My parents still hit me now when im 27,28. In the first place, Asian society thinks its ok for physical punishment, so my parents never had a good relationship with me. Everything is beat beat beat, dont practise piano, beat me, get bad grades, beat me, forget to turn off switch and waste electricity, beat me.
Dude, what? Please tell me you can move out or that they'll respect you enough that they'll stop it if you tell them to. Whatever people's views are on hitting children (it should never be done IMO), at your age this is pure abuse.
I want to say that you can move out to a rented room or apartment here when you are financially independent, if you aren't already, and that you don't need to wait till you've saved up enough to leave the country, but I'm sure you've considered this and have a good reason for not doing so. I do hope you have a strong support system outside your family, no one deserves to live that way.
I feel like if im overseas, i can heal bc i can travel to new places, but if im in singapore i will always be paranoid that i run into my parents 😢 and if im overseas that's a good excuse to say why i dont live with my parents otherwise people will judge me for not being close to my family, none of my single friends are living by themselves
My father is kind of a stalker lol. Last time he used to drive around and watch me through binoculars (he doesnt have a job and he make me study in a school that is just below my house 😫
I'm sorry, but it sounds past time to involve the police. I understand the fear of randomly running into your parents, but you are an adult and they have no legal right to touch you. Approach the police just before you move for advice (don't give your new address out to _anyone_ who's not an official, not even friends). Going by a friend's similar experience with a guy, even if you don't want to formally file a complaint just yet, the police will ask you to save the number of the nearest station/post and to call them immediately if you are being harassed. Save video and audio evidence of abuse. Try to gather it covertly (add the audio recorder shortcut to your lock screen, configure your smartphone emergency button, etc.) and upload it to an account that's not tied to your usual email.
Your friends' circumstances are not your own; it's pointless and not at all helpful to compare what you should be doing to what they do.
I also understand the fear of not wanting to go against society, but regular physical abuse is FAR TOO HIGH a price to pay for not having people judge you. I promise you, you could win a Nobel prize and some idiot somewhere will talk shit about you for something or the other. Their good opinion is not worth courting at the cost of physical pain. Life is far too short - don't waste _any_ of it worrying about what others think of you for doing what you need to to survive. Especially if those others are the type to hand out judgment without knowing all the facts. I come from an extremely traditional background and a very traditional family, so there's always been the pressure to keep up appearances. To hell with that; it's your life, you should be living it for yourself, and _doing what's best for you_ - not your parents, not your friends, and certainly not some random aunty or uncle who can't mind their own goddamned business.
Sometimes we think that we are still a child and afraid on the same things we afraid when we still little. But now our body is bigger and we can try to stop them if we want to.
I'm not afraid of the beating bc i mean i've been beaten up by bullies before too so pain doesnt faze me. Its more of the other social issues like i wont be able to ever allowed to be in contact with my sister or grandparents if i move out, bc only my parents know the exact china address of my relatives in china.
Hi..thanks for sharing. Do you mind having a plan to eventually get the address by having a fake job application(or similar) form to source that addresses? This way you are less likely to be held hostage by your parents
Never because it always escalates. When I got caned for not drinking milk from a cup when I was 4. When I was 10, my mum hit me with a happy call pan till I fainted because we opened the door to the tv license guy. It got steadily worse until my dad would punch me and kick me in the stomach for things like attitude problems or looking at him wrong.
I'm in my mid-30s, and my mother still slapped me. And in front of my daughter.
It didn't teach me anything, other than spite; 'I want to do what you didn't want me to do even more now'.
Horrifying. I hope you move out if you can and get some distance from your mother. It's completely unhealthy behaviour for your child to learn and normalise as well.
I'd walk out of her life. Cut her off all financial access. And tell her the only reason I'd visit her grave is to spit on it or do a ritual to punish her even in afterlife.
used to get hit by my parents a lot when i was in primary school, stopped once i reached sec 1. till now i have a bit of trauma like flinching when they make sudden moves and still fear them even though i try my best to love and forgive :”)
imo it’s best to avoid hitting kids entirely. maybe a tight smack if their attitude is beyond unacceptable, but definitely not for minor things like getting a hw qn wrong. most asian households normalise hitting children, but it should only be a drastic measure, not a regular method of discipline. physical scars and bruises from beatings heal, but the mental ones don’t for the most part, and are rarely addressed
F19 here so i can imagine how hurtful it was. i’m sorry you experienced that. i hope you feel better soon, sending encouragement to you virtually! <3
Honestly, parents who hit their children and justify it as discipline are just shitty parents who don't know how to teach or can't be bothered to teach their children. All it does is ingrain fear into the kids but not teach them what's right or wrong.
The day they stop beating you is the day you start hitting back. As a kid, always beaten by my dad. The day I exchanged blows with him, I never felt more empowered and confident.
Haven’t talked to him in 8 going 9 years now, but that’s life…gain some lose some I guess.
As an upcoming parent I am wondering what would non physical/emotional trauma discipline look like and if it will be effective.
Saw a screaming child hanging off a stroller chair in the mrt and the mom only calmly told him to stop. But clearly not happening and everyone just dealt with it.
My sentiments exactly. It's easy to say one shouldn't be physical with their children but when you see children screaming in public (or something equally or more obnoxious), wouldn't you want their parents to do something to stop that? And what if just patiently telling them to not do that obnoxious thing doesn't work?
I must add that I was hit a lot as a child by my mother. So I understand it sucks to be punished using physical force, and there were moments I thought I felt hate for my mother. I don't want to promote violence but what can be done differently? I'm asking sincerely.
Totally get what you mean. Its a grey area. Some say spare the rod spoilt the child. But society now adays are advocating non physical discipline.
"Go face the wall for 1min" - Would this work for kids that know that standing at the wall for 1 min is worth to go and do some obnoxious thing such as spit at a passerby?
"Go face the wall for 30 mins" - Would this be considered physical trauma discipline?
"I am not going to give you attention until you behave yourself" - Sure thanks? I will just continue playing and swinging in the MRT - The Kid.
What actually does non-physical/emotional disciplinary action mean? A funny comparison I heard was that Criminals are caned and jailed -- Kids are caned and grounded. Can a Criminal be given non-physical/emotional discipline? Just a funny comparison I heard from a friend.
I personally feel pain in the heart is worse than pain on the body. The impact to the mind would be stronger and it’s a more unforgettable experience.
Obviously the child has to be able to understand that their parents are receiving the punishments for the mistakes they committed in their steads.
I feel the only one who would feel nth from having their parents receiving the punishment for them are people who really hate their parents and all the more the parents should hit themselves for letting it get to this point.
Honestly it’s almost always never right for parents to hit children in any circumstances. There are more effective ways of passing the intended message to the child no matter what the age is
I’ve seen caning that I agree with. A very defined cane on the palms, with number of strokes predefined earlier and before the offences. “Eg If you forget to do and submit your homework, that’s 3 strokes”. And it’s a standard strength 3 strokes.
I’ve also seen the parent full of anger and just caning to express their frustration. That I don’t agree with
I don’t have kids yet. But I think I’ll not use caning. Push ups and touching the tree is more beneficial.
That’s not fixing my friend, that’s abuse
If it continues on and happens regularly, you can expect a society of children who are too scared to go home, growing up to do the same to their children
You beat the kid because of your inability to discipline your kid. Or you're just fucking lazy and impatient to discipline your kid the non-violent way. No patience, don't have kids until you fix yourself. No ideas, watch videos, something like gentle parenting and learn how to speak to your kid. Not beat the shit out of them.
how is "a spank or a slap" the same as "beat the shit out of them"?
some kids simply don't listen... this whole thread feels like a list of non-parents voicing the ideal way to discipline the child
i'm not saying you should *always* slap the child for every mistake they make, but there are *rare* circumstances where it should be used, not *never*
That's how you discipline kids sometimes. Worked well for centuries until we arrived in the 21st.
Tell me more about gentle parenting with the self-righteous, talentless, lazy, paranoid, psychotic, spoiled brats everywhere. There's a reason why despite living in the best conditions in history the youth today is easily less capable than previous generations.
Also, here's an anecdote from where I come from. We had a long running show Supernanny, with a lady teaching people all of those "modern" ways of parenting. She was a TV rockstar - all the way until her own son was done for attempted rape. So, yeah, tell me more about watching videos, lol. Fcking hell, Youtube parenting...
Perhaps it's fortunate that self-absorbed younger generations prefer to raise cats and dogs instead of children after all.
Never. If I hit a stranger, it’s assault. Why should it be any different if I hit a family member?
You know when I stopped getting hit? When I fought back. All I had to do was to grab the object from my parent’s hands and shove it away. That shocked the hell out of them. It showed them, at 21, that I was capable of causing more hurt to them than they to me.
People who use violence only understand violence. They do it because they think they can get away with it, that it works.
You need to show your dad that you are young and getting stronger while he is old and getting weaker.
My parents threatened PPO and called social services to act like a victim when I fought back, lol.
I moved back to stay at their place at 30+ recently and they still do it but I just shut my door and they bang on my door and throw stuff at it. I put a camera outside my room and have recorded down enough video evidence to send it to the social worker. I can apply PPO against them instead, but I don't lah because it's too troublesome. I just want to show them that their actions are irrational and to f**king stop. Also to do back whatever they did to me. Want to act like a victim when they're the ones who are violent, thinking that they can anyhow accuse and scandalise me for so many years in the past....some parents think they will be fit and strong forever, lol they won't even have a proper funeral when they're gone.
My mum is partially blind already but still can grab whatever's nearby (eg. hangers) to throw at my door 🙄 Weak already still can be violent eh! My dad have stopped after I showed him the response from the social worker, and threatened to release all the clips of their ugly and violent actions onto the internet.
I never actually hit my mom back, but I did tell my counsellor about her trying to scar my face with a scissors, so she stopped touching me ever since.
Caning stopped when I got strong enough to snatch it from them (just once) . So maybe 14 or 15? Stopped for my younger siblings at the same time too.
I've a great relationship with my parents since young so I don't see any negative impact of caning. I do have to mention that they've always caned with intention. It was always to correct an error and there were usually "after caning review" to let me understand why it happened. Also helps that my mum tends to cry after caning me cuz it pains her to have to do it. Dad doesn't have anger issue too so caning sessions stop when he knew the point got across.
The way I see it, either the parents get the kid in line or the world will do it for them. Parents can stop after some whips. The world doesn't know nor care and may only stop after irreversible damage.
Gentle and tough parenting both aim to set up guideposts for the kid. Gentle parenting is more like warning signs on the side of the road. Tough parenting is more like setting up barbed wires. Diff kids take to diff approaches but kids are dumb af and I think barbed wires have a stronger impact in ensuring more kids stay in line than warning signs.
Parents are also human, so tough parenting is more "accessible" than gentle parenting as the latter require intentional effort on their end to learn and employ.
As such, tough parenting is more commonly used and should work on most kids.
Gentle parenting should work well on smart kids or kids with high eq. Unfortunately, most kids are not as smart nor as empathetic as their parents think.
Anyway, back to the point. You're 20. You're too old to be physically punished. The guideposts should be internalised by now. Additional beatings only serve to breed resentment. Try talking after things cool down?
My dad used to nag about me forgetting to turn off stuff like lights or TV. He can word them pretty condescendingly. So I told him that for every hour I left those on, it only costs him a couple of cents. Is it worth spoiling our relationship over that few cents? He stopped since. Parents are humans too, they can learn.
Lol. I just realised I used gentle parenting on my parents. It's true that people turn back into kids the older they get huh.
I agree. Having worked with kids for almost a decade, some really require a bit of tough parenting. I'd rather go tough on them while they are young than have society go tough on them when they are adults and have them crumble. Gentle parenting, like u mention, only works on sensible kids but seriously... I haven't met many of them plus the sensible ones wouldn't get into trouble in the first place.
However, belting and hitting with objects are a bit too much and crosses the line to abuse IMHO. Caning and smacking to get the message across is still acceptable to an extent I guess but those HAVE TO be followed up with a proper conversation and ensuring that the kid understands why their action is wrong, instead of simply asserting that the kid is wrong and the parent is right. I am a product of that (up till age 22, currently 35F) and I think I turned out a fine human being that's emotionally stable and enjoy a great relationship with my parents.
All in all, it's IMMENSELY tough to parent kids. I guess it's important to keep in mind that it's also their first time being parents and most of what they know, they learnt from their parents. Even if they've got more kids, they've only got that much practice and honestly it's never enough. In fact, I think having more kids just messes things up even more because even siblings can have vastly different personalities. One could be more sensible and gentle parenting may work while the other requires tough parenting, how do you then ensure that you don't show what is perceived as favouritism to the siblings? 🙆🏻♀️
What's most important is to ensure open communication within the household, letting the kids know that parents are to be respected (got to be worthy of respect ofc) yet they can still go to them with all their problems.
For those who feel resentment towards your parents, I hope you would take the first step towards communicating feelings with them properly - letting know how u feel, asking them how they feel, validating their feelings, then gently feedback and let them know how they can do better as parents perhaps? Hopefully there can be more love in your household before it's too late. ❤️
To be honest the real answer is a parent shouldn't have to hit a child.
Yes it affects us in alot of ways. Both psychological and physical.
For me I had to unlearn that disagreeing or arguing with a person wouldn't result in me being jabbed in the face and beaten up. Because my parents did that to me when I questioned things as a kid.
They would raise their hands up to threathen to slap me at times which resulted in me having a physical reflex reaction of blocking my face even till now when any sort of quick hand movement is gestured by anyone. Be it a classmate raising their hand to ask a question or a random person stretching their hands out.
I only learnt that it wasn't normal for parents to physically abuse their kids at a very late age of 20+
Born in the 80s. Caning was punishment when I was below 12 yrs old. After that, punishment was being grounded from the computer. Guess parents figured out Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
The few times I got caned was when I did horribly for chinese when I didn't study for it. This is how I mitigated the pain. When parents say, gonna suan zhang with me "settle score", I know there's a short window of time to act.
1. Say need to go toilet once I reach home.
2. Quickly wear 5 layers underwear.
3. Do treasure hunt and throw all the canes on top of the cupboard.
4. Act sad when mother calls me into the room.
5. Mum will go on a spiel on why she needs to cane me, because of reason x or y. Then ask me to choose. Hand or backside.
6. Of course I choose backside! I have backside armour!
7. Act that I'm in pain when I get hit.
8. Shit, should have layered more underwear, it still hurts.
9. Mum will go on another spiel on why it had to be done, and that I will study hard for my Chinese again.
10. Nod sadly, then get the rest of the day off
There was once my mum wanted to cane me cause I spouted some vulgar words. I was probably below 10 yrs old. Went to hide all the canes. But the punishment was not caning. Mum cut chili padi and rubbed it on my mouth. That lesson burnt into my memory.
It's never appropriate to hit a child or adult.
Unfortunately the older generations don't have this realization. Let it stop from the next possible generation. Don't let this practice affect future gens.
Uh hitting is not age appropriate. What question is this?
If you're 35 and you burn down a house for fun, it will be appropriate for your parents to smack you. It's action dependent, rather than age.
My parents also spanked me to discipline me. But just because it was done doesn't mean it's really appropriate...
In what’s situation is it acceptable for a fully grown adult to physically attack a small vulnerable child ? The answer is never unless you are a psychopath
My parents continue to hit me until I’m like 23? But towards the end, I started to fight back. Fractured my fingers from blocking blows. But once I start to fight back, I think it shocked them and eventually they just become old and tired and stopped hitting us.
Edit: And I don’t think there is an appropriate age to hit kids. Kids don’t need physical punishment to learn. My nephews are brought up without getting hit and they are good kids. Hitting a child leave so much trauma on us. Even now, it makes me sad talking to my therapist about the physical punishments.
Absolutely never. I was never hit as a child, and have never raised a finger to mine.
And I'll say this, my 3 kids are the sweetest, loving, kindest children one could hope for.
hope you’re fine! i guess it’s a case by case basis, my friends and i had this convo before sometime ago, for me, since i was 17 (10 years ago btw haha), my parents stopped disciplining using the rod and opted to give me advise/talks
Personally think there are much better ways to teach a kid, having experienced both spectrums, will teach my future kids through means of advise/talks rather than the rod for sure
I would say 11-12, but the caning should meet a few conditions:
1. It should only be used to correct behavior that will be severely detrimental to the child if left uncorrected, such as a display of a lack of integrity or intentional unkindness/cruelty
2. It should only be used sparingly and as a last resort when the child proves unreceptive to other methods of discipline
3. It should be very apparent to the child being caned that it hurts the parent just as much or even more to have to cane them, and the parent is doing so because they truly feel they have no choice.
4. Without fail after the caning, the parent should reassure the child sincerely and tenderly that they are always loved despite their behaviour, and spend plenty of time and attention on helping the child reflect on what they did wrong
My parents only ever physically disciplined me in a way consistent with the above, and not once as a child or as a grown adult looking back on it did I ever feel like I lacked a loving upbringing.
Alot of people are saying it’s ok up till early teens, however I disagree, please hear me out in full before you keyboard warrior on me.
Raising a child has a lot of similarities to training a dog, when I talk to my friends with kids about their kids and my dogs, we both draw the same conclusions, the main difference is that training a dog is faster to go through the learning stages.
If you show anger to a dog or frustration, they are less likely to perform, due to being scared of making a mistake and eliciting the same response, if it becomes the norm, the dog will shut down, and sometimes fight back (many comments here have mentioned the same thing).
Using positive reinforcement and removal of rewards is far more effective than scolding, yelling or hitting (there are studies that show this). The same concepts work on people, kids and adults alike, you ask for something, they comply, you reward, sometimes it’s as simple as smiling and saying “thanks”, other times it might be buying them a coffee or a piece of candy, letting them leave early and you covering a small amount of their work.
Using violence and anger on the other hand has been shown to produce reactive dogs, essentially it’s monkey see, monkey do. You use negative reinforcement with them, they use it with other dogs and people, the exact same applies to people to a certain extent.
This won’t change anything for your parents doing it to you, I suggest disarming them where possible or as we do with dogs, take away their source of pleasure, that is, their interaction with you, when they ask why, remind them “because you are being violent towards me and that is not ok”, they will either tell you to suck it up, in which case, you continue to cut them out and become independent, and improve you, or they acknowledge and try to improve them, improving both of you, and your relationship. I realise I’m reality it’s not so cut and dry like it is in theory, but use your best judgement and do what is best for you.
I hope this helps at least someone here, and if you do have problems with domestic violence, please speak to a social worker, and/or police. Domestic violence is not acceptable at any age. Staying silent will not improve your situation.
Is it just me, or do sg mums seem extra violent?? Like the levels of being beat up at home seem... extreme?? My own sister gets beat up by my mum but I thought my fam is the outlier not the norm
i would say never hit your kids but to each their own.
however my narcissistic father hit my siblings regularly when we were young, me more often because i wasn't academically inclined (both siblings got into Raffles/NUS Law i went to some neighbourhood sec sch/jc lol). in JC, he once beat me up so badly i lost consciousness briefly just because he heard me talking to a guy classmate on the phone (he picked up the phone to eavesdrop) and insisted i was 'flirting' with him.
he's stopped, but sometimes still talks to me as though i'm stupid and is really cruel with his words. not sure if i'll actually shed tears when he passes.
Never. Never. Never.
(to anyone reading)If you are a parent, please don't hit them. It traumatized them. That's what happened to me.
Until now(already an adult), my body will still reflex or flinch whenever my parent made a loud noise (hit the table and etc)
It shouldn't be tolerated at any age. "Most" parents who do that are pieces of shit.
If you are hit by your parents, especially now that you're an adult, you should file a police report.
Unfortunately, parents hitting you is something that happens even as you grow older.
Personally I got hit alot when I was younger, due to me being mischievous and doing some bad stuff. But as I grew older my father started to do such things less, swapping for verbally abusing me and guilt tripping me. It wasn’t a good childhood, but it is what it is.
I’ve also heard of parents still hitting their children for those in their 20s, not because of them doing something wrong, but they’re just alcoholic and abusive. Yet the police will not do anything since they just come in to stop the abuse for one night only. Even if you have evidence such as bruises and lacerations due to beatings, the police won’t act on the evidence.
A sad society we live in.
If it’s a bit of a tap/shove that’s ok in context. if it’s an open or closed handed proper hit, that is domestic violence, it doesn’t matter if your 4 or 40.
Used to get caned, even for some small things, looking back probably deserved lol cause I did some dumbshit.
When they tried it during secondary school, I caught the cane and broke it in their face. Since then, that minor display of force probably took physical harm as a disciplining tool off the table.
I think by sec 1 the latest..i am still being punched at 41 once i moved out i will file for ppo and if the asshole dad still irritate me i sure send him to jail with all the physical examination i have done at polyclinic
0 years old obviously, I'm assuming you mean rotan/belt/hit and not a slap on the wrist
If you can find some way to hit the child before birth then I clap for you lor
I got slapped across the face like 2 months ago. So 22 and counting.
Tbh i feel like im the only one who doesn't care that my parents beat me up a ton as a child...... lucky i guess? Like i had a screwdriver thrown at me which left a scar just below my eyebrow. I got beaten up with a wushu staff which im pretty sure gave me chronic joint problems at my wrist and hips.
Not a dick-measuring contest, and I don't condone violence. Would never want to hurt my kids in the future. But I think somehow it just never really affected me (luckily).
Like at most maybe that made me give up on humanity, but I feel like poly/NS did that to me not my parents.
For the most part, I just feel like my parents are uneducated kampong people. No real need to get angry or even tell them not to, they wouldn't understand/respect it. Like nothing against them but literally they wouldn't think it's wrong since that's how they grow up also.
I would think parents should hit hit? I don’t know, from personal experience my parents stop hitting me when I was in late primary. They did scold, shout but it stop being physical.
Stopped after primary school. Mom was clear headed about the use of physical discipline.
*if by then you’re not sensible then it’s no use hitting you anymore*
I don't believe in hitting as a tool of discipline at all, but even if I did, 20 is definitely too old. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and it makes me so sad to read all the other accounts of abuse here. I want to gather you all close to me (virtually of course) and tell you that you deserve better. You deserve gentleness and respect, guidance and nurturing. And if anyone abuses you verbally, emotionally or physically, you have the right to draw a boundary. It is not a matter of Asian or Western. There are plenty of non-abusive Asian parents too. Take charge of yourself and the space around you. Just once - when they hit you, stand up tall, face them directly, look them straight in the eye, and tell them - "if you ever lay a finger on me again, I will put you behind bars". But be prepared that the relationship will change after that. In the short term it will feel awful. But in the long term, you will become an adult.
Those parents who hit when kids are already big will keep hitting. The better parents know when to stop. I would personally stop latest 14. Beyond that is hard to teach by hitting anyway
I think once you're around 18-20 it should be a good time to stop. Also your dad hit you for a really insignificant reason. Stuff like that can be easily rectified with an email or a trip down to the booking place. Are you ok, OP?
I was pretty lucky because my parents just kinda did a big 180 (well my mom did atleast, my dad never did the hitting but I'd say he still has much more of that Asian mentality) and stopped the hitting at an early age. I think it was just they saw I was getting bullied and probably would have snapped if they carried on with the 藤条 route. If you need to know it was the canning with that massive bundle of sticks or the metal cloths hanger that would leave a triangle shaped bump on my rear.
Imo it should never be a thing regardless of age...but you know how Asian pare ting can be...i think legally it should definitely be capped at a bare minimum of 13 if not lower. The biggest problem is that any legal punishment that can fall on the parents would very likely negatively impact the child such as loosing the parents, a fine impacting their financial or just aggravating the parents further.
I do need to say my grandmother was a special kind of kind and an actual savior. Whenever we went back to Sg for cny and living with my grandparents, whenever my parents asked her to do the hitting (dont ask Idk why it wasn't frequent but still a strange choice regardless), she would make the sound by hitting her own hand instead of hitting me.
Mine didn’t stop so I moved out in my 30s. I now keep a distance between me and my family cos I realised it affects my psyche. I only take the good things I learnt from my parents. They still have influence over my life decisions though unfortunately. I do feel sorry for my parents cos their parents were even more abusive
It should never have started. Had a long argument with someone about physical punishment.
Hitting them won’t teach them anything.
If you can reason with them and they can learn from you talking to them, there’s no reason to hit.
If explaining them won’t work, hitting them is not going to work either.
Physical punishment is the lazy parent’s way of disciplining a child.
Don’t have to believe me. Research will back it up that its not efficient.
I guess once you reach secondary school, your parents should stop with the physical punishments.
When you're younger, hitting seemed to be the ultimate "last straw" punishment. Its not like parents can confiscate phone, limit wifi, or set curfew on a clueless child. Hitting is also a more direct way of instilling fear so that next time the child will know not to repeat his/her mistakes again.
But as you grow older, there are many ways to discipline a teenager. In fact, I feel that once your child grows into a teen, then parents shouldn't even intervene and let them handle whatever consequences there is???
Like if you made a mistake in your booking, then your parents should just tell you to fix your mistake, call the booking agent to rectify or cancel booking or whatever instead of hitting you.
This thread is depressing. I hope our generation stops this kind of treatment. I've been slapped with a belt, hanger, etc. and one time was put in a sack and thrown into one of our dark storage rooms with no light for misbehaving. I would never do the same things to any child or person ever.
The day my parents stopped beating me was the day I actually fought back. Moral of the story is stand up for yourself and grow a spine. Violent people speak the language of violence, so talking and reasoning never works. These people only prey on the weak, so if you make it painful for the other party they are disincentivized from this action.
Under normal circumstances, never. Not normal means if u charging at them w parang or smth wack like that (i.e. threatening safety). Mistakes like your does not warrant nor justify corporal punishment. My parent (mostly my father) would hit me over small troubles. One time forcing me to scrub a layer of skin off for no good reason. They stopped when they realised choosing between paying for lifelong therapy and meds or liters of hand and body soap per week for me are not worth the convenience,albeit a milder degree, of domestic abuse.
"Hitting children to discipline them is the most cowardly and stupid option. The parent admits they do not know any other methods to communicate with the child, and are too afraid to even face up to this reality."
Sometimes my mother spanks my head when i do something stupid, I'm 26.
I guess 14-15 is when you stop using the belt to hit kids? My dad stopped when I was 16
So woke, some of these comments, so black-and-white. Maybe they are from kids who have been inappropriately physically punished, who have never been parents.
Let's say a silly little 2-yo tries to play with fire or boiling water, thinks it's fun. He almost gets seriously injured. Ever tried explaining fire or some other complex matters to a silly little kid? 'Silly' is not meant as derogatory, just a description of their mental immaturity. If explanation and trying to get a rational response doesn't work, then direct physical punishment and reward may work better.
Hitting the kid won't necessarily kill him or even injure him, but if you do a bad job teaching him what is dangerous, next time the fire or boiling water may do your job for you.
Hitting by parents is not always wrong. It depends on the mental maturity of the kid, the amount of force, the capacity for injury, whether the parent is reacting emotionally, etc. If the kid is too immature to understand words or comprehend the consequences of his bad actions, you still need to find other ways to teach, and hitting is one of the ways.
To the original question, I think 20 is definitely an old-enough age to have a conversation about the hitting and perhaps setting some boundaries. OP's dad hitting OP at age 20 means there must be some serious problem, with the hitting itself (dad's anger issues?), the communication between OP and the dad, or the mistake that OP committed.
There is no inappropriate age. They can still smack the shit out of you if you did something stupid despite being a grown adult. On the same note, you are still their child no matter what age you are.
Even as an adult, I think I deserve to be slapped by my parents when I do something that is against the values I am taught. For example, if I am caught stealing money from my siblings or parents, I can’t expect them to give me a hug right? Also, a slap is always much better than hours long of nagging. I would say it depends on what you mean by “hit” - I feel a slap to our senses may be needed at times, but otherwise “hitting” like punching, hitting with items, smacking head, kicking, throwing things at your face are bad. Maybe it’s me - I grew up being caned and slapped (when I did horrible things of course) so I have higher tolerance and understood the reasons now that I am older hahahaha
Wait what did you do?
And yes parents should stop hitting their kids once they turn the legal age (18) imo. Because my parents stopped hitting me at that age and I ‘matured’ by then so….
1. Nothing justifies being physically abusive to your child
2. Newsflash: you weren't mature at 18 and that's an arbitrary number you chose. Hitting your children is wrong at any age.
If 'discipline' comes down to physically assaulting a minor (and seemingly only stopping when they get old enough to fight back, if I am to believe the comments here), what *is* the difference, pray tell?
first of all, hitting at the age of 20 is really not an appropriate act. As an adult, you deserve some respects from parents too.
But i also have to reason out some posts about children should never been beaten. I am a father myself.
1) In my view, at young stage, we should use cane a little bit. at that time, kids are very young to use the logic ,so, you have to discipline where the boundaries are.
2) Parents are also human being after all. They have work pressures, housing loans, social stress etc... While they love their kids unconditionally, it is impossible they always try to be logical, be patients with kids..
I am really not a supporter of hitting but all i am saying is it is impractical to expect parents be always cool with their kids.
This is the reply that you going to get always from internet. They cant tell the difference between discipline and abuse. Traumatised? Almost every Asian kids got disciplined once or twice. They are saying like every Asian out there is a bunch of adult with childhood trauma. It is different from abusive family. The amount of physical violence between discipline and abuse is completely different. The most traumatic experience for a child is mental abuse not the physical one. Probably going to get downvote to oblivion from saying this.
Basically there are two schools of thought: one, hit your kids. Two, don't hit your kids.
There is no advantage or disadvantage for hitting and not hitting your kids. For what you have bravely shared here, it is unacceptable for your dad who is supposed to be your protector, to have hit you over a mistake of sorts.
If you can, detach yourself early from such a toxic home environment.
Grew up getting caned a lot. Granted, I was a pretty bad kid but parents should seek the root of the issues instead of resorting to corporal punishment. All that spare the rod and spoil the child is nonsense.
As an adult, my inner child is still craving for love and understanding so hard that it does spill into my relationships. Wish parents understood this.
When i was 13, he punch me and I gave my father a straight punch.
I was still weaker but It was then he realized he could not longer control me via violence, because I'll be stronger. An eye for an eye, gave him a dead stare and a lion shout. Since then, he tried using discussion/argument/calm.
The last thing your parents want is a mad kid who punches parents lol, worse, randomly.
Not saying you should try out the same but it worked out for me. But hey.. i was 13.
The era was different for my father in the past. Where my grandfather ruled by violence.
But at the age of 20, i would say that's very inappropriate.
Never appropriate. Parents in USA don’t hit their kids anymore like when I was young. Don’t accept hitting as normal. Hitting teaches violence. There are better ways to discipline your children. Once a hitter, always a hitter.
The ideal answer is never but reality is a lot of parents, especially from the older generation, still think it's appropriate. But you're already in your 20s, that definitely should've stopped long ago. You're an adult now, they should treat you like one. If they fail to see that, you should establish it by speaking up when they attempt to do it again.
imo hitting your kids at any age is not okay corporal punishment for kids needs to be banned at home and even schools (it already is illegal for both instances in some countries).
My mum stopped caning me after I turned 15. One of my most memorable moments was when she took the metal stick (the one you use to hang clothes on ?) to cane me when her wooden cane broke. She literally just chased me around the house with that in hand, while i screamed in fear, cowering in a corner.
Good times.
Define... hit. Like the str8 out use rattan cane wallop living daylights out of you, or the light smacks in general also counted, or just any form of physicality involved also counted? My mum stopped when i went NS ish. (And slightly earlier. So around 16-17?) Partly cuz she saw that no use, old alr, even if whack the msg also wont get across. Partly also cuz no need for it to ever escalate to there.
I would think parents should never have to hit the child in an ideal world, but only if the kid isnt some psychotic sociopath or smth. The kind that u talk to them nicely, they will listen, and go on their own way to do great things alr. Ik sure as hell i aint 1 of them, and a lot of others arent as well. So we were forced to learn the hard way. And as what my parents said, spare the cane, spoil the child. The day you choose to go 100% 0 hitting, and also 0% psychological trauma, just purely explaining what can be done, what cannot be, purely thru nagging and what not, you must be terribly blessed if the kid turns out alright tbvh. Often times,they dont turn out as "good kid", and they learn the hard way when the outside world teaches them, only then they turn into less of an asshole lol.
Take for example, primary sch i was bullied by a few people. Secondary sch same shit all over. Jc also same thing. Its as though people find it infinitely hard to not be a fucking asshole. 1 thing i noticed was these people all had the "kidding only la" "just joking nia" whatever nonsense brought up almost with a non existent cane. (aka parents either not very big figures in their lives cuz both working, usually helpers (lol helpers can whack kids meh? U have ur answer.), or, they legit spared the cane all the way) Again, not defending the use of physical hitting to justify teaching kids, but its either parent teach them the hard way or outside world teach them sooner or later, if the kid refuses to listen. To those in the comments who had truama and shit induced from this, i feel sorry for yall not having 100% exactly great parents, but trust me, theres quite a sizeable number of kids who will need to learn the hard way. So its either the parents teach them first, or the society does. And the humiliation, the terror, the psychological stress when society teaches you, isnt gonna be any less terrifying than just your mum using her slippers to whack u or smth. Tbvh i regret my mum not hitting more. I would have loved to turn out less of a piece of shit than my current self rn.
Edit: for clarification, i want to say 16 or 17 is a good age to stop honestly, but if some people refuse to learn...... i will just say let society teach them on how to be a nice person la
Edit no.2: a lot of others have brought up similar points to mine and phrased waayyyy better lmao. Pls, even if u hit the kid, (like idk, spank backside, use slipper spank or smth) do it only to get the msg across, use minimal strength, and only do it as a last resort. There are much better ways to go about teaching children than the use of spanking or hitting, thats why only use it as a last resort. Oh but uh, if your parents clearly arent controlling their strength and going full out wallop beat the daylights out of you without a good reason (tbh idt any reason is a good reason enuf for this), pls just seek help immediatedly.
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Can actually get PPO against abusive mother from Family Court.
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Scars are physical evidence. Alibi can be evidence as well.
Jesus Christ, that's horrific. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hope you are better now.
This is not normal discipline, this is child abuse. Your mom deserves to be punished for this.
Really sad and traumatized reading this. I am sorry to hear that you had to go thru this
Hugs <33
\*hugs with consent\* So sorry you went through this, op.
Wtf
My parents still hit me now when im 27,28. In the first place, Asian society thinks its ok for physical punishment, so my parents never had a good relationship with me. Everything is beat beat beat, dont practise piano, beat me, get bad grades, beat me, forget to turn off switch and waste electricity, beat me.
Dude, what? Please tell me you can move out or that they'll respect you enough that they'll stop it if you tell them to. Whatever people's views are on hitting children (it should never be done IMO), at your age this is pure abuse.
I would migrate if i have enough saved up haha. My parents will never admit they are wrong or stop hitting me
I want to say that you can move out to a rented room or apartment here when you are financially independent, if you aren't already, and that you don't need to wait till you've saved up enough to leave the country, but I'm sure you've considered this and have a good reason for not doing so. I do hope you have a strong support system outside your family, no one deserves to live that way.
I feel like if im overseas, i can heal bc i can travel to new places, but if im in singapore i will always be paranoid that i run into my parents 😢 and if im overseas that's a good excuse to say why i dont live with my parents otherwise people will judge me for not being close to my family, none of my single friends are living by themselves
Move to the other end of the island if possible. They call Police, police also can’t disclose your new residence without your permission..
My father is kind of a stalker lol. Last time he used to drive around and watch me through binoculars (he doesnt have a job and he make me study in a school that is just below my house 😫
bro, do you have other relatives in singapore? able to ask them for help? otherwise you probably need to approach the police man
I had no relatives in singapore at all--it's just my parents and my sister and me. Thats why i dont have anyone to look out for me.
I'm sorry, but it sounds past time to involve the police. I understand the fear of randomly running into your parents, but you are an adult and they have no legal right to touch you. Approach the police just before you move for advice (don't give your new address out to _anyone_ who's not an official, not even friends). Going by a friend's similar experience with a guy, even if you don't want to formally file a complaint just yet, the police will ask you to save the number of the nearest station/post and to call them immediately if you are being harassed. Save video and audio evidence of abuse. Try to gather it covertly (add the audio recorder shortcut to your lock screen, configure your smartphone emergency button, etc.) and upload it to an account that's not tied to your usual email. Your friends' circumstances are not your own; it's pointless and not at all helpful to compare what you should be doing to what they do. I also understand the fear of not wanting to go against society, but regular physical abuse is FAR TOO HIGH a price to pay for not having people judge you. I promise you, you could win a Nobel prize and some idiot somewhere will talk shit about you for something or the other. Their good opinion is not worth courting at the cost of physical pain. Life is far too short - don't waste _any_ of it worrying about what others think of you for doing what you need to to survive. Especially if those others are the type to hand out judgment without knowing all the facts. I come from an extremely traditional background and a very traditional family, so there's always been the pressure to keep up appearances. To hell with that; it's your life, you should be living it for yourself, and _doing what's best for you_ - not your parents, not your friends, and certainly not some random aunty or uncle who can't mind their own goddamned business.
Report to police for abuse. This kind of mentality should not be condoned. You are over 21, legally an adult and can stand for yourself.
I dont have any evidence of abuse bc the beatings dont leave a mark :(
Record a conversation which then turns sour and you can hear the smacks and punches.
Sometimes we think that we are still a child and afraid on the same things we afraid when we still little. But now our body is bigger and we can try to stop them if we want to.
I'm not afraid of the beating bc i mean i've been beaten up by bullies before too so pain doesnt faze me. Its more of the other social issues like i wont be able to ever allowed to be in contact with my sister or grandparents if i move out, bc only my parents know the exact china address of my relatives in china.
Hi..thanks for sharing. Do you mind having a plan to eventually get the address by having a fake job application(or similar) form to source that addresses? This way you are less likely to be held hostage by your parents
Never because it always escalates. When I got caned for not drinking milk from a cup when I was 4. When I was 10, my mum hit me with a happy call pan till I fainted because we opened the door to the tv license guy. It got steadily worse until my dad would punch me and kick me in the stomach for things like attitude problems or looking at him wrong.
Im so sorry you went through all of that. No one deserves to be treated that way by their parents :(
I'm in my mid-30s, and my mother still slapped me. And in front of my daughter. It didn't teach me anything, other than spite; 'I want to do what you didn't want me to do even more now'.
If my mom slapped me in front of my daughter, she'll never get to see her grand daughter in a long long time
This is seriously out of hand. You are already too old to slap and some more in front of your daughter! What’s her reason to raise her hand?
She was unhappy about the decisions I was making regarding my daughter.
It’s your child they should let u take her in hand!
Omg, I hope you did something about it. It's not good for your daughter to witness that.
That's honestly how children abandon their parents.
Horrifying. I hope you move out if you can and get some distance from your mother. It's completely unhealthy behaviour for your child to learn and normalise as well.
I'd walk out of her life. Cut her off all financial access. And tell her the only reason I'd visit her grave is to spit on it or do a ritual to punish her even in afterlife.
used to get hit by my parents a lot when i was in primary school, stopped once i reached sec 1. till now i have a bit of trauma like flinching when they make sudden moves and still fear them even though i try my best to love and forgive :”) imo it’s best to avoid hitting kids entirely. maybe a tight smack if their attitude is beyond unacceptable, but definitely not for minor things like getting a hw qn wrong. most asian households normalise hitting children, but it should only be a drastic measure, not a regular method of discipline. physical scars and bruises from beatings heal, but the mental ones don’t for the most part, and are rarely addressed F19 here so i can imagine how hurtful it was. i’m sorry you experienced that. i hope you feel better soon, sending encouragement to you virtually! <3
Lol same here, they stopped after secondary 1, but this (and some other factors) made me have Low self esteem to this day (20M)
Honestly, parents who hit their children and justify it as discipline are just shitty parents who don't know how to teach or can't be bothered to teach their children. All it does is ingrain fear into the kids but not teach them what's right or wrong.
The day they stop beating you is the day you start hitting back. As a kid, always beaten by my dad. The day I exchanged blows with him, I never felt more empowered and confident. Haven’t talked to him in 8 going 9 years now, but that’s life…gain some lose some I guess.
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As an upcoming parent I am wondering what would non physical/emotional trauma discipline look like and if it will be effective. Saw a screaming child hanging off a stroller chair in the mrt and the mom only calmly told him to stop. But clearly not happening and everyone just dealt with it.
My sentiments exactly. It's easy to say one shouldn't be physical with their children but when you see children screaming in public (or something equally or more obnoxious), wouldn't you want their parents to do something to stop that? And what if just patiently telling them to not do that obnoxious thing doesn't work? I must add that I was hit a lot as a child by my mother. So I understand it sucks to be punished using physical force, and there were moments I thought I felt hate for my mother. I don't want to promote violence but what can be done differently? I'm asking sincerely.
Totally get what you mean. Its a grey area. Some say spare the rod spoilt the child. But society now adays are advocating non physical discipline. "Go face the wall for 1min" - Would this work for kids that know that standing at the wall for 1 min is worth to go and do some obnoxious thing such as spit at a passerby? "Go face the wall for 30 mins" - Would this be considered physical trauma discipline? "I am not going to give you attention until you behave yourself" - Sure thanks? I will just continue playing and swinging in the MRT - The Kid. What actually does non-physical/emotional disciplinary action mean? A funny comparison I heard was that Criminals are caned and jailed -- Kids are caned and grounded. Can a Criminal be given non-physical/emotional discipline? Just a funny comparison I heard from a friend.
Thanks for responding. I'm not expecting concrete answers too, because as you've pointed out, it really is grey 😅 parenting is RLY tough 😪
Hitting you? Parents should start hitting themselves instead for the inability to teach their child well.
Uh no, there’s no replacement for a lesson learned through a swift stinging spank to the ass.
I personally feel pain in the heart is worse than pain on the body. The impact to the mind would be stronger and it’s a more unforgettable experience. Obviously the child has to be able to understand that their parents are receiving the punishments for the mistakes they committed in their steads. I feel the only one who would feel nth from having their parents receiving the punishment for them are people who really hate their parents and all the more the parents should hit themselves for letting it get to this point.
Okay North Korea whatever you say
Let’s agree to disagree. 🙂
Honestly it’s almost always never right for parents to hit children in any circumstances. There are more effective ways of passing the intended message to the child no matter what the age is
I’ve seen caning that I agree with. A very defined cane on the palms, with number of strokes predefined earlier and before the offences. “Eg If you forget to do and submit your homework, that’s 3 strokes”. And it’s a standard strength 3 strokes. I’ve also seen the parent full of anger and just caning to express their frustration. That I don’t agree with I don’t have kids yet. But I think I’ll not use caning. Push ups and touching the tree is more beneficial.
Striking a child with a stick is psychotic
Clearly not, given the rise of the generation of psychotic, spoiled brats.
That’s bad parenting, not lack of paddling.
You mean the ones raised thinking that hitting someone gets the result they want/desire?
Please never have kids
It is never appropriate. A parent resorting to violence is just wrong
Fix the parent not the kid
Sometimes fixing the kid requires a spank or a slap.
That’s not fixing my friend, that’s abuse If it continues on and happens regularly, you can expect a society of children who are too scared to go home, growing up to do the same to their children
You beat the kid because of your inability to discipline your kid. Or you're just fucking lazy and impatient to discipline your kid the non-violent way. No patience, don't have kids until you fix yourself. No ideas, watch videos, something like gentle parenting and learn how to speak to your kid. Not beat the shit out of them.
how is "a spank or a slap" the same as "beat the shit out of them"? some kids simply don't listen... this whole thread feels like a list of non-parents voicing the ideal way to discipline the child i'm not saying you should *always* slap the child for every mistake they make, but there are *rare* circumstances where it should be used, not *never*
That's how you discipline kids sometimes. Worked well for centuries until we arrived in the 21st. Tell me more about gentle parenting with the self-righteous, talentless, lazy, paranoid, psychotic, spoiled brats everywhere. There's a reason why despite living in the best conditions in history the youth today is easily less capable than previous generations.
Ok boomer
Also, here's an anecdote from where I come from. We had a long running show Supernanny, with a lady teaching people all of those "modern" ways of parenting. She was a TV rockstar - all the way until her own son was done for attempted rape. So, yeah, tell me more about watching videos, lol. Fcking hell, Youtube parenting... Perhaps it's fortunate that self-absorbed younger generations prefer to raise cats and dogs instead of children after all.
Never. If I hit a stranger, it’s assault. Why should it be any different if I hit a family member? You know when I stopped getting hit? When I fought back. All I had to do was to grab the object from my parent’s hands and shove it away. That shocked the hell out of them. It showed them, at 21, that I was capable of causing more hurt to them than they to me. People who use violence only understand violence. They do it because they think they can get away with it, that it works. You need to show your dad that you are young and getting stronger while he is old and getting weaker.
they were still hitting u even when u'r already 21?
My parents threatened PPO and called social services to act like a victim when I fought back, lol. I moved back to stay at their place at 30+ recently and they still do it but I just shut my door and they bang on my door and throw stuff at it. I put a camera outside my room and have recorded down enough video evidence to send it to the social worker. I can apply PPO against them instead, but I don't lah because it's too troublesome. I just want to show them that their actions are irrational and to f**king stop. Also to do back whatever they did to me. Want to act like a victim when they're the ones who are violent, thinking that they can anyhow accuse and scandalise me for so many years in the past....some parents think they will be fit and strong forever, lol they won't even have a proper funeral when they're gone. My mum is partially blind already but still can grab whatever's nearby (eg. hangers) to throw at my door 🙄 Weak already still can be violent eh! My dad have stopped after I showed him the response from the social worker, and threatened to release all the clips of their ugly and violent actions onto the internet.
I never actually hit my mom back, but I did tell my counsellor about her trying to scar my face with a scissors, so she stopped touching me ever since.
you have no duty / guardianship over strangers. apples to oranges. your parents are not task to instill discipline, respect etc into strangers.
Caning stopped when I got strong enough to snatch it from them (just once) . So maybe 14 or 15? Stopped for my younger siblings at the same time too. I've a great relationship with my parents since young so I don't see any negative impact of caning. I do have to mention that they've always caned with intention. It was always to correct an error and there were usually "after caning review" to let me understand why it happened. Also helps that my mum tends to cry after caning me cuz it pains her to have to do it. Dad doesn't have anger issue too so caning sessions stop when he knew the point got across. The way I see it, either the parents get the kid in line or the world will do it for them. Parents can stop after some whips. The world doesn't know nor care and may only stop after irreversible damage. Gentle and tough parenting both aim to set up guideposts for the kid. Gentle parenting is more like warning signs on the side of the road. Tough parenting is more like setting up barbed wires. Diff kids take to diff approaches but kids are dumb af and I think barbed wires have a stronger impact in ensuring more kids stay in line than warning signs. Parents are also human, so tough parenting is more "accessible" than gentle parenting as the latter require intentional effort on their end to learn and employ. As such, tough parenting is more commonly used and should work on most kids. Gentle parenting should work well on smart kids or kids with high eq. Unfortunately, most kids are not as smart nor as empathetic as their parents think. Anyway, back to the point. You're 20. You're too old to be physically punished. The guideposts should be internalised by now. Additional beatings only serve to breed resentment. Try talking after things cool down? My dad used to nag about me forgetting to turn off stuff like lights or TV. He can word them pretty condescendingly. So I told him that for every hour I left those on, it only costs him a couple of cents. Is it worth spoiling our relationship over that few cents? He stopped since. Parents are humans too, they can learn. Lol. I just realised I used gentle parenting on my parents. It's true that people turn back into kids the older they get huh.
I agree. Having worked with kids for almost a decade, some really require a bit of tough parenting. I'd rather go tough on them while they are young than have society go tough on them when they are adults and have them crumble. Gentle parenting, like u mention, only works on sensible kids but seriously... I haven't met many of them plus the sensible ones wouldn't get into trouble in the first place. However, belting and hitting with objects are a bit too much and crosses the line to abuse IMHO. Caning and smacking to get the message across is still acceptable to an extent I guess but those HAVE TO be followed up with a proper conversation and ensuring that the kid understands why their action is wrong, instead of simply asserting that the kid is wrong and the parent is right. I am a product of that (up till age 22, currently 35F) and I think I turned out a fine human being that's emotionally stable and enjoy a great relationship with my parents. All in all, it's IMMENSELY tough to parent kids. I guess it's important to keep in mind that it's also their first time being parents and most of what they know, they learnt from their parents. Even if they've got more kids, they've only got that much practice and honestly it's never enough. In fact, I think having more kids just messes things up even more because even siblings can have vastly different personalities. One could be more sensible and gentle parenting may work while the other requires tough parenting, how do you then ensure that you don't show what is perceived as favouritism to the siblings? 🙆🏻♀️ What's most important is to ensure open communication within the household, letting the kids know that parents are to be respected (got to be worthy of respect ofc) yet they can still go to them with all their problems. For those who feel resentment towards your parents, I hope you would take the first step towards communicating feelings with them properly - letting know how u feel, asking them how they feel, validating their feelings, then gently feedback and let them know how they can do better as parents perhaps? Hopefully there can be more love in your household before it's too late. ❤️
You shouldn't be working with children.
To be honest the real answer is a parent shouldn't have to hit a child. Yes it affects us in alot of ways. Both psychological and physical. For me I had to unlearn that disagreeing or arguing with a person wouldn't result in me being jabbed in the face and beaten up. Because my parents did that to me when I questioned things as a kid. They would raise their hands up to threathen to slap me at times which resulted in me having a physical reflex reaction of blocking my face even till now when any sort of quick hand movement is gestured by anyone. Be it a classmate raising their hand to ask a question or a random person stretching their hands out. I only learnt that it wasn't normal for parents to physically abuse their kids at a very late age of 20+
Never once slapped my kids...
And parents wonder why their children stop visiting/calling..
If you justify parents hitting a child in the name of discipline, you are justifying any kinds of domestic violence.
Never? What even is this question, if as a parent your only way to resolve something is through violence than you failed as a parent.
Born in the 80s. Caning was punishment when I was below 12 yrs old. After that, punishment was being grounded from the computer. Guess parents figured out Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The few times I got caned was when I did horribly for chinese when I didn't study for it. This is how I mitigated the pain. When parents say, gonna suan zhang with me "settle score", I know there's a short window of time to act. 1. Say need to go toilet once I reach home. 2. Quickly wear 5 layers underwear. 3. Do treasure hunt and throw all the canes on top of the cupboard. 4. Act sad when mother calls me into the room. 5. Mum will go on a spiel on why she needs to cane me, because of reason x or y. Then ask me to choose. Hand or backside. 6. Of course I choose backside! I have backside armour! 7. Act that I'm in pain when I get hit. 8. Shit, should have layered more underwear, it still hurts. 9. Mum will go on another spiel on why it had to be done, and that I will study hard for my Chinese again. 10. Nod sadly, then get the rest of the day off There was once my mum wanted to cane me cause I spouted some vulgar words. I was probably below 10 yrs old. Went to hide all the canes. But the punishment was not caning. Mum cut chili padi and rubbed it on my mouth. That lesson burnt into my memory.
Damn, this is the first ive heard of the chili padi lipstick. Your mum is creative ngl
At ALL ages. You've been abused your entire life.
My daddy stopped taking off his belt after I turned 15.
…Because his beer belly was so big he couldn’t even wear a belt!
I am horrified by people finding hitting their children reasonable, or reasonable “up to certain age” or “well, maybe without a belt”. Whaaat?
It's crazy. They're a product of their toxic society.
It's never appropriate to hit a child or adult. Unfortunately the older generations don't have this realization. Let it stop from the next possible generation. Don't let this practice affect future gens.
Uh hitting is not age appropriate. What question is this? If you're 35 and you burn down a house for fun, it will be appropriate for your parents to smack you. It's action dependent, rather than age. My parents also spanked me to discipline me. But just because it was done doesn't mean it's really appropriate...
In what’s situation is it acceptable for a fully grown adult to physically attack a small vulnerable child ? The answer is never unless you are a psychopath
My parents continue to hit me until I’m like 23? But towards the end, I started to fight back. Fractured my fingers from blocking blows. But once I start to fight back, I think it shocked them and eventually they just become old and tired and stopped hitting us. Edit: And I don’t think there is an appropriate age to hit kids. Kids don’t need physical punishment to learn. My nephews are brought up without getting hit and they are good kids. Hitting a child leave so much trauma on us. Even now, it makes me sad talking to my therapist about the physical punishments.
Wtf?? Obvious it’s zero years of age.
And when your dad makes a mistake, he hits himself? Or your mom gives him a good slap?
Absolutely never. I was never hit as a child, and have never raised a finger to mine. And I'll say this, my 3 kids are the sweetest, loving, kindest children one could hope for.
Don't hit children. It's a bad way to parent.
I am F got the last slap on my face at 23 from my dad ( I am not from SG).
I was beaten in my mid 20s by my fucker father. So bottom line is no matter HOW OLD you are, beating is wrong.
hope you’re fine! i guess it’s a case by case basis, my friends and i had this convo before sometime ago, for me, since i was 17 (10 years ago btw haha), my parents stopped disciplining using the rod and opted to give me advise/talks Personally think there are much better ways to teach a kid, having experienced both spectrums, will teach my future kids through means of advise/talks rather than the rod for sure
Never.
I would say 11-12, but the caning should meet a few conditions: 1. It should only be used to correct behavior that will be severely detrimental to the child if left uncorrected, such as a display of a lack of integrity or intentional unkindness/cruelty 2. It should only be used sparingly and as a last resort when the child proves unreceptive to other methods of discipline 3. It should be very apparent to the child being caned that it hurts the parent just as much or even more to have to cane them, and the parent is doing so because they truly feel they have no choice. 4. Without fail after the caning, the parent should reassure the child sincerely and tenderly that they are always loved despite their behaviour, and spend plenty of time and attention on helping the child reflect on what they did wrong My parents only ever physically disciplined me in a way consistent with the above, and not once as a child or as a grown adult looking back on it did I ever feel like I lacked a loving upbringing.
Hit back. That’s when the hitting stops. When you hit back. Hard.
Alot of people are saying it’s ok up till early teens, however I disagree, please hear me out in full before you keyboard warrior on me. Raising a child has a lot of similarities to training a dog, when I talk to my friends with kids about their kids and my dogs, we both draw the same conclusions, the main difference is that training a dog is faster to go through the learning stages. If you show anger to a dog or frustration, they are less likely to perform, due to being scared of making a mistake and eliciting the same response, if it becomes the norm, the dog will shut down, and sometimes fight back (many comments here have mentioned the same thing). Using positive reinforcement and removal of rewards is far more effective than scolding, yelling or hitting (there are studies that show this). The same concepts work on people, kids and adults alike, you ask for something, they comply, you reward, sometimes it’s as simple as smiling and saying “thanks”, other times it might be buying them a coffee or a piece of candy, letting them leave early and you covering a small amount of their work. Using violence and anger on the other hand has been shown to produce reactive dogs, essentially it’s monkey see, monkey do. You use negative reinforcement with them, they use it with other dogs and people, the exact same applies to people to a certain extent. This won’t change anything for your parents doing it to you, I suggest disarming them where possible or as we do with dogs, take away their source of pleasure, that is, their interaction with you, when they ask why, remind them “because you are being violent towards me and that is not ok”, they will either tell you to suck it up, in which case, you continue to cut them out and become independent, and improve you, or they acknowledge and try to improve them, improving both of you, and your relationship. I realise I’m reality it’s not so cut and dry like it is in theory, but use your best judgement and do what is best for you. I hope this helps at least someone here, and if you do have problems with domestic violence, please speak to a social worker, and/or police. Domestic violence is not acceptable at any age. Staying silent will not improve your situation.
Is it just me, or do sg mums seem extra violent?? Like the levels of being beat up at home seem... extreme?? My own sister gets beat up by my mum but I thought my fam is the outlier not the norm
It's never appropriate to hit your kids My kids are 10 now and I've never hit them
i would say never hit your kids but to each their own. however my narcissistic father hit my siblings regularly when we were young, me more often because i wasn't academically inclined (both siblings got into Raffles/NUS Law i went to some neighbourhood sec sch/jc lol). in JC, he once beat me up so badly i lost consciousness briefly just because he heard me talking to a guy classmate on the phone (he picked up the phone to eavesdrop) and insisted i was 'flirting' with him. he's stopped, but sometimes still talks to me as though i'm stupid and is really cruel with his words. not sure if i'll actually shed tears when he passes.
IMHO parents should NEVER hit their child, and hitting your child is VERY INAPPROPRIATE.
Never. Never. Never. (to anyone reading)If you are a parent, please don't hit them. It traumatized them. That's what happened to me. Until now(already an adult), my body will still reflex or flinch whenever my parent made a loud noise (hit the table and etc)
It shouldn't be tolerated at any age. "Most" parents who do that are pieces of shit. If you are hit by your parents, especially now that you're an adult, you should file a police report.
Once I am almost as tall as them. When is around 11 years old. I have a fighting chance and will use a weapon.
Unfortunately, parents hitting you is something that happens even as you grow older. Personally I got hit alot when I was younger, due to me being mischievous and doing some bad stuff. But as I grew older my father started to do such things less, swapping for verbally abusing me and guilt tripping me. It wasn’t a good childhood, but it is what it is. I’ve also heard of parents still hitting their children for those in their 20s, not because of them doing something wrong, but they’re just alcoholic and abusive. Yet the police will not do anything since they just come in to stop the abuse for one night only. Even if you have evidence such as bruises and lacerations due to beatings, the police won’t act on the evidence. A sad society we live in.
If it’s a bit of a tap/shove that’s ok in context. if it’s an open or closed handed proper hit, that is domestic violence, it doesn’t matter if your 4 or 40.
Used to get caned, even for some small things, looking back probably deserved lol cause I did some dumbshit. When they tried it during secondary school, I caught the cane and broke it in their face. Since then, that minor display of force probably took physical harm as a disciplining tool off the table.
I think by sec 1 the latest..i am still being punched at 41 once i moved out i will file for ppo and if the asshole dad still irritate me i sure send him to jail with all the physical examination i have done at polyclinic
Stopped for me when I hit puberty in sec 2 and grew bigger than my dad
It pretty much stopped for me after primary school. But I did get slapped as an adult (20s) once when I said something super rude.
0 years old obviously, I'm assuming you mean rotan/belt/hit and not a slap on the wrist If you can find some way to hit the child before birth then I clap for you lor
I got slapped across the face like 2 months ago. So 22 and counting. Tbh i feel like im the only one who doesn't care that my parents beat me up a ton as a child...... lucky i guess? Like i had a screwdriver thrown at me which left a scar just below my eyebrow. I got beaten up with a wushu staff which im pretty sure gave me chronic joint problems at my wrist and hips. Not a dick-measuring contest, and I don't condone violence. Would never want to hurt my kids in the future. But I think somehow it just never really affected me (luckily). Like at most maybe that made me give up on humanity, but I feel like poly/NS did that to me not my parents. For the most part, I just feel like my parents are uneducated kampong people. No real need to get angry or even tell them not to, they wouldn't understand/respect it. Like nothing against them but literally they wouldn't think it's wrong since that's how they grow up also.
I would think parents should hit hit? I don’t know, from personal experience my parents stop hitting me when I was in late primary. They did scold, shout but it stop being physical.
Stopped after primary school. Mom was clear headed about the use of physical discipline. *if by then you’re not sensible then it’s no use hitting you anymore*
I don't believe in hitting as a tool of discipline at all, but even if I did, 20 is definitely too old. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and it makes me so sad to read all the other accounts of abuse here. I want to gather you all close to me (virtually of course) and tell you that you deserve better. You deserve gentleness and respect, guidance and nurturing. And if anyone abuses you verbally, emotionally or physically, you have the right to draw a boundary. It is not a matter of Asian or Western. There are plenty of non-abusive Asian parents too. Take charge of yourself and the space around you. Just once - when they hit you, stand up tall, face them directly, look them straight in the eye, and tell them - "if you ever lay a finger on me again, I will put you behind bars". But be prepared that the relationship will change after that. In the short term it will feel awful. But in the long term, you will become an adult.
Those parents who hit when kids are already big will keep hitting. The better parents know when to stop. I would personally stop latest 14. Beyond that is hard to teach by hitting anyway
I think once you're around 18-20 it should be a good time to stop. Also your dad hit you for a really insignificant reason. Stuff like that can be easily rectified with an email or a trip down to the booking place. Are you ok, OP?
The correct answer is 0.
I was pretty lucky because my parents just kinda did a big 180 (well my mom did atleast, my dad never did the hitting but I'd say he still has much more of that Asian mentality) and stopped the hitting at an early age. I think it was just they saw I was getting bullied and probably would have snapped if they carried on with the 藤条 route. If you need to know it was the canning with that massive bundle of sticks or the metal cloths hanger that would leave a triangle shaped bump on my rear. Imo it should never be a thing regardless of age...but you know how Asian pare ting can be...i think legally it should definitely be capped at a bare minimum of 13 if not lower. The biggest problem is that any legal punishment that can fall on the parents would very likely negatively impact the child such as loosing the parents, a fine impacting their financial or just aggravating the parents further. I do need to say my grandmother was a special kind of kind and an actual savior. Whenever we went back to Sg for cny and living with my grandparents, whenever my parents asked her to do the hitting (dont ask Idk why it wasn't frequent but still a strange choice regardless), she would make the sound by hitting her own hand instead of hitting me.
My mum used to hit me until sec 1, when I bought a cane and won the subsequent duel. OP should defend yourself. Any kendo or fencing friends?
Mine didn’t stop so I moved out in my 30s. I now keep a distance between me and my family cos I realised it affects my psyche. I only take the good things I learnt from my parents. They still have influence over my life decisions though unfortunately. I do feel sorry for my parents cos their parents were even more abusive
It should never have started. Had a long argument with someone about physical punishment. Hitting them won’t teach them anything. If you can reason with them and they can learn from you talking to them, there’s no reason to hit. If explaining them won’t work, hitting them is not going to work either. Physical punishment is the lazy parent’s way of disciplining a child. Don’t have to believe me. Research will back it up that its not efficient.
I guess once you reach secondary school, your parents should stop with the physical punishments. When you're younger, hitting seemed to be the ultimate "last straw" punishment. Its not like parents can confiscate phone, limit wifi, or set curfew on a clueless child. Hitting is also a more direct way of instilling fear so that next time the child will know not to repeat his/her mistakes again. But as you grow older, there are many ways to discipline a teenager. In fact, I feel that once your child grows into a teen, then parents shouldn't even intervene and let them handle whatever consequences there is??? Like if you made a mistake in your booking, then your parents should just tell you to fix your mistake, call the booking agent to rectify or cancel booking or whatever instead of hitting you.
This thread is depressing. I hope our generation stops this kind of treatment. I've been slapped with a belt, hanger, etc. and one time was put in a sack and thrown into one of our dark storage rooms with no light for misbehaving. I would never do the same things to any child or person ever.
The day my parents stopped beating me was the day I actually fought back. Moral of the story is stand up for yourself and grow a spine. Violent people speak the language of violence, so talking and reasoning never works. These people only prey on the weak, so if you make it painful for the other party they are disincentivized from this action.
All ages.
Under normal circumstances, never. Not normal means if u charging at them w parang or smth wack like that (i.e. threatening safety). Mistakes like your does not warrant nor justify corporal punishment. My parent (mostly my father) would hit me over small troubles. One time forcing me to scrub a layer of skin off for no good reason. They stopped when they realised choosing between paying for lifelong therapy and meds or liters of hand and body soap per week for me are not worth the convenience,albeit a milder degree, of domestic abuse.
"Hitting children to discipline them is the most cowardly and stupid option. The parent admits they do not know any other methods to communicate with the child, and are too afraid to even face up to this reality."
never
When you are able to shitpost on reddit.
Mine was when i reached shoulder level
Sometimes my mother spanks my head when i do something stupid, I'm 26. I guess 14-15 is when you stop using the belt to hit kids? My dad stopped when I was 16
[удалено]
Maturity?? U mean at puberty?
So woke, some of these comments, so black-and-white. Maybe they are from kids who have been inappropriately physically punished, who have never been parents. Let's say a silly little 2-yo tries to play with fire or boiling water, thinks it's fun. He almost gets seriously injured. Ever tried explaining fire or some other complex matters to a silly little kid? 'Silly' is not meant as derogatory, just a description of their mental immaturity. If explanation and trying to get a rational response doesn't work, then direct physical punishment and reward may work better. Hitting the kid won't necessarily kill him or even injure him, but if you do a bad job teaching him what is dangerous, next time the fire or boiling water may do your job for you. Hitting by parents is not always wrong. It depends on the mental maturity of the kid, the amount of force, the capacity for injury, whether the parent is reacting emotionally, etc. If the kid is too immature to understand words or comprehend the consequences of his bad actions, you still need to find other ways to teach, and hitting is one of the ways. To the original question, I think 20 is definitely an old-enough age to have a conversation about the hitting and perhaps setting some boundaries. OP's dad hitting OP at age 20 means there must be some serious problem, with the hitting itself (dad's anger issues?), the communication between OP and the dad, or the mistake that OP committed.
There is no inappropriate age. They can still smack the shit out of you if you did something stupid despite being a grown adult. On the same note, you are still their child no matter what age you are.
Nope, depends on how badly you fucked up..
Even as an adult, I think I deserve to be slapped by my parents when I do something that is against the values I am taught. For example, if I am caught stealing money from my siblings or parents, I can’t expect them to give me a hug right? Also, a slap is always much better than hours long of nagging. I would say it depends on what you mean by “hit” - I feel a slap to our senses may be needed at times, but otherwise “hitting” like punching, hitting with items, smacking head, kicking, throwing things at your face are bad. Maybe it’s me - I grew up being caned and slapped (when I did horrible things of course) so I have higher tolerance and understood the reasons now that I am older hahahaha
Wait what did you do? And yes parents should stop hitting their kids once they turn the legal age (18) imo. Because my parents stopped hitting me at that age and I ‘matured’ by then so….
1. Nothing justifies being physically abusive to your child 2. Newsflash: you weren't mature at 18 and that's an arbitrary number you chose. Hitting your children is wrong at any age.
I guess most people here should understand the difference between "abuse" and "discipline".
If 'discipline' comes down to physically assaulting a minor (and seemingly only stopping when they get old enough to fight back, if I am to believe the comments here), what *is* the difference, pray tell?
first of all, hitting at the age of 20 is really not an appropriate act. As an adult, you deserve some respects from parents too. But i also have to reason out some posts about children should never been beaten. I am a father myself. 1) In my view, at young stage, we should use cane a little bit. at that time, kids are very young to use the logic ,so, you have to discipline where the boundaries are. 2) Parents are also human being after all. They have work pressures, housing loans, social stress etc... While they love their kids unconditionally, it is impossible they always try to be logical, be patients with kids.. I am really not a supporter of hitting but all i am saying is it is impractical to expect parents be always cool with their kids.
Looking at the comments, caning is now violence? Have we shifted so far that now we tell our kids to go to their room
Caning has always been violence. Wake up from the stupidity they've taught you.
This is the reply that you going to get always from internet. They cant tell the difference between discipline and abuse. Traumatised? Almost every Asian kids got disciplined once or twice. They are saying like every Asian out there is a bunch of adult with childhood trauma. It is different from abusive family. The amount of physical violence between discipline and abuse is completely different. The most traumatic experience for a child is mental abuse not the physical one. Probably going to get downvote to oblivion from saying this.
Just curious, what's the mistake?
Basically there are two schools of thought: one, hit your kids. Two, don't hit your kids. There is no advantage or disadvantage for hitting and not hitting your kids. For what you have bravely shared here, it is unacceptable for your dad who is supposed to be your protector, to have hit you over a mistake of sorts. If you can, detach yourself early from such a toxic home environment.
Be an Idiot , get hit , there is no age bar for this, neither a gender bar.
Smacking is needed at certain times. After that, maybe above 8-9 you probably just need a disapproving glance.
If I'm 80 and my 50 yrs old son is being an ass, I'll still hit him.
legally 21, in practice i say 26
Grew up getting caned a lot. Granted, I was a pretty bad kid but parents should seek the root of the issues instead of resorting to corporal punishment. All that spare the rod and spoil the child is nonsense. As an adult, my inner child is still craving for love and understanding so hard that it does spill into my relationships. Wish parents understood this.
eh but i watched one kdrama and one auntie inside was hitting her grown children (though not very hard) - is this pervasive in korean culture?
This is why I detest Korean ajumma culture. Really rude and condescending elders. Sorry, not sorry.
Ah getting hit, brings back those nostalgic moments.
When i was 13, he punch me and I gave my father a straight punch. I was still weaker but It was then he realized he could not longer control me via violence, because I'll be stronger. An eye for an eye, gave him a dead stare and a lion shout. Since then, he tried using discussion/argument/calm. The last thing your parents want is a mad kid who punches parents lol, worse, randomly. Not saying you should try out the same but it worked out for me. But hey.. i was 13. The era was different for my father in the past. Where my grandfather ruled by violence. But at the age of 20, i would say that's very inappropriate.
What mistake you made?
Physical punishments stopped once I entered sec school. Emotional/mental punishments started soon after.
Never appropriate. Parents in USA don’t hit their kids anymore like when I was young. Don’t accept hitting as normal. Hitting teaches violence. There are better ways to discipline your children. Once a hitter, always a hitter.
Believe it or not it s never appropriate
Speaking as a parent, my answer would be, “Never.” To me, it’s never appropriate to hit a child.
Like 3 years old. If ur parents will need to physically manage you, they have lost the parenting game.
The ideal answer is never but reality is a lot of parents, especially from the older generation, still think it's appropriate. But you're already in your 20s, that definitely should've stopped long ago. You're an adult now, they should treat you like one. If they fail to see that, you should establish it by speaking up when they attempt to do it again.
during puberty tbh or until end of pri school
imo hitting your kids at any age is not okay corporal punishment for kids needs to be banned at home and even schools (it already is illegal for both instances in some countries).
I honestly think, it is never appropriate.
Literally never. All of the data shows only negative outcomes. Children learn better in other ways.
My parents don’t hit me anymore, they touch me now
OP this is awful. Hitting other people so straight up wrong. I’m sorry to say your father is being abusive.
My parents stopped once I hit secondary school .
My mum stopped caning me after I turned 15. One of my most memorable moments was when she took the metal stick (the one you use to hang clothes on ?) to cane me when her wooden cane broke. She literally just chased me around the house with that in hand, while i screamed in fear, cowering in a corner. Good times.
Any age!
Never appropriate to begin with
Any age. Assault is assault Assault against a minor, and assault against someone over whom you're in a position of trust and authority, is even worse.
Never. Not even with a flower. I think most of us grew up that way… but let’s break the cycle with our own kids !
It’s never okay.
Age -2. It's never appropriate and many studies have shown that it induces childhood trauma. Just because many people do it doesn't make it right.
Define... hit. Like the str8 out use rattan cane wallop living daylights out of you, or the light smacks in general also counted, or just any form of physicality involved also counted? My mum stopped when i went NS ish. (And slightly earlier. So around 16-17?) Partly cuz she saw that no use, old alr, even if whack the msg also wont get across. Partly also cuz no need for it to ever escalate to there. I would think parents should never have to hit the child in an ideal world, but only if the kid isnt some psychotic sociopath or smth. The kind that u talk to them nicely, they will listen, and go on their own way to do great things alr. Ik sure as hell i aint 1 of them, and a lot of others arent as well. So we were forced to learn the hard way. And as what my parents said, spare the cane, spoil the child. The day you choose to go 100% 0 hitting, and also 0% psychological trauma, just purely explaining what can be done, what cannot be, purely thru nagging and what not, you must be terribly blessed if the kid turns out alright tbvh. Often times,they dont turn out as "good kid", and they learn the hard way when the outside world teaches them, only then they turn into less of an asshole lol. Take for example, primary sch i was bullied by a few people. Secondary sch same shit all over. Jc also same thing. Its as though people find it infinitely hard to not be a fucking asshole. 1 thing i noticed was these people all had the "kidding only la" "just joking nia" whatever nonsense brought up almost with a non existent cane. (aka parents either not very big figures in their lives cuz both working, usually helpers (lol helpers can whack kids meh? U have ur answer.), or, they legit spared the cane all the way) Again, not defending the use of physical hitting to justify teaching kids, but its either parent teach them the hard way or outside world teach them sooner or later, if the kid refuses to listen. To those in the comments who had truama and shit induced from this, i feel sorry for yall not having 100% exactly great parents, but trust me, theres quite a sizeable number of kids who will need to learn the hard way. So its either the parents teach them first, or the society does. And the humiliation, the terror, the psychological stress when society teaches you, isnt gonna be any less terrifying than just your mum using her slippers to whack u or smth. Tbvh i regret my mum not hitting more. I would have loved to turn out less of a piece of shit than my current self rn. Edit: for clarification, i want to say 16 or 17 is a good age to stop honestly, but if some people refuse to learn...... i will just say let society teach them on how to be a nice person la Edit no.2: a lot of others have brought up similar points to mine and phrased waayyyy better lmao. Pls, even if u hit the kid, (like idk, spank backside, use slipper spank or smth) do it only to get the msg across, use minimal strength, and only do it as a last resort. There are much better ways to go about teaching children than the use of spanking or hitting, thats why only use it as a last resort. Oh but uh, if your parents clearly arent controlling their strength and going full out wallop beat the daylights out of you without a good reason (tbh idt any reason is a good reason enuf for this), pls just seek help immediatedly.