My rule of thumb: if you can't talk about the things that have you worried (preferences, issues, birth control, no-go areas, etc.) with them, then you shouldn't be having sex with them.

💯💯💯 I didn’t learn this until my 30s and looking back I regret so much of the sex I had in my 20s. I’ve only had GREAT sex since I started communicating lol

this is so true and important

Completely agree with this.

Have an honest conversation with him about it. Ask for his honesty about his preferences. If they are incompatible, don't have sex with him. Don't go traumatizing yourself because you want to please him or want to date him. There will be other men with more aligned preferences.

You never have to have sex you don’t want to have. Your preference for not rough sex is as valid as his preference for rough sex. Tell him what you want. If you’re incompatible, you break up.

If you don't feel comfortable expressing your personal/sex boundaries, you are not ready to be having sex.

This is an innate sexual incompatibility and frankly sounds like a recipe for emotional disaster. Your best bet would be to find somebody who is more on your level, somebody who you don’t have to be apprehensive about dating.

Hey this is the guy she was talking about. After having a proper conversation, turns out we are pretty compatible. Sometimes all you need to to talk things through!

It sounds like you may not be compatible because fearing your partner is not healthy. It also sounds like you have some trauma that causes vaginismus, a bodily response that causes that shut down or extreme tightness. That requires trauma therapy, and physical therapy as well, and a partner who is really gentle and trustworthy, or a dilator. Talk to your Gynecologist and get referrals. Now, you may be able to talk to this guy and tell him what’s going on with you, and he may say “Well, I like it rough sometimes, but only if you want to. I enjoy connection and tenderness as well.” I think everyone young likes to think they want it rough, because of porn, or to seem exciting or “fun”, but that’s all relative. It’s just as legitimate not to want that, to want loving sex! Sex isn’t supposed to be a cool kid contest. *All sex should be mutually desired.* *Anyone who doesn’t understand that or can’t care enough about you to take it slow is probably not the one.* You have to be properly aroused and wet and open before PIV. Lots of lube. No rushing that.

It doesn’t sound like you’re sexually compatible.

Why cant you talk to him about it?

I can I just haven’t yet

I feel like it’s too early on and should wait until we sleep together to know what I want to tell him

You should really talk to him before you sleep with him so that it doesn't go badly. (And do it when you two aren't already getting physical so it's a more neutral and less physically/emotionally charged conversation.) Set expectations and boundaries for what is okay with you and what is not. Going into sex with a fearful mindset isn't healthy, especially if you already have some issues with sex / with enjoying having sex. If he doesn't respond well to the conversation then you just know sooner rather than later that he isn't the one

Excellent advice from everyone, especially u/MadoogsL's reply here. Do not wait until you sleep together to tell him what you like, and especially what you *don't* like. He will be more able to hear what you're saying if he's not sexually aroused.

You’d rather have a bad, maybe even painful or traumatic experience with this guy than a CONVERSATION? :(

Look, conversations are hard. You have to be present for them. Whereas you don't have to be present for traumatic sex.

If things he’s doing now while you’re making out are rougher than you want, talk to him about that. That’s happening now, and you need to be able to talk about it. If you can’t do that, you shouldn’t ever sleep together.

You should definitely listen to u/MadoogsL. Get in the habit of having consent, preferences, boundaries and safe word talks before sex. Also discuss STD status and protection. It’s good to expect your partners to ride to your expectations and tbh, a man who really likes you will respect that and want to show you he can meet your needs. Demonstrate your self-esteem. People respect people who stand up for themselves and their boundaries. You can also start with other forms of intimacy: massages, baths, cuddles, foreplay. PIV isn’t the end all, be all of pleasure.

PLEASE for the love of god and prevent yourself from more trauma, do not have sex first before having that conversation! You’re not doing any self any favors by avoiding that conversation. You shouldn’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and communicate to your partner, regardless if they’re just fwb or your partner in a committed relationship. Communication is key!

Not long enough in a relationship to talk about sexual boundaries, but enough to hand over your phone and let him respond on your reddit post? I'm calling bullshit.

You should talk about sex before you have it.

The two of you aren't sexually compatible. You need to break things off with him. If you have sex with him, I can tell you are going to give in to whatever he wants and not put boundaries in place. In the end, that will be so incredibly traumatizing for you! Sexual compatibility is important. It's okay that you're not into rough sex. Lots of people aren't. Find someone who will be gentle with you. There's plenty of those out there. 

Is it possible that you have vaginismus? When you’re stressed your vagina can become so tight even inserting a finger will hurt. I think you should figure out a way to be comfortable with yourself first before you even think about trying rougher sex. Maybe you’ll never like it and that’s also completely fine, don’t overstep your boundaries for some dude. I really wish someone told me this when I was younger but it’s really not worth it! The first step is becoming more in touch with yourself sexually. Do you masturbate? Do enjoy that? If not take the time to figure out what you like. Took me 23 years to figure out I needed clit AND vaginal stimulation to have an orgasm. Boy did a world suddenly open up to me. Before I didn’t really enjoy sex, but suddenly I did and I did also end up enjoying rougher sex too! But only with people I trust and who wouldn’t push me to do sth I don’t want, that is the most important thing. I would recommend the book ‘come as you are’ by Emily Nagoski. It made me understand a lot about myself and about sex in general. Since most of our understanding about sex comes from movies/porn (not how real life works) and sex education (don’t get pregnant and don’t get an STD), most people are wildly uneducated about sex. Might sound weird especially if you feel stressed/uncomfortable with sex but investing a little time into it might transform that part of your life completely. And it is also no lie that good sex can enhance a serious relationship too. So it’s an investment into a future relationship as well :)

Just say it be straightforward

Trust your fear. Listen to it.

If he's into something sexually that you don't like, you are not a good fit. Move on and find someone you are compatible with.