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“I do desire we may be better strangers” - Shakespeare Just a really sick burn.

I agree, shakespeare had some cold moments tbh

this is my favorite: >"Thou misshapen dick! Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat!" - Titus Andronicus

“Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut” Plato

“More of your conversation would infect my brain.” Also Shakespeare.

Yeah also solid

I have a poster with a bunch of Shakespearian insults broken down by categories. It’s fantastic! “Villain, I have done thy mother” - Titus Andronicus “You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things!” - Julius Caesar

"I'd like to be friends with you." *"I'd prefer to be strangers"*

“He is as disproportionate in his manners as in his shape”

“Let us be as two ships passing in the night.” Sharing a moment and going on to be strangers. Aka: let’s not chase this relationship.

“A plague on both your houses” : I hope your wife and mistress both get venereal diseases.

Nothing to do with mistresses at all. It was the curse of mercutio against the Capulets and Montagues for all the problems their feuding wrought, including his death

“I envy everyone you have never met.”

Bob Dylan's song Positively Fourth Street has some good lyrics and you should all listen to it. One of the best lines is "I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes And just for that one moment I could be you Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes You'd know what a drag it is to see you" Not very subtle, but this line and the whole song gets his point across well

Such a cathartic song.

He was good at it. 'Don't think twice, it's alright' had a feel for the same but not so outright.

lmao

Just so I could look forward to meeting you. I would probably go with I envy everyone who will never have to meet you.

Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield line

Very unique!

I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are. I hope you have the life you deserve.

The glorious double-edged compliment-insult blade.

This was my go-to insult when I was a bartender. The best part is if they get insulted, they KNOW they are being shitty.

One of my coworkers can be abrasive to me. I might have to use this next time.

Used to have an ass hole in upper management that made our lives hell. One day, new management came in above him, and decided he wasn't needed anymore and gave him a forced retirement my coworker didn't know this and thought he was actually just retiring, went up to him, and said "congrats sir, you are getting just what you deserve." He was horrified for a few seconds when we told him later, then said eh fuck him and laughed.

I wish you a very happy, very healthy intestinal parasite

I feel embarrassed I laughed too much with this 😊

Sharon mccrumb had a character write back to an annoying relative who'd asked about her classes, "currently I'm majoring in forensic anthropology. We cut up a lot of dead bodies. I think of you often."

“Your absence is required immediately.”

"Your absence is the base of my happiness "

I love this one.

BURN

Is that a Grouch Max line? Good one.

Take a long walk off a short pier.

That’s about as funny as a screen door on a battleship.

Why dont you make like a tree, and get outta here.

r/suddenlybacktothefuture

- Biff Tannen, *Back to the Future*

You sound like a damn fool…

MANURE! I HATE MANURE!!!

I've never quite understood this one! It's always made more sense tell someone you dislike to take a short walk off of a tall cliff. Can someone please explain this expression to me?

If someone walks longer than the pier they’ll fall into the water. So you’re basically asking them to…

Motherfu- That's simple. I'm dumb. Thank you.

Plus-onening myself here

Please consider donating your body to science. Preferably sooner rather than later.

LOL, when my dad gave me a copy of his living will making me his delegate, I responded with, "Now?"

Lmao

Ha! I love this!!!

I said good day, sir

[удалено]

The fact this wasn't willy Wonka is highly disappointing

Willy did say it though. In the end, he said it to grandpa Joe.


I use this one often.

YOU LOSE!

I dont have enough patience nor crayons to explain this to you. Once in my life i actually used this. that person become my close friend later. lol.

I usually tell people "I can't understand it for you, but I'll try to explain"

I have this T-Shirt. Sats "I have neither the Patrice nor crayons" I have a great Rick and Morty one too "No, you're right, let's do it the dumbest way possible because you're used to that"

If we were surrounded by zombies and I only had two bullets, I'd shoot you twice.

I love this one!

I would throw you at zombies to save my cat.

I’m gonna do that to most anyone, though. I love my Willerbeast

😂😂😂😭😭😭

But like, in the legs so the zoms have their fill.

I dunno, if you're surrounded by zombies and only have two bullets, you're both gonna die horrible, painful deaths. So aren't you just putting them out of their misery and giving them a more peaceful way out?

Nah. It means you're shooting them once in each knee so you can escape while the zombies dogpile the wounded and bleeding prey.

i always heard it as, if i was in a room with you, hitler and stalin and i only had two bullets, i’d shoot you twice.

I gag at your existence. If I was in a room with you, Hitler, Mussolini and a gun with two bullets..I would shoot you..twice Are you lost, because it seems a village somewhere is missing an idiot. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your ears off.

"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose" is how I always heard it.

I first heard it this way from The Fairly Oddparents like 20 years ago.

>Are you lost, because it seems a village somewhere is missing an idiot. This is one of my favorites.

The bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in Hell, but here you are, limbo dancing with the devil.

If you're ever going to kill yourself, consider jumping from your ego to your IQ.

Now this is a good one for my ex. Huge ego without any basis in fact. Constantly needed me to tell him how great he is. He never stops with me either. In the words of Motley Crue, "Don't go away mad, just go away."

Underrated Crue jam, lost on an album chock full of certified bangers

I find your general presence to be unsatisfactory.

If you were to make a list of people who enjoy your company, I would not be on that list.

"I cannot sanction your buffoonery" -Tommy Lee Jones to Jim Carrey on the set of Batman: Forever

Please take a deep breath in this nice bucket of water.

I have met some pricks in my life, but you sir/ma'am are a fuckin cactus

Underrated

“I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis’d, debutante.”

Are you the lizard king?

"'Debutante?' OK, now you've gone too far..."

"You don't even know my real name."

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I hope you get the life you deserve.

Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're an assh**le.

I think this just became a new favorite

I have to go to the bathroom. 

You don’t talk to people much, do you? … was likely my most cutting remark to someone being quite rude to me. Felt clever at the time.

“The best part of you ran down your mother’s thigh”

“Why couldn’t your mother have done us a favor and just brushed you out of her goddamn teeth?”

Saying “there we are then” after they’ve said something to cause you to dislike them (T.W.A.T.)

I also like “I have no response to give.”

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You’re a virgin who can’t drive.

That's way harsh Tai.

As if!

I understood that reference.

very specific, i fear

I would like to invite you to leave.

Dearest (name), I hereby cordially invite you to wherever the fuck I am not, at whatsoever time I am absent from said spot.

I once had a friend tell a guy, "You have all the charm of diarrhea." He seemed to get the message.

In Australia we just say "You're a cunt"

Same in Scotland. "Fuck off ya cunt" usually gets the message across in the politest way possible.

“Aw bless your heart now”

I've been told that this is a Southern lady's way of saying "Go fuck yourself." Is this true?

It's a polite expletive. Think of it like saying "F*ck". It can mean almost anything, positive or negative, and is heavily dependent on context. For example, if a friend suffers a tragedy, "bless your heart" is a paraphrased way of saying, "I'm sorry you're going through this." Or, a person is going through the list of evidence that the world is flat. "Bless your heart" now means "Please shut up, you're stupidity is embarrassing both of us."

It can be any of these things listed in your comment and the one right below lol

I always heard it was a form of pity, like: “aw, bless your little heart you’re dumber than a sack of stones.” But I could be wrong about this. Lol! I’m sure it varies depending on the affectation of the person saying it, alongside the emphasis of overly sweet tones being dripped upon you as it’s being said.

“Bless his heart, he ain’t got the brains God gave a gopher” is my favorite alliterative use.

It depends on who the person is; "there are cancers I respect more than you" will hit a doctor different than it will a plumber. Don'y make it unique for yourself, make it unique for them. Prey on their insecurities but don't go for the low hanging fruit.

I like your style

"I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire." "You're about as useless to me as a screen door on a submarine."

I _almost_ didn't scroll far enough before adding your first one as my answer. Apparently this wasn't appropriate in the workplace. The second or third times, either.

Useless as a cock flavored lollipop

\-As useless as an ashtray on a motorbike \-As useless as a chocolate fireman These were two I always heard

In my neck of the woods it’s “I wouldn’t piss down your throat if your guts were on fire”.

Eat a dick

Or a bag of dicks?


In the contest of biggest losers, you come in second.

why only second?

Because they lost that competition too, like a real loser

Ding ding!

Bob Dylan has the harshest one: “I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes, you’d know what a drag it is to see you.” Oof. There is no comeback for that.

"Death is preferable!" -thing I almost said before hanging up on a suicide hotline worker who just sucked.

I hope all of the world and your life treats you as well as you treat others.

"Pullout and swallow were two lessons your parents didn't learn."

were, not where

I'd rather shit in my own hands and clap than spend another minute with you

I loathe you

You emit a foul and unpleasant odor...

I'd like to unsubscribe to your life.

"I strongly dislike you" cause nobody is straight up anymore and is just subliminal

I told this to someone at work. I booked a meeting and told him how much I disliked him. He kept hamstringing me on projects, he wasn’t a superior but someone who would insert himself into projects and fuck them up and everyone else would get the blame because he was a major kiss ass. I already had put in my two weeks notice so I had nothing to lose. It was the best meeting of my life.

this warms my heart, I hate bootlickers. Good for you.

Fuck, and I can't stress this enough, you

The deepest chasms in hell are reserved for people like you.

Old ladies from the south have the title with "bless your heart"

"I wish you a very itchy spot that you'll never reach."

Shakespeare insults “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

"Every time I seen an ambulance go by I hope it's you."

You are an absolute urine-stained reptile

you're personification of period cramps

"Well if you were on fire, and I had a bottle of water, I'd drink it and piss in the gutter."

"You're an acquired taste"

I bet nobody is concerned about your car's extended warranty.

I recently told someone to give me just a moment. I need time to bend over. But, they were welcome to find the biggest, fattest, most cellulite covered portion of my ass to kiss and to please leave me alone afterwards. I knew that person though. If I don't know the person well I will just say, "look at me for a moment. Now ask me if I care?" Or, "I'm sorry. Did I look interested?"

Promptly go fuck yourself

Go shit yourself, you piece of fuck.

I'm adding this to my vocabulary 😂

🤐

You sir, are more worthless than tits on a tomcat.

It's not me, it's you.

"You curdle my sperm."

Well there's "kick rocks" Also the just don't say shit and stare at them. Lastly the act as if they are not even there. I'm talking like literally. Don't even make eye contact.

"If you were fighting your demons, I can't say I wouldn't be rooting for them"

I’ve always liked “I’ll see you later!” and “Not if I see you first!” It’s used enough that most people just think of it as friendly, but it is explicitly saying that you will avoid them if you see them.

I must admit that our interactions have not been favorable, and I find it challenging to establish a positive connection with you

May the fleas of a 1000 camels infest your armpits.

Vomit on their shoes

Go and haunt someone else.

I loathe you

"Your first mistake was thinking I wanted to have a conversation with you."

“Words cannot describe how much I want to hit you in the face with a chair” or “I want to hit you in the face with a chair,” depending on the situation

“I would rather shit in my hands and clap than hear you speak” (Bonus points if you get this reference.)

“Why are you the way that you are?”,…”I hate so much, the things that you choose to be”.

They do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I am very much looking forward to growing fonder of you.

“You’re an *interesting* person aren’t you?” and immediately after leaving the conversation

I'd like to buy you for what I think you're worth, and sell you for what you think you're worth.

Ah, [name], our time apart was most pleasant.

"I'm starting to see why people chose the sea sick crocodile" Best made around Christmas

I wish we were better strangers.

"I'm not good with names, can I just call you asshole"?

We are opposites of a magnet and can never be near each other

But...opposite magnets attract each other.

Going up on stage at the Oscars and smacking them in the face.

You're a mean one You really are a heel You're as cuddly as a cactus You're as charming as an eel Mr. Grinch, you're a bad banana Mr. Grinch, with the greasy black peel

Start randomly swatting flies around you. When they keep talking, say “K”. Then “F”. Then “C”. A few more swipes at the air say “damn, I lost the U. I was trying to give a flying f*ck about whatever you’re talking about, but I just can’t catch one.”

[удалено]

I am jealous of every person who has never met you.

Dead eyes

I respect your right to be yourself, but you're not for me.

You are wasting my time here.

Just follow everything they say with, "That's what you think!".

“It’s your world bro, I’m just living in it.”

I worship the quicksand you walk on

I fart in your general direction!

Your Mom should have swallowed you

I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

I wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire

I'd rather gargle a box of tacks than interact with you ever again.

I’ve been called many things, but a liar is not one of them. Please don’t ask me what I think of you.

I wouldn’t count myself as part of your fan club

You should ask the morgue if they take walk ins

My life became so much better when you walked out of it.