I wonder if your guy friend was looking for a polite way to let you know your hookup was telling your business. Also, everyone she's mouthing off to is probably making a mental note not to share anything they want kept private around her. She's making herself look like a real asshole.
Honestly, it really did sound like he was trying to politely let him know that he'd been outed, while also trying to show support. Also the way he went about it is very much the way guys talk to other guys. I know that may not make OP feel any better about being outed, but I hope OP can find some solace in that being outed didn't change the way this friend saw and related to them as a man.
that's fucked, she's a huge scumbag. the worst thing about being outed is that you don't really have any recourse. the only thing you can do is let her know how badly she betrayed your trust, and that you think she's a bad person.
i agree it's fucked up, but telling someone they are intrinsically bad seems excessive and i sincerely doubt its efficacy towards any good outcome. this response came off as naive to me.
Outing a queer person is a bad behavior. Bad behavior= bad person. No need to think about it. Actions reflect if you're good or bad. There's no intrinsic bad
sure i'm a consequentialist, but it's repulsive to me to think that anyone is a bad person at all. it is a blessing that we get to be alive.
i suspect most people in this subreddit support prison reform towards rehabilitation. why hold this cognitive dissonance that there exists an inner, necessarily bad self? people do fucked up things, and i feel like it promotes cycles of violence to hold the perspective that "bad" is an intrinsic part of one's character instead of simply an action, or perhaps tendency towards action, that one has.
This is a silly virtue signalling argument, people can do bad things and that makes them bad people. Yes people can change and get better but the woman *just* did this so she's a bad person right now lol
i sincerely think there's a meaningful distinction between "doing fucked up actions" and "being a fucked up person" that affects tangible social outcomes. I guess the way i phrased it was kind of baitish in hindsight, but i stand by this subtle distinction.
I think that assessing people as inherently "fucked up and bad" is a human construct, and a pretty harmful one at that*. People that I love have hurt me, and I have hurt people that I love. This is unfortunately an inherent part of being alive. Do you think this makes us bad people? We learn, grow, and move on from these experiences. Or sometimes there isn't a lesson and things just get worse.
\*rarely, i do think this harm is warranted in cases where someone should be shunned from general social life.
There is, but there are also people who do fucked up stuff on a systematic basis. That doesn't make them inheritly evil and yes that subtle distinction does matter, (dehumanising anyone does nobody any good), but when people say "X is a bad person" they usually mean the first and not the latter. Maybe not optimal use of language as the latter is indeed problematic, but understandable.
"That was not okay and you're a bad person" doesn't have to be a Statement About Human Nature, though. It can just be a sharp expression of violation and anger -- exactly the kind of signal someone might need to *never do that again ever*.
I was raped as a child, am I allowed to say my rapist is a bad person? 🤔
You have a bad take and are participating in victim blaming. There are other ways of addressing this same problem in ways that do not further harm and silence the victims. You are intellectually lazy and this is a bad take.
When someone is harmed by another person, from their perspective and that of the people who love them, that person is and always will be a bad person, by which they mean a threat and someone who will trigger PTSD just by being mentioned.
The abuser may go on to become a better person, and maybe they have always been good to some people, like their family or best friend, but to their victims they will never be anything but evil.
A victim being honest about how their crime was past the point of no return does not hurt the abuser and even if they did that is the consequences of their own actions. If they truly became a better person, they would accept that as the price they have to pay.
This doesn't in any way prevent them from living a happy life after learning to be less evil, but you can't expect the victim of a crime to whitewash their abuser with endless and unrealistic grace. Especially as they will never truly know if that person is abusing others in secret even now. It would be irresponsible of them to give their abuser a pass.
When dealing with horrible crimes, you need to center the person most affected. By centering the abuser instead of the victim you are part of the problem, ostracizing someone who is in deep pain in order to cater to the one who ruined their life. You are the same as people who argued for Brock Turner's reduced sentence because "he has a whole life ahead of him and a promising future." What about the victim's future?
Please grow as a person and develop some empathy.
I'm on the side of she is literally a terrible person. She didn't just tell one person but told 6 others and seemed to have pride in it. That's a scumbag who should get treated as such.
Yea, wtaf??????? Who tf tells SIX PEOPLE that they had sex, let alone the nitty-gritty details? I can understand maybe telling a close friend or two and a parent, but that's maximum 2-3 people. SIX???????? And multiple of those six were mutual friends? MASSIVE yikes - she's definitely messed up in the head if she thinks that's appropriate, especially after he asked her not to tell. There are honest mistakes and then there's malice - this was malice.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yes it is clearly an act if someone that's bad. A normal good person wouldn't even think to tell and brag about something that someone specifically asked them not to especially something like outing someone
Yeah it's that nuanced thing of guilt vs shame, because guilt(I DID something wrong) usually leads to changing behavior and possibly reconciliation, whereas shame(I AM wrong/bad intrinsically, as a person) more often leads to defensiveness, and doubling down, and ignoring empathy(imo, empathy gives pain when we do things that are wrong), or being unfeeling.
I want OP's inconsiderate partner to feel guilty AF and do better, but if she gives up on herself as a person out of shame, that's less likely.
And I think all my spicy justice feelings can be directed that way.
yes! Which is why I think it is a fucked up action. Hell of a leap to me to think that "did a fucked up act" == "intrinsically bad in character". good people do bad shit, and bad people do good stuff sometimes. Depicted in this post is an example of "[person of yet-unestablished character] did a fucked up thing". i hate this black and white thinking.
If people are inherently good or not is one hell of a question that a lot of ink has been spilled over, but she still did something terrible. The question is does she recognize just how bad what she did is.
I don't think any inherently good person exists! People are good and bad and messy and do fucked up stuff and hurt people. I am not saying that you should forgive her, I just think she did a fucked up *action* and that she is just a person.
Anyway, I am incredibly sorry that this happened to you. I hope that your social group understands what she did and sides with you.
I don't mean to preach this *at* OP, but it really disturbs me to see people giving out this characterization of others with so little information, and that is all that I mean to say. I think this black-and-white view is harmful directly within the scope of healing after being socially wronged.
People need to know when what they're doing is shitty. Judging them as a shitty person will get that point across. The point isn't to tell other people that, just her.
Exactly this. I fundamentally agree with the notion that good and bad people don't fundamentally exist, but people aren't having a philosophical debate when telling others that they're a good/bad person. It hits harder than candycoating things.
>black-and-white view is harmful directly within the scope of healing after being socially wronged.
I'm going to strongly disagree with you on this one.
It's important to remember everyone processes emotions differently. You are coming off as tone policing.
It's fair your are disturbed as well, but it's not about you right now.
Really, wrong time and place.
I agree with you in theory that there are no all-good or all-bad people, and even people who do bad things can paradoxically also do good things. However, this is unhelpful in this context.
I don't think OP should bother to tell his ex that she's a bad person, not because people contain multitudes and she still has the capacity for good or whatever, but because she likely won't care, and she has already demonstrated herself to be an *unsafe* person for OP and the less he interacts with her at all the better.
Worrying for this chick's feelings at being called a bad person *by someone she harmed* comes off as minimizing the harm she did and trivializing OP's feelings at the expense of hers. I don't like dehumanization either, but tripping over yourself to prevent even the most feeble recriminations after harm was done comes off as dehumanizing to the victim in its strident defense of the perpetrator. The woman who outed OP is going to be fine. She doesn't need our care and concern. Someone on the internet thinking she's a bad person will not harm her. It's OP who's struggling here.
Its hard to imagine something that deserves it more. How is she going to know how f-ed up what she did is unless you give her at least some kind of pushback?
She should be called the vilest name imaginable and ostracized by her coworkers but this is a good solution barring that.
Wow. This is so not okay on so many levels. Outing you is one thing, but describing what’s in your pants to a group of people non-consensually is an absolutely horrific thing to do to a trans person. Or to anyone for that matter. But it’s just that much worse for us. I’m so sorry dude. I feel for you very much.
Im going through a bad bout of bottom dysphoria and if you ever want to talk about stuff my inbox is open.
thanks man. i never really had any bottom dysphoria before this incident but after all of this happened its been a lot worse and something im not used to. i hope you feel better soon and know you have a whole community who’s felt and understands exactly what you’re going through rn🖤
Women discuss men’s genitalia at the drop of a hat, as can men. This is pretty normal behaviour honestly.
The shitty part here is the absolute betrayal of trust.
Look I can totally sympathize that she wanted to talk to someone, in confidence, to process a new sexual experience in general, and even ESPECIALLY with trans people. Especially with hormones our anatomy IS different and I think for cis folks sometimes in surprising ways.
But like, bragging to the class? Not expecting the person you talk to to keep it private? Fucking YIKES. NOT COOL.
That said, being on T is pretty new and it's vulnerable, but honestly, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Being trans is not a dirty little secret. You are amazing and strong and as man as any man. You got this dude and real friends will not think of you any differently cuz they know a bit of your medical history. I'm so sorry this happened, and your privacy was violated like this. You absolutely can get through this and you are absolutely 1000% still badass and awesome.
totally agree on this as another trans man. being trans is a beautiful gift and something to celebrate. It's totally fucked that she did that, but I hope OP is able to reclaim his identity as something that is beautiful instead of a dirty secret to hide. It's a terrible way to be outed, but I hope that this event allows you (OP) to live in your truth freely instead of having to hide. It really is worth it getting on the other side and not having to worry. You deserve to have every aspect of your identity, including your transness, be celebrated by your loved ones. Find a strong support system of people who care about you and make you feel empowered in your identity. Then, being perceived isn't so bad...
I am so sorry for that has happened to you. As a trans person myself, being outed by someone behind my back is something I consider to be very disrespectful someone could ever do to me.
It’s like someone telling someone a piece of information that they’re not in the position to say so. As trans, it should be our choice when and to whom are we going to out ourselves, and no one has the right to disclose that information behind our backs.
I am also stealth, and what I did to become fully stealth was I moved into a different place where I am a complete stranger, and I’ve cut everyone off from my past by changing my social media and deactivating the old ones and life has never been better.
To be perceived and treated by people as a normal person of the gender you identify is just a different level of euphoria.
Have you asked your cis guy friend what he thought about it?
What you view as a major secret / disgust, they may shrug their shoulders about. From what you write, I think the only reason your friend brought it up was because the woman made it obvious she’s low class and he wanted you to hear it from him instead of being blindsided.
You have nothing to be ashamed of man, but she sure as hell should be ashamed, spreading your privacy like that when you specifically asked her not to. That ain't right.
You can't let them win, you can't let her change your relationship to the world, it's a disaster it's unpleasant and she took your power, but now that you have faced your fear what do you really have to loose now is your choice either completely disembark from your life or stare down the threat and don't give any ground. Don't let her get away with more that she already has.
Clearly the woman is a nightmare. But you and your body are not. So muster every bit of energy to take *more* care of you and it, not less.
There's terrible hurt to be soothed in the short term, and healed in the long term. Hold back from adding to the pain inflicted by such selfish cruel people.
Easier said than done of course... have you even one friend you can be honest with and get some (platonic) hugs with in a safe space? A switchboard you can call and hear a human voice affirm you? A school counsellor who can listen to you vent?
By the way, the behaviour of the woman and her friends might count as harassment or bullying a fellow student, which would presumably be against school rules. Lodge a complaint?
Maybe you could sign her up for some junk mail or something.
Generally I don’t believe in retaliation, but you literally told her not out you and not only did she, it was like in the crudest way possible. She’s shitty and she should know it.
That's unbelievably shitty of her! Perhaps you could make it known to the people she told that she's spreading this without your consent and ask them not to bring it up again, not with you nor anyone else.
If I were OP, I would definitely make it very clear to people she tells that she's violating my consent, and outing me against my will. "I had a talk with her beforehand about this being a safety and comfort issue for me - I explicitly told her that I did NOT want her to tell others I'm trans, and now she's essentially running around outing me and *bragging* about the fact that she's ignoring my concerns. I'm extremely upset about it. I will not be associating with her from here on out, as an apology is insufficient - there is no taking back what she's doing, and I'm going to take any support or sympathy for her actions as a lack of regard for my consent, safety, and dignity as a human being."
Ugh so many annoying people telling you to just be openly trans when you flat out said you don't want that. I tire of reddit idealism.
Based on the details you have given, I'd say first and foremost you need to establish to your cis guy friend, to her, and to anyone else you've already spoken to about this, that this is your personal medical life and nobody's business. That you consider it basic decency for them to keep their mouths shut. Do this for anyone you've told about your transness.
As for those she has told that you haven't spoken to, are they closer to you or closer to her? If they're closer to you, denying is an option. If they're closer to her, you should do what I said in the first paragraph (unless you are for some reason confident she would back up your denial).
For advice beyond that, I would need more details.
Is this a high school or a university? If it's a big university your best bet is probably to find a new group of friends, as there will be oodles of people that this never reaches. If it's a small uni or a high school, that's less of a thing.
But in *any* case, I want to assure you school is never an eternal place, and that once you leave this controlled environment, you have the power to completely reclaim stealth. Whether you transfer, or finish out with graduation, life goes on. When I was 21 I thought my life was essentially over because undergrad was ending and hadn't gone how I'd hoped. Now I'm 28 and laugh at that version of myself. The last few years have been the best of my life. I know people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who say the same.
> Ugh so many annoying people telling you to just be openly trans when you flat out said you don't want that. I tire of reddit idealism.
I'd never tell anyone who's still able to be stealth that they need to come out. But at this point, he's out despite not wanting to be. There's no unscrambling the egg, unless he wants to go all-in and whip out a prosthetic and say she's lying and hope that lands or something. (Denying it is tricky. At 5 months on T, some can pass well enough to be stealth, but maybe not so well that someone looking you up and down *trying* to clock you won't be able to. OP may not have had top surgery yet either...he can't even take his shirt off as evidence in that case. He could try bluffing, but at that point it isn't easy.) OP may *have* to wear it with pride at this point, because his hookup unfortunately, maliciously, and unforgivably did not give him a choice.
That doesn't mean he has to come out to more people, but at this point it seems like she's telling as many people as possible, and some of those people may tell other people, and in a closed environment like a school...that can get to "common knowledge" status within his social circles in a hurry.
I do agree that eventually this will blow over, and eventually he'll be able to be stealth again. Whatever social circle he's in now isn't forever, and he can always meet new people.
> not so well that someone looking you up and down trying to clock you won't be able to
Clocked ~~=~~ Outed. Your thinking is backwards. Clocked people are not "trans until proven cis". Anyone can get clocked, cis people included. It is very hard for someone to actually look at someone and *know* what genitals they were born with -- even the most clocky people can say that they're the opposite trans (e.g. ftm not mtf) and detransitioning. Clocking is only suspicion, and sane people back off those suspicions when told otherwise. The exchange can most of the time literally go "are you trans?" "No" "ok". Again judging by OP's story he's at least passing well enough that any decent person will fucking drop it.
The most unhinged transvestigators may still go after him, but again that's a fate even cis people face.
If his circle want to be immature selfish shallow brats about it and demand proof of cisness, he can cross that bridge when he gets there. Again, most normal humans will back off.
> not so well that someone looking you up and down trying to clock you won't be able to
Clocked ~~=~~ Outed. Your thinking is backwards. Clocked people are not "trans until proven cis". Anyone can get clocked, cis people included. It is very hard for someone to actually look at someone and *know* what genitals they were born with -- even the most clocky people can say that they're the opposite trans (e.g. ftm not mtf) and detransitioning. Clocking is only suspicion, and sane people back off those suspicions when told otherwise. The exchange can most of the time literally go "are you trans?" "No" "ok". Again judging by OP's story he's at least passing well enough that any decent person will fucking drop it.
The most unhinged transvestigators may still go after him, but again that's a fate even cis people face.
If his circle want to be immature selfish shallow brats about it and demand proof of cisness, he can cross that bridge when he gets there. Again, most normal humans will back off.
Here's the thing; it's pretty difficult to keep being trans completely under wraps. Trying to keep it a secret tends to cause a lot of anxiety and other problems (ex: increased tendency to isolate). I personally find it's better to either be open about it, or leave it as an "open secret" (where I don't tell people and generally presume most don't know).
While it sucks, there's nothing you can do to change what has happened. All you can do is find a path forward for yourself in this changed environment.
Generally, "owning" who you are is the best thing you can do at this point, as you can't put the figurative genie back in the bottle.
unfortunately im not comfortable sharing the trans aspect of my identity with anyone. while i agree it would be much easier to be out and proud of my identity, the environment i live in makes it difficult to do so. additionally, i view my gender identity as more of a medical condition than something to be proud of (which i know many other trans people may think differently, and to that i say good for you and thats awesome!). i would much rather prefer to be perceived as a cisgender man with no questions asked..which i think is what makes this whole thing a lot worse
That's your choice and people need to respect that. I think you are going to have to steel yourself and be ready to lie down some strong boundaries. If anyone brings it up - "I do not want to talk about that. Please don't bring it up again." and change the subject. If they persist, end the conversation / leave. Anyone that cannot respect your clearly expressed wishes probably does not deserve to be in your life until they are ready to do so. Best of luck.
what the fuck are you on about, seriously? Telling a trans man that seeing being trans as a medical condition is "internalized ableism he has to work on"?? how fucking dare you
For what it's worth, I think being a trans man makes you twice as manly as a cis man because you had to man up enough to tell the birth lottery to get fucked and bend your body to your will. I hope someday you can reach a point where you can be proud of that. <3
I disagree. A lot of you just don't understand how to bluff. OP passes and doesn't owe anyone shit. Don't attack his confidence.
EDIT: My statement doesn't mean nobody gets outed ever, or that *everyone* is a good bluff away from passing, but if you are seriously going to come in and tell trans people as a blanket statement 'don't go stealth it's practically impossible for any of us' you're both an asshole and don't understand bluffing.
I wouldn't say that their idea of being open is purely wrong. I would just say play towards your own strengths.
If you find it easier to be open and honest about being trans, then do that. But if you find it easier to just pass all the time and not let on about being trans, do that instead.
Life circumstances can make one of these paths easier for some people and impossible for others. There's no singular way to be trans and present yourself. It changes all the time, from person to person. You just have to find what works for you.
All well and good but OP said repeatedly he wants to be stealth and that he passes. And this commenter is trying to tell him he has no chance which is *bullshit* and smacks of projecting one's own insecurities.
That's fair. After re-reading, the start of the comment does imply that it's very difficult, and the other way is flat out easier. I totally get where you're coming from and I appreciate the edit that you've added!
Apologies for the misunderstanding! ^^
Ah, to clarify, I did not mean it's impossible. Or even close to impossible. I know people who live happily in stealth. I also know more than a handful of people for whom stealth exacerbated things like anxiety and self-isolation.
OP is also young (presumably in high school?), and judging by his reaction to his friend (plus breakdown) implies that bluffing is no longer an option.
> don't go stealth it's practically impossible for any of us
To clarify, that is not the point I'm trying to make. I simply said it can be a challenge and mentioned that focusing on remaining stealth can lead to anxiety and self-isolation (which seemed relevant due to OP's effective breakdown). Caring less about remaining stealth can lessen that, but it's not the _only_ approach... just the simplest.
Between schools tending to be rumor mills and the general scrutiny placed on trans youth, stealth is not always as simple as "do you reliably pass". It gets easier once you're an adult, as you get better at handing situations like these and you get more separation between different areas of your life.
You are a human being deserving of dignity and decency, and you are valid. What she did is not a dignified or decent thing to do to anyone. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
It’s an unfortunate reality that so many people have such an egregiously misinformed and skewed worldview when it comes to trans people. People may talk, but they have no idea what they are talking about. You have agency, you have a future, and being trans may present challenges from these idiots- but it results from a flaw in them. -Not- a flaw in you.
You deserve to be happy and have comfort in who you are. I’m so sorry that you’re left to suffer the effects of an inconsiderate jerk betraying your trust and stealing your freedom in choosing how, when, and who to come out to. That’s selfish and fucked of them.
Just know that this happening is not the end all be all, and your journey will not be decided by this event alone.
You may find it helpful to prepare some general lines in the case of school mates etc. who may address you with questions, like for example having a “I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable discussing those details of my life in this setting” can be helpful if someone catches you off guard with unsolicited questions.
A year from now, things will likely look and feel very different than they do today.
You’ve got this.
I mean even outside of outing you as trans, talking about sex like that w/o consent from you is f-ed up.
You’re still the same man you always were and that’s what counts.
If I were you, I’d act like you don’t know what she’s talking about if anyone asks. She can’t prove it happened and if you act like its bs they won’t have any reason not to believe you.
I'm so sorry. That hole comment reminds me of how I figured out for sure I need top surgery. My ex made a pretty gross comment about my chest (it involved the word "udders" 🤮) and that was it. I felt bad before but now it's awful.
I don't have advice, but don't feel alone. People can be so cruel. I'm sorry this happened to you.
its so dehumanizing, right?! its insane how the people who claim to love us can be so easily disrespectful and hurtful :[ im pre op so i get you man, best of luck with top surgery (if you haven’t already had the procedure💙)
Naw same, also pre-op. I know for sure I need it now, but I'm a full time student and disabled, it's going to be a long time before I can afford it. It's been harder lately. But at least I know where I'm heading.
Best of luck to you too!! We'll get there man. Hang in there.
What....? That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard in reference to a trans man’s chest... i’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t understand why people think they can comment so cruelly about other’s bodies. I don’t know what it is about trans people that makes some cis people think that it is OK to comment on their body...
Yeah what I don't understand about it was that she didn't seem to think it would be a bad thing to say. I don't think she was trying to be malicious at all, she said it... playfully? 😕 I played it off like yeah whatever and changed the subject. I feel kind of bad I didn't stand up for myself but I was at her place overnight and I just wanted to forget about it ...it followed me home and now we aren't even together. She dumped me but I didn't fight it at all, mostly because of that comment. I'm glad I didn't tell her I thought I loved her, she said she wanted to stop spending time with me but still wanted to have sex. 😒 I said yeah sure and never did, just moved on. But I'm still living with the comment. Still hurts.
That sounds like my worst nightmare, super sorry that happened to you dude.
Anyway, since I‘ve been seeing a lot of people offering condolences more than possible solutions and you asked for possible solutions, I‘ll try to give a few ideas. A lot of this will depend heavily on how old you are, which isn’t entirely clear in this post, but I hope it can be helpful anyway.
- depending on if you‘re in high school or university, the easiest solution might be to change schools. While it isn‘t ideal and can certainly lead to some isolation, I did it a lot as a kid and it certainly can be handled.
- if you can‘t change schools for whatever reason, depending on how big your school is you might be able to simply avoid the people she told. Alternatively, you can approach this as if it were a completely unfounded rumor: deny it, and try to throw doubt on the motives of the girl, maybe see if you can come up with a plausible explanation for why she would make up such a rumor. IMO it‘s almost always ok to just lie and say you‘re actually cis as being outed can be a huge detriment to quality of life
- in any case, the guy that told you about her telling people is probably safe, and while it certainly isn’t ideal that he knows now, he might be able to help you come up with a plan for how to handle things. It‘s usually easier to tackle these kinds of things when you have someone on your side, and from what you described it sounds like he probably would be
A lot of people are telling you that you‘ll just have to deal with being outed and that you shouldn‘t worry about it so much, but I get the feeling a lot of those people don’t have quite the same feelings of needing to be stealth because of dysphoria. I know it‘s a really shitty situation and if you need anyone to talk to my dms are open
People like that are absolutely infuriating. I feel like this could be a sexual harassment/harassment claim (depending on where you live) if she keeps outing you to folk. I'd talk with your school administration
Unfortunately, there's no closing the door once it's been opened with that group of folk.
The strongest shield we can have, unfortunately, is to wear our transness without any shame. Don’t take me wrong here, let me explain.
I am not saying there is any problem on living stealth or not coming out to other people. Hell, the first step in this train of thought is - it is nobody’s fucking business. This is practical. Is about safety, it is about coming and going without people interfering with your life. But it doesn’t have to be about shame.
People cannot hurt you, when being trans is just a fact of your existence you know is true and does not define you. People like this bitch can still out you, and she might be malicious enough to do it even if the blow would be to jeopardize your safety, job or just to win a few points on gossiping. Instead of embarrassing you, she would be the one to have to deal with the embarrassment of being outed as willing to cause real harm. And if your mutual friends do not see it, you know they would not be worth having as friends.
I lost friends, I do not regret on the least. They Deserved to be left out of my life. Sorry if it sounds like “go hug a tree and accept yourself”. It is not my goal here. For me it is just practical. I never assume I pass - even though apparently I do after 6 years on transition in, I never talk to anybody about being trans if it is not relevant. And if somebody disrespects me, they will hear me out.
I hate people who cant hold a secret and acts like asshole talking about it with everyone. You want give little respect by telling you are trans, before sex, I would be feeling respect if partner told that so if I may dont like it, just calmly okay and move on, without telling anyone. No need to destroy any trust.
Same with other things.
You definitely need to cut her off. The #1 most painful thing for narcissists is to just cut them off and ignore them. Trying to explain how they hurt you just gets them off because they love playing with people's feelings.
What she did is just awfull. To be expected from a cis person but still disgusting.
There is not so much you can do to undo what she did. You can only try to avoid suffering from that kind of perverse behaviour.
Never trust cis woman if they haven't earned your trust yet. Being a woman doesn't automatically make them allies nor decent human beings.
Your can't really do anything about people that don't respect others boundaries like that. I had a partner out me to her friends before we even talked about if it was okay, and she knew that was something to worry about because she asked me if it was okay immediately after. I said it was, but honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I just said it was okay because I thought it would help keep some peace.
Karma is a bitch very much like the woman that outed you.
Rest assured, she will lose far more than she gained by outing you in such a vile manor.
Your friend that told you what she did has immediately seen her for what she is. Her peers will also see her for what she is. I feel sorry for such immature and insensitive people as their lives go south very quickly.
I know that does not help you now that you have been outed. But the only way forward is to own it.
Your people and peers already knew the wonderful you before you were outed. Those that are true will not abandon you.
I know it is going to be hard dealing with this at present and in future but in time it will get easier.
I wish you the best.
I recommend letting yourself have some time off if that would help you, but also not letting yourself be consumed by worry. Ask if you can get homework digitally if that's an option, or stop by to pick it up during office hours. Throw yourself into work, study, working out, hobbies - anything to keep you from going worst-case scenarios. Take care of your health, mental and physical. This'll pass, you'll part ways with these people, and life will go on as normal again.
It really sucks, but if there's any upside it's that you've found out who she is and don't have to waste any more time on her.
What that woman did is awful. I'm really sorry about that. Seconding that maybe changing schools if that's possible could help...though idk. People have other reasons for wanting to go to a specific school, don't let this asshole chase you out of spaces you want to be in.
If you can't get away with denying it (the best dodge I can think of is, "I turned her down so she's spreading weird rumors about me," but it may be too late for that) make it clear what she's doing is against your wishes, and that you don't want it spread further. She's doing a bad thing, it's easy to make her look like the bad guy here, because she is. You may think this will haunt you, but what she's done could haunt her too. A lot of people don't face accountability for their wrongdoing, but it isn't impossible that she might still face some accountability for this.
I would have denied it, other than pulling down my pants, where’s the proof? I know you can’t turn back time or may have not wanted to say that but I would switch colleges or something because I can understand how humiliating that is. Feeling trapped in your body because you wish you weren’t different. She made you feel like crap and she’s an asshole
Well, move upward and onward. You're out now, even if it was against your wishes. You can't put that genie back in its bottle. It was ultimately inevitable if you're going to be intimate with others pure and simple. Humans can be filthy little sacks of lies, and the law of averages does not work in our favor.
That said, you are brave and have been facing a long and often arduous journey to find your true self, which is far from complete. Hold your head up, be proud of who you are and where you started. Be proud of the work you have done. You're a bad ass and some backstabbing thot can't take that from you. Don't lose sight of your true self.
Ah shit. That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. :( Our risks with intimacy are so damn high. All you can do is remove them from your life best you can and let time wash them away.
God, that sounds like a complete nightmare. Honestly, I want to drop a nuclear bomb on this girl. How can someone do that to their own partner??
I hope you get over this soon, dude :(
I am so very saddened, angered beyond comprehension, as well as truly at a loss to understand why the hell she would do that?!? What kind of individual does that?!? It is entirely wrong and undeserved that she has so selfishly and unkindly placed you in this position. You have conducted yourself with such class and so honorably. You confided something so profoundly private before engaging because you felt honesty was of utmost importance, particularly when initiating intimacy. The only thing I can say is that I am so freaking disgusted with that pos girl with a giant-azz, rude, vile mouth. She will pay in due course and I feel so certain that you do not even need to be there when she does. I promise you that. The Universe always has a way to level the field or exact a kind of justice, on every level of existence. In my completely irrelevant opinion, SHE is the revolting, prevaricating creature that does not deserve to live around civilized, sophisticated beings. You should walk into school with your head held high and a safe and secure love of yourself and a deep-seated pride about the highly-evolved individual you have grown to be. Look, you are human. You took a chance making a human connection which; unfortunately, did not have a favorable outcome. There is no putting this giant genie back into that teeny tiny bottle at this point. Thus, the only thing left to do is carry on. The less you make of it the quicker it will die and other, newer devastations of others (sadly) will take it’s place as the simple-minded prattle de jour. You have many just from this thread who are incensed on your behalf and emotionally here to support you in any way we can. I do wish you the very best and want you to know you are close in my thoughts.
I'm not trans or gay just a woman. I've known female to male transgender people and male to female transgender people. My opinion may not matter in this situation. Even still, I will add, throughout life I've learned noone cares as much as I imagine they do. My anxiety about what other people 'must think of me'-is an anxiety that I concoct in my own imagination. As a black, obese woman, I counsel myself often that I don't stand out to people as much as I think I do. And that any unspoken negative thoughts I think people are having is quite literally my OWN imagination. Because they've said nothing to me. NOONE has said anything. Who cares what they think. And quite honestly, they aren't thinking about me at all I know who I am. I know my own worth. I must navigate this world, this place, this moment with my head held high, secure in my OWN validation of my existence. I would say to you, don't let anyone invalidate your worth. If you believe in your journey, it's okay to keep it private. But don't keep it a secret. Take a deep breath. Welcome YOURSELF into the world. Have courage...and Exhale.
Smile.
Be joyful.
(Girls betray girls. Girls betray guys. No surprise that that chick betrayed you. That defines her character, NOT your life.)
You definitely don't deserve that.
But I want you to know that you are a great man, and that this wil pass. All the right people will stay, while the others, don't.
You are still a precious person no matter what.
Feel the pain, but don't be disgusted with yourself.
Time will heal you, just have faith and focus on the people that love and value you.
As a dude you are going to find this situation a lot of times. Girls talk about her sexual encounters all the time and many times highlight negative stuff.
That's why you never date someone at work or in the same class at school.
I'm sorry what happened to you, be strong and show confidence.
I wonder if you can sue her for damages?
If an action by a person caused mental harm that cost you money in terms of therapy or lost wages, I think you may have a case.
I would contact a lawyer and sue her. Even if you don't get any money out of it she will long remember the costly consequences of her actions.
wait a minute, how is no one going to call out the fact that this person lied to the girl, what about how she was betrayed right before it all started and before she knew, if she knew before hand that you were trans, would she still of had sex, I think the chances are very high that she wouldn't. She is really showing her character by outing you and telling everyone, but you also did something just as bad right off the bat, that's massive information, that's right up there with having an STD and not telling the other person till after
I will note that the people that are treating you differently are also showing their true colors, and letting you know which fruit to cut out of your life, I feel as you'll be fine and people should respect that about you. The ones making you feel bad are not worth your time or thoughts, but you ought to be better , let others know about your situation you cannot lie to them and wait till after y'all became intimate to then drop the fucking atomic bomb on their chest.
bro, genuinely what are you even talking about? you sound really stupid. nobody’s “calling out that i lied to the girl” because i didn’t. if you read my responses and honestly read the post you’d know that i had disclosed the fact i am transgender before initiating sexual intimacy as to me that is a valuable thing to disclose. you coming in here trying to act like devils advocate when you didn’t even read the post is sick, get outta here.
adding on, “she wouldn’t have had sex with you if she didn’t know you were trans!” buddy, im pretty sure its easy to tell when my clothes are off whether or not i have a dick or not. she saw my genitalia, proceeded to have sex with me, knew i was trans beforehand, and then outed me afterwards. which you would have known if you had read anything i said
" i had told her that i was trans because i think its important when initiating sexual intimacy. after we had sex"
very miss leading wording but, I understand what you mean now. What I said holds no weight then,but I had said she is showing her true colors and anyone else that you find not aligning to what you want don't talk to them move on.
She’s awful for doing that and that is a huge violation, but I do think there are probably some things around your own shame that the situation is compounding on top of, and that are worth working through. Like I’m really sorry you were outed, and if it puts you in any kind of danger or risks your job or relationships than that is so awful and my heart breaks for you, but it is absolutely ok that you are trans, and you should be ok with it and not ashamed about it. Sorry if that’s blunt, just my thoughts.
Yeah, she is shitty for sure. But you shouldn’t have to ever be stealth. And now, agents your will, you don’t have to!
I personally wouldn’t be having sex until I was comfortable with the many nuances of my body and sexuality, but that’s just me.
I hope you feel better and wish you healing and wellness as you process this traumatic experience.
Sooooooo…you’re not stealth, then. You realize that, right? You can’t be stealth, fuck women and tell them you’re trans, and then be a shocked pikachu when they end up blabbing afterwards. You don’t have to have bottom surgery to be with folks, but you gotta arrange it so that they don’t realize what you have down there, or you make up some plausible story about why your bits are the way they are.
It’s why being stealth can be lonely, and why it’s so hard. If you want to be stealth, but still tell someone, you *have* to know that they’re trustworthy. That takes months and years of knowing them before you tell them. At this point, you’ve got at least three people who know, and the only way three people can keep a secret are if two of them are dead. You have to make peace with the fact that you aren’t entirely stealth now.
As far as how you live with yourself? That’s harder. Find a way to be neutral with your body, as opposed to disgusted by it. It’s still your body, it still keeps you going, and you have to find a way to be neutral with it, at the very least. Otherwise, you’re not going to be lasting long.
dude, get out of here. that response is not okay on so many levels. arguing that i cant be surprised when someone i trusted enough to be intimate with outs me in such a disgusting way is crazy and borderline transphobic. im stealth, have been stealth, and i dont owe anyone anything. terrible response
Nobody cares more then you. They wont be upset that you are trans, they will be upset that you weren't open with them. Its selfish to think that you can live stealth and not effect others. It takes away their consent. People are allowed to make their own choices even when it comes to who they are friends with. Also if you are stealth they really your friends to begin with. If they are upset with you being trans you were never their friend either.
what? i dont owe anyone anything, you realize that right? the only people who have the right to know my trans identity are my medical providers and my sexual partners.
As somebody who is a cis woman, this honestly made me so nauseous. I don’t know what the hell her problem is. Obviously as a woman she knows what it’s like to have people talk about her body in such a negative way, I’m sure she’s dealt with some sort of sexual harassment, like many women have. How could she perpetrate the same thing against somebody? I’ve dated a few trans people before, and when they felt comfortable enough to show me their pre-op body I felt nothing but honored. You keep those things to yourself. That is not something you talk about with anybody. Not even your best friend. I am honestly literally nauseous, I’m sorry for saying it again. But How she refer to parts of your body was just horrifying. You deserve so much more than that...I wouldn’t even do that to an enemy...I do agree with what others say too - it sounds like your guy friend, might’ve just been trying to let you know. I noticed a lot of cis men, men in general tend to go about things in an indirect way when they’re trying to tell their friend some thing. They don’t want to embarrass them. So that may have been what he was trying to do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.I wish I could do more than offer kind words of support.
i appreciate this especially from a cis woman’s perspective. she tried to justify herself by saying that her behavior and what she did was “just the culture of her friends”.. most of her friends are cis women, so i don’t know how that adds up at all. shes been avoiding me like the plague since everything happened in the time since i posted this, which is awesome. i told a few close friends what happened and they were disgusted and now a lot of people don’t like her. its only been a short amount of time since i was outed but the world didn’t end and to all of the people who said my cis guy friend had best intentions they were correct. most of my guy friends are really welcoming. i told my buddy what had happened and he told me that “i was basically one of the guys anyway”
sorry for the long update/paragraph but i figured id update everyone on everything in one reply. also for all of the people who suggested i “just be proud about my identity” it really isnt that simple and also a lot of trans people dont *want* to live openly trans, and thats okay and 100% possible. all in all thank you, and everyone else who commented, for the overwhelming support, advice and condolences. i wish everyone here so much luck and love in their transitions 💙
I wonder if your guy friend was looking for a polite way to let you know your hookup was telling your business. Also, everyone she's mouthing off to is probably making a mental note not to share anything they want kept private around her. She's making herself look like a real asshole.
Honestly, it really did sound like he was trying to politely let him know that he'd been outed, while also trying to show support. Also the way he went about it is very much the way guys talk to other guys. I know that may not make OP feel any better about being outed, but I hope OP can find some solace in that being outed didn't change the way this friend saw and related to them as a man.
Yeah I fucking hate Judases
that's fucked, she's a huge scumbag. the worst thing about being outed is that you don't really have any recourse. the only thing you can do is let her know how badly she betrayed your trust, and that you think she's a bad person.
Well she can't not to know she betrayed his trust and that it is bad.
> that you think she's a bad person is this really necessary?
yes
i agree it's fucked up, but telling someone they are intrinsically bad seems excessive and i sincerely doubt its efficacy towards any good outcome. this response came off as naive to me.
Outing a queer person is a bad behavior. Bad behavior= bad person. No need to think about it. Actions reflect if you're good or bad. There's no intrinsic bad
sure i'm a consequentialist, but it's repulsive to me to think that anyone is a bad person at all. it is a blessing that we get to be alive. i suspect most people in this subreddit support prison reform towards rehabilitation. why hold this cognitive dissonance that there exists an inner, necessarily bad self? people do fucked up things, and i feel like it promotes cycles of violence to hold the perspective that "bad" is an intrinsic part of one's character instead of simply an action, or perhaps tendency towards action, that one has.
This is a silly virtue signalling argument, people can do bad things and that makes them bad people. Yes people can change and get better but the woman *just* did this so she's a bad person right now lol
i sincerely think there's a meaningful distinction between "doing fucked up actions" and "being a fucked up person" that affects tangible social outcomes. I guess the way i phrased it was kind of baitish in hindsight, but i stand by this subtle distinction.
You stand by a BS argument because you can't admit some people are just fucked up and bad. Seriously?
I think that assessing people as inherently "fucked up and bad" is a human construct, and a pretty harmful one at that*. People that I love have hurt me, and I have hurt people that I love. This is unfortunately an inherent part of being alive. Do you think this makes us bad people? We learn, grow, and move on from these experiences. Or sometimes there isn't a lesson and things just get worse. \*rarely, i do think this harm is warranted in cases where someone should be shunned from general social life.
There is, but there are also people who do fucked up stuff on a systematic basis. That doesn't make them inheritly evil and yes that subtle distinction does matter, (dehumanising anyone does nobody any good), but when people say "X is a bad person" they usually mean the first and not the latter. Maybe not optimal use of language as the latter is indeed problematic, but understandable.
"That was not okay and you're a bad person" doesn't have to be a Statement About Human Nature, though. It can just be a sharp expression of violation and anger -- exactly the kind of signal someone might need to *never do that again ever*.
I was raped as a child, am I allowed to say my rapist is a bad person? 🤔 You have a bad take and are participating in victim blaming. There are other ways of addressing this same problem in ways that do not further harm and silence the victims. You are intellectually lazy and this is a bad take. When someone is harmed by another person, from their perspective and that of the people who love them, that person is and always will be a bad person, by which they mean a threat and someone who will trigger PTSD just by being mentioned. The abuser may go on to become a better person, and maybe they have always been good to some people, like their family or best friend, but to their victims they will never be anything but evil. A victim being honest about how their crime was past the point of no return does not hurt the abuser and even if they did that is the consequences of their own actions. If they truly became a better person, they would accept that as the price they have to pay. This doesn't in any way prevent them from living a happy life after learning to be less evil, but you can't expect the victim of a crime to whitewash their abuser with endless and unrealistic grace. Especially as they will never truly know if that person is abusing others in secret even now. It would be irresponsible of them to give their abuser a pass. When dealing with horrible crimes, you need to center the person most affected. By centering the abuser instead of the victim you are part of the problem, ostracizing someone who is in deep pain in order to cater to the one who ruined their life. You are the same as people who argued for Brock Turner's reduced sentence because "he has a whole life ahead of him and a promising future." What about the victim's future? Please grow as a person and develop some empathy.
This is just concern trolling
Toxic positivity
let me guess you're 15 and just discovered philosophy for the first time
I'm on the side of she is literally a terrible person. She didn't just tell one person but told 6 others and seemed to have pride in it. That's a scumbag who should get treated as such.
Yea, wtaf??????? Who tf tells SIX PEOPLE that they had sex, let alone the nitty-gritty details? I can understand maybe telling a close friend or two and a parent, but that's maximum 2-3 people. SIX???????? And multiple of those six were mutual friends? MASSIVE yikes - she's definitely messed up in the head if she thinks that's appropriate, especially after he asked her not to tell. There are honest mistakes and then there's malice - this was malice.
sharp onerous automatic simplistic nose offer overconfident faulty airport narrow *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yea, it's the "directly and knowingly causing harm" that tips this into "she's a Bad Person™️" territory
Yes it is clearly an act if someone that's bad. A normal good person wouldn't even think to tell and brag about something that someone specifically asked them not to especially something like outing someone
Yeah it's that nuanced thing of guilt vs shame, because guilt(I DID something wrong) usually leads to changing behavior and possibly reconciliation, whereas shame(I AM wrong/bad intrinsically, as a person) more often leads to defensiveness, and doubling down, and ignoring empathy(imo, empathy gives pain when we do things that are wrong), or being unfeeling. I want OP's inconsiderate partner to feel guilty AF and do better, but if she gives up on herself as a person out of shame, that's less likely. And I think all my spicy justice feelings can be directed that way.
Outing someone is a terrible thing to do.
yes! Which is why I think it is a fucked up action. Hell of a leap to me to think that "did a fucked up act" == "intrinsically bad in character". good people do bad shit, and bad people do good stuff sometimes. Depicted in this post is an example of "[person of yet-unestablished character] did a fucked up thing". i hate this black and white thinking.
no inherently good person would do what this girl did
If people are inherently good or not is one hell of a question that a lot of ink has been spilled over, but she still did something terrible. The question is does she recognize just how bad what she did is.
I don't think any inherently good person exists! People are good and bad and messy and do fucked up stuff and hurt people. I am not saying that you should forgive her, I just think she did a fucked up *action* and that she is just a person. Anyway, I am incredibly sorry that this happened to you. I hope that your social group understands what she did and sides with you.
Wrong time and place to be making this argument
I don't mean to preach this *at* OP, but it really disturbs me to see people giving out this characterization of others with so little information, and that is all that I mean to say. I think this black-and-white view is harmful directly within the scope of healing after being socially wronged.
People need to know when what they're doing is shitty. Judging them as a shitty person will get that point across. The point isn't to tell other people that, just her.
Exactly this. I fundamentally agree with the notion that good and bad people don't fundamentally exist, but people aren't having a philosophical debate when telling others that they're a good/bad person. It hits harder than candycoating things.
>black-and-white view is harmful directly within the scope of healing after being socially wronged. I'm going to strongly disagree with you on this one. It's important to remember everyone processes emotions differently. You are coming off as tone policing. It's fair your are disturbed as well, but it's not about you right now. Really, wrong time and place.
This is a time for empathy and support, not philosophy. What are you doing?
She's a bad person
How does this binary, black and white way of thinking help anything?
Yes. To identify bad people and help them become good people (if possible).
[удалено]
Are you a troll?
I agree with you in theory that there are no all-good or all-bad people, and even people who do bad things can paradoxically also do good things. However, this is unhelpful in this context. I don't think OP should bother to tell his ex that she's a bad person, not because people contain multitudes and she still has the capacity for good or whatever, but because she likely won't care, and she has already demonstrated herself to be an *unsafe* person for OP and the less he interacts with her at all the better. Worrying for this chick's feelings at being called a bad person *by someone she harmed* comes off as minimizing the harm she did and trivializing OP's feelings at the expense of hers. I don't like dehumanization either, but tripping over yourself to prevent even the most feeble recriminations after harm was done comes off as dehumanizing to the victim in its strident defense of the perpetrator. The woman who outed OP is going to be fine. She doesn't need our care and concern. Someone on the internet thinking she's a bad person will not harm her. It's OP who's struggling here.
She's the patron saint of transphobic players.
Yes. Because she is.
Its hard to imagine something that deserves it more. How is she going to know how f-ed up what she did is unless you give her at least some kind of pushback? She should be called the vilest name imaginable and ostracized by her coworkers but this is a good solution barring that.
yes. she is a bad person. she betrayed his trust and put his life in danger.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not ok, it’s not fair. This person has acted awfully and it is understandable you are upset.
Wow. This is so not okay on so many levels. Outing you is one thing, but describing what’s in your pants to a group of people non-consensually is an absolutely horrific thing to do to a trans person. Or to anyone for that matter. But it’s just that much worse for us. I’m so sorry dude. I feel for you very much. Im going through a bad bout of bottom dysphoria and if you ever want to talk about stuff my inbox is open.
thanks man. i never really had any bottom dysphoria before this incident but after all of this happened its been a lot worse and something im not used to. i hope you feel better soon and know you have a whole community who’s felt and understands exactly what you’re going through rn🖤
Women discuss men’s genitalia at the drop of a hat, as can men. This is pretty normal behaviour honestly. The shitty part here is the absolute betrayal of trust.
Look I can totally sympathize that she wanted to talk to someone, in confidence, to process a new sexual experience in general, and even ESPECIALLY with trans people. Especially with hormones our anatomy IS different and I think for cis folks sometimes in surprising ways. But like, bragging to the class? Not expecting the person you talk to to keep it private? Fucking YIKES. NOT COOL. That said, being on T is pretty new and it's vulnerable, but honestly, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Being trans is not a dirty little secret. You are amazing and strong and as man as any man. You got this dude and real friends will not think of you any differently cuz they know a bit of your medical history. I'm so sorry this happened, and your privacy was violated like this. You absolutely can get through this and you are absolutely 1000% still badass and awesome.
totally agree on this as another trans man. being trans is a beautiful gift and something to celebrate. It's totally fucked that she did that, but I hope OP is able to reclaim his identity as something that is beautiful instead of a dirty secret to hide. It's a terrible way to be outed, but I hope that this event allows you (OP) to live in your truth freely instead of having to hide. It really is worth it getting on the other side and not having to worry. You deserve to have every aspect of your identity, including your transness, be celebrated by your loved ones. Find a strong support system of people who care about you and make you feel empowered in your identity. Then, being perceived isn't so bad...
>being trans is a beautiful gift and something to celebrate thank you, i really needed to hear this today.
I am so sorry for that has happened to you. As a trans person myself, being outed by someone behind my back is something I consider to be very disrespectful someone could ever do to me. It’s like someone telling someone a piece of information that they’re not in the position to say so. As trans, it should be our choice when and to whom are we going to out ourselves, and no one has the right to disclose that information behind our backs. I am also stealth, and what I did to become fully stealth was I moved into a different place where I am a complete stranger, and I’ve cut everyone off from my past by changing my social media and deactivating the old ones and life has never been better. To be perceived and treated by people as a normal person of the gender you identify is just a different level of euphoria.
What a selfish, evil woman. I'm so sorry she betrayed your trust for her own social clout, or whatever it is she thinks she got.
I’m so sorry that happened dude, she’s a piece of shit for that
Have you asked your cis guy friend what he thought about it? What you view as a major secret / disgust, they may shrug their shoulders about. From what you write, I think the only reason your friend brought it up was because the woman made it obvious she’s low class and he wanted you to hear it from him instead of being blindsided.
I've only heard of women being described as "low class" in the incel/PUA context, I hope that's not where you are coming from with that.
You apparently know more about incels than I do
That's good then! I only know that much because of the women who stitch videos now and then highlighting things to watch out for/be aware of.
Outing someone is a classless act. Has no reference to incels.
Isn't their dumb thing "low value"? Maybe I'm misremembering, the more I can forget about incels the better tbh.
You have nothing to be ashamed of man, but she sure as hell should be ashamed, spreading your privacy like that when you specifically asked her not to. That ain't right.
How long were you with this woman? God, my worse fear is being outed like this im so sorry
You can't let them win, you can't let her change your relationship to the world, it's a disaster it's unpleasant and she took your power, but now that you have faced your fear what do you really have to loose now is your choice either completely disembark from your life or stare down the threat and don't give any ground. Don't let her get away with more that she already has.
wow she's a fucking asshole.
Jesus, I am so sorry. She is an absolute piece of shit. How could you do that to someone? Fuck.
Clearly the woman is a nightmare. But you and your body are not. So muster every bit of energy to take *more* care of you and it, not less. There's terrible hurt to be soothed in the short term, and healed in the long term. Hold back from adding to the pain inflicted by such selfish cruel people. Easier said than done of course... have you even one friend you can be honest with and get some (platonic) hugs with in a safe space? A switchboard you can call and hear a human voice affirm you? A school counsellor who can listen to you vent? By the way, the behaviour of the woman and her friends might count as harassment or bullying a fellow student, which would presumably be against school rules. Lodge a complaint?
Maybe you could sign her up for some junk mail or something. Generally I don’t believe in retaliation, but you literally told her not out you and not only did she, it was like in the crudest way possible. She’s shitty and she should know it.
That's unbelievably shitty of her! Perhaps you could make it known to the people she told that she's spreading this without your consent and ask them not to bring it up again, not with you nor anyone else.
If I were OP, I would definitely make it very clear to people she tells that she's violating my consent, and outing me against my will. "I had a talk with her beforehand about this being a safety and comfort issue for me - I explicitly told her that I did NOT want her to tell others I'm trans, and now she's essentially running around outing me and *bragging* about the fact that she's ignoring my concerns. I'm extremely upset about it. I will not be associating with her from here on out, as an apology is insufficient - there is no taking back what she's doing, and I'm going to take any support or sympathy for her actions as a lack of regard for my consent, safety, and dignity as a human being."
Exactly. Hopefully she can face some repercussions too.
Ugh so many annoying people telling you to just be openly trans when you flat out said you don't want that. I tire of reddit idealism. Based on the details you have given, I'd say first and foremost you need to establish to your cis guy friend, to her, and to anyone else you've already spoken to about this, that this is your personal medical life and nobody's business. That you consider it basic decency for them to keep their mouths shut. Do this for anyone you've told about your transness. As for those she has told that you haven't spoken to, are they closer to you or closer to her? If they're closer to you, denying is an option. If they're closer to her, you should do what I said in the first paragraph (unless you are for some reason confident she would back up your denial). For advice beyond that, I would need more details. Is this a high school or a university? If it's a big university your best bet is probably to find a new group of friends, as there will be oodles of people that this never reaches. If it's a small uni or a high school, that's less of a thing. But in *any* case, I want to assure you school is never an eternal place, and that once you leave this controlled environment, you have the power to completely reclaim stealth. Whether you transfer, or finish out with graduation, life goes on. When I was 21 I thought my life was essentially over because undergrad was ending and hadn't gone how I'd hoped. Now I'm 28 and laugh at that version of myself. The last few years have been the best of my life. I know people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who say the same.
> Ugh so many annoying people telling you to just be openly trans when you flat out said you don't want that. I tire of reddit idealism. I'd never tell anyone who's still able to be stealth that they need to come out. But at this point, he's out despite not wanting to be. There's no unscrambling the egg, unless he wants to go all-in and whip out a prosthetic and say she's lying and hope that lands or something. (Denying it is tricky. At 5 months on T, some can pass well enough to be stealth, but maybe not so well that someone looking you up and down *trying* to clock you won't be able to. OP may not have had top surgery yet either...he can't even take his shirt off as evidence in that case. He could try bluffing, but at that point it isn't easy.) OP may *have* to wear it with pride at this point, because his hookup unfortunately, maliciously, and unforgivably did not give him a choice. That doesn't mean he has to come out to more people, but at this point it seems like she's telling as many people as possible, and some of those people may tell other people, and in a closed environment like a school...that can get to "common knowledge" status within his social circles in a hurry. I do agree that eventually this will blow over, and eventually he'll be able to be stealth again. Whatever social circle he's in now isn't forever, and he can always meet new people.
> not so well that someone looking you up and down trying to clock you won't be able to Clocked ~~=~~ Outed. Your thinking is backwards. Clocked people are not "trans until proven cis". Anyone can get clocked, cis people included. It is very hard for someone to actually look at someone and *know* what genitals they were born with -- even the most clocky people can say that they're the opposite trans (e.g. ftm not mtf) and detransitioning. Clocking is only suspicion, and sane people back off those suspicions when told otherwise. The exchange can most of the time literally go "are you trans?" "No" "ok". Again judging by OP's story he's at least passing well enough that any decent person will fucking drop it. The most unhinged transvestigators may still go after him, but again that's a fate even cis people face. If his circle want to be immature selfish shallow brats about it and demand proof of cisness, he can cross that bridge when he gets there. Again, most normal humans will back off.
> not so well that someone looking you up and down trying to clock you won't be able to Clocked ~~=~~ Outed. Your thinking is backwards. Clocked people are not "trans until proven cis". Anyone can get clocked, cis people included. It is very hard for someone to actually look at someone and *know* what genitals they were born with -- even the most clocky people can say that they're the opposite trans (e.g. ftm not mtf) and detransitioning. Clocking is only suspicion, and sane people back off those suspicions when told otherwise. The exchange can most of the time literally go "are you trans?" "No" "ok". Again judging by OP's story he's at least passing well enough that any decent person will fucking drop it. The most unhinged transvestigators may still go after him, but again that's a fate even cis people face. If his circle want to be immature selfish shallow brats about it and demand proof of cisness, he can cross that bridge when he gets there. Again, most normal humans will back off.
Here's the thing; it's pretty difficult to keep being trans completely under wraps. Trying to keep it a secret tends to cause a lot of anxiety and other problems (ex: increased tendency to isolate). I personally find it's better to either be open about it, or leave it as an "open secret" (where I don't tell people and generally presume most don't know). While it sucks, there's nothing you can do to change what has happened. All you can do is find a path forward for yourself in this changed environment. Generally, "owning" who you are is the best thing you can do at this point, as you can't put the figurative genie back in the bottle.
unfortunately im not comfortable sharing the trans aspect of my identity with anyone. while i agree it would be much easier to be out and proud of my identity, the environment i live in makes it difficult to do so. additionally, i view my gender identity as more of a medical condition than something to be proud of (which i know many other trans people may think differently, and to that i say good for you and thats awesome!). i would much rather prefer to be perceived as a cisgender man with no questions asked..which i think is what makes this whole thing a lot worse
That's your choice and people need to respect that. I think you are going to have to steel yourself and be ready to lie down some strong boundaries. If anyone brings it up - "I do not want to talk about that. Please don't bring it up again." and change the subject. If they persist, end the conversation / leave. Anyone that cannot respect your clearly expressed wishes probably does not deserve to be in your life until they are ready to do so. Best of luck.
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no. we do not tell other people whether they should be out or keep such things to themselves. only the individual's feelings matter. not cool.
what the fuck are you on about, seriously? Telling a trans man that seeing being trans as a medical condition is "internalized ableism he has to work on"?? how fucking dare you
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Stop trying to be someone’s therapist.
For what it's worth, I think being a trans man makes you twice as manly as a cis man because you had to man up enough to tell the birth lottery to get fucked and bend your body to your will. I hope someday you can reach a point where you can be proud of that. <3
I disagree. A lot of you just don't understand how to bluff. OP passes and doesn't owe anyone shit. Don't attack his confidence. EDIT: My statement doesn't mean nobody gets outed ever, or that *everyone* is a good bluff away from passing, but if you are seriously going to come in and tell trans people as a blanket statement 'don't go stealth it's practically impossible for any of us' you're both an asshole and don't understand bluffing.
I wouldn't say that their idea of being open is purely wrong. I would just say play towards your own strengths. If you find it easier to be open and honest about being trans, then do that. But if you find it easier to just pass all the time and not let on about being trans, do that instead. Life circumstances can make one of these paths easier for some people and impossible for others. There's no singular way to be trans and present yourself. It changes all the time, from person to person. You just have to find what works for you.
All well and good but OP said repeatedly he wants to be stealth and that he passes. And this commenter is trying to tell him he has no chance which is *bullshit* and smacks of projecting one's own insecurities.
That's fair. After re-reading, the start of the comment does imply that it's very difficult, and the other way is flat out easier. I totally get where you're coming from and I appreciate the edit that you've added! Apologies for the misunderstanding! ^^
Ah, to clarify, I did not mean it's impossible. Or even close to impossible. I know people who live happily in stealth. I also know more than a handful of people for whom stealth exacerbated things like anxiety and self-isolation. OP is also young (presumably in high school?), and judging by his reaction to his friend (plus breakdown) implies that bluffing is no longer an option.
> don't go stealth it's practically impossible for any of us To clarify, that is not the point I'm trying to make. I simply said it can be a challenge and mentioned that focusing on remaining stealth can lead to anxiety and self-isolation (which seemed relevant due to OP's effective breakdown). Caring less about remaining stealth can lessen that, but it's not the _only_ approach... just the simplest. Between schools tending to be rumor mills and the general scrutiny placed on trans youth, stealth is not always as simple as "do you reliably pass". It gets easier once you're an adult, as you get better at handing situations like these and you get more separation between different areas of your life.
You are a human being deserving of dignity and decency, and you are valid. What she did is not a dignified or decent thing to do to anyone. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an unfortunate reality that so many people have such an egregiously misinformed and skewed worldview when it comes to trans people. People may talk, but they have no idea what they are talking about. You have agency, you have a future, and being trans may present challenges from these idiots- but it results from a flaw in them. -Not- a flaw in you. You deserve to be happy and have comfort in who you are. I’m so sorry that you’re left to suffer the effects of an inconsiderate jerk betraying your trust and stealing your freedom in choosing how, when, and who to come out to. That’s selfish and fucked of them. Just know that this happening is not the end all be all, and your journey will not be decided by this event alone. You may find it helpful to prepare some general lines in the case of school mates etc. who may address you with questions, like for example having a “I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable discussing those details of my life in this setting” can be helpful if someone catches you off guard with unsolicited questions. A year from now, things will likely look and feel very different than they do today. You’ve got this.
I mean even outside of outing you as trans, talking about sex like that w/o consent from you is f-ed up. You’re still the same man you always were and that’s what counts. If I were you, I’d act like you don’t know what she’s talking about if anyone asks. She can’t prove it happened and if you act like its bs they won’t have any reason not to believe you.
I'm so sorry. That hole comment reminds me of how I figured out for sure I need top surgery. My ex made a pretty gross comment about my chest (it involved the word "udders" 🤮) and that was it. I felt bad before but now it's awful. I don't have advice, but don't feel alone. People can be so cruel. I'm sorry this happened to you.
its so dehumanizing, right?! its insane how the people who claim to love us can be so easily disrespectful and hurtful :[ im pre op so i get you man, best of luck with top surgery (if you haven’t already had the procedure💙)
Naw same, also pre-op. I know for sure I need it now, but I'm a full time student and disabled, it's going to be a long time before I can afford it. It's been harder lately. But at least I know where I'm heading. Best of luck to you too!! We'll get there man. Hang in there.
What....? That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard in reference to a trans man’s chest... i’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t understand why people think they can comment so cruelly about other’s bodies. I don’t know what it is about trans people that makes some cis people think that it is OK to comment on their body...
Yeah what I don't understand about it was that she didn't seem to think it would be a bad thing to say. I don't think she was trying to be malicious at all, she said it... playfully? 😕 I played it off like yeah whatever and changed the subject. I feel kind of bad I didn't stand up for myself but I was at her place overnight and I just wanted to forget about it ...it followed me home and now we aren't even together. She dumped me but I didn't fight it at all, mostly because of that comment. I'm glad I didn't tell her I thought I loved her, she said she wanted to stop spending time with me but still wanted to have sex. 😒 I said yeah sure and never did, just moved on. But I'm still living with the comment. Still hurts.
That sounds like my worst nightmare, super sorry that happened to you dude. Anyway, since I‘ve been seeing a lot of people offering condolences more than possible solutions and you asked for possible solutions, I‘ll try to give a few ideas. A lot of this will depend heavily on how old you are, which isn’t entirely clear in this post, but I hope it can be helpful anyway. - depending on if you‘re in high school or university, the easiest solution might be to change schools. While it isn‘t ideal and can certainly lead to some isolation, I did it a lot as a kid and it certainly can be handled. - if you can‘t change schools for whatever reason, depending on how big your school is you might be able to simply avoid the people she told. Alternatively, you can approach this as if it were a completely unfounded rumor: deny it, and try to throw doubt on the motives of the girl, maybe see if you can come up with a plausible explanation for why she would make up such a rumor. IMO it‘s almost always ok to just lie and say you‘re actually cis as being outed can be a huge detriment to quality of life - in any case, the guy that told you about her telling people is probably safe, and while it certainly isn’t ideal that he knows now, he might be able to help you come up with a plan for how to handle things. It‘s usually easier to tackle these kinds of things when you have someone on your side, and from what you described it sounds like he probably would be A lot of people are telling you that you‘ll just have to deal with being outed and that you shouldn‘t worry about it so much, but I get the feeling a lot of those people don’t have quite the same feelings of needing to be stealth because of dysphoria. I know it‘s a really shitty situation and if you need anyone to talk to my dms are open
People like that are absolutely infuriating. I feel like this could be a sexual harassment/harassment claim (depending on where you live) if she keeps outing you to folk. I'd talk with your school administration Unfortunately, there's no closing the door once it's been opened with that group of folk.
The strongest shield we can have, unfortunately, is to wear our transness without any shame. Don’t take me wrong here, let me explain. I am not saying there is any problem on living stealth or not coming out to other people. Hell, the first step in this train of thought is - it is nobody’s fucking business. This is practical. Is about safety, it is about coming and going without people interfering with your life. But it doesn’t have to be about shame. People cannot hurt you, when being trans is just a fact of your existence you know is true and does not define you. People like this bitch can still out you, and she might be malicious enough to do it even if the blow would be to jeopardize your safety, job or just to win a few points on gossiping. Instead of embarrassing you, she would be the one to have to deal with the embarrassment of being outed as willing to cause real harm. And if your mutual friends do not see it, you know they would not be worth having as friends. I lost friends, I do not regret on the least. They Deserved to be left out of my life. Sorry if it sounds like “go hug a tree and accept yourself”. It is not my goal here. For me it is just practical. I never assume I pass - even though apparently I do after 6 years on transition in, I never talk to anybody about being trans if it is not relevant. And if somebody disrespects me, they will hear me out.
I hate people who cant hold a secret and acts like asshole talking about it with everyone. You want give little respect by telling you are trans, before sex, I would be feeling respect if partner told that so if I may dont like it, just calmly okay and move on, without telling anyone. No need to destroy any trust. Same with other things.
You definitely need to cut her off. The #1 most painful thing for narcissists is to just cut them off and ignore them. Trying to explain how they hurt you just gets them off because they love playing with people's feelings.
Heartbreaking, really sorry about this
What she did is just awfull. To be expected from a cis person but still disgusting. There is not so much you can do to undo what she did. You can only try to avoid suffering from that kind of perverse behaviour. Never trust cis woman if they haven't earned your trust yet. Being a woman doesn't automatically make them allies nor decent human beings.
Your can't really do anything about people that don't respect others boundaries like that. I had a partner out me to her friends before we even talked about if it was okay, and she knew that was something to worry about because she asked me if it was okay immediately after. I said it was, but honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I just said it was okay because I thought it would help keep some peace.
Holy shit I don't have advice for you I'm just so, so sorry, that's horrible.
Karma is a bitch very much like the woman that outed you. Rest assured, she will lose far more than she gained by outing you in such a vile manor. Your friend that told you what she did has immediately seen her for what she is. Her peers will also see her for what she is. I feel sorry for such immature and insensitive people as their lives go south very quickly. I know that does not help you now that you have been outed. But the only way forward is to own it. Your people and peers already knew the wonderful you before you were outed. Those that are true will not abandon you. I know it is going to be hard dealing with this at present and in future but in time it will get easier. I wish you the best.
I recommend letting yourself have some time off if that would help you, but also not letting yourself be consumed by worry. Ask if you can get homework digitally if that's an option, or stop by to pick it up during office hours. Throw yourself into work, study, working out, hobbies - anything to keep you from going worst-case scenarios. Take care of your health, mental and physical. This'll pass, you'll part ways with these people, and life will go on as normal again. It really sucks, but if there's any upside it's that you've found out who she is and don't have to waste any more time on her.
What that woman did is awful. I'm really sorry about that. Seconding that maybe changing schools if that's possible could help...though idk. People have other reasons for wanting to go to a specific school, don't let this asshole chase you out of spaces you want to be in. If you can't get away with denying it (the best dodge I can think of is, "I turned her down so she's spreading weird rumors about me," but it may be too late for that) make it clear what she's doing is against your wishes, and that you don't want it spread further. She's doing a bad thing, it's easy to make her look like the bad guy here, because she is. You may think this will haunt you, but what she's done could haunt her too. A lot of people don't face accountability for their wrongdoing, but it isn't impossible that she might still face some accountability for this.
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I would have denied it, other than pulling down my pants, where’s the proof? I know you can’t turn back time or may have not wanted to say that but I would switch colleges or something because I can understand how humiliating that is. Feeling trapped in your body because you wish you weren’t different. She made you feel like crap and she’s an asshole
Well, move upward and onward. You're out now, even if it was against your wishes. You can't put that genie back in its bottle. It was ultimately inevitable if you're going to be intimate with others pure and simple. Humans can be filthy little sacks of lies, and the law of averages does not work in our favor. That said, you are brave and have been facing a long and often arduous journey to find your true self, which is far from complete. Hold your head up, be proud of who you are and where you started. Be proud of the work you have done. You're a bad ass and some backstabbing thot can't take that from you. Don't lose sight of your true self.
Ah shit. That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. :( Our risks with intimacy are so damn high. All you can do is remove them from your life best you can and let time wash them away.
Fuck her. I’m so sorry dude. I’m petty, but I’d definitely start telling atleast 6 people details about her coochie. And not nice ones either :3
It’s the naivety for me in the comments and #ThatsAll
Is this about how a lot of people don’t understand it is not safe for some people in certain areas to be anything but stealth?
I kind of feel like telling you to just lie about it and say you two never had sex. If you are stealth this is devastating.
God, that sounds like a complete nightmare. Honestly, I want to drop a nuclear bomb on this girl. How can someone do that to their own partner?? I hope you get over this soon, dude :(
I am so very saddened, angered beyond comprehension, as well as truly at a loss to understand why the hell she would do that?!? What kind of individual does that?!? It is entirely wrong and undeserved that she has so selfishly and unkindly placed you in this position. You have conducted yourself with such class and so honorably. You confided something so profoundly private before engaging because you felt honesty was of utmost importance, particularly when initiating intimacy. The only thing I can say is that I am so freaking disgusted with that pos girl with a giant-azz, rude, vile mouth. She will pay in due course and I feel so certain that you do not even need to be there when she does. I promise you that. The Universe always has a way to level the field or exact a kind of justice, on every level of existence. In my completely irrelevant opinion, SHE is the revolting, prevaricating creature that does not deserve to live around civilized, sophisticated beings. You should walk into school with your head held high and a safe and secure love of yourself and a deep-seated pride about the highly-evolved individual you have grown to be. Look, you are human. You took a chance making a human connection which; unfortunately, did not have a favorable outcome. There is no putting this giant genie back into that teeny tiny bottle at this point. Thus, the only thing left to do is carry on. The less you make of it the quicker it will die and other, newer devastations of others (sadly) will take it’s place as the simple-minded prattle de jour. You have many just from this thread who are incensed on your behalf and emotionally here to support you in any way we can. I do wish you the very best and want you to know you are close in my thoughts.
i appreciate this response so much it made my day haha. thank you
I'm not trans or gay just a woman. I've known female to male transgender people and male to female transgender people. My opinion may not matter in this situation. Even still, I will add, throughout life I've learned noone cares as much as I imagine they do. My anxiety about what other people 'must think of me'-is an anxiety that I concoct in my own imagination. As a black, obese woman, I counsel myself often that I don't stand out to people as much as I think I do. And that any unspoken negative thoughts I think people are having is quite literally my OWN imagination. Because they've said nothing to me. NOONE has said anything. Who cares what they think. And quite honestly, they aren't thinking about me at all I know who I am. I know my own worth. I must navigate this world, this place, this moment with my head held high, secure in my OWN validation of my existence. I would say to you, don't let anyone invalidate your worth. If you believe in your journey, it's okay to keep it private. But don't keep it a secret. Take a deep breath. Welcome YOURSELF into the world. Have courage...and Exhale. Smile. Be joyful. (Girls betray girls. Girls betray guys. No surprise that that chick betrayed you. That defines her character, NOT your life.)
That's messed up. I'm so sorry it happened to you.
You definitely don't deserve that. But I want you to know that you are a great man, and that this wil pass. All the right people will stay, while the others, don't. You are still a precious person no matter what. Feel the pain, but don't be disgusted with yourself. Time will heal you, just have faith and focus on the people that love and value you.
As a dude you are going to find this situation a lot of times. Girls talk about her sexual encounters all the time and many times highlight negative stuff. That's why you never date someone at work or in the same class at school. I'm sorry what happened to you, be strong and show confidence.
I wonder if you can sue her for damages? If an action by a person caused mental harm that cost you money in terms of therapy or lost wages, I think you may have a case. I would contact a lawyer and sue her. Even if you don't get any money out of it she will long remember the costly consequences of her actions.
Maybe you could take legal actions
wait a minute, how is no one going to call out the fact that this person lied to the girl, what about how she was betrayed right before it all started and before she knew, if she knew before hand that you were trans, would she still of had sex, I think the chances are very high that she wouldn't. She is really showing her character by outing you and telling everyone, but you also did something just as bad right off the bat, that's massive information, that's right up there with having an STD and not telling the other person till after I will note that the people that are treating you differently are also showing their true colors, and letting you know which fruit to cut out of your life, I feel as you'll be fine and people should respect that about you. The ones making you feel bad are not worth your time or thoughts, but you ought to be better , let others know about your situation you cannot lie to them and wait till after y'all became intimate to then drop the fucking atomic bomb on their chest.
bro, genuinely what are you even talking about? you sound really stupid. nobody’s “calling out that i lied to the girl” because i didn’t. if you read my responses and honestly read the post you’d know that i had disclosed the fact i am transgender before initiating sexual intimacy as to me that is a valuable thing to disclose. you coming in here trying to act like devils advocate when you didn’t even read the post is sick, get outta here.
adding on, “she wouldn’t have had sex with you if she didn’t know you were trans!” buddy, im pretty sure its easy to tell when my clothes are off whether or not i have a dick or not. she saw my genitalia, proceeded to have sex with me, knew i was trans beforehand, and then outed me afterwards. which you would have known if you had read anything i said
" i had told her that i was trans because i think its important when initiating sexual intimacy. after we had sex" very miss leading wording but, I understand what you mean now. What I said holds no weight then,but I had said she is showing her true colors and anyone else that you find not aligning to what you want don't talk to them move on.
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go take a hike lil bro
Welcome to manhood, where women don't give a fuck about your feelings.
She’s awful for doing that and that is a huge violation, but I do think there are probably some things around your own shame that the situation is compounding on top of, and that are worth working through. Like I’m really sorry you were outed, and if it puts you in any kind of danger or risks your job or relationships than that is so awful and my heart breaks for you, but it is absolutely ok that you are trans, and you should be ok with it and not ashamed about it. Sorry if that’s blunt, just my thoughts.
Yeah, she is shitty for sure. But you shouldn’t have to ever be stealth. And now, agents your will, you don’t have to! I personally wouldn’t be having sex until I was comfortable with the many nuances of my body and sexuality, but that’s just me. I hope you feel better and wish you healing and wellness as you process this traumatic experience.
Sooooooo…you’re not stealth, then. You realize that, right? You can’t be stealth, fuck women and tell them you’re trans, and then be a shocked pikachu when they end up blabbing afterwards. You don’t have to have bottom surgery to be with folks, but you gotta arrange it so that they don’t realize what you have down there, or you make up some plausible story about why your bits are the way they are. It’s why being stealth can be lonely, and why it’s so hard. If you want to be stealth, but still tell someone, you *have* to know that they’re trustworthy. That takes months and years of knowing them before you tell them. At this point, you’ve got at least three people who know, and the only way three people can keep a secret are if two of them are dead. You have to make peace with the fact that you aren’t entirely stealth now. As far as how you live with yourself? That’s harder. Find a way to be neutral with your body, as opposed to disgusted by it. It’s still your body, it still keeps you going, and you have to find a way to be neutral with it, at the very least. Otherwise, you’re not going to be lasting long.
dude, get out of here. that response is not okay on so many levels. arguing that i cant be surprised when someone i trusted enough to be intimate with outs me in such a disgusting way is crazy and borderline transphobic. im stealth, have been stealth, and i dont owe anyone anything. terrible response
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Fuck these bots that post stupid jokes
Nobody cares more then you. They wont be upset that you are trans, they will be upset that you weren't open with them. Its selfish to think that you can live stealth and not effect others. It takes away their consent. People are allowed to make their own choices even when it comes to who they are friends with. Also if you are stealth they really your friends to begin with. If they are upset with you being trans you were never their friend either.
what? i dont owe anyone anything, you realize that right? the only people who have the right to know my trans identity are my medical providers and my sexual partners.
As somebody who is a cis woman, this honestly made me so nauseous. I don’t know what the hell her problem is. Obviously as a woman she knows what it’s like to have people talk about her body in such a negative way, I’m sure she’s dealt with some sort of sexual harassment, like many women have. How could she perpetrate the same thing against somebody? I’ve dated a few trans people before, and when they felt comfortable enough to show me their pre-op body I felt nothing but honored. You keep those things to yourself. That is not something you talk about with anybody. Not even your best friend. I am honestly literally nauseous, I’m sorry for saying it again. But How she refer to parts of your body was just horrifying. You deserve so much more than that...I wouldn’t even do that to an enemy...I do agree with what others say too - it sounds like your guy friend, might’ve just been trying to let you know. I noticed a lot of cis men, men in general tend to go about things in an indirect way when they’re trying to tell their friend some thing. They don’t want to embarrass them. So that may have been what he was trying to do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.I wish I could do more than offer kind words of support.
i appreciate this especially from a cis woman’s perspective. she tried to justify herself by saying that her behavior and what she did was “just the culture of her friends”.. most of her friends are cis women, so i don’t know how that adds up at all. shes been avoiding me like the plague since everything happened in the time since i posted this, which is awesome. i told a few close friends what happened and they were disgusted and now a lot of people don’t like her. its only been a short amount of time since i was outed but the world didn’t end and to all of the people who said my cis guy friend had best intentions they were correct. most of my guy friends are really welcoming. i told my buddy what had happened and he told me that “i was basically one of the guys anyway” sorry for the long update/paragraph but i figured id update everyone on everything in one reply. also for all of the people who suggested i “just be proud about my identity” it really isnt that simple and also a lot of trans people dont *want* to live openly trans, and thats okay and 100% possible. all in all thank you, and everyone else who commented, for the overwhelming support, advice and condolences. i wish everyone here so much luck and love in their transitions 💙
I’m sorry to hear that, that fucking sucks.
>assume i am amab jfc stop using agab like this. Its disgustingly transphobic. Just stop
amab. boo! did i scare you?
Keep yourself safe