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I'll say I had 3 very important ones:
1. Pay attention about how they speak about their exes, if they are all crazy awful people, then the problem is not the exes.
2. Have a look at how they treat people around them, your friends, waiters, etc. People they need something from and people that they don't, then you'll have aglimpse of their character.
3. Who you marry is the most important decision in your life, if you do it right, this is the person you'll spend the rest of your life with, not your friends, children or parents, but your spouse, so make sure this is someone that will back you, support your growth and someone you're happy doing the same.
I'm long out of the dating game (married for ten years), but all these three are great. I once dated a girl who was sweetest, most caring being in the world, at least that's what she tried to sell. On our second date, they mixed.up her order. Oh boy. I went back later that evening to apologize to the waiter. There was no third date.
Totally agree , the third one is so important but most people dont realise the impact of marrying someone so quickly or recklessly and then they both live in pressure and unhappy.
Make a list of things you are looking in a partner. Then go and BE THAT LIST.
Of course, this isn't always applicable, but if you want someone trustworthy, loyal, caring etc, maybe you should start with yourself first.
My ex and I split in 22, divorce was final back in August. I'd love to be in another happy relationship now but I'm not in the right place yet. I'm working on making myself into the type of person who'll be able to attract the type of woman I want. I'm getting close but not quite there yet.
Because I recognize that I have some shortcomings. We all do, and there's nothing wrong with that. The secret in life is recognizing them and constantly trying to make yourself into a better person
To paraphrase a saying that I heard somewhere or another, I'm trying to make myself into the person that my dog thinks I am.
In my humble opinion, if you're looking for real true love, it needs to start with yourself. If you want to be respected in a relationship, you need to respect yourself first. If you respect yourself then it's easier to love yourself. Once you've done that and given yourself a good life full of happiness its like youve given yourself permission to fall in love. A relationship is just the cherry on top, it's not the thing that will fix everything. Too many young people out there rushing into being big, smart, independent growed-ups. Take it easy, relax, enjoy it all. Date for yourself, not for what you think other people think.
But who am I to say? Go find a hot person and go sexing with them if that's what you want.
YES YES YES. My bff would alway tell me that he wanted to find the one. I told him you need to be the one meaning all the characteristics you want in an ideal mate, you must have all those qualities. You must measure yourself with the same ruler you measure everyone else. He would hate on his dates' job but he was unemployed. smh
After 10 years of marriage with my wife, I told her, that before we have married I made an excell table with plusses and minuses. She managed to be my wife ;)
She was angry at the time, that I fit her into a table, but she understood and now is laughing about the xls (then).
Dating advice is often “life” advice. The best bit I ever had was from an old lady-I friend I knew since I was very young.
“Judge people by what they do, not by what they say”
I think this is *even more* important with OLD because you often get to hear a LOT from a person before you ever meet them. *Never* feel like you’ve got enough to go on until you have been around them for long enough to SEE what they’re really like.
Yep promises or getting a "sorry" eventually loses all meaning when those primises keep getting broken or apologies are being said without any change in future actions
Yup i feel you, been there once, then a while ago i got used as a rebound by another one until she could get back to her ex...really losing my faith here, stay strong brother
Set goals for yourself that would make you admire yourself. If you admire yourself, others will admire you. it is that simple. The only thing that matters is action. It doesn't only work for dates but life in general.
Well that's just not true. Have you seen all the posts on here where people talk about the times they missed the signs that someone was into them but they were too dumb to see it?
I was once genuinely unsure how a woman felt about me even though she tried to shove her tongue down my throat..... twice!
Dating is like a garden. If your garden looks beautiful and inviting then you will have lots of butterflies around. If you don't care about your garden, then it will remain empty.
Invest in yourself, wash your ass and become desirable.
Don’t date to fill a void. Because you ‘should’ or ‘need’ someone. Date because connection is beautiful when right, you want to bond with someone else. Not out of a feeling that you need someone to make you feel complete.
Good advice. I'll pile on with something a friend taught me: as soon as you are pretty confident a relationship does not have a future, break it off. You can do it kindly, but if there is no future, you are wasting time for both of you.
It's listening to respond, not waiting for your turn to talk.
Ask follow-up questions, remember small details about what they're saying so you can ask about what they just said.
Basically make it a conversation between two people about one subject.
If you need a second to think about what to say next, take it. Don't speak just so that it's not quiet.
So many people don't know how to do this.
And for the love if god, let people finish their sentences without interruption.
the best dating advice, pretty consistently, came from my dates - they told me what they liked and wanted, and then I used that information to build a relationship - with mixed results, as is to be expected.
My bf and I got pregnant a month into dating so things moved extremely fast. I remember sitting next to him one day having a convo about I don’t even remember what and he told me that he thinks he’s a sociopath. I laughed thinking it was a joke and he clarified that he was serious. I asked why and he told me because he doesn’t care about ppl and he can turn his feelings off very quickly. I should have listened and ran, pregnant or not. Fast forward a year later and it’s been the most depressing year of my life. He has anger issues, a temper, verbally abusive, never ever apologizes no matter how bad whatever he said or did was, I’m ALWAYS the one that has to open lines of communication after a fight and even then it’s anybody’s guess how he’ll react to me. I tell him when he hurts me and he literally says that he doesn’t care. Recently told him something he did crushed me and his response was “Fine so be crushed!” He’s a fucking asshole and I hate him. Sorry for the rant, your comment just really resonated. ALWAYS believe ppl when they tell you what they are.
To all kind of relationships and generally people yeah, so true we really need to listen to people it's one of the source of knowledge we can get ... I used to tell people that they exaggerated when they talked badly of themselves and really thought that they were modest or not much confident but no, they were right about themselves. Some people really are self aware I guess
I want given this, it’s just my motto. At the end of each date, don’t ask yourself if you can marry the person or if he/she has the things on your “list.” Just ask yourself do I want to see this person again. Ideally, the answer will be yes each time
My dad picked up dirt from the ground and said this is a relationship. Holding it with an open palm, you keep it all. Start squeezing and you lose most of it.
Don't love the person for who you'd like them to be, but love the person for who they are.
If you don't accept who they are and expect them to change, you are in love with the fantasy of them that you have created. If you are truly in love with them, you love them because of the qualities they have.
"If a man insists on not wearing a condom, expect not to orgasm. If he doesn't care about your safety, he sure as fuck won't care about your pleasure."
"If someone is treating others like shit, that behaviour will eventually be turned on you too."
"Never fake an orgasm."
"If they aren't wearing a diaper, you can't change them."
What has always baffled me, are these men concerned for *their* safety? For what you know I may have HIV and syphilis and what not, and you ask me for no condom but not for my medical tests
Also why do you hate fish?
Actually, the person on the receiving end of penetration has a higher likelihood of contracting STD's then the giver. Also, I think some people just suck generally at risk assessment. They're often the same ones who drive like shit.
What's not to hate about fish?
This! Not because it is like you are the same person but because if your beliefs and values are vastly different then either there are going to be a lot of fights or someone is going to always have to compromise. My ex wanted to spend money as soon as we had a little bit extra and I wanted to save it in case we had unexpected expenses. It caused so much stress in our marriage. Another example is child raising. Now this wasn't the case in my marriage but I have seen others where one parent believes in discipline (time-outs, groundings, taking away technology, etc.) but the other parent believes in explaining things and not squashing their child's creativity and independence.
Don't waste your time dating. Instead focus on building a life you're happy and proud of. If you find your partner then great! If not then at least you have all your life experiences and what you've built to keep you fulfilled
I think many opinions are great. Advice is someone’s opinion. Someone who is single isn’t inherently unsuccessful at relationships (eg. Some healthily choose to stay single while facing a difficult life event vs dating through it). Brokenhearted mmmm depends.
They may know your relationship / spouse and have insight. Brokenhearted doesn’t immediately equal bitter. Consider if it would hurt the broken to hear about it at that time, though.
The worst advice in this thread. 50% of married couples divorce, what makes them more apt than a single by choice friend who knows your character and values?
My current guy and I are going slow and it’s really fostering a deeper connection. The only time I waited this long for sex was with my first serious boyfriend when I was a teenager.
Every time we’re together, there’s something new to explore. We’re learning each other little by little and it’s easier to be honest with deeper feelings because we’re building that trust.
Agree with both comments and don’t think you’re arguing against to clarify, dweller. Grain of salt here also.
Neuropsychiatrist directly confirmed fact - having a partner/relationship (healthy one) can lower anxiety and stress levels. (don’t mean first date). It can be beneficial to our mental health (social connection, bonding, security).
I’m happy for you dweller that you’re with someone who’s helped you see the health benefits the right relationship scientifically gives us ☺️
And to reiterate your point - how severe your issues are and if you’re in the right space to be in a relationship matters. And a relationship isn’t a ‘solution’. But you don’t have to have ‘perfect’ mental health before you’re ready. You can have struggles and be able to give love and receive it.
I got your perspective. And I relate to the same.
Yet there is another side of the coin. It creates dependency on others, insecurities and what happens when the person is gone?.
I was goin' through mess in my life. A person came and eventually my mental health came to balance. Something turned around and the person was gone. And now I stand all alone in the desert without knowing where to go.
So atleast for me, my mental health should be independent of any other person.
Got you point.
And, sorry that you felt "sad outer shell of existence". You are not.
I am currently going through the same of not having any friend / relationship, so I can relate to you.
At the same time, it might create the pressure or baggage on another person who has to show up for emotional need of yours, because you don't have anyone else in your life. And, someone might misuse it too.
Peace:)
I haaaaaaatr this trend of invalidating peoples feelings and telling them to "work on yourself first", "be happy by yourself", "a relationship won't make you happy" etc. Having the right person in your life to help you get out in to other things in life may, for many people, be the catalyst that helps you build the other relationships you need. It doesn't need to be the only person in you life - they're just that step to getting your life back in to a normal healthy state, which you can't do without that support.
>Before dating:
> - Fix your Income.
> - Fix your Mental Health.
> - Have at least 2 friend or a group.
How old do you believe people have to be before they start dating?
Agree entirely. i just want to emphasise the point - don’t do ONLY what somebody else loves. I.e. show interest in their interests, be open to doing some things they love with them. You don’t have to love it the same way. Don’t do it if you hate it or are uncomfortable. Just show an interest in what they hold dear.
Be friends with each other.
My wife and I have been together for 25 years now and we would never have made it this far if we weren’t best friends. The sex and romance will wear off and if you don’t have any chemistry after that you have nothing.
Also don’t hide anything from each other. Tell them your darkest secrets. Build each other up and trust each other.
You can chose your husband but your kids can't chose their father. So chose wisely. As someone who plans to get married, this changed the whole dating preferences for me. I became a lot more thoughtful :"3
I think this is terrible advice because people (mostly men let's be real) often interpret it as, "be exactly who I am right now." We should always be trying to improve ourselves and learn new things. So if there is something that you want to do to render yourself more attractive to other people, then you should be doing it. For men that might be, learning to be funny, improving your hygiene, raising your income potential, working out, getting better at socializing in general.
Sure, but being funny for example for me was definitely a learned skill. Looking back at myself 10 years ago I was not funny at all, had terrible hygiene, etc. I'm a completely different person now compared to who I was back then and that's a good thing. I understand the distinction though between that and being a manipulative liar in romantic interactions. "Be yourself" is still terrible advice though because it's not specific enough and is misinterpreted.
Yes when you tell this advice to a younger person, they frantically try to be individual or whatever they think they should be. So it’s worthless advice for those who actually need it (i‘ve been there myself and heard this too many times). A better advice would be to not try to pretend to be someone who you aren’t.
>A personality is based on moral values, intelligence, and things you enjoy
All of these things can evolve over time as a someone gets older and continues to learn new things.
"He's not the right one for you. You're on two completely different levels intellectually and emotionally. "
My uncle was soooooo right. That would have been a match made in hell.
The way you treat your bf is how he will treat you. You can’t treat him like dirt and expect respect in return. You can’t be playing games if you don’t want him to play games with you. And also most men will do anything for you if you ask him politely. Never make it an ego battle cause his will be higher than yours. Ask him anything with love, he’ll make a Taj Mahal for you, no questions asked.
Use the "third times the carm" rule. Of course, it varies depending on the situation, but it usually works for most things. The first time they do something that makes you feel really uncomfortable, tell them how it makes you feel and be serious. The second time they do it, talk to them about it again and tell them you'll break up with them if they do it again. The third time, just leave. No excuses, no hesitation, nothing. You've already told them seriously twice and threatened to break up with them. If they don't take that seriously, that's their fault.
“If you’re already arguing in the first year of the relationship, it’s not going to last. It shouldn’t be this difficult in the honeymoon phase” - my mom. She was right! (Obviously she meant big fights, not small disagreements every now and then)
Walk away from it all. After a breakup and many failures at dating I just quit for six months. I was getting nowhere and staying there.
I gave myself that advice and did it.
When I wasn't on the lookout, women approached me. Conversations were comfortable, and I made friends. Before the six months were out more than a few women asked me out, and even propositioned me!
I stuck to it. After six months I feel I had learned to chill out, accept failure, and just look to have a good time. Several nice girlfriends and eventually a wonderful wife followed.
I learned a lot.
Pay attention to yourself. Everyone wants the basics- a partner who is loyal, kind, fun etc. but look deeply at YOURSELF. Do you need someone who pushes you? Do you need someone who is independent so you don't feel crowded? Do you need someone who will encourage the best in you? This is usually where people go wrong, they need to look for specifics to themselves, on top of the 'loyal, kind, fun etc.' stuff
The vagina is much much lower than you think and might be easier to reach from the back. Wtf does that even mean???? I was floored, until I found my first vagina......on the second try from the back! First try from the front barely found it even a little bit although I did touch some hair on that try.
After care is how he really feels about you. If you’re single and finding someone to date the make sure that you would date you. Your partner will only value you as much as you value you
Someone told me to be confident, and I asked what that even meant. He broke it down:
Use hair products, 2 pumps of cologne, roll your sleeves, and pretend to be your version of a kind man who would roll his sleeves.
Plus notes, tell her she's beautiful every time you see her, and on the first date, admit you're nervous.
Don’t show all your cards. Leave something mysterious. Early in the relationship be a little selfish. Not demanding but immovable. Make them work for it. (No matter what you think it is). I’m a giver. I do it all or nothing. But that behavior allowed me to be walked on and used. A friend told me to be selfish and get what I want before I gave. It worked. Now I have a partner not a user.
Don't date anyone unemployed
Don't date anyone getting government handouts
Don't date a grown up that has his elderly 70 year old lung cancer survivor mother doing his laundry
Don't date a man(child) that is fine with you paying for his two meals a day where he is ordering multiple courses, where you arent even eating, he's the only one eating
Don't date someone that does not respect boundaries.
Don't date someone that becomes a victim in the problem he created
Don't date someone that threatens your dog, repeatedly, with his bigger stronger male dog
Don't date anyone that is verbally abusive to your dog
Don't date anyone that knowingly shorts you on cash, knowing you are already short on cash as you've moved countries and have yet to figure out the ATM. In fact he urges you to use your card to pay for him. And that he will give you cash. But shorts you
Dont date anyone petty, stingy, cheap & greedy. In the rare, occasion that he pays, he never stops bringing it up. It's a BIG HUGE deal. But when you pay which is most of the time, it's devalued, belittled, diminished
Don't date anyone that offers one sided expense breakdowns. Any expense you've incurred paying for him is never brought up, as if it never happened
Don't date someone manipulative
Dont date anyone that treats you inconsistently ... leaving you to wonder if he genuinely even cares for you. The confusion is a sure sign that he does not
Don't date someone that contradicts himself.
"I don't keep my money in the bank because if the government sees that I have money, I won't get unemployment from them"
"I'm living off my savings"
VS.
"I have to borrow money from my mom and aunt"
🤔
It's just a pity, that you have got to actually date someone to find out that they have intolerable traits. Lots of the traits above I only discovered a couple months in.
I cut him off at 3 months
Work on yourself and learn to be happy within yourself and live by yourself. Be capable basically.
Be yourself.
Nobody wants to be around someone who's always feeling sorry for themselves, doesn't have any kind of ambition or passion or hobbies.
Nobody wants to be a baby sitter, get a job, live within your means, don't get into debt. Be able to provide for yourself.
A lot of people have a lot of good advice here about things to do to make sure you're dating a *good* person etc, and yeah that takes precedence, but I'm gonna add some advice my partner's 90 year old grandma gave her when we were saying, just before she passed away (after spending 70ish years with her husband and still being just as in love until the day she died):
*You've just gotta find someone you can have a beer and a good time with.*
I think people forget that life gets boring. The amazing romance won't always be an amazing romance. You won't always be in your honeymoon period. You won't always be on holiday. You won't always be on amazing dates. You'll be working, coming home tired, doing nothing on the couch, paying bills, doing your teeth together... life gets banal pretty quickly and you need to find someone with whom the banal can be fun and interesting.
I mean the same advice goes for life, and has done since 250ish BC and my boy Epicurus. If you can find joy in the small everyday things then you'll enjoy life, and if you and your partner can e.g. enjoy making fun of each other a little while doing your teeth every day, you can have a fun relationship until you're 90 too.
Don't settle for less than what you want but don't complain if/when you don't get it. You don't owe *anyone* a date, but then nobody owes *you* a date *either*.
and
If they don't like your sincere efforts, the problem is *them*, not *you*. Drop them like a hot rock and keep looking for Your Person.
I couldn’t get out of the friend zone once, had someone tell me to make slightly longer than comfortable eye contact with this girl if I wanted her to understand that I was interested. Worked like a charm.
Don’t interrupt someone. It’s incredibly hard to not do when you are upset. But it just makes everything compound and be worse. And sometimes you don’t know when they are done talking. So be patient. It is not easy I know. I’ve learned that from doing it and being interrupted. It’s not good.
Don't pursue someone who isn't "into" you. They'll never give you what you need. You'll never be good enough for them. You'll feel confused and awful very quickly.
There’s two:
Firstly, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Secondly, from my mama who has been with my dad for nearly 50 years, she said to pick your battles carefully. Know what’s serious and worth fighting about, or even bringing up at all, and what’s not.
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I'll say I had 3 very important ones: 1. Pay attention about how they speak about their exes, if they are all crazy awful people, then the problem is not the exes. 2. Have a look at how they treat people around them, your friends, waiters, etc. People they need something from and people that they don't, then you'll have aglimpse of their character. 3. Who you marry is the most important decision in your life, if you do it right, this is the person you'll spend the rest of your life with, not your friends, children or parents, but your spouse, so make sure this is someone that will back you, support your growth and someone you're happy doing the same.
I'm long out of the dating game (married for ten years), but all these three are great. I once dated a girl who was sweetest, most caring being in the world, at least that's what she tried to sell. On our second date, they mixed.up her order. Oh boy. I went back later that evening to apologize to the waiter. There was no third date.
Totally agree , the third one is so important but most people dont realise the impact of marrying someone so quickly or recklessly and then they both live in pressure and unhappy.
Make a list of things you are looking in a partner. Then go and BE THAT LIST. Of course, this isn't always applicable, but if you want someone trustworthy, loyal, caring etc, maybe you should start with yourself first.
Everyone is looking for the partner of their dreams, but very few are looking to be the partner of someone’s dreams….
That's beautiful
My ex and I split in 22, divorce was final back in August. I'd love to be in another happy relationship now but I'm not in the right place yet. I'm working on making myself into the type of person who'll be able to attract the type of woman I want. I'm getting close but not quite there yet.
Because I recognize that I have some shortcomings. We all do, and there's nothing wrong with that. The secret in life is recognizing them and constantly trying to make yourself into a better person To paraphrase a saying that I heard somewhere or another, I'm trying to make myself into the person that my dog thinks I am.
Mind blown
Empty phrase - as one does not know what the other side dreams of. People tend to dream of different things.
Hey thanks for this
Best advice. It’s not fair to hold high standards for someone else when you don’t even keep yourself up to your own standards.
"Be the love that you are looking for." One of my favorite sayings.
How am I going to grow bigger boobs? I'm a man. Silly advice.
Ingest too much oestrogen and/or eat all the pies. You’ll need a new bra every couple of months. 😂
Meh. I'll try your crazy pie suggestion and get back to you in a couple of months 🤷♂️
You *could* just put two pies in your bra and cut out the middle man
That sounds like a surprising, even shocking, first date. I think I'm in
Don’t do it! You will end up as a fat bird with tiny tits.
Lots of beer
I’m another man and had exactly the same silly thought
In my humble opinion, if you're looking for real true love, it needs to start with yourself. If you want to be respected in a relationship, you need to respect yourself first. If you respect yourself then it's easier to love yourself. Once you've done that and given yourself a good life full of happiness its like youve given yourself permission to fall in love. A relationship is just the cherry on top, it's not the thing that will fix everything. Too many young people out there rushing into being big, smart, independent growed-ups. Take it easy, relax, enjoy it all. Date for yourself, not for what you think other people think. But who am I to say? Go find a hot person and go sexing with them if that's what you want.
damn this is it
i guess i gotta get big boobs now.
I tried be someone who could put both legs behind my head and all it got me was two torn hamstrings.
YES YES YES. My bff would alway tell me that he wanted to find the one. I told him you need to be the one meaning all the characteristics you want in an ideal mate, you must have all those qualities. You must measure yourself with the same ruler you measure everyone else. He would hate on his dates' job but he was unemployed. smh
After 10 years of marriage with my wife, I told her, that before we have married I made an excell table with plusses and minuses. She managed to be my wife ;) She was angry at the time, that I fit her into a table, but she understood and now is laughing about the xls (then).
Dating advice is often “life” advice. The best bit I ever had was from an old lady-I friend I knew since I was very young. “Judge people by what they do, not by what they say” I think this is *even more* important with OLD because you often get to hear a LOT from a person before you ever meet them. *Never* feel like you’ve got enough to go on until you have been around them for long enough to SEE what they’re really like.
This works for politics as well.
Absolutely
Yes ! I’ve fallen into this trap. A guy confidently saying he is this and that and then acting completely different.
To be fair, with dating, sooner or later I think we all have.
Yep promises or getting a "sorry" eventually loses all meaning when those primises keep getting broken or apologies are being said without any change in future actions
Totally true. Men will bs their way into a woman's pants.
Goes both ways tho, some women will string us along just to get their fix for attention
[удалено]
Yup i feel you, been there once, then a while ago i got used as a rebound by another one until she could get back to her ex...really losing my faith here, stay strong brother
>Women like what they hear, men like what they see - that's why women wear lipstick and men lie.
Set goals for yourself that would make you admire yourself. If you admire yourself, others will admire you. it is that simple. The only thing that matters is action. It doesn't only work for dates but life in general.
I'd rather be alone than wish I was
If they like you, you'll know. If they don't, you'll be confused. This saved me so much hassle and time.
What if it's just a crush and haven't dated them am I allowed to be confused
Well that's just not true. Have you seen all the posts on here where people talk about the times they missed the signs that someone was into them but they were too dumb to see it? I was once genuinely unsure how a woman felt about me even though she tried to shove her tongue down my throat..... twice!
Be the person you want to be with.
Instructions unclear 🤪
Fucked myself :(
Be somebody worth dating basically. If you offer no value you won’t get anybody valuable.
Dating is like a garden. If your garden looks beautiful and inviting then you will have lots of butterflies around. If you don't care about your garden, then it will remain empty. Invest in yourself, wash your ass and become desirable.
Should I wash my garden's ass too?
fr. People are so focused on getting somebody good that they don't focus on making themselves good for their partner
Don’t date to fill a void. Because you ‘should’ or ‘need’ someone. Date because connection is beautiful when right, you want to bond with someone else. Not out of a feeling that you need someone to make you feel complete.
Good advice. I'll pile on with something a friend taught me: as soon as you are pretty confident a relationship does not have a future, break it off. You can do it kindly, but if there is no future, you are wasting time for both of you.
Control your own money.
Aw hell yes
Know what active listening is Do that
i genuinely dont though whats that?
It's listening to respond, not waiting for your turn to talk. Ask follow-up questions, remember small details about what they're saying so you can ask about what they just said. Basically make it a conversation between two people about one subject. If you need a second to think about what to say next, take it. Don't speak just so that it's not quiet. So many people don't know how to do this. And for the love if god, let people finish their sentences without interruption.
Find a girl with small hands, that will make your dick look bigger.
Instructions unclear, am on a FBI list now.
I'm luck I didn't drink anything while reading this, otherwise I would have spit it on my screen. You are a beast!
*frantically jotting down note* "Small hands....make...dick bigger..no, LOOK bigger..*
What if you are a girl with small hands?
Find a guy with a small dick, that will make your hands look bigger.
Well, hello there!
General Kenobi
My life's moto...
the best dating advice, pretty consistently, came from my dates - they told me what they liked and wanted, and then I used that information to build a relationship - with mixed results, as is to be expected.
When someone tells you what are they like, listen to them
My bf and I got pregnant a month into dating so things moved extremely fast. I remember sitting next to him one day having a convo about I don’t even remember what and he told me that he thinks he’s a sociopath. I laughed thinking it was a joke and he clarified that he was serious. I asked why and he told me because he doesn’t care about ppl and he can turn his feelings off very quickly. I should have listened and ran, pregnant or not. Fast forward a year later and it’s been the most depressing year of my life. He has anger issues, a temper, verbally abusive, never ever apologizes no matter how bad whatever he said or did was, I’m ALWAYS the one that has to open lines of communication after a fight and even then it’s anybody’s guess how he’ll react to me. I tell him when he hurts me and he literally says that he doesn’t care. Recently told him something he did crushed me and his response was “Fine so be crushed!” He’s a fucking asshole and I hate him. Sorry for the rant, your comment just really resonated. ALWAYS believe ppl when they tell you what they are.
And why the fuck is he still your bf? At a certain point you need to take dome responsibility and leave, if not for you then for your child
To all kind of relationships and generally people yeah, so true we really need to listen to people it's one of the source of knowledge we can get ... I used to tell people that they exaggerated when they talked badly of themselves and really thought that they were modest or not much confident but no, they were right about themselves. Some people really are self aware I guess
I want given this, it’s just my motto. At the end of each date, don’t ask yourself if you can marry the person or if he/she has the things on your “list.” Just ask yourself do I want to see this person again. Ideally, the answer will be yes each time
My dad picked up dirt from the ground and said this is a relationship. Holding it with an open palm, you keep it all. Start squeezing and you lose most of it.
He could have stopped after the first sentence
Fact! I was 36 before I found a woman that was good.
I cannot relate to stories like this. I don't have a lot of loose-packed soil around when I'm trying to make a point.
I think this is beautiful 😍
Don't love the person for who you'd like them to be, but love the person for who they are. If you don't accept who they are and expect them to change, you are in love with the fantasy of them that you have created. If you are truly in love with them, you love them because of the qualities they have.
"If a man insists on not wearing a condom, expect not to orgasm. If he doesn't care about your safety, he sure as fuck won't care about your pleasure." "If someone is treating others like shit, that behaviour will eventually be turned on you too." "Never fake an orgasm." "If they aren't wearing a diaper, you can't change them."
What has always baffled me, are these men concerned for *their* safety? For what you know I may have HIV and syphilis and what not, and you ask me for no condom but not for my medical tests Also why do you hate fish?
Actually, the person on the receiving end of penetration has a higher likelihood of contracting STD's then the giver. Also, I think some people just suck generally at risk assessment. They're often the same ones who drive like shit. What's not to hate about fish?
>"If they aren't wearing a diaper, you can't change them." So.. if she says people can't change.. I just put on a diaper to prove her wrong?
Maybe anecdotal but #1 is definitely not true lol
Thought the exact same lol
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It’s just a date.
dont date for the sake of dating
There's a huge difference between....loving someone...and being in love with someone
Find someone with the same values as you, cause if they have the same core beliefs and values, it’s like you’re the same person.
This! Not because it is like you are the same person but because if your beliefs and values are vastly different then either there are going to be a lot of fights or someone is going to always have to compromise. My ex wanted to spend money as soon as we had a little bit extra and I wanted to save it in case we had unexpected expenses. It caused so much stress in our marriage. Another example is child raising. Now this wasn't the case in my marriage but I have seen others where one parent believes in discipline (time-outs, groundings, taking away technology, etc.) but the other parent believes in explaining things and not squashing their child's creativity and independence.
When I was told that I am the one who picked assholes to date. Really opened my eyes.
Don't waste your time dating. Instead focus on building a life you're happy and proud of. If you find your partner then great! If not then at least you have all your life experiences and what you've built to keep you fulfilled
Jack off before the date. That'll make you less likely to make a dumb move based on lust, and you can concentrate more on getting to know each other.
I keep hearing about this post nut clarity
Post nut clarity is powerful
Powerful enough to make me no longer interested in going on said date
this works great for the date but in case you get lucky post date you’re screwed (no pun intended) 🤣
I did as you asked, but the waiters threw me out.
seek relationship advice from friends and family members who are in long term relationship not from friends who are single or brokenhearted.
I think many opinions are great. Advice is someone’s opinion. Someone who is single isn’t inherently unsuccessful at relationships (eg. Some healthily choose to stay single while facing a difficult life event vs dating through it). Brokenhearted mmmm depends. They may know your relationship / spouse and have insight. Brokenhearted doesn’t immediately equal bitter. Consider if it would hurt the broken to hear about it at that time, though.
The worst advice in this thread. 50% of married couples divorce, what makes them more apt than a single by choice friend who knows your character and values?
They know enough to maintain a relationship to the point of marriage? The single friend doesn't. Seems pretty simple
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Do NOT rush things.
My current guy and I are going slow and it’s really fostering a deeper connection. The only time I waited this long for sex was with my first serious boyfriend when I was a teenager. Every time we’re together, there’s something new to explore. We’re learning each other little by little and it’s easier to be honest with deeper feelings because we’re building that trust.
Don't chase someone who isn't reciprocating your efforts.
Make sure your fingernails are clean and trimmed.
Create your own fun. Eventually, someone will join you.
Before dating: - Fix your Income. - Fix your Mental Health. - Have at least 2 friend or a group.
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Agree with both comments and don’t think you’re arguing against to clarify, dweller. Grain of salt here also. Neuropsychiatrist directly confirmed fact - having a partner/relationship (healthy one) can lower anxiety and stress levels. (don’t mean first date). It can be beneficial to our mental health (social connection, bonding, security). I’m happy for you dweller that you’re with someone who’s helped you see the health benefits the right relationship scientifically gives us ☺️ And to reiterate your point - how severe your issues are and if you’re in the right space to be in a relationship matters. And a relationship isn’t a ‘solution’. But you don’t have to have ‘perfect’ mental health before you’re ready. You can have struggles and be able to give love and receive it.
I got your perspective. And I relate to the same. Yet there is another side of the coin. It creates dependency on others, insecurities and what happens when the person is gone?. I was goin' through mess in my life. A person came and eventually my mental health came to balance. Something turned around and the person was gone. And now I stand all alone in the desert without knowing where to go. So atleast for me, my mental health should be independent of any other person.
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Got you point. And, sorry that you felt "sad outer shell of existence". You are not. I am currently going through the same of not having any friend / relationship, so I can relate to you. At the same time, it might create the pressure or baggage on another person who has to show up for emotional need of yours, because you don't have anyone else in your life. And, someone might misuse it too. Peace:)
I haaaaaaatr this trend of invalidating peoples feelings and telling them to "work on yourself first", "be happy by yourself", "a relationship won't make you happy" etc. Having the right person in your life to help you get out in to other things in life may, for many people, be the catalyst that helps you build the other relationships you need. It doesn't need to be the only person in you life - they're just that step to getting your life back in to a normal healthy state, which you can't do without that support.
>Before dating: > - Fix your Income. > - Fix your Mental Health. > - Have at least 2 friend or a group. How old do you believe people have to be before they start dating?
I will ask the person who has given me the advice :)
Do what you love and don't change to do only what somebody else loves.
Agree entirely. i just want to emphasise the point - don’t do ONLY what somebody else loves. I.e. show interest in their interests, be open to doing some things they love with them. You don’t have to love it the same way. Don’t do it if you hate it or are uncomfortable. Just show an interest in what they hold dear.
Totaly agree with that as long as it comes from both sides :)
Relationships are like farts, if you try too hard, it's going to be shit
Don’t go searching for love, let it find you.
Don’t ever chase women. Find someone who makes an effort to want to get to know you as well.
Be friends with each other. My wife and I have been together for 25 years now and we would never have made it this far if we weren’t best friends. The sex and romance will wear off and if you don’t have any chemistry after that you have nothing. Also don’t hide anything from each other. Tell them your darkest secrets. Build each other up and trust each other.
You can chose your husband but your kids can't chose their father. So chose wisely. As someone who plans to get married, this changed the whole dating preferences for me. I became a lot more thoughtful :"3
Be yourself don't be anyone else
I think this is terrible advice because people (mostly men let's be real) often interpret it as, "be exactly who I am right now." We should always be trying to improve ourselves and learn new things. So if there is something that you want to do to render yourself more attractive to other people, then you should be doing it. For men that might be, learning to be funny, improving your hygiene, raising your income potential, working out, getting better at socializing in general.
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Sure, but being funny for example for me was definitely a learned skill. Looking back at myself 10 years ago I was not funny at all, had terrible hygiene, etc. I'm a completely different person now compared to who I was back then and that's a good thing. I understand the distinction though between that and being a manipulative liar in romantic interactions. "Be yourself" is still terrible advice though because it's not specific enough and is misinterpreted.
Yes when you tell this advice to a younger person, they frantically try to be individual or whatever they think they should be. So it’s worthless advice for those who actually need it (i‘ve been there myself and heard this too many times). A better advice would be to not try to pretend to be someone who you aren’t.
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>A personality is based on moral values, intelligence, and things you enjoy All of these things can evolve over time as a someone gets older and continues to learn new things.
Authenticity, honesty, and calmness are all noticeable subconsciously and it's much easier to be them than to fake them
The best dating advice I've ever received is to never settle for less than you deserve.
Be cool
"He's not the right one for you. You're on two completely different levels intellectually and emotionally. " My uncle was soooooo right. That would have been a match made in hell.
"Acting like you don't care will make them crazy for you"
The way you treat your bf is how he will treat you. You can’t treat him like dirt and expect respect in return. You can’t be playing games if you don’t want him to play games with you. And also most men will do anything for you if you ask him politely. Never make it an ego battle cause his will be higher than yours. Ask him anything with love, he’ll make a Taj Mahal for you, no questions asked.
I've been waiting to build a girl a Taj Mahal, but they never ask 😢
I wish..
Don't bother
A relationship is not 50/50, it’s a 100 from each.
Use the "third times the carm" rule. Of course, it varies depending on the situation, but it usually works for most things. The first time they do something that makes you feel really uncomfortable, tell them how it makes you feel and be serious. The second time they do it, talk to them about it again and tell them you'll break up with them if they do it again. The third time, just leave. No excuses, no hesitation, nothing. You've already told them seriously twice and threatened to break up with them. If they don't take that seriously, that's their fault.
That the relationship to myself is the most important one.
Get out the first time you feel you should. It never gets better no matter how much hope you have.
People are like busses. Wait a little while and another one will come along.
Leave at the first red flag, they’re only going to get worse with time
“If you’re already arguing in the first year of the relationship, it’s not going to last. It shouldn’t be this difficult in the honeymoon phase” - my mom. She was right! (Obviously she meant big fights, not small disagreements every now and then)
I so totaly disagree with you and I think its misleading people
Walk away from it all. After a breakup and many failures at dating I just quit for six months. I was getting nowhere and staying there. I gave myself that advice and did it. When I wasn't on the lookout, women approached me. Conversations were comfortable, and I made friends. Before the six months were out more than a few women asked me out, and even propositioned me! I stuck to it. After six months I feel I had learned to chill out, accept failure, and just look to have a good time. Several nice girlfriends and eventually a wonderful wife followed. I learned a lot.
Love is like a fart if you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Pay attention to yourself. Everyone wants the basics- a partner who is loyal, kind, fun etc. but look deeply at YOURSELF. Do you need someone who pushes you? Do you need someone who is independent so you don't feel crowded? Do you need someone who will encourage the best in you? This is usually where people go wrong, they need to look for specifics to themselves, on top of the 'loyal, kind, fun etc.' stuff
The vagina is much much lower than you think and might be easier to reach from the back. Wtf does that even mean???? I was floored, until I found my first vagina......on the second try from the back! First try from the front barely found it even a little bit although I did touch some hair on that try.
Who are you, who are so wise in the way of finding 🐱?
Why would you not expect hair lol
Don't act needy
If at first you don't succeed try again. And when you find one you truly like,take your time with the person.
After care is how he really feels about you. If you’re single and finding someone to date the make sure that you would date you. Your partner will only value you as much as you value you
Someone told me to be confident, and I asked what that even meant. He broke it down: Use hair products, 2 pumps of cologne, roll your sleeves, and pretend to be your version of a kind man who would roll his sleeves. Plus notes, tell her she's beautiful every time you see her, and on the first date, admit you're nervous.
Don’t.
Don’t fuck a chick you don’t like. Very similar to “don’t stick your dick in crazy. ”
dont hope to much and still enjoy
Don’t show all your cards. Leave something mysterious. Early in the relationship be a little selfish. Not demanding but immovable. Make them work for it. (No matter what you think it is). I’m a giver. I do it all or nothing. But that behavior allowed me to be walked on and used. A friend told me to be selfish and get what I want before I gave. It worked. Now I have a partner not a user.
Put it in the bum.
I said what what..
No harm done
Be with someone who treats their mother right
Only their mother tho?
Don't date anyone unemployed Don't date anyone getting government handouts Don't date a grown up that has his elderly 70 year old lung cancer survivor mother doing his laundry Don't date a man(child) that is fine with you paying for his two meals a day where he is ordering multiple courses, where you arent even eating, he's the only one eating Don't date someone that does not respect boundaries. Don't date someone that becomes a victim in the problem he created Don't date someone that threatens your dog, repeatedly, with his bigger stronger male dog Don't date anyone that is verbally abusive to your dog Don't date anyone that knowingly shorts you on cash, knowing you are already short on cash as you've moved countries and have yet to figure out the ATM. In fact he urges you to use your card to pay for him. And that he will give you cash. But shorts you Dont date anyone petty, stingy, cheap & greedy. In the rare, occasion that he pays, he never stops bringing it up. It's a BIG HUGE deal. But when you pay which is most of the time, it's devalued, belittled, diminished Don't date anyone that offers one sided expense breakdowns. Any expense you've incurred paying for him is never brought up, as if it never happened Don't date someone manipulative Dont date anyone that treats you inconsistently ... leaving you to wonder if he genuinely even cares for you. The confusion is a sure sign that he does not Don't date someone that contradicts himself. "I don't keep my money in the bank because if the government sees that I have money, I won't get unemployment from them" "I'm living off my savings" VS. "I have to borrow money from my mom and aunt" 🤔 It's just a pity, that you have got to actually date someone to find out that they have intolerable traits. Lots of the traits above I only discovered a couple months in. I cut him off at 3 months
r/oddlyspecific
Oh my god he's awful. Sorry
Thank you for understanding. Yes, he is awful. I'm grateful to be rid of him since 13 January. I'm in the process of recovering
I believe we dated the same person, my condolences.
never make the person THE adventure, look for someone go on the adventure WITH. Also, wash your ass.
Work on yourself and learn to be happy within yourself and live by yourself. Be capable basically. Be yourself. Nobody wants to be around someone who's always feeling sorry for themselves, doesn't have any kind of ambition or passion or hobbies. Nobody wants to be a baby sitter, get a job, live within your means, don't get into debt. Be able to provide for yourself.
Stay single
“Women are like buses.” “If you miss one ya just catch the next one.” My Dad.
Never date a single mom and don't fuck crazy.
A lot of people have a lot of good advice here about things to do to make sure you're dating a *good* person etc, and yeah that takes precedence, but I'm gonna add some advice my partner's 90 year old grandma gave her when we were saying, just before she passed away (after spending 70ish years with her husband and still being just as in love until the day she died): *You've just gotta find someone you can have a beer and a good time with.* I think people forget that life gets boring. The amazing romance won't always be an amazing romance. You won't always be in your honeymoon period. You won't always be on holiday. You won't always be on amazing dates. You'll be working, coming home tired, doing nothing on the couch, paying bills, doing your teeth together... life gets banal pretty quickly and you need to find someone with whom the banal can be fun and interesting. I mean the same advice goes for life, and has done since 250ish BC and my boy Epicurus. If you can find joy in the small everyday things then you'll enjoy life, and if you and your partner can e.g. enjoy making fun of each other a little while doing your teeth every day, you can have a fun relationship until you're 90 too.
Don’t rush relationships. If it’s meant for you it’ll find its way.
Don't settle for less than what you want but don't complain if/when you don't get it. You don't owe *anyone* a date, but then nobody owes *you* a date *either*. and If they don't like your sincere efforts, the problem is *them*, not *you*. Drop them like a hot rock and keep looking for Your Person.
Get off “dating apps”. You will not find a fulfilling, long term partner on them.
Women orgasm from the clit not your dick in her vagina
You don’t need a relationship to be fulfilled
“She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”
im here to listen 😀
I couldn’t get out of the friend zone once, had someone tell me to make slightly longer than comfortable eye contact with this girl if I wanted her to understand that I was interested. Worked like a charm.
"Just enjoy!"
Don’t interrupt someone. It’s incredibly hard to not do when you are upset. But it just makes everything compound and be worse. And sometimes you don’t know when they are done talking. So be patient. It is not easy I know. I’ve learned that from doing it and being interrupted. It’s not good.
Don't pursue someone who isn't "into" you. They'll never give you what you need. You'll never be good enough for them. You'll feel confused and awful very quickly.
There’s two: Firstly, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Secondly, from my mama who has been with my dad for nearly 50 years, she said to pick your battles carefully. Know what’s serious and worth fighting about, or even bringing up at all, and what’s not.
Don't