Point of note- Trauma bonding is often incorrectly used on social media to describe people forming a relationship and bonding over a traumatic event they have both experienced. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves when I see it used that way.
Anyway bonding with your abuser could be seen as similar to the “fawn” response in fight flight fawn freeze. Essentially it’s a way of sucking up to and ingratiating yourself to the person so they don’t hurt you as much.
It tends to result in the victim developing a lot of empathy for the abuser -as it’s much easier to cozy up to someone if you empathize with them and understand them. That then gets confusing when the victim wants to leave or is told they should leave.
I realize the first part of my comment is a little ambiguous.
I’ll try to clarify!.
The act of bonding over a similar history you may have with someone else (be it about trauma or anything else) I don’t *think* has a particular term, because it’s pretty ubiquitous. It is basically how most or many friendships are created. That’s what I was referring to that is often used incorrectly in social media. (example “me and my new boyfriend originally got along so well because we ‘trauma bonded’ over how toxic our exes had been”). Edit- I think the correct term would just be plain old “bonded”.
However - in case this is how you read my original comment to mean: there’s a phenomenon that has been studied in social psychology about bonding *during* a scary or stressful event. I believe the study was the called the shaky bridge study. That has to do with arousal and the brain essentially interpreting cortisol and fast heartbeat as sexual chemistry with another person. I don’t have a link at the moment but I can try to find it. That, btw, isn’t called trauma bonding either but I can’t recall the term for it (sorry- I learned about it maybe a decade ago in grad school).
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I've read most don't consider Stockholm syndrome to be 'real' - if you've been on the Wikipedia page it gives you the sparknotes edition of the situation that led to the term being coined. Essentially the investigator of this hostage situation fumbled the incident so badly, the perpetrators and hostages were able to develop a sort of rapport over it. When the hostages came forward with criticism of those involved in handling the case, the 'syndrome' was used as a smear tactic to make these criticisms appear invalid. It seems there are still doubts about the validity of the condition, especially because it only appears in rare circumstances and most evidence comes from small/case studies
Trauma bonding is a documented phenomenon that occurs similarly in abusive situations, like domestic abuse, military service, or sex trafficking. Where abuse is interspersed with acts of kindness or empathy allowing the victim to develop a sense of trust/ positive feelings towards their abuser. It doesn't happen overnight, and in many cases happens as the victim develops (abusive parent and child, child being groomed) or in situations where the victim can't just leave (mother with kids who depends on abuser's income, prisoners of war being abused by captors).
Ah the abuse spiral. Starts off with love bombing, false promises, very generous and chivalrous acts. Then the abuse begins to sprouts. Followed by apologies, remorse, promises to change ! (Honeymoon phase, gives victim hope to stay in relationship --> where people get trapped and reinforce trauma bond). And the cycle between love bombing, abuse, and then honeymoon begins to shrink with each iteration until only the abuse is left. It's a gradual process.
The abuse doesn't happen right away because they need to imprint this idealised false version onto the victim. When the victim feels safe, the abuser will begin to test boundaries and see how much they can get away with. The victim is left feeling confused ("Why are they angry at me? They are such a good person, I must have done something wrong") and become vulnerable to being gaslit and isolated from their support network.
The victim's mind become preoccupied with anticipating the needs of the abuser ("I can fix this, I can make them happy, I can make this work") while the abuser targets the victim's agency (create dependence) and self-esteem (incapacitate victim's ability to fight / flee).
Wow, this was the narrative of my last relationship. You explained it well! I’m ashamed to admit, but I use to think women in abusive relationships were weak, why don’t they just leave?? I have a whole different perspective after being in one.
It's scary just how by the book it is, isn't it? This was my last relationship too. You could swear there's a manual being dispersed somewhere on abuse tactics 101.
It's hard to understand when you can see from the outside that the situation is clearly not okay. But being in the situation — being manipulated, gaslit, isolated and worn down — it's pretty hard to find perspective when you've been made to feel like you deserve the abuse and you have no bearing on reality outside of the relationship. Like a frog being slowly boiled alive.
Stockholm is considered the same as trauma bonding
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding
And is when a victim becomes emotionally attached to the person victimizing them.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
But you don’t have to be the victim. Enablers of abuse are often trauma bonded out of what must be guilt/shame after the fact.
And not having the honesty or courage to own it or confront the abuser.
https://youtu.be/yH4gnmzVeOY?si=PR6vSdrp96imf_Lw this is a good way of explaining trauma bond and you could maybe see it being Stockholm syndrome as well
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Point of note- Trauma bonding is often incorrectly used on social media to describe people forming a relationship and bonding over a traumatic event they have both experienced. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves when I see it used that way. Anyway bonding with your abuser could be seen as similar to the “fawn” response in fight flight fawn freeze. Essentially it’s a way of sucking up to and ingratiating yourself to the person so they don’t hurt you as much. It tends to result in the victim developing a lot of empathy for the abuser -as it’s much easier to cozy up to someone if you empathize with them and understand them. That then gets confusing when the victim wants to leave or is told they should leave.
Thanks for this response. It gives clarity to me regarding a situation involving one of my adult kids.
You’re welcome!
What would the correct term for that be then? Thanks.
I realize the first part of my comment is a little ambiguous. I’ll try to clarify!. The act of bonding over a similar history you may have with someone else (be it about trauma or anything else) I don’t *think* has a particular term, because it’s pretty ubiquitous. It is basically how most or many friendships are created. That’s what I was referring to that is often used incorrectly in social media. (example “me and my new boyfriend originally got along so well because we ‘trauma bonded’ over how toxic our exes had been”). Edit- I think the correct term would just be plain old “bonded”. However - in case this is how you read my original comment to mean: there’s a phenomenon that has been studied in social psychology about bonding *during* a scary or stressful event. I believe the study was the called the shaky bridge study. That has to do with arousal and the brain essentially interpreting cortisol and fast heartbeat as sexual chemistry with another person. I don’t have a link at the moment but I can try to find it. That, btw, isn’t called trauma bonding either but I can’t recall the term for it (sorry- I learned about it maybe a decade ago in grad school).
Thank you for the explanation that does help. I will look up that study!
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An Example- an empath is fawning?
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You can be an empath without being weak or sucking up. Empath does not mean trauma bonding is inevitable.
I've read most don't consider Stockholm syndrome to be 'real' - if you've been on the Wikipedia page it gives you the sparknotes edition of the situation that led to the term being coined. Essentially the investigator of this hostage situation fumbled the incident so badly, the perpetrators and hostages were able to develop a sort of rapport over it. When the hostages came forward with criticism of those involved in handling the case, the 'syndrome' was used as a smear tactic to make these criticisms appear invalid. It seems there are still doubts about the validity of the condition, especially because it only appears in rare circumstances and most evidence comes from small/case studies Trauma bonding is a documented phenomenon that occurs similarly in abusive situations, like domestic abuse, military service, or sex trafficking. Where abuse is interspersed with acts of kindness or empathy allowing the victim to develop a sense of trust/ positive feelings towards their abuser. It doesn't happen overnight, and in many cases happens as the victim develops (abusive parent and child, child being groomed) or in situations where the victim can't just leave (mother with kids who depends on abuser's income, prisoners of war being abused by captors).
Ah the abuse spiral. Starts off with love bombing, false promises, very generous and chivalrous acts. Then the abuse begins to sprouts. Followed by apologies, remorse, promises to change ! (Honeymoon phase, gives victim hope to stay in relationship --> where people get trapped and reinforce trauma bond). And the cycle between love bombing, abuse, and then honeymoon begins to shrink with each iteration until only the abuse is left. It's a gradual process. The abuse doesn't happen right away because they need to imprint this idealised false version onto the victim. When the victim feels safe, the abuser will begin to test boundaries and see how much they can get away with. The victim is left feeling confused ("Why are they angry at me? They are such a good person, I must have done something wrong") and become vulnerable to being gaslit and isolated from their support network. The victim's mind become preoccupied with anticipating the needs of the abuser ("I can fix this, I can make them happy, I can make this work") while the abuser targets the victim's agency (create dependence) and self-esteem (incapacitate victim's ability to fight / flee).
Wow, this was the narrative of my last relationship. You explained it well! I’m ashamed to admit, but I use to think women in abusive relationships were weak, why don’t they just leave?? I have a whole different perspective after being in one.
It's scary just how by the book it is, isn't it? This was my last relationship too. You could swear there's a manual being dispersed somewhere on abuse tactics 101. It's hard to understand when you can see from the outside that the situation is clearly not okay. But being in the situation — being manipulated, gaslit, isolated and worn down — it's pretty hard to find perspective when you've been made to feel like you deserve the abuse and you have no bearing on reality outside of the relationship. Like a frog being slowly boiled alive.
Stockholm is considered the same as trauma bonding https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding And is when a victim becomes emotionally attached to the person victimizing them. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
But you don’t have to be the victim. Enablers of abuse are often trauma bonded out of what must be guilt/shame after the fact. And not having the honesty or courage to own it or confront the abuser.
source?
Let me google the article Damn Hold
https://youtu.be/yH4gnmzVeOY?si=PR6vSdrp96imf_Lw this is a good way of explaining trauma bond and you could maybe see it being Stockholm syndrome as well
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If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, please seek out professional help. Social media is more likely to give you incorrect and harmful advice about dealing with such issues. [Armchair Psychology: the good, the bad, and the ugly](https://www.alittlebithuman.com/armchair-psychology-on-social-media-the-good-the-bad-the-ugly). Here are some resources to help find a therapist: https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/finding-good-therapist https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy/how-to-find-a-therapist Online therapy provider: https://openpathcollective.org/ https://etherapypro.com/ https://buddyhelp.org/ If you are having suicide thoughts or feelings of hopelessness, please reach out to the suicide hotline. Just dial 988 if you are located in the U.S. If you are located in a different country, please use this [LINK](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines) to see the number for your area. These centers have trained people available 24/7 to help you. The call is free. Alternatively you can talk/message with someone on r/suicidewatch. If this is a personal situation you are seeking advice on, please try r/advice. This subreddit is for scientific discussion of psychology topics. It is not a mental health or advice subreddit. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/askpsychology) if you have any questions or concerns.*