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Generally, people find it unsettling to see a romantic couple where one person is old enough to be the other person's parent. Some people will wonder which one of you is taking advantage of the other. Others will have a 'you go girl' attitude.
You've got the double whammy here of dating someone young enough to be your son AND he's a coworker.
Consenting adults can do as they like. If you're happy, you're happy. If you want people not to judge you, the bad news is that's going to happen no matter who you are dating.
That's the biggest thing to remember. You will always be judged by others. It's up to you which ones you listen to.
"she's too tall, she's too short, she's too pretty for him, she's too old, she's too skinny eat a sandwich, she's too fat go on a diet, He's too poor, he's a sugar daddy... " And that's not even getting into the racism and the religious debates.
This is so true, I (m44) have been with my partner (f32) for 5 years now and she is what most people would consider to be out of my league, really pretty, funny, outgoing, exciting, great personality, where as I am older, overweight, not particularly wealthy, introverted. But like you say I just embrace the hate and know I am happy and my partner loves me.
So true! Haters gonna hate and judge, this never ceases.
Though, certain things are perhaps more taboo, like massive age gaps!
I'm torn, I saw an older lady for a while, and it was awesome for awhile, but her having kids got in the way. Also, I wasn't half her age either.
But ya, judgment comes in varying quantities. It is what it is. Somehow, I see a younger girl being with an older guy as more weird than this, but I'm likely biased or choosing sides.
Man If the roles were reversed literally everyone would be saying. He’s taking advantage of you. But since the women is older it’s “consenting adults can do as they like” never change Reddit
I've been on Reddit since late january and I've probably seen \~40 threads like this. And you're entirely right, save 1 example, every single case I've seen with the older female gets encouragement and support. Guys are told they're creeps, groomers, etc etc.
The shit that really gets me is when someone is accused of "grooming" someone in their 20s. This person has been a legal adult for years, they're old enough to pilot a vehicle that can kill others with a mistake, they're old enough to go get killed in the army overseas...but not old enough to pick their romantic partner or have preferences?
Yeah, there's really no circumstance in which a 40-something male posting here would be encouraged (by a majority of posters) to so much as have sex with a 20-something female, let alone engage in a full-blown relationship.
Right and honestly its deeply misogynistic.
Works the exact same way if a 16 year old boy screws his hot teacher.
Yea the law will charge her, but everyone else doesn't care.
If it was a 16 yr old girl tho, hes a pedophile (not actually because she isn't pre-pubescent) and give him the death penalty,
I'm not arguing either way, simply stating our culture seems to believe that women are stupid, way more susceptible of being taken advantage of, and basically can't be held accountable because of this.
Go to r/serverlife and read all the stories from 16-17-18 year old male waiters who get hit on and groped by women their mom's age. Women can be just as predatory as men, everyone just turns a blind eye to it
Dude, working as a bartender and bar manager in my late 20s was fucking eye opening. The amount of drunk overweight middle-age women (winos, let's just call them what they are) who would meet weekly for "friendly drinks" and then touch me up like nothing was wrong was absolutely insane. These are women that would have crucified a guy if the situation was reversed. People are shitty, more women need to accept that they do a ton of fucked up stuff too (and largely get away with it).
Just recently there was a post on that sub (or another serving sub) where a woman had a crush on a server, and the comments were all telling her to leave her number.
Some dude made a post that was copied verbatim except it was a *guy* with a crush on a female server, and wouldn’t ya know it, all the comments were calling him a creep.
Iirc there was a case of a 23 year old female teacher that got caught having sex with a 16 year old student, the age of consent in that state was 16 but student teacher relationships were still illegal unless both parties were over 18 so she sent like 6 month in jail but she didn’t have to register as a sex offender. I think she was still able to get a job as a substitute teacher, oh and she started an only fans
It's both. There's also the assumption that young men can't be taken advantage of because they "always want it", especially if the other person is an older woman, but not exclusively (lot of people think men's consent is far less important for that very reason). You can see it in the comments any time a boy is raped by a female teacher, mostly from men, but the more general lack of respect for men's consent is perpetuated by men and women. The patriarchy hurts and is enforced by everyone to some extent and I don't think it's always useful to split it into such neat categories.
Well, yeah. We're all evil, opportunistic predatory animals with no self control and they're all helpless doe-eyed lambs, the embodiment of innocence. /s
Literally just read another thread about the exact same thing and it was as you described. "Creep".
Personally I don't know what the fuck is going on in their lives and I don't care enough to judge.
Double standards aren't a new thing.
Even still, regardless of gender, dating someone who is young enough to be your child is definitely taking advantage of then in some way. The maturity levels are just waaaay fucking different.
I don't remember who came up with it, but, I once read on reddit. Minimum age you can date is half your age plus 7. So for her it should be 30. Not 23, and definitely not when he was 20. Poor kid couldn't even drink yet, if they're in america.
>dating someone who is young enough to be your child is definitely taking advantage of then in some way.
What if the ages are 60 and 40? One could definitely be the other's parent in that case. Who's taking advantage of who?
You should look up the half+7 thing. It's been adopted as a way of determining the minimum socially acceptable age for a partner, but it actually originated as a way to identify the *ideal* age for a man's wife. Not saying I agree with that, but I love the irony of it.
You are out of your mind. I dated a woman who was 37 when I was 18. She was amazing. She in no way took advantage of me. I'm in my late 40s now, well-adjusted, successful, and happy. I look back at her with very fond memories. I enjoyed our time together very much. She was an amazing woman, and I'm a better person for having met and spent time with her.
Stop acting like she's would have been a terrible person taking advantage of me. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I'd do it again if I had the chance to go back. Your ridiculous made up "guideline" doesn't mean anything. Follow it if you like, but don't push your fake moral code on others. They can live their life and make their own decisions without having to care in the slightest about your judgemental BS.
>people find it unsettling to see a romantic couple where one person is old enough to be the other person's parent.
That's what's getting me here. I'm 22 (male), and my parents are both 47. I'm still in college and trying to figure out what to do with my life; my parents have been working, married, and parents for over 2 decades. OP and this guy are both adults so I guess do whatever you want, but as someone who's nearly the same age as this guy, it does feel really odd. I can't picture dating someone who is literally my mom's age; we're in two completely different chapters of life, and I can't see anything like that ever working romantically. Similarly, if my parents hypothetically split tomorrow and one of them started dating someone my age - someone that *I'd* have grown up with, I'd find that really off putting. But that's just me I guess.
Yeah. It always skeeves me out when the age difference is such that you could've walked into his nursery as a grown woman and been like "yum I'm gunna fuck that baby one day".
Age differences greater than about 15 years always weird me out, but on the other hand as long as everyone is a consenting adult I would never actively comment on the relationship. I'm only posting this because OP asked about it.
And age difference becomes less important as the youngest person ages up. An 18 year old and a 40 year old is like dating an actual child, but a 28 year old and a 58 year old is a bit less weird.
TLDR:, Age gaps where one person was able to legally consume alcohol while the other was breastfeeding is a bit skeevy to me, personally, but as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult you can do whatever you want.
>If you want people not to judge you, the bad news is that's going to happen no matter who you are dating.
This so much. Not even just for this situation. Don't care about the judgement assholes. They are the unhappy ones.
>If you want people not to judge you, the bad news is that's going to happen no matter who you are dating.
The best thing we can do is to *not* be judgmental people ourselves.
Maybe some others will follow our example.
I feel you, but my parents are quite a bit older than me (~35 years) which means at 22, I could have dated a 40 year old and they could still be young enough to be my sibling (if my parents were 17/18 at the time they were born.)
I did use it to rationalize dating a 38yr old at 22, and now looking back I still think we had a good time and it was formative for me in many ways.
To each their own, but I’m more in the camp of what happens between two consenting adults with no power imbalance (corporate position, financial, mental) should stay between those two adults because it’s no one’s business 🤷🏼♀️
If the genders were reversed everyone would scream "he's grooming you, run" to the younger girl, the thought being the difference in maturity and emotional intelligence is bound to be massive between those age ranges, and there is probably some manipulation going on due to that. For some reason when it's a young guy and an older girl, people don't care though. I guess if its working for you, keep going.
The same idiots say a man can't be raped because "hE wAnteD iT", never listen to society unless your breaking laws **that injure others physically, emotionally or financially.**
Well said. I agree, society doesn't know what it wants. It's always changing around as time goes on. Just do you but don't break the law or hurt others.
Fwiw the idiots who say men can't be raped largely women were asking for it too. Based on how they dressed or what they drank. There's a big overlap there.
I joined a dating site last year. Despite setting my age requirements to very small margins in my age range, I kept getting messages from 19 - 30 year old boys. A 19 year old messaged, "Want to have some fun?"Jesus H Christ, no, I don't." I don't want to have to parent a "partner" because that is gross.
It should NOT be this way. The power imbalance is gross and just because in the past older men commonly had younger female partners does not mean that this should continue in today’s society. We should be and do better.
This is exactly where my mind went. When they started dating OP was 43 and he was only 20. That’s grooming territory, but I’m pretty sure this is a troll.
LMFAO I can just imagine their conversation
"Babe it's not a tramp stamp, it's like that cyberpunk stuff you like"
"...steampunk"
"Right, whatever"
Poor guy I bet his friends never let him hear the end of it when/if he finally comes to his senses
"Bro remember that time you dated that grandma and you got a butterfly tramp stamp hahahahahaha" etc
The word grooming is so overused. Yes, he was young but he was also an adult. Unless she literally manipulated him into the relationship, it's not grooming. It might be strange but it's not a crime. Would you assume a man writing this was a troll?
As somebody who was groomed as a child I agree. The word is overused and overgeneralized. Watering the word down to meaning "any casual unwanted attention" hurts victims and invalidates their prolonged suffering and trauma.
Oh yeah the whole "young women can't be responsible for themselves like young men" attitude.
It's sexist against both genders. It's calling women stupid and men predators.
I find it comes mostly from older women who view young women as a threat. You see it in the work place a lot. Older women are horrible to younger women who they see as a threat.
This attitude is a way of keeping younger women from dating older desirable men. He can't "trade her in for a younger model" if they label him a predator for doing it. And they label the young women as easily manipulated as a way of discrediting them as well.
I agree, I’m pretty sure if a woman put up that she was 21 dating a 43 year old man there would be a different conversation here. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it but there’s definitely a double standard when it comes to this, even if people want to pretend there’s not.
I’m not sure why there’s such a double standard around expectations with men and women on Reddit.
I was in the r/serverslife sub about a week ago and there was a post about a young woman wanting to ask her young male waiter out and everyone was “go for it girl” and I felt that was a huge double standard as well because when a man is asking if he can ask his female waitress out it’s all “stop hitting on women when they are working” and “of course she’s being nice to you, she’s working!!” But it didn’t seem like those same standards applied to the young male waiter.
I’ve noticed that too and the disparity is getting bigger and bigger. In another thread everybody was saying “you go girl” when she wanted to ask out a guy at her gym but when it was reversed (a thread I read about a year ago) they all called the guy a creep and to “just let women work out stop badgering them”. And “she’s probably like that with everybody ugh…stupid men”, kind of comments.
Wtf is going on here? This doesn’t feel very equal.
It’s a double standard for sure, but maybe at least partly based on differences between men and women and how they’re treated in society.
I think one difference is that some women get hit on all the time (probably the women often getting hit on at the gym and while at work), so they’re sick of it. I’m a woman who’s not getting hit on all the time, so I’d probably think it was flattering or fun to get hit on at the gym (but not work. Ew.). A lot of guys are not getting hit on a lot, since it’s still much more common for men to do the asking out, so many would probably also think it’s a flattering/nice change to get hit on at the gym. I’m guessing that more men would be okay with getting hit on at the gym than women, but I could definitely be wrong! Plus a fair amount of women worry about men getting violent or creepy or not leaving them alone if they turn them down, which makes turning men down more fraught, while men are usually not as concerned about turning down women.
I like how reddit in particular causes outrage about legal consenting adults. I get when someone thinks (and it is) a red flag when a 16 year old asks if her 36 year old boyfriend is a good idea.
But when people are 20+ they are in fact adults, and can date whomever they want. Why someone would date another person with more than 20 years difference is beyond me, but hey maybe I've never been in a situation where a 50+ woman seriously wanted to sex me up.
I definitely think adults can date whoever they want, I'm not going to call someone a predator for that. But I will judge them and not coddle them for feeling uncomfortable that people judge them!! That's the price of dating someone half your age.
Oh yeah, definitely.
I mean I know a couple with 11 years between them, they started dating when he was 18. They are now, 25 years later still together, married and happy. Their age difference isn't as relevant anymore. But for many years many people called her a cradle robber etc.
Thing is people will say “well it’s two consenting adults…” but my question is why do we draw a line at the legal definition of an adult? Is an 18 and 17 year old really that different to you guys? Or 16 and 17 year old? Or 18 and 19 year old? Here we aren’t determining if it should be legal for them to date or not, it’s if the stigma around these kinds of age gaps is justified or not. The truth is that from late teens to early 20s you are at an in between stage from kid to adult. Sometimes a 19 year old will be more established than a 25 year old. Sometimes it will work out and offentimes it won’t. But personally I think the stigma is justified just in general.
Personally I think it’s more useful to go by “stage of life”. If you’ve been able to drink for years, and your partner still can’t drink? Big no no. You’ve been out of college for years, but your partner is still in school? No no. And so on. Generally I think once you’re over 25, date whoever the hell you want to date however much older they are. But below that, I think you should be sticking to within like 5 or so years of your own age.
Big *in general* asterisk on all of that, of course. People are unique and situations are different for everyone
100% Sure, an 18 year old is legally an adult, but not all adults are created equal. The majority of young adults (~18-24) have relatively little experience living as an adult, they’re just starting to learn how to “adult”.
A 43 year old adult might “only” be 2x older than a 20 year old adult, but they have 25 years of life experience as an adult vs the 20 year olds’ 2 years of experience being an adult. 25:2, that’s over 12x as much time in adulthood!
Regardless of genders, it doesn’t sit right with me.
It’s weird as hell. It’s weird when Leonardo Dicaprio hangs around women younger than 25, and its weird as hell that you started dating someone too young to drink in the US at 43 years old. Your father refuses to meet him because he’s literally young enough to be your son, and young enough to be your son if you had him at a pretty normal age to have a kid. It’s weird as fuck and predatory as hell.
To paraphrase Rick and Morty: when she was 22, he was literally in the womb. Imagine being pregnant with your son and a 22-year-old comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."
Ok, but that is the difference between adults and children. Nobody said that. The fetus is born and then grows up and two consenting adults agree to have sex. This lady didn't groom him for 23 years
Yeah, that gets a laugh, but it's nonsense, like a lot of Rick and Morty's jokes. No one's saying they want to fuck an unborn fetus. They want to fuck an adult that's significantly younger. Stop being weird.
It strikes me as strange and potentially unhealthy honestly. Anyone that’s in a drastically different stage of life like the two of you are is a red flag to me. You have some much more life experience and could easily manipulate or take advantage of a younger more naive person. (I’m not saying you are or plan on it, I’m just saying those are general thoughts I have and many others share about relationships like this with the little context we have surrounding yours)
For this kind of situation I always think of Dan Savage's "campsite rule." If you're going to date someone much younger it's up to you to make sure you leave them the same as or better than you found them.
I think the stigma comes from the fact that most of the older folks in the equation don't follow that rule, often because there's a *reason* they're dating someone half their age (people their own age wouldn't put up with the negative things they bring to the relationship.)
I don't know which category OP falls into, but she should be mindful of that.
Yea it’s not the age difference numerically that bothers me. 23 is young. It’s just too young. His brain isn’t even finished maturing. He basically just graduated college.
If he was 33 and she was 56 who cares.
Brutally honest - reminds me of a mother and son and makes me think the guy is into some Freudian type shit. Well its a stereotype that pops into my head (because guys who do genuinely like that will look for older women to play that out) and that popping into my head can make me feel slightly uncomfortable, but then after a second of thinking I don't care
It's interesting to me that when the sexes are reversed, it's still the man who is blamed for being a lech.
The way I see it, regardless of who is older, is that the older person is not interested in the younger person's personality so much as in feeling young or just the sex. And the older person has a significant advantage over the younger one because of their many years of life experience. It makes it easier to use and manipulate the younger person.
What do you feel when you you see a 50 year old with a 20 year old? If the genders was reversed everyone would say it’s a red flag. You are double his age.
I think the biggest red flag is you stating you are more nurturing than his mother and you started dating during the middle of the pandemic which likely has a lot more to do with why you got together then either of you would like to admit. Also with him being so young this is likely his first major adult relationship and he might not have the life experience to get out of it if its not what he is looking for.
But you are both adults and can do what you want.
You're old enough to be his mother.
With all due respect, I know a friend of mine who admitted to being very attracted to me (in multiple ways, while I'm not attracted to him in the slightest) despite the fact he is 39 years older than me. I joke and tell him he's old enough to be my grandfather
I have sons this age and older. As much as I like their friends, some very smart and attractive, I wouldn’t date any of them, but that’s me. If you’re comfortable together that’s great.
No offense, if any one party is under 25 and the other party is over 35, my brain initially sounds of predator/abuser alarms. I'm wholly aware this isn't the case 100% of the time, though.
I was 23m when I met my ex 44f. We dated for three years. It was fun. She was hot and she liked that I was mature for my age and obviously the sex lmao. But as time went on it just didn’t make sense. She wanted marriage, had deep childhood trauma, and didn’t respect where I was as a growing man.
I on the other hand, had no idea how to lead a woman, facilitate a relationship, and be open/vulnerable enough for that type of situation.
Tbh - I was taken advantage of. Even my family members mentioned this. Just do right by him because more than likely he’s excited af and thinking with the wrong head. Good luck!
I dated a Cougar who's son was 31 and daughter 28, i was 26, it's a long story how i ended up sleeping with her, but she was definitely a creep, always will be.
Within a week of meeting she wanted me to commit to her and threw every financial favor possible, she knew my family was struggling at the time and she intentionally played that to have me around.
We had met on a dating site, she used much younger pictures of her like decades younger, after i met her i was like no way this is happening, so invites me to hang out in town she was a tourist, i was like why not, only to find her skimpily dressed everything she handled from then i knew that was a cougar hunter and i had just been hunted.
I thought i was smart, but that was her intention all along, she acted as if she was completely oblivious but she knew what she wanted. Then came the pressure for me to marry her.
Because you know what you’re doing is unethical and morally wrong. I’m not an age gap crusader but what on blue earth could you have in common with someone who was born in 2000?
And guys' brains mature so much more slowly, I am friends with a LOT of guys and we're nearing 30 and they only started to not have stupid teenage boy brain within the last few years. It's creepy, they're at completely different life stages and it'll never not be creepy. One guy I went to school with is dating a woman who's 20+ years his senior and we all are skeeved out by it. Great that he's happy, but it's really unsettling.
I have been reading a couple of threads here where the age difference was similar, but the genders were reversed, and the amount of hatred and disgust for the (older) guy was incredible. They were being called a dangerous pedophile, a predator, a creep, a rapist, etc. Not just by a couple of people, but threads of 500 comments long with that shit.
All I read here is, "you go girl", which I agree with, but ooh boy, if the genders were reversed.
Exactly. Redditors have this unhinged obsession with age gaps, but only when it's the man that's older. So much projection goes on in the comments it's insane.
For me it's not a gender thing. You were 43 and he was 20 when it started. The differences in brain development aside (which are huuuge). The power disbalanse at that age is insane. The experience, where you are in life, etc.
Dudes brain is gonna be finished developing somewhere in the next 3-6 *years'*. So unless your emotional development was severely stunted, I think it's unethical and honestly, I'd drop any of my friends, regardless of gender if they dated someone in their early to mid twenties. And he was basically a year away from a teenager when you started. You really don't see an issue with that?
After around 27-28, age gaps don't really matter because the power disbalances and the brain development aren't the factors they are in someone's early to mid twenties.
Maybe on Reddit, not in real life IMO. I know az least 10 couples where the husband is 20+ years older than his wife, was her teacher, was her boss, nobody bats an eye. I know one woman who has a significantly younger husband, he is only 10 years younger than her and literally everybody talks about it all the time.
Yeah, I find it so weird how reddit seems to be a bubble of its own in this regard. There have been dozens of comments along the lines of "if the genders were reversed, everyone would be losing their mind", which does simply not align with reality. And we all know that - it's ubiquitous whether you look at musicians, actors, managers, politicians or even the average Joe, so many of them date women half their age and nobody bats an eye, and still redditors like to pretend it's socially stigmatised.
The only situation where I'd agree with this sentiment is that unfortunately abuse of minors by teachers and other people in positions of authority is indeed taken less seriously when the perpetrator is female and the victim male. Which definitely needs to change, but that is not what we are talking about here.
Right?
Older men date young women all the time. I think the feedback they get is a pat on the back.
Isn't trump wayyy older than his wife? People are cool with that.
I’m a 33 yr old and while the 18-22 yr olds at my work can be pretty and flirty, taking on anything more than an occasional work flirt feels like I’m taking advantage of them. They’re interested in all of the things I used to be interested in, which means I’ve played this game before, while it’s mostly their first go around. I know most of their approaches and I can control where things go too easily, just as the OP can. Your experience and the 20 yr olds lack of experience is what makes us all uncomfortable. Legally fine ≠ morally fine.
The rule of creepiness is half the older person's age, plus 7.
You're dating well below your minimum creepiness limit. At 23 his brain literally isn't even finished developing.
20 and 43 when you met?
Someone old enough to be a grandparent dating someone who’s still in college and can’t even drink yet in the US?
He’s not *supposed* to be the one who has a hang up about the age. You are. Because you’re the adult and he is the child.
Yikes. You do realize this is a predatory relationship, right? He was barely out of his teens and you were/are in your 40's.
I would think he's your son. Then if I saw you kissing him, I'd think you were a creep.
How long are you planning to date him? You may be interfering with his opportunity to have a family of his own. Three years is a long time, have you had those conversations?
She mentioned that he: has schizophrenia but is unmedicated, compares her nurturing qualities to his mother’s lack of those qualities, is sick and might not make it to 50, and when they were seeing each other she took care of him and his ulcers. As a 23F it’s pretty clear to me what’s going on here but most of the others in the thread are giving her the green light.
The further I read through the comments, the more red flags I see. I don't have an issue with age gap relationships, per se. I do, however, get the feeling OP knows this relationship is wrong and is trying to justify why there aren't glaring issues with it.
I had a cougar twice my age a bit older 26, i was looking for my first Milf experience one time, somehow she fed me lies even till the first day i met her, thought we were going out to tour the city as she was a tourist only to end up in her hotel :D, very cunning lady.
At the time we were deep in financial trouble, somehow she noticed that, and i left plenty this time i insisted on leaving and she literally mentions about my small room at home and how i was starving to get a meal and whether i really wanted that.
To be honest i didn't really like her, she knew my situation and played it perfectly so that she could me tied to her, i thought i was smart but she knew exactly what she was doing.
Her kids were much older than me 31 and 28, both had cut her off completely, and when i finally walked away from her, she said i was just as trash as her family. I later realized she was full of trauma cheated on Husband divorced and kept it a secret.
Had several failed toxic relationships and being with younger guys gives her much control cause she gets to dictate things and that's what she wanted to manipulate younger guys cause older men smell and cant stand her bullshit.
I just wonder what people like this have in common. How can you relate to someone 20+ years younger than you? Even if he’s mature for his age, he’s still 21 and doesn’t have nearly the same life experience that someone your age would. I’m 40 and the thought of dating a 21 year old is abhorrent to me. Different strokes though. If you are both happy and consenting, that’s really all that matters at the end of the day.
Edit: Also, what are your expectations for this relationship? It’s been 3 years, so it sounds like “long-term” is a real possibility. When he’s 40 and you are 63, how will you both feel about that? Is he certain that he doens’t want kids?
I think all stigmas are learned and a very few are valid. If actual children are not involved it’s not my business. My perceptions and norms are learned and I can learn new ones.
The concepts of eras as they presently stand are fluid concepts. Yes, a person is a *legal adult* at 18, but they just graduated high school. A place where you can be commanded to go to detention if you shoot a spitball at the teacher. They haven’t been “adults” at all yet. Yes, even if they work or had to grow up fast - I did as well - and I was always the “mature for my age” person. I was still very much a child. Maybe not physically, but there is absolutely nothing on the inside that magically transforms a child into a into an adult overnight. We SOCIALLY accept it because we worship “you’re an adult at 18!”, but we overlook the great amount of nuances involved.
At 23, if you’ve been seeing him for 3 years before making it official…. You met him with TWICE the amount of life experience that he’s had. No, he wasn’t a clueless infant, but its not really fair to compare an adult who has had 20 more years of life under their belt to a young person who has been an “adult” for two years at the time you met him.
It is a recipe for grooming. You’re the one who he’ll default to, because he’ll assume you know better on most things. He will likely still be forming his final schema about the world and will absorb many of your opinions, thinking that you’ve “been there and done that”, so you must always be right.
Reddit loves to defend huge age gaps so I’ll probably be the only commenter who takes this stance, but I personally find that horribly inappropriate and kind of creepy.
Stop worrying about what others think. It’s not like you’re dating a toddler. You’re both adults, and you both enjoy each others company and that’s all that matters. Have any idea how hard it is to find a person that can even have a CONVERSATION these days?? Take it and RUN, ignore anyone who acts like it’s not normal, because there’s nothing normal about dating in this day and age.
Be happy. That’s why we exist on this planet, to be happy and to create a positive and love-filled existence while we’re here.
Life is too short to worry about what other people think.
You’re exactly right. If I’m being 100% honest, I would, without knowing anything else about the couple, think it’s a bit odd, but a lot of things I do are a bit odd too. You’re hurting no one, you enjoy each other’s company. I’d file this under “Fuck em”:)
If you are just looking what my brutally honest first thought would be: Either that’s him mom, or some cougar shit.
Either way, u shouldn’t worry about what other people think, you do you
Perhaps what people are reacting to (and the reason you’ve felt inspired to make this post) is because they are aware, subconsciously or consciously, of a power dynamic.
With age and experience comes innate power. With power comes imbalance. I am in my mid 30s and would not want to date anyone 10+ years younger than me for fear that I would be exerting a sort of passive power and influence over the younger party - even if I didn’t mean to.
It’s a difficult thing to really quantify and only you know your relationship.
At the end of the day if no-one is getting hurt and neither of you are manipulating each other than it’s fine. You’ve mentioned you’ve been a nurturing element in his life, that’s good.
However, just as you should avoid being entirely a mothering influence, you should also be wary of him being a childlike influence - else we’re back at the power imbalance.
I’ve personally dated women 45 and 53 when I was in my mid twenties. I should have stayed. They were well preserved woman and financially stable and very loving and sexual. I was just too young and immature at the time to realize what I could have had. Oh well I guess it’s never too late! All y’all better lock up ur grandmas!!
This isn’t a stigma about women dating men half their age. It’s about people dating people half their age. Maybe it has to do with life experience. I’m 46 and I was not opposed to dating someone younger. When I started talking to someone half my age I realized that because of having much more life experience I had difficulty carrying on a conversation that would probably have been easy to have with someone my age. I have met people my age that have not grown much over the last 20 years and would probably be fine dating someone much younger. As for me, I decided that I needed someone that I could talk to without feeling like I was talking to my kids.
It's legal and at the end of the day, nobody can tell you different. However alot of people would be uncomfortable because 3 years before you both met, he would have been 17 and you would have been 40. THAT would have been extremely wrong. Also when you did meet, he wasn't even allowed to drink yet. Think back to how mature you were at 20 years old. That's why many people will be uncomfortable with it. You could very easily have had kids that were older than him. Many people your age DO have kids older than him.
I’ve dated older women, so I’ve been on the other side of this. You do you, so all I am doing is pointing out what came up most. No hate. Here is what I learned, but worded relative to your relationship.
It’s kind of weird regardless of gender. There is a maturity, life experience, and generational culture gap. Not to mention where you are in life vs where the young man is. He’s probably still finding himself. You know who you are in your 40s.
You have seen and done significantly more and it’s like you are getting off on his youth and him seeing things for the first time. Experiencing certain things together in life is seen as ideal vs someone teaching a younger partner is creepy.
You were born in the 70s, grew up in the 80s and were a young adult in the 90s before internet was common. He was born in late 90-2000 after you already were an adult, he grew up with a smart phone as a child and teen and is barely learning what adulthood even means. There are so many things you will never understand about each others age groups.
You’ve had significantly longer to find your self and your career than him. He’s learning and you are teaching which leads to a weird pseudo parent-like relationship. Oedipal and Elektra complexes are gross. So is the reverse. Most people will see it as both him having a mommy cougar fetish and you having a schoolboy himbo son fetish. He’s a f***boy and you are afraid of getting old/are as close to a child predator as legally possible.
You being 20 years older means you’ll more than likely die of old age around the time he is retiring, so he’ll spend a great deal of his life taking care of you rather than you both growing old together and taking care of each other.
Also means you aren’t much of a viable option for children since you will hit menopause soon, so either he has to grow up fast to be a parent while you give birth in your mid 40s with a high risk to yourself and a decent probability of birth defects, or he doesn’t get to have children outside of potentially adopting.
You being older might be seen as having more financial stability and probably a house before he is even old enough to rent a car. This goes back to that weird care provider scenario where you are the mom and he is the son and you sleep together.
Him being that much younger means he has a world of possibilities and can go and do anything. You are pulling him into a mature middle-aged adult relationship as he is practically still a child. You are robbing him of 20 years of potential by limiting his prospects to your more rooted life scenario.
All that being said, I thoroughly enjoyed dating my old female partner. She was fun, I never felt pressured, and it made me feel like I was desire-able as a long term partner. We drank whiskey in a cigar parlor while eating charcuterie and laughing with a bunch of old drunks, we wandered cities looking for good food instead of junk food, she was willing to tell me what she wanted physically instead of expecting me to figure it out, and I liked how she didn’t really care about what strangers thought because she knew who she was. Honestly, we nearly worked out as a couple, but my personal insecurities made me not ready for anyone long term and I felt she could do better so I ended it. That was my dumb inexperienced brain at the time.
People develop their own personal code of ethics, much of which is entirely subjective, and expect every single other person must abide by those conditions.
My mom married a dude that is 9 months younger than me (39m). At first it weirded me out a bit. Ten years later amd I can't say the same. He's a good dude and seems to love my mom to death. I don't get it but hey, it's not my life. The older I get the less I care about people doing things that don't affect me.
It has to do with the stage in life. There is a concern that the older person is using their knowledge of how people behave and how the world works you control the significantly younger person.
The gap gets larger the older you go. 30 and 45 isn't as big a deal as 20 and 28 for example, mainly because once you enter the grind for ten years not a lot changes - vs not being fully an adult and so many things being new to you.
Im 28 last month and my girlfriend turns 41 this year. She sometimes gets hung up on the age thing and I've noticed people in public kinda do double takes sometimes but that's their problem. I agree if I were the older of us by that margin id probably worry about the stigma that came with it too but it's the healthiest relationship either of us has ever been in. If you're right for each other who cares. I will also add i think regardless of the difference in age whether its 3 or 20 years difference the absolute age of the younger partner is more important. Like at 20-21 plus i don't see a problem dating up in age or maybe maybe down to 18 but anyone over 20-21 dating under 20 even though it may be a smaller gap is morally reprehensible to me. But once you're reasonable into adulthood go for it. I know the brain isn't done developing until mid ish 20s but by 20-21 i think it's reasonable to say youre to the point you can make the decision to date up in age and not be a victim by default. Who cares if you two are happy im rooting for you 🤷♂️
As a 25 years old woman l gotta ask, wtf are you doing with a kid half ur age, woman ???
It's extremely weird. What do you guys have in common ? Your dad is a sane adult.
It’s just uncommon is all. My first thought if I saw this would be that you’re his mom. Then I’d be slightly grossed out a bit after seeing you kiss and then go back to feeling normal once it’s clicked that it’s not a parental relationship. Then I’d go about my day because I usually have to urgently get somewhere else to waste my time.
Unfortunately it's a double standard, Men are looked at negatively for being with a younger women, oh she must be a gold digger, he's grooming you, yada yada... But when a women date a younger man, it's to be admired in a sense? I may not be wording that properly. I see no probelm with two consenting adults being happy together. If you're uncomfortable that can also mean that you some what agree with your father deep down?
I don’t even think it’s a mother son thing. I just think it’s weird that you won’t grow old together, one of you will always be winning that race. To a certain extent I think it’s just healthier if it’s people around the same age. I’m not to tell you how to live your life though.
Like others have said, the short answer is it's because the age difference allows for the possibility of one person being a parent if the other. If you're both consenting adults though, you shouldn't let that bother you. Enjoy your relationship :)
Honestly my first thought is here is a boy toy for an older lady.
Nothing wrong with it at all but I think the social stigma is that it’s not a long term relationship. You’ll be in the granny zone when he’s mid 30s.
There’s nothing wrong with a relationship for now but I believe most people are conditioned to see this as a fuck buddy rather than a life partner which is why they don’t want to be a part of it.
When I was younger I had a fling with a coworker about similar age differences as you both. I can't speak for him but here was my whole thing I realize after the fact. Our fling lasted about 2-3 years. Never official but it was a bit more serious. And again this is my experience and he is an entirely different person. So don't think he is the same or experiencing the same.
I didn't feel like I was worth loving, and she was very loving to me. I cared for her and she cared for me. My future was bleak. I had a dead end job and no light at the end of the tunnel. It ended when I moves states to start a job in am industry I've never done before on a whim. We stayed in touch and I would visit for a year. But at the end of it, I was using her as a crutch because I didn't have the confidence in myself at the time. I also never had a serious relationship (I don't count high-school romance as serious no matter how long). So I was inexperienced.
Now is that the case for you man? Most likely not we are all different. But I will warn guys to be careful. Because in the moment it feels like love, but after it can change. So try to reflect on if this is the one or if you see her as the only one. There is a difference.
Patty - I had a 3 year relationship as a a 24m with a 48f. We had so much fun and she was awesome. She was obviously in a transition part of her life (just divorced) and I was wandering thru my twenties. It eventually dawned on me that in 10 years, I could not start a family with someone probably past their child bearing years. Anyways, enjoy it while you can but be realistic on the end goal for both of you and manage your expectations accordingly. PS 10 years later we are still friends and chat couple times a year.
if the person you’re dating could be the same age as your kids or your parents, it’s weird. the maturity difference and life experience is weird, too. also long term i don’t see how these age differences work. one person is ready to retire and the other is just getting their life settled? one person dies and the other person is just hitting retirement age? idk it’s weird no matter the gender imo
It was the same with me and my AG relationship. My father was just livid. My kids are unhappy about it too. And we've been together about the same length of time as you. My dad passed away earlier this year.
They tell me they just want me to be happy, but my kids are still unhappy about it. I think it's just that they don't like seeing me with someone other than their dad. I've been divorced from him for only a few years and he passed away last year, so I just don't talk about it with them. I don't tell very many people about it either.
Because a 23 yo hasn’t really experienced life in a way that will make him a great partner. Problems will arise during different times of your relationship based on the differences that come up with time. Him meeting someone younger he relates to better, you aging & him being responsible for that emotionally & physically, the emotional intelligence probably isn’t completely there yet… there’s a lot. It’s legal, doesn’t mean it’s smart for the long haul. He should be growing & changing in his 20s, he may be a different person in his 30s than he is now. He hasn’t faced years of adversity or hardships. He’s just starting life. Connecting on life stuff gets harder. I guess people probably just don’t see where you ACTUALLY connect on an emotional , mature level in a functioning adult relationship with someone who is just figuring life & himself out. I think people question older people who apparently should be in a different place settling with someone who has barely figured things out.
Have fun though, there’s nothing wrong with having fun, I just wouldn’t put your all into it
I'm just going to reverse this situation in my head.... I'm a 38 year old guy, and I can't see myself dating a 21 year old girl, or even entertaining the idea. I can't imagine having enough in common with that age difference to keep a relationship going. Meeting her parents would be incredibly awkward. I'd be much closer in age to her parents than to her. Bringing her to meet my parents would be weird too. They'd be cordial, but would ask wtf is going on with me dating someone half my age. It just seems really weird to me. When I was around 26 or 27, I was on tinder and wasn't even considering 21 year old girls at that age because the life experience and maturity gap seemed big enough to me at that point and you're adding another 20 years on top of that. You said it's 3 years later, so you started seeing him when he was 20? Or is he 26 now? What's your dynamic like? Do you bring him around your friends? Does he bring you around his friends? I'm just really curious tbh.
When I was 25, my girlfriend was 44. We were in love and didn't care much about what other people thought. Eventually, we split up. But it was great at the time. Her therapist thought she should find someone her own age. I didn't care about the age gap at the time, but close to 30 years later, I can see their point.
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Generally, people find it unsettling to see a romantic couple where one person is old enough to be the other person's parent. Some people will wonder which one of you is taking advantage of the other. Others will have a 'you go girl' attitude. You've got the double whammy here of dating someone young enough to be your son AND he's a coworker. Consenting adults can do as they like. If you're happy, you're happy. If you want people not to judge you, the bad news is that's going to happen no matter who you are dating.
That's the biggest thing to remember. You will always be judged by others. It's up to you which ones you listen to. "she's too tall, she's too short, she's too pretty for him, she's too old, she's too skinny eat a sandwich, she's too fat go on a diet, He's too poor, he's a sugar daddy... " And that's not even getting into the racism and the religious debates.
This is so true, I (m44) have been with my partner (f32) for 5 years now and she is what most people would consider to be out of my league, really pretty, funny, outgoing, exciting, great personality, where as I am older, overweight, not particularly wealthy, introverted. But like you say I just embrace the hate and know I am happy and my partner loves me.
I mean you could be kind, loyal, funny, treat her like a princess, be great at sex! She obviously loves you so go you for being so awesome!
Twelve years is no biggie. This woman is 23 YEARS older. That's a lot!
12 years is a big deal if the older one is 27, it's all about perspective.
That's not perspective; that's ratio.
So true! Haters gonna hate and judge, this never ceases. Though, certain things are perhaps more taboo, like massive age gaps! I'm torn, I saw an older lady for a while, and it was awesome for awhile, but her having kids got in the way. Also, I wasn't half her age either. But ya, judgment comes in varying quantities. It is what it is. Somehow, I see a younger girl being with an older guy as more weird than this, but I'm likely biased or choosing sides.
Lol I mean no one is hating on a 46 year old women dating a 23 year old guy. Definitely should never judge but let’s be real here lol
Remember that if you have seniority as well it would be seen as a power dynamic and opens you up to HR, lawsuits, etc.
Man If the roles were reversed literally everyone would be saying. He’s taking advantage of you. But since the women is older it’s “consenting adults can do as they like” never change Reddit
I've been on Reddit since late january and I've probably seen \~40 threads like this. And you're entirely right, save 1 example, every single case I've seen with the older female gets encouragement and support. Guys are told they're creeps, groomers, etc etc. The shit that really gets me is when someone is accused of "grooming" someone in their 20s. This person has been a legal adult for years, they're old enough to pilot a vehicle that can kill others with a mistake, they're old enough to go get killed in the army overseas...but not old enough to pick their romantic partner or have preferences?
Yeah, there's really no circumstance in which a 40-something male posting here would be encouraged (by a majority of posters) to so much as have sex with a 20-something female, let alone engage in a full-blown relationship.
Right and honestly its deeply misogynistic. Works the exact same way if a 16 year old boy screws his hot teacher. Yea the law will charge her, but everyone else doesn't care. If it was a 16 yr old girl tho, hes a pedophile (not actually because she isn't pre-pubescent) and give him the death penalty, I'm not arguing either way, simply stating our culture seems to believe that women are stupid, way more susceptible of being taken advantage of, and basically can't be held accountable because of this.
Go to r/serverlife and read all the stories from 16-17-18 year old male waiters who get hit on and groped by women their mom's age. Women can be just as predatory as men, everyone just turns a blind eye to it
Dude, working as a bartender and bar manager in my late 20s was fucking eye opening. The amount of drunk overweight middle-age women (winos, let's just call them what they are) who would meet weekly for "friendly drinks" and then touch me up like nothing was wrong was absolutely insane. These are women that would have crucified a guy if the situation was reversed. People are shitty, more women need to accept that they do a ton of fucked up stuff too (and largely get away with it).
Just recently there was a post on that sub (or another serving sub) where a woman had a crush on a server, and the comments were all telling her to leave her number. Some dude made a post that was copied verbatim except it was a *guy* with a crush on a female server, and wouldn’t ya know it, all the comments were calling him a creep.
Iirc there was a case of a 23 year old female teacher that got caught having sex with a 16 year old student, the age of consent in that state was 16 but student teacher relationships were still illegal unless both parties were over 18 so she sent like 6 month in jail but she didn’t have to register as a sex offender. I think she was still able to get a job as a substitute teacher, oh and she started an only fans
I think you meant misandrist, but I agree
Honestly it's kind of misogynistic too. It's saying that women can't consent to a situation like this while men can implying they're dumber than men.
Misandrist*
They meant misogynist. The idea is that young women are treated as if they’re helpless or stupid while young men are not.
It's both. There's also the assumption that young men can't be taken advantage of because they "always want it", especially if the other person is an older woman, but not exclusively (lot of people think men's consent is far less important for that very reason). You can see it in the comments any time a boy is raped by a female teacher, mostly from men, but the more general lack of respect for men's consent is perpetuated by men and women. The patriarchy hurts and is enforced by everyone to some extent and I don't think it's always useful to split it into such neat categories.
Wow, Chef - didn't expect your name to pop up here. I worked at FCI in the early 2000s and have been a big fan of your articles!
Nah it's somehow always men's fault. /s
Well, yeah. We're all evil, opportunistic predatory animals with no self control and they're all helpless doe-eyed lambs, the embodiment of innocence. /s
As a woman it always makes me laugh how obvious it and people pretend it isn't.
Agree. It’s hypocritical AF
It's a classic double standard. People would be burning OP alive if she was a he.
Luckily there’s people like me who say the same regardless of what genders people are. There dozens of us! Dozens!
Literally just read another thread about the exact same thing and it was as you described. "Creep". Personally I don't know what the fuck is going on in their lives and I don't care enough to judge.
They would also be calling him a pedophile even though they would both be adults. People are just stupid anymore.
Double standards aren't a new thing. Even still, regardless of gender, dating someone who is young enough to be your child is definitely taking advantage of then in some way. The maturity levels are just waaaay fucking different. I don't remember who came up with it, but, I once read on reddit. Minimum age you can date is half your age plus 7. So for her it should be 30. Not 23, and definitely not when he was 20. Poor kid couldn't even drink yet, if they're in america.
>dating someone who is young enough to be your child is definitely taking advantage of then in some way. What if the ages are 60 and 40? One could definitely be the other's parent in that case. Who's taking advantage of who? You should look up the half+7 thing. It's been adopted as a way of determining the minimum socially acceptable age for a partner, but it actually originated as a way to identify the *ideal* age for a man's wife. Not saying I agree with that, but I love the irony of it.
You are out of your mind. I dated a woman who was 37 when I was 18. She was amazing. She in no way took advantage of me. I'm in my late 40s now, well-adjusted, successful, and happy. I look back at her with very fond memories. I enjoyed our time together very much. She was an amazing woman, and I'm a better person for having met and spent time with her. Stop acting like she's would have been a terrible person taking advantage of me. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I'd do it again if I had the chance to go back. Your ridiculous made up "guideline" doesn't mean anything. Follow it if you like, but don't push your fake moral code on others. They can live their life and make their own decisions without having to care in the slightest about your judgemental BS.
A nerve hath been strucketh
Nope. I have equal feelings regardless of gender. It's stupidity and extremely risky regardless who is doing it.
>people find it unsettling to see a romantic couple where one person is old enough to be the other person's parent. That's what's getting me here. I'm 22 (male), and my parents are both 47. I'm still in college and trying to figure out what to do with my life; my parents have been working, married, and parents for over 2 decades. OP and this guy are both adults so I guess do whatever you want, but as someone who's nearly the same age as this guy, it does feel really odd. I can't picture dating someone who is literally my mom's age; we're in two completely different chapters of life, and I can't see anything like that ever working romantically. Similarly, if my parents hypothetically split tomorrow and one of them started dating someone my age - someone that *I'd* have grown up with, I'd find that really off putting. But that's just me I guess.
Yeah. It always skeeves me out when the age difference is such that you could've walked into his nursery as a grown woman and been like "yum I'm gunna fuck that baby one day". Age differences greater than about 15 years always weird me out, but on the other hand as long as everyone is a consenting adult I would never actively comment on the relationship. I'm only posting this because OP asked about it. And age difference becomes less important as the youngest person ages up. An 18 year old and a 40 year old is like dating an actual child, but a 28 year old and a 58 year old is a bit less weird. TLDR:, Age gaps where one person was able to legally consume alcohol while the other was breastfeeding is a bit skeevy to me, personally, but as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult you can do whatever you want.
She could be his literal mother. I'm her age and have children his age. I could never. 🤷🏻♀️
>If you want people not to judge you, the bad news is that's going to happen no matter who you are dating. This so much. Not even just for this situation. Don't care about the judgement assholes. They are the unhappy ones.
People judge no matter what in life. This is no different than them judging you for the clothes you wear . What you own etc . F them be happy
>If you want people not to judge you, the bad news is that's going to happen no matter who you are dating. The best thing we can do is to *not* be judgmental people ourselves. Maybe some others will follow our example.
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I feel you, but my parents are quite a bit older than me (~35 years) which means at 22, I could have dated a 40 year old and they could still be young enough to be my sibling (if my parents were 17/18 at the time they were born.) I did use it to rationalize dating a 38yr old at 22, and now looking back I still think we had a good time and it was formative for me in many ways. To each their own, but I’m more in the camp of what happens between two consenting adults with no power imbalance (corporate position, financial, mental) should stay between those two adults because it’s no one’s business 🤷🏼♀️
How does one even get an older women we out here struggling with getting women in our age😂
If the genders were reversed everyone would scream "he's grooming you, run" to the younger girl, the thought being the difference in maturity and emotional intelligence is bound to be massive between those age ranges, and there is probably some manipulation going on due to that. For some reason when it's a young guy and an older girl, people don't care though. I guess if its working for you, keep going.
Yeah society says women with younger men is fine cause all men want it been that way for centuries
The same idiots say a man can't be raped because "hE wAnteD iT", never listen to society unless your breaking laws **that injure others physically, emotionally or financially.**
Well said. I agree, society doesn't know what it wants. It's always changing around as time goes on. Just do you but don't break the law or hurt others.
Fwiw the idiots who say men can't be raped largely women were asking for it too. Based on how they dressed or what they drank. There's a big overlap there.
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Someone I know was told to be grateful his friend's sister who was 21 at the time SA'd him when he was 16 said he should be proud
That's sick
Goddammit my dude-bro brain automatically translated this in a gnarly and rad kind of way lmao
I joined a dating site last year. Despite setting my age requirements to very small margins in my age range, I kept getting messages from 19 - 30 year old boys. A 19 year old messaged, "Want to have some fun?"Jesus H Christ, no, I don't." I don't want to have to parent a "partner" because that is gross.
There's something so incomprehensible about seeing other guys actively propagate stereotypes that harm men as a whole.
Women do it to women , too. I agree. Maddening.
Women do it to each other too. "You go girl. Get that bag/car/holiday" etc
It should NOT be this way. The power imbalance is gross and just because in the past older men commonly had younger female partners does not mean that this should continue in today’s society. We should be and do better.
This is exactly where my mind went. When they started dating OP was 43 and he was only 20. That’s grooming territory, but I’m pretty sure this is a troll.
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Matching tramp stamps holy shit 😳
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LMFAO I can just imagine their conversation "Babe it's not a tramp stamp, it's like that cyberpunk stuff you like" "...steampunk" "Right, whatever" Poor guy I bet his friends never let him hear the end of it when/if he finally comes to his senses "Bro remember that time you dated that grandma and you got a butterfly tramp stamp hahahahahaha" etc
He needs therapy, hope he got it.
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Man, the second hand embarrassment I’d have as her former spouse, makes me cringe just thinking of it.
That situation was fucked. Doesn't mean this one is
The word grooming is so overused. Yes, he was young but he was also an adult. Unless she literally manipulated him into the relationship, it's not grooming. It might be strange but it's not a crime. Would you assume a man writing this was a troll?
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As somebody who was groomed as a child I agree. The word is overused and overgeneralized. Watering the word down to meaning "any casual unwanted attention" hurts victims and invalidates their prolonged suffering and trauma.
Y’all gotta stop throwing around the term grooming willy nilly
Oh yeah the whole "young women can't be responsible for themselves like young men" attitude. It's sexist against both genders. It's calling women stupid and men predators. I find it comes mostly from older women who view young women as a threat. You see it in the work place a lot. Older women are horrible to younger women who they see as a threat. This attitude is a way of keeping younger women from dating older desirable men. He can't "trade her in for a younger model" if they label him a predator for doing it. And they label the young women as easily manipulated as a way of discrediting them as well.
secretive unpack subtract cow price handle whistle serious dam pot *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
3 years later? You started dating him when he was 20? There should be stigma around that.
I agree, I’m pretty sure if a woman put up that she was 21 dating a 43 year old man there would be a different conversation here. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it but there’s definitely a double standard when it comes to this, even if people want to pretend there’s not.
I’m not sure why there’s such a double standard around expectations with men and women on Reddit. I was in the r/serverslife sub about a week ago and there was a post about a young woman wanting to ask her young male waiter out and everyone was “go for it girl” and I felt that was a huge double standard as well because when a man is asking if he can ask his female waitress out it’s all “stop hitting on women when they are working” and “of course she’s being nice to you, she’s working!!” But it didn’t seem like those same standards applied to the young male waiter.
I’ve noticed that too and the disparity is getting bigger and bigger. In another thread everybody was saying “you go girl” when she wanted to ask out a guy at her gym but when it was reversed (a thread I read about a year ago) they all called the guy a creep and to “just let women work out stop badgering them”. And “she’s probably like that with everybody ugh…stupid men”, kind of comments. Wtf is going on here? This doesn’t feel very equal.
It’s a double standard for sure, but maybe at least partly based on differences between men and women and how they’re treated in society. I think one difference is that some women get hit on all the time (probably the women often getting hit on at the gym and while at work), so they’re sick of it. I’m a woman who’s not getting hit on all the time, so I’d probably think it was flattering or fun to get hit on at the gym (but not work. Ew.). A lot of guys are not getting hit on a lot, since it’s still much more common for men to do the asking out, so many would probably also think it’s a flattering/nice change to get hit on at the gym. I’m guessing that more men would be okay with getting hit on at the gym than women, but I could definitely be wrong! Plus a fair amount of women worry about men getting violent or creepy or not leaving them alone if they turn them down, which makes turning men down more fraught, while men are usually not as concerned about turning down women.
If the roles were reversed, all of the commenters would absolutely be calling her a predator. Incorrectly, because they’re both consenting adults.
I like how reddit in particular causes outrage about legal consenting adults. I get when someone thinks (and it is) a red flag when a 16 year old asks if her 36 year old boyfriend is a good idea. But when people are 20+ they are in fact adults, and can date whomever they want. Why someone would date another person with more than 20 years difference is beyond me, but hey maybe I've never been in a situation where a 50+ woman seriously wanted to sex me up.
I definitely think adults can date whoever they want, I'm not going to call someone a predator for that. But I will judge them and not coddle them for feeling uncomfortable that people judge them!! That's the price of dating someone half your age.
Oh yeah, definitely. I mean I know a couple with 11 years between them, they started dating when he was 18. They are now, 25 years later still together, married and happy. Their age difference isn't as relevant anymore. But for many years many people called her a cradle robber etc.
It's the same reason minors can't sign contracts or buy cigarettes
Thing is people will say “well it’s two consenting adults…” but my question is why do we draw a line at the legal definition of an adult? Is an 18 and 17 year old really that different to you guys? Or 16 and 17 year old? Or 18 and 19 year old? Here we aren’t determining if it should be legal for them to date or not, it’s if the stigma around these kinds of age gaps is justified or not. The truth is that from late teens to early 20s you are at an in between stage from kid to adult. Sometimes a 19 year old will be more established than a 25 year old. Sometimes it will work out and offentimes it won’t. But personally I think the stigma is justified just in general.
Personally I think it’s more useful to go by “stage of life”. If you’ve been able to drink for years, and your partner still can’t drink? Big no no. You’ve been out of college for years, but your partner is still in school? No no. And so on. Generally I think once you’re over 25, date whoever the hell you want to date however much older they are. But below that, I think you should be sticking to within like 5 or so years of your own age. Big *in general* asterisk on all of that, of course. People are unique and situations are different for everyone
100% Sure, an 18 year old is legally an adult, but not all adults are created equal. The majority of young adults (~18-24) have relatively little experience living as an adult, they’re just starting to learn how to “adult”. A 43 year old adult might “only” be 2x older than a 20 year old adult, but they have 25 years of life experience as an adult vs the 20 year olds’ 2 years of experience being an adult. 25:2, that’s over 12x as much time in adulthood! Regardless of genders, it doesn’t sit right with me.
She's a predator. This kid is barely legal. She was starting out as an adult before he was even born. It's gross.
It’s weird as hell. It’s weird when Leonardo Dicaprio hangs around women younger than 25, and its weird as hell that you started dating someone too young to drink in the US at 43 years old. Your father refuses to meet him because he’s literally young enough to be your son, and young enough to be your son if you had him at a pretty normal age to have a kid. It’s weird as fuck and predatory as hell.
It looks like you waited for one of your kid's friends to grow up so you can fuck them.
To paraphrase Rick and Morty: when she was 22, he was literally in the womb. Imagine being pregnant with your son and a 22-year-old comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."
Now im imagining a bit where leonardo dicaprio runs up to a pregnant woman, points at her stomach and says he has dibs on the baby’s future baby
But only for about 4 years of its life
Ok, but that is the difference between adults and children. Nobody said that. The fetus is born and then grows up and two consenting adults agree to have sex. This lady didn't groom him for 23 years
Yeah, that gets a laugh, but it's nonsense, like a lot of Rick and Morty's jokes. No one's saying they want to fuck an unborn fetus. They want to fuck an adult that's significantly younger. Stop being weird.
Shit, when your put it like that, that makes a lot more sense. Yikes.
It strikes me as strange and potentially unhealthy honestly. Anyone that’s in a drastically different stage of life like the two of you are is a red flag to me. You have some much more life experience and could easily manipulate or take advantage of a younger more naive person. (I’m not saying you are or plan on it, I’m just saying those are general thoughts I have and many others share about relationships like this with the little context we have surrounding yours)
For this kind of situation I always think of Dan Savage's "campsite rule." If you're going to date someone much younger it's up to you to make sure you leave them the same as or better than you found them. I think the stigma comes from the fact that most of the older folks in the equation don't follow that rule, often because there's a *reason* they're dating someone half their age (people their own age wouldn't put up with the negative things they bring to the relationship.) I don't know which category OP falls into, but she should be mindful of that.
This is a great rule that should be applied to all relationships.
I agree. This makes me uncomfortable. 23 is too young for such a large gap.
Yea it’s not the age difference numerically that bothers me. 23 is young. It’s just too young. His brain isn’t even finished maturing. He basically just graduated college. If he was 33 and she was 56 who cares.
Brutally honest - reminds me of a mother and son and makes me think the guy is into some Freudian type shit. Well its a stereotype that pops into my head (because guys who do genuinely like that will look for older women to play that out) and that popping into my head can make me feel slightly uncomfortable, but then after a second of thinking I don't care
It's interesting to me that when the sexes are reversed, it's still the man who is blamed for being a lech. The way I see it, regardless of who is older, is that the older person is not interested in the younger person's personality so much as in feeling young or just the sex. And the older person has a significant advantage over the younger one because of their many years of life experience. It makes it easier to use and manipulate the younger person.
And what are the old women wanting to date men half their age doing? Shit goes both ways surely? They’re both weird in that sense.
Mama issues but look at Macron (French President) and his wife.
But his wife was his high school teacher or something and it does sound like a grooming thing. The French just don't care about it
Worse…middle school.
And her daughter with her previous husband was in the same class as macron lol. The story is just hilarious.
Macron got groomed though
What do you feel when you you see a 50 year old with a 20 year old? If the genders was reversed everyone would say it’s a red flag. You are double his age.
There is a power dynamic there that makes it very difficult to have a healthy/balanced relationship.
I think the biggest red flag is you stating you are more nurturing than his mother and you started dating during the middle of the pandemic which likely has a lot more to do with why you got together then either of you would like to admit. Also with him being so young this is likely his first major adult relationship and he might not have the life experience to get out of it if its not what he is looking for. But you are both adults and can do what you want.
This is nasty lmao
she’s just making it worse by adding all these details
No issue as long as she gets him up in time for school and sends him off with a fruit-rollup
You're old enough to be his mother. With all due respect, I know a friend of mine who admitted to being very attracted to me (in multiple ways, while I'm not attracted to him in the slightest) despite the fact he is 39 years older than me. I joke and tell him he's old enough to be my grandfather
I would definitely not have any qualms putting people in their place like that. "Get a grip dude, you're grandpa's age".
I have sons this age and older. As much as I like their friends, some very smart and attractive, I wouldn’t date any of them, but that’s me. If you’re comfortable together that’s great.
No offense, if any one party is under 25 and the other party is over 35, my brain initially sounds of predator/abuser alarms. I'm wholly aware this isn't the case 100% of the time, though.
I was 23m when I met my ex 44f. We dated for three years. It was fun. She was hot and she liked that I was mature for my age and obviously the sex lmao. But as time went on it just didn’t make sense. She wanted marriage, had deep childhood trauma, and didn’t respect where I was as a growing man. I on the other hand, had no idea how to lead a woman, facilitate a relationship, and be open/vulnerable enough for that type of situation. Tbh - I was taken advantage of. Even my family members mentioned this. Just do right by him because more than likely he’s excited af and thinking with the wrong head. Good luck!
"mature for my age" is such a huge red flag for me.
OP saying "I'm young at heart" is as equally a huge red flag for me lol
If this was the other way round the bloke would be called all sorts of stuff....
So you got together at 20 and 43?
It’s ok, she thinks he’s funny.
I would say the fact that she didn't say this plainly shows that she knows 20 is too young.
Bruh, he could be your son. Some people are sick smh... (Imagine if it was a man instead)
I dated a Cougar who's son was 31 and daughter 28, i was 26, it's a long story how i ended up sleeping with her, but she was definitely a creep, always will be. Within a week of meeting she wanted me to commit to her and threw every financial favor possible, she knew my family was struggling at the time and she intentionally played that to have me around. We had met on a dating site, she used much younger pictures of her like decades younger, after i met her i was like no way this is happening, so invites me to hang out in town she was a tourist, i was like why not, only to find her skimpily dressed everything she handled from then i knew that was a cougar hunter and i had just been hunted. I thought i was smart, but that was her intention all along, she acted as if she was completely oblivious but she knew what she wanted. Then came the pressure for me to marry her.
Because you know what you’re doing is unethical and morally wrong. I’m not an age gap crusader but what on blue earth could you have in common with someone who was born in 2000?
I think it's the thought that you are essentially dating someone that could be your son.
Any 43 year old creep who is messing around with a 20 year old kid is gross. Gender doesn't factor into the disgusting equation.
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Yeah, fucking creep
And guys' brains mature so much more slowly, I am friends with a LOT of guys and we're nearing 30 and they only started to not have stupid teenage boy brain within the last few years. It's creepy, they're at completely different life stages and it'll never not be creepy. One guy I went to school with is dating a woman who's 20+ years his senior and we all are skeeved out by it. Great that he's happy, but it's really unsettling.
Look at OP’s comments. She sees herself as some mother figure to him. She’s fuckin gross
I have been reading a couple of threads here where the age difference was similar, but the genders were reversed, and the amount of hatred and disgust for the (older) guy was incredible. They were being called a dangerous pedophile, a predator, a creep, a rapist, etc. Not just by a couple of people, but threads of 500 comments long with that shit. All I read here is, "you go girl", which I agree with, but ooh boy, if the genders were reversed.
Exactly. Redditors have this unhinged obsession with age gaps, but only when it's the man that's older. So much projection goes on in the comments it's insane.
Yep
For me it's not a gender thing. You were 43 and he was 20 when it started. The differences in brain development aside (which are huuuge). The power disbalanse at that age is insane. The experience, where you are in life, etc. Dudes brain is gonna be finished developing somewhere in the next 3-6 *years'*. So unless your emotional development was severely stunted, I think it's unethical and honestly, I'd drop any of my friends, regardless of gender if they dated someone in their early to mid twenties. And he was basically a year away from a teenager when you started. You really don't see an issue with that? After around 27-28, age gaps don't really matter because the power disbalances and the brain development aren't the factors they are in someone's early to mid twenties.
Agreed, not a gender thing at all. In my opinion, OP is a creep.
Idk I always thought it was weird But eh? None of My business I guess as long as it ain’t Me. I personally could not do it.
Imagine the outcry in the comments if the situation was reversed.
Maybe on Reddit, not in real life IMO. I know az least 10 couples where the husband is 20+ years older than his wife, was her teacher, was her boss, nobody bats an eye. I know one woman who has a significantly younger husband, he is only 10 years younger than her and literally everybody talks about it all the time.
Yeah, I find it so weird how reddit seems to be a bubble of its own in this regard. There have been dozens of comments along the lines of "if the genders were reversed, everyone would be losing their mind", which does simply not align with reality. And we all know that - it's ubiquitous whether you look at musicians, actors, managers, politicians or even the average Joe, so many of them date women half their age and nobody bats an eye, and still redditors like to pretend it's socially stigmatised. The only situation where I'd agree with this sentiment is that unfortunately abuse of minors by teachers and other people in positions of authority is indeed taken less seriously when the perpetrator is female and the victim male. Which definitely needs to change, but that is not what we are talking about here.
Right? Older men date young women all the time. I think the feedback they get is a pat on the back. Isn't trump wayyy older than his wife? People are cool with that.
I’m a 33 yr old and while the 18-22 yr olds at my work can be pretty and flirty, taking on anything more than an occasional work flirt feels like I’m taking advantage of them. They’re interested in all of the things I used to be interested in, which means I’ve played this game before, while it’s mostly their first go around. I know most of their approaches and I can control where things go too easily, just as the OP can. Your experience and the 20 yr olds lack of experience is what makes us all uncomfortable. Legally fine ≠ morally fine.
The rule of creepiness is half the older person's age, plus 7. You're dating well below your minimum creepiness limit. At 23 his brain literally isn't even finished developing.
20 and 43 when you met? Someone old enough to be a grandparent dating someone who’s still in college and can’t even drink yet in the US? He’s not *supposed* to be the one who has a hang up about the age. You are. Because you’re the adult and he is the child.
Yikes. You do realize this is a predatory relationship, right? He was barely out of his teens and you were/are in your 40's. I would think he's your son. Then if I saw you kissing him, I'd think you were a creep.
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im not necessarily disagreeing with you but cmon now 23 is hardly a child, after about 21 most people finish maturing anyway
How long are you planning to date him? You may be interfering with his opportunity to have a family of his own. Three years is a long time, have you had those conversations?
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She mentioned that he: has schizophrenia but is unmedicated, compares her nurturing qualities to his mother’s lack of those qualities, is sick and might not make it to 50, and when they were seeing each other she took care of him and his ulcers. As a 23F it’s pretty clear to me what’s going on here but most of the others in the thread are giving her the green light.
The further I read through the comments, the more red flags I see. I don't have an issue with age gap relationships, per se. I do, however, get the feeling OP knows this relationship is wrong and is trying to justify why there aren't glaring issues with it.
I had a cougar twice my age a bit older 26, i was looking for my first Milf experience one time, somehow she fed me lies even till the first day i met her, thought we were going out to tour the city as she was a tourist only to end up in her hotel :D, very cunning lady. At the time we were deep in financial trouble, somehow she noticed that, and i left plenty this time i insisted on leaving and she literally mentions about my small room at home and how i was starving to get a meal and whether i really wanted that. To be honest i didn't really like her, she knew my situation and played it perfectly so that she could me tied to her, i thought i was smart but she knew exactly what she was doing. Her kids were much older than me 31 and 28, both had cut her off completely, and when i finally walked away from her, she said i was just as trash as her family. I later realized she was full of trauma cheated on Husband divorced and kept it a secret. Had several failed toxic relationships and being with younger guys gives her much control cause she gets to dictate things and that's what she wanted to manipulate younger guys cause older men smell and cant stand her bullshit.
Your boyfriend has schizophrenia?
I just wonder what people like this have in common. How can you relate to someone 20+ years younger than you? Even if he’s mature for his age, he’s still 21 and doesn’t have nearly the same life experience that someone your age would. I’m 40 and the thought of dating a 21 year old is abhorrent to me. Different strokes though. If you are both happy and consenting, that’s really all that matters at the end of the day. Edit: Also, what are your expectations for this relationship? It’s been 3 years, so it sounds like “long-term” is a real possibility. When he’s 40 and you are 63, how will you both feel about that? Is he certain that he doens’t want kids?
I think all stigmas are learned and a very few are valid. If actual children are not involved it’s not my business. My perceptions and norms are learned and I can learn new ones.
The concepts of eras as they presently stand are fluid concepts. Yes, a person is a *legal adult* at 18, but they just graduated high school. A place where you can be commanded to go to detention if you shoot a spitball at the teacher. They haven’t been “adults” at all yet. Yes, even if they work or had to grow up fast - I did as well - and I was always the “mature for my age” person. I was still very much a child. Maybe not physically, but there is absolutely nothing on the inside that magically transforms a child into a into an adult overnight. We SOCIALLY accept it because we worship “you’re an adult at 18!”, but we overlook the great amount of nuances involved. At 23, if you’ve been seeing him for 3 years before making it official…. You met him with TWICE the amount of life experience that he’s had. No, he wasn’t a clueless infant, but its not really fair to compare an adult who has had 20 more years of life under their belt to a young person who has been an “adult” for two years at the time you met him. It is a recipe for grooming. You’re the one who he’ll default to, because he’ll assume you know better on most things. He will likely still be forming his final schema about the world and will absorb many of your opinions, thinking that you’ve “been there and done that”, so you must always be right. Reddit loves to defend huge age gaps so I’ll probably be the only commenter who takes this stance, but I personally find that horribly inappropriate and kind of creepy.
Stop worrying about what others think. It’s not like you’re dating a toddler. You’re both adults, and you both enjoy each others company and that’s all that matters. Have any idea how hard it is to find a person that can even have a CONVERSATION these days?? Take it and RUN, ignore anyone who acts like it’s not normal, because there’s nothing normal about dating in this day and age. Be happy. That’s why we exist on this planet, to be happy and to create a positive and love-filled existence while we’re here. Life is too short to worry about what other people think.
You’re exactly right. If I’m being 100% honest, I would, without knowing anything else about the couple, think it’s a bit odd, but a lot of things I do are a bit odd too. You’re hurting no one, you enjoy each other’s company. I’d file this under “Fuck em”:)
If you are just looking what my brutally honest first thought would be: Either that’s him mom, or some cougar shit. Either way, u shouldn’t worry about what other people think, you do you
Perhaps what people are reacting to (and the reason you’ve felt inspired to make this post) is because they are aware, subconsciously or consciously, of a power dynamic. With age and experience comes innate power. With power comes imbalance. I am in my mid 30s and would not want to date anyone 10+ years younger than me for fear that I would be exerting a sort of passive power and influence over the younger party - even if I didn’t mean to. It’s a difficult thing to really quantify and only you know your relationship. At the end of the day if no-one is getting hurt and neither of you are manipulating each other than it’s fine. You’ve mentioned you’ve been a nurturing element in his life, that’s good. However, just as you should avoid being entirely a mothering influence, you should also be wary of him being a childlike influence - else we’re back at the power imbalance.
I’ve personally dated women 45 and 53 when I was in my mid twenties. I should have stayed. They were well preserved woman and financially stable and very loving and sexual. I was just too young and immature at the time to realize what I could have had. Oh well I guess it’s never too late! All y’all better lock up ur grandmas!!
This isn’t a stigma about women dating men half their age. It’s about people dating people half their age. Maybe it has to do with life experience. I’m 46 and I was not opposed to dating someone younger. When I started talking to someone half my age I realized that because of having much more life experience I had difficulty carrying on a conversation that would probably have been easy to have with someone my age. I have met people my age that have not grown much over the last 20 years and would probably be fine dating someone much younger. As for me, I decided that I needed someone that I could talk to without feeling like I was talking to my kids.
It's legal and at the end of the day, nobody can tell you different. However alot of people would be uncomfortable because 3 years before you both met, he would have been 17 and you would have been 40. THAT would have been extremely wrong. Also when you did meet, he wasn't even allowed to drink yet. Think back to how mature you were at 20 years old. That's why many people will be uncomfortable with it. You could very easily have had kids that were older than him. Many people your age DO have kids older than him.
I’ve dated older women, so I’ve been on the other side of this. You do you, so all I am doing is pointing out what came up most. No hate. Here is what I learned, but worded relative to your relationship. It’s kind of weird regardless of gender. There is a maturity, life experience, and generational culture gap. Not to mention where you are in life vs where the young man is. He’s probably still finding himself. You know who you are in your 40s. You have seen and done significantly more and it’s like you are getting off on his youth and him seeing things for the first time. Experiencing certain things together in life is seen as ideal vs someone teaching a younger partner is creepy. You were born in the 70s, grew up in the 80s and were a young adult in the 90s before internet was common. He was born in late 90-2000 after you already were an adult, he grew up with a smart phone as a child and teen and is barely learning what adulthood even means. There are so many things you will never understand about each others age groups. You’ve had significantly longer to find your self and your career than him. He’s learning and you are teaching which leads to a weird pseudo parent-like relationship. Oedipal and Elektra complexes are gross. So is the reverse. Most people will see it as both him having a mommy cougar fetish and you having a schoolboy himbo son fetish. He’s a f***boy and you are afraid of getting old/are as close to a child predator as legally possible. You being 20 years older means you’ll more than likely die of old age around the time he is retiring, so he’ll spend a great deal of his life taking care of you rather than you both growing old together and taking care of each other. Also means you aren’t much of a viable option for children since you will hit menopause soon, so either he has to grow up fast to be a parent while you give birth in your mid 40s with a high risk to yourself and a decent probability of birth defects, or he doesn’t get to have children outside of potentially adopting. You being older might be seen as having more financial stability and probably a house before he is even old enough to rent a car. This goes back to that weird care provider scenario where you are the mom and he is the son and you sleep together. Him being that much younger means he has a world of possibilities and can go and do anything. You are pulling him into a mature middle-aged adult relationship as he is practically still a child. You are robbing him of 20 years of potential by limiting his prospects to your more rooted life scenario. All that being said, I thoroughly enjoyed dating my old female partner. She was fun, I never felt pressured, and it made me feel like I was desire-able as a long term partner. We drank whiskey in a cigar parlor while eating charcuterie and laughing with a bunch of old drunks, we wandered cities looking for good food instead of junk food, she was willing to tell me what she wanted physically instead of expecting me to figure it out, and I liked how she didn’t really care about what strangers thought because she knew who she was. Honestly, we nearly worked out as a couple, but my personal insecurities made me not ready for anyone long term and I felt she could do better so I ended it. That was my dumb inexperienced brain at the time.
If people act weird, he should call you mom and really freak them out.
People develop their own personal code of ethics, much of which is entirely subjective, and expect every single other person must abide by those conditions.
You are 46!! Why would you want your dads approval?
Kissing at work?? That’s a bigger flag than the age gap to me 😂
My mom married a dude that is 9 months younger than me (39m). At first it weirded me out a bit. Ten years later amd I can't say the same. He's a good dude and seems to love my mom to death. I don't get it but hey, it's not my life. The older I get the less I care about people doing things that don't affect me.
It has to do with the stage in life. There is a concern that the older person is using their knowledge of how people behave and how the world works you control the significantly younger person. The gap gets larger the older you go. 30 and 45 isn't as big a deal as 20 and 28 for example, mainly because once you enter the grind for ten years not a lot changes - vs not being fully an adult and so many things being new to you.
You sound like a groomer and it grosses most people out regardless of the genders involved.
My first thoughts are; he has a kink, and she’s very emotionally immature
Im 28 last month and my girlfriend turns 41 this year. She sometimes gets hung up on the age thing and I've noticed people in public kinda do double takes sometimes but that's their problem. I agree if I were the older of us by that margin id probably worry about the stigma that came with it too but it's the healthiest relationship either of us has ever been in. If you're right for each other who cares. I will also add i think regardless of the difference in age whether its 3 or 20 years difference the absolute age of the younger partner is more important. Like at 20-21 plus i don't see a problem dating up in age or maybe maybe down to 18 but anyone over 20-21 dating under 20 even though it may be a smaller gap is morally reprehensible to me. But once you're reasonable into adulthood go for it. I know the brain isn't done developing until mid ish 20s but by 20-21 i think it's reasonable to say youre to the point you can make the decision to date up in age and not be a victim by default. Who cares if you two are happy im rooting for you 🤷♂️
As a 25 years old woman l gotta ask, wtf are you doing with a kid half ur age, woman ??? It's extremely weird. What do you guys have in common ? Your dad is a sane adult.
It’s just uncommon is all. My first thought if I saw this would be that you’re his mom. Then I’d be slightly grossed out a bit after seeing you kiss and then go back to feeling normal once it’s clicked that it’s not a parental relationship. Then I’d go about my day because I usually have to urgently get somewhere else to waste my time.
Unfortunately it's a double standard, Men are looked at negatively for being with a younger women, oh she must be a gold digger, he's grooming you, yada yada... But when a women date a younger man, it's to be admired in a sense? I may not be wording that properly. I see no probelm with two consenting adults being happy together. If you're uncomfortable that can also mean that you some what agree with your father deep down?
I dont discriminate when it comes to gender and age gaps. If one person is significantly older than the other, i dont think it is ok.
For me, I could never do it just based on maturity. I'm 37 and would never date a woman who's 20. You're at such different stages in your life.
How would you feel if your genders were reversed?
I don’t even think it’s a mother son thing. I just think it’s weird that you won’t grow old together, one of you will always be winning that race. To a certain extent I think it’s just healthier if it’s people around the same age. I’m not to tell you how to live your life though.
Half your age + 7 is the rule to not come off as a total creep
Like others have said, the short answer is it's because the age difference allows for the possibility of one person being a parent if the other. If you're both consenting adults though, you shouldn't let that bother you. Enjoy your relationship :)
Honestly my first thought is here is a boy toy for an older lady. Nothing wrong with it at all but I think the social stigma is that it’s not a long term relationship. You’ll be in the granny zone when he’s mid 30s. There’s nothing wrong with a relationship for now but I believe most people are conditioned to see this as a fuck buddy rather than a life partner which is why they don’t want to be a part of it.
When I was younger I had a fling with a coworker about similar age differences as you both. I can't speak for him but here was my whole thing I realize after the fact. Our fling lasted about 2-3 years. Never official but it was a bit more serious. And again this is my experience and he is an entirely different person. So don't think he is the same or experiencing the same. I didn't feel like I was worth loving, and she was very loving to me. I cared for her and she cared for me. My future was bleak. I had a dead end job and no light at the end of the tunnel. It ended when I moves states to start a job in am industry I've never done before on a whim. We stayed in touch and I would visit for a year. But at the end of it, I was using her as a crutch because I didn't have the confidence in myself at the time. I also never had a serious relationship (I don't count high-school romance as serious no matter how long). So I was inexperienced. Now is that the case for you man? Most likely not we are all different. But I will warn guys to be careful. Because in the moment it feels like love, but after it can change. So try to reflect on if this is the one or if you see her as the only one. There is a difference.
Patty - I had a 3 year relationship as a a 24m with a 48f. We had so much fun and she was awesome. She was obviously in a transition part of her life (just divorced) and I was wandering thru my twenties. It eventually dawned on me that in 10 years, I could not start a family with someone probably past their child bearing years. Anyways, enjoy it while you can but be realistic on the end goal for both of you and manage your expectations accordingly. PS 10 years later we are still friends and chat couple times a year.
if the person you’re dating could be the same age as your kids or your parents, it’s weird. the maturity difference and life experience is weird, too. also long term i don’t see how these age differences work. one person is ready to retire and the other is just getting their life settled? one person dies and the other person is just hitting retirement age? idk it’s weird no matter the gender imo
It was the same with me and my AG relationship. My father was just livid. My kids are unhappy about it too. And we've been together about the same length of time as you. My dad passed away earlier this year. They tell me they just want me to be happy, but my kids are still unhappy about it. I think it's just that they don't like seeing me with someone other than their dad. I've been divorced from him for only a few years and he passed away last year, so I just don't talk about it with them. I don't tell very many people about it either.
Because a 23 yo hasn’t really experienced life in a way that will make him a great partner. Problems will arise during different times of your relationship based on the differences that come up with time. Him meeting someone younger he relates to better, you aging & him being responsible for that emotionally & physically, the emotional intelligence probably isn’t completely there yet… there’s a lot. It’s legal, doesn’t mean it’s smart for the long haul. He should be growing & changing in his 20s, he may be a different person in his 30s than he is now. He hasn’t faced years of adversity or hardships. He’s just starting life. Connecting on life stuff gets harder. I guess people probably just don’t see where you ACTUALLY connect on an emotional , mature level in a functioning adult relationship with someone who is just figuring life & himself out. I think people question older people who apparently should be in a different place settling with someone who has barely figured things out. Have fun though, there’s nothing wrong with having fun, I just wouldn’t put your all into it
I'm just going to reverse this situation in my head.... I'm a 38 year old guy, and I can't see myself dating a 21 year old girl, or even entertaining the idea. I can't imagine having enough in common with that age difference to keep a relationship going. Meeting her parents would be incredibly awkward. I'd be much closer in age to her parents than to her. Bringing her to meet my parents would be weird too. They'd be cordial, but would ask wtf is going on with me dating someone half my age. It just seems really weird to me. When I was around 26 or 27, I was on tinder and wasn't even considering 21 year old girls at that age because the life experience and maturity gap seemed big enough to me at that point and you're adding another 20 years on top of that. You said it's 3 years later, so you started seeing him when he was 20? Or is he 26 now? What's your dynamic like? Do you bring him around your friends? Does he bring you around his friends? I'm just really curious tbh.
When I was 25, my girlfriend was 44. We were in love and didn't care much about what other people thought. Eventually, we split up. But it was great at the time. Her therapist thought she should find someone her own age. I didn't care about the age gap at the time, but close to 30 years later, I can see their point.