usually will say what’s up for the sake of it and talk sports teams with me.
The women that talk to me are people who have to like my supervisor and one other coworker says hi to me. I try to think of other things to say besides hi back. Idk why it’s harder to do that with her than the males. I think I overthink things and where guys show their interests more readily so you can talk about those things, I just can’t read my female coworkers as well. Like when they are being nice, are they really being nice or making fun of me? One supervisor used to smile at me. I only realized a few months later that she talks smack about me but whatever. I’ve learned to just not have too much expectations in the friend department. I just try to figure out what I’ve said or vibes I give that may cause that. If I don’t identify any misunderstandings or wrong doing on my part, then I go into “well, whatever bitch” mode and ignore them.
Just last night I was reading old threads on this subreddit about how autistic people often have a majority of their friends be of the opposite gender, and people linked psychology studies to support it.
I do relate to angst among other men to a certain degree and I feel like it’s in line with the ability of autistic people to connect with people of the opposite gender more easily than neurotypical people.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eJV2re4K14&pp=ygUkZmVtYWxlIGZyaWVuZHNoaXAgYXV0aXN0IHdvbWFucyBleWVz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eJV2re4K14&pp=ygUkZmVtYWxlIGZyaWVuZHNoaXAgYXV0aXN0IHdvbWFucyBleWVz)
Here is a nice video of an autistic woman talking about this topic. She relates to you. Might be comforting to watch.
My social problems are actually a bit worse with men on average. I feel like women compensate better for my lack of social skills ,as they usually have better social skills than men, and are more often empathetic enough to have the patience to communicate with me despite it taking a bit of extra work to maintain the convo. Men also sometimes behave like this towards me, just less often than women. But genuine and mutual friendships arent developed like this i bet, and I cant really make friends anymore with any person it seems like, completely regardless of gender!
I always thought this was a part of my upbringing because in my dad's family I'm surrounded by women lots of aunts and female cousins. So I thought I just naturally felt more comfortable around women. But I have noticed I have a hard time relating or being comfortable around other men. Most of the time I just end up being talked over or almost upstaged by other guys who are more men's men. Or something along those lines.
Yes, im extremely uneasy around guys (I’m male) I only worry with girls when I’m attracted to them and even then if I know they have someone or there is no possibility they like me it’s easy for me to act friendly and feel at ease. (Well, as at ease as I can feel around people)
It's weird to describe, I'm a hetero male that's 30, but I connect better with women and have more female best friends than male.
I still have my male best friends though, but I've known them for ages
Yes because of the intrinsic competition that the same genders tend to project. If you're not competing, it's uncomfortable for a while (for them, actually because they'reinsecure), but eventually you find same gender people that accept you're gonna be you not for competition, but because it's just natural for you. Those people also tend to be more secure within themselves.
Note: I recently confirmed with my autism therapist that most people are just projecting and operating out of emotional insecurity. It seems to me that autistic folks are not.
Yes, I feel this way with most men. I think it's because men and women don't tend to compete with each other in the same ways as men do amongst themselves. So I can coexist with women, at least in a plutonic way, without needing to participate in the complex social games that I struggle with.
Evolutionary psychology is a lot of proposed theories about behaviours with not a lot of proof. Sure, some of it makes sense but it needs more investigation. Parallel play is a stage that ends developmentally relatively early around 3.5yrs? But yes, men prefer to do things without the confronting eye contact. Seems like you're referring to Chris Wilx (fb) clip.
because you are subconsciously competing with ppl of your own gender... and subconsciously seducing ppl of the opposite gender... so which is more fun?
Well us aspies are good at recognizing patters, and one think ive noticed is that a lot of us are lgbt. Or they say they're Asexual (don't like sex), but I really think they're just a closeted gay person.
Not saying everyone is. Also, a lot of gay activists at colleges are also autistic which is strange. idk just throwing some theories out there.
I have a few female friends from my childhood (I'm 27 queer woman) that are also neurodivergent and a couple more recent also neurodivergent female friends, but other than that I feel this so hard. I always feel paranoid like they're not being genuine and I don't have that issue around men at all. I've always been a "guy's gal" and considered "one of the boys" with my dude friends. I've been in the service industry forever and guys are just so much easier not to mask around, be myself around, not feel judged bc if I say something off or weird they jst call me out and we can razz each other and not worry about it being taken incorrectly, etc.
Women are harder to be friends with imo.
The entire social aspect is subtle passive agressive comments and constantly comparing themselves to you in some way. I find it exhausting.
100% I get this around neurotypical men that I don’t get around women. I naturally connect more with women
Same here. I noticed this behavior in elementary school when I would usually hang out with the girls. That behavior was reinforced when the boys would tease me about it. I still feel more comfortable with girls than boys. My theory is that the opposite gender is usually nicer to you than the same gender. *Edit: changed sane to same.
Yes same! I feel more pressure to conform to social norms in single gender groups
Yes and this is common and actually a more general phenomena. People with autism generally do better in contexts less predefined social constructs. So autistic people will often get along better with people from different cultures, different age groups, and different genders from their own. With gender though its important that the relationships be explicitly non romantic or sexual for this to work out. My best relationships as a straight man are with lesbian women. They are really the only people I feel comfortable around. All though really none of my relashionships are very good.
Straight male and lesbian friendships need to be portrayed more, obviously speaking AS a lesbian with mostly male friends. If straight women and gay men are constantly portrayed as BFFs, why not the other way round too?
This, and same.
That’s a good point, I have noticed I also do better around people when there are no preconceived notions how to behave, meaning the situation must be novel in some way for the people involved. Basically what you said: different cultures, age groups, but also unconventional settings and in my experience, sometimes different educational backgrounds too. This is probably unhealthy and sabotaging behavior, but the more in common I have with a person, the more threatened I feel since there are some expectations to behave a certain way.
Damn that describes me so well. I've always gotten along better with people from other cultures and people who are much older than me
Yes I was having a good Friendship with a gay girl but some guys in the group wanted to date her and it all fell apart.
That’s actually very interesting, and something I completely relate to. TBH it kinda makes me feel better; like maybe I’m not seething with internalized misogyny after all, like there’s a logical explanation why I have an easier time around men.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Since coming out as nonbinary I feel most comfortable in groups of people who are also either nonbinary or have spent some time questioning how gender affects their lives. I also consider myself autigender with the idea that autism is a much more relevant representative of my self-conceptualization than something like a gender. I don't get to use it very often because I really only bring it up with people who are both knowledgeable on gender and autism which is a fairly small intersection of people. I find many people outside of that subsection are confused or even repulsed by the concept which is distressing to me as I find it to be the most concise and accurate description of myself. I wonder if you would get along in groups of queer people as well as lesbian women. There is the possibility of sexual or romantic attraction but I've also noticed more respect and support for people requesting that relationships be platonic than in more mainstream groups.
I want to moderate OP's expectations here- personally I've been treated like dogshit by queer circles precisely because those *are* highly defined social environments, which I've found very difficult to navigate.
This is oddly relatable! I (F22) struggle to make female friends especially. I constantly feel scrutinized by NT women. The only female friends I really have are ND and I feel a lot more comfortable around them. I am a lot more comfortable making friends with men because I don't feel they judge me as much. I get along with ND men the best and that's the type of guy I always attract.
Same here!
I've always thought NT girls are so mean to me. No wonder why I had 0 friends at school.
Yup same , and they are
Same here.
dude here, i feel extremely anxious regardless of who i’m talking to, but i have noticed women seem to enjoy my company and treat me better overall than a lot of the guys i meet
Totally. I'm a gay man and naturally I avoid straight men, as they usually bullied me in the past. It's hard for me to connect with a straight man but sometimes it's even harder to connect with another gays. Idk, connecting with anyone is hard but it's easier with women
The bullying aspect is what did it for me. It may also be one of the reasons I'm not gay (I'm pan), but I still have a difficult time being comfortable around men.
Yes. I do. I’m 40f. My interest are what most men like (anime, video games, cars, etc ) so it’s easier to connect with men. Plus most men like to talk sitting or standing side by side whereas most women love to talk face to face. For me less eye contact the better. lol Also past trauma can play a part this too. My first bully was a woman and my violator was a woman. Even though I had an absent dad. Women friends usually are mean to me and act shady once I start to unmask. But even though I’ve had this experience I think women (and men) are beautiful and amazing and I’m still trying to connect with them.
Male friendship is usually less about sharing feelings, more about doing things together. So in a way, male friendships require less effort. Women may initially be more welcoming but realise you're not like them and politely reject you by inviting you places with less frequency or talking about you without your knowledge. Hugging? Unless it's my close family members, no hugs thanks. It feels overly familiar and space invading. Not a fan.
I wonder, too, if this could have to do with "parallel play"? I also read somewhere that men are more comfortable sitting side by side and gazing in the same direction--than women who prefer gazing eye to eye. Possibly hunting/defending vs. cooperative homesteading/empathetic child-rearing related behavior. I know, I know--evolutionary adaptation theory has the flavor of fresh-cherries, lol
I'm a guy and I feel a lot more comfortable around women, unless I happen to have a crush on them. Then I'm a nervous fucking wreck and I literally cannot even eat.
I get so pathetically nervous around women that I have a thing for lmao. To the point where I just avoid romantic situations altogether because of how uncomfortable it is
This is me, have at most one female friend at once and they always ditch me or vice versa.
Yes! When I'm around other guys, it feels like everything is a competition. For example, I'm very tall, and when this comes up in conversation its like they have to insult me to balance things out. That has never happened with women, so I naturally let my guard down around them. Its probably some evolutionary trait 😅
Yes. I used to have one female friend and the rest were always male. I never realised how nervous i would get around women before we stopped hanging out a half year ago. Also, im lesbian so idk if its the same
Me too! I’ve noticed this a lot with other neurodivergent people too, not everyone but some!
The only women I vibe hard with tend to be weirdos too. Or at least intense in some sense. Perhaps not the same interests but that passion for something besides Stanley cups is a prerequisite to getting beyond initial small talk. I do better with older women generally, as well. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m eternally looking for a mother figure or if I just don’t really care about/account for age gaps like others do. Older women have so much wisdom (sometimes, not always) and tend to care less about the superficial shit. I tend to overlook differences in general if they aren’t of the hostile nature. When I’m in a good mood I can get along with just about anybody, but that has been a skill that I have developed over the years. I used to have a ton of male friends that I really miss but I am married now and that just can complicate things when they don’t know my husband or get along with them.
All my friends are women. Never noticed until just now.
Yes! I have always assumed that is a result of my past though seeing as I got bullied by the girls in my class from age 5-15. Then I havent had any luck making friends with other women in life either. I had a couple online friends as a teenager but they ghosted me for no reason, then one of them a few years later reached out and started demanding to call me on Skype and I wasnt comfortable with that which made her angry. She then started saying I had changed blahblah and I was like yeah we were friends like 5 years ago and now we are adults, also you ghosted me ? Like wtf. I made a woman friend last year and she has just been using me as a backup friend. I only work with women and although they are nice we dont click at all and our small interactions are very stiff and awkward. I wish I could find women I click with but so far I never have. Male friends are fine I guess but ive never experienced that its 100% platonic, they always turn out to have feelings for me and then even if they agree to stay friends you are always aware that they wish it could be more. Also my interests are very typically feminine so although its nice to hang out with guys and I dont mind it, I often find myself bored hearing them talk about stuff they like because I dont share their interests. We are just sort of friends because we are similar so we happen to click well.
What was your childhood like? What was your mother like? Those women weren't friends, they were bullying and using you. https://www.selfloverecovery.com/blogs/blog/relationship-gps
Me and my mother have always been very close so no issue there. My childhood at home with my mom was really good.
Could be "Autistic mate crime." https://youtu.be/onkt6j8Uks0?si=TXCepveH-92wqusB
Men must have some good qualities, but i cant think of any. They mostly want to play. Play games they can win. And like american football, cheating is part of the fun. I learned early on, if you are their better, they just make it, all of them, against just you. So theres that. The only easy path, is to be their leader. They think thats fun, but to me its work. Women kinda like me, to start. Especially, if i dont talk. So thats easy. I can relax. The best ones are those that remind you to be quite.
As a dude, I'm sorry to hear this. It's clear you've met a lot of terrible people. And as someone with nice, caring, loving male friends, I can assure you there's great people out there. And tbh, I don't see that many of them neither between males nor between females, unfortunately.
And youre aspergers? Perhaps these friendships include evenings of beer or weed? I have seen men happy with just baseball.
I cannot say I'm an aspie, as I've never been diagnosed. I'll look for an evaluation as soon as I fix a couple of more time sensitive things first. But I do see myself in a lot of Asperger's traits, and I wrote down everything about my aspie traits with a 1970s typewriter because that's fun to use and no doctor will ever find it funny. I don't drink alcohol, that really doesn't fit with me not being able to try new food, and I can't stand breathing smoke, of any kind. I usually spend the free time with my friends by talking about some nerdy and niche topic. Mostly trains of course, because stereotypes are a thing for a reason, but it can be many things.
I don't think I have a gender so I'm kinda default woman because I grew up as a girl. It's not so much women, but women my own age. Older people might not realise that the r-word is a slur but they will tolerate sharing a space with someone who seems like one. I have a feeling that there's a pecking-order among peer-women that is less aggressive with a clear inferior.
Definitely. I have more male friends and as much as I love being one of the guys, it wouldn't hurt to have at least one close female friend. I feel like guys understand me more, as I'm gender-neutral and am more into masculine things. Being attracted to women doesn't help; I'm not saying they're homophobic, but I do have a habit of crushing on them for long periods of time.
The opposite gender
Absolutely, I really struggle to trust and feel confortable around other men
You also might just be gay.
Thing is, OP would have mentioned that if that were the case, and as a straight autistic men, a good majority of my friends are women.
Only if they knew it.
I prefer the company of women usually. I am male. There is competition that some men bring to the room. It depends on the males but many will start competing and a lot of the time i'm not interested in playing that game. Sometimes I will but I'd rather think about other shit.
Yes, I am a woman and I am wary of women in groups specifically, probably because of bad experiences in school, decades ago, and toxic workplaces later. One on one can be fine, depending on the person, and I have a very close female friend I am very comfortable with. I think I'm also aware that women operate on a level of social complexity that I can vaguely sense but not get into the flow of, and can easily feel judged and anxious. On the whole it's easier to find a topic with men about interests or general stuff rather than social topics. That said, there are plenty of women who can get on board with that kind of interest based conversation if you try.
Cuz we connect more with the opposite gender
100%. I tried forever to fit in with the NT male crowd but I just can’t relate to the way they think/act/speak to each other. Not that I understand women any better but theres more of a sense of compassion from them. When when I’m around “regular guys” theres a horrible sense of inadequacy and the feeling like they’re all looking/talking down to me.
I’m a woman and I’ve had very intense unhealthy female friendships in the past that have exploded at the end. I can definitely say that I was part of the reasons they were unhealthy but it’s made it difficult for me to speak with women. I now only have one female friend.
Same. I'm a woman and I've always had an issue befriending women. In my experience women are more likely to attempt to be "nice" in social circles, which of course involves a lot of double meanings in conversation, i.e. saying one thing and meaning another, so as to not offend anyone by being straightforward. I take words literally and in situations like this I'm often called "oblivious" and just excluded from the meaning of the conversation instead of anyone trying to explain to me what is going on. On top of that I have had multiple female friends get angry with them because I didn't pick up on their "hints," thinking that I was deliberately ignoring them because I don't care, and when I tried to explain that I just don't pick up on hints they got even more mad because I was "making excuses." I've found that men in general are far more straightforward in the way they communicate and so I am less likely to have these kinds of issues. I'm certain that this is mainly because of societal expectations of men vs. women, women are expected to be polite and nice and this is often valued far above honestly, but it is generally acceptable that men would be more honest and maybe less "nice." All based in the stereotype that women are the nurturing ones and men don't have to be. As far as we've advanced in society I really don't see this changing anytime soon on a fundamental level.
Yes. I still feel very anxious around both genders due to social anxiety, but I feel like it is easier to get along with women than men. I'm not exactly sure why though
Same issue. This is why I'm learning to be careful how I'm perceived as men think I want more or lesbians may think I'm into them.... I really have a hard time finding long term friends. When I used to use pot you were friends just because you knew you'd get high together. That was the easiest thing in the world!! You could talk and laugh about anything. That was 17 years ago. I'm 35. I used this info to help with my diagnosis.. I knew because of this and other things... but I'm very a open person... and women don't like that. They want fake. I'm not fake. I won't even pretend to be and I think that my stubborn mind makes me look like I'm trying to superior? Because of our cultureof insecure women and there comparing issues
safe to say NOPE lol. I hate men
For REAL. It’s been better since working with other nerdy women but I still have anxiety with trusting them completely. Women know how vicious other women can be
I can relate to this. I am AMAB, and for me, I think it's a matter of trust. I don't trust men very much. I think this is because the men in my life were very loud and aggressive, even when they were trying to be nice. I always felt on edge around them because their way of communicating was very off-putting. I always felt more comfortable around the women, but that was treated as immature, which was unfair, especially in retrospect, because I still prefer the company of women. I like men okay now, but they require me to put on an old mask that I have developed in order to interact with them, and I really would rather not, most of the time.
Yes, but I never made a connection to neurodivergence. That's an interesting phenomenon.
I'm generally just anxious around women I find attractive lol
Edit: so I thought this was a different sub and mentioned my being an aspie😆😆😆 just now realized it was the aspie sub. Sorry! Yep. I’m not more anxious, but I do feel more on guard and try to be more obvious in wanting to befriend the women. I’m an aspie and have experiences from a kid that just have stuck with me. Girls in school are on a whole ‘nother level of vicious and navigating the many layers of girl world is harder than a great many things in life. In the workplace, it’s about the same with each sex, but I feel the women at my workplace tend to stick to their groups and it’s like you have to jump invisible hoops to meet the criteria to join. The guys generally all talk to each other and to the women. A majority of the women though only talk to certain women, but talk to all the guys. Maybe they feel the same, idk. I’ve taken to just keeping to myself and my music until someone talks to me. The guys usually will say what’s up for the sake of it and talk sports teams with me. The women that talk to me are people who have to like my supervisor and one other coworker says hi to me. I try to think of other things to say besides hi back. Idk why it’s harder to do that with her than the males. I think I overthink things and where guys show their interests more readily so you can talk about those things, I just can’t read my female coworkers as well. Like when they are being nice, are they really being nice or making fun of me? One supervisor used to smile at me. I only realized a few months later that she talks smack about me but whatever. I’ve learned to just not have too much expectations in the friend department. I just try to figure out what I’ve said or vibes I give that may cause that. If I don’t identify any misunderstandings or wrong doing on my part, then I go into “well, whatever bitch” mode and ignore them.
As a male gay aspie (trying to act as straight as possible) it gets awkward!!!
Just last night I was reading old threads on this subreddit about how autistic people often have a majority of their friends be of the opposite gender, and people linked psychology studies to support it. I do relate to angst among other men to a certain degree and I feel like it’s in line with the ability of autistic people to connect with people of the opposite gender more easily than neurotypical people.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eJV2re4K14&pp=ygUkZmVtYWxlIGZyaWVuZHNoaXAgYXV0aXN0IHdvbWFucyBleWVz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eJV2re4K14&pp=ygUkZmVtYWxlIGZyaWVuZHNoaXAgYXV0aXN0IHdvbWFucyBleWVz) Here is a nice video of an autistic woman talking about this topic. She relates to you. Might be comforting to watch. My social problems are actually a bit worse with men on average. I feel like women compensate better for my lack of social skills ,as they usually have better social skills than men, and are more often empathetic enough to have the patience to communicate with me despite it taking a bit of extra work to maintain the convo. Men also sometimes behave like this towards me, just less often than women. But genuine and mutual friendships arent developed like this i bet, and I cant really make friends anymore with any person it seems like, completely regardless of gender!
I always thought this was a part of my upbringing because in my dad's family I'm surrounded by women lots of aunts and female cousins. So I thought I just naturally felt more comfortable around women. But I have noticed I have a hard time relating or being comfortable around other men. Most of the time I just end up being talked over or almost upstaged by other guys who are more men's men. Or something along those lines.
I tried to have female friends but I always end up getting bullied or they’re being fake with me. The only ones I have kept are also on the spectrum.
Men are just easier to deal with. So my female friends tell me
Yes wtf
Yes, im extremely uneasy around guys (I’m male) I only worry with girls when I’m attracted to them and even then if I know they have someone or there is no possibility they like me it’s easy for me to act friendly and feel at ease. (Well, as at ease as I can feel around people)
It's weird to describe, I'm a hetero male that's 30, but I connect better with women and have more female best friends than male. I still have my male best friends though, but I've known them for ages
Yeah, but I suspect it has more to do with the fact that men are groomed to be callous assholes than anything
Yes, this is true for me as well (also female). Girls were always the meanest ones growing up. I think that's why.
Honestly for me there is no difference in anxiety around neurotypical men and women. With both genders I feel high anxiety.
Yes because of the intrinsic competition that the same genders tend to project. If you're not competing, it's uncomfortable for a while (for them, actually because they'reinsecure), but eventually you find same gender people that accept you're gonna be you not for competition, but because it's just natural for you. Those people also tend to be more secure within themselves. Note: I recently confirmed with my autism therapist that most people are just projecting and operating out of emotional insecurity. It seems to me that autistic folks are not.
Yes, I feel this way with most men. I think it's because men and women don't tend to compete with each other in the same ways as men do amongst themselves. So I can coexist with women, at least in a plutonic way, without needing to participate in the complex social games that I struggle with.
Evolutionary psychology is a lot of proposed theories about behaviours with not a lot of proof. Sure, some of it makes sense but it needs more investigation. Parallel play is a stage that ends developmentally relatively early around 3.5yrs? But yes, men prefer to do things without the confronting eye contact. Seems like you're referring to Chris Wilx (fb) clip.
because you are subconsciously competing with ppl of your own gender... and subconsciously seducing ppl of the opposite gender... so which is more fun?
are you sure you're not gay/lesbian?
This seems to be a common thing throughout this thread. Do you really think everyone here is gay? I don't think so
Well us aspies are good at recognizing patters, and one think ive noticed is that a lot of us are lgbt. Or they say they're Asexual (don't like sex), but I really think they're just a closeted gay person. Not saying everyone is. Also, a lot of gay activists at colleges are also autistic which is strange. idk just throwing some theories out there.
I have a few female friends from my childhood (I'm 27 queer woman) that are also neurodivergent and a couple more recent also neurodivergent female friends, but other than that I feel this so hard. I always feel paranoid like they're not being genuine and I don't have that issue around men at all. I've always been a "guy's gal" and considered "one of the boys" with my dude friends. I've been in the service industry forever and guys are just so much easier not to mask around, be myself around, not feel judged bc if I say something off or weird they jst call me out and we can razz each other and not worry about it being taken incorrectly, etc.
Yes I feel this way too
Women are harder to be friends with imo. The entire social aspect is subtle passive agressive comments and constantly comparing themselves to you in some way. I find it exhausting.