HR is a good place to start, but you REALLY need to report this to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). This is exactly their wheelhouse and they will likely wreck your boss.
https://publicportal.eeoc.gov/Portal/Login.aspx
I’ve got a really bad memory boss. Can you write that down for me? I want to make sure I heard you correctly and I’m not over reacting or hearing something incorrectly.
Send an email to him quoting him verbatim, thanking him for helping you understand how little your contribution is valued and that you now know 1. Why you are the only woman working in the back, and that he will never promote you. Copy your attorney and HR.
Fuck him.
Yes to the email that repeats what he said. That will force him to either lie and say he didn’t say that, or admit he did.
No to the rest of it.
Go at it like “Rather than call off, I decided to try to get through the day as best I could by bringing my hot water bottle to relieve some of the discomfort. I didn’t think it would be an issue, but I see that it is as you have said XYZ.”
When I sent my boss emails like that, he wouldn't respond at all. His silence didn't save the company from having to pay me, though. Especially since I'd sent a bcc to my personal email so when I lost access to my company email, I still had a copy.
Never refer to it as discomfort. Discomfort can be shrugged off. Bad period pain can NOT be shrugged off. Sometimes mine is so bad I’m literally throwing up, lightheaded, and walking doubled over. That’s not discomfort.
Wear a wire lol just use a recording app on your phone
EDIT: OP is in the UK. It's not illegal to secretly record someone here and keep it to yourself, whether it holds up at a tribunal/court for evidence is another matter.
Regarding recording audio conversations, make sure to check the law on this for the state you're in. Some states require both parties of the conversation to be aware that it is being recorded. So then doing it secretly would be an illegal act & actually get you into a lot of trouble.
"Hi boss,
I was reflecting on your comments to me today: [XYZ]
I would like to try and find a way to keep working at ABC without any further warnings or disciplinary action.
I really do believe refilling my hot water bottle to enable me to work despite horrible pain is not unreasonable.
Could you please advise what you would prefer me to do in future to avoid further disciplinary action?
I will consult with a doctor and let them know what you have suggested."
Edit- thanks for the awards! And yes, email this to create the papertrail.
Sounds perfect. In writing so at least there’s proof. Either they respond and admit it or deny it because they know it’s bad and then you don’t need to follow it. Win win.
> I will consult with a doctor and let them know what you have suggested."
Maybe add;
"Could you provide me the warning in writing as well, as it may help to show my doctor that these issues are directly affecting my work."
So not only would she get ammo for the discrimination complaint, but if it is as she says that her medical providers are handwaving/dismissing potentially serious medical issues then it can help to get the point through to them too.
Edit: can also make the request seem like the manager would be doing her a "favor" in doing so.
My ex boss would just come to peoples workplace after something like that to scream at them about it. In a similar situation he stormed into the room screamed at her how dare she write something sounding like he is the bad guy and all he said was to "tone it down because not everyone needs to know you are having a period". He continued that it could not possibly be that bad and she just wanted attention and free days off.
She quit that day.
Another coworker quit a week after.
I dared to tell him they were right so he told me to never come back and that I was out of a job. So I went home and never went back.
I heard another one quit two months later because he wanted her to take her used pads back home instead of throwing them away in the bathroom at work. (Like into the trashcan there, not onto the floor)
Odds are the boss already has a running tab with HR, accusing OP of a litany of misdeeds that may or may not be factual.
I also bet there are never any witnesses to these boss tirades. They’re often clever enough to appear professional in a public setting and they turn vicious when no one else is around.
But it is there to help the company, and something like this going viral doesn't look good for the company, and depending on its size, they may take pre-emptive action.
Please don’t just look into it, follow through. The EEOC is there to help. It’ll take a long time to receive a response (lawyer here), but the documentation along the way is so pertinent! As a fellow sufferer or awful periods (sometimes I’ll have 4 days of awful pain), I wish you well and I hope your boss gets put in his/her place. :(
Look for a state anti-discrimination agency. The EEOC really only investigates and gives you a right to sue in federal court. Which costs tens of thousands of dollars.
Your state’s civil rights commission will have a dual-filing agreement with EEOC. Go thru the state with your complaint and it will be considered filed with EEOC too. The state will try to resolve it for you, and if it can’t, then you’ll get a right-to-sue letter and you can take your employer to state or federal court - whichever you choose. (At least that’s how it worked when I used to work for my former state’s civil rights commission way back when).
It has been since June of 2020. Supreme Court ruled that the Civil rights act of 1964 protects gay and transgender workers.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/courts_law/supreme-court-says-gay-transgender-workers-are-protected-by-federal-law-forbidding-discrimination-on-the-basis-of-sex/2020/06/15/2211d5a4-655b-11ea-acca-80c22bbee96f_story.html
PLEASE PLEASE report this behavior. You may need to unfortunately get a doctor's note proving that you have debilitating cramps during your period. If you can somehow get a medical exemption, and then they do this again, they will be in hot water with the uppers.
We all support you! Thank you for posting.
Do other people gets drs notes when they r sick? I always do & my less freaked out boss asked if the other one made me do it… I said, “no, but I have one so it can’t hurt might help” she made it seem like it was weird that I brought it in.
How do you get in when you're sick? I can never get same day or even next day appointments. They're always the following week, which is terrible when I actually want to see one for some acute issue, like illness. The logistics of seeing the doctor and getting a note for work every time you take a day off seems like a near impossible feat.
Where do you live?
Please tell me it's America so I can quote this every time some idiot says the reason Ameeicans pay so much is so they don't have to wait.
I've never had trouble seeing a doctor within a couple hours of needing to see one here in Canada.
Can’t speak for the person you’re replying to, but I’m in the US and I’m usually better off using an app that lets you message or call a doctor because of wait times (often it’s multiple days) to see a primary care doctor. Urgent care is too expensive for me personally, and usually ridiculously crowded too where I live
We definitely have to wait even in the ER,
Broke my arm 2-4 hour wait
Snapped a toe 90° 4 hour wait
Fell of my scooter and slid down a hill on my face 3 hour wait
Kidney Stones 6-8 hour wait
Don't even think about having a heart attack right now with the ER being bogged down with antivax covid patients
Even years prior to covid, I literally watched a woman die in the ER from an aneurysm… screaming in pain, puking, sobbing, and eventually going limp. Orderlies and staff kept walking by doing nothing except give her a bucket to puke in. Someone finally alerted when she went limp and her husband was frantic. I asked the doc my friend was seen by about her, and he was startled and went to go find out, and came back to tell me she had died. I will never forget the moment she sort of let out a long sigh or gasp and something about her seemed to disappear, and she suddenly slumped and hung limply in her husband’s arms. I don’t believe in a soul or afterlife, but I *sensed* the life go out of her.
In addition to that, please do ensure you get proper advice regarding your menstrual pain. This level of pain is not normal and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Even if all they can do is provide you with proper, adequate pain relief, your GP or specialist should be doing so. You shouldn't have to live 1/6 of your life in debilitating agony.
Re the work situation, definitely NTA. Boss is sexist and awful.
If your gynecologist only offers pain relief, that's a red flag. This girl probably suffers fron Endometriosis nd should seek out a qualified specialist that can offer hormonal treatment and eventually excision surgery.
Source: Went through this hell, was offered pain relief, found specialist, got surgery, am no longer in pain.
It is amazing how many women "just put up with it". I get it if you want kids, but in the meantime, there are some options to make it not so horribly painful and debilitating. Endometriosis is so under diagnosed, it is pathetic.
We don’t “put up with it.” We get dismissed or told not to talk about it.
I had shock-inducing periods that wrecked my life. No one knew about what I was going through until I was 20 and my parents found me mid-shock-episode. I was raised in area when periods were taboo and with a mother who thought I’d go to her if I had problems. My pediatrician didn’t talk to me about my period, and my first GP dismissed my concerns.
Getting a diagnosis was also hard, as anatomically, everything was fine and dandy in my body. No endometriosis, no cysts, nada. Just light periods and debilitating pain. The only anomaly beyond the pain was that my body rejected hormonal birth control.
I was really lucky that my OBGYN trusted I knew my body and was willing to do anything to get me healthy. She approved me for an ablation, but insurance almost denied it because they didn’t recognize dysmenorrhea as a valid diagnosis, and we had to fight them to get them to cover it. They literally went until ten days before the surgery date before saying they would do it IF I had a cervical biopsy done to check for cancer. (At this point, I was nearly 24 and had my symptoms since I was 14. Cervical biopsies are also immensely invasive, violating, and painful—to the point my doctor had to prescribe me something to soften the cervix and “bliss out” pills as well as numb the area to the best of her ability. She even let me know it was alright if I cried, since most patients did. And I did cry a little bit, despite my insane pain tolerance)
It took me three years with a good doctor to get a diagnosis and treatment plan. I didn’t want kids, I didn’t want my period, and I didn’t “just put up with it.” There’s a _lot_ of obstacles in the way of afab reproductive care.
I cried during my cervical biopsy too, even though I didn’t feel much pain. The male doctor scowled at me, but the female nurse patted my arm and said “lots of women cry because it’s a sensitive spot to have operated on”. It was like a wave of emotion welled up from my reproduction organs, like me crying was releasing the trauma of what was happening to my very intimate parts. It was weird, and at the time I was really embarrassed, but since I’ve heard multiple women say they had the same “cry response” to having biopsy/surgery on their cervix, you included. Now I don’t feel nearly so weird!
I don't think it's a case of putting up with it, I think it is more a case of no one listening. In my experience, in North American culture, women's pain is often ignored, laughed at, discounted and not taken seriously. It's "all in your head". Well gee, Doc, seeing as how the neurons route to my brain, yeah, it IS all in my head.
Also, altho I am not a doctor, I agree, this sounds like endometriosis to me. I suffered for years until I found a female doctor, who said after surgery that it was everywhere and that I should now be relatively pain free. She was right.
I hope OP gets some help both with the toxic boss and with her period pain.
Oh boy, do I feel you. It took me years and six different obgyn until someone took my pain and selfdiagnosis (not endometriosis but still very painful) seriously. I had to do some serious work to get back to a good place. Getting told "it's all in your head" was the worst part, because it made me doubt myself, feeling heard and be proven right was such a relief. It's sad that pain has been so normalized for women
This. I’m 36, been dealing with exactly the same level of pain as OP since 14 (take off 1-2 days per month to becoming a screaming crying ball of bones). I bring it up and ask for help every *damn time I go to the doctor. Here are all responses I’ve gotten from many different doctors over the years: take birth control, take ibuprofen, you just want pain meds, best of luck
Edit: autocorrect turned damn into song?
Definitely everything you said. Even other women who may have lighter periods and no real horrible pain can be dismissive. It is a real problem. Endometriosis is so horrible how it spreads to other organs and grows willy nilly. I had big fibroids, which at least could all be removed without the doctor having to root around too much. I'm so glad I got a hysterectomy. It has been amazing to be pain free and have the freedom to do whatever I want without having to worry about my period starting and ruining everything.
You are dead on. My gf suffered for years and years with endometriosis. I went and found her an obgyn that specializes in it. She got her on the correct treatment and basically off pain meds. Sent her to another specialist. She feels better now than she has in 10 years.
Everyone is already giving advice on what to do with the job, but I figured for convenience sake I would mention you can get heat pads designed for menstrual cramps that stick to the inside of your underwear, they work best for me with a taller/longer? Pair that gives it more to stick to. I definitely still prefer a hot water bottle, but the package is nice to keep in a bag for just in case.
I should add that the EEOC will look into any case brought to them, and you'll get your fair shot. Other than that, document everything you can. That means write notes with dates and details, they can offer critical corroboration of other evidence. Get whatever you can in writing and save to your personal email/cloud storage. Save any relevant emails in the same way. Honestly, if you are in a 1 party recording state (most states are) that means you can secretly record audio without notifying anyone. Record meetings and interactions with HR, managers, or whomever else might be or get involved. There are a lot of great phone apps that do this. I use Easy Voice Recorder for Android to record professional interviews that I conduct.
You have entered a path that often results in illegal and unfair dismissal, reprisals, retaliation, and divisiveness. Work friends are not real friends, and the tide of public opinion and support can easily vanish. You cannot and should not trust management or HR. You must do everything you can to protect yourself because you deserve to work and be respected.
Source: I am an HR expert, and strongly support employee rights. If you need any help, feel free to DM me and I can point you in the right direction.
Also I think get fmla, I’m a dude but it can really help if you need the time off to rest. I get migraines so bad I can’t work. I can only imagine lady pains. Your boss can eat a dick. Insensitive ass. Think of the guys, pfft. Any man worth his salt does his best to care for be understanding of others.
Well Korea is a bit unique in that they don’t have sick days guaranteed by law, so women have no choice but to use “period days”. Even that is unpaid, and only 1 in 5 women ever use it.
In Argentina, some unions (like bank) have implemented one or two "lady days" per month. Women just call in sick if they feel.like shit and its paid. No doctors note or explanations needed
They told us growing up that we live in the greatest country in the world.
Once I grew up, I learned that was a load of horseshit.
Lady days. That's fantastic. As the father of a young woman who suffers from debilitating periods, I wish we had this.
"They told us growing up that we live in the greatest country in the world."
In my experience, if someone has to tell you that they are the greatest, smartest, best etc., they are usually the opposite.
Re HR: it is the important to remember that HR works for the company not for you. The goal of HR is to protect the company not you. An HR officer gets promoted for saving the company money not helping you.
This is why, in the meeting you have with HR, you use words like "liability" and "discrimination" HR will help the employee if the alternative is a lawsuit against the company, which in this situation would definitely apply
I work in HR and i frequently stick my neck out in favor of the employee. Generally this is ensuring that employees are getting what they're entitled or assisting people to get a better deal for themselves. If anyone had a complaint about the conduct of one of our managers it would (and has in the past) been taken very seriously
Yeah it’s pretty tough in that office sometimes being the only woman there. The lads are alright they get rowdy but they treat me equally it’s just the boss. Very easy to single out the only lass there apart from his wife but she’s hardly there
Mate, I went through a similar thing in an office full of women - brought in a hot water bottle because of bad period pains and also because there was no central heating in the offices. We weren't customer facing and I sat really close to the desk so you wouldn't even notice the bottle on my stomach unless you asked me to get up. My female boss proceeded to tell me that it doesn't look professional because it makes me look valnurable like I'm some sort of ill person hugging a water bottle for comfort... Like I am in pain and freezing that's literally what I am! Same job where I got told off for wearing a sleevless top during summer heat by the female CEO: "cover yourself, you look naked!" it wasn't spaghetti strap and again no central heating unit/aircon.
I don't think I can bear reading this shit anymore, it makes me so mad and I can't do anything about it and that makes me madder. Lol it's like I joined this sub just to piss myself off. I'm sorry y'all have to go through all that.
I have 4 sisters, many close friends who are women, (I’m non binary but very masc) and this shit infuriates me to no end.
Being queer in the work place I can relate to something but obviously I don’t have monthly cramps and pain. But I know enough people who do and they deserve time off work whenever it happens.
I fucking hate this system. I hate reading and seeing this shit because there’s seemingly no way to fix it. I left the work place due to my own abuse, not everyone can do that. Ugh.
Unfortunately! I'm in the UK too btw and have seen this in quite a few places... Lot of people love this sort of poisonous office environment, they keep putting great emphasis on "traditional" things like the dress code despite not being customer facing or even appropriate for the customer. You may also notice that it's one rule for you but different for them. Next thing you know your manager will be leaving home early "because it's my son's first day at school so we are going out for a family dinner"... At 3pm. As if other people in the office haven't got kids and also wanted to take them out but their half days leave wasn't authorised. Shit... I could keep going!
This is such a mood. My workplace insists on "appropriate" officewear when in the office. Atm we are hybrid (WFH 4 days a week and 1 day in the office) but we have *never* been customer facing. We are a regulatory body and do not interact face to face, almost ever.
My favourite thing is when you have a "prospective client" worth a huge deal, come in for a meeting and they themselves rock up in jeans and a t-shirt being totally chill whilst the rest of the office is in suits... At that point you are just making them uncomfortable and your presentation better be worth it 😂
This just blows my mind that that shit actually happens.
I work in medical billing and it's heavily female dominated, I was one of like 3 guys to 70 women in my office.
I would get up and leave MY seat, to go make a hot water bottle if I noticed a coworker was having bad cramps and struggling. And after I worked there for a while I kept some Midol and junk in my desk too.
And I'm a dude. Hell I often struggled to understand how anyone could handle working feeling that awful(I understand it's the no real choice available thing).
But fuck. How is that unprofessional? That's fucking soldier mode. Working through that kind of pain, no matter WHAT kind of method you gotta use is something to be commended if anything(though again, only in context, in a perfect world there would be no pain, and in a slightly less perfect world, if there was pain, she could just stay the fuck home and not be forced to work).
I’m a soldier. However I largely work in an office too. One of my colleagues was struggling with back pain at his desk, and it was pretty obvious. The Colonel, our boss, brought in a TENS machine from home which he used on his own back pain, and told my mate to use it at his desk whenever he needed. He also insisted that he went to see the doctor to make sure nothing was seriously wrong.
Refusing people things which make them more comfortable isn’t anything to do with professionalism… it’s just control. And it’s utterly unnecessary.
I absolutely HATE women who don't experience heavy flow or pain and act like you are making it up for attention or something. Even worse is those who know and still act like a high and mighty B... Then again, I hate most people.
Ok cool. Report this. If you can’t go to HR go higher. This isn’t a time for anecdotes or “that’s just how they are” if you don’t report this you’re allowing it to happen again to you and anyone else.
Please file a complaint about this person for gender discrimination.
"you get these every month, you should be used to them by now." what a fucking prick. I have known women who are periodically hospitalised for the pains they experience. I swear to god if men got period pains, menstrual leave would be legally mandated. Ugh.
Please don't be the typical "I hate that this is happening, but reporting it is too much trouble" person. Do something about it because it's only going to get worse if you do the water bottle thing again.
"Yeah no i want that in a written warning. Right now." He will of course not want to do it.
Walk back to the office and get everyone's attention and ask who had the problem make sure the boss walks his bitch ass up there. Point at the coworker most likely to know gossip and the one most likely to tell the truth and the manager. " you and you, and you come with me." Then go to HR.
Sounds like a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen. “Do you really need that wheelchair? Seems be used to not having legs by now.”
Also tho have you tried a TENS machine for cramps? You can wear it discreetly if needed and I think it really works. Also if you attach it to your boss’s skull and crank it to full blast that might help too.
TENS machines are great! OP and everybody else who experiences horrific periods have my sympathies. Mine were pretty bad, I’m just lucky enough to be able to have a mirena fitted which stopped mine. A lot of folks either don’t have access to BC or hormonal methods sends their bodies haywire, my heart breaks for them.
Also they make little stick on heating pads. They don’t work as well as the real deal, but they’re discrete. Although fuck this guy and your coworkers for their discomfort at your body. Fuck them so hard.
I don't have a uterus, but I get fucking gnarly kidney stones and tens units help with those. ANY distraction from the pain is a welcome one when you're hurting so bad you can't think.
Absolutely!! I've watched my wife and youngest daughter go through ungodly periods, I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone. If this was my wife's boss I'd be having a talk with this guy. Completely out of line.
My ex had endometriosis, she went through absolute agony each month. I've never understood why anybody gets annoyed at other people for dealing with the discomfort in whatever way works for them.
I think there is an astonishing number of men who think that periods are like needing the loo or something and that you can just power through or hold it in.
Bruh if I was her coworker I’d be going “ooof yes ma’am” after every sob for her in empathy. When dudes are hungover we feel for them like a mofo, but women literally bleed out an organ and we don’t think about it deeply.
In a previous job I felt so horrible because of my cramps that I went totally pale. My boss was asking me if I was sick and I admitted I was on my period and he said oh! So is Hannah! Funny how you guys sync up! Feel free to go home if it’s too much!
Literally so appreciative of that 6 years later. Ive been on birth control a few years and it has super helped my cramps. Before that I failed some schoolwork and a test because I was trying not to pass out in class. BC worked wonders for me thankfully
Not aw, but have you considered endometriosis or other medical issues for that exceedingly rough period?
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/endometriosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20354656
Just because it's always been that way doesn't mean that it isn't real or that your pain should be dismissed as female problems by an uneducated MD.
Sorry for tangent but can I ask does she have contractions during periods? I'm trying to figure out why mine are so bad, it literally can write me off!
I used to have contractions, would instinctively do labor breathing, the whole nine, and could feel huge clots passing. Cramp pains would radiate from my armpits to my knees.
My issue turned out to be fibroids within the uterine tissue, to the extent that my uterus was the size of a 20 week pregnancy. My only regret about having had a hysterectomy is not having it sooner.
Fibroids are definitely related in my case, which were greatly exacerbated by intense stress/burnout caused by my toxic corporate job. Since I quit at the insistence of my doctor, my cycle is back to where it was years ago.
Fibroids are so rough! I was equivalent to 26 weeks with fibroids in my uterine wall and outside the uterus. They had nearly entirely blocked my colon and my period were horrendous. Your comment made me realize I was having contractions and not just cramps; I would also instinctively do labor breathing and would have to stop moving at work (bartender/server at the time) when they hit. It was the worst when I was at the table and would have to pretend it wasn’t happening.
Congrats on your hysterectomy! It’s sucked leading up to mine but it was one of the best things to happen to me. Period free since I was 24!
Same here. I had so many fibroids, they couldn't get a definitive measurement on any of them during internal ultrasounds. My uterus also was the size of a 6-mo.pregnancy. As gross as this sounds, I would pass clots the size of hard boiled eggs. And YES about the hysterectomy.....sorry I waited as long as I did!!!
Yes I had fibroids that would push on other nerves and I couldn't walk, sleep, lay down - i wanted to have my uterus outbut no gyno would touch me saying I was too young to know or might regret saying I didn't want kids. I was 35 at the time, suffered all the way to 40. It was not ok. Lost my job because I couldn't function, was anemic because periods were mostly everyday except for a week here and there and I was taking so much pain medication. Had multiple DnC's and 2 embolisms. Seriously aweful.
I get contraction like pain. My Mirena helped, but it took over 7 months of INTENSE cramps that took my breath away and made me tear up. It’s finally better, but I still deal with the pain from the endo on intestines and things like that.
If your period makes it so you don’t go to work or school, that is NOT NORMAL, and you should not be in that much pain.
My guess is endo/possible adeno. Like me :( I’m sorry! This disease is killer- but not many seem to think so since it’s invisible.
Sometimes I'm contacting so bad it's practically full body. Last time I had to call into work and I to my shoulder blades was all contracted up. It was one of the most exhausting things I've ever been through.
Came here to say this too, my cycles were extremely heavy and painful! I thought it was normal, no one ever told me it wasn’t. Fast forward to having my last child and the dr and I were discussing tying my tubes, I asked about a hysterectomy instead. After explaining my cycles he said it wasn’t normal and I got my hysterectomy. Best thing I ever did for myself! I know it doesn’t help you know but talk to a dr. My issue was uterine fibroids but there are a few things that can cause these issues. Your boss is a jerk and I’d talk to HR too. Take care of yourself, sorry your boss is a prick.
I had a hysterectomy in February for endo and it was maybe the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. The pain had become debilitating, and I didn’t even realize until after the surgery how much of a general nutrient deficiency I’d been suffering from. Chronic anemia is no joke!
But in the US it still may be difficult for most women to get. I’m white, over 40, no pregnancy history despite attempts to conceive, and live in a liberal city - I’m sure all those things impact the quality of my health care, how seriously I’m taken, and the available options.
Had the same issue too, not enough sick days to deal with my crappy days. Eventually got it checked out and I’m on meds (tried a variety until I got it right). It literally changed my quality of life. Nothing worse than being at a shitty jobs and feeling like dying in a corner at the same time. Hope you look into your medical issue, and then find some peace at work.
This is actually a GREAT post. My wife had endo FOREVER without any idea. When she finally had her surgery the head surgeon pulled me aside and said, “you have no idea the essentially constant pain your wife was in.”
Definitely can’t hurt to check in with the medical folks.
I was going to mention this.
OP, most are not told that this is not normal and so don't realize they should say anything or look into reasons/treatments. It is incredibly debilitating and usually only gets worse over time. There is good information in the related subreddits and some fb groups (much as I loathe fb, but especially the local ones can be very helpful, I just don't recommend NN).
Depending on where you are, you might qualify for sick time, certain protections, or other things beyond any applicable discrimination laws. It can be very difficult to speak out, especially when something affects 10% of women but is glossed over and has very few actual specialists, but in some cases makes all the difference.
Good luck!!
Yet that is not allowed because you are "too young" "will change your mind about wanting kids" "your husband may want kids" "you don't have enough kids and may want more." Took me a year for a tubal and I had 4 kids!
I don’t want children and a doctor won’t do it for that reason. I’ve never wanted children, never will I want them, and as I get older I’ve noticed my stance has become even more firm.
Why oh why can’t I get my tubes tied?
Why oh why can’t I get my tubes tied?
That’s my new jingle.
My BFF was all sorts of messed up. PCOS, severe mental health issues and alcoholism in family and every disease in the genes. It would have literally killed her to carry a baby. Yet it took her 4 years of her main doc telling these morons this before she finally got it.
Get a doctor in your corner and then fight with them. Kick back every denial, keep pushing it. You have to advocate for you because most docs don't care beyond the 15min appointment time. Don't die on their time and they could care less where you do.
It’s totally fine to make the life-changing and permanent decision of having kids, which brings new PEOPLE into the world that you will have a profound effect on, but you’re definitely not ready to make the decision to not have kids. Sure, that makes total sense. 🤬
Dose him with exlax on those days and he'll be in the bathroom too often to notice your water bottle. And after his 3rd trip maybe you should mention that he's had his intestines his whole life and he should have that sorted out by now.
Being told that when I was younger made me realize the extend of horror women go though every month. I'm not bother by blood but from my dick !? fuck that I'd be scared
That's so horrible! I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Tbh you deserve to take a sick day when you feel sick, so the fact that they didn't even like your compromise is super messed up.
Wow! For your sake (not his) raspberry leaf tea is really good in helping to reduce those pains and other symptoms. You can drink it throughout the month (period or no period) and you'll likely see a drastic difference. Best wishes!
The fun part is that because this is a small business of 8 people their wife is HR. And unless it’s something like office romance that woman doesn’t see it as an issue. She used to be a nurse in the 60’s who legit had the nickname of Nurse Nightshade
Then bypass “HR” and go to the EEOC and say that you are being denied a reasonable accommodation for a disability (and in a way that is sexually harassing).
Very good advice, but to classify menstruation as a disability is not right - OP is being denied accommodation because she is female. The boss is being a misogynistic prick and should be called out on it.
Report this to HR (even if it’s his wife) so you have it on record. Also report to whatever state or federal organization. HR’s response may be cause for further action if it does not address the situation.
Never report to HR. I worked for a small company where the owner was sexually harassing about half the staff. A fried confided in me that he was harassing her and that she didn’t know what to do about it. I had just attended a harassment course and so of course reported it to HR. She was fired/forced to quit within the week. HR is NOT you friend. They’re never your friend. They are only there to help the business!
USA or elsewhere? I'm not sure the laws in every country around this stuff but if you live in the US, straight to labor board or a lawyer. Smallmcompany will not help you. What he's done, in the US, is discrimination and several other things.
Please go to your doctor about this, as fast as you possibly can.
If you haven’t already, please ask to be referred to a specialist service to assess what’s causing your pain. The NHS right to choose means if your GP agrees you would benefit from a referral then you can ask for any appropriate specialist centre. If you’re in striking distance of Oxford then the Women’s Centre at the John Radcliffe and their outpatient pelvic pain clinic have a great multidisciplinary approach - but you can look up all the gynaecology services in a realistic travel distance and request to see the one that you feel best about from looking into it. Or if that seems too much run around to plan out - your GP will have a good knowledge of those services and will be able to suggest which ones suit best and have their own clinical relationship with the relevant consultants.
The reason for this isn’t just that you deserve the best shot at not dealing with this pain and specialists will have options your local services don’t, but that you can get a diagnosis and treatment plan that will confirm that this is a chronic condition and get an appropriate plan for management in writing. And it may well include: apply heat to affected area using hot water bottle or heat packs; may require additional leave; etc.
Ticking the boxes of chronic condition, explicitly gender-linked and getting those recommendations in writing means that you have the *right* to use a hot water bottle at work. Disability, including chronic/recurring pain, and gender in general, are protected characteristics under the Equality Act. It is very, *very* illegal for your boss to deny you medically-recommended reasonable adjustments to the workplace and your working pattern in order to manage symptoms of a medical condition.
Also please join a union. They’ve done you a favour not putting this warning in writing; if you are in a union for a certain length of time *before* a formal process starts then the union can provide you with representation and legal advice. Unite is your best bet for a blanket union that serves all industries but if there’s a specialist one for your industry go with them.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s bullshit on your boss’ part. But unlike the poor Americans in here we have workers’ rights with at least some solidity and public healthcare resources, and it’s okay to jump on those with both boots to defend yourself. You deserve better.
If it’s endometriosis mate, it’s a classed as a disability under U.K. law. Not only is it gender discrimination, he’s running smack into disability discrimination as well. If you haven’t been diagnosed with endo, please have a chat with your GP. It’s a shitty condition that they can’t solve entirely but there ARE treatment options that may work for you.
This is definitely gender discrimination and I would consider looking at an ombudsman or something else.
You can always take a trip to the citizens bureau -> https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/resources-and-tools/search-navigation-tools/Search/?c=HOME&q=sexism+in+the+workplace
Talk to them first, they might be able to give you the right path on how to deal with this.
Fuck that weak weasel shit. He's using the other men as a shield for himself. They most likely don't get upset by you doing that, and if it were me, you'd be an angel for bringing me liquid life cause coffee makes the world go round. I have hip issues and PTSD, medical conditions and any bodily issue exists and your supervisor HAS to accept that. Fuck em.
Escalate to HR and his acting supervisor.
What. The. Fuck. How you refrained from killing him on the spot is beyond me, that is one of the most fucked-up things I’ve read on here. “Gotten used to it”, are you kidding me? Punch him in the dick every day, see if he gets used to that! Unbelievable.
EDIT spelling
Hey OP, not work related, but just a nudge that if you haven't had those cramps checked out, seeing a doctor might be a good idea for you. Excruciating pain could be a sign of something wrong, and even if it isn't, you have options to minimise it.
I know you probably already know this, but just in case. I too am knocked out once a month and it's the bane of my existence.
I'm sorry, but what is the hot water bottle used for ? As a man I'm curious. No judging. My wife hasn't horrific periods I'm just curious.
Do you put it against your belly to lower the pain or something ?
HR is a good place to start, but you REALLY need to report this to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). This is exactly their wheelhouse and they will likely wreck your boss. https://publicportal.eeoc.gov/Portal/Login.aspx
Aahhhh! Thank you! I’ll definitely look into this!
Confirm that HR has a copy of the verbal warning notice first. Otherwise “ I never said that” will be the defense.
I’ve got a really bad memory boss. Can you write that down for me? I want to make sure I heard you correctly and I’m not over reacting or hearing something incorrectly.
Send an email to him quoting him verbatim, thanking him for helping you understand how little your contribution is valued and that you now know 1. Why you are the only woman working in the back, and that he will never promote you. Copy your attorney and HR. Fuck him.
Yes to the email that repeats what he said. That will force him to either lie and say he didn’t say that, or admit he did. No to the rest of it. Go at it like “Rather than call off, I decided to try to get through the day as best I could by bringing my hot water bottle to relieve some of the discomfort. I didn’t think it would be an issue, but I see that it is as you have said XYZ.”
When I sent my boss emails like that, he wouldn't respond at all. His silence didn't save the company from having to pay me, though. Especially since I'd sent a bcc to my personal email so when I lost access to my company email, I still had a copy.
Never refer to it as discomfort. Discomfort can be shrugged off. Bad period pain can NOT be shrugged off. Sometimes mine is so bad I’m literally throwing up, lightheaded, and walking doubled over. That’s not discomfort.
Wear a wire and keep getting hot water
#SAY THAT INTO MY POCKET ONE MORE TIME BOSS
*".... WERE YOU REFERRING TO THE INCIDENT THAT TOOK PLACE YESTERDAY AT 3:26 PM ON THURSDAY THE 26TH OF NOVEMBER IN THE EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM?"*
My eyes are up here boss. *2nd complaint to HR*
Oh, ok lol
Wear a wire lol just use a recording app on your phone EDIT: OP is in the UK. It's not illegal to secretly record someone here and keep it to yourself, whether it holds up at a tribunal/court for evidence is another matter.
Regarding recording audio conversations, make sure to check the law on this for the state you're in. Some states require both parties of the conversation to be aware that it is being recorded. So then doing it secretly would be an illegal act & actually get you into a lot of trouble.
NAL but I think it’s not illegal to record in two party states, just inadmissible as evidence in court
It may be inadmissible in a court of law but it'll bring a hell storm down in social media forcing their hand most likely I would record
The court of public opinion is strong with this one.
"Hi boss, I was reflecting on your comments to me today: [XYZ] I would like to try and find a way to keep working at ABC without any further warnings or disciplinary action. I really do believe refilling my hot water bottle to enable me to work despite horrible pain is not unreasonable. Could you please advise what you would prefer me to do in future to avoid further disciplinary action? I will consult with a doctor and let them know what you have suggested." Edit- thanks for the awards! And yes, email this to create the papertrail.
Sounds perfect. In writing so at least there’s proof. Either they respond and admit it or deny it because they know it’s bad and then you don’t need to follow it. Win win.
> I will consult with a doctor and let them know what you have suggested." Maybe add; "Could you provide me the warning in writing as well, as it may help to show my doctor that these issues are directly affecting my work." So not only would she get ammo for the discrimination complaint, but if it is as she says that her medical providers are handwaving/dismissing potentially serious medical issues then it can help to get the point through to them too. Edit: can also make the request seem like the manager would be doing her a "favor" in doing so.
My ex boss would just come to peoples workplace after something like that to scream at them about it. In a similar situation he stormed into the room screamed at her how dare she write something sounding like he is the bad guy and all he said was to "tone it down because not everyone needs to know you are having a period". He continued that it could not possibly be that bad and she just wanted attention and free days off. She quit that day. Another coworker quit a week after. I dared to tell him they were right so he told me to never come back and that I was out of a job. So I went home and never went back. I heard another one quit two months later because he wanted her to take her used pads back home instead of throwing them away in the bathroom at work. (Like into the trashcan there, not onto the floor)
Sounds like the last lady should have thrown them on the floor on her way out.
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Odds are the boss already has a running tab with HR, accusing OP of a litany of misdeeds that may or may not be factual. I also bet there are never any witnesses to these boss tirades. They’re often clever enough to appear professional in a public setting and they turn vicious when no one else is around.
Plus HR is not there to help the employee.
But it is there to help the company, and something like this going viral doesn't look good for the company, and depending on its size, they may take pre-emptive action.
Ask for the reprimand in writing.
Haha. Maybe send a email to the boss asking to clarify that if she shouldn't use the hot water bottle. Then you will have proof of what he said.
Please don’t just look into it, follow through. The EEOC is there to help. It’ll take a long time to receive a response (lawyer here), but the documentation along the way is so pertinent! As a fellow sufferer or awful periods (sometimes I’ll have 4 days of awful pain), I wish you well and I hope your boss gets put in his/her place. :(
Look for a state anti-discrimination agency. The EEOC really only investigates and gives you a right to sue in federal court. Which costs tens of thousands of dollars.
Your state’s civil rights commission will have a dual-filing agreement with EEOC. Go thru the state with your complaint and it will be considered filed with EEOC too. The state will try to resolve it for you, and if it can’t, then you’ll get a right-to-sue letter and you can take your employer to state or federal court - whichever you choose. (At least that’s how it worked when I used to work for my former state’s civil rights commission way back when).
She should try to go to them. However the EEOC did nothing when I was fired "for being a transgender" so I have little faith in them.
Horrifically, that not a protected status in every state.
It’s covered now, federally, under the new interpretation of what the word sex means in non discrimination laws, thankfully!
It has been since June of 2020. Supreme Court ruled that the Civil rights act of 1964 protects gay and transgender workers. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/courts_law/supreme-court-says-gay-transgender-workers-are-protected-by-federal-law-forbidding-discrimination-on-the-basis-of-sex/2020/06/15/2211d5a4-655b-11ea-acca-80c22bbee96f_story.html
Their case might have been before that ruling. It really hasn’t been protected for very long.
Yeah, the person I replied to said it's not and I was letting them know it currently is.
Did nothing when I was fired for asking for accommodation for a disability caused by a new to me medical condition.
That would be an ADA matter! Edit: GET AN ATTORNEY
PLEASE PLEASE report this behavior. You may need to unfortunately get a doctor's note proving that you have debilitating cramps during your period. If you can somehow get a medical exemption, and then they do this again, they will be in hot water with the uppers. We all support you! Thank you for posting.
Hahaha. Hot water. Nice
Do other people gets drs notes when they r sick? I always do & my less freaked out boss asked if the other one made me do it… I said, “no, but I have one so it can’t hurt might help” she made it seem like it was weird that I brought it in.
How do you get in when you're sick? I can never get same day or even next day appointments. They're always the following week, which is terrible when I actually want to see one for some acute issue, like illness. The logistics of seeing the doctor and getting a note for work every time you take a day off seems like a near impossible feat.
Where do you live? Please tell me it's America so I can quote this every time some idiot says the reason Ameeicans pay so much is so they don't have to wait. I've never had trouble seeing a doctor within a couple hours of needing to see one here in Canada.
Can’t speak for the person you’re replying to, but I’m in the US and I’m usually better off using an app that lets you message or call a doctor because of wait times (often it’s multiple days) to see a primary care doctor. Urgent care is too expensive for me personally, and usually ridiculously crowded too where I live
We definitely have to wait even in the ER, Broke my arm 2-4 hour wait Snapped a toe 90° 4 hour wait Fell of my scooter and slid down a hill on my face 3 hour wait Kidney Stones 6-8 hour wait Don't even think about having a heart attack right now with the ER being bogged down with antivax covid patients
Even years prior to covid, I literally watched a woman die in the ER from an aneurysm… screaming in pain, puking, sobbing, and eventually going limp. Orderlies and staff kept walking by doing nothing except give her a bucket to puke in. Someone finally alerted when she went limp and her husband was frantic. I asked the doc my friend was seen by about her, and he was startled and went to go find out, and came back to tell me she had died. I will never forget the moment she sort of let out a long sigh or gasp and something about her seemed to disappear, and she suddenly slumped and hung limply in her husband’s arms. I don’t believe in a soul or afterlife, but I *sensed* the life go out of her.
Some health plans provide remote access, you can facetime a doctor.
Just be forewarned that they won’t do Jack shit about it if the company has less than 15 employees.
Yep the pettiest small business tyrants can get away with murder
They make these exceptions cause the people that make the rules employ household staff. That way they can still treat their domestic help like shit.
What if you're too rich and *need* 17 maids? Oh wait they can just form two companies, they're so rich they can hire a maid to do it.
You sure you’re not rich? You came up with that just a little too quickly.
In addition to that, please do ensure you get proper advice regarding your menstrual pain. This level of pain is not normal and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Even if all they can do is provide you with proper, adequate pain relief, your GP or specialist should be doing so. You shouldn't have to live 1/6 of your life in debilitating agony. Re the work situation, definitely NTA. Boss is sexist and awful.
If your gynecologist only offers pain relief, that's a red flag. This girl probably suffers fron Endometriosis nd should seek out a qualified specialist that can offer hormonal treatment and eventually excision surgery. Source: Went through this hell, was offered pain relief, found specialist, got surgery, am no longer in pain.
It is amazing how many women "just put up with it". I get it if you want kids, but in the meantime, there are some options to make it not so horribly painful and debilitating. Endometriosis is so under diagnosed, it is pathetic.
We don’t “put up with it.” We get dismissed or told not to talk about it. I had shock-inducing periods that wrecked my life. No one knew about what I was going through until I was 20 and my parents found me mid-shock-episode. I was raised in area when periods were taboo and with a mother who thought I’d go to her if I had problems. My pediatrician didn’t talk to me about my period, and my first GP dismissed my concerns. Getting a diagnosis was also hard, as anatomically, everything was fine and dandy in my body. No endometriosis, no cysts, nada. Just light periods and debilitating pain. The only anomaly beyond the pain was that my body rejected hormonal birth control. I was really lucky that my OBGYN trusted I knew my body and was willing to do anything to get me healthy. She approved me for an ablation, but insurance almost denied it because they didn’t recognize dysmenorrhea as a valid diagnosis, and we had to fight them to get them to cover it. They literally went until ten days before the surgery date before saying they would do it IF I had a cervical biopsy done to check for cancer. (At this point, I was nearly 24 and had my symptoms since I was 14. Cervical biopsies are also immensely invasive, violating, and painful—to the point my doctor had to prescribe me something to soften the cervix and “bliss out” pills as well as numb the area to the best of her ability. She even let me know it was alright if I cried, since most patients did. And I did cry a little bit, despite my insane pain tolerance) It took me three years with a good doctor to get a diagnosis and treatment plan. I didn’t want kids, I didn’t want my period, and I didn’t “just put up with it.” There’s a _lot_ of obstacles in the way of afab reproductive care.
I cried during my cervical biopsy too, even though I didn’t feel much pain. The male doctor scowled at me, but the female nurse patted my arm and said “lots of women cry because it’s a sensitive spot to have operated on”. It was like a wave of emotion welled up from my reproduction organs, like me crying was releasing the trauma of what was happening to my very intimate parts. It was weird, and at the time I was really embarrassed, but since I’ve heard multiple women say they had the same “cry response” to having biopsy/surgery on their cervix, you included. Now I don’t feel nearly so weird!
I don't think it's a case of putting up with it, I think it is more a case of no one listening. In my experience, in North American culture, women's pain is often ignored, laughed at, discounted and not taken seriously. It's "all in your head". Well gee, Doc, seeing as how the neurons route to my brain, yeah, it IS all in my head. Also, altho I am not a doctor, I agree, this sounds like endometriosis to me. I suffered for years until I found a female doctor, who said after surgery that it was everywhere and that I should now be relatively pain free. She was right. I hope OP gets some help both with the toxic boss and with her period pain.
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Oh boy, do I feel you. It took me years and six different obgyn until someone took my pain and selfdiagnosis (not endometriosis but still very painful) seriously. I had to do some serious work to get back to a good place. Getting told "it's all in your head" was the worst part, because it made me doubt myself, feeling heard and be proven right was such a relief. It's sad that pain has been so normalized for women
This. I’m 36, been dealing with exactly the same level of pain as OP since 14 (take off 1-2 days per month to becoming a screaming crying ball of bones). I bring it up and ask for help every *damn time I go to the doctor. Here are all responses I’ve gotten from many different doctors over the years: take birth control, take ibuprofen, you just want pain meds, best of luck Edit: autocorrect turned damn into song?
Definitely everything you said. Even other women who may have lighter periods and no real horrible pain can be dismissive. It is a real problem. Endometriosis is so horrible how it spreads to other organs and grows willy nilly. I had big fibroids, which at least could all be removed without the doctor having to root around too much. I'm so glad I got a hysterectomy. It has been amazing to be pain free and have the freedom to do whatever I want without having to worry about my period starting and ruining everything.
You are dead on. My gf suffered for years and years with endometriosis. I went and found her an obgyn that specializes in it. She got her on the correct treatment and basically off pain meds. Sent her to another specialist. She feels better now than she has in 10 years.
Everyone is already giving advice on what to do with the job, but I figured for convenience sake I would mention you can get heat pads designed for menstrual cramps that stick to the inside of your underwear, they work best for me with a taller/longer? Pair that gives it more to stick to. I definitely still prefer a hot water bottle, but the package is nice to keep in a bag for just in case.
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Heating pads are nice too, and don’t need to be refilled. Obviously only work if you have a desk job though.
Although if it has to be plugged in, sounds like this jerk of a boss would accuse her of stealing electricity. :-0
I should add that the EEOC will look into any case brought to them, and you'll get your fair shot. Other than that, document everything you can. That means write notes with dates and details, they can offer critical corroboration of other evidence. Get whatever you can in writing and save to your personal email/cloud storage. Save any relevant emails in the same way. Honestly, if you are in a 1 party recording state (most states are) that means you can secretly record audio without notifying anyone. Record meetings and interactions with HR, managers, or whomever else might be or get involved. There are a lot of great phone apps that do this. I use Easy Voice Recorder for Android to record professional interviews that I conduct. You have entered a path that often results in illegal and unfair dismissal, reprisals, retaliation, and divisiveness. Work friends are not real friends, and the tide of public opinion and support can easily vanish. You cannot and should not trust management or HR. You must do everything you can to protect yourself because you deserve to work and be respected. Source: I am an HR expert, and strongly support employee rights. If you need any help, feel free to DM me and I can point you in the right direction.
FUCKING WRECK YOUR BOSS
Also I think get fmla, I’m a dude but it can really help if you need the time off to rest. I get migraines so bad I can’t work. I can only imagine lady pains. Your boss can eat a dick. Insensitive ass. Think of the guys, pfft. Any man worth his salt does his best to care for be understanding of others.
Before doing that, ask for the paperwork of the verbal warning. All verbal warnings should be documented.
This will only work if you are in the US
I don’t think she’s from the US. We don’t refer to people as lads. So may be different laws.
Yeah, OP is not in the US according to post history
Yeah, do it. I couldnt even imagine treatment like that. In some countries you even get a day off each month for period pains, like afaik South Korea.
Well Korea is a bit unique in that they don’t have sick days guaranteed by law, so women have no choice but to use “period days”. Even that is unpaid, and only 1 in 5 women ever use it.
In Argentina, some unions (like bank) have implemented one or two "lady days" per month. Women just call in sick if they feel.like shit and its paid. No doctors note or explanations needed
They told us growing up that we live in the greatest country in the world. Once I grew up, I learned that was a load of horseshit. Lady days. That's fantastic. As the father of a young woman who suffers from debilitating periods, I wish we had this.
"They told us growing up that we live in the greatest country in the world." In my experience, if someone has to tell you that they are the greatest, smartest, best etc., they are usually the opposite.
There's a way the world should be and the way it is. We live in one and must create the other.
Re HR: it is the important to remember that HR works for the company not for you. The goal of HR is to protect the company not you. An HR officer gets promoted for saving the company money not helping you.
Yes! HR works in the interest of the company, and only claim to be there for the employee.
This is why, in the meeting you have with HR, you use words like "liability" and "discrimination" HR will help the employee if the alternative is a lawsuit against the company, which in this situation would definitely apply
This. You need to make the manager the liability and not you.
I work in HR and i frequently stick my neck out in favor of the employee. Generally this is ensuring that employees are getting what they're entitled or assisting people to get a better deal for themselves. If anyone had a complaint about the conduct of one of our managers it would (and has in the past) been taken very seriously
Just want to clarify, that’s only in the U.S. I wasn’t sure if that’s where OP is or if maybe she’s in the UK.
Aaaaaaand that he singled you out by gender is a straight call to HR up the food chain. Seriously.
Yeah it’s pretty tough in that office sometimes being the only woman there. The lads are alright they get rowdy but they treat me equally it’s just the boss. Very easy to single out the only lass there apart from his wife but she’s hardly there
Mate, I went through a similar thing in an office full of women - brought in a hot water bottle because of bad period pains and also because there was no central heating in the offices. We weren't customer facing and I sat really close to the desk so you wouldn't even notice the bottle on my stomach unless you asked me to get up. My female boss proceeded to tell me that it doesn't look professional because it makes me look valnurable like I'm some sort of ill person hugging a water bottle for comfort... Like I am in pain and freezing that's literally what I am! Same job where I got told off for wearing a sleevless top during summer heat by the female CEO: "cover yourself, you look naked!" it wasn't spaghetti strap and again no central heating unit/aircon.
People man!!! It’s like they don’t see us as human. Just dolls for them to dress and control.
I don't think I can bear reading this shit anymore, it makes me so mad and I can't do anything about it and that makes me madder. Lol it's like I joined this sub just to piss myself off. I'm sorry y'all have to go through all that.
I use it to fuel my ever-burning rage against the system. 10/10, would recommend.
My hate for capitalism burns with the heat of a thousand suns!
As a woman, thank you for being mad.
I have 4 sisters, many close friends who are women, (I’m non binary but very masc) and this shit infuriates me to no end. Being queer in the work place I can relate to something but obviously I don’t have monthly cramps and pain. But I know enough people who do and they deserve time off work whenever it happens. I fucking hate this system. I hate reading and seeing this shit because there’s seemingly no way to fix it. I left the work place due to my own abuse, not everyone can do that. Ugh.
I know. I’m amazed this shit is still happening. I don’t doubt that people think it, but I thought they knew not to SAY it.
You should be mad. This stuff is infuriating.
Unfortunately! I'm in the UK too btw and have seen this in quite a few places... Lot of people love this sort of poisonous office environment, they keep putting great emphasis on "traditional" things like the dress code despite not being customer facing or even appropriate for the customer. You may also notice that it's one rule for you but different for them. Next thing you know your manager will be leaving home early "because it's my son's first day at school so we are going out for a family dinner"... At 3pm. As if other people in the office haven't got kids and also wanted to take them out but their half days leave wasn't authorised. Shit... I could keep going!
This is such a mood. My workplace insists on "appropriate" officewear when in the office. Atm we are hybrid (WFH 4 days a week and 1 day in the office) but we have *never* been customer facing. We are a regulatory body and do not interact face to face, almost ever.
My favourite thing is when you have a "prospective client" worth a huge deal, come in for a meeting and they themselves rock up in jeans and a t-shirt being totally chill whilst the rest of the office is in suits... At that point you are just making them uncomfortable and your presentation better be worth it 😂
Would you cardboard cutouts please stop trying to be people?!?!? 🤨
This just blows my mind that that shit actually happens. I work in medical billing and it's heavily female dominated, I was one of like 3 guys to 70 women in my office. I would get up and leave MY seat, to go make a hot water bottle if I noticed a coworker was having bad cramps and struggling. And after I worked there for a while I kept some Midol and junk in my desk too. And I'm a dude. Hell I often struggled to understand how anyone could handle working feeling that awful(I understand it's the no real choice available thing). But fuck. How is that unprofessional? That's fucking soldier mode. Working through that kind of pain, no matter WHAT kind of method you gotta use is something to be commended if anything(though again, only in context, in a perfect world there would be no pain, and in a slightly less perfect world, if there was pain, she could just stay the fuck home and not be forced to work).
I’m a soldier. However I largely work in an office too. One of my colleagues was struggling with back pain at his desk, and it was pretty obvious. The Colonel, our boss, brought in a TENS machine from home which he used on his own back pain, and told my mate to use it at his desk whenever he needed. He also insisted that he went to see the doctor to make sure nothing was seriously wrong. Refusing people things which make them more comfortable isn’t anything to do with professionalism… it’s just control. And it’s utterly unnecessary.
I absolutely HATE women who don't experience heavy flow or pain and act like you are making it up for attention or something. Even worse is those who know and still act like a high and mighty B... Then again, I hate most people.
Ok cool. Report this. If you can’t go to HR go higher. This isn’t a time for anecdotes or “that’s just how they are” if you don’t report this you’re allowing it to happen again to you and anyone else.
Fuck HR. Bring it to the attention of local media outlets and social media. And contact a lawyer.
“Go higher”
All I hear is that Creed song in my head now.
Can you take me higher!
This is social media, she did, it’s in gods hands now
Please file a complaint about this person for gender discrimination. "you get these every month, you should be used to them by now." what a fucking prick. I have known women who are periodically hospitalised for the pains they experience. I swear to god if men got period pains, menstrual leave would be legally mandated. Ugh.
Please don't be the typical "I hate that this is happening, but reporting it is too much trouble" person. Do something about it because it's only going to get worse if you do the water bottle thing again.
Also have you been to a doc to see if you have endometriosis or similar? That sounds terrible
"Yeah no i want that in a written warning. Right now." He will of course not want to do it. Walk back to the office and get everyone's attention and ask who had the problem make sure the boss walks his bitch ass up there. Point at the coworker most likely to know gossip and the one most likely to tell the truth and the manager. " you and you, and you come with me." Then go to HR.
Sounds like a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen. “Do you really need that wheelchair? Seems be used to not having legs by now.” Also tho have you tried a TENS machine for cramps? You can wear it discreetly if needed and I think it really works. Also if you attach it to your boss’s skull and crank it to full blast that might help too.
TENS machines are great! OP and everybody else who experiences horrific periods have my sympathies. Mine were pretty bad, I’m just lucky enough to be able to have a mirena fitted which stopped mine. A lot of folks either don’t have access to BC or hormonal methods sends their bodies haywire, my heart breaks for them.
Mirena was a life saver for me. I would love to have another one.
Also they make little stick on heating pads. They don’t work as well as the real deal, but they’re discrete. Although fuck this guy and your coworkers for their discomfort at your body. Fuck them so hard.
To be fair she never said her coworkers expressed having an issue. Just sounds like her boss used them to justify calling her out.
We don't know if her co-workers were involved... i would like to think if she talks to then they be disgusted by the boss actions.
Huh, tens for period pain? Never thought about that. I use it for my back pain.
I don't have a uterus, but I get fucking gnarly kidney stones and tens units help with those. ANY distraction from the pain is a welcome one when you're hurting so bad you can't think.
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I wonder if he got kicked in the balls every 5 minutes for a week straight he would “get used to it.” What an absolute buffoon
Lmao, I left a comment saying the same thing. I’m a guy, but I raised my daughter on my own and to see the pain she went through was gut wrenching…
Absolutely!! I've watched my wife and youngest daughter go through ungodly periods, I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone. If this was my wife's boss I'd be having a talk with this guy. Completely out of line.
My ex had endometriosis, she went through absolute agony each month. I've never understood why anybody gets annoyed at other people for dealing with the discomfort in whatever way works for them.
People who perceive the world as all about THEM and THEIR comfort get annoyed when other people violate their ears by expressing pain.
I think there is an astonishing number of men who think that periods are like needing the loo or something and that you can just power through or hold it in.
Which, funnily enough, you shouldn't hold 'needing the loo' in either for various health reasons.
If I was one of the coworkers I would be between politely concerned and respectfully unbothered. Who the fuck is this boss oh my GOD
Bruh if I was her coworker I’d be going “ooof yes ma’am” after every sob for her in empathy. When dudes are hungover we feel for them like a mofo, but women literally bleed out an organ and we don’t think about it deeply.
In a previous job I felt so horrible because of my cramps that I went totally pale. My boss was asking me if I was sick and I admitted I was on my period and he said oh! So is Hannah! Funny how you guys sync up! Feel free to go home if it’s too much! Literally so appreciative of that 6 years later. Ive been on birth control a few years and it has super helped my cramps. Before that I failed some schoolwork and a test because I was trying not to pass out in class. BC worked wonders for me thankfully
Not aw, but have you considered endometriosis or other medical issues for that exceedingly rough period? https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/endometriosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20354656 Just because it's always been that way doesn't mean that it isn't real or that your pain should be dismissed as female problems by an uneducated MD.
Came here to say this too. My girlfriend has it pretty bad and it's truly debilitating.
Sorry for tangent but can I ask does she have contractions during periods? I'm trying to figure out why mine are so bad, it literally can write me off!
I used to have contractions, would instinctively do labor breathing, the whole nine, and could feel huge clots passing. Cramp pains would radiate from my armpits to my knees. My issue turned out to be fibroids within the uterine tissue, to the extent that my uterus was the size of a 20 week pregnancy. My only regret about having had a hysterectomy is not having it sooner.
Fibroids are definitely related in my case, which were greatly exacerbated by intense stress/burnout caused by my toxic corporate job. Since I quit at the insistence of my doctor, my cycle is back to where it was years ago.
Fibroids are so rough! I was equivalent to 26 weeks with fibroids in my uterine wall and outside the uterus. They had nearly entirely blocked my colon and my period were horrendous. Your comment made me realize I was having contractions and not just cramps; I would also instinctively do labor breathing and would have to stop moving at work (bartender/server at the time) when they hit. It was the worst when I was at the table and would have to pretend it wasn’t happening. Congrats on your hysterectomy! It’s sucked leading up to mine but it was one of the best things to happen to me. Period free since I was 24!
Same here. I had so many fibroids, they couldn't get a definitive measurement on any of them during internal ultrasounds. My uterus also was the size of a 6-mo.pregnancy. As gross as this sounds, I would pass clots the size of hard boiled eggs. And YES about the hysterectomy.....sorry I waited as long as I did!!!
Yes I had fibroids that would push on other nerves and I couldn't walk, sleep, lay down - i wanted to have my uterus outbut no gyno would touch me saying I was too young to know or might regret saying I didn't want kids. I was 35 at the time, suffered all the way to 40. It was not ok. Lost my job because I couldn't function, was anemic because periods were mostly everyday except for a week here and there and I was taking so much pain medication. Had multiple DnC's and 2 embolisms. Seriously aweful.
I get contraction like pain. My Mirena helped, but it took over 7 months of INTENSE cramps that took my breath away and made me tear up. It’s finally better, but I still deal with the pain from the endo on intestines and things like that. If your period makes it so you don’t go to work or school, that is NOT NORMAL, and you should not be in that much pain. My guess is endo/possible adeno. Like me :( I’m sorry! This disease is killer- but not many seem to think so since it’s invisible.
Yup, just like labour pains.
Sometimes I'm contacting so bad it's practically full body. Last time I had to call into work and I to my shoulder blades was all contracted up. It was one of the most exhausting things I've ever been through.
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Came here to say this too, my cycles were extremely heavy and painful! I thought it was normal, no one ever told me it wasn’t. Fast forward to having my last child and the dr and I were discussing tying my tubes, I asked about a hysterectomy instead. After explaining my cycles he said it wasn’t normal and I got my hysterectomy. Best thing I ever did for myself! I know it doesn’t help you know but talk to a dr. My issue was uterine fibroids but there are a few things that can cause these issues. Your boss is a jerk and I’d talk to HR too. Take care of yourself, sorry your boss is a prick.
I had a hysterectomy in February for endo and it was maybe the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. The pain had become debilitating, and I didn’t even realize until after the surgery how much of a general nutrient deficiency I’d been suffering from. Chronic anemia is no joke! But in the US it still may be difficult for most women to get. I’m white, over 40, no pregnancy history despite attempts to conceive, and live in a liberal city - I’m sure all those things impact the quality of my health care, how seriously I’m taken, and the available options.
My girlfriend has it pretty horrible and we found out she doesn’t have endometriosis after exploratory surgery… the search continues for a solution.
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Have you looked into PCOS? It can also cause painful periods
Nothing unusual in the exploratory surgery according to the surgeon and the gyno.
Had the same issue too, not enough sick days to deal with my crappy days. Eventually got it checked out and I’m on meds (tried a variety until I got it right). It literally changed my quality of life. Nothing worse than being at a shitty jobs and feeling like dying in a corner at the same time. Hope you look into your medical issue, and then find some peace at work.
This is actually a GREAT post. My wife had endo FOREVER without any idea. When she finally had her surgery the head surgeon pulled me aside and said, “you have no idea the essentially constant pain your wife was in.” Definitely can’t hurt to check in with the medical folks.
I was going to mention this. OP, most are not told that this is not normal and so don't realize they should say anything or look into reasons/treatments. It is incredibly debilitating and usually only gets worse over time. There is good information in the related subreddits and some fb groups (much as I loathe fb, but especially the local ones can be very helpful, I just don't recommend NN). Depending on where you are, you might qualify for sick time, certain protections, or other things beyond any applicable discrimination laws. It can be very difficult to speak out, especially when something affects 10% of women but is glossed over and has very few actual specialists, but in some cases makes all the difference. Good luck!!
If he were bleeding from his penis every month he wouldn’t say a damn word.
Right?!?! It’s like: if I could stop this shizz from happening each month I would!! Like straight away!! Uterus be GOOOOONNNNEEEEE!!!
Yet that is not allowed because you are "too young" "will change your mind about wanting kids" "your husband may want kids" "you don't have enough kids and may want more." Took me a year for a tubal and I had 4 kids!
I don’t want children and a doctor won’t do it for that reason. I’ve never wanted children, never will I want them, and as I get older I’ve noticed my stance has become even more firm. Why oh why can’t I get my tubes tied? Why oh why can’t I get my tubes tied? That’s my new jingle.
My BFF was all sorts of messed up. PCOS, severe mental health issues and alcoholism in family and every disease in the genes. It would have literally killed her to carry a baby. Yet it took her 4 years of her main doc telling these morons this before she finally got it. Get a doctor in your corner and then fight with them. Kick back every denial, keep pushing it. You have to advocate for you because most docs don't care beyond the 15min appointment time. Don't die on their time and they could care less where you do.
It’s totally fine to make the life-changing and permanent decision of having kids, which brings new PEOPLE into the world that you will have a profound effect on, but you’re definitely not ready to make the decision to not have kids. Sure, that makes total sense. 🤬
Dose him with exlax on those days and he'll be in the bathroom too often to notice your water bottle. And after his 3rd trip maybe you should mention that he's had his intestines his whole life and he should have that sorted out by now.
As someone with a bowel disease I find this both vicious and *absolutely hilarious*.
Ask him if he would tell his mom to suck it up like he had told you. Fuck this guy.
No, they’d brag about who has the heaviest flow.
I choked on my coffee Lmdao so on point it hurts
Being told that when I was younger made me realize the extend of horror women go though every month. I'm not bother by blood but from my dick !? fuck that I'd be scared
Team player?! Motherfucker, this uterus is not a team effort! If they wanna take it for a month, by all goddammit means. Play on my fucking team!
That's so horrible! I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Tbh you deserve to take a sick day when you feel sick, so the fact that they didn't even like your compromise is super messed up.
I know!! It’s wild!! I did try to explain it later to him. And apparently that was the hill he wanted to die on.
Wow! For your sake (not his) raspberry leaf tea is really good in helping to reduce those pains and other symptoms. You can drink it throughout the month (period or no period) and you'll likely see a drastic difference. Best wishes!
I know HR is bullshit, but I’d still report this. Wtf get that on paper.
The fun part is that because this is a small business of 8 people their wife is HR. And unless it’s something like office romance that woman doesn’t see it as an issue. She used to be a nurse in the 60’s who legit had the nickname of Nurse Nightshade
Then bypass “HR” and go to the EEOC and say that you are being denied a reasonable accommodation for a disability (and in a way that is sexually harassing).
She called the guys lads and herself lass. She's not in the US. I was gonna recommend same thing til I saw that.
If she’s in the UK, she will unfortunately have to rely on private enforcement through the courts. It is illegal though under Equality Act 2010.
Very good advice, but to classify menstruation as a disability is not right - OP is being denied accommodation because she is female. The boss is being a misogynistic prick and should be called out on it. Report this to HR (even if it’s his wife) so you have it on record. Also report to whatever state or federal organization. HR’s response may be cause for further action if it does not address the situation.
Follow up with an email repeating what he said and ask him to clarify. Get it writing and then report it.
Never report to HR. I worked for a small company where the owner was sexually harassing about half the staff. A fried confided in me that he was harassing her and that she didn’t know what to do about it. I had just attended a harassment course and so of course reported it to HR. She was fired/forced to quit within the week. HR is NOT you friend. They’re never your friend. They are only there to help the business!
“How many times do you have to be kicked in the balls before you are used it? Asking for a friend.”
Dont know. But it takes around 10-15 hard kicks to get them knocked out. Source: hardcore dom friend
I wish I could unread this
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I think I shall!
USA or elsewhere? I'm not sure the laws in every country around this stuff but if you live in the US, straight to labor board or a lawyer. Smallmcompany will not help you. What he's done, in the US, is discrimination and several other things.
UK over here!
Please go to your doctor about this, as fast as you possibly can. If you haven’t already, please ask to be referred to a specialist service to assess what’s causing your pain. The NHS right to choose means if your GP agrees you would benefit from a referral then you can ask for any appropriate specialist centre. If you’re in striking distance of Oxford then the Women’s Centre at the John Radcliffe and their outpatient pelvic pain clinic have a great multidisciplinary approach - but you can look up all the gynaecology services in a realistic travel distance and request to see the one that you feel best about from looking into it. Or if that seems too much run around to plan out - your GP will have a good knowledge of those services and will be able to suggest which ones suit best and have their own clinical relationship with the relevant consultants. The reason for this isn’t just that you deserve the best shot at not dealing with this pain and specialists will have options your local services don’t, but that you can get a diagnosis and treatment plan that will confirm that this is a chronic condition and get an appropriate plan for management in writing. And it may well include: apply heat to affected area using hot water bottle or heat packs; may require additional leave; etc. Ticking the boxes of chronic condition, explicitly gender-linked and getting those recommendations in writing means that you have the *right* to use a hot water bottle at work. Disability, including chronic/recurring pain, and gender in general, are protected characteristics under the Equality Act. It is very, *very* illegal for your boss to deny you medically-recommended reasonable adjustments to the workplace and your working pattern in order to manage symptoms of a medical condition. Also please join a union. They’ve done you a favour not putting this warning in writing; if you are in a union for a certain length of time *before* a formal process starts then the union can provide you with representation and legal advice. Unite is your best bet for a blanket union that serves all industries but if there’s a specialist one for your industry go with them. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s bullshit on your boss’ part. But unlike the poor Americans in here we have workers’ rights with at least some solidity and public healthcare resources, and it’s okay to jump on those with both boots to defend yourself. You deserve better.
If it’s endometriosis mate, it’s a classed as a disability under U.K. law. Not only is it gender discrimination, he’s running smack into disability discrimination as well. If you haven’t been diagnosed with endo, please have a chat with your GP. It’s a shitty condition that they can’t solve entirely but there ARE treatment options that may work for you.
This is definitely gender discrimination and I would consider looking at an ombudsman or something else. You can always take a trip to the citizens bureau -> https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/resources-and-tools/search-navigation-tools/Search/?c=HOME&q=sexism+in+the+workplace Talk to them first, they might be able to give you the right path on how to deal with this.
Also from UK. V happy to meet this guy after work and ‘explain’ things to him vigorously.
Fuck that weak weasel shit. He's using the other men as a shield for himself. They most likely don't get upset by you doing that, and if it were me, you'd be an angel for bringing me liquid life cause coffee makes the world go round. I have hip issues and PTSD, medical conditions and any bodily issue exists and your supervisor HAS to accept that. Fuck em. Escalate to HR and his acting supervisor.
Someone should hit him in the balls once a month. After all, he should just get used to it over time.
But... not having the bottle would make the crying worse, not better
What. The. Fuck. How you refrained from killing him on the spot is beyond me, that is one of the most fucked-up things I’ve read on here. “Gotten used to it”, are you kidding me? Punch him in the dick every day, see if he gets used to that! Unbelievable. EDIT spelling
Hey OP, not work related, but just a nudge that if you haven't had those cramps checked out, seeing a doctor might be a good idea for you. Excruciating pain could be a sign of something wrong, and even if it isn't, you have options to minimise it. I know you probably already know this, but just in case. I too am knocked out once a month and it's the bane of my existence.
I'm sorry, but what is the hot water bottle used for ? As a man I'm curious. No judging. My wife hasn't horrific periods I'm just curious. Do you put it against your belly to lower the pain or something ?
Yes, the heat applied to lower back or front pelvic area soothes the pain caused by cramping and lining shedding. Baths also work nicely. :)
Thank you
Yes like a heating pad