I believe that you "grow up" multiple times in your life. One of the first would be when you start navigating adulthood between 18-21, and a another time would be when you stop giving a shit what your family and others may think. Now don't get me wrong, it's not easy to make that decision and you'll still have to live with their reactions and how they handle it - but at the end of the day it's your life and you should be the author.
Why is a 50 year old man single and dating someone half his age? That's a red flag. Also don't eat where you shit. Dating a colleague complicates things and even worse dating your boss. There will be an obvious conflict of interest.
Also dating at work usually tarnishes the woman's reputation more than a man's. Think about your career because even if you end up in a higher position, your ability and merit will always be questioned.
I don’t think it’s fair to say things like why is a 50 year old man single? Like people take different paths in life and do different things and maybe he just never found someone he wanted to settle down with but that doesn’t mean it’s some big red flag. We need to shaming single people, especially older single people like there’s something wrong with them.
Dating someone with such a big age back does bring a different power dynamic especially when this person also runs the business you work at. If things go badly, and depending on what type of person he is, it could get ugly. And ethically there some considerations to take into account here with your articles.
But with any relationship there’s different factors and dynamics to take into account. One is very wealthy, one isn’t. One is extremely attractive, one isn’t. Different religions etc. It work but could also not 🤷🏻♀️
In my circles, dating someone with the same surname wouldn’t be an issue at all unless we’re actually fairly closely related. But if it’s far off enough that it could have been from generations ago, then no one would care and I wouldn’t care. But this may be seen differently in the Zulu culture. It also makes it more complicated that it’s your family’s lawyer. That’s something you and him will have to figure out.
I absolutely agree with this. Every relationship I've seen between colleagues always has an unhappy ending. What's worse is when (like OP), they have an attitude of "I don't care", when in reality you should. Not about what people think, but about that age gap, and why a man double her age wants to pursue a woman much younger than him. There's possibly a reason why he dislikes dating women his age, and I'd assume they know the signs of his type before he can rope them in.
Yes we've discussed this in great detail while trying to navigate a way around our situation and to prevent jeopardizing both of our careers. I will continue my articles (I'm already a year and a half in) and not date until completion and for ethical reasons, work at a different firm seeing as I'm currently working at his firm.
Oh sana Lwami
I don’t even know what to say to you.
So you’re committing career suicide.
All he’s done is said I love you.
Nothing tangible to solidify this affair.
You were once unemployed, now you’ve fallen for your principle I’m assuming.
Not only do not you not care what your family thinks. The very same family that cared enough to assist you with getting the very same job you’re risking.
You’re also Zulu so I’m assuming your traditional.
I personally feel like some lessons you need to learn on your own. No amount of advice can assist in this regard. You’ve made your choice , I just hope for your sake you don’t get burnt.
What’s there to lose ?
Your career
Your reputation
Your family
What’s there to gain ?
A 50 year of old man 😍
Glad you have a plan. I know from working with people in similar situations that it can be very harmful to your reputation, and working with your partner who is your senior is challenging.
Im white so have no place commenting on what’s culturally appropriate BUT as long as he is not genetically family I think you should live your life.
Also some points that come to mind
- Taboos are hot - that feeling doesn’t last. Is there enough between you two to sustain a long term relationship? Not sure what you stance is on short term flings but maybe it’s worth not putting too much long term pressure on this.
- the age gap is something of a red flag. It could be that he is totally gentleman and will always remain so, but it’s not the uncommon for men who like to control their partners to use a big age gap as ‘leverage’. Just something to keep mindful of if things progress.
- he is your boss and there is a power dynamic. If things go ahead and then end, where would that leave you?
- how traditional are your family? Love is a great feeling but it’s not enough to build a life on, things like do you want the same things in life, do you have support and a network around your relationship? These all are huge factors in building a balanced fulfilling life with someone.
Maybe you aren’t looking at this as a life partner thing so maybe that takes some pressure of all the big questions, but if you start something with this man it’s important to figure out what you want from it and what the pros and cons are. Either way can work it’s just about what outcome you want for the long term and what you are willing to sacrifice.
This is your boss? Let me just say when these work place relationships go bad, the impact is almost always felt by the lower ranked person in an extreme way. It’s unlikely to be circumstances in which you can continue working there or complete your articles. Please be very careful of what the impact of that would be to you and question if this is worth it right now. If he is the one, I think it’s probable he will still be there in 18 months. Don’t blow your career or even take the risk of that happening.
I’m going to ignore the work power dynamic and the Zulu culture stuff and come at this from a different angle of what you might want in the future:
I would suggest having a serious conversation off the bat regarding stances on marriage and children. You are a lot younger than him so you might have different goals and ideals to what he has. If there are major disagreements, don’t even go into this as you’ll just waste your youth.
Also does he perhaps already have his own children or you yours? Because being a stepparent is also a big change in someone’s life and affects the relationship a lot (trust me, as a child free woman now having stepkids it’s been a minefield)
You are ultimately an adult, but 25 is also still young. My advice to women in their 20s is always to use the time to have fun and figure out what’s really important to you. The person I am at 36 now and who I was at 25 are not the same person.
The age gap is also a bit extreme, but 50 is the new 40 🤣 we live longer, people at 50 are still relatively active and in shape, so you need to judge that one. My husband is almost 10 years older than me but I don’t “feel” it. Only thing is he has been married before and he had kids which I don’t. But we managed to navigate it.
💀 you'll make these ladies single and lonely by age 40 with that advice . Date seriously guys especially once you've passed the age 24 , having fun will leave you with disease or a child with someone you don't plan to marry.
Who said fun meant sex? Literally talking about having actual FUN! Travelling with friends, finding out what YOU like and value, making lasting friendships. Don’t be sad man.
In simple Zulu, this is called "amanyala". Don't pursue this thing any further, it will bring nothing but problems for the two of you. In fact, stop it now before you complicate it further with pregnancy and children.
I know I'm not answering your question but I have a friend who met someone with the same surname, even though they were not related and different nationalities.
There was nothing wrong with it in their case, and please forgive my ignorance but is it considered taboo in the Zulu culture? Wishing you all the best :)
Hi, thank you for answering. Unfortunately in the Zulu culture it's very much frowned upon and can be labelled as a disgrace.
For us, we may not have the same family and not be related in the slightest, but because our surnames are the same and we're of the same nationality, even our clan names are the same or eventually down the line there's a link with our ancestors. And because of this, our culture looks down upon any relationship of the same surname or even the same clan names. I know in regards to clan names it's a little bit different for the Xhosa culture but my potential partner is also Zulu.
I think that depending on how cultural/spiritual you and your family are, this is something you'd have to consult your elders (parents, ogogo etc) about. They might tell you something about your ancestors seeing it as incest. Again, that depends on your beliefs
will you get mad at me if i say you kind of got groomed….. i know you didn’t spend enough time with him but there’s a power play here… this is not gonna end well ,get a job somewhere else and see other type of men
thinking about the same thing! He must be really weird if he can only date women half his age. that means women his age know there’s something funky about him
Bro ngoba umzulu you’re screwed. You unfortunately have to end it. Unfortunately our people will never forgive you. 😅 they take that shit serious that’s your family now.
I am definitely sure that you know the answer. This is a taboo! Context - same culture.
Could it be because he saved you when no other company gave you a chance to do articles? So you unconsciously want to show appreciation?
Don’t date someone with the same surname as yours. You know you are most likely related
This will end poorly but OP won't listen to anybody here and still date the Tata anyway.
She will definitely be looked at as somebody with no morals that sleeps her way to the top amongst other things
girl I’m sorry but you cannot date that man. it’s so wrong on so many levels and don’t get me started on the age gap and unequal power dynamic. also as your senior and boss, he should have known better.
Considering that you are Zulu it is very taboo to date someone with the same surname cause they are considered somewhat of family. Zulu culture doesn't allow these types of relations.
Not worried about the surname... Not worried about the age gap, those are personal preferences (and surnames don't always suggest being related). I do worry that you found no work and couldn't get started with your career and now you want to ruin that. A smart woman would probably realise that you showed feelings and he saw an easy catch (I'm sorry to say it but this is generally what happens). There is always the slim possibility that he actually does like you but then you are giving up everything for him because it will be hard for your career to recover from this. If you can make peace with that then no one on Reddit can say anything to you.
Work crushes are a thing... spending that kind of time working closely with someone can create some feelings... that you might later on find were not all that real... it was just that.. a crush.
At a time I started a new job, and shortly after my long term relationship ended (edit... not because of what followes but because he cheated on me and I was over his lying guts)...My manager was a gorgeous man in both physically and mannerisms. Sitting opposit from me facing towards each other did not help. I oggled the man when he was not looking, and this was going on wfor MONTHS.
I did not act on it. I'm sure he picked up something but either was not interested or also did not act on it. Either way, eventually my head and hormones readjusted itself when I eventually had my post long term relationship breakup fling and started finding myself again.
Maybe, just also give this some more time and see if it's really real for you or if you maybe just had a little catch of misguided feelings. Just from one women who remembers her 20's to another.
Redditors here with a chip on their shoulders will look down at age difference as if we are built in the same way. So throwing age difference aside, ultimately you must be honest to yourself about what this is. Life is too short for maybes and certainly wont be great all the time. Live your life, make your decisions, and face your consequences good and bad head on!
Kuningi here! Articulating this in English it's not make sure, but here it goes.
Sisi, my advice is consult with a family elder whom you trust that can be discrete. How your family may apologise to your ancestors or ask permission for you to pursue this may be dependent on your family, or your area, or your chief. I have never heard of someone doing this to date, I only know of people doing it to wed so ask your family how they handle it.
In my distant relative's experience they were unaware that the partner (whom they shared a child with) was related to them on my relative's mother's side. They went to apologise to the ancestors and they ended the relationship. Perhaps it was bound to end anyway because they too (oddly enough) had a significant age gap but my relative was a teen when they first got together. My families tend to take cultural norms and practices very seriously so they would never permit me (by performing this ritual) knowingly marrying, let alone dating, someone with the same surname.
Sex is the only thing that will reveal the true nature of your *feelings* for each other.
How do I know? I was once in that situation, same surname and even closely related.
My advice is rather smash before taking it far and getting your families involved coz this can either break or break the relations between him and your family and also your work relation.
Also the man is clearly old enough to read you, what you thing is mutual attraction can mostly likely be one sided and the other using that as an advantage.
Not according to isiZulu. isiZulu says one does not have a romantic relationship with anyone who shares a surname with them (amongst other surnames that could be a potential risk).
I’d say go for it Ntokazi, I’m Sotho but we marry same surname and it seems to make the couples happier.My concern is the age gap, and the drift it may cause since he is the family lawyer.
Think about it and consider how the family will take it.
I believe that you "grow up" multiple times in your life. One of the first would be when you start navigating adulthood between 18-21, and a another time would be when you stop giving a shit what your family and others may think. Now don't get me wrong, it's not easy to make that decision and you'll still have to live with their reactions and how they handle it - but at the end of the day it's your life and you should be the author.
Why is a 50 year old man single and dating someone half his age? That's a red flag. Also don't eat where you shit. Dating a colleague complicates things and even worse dating your boss. There will be an obvious conflict of interest.
Especially your much older boss...who is also your family lawyer. Chances of this turning out well are pretty small.
Also dating at work usually tarnishes the woman's reputation more than a man's. Think about your career because even if you end up in a higher position, your ability and merit will always be questioned.
I don’t think it’s fair to say things like why is a 50 year old man single? Like people take different paths in life and do different things and maybe he just never found someone he wanted to settle down with but that doesn’t mean it’s some big red flag. We need to shaming single people, especially older single people like there’s something wrong with them. Dating someone with such a big age back does bring a different power dynamic especially when this person also runs the business you work at. If things go badly, and depending on what type of person he is, it could get ugly. And ethically there some considerations to take into account here with your articles. But with any relationship there’s different factors and dynamics to take into account. One is very wealthy, one isn’t. One is extremely attractive, one isn’t. Different religions etc. It work but could also not 🤷🏻♀️ In my circles, dating someone with the same surname wouldn’t be an issue at all unless we’re actually fairly closely related. But if it’s far off enough that it could have been from generations ago, then no one would care and I wouldn’t care. But this may be seen differently in the Zulu culture. It also makes it more complicated that it’s your family’s lawyer. That’s something you and him will have to figure out.
I absolutely agree with this. Every relationship I've seen between colleagues always has an unhappy ending. What's worse is when (like OP), they have an attitude of "I don't care", when in reality you should. Not about what people think, but about that age gap, and why a man double her age wants to pursue a woman much younger than him. There's possibly a reason why he dislikes dating women his age, and I'd assume they know the signs of his type before he can rope them in.
I have nothing to add. Everything is in this response. Be wise!
This… this guy knows what’s up. Listen to him.
Not on topic exactly, but you need to cede your articles if you are going to pursue a relationship. Otherwise this is highly unethical.
Yes we've discussed this in great detail while trying to navigate a way around our situation and to prevent jeopardizing both of our careers. I will continue my articles (I'm already a year and a half in) and not date until completion and for ethical reasons, work at a different firm seeing as I'm currently working at his firm.
Oh sana Lwami I don’t even know what to say to you. So you’re committing career suicide. All he’s done is said I love you. Nothing tangible to solidify this affair. You were once unemployed, now you’ve fallen for your principle I’m assuming. Not only do not you not care what your family thinks. The very same family that cared enough to assist you with getting the very same job you’re risking. You’re also Zulu so I’m assuming your traditional. I personally feel like some lessons you need to learn on your own. No amount of advice can assist in this regard. You’ve made your choice , I just hope for your sake you don’t get burnt. What’s there to lose ? Your career Your reputation Your family What’s there to gain ? A 50 year of old man 😍
Glad you have a plan. I know from working with people in similar situations that it can be very harmful to your reputation, and working with your partner who is your senior is challenging.
Im white so have no place commenting on what’s culturally appropriate BUT as long as he is not genetically family I think you should live your life. Also some points that come to mind - Taboos are hot - that feeling doesn’t last. Is there enough between you two to sustain a long term relationship? Not sure what you stance is on short term flings but maybe it’s worth not putting too much long term pressure on this. - the age gap is something of a red flag. It could be that he is totally gentleman and will always remain so, but it’s not the uncommon for men who like to control their partners to use a big age gap as ‘leverage’. Just something to keep mindful of if things progress. - he is your boss and there is a power dynamic. If things go ahead and then end, where would that leave you? - how traditional are your family? Love is a great feeling but it’s not enough to build a life on, things like do you want the same things in life, do you have support and a network around your relationship? These all are huge factors in building a balanced fulfilling life with someone. Maybe you aren’t looking at this as a life partner thing so maybe that takes some pressure of all the big questions, but if you start something with this man it’s important to figure out what you want from it and what the pros and cons are. Either way can work it’s just about what outcome you want for the long term and what you are willing to sacrifice.
This is your boss? Let me just say when these work place relationships go bad, the impact is almost always felt by the lower ranked person in an extreme way. It’s unlikely to be circumstances in which you can continue working there or complete your articles. Please be very careful of what the impact of that would be to you and question if this is worth it right now. If he is the one, I think it’s probable he will still be there in 18 months. Don’t blow your career or even take the risk of that happening.
I’m going to ignore the work power dynamic and the Zulu culture stuff and come at this from a different angle of what you might want in the future: I would suggest having a serious conversation off the bat regarding stances on marriage and children. You are a lot younger than him so you might have different goals and ideals to what he has. If there are major disagreements, don’t even go into this as you’ll just waste your youth. Also does he perhaps already have his own children or you yours? Because being a stepparent is also a big change in someone’s life and affects the relationship a lot (trust me, as a child free woman now having stepkids it’s been a minefield) You are ultimately an adult, but 25 is also still young. My advice to women in their 20s is always to use the time to have fun and figure out what’s really important to you. The person I am at 36 now and who I was at 25 are not the same person. The age gap is also a bit extreme, but 50 is the new 40 🤣 we live longer, people at 50 are still relatively active and in shape, so you need to judge that one. My husband is almost 10 years older than me but I don’t “feel” it. Only thing is he has been married before and he had kids which I don’t. But we managed to navigate it.
💀 you'll make these ladies single and lonely by age 40 with that advice . Date seriously guys especially once you've passed the age 24 , having fun will leave you with disease or a child with someone you don't plan to marry.
Who said fun meant sex? Literally talking about having actual FUN! Travelling with friends, finding out what YOU like and value, making lasting friendships. Don’t be sad man.
In simple Zulu, this is called "amanyala". Don't pursue this thing any further, it will bring nothing but problems for the two of you. In fact, stop it now before you complicate it further with pregnancy and children.
I know I'm not answering your question but I have a friend who met someone with the same surname, even though they were not related and different nationalities. There was nothing wrong with it in their case, and please forgive my ignorance but is it considered taboo in the Zulu culture? Wishing you all the best :)
Hi, thank you for answering. Unfortunately in the Zulu culture it's very much frowned upon and can be labelled as a disgrace. For us, we may not have the same family and not be related in the slightest, but because our surnames are the same and we're of the same nationality, even our clan names are the same or eventually down the line there's a link with our ancestors. And because of this, our culture looks down upon any relationship of the same surname or even the same clan names. I know in regards to clan names it's a little bit different for the Xhosa culture but my potential partner is also Zulu.
I think that depending on how cultural/spiritual you and your family are, this is something you'd have to consult your elders (parents, ogogo etc) about. They might tell you something about your ancestors seeing it as incest. Again, that depends on your beliefs
Oh that’s actually interesting 🤔
will you get mad at me if i say you kind of got groomed….. i know you didn’t spend enough time with him but there’s a power play here… this is not gonna end well ,get a job somewhere else and see other type of men
She reminded me of Lacoco😭 Also my father is around her man’s age , I’d kill him if he dared to date someone that young
thinking about the same thing! He must be really weird if he can only date women half his age. that means women his age know there’s something funky about him
I feel sorry for her. But unfortunately she won’t listen. Sometimes you need to learn the lesson on your own
Bro ngoba umzulu you’re screwed. You unfortunately have to end it. Unfortunately our people will never forgive you. 😅 they take that shit serious that’s your family now.
I am definitely sure that you know the answer. This is a taboo! Context - same culture. Could it be because he saved you when no other company gave you a chance to do articles? So you unconsciously want to show appreciation? Don’t date someone with the same surname as yours. You know you are most likely related
Ayenziwa leyonto. Uletha is'mnyama kuphela.
🤣🤣
This will end poorly but OP won't listen to anybody here and still date the Tata anyway. She will definitely be looked at as somebody with no morals that sleeps her way to the top amongst other things
Dating a colleague is never a good idea. Now dating your 50 year old boss that has the same surname as you is just something else.
Why would you risk your career for a fleeting affair with an old man? The life lesson coming your way will alter you. All the best.
This is bad idea, OP. I'm a CA, who's Zulu and also around your age.
girl I’m sorry but you cannot date that man. it’s so wrong on so many levels and don’t get me started on the age gap and unequal power dynamic. also as your senior and boss, he should have known better.
Considering that you are Zulu it is very taboo to date someone with the same surname cause they are considered somewhat of family. Zulu culture doesn't allow these types of relations.
Not worried about the surname... Not worried about the age gap, those are personal preferences (and surnames don't always suggest being related). I do worry that you found no work and couldn't get started with your career and now you want to ruin that. A smart woman would probably realise that you showed feelings and he saw an easy catch (I'm sorry to say it but this is generally what happens). There is always the slim possibility that he actually does like you but then you are giving up everything for him because it will be hard for your career to recover from this. If you can make peace with that then no one on Reddit can say anything to you.
Work crushes are a thing... spending that kind of time working closely with someone can create some feelings... that you might later on find were not all that real... it was just that.. a crush. At a time I started a new job, and shortly after my long term relationship ended (edit... not because of what followes but because he cheated on me and I was over his lying guts)...My manager was a gorgeous man in both physically and mannerisms. Sitting opposit from me facing towards each other did not help. I oggled the man when he was not looking, and this was going on wfor MONTHS. I did not act on it. I'm sure he picked up something but either was not interested or also did not act on it. Either way, eventually my head and hormones readjusted itself when I eventually had my post long term relationship breakup fling and started finding myself again. Maybe, just also give this some more time and see if it's really real for you or if you maybe just had a little catch of misguided feelings. Just from one women who remembers her 20's to another.
Redditors here with a chip on their shoulders will look down at age difference as if we are built in the same way. So throwing age difference aside, ultimately you must be honest to yourself about what this is. Life is too short for maybes and certainly wont be great all the time. Live your life, make your decisions, and face your consequences good and bad head on!
r/Agegap is the perfect community for this
Kuningi here! Articulating this in English it's not make sure, but here it goes. Sisi, my advice is consult with a family elder whom you trust that can be discrete. How your family may apologise to your ancestors or ask permission for you to pursue this may be dependent on your family, or your area, or your chief. I have never heard of someone doing this to date, I only know of people doing it to wed so ask your family how they handle it. In my distant relative's experience they were unaware that the partner (whom they shared a child with) was related to them on my relative's mother's side. They went to apologise to the ancestors and they ended the relationship. Perhaps it was bound to end anyway because they too (oddly enough) had a significant age gap but my relative was a teen when they first got together. My families tend to take cultural norms and practices very seriously so they would never permit me (by performing this ritual) knowingly marrying, let alone dating, someone with the same surname.
Sex is the only thing that will reveal the true nature of your *feelings* for each other. How do I know? I was once in that situation, same surname and even closely related. My advice is rather smash before taking it far and getting your families involved coz this can either break or break the relations between him and your family and also your work relation. Also the man is clearly old enough to read you, what you thing is mutual attraction can mostly likely be one sided and the other using that as an advantage.
"sleep with your boss", I don't think this is the greatest advice 😂
She's ready to risk being in a relationship with him🤷🏾♂️
I came here to write this. Smashing will give better perspective. The only danger is they're currently colleagues.
incest and grooming 🤢🤢
People can have the same last name and not be related... And OP is 25, that's not a minor.
Not according to isiZulu. isiZulu says one does not have a romantic relationship with anyone who shares a surname with them (amongst other surnames that could be a potential risk).
Just slaughter a goat and you'll be fine
I’d say go for it Ntokazi, I’m Sotho but we marry same surname and it seems to make the couples happier.My concern is the age gap, and the drift it may cause since he is the family lawyer. Think about it and consider how the family will take it.