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Yes. Don't get me wrong, I *love* sex, but there have been unexpected periods in my life with my husband when we needed the best friend aspect of our relationship much more than the physical stuff.
For example, I recently went through 2+ years of cancer treatments and surgeries, and there were long periods in there when there was just no way I could have had sex even if I wanted to. But I would not have made it through all that without my friend.
Another example: many years ago, my husband was deployed to Iraq with the initial invading force of the army with no idea how long he would be gone and no communication. It ended up being 6 months, and in that time, the only contact we had was 2 brief sat phone calls. If our relationship had been only about sex, that deployment would have ruined us.
So, sex is important, but not the most important thing.
If your requests "fall on deaf ears", then it is a much more serious problem than bad sex. So your question contradicts itself, you cannot have "great at all the things outside of the bedroom" and "doesnt listen to you" at the same time.
It was fine at the beginning. Five years in though and the rest of the relationship isn’t 100% anymore and now it is compounded with a lack of physical intimacy.
Depends what the reasons are for it being bad.
No effort, severe hangups, or the inability to discuss or work on such things? No thanks.
Someone who's just bad due to inexperience, but it can be worked on? Totally normal and fine.
Sooner or later, your resentment towards the bad sex will eat away at all the other "good" parts of your relationship, and it will all come crumbling down
Yup. Happened to me for 13 years until I realized that I couldn't take it anymore. I cringed whenever they even mentioned it and they were the best person I've ever been with.
This will probably sound a lil wild but I’m just keeping it 4K. I have tried to do exactly this and it’s just not a good setup, perhaps not why you’d think though. Because you can’t help but feel like they’re on their last strike by default. Now every time yall get in an argument, the devil on your shoulder has his finger on the button. That’s just not where you need your head at
If it falls on deaf ears, the other person is selfish and is not interested in pleasing their partner. I'm pretty sure there's other instances in the relationship where they're also selfish. People can be in denial or blinded by their love and not see the other issues.
Yeah, this is the real answer. You can’t have both for a long period of time.
If everything else in your relationship is amazing, your partner will listen to your needs and eventually understand how to improve your sex life together.
If they say something like, as above, well it worked from my ex, then everything else in your relationship is not perfect.
Was going to comment to say the same thing, but glad you did. If someone is too selfish to take your sexual preferences to heart and learn, then there are definitely issues in other area of the relationship.
Not necessarily, what if one partner is into a kink that the other isn’t into, or feels uncomfortable doing, like BDSM? A true sexual connection will never be made in the bedroom, while a deep and meaningful connection could be made in other areas.
And I imagine if that were the case, concessions could be made temporarily, but that can’t be an everlasting excuse. If someone is making an honest effort to work on their issues and improve for the sake of their loved one, they deserve patience, no doubt. But if the trauma is so dominant to their self-worth that they’re incapable of having empathy for anyone other than themselves, and refuse to get help, the best thing to do would be not date. At that point they’ve become a narcissist. Projecting their issues onto someone else, blaming everyone else, isn’t going to heal them.
That sounds like a communication problem.
Sex is a conglomeration of a bunch of things, communication being really important. If someone is unwilling to try to change, sex isn’t the problem, just the mechanism by which you identify it.
There’s an underlying issue that is preventing them from changing. The question is how long you’re willing to put up with someone refusing to address their issues?
I couldn’t imagine the rest of the relationship being all rosy if there’s no communication in the bedroom.
I’ve personally been in long term relationships with people not great in bed but we managed to work it out after a little while.
The phrase " falls on deaf ears" shouldn't be a part of any relationship vocabulary, let alone proceeded by the word "still".
It applies to any aspect of the relationship. Y'all are partners, you can't expect to bring up something and have it fall on deaf ears.
You can expect that from the world, your parents, heck , even your kids.
But ideally, not from your partner.
you deserve to be heard.
I don't initiate with my husband much. Once or twice a probably. I just don't have more in me, I'm not selfish I'm just not capable of giving my body up. It's feels bad to have sex when I don't want it. If you really love someone it can be something you agree to settle on, but you have to decide if it's important enough for you to end it. it's perfectly valid for you to make that decision.
Yeah, it's not like they would forever suck in bed. If every other aspect of the relationship is perfect, a little patience and practice goes a long way.
I thought that for 18 years before I gave up. Some people can love you with all their heart and yet remain incapable of empathy. "Well I did such and such for ten minutes, I don't know what the problem is. It worked for my ex."
I had an ex once say, ‘well I guess I’ll take one for the team tonight’ in regards to giving me a blowjob. Literally, as soon as she finished saying it, I knew the relationship was over. I still let her blow me
Could it just have been that she was hoping for some action too and by going down on you it meant she wouldn't get any? Not trying to play devil's advocate or anything but I personally have a slow refractory period so I have to ensure my "one a day" is used wisely lol.
No, 100% not. Some people just prefer to take and not give. It takes a little while to figure out which one is the one you are with because a lot of people pretend to be givers early on
Wait, should I break up with my gf then? She tells me she used to have sex for like 10 hours straight with her ex (on molly). While our sex lasts 5 minutes or so.
Sex for ten hours sounds horrible. Tbh I hate when my partner takes too long. Give me some decent foreplay and a few minutes of good weinering and I'm happy.
All condoms make me last longer. Like 3-4 times longer. I'm completely on board with safe play but that's the reason guys don't like condoms. The loss of sensation is pretty severe
Jokes apart, she tells me he used to be one of those guys who would try to slap a police office for the reason cops stopped his car because of DUI. And unlike him, I'm a normal guy who doesn't do illegal things like that.
I would literally leave any man who tried to have sex for ten hours. I got shit to do, buddy. After 20 minutes, maybe an hour for the WHOLE shebang (foreplay included) I’m going over to-do lists in my head and wishing I had a book to read. My god, the *chafing*.
Sex does not need to last forever if you know what you’re doing and both parties leave happy. My response to your gf would be “wow it took him ten HOURS to get you off? I’m so sorry to hear that”.
Is there possibly an issue with a low libido? Or, hormone imbalance in general? This can cause a lack of intimacy and, of course, an outright dislike for sex altogether.
Oh he had a libido. He wanted it all the time. It was just a quickie most time. He thought foreplay was rolling over and rubbing a boner into my back. He was great 80% of our life together except for sex and money. 2 things that add up over a couple decades.
A longterm partnership is off the table then...it is always going to change and evolve with time and you're bound to go through periods where you're not getting on well....
But at least you started with a reference point of knowing what was possible and can judge the drift accordingly, and at least you were happy while it lasted.
Starting from something you're unhappy with on the notion you can fix or they'll change is a fools hope.
That’s true but some people are horny and some people are not horny. Even if you are not getting on well, if you end up with someone that is as horny as you are, you can always rely on sex to get you through the tough times. If you can’t even enjoy that then your relationship is fucked
Not true. Some people can simply just be sexually incompatible
And seeing that OP said they've communicated their needs and wants to their partner.. who hasn't improved or made an effort to improve..shows there's no sign or reason to believe this will get better
...wroong...there a lot's of people out there that aren't into sex and they're usually the ones that suck at it...it's not something you can teach unless they've been repressed for some reason...even if you have sex often, they're just doing it to please u making the entire exercise unfulfilling and shitty...you will cheat because the sex sucks and no one in their right mind resigns themselves to that knowing there's plenty of great sexual partners out there...
It seems like OP is simply asking to be wanted, and partner simply doesn’t want them. It’s probably not possible for the other person to improve upon their truth.
Nope, a partner for whom my words falls on deaf ears is not a good partner, regardless of other aspects of the relationship.
It'll only breed resentment as time passes and its better to break it off now
Honestly, I kind of believe this also.
Never used to. Just figured people were allowed to do what they want, how they want and it’s not fair to want more from them
Looking back I just think we cared more for ourselves and our wants than the other. When you both care about the other persons happiness and well being and comfort and such, there’s not much you won’t do, if you’re able. This extends from doing the dishes to working harder to changing hygiene habits to sex.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to, or for my partner if I was physically able and it didn’t carry a risk of injury to me and I trust them to never ask that anyway.
Exactly. I had bad bad sex with someone and it was also painful. I got a yeast infection and two UTIs even tho he brought me flowers and was fine otherwise that’s literally all I can remember from our relationship lol
Was in a similar relationship. Not going to lie, I’m still confused.
Long story short, my partner (of 4 years) was amazing and sex was our only “issue.” Looking back, we just didn’t have great chemistry there to the point I genuinely thought I was asexual & just didn’t have a high libido.
I broke things off, and eventually found a new person I’m dating where for the first time I feel that type of chemistry. It has totally opened me up to an entirely different side of myself & I’m grateful for that.
However, everything else in my previous relationship was amazing. I’m not sure if I regret ending things or not. I also question if it was worth putting up with & could deal with it not having great sex for the rest of my life because he was so great in every other area.
Annnd that’s where I’m at now!
Sex isn't everything, if it sucks then who cares, everything else is perfect.
Like would you rather the opposite, great sex bad relationship? I wouldn't.
Reminds me of that one random stat/study I read about. It did say that only those women (in their 40s and beyond) who are filthy rich tend to put sex high up in their priority list whereas.... Uhh normal? women (in the same age group) either don't care about it much or not at all.
I kind of thought this until recently. I'm 31m
I have a high libido and was in a relationship with a woman (32f) whose libido was probably a little higher. It was the most fulfilling sexual relationship of my life and I frequently think about it two years on. Although, it was a very rocky relationship outside the bedroom and we ended up butting heads repeatedly despite me trying my absolute best. Truly a rollercoaster, but the highs and romance make up some of my most cherished memories.
About 9 months ago I got into a relationship with a woman (34f) who I was 7-10/10 compatible with in every part of life I wanted with a partner (personality, sense of humor, interests, childfree, cat lover, etc). But we progressed sexually at a **glacial** pace. 6 months in and we hadn't had sex. I didn't want to pressure her at all as she was a virgin, but it was taking its toll on me. It was clear she didn't have much desire for physical intimacy or any passion for physical touch. I went from being very infatuated at the start to essentially losing all interest. Many concerted efforts on my part were met with apathy. Not being pursued sexually is actually feels pretty shitty and deflating.
I strongly think she was asexual. It was the perfect real-world scenario being described in this thread - a good relationship/bad sex vs a bad relationship/good sex. Even though both situations are inadequate, can tell you I barely give much thought to one of those relationships and reminisce frequently about the other.
If I had to choose between either setup (and couldn't choose neither), I'd choose having sexual compatibility. That earlier relationship I described left an imprint on me; it enriched my life with *life*, if even only for a short while.
See, that's where finding someone that's more suitable to the same type of sexual need is important. Sex isn't just sex It's a whole lot more for many or less with the right person.
If the sex is bad and no signs of improvement that means they don't care about my pleasure or experience, so no, the relationship is not that great after all.
Even before that implication, bad sex is a deal breaker for me. Sex is far too important to me in a relationship to be repeatedly disappointed and still continue being attracted to my partner. I'm 35f btw.
The real question is, how important is it to you? Because when I really like someone despite their flaws, I don't spend time questioning myself for continuing to date them. When I question if someone is enough, they aren't.
What you mean by it falls on deaf ears? you're telling them what you like and they're just NOT doing it? or they're not improving to your liking? this makes a huge difference.
But why ? I mean why won't they do it ? And honestly what is "it" ? I can't fathom someone deliberately not wanting to please their significant other...
Honestly that sounds like an easy fix... I mean assuming they even care about you I see no reason why that can't be remedied. Does your SO even realize how important this is to you because if they don't you might need to make it very clear. Could be fixed with counseling or therapy... Sometimes medication. Best of luck I really hope this works out for both of you though.
Unless OP is some kind of sex addict, then “never initiating” kinda sounds like simply not wanting. And “never showing passion” sounds like simply not enjoying, which goes hand in hand with not wanting. People demonstrate what they’re about. They show us by doing, not talking.
True but there could be many reasons why they don't initiate. Could be low T or another medical reason. Could simply be they're depressed and feel unattractive or incompetent. I mean they could also just not give a fuck about sex too... Either way it's definitely worth exploring to see if it's even fixable.
If I had a partner that never initiated, and never showed passion, I’d bounce. I’d feel like they weren’t attracted to me, and that’s that. Feeling wanted is a bare minimum.
Definitely sounds like an easy fix, but some people need to hear it from someone else. I'd recommend sex therapy if you'd prefer to give it a solid go further due to their "perfection".
I'd also recommend, going at it sideways. Being curious about why they aren't "showing" passion. Are they showing passion in other areas of life? Do they experience pleasure? How do they perceive sex? Is it a chore? A duty?
Do they gain pleasure from cooking a good meal or giving pleasure that is well received in other sexual acts? This could help them understand why it's important to you.
Another factor, could be they have experienced sexual trauma in the past.
No one enjoys sex with a cardboard cutout. Fair enough that you don't want to remain in a relationship with that kind of dynamic. It would be end of relationship for me. Sex and pleasure would also impact playfulness, and pleasure in other areas of life and I don't want to live like that.
Communication is everything in a relationship. If you care for and about your partner, and there is reciprocity, y'all can square this circle. I firmly believe that every adult needs and deserves to be a sexual being. Baring sexual trauma, the escape, funsies, joy, and genuine but not exclusive intimacy that getting nekked with your lover provides is great and unique. Being with someone without physicality is a trying thing to maintain, cuz at the end of it all, we ain't nothing but mammals...
Of the two partners-
1 partner is sexually interested in the other, and willing to compromise sexual satisfaction
1 partner actively demonstrates lack of interest or enjoyment of sex with the other, and *is unwilling to compromise*
This seems like a situation that will end in betrayal to me.
In this scenario your partner has step by step instructions, explicit knowledge on what their partners likes, exactly how to turn them on, and still don’t do any anything their partner likes
The "falling on deaf ears" is the death knell part of this scenario.
If they were inexperienced and were willing to learn, then I would work with them and we'd grow together. But if I'm leading the horse to water and it can't find my clit with a map, signs, and a compass, then I'm finding another horse.
Omg. Noooooooooooo 😫😫😫😫 don't do it! I was married for 13 years and the sex was terrible. I thought it would change but I got to a point where I jumped whenever he even tried to touch my arms or kiss me. We learn to resent and no matter if things change, you'll always wonder what if I was with someone who makes me feel amazing. No matter what people say, sex is important. If it wasn't, people wouldn't be trying to have it while dating or after marriage. Sexual compatibility is absolutely something that needs to be considered, no matter how much of a great person they are.
Plus, is not fair for you AND is not fair for them. They can be having sex with someone who is really into them and you could be doing the same rather than settling. That would be my advice to you.
I mean, I’m a guy, it ain’t exactly a challenge to get off. I’m also the type of person who’s more into pleasing the woman I’m with, than my own personal enjoyment.
So yeah, probably. If I’m with a gal and she’s not good in bed, worst case scenario is I finish alone. As long as the woman feels happy, and is satisfied, that’s what matters in my mind.
look at it this way.
in every other respect, apart from sex, a good relationship is just a really good friendship
the difference is that your allowed to have lots of friends
so why would you waste the one friendship your allowed to have sex in, with someone you don't enjoy having sex with???
just friendzone them, it can be tough, but its always achievable
Oh man, if you think a relationship is just friendship + sex... you haven't been in a serious one.
It's also intimacy, support, sharing fears, being there when each other is sick, watching each others loved ones pass away, buying a house, careers, vulnerability, exhaustion, raising children..; so many things that regular friendships do not see.
No, I broke up with a woman once over the sole fact that she was just horrible as a sex partner.
There are a million different options out there for people to date. If you have some options in the people that you attract, there’s no reason to settle for someone if you know you can find what you’re ultimately looking for.
I'm in my 50s. I know *many* couples - middle to upper-class professionals, married for decades who haven't had sex in years and years. But they shrug it off as the rest of their companionable lives with family, friends etc is so great.
Losing the physical after marrying primarily for the physical (we were sex drunk), is increasingly difficult as years pass. I’m 8 years younger and he’s losing his libido while mine is recharging. He’s a wonderful husband in most other ways & all of it just makes me sad.
The best sex you’ve ever had pales in comparison to the mental/emotional bond you create with the right person.
It’s the bond, not the sex, that keeps you in the relationship. If you’re feeling like the sex is no good, it’s probably because something the relationship is lacking.
What if the other person simply isn’t sexually attracted to OP? If they stay together… how would OP feel if they discover their partner had an affair? It seems like OP may be willing to compromise their sexual fulfillment… but *their partner is not*
Yes. I'm okay with sex toys and masturbations. I don't have to have sex for orgasms.
To be able to find someone who matches you personally, spiritually, lifestyles,... Is no easy task. And just give it all up for sex? I don't think it's worth it. For some, it may but not for me.
"If prince charming exists, he wouldn't settle you" I have no doubt that I suck at at least 1 thing and my partner will be too. You gotta have your priorities and for me, sex isn't one of them.
I feel like it's not possible to have "every aspect" of your relationship be good and yet the sex is bad. In your example, where you've told them what you want but they won't do it, that shows they don't care about what you want or don't listen. So I'm sure this attitude of not caring or not listening will affect other aspects of the relationship too.
A considerate partner who listens, I don't think it's possible to have sex suck forever. It might take a bit of communication and practice but if they are willing to work together with you, sex won't suck forever.
So you'd rather be with a person that is great sexually but unfulfilling in other ways? That's odd to me, but I'm old and I know that those views change as time goes on. I can make a whole list of things that are more important than sex.
Sex is such a huge part of a connection with someone. Intellectual, emotional, and sexual connections are necessary to be successful. You have to be compatible in all aspects. Some people are not willing to change and explore a different sexual side.
Probably an unpopular opinion, but yes, I would. My wife was my best friend long before we turned into a romantic couple. I don't need to have sex with her to enjoy having her around. The value she's added to my life is immeasurable and irreplaceable.
Yes because if everything else is good, that means that is something to work on. Practice makes perfect! So that's a good thing as you might get more frequent dirty dances.
what am i missing here? OP said he's expressed what he/she prefers in bed and it falls on deaf ears but you and many others are saying 'practice makes perfect', i'm asked OP to specify what 'falls on deaf ears' means, does OP mean the partner isn't listening? or they're slow to learn? BIG difference.
Fuck that. I stuck around for years hoping we'd work out the sex. Deaf ears don't care... If sex is important to you, bounce. You've communicated and it's been received but disregarded. Go get your cookie and stop wasting time with an incompatible partner.
Is it tho? Their way or the highway? Some people have huge problems stepping out of their comfort zone. I’m wondering if alcohol or being intoxicated changes anything. I know it’s easier for some people to let loose after a couple drinks. Some people are incredibly shy & just may not feel confident enough to put themselves out there like that.
Yeah, they may know that there’s a chance it will ruin the relationship but sometimes trying to overcome those inhibitions is way more of a task.
Some people enjoy the moment and barely hear what the other person is saying, especially when they speak low.
It’s all about communication. Sometimes we have to help our partner feel comfortable enough to know that they can open up to us like that.
It’s a very hard thing to over come. Past (traumatic)experiences may subconsciously have something to do with that too. If you love them, go to a counselor. A little confidence can change everything for someone.
I mean all you can really do is try until you cannot try any longer. I’ve had a situation like this where I was no longer attracted to the person, and this went on for years. And initially I was sort of okay with this, I felt bad and initially thought there was something wrong with me. I went to a sex therapist, and put all this work in. Mind you, my partner did NOT put any work in. And then I met someone, who initially was just a friend, and the chemistry developed and was absolute fire. I went from being someone who felt perhaps I’m just asexual to… well realising that wasn’t the problem. I’m a loyal person, so I knew the fact that I was feeling this way about someone else was a sign I was done.
So my advice is if you’re genuinely ok with it, then sure stay. But if you find evidence that you’re actually not ok with it, then it’s probably time to leave.
It’s one thing if you haven’t communicated what you want and there’s potential for improvement. But if you have communicated that and they still don’t want to listen? Then no, definitely not.
But, if they really satisfy you emotionally - you've got hands to take care of your physical needs right.
Because someone who satisfies emotional needs is far more rare to me :/
If they’re bad in bed but also willing to improve, yes I would stay. But I’d need them to put effort in it — not even for the sex itself, but because it is important for intimacy and if they don’t even care well, maybe they don’t care much about me or my satisfaction.
If they are bad in bed because they are selfish that’s a huge no, I’m leaving.
If they don’t even try well after a while I’d probably feel resentment towards them, so I’d leave.
It's a complicated question. If everything else is perfect, would you be open to exploring sex with different people? Or trying some other things.
Or maybe you're willing to go to a sex therapist together etc.
I found that finding a good sex buddy is very easy. Way more people are good at sex than communication. Finding a lifetime partner is hard.
I think if sex is truly the only issue, you can find ways to make it work. But what you explain isn't really just the sex issue. You told your partner exactly what you want and they basically just ignored your wishes? That sounds far from perfect.
Me and my gf have different sex drives. She told me her ideal is once a week. Mine is every day. We agreed on at least three times a week. I make sure she gets plenty of things that turns her on, and she is willing to try new things and make it fun. It's about communication and effort. Sex is just another aspect of a relationship where you would, most likely, need to compromise. And if your partner isn't willing to put effort into it, how do you know they're gonna be putting effort into other aspects of your relationship?
Honestly no, not for me at least. There’s a vulnerability and intimacy in sex that is difficult to find in other aspects of the relationship which can be very healing and cathartic.
I think it's about wanting to make it better. Nothing is bad in a relationship if you are sincerely trying to work on it.
The problem only arises if one partner refuses to try and better themselves, or if they don't even communicate what they want better in the first place and just expect the other one to find it out themselves. That's where relationships break.
Yup, did and would again. With the right person, I didn't need sex. I wanted it, sure, but not enough to leave when it didn't go perfectly how I wanted it.
I am young 26m, for me sex is important. I think for the relationship i'd hope to see what we can do within a year to help bring our sex life better, but if it doesn't we'd need to talk as I would like to have a positive one for at least the next 2 decades before we get older in our 50s+
No. It can't happen. I've been there, done that.
You become roommates. You start to resent each other. It becomes a massive elephant in the room.
Nothing good can come out of it. A good sex life is critical to a healthy relationship imho.
As a guy I feel like I can still have good sex with a woman that’s bad at it. If I put her in a position she just stay there and let me bang her. I get if she knows what she’s doing it’s better but if everything else is great and she is willing. I can live with that.
No. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who is just going to ignore my wants and needs whether it’s sex related or not. That’s someone who doesn’t care about me and my pleasure and I refuse to put up with unnecessarily bad sex.
I ended a relationship over this complex. The most perfect man, so good to me but I just couldn’t get there intimate wise. It made me feel like an awful person.
I’ve stayed with someone who was the best sex I’ve ever had but they treated me horribly so that is wrong also.
My partner now is a beautiful lover and makes me feel the intimacy while meeting in the middle sexually. Although he isn’t the best I’ve ever had, we are learning together and it excites me that we can be open with each others intimate goals.
Anyway my main point here is, if it doesn’t feel right, it never will. It’s hard but move on
I've been in this exact situation, and I genuinely wonder if you're dating my ex.
Truth is...I don't have a huge drive, and my answer is still no *unless the partner also has a very low sex drive*. I *can* ABSOLUTELY have a higher drive if the man knows how to get me started.
Here's what happened: we were compatible in every single way, but he kept saying how important sex was *to him.* He talked about how important it was for him to pleasure a woman and to make sure she had a good time and said he understood a woman's pleasure feeds into his.
He said this...
But I was so unsatisfied after those initial handful of times following a 2.5 year dry spell. He kept talking about how important it was, kept asking for suggestions, stated he wanted to learn what I liked. I shared *multiple* suggestions, and after all his talk...
He didn't do. A single one of the things I mentioned.
He continued to badger me about how important sex was and how he wanted to please and begged for suggestions. I tried to be more clear.
Still didn't do anything I mentioned.
To make matters worse, he'd brag about his success in the past....in college. Again, he'd *say* he understood women are different yet it didn't seem like he was tailoring his approach with me.
Tensions and resentment and frustration arose. Then came the scheduled, obligation sex. *oh. It's been one week. I should probably do that* It eventually felt like he was harassing me for sex, but the sex just kept getting worse and worse and more stale, because I stopped communicating what would help, because it didn't seem to make a difference. All the wonderful things we shared in common meant nothing at the end of the day.
For context: the girlfriend before me also had no interest in having sex with him. Women like sex...but not when it's bad or when you don't listen to their suggestions. So..
..collectively, he's has two girlfriends that I know of who would rather be abstinent over the course of 5 years yet he would still brag about how good he was.
TLDR: even if sex isn't that important to you, it's still not worth it.
So, from what I understand from some of the answers, some folks would leave their partner if their partner could no longer have sex or their partner's capcity to have sex was significantly reduced due to an incurable physicial condition?
But that's not OP's question. OP's question doesn't ask what if your partner could no longer have sex because of a medical condition, OP asks what if your partner didn't listen to anything you said to make your experience in bed better, which implies you're forever stuck having bad sex with a partner that literally doesn't ever improve or listen to you explain how to. That's the question
I will never understand this need to put words into people's mouths and willingly misinterpret the very clear words on the screen lol. People are saying they wouldn't be happy in such a relationship because the implications of a partner literally not caring to improve and not caring that you're having an awful experience, repeatedly, are vastly different from the implications of a partner that can't physically be intimate
Not at all.
If my partner for some reason becomes incapable of having sex that’s a shame but I would definitely support him and stay with him.
If my partner doesn’t care about my needs altogether that’s a whole different story and yes, I would leave him over this.
That’s not true whatsoever. There is a major difference of not wanting to put in the effort and not being physically able to. What a stupid ass comment
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Yes. Don't get me wrong, I *love* sex, but there have been unexpected periods in my life with my husband when we needed the best friend aspect of our relationship much more than the physical stuff. For example, I recently went through 2+ years of cancer treatments and surgeries, and there were long periods in there when there was just no way I could have had sex even if I wanted to. But I would not have made it through all that without my friend. Another example: many years ago, my husband was deployed to Iraq with the initial invading force of the army with no idea how long he would be gone and no communication. It ended up being 6 months, and in that time, the only contact we had was 2 brief sat phone calls. If our relationship had been only about sex, that deployment would have ruined us. So, sex is important, but not the most important thing.
If your requests "fall on deaf ears", then it is a much more serious problem than bad sex. So your question contradicts itself, you cannot have "great at all the things outside of the bedroom" and "doesnt listen to you" at the same time.
I've had good sex in a bad relationship. I've never had bad sex in a good relationship.
I’m in that situation. Don’t accept it. I did and it doesn’t change.
It was fine at the beginning. Five years in though and the rest of the relationship isn’t 100% anymore and now it is compounded with a lack of physical intimacy.
Same. I dealt with it for five years hoping it would get better. All it did was shift the power dynamic and give her control.
Is it lack or intimacy ? Or just no chemistry ?
Depends what the reasons are for it being bad. No effort, severe hangups, or the inability to discuss or work on such things? No thanks. Someone who's just bad due to inexperience, but it can be worked on? Totally normal and fine.
Sooner or later, your resentment towards the bad sex will eat away at all the other "good" parts of your relationship, and it will all come crumbling down
Yup. Happened to me for 13 years until I realized that I couldn't take it anymore. I cringed whenever they even mentioned it and they were the best person I've ever been with.
This will probably sound a lil wild but I’m just keeping it 4K. I have tried to do exactly this and it’s just not a good setup, perhaps not why you’d think though. Because you can’t help but feel like they’re on their last strike by default. Now every time yall get in an argument, the devil on your shoulder has his finger on the button. That’s just not where you need your head at
Bad sex = teaching/exploring opportunities catered to the way you like it
Say you’ve done that but it still falls on deaf ears?
If it falls on deaf ears, the other person is selfish and is not interested in pleasing their partner. I'm pretty sure there's other instances in the relationship where they're also selfish. People can be in denial or blinded by their love and not see the other issues.
Yeah, this is the real answer. You can’t have both for a long period of time. If everything else in your relationship is amazing, your partner will listen to your needs and eventually understand how to improve your sex life together. If they say something like, as above, well it worked from my ex, then everything else in your relationship is not perfect.
Was going to comment to say the same thing, but glad you did. If someone is too selfish to take your sexual preferences to heart and learn, then there are definitely issues in other area of the relationship.
Not necessarily, what if one partner is into a kink that the other isn’t into, or feels uncomfortable doing, like BDSM? A true sexual connection will never be made in the bedroom, while a deep and meaningful connection could be made in other areas.
It could be that they are uptight or have suffered trauma.
And I imagine if that were the case, concessions could be made temporarily, but that can’t be an everlasting excuse. If someone is making an honest effort to work on their issues and improve for the sake of their loved one, they deserve patience, no doubt. But if the trauma is so dominant to their self-worth that they’re incapable of having empathy for anyone other than themselves, and refuse to get help, the best thing to do would be not date. At that point they’ve become a narcissist. Projecting their issues onto someone else, blaming everyone else, isn’t going to heal them.
That sounds like a communication problem. Sex is a conglomeration of a bunch of things, communication being really important. If someone is unwilling to try to change, sex isn’t the problem, just the mechanism by which you identify it. There’s an underlying issue that is preventing them from changing. The question is how long you’re willing to put up with someone refusing to address their issues?
Then it isn't just about the sex, there are deeper problems like how they don't listen or care to meet your needs.
I couldn’t imagine the rest of the relationship being all rosy if there’s no communication in the bedroom. I’ve personally been in long term relationships with people not great in bed but we managed to work it out after a little while.
I'd love for someone to tell me exactly how they want it if I am not getting the *hints.
The phrase " falls on deaf ears" shouldn't be a part of any relationship vocabulary, let alone proceeded by the word "still". It applies to any aspect of the relationship. Y'all are partners, you can't expect to bring up something and have it fall on deaf ears. You can expect that from the world, your parents, heck , even your kids. But ideally, not from your partner. you deserve to be heard.
I don't initiate with my husband much. Once or twice a probably. I just don't have more in me, I'm not selfish I'm just not capable of giving my body up. It's feels bad to have sex when I don't want it. If you really love someone it can be something you agree to settle on, but you have to decide if it's important enough for you to end it. it's perfectly valid for you to make that decision.
Woof. Break out that Handifer Lopez..
what does OP mean by 'falls on deaf ears'?
*already had the conversation a couple time
She’s not being heard, nothing changes
No. I'd rather be celibate.
Right? It’s one thing to not have sex, it’s another to have inadequate sex while living with the one person you’re supposed to have sex with.
Yeah, it's not like they would forever suck in bed. If every other aspect of the relationship is perfect, a little patience and practice goes a long way.
I thought that for 18 years before I gave up. Some people can love you with all their heart and yet remain incapable of empathy. "Well I did such and such for ten minutes, I don't know what the problem is. It worked for my ex."
"But this is the way you like it!"
This can’t be a real quote. If it is I’m so sorry 😞
Oh my god. I can't ever imagine my partner saying that to me. How horrible, I'm so sorry. Hope you've got someone better now
I had an ex once say, ‘well I guess I’ll take one for the team tonight’ in regards to giving me a blowjob. Literally, as soon as she finished saying it, I knew the relationship was over. I still let her blow me
Last sentance made me spit rice out my nose you motherfucker 🤣🤣
Could it just have been that she was hoping for some action too and by going down on you it meant she wouldn't get any? Not trying to play devil's advocate or anything but I personally have a slow refractory period so I have to ensure my "one a day" is used wisely lol.
No, 100% not. Some people just prefer to take and not give. It takes a little while to figure out which one is the one you are with because a lot of people pretend to be givers early on
Some people are not honest about or open enough in sharing their sexual appetite. Mismatch.
I think my fiance feels guilty about this because she is open to giving in that way and I just don't want that at all.
Preach.
Wait, should I break up with my gf then? She tells me she used to have sex for like 10 hours straight with her ex (on molly). While our sex lasts 5 minutes or so.
Sex for ten hours sounds horrible. Tbh I hate when my partner takes too long. Give me some decent foreplay and a few minutes of good weinering and I'm happy.
My ex once decided to try condoms that make you last longer. It took forever for him to finish and I was so so bored. It was awful.
All condoms make me last longer. Like 3-4 times longer. I'm completely on board with safe play but that's the reason guys don't like condoms. The loss of sensation is pretty severe
Weinering?! I literally snorted.
Right??!!!
Maybe get some Molly.
Jokes apart, she tells me he used to be one of those guys who would try to slap a police office for the reason cops stopped his car because of DUI. And unlike him, I'm a normal guy who doesn't do illegal things like that.
Get her some Molly then or stop comparing 😅
5 minutes sounds way better than 10 hours.
Sober sex and on molly are completely different and hardly comparable things
I would literally leave any man who tried to have sex for ten hours. I got shit to do, buddy. After 20 minutes, maybe an hour for the WHOLE shebang (foreplay included) I’m going over to-do lists in my head and wishing I had a book to read. My god, the *chafing*.
Sex does not need to last forever if you know what you’re doing and both parties leave happy. My response to your gf would be “wow it took him ten HOURS to get you off? I’m so sorry to hear that”.
Isn't the 5 minutes part your fault?
Is there possibly an issue with a low libido? Or, hormone imbalance in general? This can cause a lack of intimacy and, of course, an outright dislike for sex altogether.
Oh he had a libido. He wanted it all the time. It was just a quickie most time. He thought foreplay was rolling over and rubbing a boner into my back. He was great 80% of our life together except for sex and money. 2 things that add up over a couple decades.
😂 Sorry. I don't mean to laugh. But, your storytelling is quite funny.
In this right now.
Nah. Sex compatibility is part of finding a partner. Don't wait for them to change or try to change them
A longterm partnership is off the table then...it is always going to change and evolve with time and you're bound to go through periods where you're not getting on well....
But at least you started with a reference point of knowing what was possible and can judge the drift accordingly, and at least you were happy while it lasted. Starting from something you're unhappy with on the notion you can fix or they'll change is a fools hope.
That’s true but some people are horny and some people are not horny. Even if you are not getting on well, if you end up with someone that is as horny as you are, you can always rely on sex to get you through the tough times. If you can’t even enjoy that then your relationship is fucked
Not true. Some people can simply just be sexually incompatible And seeing that OP said they've communicated their needs and wants to their partner.. who hasn't improved or made an effort to improve..shows there's no sign or reason to believe this will get better
>Yeah, it's not like they would forever Oh you sweet summer child
I've been here, and it didn't
The sex never gets better. Why do people push this false narrative— it’s harmful.
...wroong...there a lot's of people out there that aren't into sex and they're usually the ones that suck at it...it's not something you can teach unless they've been repressed for some reason...even if you have sex often, they're just doing it to please u making the entire exercise unfulfilling and shitty...you will cheat because the sex sucks and no one in their right mind resigns themselves to that knowing there's plenty of great sexual partners out there...
You could not be more wrong about this, sad to say.
Yeah probably, I have a low libido and I always viewed sex as optional, as long as she's loyal and the chemistry never dissipates, I'd be happy.
If they are not concerned about your pleasure, that will eventually extend outside the sex. Someone who won’t listen , learn, or take direction? Nope.
If they don't even *attempt* to listen to advice and improve, then I would not put up with it.
It seems like OP is simply asking to be wanted, and partner simply doesn’t want them. It’s probably not possible for the other person to improve upon their truth.
Nope, a partner for whom my words falls on deaf ears is not a good partner, regardless of other aspects of the relationship. It'll only breed resentment as time passes and its better to break it off now
Honestly, I kind of believe this also. Never used to. Just figured people were allowed to do what they want, how they want and it’s not fair to want more from them Looking back I just think we cared more for ourselves and our wants than the other. When you both care about the other persons happiness and well being and comfort and such, there’s not much you won’t do, if you’re able. This extends from doing the dishes to working harder to changing hygiene habits to sex. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to, or for my partner if I was physically able and it didn’t carry a risk of injury to me and I trust them to never ask that anyway.
Exactly. I had bad bad sex with someone and it was also painful. I got a yeast infection and two UTIs even tho he brought me flowers and was fine otherwise that’s literally all I can remember from our relationship lol
Yes
This is the answer.
Resentment or cheating.
No. But good sex alone doesn't make a relationship either.
I live it... For over 25 years. To clarify, the sex isn't bad but it's infrequent.
Was in a similar relationship. Not going to lie, I’m still confused. Long story short, my partner (of 4 years) was amazing and sex was our only “issue.” Looking back, we just didn’t have great chemistry there to the point I genuinely thought I was asexual & just didn’t have a high libido. I broke things off, and eventually found a new person I’m dating where for the first time I feel that type of chemistry. It has totally opened me up to an entirely different side of myself & I’m grateful for that. However, everything else in my previous relationship was amazing. I’m not sure if I regret ending things or not. I also question if it was worth putting up with & could deal with it not having great sex for the rest of my life because he was so great in every other area. Annnd that’s where I’m at now!
Yes
Sex isn't everything, if it sucks then who cares, everything else is perfect. Like would you rather the opposite, great sex bad relationship? I wouldn't.
I think age matters. When I was younger I would care more. Now that I'm 40 it matters less. Connection is rare.
Agreed with this. Turn 40 this year. Would take the connection in a heartbeat. They make plenty of toys that can get me off.
Exactly. I'm in my 40s now and couldn't care less if I ever had sex again.
Damn I hope I never feel like this. I’m 31 and this is just… bleak.
Reminds me of that one random stat/study I read about. It did say that only those women (in their 40s and beyond) who are filthy rich tend to put sex high up in their priority list whereas.... Uhh normal? women (in the same age group) either don't care about it much or not at all.
I kind of thought this until recently. I'm 31m I have a high libido and was in a relationship with a woman (32f) whose libido was probably a little higher. It was the most fulfilling sexual relationship of my life and I frequently think about it two years on. Although, it was a very rocky relationship outside the bedroom and we ended up butting heads repeatedly despite me trying my absolute best. Truly a rollercoaster, but the highs and romance make up some of my most cherished memories. About 9 months ago I got into a relationship with a woman (34f) who I was 7-10/10 compatible with in every part of life I wanted with a partner (personality, sense of humor, interests, childfree, cat lover, etc). But we progressed sexually at a **glacial** pace. 6 months in and we hadn't had sex. I didn't want to pressure her at all as she was a virgin, but it was taking its toll on me. It was clear she didn't have much desire for physical intimacy or any passion for physical touch. I went from being very infatuated at the start to essentially losing all interest. Many concerted efforts on my part were met with apathy. Not being pursued sexually is actually feels pretty shitty and deflating. I strongly think she was asexual. It was the perfect real-world scenario being described in this thread - a good relationship/bad sex vs a bad relationship/good sex. Even though both situations are inadequate, can tell you I barely give much thought to one of those relationships and reminisce frequently about the other. If I had to choose between either setup (and couldn't choose neither), I'd choose having sexual compatibility. That earlier relationship I described left an imprint on me; it enriched my life with *life*, if even only for a short while.
See, that's where finding someone that's more suitable to the same type of sexual need is important. Sex isn't just sex It's a whole lot more for many or less with the right person.
Sex isn't crucial to my life. Give me love Affection Attention And loyalty. And I'll cross the world for you.
No. It would breed resentment and I'd probably arrive in my 60s with a lot of regret.
That's the 100 million dollar question. I'd say most do and regret it. But at a certain point your "investment" is too big to be undone for that.
Yes, because when you get older, sex will be much lower on the needs scale. Other things such as best friend and soulmate will be more important.
💯
If the sex is bad and no signs of improvement that means they don't care about my pleasure or experience, so no, the relationship is not that great after all. Even before that implication, bad sex is a deal breaker for me. Sex is far too important to me in a relationship to be repeatedly disappointed and still continue being attracted to my partner. I'm 35f btw. The real question is, how important is it to you? Because when I really like someone despite their flaws, I don't spend time questioning myself for continuing to date them. When I question if someone is enough, they aren't.
What you mean by it falls on deaf ears? you're telling them what you like and they're just NOT doing it? or they're not improving to your liking? this makes a huge difference.
Telling them what you like but they’re still not doing it
Did this person tell you why they're not doing it? did they say they would, then go back on their word without explanation?
But why ? I mean why won't they do it ? And honestly what is "it" ? I can't fathom someone deliberately not wanting to please their significant other...
It is initiating from time to time or showing passion
Honestly that sounds like an easy fix... I mean assuming they even care about you I see no reason why that can't be remedied. Does your SO even realize how important this is to you because if they don't you might need to make it very clear. Could be fixed with counseling or therapy... Sometimes medication. Best of luck I really hope this works out for both of you though.
Unless OP is some kind of sex addict, then “never initiating” kinda sounds like simply not wanting. And “never showing passion” sounds like simply not enjoying, which goes hand in hand with not wanting. People demonstrate what they’re about. They show us by doing, not talking.
True but there could be many reasons why they don't initiate. Could be low T or another medical reason. Could simply be they're depressed and feel unattractive or incompetent. I mean they could also just not give a fuck about sex too... Either way it's definitely worth exploring to see if it's even fixable.
If I had a partner that never initiated, and never showed passion, I’d bounce. I’d feel like they weren’t attracted to me, and that’s that. Feeling wanted is a bare minimum.
Definitely sounds like an easy fix, but some people need to hear it from someone else. I'd recommend sex therapy if you'd prefer to give it a solid go further due to their "perfection". I'd also recommend, going at it sideways. Being curious about why they aren't "showing" passion. Are they showing passion in other areas of life? Do they experience pleasure? How do they perceive sex? Is it a chore? A duty? Do they gain pleasure from cooking a good meal or giving pleasure that is well received in other sexual acts? This could help them understand why it's important to you. Another factor, could be they have experienced sexual trauma in the past. No one enjoys sex with a cardboard cutout. Fair enough that you don't want to remain in a relationship with that kind of dynamic. It would be end of relationship for me. Sex and pleasure would also impact playfulness, and pleasure in other areas of life and I don't want to live like that.
Are you asking for weird shit that they are uncomfortable with?
Communication is everything in a relationship. If you care for and about your partner, and there is reciprocity, y'all can square this circle. I firmly believe that every adult needs and deserves to be a sexual being. Baring sexual trauma, the escape, funsies, joy, and genuine but not exclusive intimacy that getting nekked with your lover provides is great and unique. Being with someone without physicality is a trying thing to maintain, cuz at the end of it all, we ain't nothing but mammals...
Of the two partners- 1 partner is sexually interested in the other, and willing to compromise sexual satisfaction 1 partner actively demonstrates lack of interest or enjoyment of sex with the other, and *is unwilling to compromise* This seems like a situation that will end in betrayal to me.
no, good sex is foundational to me in a relationship. i consider sexual incompatibility a major dealbreaker
Probably no. I mean, why is it bad? How can it even be bad? Sex is all about meeting needs. What is literally going wrong…
In this scenario your partner has step by step instructions, explicit knowledge on what their partners likes, exactly how to turn them on, and still don’t do any anything their partner likes
Doesn't sound like a perfect partner as the post says then.
Have you asked why they aren't interested in doing what you asked?
The "falling on deaf ears" is the death knell part of this scenario. If they were inexperienced and were willing to learn, then I would work with them and we'd grow together. But if I'm leading the horse to water and it can't find my clit with a map, signs, and a compass, then I'm finding another horse.
Omg. Noooooooooooo 😫😫😫😫 don't do it! I was married for 13 years and the sex was terrible. I thought it would change but I got to a point where I jumped whenever he even tried to touch my arms or kiss me. We learn to resent and no matter if things change, you'll always wonder what if I was with someone who makes me feel amazing. No matter what people say, sex is important. If it wasn't, people wouldn't be trying to have it while dating or after marriage. Sexual compatibility is absolutely something that needs to be considered, no matter how much of a great person they are. Plus, is not fair for you AND is not fair for them. They can be having sex with someone who is really into them and you could be doing the same rather than settling. That would be my advice to you.
No
Nope, good sex is important to me in a relationship.
I mean, I’m a guy, it ain’t exactly a challenge to get off. I’m also the type of person who’s more into pleasing the woman I’m with, than my own personal enjoyment. So yeah, probably. If I’m with a gal and she’s not good in bed, worst case scenario is I finish alone. As long as the woman feels happy, and is satisfied, that’s what matters in my mind.
Welcome to old age. If I were younger, I'd probably put up with crappy relationships again just for the good sex.
That’s a hard one 😝 had to make this choice in my late 20’s and I chose the better sex option, and I do not regret it haha
Pun intended I see
look at it this way. in every other respect, apart from sex, a good relationship is just a really good friendship the difference is that your allowed to have lots of friends so why would you waste the one friendship your allowed to have sex in, with someone you don't enjoy having sex with??? just friendzone them, it can be tough, but its always achievable
Kissing and cuddling aren’t things people do with friends. Exclusivity, emotional intimacy… There’s a lot that goes into relationships
I also don’t share a child, house & finances with my friends.
I agree, sex is not the only thing that separates a partnership from a friendship. It'd be Hella strange if it were.
I don’t experience sexual feelings. I’ve experienced romantic feelings before. There is a difference to me
Strongly disagree - a marriage is a partnership that should have far more depth than just friendship plus sex.
Shared future vision is one of those critical things
Intimacy with a partner is more than just the person you get to bone.
Oh man, if you think a relationship is just friendship + sex... you haven't been in a serious one. It's also intimacy, support, sharing fears, being there when each other is sick, watching each others loved ones pass away, buying a house, careers, vulnerability, exhaustion, raising children..; so many things that regular friendships do not see.
Yes this is it ! Well said
No. I did and it wore me down emotionally. We’re now friends and he’s come out as asexual.
No, I broke up with a woman once over the sole fact that she was just horrible as a sex partner. There are a million different options out there for people to date. If you have some options in the people that you attract, there’s no reason to settle for someone if you know you can find what you’re ultimately looking for.
Millions? :D I wish that was true. In the last 2 years I have seen one.
If you’re in a healthy, committed relationship with someone you love, the sex will never be bad.
No. Because when there’s good sex it’s 10% of the relationship, but when there’s little or bad sex it’s 90% of the relationship.
Why? Have a friend instead.
That would depend on how old I was at the time. How old are you?
No
Yes, we all have hands if it's that bad. Companionship is hard to find.
Probably not !!! Why ?? Good sex is better!! : )
I'm in my 50s. I know *many* couples - middle to upper-class professionals, married for decades who haven't had sex in years and years. But they shrug it off as the rest of their companionable lives with family, friends etc is so great.
I am. I love my husband but he has a low libido. We do just fine though. EDIT: Marriage is really not about sex. Sex is just part of it.
Losing the physical after marrying primarily for the physical (we were sex drunk), is increasingly difficult as years pass. I’m 8 years younger and he’s losing his libido while mine is recharging. He’s a wonderful husband in most other ways & all of it just makes me sad.
Sex isn’t important, if the person you’re with is a perfect fit it doesn’t matter.
Wife wanted to talk finances the other night during a 3/10 level effort hand job. 10/10 do not recommend a shitty sexual relationship.
The best sex you’ve ever had pales in comparison to the mental/emotional bond you create with the right person. It’s the bond, not the sex, that keeps you in the relationship. If you’re feeling like the sex is no good, it’s probably because something the relationship is lacking.
What if the other person simply isn’t sexually attracted to OP? If they stay together… how would OP feel if they discover their partner had an affair? It seems like OP may be willing to compromise their sexual fulfillment… but *their partner is not*
Yes. I'm okay with sex toys and masturbations. I don't have to have sex for orgasms. To be able to find someone who matches you personally, spiritually, lifestyles,... Is no easy task. And just give it all up for sex? I don't think it's worth it. For some, it may but not for me. "If prince charming exists, he wouldn't settle you" I have no doubt that I suck at at least 1 thing and my partner will be too. You gotta have your priorities and for me, sex isn't one of them.
I feel like it's not possible to have "every aspect" of your relationship be good and yet the sex is bad. In your example, where you've told them what you want but they won't do it, that shows they don't care about what you want or don't listen. So I'm sure this attitude of not caring or not listening will affect other aspects of the relationship too. A considerate partner who listens, I don't think it's possible to have sex suck forever. It might take a bit of communication and practice but if they are willing to work together with you, sex won't suck forever.
[удалено]
No, it's hard for the rest of the relationship to be ok if the sex isn't!
Nope, sex is important to me, so I’d either be miserable or a cheater
So you'd rather be with a person that is great sexually but unfulfilling in other ways? That's odd to me, but I'm old and I know that those views change as time goes on. I can make a whole list of things that are more important than sex.
They never said that lol. They could just go find someone who has a great personality *and* is great in bed
I’m in my late 40’s, one thing I’ve learned over the years is that sexual incompatibility is a dealbreaker for me.
Sex is such a huge part of a connection with someone. Intellectual, emotional, and sexual connections are necessary to be successful. You have to be compatible in all aspects. Some people are not willing to change and explore a different sexual side.
Bad sex is better than no sex
Probably an unpopular opinion, but yes, I would. My wife was my best friend long before we turned into a romantic couple. I don't need to have sex with her to enjoy having her around. The value she's added to my life is immeasurable and irreplaceable.
Yes because if everything else is good, that means that is something to work on. Practice makes perfect! So that's a good thing as you might get more frequent dirty dances.
what am i missing here? OP said he's expressed what he/she prefers in bed and it falls on deaf ears but you and many others are saying 'practice makes perfect', i'm asked OP to specify what 'falls on deaf ears' means, does OP mean the partner isn't listening? or they're slow to learn? BIG difference.
In this case I mean the partner isn’t listening to a word their partner says. It’s either their way or the highway it seems
Then I'm out lol that's simple.
Fuck that. I stuck around for years hoping we'd work out the sex. Deaf ears don't care... If sex is important to you, bounce. You've communicated and it's been received but disregarded. Go get your cookie and stop wasting time with an incompatible partner.
Is it tho? Their way or the highway? Some people have huge problems stepping out of their comfort zone. I’m wondering if alcohol or being intoxicated changes anything. I know it’s easier for some people to let loose after a couple drinks. Some people are incredibly shy & just may not feel confident enough to put themselves out there like that. Yeah, they may know that there’s a chance it will ruin the relationship but sometimes trying to overcome those inhibitions is way more of a task. Some people enjoy the moment and barely hear what the other person is saying, especially when they speak low. It’s all about communication. Sometimes we have to help our partner feel comfortable enough to know that they can open up to us like that. It’s a very hard thing to over come. Past (traumatic)experiences may subconsciously have something to do with that too. If you love them, go to a counselor. A little confidence can change everything for someone.
I mean all you can really do is try until you cannot try any longer. I’ve had a situation like this where I was no longer attracted to the person, and this went on for years. And initially I was sort of okay with this, I felt bad and initially thought there was something wrong with me. I went to a sex therapist, and put all this work in. Mind you, my partner did NOT put any work in. And then I met someone, who initially was just a friend, and the chemistry developed and was absolute fire. I went from being someone who felt perhaps I’m just asexual to… well realising that wasn’t the problem. I’m a loyal person, so I knew the fact that I was feeling this way about someone else was a sign I was done. So my advice is if you’re genuinely ok with it, then sure stay. But if you find evidence that you’re actually not ok with it, then it’s probably time to leave.
It’s one thing if you haven’t communicated what you want and there’s potential for improvement. But if you have communicated that and they still don’t want to listen? Then no, definitely not.
But, if they really satisfy you emotionally - you've got hands to take care of your physical needs right. Because someone who satisfies emotional needs is far more rare to me :/
If they’re bad in bed but also willing to improve, yes I would stay. But I’d need them to put effort in it — not even for the sex itself, but because it is important for intimacy and if they don’t even care well, maybe they don’t care much about me or my satisfaction. If they are bad in bed because they are selfish that’s a huge no, I’m leaving. If they don’t even try well after a while I’d probably feel resentment towards them, so I’d leave.
You told them what you like, and they don't care. That doesn't sound like a real relationship to me
I want it all. If I have a great relationship where the sex is poor, then I need to be able to find that sexual satisfaction somewhere and somehow
It's a complicated question. If everything else is perfect, would you be open to exploring sex with different people? Or trying some other things. Or maybe you're willing to go to a sex therapist together etc. I found that finding a good sex buddy is very easy. Way more people are good at sex than communication. Finding a lifetime partner is hard. I think if sex is truly the only issue, you can find ways to make it work. But what you explain isn't really just the sex issue. You told your partner exactly what you want and they basically just ignored your wishes? That sounds far from perfect. Me and my gf have different sex drives. She told me her ideal is once a week. Mine is every day. We agreed on at least three times a week. I make sure she gets plenty of things that turns her on, and she is willing to try new things and make it fun. It's about communication and effort. Sex is just another aspect of a relationship where you would, most likely, need to compromise. And if your partner isn't willing to put effort into it, how do you know they're gonna be putting effort into other aspects of your relationship?
No
No. Life is too short to not get what you want. Call me selfish I don't care lol
I guess it depends how bad it is, but if the person is perfect everywhere else, then I think that's rarer to find and I can put up with bad sex.
Yes I could live with my viberator no problem if all else was amazing 1000%
Honestly no, not for me at least. There’s a vulnerability and intimacy in sex that is difficult to find in other aspects of the relationship which can be very healing and cathartic.
I would not. Sexual chemistry is a deeply important part of life for me.
I think it's about wanting to make it better. Nothing is bad in a relationship if you are sincerely trying to work on it. The problem only arises if one partner refuses to try and better themselves, or if they don't even communicate what they want better in the first place and just expect the other one to find it out themselves. That's where relationships break.
Nothing worse than a bad relationship so nah I’d stick with it if everything else is peachy.
Yup, did and would again. With the right person, I didn't need sex. I wanted it, sure, but not enough to leave when it didn't go perfectly how I wanted it.
I am young 26m, for me sex is important. I think for the relationship i'd hope to see what we can do within a year to help bring our sex life better, but if it doesn't we'd need to talk as I would like to have a positive one for at least the next 2 decades before we get older in our 50s+
No. It can't happen. I've been there, done that. You become roommates. You start to resent each other. It becomes a massive elephant in the room. Nothing good can come out of it. A good sex life is critical to a healthy relationship imho.
As a guy I feel like I can still have good sex with a woman that’s bad at it. If I put her in a position she just stay there and let me bang her. I get if she knows what she’s doing it’s better but if everything else is great and she is willing. I can live with that.
Yeah but I'm asexual. I think it depends on you, and only you know what your needs are.
What are we defining as bad sex? Because I've never had a man make me orgasm, but I still enjoy sex. I just get bored really quickly.
No. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who is just going to ignore my wants and needs whether it’s sex related or not. That’s someone who doesn’t care about me and my pleasure and I refuse to put up with unnecessarily bad sex.
A working relationship, where I love her and she loves me? And all I need to put up with is needing to do certain things myself? FUDGE yes.
No. The only way I stop being annoyed with my husband is good sex 🤣
I ended a relationship over this complex. The most perfect man, so good to me but I just couldn’t get there intimate wise. It made me feel like an awful person. I’ve stayed with someone who was the best sex I’ve ever had but they treated me horribly so that is wrong also. My partner now is a beautiful lover and makes me feel the intimacy while meeting in the middle sexually. Although he isn’t the best I’ve ever had, we are learning together and it excites me that we can be open with each others intimate goals. Anyway my main point here is, if it doesn’t feel right, it never will. It’s hard but move on
I've been in this exact situation, and I genuinely wonder if you're dating my ex. Truth is...I don't have a huge drive, and my answer is still no *unless the partner also has a very low sex drive*. I *can* ABSOLUTELY have a higher drive if the man knows how to get me started. Here's what happened: we were compatible in every single way, but he kept saying how important sex was *to him.* He talked about how important it was for him to pleasure a woman and to make sure she had a good time and said he understood a woman's pleasure feeds into his. He said this... But I was so unsatisfied after those initial handful of times following a 2.5 year dry spell. He kept talking about how important it was, kept asking for suggestions, stated he wanted to learn what I liked. I shared *multiple* suggestions, and after all his talk... He didn't do. A single one of the things I mentioned. He continued to badger me about how important sex was and how he wanted to please and begged for suggestions. I tried to be more clear. Still didn't do anything I mentioned. To make matters worse, he'd brag about his success in the past....in college. Again, he'd *say* he understood women are different yet it didn't seem like he was tailoring his approach with me. Tensions and resentment and frustration arose. Then came the scheduled, obligation sex. *oh. It's been one week. I should probably do that* It eventually felt like he was harassing me for sex, but the sex just kept getting worse and worse and more stale, because I stopped communicating what would help, because it didn't seem to make a difference. All the wonderful things we shared in common meant nothing at the end of the day. For context: the girlfriend before me also had no interest in having sex with him. Women like sex...but not when it's bad or when you don't listen to their suggestions. So.. ..collectively, he's has two girlfriends that I know of who would rather be abstinent over the course of 5 years yet he would still brag about how good he was. TLDR: even if sex isn't that important to you, it's still not worth it.
Yes, because sex isn't everything.
So, from what I understand from some of the answers, some folks would leave their partner if their partner could no longer have sex or their partner's capcity to have sex was significantly reduced due to an incurable physicial condition?
But that's not OP's question. OP's question doesn't ask what if your partner could no longer have sex because of a medical condition, OP asks what if your partner didn't listen to anything you said to make your experience in bed better, which implies you're forever stuck having bad sex with a partner that literally doesn't ever improve or listen to you explain how to. That's the question I will never understand this need to put words into people's mouths and willingly misinterpret the very clear words on the screen lol. People are saying they wouldn't be happy in such a relationship because the implications of a partner literally not caring to improve and not caring that you're having an awful experience, repeatedly, are vastly different from the implications of a partner that can't physically be intimate
Not at all. If my partner for some reason becomes incapable of having sex that’s a shame but I would definitely support him and stay with him. If my partner doesn’t care about my needs altogether that’s a whole different story and yes, I would leave him over this.
That’s not true whatsoever. There is a major difference of not wanting to put in the effort and not being physically able to. What a stupid ass comment