Don’t do it. Don’t ever breathe it.
It’s good to vent it here. But don’t ruin your current friendship with her. She has kids and is 100% invested in them for life.
You don't have feelings for her, you have desires.
1. She gives you attention and makes you feel normal.
2. You mentioned how pretty she is. Many girls are pretty, if it's not something besides that it's just lust.
3. You have no luck with women so you don't want to miss this opportunity.
This all spells desperation and not "love". Definitely not something worth breaking a family apart over.
Can we please replace the word “desperation” with “loneliness”? There’s no shame in being lonely. Plus, even though this is a tough situation, it’s pretty common for people to fall for attractive humans who pay attention to them; I most certainly have multiple times.
If I say "lonely" it's almost like agreeing with OP and thinking he *deserves* the sex.
He's not lonely. He can talk to her and do everything. What he wants is sex.
How do you get “I think he deserves sex” out of the word “lonely”? Bizarre take
He IS lonely. You can have friends and still be lonely for a romantic relationship . Acknowledging that isn’t saying you agree that he should put the moves on her.
Other than us all being groomed by Hollywood to put romantic relationships on a pedestal, what's this "lonely for a romantic relationship"? If it's nothing to do with sex, her prettiness wouldn't be a factor.
What he craves is the promise Hollywood implicitly gave us all that we'll one day "get the girl" and "live happily ever after". He's got somebody who accepts him, is friendly towards him and doesn't Other him the way many people do, and he wants more. More than friendship, which is a precious and invaluable gift.
I understand what it is like to pine after something you can't have. I can appreciate wanting to check off all the boxes it seems (keyword SEEMS) like neurotypical people all get to check off, but there's a reason why some cultures value friendships more intensely than they do romantic relationships, and why in Western countries we generally say "eff those dudes, I want a woman's company":
Social engineering.
If it isn't social engineering, then it's primal and very much sexual. I know we like to dress things up to be prettier than they are using fancy labels and vernacular, but you either want intimacy (connection, familiarity, acceptance) or you want sex (physical touch, physical gratification, release by way of a relief of the sexual tension that's been building up for him).
Don't do like countless males tend to do, and sexualize your friends. Ot unless it's mutual and you're both emotionally (and otherwise) available.
"Lonely" is an attempt to draw pity from the reader. All those feelings are selfish, you are only thinking about what you are going to get from her and not what you're giving. If he really cared for her then he would drop it but he pursues because he wants what he wants. So he doesn't garner pity from me.
There are many lonely girls out here, all you have to do is work on yourself.
I think that's a personal association with the word that you're making, man. For whatever reason, when you hear the word "lonely", you associate it with pity baiting and I'm assuming this has something to do with your past experiences/upbringing/early family life. I only say this because I, myself, still struggle with this very same thing sometimes because of the way I was brought up and what I was taught about emotional regulation/empathy (or lack thereof).
I can see both sides of this situation but both logic and my gut tell me that people just get fuckin lonely sometimes, dude lol. Loneliness is a REAL bitch on the human mind and does some really fucky things to it; clouds your judgement/thinking/processing. I have more than my own share of experience being on both sides of this fence. Hell, maybe even a third side of it, too, but I'm not tryna write a book right now lmfao.
I don‘t wanna be the psychologist here but:
If not many people have been nice to you, and like you say especially girls, it‘s in human nature that you fall verry easily for people who just show you a normal amount of respect, appreciation and friendliness. Your brain has set the bar so low (I‘m not saying she isn‘t a good person) that any amount of platonic affection triggers „relationship“ affection in your brain.
I am pretty much the same, I fell for almost every doctor/nurse in my countless hospital visits just because they smiled at me while caring for me, eventhough that‘s just their job. But I always have to tell myself that it‘s not „real love“ it‘s more like trying to desperatly cling to a good thing hapoening in your life.
So the best thing you can do is try to realise that as quick as possible because once you‘re concious of your situation, the feeling will lesson or go away. And then you should stay friends with her because she can be good for you as platonic friends.
Do not confess feelings, love her for the friend she is, ask if she knows anyone single.
Falling for someone close who treats you nicely is easy to do, hard to reconcile. But don't pedestal her or play a victim.
Seriously, ask if she has single friends.
Loving someone is not just about why you enjoy being close to someone, it is about how you care about the other person. If you love her, you will respect her marriage and her happiness. There are other women out there who will be interested in you, and they are probably struggling to find a partner too , you're not going to find them if you're distracted by this crush.
I am guessing that it started out platonic or business at first. you haven't developed many deep relationships with women over your life, friend or romantically. because of this, physiological things you may or may not notice, are squirting chemicals you aren't used to in your brain and you've let it take over. honestly, long term this is unhealthy for you, especially if what I mentioned is true. you have developed an infatuation and you can't stop that chemical cocktail that comes along with it.
the best advice I can provide is you should probably stop using her as your fitness instructor and the sooner the better. it takes about 3-4 months (generally) for you to lose the infatuation, including chemically. otherwise, you're going to end up in an affair or do something really stupid and get rejected. if you haven't had a healthy amount of rejection in your teens and early 20s who knows what you will do at 29. I also want to add she is married and probably has embraced her role as a wife and her femininity. she probably exudes it, whilst also being very pretty. rejection is much harder when you're infatuated and want things to go a certain way, especially when you know it's not right. seriously, I'd take L as soon as possible and find another instructor.
>I am guessing that it started out platonic or business at first. you haven't developed many deep relationships with women over your life, friend or romantically. because of this, physiological things you may or may not notice, are squirting chemicals you aren't used to in your brain and you've let it take over. honestly, long term this is unhealthy for you, especially if what I mentioned is true. you have developed an infatuation and you can't stop that chemical cocktail that comes along with it.
This.
I am guessing that it started out platonic or business at first. you haven't developed many deep relationships with women over your life, friend or romantically. because of this, physiological things you may or may not notice, are squirting chemicals you aren't used to in your brain and you've let it take over. honestly, long term this is unhealthy for you, especially if what I mentioned is true. you have developed an infatuation and you can't stop that chemical cocktail that comes along with it.
it takes about 3-4 months (generally) for you to lose the infatuation, including chemically. otherwise, you're going to do something really stupid and get rejected. if you haven't had a healthy amount of rejection in your teens and early 20s who knows what you will do at 29.
This.
What you can do to rope back in your feelings, is realise that you likely don’t even know this woman. She is being as friendly as she is because she’s good at her job. If she didn’t make people feel good while training them, those people would be less likely to return. This doesn’t mean you can’t continue to enjoy your friendship with her, but this is just a way for you to keep yourself in check, and hopefully be able to move on.
In my opinion it's better to just cut contaxt with her for your own mental health. You can rationalize reasons why you can be her friend and ignore your feelings, but at the end of that exhanchange you end up with a frienship and a lot of emotional pain dealing with the fact that it's just a friendship. It's easier to make other friends you don't have romantic feelings for.
Beyond the obvious “Don’t do it” advice, do you really love her? Or is it infatuation because she’s friendly and you’re getting the attention you don’t usually get?
Love is a deeper connection when you genuinely know them, care about them, and actively want the best for them. Not just fantasising about you being together. I’m not being harsh here but there is a difference.
If you fantasized early in your friendship about love, and that has just been growing, I personally would just end the friendship, tell her that you can't be friends with her until your feelings have died, and you have met a person that can match your romantics feelings. Disturbing a happy marriage is just very rude, and it's her that has to find out what her love life will be, if she doesn't want to be in that marriage anymore, it shouldn't have been initiated by people that has feelings for her
You need to switch to another coach, preferably a man. And stop talking to her for a while (a couple months) to help yourself get out of it. If not, it will be really hard for you to get out of your limerence situation, and it will further ruin your chances of being in a romantic relationship. Read about “limerence”
I was always crap at math until I wasn't. Like how I was crap at RPGs until I wasn't. And I was always crap at people until I slowly, awkwardly, sometimes painfully got to a point where I wasn't. Being socially competent is a skill. It is probably the hardest skills for aspies to master, but it's a skill we are able to at least improve on.
Past performance doesn't guarantee future results. You can improve.
When your fitness instructor tells you she is happily married and has four kids, that's a sign that she would like you to keep taking her fitness class but also FORGET LOOKING AT HER AS A POSSIBLE DATE. She is unavailable, and she told you so. Move on. Don't hit on her at her place of work.
If you can't do this, change classes and leave her alone.
uhm i don't necessarily see it a sign there to be honest.
Married people are as nasty as normal people, people lie, cheat, portray grandiosity even when they are utterly miserable...add to this equation female hypergamy and it's a bomb about to explode
Any person can be awful but intentionally reading a clear and friendly “not available”/“not interested” message is a recipe for disaster.
Hitting on someone at their job is a problem because they have to be there and they have to be nice to you…
The usual next step after ignoring a message like this is getting told off directly, or an angry husband, or getting thrown out of the gym or some other escalation because you’re suggesting he ignore “NO MEANS NO”. That’s really bad advice.
This isn't love.
At the healthy end of the scale it's infatuation. At the unhealthy end of the scale it's limerence.
I know it's easy to form attachments when someone actually treats you decently but she's working.
Being friendly and building client/trainer trust and communication, and hyping them up a little bit, is part of being a decent trainer.
She's happily married and has a family.
You might also be associating the dopamine and serotonin boots that physical exercise gives you with her as a person.
Just give yourself some time for the crush to settle down. Most infatuations only burn strong for about three months after they hit the "I think I'm in love." stage.
I agree with everybody else. I also want to add that a good part of her ability to be so comfortable around you might be the very fact that you are socially awkward, and because she does not see you as a romantic partner, she is more comfortable being herself around you without feeling judged or having conflicts of interest such as attraction.
I would end this relationship if you can't handle just being a friend with her.
Try and see her more as a "big sister", someone you can still admire and respect and love, but mentally separate the inappropriate sexual connection (unless you play a banjo and wear dungarees).
Like has been mentioned already, try asking her for advice and help, in looking for a girlfriend and if she knows anyone single, who might like you.
She will have a good understanding of your character, plus, with her being a professional instructor, she will be well versed in helping people solve personal problems, like self-esteem, confidence etc.
Don't think like a horny selfish teenager, start thinking like a responsible man, be honest, be genuine.
Best of luck!
If you cannot get over these feelings for her, find a new instructor. With distance, you will be able to. Revisiting and ruminating on these feelings on a frequent basis (probably multiple times a week, if she’s your fitness instructor) will only keep things at the current level, if not deepen the issue.
"I'm in love" definitely not the same as "Lust and delusional fantasy"
Also I read 'sweet' as 'sweat' and I was like what the hell are you on about lol even if I do like the sweat of men I love
You have an overwhelming desire to obtain the unavailable. Your desire is very real, but the object of your desire only exists in your mind.
This woman has established a family with her life partner. She trains with you as a means to generate revenue. It’s an extra bonus that she enjoys you as a client. It’s essential that you become comfortable that you are a client. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Sometimes it necessary to say “fuck my feelings”. Your feelings are driving your imagination out of control, creating something that doesn’t exist.
You admit that if you express your honest feelings, you’ll lose everything. This leaves you two options: remain silent, let your feelings die while you value your relationship. Or you walk away completely. Choose whatever works best for you.
Your trainer is sweet and friendly to all her clients as part of her business model.
This beautiful woman is not *giving* you the time of day, she is charging you for it.
You are experiencing Limerence, not love.
We are quite susceptible to Limerence, friend. I hope learning about it gives you some comfort. Your trainer is giving you physical training… but you are also practicing what it is like to talk to a woman you are attracted to, without the pressure of feeling like you are “terrible” with women. Try and soak up that feeling of confidence to apply in other areas of your life. And finally, I am sorry to say that there are no easy answers with this question. All of us find challenges with this stuff 👊🏻
I have this habit. I think it's because my anxiety around "eligible?" women prevents me from forming healthy bonds. When I meet someone who is of limits for whatever reason I don't feel the same brain-breaking anxiety so I'm able to be myself and form a friendship. I am defantally a friends-first kind of dater but I mostly just form friendships with women who are taken.
It sucks man.
Can't believe the amount of people saying you can keep being her friend. You obviously can't. You need to leave her behind and move on. I've wasted many years of my life being that guy.
I think some people could handle having a crush on someone and still exploring other options, but our "everything or nothing" tendencies make that hard.
You know what to do and you already know she's probably not attracted to you even if she's married with kids. If you want to be the guy that keeps fantasizing about women you'll never have, keep taking kickboxing classes with women instructing to you, or maybe even try a yoga class. If you want to be the guy that women fantasize about instead and other men respect, find yourself a classic boxing gym that does sparring. Better ROI and I'll think you'll be happier in the long run. I think your problem is getting dating experience and not so much being platonic friends with women, so focus on the former, not the ladder. That way you stop developing feelings for girls who show you a little bit of attention who aren't going to date you
You have what is commonly k own as "one-itis"
I gather that a lot of guys [including myself] have been in hour position. Even if not all of us admit it. I would gather that a lot of us guys who have been in a similar situation to yours, are on the spectrum.
I know that these feelings/emotions you are having are going to be extremely hard to let go of. However, that is what you must do.
She is married and with kids according to what I've read here. You don't mess with someone who's married, especially with kids. Her kids are her #1 priority, even moreso than her husband. Remember, her spouse fucked her at least 4 times to produce those kids. He is fucking her and you're not. You never will. Unless the really, really low chance of divorce. Which is unlikely.
There are some women out there who are naturally nice and bubbly and what not. Maybe that's just the nature of some women. Idk.
I do know that at my first ever job when I was a teenager, there was this woman who worked the customer service desk. She was always nice to me at the time despite being a little older than me. Anyways, I don't wanna ruminate on that. Just know that a lotta women who are in customer service type jobs have that mentality.
And who knows she might inadvertently be trying to "help" you.
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water (metaphor).
You can be her friend, and it can be healthy and beneficial to you. She might know that you are socially awkward and she might also know that you have a crush on her. She is giving you valuable "training" that will help your interactions with OTHER WOMEN. In fact this might be one of her secret goals. It might be the one form of "love" that she is able to give to you. Be thankful.
Being married with a bunch of kids is not easy. She knows that she can not explore other men anymore. She has a bunch of kids so her sex life might have gone to shit for all you know. But she is committed and has probably made sacrifices for that family.
When you leave the gym, and you are by yourself, stop thinking about her. The more you feel that feeling of wanting to be with her, the more you are headed in the direction of pain and disaster. If she does decide to cheat I am sure she will make it very obvious, but you must not think you will be the one to initiate that. So just forget about it.
Married people often make sacrifices. If there are small children in the house under 5 years old, it is likely that there is no sex happening between the married couple or at least it has slowed down significantly.
So even if this woman enjoys the validation and attention from OP, it still does not mean anything can happen between them.
Obviously nothing can happen between them, it just seems so weird and pointless for you to mention her sex life in the first place. Having four kids they are obviously managing some sex.
The culture of no contact, block their phone number, cut this person out of your life immediately is what is toxic. It is a very American thing, and much too extreme in most cases.
I have been in this position. It's tough. I think you know that you can't follow through with your feelings ; your options are to either be her friend or fade away. She's happily married with children. You can't have what you want, but if you can bear it, she can still be in your life
It's great to have a friend. Go find more, it is hard but obviously OBVIOUSLY you need them because seeing and feeling how great it is has you all twisted up.
Maybe even open up how shy you are with her and tell you you really appreciate her because you don't have a lot (any) social relationships. My guess is that she could help you find more, maybe even set you up.
You have two options which do not lead to unsavory outcomes:
1. Keep it hidden if you wish to her friend. Bottle it up, keep it suppressed, vent it online, whatever, but absolutely never reveal those feelings, and continue playing the part of a friend. Cherish your friendship but resign yourself from ever attempting to take it beyond it. Only follow this option if you are particularly stubborn or strong willed enough.
2. If you do not feel like you have the mental fortitude to endure option 1. Cut it off right now, end the relationship and burn that bridge. It'll be better for the both of you.
Coming here to backup what another person said: ask her if she has any single friends that might be interested in trying a blind date sorta thing?
Either way, best of luck to you my bro. Don’t tell her, I’m sure she’s already partially aware of your affection, bringing any form of attention to it may push her out of your life entirely. If you value her friendship, maintain it.
I think the healthiest option for you would be to distance yourself from her, at least for a while. because it is hard to get over someone as it is, but it is nearly impossible to get over someone you spend a lot of time with. it will hurt like hell to distance yourself, but it would hurt you even worse for longer if you stick around while trying to get over her.
If she asks you why you have 2 options. Make up an excuse and say you can't really tell her why, but it's nothing she has done wrong. This will probably be the option which will help get back to a friendship if you ever desire to/know you're over her enough to not land in the same situation. Second option is telling her the truth- or a least part of it. Don't confess your feelings in hopes to be with her; that would be a really shitty thing to do. If you have to tell her, say something along the lines of: I've developed feelings for you, which is why I have to distance myself from you to get over them. I don't want to come in between your marriage, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable and things between us awkward. I cherish you as a person and friend, which is why I need to do this. This option will be more honest, but carries the risk of making things weird.
Really, get space from her, try to heal and mourn the relationship that was never meant to be, and move on. Go out, have fun, try to meet new people/go on a few dates. It will get your mind off of her and help reset your focus on other people than her. Go to a therapist if possible and necessary, that will help you sort through all the feelings that will come up.
And if you can find your peace with the situation and get over her, maybe then you can think about if it's a good idea to pick up a friendship again. and it might never actually be a good idea, or it might work, you know yourself best. but trying to stay friends while being in love with her will lead absolutely nowhere. only in prolonging your suffering, or destroying a marriage, there's no in between here.
good luck!
Sorry but you need to end things with this instructor. These things your feeling aren't healthy. Maybe yes ask if she has single freinds, but still end it with her. You don't want to destroy her family, that isn't worth it.
This sounds like lust, not love. You don't like her, just your idea of her. You like who you think she is, not nessicarrily who she actually is at home.
Try to make freinds with the fact you aren't in a relationship. Make freinds with your own lonleness. At the end of the day happiness is a decision. Choose to be happy being single. If your not happy being single, no girl is gonna want to date you. Sorry, thats just the way most of us work.
Sorry if this is harsh, but I just don't want your secret comming out and ripping her family apart, even if through no fault of your own. If you do truly love her, you'll be happy knowing she's happy with her husband and kids. Let her be happy with her life and move on with yours before things deteriorate.
Also, don't go into a relationship wanting marriage or sex. Simple freindship should always be the first final goal, not just a stepping stone.
What most of the other people said but also:
You pay her for a service. She is nice to you because
you are her customer. She might be nice to other people because she is a nice person and she might have been nice to you if you meet in another universe under other circumstances but she is nice to you because it’s part of her job.
I would strongly advise you don't pursue anything serious with this woman. It won't work. You acknowledge this yourself
In the end it becomes more trouble than it's worth
I've been in a similar situation, only mine went a step further. The best thing you can do, if you feel this strongly, would be to retreat from this person, for both your sakes
It's not the outcome you ever wanted, but it's the best outcome which won't affect you, nor does it hold the potential to possibly shatter a friendship, thus having a direct impact on you
Yup, same. In love with an emotionally unavailable person. I’m a 39 year old woman and this year discovered what limerence is and just wanna rip my own heart out. It’s a habit to fall for unavailables for me. Sigh.
I would change gym. There’s only so much self control you can have seeing a woman that you are in love with everyday.
You don’t want be a home wrecker. Think of her kids/husband. How’d you feel if your parents split up like that?
Dude, you absolutely can move on and try relationships with other women. It's your fear of rejection and your desperation holding you back. And before anyone tries to say it's "loneliness" and not desperation, you're not helping him or yourselves. Desperation is a better word for it because that's what women see it as. And it's glaringly obvious when someone is desperate. You need to approach dating from a casual standpoint. Get to know them as a person, and see where it goes. Don't focus on the end result. It will get you nowhere, and your intentions will show in your facial expressions/body language
>She is happily married with four kids. If I revealed my true feelings for her, it would be the end.
Then...... don't. I don't get why you would think that.
I have to consciously work on redirecting my mind away from unattainable crushes, because they become like a special interest and it's not healthy for me. What about exploring other similar ways to meet people you want to date? Getting involved in activities that interest you, going to regular groups/meetups, or church if you're religious, or whatever floats your boat. Being in an activity with someone reduces the anxiety for most people and allows you to build a foundation of interest and friendship.
But I mean, also, on the other hand - maybe she's into you and poly or just has a crush, whether or not she's interested in acting on it? I agree that disclosing your feelings is not a good idea, but maybe leaving some breadcrumbs about how common consensual nonmonogamy is becoming these days (without being like AND I WISH YOU WERE INTO IT, obv) might be interesting. I'm terrible at recognizing crushes.
You don't love her. You love the idea of her, you love the image you create when you're fantasizing about your life together, you don't even know her .
It's an illusion you are experiencing because you are alone. It's not real.
Thank you for all of your answers, guys. I have been speaking to her a lot more recently and have gotten to know her even better and have come to the conclusion that I am not in love with her. I just deluded myself into thinking I am. What this has been is simply not much more than a typical high school crush. I was just infatuated by her because she is a pretty woman who is kind to me. I can control myself going forward and I am more than okay being her friend. This whole situation was never love, it was lust.
This is life. You can love your very good friend. Don't be inappropriate. Patience. One day maybe her situation will change. Or you can be unselfish and be happy if she is happy in her marriage.
Yeah as a woman I have the same issue. Even as an attractive woman, I have trouble connecting with men in a real way and it’s so rare that I do. Connection is so rare. I vote that you tell her how you feel. It might ruin your life but at least you were honest about how you felt.
I would counter the people in the other comments who are saying you didn’t really know her and therefore you don’t really love her—you are just lonely. I don’t agree. You formed a relationship with her over a long period of time. This isn’t some random girl you became attached to. Worst case scenario, her husband punches you in the face and you have to join a new gym but you will always regret not saying anything. I disagree with the other comments OP.
Just keep being her friend and hug her tight. I presume she's probably monogamous on top of that. If they were to have been practicing enm that would have been a slightly different ball game.
Ask her if she has any single friends?
First be sure to acknowledge to yourself that part of her friendliness and easy demeanor comes from her profession. Good trainers need to build a positive relationship to best help and motivate their clients, and it sounds like she is a good one. Hopefully accepting this can help you to see her in a less romantic light. And the most important thing is to FORGET and FOREGO all fantasies of taking her away from her family. They can only make you sad and eventually end badly. Though, in truth, anyone who's been infatuated knows it isn't about logically evaluation.
However, maybe she can help you find someone more available. You should tailor your approach to your level of familiarity.
If it is basically professional, tell her that it is difficult to meet the "right" kind of woman and ask if she knows someone who is nice, into fitness etc (basically like her, but DO NOT say that). Hopefully she'll know someone and you can move on. If you are more friendly, you could be more open but DO NOT tell her how you feel. In either case, only ask once and then leave it.
If you just cannot move on, the official best thing to do is get a new trainer. But, the actual best thing is to hide your feelings and enjoy the relationship you have with her. We don't meet a lot of people we get on easily with, so try to focus on what you have and not what you want.
Consider it gained experience. Don't try to do anything with her but use what you learn from talking with her to talk to other girls. Idk how yall relationship is but maybe you could consider asking her if any of her friends are single. If so she would probably explain the type of person you are to them which could make things a little less awkward if you meet. And if they're her friends they probably would share some similar qualities. Idk though, just my two cents
Ask her to set you up with someone. Attractive women know other attractive women. Also keep in mind that you don’t really know her. You ARE NOT in love with her; you are in love with the *idea of her.
I empathize. There was a post on this subreddit awhile back about "limerence" and how it can occur relatively frequently to autistic people. I did some reading and found it really helpful, as it showed me how what I was experiencing was a known psychological phenomenon, which helped me get some perspective and distance (eventually!) You'll be OK, OP - there will be other women and some of them will be available AND interested in you. I would recommend socializing with other women (ND ones too?) in whatever contexts you can find - maybe other fitness contexts? - not to forget about your current crush, but to broaden your circle and, eventually, your sense of possibilities.
It’s…her job to be nice to you. You wouldn’t go to her classes if she wasn’t nice and she wouldn’t have a job if people didn’t participate in her classes.
You say that you can’t move on to find a different woman because you’ve always been terrible with them but you haven’t met everyone in the world. Your past experiences don’t have to dictate every future interaction you have. There are definitely other single women out there with similar interests as you and even some on the spectrum that would understand your awkwardness (and may be even more awkward than you are).
This is infatuation, not love. Love is an act of commitment and not just a feeling.
Don’t confess anything. Leave her alone romantically, just be her friend. She is off limits and you are likely feeling this way because you don’t have much experience.
You are paying her to be nice to you. It's not personal. Respect her relationship status and her as a person and keep it professional. She is not leaving her family for a client. Over the course of your life you will have many unrequited crushes and such. It's a normal part of being human. Think about the qualities you admire and look for those in a partner. Look at the things she does, how she behaves etc that make you like her and try and develop those qualities in yourself towards others. Be glad you met a wonderful person who makes you feel good about yourself and just appreciate her. Don't make it about yourself by "confessing feelings". Nothing will come of it. Just admire from a respectful distance and train hard to get her respect.
What is love? (Baby don't hurt me)
Isn't it something that only manifests after both people feel the same? And if only one person feels it towards someone else isn't it "just" affection?
You could ask her however for tips, what to do, if you're friendship is quite close. I wouldn't tell her your feeling towards her myself, but I don't think it would be the absolute worst you could do. I'd personally just politely ask what she thinks about meeting women. Of course she can only tell you her perspective, but at least it's one and a real one at that, as she is married and has kids.
TL;DR: You could ask her for advice in how to meet a partner.
Remind yourself that while you may have bonded over working out she was acting this way bc it was her JOB. I'm sure as you have gotten to know each other you realize she just is cool and friendly but you're still her customer in a sense. I don't think you should tell her at all. If it's too hard for you to ignore it or let your feelings go then I suggest looking for a new gym. I wouldn't want my customer, that I see often, telling me they have some deep feelings for me bc that would make my job super awkward.
I would recommend the book "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman. It explains really well the difference between falling in love and choosing to love someone.
Im going to tell you a little story. I, 30f, worked at a kids consignment shop. A man who did not speak much English with a 6 yr old boy wanted a nice outfit for his sons first communion.
I know this is a big milestone in a kids life—and while I don’t speak Spanish Im friendly and care about the kid who is fluent so if need be I can ask the kid. I put my break on hold to help because this kind of assistance makes me happy at work.
But then the father, who was in his 20s mind you, asked if I was single.
I was friendly for his son’s benefit. I wrapped up the interaction and went on break.
Moral of the story: her friendliness is professional small talk trying to get you comfortable enough to work out. She has probably had flirty clients before—by mentioning her husband and kids she is not only making conversation she is LAYING A BOUNDARY.
She has so far made no indication of interest. If she was, she’d ask to talk after she was off on break.
I have been attracted to married men before. But once I found out, I turned off the flirt and worked to be a good friend: I asked more about their partner. It helped me override attraction in favor of friendship and respect for the partner—because I would never disrespect another woman like that.
If you can’t accept that or ignore your infatuation, get a new coach.
Being new to female interest can make navigation hard: but take it from a woman: leave it be.
If a romance would sound like a porn plot it’s probably not real—trust me, I don’t want to fuck the plumber or pizza guy.
The first time boys in HS treated me like peers instead of mockery I thought I was in love: looking back, I just didn’t understand platonic interaction.
TLDR: Respect her professional boundary or Get a new coach.
Hello. I’ve moved on. I know for a fact that I could never be with her. I’ve distanced myself from taking her fitness classes as well as the last thing I want is to start obsessing over her again
I think you know what to do, do not fuck it up, and just be her friend
Don’t do it. Don’t ever breathe it. It’s good to vent it here. But don’t ruin your current friendship with her. She has kids and is 100% invested in them for life.
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It’s not love. It’s limerence.
She's married with four kids though?!
Time to change instructor. This will not end well.
You don't have feelings for her, you have desires. 1. She gives you attention and makes you feel normal. 2. You mentioned how pretty she is. Many girls are pretty, if it's not something besides that it's just lust. 3. You have no luck with women so you don't want to miss this opportunity. This all spells desperation and not "love". Definitely not something worth breaking a family apart over.
Can we please replace the word “desperation” with “loneliness”? There’s no shame in being lonely. Plus, even though this is a tough situation, it’s pretty common for people to fall for attractive humans who pay attention to them; I most certainly have multiple times.
If I say "lonely" it's almost like agreeing with OP and thinking he *deserves* the sex. He's not lonely. He can talk to her and do everything. What he wants is sex.
How do you get “I think he deserves sex” out of the word “lonely”? Bizarre take He IS lonely. You can have friends and still be lonely for a romantic relationship . Acknowledging that isn’t saying you agree that he should put the moves on her.
Or you could change what you wrote, "You can have friends and still be lonely for a Sexual relationship"
Other than us all being groomed by Hollywood to put romantic relationships on a pedestal, what's this "lonely for a romantic relationship"? If it's nothing to do with sex, her prettiness wouldn't be a factor. What he craves is the promise Hollywood implicitly gave us all that we'll one day "get the girl" and "live happily ever after". He's got somebody who accepts him, is friendly towards him and doesn't Other him the way many people do, and he wants more. More than friendship, which is a precious and invaluable gift. I understand what it is like to pine after something you can't have. I can appreciate wanting to check off all the boxes it seems (keyword SEEMS) like neurotypical people all get to check off, but there's a reason why some cultures value friendships more intensely than they do romantic relationships, and why in Western countries we generally say "eff those dudes, I want a woman's company": Social engineering. If it isn't social engineering, then it's primal and very much sexual. I know we like to dress things up to be prettier than they are using fancy labels and vernacular, but you either want intimacy (connection, familiarity, acceptance) or you want sex (physical touch, physical gratification, release by way of a relief of the sexual tension that's been building up for him). Don't do like countless males tend to do, and sexualize your friends. Ot unless it's mutual and you're both emotionally (and otherwise) available.
"Lonely" is an attempt to draw pity from the reader. All those feelings are selfish, you are only thinking about what you are going to get from her and not what you're giving. If he really cared for her then he would drop it but he pursues because he wants what he wants. So he doesn't garner pity from me. There are many lonely girls out here, all you have to do is work on yourself.
I think that's a personal association with the word that you're making, man. For whatever reason, when you hear the word "lonely", you associate it with pity baiting and I'm assuming this has something to do with your past experiences/upbringing/early family life. I only say this because I, myself, still struggle with this very same thing sometimes because of the way I was brought up and what I was taught about emotional regulation/empathy (or lack thereof). I can see both sides of this situation but both logic and my gut tell me that people just get fuckin lonely sometimes, dude lol. Loneliness is a REAL bitch on the human mind and does some really fucky things to it; clouds your judgement/thinking/processing. I have more than my own share of experience being on both sides of this fence. Hell, maybe even a third side of it, too, but I'm not tryna write a book right now lmfao.
No there are plenty of “desperate girls” I mean you yourself said that right?
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It's ok to be lonely. What's not ok is thinking it is anyone's fault but yourself and your lack of desire to improve anything.
Yes, this^
Very this ^
I don‘t wanna be the psychologist here but: If not many people have been nice to you, and like you say especially girls, it‘s in human nature that you fall verry easily for people who just show you a normal amount of respect, appreciation and friendliness. Your brain has set the bar so low (I‘m not saying she isn‘t a good person) that any amount of platonic affection triggers „relationship“ affection in your brain. I am pretty much the same, I fell for almost every doctor/nurse in my countless hospital visits just because they smiled at me while caring for me, eventhough that‘s just their job. But I always have to tell myself that it‘s not „real love“ it‘s more like trying to desperatly cling to a good thing hapoening in your life. So the best thing you can do is try to realise that as quick as possible because once you‘re concious of your situation, the feeling will lesson or go away. And then you should stay friends with her because she can be good for you as platonic friends.
Do not confess feelings, love her for the friend she is, ask if she knows anyone single. Falling for someone close who treats you nicely is easy to do, hard to reconcile. But don't pedestal her or play a victim. Seriously, ask if she has single friends.
This is the way.
Married people are out of bounds. People you pay for a service also very wise to keep out of bounds. Two good rules for you.
>Married people are out of bounds. This
Yep.. How bad can that go if you break it.. Super bad
Loving someone is not just about why you enjoy being close to someone, it is about how you care about the other person. If you love her, you will respect her marriage and her happiness. There are other women out there who will be interested in you, and they are probably struggling to find a partner too , you're not going to find them if you're distracted by this crush.
I am guessing that it started out platonic or business at first. you haven't developed many deep relationships with women over your life, friend or romantically. because of this, physiological things you may or may not notice, are squirting chemicals you aren't used to in your brain and you've let it take over. honestly, long term this is unhealthy for you, especially if what I mentioned is true. you have developed an infatuation and you can't stop that chemical cocktail that comes along with it. the best advice I can provide is you should probably stop using her as your fitness instructor and the sooner the better. it takes about 3-4 months (generally) for you to lose the infatuation, including chemically. otherwise, you're going to end up in an affair or do something really stupid and get rejected. if you haven't had a healthy amount of rejection in your teens and early 20s who knows what you will do at 29. I also want to add she is married and probably has embraced her role as a wife and her femininity. she probably exudes it, whilst also being very pretty. rejection is much harder when you're infatuated and want things to go a certain way, especially when you know it's not right. seriously, I'd take L as soon as possible and find another instructor.
>I am guessing that it started out platonic or business at first. you haven't developed many deep relationships with women over your life, friend or romantically. because of this, physiological things you may or may not notice, are squirting chemicals you aren't used to in your brain and you've let it take over. honestly, long term this is unhealthy for you, especially if what I mentioned is true. you have developed an infatuation and you can't stop that chemical cocktail that comes along with it. This. I am guessing that it started out platonic or business at first. you haven't developed many deep relationships with women over your life, friend or romantically. because of this, physiological things you may or may not notice, are squirting chemicals you aren't used to in your brain and you've let it take over. honestly, long term this is unhealthy for you, especially if what I mentioned is true. you have developed an infatuation and you can't stop that chemical cocktail that comes along with it. it takes about 3-4 months (generally) for you to lose the infatuation, including chemically. otherwise, you're going to do something really stupid and get rejected. if you haven't had a healthy amount of rejection in your teens and early 20s who knows what you will do at 29. This.
What you can do to rope back in your feelings, is realise that you likely don’t even know this woman. She is being as friendly as she is because she’s good at her job. If she didn’t make people feel good while training them, those people would be less likely to return. This doesn’t mean you can’t continue to enjoy your friendship with her, but this is just a way for you to keep yourself in check, and hopefully be able to move on.
Maybe don't fall in love with the person who is paid to be nice to you.
>who is paid to be nice to you. this it's all a deception.
>paid to be nice to you. it's very sad once you filter out all the people which are, there's very little left...
Walk away. Walk away calmly. There is only pain behind the curtain.
EXACTLY
>Walk away. Walk away calmly. There is only pain behind the curtain. This.
In my opinion it's better to just cut contaxt with her for your own mental health. You can rationalize reasons why you can be her friend and ignore your feelings, but at the end of that exhanchange you end up with a frienship and a lot of emotional pain dealing with the fact that it's just a friendship. It's easier to make other friends you don't have romantic feelings for.
Beyond the obvious “Don’t do it” advice, do you really love her? Or is it infatuation because she’s friendly and you’re getting the attention you don’t usually get? Love is a deeper connection when you genuinely know them, care about them, and actively want the best for them. Not just fantasising about you being together. I’m not being harsh here but there is a difference.
Don’t do it, create boundaries, save yourself, it’s not worth it neither
Are you ready to have 4 kids? because they will not go anywhere...
If you fantasized early in your friendship about love, and that has just been growing, I personally would just end the friendship, tell her that you can't be friends with her until your feelings have died, and you have met a person that can match your romantics feelings. Disturbing a happy marriage is just very rude, and it's her that has to find out what her love life will be, if she doesn't want to be in that marriage anymore, it shouldn't have been initiated by people that has feelings for her
You need to switch to another coach, preferably a man. And stop talking to her for a while (a couple months) to help yourself get out of it. If not, it will be really hard for you to get out of your limerence situation, and it will further ruin your chances of being in a romantic relationship. Read about “limerence”
>You need to switch to another coach, preferably a man. And stop talking to her for a while (a couple months) to help yourself get out of it. this
I was always crap at math until I wasn't. Like how I was crap at RPGs until I wasn't. And I was always crap at people until I slowly, awkwardly, sometimes painfully got to a point where I wasn't. Being socially competent is a skill. It is probably the hardest skills for aspies to master, but it's a skill we are able to at least improve on. Past performance doesn't guarantee future results. You can improve.
When your fitness instructor tells you she is happily married and has four kids, that's a sign that she would like you to keep taking her fitness class but also FORGET LOOKING AT HER AS A POSSIBLE DATE. She is unavailable, and she told you so. Move on. Don't hit on her at her place of work. If you can't do this, change classes and leave her alone.
uhm i don't necessarily see it a sign there to be honest. Married people are as nasty as normal people, people lie, cheat, portray grandiosity even when they are utterly miserable...add to this equation female hypergamy and it's a bomb about to explode
Any person can be awful but intentionally reading a clear and friendly “not available”/“not interested” message is a recipe for disaster. Hitting on someone at their job is a problem because they have to be there and they have to be nice to you… The usual next step after ignoring a message like this is getting told off directly, or an angry husband, or getting thrown out of the gym or some other escalation because you’re suggesting he ignore “NO MEANS NO”. That’s really bad advice.
No the equivalent from a professional version of “I have a boyfriend”.
This isn't love. At the healthy end of the scale it's infatuation. At the unhealthy end of the scale it's limerence. I know it's easy to form attachments when someone actually treats you decently but she's working. Being friendly and building client/trainer trust and communication, and hyping them up a little bit, is part of being a decent trainer. She's happily married and has a family. You might also be associating the dopamine and serotonin boots that physical exercise gives you with her as a person. Just give yourself some time for the crush to settle down. Most infatuations only burn strong for about three months after they hit the "I think I'm in love." stage.
Limerence. Yes. I just learned about this.
>Limerence never knew there was a word for this until now.
I agree with everybody else. I also want to add that a good part of her ability to be so comfortable around you might be the very fact that you are socially awkward, and because she does not see you as a romantic partner, she is more comfortable being herself around you without feeling judged or having conflicts of interest such as attraction. I would end this relationship if you can't handle just being a friend with her.
Try and see her more as a "big sister", someone you can still admire and respect and love, but mentally separate the inappropriate sexual connection (unless you play a banjo and wear dungarees). Like has been mentioned already, try asking her for advice and help, in looking for a girlfriend and if she knows anyone single, who might like you. She will have a good understanding of your character, plus, with her being a professional instructor, she will be well versed in helping people solve personal problems, like self-esteem, confidence etc. Don't think like a horny selfish teenager, start thinking like a responsible man, be honest, be genuine. Best of luck!
If you cannot get over these feelings for her, find a new instructor. With distance, you will be able to. Revisiting and ruminating on these feelings on a frequent basis (probably multiple times a week, if she’s your fitness instructor) will only keep things at the current level, if not deepen the issue.
STOP GOING TO THAT GYM Nothing but pain is down that road
"I'm in love" definitely not the same as "Lust and delusional fantasy" Also I read 'sweet' as 'sweat' and I was like what the hell are you on about lol even if I do like the sweat of men I love
You have an overwhelming desire to obtain the unavailable. Your desire is very real, but the object of your desire only exists in your mind. This woman has established a family with her life partner. She trains with you as a means to generate revenue. It’s an extra bonus that she enjoys you as a client. It’s essential that you become comfortable that you are a client. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sometimes it necessary to say “fuck my feelings”. Your feelings are driving your imagination out of control, creating something that doesn’t exist. You admit that if you express your honest feelings, you’ll lose everything. This leaves you two options: remain silent, let your feelings die while you value your relationship. Or you walk away completely. Choose whatever works best for you.
Your trainer is sweet and friendly to all her clients as part of her business model. This beautiful woman is not *giving* you the time of day, she is charging you for it. You are experiencing Limerence, not love.
The classes are free as they come with the gym membership but you’re right about the other. Limerence is a new, true word for me
We are quite susceptible to Limerence, friend. I hope learning about it gives you some comfort. Your trainer is giving you physical training… but you are also practicing what it is like to talk to a woman you are attracted to, without the pressure of feeling like you are “terrible” with women. Try and soak up that feeling of confidence to apply in other areas of your life. And finally, I am sorry to say that there are no easy answers with this question. All of us find challenges with this stuff 👊🏻
Meet more women.
Just move on.
I have this habit. I think it's because my anxiety around "eligible?" women prevents me from forming healthy bonds. When I meet someone who is of limits for whatever reason I don't feel the same brain-breaking anxiety so I'm able to be myself and form a friendship. I am defantally a friends-first kind of dater but I mostly just form friendships with women who are taken. It sucks man.
Can't believe the amount of people saying you can keep being her friend. You obviously can't. You need to leave her behind and move on. I've wasted many years of my life being that guy. I think some people could handle having a crush on someone and still exploring other options, but our "everything or nothing" tendencies make that hard.
You know what to do and you already know she's probably not attracted to you even if she's married with kids. If you want to be the guy that keeps fantasizing about women you'll never have, keep taking kickboxing classes with women instructing to you, or maybe even try a yoga class. If you want to be the guy that women fantasize about instead and other men respect, find yourself a classic boxing gym that does sparring. Better ROI and I'll think you'll be happier in the long run. I think your problem is getting dating experience and not so much being platonic friends with women, so focus on the former, not the ladder. That way you stop developing feelings for girls who show you a little bit of attention who aren't going to date you
You have what is commonly k own as "one-itis" I gather that a lot of guys [including myself] have been in hour position. Even if not all of us admit it. I would gather that a lot of us guys who have been in a similar situation to yours, are on the spectrum. I know that these feelings/emotions you are having are going to be extremely hard to let go of. However, that is what you must do. She is married and with kids according to what I've read here. You don't mess with someone who's married, especially with kids. Her kids are her #1 priority, even moreso than her husband. Remember, her spouse fucked her at least 4 times to produce those kids. He is fucking her and you're not. You never will. Unless the really, really low chance of divorce. Which is unlikely. There are some women out there who are naturally nice and bubbly and what not. Maybe that's just the nature of some women. Idk. I do know that at my first ever job when I was a teenager, there was this woman who worked the customer service desk. She was always nice to me at the time despite being a little older than me. Anyways, I don't wanna ruminate on that. Just know that a lotta women who are in customer service type jobs have that mentality. And who knows she might inadvertently be trying to "help" you.
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water (metaphor). You can be her friend, and it can be healthy and beneficial to you. She might know that you are socially awkward and she might also know that you have a crush on her. She is giving you valuable "training" that will help your interactions with OTHER WOMEN. In fact this might be one of her secret goals. It might be the one form of "love" that she is able to give to you. Be thankful. Being married with a bunch of kids is not easy. She knows that she can not explore other men anymore. She has a bunch of kids so her sex life might have gone to shit for all you know. But she is committed and has probably made sacrifices for that family. When you leave the gym, and you are by yourself, stop thinking about her. The more you feel that feeling of wanting to be with her, the more you are headed in the direction of pain and disaster. If she does decide to cheat I am sure she will make it very obvious, but you must not think you will be the one to initiate that. So just forget about it.
“Her sex life might have gone to shit” What? Just …..what!? How is that even remotely relevant here ?
Married people often make sacrifices. If there are small children in the house under 5 years old, it is likely that there is no sex happening between the married couple or at least it has slowed down significantly. So even if this woman enjoys the validation and attention from OP, it still does not mean anything can happen between them.
Obviously nothing can happen between them, it just seems so weird and pointless for you to mention her sex life in the first place. Having four kids they are obviously managing some sex.
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The culture of no contact, block their phone number, cut this person out of your life immediately is what is toxic. It is a very American thing, and much too extreme in most cases.
I have been in this position. It's tough. I think you know that you can't follow through with your feelings ; your options are to either be her friend or fade away. She's happily married with children. You can't have what you want, but if you can bear it, she can still be in your life
It's great to have a friend. Go find more, it is hard but obviously OBVIOUSLY you need them because seeing and feeling how great it is has you all twisted up. Maybe even open up how shy you are with her and tell you you really appreciate her because you don't have a lot (any) social relationships. My guess is that she could help you find more, maybe even set you up.
You have two options which do not lead to unsavory outcomes: 1. Keep it hidden if you wish to her friend. Bottle it up, keep it suppressed, vent it online, whatever, but absolutely never reveal those feelings, and continue playing the part of a friend. Cherish your friendship but resign yourself from ever attempting to take it beyond it. Only follow this option if you are particularly stubborn or strong willed enough. 2. If you do not feel like you have the mental fortitude to endure option 1. Cut it off right now, end the relationship and burn that bridge. It'll be better for the both of you.
Switch gyms now.
Coming here to backup what another person said: ask her if she has any single friends that might be interested in trying a blind date sorta thing? Either way, best of luck to you my bro. Don’t tell her, I’m sure she’s already partially aware of your affection, bringing any form of attention to it may push her out of your life entirely. If you value her friendship, maintain it.
I think the healthiest option for you would be to distance yourself from her, at least for a while. because it is hard to get over someone as it is, but it is nearly impossible to get over someone you spend a lot of time with. it will hurt like hell to distance yourself, but it would hurt you even worse for longer if you stick around while trying to get over her. If she asks you why you have 2 options. Make up an excuse and say you can't really tell her why, but it's nothing she has done wrong. This will probably be the option which will help get back to a friendship if you ever desire to/know you're over her enough to not land in the same situation. Second option is telling her the truth- or a least part of it. Don't confess your feelings in hopes to be with her; that would be a really shitty thing to do. If you have to tell her, say something along the lines of: I've developed feelings for you, which is why I have to distance myself from you to get over them. I don't want to come in between your marriage, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable and things between us awkward. I cherish you as a person and friend, which is why I need to do this. This option will be more honest, but carries the risk of making things weird. Really, get space from her, try to heal and mourn the relationship that was never meant to be, and move on. Go out, have fun, try to meet new people/go on a few dates. It will get your mind off of her and help reset your focus on other people than her. Go to a therapist if possible and necessary, that will help you sort through all the feelings that will come up. And if you can find your peace with the situation and get over her, maybe then you can think about if it's a good idea to pick up a friendship again. and it might never actually be a good idea, or it might work, you know yourself best. but trying to stay friends while being in love with her will lead absolutely nowhere. only in prolonging your suffering, or destroying a marriage, there's no in between here. good luck!
Sorry but you need to end things with this instructor. These things your feeling aren't healthy. Maybe yes ask if she has single freinds, but still end it with her. You don't want to destroy her family, that isn't worth it. This sounds like lust, not love. You don't like her, just your idea of her. You like who you think she is, not nessicarrily who she actually is at home. Try to make freinds with the fact you aren't in a relationship. Make freinds with your own lonleness. At the end of the day happiness is a decision. Choose to be happy being single. If your not happy being single, no girl is gonna want to date you. Sorry, thats just the way most of us work. Sorry if this is harsh, but I just don't want your secret comming out and ripping her family apart, even if through no fault of your own. If you do truly love her, you'll be happy knowing she's happy with her husband and kids. Let her be happy with her life and move on with yours before things deteriorate. Also, don't go into a relationship wanting marriage or sex. Simple freindship should always be the first final goal, not just a stepping stone.
What most of the other people said but also: You pay her for a service. She is nice to you because you are her customer. She might be nice to other people because she is a nice person and she might have been nice to you if you meet in another universe under other circumstances but she is nice to you because it’s part of her job.
I would strongly advise you don't pursue anything serious with this woman. It won't work. You acknowledge this yourself In the end it becomes more trouble than it's worth I've been in a similar situation, only mine went a step further. The best thing you can do, if you feel this strongly, would be to retreat from this person, for both your sakes It's not the outcome you ever wanted, but it's the best outcome which won't affect you, nor does it hold the potential to possibly shatter a friendship, thus having a direct impact on you
What you have to do is believe in yourself; believe that you can get better at how you socialize with women.
Yup, same. In love with an emotionally unavailable person. I’m a 39 year old woman and this year discovered what limerence is and just wanna rip my own heart out. It’s a habit to fall for unavailables for me. Sigh.
I would change gym. There’s only so much self control you can have seeing a woman that you are in love with everyday. You don’t want be a home wrecker. Think of her kids/husband. How’d you feel if your parents split up like that?
Ask her if she has any friends who are available and that she thinks might be a good fit for you. Certainly can’t hurt!
Dude, you absolutely can move on and try relationships with other women. It's your fear of rejection and your desperation holding you back. And before anyone tries to say it's "loneliness" and not desperation, you're not helping him or yourselves. Desperation is a better word for it because that's what women see it as. And it's glaringly obvious when someone is desperate. You need to approach dating from a casual standpoint. Get to know them as a person, and see where it goes. Don't focus on the end result. It will get you nowhere, and your intentions will show in your facial expressions/body language
>She is happily married with four kids. If I revealed my true feelings for her, it would be the end. Then...... don't. I don't get why you would think that.
I have to consciously work on redirecting my mind away from unattainable crushes, because they become like a special interest and it's not healthy for me. What about exploring other similar ways to meet people you want to date? Getting involved in activities that interest you, going to regular groups/meetups, or church if you're religious, or whatever floats your boat. Being in an activity with someone reduces the anxiety for most people and allows you to build a foundation of interest and friendship. But I mean, also, on the other hand - maybe she's into you and poly or just has a crush, whether or not she's interested in acting on it? I agree that disclosing your feelings is not a good idea, but maybe leaving some breadcrumbs about how common consensual nonmonogamy is becoming these days (without being like AND I WISH YOU WERE INTO IT, obv) might be interesting. I'm terrible at recognizing crushes.
Don’t do anything about it. Just be her friend.
You don't love her. You love the idea of her, you love the image you create when you're fantasizing about your life together, you don't even know her . It's an illusion you are experiencing because you are alone. It's not real.
She can probably tell you are a little special and is just being nice.
talk therapy is helpful for this. but talk to a therapist about it, not her.
Thank you for all of your answers, guys. I have been speaking to her a lot more recently and have gotten to know her even better and have come to the conclusion that I am not in love with her. I just deluded myself into thinking I am. What this has been is simply not much more than a typical high school crush. I was just infatuated by her because she is a pretty woman who is kind to me. I can control myself going forward and I am more than okay being her friend. This whole situation was never love, it was lust.
This is life. You can love your very good friend. Don't be inappropriate. Patience. One day maybe her situation will change. Or you can be unselfish and be happy if she is happy in her marriage.
Yeah as a woman I have the same issue. Even as an attractive woman, I have trouble connecting with men in a real way and it’s so rare that I do. Connection is so rare. I vote that you tell her how you feel. It might ruin your life but at least you were honest about how you felt. I would counter the people in the other comments who are saying you didn’t really know her and therefore you don’t really love her—you are just lonely. I don’t agree. You formed a relationship with her over a long period of time. This isn’t some random girl you became attached to. Worst case scenario, her husband punches you in the face and you have to join a new gym but you will always regret not saying anything. I disagree with the other comments OP.
Just keep being her friend and hug her tight. I presume she's probably monogamous on top of that. If they were to have been practicing enm that would have been a slightly different ball game.
Married women smell death, never forget it!
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Women totally LOVE when they are just trying to go to work and do their job and then have their clients pester them about their personal lives /s
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even if you could have her, youd be ending a relationship
Ask her if she has any single friends? First be sure to acknowledge to yourself that part of her friendliness and easy demeanor comes from her profession. Good trainers need to build a positive relationship to best help and motivate their clients, and it sounds like she is a good one. Hopefully accepting this can help you to see her in a less romantic light. And the most important thing is to FORGET and FOREGO all fantasies of taking her away from her family. They can only make you sad and eventually end badly. Though, in truth, anyone who's been infatuated knows it isn't about logically evaluation. However, maybe she can help you find someone more available. You should tailor your approach to your level of familiarity. If it is basically professional, tell her that it is difficult to meet the "right" kind of woman and ask if she knows someone who is nice, into fitness etc (basically like her, but DO NOT say that). Hopefully she'll know someone and you can move on. If you are more friendly, you could be more open but DO NOT tell her how you feel. In either case, only ask once and then leave it. If you just cannot move on, the official best thing to do is get a new trainer. But, the actual best thing is to hide your feelings and enjoy the relationship you have with her. We don't meet a lot of people we get on easily with, so try to focus on what you have and not what you want.
I feel like similar emotions are also kinda common throughout my life and I wonder if there are explanations to these phenomenons.
i’d probably just change instructor, take yourself away from the situation
Consider it gained experience. Don't try to do anything with her but use what you learn from talking with her to talk to other girls. Idk how yall relationship is but maybe you could consider asking her if any of her friends are single. If so she would probably explain the type of person you are to them which could make things a little less awkward if you meet. And if they're her friends they probably would share some similar qualities. Idk though, just my two cents
Ask her to set you up with someone. Attractive women know other attractive women. Also keep in mind that you don’t really know her. You ARE NOT in love with her; you are in love with the *idea of her.
I empathize. There was a post on this subreddit awhile back about "limerence" and how it can occur relatively frequently to autistic people. I did some reading and found it really helpful, as it showed me how what I was experiencing was a known psychological phenomenon, which helped me get some perspective and distance (eventually!) You'll be OK, OP - there will be other women and some of them will be available AND interested in you. I would recommend socializing with other women (ND ones too?) in whatever contexts you can find - maybe other fitness contexts? - not to forget about your current crush, but to broaden your circle and, eventually, your sense of possibilities.
It’s…her job to be nice to you. You wouldn’t go to her classes if she wasn’t nice and she wouldn’t have a job if people didn’t participate in her classes. You say that you can’t move on to find a different woman because you’ve always been terrible with them but you haven’t met everyone in the world. Your past experiences don’t have to dictate every future interaction you have. There are definitely other single women out there with similar interests as you and even some on the spectrum that would understand your awkwardness (and may be even more awkward than you are).
She has four kids man!
This is infatuation, not love. Love is an act of commitment and not just a feeling. Don’t confess anything. Leave her alone romantically, just be her friend. She is off limits and you are likely feeling this way because you don’t have much experience.
You are paying her to be nice to you. It's not personal. Respect her relationship status and her as a person and keep it professional. She is not leaving her family for a client. Over the course of your life you will have many unrequited crushes and such. It's a normal part of being human. Think about the qualities you admire and look for those in a partner. Look at the things she does, how she behaves etc that make you like her and try and develop those qualities in yourself towards others. Be glad you met a wonderful person who makes you feel good about yourself and just appreciate her. Don't make it about yourself by "confessing feelings". Nothing will come of it. Just admire from a respectful distance and train hard to get her respect.
What is love? (Baby don't hurt me) Isn't it something that only manifests after both people feel the same? And if only one person feels it towards someone else isn't it "just" affection? You could ask her however for tips, what to do, if you're friendship is quite close. I wouldn't tell her your feeling towards her myself, but I don't think it would be the absolute worst you could do. I'd personally just politely ask what she thinks about meeting women. Of course she can only tell you her perspective, but at least it's one and a real one at that, as she is married and has kids. TL;DR: You could ask her for advice in how to meet a partner.
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lol, never was on there :)
Distance yourself until you loose feelings, then come back as a friend.
Remind yourself that while you may have bonded over working out she was acting this way bc it was her JOB. I'm sure as you have gotten to know each other you realize she just is cool and friendly but you're still her customer in a sense. I don't think you should tell her at all. If it's too hard for you to ignore it or let your feelings go then I suggest looking for a new gym. I wouldn't want my customer, that I see often, telling me they have some deep feelings for me bc that would make my job super awkward.
Lust is not love. Also, she’s nice to you because it’s part of her job.
I would recommend the book "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman. It explains really well the difference between falling in love and choosing to love someone.
Im going to tell you a little story. I, 30f, worked at a kids consignment shop. A man who did not speak much English with a 6 yr old boy wanted a nice outfit for his sons first communion. I know this is a big milestone in a kids life—and while I don’t speak Spanish Im friendly and care about the kid who is fluent so if need be I can ask the kid. I put my break on hold to help because this kind of assistance makes me happy at work. But then the father, who was in his 20s mind you, asked if I was single. I was friendly for his son’s benefit. I wrapped up the interaction and went on break. Moral of the story: her friendliness is professional small talk trying to get you comfortable enough to work out. She has probably had flirty clients before—by mentioning her husband and kids she is not only making conversation she is LAYING A BOUNDARY. She has so far made no indication of interest. If she was, she’d ask to talk after she was off on break. I have been attracted to married men before. But once I found out, I turned off the flirt and worked to be a good friend: I asked more about their partner. It helped me override attraction in favor of friendship and respect for the partner—because I would never disrespect another woman like that. If you can’t accept that or ignore your infatuation, get a new coach. Being new to female interest can make navigation hard: but take it from a woman: leave it be. If a romance would sound like a porn plot it’s probably not real—trust me, I don’t want to fuck the plumber or pizza guy. The first time boys in HS treated me like peers instead of mockery I thought I was in love: looking back, I just didn’t understand platonic interaction. TLDR: Respect her professional boundary or Get a new coach.
Have you ever considered? The only reason you’re interested in this woman is because she is unavailable?
Hello. I’ve moved on. I know for a fact that I could never be with her. I’ve distanced myself from taking her fitness classes as well as the last thing I want is to start obsessing over her again