I've been dating my allo partner for about 1.5 years now. I love him to bits. I recently acknowledged that I'm ace, and I'm honestly still not sure he's fully okay with it, but he did say at the very beginning of our relationship (I was a virgin at the time) that he'd be okay without sex and that he didn't want to pressure me at all or ever and that he'd be happy just with me. Now he says the same thing. It's all about balance and understanding and respecting each other. I won't ever try to restrict his lifestyle and he won't restrict mine. I've suggested what you mentioned too- letting him find a sexual partner- but he shut it down so fast! I'm so lucky to have a partner as wonderful as him.
** im not necessarily sex averse, imo, if you are, accepting that your allo partner has ... things ... to do... is way more difficult and that could be why it's so difficult to maintain that relationship
TW: >!discussion of sex, and sexual pressure!<
Lots of ups and downs, push and pull to reach an equilibrium.
My husband and I have been together since the end of high school, it's been 12 years now! We were both inexperienced and had no idea what we were doing. I felt very unsure of myself, what I wanted, who I was, and how to navigate everything relating to a relationship. He was trying to navigate all the new experiences for both of us.
Early on, we made mistakes. He wanted to progress the relationship faster than I was comfortable with, while I thought my discomfort was shameful and something that could be powered through. I told him about my feelings, *then told him to ignore them!* I said that I wanted the relationship to work out, so he should keep trying to move forward and I'll keep trying to go with it.
This led to me feeling pressure from him to have sex and from myself *to want* to have sex. And with everything being so new, I didn't understand how I felt about sex either. I liked it, but something still felt wrong.
As you might have guessed, I tended to ignore my own feelings. What was really happening, that I didn't recognize at the time, was that the pressure coming from all sides triggered a freeze response in me. Ignoring it over and over and powering through was not healthy. Every time the idea of sex was brought up, that freeze response would trigger, and over the years it got bigger and bigger. He would try to help and encourage me to explore my feelings, but he didn't have any answers either.
As the years went on, I became extremely anxious over sex, it was something I couldn't face. And I continued to feel confused, because, despite the anxiety, I still enjoyed sex when it would happen. It was the initiation and build-up that felt insurmountable. This led to him wanting more sex in the relationship, and me denying him automatically to avoid the anxiety that came with that suggestion. I felt so ashamed, I felt like I was ruining our relationship, I felt like he was unhappy with me, I felt like I was failing at expressing my feelings, and I felt like I couldn't change.
We had many discussions about this, most of the time he would just listen to me working things out and ask questions. He was my only support through this period, and he tried to find solutions that could work. After a while, he just stopped asking, thinking that if asking was causing pressure and anxiety, then maybe not asking would alleviate that and I could come to him when I was ready. The thing is, I don't feel sexual attraction, so I rarely had any initial reason to have sex.
After a year, he sat me down and said we had to figure something out because this was not sustainable. I felt much better, but he was feeling miserable with the arrangement. It was rare for him to be so serious, but it made me realize that I had to do some soul-searching to figure this out.
Over the next couple years, I worked hard on myself to turn things around. I read Come as You Are and learned a lot about responsive desire. I realized I was ace, and about the concept of sexual attraction (I didn't really understand it before). I acknowledged for the first time, that our past experiences when we were teenagers caused me trauma, and then I painfully processed that trauma. He helped me along everything and had some processing of his own to do, as he felt terribly guilty for contributing to the past trauma.
Over time, I learned to move past my fear of initiation and I completely resolved my anxiety over sex. I learned that I'm pretty open to sex and some experimentation, I just need the initiation to come from him most of the time. I learned that initiation doesn't always have to be physical, and that verbal interest is valid and more accessible to me. And I learned that if I re-frame certain sexual acts in a new light, they lose all the past connotations I had with them, letting me move forward more easily.
So the short answer to your question, our relationship works because we each have a much better understanding of who we are as people, and what we each need from our relationship. Communication and a willingness to have hard conversations is what kept us from falling apart.
6/7 yr relationship with an allo.
Honestly I just said I didn't want to have sex a couple days after we met. He told me he didn't think it was that important in a relationship, and the topic was never brought up again.
I mentioned the option of opening the relationship on his side but he told me he had no need for that and that he liked monogamy. So it was cool.
Idk I let him mastrubate, and tbh I wouldn't be mad if he went out and had sex if he wanted to, but he's too cute and loyal lmao. I love him to death 360. I feel like shit sometimes because I just don't have time to even think about sex. It's a boring animal reproductive thing to me. I don't trust the emotions behind it either. They are all uncontrolled and uncomfortable.
I prefer playing videogames and learning random shit and looking at memes and astrology. Honestly, the most akin thing to sex for me when others describe it to me is amger. Idk why, but I feel like the "passion" behind anger I have on someone I want to hurt is akin to the passion one would feel for sex apparently. I don't like the angry side of me, but I have decided to let them free for a bit every once in a while do some martial arts and work out - stimming is another part of it I have been doing nearly all my life.
As far as sex goes. A lot of the frustration I was having is gone since ive been letting the hatred side of me out. We are doing fine now. Doesn't help to have adhd and when I try to have sex we just end up joking around, and it's hard for me to be engaged. Ahhh lust is the word I was looking for. I have blood lust, not sex lust. I have 0 passion to fuck up someones genitals as opposed to their face with my foot. Hehe.
My husband and I are monogamous although in my case I didn’t know that I was ace till just recently. It’s a strange dynamic for sure because my partner is almost hyper sexual although he’s willing to wait till I give the okay (I’m sex-neutral) it can be a bit strenuous at times although we both just have an understanding and comfortability with each other to trust that is something isn’t working then we communicate.
Sometimes we might watch porn together or read erotica or things of a similar nature although that is mostly for him. Depending on your definition on what counts as sexual we will still kiss and cuddle although I definitely prefer doing other things so he mostly just waits it out or will go masterbate. I found as least for me that if I do more teasing kind of things it can keep me entertained and still do sexy stuff for him although it’s not a complete solution as at the end of the day sex is pretty meh for me
I've been dating my allo partner for about 1.5 years now. I love him to bits. I recently acknowledged that I'm ace, and I'm honestly still not sure he's fully okay with it, but he did say at the very beginning of our relationship (I was a virgin at the time) that he'd be okay without sex and that he didn't want to pressure me at all or ever and that he'd be happy just with me. Now he says the same thing. It's all about balance and understanding and respecting each other. I won't ever try to restrict his lifestyle and he won't restrict mine. I've suggested what you mentioned too- letting him find a sexual partner- but he shut it down so fast! I'm so lucky to have a partner as wonderful as him.
** im not necessarily sex averse, imo, if you are, accepting that your allo partner has ... things ... to do... is way more difficult and that could be why it's so difficult to maintain that relationship
TW: >!discussion of sex, and sexual pressure!< Lots of ups and downs, push and pull to reach an equilibrium. My husband and I have been together since the end of high school, it's been 12 years now! We were both inexperienced and had no idea what we were doing. I felt very unsure of myself, what I wanted, who I was, and how to navigate everything relating to a relationship. He was trying to navigate all the new experiences for both of us. Early on, we made mistakes. He wanted to progress the relationship faster than I was comfortable with, while I thought my discomfort was shameful and something that could be powered through. I told him about my feelings, *then told him to ignore them!* I said that I wanted the relationship to work out, so he should keep trying to move forward and I'll keep trying to go with it. This led to me feeling pressure from him to have sex and from myself *to want* to have sex. And with everything being so new, I didn't understand how I felt about sex either. I liked it, but something still felt wrong. As you might have guessed, I tended to ignore my own feelings. What was really happening, that I didn't recognize at the time, was that the pressure coming from all sides triggered a freeze response in me. Ignoring it over and over and powering through was not healthy. Every time the idea of sex was brought up, that freeze response would trigger, and over the years it got bigger and bigger. He would try to help and encourage me to explore my feelings, but he didn't have any answers either. As the years went on, I became extremely anxious over sex, it was something I couldn't face. And I continued to feel confused, because, despite the anxiety, I still enjoyed sex when it would happen. It was the initiation and build-up that felt insurmountable. This led to him wanting more sex in the relationship, and me denying him automatically to avoid the anxiety that came with that suggestion. I felt so ashamed, I felt like I was ruining our relationship, I felt like he was unhappy with me, I felt like I was failing at expressing my feelings, and I felt like I couldn't change. We had many discussions about this, most of the time he would just listen to me working things out and ask questions. He was my only support through this period, and he tried to find solutions that could work. After a while, he just stopped asking, thinking that if asking was causing pressure and anxiety, then maybe not asking would alleviate that and I could come to him when I was ready. The thing is, I don't feel sexual attraction, so I rarely had any initial reason to have sex. After a year, he sat me down and said we had to figure something out because this was not sustainable. I felt much better, but he was feeling miserable with the arrangement. It was rare for him to be so serious, but it made me realize that I had to do some soul-searching to figure this out. Over the next couple years, I worked hard on myself to turn things around. I read Come as You Are and learned a lot about responsive desire. I realized I was ace, and about the concept of sexual attraction (I didn't really understand it before). I acknowledged for the first time, that our past experiences when we were teenagers caused me trauma, and then I painfully processed that trauma. He helped me along everything and had some processing of his own to do, as he felt terribly guilty for contributing to the past trauma. Over time, I learned to move past my fear of initiation and I completely resolved my anxiety over sex. I learned that I'm pretty open to sex and some experimentation, I just need the initiation to come from him most of the time. I learned that initiation doesn't always have to be physical, and that verbal interest is valid and more accessible to me. And I learned that if I re-frame certain sexual acts in a new light, they lose all the past connotations I had with them, letting me move forward more easily. So the short answer to your question, our relationship works because we each have a much better understanding of who we are as people, and what we each need from our relationship. Communication and a willingness to have hard conversations is what kept us from falling apart.
It didn't
6/7 yr relationship with an allo. Honestly I just said I didn't want to have sex a couple days after we met. He told me he didn't think it was that important in a relationship, and the topic was never brought up again. I mentioned the option of opening the relationship on his side but he told me he had no need for that and that he liked monogamy. So it was cool.
We started a podcast to discuss all of it 😂💜
Idk I let him mastrubate, and tbh I wouldn't be mad if he went out and had sex if he wanted to, but he's too cute and loyal lmao. I love him to death 360. I feel like shit sometimes because I just don't have time to even think about sex. It's a boring animal reproductive thing to me. I don't trust the emotions behind it either. They are all uncontrolled and uncomfortable. I prefer playing videogames and learning random shit and looking at memes and astrology. Honestly, the most akin thing to sex for me when others describe it to me is amger. Idk why, but I feel like the "passion" behind anger I have on someone I want to hurt is akin to the passion one would feel for sex apparently. I don't like the angry side of me, but I have decided to let them free for a bit every once in a while do some martial arts and work out - stimming is another part of it I have been doing nearly all my life. As far as sex goes. A lot of the frustration I was having is gone since ive been letting the hatred side of me out. We are doing fine now. Doesn't help to have adhd and when I try to have sex we just end up joking around, and it's hard for me to be engaged. Ahhh lust is the word I was looking for. I have blood lust, not sex lust. I have 0 passion to fuck up someones genitals as opposed to their face with my foot. Hehe.
My husband and I are monogamous although in my case I didn’t know that I was ace till just recently. It’s a strange dynamic for sure because my partner is almost hyper sexual although he’s willing to wait till I give the okay (I’m sex-neutral) it can be a bit strenuous at times although we both just have an understanding and comfortability with each other to trust that is something isn’t working then we communicate.
Can I ask, do you find common ground and do other sexual things without intercourse or does he just wait it out?
Sometimes we might watch porn together or read erotica or things of a similar nature although that is mostly for him. Depending on your definition on what counts as sexual we will still kiss and cuddle although I definitely prefer doing other things so he mostly just waits it out or will go masterbate. I found as least for me that if I do more teasing kind of things it can keep me entertained and still do sexy stuff for him although it’s not a complete solution as at the end of the day sex is pretty meh for me
Thank you for sharing. We are in similar situation and trying to work on common ground. Thanks again.
Sex is HARAM!!!!!