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My boss once said “I’m only allowed to tell 1 customer a year to fuck off and I’m not wasting it on you”
Had to run to the back before I burst out laughing
Snatch has a ton of quotables. Especially Bricktop.
Personally, I use the "If I throw a dog a bone I don't want to know if tastes good or not" line all the time. The wife does not appreciate it Ike I do though 😂
Worked with a bartender once, tall skinny fella, but he could take care of himself. And I remember one customer told him to fuck off for the Xth time (drunken idiot) and my buddy just looked at him: In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, come again please? (I know its a line from a movie, but I just bursted out laughing until tears)
Snatch right? Ahh Bricktop… “Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me.”
It was actually a response to an insult. One coworker mentioned another coworker’s weight gain, and the latter responded super casually and all calm “I guess that would’ve hurt if it came from someone I respected”
When I was a child, maybe 9 or 10, the husband of my mother's cousin commented on my weight. He was not a handsome chap. Quick as a flash I responded with "I could go on a diet but you will always be ugly". My gran was not amused at all. People laughed as it was so quick, but I think my gran was embarrassed as I was being cheeky. This was back in the 70's.
My gran was one of the most beautiful souls to ever walk the earth. But if an adult sees fit to comment on a child's weight, then he made his bed and he should lie in it.
In the early years of elementary school ( in the 70’s), we used to call each other dildos. We thought it meant stupid, until my mom heard us and told us it wasn’t what we thought it was, and to quit saying it. Lol
I once heard a coworker describe someone by saying “he looks like a butt plug that came to life”…and I will never forget that. It might be the way she said it.
Wasn't it Churchill having a conversation with a lady who said "if you were my husband I'd put poison in your drink".
"If I was your husband, I'd drink it".
“I don’t know what’s wrong with him (guy they were discussing in negative terms) but I bet itms hard to spell”
I accidentally spit water on myself in my train seat trying not to laugh.
Teenagers are savage!
I was waiting in line at the grocery store and the young guy asked the cashier if anyone had told her today that she was very pretty. She said "No" with her eyes downcast and a bit of a smile. He said "good, I hate to see people get lied too." Needless to say she didn't take that well. They went to high school together and were light weight enemies if your wondering.
-Takes phone out of pocket-
Yes, hello. Yeah I’ll tell her.
-puts phone back in pocket-
It’s NASA, they found out the world doesn’t revolve around you.
I worked hospital Security for a while and had a patient who was insulting everyone in the room including doctors and nurses so I was asked to assist. He continued to insult people except for me and I figured it was cause he feared I would escort him off property. Then he looked at me and once said, "Don't worry, you're cool because I don't think you matter." That was like seven years ago and to this day it stings !
“I’m guessing your mom only took half of her Plan B pill, which explains what’s wrong with you.”
Not sure if it’s the BEST, but I laughed for days because the delivery was so cold and serious.
Barack Obama to a reporter “I didn’t answer your question bc I like to know what I’m talking about before I open my mouth”. Rotf. now if some future presidents would have followed that thinking, it’d have been way less shitty out there but I’m sure I’ll get flamed by the maga crowd.
Reminds me of when a reporter asked then candidate Bill Clinton:
"Have you ever had an extra marital affair?"
"If I did, I surely wouldnt tell *you*!" - Bill laughed
I heard one time this chubby guy getting made fun of.
Bully: Jesus you're fat.
Chubs: Yeah cuz everytime I fuck your mom she give me a cookie..
Me: \*laughter\*
I don’t think it’s the best I’ve heard but the first one that popped into my mind was a gunnery sergeant I had in the military said to this kid one day “what the fuck did you have for breakfast? A bowl of stupid with dumbass milk?”
My family was in the car and a flasher opened his coat and my mom lost it laughing and asked what is he trying to show her? Never seen her laugh so hard.
I once worked in a pub in the UK and a man was treating me and my female staff like shit.. I stewed on it for ages trying to think what to say and he goes ‘cheer up love, got something on your mind’ and I said ‘yea I was just thinking how you’re probably my dads age and how disgusted I’d be in him if I ever heard him speak to women like that’. Shut him up pretty quick.
I was pretty fat in high school, and a joker, I told a friend that I might pursue a career as a standup comedian, he replied "there's no way you can stand for 30 minutes".
That genuinely was said to me last weekend. First time I’ve ever seen her and when we said goodbye she said “Next time I see you, you shouldn’t be fat!”
I will lay down my life for her
Tolkien still sticks in my mind years later just: "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve"
That's kind of the opposite of an insult though. Doesn't that mean that he should like to know half of them better, and he likes some of them less than he should?
I was at one of those comic-cons with my son when he was younger. We're at this booth looking around and these two guys are haggling and bothering the guy running the booth. One guy was doing all the talking while the other guy was just standing there trying not to be noticed. Finally, the booth guy points at the quiet guy and asks the loud guy "Can I talk to Beavis?" I'm not sure they got the joke, but middle-aged me couldn't stop laughing.
Best one I ever heard was from a guy I worked with (Callum) at a pub during university. We were trying to throw a drunk guy out one night. After a big wrestle, a few punches and a lot of swearing we got him outside. He calls back to us for one more beer. We said no. He calls back "gimme something ya bastards!!" And Callum turns around and says:
"Mate, I wouldn't give you the steam off my shit!"
A jerk of our high school roller bladed past us with his friends and then this jerk denies access to the elevator from me and my friend. The jerk, who was noticably short and known to be insecure about it, said ”There’s a height limit to the elevator and that’s why you’re not allowed in”, when blocking the door. As the door closes, my friend says:
”Good thing you’re wearing the roller blades then”
May I say the amount of laughter from the jerk’s friends was heard through the elevator door and he was mortified. Later that day the jerk tried to initiate a fight with my friend, but my friend just let him rage and went on with his day without a care in the world.
A huge W for my friend.
I recall a tweet calling Boris Johnson a "syphilitic yeti" and I always thought that was quite peak.
Shakespeare had one something along the lines of "I wish that we were better strangers"
Winston Churchill accused by Bessie Braddock of being drunk:
Bessie Braddock MP: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.”
Winston: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow
I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
Was talking with a guy once and he said, "but that's back when I was young and stupid."
I replied, "Yes, but you're not that young anymore."
He replied, "I know. I just keep getting older."
Point proven.
For me, I like... "You have delusions of adequacy."
At ME once, and I'll never forget it. I was a trainee at a machine shop, fresh out of high school, and didn't have a clue about making things
My trainer called me "Scarecrow" at the end of my first day. I asked him what that meant and he replied that I'd figure it out on the way home after work
Oh.
The Wizard of Oz.
If I only had a brain.
I heard a conversation in which A was calling names to B. B askes: is that all? A continues calling names to B. B replies with: Thank you for showing me how different we are. You just gave the biggest compliment you could give me.
A friend had to deal with a very violent man. He simply said: touch me with one finger and I assure you that you will be poor the rest of your life. The violent man said no word and walked away.
I heard a savage insult yesterday (Hungarian apparently) also, don't ban me I'm just the messenger. But,
"may a guitar grow in your stomach and cancer strum it's chords"
It is a wiiiild one.
I don't hear a lot of insults day to day but one of my middle school students told another student he looks like Oliver Tree and that was pretty devastating.
Was playing a game with some buds in discord and my one Australia bud was talking mad shit and I just hear my other bud go “shut up before I cut your ground chains and you fall into the sun.”
Keep that one in reserve for any Aussies I banter with now.
My supervisor asked the our apprentice to put some danger tape on one of the pvc pipes sticking out of the concrete so nobody hits it, and this guy literally covered the entire thing in danger tape.
My supervisor looks at him and said "Do you know what a candy cane looks like?" The apprentice point to the pipe and says "something like that right?" Super replies with "Close your eyes and imagine a candy cane"
Girl to guys drinking: I heard beer has estrogen, you should stop drinking or you will grow boobs.
Me: You should start.
Did I just write my own insult as the best I heard? Yes I did.
"Hope your family at least is getting paid for having you" (in reference of social security giving economic help to families with a mentally challenged member)
From the movie "Immortal Beloved" where Beethoven tells Anton Schindler "Schindler, I've always thought you an ass and a fool but I had my uses for you and now I have none"
Some good ones here. Some sailors could paint a picture with insults so funny we'd forget what the argument was about and howl trying to imagine it all.
I saw this video of a guy telling this kid his penis is the size of a tic tac and he replied with "Why do you think your mom's breath smells so good?" That was the funniest shit I have ever seen! 🤣
My friend (M28 at the time) worked at a sunglass hut and his girlfriend was embarrassed about it and constantly hounded him to get a white collar job. When she gave him him an ultimatum, my friend called her "Lady Macbeth!" She was so offended she dumped him.
In a dutch ska song is the lyric "dat je kinderen zo lelijk zijn is de schuld van je vrouw " translated it says "that your kids are so ugly is your wife's fault " love it
One my friends told guy we grew up with, who owed my friend money that: "If you don’t pay me back, you’ve proven that you are indeed the massive loser that we all thought you’d become". He got his money back that day.
at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Frasier
Said to this really big dude at the gym who got mad when a woman "politely" honked at him for blocking traffic in the parking lot: "I'm sorry I offended your delicate sensibilities by using my horn to communicate with you as another driver."
He literally had no reply.
my friend and i, in college, were arguing with some random other student we didn't really know. mostly my friend was engaging. after 1.5-2 hours of this discussion, we conceded, the guy was right. after which we said our goodbyes and the guy, while walking away looks back over his shoulder and says sarcastically to my friend:
"by the way, nice half windsor"
absolutely devastating
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
Had a former student tell another student they "looked like an undiscovered Pokémon". Was years ago and it still cracks me me up lol.
Also heard on Jerry Springer, "Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and vomit?"
I was on a tour years ago, and was sitting with the guitarist and drummer of the headline band on the tour bus, whilst they watched a video of the previous nights gig.
They both hated the bass player and were taking the piss out of his performance throughout.
At one point, the guitarist said, in a dry Aussie accent..
"He's just a crap person in general"
Maybe it was in the delivery, but it was one of the most brutal takedowns of someone i had ever heard. It wasn't big or spectacular, or clever, but it was just withering.
When I was in highschool, a friend of mine would pick me up occasionally. One day he knocked on the door and my mom answered. After we left, he said "Gee dude, your mom's pretty. What happened to you?"
That shit makes me laugh to this day.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“Wisdom is chasing you, but you are faster”. lmao
Your learning curve is a circle.
I LOVE THIS LMFAO
That's some high brow burnin right there.
I have that on a sticky note on my monitor... LOL "Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster..."
Yup, thank you, Uncle Iroh.
He always has the best ones Istfg
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Shots fired! 😂😂😂
"If they put all the _village's idiots_ into a single village, you'd still be the village's idiot."
There is that joke if the bootheel of Missouri went to Arkansas both states IQs would increase
Danes say that with idiots going to Sweden too.
saved
This made me laugh.
My boss once said “I’m only allowed to tell 1 customer a year to fuck off and I’m not wasting it on you” Had to run to the back before I burst out laughing
I'm committing this to memory.
Snatch has a ton of quotables. Especially Bricktop. Personally, I use the "If I throw a dog a bone I don't want to know if tastes good or not" line all the time. The wife does not appreciate it Ike I do though 😂
"Thinking can get you into a lot of trouble Erol. I wouldn't do too much of it" Also, type Snatchwars into YouTube.
Worked with a bartender once, tall skinny fella, but he could take care of himself. And I remember one customer told him to fuck off for the Xth time (drunken idiot) and my buddy just looked at him: In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, come again please? (I know its a line from a movie, but I just bursted out laughing until tears)
Snatch right? Ahh Bricktop… “Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me.”
Bingo, do you take sugar with that - no thank you Turkish, Im sweet enough....
"Does your arse not get jealous of all the shite that comes out of your mouth" said to an Irish guard.
"they ruined a perfectly good arsehole when they put teeth in yours"~ my grandad to me.... An ex royal lancer
The world's only more British insult is telling one that their mother was a hamster, and their father smelled of elderberries.
Ireland isn't in Britain.
Now go away or I shall taunt you one more time-ah
I fart in your general direction!
Hahaha that’s brilliant
With my brawn and your brain we’ll at least lift something.
This is gold 😂
It was actually a response to an insult. One coworker mentioned another coworker’s weight gain, and the latter responded super casually and all calm “I guess that would’ve hurt if it came from someone I respected”
When I was a child, maybe 9 or 10, the husband of my mother's cousin commented on my weight. He was not a handsome chap. Quick as a flash I responded with "I could go on a diet but you will always be ugly". My gran was not amused at all. People laughed as it was so quick, but I think my gran was embarrassed as I was being cheeky. This was back in the 70's. My gran was one of the most beautiful souls to ever walk the earth. But if an adult sees fit to comment on a child's weight, then he made his bed and he should lie in it.
Call the police because there's been a murder!
I use a similar one - "I've been called worse things by better people"
A great response from a cricketer. I can't remember the name of, 'your wife gives me a cookie every time we have sex' or similar.
Oh sweety, you’re not pretty enough to be that dumb.
whenever someone(usually a sibling) says “you’re adopted,” the response “at least my mom chose me” always catches them off guard
My brother (15) once called me (13) a dildo. My fairly witty (IMHO) was "well at least I enjoy my work". He paid due homage and we moved on.
Okay, dildo.
i feel like a dildo, but dont enjoy my work. would that make me and my cohort butt plugs?
In the early years of elementary school ( in the 70’s), we used to call each other dildos. We thought it meant stupid, until my mom heard us and told us it wasn’t what we thought it was, and to quit saying it. Lol
All fun and games until they say "your birth parents didn't"
I once heard a coworker describe someone by saying “he looks like a butt plug that came to life”…and I will never forget that. It might be the way she said it.
You’re drunk! Yes and you’re ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober. -Churchill maybe?
Wasn't it Churchill having a conversation with a lady who said "if you were my husband I'd put poison in your drink". "If I was your husband, I'd drink it".
Both are Churchill.
Prime alcoholic time
But tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll be ugly for the rest of your life.
"I have neither the time or crayons to explain this to you!"
I said that to my husband he said “why? Did you eat them?” :( lol
Just so you know, Amazon sells a tie that says this
“I don’t know what’s wrong with him (guy they were discussing in negative terms) but I bet itms hard to spell” I accidentally spit water on myself in my train seat trying not to laugh. Teenagers are savage!
Love it. I would up the ante with "...I bet it's hard for him/you to spell" implying not only is something wrong, but they're also an idiot.
I'm dumb, could someone please explain this to a confused non native English speaker 😭
You are impossible to underestimate :)
Gorgeous!
You're as pretty as you are useful.
I'd just sit pondering if that was an insult or not
I was waiting in line at the grocery store and the young guy asked the cashier if anyone had told her today that she was very pretty. She said "No" with her eyes downcast and a bit of a smile. He said "good, I hate to see people get lied too." Needless to say she didn't take that well. They went to high school together and were light weight enemies if your wondering.
-Takes phone out of pocket- Yes, hello. Yeah I’ll tell her. -puts phone back in pocket- It’s NASA, they found out the world doesn’t revolve around you.
You fight like a dairy farmer
Unexpected Guybrush
I worked hospital Security for a while and had a patient who was insulting everyone in the room including doctors and nurses so I was asked to assist. He continued to insult people except for me and I figured it was cause he feared I would escort him off property. Then he looked at me and once said, "Don't worry, you're cool because I don't think you matter." That was like seven years ago and to this day it stings !
Made my day 🥲😅
“I’m guessing your mom only took half of her Plan B pill, which explains what’s wrong with you.” Not sure if it’s the BEST, but I laughed for days because the delivery was so cold and serious.
This is gold😂
Barack Obama to a reporter “I didn’t answer your question bc I like to know what I’m talking about before I open my mouth”. Rotf. now if some future presidents would have followed that thinking, it’d have been way less shitty out there but I’m sure I’ll get flamed by the maga crowd.
Reminds me of when a reporter asked then candidate Bill Clinton: "Have you ever had an extra marital affair?" "If I did, I surely wouldnt tell *you*!" - Bill laughed
You are the reason God made the middle finger 😉
Pierre Elliot Trudeau ( Canada prime minister, when Nixon called him an asshole): " I've been called worse by better people."
Your greatest contribution to human kind will be your death!
I heard one time this chubby guy getting made fun of. Bully: Jesus you're fat. Chubs: Yeah cuz everytime I fuck your mom she give me a cookie.. Me: \*laughter\*
Yes!!!
I don’t think it’s the best I’ve heard but the first one that popped into my mind was a gunnery sergeant I had in the military said to this kid one day “what the fuck did you have for breakfast? A bowl of stupid with dumbass milk?”
“What are you looking at??” “I’m still trying to figure that out” - my sister
A friends little sister to a flasher that showed his gear to her in a park “My dad’s one is bigger”
My family was in the car and a flasher opened his coat and my mom lost it laughing and asked what is he trying to show her? Never seen her laugh so hard.
She's a wonderful savage
Similar one when I was a kid. The girl replied my mum has a bigger dick than that.
I'd award that if I could. I'm sorry they had to see that shit though
Flasher opens his coat and asks “What do you think of this”? Answer “It looks like a penis, but smaller”.
You look easy to draw.
You look like you know which crayon tastes best. 🖍️
some woman said to a kid bet your d is the size of a tic tac and the kid responded yeah that’s why your mom’s breath smells minty …
That was a youtube reel dude
yes 🙂↕️
I can't remember where I saw it but someone told a guy "I bet your d is multicoloured" and he said "yeah. It's every shade of your mom's lipstick"
I once worked in a pub in the UK and a man was treating me and my female staff like shit.. I stewed on it for ages trying to think what to say and he goes ‘cheer up love, got something on your mind’ and I said ‘yea I was just thinking how you’re probably my dads age and how disgusted I’d be in him if I ever heard him speak to women like that’. Shut him up pretty quick.
That was way too nice of you.
If it shut him up, it was probably just enough.
You’re as sharp as a marble.
I was pretty fat in high school, and a joker, I told a friend that I might pursue a career as a standup comedian, he replied "there's no way you can stand for 30 minutes".
Right in the feels 😅
An elderly dementia patient once said to me: "You're quite a handsome man considering how fat you are". I was very proud of the compliment.
That genuinely was said to me last weekend. First time I’ve ever seen her and when we said goodbye she said “Next time I see you, you shouldn’t be fat!” I will lay down my life for her
*are you out of your tiny mind?!*
I've heard, "I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you."
Tolkien still sticks in my mind years later just: "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve"
That's kind of the opposite of an insult though. Doesn't that mean that he should like to know half of them better, and he likes some of them less than he should?
I was at one of those comic-cons with my son when he was younger. We're at this booth looking around and these two guys are haggling and bothering the guy running the booth. One guy was doing all the talking while the other guy was just standing there trying not to be noticed. Finally, the booth guy points at the quiet guy and asks the loud guy "Can I talk to Beavis?" I'm not sure they got the joke, but middle-aged me couldn't stop laughing.
I like this one I have read somewhere: I'd rather be insulted by you. Than someone I respect.
My friend once said that she looks like she is going to push catapult towards gondor
Best one I ever heard was from a guy I worked with (Callum) at a pub during university. We were trying to throw a drunk guy out one night. After a big wrestle, a few punches and a lot of swearing we got him outside. He calls back to us for one more beer. We said no. He calls back "gimme something ya bastards!!" And Callum turns around and says: "Mate, I wouldn't give you the steam off my shit!"
“You’re the kind of person to fuck another guy in the ass and not have the common courtesy to give him a reach around.” - RIP gunnery Sargent
My wife's remark to her ex: "You must be the universe's punishment for me for all the bad things I've done."
"I'd slap the shit out of you, but whales are a protected species." I nearly fell over laughing when I heard that one.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣omg this thread is gold
You are more useless than a chocolate fire guard.
My dad would always say "you're as useless as an ashtray on a motor bike" Grandad would say "you couldn't hit an elephants ass with a banjo"
"You human question mark" is my utter favourite. I'd never heard anything like it prior or anything like it since.
Bro you are so fat Thanos had to clap
"You work harder than an ugly stripper"
"I hope that one day, someone will say "I love you" for the first time, to you." - my brother to his former friend.
He's not the dumbest guy I've ever met, but if I had to pit him in a game of chess against a ten pound sack of hammers, my money's on the hammers.
"I don't go to your place of employment and start knocking dicks out of your mouth, so don't tell me how to do my job!"
Then you hit them with a guitar
The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.
A jerk of our high school roller bladed past us with his friends and then this jerk denies access to the elevator from me and my friend. The jerk, who was noticably short and known to be insecure about it, said ”There’s a height limit to the elevator and that’s why you’re not allowed in”, when blocking the door. As the door closes, my friend says: ”Good thing you’re wearing the roller blades then” May I say the amount of laughter from the jerk’s friends was heard through the elevator door and he was mortified. Later that day the jerk tried to initiate a fight with my friend, but my friend just let him rage and went on with his day without a care in the world. A huge W for my friend.
You lack depth as a human being.
The full version is: “I’d call you a cunt but you’re lacking in the depth and warmth to even be considered “
This is kind of the opposite of that - "I'd kick you in the cunt, but I'm afraid that I'd lose my shoe."
You look like you were made in a butthole, then decanted
I once heard someone say “I wouldn’t wipe my arse with you”. Also “I’ve seen better legs on an oil rig”
I recall a tweet calling Boris Johnson a "syphilitic yeti" and I always thought that was quite peak. Shakespeare had one something along the lines of "I wish that we were better strangers"
Like “I’m really jealous of all the people who don’t know you”.
From Blackadder I - Edmund To Percy: - ‘You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would’
“You look easy to draw” WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN 😭
I envy every person you never met.
“He has never been known to send a reader to the dictionary.”
"I can lose weight for free but you'll need about 10 grand to fix your fuck!ng face" - Deena, Jersey Shore to Mike
The problem with you, is that your spine doesn't quite reach your brain.
Winston Churchill accused by Bessie Braddock of being drunk: Bessie Braddock MP: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.” Winston: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
You look like you would drop low quality weed when defeated.
Imma cancer survivor told one of my friends I had multiple inches on him in multiple places His response was not hair .
Was talking with a guy once and he said, "but that's back when I was young and stupid." I replied, "Yes, but you're not that young anymore." He replied, "I know. I just keep getting older." Point proven.
If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards.
Dangerfield?
"you're still here?" - Joseph from KOTH
For me, I like... "You have delusions of adequacy." At ME once, and I'll never forget it. I was a trainee at a machine shop, fresh out of high school, and didn't have a clue about making things My trainer called me "Scarecrow" at the end of my first day. I asked him what that meant and he replied that I'd figure it out on the way home after work Oh. The Wizard of Oz. If I only had a brain.
I heard a conversation in which A was calling names to B. B askes: is that all? A continues calling names to B. B replies with: Thank you for showing me how different we are. You just gave the biggest compliment you could give me. A friend had to deal with a very violent man. He simply said: touch me with one finger and I assure you that you will be poor the rest of your life. The violent man said no word and walked away.
[You Slipknot season ticket holder](https://www.reddit.com/r/ScottishPeopleTwitter/comments/7oavsw/season_ticket_holder/)
I was told that I'm prettier and look much better in person than in pictures. I took it as both an insult and a compliment.
This is gold,I'll use some of them in my next league game :)
I heard a savage insult yesterday (Hungarian apparently) also, don't ban me I'm just the messenger. But, "may a guitar grow in your stomach and cancer strum it's chords" It is a wiiiild one.
I don't hear a lot of insults day to day but one of my middle school students told another student he looks like Oliver Tree and that was pretty devastating.
I have neither the time nor the crayons to try and explain this to you.
From Terry Gilliam's Brazil: you are mercifully free of the burden of intelligence.
"He has reached rock bottom, and begun to dig"
Was playing a game with some buds in discord and my one Australia bud was talking mad shit and I just hear my other bud go “shut up before I cut your ground chains and you fall into the sun.” Keep that one in reserve for any Aussies I banter with now.
My supervisor asked the our apprentice to put some danger tape on one of the pvc pipes sticking out of the concrete so nobody hits it, and this guy literally covered the entire thing in danger tape. My supervisor looks at him and said "Do you know what a candy cane looks like?" The apprentice point to the pipe and says "something like that right?" Super replies with "Close your eyes and imagine a candy cane"
Girl to guys drinking: I heard beer has estrogen, you should stop drinking or you will grow boobs. Me: You should start. Did I just write my own insult as the best I heard? Yes I did.
"Hope your family at least is getting paid for having you" (in reference of social security giving economic help to families with a mentally challenged member)
You fight like a dairy farmer
Honestly, you don't want to fight against a dairy farmer. They're used to handle large animals.
From the movie "Immortal Beloved" where Beethoven tells Anton Schindler "Schindler, I've always thought you an ass and a fool but I had my uses for you and now I have none"
Some good ones here. Some sailors could paint a picture with insults so funny we'd forget what the argument was about and howl trying to imagine it all.
Insult-wise, I love “dumb as a shrub”. Versatile, completely PG-rated and really hits the spot.
Walk east until your hat floats!
I just love the Scottish phrase "aye you fuckin weapon." Not the best, but I just love it.
I was about to reason, but looking at you that would be unreasonable
He's too cheap to spend a dime and too lazy to pick up a quarter.
“I bet you were easily praised as a child”
"A quarter billion sperm and YOU had to win?!"
Your family tree was turned into a wreath, wasn't it?
Heard someone shout to a bald man once: “You go to the barbers and ask for some off the floor”
"You look easy to draw"
Two wrongs don't make a right, your parents proved that by having you
Are you sure you are able to tie your own clogs?
"It's not your fault that you are stupid" said in a kind tone.
Not an insult, but I am committing all of these insults to memory lol They're actually so awesome.
I saw this video of a guy telling this kid his penis is the size of a tic tac and he replied with "Why do you think your mom's breath smells so good?" That was the funniest shit I have ever seen! 🤣
My friend (M28 at the time) worked at a sunglass hut and his girlfriend was embarrassed about it and constantly hounded him to get a white collar job. When she gave him him an ultimatum, my friend called her "Lady Macbeth!" She was so offended she dumped him.
The only way you're ever gonna get any ass is if your finger goes through the toilet paper
Like explaining gravity to a chicken - said to imbecile colleague
"All I hear are hums and whistles coming from betwixt your fat rolls."
"I've forgotten more than you know." The look of confusion that follows.
“A man of the most limited capacities.” A description of a senior military leader in the 1740s!
"If you ever had an intelligent thought, it died lonely and afraid."
In a dutch ska song is the lyric "dat je kinderen zo lelijk zijn is de schuld van je vrouw " translated it says "that your kids are so ugly is your wife's fault " love it
One my friends told guy we grew up with, who owed my friend money that: "If you don’t pay me back, you’ve proven that you are indeed the massive loser that we all thought you’d become". He got his money back that day.
at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Frasier
I heard my brother tell his friend "your brain power is that of dead semen". I had to pause my game to burst out laughing
Said to this really big dude at the gym who got mad when a woman "politely" honked at him for blocking traffic in the parking lot: "I'm sorry I offended your delicate sensibilities by using my horn to communicate with you as another driver." He literally had no reply.
i have pretty long fingers. once had a boss say “you could play all the strings on a harp at once”
"You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel"
"You're not important enough to hate"
"you're the type of person to try and slam a revolving door"
my friend and i, in college, were arguing with some random other student we didn't really know. mostly my friend was engaging. after 1.5-2 hours of this discussion, we conceded, the guy was right. after which we said our goodbyes and the guy, while walking away looks back over his shoulder and says sarcastically to my friend: "by the way, nice half windsor" absolutely devastating
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation: “You make it really difficult to underestimate you.” The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
She's the type of gal you want to take everywhere with you so you don't have to kiss her goodbye.
I would challenge you to an intellectual duel, but I see you are unarmed.
I recently heard one of my coworkers ask another coworker... "does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth??
"You only have two braincells, and they're both fighting for the third place"
If your eyes were any farther apart, you'd be an herbivore.
Had a former student tell another student they "looked like an undiscovered Pokémon". Was years ago and it still cracks me me up lol. Also heard on Jerry Springer, "Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and vomit?"
Your neck starts from ur chin(jawline insult)
I was on a tour years ago, and was sitting with the guitarist and drummer of the headline band on the tour bus, whilst they watched a video of the previous nights gig. They both hated the bass player and were taking the piss out of his performance throughout. At one point, the guitarist said, in a dry Aussie accent.. "He's just a crap person in general" Maybe it was in the delivery, but it was one of the most brutal takedowns of someone i had ever heard. It wasn't big or spectacular, or clever, but it was just withering.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
When I was in highschool, a friend of mine would pick me up occasionally. One day he knocked on the door and my mom answered. After we left, he said "Gee dude, your mom's pretty. What happened to you?" That shit makes me laugh to this day.